Chapter 10

I woke up early the next morning. Charlie was still asleep next to me. Her face looked so different when she was asleep. I had never really noticed before. And as I was gazing at her, her eyes opened. I caressed her cheek and said, "Your face looks so peaceful when you're asleep."

I ran my hand over her hair. She was saying nothing so my eyes went back to her face.

"We told Lyle we would go out with him on his new yacht today. Are you up to it?" she asked.

I did not want to disappoint her and I gave her a smile and said, "Yes, let's go."

She smiled, gave me a kiss and jumped out of bed. It never ceased to amaze me how comfortable Charlie was with her body. She was walking around completely nude, stuffing clothes into a small bag for the trip. She stopped and turned to me. "Get up, you lazy head or we'll never get out of here." Then she asked, "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"I was thinking how beautiful you are," I answered her lazily.

She let the bag fall to the floor and the trip was forgotten. We stayed in bed all morning, and left for the Hamptons after lunch.

We landed in East Hampton Airport around three in the afternoon. We went straight to the dock.

Lyle was furious. "I waited till today because of you!" He barked at Charlie as soon as he saw her.

"Oh Lyle, put a cork in it. Like you've never left me waiting before." She was helping me to get on board. "Remember that time in LA when you asked me to fly out there because you were in trouble? You flew to London and just forgot to leave a message?"

I was on deck. She turned to face him, at which time he broke into laughter. "Okay, okay! I've apologized to you for that at least one hundred times," he finished saying, still laughing his head off.

"Yeah, well, I still remember the sunburn I got there!" She started to laugh too.

"Hello Laura," he now said looking me over. He kissed me on the cheek a little too long and looked at Charlie. She didn't seem pleased. "This way ladies, I'll show you around." The yacht was gorgeous. It was immense. We put out to sea within minutes.

I started getting a little nervous and looked at Charlie. "Don't worry," she assured me, putting her hand in mine. "We're only going out a few miles and we'll stay close to the shoreline." I showed a smile of relief. "I have to talk to Lyle for a moment, I'll be right back." and she walked toward the back of the boat where he was.

The wind felt good on my face. The coastline was so beautiful from here. I turned towards where they were and it seemed that they were having some kind of argument. It was very heated, Lyle was yelling and Charlie threw her hands up in the air and walked away towards me. You could tell that she was furious. When she reached me she said nothing and just stood beside me looking out to sea.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

She turned to face me. "Never go with Lyle anywhere alone!" She was very serious.

I just looked at her curiously. "Why would I--"

She interrupted, "Promise," she insisted. She was very serious about this.

"Okay, I promise." I said to her.

"Lyle is a part of the life I used to have. I want a new and different life with you."

I was surprised at this and I realized that something that I was not privy to was going on. She took a step towards me and brushed my cheek with her lips. Then her mouth found mine and proceeded to give me a passionate kiss. I saw Lyle walking towards us with a grin on his face and I pulled away from her. She saw my expression and turned.

"Well, well, it's going to be a wonderful summer after all." I didn't understand what he was trying to say but Charlie must have because she gave him a murderous look. "It's only a game, CHARLIE!" He emphasized my name for her.

"Don't play this game, Lyle. You won't win!" I was obviously in the middle of some power game between them.

"Don't think so?" He asked sarcastically.

"Don't push me against a wall because I won't hold back," she said to him in a menacing voice.

They just stood facing each other for a moment. Lyle caved in. "Okay, if things change I'll be waiting as always," he said with a smile and walked away.

"Charlie, what the hell is going on here?" I asked.

"Old business that I just finished." As I was about to ask more questions, she changed the subject. "How about if we go dancing tonight?"

I didn't know what to say. It was a plain enough question. But then again our situation was not at all plain. I hesitated. "Charlie, where can we go?"

She turned to look at the ocean again. "There's a place at East Gate Road, where we would not look out of place." I wasn't ready for this and I remained silent. She was looking at me now. "Are we going to hide forever? Why are you so ashamed to be seen with me?" She was clearly very upset.

"I'm here with you now!" I responded.

"Sure you are," she said and looked away again before continuing. "Here, safe from prying eyes. You jumped away from me when you thought Lyle was looking."

What could I say to her? She was right. "I need time," I told her softly.

"TIME? How much time? A WEEK? A MONTH? A YEAR? MAYBE TWO? How much time?"

I wasn't ready for this reaction. I just stared at her, I didn't have an answer. She took in a deep breath and looked away from me. And I stood there not knowing what to say or do. I turned and ran away from her. As soon as I got to the indoor cabin, my hand went to my face and I started to cry. No sooner had I done this then I was turned around and embraced by her.

"I'm sorry…I'm sorry…I…just want you so much! Now that we are back, I'm afraid to lose you. That you won't need me anymore." Her voice was filled with such sadness.

"No," I touched her face. " I'm the one that is sorry Charlie. We'll go dancing tonight just like you wanted to."

She held my face up by the chin, smiled and kissed me. I went into her arms again and whispered, "Be patient with me Charlie, please."

There were no more scenes for the rest of our outing. My nerves were raw. So much was happening. I wasn't taking it in fast enough. I felt like I was on a crash course to disaster. But I was committed to try that night.

We got to the nightclub at almost midnight. Charlie was leading me by the hand through the crowd. I kept looking around. I felt exposed, uncomfortable. There were many couples like us, as Charlie put it. They were dancing very provocatively. The music was so loud. It was smoky and dark in some places. I saw two women in a deep embrace.

I started to feel the panic rise within me begin. Charlie waved to a few people from a distance. I tried to hide my face. We got to the dance floor and Charlie started to dance in front of me. I just stood there, not knowing exactly what to do. I started looking around me.

Then a slow song came on. Charlie took me in her arms and started swaying with me. She was rubbing against me provocatively, her cheek was next to mine. And for a moment, I closed my eyes and I could smell her hair. Her body was exciting me. And when I opened my eyes, the reality of where I was hit me. I tried pulling away. She held me tightly. We were looking into each other's eyes. Her eyes were as cold as ice. Charlie kissed me on the mouth passionately. I felt every eye on me. She held me tighter and I felt her hand slide down my thigh and rest on my lower back.

The panic inside me took over. I pushed her away and started running through the crowd. I had to get out of there. I couldn't breath. When I got out to the street I started looking around. What was I doing here? Where was I going to go? I was totally disoriented.

Then I heard Charlie's voice behind me. "Let's go home," she said very softly and calmly. Ever so calmly, like you would talk to an animal trying not to spook him. So you could rein him in. That's just how I felt. Trapped. Caged in. And she could see it.

She guided me to a cab and we went back to the house. I felt as if I were in some kind of daze. All of a sudden the world was on my shoulders. I was at the edge of a precipice and I was going to fall. I would fall and die. We got to the house in silence. And in silence we went to bed.

*********

When I woke up the next morning, Charlie was already out of bed. I could hear the shower running. How was I going to deal with today? Last night had been so horrible. She was willing to go to those places to be with me and I had run from there, from her. She had been willing to expose herself to the world to be with me and I had run from her. I wasn't strong enough. I had betrayed her. She must have been nervous too. But she hadn't run away, I had.

Tears started rolling down my face. All I ever did lately was cry. My life was out of control. I wiped the tears away from my face when I heard the water turn off in the shower. I was reaching for my robe when Charlie was coming in from the bathroom. I tried stretching my arm to reach it without getting out from under the covers. Charlie went over to the edge of the bed and held it up for me to take. As was our custom, I slept without any clothing. But unlike Charlie, I was uncomfortable with my nudity since returning from the island.

She stood there, holding out the robe with her unreadable gaze. I couldn't move, I just looked down. She came over to the edge of the bed and stood over me. I did not want to look into that blank expression in her eyes. I heard her reach for something in the nightstand. She took my head and pulled it towards her. I could feel her hand caressing my hair. I pressed my face closer to her. Her fingers were running through my hair. I breathed in and her scent went through me like a drug I needed and would die without. I felt her fingers tighten around my hair and pull my head back and my mouth went to meet hers. But she didn't kiss me. I felt her hold on my hair tighten. She pulled my head back further and further

"Is this the only way I can touch you? Hiding? Always hiding and in the dark?" She was furious. Her eyes were those of a stranger. "You won't even show yourself to me anymore," she hissed.

"I'm--" but before I could continue she pulled my head back hard and she fell on top of me on the bed.

Within seconds she had pulled my hands over my head and had me handcuffed to the bedpost. Horror, all I could feel was horror.

"Charlie--"

She placed her hand over my mouth. "How much more do you think I can stand? Expecting you to say you're leaving me. Why can't you love me like I love you? Do you know how you make me feel?" She was fuming. This was a stranger.

The only noises I could make were muffled cries. "What haven't I offered you? What? Do you need a better fuck?"

My eyes expressed the shock. I tried tossing to get her off me. But I was held in place by my arms.

"Is that what you want? I can give you that too!"

I could feel the fear running through my veins. She got off me and pulled the sheet between us off. I started to yell, "Charlie, what are you doing?" You could hear the fear in my voice. "Let go of me Charlie! Please! Have you gone crazy?"

She just sat there next to me. Not a word came from her lips and she started to slowly remove her robe. She spread her legs and sat on my stomach as if to ride me. "Charlie, please! You're scaring me! CHARLIE?" By then I was petrified.

She just kept staring at me. We were just staring at one another. Her hand started touching my body, exciting me. Her mouth was sucking my breast. I could feel myself starting to want her. My body started responding to her touch. She did all this looking at me, without saying a word, with the eyes of a stranger.

Just as quickly as she had gotten on me, she got off. She parted my legs and got between them. "What haven't I done for you? What are you missing that I can't give you?" She looked menacing.

"Charlie, I'm sorry--"

"You need a good fuck," she interrupted. Her eyes were like pieces of cold steel.

"Charlie--"

She pulled something from under the pillow and I felt a piercing pain going right through me. I cried out. I felt the trusting pain over and over.

"Well now I'm giving you that too!" She screamed.

My God, what was she doing to me? I tried to twist my body but all I could do was scream in horror.

"I'm fucking you Laura. Are you happy now!"

I kept feeling the thrusts continue. She laid part of her body on me. Her breathing was heavy and the pain wouldn't stop. "I've wanted to fuck you like this for so long baby. I wanted to be the one to break you," she groaned in my ear. Her mouth found the breast closest to it and sucked at the nipple so hard I cried out in more pain. The more I pleaded with her to stop the more it seemed to excite her. I kept crying out in pain, telling her to stop hurting me, until I felt her body shake with orgasm, then the piercing pain stopped.

Charlie rolled off me and I coiled away from her. We were surrounded by a silence broken only by her hard breathing and my whimpering sobs.

I don't know how much time we just laid there. All I could feel was a sense of detachment. Not believing what had just happened, I chose to feel nothing to say nothing and sink into oblivion. I closed my eyes and it all went dark.

********

My eyes flew open when I felt a pulling of my hands. I could see Charlie above me removing the handcuffs. Once my hands were free my body curled up into a fetal position and my body started shaking with my sobs again. I was hurting. I was hurting so much.

I tried getting up and my knees gave way. I fell to the floor. She was there next to me, helping me up. I pushed her away from me, not saying a word. I tried again, and again I fell to the floor. I started to cry uncontrollably out of pain and frustration. My God, how had I gotten here?

I could feel her hovering over me trying to touch me and not daring to. She fell to her knees in front of me in tears. "I'm sorry…I'm so sorry," she pleaded.

She reached out for me and I pulled away. She began to cry uncontrollably and embraced me. I tried to push her off me, but she wouldn't let go. "I will die if you leave me! Oh God, I want to die!" She kept repeating. "I'm insane. I'm going crazy at the thought of losing you."

No matter how hard I tried pushing her away she wouldn't let go. After awhile I stopped trying.

"I love you. You have to believe me, I love you. Forgive me!" She continued to plead. "I don't know how this happened. I promise you, I will die before I hurt you again. Please believe me? You have to believe me." She was sobbing again. "I've never been in love before. I've never been in this situation before!"

She had never been in that situation before. Those words registered in my brain. I had put her in this situation. I had placed her in it on the island and I had pushed her into this love affair. I was partly responsible for this insanity.

I felt tired. I was tired of fighting. I tried getting up again. She tried to help me and I let her. I had let this happen. I was to blame. I gave in. She helped me to the bathroom and turned on the shower. We both got in together. She bathed me and patted me dry. I knew this Charlie. Who had just brutally attacked me?

I said nothing. I did nothing. She helped me back to bed saying that it was still early. She tucked me in and laid down next to me. Pulling me into her arms, she caressed my hair and temples with mesmerizing strokes until I fell asleep.

********

The telephone ringing woke us up. Charlie reached over me for the phone. "Hello," she said. "No. I said no! Don't fuck with me Lyle, or so help me!!" She hung up and looked down into my eyes. There was the Charlie that I knew. I could see her again. I went up to embrace her and held her tight. I wanted to forget what had happened. I wanted to forget that other Charlie; the one that had given me so much pain, the one that had hurt me. It had been a horrible nightmare. But I was awake now and it would be forgotten.

I had thought that everything was pending on my choices. That day I realized that I had very few. The pain started to subside. I told myself she had been under a lot of pressure. I told myself it would never happen again. She loved me. She would never hurt me again.

Later that night we flew back and arrived in Manhattan a little after eight. I felt completely exhausted. I called Mark at home to verify my picking up the kids in the morning. All of a sudden I felt a rush of warm fluid running down my legs. And as if in slow motion I looked down and I saw that my slacks were stained in blood. I felt the room spin. The phone slipped out of my hand and I felt arms from behind me holding me up. I could see Charlie yelling but I couldn't hear what she was saying. I was numb. It was suddenly very quiet. And I fell into a deep dark abyss.

*********

I swam up through the darkness and when I reached the top I opened my eyes and I didn't know where I was. I saw Charlie slouched over with her hands in her face. I made a sound and her head immediately flew up. She looked terrible and distraught. She seemed tired and there were black circles under her eyes they were bloodshot. She came to my side and held my hand with both of hers. She sat down next to me and her face went to lie on my hands and sobs shook her body. "I'm sorry…I'm sorry," she kept saying.

I started to look around me. I was in a hospital. What had happened? I looked at Charlie. Her tear-filled eyes were looking into mine. "It's my fault. I hurt you. Oh God!" She started to cry again. "I love you so much. I'm sorry."

The door to the room opened and a man walked in. It was Doctor Schaefer, the doctor that had examined us when we had gotten off of the island. Charlie immediately got up and turned her back to him. She wiped her face and then turned to face him again.

The doctor looked at her then turned to me. "Hello Ms. Cole. Do you remember me? I'm Doctor Schaefer." His voice was gentle. "Your hemorrhage was due to lacerations to the vaginal wall." He looked at me than at Charlie. He was looking in my direction when he added, "Were you attacked, Ms Cole?" He waited for an answer.

I turned my gaze away and whispered. "No." There was a moment of silence. I looked at him and for a moment I thought I saw a glint of understanding and sympathy.

He cleared his throat. "You must understand that there is only so much damage the human body can take. This…incident is going to leave you with some vaginal scarring. I want you to stay off your feet for a few days, you've lost a lot of blood." He pulled a pad out of his pocket and was writing on it. "I'm prescribing some antibiotics. You can go home if you like. I'm counting on you, Charlotte, to see that she stays off her feet." He gave Charlie a censuring look, handed her the slip of paper, and she followed him out into the hallway. I could see them talking. He was shaking his head and she kept insisting about something. He hung his head in defeat as she kept talking. Finally, he looked up and nodded his head. He looked tired and, after saying something to her, he walked away. She came back into the room.

"What were you talking to the doctor about?" I asked, trying to sit.

"He isn't going to report anything so there won't be any record. You won't have to answer any more embarrassing questions," she finished saying. "Let's go home now" she said tenderly. She helped me to get dressed.

The Rolls was waiting at the hospital door and it took us home. We pulled in front of the Tower and Steven, the chauffeur, opened the door of the car.

"I'm glad you feel better Miss Cole. You gave us all a fright," he said kindly to me. Charlie looked at him as she followed me out of the car. And if looks could kill he would be dead. I had begun to notice that she did not like people speaking to me on a personal level. She seemed to resent anyone that could take my attention from her. He immediately walked around the car, got into it, and drove away. Charlie helped me to the elevator and into our floor.

She was so sorry. There wasn't anything she didn't try to do. She got me water, put my feet up, and fluffed the cushions behind me in the couch. I reached for her hand to stop her for a moment. "Charlie, stop. I'm okay," I said gently.

Her eyes filled with tears again and they rolled down her cheeks. She sat next to me and just held me. And as I looked towards her my lips tasted her tears. She helped me into bed.

The next morning I was in no shape to pick up the kids so Charlie had gone to bring them to me. It was noon and they were still not back. I was getting worried. Then I heard the hustle and bustle of the kids. They flew into the room with arms filled with stuffed animals and flowers. I was so happy to see them. I opened my arms and they flew into them.

"Mommy, are you feeling better? Charlie told us you were sick," said Ashley.

"I'll be fine. I'm so glad to see you!" I said joyfully. I looked at Josh. "I missed you both so much." I gave Charlie a big smile and she smiled back, left the room closing the door behind her.

We spent the weekend in the apartment. We watched movies, played games and talked and joked a lot. It was wonderful. Charlie doted on the children and me. It was perfect. I felt happy again. It was Charlie who took the children back on Sunday night.

Lyle came by before Charlie had gotten back. Roxanne came to my room. She was now in the apartment everyday to see to all the chores. "I'm sorry to disturb you Miss but Mr. Crawford insists on waiting for Miss Von Steiben and talking to you. I've already told him that you are not well, but he won't leave." She was clearly upset.

"It's all right Roxanne, I'll see him." She helped me get up and put a robe on. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and straightened out my hair. I went out to meet Lyle.

I stretched my hand out to greet him. "Hello Lyle."

He took my hand and kissed me on the cheek. "I was told that you were ill, are you feeling better?" He asked.

"I'm much better thank you," I replied. He still had my hand in his. I gradually pulled it away and I asked him to sit down. I sat on the opposite couch.

"What is exactly wrong with you my dear?" He asked with a smile. "Had a rough night with our dear Charlie?"

I looked up quickly into his eyes. "I had a small accident," I responded looking away.

"I see...." he said looked around and went to the point. "Well, since we are both Charlotte's closest friends these days, I thought we should get to know each other better." I feigned a smile. "Charlotte and I go back a long way," he started saying. "We've known each other since we were both kids. We were always in trouble," he said laughing.

"What got you into trouble?" I asked. I was curious to know about Charlie. She was always so discreet about her life before me.

"We were always doing things we shouldn't," he said.

"Like what?"

"Everything, because it was fun." He was looking at me very seriously. I wasn't exactly sure what to say next. He must have seen the confusion in my expression. He started laughing. "I'm sorry, I always go for the dramatic," he said as he got up and walked behind me. He was standing behind the couch and started massaging my shoulders. "Here, this always helped Charlotte after a tennis match."

I started to get really nervous. "Lyle, I'm fine thanks, you don't have to do that."

He could hear the trembling of my voice, but he did not stop. I felt my heart starting to pound in my chest. "Lyle, please!" I tried to get up but he pushed me back down.

"Just trust me," he whispered in my ear and kissed it.

"NO! Let go!" I yelled and at that moment Charlie walked in and she was furious.

"Get away from her!"

My face was flushed. She was next to him in a flash, pushed him away from me and started to strike him. Lyle grabbed her hands and she then kneed him in the groin and he went down with a thud.

Charlie looked in my direction. "Are you okay?"

I nodded. She walked to a phone and called for Steven to come up immediately. Lyle was still on the floor when he arrived. "Get this piece of shit out of here," Charlie said.

"Don't think you can live like this forever CHARLIE!" He said to her.

She just stood there watching Steven take him away. "How long do you think this thing with her is going to last? This type of life is not for you!" and on that note, the elevator door closed.

Charlie walked over to me. "Did he hurt you?" she asked anxiously.

"No," I answered. "Charlie, what's all this about?" I asked her. "Why was he so angry?"

She didn't answer.

"Were you and Lyle involved or something?"

Still, she did not answer. She just kept looking at me. She got up and walked to the window and was looking out over the city. "I had another kind of life before I knew you," she said simply and nothing else. "Nothing before us is important." This attitude always upset me.

"Why won't you tell me Charlie? What is it that you think I won't understand?" I asked her.

"There is nothing to tell," she answered still looking out onto the city.

I got up and started walking towards her but on the way I felt pain and a groan escaped my lips. She turned and was next to me quickly. "You should be in bed." She had her arms around me and was helping me back to our room. She helped me into bed.

I reached for her hand and I said. "Trust me. Trust me, Charlie, I love you." There was a touch of pleading in my voice.

She looked me straight in the eyes as she replied, "There are things you wouldn't understand." She started to go but I wouldn't let go of her.

"I know you. There isn't anything that you could have done that could be so horrible," I said to her.

She looked at me and I saw a touch of pain in her eyes. "Yes there is," and she left the room. I heard her out in the hallway, telling Roxanne to bring me some tea.

********

I woke up feeling better the next day. Charlie brought me breakfast in bed, smiling from ear to ear. Her hand reached out and caressed my face. "I have some errands to run will you be okay?" She asked and I nodded. "Do you want me to bring you anything?" I shook my head no. She started to leave and when she reached the door she turned around. "I've left instructions with security downstairs that Lyle is not to be allowed to come up," she informed me and walked out.

A few days later I got a call from Mark telling how busy he was and he hoped that I was feeling better. When Charlie picked up the children he had asked about me and she had told him I had not been feeling well.

Later that afternoon two dozen blue roses were delivered. They arrived when Charlie and I were sitting in the living room. Steven brought them up. "They are for you Miss Cole," he said.

I looked at Charlie and held out my hands to take them from him. I put them on the side table. "How did you know?" I asked her.

She looked at me and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't send them."

I opened the card and I saw that they were from Mark. I smiled to myself.

"Who are they from?" She asked and when I looked up I could see that she was not pleased.

"They're from Mark."

"What does the card say?"

I knew it would upset her but refusing would be worse. I looked at the card and read it to her. "With all the love and the magic of the old days -- Love Mark."

She was visibly upset. "Why are you encouraging him?"

Steven and Roxanne discreetly left the room. She was angry. "I don't," I replied.

" He has been calling you. Why?" She was fuming.

"Are you spying on me?" I asked. Now I was angry.

"Why are you talking to him? What does he want?" She ignored my question.

"He just called to see if I was feeling better."

"Did you tell him? Did you?" She asked the same thing over and over.

I turned and was walking away from her. I wouldn't take this. She grabbed my arm and pulled me around. "Did you tell him!!" She yelled.

"What did you want me to tell him Charlie? That I went into the hospital because you felt inadequate and you fucked me!!" I saw her hand rise and then I felt the blow across my face. I fell to the floor. I was disoriented for a few seconds and I looked up and saw Charlie standing above me. I saw her face go from anger to remorse. She looked like she was the one that had been hit. She turned around and ran out.

Steven came back into the room and helped me up. He took out his handkerchief and gave it to me. I looked at him and he pointed to his lip and mine. I wiped my lips and saw bloodstains on the handkerchief. Oh God, I was bleeding.

Tears started rolling down my face. I could see the pity in his eyes as he looked at me. Charlie came back into the room and Steven left without a word. She walked slowly towards me. She just stared and stood there, looking very confused. "I don't know how to love anyone." She wouldn't look at me in the eye. "I never had anyone to teach me. I was shipped from school to school. I never…stayed anywhere long enough for anyone to care for me. My mother…hated me. She told me so. That's why after she died I tore up her rose garden. All I know is how to keep people away so they can't hurt me." Now she looked into my eyes and hers were filled with tears as well. "I don't want to lose you. You're the only good thing in my life." She embraced me and my arms went up to hold her. She hung on to me and cried without consolation. She kissed my cheek, the side of my mouth and then she looked at my face for a sign. I just looked back in confusion.

I wasn't sure how to handle this. The violence between us was beginning to scare me. I just didn't know how Charlie would react anymore.

Before I could speak, she kissed me lightly. Her lips were wet with her tears. I could taste them. I could feel her need for me. She shook with emotion. Her mouth opened and beckoned. I hadn't touched her or been touched for so long, that I gave in to my longing and I welcomed her kiss. She made love to me that night gently and with such tenderness. I tasted her tears and felt her passion. There was a need that she alone could fill inside me. She needed. She needed so much. And I gave myself to her.

Chapter 11

The next few weeks went by without any incidents. The children would come on the weekends. I had even met with my mother and we had started seeing each other about once a week in some restaurant in the city. We talked about the children, Mark, and my coming to visit. She never mentioned Charlie and I didn't either. There was my life and there was my life with Charlie.

The blue roses kept coming every week but Charlie never said a word again. I saw Mark briefly on Saturdays when we would pick up the children together. Charlie accompanied me now when I went to pick them up. The business was getting hard to keep up with, Mark told me over the phone. He kept calling regularly to see how I was. He was friendly and funny and I liked talking to him. We had been friends even before we had been lovers. Charlie knew about some of the calls. I could see she didn't like it but she didn't object either. I needed to gradually work out something with Mark about the children. I hoped that she would understand, I said once.

We stayed in Manhattan all this time. Charlie never mentioned going back to the Hamptons. And that was fine. I dreaded the thought of that house now.

Charlie and I were watching a sitcom on television one night and I felt her shake me. "Did you hear me?" she asked.

"No I'm sorry," I said.

"I thought that since the children would be out of school in a week, and Mark is so busy these days, we could take them on a vacation." She seemed really excited. "We could go to Disney, or anywhere they might want to go. What do you think?"

I didn't exactly know what to say. "It sounds great, but…I don't know if Mark would agree." I answered. "I could ask him. He has really been busy lately." I must confess I was beginning to get excited too. "I'll call him." I reached for the phone. Mark got on the phone right away. "Mark, it's Laura…. No, I'm fine, thanks…Mark if you didn't have any plans with the kids after school is over, I wanted to take them on vacation somewhere…of course…Mark you're in the office most of the day and…I understand…yes, I am…well, I…just for a week…Yes… Oh Mark, thank you.... Yes.... Thank you Mark...I love you too, bye." I turned to Charlie. "He agreed, Charlie we can take the children for a week. Isn't it wonderful!" In my excitement I didn't notice her expression until that was all I could see. "What's the matter?" I asked.

"You don't know do you?" She kept staring.

"Know what?"

She got up and walked away. Just as quickly she came back in. "You said 'I love you too'!"

I just stared. "I couldn't have said that!" I exclaimed.

"Yes you did. Do you think I would make that up?" she was yelling now.

"Charlie, I don't want to fight," I said to her. "If I said it, it was out of habit. For Gods sake, I don't even remember saying it!" I exclaimed. She was furious. I went to her and embraced her. I wanted to avoid an incident at all costs. She pushed me away from her. "Charlie, make love to me," I said and that got a reaction out of her. Her eyes started to soften and she took me to bed. I promised her I would try to tell him about us as soon as I could. I just needed a little more time.

We spent most of the week making plans and buying things for our trip. We had decided to take the children to Disney in Florida.

Mark called and wanted me to meet him for lunch to discuss the details of the trip. I didn't think it was an unreasonable request, so I agreed to meet him. I didn't mention it to Charlie because I didn't want to upset her. Looking back, my action was unwise. I told her I was going to meet my mother for lunch. Any mention of Mark would make her fly into a rage now. We met for lunch in a restaurant downtown.

He looked tired and had lost some weight. "God, just looking at you makes me feel good!" He exclaimed.

"Mark please," I said.

"Okay, okay," he replied. "Where will you be going with the kids?"

"I thought we could go to Disney in Orlando," I answered.

"Yeah, I think they would really enjoy that." He was looking at me with such longing. "I wish I were going with you."

I looked away. He reached into his pocket and gave me an envelope. "I want you to take this," he said. I looked inside and it had a check for four thousand dollars. I looked at him in surprise. "I wanted to give you this so that your vacation might be a little nicer," he finished saying. "I'll be sending you a check every month."

I was speechless I hadn't expected this. "Mark, thank you but I don't…"

"I want you to have this," he interrupted. "The business is doing great and it belongs to you too. You worked very hard remember? I should have done this long ago. I'm sorry."

I couldn't accept. "Mark, I really..."

He reached out for my hand and my eyes met his. He spoke very softly. "You are my wife. Do you know how much I love you? How much I still need you? I've talked to Sarah about this."

My mouth opened and all I could say was, "Oh no."

"I'm sorry I hurt her, but the truth is I love you, and until she was gone I knew you wouldn't even consider a reconciliation."

I didn't know what to say to him. How could I tell him? So I said nothing.

"Have a good time and when you come back, after you've had some time to think, perhaps we can talk again." He squeezed my hand and raised it to his lips. I felt the walls closing in. Pretty soon I wouldn't be able to move without crashing into one of them. I suppose I wished that eventually it would all work itself out. I didn't want to hurt anyone and by not acting. In the end I hurt everyone.

*********

We flew in a private plane into Orlando. A limousine met us and took us straight to the park. We were staying at Disney's Contemporary Hotel. It was an incredibly beautiful hotel. Right in the middle of the park with the monorail that went right through it. We were taken up to a VIP suite. It consisted of two sitting rooms, a dining room, four bedrooms and no less than four bathrooms. We had arrived late, so we ordered dinner to be brought up instead of going out. We planned to start early the next day.

The kids were really excited they had never been to Disney. After dinner, we watched some television and decided to turn in early. After we had tucked them in, Charlie and I went out into the terrace out of the master bedroom and could see all of the park from there. We were surrounded with lights and the magic of the place filled me with wonder. I had never been here either. I kept pointing at different sites. She just stared at me and laughed. "Oh Charlie isn't it all wonderful!" I exclaimed and gave her a big hug.

"Yes, wonderful," she whispered looking into my eyes. She reached out and placed the lock of hair on the side of my face behind my ear.

"You haven't done that for so long," I said to her. She gave me a smile and held me close to her. All of a sudden the sky was filled with fireworks. It was beautiful.

We spent the next day going through the Magic Kingdom. The kids wanted some ice cream and we quickly agreed so we could sit down and get off our feet.

"Aren't you guys tired?" Charlie said jokingly.

"No!" they both answered at the same time.

We both started laughing. By the time the day was over, we were sure we needed hospitalization. The kids had their bath and we each took a quick shower. They started watching TV while we ordered dinner from room service. I was putting some of their clothes away when Charlie poked her head into the room and said very seriously and very softly, "I love you, you know." And I smiled at her. She smiled back and went to watch TV with the kids.

When room service arrived, they were chasing each other around the couch. We all sat down for dinner. The conversation was light and we talked about the plans for the next day. We all had such a good time together.

The next few days were spent exploring the rest of the park. There was Epcot, Animal Kingdom, MGM Studios, and so much more to see and do. One night we went to a restaurant called Medieval Times. You had dinner while watching a show, which consisted of knights on horseback jousting. It was spectacular. It was perfect.

On our last night the conversation around the table was pretty much the same, except that the plans were for the upcoming weekend instead of the next day. Charlie started telling them about her house in the Hamptons and they started making all sorts of plans about going sailing and building sand castles on the beach.

Charlie looked in my direction and smiled. "Your rose garden must be ready by now," she said gently.

I nodded and smiled back. Josh looked at me and said, "Mommy will you come live with us now?" The silence was palpable. I couldn't find the words to answer him.

"Yes, mommy why don't you? Sarah isn't living with us anymore," said Ashley.

Charlie was looking at me and when I looked at her she knew instantly that I had known.

"Oh mommy it would be great! All of us together. You, daddy, Josh and me," Ashley insisted.

I didn't have the heart to tell them that it was impossible. Charlie just sat there looking at her dinner in silence. I had to say something and I did. "We'll see sweetheart, we'll see."

Charlie didn't say much for the rest of the night. I tucked the kids in and I went looking for her. We had to talk. I found her out in the verandah smoking a cigarette. "I thought you quit," I said.

She did not turn to face me but said, "I guess not."

I stood there for a moment and then I went and stood next to her. "Smoking is not good for you Charlie," I said and took the cigarette from her hand gently.

She then turned and looked at me. "Sometimes you can't change things." she said.

I tried to touch her but she stepped away from me. "Nothing has changed for me. As difficult as it is sometimes. I do love you and nothing can change that," I said to her.

She looked at me and nodded. "I'm tired you must be too. Why don't we go to bed?" And we went to bed. That was all that was said. The next day we flew back to Manhattan.

********

I called Mark as soon as we had gotten back. "Mark, it's Laura…yes, we just got in." Charlie was pouring herself a drink and the children had gone to their rooms. "We all had a wonderful time…can I keep them a few more days next week…yes, of course…I understand…I'll tell them…yes….I'll pick them up on Saturday morning and get them back to you on Tuesday night, if that's all right… no, it's just that we had made some plans to take them to the Hamptons…with Charlie…Mark, I can't…no…okay, thanks I'll be picking them up at about ten in the morning…thanks, bye." I hung up the phone and I was facing Charlie, except that Charlie was still not facing me. I knew she could see me from the reflection in the mirror in front of her. "Charlie?" I waited for an answer.

All I got was silence. "Okay, I know, I didn't tell you. I knew you would act like this," I said as I started to approach her. "I don't want to feel like I have to walk on eggshells when I'm with you Charlie." Still, she said nothing. "Love is based on trust. We trusted each other for everything on the island, why can't you trust me now?" She was looking down into her glass. "I have been honest with you about everything. That honesty is what is going to keep us together." She was looking at me from the mirror. Her eyes were unreadable. "Trust me sweetheart, as I trust you. I love you!" I was waiting for a response.

She turned around, was about to say something and at the last minute she must have changed her mind. "Yes, of course you're right," she finally said looking into her glass again.

I pressed further. "Charlie, what is wrong? Talk to me. We can overcome anything, just talk to me." I was pleading with her. I sensed there was something she wasn't telling me and that really worried me.

"You're right, I shouldn't let things bother me so much. I just don't know how I'm suppose to act, this is all new to me," she finished saying.

"Well, welcome to the club" I said to her smiling. "It never crossed my mind to look at a woman," I added. She just looked at me very intently. "I hope you're not sorry?" I asked her in earnest.

"Sorry for what Laura?"

"If not for me, you would never have been with a woman. Are you sorry I..." I couldn't finish the question.

"I hope you're never sorry you love me!" She said very softly after a moment, then turned towards me and pulled me into a strong embrace. "Let's go away for a few days," she said.

"Okay, where?"

"Let's go to Greece."

I looked at her in surprise. "Greece?"

"Yes, we'll go on a yacht to private beaches where you and I can be together. Away from prying eyes so we can just love each other. Greece is the most beautiful place. I want to share it with you, okay?" She waited anxiously. I nodded. Charlie was happy. We dropped off the children that night and the next morning we were in a private plane to Athens, Greece.

After arriving, we were driven to a yacht waiting for us at Piraeus, the largest port in Greece. It would take us south toward Paros, Naxos and Santorini.

As soon as we started our odyssey on the Aegean Sea, Charlie visibly relaxed. She was lighthearted and playful, as I remembered her back on the island. We would stop on the islands and wander lonely beaches, had lunch in small little towns, and dined on deck on starlit nights.

My love for her awoke again with the rekindled memories of the Charlie I had loved before everything had stood between us. We walked on white sands hand in hand, swam totally nude under the moon, and made love on the deserted beaches under the stars. I loved her as I had never loved her before. And when the end of our holiday came, I was truly sorry. It seemed that the tensions between us had gone, and all that I knew was how great my love was for her.

We left that world and returned to the other. This one was made of highways instead of beaches and buildings for shelter instead of the stars. That Friday night we arrived at the Tower around 11pm. I went out onto the terrace and looked up at the stars. Charlie came out and stood behind me, pulling me into her. "This is a savage jungle, Charlie," I said to her.

"Yes it is." Her arms tightened around me.

"Please hold me tight. I don't want to get lost," I said to her.

"Don't worry, I'll never lose you. I'd die before I let that happen. For the first time in my life I feel alive, truly alive." She kissed my neck and caressed my body. I turned in her arms and her lips welcomed mine.

We picked up the children at ten the next morning and Mark was there to meet us. "Hi, I heard you guys had a great time," he said.

"Yes, we did," I answered.

He was looking in the direction of the car. "Charlie is waiting, she's on the phone," I lied to him.

The kids ran out then and gave me a big hug. "We're ready mom. Where is Charlie?" Asked Josh.

"She's in the car." He ran to the car.

"They really like her," Mark said.

"Yes, she's very kind to them." I said to him.

"Does she have any family?"

"Me," I said and he kept looking at me. "She has no one. I'm the closest thing to a family she has."

"Yes, of course."

"Well sweetheart, say good-bye to daddy, we have a long trip ahead of us." Ashley gave her father a hug and took hold of my hand. "Good-bye Mark, and thanks, I said to him as I walked back to the car.

When I got in the car I gave Charlie a big smile and she smiled back. We arrived at South Hampton later on that day. The children thought the house was wonderful. They especially enjoyed sliding down the banister in the hallway, something that Charlie absolutely encouraged. She told them to get ready to go down to the beach and they ran upstairs to change. Holding her hand out to me, she led me to the garden. "Close your eyes, " she said.

"Charlie, where are you taking me?" I asked.

Finally she said, "Okay open them."

When I opened my eyes I was surround by cascades of roses. Mike was standing there looking so proud. I was speechless. "She had them flown in fully grown for you, Miss," he said.

Everywhere I looked was more beautiful than before. My eyes filled with tears when I turned to look at her. "Thank you Mike," she said and he walked away. She pulled me behind a wall and when we were hidden from prying eyes she kissed me passionately. Her lips were warm and tender. I loved her so much that words were inadequate.

We spent the day down on the beach. We all built a huge sandcastle. And the water was warm enough to go in, so we splashed and played in the water. Instead of going up to the house, we built a bonfire as it started to get dark and we ate down on the beach. Only when it started to get cool did we take the children up. Once they were safely in bed, Charlie and I went for a walk in the garden. "Do you like this house?" she asked. It seemed important to her that I should.

I looked at her. "Yes, it's beautiful."

She turned to me and spoke very seriously. "I can love this house. I want to replace all the sadness here with joy. My father built it for my mother right after they were married. She told him that she loved another man in this garden and that I wasn't his child. I overheard her. She left him here alone with me. Three months later he shot himself. She came back for me, of course. I hated her. As soon as I came of age and got my inheritance I made her leave. I never saw her after that. The last time I saw her she said she hated me too. And the feeling was mutual." She paused for a moment. "I want us to live here eventually. The kids seem to like it. I want to wake up with you here in my arms. I want to walk with you in this, our rose garden."

I had never heard Charlie speak so much about herself. She was letting me into the world within her and I wanted so much to be a part of that. She avoided eye contact. I doubt whether she had ever said all of this to anyone. She had told me about herself, about the pain and the hope for the joy. I knew this was a leap of trust for her. I took her hand and I said, "Yes, we'll be happy here," and we continued walking.

We spent a glorious few days all of us together, exploring the dunes in Montauk. We saw the famous Montauk Point Lighthouse isolated against the sea and surrounded by masses of dogwood roses. The afternoon before we left we took the kids horseback riding for over an hour out in a beautiful ranch called Deep Hollow. Charlie promised that next time we would all go sailing and do a million other things. They loved her. How could they not love her she was the Pied Piper.

The morning before we left she wanted to go down to the rose garden before anyone had woken up. I was only wearing a robe and I was barefooted. "What's the mystery Charlie?"

The sun was now rising, it was still that special magical time between night and the birth of a new day. She walked me to a corner of the rose garden, which was like a maze. The walls were cascades of roses.

"Here in our rose garden, where no one can see us, in our own world," she said to me.

"Sweetheart, that's lovely, but what are you trying to say?"

"Wait. Look, it's almost dawn." She smiled and looked up.

I looked up too. It was beautiful. She faced me and stroked my face. "I want to spend my whole life with you," she said.

I smiled. "I do too," I told her.

"No, I want more than just that. I really want to spend the rest of my life with you. Forever and ever." She was being very serious. I listened carefully. She removed the ring that was just like the one she had given me from her right hand and placed it on her left. She looked into my eyes and again said. "Forever and ever." Her eyes questioned me although her mouth didn't voice a word.

I looked down at my hand and back at her. I looked down again and removed my ring and placed it in my left hand as well. As soon as I looked into her eyes I felt the warmth that radiated from them. She placed her hand behind my back and pulled me to her. Her lips were barely touching mine and she whispered, "I have never loved another as I love you," and her lips covered mine. Her kisses were warm and sensual and I committed myself to her in our rose garden that morning at dawn.

Chapter 12

We got back to New York later that day as planned. We all had a late lunch and took the children home. I have to admit that by the time we got back to Manhattan that night I was exhausted. So it took me completely by surprise when Charlie wanted to go out.

"Don't be an old fogy, let's go," she insisted. She wanted to see a new film that had just opened.

"I can't believe you're not exhausted!"

"I'm happy and that makes me want to do things. Come on Laura."

I conceded. "Okay, but if I pass out during the film don't blame me."

"Don't worry about that, I'll keep you awake," she said and I looked puzzled and then she added. "We're going to sit in the back of the theater in a dark place so we can neck." I stared at her and then we both broke out in laughter.

Charlie gave Roxanne the rest of the week off so we were by ourselves in the apartment. We would do the cooking or go out to dinner. The privacy was welcomed. It was easier to express my feelings for Charlie without an audience. I could caress her and kiss her without worrying about someone coming upon us.

The next few weeks were spent uneventfully. We would take the children on the weekends and just roam around the city during the week. We attended fashion shows and movie premiers. Life with Charlie was by no means ordinary but after awhile exhausting. During this time I still heard from Mark regularly. I even had lunch with him once or twice. I knew Charlie didn't like it but I felt that there were things that Mark and I needed to talk about.

"No more going out for awhile okay?" I finally said to her one afternoon. "Charlie, I'm exhausted. Can't we just stay home tonight?"

"If you want," she answered. Sitting down on the couch next to me, she took a lock of hair and put it behind my ear. I gave her a smile. "I'm sorry, you're really tired aren't you?" She asked with such tenderness. She got up and said "I'm going to run the tub for you. We'll take a long hot bath and turn in early tonight okay?"

I smiled and nodded, agreeing. At that moment the phone rang. Charlie picked up the extension. After saying "Hello" she said nothing else and handed the phone to me. She looked at the floor, then at me and walked out of the room.

"Hello?" I said.

"Laura, it's mom," she answered.

"Mother, yes…" She wanted to get together on Friday for lunch. "Mom, why don't you come here and have lunch with us?" I asked her. There was silence for a long while. "Mom, please come?" I asked again. "Let's try mother, please?"

"Friday at one. Is that okay?"

"Yes, that's perfect. Mom I love you."

"Yes, good-bye dear," she said and hung up the phone.

I couldn't believe what had just happened. Finally, I was making some progress. I went to find Charlie. She was running the water for the bath. She didn't look at me so I went to her and held her face turned it up to me. "Mother is coming for lunch on Friday, if that's okay with you?"

The expression on her face was that of total surprise. "She's coming for lunch here with you?" She asked in disbelief.

"And you." She just stared at me. "I'm trying Charlie," I said softly to her. She smiled and took me in her arms.

The next few days we did pretty much the same things as before, but we both knew that behind our minds, lunch on Friday was what we were really looking forward to.

That morning fresh flowers were delivered. Lunch was brought in from Le Cirque. I had made mom's favorite desert, baked pears with a glazed sugar caramel. Everything was ready. I had been ready at noon, a whole hour early. Charlie just sat in the couch looking at me pace. "Relax she'll be here soon," she said calmly but I knew she was more nervous than I was. We both knew this step was important, it would make all the difference.

One o'clock came and went. I just stared out the window. I could feel Charlie's eyes on me from the couch, but she kept silent. I looked at my watch and it was two in the afternoon. Without saying a word I turned and went out for a walk. Charlie didn't try to stop me. I needed some air.

This was never going to work, I kept telling myself. I would never, ever be able to make this work. Mom would never accept Charlie, Mark would never understand, and as for the children…I couldn't even imagine how they would handle this. I had been a fool. I actually had made myself believe that somehow I could live with Charlie and still, somehow, live an otherwise normal life. But our life was anything but normal and my mother had made me aware of that. With one blow, I had been thrown back to reality. A reality that I would have to come to terms with. I started walking back to the Tower.

When I arrived, Charlie was still sitting in the couch. I stood in front of her and said, "It doesn't matter," but she knew it did.

"Sure," she added.

"Want to go out tonight? How about that charity event you wanted to attend? Wasn't it a special performance of Tosca at the Met? Let's go. We'll get all dressed up and go to some club after," I said with faked enthusiasm. I knew she saw right through me but she got up and acted excited too.

"I think that's a great idea."

The event was being done for charity. It was incredibly crowded. Crowded enough so we wouldn't have to talk to one another and crowded enough so we could avoid the issue.

The opera was magnificent. I had never seen Tosca. And it was the first time I had been to the Met. Everywhere you looked there were chandeliers that came down from the ceilings. It was incredible.

The music from the opera really touched me. I once heard it said in a movie that if you love opera from the beginning you will always love it; if you don't, then you can learn to appreciate it. It was true. I found the music incredibly moving. Perhaps, it was the opera or the emotional state I was in but I found myself weeping. Charlie leaned over and brushed a tear away. I hadn't even realized I was doing it.

When intermission came I was glad to just be able to move. We went out into the hall and decided that champagne cocktails were in order. Charlie waited for our drinks while I went to the powder room. I fixed my makeup and went out to meet Charlie again. I had only taken a few steps when I saw Lyle walking over with a beautiful redhead. He was blocking my way so I had no other alternative than to acknowledge his presence.

"Hello Laura," he said first and extended his hand.

"Hi Lyle." I shook his hand.

"Are you alone?"

"No, I'm here with Charlie," I said.

"Oh, I'm sorry, where are my manners. Christabel Cannon, this is Laura Cole."

"Hello," said Christabel, looking at her fingernails, and then looking around the crowd.

"Christabel, Laura is Charlotte's new friend," said Lyle.

I had her attention now. "My condolences," she said with a grim look on her face.

"Christabel was Charlotte's friend once upon a time, that's why I named my boat after her," said Lyle.

"Well, I hope she treats you better than she treated me. At least I wasn't handed over to you dear, like all the others," she said looking at Lyle.

I was lost. "What are you talking about?" I didn't understand at all.

"Christabel was Charlotte's lover for about six months before Charlotte and Karl took that fateful cruise," replied Lyle.

All of a sudden I felt sick. "I don't understand," was all I could say.

"What is there to understand? The bitch dumped me. She had set her sights on some woman in advertising. That's why she went on that ill-fated voyage of hers. She probably doesn't know how lucky she and her husband were," she finished saying.

Lyle was smiling. I felt like the room was turning and I couldn't move. It was too much of a coincidence. It must be a lie. No, she couldn't be talking about Mark and me. It had to be impossible.

"And who comforted you when you were lonely?" Lyle was saying with sarcasm.

"Please, I knew about the game you two played. I wasn't going to fall for that one," she said. She was looking at me now. "They would set up some poor woman and when Charlotte got tired and dumped her Lyle, charming Lyle, would ride in and comfort her." She was laughing now.

"What woman in advertising?" I asked.

"Oh I don't know. I guess that didn't work out." She turned to Lyle. "Let's get some champagne shall we?"

I pressed on. "You're lying!" I said to her. "You're lying. Charlie has never been with another woman."

She looked me straight in the eye. "Why would I lie? You can ask anyone, it's not a secret. Charlotte has been with a lot of women and men for that matter."

All I could do was stare in shock. I looked past them and I saw Charlie's face. She was walking over and stopped for a second when she realized that I was with Lyle and Christabel Cannon and her smile disappeared. She started walking towards us very quickly then. When she reached us, she was only looking at me. I just stared at her. "What's wrong?" She asked.

"Aren't you even going to say hello to me Charlotte?" asked Christabel.

Charlie ignored the question. "What did they say to you?" she asked me. Still, I was unable to speak.

"You bitch, you can at least acknowledge me, after all the times you fucked me!" Exclaimed Christabel.

My eyes closed in pain and when I opened them, I saw the real Charlotte Catherine Von Steiben.

"Shut up!" She yelled at Christabel.

Lyle grabbed Christabel by the arm. "Let's go. Laura and CHARLIE have a lot to talk about," he said.

Charlie handed them the drinks, not even looking at them and they walked away. We just stood there in silence. My eyes filled with unshed tears. The bell rang. Intermission was over. Everyone was to go back to their seats. Her hand reached out and she took a step towards me, but stopped when I stepped back. "Let me talk to you please?" She asked softly.

I could see the fear in her eyes. At that moment, I realized that it was all true. All those things that Lyle and that woman had said were true. I shook my head and closed my eyes wanting to shut out the truth I knew I had heard. I ran into the crowd and away from her. I got into a cab. I heard her call my name as it pulled away.

Six hours later, in the middle of the night, I was knocking on my mother's door. Mom opened the door half-asleep and was surprised to see me standing there, in long evening dress no less. She opened the door wider and I walked in. She didn't ask any questions and I gave no explanations. She could see that I was very distraught and just took me to one of the bedrooms upstairs, got me some pajamas and, like when I was a little girl, tucked me into bed. She sat at the edge of the bed and patted my hand. As she was going to get up, I reached out for her. She looked at me and I went into her arms and began sobbing. The tears just seemed to come and there was no way to stop them. She held me tightly and rocked me like when I had been a child. I couldn't let go so like when I was little and frightened, mom slept with me and kept me safe through the night.

When I woke up the next morning she was already downstairs making breakfast. In a chair next to the bed was a pair of slacks and a blouse along with some sandals. I got dressed and went downstairs. "Here, sit here and have some breakfast and then you can go for a walk on the beach. Your father always felt better after taking a walk on the beach." She was rambling. I knew she didn't want to know why I was there. She had probably guessed I had had a fight with Charlie or something like that. So like when daddy was alive, mom and I played the same game. She would make believe that nothing was wrong and hope that things would work themselves out. So many years I had resented her for this attitude and that morning seating there, having my breakfast I realized we were the same. I was the same.

I finished my breakfast and went for a walk. It was really lovely here. So peaceful; a view of how the world must have been like. All the architecture was Victorian. Pretty houses and pretty flowers, all remnants of a once beautiful era being carefully preserved. It was somehow comforting looking at these houses from long ago.

Mother had called Mark before I had gotten up. He was going to bring the children down for the weekend. I had such an ache in my chest. It hurt so much. All I could think of was that she had lied to me. She had used me. I loved her and she had used me. I had let her. My God, even after what she did to me that time in the house at the Hamptons. Just the thought of that day made me wince with the memory of the pain. Even after all that, I had stayed with her. I forgave her. I forgave her and I had still loved her. All the times we were together she must have been laughing at me. It had all been a lie. I trusted her. I had believed that she loved me. All those times on the island…all those times in Greece that she had made love to me. It was all a lie. She had used me. I meant nothing to her. I had been one in a string of some sort of sick games she played. I sat down on the sand and hid my face. I couldn't make it stop hurting. Oh God, when would it stop hurting?

A few hours later I was walking back home on the beach when, at a distance, I saw the kids running towards me and Mark walking behind them. Oh God, it was wonderful to see them. I stretched out my arms and they were filled with them. I got hugs and kisses and when I opened my eyes I saw Mark smiling down at me. He put his hand out and I took it and we walked back together with the kids running around in front of us being chased by Binky. We must have made a pretty picture to someone looking on. A man and a woman holding hands walking on the beach with two children and a puppy playing in front of them. This picture was not lost on me.

Mother lived on one of the privately owned houses across the street from the beach. When we got to the house lunch was already set. We all sat down and had burgers and fries. The kids started talking about their new pet turtles that daddy had brought home and what they ate.

Josh was the one that asked for her. "Where's Charlie? Is she coming later?" He asked, looking at me.

Mom answered. "She had to stay in New York."

"That's too bad, she's great fun," said Ashley.

Mark suggested that we rent one of those surreys and ride around Cape May. The kids wanted to try it and I wanted to too. We had played happy family the whole day and it felt good. This I understood. I knew what to expect. So, when Mark asked me out to dinner, I accepted. Mother thought it was wonderful and she would take care of the children. "We'll rent some videos, you two go and have a good time," she said.

We went to a wonderful little restaurant in the middle of Cape May called The Rose Garden. It was small and cozy and it derived its character from a huge fireplace and hanging copper pots. We were fortunate enough to have gotten a table out under the terrace. It was a warm night but you could feel a light breeze and the candlelight on the pristinely white tablecloths gave it a veiled atmosphere.

We talked and laughed. It was pleasant to see myself with Mark in the reflection of a glass. I knew him. I could trust him. I might even be able to salvage my life with him. After all, we had been happy once. He loved me and he wanted me back. He reached out and held my hand. "I can't tell you how much I love you," he said.

"Mark…" I began to say but he interrupted.

"We'll go slow, okay? No pressure, just a moment at a time." He picked up my hand and brought it up to his lips. "I'll get you back no matter how long it takes."

"Mark, I wish it were that simple," I said.

"It is," he responded. "We'll be happy again." He was looking down at my hands. "That ring, who gave it to you?" He asked looking seriously at me.

"Charlie, it was Charlie." I looked down at it and turned it and turned it around my finger.

"Oh, for a minute I thought I might have a rival," he finished saying with a smile.

"No, no rivals, I'm quite alone," I answered with a bittersweet quality in my voice that he probably mistook for a longing of our past life.

"We'll be happy again Laura, and I'll make you forget all this," he said as he leaned over and kissed me lightly. We decided to take a walk after dinner.

It was a beautiful night. On the corner a few blocks away were horse drawn carriages that Cape May is well known for. Mark grabbed my hand and said, "Let's go, come on." I smiled back and we hopped on.

It was a slow ride through the entire town. It was a warm night and everything was alive, you could even smell the flowers. At a distance you could hear the ocean.

Mark put his arms around me and they felt strong. I just leaned into his chest and felt safe. The carriage left us on the beach and we walked slowly, hand in hand without saying a word. The sound of the ocean was soft and when Mark pulled me into his arms I didn't fight him. His kisses were as they had always been, warm and sensual. And when he pressed me harder against him I didn't pull away. We walked back to the house holding each other. When we got there, everyone was asleep. As we were going up the stairs quietly he held me in place and started kissing me again.

I remembered how he would hold me when he wanted me. We started going up the stairs again and when we got to the door of my room he took me in his arms once more. I felt the door open behind me. He picked me up and closed the door behind us. He put me down on the bed. I tried to speak but his kisses silenced my protest. He was caressing my body and I realized that I wanted him too.

He started unbuttoning my blouse slowly while teasing my mouth with his tongue. When he removed it he stepped back and just looked at me before his hands went and cupped by breasts. Within a second he was above me on the bed. I felt the weight of his body on me. He sat up above me and quickly removed his shirt. And again I felt him but this time his flesh was touching mine. His mouth went down and started nibbling at my breast while his hands were removing the buttons of my slacks. His kisses were trailing down my stomach as he was pulling off the remainder of my clothes. He stood in front of me and removed his trousers. I felt his warm body on mine and it responded. He took his time to satisfy me. Slowly his hands caressed me and his mouth would tease me. He would tease one nipple with his hand and suck at the other. My flesh cried out for him to take me.

"Mark, please!" I exclaimed. I couldn't wait any longer. I wanted him. His mouth took my lips and I felt my legs open wider to welcome him inside me. "Mark, please, now!" I could no longer stand the wanting. At that moment I felt the thrust. It took me a little by surprise. It had been so long.

"It's okay honey, you'll get used to it again. Oh God, it's like when you were a virgin." I could feel his passion with every thrust of his body into mine. My body rose up to meet his. I had missed him. My body responded with the memory of him. And at that moment, I remembered another time. The time that Charlie had hurt me and the difference.

He slowed down and kept the rhythm slow and even. He wanted to wait until I would shake with pleasure as I used to. And when I started to groan as I was climbing into orgasm his body responded in incredible thrusting motions and pleasure sated us both. He laid on me holding me tight. We were both drenched in perspiration. He sat up and pulled me up to him. "I love you," he whispered in my ear and then he started once again to kiss me. The kisses led us again into the throws of passion. After making love to me again, I laid in his arms for the rest of the night.

*********

The light of day brought the realization of the night before. I woke up in bed with Mark. I got up gradually so as not to wake him. My body felt lethargic. I had a sense of satisfaction and ease that I had not felt for a long time. I looked back at him sleeping soundly in bed and I smiled to myself. I went straight to the shower. When I finished my toilette Mark was still fast asleep so I went down to the kitchen. Mom was already up. She looked at me and smiled. "Did you have a nice evening?"

"We had a nice dinner," I said, and as I sat down she handed me a cup of coffee.

"You and Mark," she said.

I looked up at her. "There's no me and Mark, yet," I said to her and started drinking my coffee.

"There's no rush. You can stay here and take your time."

"I don't want to hurt anyone mother. I want to make sure I know what I'm doing. I don't want to hurt anymore," I said to her softly.

She stood next to me and caressed my head. "You take all the time you need dear, no one is going to rush you," she finished saying and went to the stove to start breakfast. Mother always knew when to pull back. She knew that Mark and I had slept together and she was betting on that. She played it safe and would let time work its magic.

Within the next half-hour, the kids came down for breakfast followed by Mark. When he saw me he walked over and kissed me good morning an action not lost on my mother who smiled back at me and turned away.

We decided to spend the day at the beach with the children. So we headed down toward the beach with a lunch basket, an umbrella and beach toys. As soon as we settled down the kids ran into the water and we sat down to watch on. "Come back home with me Laura," he asked softly.

"I can't, not yet." I said to him. I looked at him and hoped he would realize that I needed time to think things through. "I need to be sure. It's been so long. We're not the same people anymore."

"No, we're not," he agreed.

"I just want to know that I'm making the right decision. I want to be sure that we can live together again. It's not just you and me Mark, I don't want to hurt the children."

He looked towards were the children were playing. "Yes, you're right. The last thing I want is for them to suffer like when they thought you dead." He looked at me. "I'll wait. Try not to take too long. It's a miracle we got another chance, don't blame me if I want to start as soon as possible."

"No, oh no…I understand. I want to be sure that when we are together again that it will be forever." He didn't pressure me anymore. He was considerate and loving. He would be supportive as he had always been and I would always know where I stood with him.

We spent a wonderful day at the beach with the kids. They left a little after seven that evening. The children had day camp that they were looking forward to. As they drove away, for a moment I wished I had gone with them. Later that night mother and I went for a walk. Cape May is really a pretty place to live.

The next morning, I found myself feeling depressed. I no longer had the children to fill my time or Mark to make me forget. Mother, I couldn't talk to. I went to the window and it was cloudy. A storm was coming; you could feel it in the weight of the air.

I went down for breakfast. As usual my mother was already up. She bade me to sit and handed me a cup of coffee. "What would you like?" she asked.

"I'm not really hungry mom," I said to her.

"You're still too thin. I'll make you some eggs," she said as she went to the refrigerator and started to take things out.

"Mom, really I'm not hungry. I don't eat much for breakfast anymore."

"That was then this is now." She started cooking, ignoring me altogether.

"Why do you always do that!" I exclaimed. "Why don't you listen? I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry mom." I started to sob. She just stood there staring at me, not moving. "I'm hurt mom. I can't get passed this. I love her!" I said sobbing.

"Don't say that, I don't want to hear that!" She turned around and started making the eggs. I cleaned my face and didn't say another word. She put the eggs in front of me and I ate them.

I felt weary, and so I went to the ocean and started walking along the shore. I could close my eyes and feel myself one with the air and the rush of the water. I remembered the white sand and the light blue water and I remembered her. The woman I had loved with every part of me on that island. She had become such a part of me that I could not imagine my life without her. I had wanted her.

It had all been a lie. She had never loved me. She had used me. Dear God, that first time…that first time that we made love I felt such guilt. I dropped to the sand and covered my face. The tears just came. I loved her. Oh God, how I loved her. Before she had hurt me, when she was just my Charlie. When I had wanted to love her and protect her. I had wanted to erase all the pain in her life and fill it with tenderness. And it had all been a game. She had set me up and had used me like an object.

And Mark…how could I have just stopped loving him? He was the one that really loved me. He never stopped showing it, even now with his patience and thoughtfulness. How could I just not have thought of my love for him? I had betrayed him. Every moment I succumbed to her enticement, I had betrayed him.

I sat there looking out at the ocean for a long time. I felt no hunger, no desire. All I felt was this emptiness in the middle of my chest. This pain that would not go away. So I sat there, listening. Listening to the calming sounds of the sea. And when it started getting dark I started walking back.

I walked into the kitchen and I could tell that mother was concerned but she said nothing. I sat down on a chair and laid my head back closing my eyes. I felt tired. I must have dozed off. I saw myself running and someone was chasing me. I was afraid. I could feel the fear rising up within me. The person chasing me was getting closer and I was getting tired until I tripped and fell. I saw a knife and I felt it going through me. And as I screamed, the sound woke me with a start. Mother had put a blanket over me.

She walked into the room and called me to the kitchen for dinner. "I heard you," she said not looking at me.

"What mom?"

"You were dreaming of her," she said to me.

"What? No, mom, I was having a nightmare." I told her.

"You cried out 'don't, don't Charlie'." She was now looking directly at me.

"I…" and I started to try to remember the dream and at the end I realized it had been her. She was the one who had killed me. "No, you must have been mistaken," I said and started to eat.

"You know right from wrong, Laura," she said softly. "

It's never been that simple mom," I answered. And I started to drink my soup. I felt empty inside but it wasn't from lack of nourishment.

"Mark can help you to be who you were," she persisted.

"I will never be who I was, don't you know that mom?" I put down the spoon. I couldn't eat. "I will never be that woman. Never again. I don't know where the woman I was is. Nothing will ever be the same. I don't want to hurt Mark." I got up and went upstairs. I crawled into bed and went to sleep. Again I dreamt the same dream. And I woke up in a cold sweat. I was cold. I was alone. Sleeping alone with no one to hold me. Perhaps I should go back to Mark. After all, he did love me. I had made him happy before and the children would have both their parents.

I took a deep breath and just laid back looking at the ceiling. In the dark I could hear the sound of the ocean. I could close my eyes and hear the water rushing to shore. I could see how the moon would make the surf sparkle when it hit the reefs in the island. I remembered how beautiful it had been and as I walked I could see two figures at the edge of shore, intertwined. I kept walking towards them and as I got closer I could make out the faces. They were Charlie's and mine. My eyes flew open. I got up and decided to go and wait for the sunrise on the beach.

Chapter 13

Two weeks later all was still the same. Mark had called every day. The children kept telling me all the things they were doing at camp. I wish they had stayed with me. With them here I wouldn't have time to think or feel this pain that would not let me be.

Mark had been incredibly busy but he promised to come the following weekend. He wanted to talk and all I wanted was silence. I had walked into something I couldn't handle or didn't feel I could handle again.

One day seemed to drift into another. They were all the same to me. I would catch my mother staring at me. I could see the concern in her eyes but I never heard her utter a word or ask me another question. I had no one to tell. No one to voice my pain to. We lived like two strangers in a house that we tried to get lost in. We'd go out of our way not to meet so as to avoid the awkwardness. I had taken to spending more time at the beach. I would just go and look out into the ocean. It was the only place that I could allow myself to feel my pain. There was no one but me and the sound of the sea. I was loosing weight yet I felt no hunger. At some point I would tell myself that mother would be worried so I started walking back to the house. After dinner I would come back again.

One day, I walked into the house and sat down to dinner and she said, "I made you a nice shepherd's pie."

"That's fine mom" I answered. She put the food on the table and sat down to eat with me. I ate a few spoonfuls but I couldn't make myself eat anymore.

"She has called everyday," she said suddenly.

My head went up. I just stared at her. I was looking into her eyes. She saw the pain in mine and looked away. "It doesn't matter anymore mother," I told her and ate a little more of her pie. I got up and was going out again.

"Wait, take a shawl, it's suppose to get cool later." She placed the shawl around my shoulders. She just kept looking at the shawl then she looked up into my eyes but said nothing. She kissed me on the cheek and walked back to the kitchen.

As I saw her walk away I felt the loneliness in me grow. Why couldn't you just have held me, mom? Why couldn't we talk? I went for my walk.

The part of the beach that I would go to was always empty. I would sit and see the sun disappear into the ocean. If you looked real carefully you could feel the sizzle when the sun would meet the ocean.

I was lost but I didn't need to be. I could go back to Mark, my old life and try to forget these past few years. I could close my eyes and make all the pain and her betrayal disappear. I would wake up and realize that it had all been a bad dream. I closed my eyes and wished that it were so. And as I tried to become one with the sound of the sea I heard her voice call my name.

"Laura," I heard it softly. I would will her away and put her memory where it could never hurt me again.

"Laura." I heard again. And when I turned around I was not surprised to see her standing a few feet away from me. I looked out at the ocean again. "Let me talk to you," her voice pleaded softly. "I need to talk to you, to explain."

"I don't want to talk to you." I started to walk away.

"WAIT! Please wait!" She yelled in desperation.

I turned to look at her. I just stared. She spoke again. "I love you," she whispered.

"Oh please. Just stop it, stop it!" I yelled at her. "I don't want to play this sick game of yours anymore!" I screamed at her. "I hate you! I hate you!"

She just stood there staring. So I continued to yell. "You used me! You set me up and you lied to me! You made me think that I was the one who had seduced you! You knew I felt guilty and you used that against me! That's not love!" I finished and just stood there, staring back at her. "I don't know what hole you crawled out of, but I've had enough! You made me love you and then you stuck a knife inside me and turned it." I had run out of words, so I started walking away from her again.

"I love you," she said again.

I turned to look at her.

She began to speak now, slowly, staring at sea. "I lied to you. I was the one who seduced you. I set you up, that's true too. I had seen you at a business cocktail party and I went after you. I didn't care what I had to do. I had done it a million times before. When you went on the cruise, I went with Karl. I told Karl that night that he had been replaced. I lashed out and he was the closest one. You had been with Mark all those days in the cabin, so I retaliated. I got rid of Karl and then Mark to be with you."

As she continued and I stared at her in horror. "Getting marooned was a lucky break. I had you all to myself. I never counted on falling in love. It drove me crazy. When we got off the island I lived in terror that you would find out about all the lies. Every day I tried to control everything around you so you wouldn't even suspect the truth. I had planned everything. I had planned out everything in my life, but I had never planned to fall in love with you." Now she was looking at me.

"I don't believe a word you're saying," I told her.

"Why? Why can't you believe that I love you?"

"Because all I've ever heard from you are lies."

"The truth was ugly. I was afraid you would leave me," she said to me.

"Many times I asked you to trust me. I told you I could forgive you anything. I thought our relationship was based on trust. YOU BETRAYED ME!" I yelled in the end.

She fell to the sand. "I didn't think you would love me if you knew all the ugliness of my past, of my life before I met you."

"Now we'll never know," I said to her.

"So you're going to leave me?" She asked still. I said nothing. She looked tired. "I knew you would leave me. Everyone leaves me." She continued to talk as if talking to herself and not to me. "She left me too. She would punish me and hit me with daddy's belt. She once hurt me so much that I had to go to hospital. No one ever questioned it. My parents were too wealthy. Dr. Schaefer took care of it. He always took care of it. It was my fault anyway, she said that daddy didn't love her as much as me. She would give her roses more love than she ever gave me. That day, in the garden, they started fighting because of me. Daddy had seen the bruises on my back, then she said all those terrible things." She kept talking and all I could do was just look at her is surprise.

"It was my fault that she left, I was bad. She said I was bad. He loved her. He loved her even after he knew all the terrible things she did to me. And after he found out I wasn't his daughter he didn't want to see me anymore.

"I remember the day it happened. I was playing outside in the garden, and he called me. He called me and I ran inside to him. I went into his study and he was standing near his desk. He stood there and put the gun to his forehead, and before he pulled the trigger, he said that I was not his, that I was her bastard. I still remember the smell of gunpowder and the blood all over my clothes. That's how Dr. Schaefer found me in the study with daddy. There was blood all over. I kept washing my hands but even now they still feel dirty with his blood." As she finished she was looking at her hands.

I didn't know what to say to her. I stood there and she was staring out at the ocean now. She finally looked at me in a dazed way and said, "I can't go back to living the way I used to. I can't bear the thought of not having you. You're the only person that has loved me and all I did was hurt you. OH GOD! All I did was hurt you! I love you! All I want to do is love you but I don't know how." Looking down at her hands, she spoke now very softly. "I hurt you. You loved me, and I hurt you. I know you'll never come back now. I know. I also know I can't…I can't live without you, I won't."

I saw her reach for something inside her wrap. It was a razor blade. I stared in horror as she slashed her wrist and started to bleed. As she was going to slash the other one, I rushed over to her and started trying to take the razor from her. I finally took it away but she was already bleeding to death.

"Oh my God, oh my God!" I said over and over. I was holding her wrist trying to put pressure of her wound. I started pulling her towards the street. She was crying and kept saying that she wanted to die.

When we reached the street I pulled a car over. And when the man saw what was happening he drove us to the emergency room. I sat with her in the back seat of that car.

"I want to die," she kept mumbling.

"No," I told her over and over. "No." And I meant it. I didn't want her to die. She had hurt me, hurt me so much, but I could not bear the thought of her death.

She lost consciousness and I began to be afraid. Oh God, she could die. We reached the hospital within minutes. She was taken on a stretcher. They kept running all over. I just stood there feeling helpless. All I could do was stand there and look at her as the life was oozing out of her.

I was walked out and asked to wait outside. I protested. I wanted to be there with her. But, they said I would be in the way. So I went to the waiting room. I sat there, looking at the floor, for what seemed like a lifetime. I started crying and didn't stop, until I couldn't cry anymore.

How had my life led me to this moment? But, it wasn't that simple. The only person to blame for my plight was Charlie. She had put us both here. If I had never met her, I would be happily married to Mark, living with my children far away from all this pain and uncertainty. What could I do now? I couldn't leave her. What about Mark? God, what could I do?

I looked up when a nurse stood in front of me, expecting her tell me that she had died. Instead, she was led me to one of the curtained off rooms in the emergency room.

"She's very weak. You shouldn't be here, but she won't calm down. She keeps asking for you and the doctor thought it best to bring you in," she said.

I walked in and immediately saw her on the hospital bed. Her eyes were closed and she was so pale. She looked small and defenseless and God, so white. I walked slowly to her. My hand brushed her cheek and her eyes flew open. She was going to speak but I placed my finger on her lips. No words were necessary. Her eyes were pleading. My hand reached for hers and I caressed her forehead. She just stared at me and the tears rolled down my face again.

"Don't leave me," she sobbed.

"No, shhhh," I said to her. My lips lightly touched hers. "No, I won't." Her hand hung on to mine. "Rest now. The doctor wants you to rest," I insisted.

"I'm afraid to close my eyes. Suppose I wake up and you're gone?" She started to get agitated again.

I squeezed her hand and put my face very close to hers. "I'm here, I'm here," I whispered.

"Will you stay?"

"Yes."

Her eyes filled with tears again. "I'm sorry," she sobbed.

The nurse interrupted us. "You have to go out Miss. I'm sorry but she needs rest."

"No, I want her here," Charlie protested.

The nurse wouldn't take no for an answer. "She can come in a little later, but right now you need to let that sedative take effect."

Charlie was about to argue again when I spoke, "I'm going to be right outside. You have to rest. I'll be outside, I promise," I said to her lovingly.

"You won't leave?"

"No." I kissed her lovingly on the mouth. She smiled and I followed the nurse out, going back to the waiting room. I finally noticed that I was all covered in blood. I went to the rest room and started washing some of it off.

I kept scrubbing and scrubbing my hands until I started backing away from the sink and felt the wall on my back. I felt overwhelmed with emotion and started sobbing uncontrollably as I slid down the wall onto the floor. After awhile I got myself together and went out to wait for news of Charlie.

Two hours later and there was still no news so I went looking for the nurse. "Nurse? Please, is there any news? Is she going to be all right?"

"The slash on her wrist was deep. They've ordered a portable x-ray to see if there's any damage to the tendons. She's lost a lot of blood, but she's resting peacefully now," she told me.

I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and my eyes closed as I ran my fingers through my hair.

"Are you all right? Go home and we'll call--"

I didn't let her finish. "No, I'll wait. I promised I would be here."

"The business office needs some information. Can you furnish them with what they need?" She asked.

"Yes, of course."

After going to the business office I walked back and waited for news. I needed clothes, which meant I would have to call mother. I could tell she was worried as soon as she answered the phone. Her voice was stressed. I told her I was all right but that there had been an accident and I needed her to bring me some clothes.

She walked in through the emergency room door about twenty minutes later. As soon as she saw me she froze on the spot. I was still covered in blood. I walked over to her and reassured her that it was not my blood. I took the clothes and went to the bathroom to change as she waited for me in the waiting room. A few minutes later I joined her.

"What happened Laura? Who's blood was it all over you?" She asked.

I looked her in the eyes and said "Charlie's."

She stared at me. "What happened?"

"She tried to kill herself," I said and walked to the window. I didn't want to see the expressions on her face.

When she spoke to me she sounded very calm. "You were covered in her blood. Did she try to hurt you?"

I turned to face her. "No, no" I answered quickly.

"Don't let this change your mind, Laura," she stated flatly. I knew what she meant. "You are doing what's right now. You belong with Mark. This other thing with you and her is a sin. You know that."

I turned my back to her again. She stood up and went to stand next to me. "Laura? Did you hear me? No more. Come home with me now Laura. Right now, let's go!" She said and she grabbed my arm.

"I can't mother, I can't leave." I looked out the window. She just stood there next to me. "I can't leave her like this."

"Don't you understand that this can't ever be? It's unnatural. You have to let go of this obsession. You're going to lose your children!" She knew exactly what to say. I felt a flinch of pain and it showed. Her point had hit home. "Come with me Laura. Nothing good can come of this. Let's walk away from this. What you two were doing was wrong, nothing can make it right, you know that."

As I was about to answer the nurse came. "Ms Cole, she's awake and asking to see you," said the nurse. Mother put an arm out to stop me. I looked at her and at the nurse. Then I went to Charlie.

She was awake when I walked in. "Hi," I said as I walked towards her. I took her hand and kissed her lightly on the lips. She smiled. She was still very pale.

"I wanted to see--" she started to say.

"Shhhhh, rest."

"Your clothes?" She asked, noticing that I had changed them.

"My mother, she brought them," I answered simply.

Her eyes searched mine. "Will you stay?"

"Yes."

The nurse walked in. "All right, Ms Von Steiben, as you can see, she's here. Now you must get some rest." That was my cue to go out.

"You'll be close by?" She asked anxiously

"Yes." I repeated.

"Kiss, me," she said. And I did.

The nurse escorted me out. By now she must know what my relationship with Charlie was but she didn't let on. When I got back to the waiting room mother had gone. I tried calling the house but there was no answer. I tried a few minutes later and she picked up.

"Mom," I said into the receiver.

"I can't help you with this Laura. You know how I feel. I just hope you come to your senses before you loose everything. I won't accept this between you. If you go back to her you'll be alone." She finished and hung up.

I placed the receiver back and sat down to wait. I must have been back in the waiting room no less then half an hour when I saw Dr. Schaefer barge in. He saw me immediately, and walked towards me.

"Where is she?" He asked anxiously.

I pointed to the door and he rushed over to her. I sat down again. I prayed, surely my mother was wrong. Would God really abandon me now? If I asked him to help her, he would. Had he stopped listening? I felt like I would go mad.

"Would you like some coffee?" I heard a gentle voice ask. I looked up and saw that it was the nurse. "I'm Anne. You've been here for hours now, why don't you go get some rest?"

"No, I can't. I said I would be close by."

"Would you like to talk to a counselor?" I looked up at this.

"I'm her doctor," said Dr. Schaefer, standing behind her. "Thank you nurse, I'll take care of this."

She got up and walked away and he sat next to me. "Charlotte told me everything," he stated and I looked away. "Will you really stay? I need to know. She tried this with sleeping pills last week."

I stared at him in disbelief. "Are you saying…she tried to kill herself before today?" I asked in horror.

"Last week she took a bottle of sleeping pills. If Roxanne hadn't gone in to check on her she would have gotten her wish," he answered, running his fingers through his hair.

"Oh, dear God."

He was very distraught. "I thought that she was going to die. She almost did. I don't know what I would have done," he was rambling. "She was always so head strong, just like her mother. When Stuart died I should have done something. I should have done something."

I just listened. "I should have taken her then. God knows her mother had no great love for her. After she left, Stuart just ignored her. I was her father. I should have done something." As he finished, I could only stare and listen. Dr. Schaefer was Charlie's father!

"Does she know?" I asked.

"Yes, she knows. She wants nothing to do with me. Only calls when she gets into some kind of trouble that I can get her out of. She knows I'll come. Always she pushes the bounds of excess to the limit. My daughter was on a destruction course before you. I sometimes thought that she wanted to destroy herself to punish me.

"I had never seen her express love for anyone until I saw her with you that day in that island infirmary. Charlotte has never shown affection to anyone, not since that day I found her in a pool of blood next to Stuart. Life just seemed a game to her, she took what she wanted regardless of the consequences or who it would hurt. Something was different with you. I believe she genuinely loves you as much as she is capable of…an emotion totally alien to her. And when you left, she just believed it was better to die.

"Life was always a game to her, but last week I could tell it was different. She wanted to die. I thought I would lose her. Then she opened her eyes and started crying. Like a child she clung to me. Never has she ever shown me anything but disdain. I had failed her when she was a child, but last week my daughter needed me and she clung to me for support. That's when she told me all that had happened between you two." He was now looking at me. "She cried and cried and nothing would console her.

"Laura, I know I have no right to ask. I know I probably shouldn't ask. She told me all about what she's done to you; the lies, the deceit, including what happened at the Hamptons." As he said this, I looked away. "But, Laura, she's my daughter. I'm afraid of what she'll do. Will you go back to New York with her?" As he asked he put his hand in mine and I put mine on top of his. I looked up into his anxious face.

"Yes," I told him as tears rolled down my face. We sat there together Charlie's father and I. We were both tied to her, he by blood and I by an invisible string.

He went back to Charlie and I sat and waited. During the night she was moved to a private room. As Charlie would say Dr. Schaefer did his part. She was admitted under the diagnosis of "accidental laceration of the left metacarpal." My life had become intertwined with hers again.

I had been in the hospital for over twenty-four hours and I looked tired. I walked into Charlie's room and was glad to see that she was beginning to regain her coloring. "Finally, that nurse is a tyrant, she wouldn't let me see you. Are you all right?" She looked a little concerned as she asked.

"Of course she's not all right," answered Dr. Schaefer. She looked at him in surprise as he continued. "She's hardly slept in these past two days and I'm sure she's barely eaten anything."

"I'm fine," I interrupted.

"No, you're not!" He persisted.

She was looking at me now. "You've had a hard time haven't you?" She asked.

I looked into her eyes and she saw the pain in them. She put her hand out to me and I took it as I sat next to her on the bed.

"She should get some sleep," Dr. Schaefer said gently, placing his hand on my shoulder, a detail not missed by Charlie.

"Charles, I need to speak with Laura," she said and he left the room. "What's happened? It's your mother isn't it?" She asked softly.

"No, it's fine," I said to her.

"Sure it is. She wants nothing to do with you right?" She knew the answer, I didn't have to say a word. "I'm checking out of here and we can go back home."

"You can't do that! You have to stay in the hospital as long as they say!" I protested.

"Watch me." She started trying to get up.

"Don't do this to me, Charlie, I can't take anymore!" I started sobbing. "I can't handle anymore, please stop, just stop!

" Dr. Schaefer must have heard because he walked in. I couldn't stop sobbing and he walked over to me. He took me into his arms and told Charlie to stay in bed. "It's all right Laura, you can let it out." He said as my body started shaking. "I'll give you something to calm your nerves." He began stroking my hair. "It's the strain dear, just calm down." He helped me to sit down.

For some reason I didn't want to look in Charlie's direction. I knew she was staring. He gave me a tablet and a glass of water. I took it.

"What did you give her?" asked Charlie.

"Something to calm her nerves. She could do with some sleep, and by the looks of things she's lost a lot of weight since the last time I saw her." He spoke to her as if I weren't there.

My head fell back on the chair and I felt myself drifting off to sleep. "Let up Charlotte. Think of her, or she's going to be here in the hospital with you too." He told her and I heard nothing else after that.

Chapter 14

I was warm and weightless but I felt safe and loved. I could feel arms around me. My body responded and sought lips that I knew would fill me with warmth and tenderness. And in the darkness I found peace and lips to kiss. My eyes opened and the face I saw through veils of darkness became clear. A deep smile greeted me. It was finally clear. It was Mark.

And with that realization my eyes flew open. I looked around and I could see the light of a sunrise drifting through the blinds. I looked around me realizing that I was in Charlie's hospital room.

It felt like I was coming out of a daze as everything came back slowly. I could see Charlie on the phone and gradually the cobwebs started to clear and I could hear her voice. I had a cover on me; I must have fallen asleep on the chair.

Suddenly, Charlie became aware that I was awake, gave me a smile and got off the phone. "Do you feel better?" she asked from her bed.

"I feel a little groggy but yes, I feel better I guess." I answered.

"I promise to behave, okay?" She said, searching my face for what she may find. I shook my head. "You were dreaming. I remember back on the island when you would dream and start talking in your sleep."

"I never knew I spoke in my sleep. Did I say anything?" I asked her, anticipating the response.

She looked at me for a moment before answering. "No," she finally said and smiled.

"How long have I been asleep?" I asked as I started to get up from the chair to stretch my legs.

"For about nine hours." She put her hand out to me.

I reached for hers and walked over to her. "I can't believe I slept that long!" I said in surprise.

"Charles was right, you have lost weight. I'm sorry. I'm to blame for your being so unhappy." Her voice was filled with sadness.

"It doesn't matter, that was then and this is now. Let's try not to hurt each other anymore okay?" I asked her and I meant it. "I'm willing to try Charlie, are you?"

She was looking deeply into my eyes and I thought I could also see into hers. Then she spoke. "Yes, I want to. Nothing will come between us again. I won't let it," she said and I knew she meant every word.

I called Mark and canceled my weekend plans. I said to him that Charlie had an accident and she needed me. He was disappointed and wanted to know when he could see me again. We had to talk, he insisted and we had a lifetime to plan. Ultimately, he understood of course, and hoped that we would see each other as soon as I got back to New York.

Two days later we were back in New York. Charles had returned with us. He insisted, saying that he wanted to make sure Charlie would settle in properly. Things between them were civil at best. Charlie would go out of her way to ignore him and when she didn't she was incredibly cruel in the things she would say to him. Things had gone from bad to worse between them. It made no sense to me. I thought that after what Charles had told me in the hospital about what had happened between them, Charlie would be closer to him. But it was the opposite. She seemed to resent his attention.

And the afternoon of our arrival it was an all out war. "LET GO!" She yelled, pulling her arm away.

"Charlotte, I'm only trying to help," he said to her.

"I don't need your help! I don't need you!" She was fuming. They both stood their ground and I was merely a spectator.

Finally, Charlie spoke first "GET OUT! I don't need you anymore! GO!" She yelled at the top of her lungs. He just stood there staring at her, and then he turned and started going towards the elevator.

"Charles, wait! Charlie stop this!" I spoke to both of them.

"Don't interfere in this Laura, you don't understand," she told me.

"Yes, yes I do," I said gently to her. I reached out for her arm and I could visibly see her body relax. I looked in to her eyes and said softly to her. "Peace, Charlie. Remember? No more pain. Let's try okay?"

She looked at me and said nothing but she didn't object either. She looked towards Charles and then started walking to the bedroom.

I turned to Charles. "Be patient, she'll come around."

He had been looking in her direction as she had walked away and now was looking at me. "Perhaps." He smiled briefly, touched my face and walked into the elevator. I went to look for her.

"Charlie…" I started to say when I saw her lean and hang on to the chair closest to her. She was pale. I rushed to her side. "Oh God, you've done too much. To bed with you." I helped her to lie down. She did not even attempt to protest. She closed her eyes and I became immediately concerned. "I'll go catch up with Charles," I said but as I was about to go she held on to me and her eyes flew open.

"NO! No, I just need to rest. Stay here with me. All I need is you." As she said this, her eyes filled with tears.

"Oh, Charlie, baby, don't cry. I'm here," I said gently as I stroked her cheek. She reached for me and pulled me down to her. My mouth felt her hunger. It was palatable. I could feel the passion growing inside her. And just as quickly she released me.

"Here, just lie here next to me. Hold me, just hold me." I laid with her until she fell asleep.

I went to the kitchen and found Roxanne. "Hello, Roxanne," I said.

"Oh, Miss Cole, it's so good to have you back."

"Roxanne, could you make something light for dinner? Miss Charlotte should be on a light diet for a few days," I said to her.

She looked down to the floor and when she looked up I could tell she was upset. "Oh Miss, I'm so glad you're back. It was terrible when you went away. She went crazy; smashing things, crying uncontrollably and then she would just stay in the dark and drink too much. That day I found her…Oh my God, I thought she was dead! She was all white and she wasn't moving." Roxanne took a deep breath and said, "She tried to kill herself again didn't she?"

My silence was reply enough. "Oh Miss, are you here to stay?"

"Yes, I am Roxanne" I felt a great weight on my shoulders. I had not realized how vulnerable Charlie was. She acted so in control all the time and yet it sounded like she had been falling apart.

I went back to check on her. She was asleep. She looked so beautiful and peaceful asleep. I walked over to her and lightly kissed her on the forehead, left the room and closed the door behind me. I went to the living room and stood near the window looking out onto the beauty of New York City at night.

I was back. I never thought I would be back. I had even taken a step towards a reconciliation with Mark. My life was more complicated now then before. Did I want to remember that night with Mark? I had welcomed his touch. I had wanted him. And with him I could have all that with Charlie would be impossible.

But as difficult as it would always be, I couldn't leave her. She needed me. I realized that I still loved her the moment I thought I might loose her forever. I could not imagine my life without Charlie in it. Somehow I would have to make Mark understand and to forgive me.

Suddenly, next to me I could see her reflection in the window. I turned to her. As I looked at her I felt such love and longing. I could feel a tear run down my cheek and I took her into my arms and held her tightly to me. "Don't ever scare me like that again," I said and I felt her arms go up and hang on to me. "I couldn't bear the thought of a world without you in it."

She wiped my tears away and kissed me. "I want to go home, Laura."

"Home?" I asked. I didn't understand.

"Home. To our home and to our rose garden," she clarified and I nodded my head.

"Yes, in a few days, when you're stronger, we'll go home and walk through our rose garden," I said gently and held her close to me.

***********

The Conclusion

The next morning, Mark called. He was anxious for us to talk. I agreed to meet him for lunch.

"I must go Charlie. I won't be long and then we can make plans to go home okay?" I said to her. She nodded her head but I knew she was upset. "Listen to me Charlie," I was unable to finish my sentence when she raised her hand and walked away. "Charlie!" I called out but she kept on walking.

Mark had been very insistent, I couldn't cancel and if I did he might show up here. If Charlie ever knew what had happened between us, I didn't know how she would react. One minute she acted like her old self and the next she was tearful and over emotional. I didn't know how else to handle this so I went out to meet him.

We met as usual downtown. I was a few minutes late due to traffic. As soon as I walked in I saw him. He walked up to me, kissed me fully in the mouth and walked me to our table.

"I've missed you," he said as soon as we sat. He reached out and was holding both my hands. "I want us to be together so much." As he finished saying this the waiter showed up to take our order. He released my hands and we proceeded to order lunch.

"You're only having salad and soup?" he asked.

"Yes, I'm not very hungry."

"Sweetheart, you're getting thin. Are you feeling okay?" he asked concerned.

"Yes, I'm fine it's just that I've had little appetite lately, what with Charlie and everything." I looked away from him.

"What's wrong with her?"

"She's been very ill and she needs me right now."

"I need you too!" he quickly replied and reached for my hands again. "I want us to be together Laura. We have a life to rebuild."

"Yes, but right now I need to be with Charlie."

"Is she more important than us?" He was clearly annoyed.

"Mark, please don't do this. Se became very close on the island. I'm the only person she has. I must be with her, I just can't leave her." I said to him. He just looked at me for a minute.

"I don't understand, but I have no choice I guess."

Lunch was a strain at best. But as we were saying good-bye outside the restaurant he pulled me into his arms and kissed me. "I won't be happy until your back with us at home, where you belong" he said and walked away. I started back to the Tower.

I got back to the apartment at about three o'clock in the afternoon. I was met by a concerned Roxanne. "What's wrong?" I asked immediately.

"She locked herself in and wouldn't answer, so I opened the door with my keys and I found her sitting in a corner. She was furious and threw me out."

I went up quickly to our bedroom. I walked in and I found her as Roxanne said, sitting in a corner with her knees up to her chest and her head on them. She looked up and I could see she had been crying. I ran over to her, fell on my knees, and took her in my arms. "Charlie, why? What's wrong honey? What's wrong?" I asked gently as I pressed her closer to me. She started sobbing and clung to me. "Oh baby, what's wrong?" I asked again and started stroking her hair. "I love you. Tell me please," I insisted.

"You don't need me like I need you," she whispered.

"That's not true, that's not true," I said softly into her ear. "Let's go Charlie. Why don't we go home today? It's so lovely there. The sea air will do you good and we can see our rose garden. Remember, we promised to love each other there forever and ever."

She looked up at me with tear filled eyes. "Yes, let's go. Let's go now," she said anxiously.

"I'll call Steven and have him make the arrangements with the airport. I'll start packing right now. And you, my love, are going back to bed," I said to her lovingly.

"No," she protested.

"Yes," I insisted and walked her back to bed. "Now you just lie down." As I was about to walk out she reached for my hand.

"Call him from here," she insisted.

I was about to say something then decided just to appease her. "Okay." I sat down next to her and started to call down to the garage. "Steven, this is Ms. Cole could you please come up here? I need you to make arrangements with the airport. Ms Von Steiben and I will be going to the Hamptons this evening." After I finished speaking to him I looked back at Charlie. "Now, I'm going to start packing and we'll be home by tonight." My hand stroked her hair. Tears started rolling down her face. "Sweetheart, should I call Charles? Perhaps he can help," I said gently.

"No!" She said flatly.

I laid down next to her and held her close to me. "Do you want to tell me why you're so upset?" I asked as I continued to stroke her hair.

"Nothing, I just felt lonely without you" she said barely audible. I held her closer to me and kissed her.

We arrived at the Hamptons by ten that night. Charlie looked tired but I felt that things would be better for her here. I took her upstairs and she fell asleep almost immediately. I called Charles and let him know that we were here now and that she had seemed depressed. He chastised me for moving her so soon. I told him that she wanted more than anything to be here so that perhaps she would be happier. He asked me to let him know how she was doing in a few days and if there were any problems to call him right away. Earlier that night I had called Josh and Ashley. They had been disappointed about the weekend but were worried about Charlie. I explained that she would get better and that soon we would start doing things together again. They asked me to give her a special hug and hoped to see her soon.

I woke up early the next morning and went down to pick some fresh roses to take up to her. When I walked in she was getting up. "Good morning," I said cheerfully and walked over to her. "These are for you." I handed her the roses.

She looked at me in surprise and smiled. "You're giving me flowers?"

"Why not? One should always give flowers to the one they love." I kissed her lightly on the lips.

"I've missed touching you," she said softly. Her eyes were looking intently into mine.

"So have I," I replied. "But, right now you need breakfast more than you need me."

She held me in place. "Never. I will never need anything more than you," she said seriously.

I looked at her lovingly. "I know, I know. Now come on down. I've ordered your favorite breakfast and I want to have it with you."

She smiled and we both walked downstairs to the verandah to have breakfast. She seemed to get stronger by the minute. She was happy here. We sat in the verandah most of the morning and walked in the sunshine through our rose garden.

After lunch I looked for Mike and found him pruning the roses. "Hello Mike," I said.

"Hello Miss Laura. Your rose garden, do you like it?"

"Oh Mike, it's the most beautiful rose garden I've ever seen."

He looked very proud of himself. "I want to show you the greenhouse Miss." He led me there.

"Oh Mike, it's unbelievable!" I exclaimed as I walked into a magical place.

"No expense was spared. She wanted for you to be able to have a garden to walk in when it's winter."

I was astonished. The greenhouse was huge, a whole world protected from the elements. There was even an area with lounges that had deep cushions and a gurgling fountain. And above it all was a domed roof. Now the sun filled the place but at night you could see the stars through the glass. Yes, it would be lovely to be here in the winter.

I left Mike pruning and started to walk back to the house to check on Charlie. "I was going to look for you," she said as I was walking up the steps to the verandah.

"I was talking to Mike and he showed me the greenhouse. Charlie, it's wonderful!" She smiled and her hand reached out for mine. I gave in and sat down next to her. "In the winter, on cold nights, we can go there, lie on the lounges and look up at the stars."

"That sounds good to me," she replied.

We spent the rest of the day talking and laughing. She was beginning to be herself again.

"Why don't we go out to dinner?" She asked excitedly.

"No, you need to rest," I replied. We were upstairs changing for dinner.

"I feel great."

"No." I wasn't looking at her as I searched for a missing shoe.

"Why not? I want to go out!" She insisted again.

"No," I repeated.

"Are you still ashamed to be seen with me!" she exclaimed.

I turned to face her. "No," I said to her gently. I walked over to her. She was visibly upset. "No, I'm not ashamed of loving you. I want to take care of you. That's what people that love each other do."

She kept looking at me but said nothing. Her hand went up to caress my cheek and then started caressing my neck. Her eyes were looking into mine and they became smoky with passion. I stood there as she was caressing me. Her hand went down to my breast and I also felt the longing. Her other hand went behind my neck and pulled me close to her. Her mouth was teasing. Her lips would brush my face and miss my mouth. I wanted to taste her lips, and when they came close to mine again, my hand reached behind her neck and I pulled her to me, my mouth taking hers.

I wanted her so badly. I kissed her with such longing. I could feel her hands trying to remove my blouse and her frustration when the one with the cast on it failed to do what she wanted. My hands covered hers and raised them to my lips to kiss. Then I unbuttoned my blouse and placed her hand on my breast. The pleasure I experienced when the warmth of her hand covered my breast was electrifying. I groaned with need for her.

We finished undressing and were standing by the light of the moonlight coming through the window. She was excited and impatient. Her mouth quickly sought my breast and sucked it with such need that it caught me unprepared. I felt myself falling back on the bed. I wanted her mouth. But she wanted to kiss every part of me instead. Her hands were caressing my breasts and her mouth had gone to bring me to ecstasy. I shook with pleasure and she came up to me, her mouth looking for mine. I was overwhelmed with such passion for her. We made love most of the night until we both laid exhausted in each others embrace.

********

For the next few days we were like most lovers enjoying a reunion after having been away for a long time. We took walks, kissed in corners, whispered things only intended for the other's ear and made love. Oh, we made love with such an intensity brought about with the realization of how delicate and fragile it truly was. We spent dreamy days filled with sunshine and flowers.

One day we were coming up from the beach when we were met by Patricia, the housekeeper. Mark was on the phone.

"Patricia, please tell him I'll take the call shortly," I said. Patricia headed back to the house and I turned to look at Charlie. She had turned her back to me and was looking out to the ocean. "I'm going to discuss bringing the children over for a while so we can stay here." I said gently to her. "I'm going to solve this soon, I promise." I went towards the house to take the call.

Mark was not at all accommodating. He was upset. He wanted to see me. After what happened between us, I could understand his frustration. Finally, after much debate he agreed I could pick up the children and they could spend two weeks with me. I had to resolve this situation. I would have to resolve all this soon.

I went to find Charlie, walking out toward where I'd left her. I found out that she had gone upstairs. When I got up to the bedroom I could hear the running water. I went into the bathroom and she was in the shower. I hated what these calls from Mark did to her. I removed my own clothes and went into the shower with her. She turned to face me. "It feels like a lifetime since I last kissed you," I said to her and she came to me.

The plan was that I was to pick up the children and come back to the Hamptons. Charlie wanted to come but I insisted that she didn't. I now had lies to handle on both ends. I, who had insisted on an honest relationship, was lying to both Charlie and Mark. I would have to handle this before it blew up on my face.

I rolled into Mark's driveway about one 'o'clock in the afternoon. I walked up to the door and it was Mark who opened it. He was in a bad mood. The kids ran to the car and Steven helped to store their luggage in the trunk.

"We need to talk Laura!" He insisted.

"Mark, I have a plane to catch." I

"What kind of game are we playing? I love you!" He was insistent.

I stopped and faced him. "When I bring the children back, we can talk everything out then, okay?" He nodded his head and I walked back to the car.

We arrived in time for dinner. The kids ran to Charlie and wrapped themselves around her. We all had dinner together and went to the local video store to rent some videos. Staying up late, we made popcorn and watched old movies. Finally, when the kids were asleep, we took them upstairs and put them to bed.

"It's great to have them back," she said looking at me.

"Yes, yes it is." I replied in a melancholy voice.

"They love you Laura. I want to have you with me for always. I want us to be a family."

I looked at her for a long time. "I want that too." She opened her arms and I went into her embrace.

Chapter 15

The next two weeks went far too quickly. At the end of the two weeks, I took the children back and left them with Mark's housekeeper. I hated being separated from them. Before I went back home I called Mark. We agreed to meet the following week. On the flight back I thought a lot about my situation. This had to end.

When I got back it looked like Charlie had really been busy. The staff had been doubled. There was work being done throughout the house. I found Charlie in the library. She was on the phone and signaled me to sit down. "I want to sign those papers by tomorrow. I'll see you here at eleven tomorrow morning," she finished and hung up the phone. She turned to me, got up walked over and sat next to me, then leaned over and kissed me hello. "That was my lawyer. I have put ten million dollars in an account under your name," she said.

"No!" I replied but she interrupted.

"I don't want you taking Mark's money. I have more than enough, but I want you to feel like you have money of your own to do with as you please. I have also drawn up two trust funds of twenty million dollars each for the children."

I was stunned. "No," I said softly. "NO!" I repeated. I couldn't accept.

"You say you love me, that you and the children are my family. I have the right to do this. Please let me do this?" She pleaded. "Let me, I want to. Please? If I were a man you wouldn't think twice about this." She walked towards the window.

I got up and went to her. "Charlie, I…" I started to say.

"Never mind," she said.

"Charlie, don't be angry. I don't want the money. All I want is you."

"I am the money."

"No, no you're not. You're my love."

She looked at me again and kissed me. "If you love me, you'll let me do this for you," she said, waiting for my answer.

"Okay, okay Charlie. That's very generous of you, thank you," I gave in.

She turned to face me. She smiled, took me quickly into her embrace, released me and looked into my eyes. "You mean it?"

"Yes, I do."

"Oh, by the way, we're having a party next week," she informed me.

"A party?"

"Yes. It's something I host here every year. It's basically all of the social elite that lives or depends on my money," she said sarcastically. I looked at her curiously. It was just like Charlie to overload me with information when she was trying to convince me of something. "Yes, don't look so baffled. It's really quite entertaining. I want you to see what my world was like and how different I want it to be now," she said seriously. I didn't know what to make of all this. Charlie had a way of overwhelming me.

"Why have them over if you dislike them so much?"

"They look forward to this. Besides, I want them to meet you. Will you meet them?"

"Yes," I said and she smiled.

**********

The next morning Charlie's lawyer, a Mr. Thomas Gallen, arrived promptly at eleven in the morning. He was taken into the library, at which time Charlie called for me to be there as well. He was dressed in a smartly tailored, dark blue European-cut suit that breathed money and lawyer-like guile.

"Thomas, this is Laura Cole," Charlie introduced me.

He reached for my hand. "A pleasure to meet you Ms. Cole."

"Shall we get on with it?" Charlie sat down and everyone followed suit.

"Yes, of course," said Mr. Gallen "I have here the papers to be signed." He started taking papers out of his briefcase. "First, I need you to sign the bank cards Ms. Cole and then --" he was interrupted by Charlie.

"Let's do one thing at a time, shall we Thomas? Have her sign the bank cards," she said firmly.

He looked at her uncertainly and then nodded. "Please, sign here and here, Ms. Cole." He pointed out were I was to sign.

"Now the ones for the children, Thomas," Charlie instructed.

He looked at her and handed the papers to me. "Here and here, Ms. Cole." I signed as instructed.

"Good, now that that's over with, let's get to the next business in hand," she said.

"We'll need two witnesses for these," he said to her. Charlie picked up the phone and asked Mike, the gardener, and Patricia, the housekeeper, to come to the library.

"If you don't need me anymore…" I said as I started to get up.

"No, I want you to stay," she said softly and put her hand over mine. She was about to say something when there was knocking on the door. "Come in," said Charlie. Patricia and Mike walked in. "OH...good. I need you two to witness my signature." They walked up to the desk.

"As per your request, here is the new Will and Testament," he said to Charlie. "I have made all the changes you requested." He was looking at Mike and Patricia and directed them were to sign after witnessing Charlie's signature.

"Thank you both, that will be all," Charlie said to them and they left.

"Here are your two copies Ms. Von Steiben. I will be filing this today and then send you a confirmation copy as well." He handed Charlie a copy and handed one to me.

I looked at her curiously. "Why are you giving me a copy?"

He looked at me then at her. She nodded and he then turned to me and said. "You are Ms. Von Steiben's sole beneficiary. Upon her death you stand to inherit close to four hundred million dollars."

I just stared at him. I looked at the papers in my hand and sat back down. All of a sudden, after the initial shock, I started feeling very angry and a sense of being caged in overtook me. I got up to my feet and threw the papers on the desk. I turned to Charlie. "You should have told me. No, do you hear me? Change it! I don't want it!" I was fuming. I looked at a baffled Thomas Gallen. "Change it, I don't want the money." I said to him. I then directed my anger towards Charlie. "You don't know when to stop!" I said and walked out of the room.

I ran out of the house and towards the beach. I needed some air. I hated when Charlie acted like this. It was like she was always trying to box me in. Why couldn't she just love me? Always making me feel like I was being reeled in slowly. She kept saying she loved me. She also said that she believed I loved her. Then why did I always feel like she was trying to somehow buy me? It was like she had to reassure herself with always giving me more and more. Instead of it making me happy, her gifts upset me. I had explained it to her over and over. She just didn't seem to understand and, of course, the behavior did not change. One way or another, I would always give in. Well, not this time.

I started walking back to the house. She must have seen me walking up from the beach. She stood on the verandah steps as I was approaching. I walked past her and went straight upstairs. I could hear her coming behind me. I went into our bedroom and stood by the picture window overlooking the pool. I heard her close the door behind her.

"You're angry?" she asked.

I said nothing. We both stood our ground for a few minutes. I heard her walking towards me.

She stopped right behind me. "Most women would not be," she stated. I turned to her.

"I'm not most women!" I replied. We were now facing each other.

She reached out and placed the lock of hair on the side of my face behind my ear. "No, you're not," was her reply. She started caressing my face.

I took her hand away and walked away from her and started to pace the room as I spoke in frustration. "I feel like you're always bulldozing me Charlie. Why can't you just believe I love you!" I exclaimed. She said nothing so I continued. "It's like you're always trying to overwhelm me with things. Things are just that...things. Sometimes you make me feel like you're trying to buy me."

I kept pacing and she still said nothing. "Say something to me. Why must everything be so complicated with you? Just love me. That's all I want, honest." I stopped to look at her. She was looking at me and she was upset.

"I won't change it!" she stated.

"And who's name was it under before?" I asked sarcastically. She looked at me in surprise.

"Is that what you think? You think I had it in someone else's name?" I turned away from her. "You think I had it under another woman's name don't you?" She asked in surprise.

I wasn't sure what I was feeling. "Why not?" I replied more for the sake of argument then anything else.

She went to the phone next to the bed and dialed. "Thomas, I'm going to put you on speaker phone" she said and pressed the button. "Thomas, will you please tell me how many wills before this one I've had drawn up and who the beneficiaries were?"

"There has only been one, Ms Von Steiben. Aside from the small gifts to some servants, which you still kept, your previous beneficiary was the preservation of parks. Do you require the name of the foundation?" he asked.

"No, thank you Thomas, that will be all. Please go file your papers," she said ending the call. She now turned to me. This conversation had gone into an entirely different direction than I had planned. In effect she had found a way of telling me that she really loved me. As usual it was in her own way. "You look confused," she said smiling.

"I wish we were on the island Charlie. It was so simple there."

She walked over to me and took me in her arms. "I wish that all the time," she said softly into my ear and held me tighter.

"When you act like this you frighten me." I confessed.

"Why?"

"Your world scares me. I'm afraid it's going to swallow me up."

She still had me in her arms and I could feel her breath on my neck and the brushing of her lips against my skin. "I won't let anything hurt you. We're one being, one heart. Don't you know that?" She slipped her hand behind my back and pulled me closer to her. I could feel her lips on my neck. "You belong to me, as I belong to you. And the gifts I give you will be because I love you." Before I could say anything, her mouth covered mine and my body melted into hers.

*********

The house was worked on for that whole week. There were people in and out every moment. The morning of the party, trucks of flowers kept arriving. Every room was filled with them. Caterers had been consulted and had started preparing the foods early that morning. Ice sculptures were brought in later.

"What do you think?" I heard Charlie ask behind me. I turned to face her.

"It's unbelievable," I answered. She smiled and pulled me into her embrace. "Oh, Patricia needed to ask you some questions about the tables," I remembered

"Why didn't you decide?" she asked.

"I…wasn't sure…" I hesitated.

"Whatever you decide will always be perfect," she responded.

"Next time I'll do better."

"I bought us new clothes for tonight." She was looking at me for my reaction. I was being bated and I knew it. She waited smiling.

My arms went around her neck and I kissed her. "I hope mine fits," I said and she pulled me into her arms once more.

"Why don't we start getting ready?" She whispered into my ear.

"Charlie, it's only three in the afternoon," I said in confusion.

"So? We can start with a long relaxing bath. I'll scrub your back and then tuck you in for a long afternoon nap." She gave me a mischievous smile. Taking me by the hand, she led the way upstairs.

Chapter 16

The guests were scheduled to arrive at nine that evening. Charlie and I started getting dressed at seven. We both put our hair up, arranging it give the impression of softness and sensuality. We had our nails done and the makeup was applied meticulously. My dress was breathtaking. It was black sequenced with a rather low neck line. But not quite as shocking as the deep cut on the back. It had long sleeves so that the nakedness was even more pronounced.

I examined myself in the mirror and what I saw was another woman staring back at me. I was looking at a woman in a dress that brought out all of her flattering features. My breasts looked full and voluptuous and the deep cut in the back gave it a look of sensual wantonness. This wasn't me.

Then I saw Charlie walk in from the dressing room and I was speechless. She was wearing black as well, however she was in a black silk tuxedo. It was fitted to accentuate all the curves of her body. The jacket was cut low and I could see the swell of her breasts. The only jewelry she wore was a pearl necklace and pearl studs. The pants were pencil thin so that you could see her beautifully shaped legs, which ended in black high heels. She seemed like one of those blonde Goddesses walking out of a dream.

"Charlie, we're leaving nothing to the imagination," I said a little doubtful looking down at my breasts and back at her.

"You are breathtaking," she stated, walking over towards me. I sat in front of the dressing table, looking into the mirror. "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen," she said kissing me on the neck.

"Charlie, I can see your breasts clearly from the sides!" I stated, a little shocked.

"Do you find me attractive?" she asked.

I looked at her from the mirror. "You know I do."

"That's all I care about," she said and went out of the room again.

I was looking at myself in the mirror applying my lipstick when she came and sat next to me. She was facing me with her back to the mirror. Looking into my eyes, her hand caressed my back, going into the side of the dress and I could feel her fingertips caress the side of my breast.

"I love you," she whispered. I smiled. She handed me a box she had on her lap. I gave her a smile and looked down at it. It read Harry Winston. I looked up and back down at the box. "Open it," she said softly.

I was not prepared for what my eyes beheld. There were two pear shaped earrings. A light amethyst stone was surrounded with diamonds and around the earrings was a diamond and amethyst necklace, with a pear shape pendant to match the earrings. The pendant held a large diamond surrounded by smaller amethyst stones.

"Charlie…I..." I was speechless.

"I want you to wear them, with all my love."

"Charlie…"

"They are not my love but an expression of it. It's a gift, to match the rings we wear." As she said this, I looked down at my hand. A tear rolled down my cheek and my eyes looked for hers. "You'll wear them?"

"Yes, thank you." I was overcome with emotion. I kissed her lips lightly. She stood up and clipped the necklace on my neck as I put on the earrings.

The phone rang and Charlie went to answer it. It was Charles. I was looking at my reflection in the mirror. I decided right there and then to finally tell Mark. I had to tell him. I wanted to start clean. I wanted to be honest with him and I didn't want Charlie to be hurt if she found out about what had happened between us. It was time to make a clean break. I loved Charlie. Nothing would ever change that. I would call Mark in the morning.

********

The guests started to arrive promptly at nine. A little bit before nine, the chamber quartet hired for the evening started playing the Brandenburg Concertos. Within half an hour we were surrounded by a multitude of guest, candle light, flowers and music.

The guests were an odd sort. They were openly mercenary and opulent to exaggeration. No wonder Charlie wanted another life. You could lose your soul here. She wouldn't be alone anymore. Now we would have each other.

We noticed that Lyle had crashed the party. Charlie was angry at first but then decided he wasn't going to ruin our evening and decided to ignore his being there. Charles came as well, but he stayed mostly close to Charlie and I.

She was by my side all evening. I could almost hear all the talk and speculation about us. But, that didn't matter anymore. I wanted my life to be with her. I would occasionally feel her hand caress my back and I knew it for what it was. It was territorial. She wanted to show them I was hers and I welcomed the touch.

My head felt light. I had drunk too much champagne. I was talking to Charles and I felt Charlie kiss the side of my neck, her hand caressing my back. I felt her fingers lightly caressing the side of my breast. I turned with a smile on my mouth to look into her eyes.

Instead I was met with the shocked expression on Mark's face. He stood there looking at me in horror. My body tensed up immediately. Charlie looked into my eyes and then turned to see what I was staring at.

"Well, I see what's been keeping you busy," he hissed.

I felt embarrassment wash over me. I hadn't wanted it to be like this. Oh dear God, not like this, kept going through my mind.

"You whore! You perverted bitch! You stay away from my children!" He started walking away. I followed him out.

"Mark, wait. Mark please wait," I said catching up with him. Charlie wasn't far behind.

Charles was still next to me. "Please, go into the library. Let's not make a scene in front of all these people," he pointed out. "For both your sakes," he repeated and led us to the Library. I closed the door behind me.

"Mark, let me talk to you."

The door opened and Charlie came in closing the door behind her, locking it. "You don't leave until you hear her out," she said to him with the key in her hand.

"You two deserve each other." He fumed. "I don't have to do anything!" He exclaimed.

"Yes you do. I'm the Weatherbee Account," she said to him. He looked at her in surprise.

"Mark, please try to understand," I pleaded.

"I don't understand anything! I saw her pawing you in front of all those people," he said in disgust.

I realized all of a sudden what she had said and I asked. "What do you mean you're the Weatherbee Account?" They both ignored me. This had all been planned out but right now it would have to wait.

"I was caressing what is mine," interrupted Charlie.

"You stay out of this!" he yelled at Charlie.

"Mark, let's talk please!" I pleaded.

"There's nothing to talk about!" he exclaimed.

"Yes, the children."

"You think I'm going to allow my children to spend another moment with you?"

"Mark, they're mine too!"

"I'll never let you have them." He was yelling now. My hands covered my face in desperation.

"You think that you can win in this?" I heard Charlie ask him.

"You keep out of this," he said. "You're to blame for this! She wasn't like this before," he growled.

"There's no one to blame here Mark," I said to him.

"How long has this been going on?" I said nothing and then he started yelling. "How long Goddammit! When did this start?"

I felt the fear arise. My eyes started turning to him as the words came out of his mouth. "Were you sleeping with her when you were with me?" He asked and at that moment, as if in slow motion, I felt Charlie's eyes turn to me as well. The earth had opened up beneath my feet. I was looking at Charlie now. My world fell apart in one single second. I could no longer reach her. "Tell me, were you sleeping with her already?" he yelled again.

I dropped back into the chair. "Yes," was the only thing I said, very quietly.

"Did you know she had set out to ruin my business?" he asked

"No," I answered. Everything was spiraling down into an empty black pit.

"I don't believe you!" I looked up into his eyes as he continued. "Why did you sleep with me? We made love. I thought that we were going to…it doesn't matter what I thought!"

"I was confused. I never wanted to hurt you."

"So you decided to make love to me? Tell me Laura, when were you going to tell me?" He was yelling again. "When, you lying bitch? I hope you drop dead! And if you think you're going to get the kids, you're crazy! I will fucking kill you before I let that happen!" he yelled. "Open this damn door, the air in here is putrid!" he said to Charlie. "Let me out of here," he growled again.

She threw him the key. I heard the door open. "Stay away from my children, or I'll tear you apart. You'll get them over my dead body, you fucking whore!"

I flinched at his insult and Charlie exploded. "Get out or I'll kill you! Consider yourself bankrupt and unemployable for the rest of your fucking life!"

"You better have a lot of money honey, because no matter how much you dress like a man you obviously didn't do a good job fucking her when she had to come to me!" He responded viciously.

I heard her scream and as I turned, I saw her strike him. Mark grabbed her and threw her across the room. I saw her reach for a poker from the fireplace and she leapt towards him. He was walking out the door when she struck him across his back. He leaned back in pain, then turned around and struck her in the face. She laid on the floor motionless. Blood was pouring from her mouth.

At that moment Charles came in and went to her. "Get out, before I have you thrown out!" He threatened.

Mark walked out, slamming the door behind him. Charlie started to come to. I was huddled in a corner looking at them. I stood unable to move, frozen in place. I had brought us all to this.

Charles started to help her up. "Let go of me and get out!" She said with a murderous glance.

"Charlotte you're bleeding. Don't do anything crazy Charlotte," he exclaimed.

She just stared at me and pushed him away. "Get out!" She screamed at him.

He tried to help her up and she shook him away. He looked at me then at Charlie and walked out, closing the door behind him. She wiped her mouth and looked at her hand with blood and then back up at me. I wanted to say so much to her but the words did not come.

"I trusted you! I never believed in anyone, but I believed you," she hissed. I started to open my mouth. She gave me a look that made me keep silent.

"I love you," I said softly to her. I could feel the tears overflowing and running down my cheek.

She turned and yelled with frustration. With one swipe of her arm she threw everything off the desk.

I ran out the room. She reached the bedroom seconds behind me. "I trusted you!" she exclaimed, crying wildly. She started breaking everything around her.

"Charlie, let me explain…" I started to say before she struck me hard across the face. The blow knocked me off my feet.

"Get up! Get up!" she kept yelling.

"Charlie, let me explain...." I started to say again as she pulled me up off the floor. "Charlie --" she struck me again.

"Shut up!"

I started running towards the door. She caught up with me and pushed me the rest of the way against it. The sheer fury in her had caught me completely off guard. I just wanted to get away. She turned me around to face her.

"What didn't I do for you?" she demanded. "What didn't I do for you? I loved you Goddammit!" She grabbed the front of my dress and tore it. She kept tearing off my clothes.

I shoved her and started to open the door when I felt her grab me by the hair and pull me back in. "Charlie, have you gone crazy? Stop this!"

She slammed the door shut. "You are never leaving here," she said flatly. "You were with him. You let him touch you! You betrayed me after I trusted you. Trust me, you kept saying, well I did! I feel like killing you now!" She started towards me.

"Let me explain! I love you!" I kept saying to her.

"Don't ever say that again," she growled.

"I was confused, Charlie. I wanted…I don't know what I wanted. All I know is that I love you!"

She was standing in front of me now, very close. I could feel her breath on my face. "I told you not to say that."

I was going to speak again when she put her face right in front of mine. So close that I could feel her lips brush mine. My arms automatically went around her neck and I embraced her.

"Let me talk to you," I pleaded with her softly. I felt her arms go around me. Her hands started caressing my body. My lips brushed her neck lightly. I could feel her body respond. I closed my eyes in relief. They flew open when I felt her tear off the rest of my clothes.

"I'm going to give you what you want sweetheart," she threatened.

I was staring at her in horror. I started to back away from her. She started taking off her clothes as she was getting close to me. "Somebody has to die now, Laura, you know that don't you?" She stated eerily.

"Why?"

"Because, we both can't win."

"I'm afraid Charlie," I said in sheer terror.

"No need."

I was against the wall now and she was in front of me. Her hand reached for mine gently. I looked at her in confusion. "I'm going to make you happy," she said lovingly. A nervous giggle escaped my lips as she led me back to our bed.

I could feel the rage all around me. It was everywhere. It was so thick that I couldn't breath. I was gasping for air as she started stroking my hair. I felt like the prey when it is cornered and the hunter approaches. She was going to devour me. Her hands reached for me and pulled me to her roughly. Her mouth took mine savagely. I could taste the tears mingled with blood. In her kiss was the trace of controlled violence.

"Not like this Charlie," I said to her in tears.

"Just like this." She pushed me hard on to the bed and was immediately on top of me.

"No!" I started to push her off. "No, this won't solve anything," I said to her starting to get off the bed.

She grabbed my arm. "I want this!" she exclaimed.

"I believe we can still work this out if you would only listen, but not now, and not here."

She still would not let go. "I didn't ask you. I want to fuck you now. Not later, but right now," she said very calmly.

"Don't throw this all away. We can still be happy. I can explain."

"No more talking. I just want to fuck you," she stated.

A cry rose from within me with such pain. "No, I can't! Not like this!"

She pulled my arm and I fell back on the bed. "Tonight, claims were staked. I told you, you are mine. We play my way now, by my rules. And in my games, I always win!" Her mouth was on mine. I could taste the blood.

"NO!" I pushed her off me and started getting up when I felt a sharp pain on the back of my head. Something had struck me. I felt myself falling back on the mattress.

"I'm not finished," she growled above me.

All I felt was pain. The world was spinning out of control. I had been in this nightmare before. "OH God, no!" I heard myself sob.

She slapped me. "SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!"

I felt the pain of the penetration go through me like a knife. "AHHH!!" I moaned in pain. I felt another blow to my face. I kept coming in and out of consciousness to the never ending violence and pain.

All I could hear from a veiled daze was Charlie telling me "I'm fucking you Laura. My way now. Always my way now."

Then it all went dark as I heard her moaning in with pleasure.

**********

"Wake up! Wake up!" She kept yelling. She was shaking me hard. I opened my eyes. I could see her sitting next to me on the bed. A painful moan escaped my lips.

"AHHHH…" I felt tears of pain roll down my face. My whole body ached. I was looking at her when I saw the gun in her hand. I went still. I just stared at it. A great calm overtook me.

Her other hand caressed my belly and gradually traveled up to my breast as her eyes scanned my body hungrily. Her thumb teased my nipple and slowly her mouth came down and lightly placed a kiss on it. She sat up again. My eyes went up to her face.

"End this already," I said to her. She stared at me in surprise and back at the gun. She stood up.

The door opened and the rush of light blinded me. "Well, it didn't take long!" I heard a male voice say. My hand went up to my face to shield me from the pain of the light. "I'll take over now. I knew this wouldn't last." It was Lyle. I could make out his figure standing by the door. "It's my turn. I knew if I was patient we would go back to playing together again. Do you want to watch?" I heard him say.

"OHHHHH…" I started sobbing and I curled up in pain. "NO!!! Charlie please, don't let him…don't let him touch me, Charlie! Charlie, please don't let him!" I pleaded with her.

I heard the sound of a loud explosion and then total silence. I looked towards Charlie and she was sitting in a chair staring at me. I gasped in pain and desperation. She was brushing the gun to her face. She kept looking at me. I could see she wasn't there. I had killed her. I had killed everything.

I looked towards the door and I saw Lyle on the floor. There was blood oozing out of a hole in his white jacket. I heard him make a noise. He was still alive. His eyes fluttered and he started to get up slowly. "You bitch! You shot me…you shot me!" He stumbled toward her.

Just as calmly, she turned to him and pointed the gun at him once more. He stopped in mid step. "Somebody has to die Lyle."

"I just wanted to play, Charlotte. Calm down. You shot me! Shit Charlotte you shot me! Look at her…I thought you were finished. I'm sorry, I can wait. Just point that thing somewhere else okay?" He pleaded with her.

"I told you once, she's mine. I'll kill whoever touches her. What part of that didn't you understand?" She growled at him.

He looked from her to me. "Another day perhaps," he said to me.

She walked up to him and hit him where he was bleeding. He fell to the floor in pain. "I'm going to kill you too, Lyle," she said to him calmly.

I cried out in desperation. I tried getting up and fell back. Oh God, I felt a piercing pain going through me. I fell back, engulfed in incredible agony. "Oh God, I hurt! I hurt!" I cried out.

Charlie was immediately next to me. More noise. Someone else was in the room. "Charlotte, what's happened?" Cried out Charles.

"Help her! Hurry, help her!" She was yelling.

"You shot him Charlotte! My God, you shot him," he was saying to her.

"Leave him. Help her. Do you hear me? She's in pain, help her!" I heard her plead with him.

I saw Charles staring down at me in astonishment. "Charlotte, what have you done?" I heard him ask.

"Charles help me! It hurts! It hurts so much!" I cried out.

"HELP HER! HELP HER!" She was screaming hysterically.

Charles ran out of the room. She was kneeling on the floor next to the bed. "SHHHHH, it'll be better soon." Her voice was gentle and loving.

"AHHHH!!" I cried and curled up in pain.

She kept stroking my hair. Then she sat on the bed and took me into her arms and rocked me like a mother rocks her child to sleep. "It will be okay. I'll make it all better. I'll take care of you. No one will come between us again, not ever again. SHHHHH…I'll make it all better." She was out of her mind.

Charles came back in with a bag. He injected me with something and I felt the throbbing pain gradually disappear and I slowly floated away. I was looking at Charlie, and it all went dark.

*********

I came back into the world in what seemed like slow motion. The room was full of light. My eyelids felt heavy. I was lying down and gradually it all came back to me. The fight with Mark, Charlie, Lyle, and the pain. So much pain.

I was tired. I closed my eyes and wished to wake up somewhere else, be someone else. I couldn't live this way anymore. I had to get away. I had to end this. I wanted to die. It was all over.

Mark would never forgive me. He would take my children. They would hate me.

And Charlie…nothing would ever make up for this. I had deceived her. I had deceived Mark. I had hurt them all. But this, no one deserved this. All this violence and pain. Tears came and my eyes closed again. I wanted to disappear into the nothing. I was so tired. I slipped back in the darkness.

*********

I don't know how much time had gone by. All I knew was that I would drift in and out of consciousness. Tormented by nightmares of Charlie, I awoke with a scream once.

Charles was immediately at my side. "Lie back, rest. Just lie back and sleep."

My head fell back on the pillow. I remember seeing Charlie standing behind him before he injected me and the world faded again. The darkness brought me no peace. My life followed me there with all its horror. When I woke again it was dark and I was drenched in perspiration.

"I'll help you change," Charlie said softly.

"No…" I replied and closed my eyes to shut her out.

"I'll get Patricia to help you," I heard her say after a few minutes. I heard the door close behind her.

Patricia came and helped me to change. I looked down at my naked body and I was horrified by all the bruises and welts. Every part of me hurt. As Patricia was helping me walk back to the bed my legs gave way. I fell to the floor and started sobbing in frustration. So much pain. I didn't want anymore pain. I didn't want to hurt anymore.

"Oh Miss, how can I help you? Are you all right? Should I get the doctor?" Patricia asked concerned. She was helping me up when the door opened and Charlie rushed to me.

"NO! DON'T!" I pushed her away. She just stood there watching me. I tried to get up again, and again I fell to the floor. I cried without consolation. I didn't even have the power to get up off the floor.

"Patricia, you may go," I heard Charlie say. She walked over to me and helped me up and to the bed. I sat on the bed and she handed me some pills from a bottle on the nightstand. I took them and the glass of water she gave me. I didn't care what I was taking, all I wanted was oblivion. I laid down and soon after, fell asleep.

The drug-induced sleep gave me no rest. Each time I closed my eyes, every moment was filled with nightmares that would always end in my waking up screaming. This time was no different. I sat up, gulping for breath, trying to fill my lungs with the life that I knew was over. I wrapped my arms around me and started crying. I felt arms embracing me and I turned for consolation. I needed someone to hold me. I wanted to stop hurting. I cried into the embrace consoling me. I looked up and as soon as I saw her face I pulled away and cried into the pillow as I curled up like a wounded animal.

She started stroking my hair. "Don't fight me Laura."

Her words hurt. Every time I heard her voice I was filled with incredible pain. I cried until I could cry no more. I laid there and I realized I was lost. I was tired of fighting when I knew I could never win. She would never let me go. I would never be free of her. Far, would never be far enough. She would find me. She would always find me. She reached for me and I didn't shy away. In her embrace I fell asleep.

Chapter 17

There are phrases that stick in you mind and come to you with the clarity that you see while looking into a murky pool. No quote was more true as the one "It was the best of times it was the worst of times." That's how I can best describe my loving Charlie.

I've tried to recall over and over again when the turning of the road came and when I took the wrong side. I don't know, or perhaps I'm just tired of thinking and all I want to do is sleep. I need to sleep. I know that. But when I sleep my demons follow me there.

All I seem to do is walk around this room in a daze when I'm awake and have nightmares when I sleep. I've lost all sense of time. And I don't care. I feel empty.

With the blindness of youth, I use to think there wasn't anything I couldn't do. I was wrong. I also thought that bad things -- I mean really bad things -- only happpened to bad people. Bad things happen to bad and good people, and I'm sure some would see me on either side of that fence. I don't know when I fell in love with Charlie. I don't know when desire, sex, or love began.

If I had to do over again, even now, I don't know whether I'd run to her or kill her for all the pain she's put me through. I simply don't know. I have loved her with an intensity I never knew possible. I have never known such joy nor such pain, such desire or such need. My need for her is all encompassing. I feel this great ache in my chest when she is not with me. Even now at this moment. I simply just don't exist anymore. Only my need for her lives inside me. Somewhere along the way I stopped. It's that simple. I just stopped. And in a moment, whatever there is left of me will just stop. And I won't be anymore. A choice must be made. Then or now doesn't matter anymore. She's coming up the stairs and I'm tired and I want to sleep and I can't. This gun in my hand feels heavy.

I was facing the door when it opened and she came in. The gun in my hand went up. It was pointed directly at her. We were both spinning in the room. It had always been this way really. It would always be that way, Charlie and I. No other world would ever exist, we both knew that. If I pulled the trigger it would all be over. Her life would come to an end. She would die. She would cease to exist. I would never see her again. And at that moment, I realized that even then I couldn't bear the thought of that.

My eyes filled with tears and they rolled down my face as I lowered the gun. I was lost. I sat down at the bed still staring at her and very slowly I raised it to my temple. I was so tired quite suddenly.

She spoke very softly. "Laura, Mark is dead." As she spoke she walked toward me slowly. "There was a car accident," she said. Before I realized it, she was in front of me. "I've sent a car for the children. They'll be here soon."

Mark was dead. I was in a daze. I felt nothing. My eyes were still locked with hers. Her hand caressed my cheek and my eyes closed. My eyes were so heavy. I was so tired. When I opened them she was kneeling in front of me. Her hand went up and took the gun away. She kissed me lightly on the mouth and kissed me again. I didn't have the strength to push her away. Her kisses were demanding and passionate and before I knew it I felt her weight on me. I turned my face away in an attempt to fight her. But we both knew I didn't want to fight her. And the tears that followed were those of shame.

I heard her whisper passionately, "Give yourself to me Laura," and my tear filled eyes looked for hers and when her mouth sought mine I didn't resist. She didn't take my soul. I handed it to her without a struggle. I laid with her. I let her love me. I also knew to my shame that I wanted her as much as she wanted me. In tears I reached for her. And at the moment of pleasure I ceased.

**********

The next few days passed in a daze. The children came. They would live here now. Charlie filled their days with toys and stories. She took care of everything.

I walked, spoke and breathed like any human being. But I knew that something inside me was gone. I was empty. I had died.

It didn't surprise me when the police came to ask some questions so that they could wrap up their investigation. They explained that Mark had been involved in an accident with another car. There was some question whether the other car had forced him off the road or whether it was just a freak accident. They showed me a photograph of the other driver.

I looked at it for a long time. Tears rolled down my face. I said nothing. The detective was very kind. He took the picture from me and expressed his sympathy, and he left. He had mistaken my tears for those of grief for my husband.

I walked out to the verandah. And I held myself as sobs shook my body. The man in the photograph was the one that had pulled me away from the curve that day. That day in front of Mark's office. He had pulled me away barely before that car sped by. He had known my name. It had been the same man.

"It's all over Laura," I heard her say behind me. She turned me around to face her. I searched her face. She looked at me for a moment. In that exact moment I knew. I had never ever been alone. Se had always been there with me. "Josh and Ashley are waiting for me in the pool. I'll meet you upstairs in fifteen minutes. Go and wait for me." She pulled me slowly into her embrace. I didn't turn away as her lips slowly searched for mine.

Epilogue - SIX MONTHS LATER

"Ashley throw me the ball," I yelled.

"Okay, here catch it." She threw it. Josh was in the middle. We enjoyed this game in the pool.

"Can we go to the movies after dinner?" Josh asked.

"I get to pick the movie," said Ashley.

"No, it's my turn," argued Josh.

"You two decide," I said to them as I got out of the pool.

"Where are you going Charlie? The game? What about the game?" Asked Ashley.

"You play with you brother. Your mother is waiting for me." I dried myself off.

Laura is waiting. I can see her from the picture window of our bedroom. I'll bring the shine back into her eyes, I know I will. After all, she has everything she wanted as I promised her. Every part of her belongs to me now.

That first time I saw her at that party, I knew I had to have her. I planned it all. It was so easy. The money, in the form of that so called Weatherbee Account, the cruise; the only unforeseen event was the shipwreck. That was just pure luck.

What I never planned on was loving her. I had never felt anything for any of the others before her. It was so easy to love her. She gave herself over to me completely and unselfishly on the island. No one had ever given me so much. She reached inside me and I was alive again. It had been so long since I had felt anything. Every fiber of my being yearns for her.

When she left me that night I realized that without her I couldn't exist. I didn't want to. The thought of losing her was something I couldn't allow to happen. It was difficult for her to choose. It tormented her so much, so I chose for her.

I had Mark invited to the party so he could see us together. He was so predictable. I had never expected her to act the way she did that night. She was so carefree and never once pushed me away when I fondled or kissed her in front of them all. For the first time I believed I really had her. And for a moment, I must confess, I thought I might have gone a bit too far that night.

When I found out she had been with him, I knew she had made a mistake. A mistake that I had to help her see. It wasn't easy but I finally made her realize that she shouldn't fight me. I had to be strong and make her see that she was mine. That she would always be mine.

Sometimes we have to help those we love to make the right choices. He could never love her as I do. Now I have her in my house and in my bed where she belongs. Her children are mine now too. I can see her in their faces. Mark had been good for one thing. He helped me give her something I could not provide. It was unfortunate but necessary to do away with him and as an added bonus the idiot I used killed himself in the process. Although I'll always be grateful to him for having saved her that day from that speeding car. She had never taken a step without me knowing.

Everything is perfect now. Nothing is in our way. After all, who ever said the road to true love is an easy one. I open the door and as always she's standing by the window waiting for me. Looking at our children in the pool playing.

I walk over to her and take her in my arms. I put the lock of her hair that always rebelliously hangs on the side of her face back behind her ear. "I love you," I say and I kiss her softly. I love the taste of her lips and every time I'm near her I want to put my face in her hair and breathe her into myself. I want to make love to her so badly it hurts sometimes. My need for her is never ending. I love the smell, sight and taste of her. It's like a drug I can't do without. I'll never get enough. I look down and caress her stomach. "How is our baby?" I ask her.

She smiles and her hand caresses her belly too. Our baby is going to be a girl and will be born in another two months. Laura's more quiet these days. She doesn't talk much. Sometimes a haze comes over her eyes and for a brief moment there is sadness there. But I'll take care of that. Eventually, I'll take care of that too. We both couldn't win. He should have known that. When I play I always win. One of us had to die. Things are as they should be though. She's mine now. All mine.