Laughter was definitely something Ellie wouldn't have expected to hear from Trace's room. Her heart was heavy. She sure didn't feel like laughing. The whole house couldn't help but hear Roddy after they all left him with Trace. She had heard much of it, but not all. Enough to know he told Trace she cared. But Trace wasn't stupid. Ellie knew that Trace understood she cared. Maybe not the intensity level but Trace knew the caring was more than being a good nurse. She also knew Trace was afraid of feeling.

Roddy came out of the room smiling. She didn't know what to think. He sobered when he looked at her.

"Hi Blondie……..um well, we talked. Thanks for being there. She did get shaken a bit then. Well enough to help her see she needs to hang tough and have the surgery. That's a good thing girl. She wants to sleep now. I'm sorry about this but its time to move on. Again, not fair, but that's where we're at. You'll be leaving in about 4 or 5 days. Do you want company now," Roddy said feeling relieved and sad at the same time.

"Alone, thanks."

Ellie was tired. She didn't want to feel anymore, so she went to sleep. It had been three days of sleeping, writing in her journal, quizzing Roddy about what to expect. She was trying to shake off the experience of loving someone she didn't know. Ellie was striving to be practical, she new practical. It had served her well most of her adult life. Even when she had found out about the affair, she'd been practical. Hadn't done anything out of emotion, stayed calm and took her time planning the divorce. So she was working her way back into practical mode, looking at what needed to be done. How best to accomplish the enormous task of starting over. She had spoken to Trace a few times with others present. No one had talked of anything really heavy, just pleasantries. Ellie didn't really want to be alone with the woman anymore. She needed distance.

Still, it was unsettling. It was too open ended. She was running away from it, she knew that. But she didn't know that there was any other choice. Nothing would change, no matter what she said. She believed that. She also didn't want to feel anymore. Ellie was trying to let it go. She would never understand any of it. They made sure of that so why try. Just move on. Look at what was ahead and dive into it. But to really put this away she needed to say goodbye. She hurt just thinking about it. And it made her angry.

She had no business feeling deeply for this woman. She had felt more than friendship for a woman once before, but she and the person never did anything about it. She wasn't usually attracted to other woman except that one. So why Trace? They were totally opposite, from two different worlds. Even in her new life, if it went well and she wasn't discovered Ellie wasn't going to be associated with guns, bombs and exploding helicopters. She knew Trace lived a life she could never understand. She suspected that the woman had killed many people in her life with the CIA. And she was a nurse, a caregiver, helping to save lives, not end them. Now she wouldn't be in that profession but still this new life would be in the ordinary, everyday world that most normal people lived. Ellie had made breakfast and was cleaning up when Roddy came in from Trace's room.

"Um, thanks for breakfast and stuff. Trace asked about you. She really wants to be able to eat. Could you make up a shake? Believe it or not, she wishes the shake could taste like the bacon she's been smelling. I don't blame her. I'd go crazy on a liquid diet."

"She liked the tapioca I made. The doc says she can try stuff like cottage cheese and applesauce soon. I'll see what I can mix up, you should watch, I'm gonna be gone soon."

Ellie didn't want to try bacon in a smoothie so she mixed up a fruit flavor and handed it her student.

"No, you take it in. I've got some calls to make and the doc is busy with something," he walked away before Ellie could protest.

She took a deep breath and headed toward the woman's room. She dreaded this. It was time to say goodbye, that's why Roddy had refused to be the delivery boy and why he made sure she knew the doc wasn't available.

"Hello, I hear you're hungry. I'm sorry I didn't know how to make a smoothie taste like bacon and be palatable," she handed the shake to the patient.

"The doc says you can handle things like cottage cheese, applesauce, more pudding, Jell-O and stuff in about 2 or 3 days," she said feeling awkward.

"Wi dis king of food and no esercise I ged fad," Trace made big eyes and gestured with her hands.

Ellie chuckled a little, "I doubt you would ever get fat. But its good that the menu isn't complicated, I don't think the doc or Roddy could handle that."

"MMM…Roddy's idea of dinner is pissa and beewr," Trace smiled as much as her face would allow.

"Wish I coud kaske youwr cooking yike you said. Bu now I'm shuck wi beewr man I guess. Maybe doc some bedder. Bu I mighd onwy ged Insure from can," Trace rolled her eyes.

She wasn't good at small talk and didn't know how to do this. It was the first time she'd been alone with the beautiful woman for several days. Ellie would be leaving tomorrow and it was time to give her some reassurance, but Trace just didn't know how.

"Is hard tawk," Trace pointed at the pencil and tablet she used.

She spent some time scribbling out some words.

Ellie read, "Did you know you're leaving tomorrow Ellie?"

Ellie's face was a myriad of emotions.

She just shook her head and then, "I knew it was soon," she said sadly.

"I asked to be the one to tell you. Its not easy I know. But Roddy has built you a new identity. He's good at what he does, it'll be a good cover. For you a real new life. I wish this could've been different. I'm so sorry," Trace was struggling.

"He's a good guy, I'm sure you're right. It has to be done and I've been getting myself ready to go," Ellie was trying to sound brave although she wasn't.

There was part of her that didn't want to leave the safety of this house and her protectors. She knew that they wouldn't be sending her out if it wasn't safe, but feelings aren't rational.

"You're going to live toward the west. I can't tell you where yet. Better to not say the place while you're here with us. It'll be nice. I've been there. Reminds me some of where I'm from," Trace was trying to be positive.

"I have to admit, I've wondered where that could be. At least now I know you aren't from Iceland or anything tropical, nothing like that on the west coast. I'm from Texas so I've been southwest," Ellie didn't want to wonder about the woman anymore. But it was hard not to.

"I don't want to scare you, but I didn't say it was in the United States. It may be, but you shouldn't assume. You'll be getting a job on your own sort of when you get there. But you won't be alone. There'll be a lot of watching you for the first couple of months. Then the surveillance will slowly back off. You won't know they're there, but they will be. I hope that's reassuring instead of a pain in the back side," Trace was sorry that the woman couldn't have real privacy. She needed a new start and to not look back.

"It is good to know I won't be completely on my own. You can't blame me for being a little scared. So I'm glad there'll be someone there," she said wishing she didn't want it to be Trace.

Trace new it was better for them both if Robin became Ellie and never saw Trace again. The feelings were impossible. There was no reason for this woman to still like her, much less care. Her own feelings were scary and the dreams were absolutely bizarre. This life didn't offer them the luxury of figuring anything out. It was better to just keep the woman safe and help her move on. Roddy had said Ellie was accepting that she had to move on and that Trace wasn't a part of that. Trace didn't want to hurt her and it seemed she didn't need to so she wasn't mean with what she wrote.

"This is a hell of a rotten deal Robin. And you can blame me for that. I'm not much different than the people who were chasing us. It's been crazy, all of this. I can't say a lot and that's not fair to you either. I do know that you're the kind of person that's worth saving. The world needs your kind of life. Regardless of where you are, you're the type that will always benefit the people around you."

Ellie didn't want to cry. She felt the tears well up a little as she read. Trace had used her real name. She was talking to her, not the new make believe Ellie she hadn't had time to invent yet.

"I'm no saint just because I was a nurse. But thanks, for saying that," was all she could manage. Trace was being kind; she was trying to encourage her. But it just made Ellie wonder once again, why.

"I'm sorry you had to see me so beat up. Thank you for caring for me while I've been injured. It was a rough ride and I know it's surprising I made it. You helped me through it though. So we helped each other. I know you'll be fine out west somewhere. We'll make sure of it," Trace didn't know how to end it, to say goodbye.

For the woman it would be goodbye, for Trace it never would. Ellie didn't say anything and she couldn't stop the tears. She didn't want to hurt. She didn't want to wish Trace would be in her life. But here she was, hurting for saying goodbye to someone she didn't really know.

"I'm so sorry Robin. If I could make it different I would. I really wish I could tell you why this happened. You deserve to know. If I did tell you though, it seems like it would cause more problems than help you. And knowing me, who I am is all part of what could hurt you. Please believe the truth of that Robin. I hope you can put this behind you soon," the tears in those beautiful eyes were killing Trace inside. She had done this. This is what her life had brought to the woman of her dreams, nothing but pain.

"I may put it behind me, I hope I can. But I won't forget Trace. I won't forget any of it. It has left a deep impression on me whether you like it or not. What I want to know more than anything is why," Ellie looked pleadingly at the stoic hero.


Trace couldn't look at her still, not even now. She wasn't surprised just still disappointed, "But its useless to talk of that, I know. You won't tell me. Obviously you can't. I can even accept that. But I don't have to like it. And it feels like shit. Every inch of this, you're right, it's not fair," she looked up and saw the tears falling from a stern face. She felt bad that her tone of voice was so bitter. But she knew the woman had brought a lot of it on herself.

"Whatever the secret, I see it is costing you as much as me apparently. You can't blame me for wanting to know why," she paused.

Ellie wished Trace would fill the quiet, explain anything, say something. But instead the tears kept flowing and her knuckles were white where she grasped the tablet so desperately. This was obviously taking its toll on them both, as she knew it would. She had to end it.

"Listen I'm glad you made it. I hope you recover and do what it is you want to do. I know ordinary folks don't think of what people in your business have to do to keep this country safe. We don't like to think outside the convenient and our comfort zones. There is a price for both comfort and freedom. I know you think of yourself poorly. But you did save my life, thank you for that. It wasn't the greatest life anyway. Maybe this one will be better. Get well Trace. Roddy will take care of me, just get well," she leaned over and kissed Trace on the cheek and ran out the door.

Roddy had been waiting. He was in the kitchen when Ellie ran through and slammed the bedroom door. Knowing Trace might strangle him; he went into her room anyway. She was sobbing. He had never imagined Trace capable of such deep emotion.

Assassins were like that. They had to shut off their feelings mostly. Roddy himself was kind of non-committal. He still wasn't safe after all this time. Even with the Network he had created. It wasn't safe to get too close. But he admitted, he wished he could. Some Agents never looked back, never regretted. They died in the life, whether they were still breathing or in the grave. He had to believe that some got out and got on with a normal life. But most agents especially assassins were stuck with always looking over their shoulder. Never getting rid of the "what if", never being able to overcome all that had been done in the name of justice. Too many lines had been crossed in the scope of normal human decency. The good ones were like Trace, cold as hell, with thick walls incubating them from real emotion, real honest feeling and vulnerability. But Robin somehow got past all the barriers.

Trace had probably done the right thing. But there was something between these two. He had wanted something for Trace that he hadn't ever allowed himself, love. He hadn't been sure at first if Crab were alive. So he had let the woman care for Trace. She was so sweet. Roddy had listened in on a few one sided conversations Robin had had with the unconscious patient. And it was obvious that she cared deeply for the assassin. He thought most of Trace's protest was because she was scared about her feelings for the woman. So he tried to goad her into opening up. He thought that he could have given them both new identities. He wanted to rid both of them from Crab. When they found out that the bastard was still alive, Trace had insisted that Robin know nothing about her or why Robin's life had been ripped away.

He reluctantly had to admit she had probably been right. Crab was a loose end. And the more time ticked by, the more power the asshole regained. The more Ellie knew, the worse it was for her. She would have acted differently. She would have been a lot more scared and paranoid. She may have blown her cover because of fear. It may still happen, but not as likely. Trace had wanted to stay distant, but Roddy had pushed. He still thought there was a lot more that would happen between these two. Trace wanted Ellie to never see her again. Roddy had his doubts about the future, though. But right now, his friend was in terrible pain. He hadn't helped matters any and he felt bad for that. He should have been tougher, kept it business only. But he wasn't as good at that as his friend, especially with a pretty face involved. He knew Trace didn't want him to hold her hand right now. She just wanted Ellie to be okay. So he did what he could.

"I'll take care of her Trace. I swear," he made his pledge to Trace and left the woman alone.

It was a long night. Roddy had checked on them both. Each wanted to be left alone. Her heard a lot of crying. Most if it was from Ellie's bedroom. But he knew that the silence from Trace's room only meant she was agonizing without sound.

Trace woke up to the smell of bacon again. It made her think of the beautiful cook and she closed her eyes wondering if the pain would ever be gone. She heard snatches of conversation. Ellie had made an abundant breakfast so there could be leftovers. She had showed both the doc and Roddy how to make smoothies again. Roddy had been the delivery person of her breakfast smoothie.

She learned they were leaving in a few hours. Trace wanted to see Robin one more time. To look into those eyes, to say I'm sorry. She warred with herself on how useless that would be. It would likely only hurt the woman more and it sure as hell would hurt her. She had to let her go. Ellie was resigned to it. Trace had to keep the distance. She decided to write Ellie a note. When she heard the goodbye to the doctor, Trace noticed the emotion in Ellie's voice. Finally there was silence and it was done. Ellie was gone. Trace longed for dreamless sleep; all she got was endless tears.

Roddy had gotten in late. She'd ask that he return and report how it went.

"I didn't think you'd be snoozing yet. She's fine. We met at a club. By now she's been on the back of a Harley for about 3 hours. They'll camp somewheres and be on the road again tomorrow. It'll take about 10 day's to get to where they're headed. Paul's a nice bloke. His mate's and their girlies will take good care a that one. He'll keep me posted and of course I got me ears on," he paused.

"She'll be okay Trace, I swore and I keep my promises. Paul's good. It's covered," Roddy's voice was confident.

"I know, bu I'm gonna worry, you know dak. Jus keep me posded," Trace's face was worn and weary.

"Um, the girl said she'd read the note when she felt she could handle it. She, ah, gave you this. I'm gonna hit the sack, so should you," Roddy handed her a letter and walked out.

She put the letter under her pillow and prayed to the Gods that Ellie was safe. The letter right now would be too much. Her heart ached. She layback looking at nothing wondering how she had come to this place. How had life come to saving one person? Trace was afraid more dreams would come, so she tossed and turned, then finally drifted off.

The morning arrived with no sound. Trace had awakened early, before anyone else. Her first thought as always was Ellie. Where was she? Paul rode with his buddies and their wives. They were on their way to Fort Brag California. Ellie was supposedly a divorcee who had left her old life behind to start new. Paul and his gang were friends along the way. In reality, she was being coached on how to start over. Paul had done it. He had been a CPA with a sports car and fiancé. He got caught up in the Mafia laundering money while threatening harm to him and his family. He had found Roddy and made the sacrifice of giving up his life and relationships to keep them safe. His death had been faked. Now he was riding the road. Roddy was hoping Ellie would land a job at the senior center there. Paul's friend had a friend. She wouldn't be a nurse; she'd be a Recreations Coordinator. Roddy had faked a bachelor's degree in social services for the woman. Trace remembered the letter. The longer she waited the worse it would be so she took it out.

"I would have said this in person, but it would've been too awkward for you and then for me. Thanks for reassuring me about the future. By now I've started down that unknown road. You said you hoped I could put this behind me. I think this letter is part of doing that. Its not intended to hurt you. But my guess is that it will. I may have said some of this before. You may have been asleep, or too angry to hear me. So I need to just get this out and over with.

You were supposed to be the doghouse mover - Jessie. You were so kind about my dog, so understanding that the doghouse was my last real physical reminder of Daisy. I told you about her. She brought me through a lot of pain. She was my best friend. Daisy gave the kind of love that was always there no matter what. When I lost her I'd never felt that kind of pain before. Some people don't understand that kind of love for a dog. You seemed to understand that the pain was real and you didn't judge.

Then you became someone in a nightmare not instead of the someone I thought I'd met. I was in such shock but there wasn't time to understand. So many times that night, you saved my life. But it seemed like more than that Trace. It seemed like you yourself needed to save me. You were so intent on keeping me alive even if you died, as long as I lived, it seemed like it pulsated from you. You were everywhere, doing everything.

I've tried to tell myself you were just doing a job. I was just another case. But I couldn't shake the feeling that you yourself needed me alive. At first I imagined all kinds of things. Ask Roddy. I wondered if I held the cure to cancer in my body or something big like that. Roddy didn't explain much, but he did tell me to stop thinking about world doom and such grand scale things.

Roddy told you he didn't tell you everything that happened the day you died Trace. He didn't tell you because he thought it should only come from me. I stayed with you much of the time when you were unconscious. You mumbled a lot. Mostly you would look at me and say how beautiful I was. I knew you were dreaming, but a few times it was obvious, it was me you saw and were talking to.

The day you stopped breathing, you'd been in a nightmare. I had come to you and you calmed down that was the norm, it had happened several times. But this time you looked at me. I don't know if it was my imagination but it seemed like there was love in your eyes. You looked so deep and it felt like you weren't just dreaming. You mumbled, but we all heard it. You said you loved me, that you were IN LOVE with me. And then your heart stopped.

It was a really weird experience. I knew you had flat lined but it felt like I was under water and watching things in slow motion. I had the thought that I must be the one that was dreaming. But when the doc stopped trying to revive you, things just started spinning and there was this pain in my stomach. I could hardly breathe but I screamed. It kind of shocked me back into the present or something; cause I could hear and I realized it was real. I still don't understand why it hurt so much.

I don't remember knowing you Trace. You may know me. Perhaps someone or thing, like the government, has suppressed certain memories, because I really don't know you. You're the one with more knowledge. But good God, I felt every single inch of an anguish that I cannot possibly explain, like if you died I would die too somehow. I don't know where that comes from. Maybe you do.

This whole experience has obviously hurt you and I'm not talking about your physical injuries. Your tears were real. It's hard to believe that if I was just a job that you would be so moved. You don't strike me as someone who cries easily. But I've wiped your tears away.

That whole night of running, of bullets, of all the craziness, the thing I remember most is asking myself WHY. You were in the back of the truck. I knew you'd been shot, I saw the bullets hit you. The professor kept yelling at me to get down. Before I ducked onto the floor, I saw you get back up. The bullets hit you, some of them went into your body, but you got back up. I looked at your face and you looked at me remember. You looked into my eyes and I saw such passionate determination. You yelled at me too. And as I was lying there, I kept asking why. Why, Why, Why? What drives you? Not why did this happen, why is my old life gone, why do I have to walk away from all I know. What I want to know most is WHY you saved me Trace? Why did you need to save me? I think I'll always ask Why. I'll always want to know. Hell life has changed so much, and this whole thing has been so bizarre, I'd rather you answer my Why. I'd rather know and be unsafe than not know and be haunted.

You want me to put this, to put you behind me. I don't really have a choice do I? But like I told you, I won't forget. I'll always remember how you looked at me in the truck and before you died. Its weird, one look was fear, one look was love. But somehow both were the same, both of them said goodbye.

I don't know what this cost you. But I hope that somehow saving my life will bring you peace. I am headed off to where you've sent me. You know where I am, and I know I will never see you again. But I do have one request. If I make it to old age, before you die, will you somehow will me the truth? Before you die somewhere in your crazy life, that most Americans benefit from but never know it, will you send me the truth? I hope that by the time I'm 80 I won't need to be protected from this terrible unknown.

With Love,
Robin "

Trace realized her tears had dropped onto parts of the pages. She needed to keep this letter so she gently dabbed at the paper as she remembered the words of her own written message, "No words are adequate. Even should I explain leaving nothing unspoken, it would surely sound hollow and would change nothing. The only thing I could possibly say to the question of why is that you deserve to be loved. You deserve love Robin. A feeling of wonder that makes your heart soar and your soul breathe peace, which I pray brings a joy almost beyond knowing. None of this makes sense. But if this gives you the chance to be loved in that way, to live the kind of life only a beautiful soul such as yours can live then it was worth every bullet, and every tear. I wish you the utmost best and love beyond reason. Trace"

She knew these weren't the words to bring peace, not the words Robin had wanted. But like her message had said, no words are adequate. She closed her eyes and prayed the woman would live well beyond 80. It was hard to breathe and she didn't even want to anymore. She was utterly empty.

"Ouwwwwwch, Trace it's me Roddy. Let go, I'm sorry, my hand, ouuuc!"

"Whak, wha…oh I sorry. I where…oh…………damn!"

"Are you listening? Trace you where dreaming. Girl, ya been gone days now. Ya won't say anything. I don't know if ya even remember nothin. Trace its about Ellie, you know Robin. She's got to where she's goin. Paul's still there. He and the gang are gonna pass about a week there. Be sure she's set up. Did ya get that Trace, Ellie's fine," Roddy was rubbing his left wrist.

"Okay, how many days she gone?"

"Well it's been 10 days. I've been in here everyday. Do ya remember anything?"

"I remember you chowd me she was safe and kep chawking and no leave me ayone."

"Fine, then, you won't mind I'll be gone a while. Sit here an rot for all I care girl. You said you wouldn't give up and ya did. You're a mess. I bet ya don't even remember Mad Mary comin in then did ya. Well, Suz is gonna have to baby sit ya. I'm not sure why. She's either nice or off her head, but I'm in a bind and she's volunteered to help ya out again. She knows she's less likely to get her head blown off, this time. But don't you go laying a hand on her, do ya hear. She's not to be touched, not even if you're in a dream and ya accidentally flail about. She's been through enough. No shoutin at her or growlin. I got a tough skin, but she don't deserve that and you an me will have more than words ya know. Even if you do skin me alive. If I hear anythin worth reportin I'll let ya know," he was frustrated with the unpredictable assassin that had landed in the middle of his life and he stomped out.

Trace had registered all he'd said. She was surprised it had been 10 days. But Ellie was in Fort Brag. She'd made it without incident. No tail was what she remembered from Roddy's rambling. Trace had retreated, trying to crawl under a rock and deny that she still existed. That she had to sit in this bed and wait for her damn body to heal. She had nothing to do to distract her from the pain, the heartache, and her days had been a blur. She didn't want to remember, to watch the hours tick by. Her dreams had been filled with chasing after a motorcycle gang trying to catch Crab before he caught up with them. Once she'd dreamed of the sweet Robin in her garden pruning the roses. But when the woman turned around her face was a skeleton. She saw that beautiful face everywhere, in her dreams in her thoughts. Now Suz was coming. What would she say? What could she say? She had got the woman's boyfriend killed. Roddy hadn't said when Suz would be there. But she didn't have long to wonder.

"Well Roddy's gone to take care of some of his life. You're stuck with me. God I hope I never looked like you. When I was passed out, that didn't count. Of course, you um stopped quite a few bullets from what I hear. Sorry about that. But Robin's gone and off to her new life so I'm told. That's the good part right," the woman sounded pleased.

Trace nodded, she had no idea what to say.

"So you're as talkative as ever. Well, I'll be in the living room. If you need my attention, just give a yell."

"Is no easy chawk. Sorrwy. Pwus wha couwd I possby say," Trace looked down at her hands.

"Well, some people have been known to say Hi for starters. Hopefully that's not too much to say. I'm here to help Roddy. He's got a limited number of folks around that know you and what happened. So I'm helping out," Suz explained.

"I'm surprise you here. Bu dank you for heping him. Danks no enough, bu is aww I can do righk now," Trace sounded apologetic.

"Well he's a good guy. So no problem. Are you hungry or do you need anything? I'm giving the doc a break too. He's been here a while. Said he'll be back in a few days. Your injuries aren't dangerous anymore. You just need time to let your body heal."

"Danks hepin me. Coud I ged wash wrag, wader, soap," Trace new she stunk even though Suz had been gracious enough to not mention it.

She was Soooooooo tired of being crippled. Pissing and crapping in a bedpan was humiliating. It was time to clean up and take advantage of the over protective doctor's absence.


The Be Continued...