The Dark Side of the Moon by BadSquirrel

Part Three

The first day back at school was exciting. Sarah's education was almost complete. She could see the end of all her hard work and determination and was looking forward to the chance to put it to use. Of course, she was not naive enough to think that she was going to graduate and be an instant success. What she had was book learning. Once she had her sheepskin, she would have to spend some time in the real world getting more practical experience. It would be some time before she was ready to strike out on her own in the business world. She didn't even know what kind of business she wanted to run. It was something she was going to have to think about.

In her last class of the day, there were two of her old dorm-mates. Sarah had to concentrate to remember their names and was glad she had when they approached her after class. "Hi, Lisa. Bonnie. How are you?"

Lisa popped her gum. "Good. What happened to your face?"

Sarah hitched her pack over one shoulder. "Car accident."

Bonnie's brown eyes widened. "Wait a minute. Were you in that big accident? The one down on Lennox and Broadway? I heard a student was involved."

Sarah nodded. "That was me."

"Holy cow," Bonnie breathed. She elbowed Lisa. "Remember that? The one with the tanker leaking gas all over?"

Lisa looked Sarah up and down. "You look pretty good. Which car were you in?"

"The one under the truck."

"No shit?"

Sarah stepped out into the hall without answering and the girls flanked her. "How was your Christmas vacation?"

"Oh, same old, same old. You know how it is with family. They still think I'm a little girl instead of a grown up."

Sarah kept her opinion to herself. "How are things in the dorm?"

Bonnie shrugged. "About the same. How's your job working out?"

"Great."

"And you live there?"

Sarah smiled. "Yeah. It's an estate. I've got a little one bedroom cottage behind the big house with a yard and everything."

"What kind of work do you do?"

"I clean house on the weekends. Part of it anyway. There's a whole staff to take care of the house and the grounds. I live next door to the cook."

"Wow," Lisa said. "Sounds like quite a place."

"It is."

Bonnie snorted. "I don't think I could work for people like that."

"I didn't think I could either," Sarah said in defense of Jordan, "but my boss is really cool. He's not all stuffy and proper. He's actually a lot of fun."

Lisa pushed a door open and they stepped out into a light snow. "Listen. We were kind of wondering if you would be interested in a study group. We talked to Molly-she was in one with you last year-and she said you were really good to work with. Me and Bon can use all the help we can get. What do you say?"

It sounded more like they needed a tutor than a study partner, but Sarah considered it. Sometimes helping someone else understand things cemented the information more firmly in her own mind. Besides, it was like being social. She needed more of that in her life. "When and where?"

Both young women grinned and Bonnie answered. "We were thinking the Student Union sometime on Fridays, but maybe we could do it at your place?"

"Maybe," Sarah conceded cautiously. Comparing their schedules, they agreed to meet on Friday morning at eleven between classes. Sarah had a little bounce in her step as she headed for her car. Her life was getting back on track and it felt good.

~***~

"This would be a lot more fun if it were strip chess."

Sarah grinned. Jordan looked pretty grumpy about the way the game was going. "So, losing is okay if somebody's naked?"

Jordan's eyebrows rose. "If somebody's naked, nobody's losing."

"I see."

"Couldn't you sort of let me win once? Just so I don't get discouraged?"

Sarah reached out and turned the board around. "That's the best I can do. It's my turn now."

There was a new light in Jordan's eyes as Sarah considered her options. If she were playing herself, there was no way to win. At best, she could delay the inevitable by three moves. But, since she was playing Jordan, maybe there was a chance. If she lost, fine, but she had to do her best. She didn't know any other way to play.

In the end, she just couldn't overcome the disadvantage Jordan had been in. She had seen the outcome six moves before mate, but Sarah played it out for Jordan's sake.

"Checkmate."

Sarah toppled her king with an easy grin. "Congratulations."

Jordan polished her knuckles on her shirt with a lopsided smile. "Thanks."

Brushing her hair back, Sarah asked, "Why do you still play with me if you hate losing so bad? I've offered to play other games. Why chess?"

Jordan shrugged and began putting the pieces back in their box. "You like to play and I like to see you happy."

"I don't want to play anymore if you're only doing it because you think I like to win."

"You don't like to win?"

"Of course, I do, but not at your expense. You hide it pretty well, but I know how much you hate losing. At first, it was kind of funny, but it's starting to make me feel bad. I mean, it's really sweet of you to make the sacrifice, but I don't need you to do that. We don't have to play games at all. We could watch the news and it would be okay with me."

"All right," Jordan conceded. "No more chess."

"You'll still come on Tuesdays, right?"

Jordan smiled. "I'd like to, yes."

Relieved that she had been able to express something that had been bothering her without screwing it up, Sarah smiled back. "Good."

Jordan sat back in her chair and folded her arms. "So. This watching the news idea . . . Does it involve snuggling on the couch?"

"It could," Sarah said shyly.

"Maybe we should practice," Jordan suggested seriously. "It's not as easy as it looks, you know."

Sarah knew she was being tweaked and chose to play along. "It's not?"

"Lord, no. It can be quite difficult. There are many ways to snuggle and they all have advantages and disadvantages. Finding the one that works best for us could take quite a while. Then there's the whole remote thing. Somebody's got to hold it, you know. It's a lot of responsibility. We might have to practice a lot before we get good at it."

There were times when Jordan was almost unbearably adorable. This was definitely one of those times. "I don't feel like being responsible, so maybe you'd better handle the remote."

Jordan nodded sagely, but her eyes were dancing. "Do you want to start with a side by side snuggle? Maybe a half on and half off snuggle? Or you could lay with your head in my lap."

Sarah tried to keep from grinning. "I don't know. It sounds like you know a lot more about this than I do. It might be better if you took charge."

From the slow smile and smoldering look she got, it seemed she had said exactly the right thing. It occurred to her that being in charge was probably what Jordan liked. Sarah was usually in charge when it came to physical intimacy, but this was different. Emotional intimacy was new to her. She realized in a flash of insight that she trusted Jordan. Not just to be gentle with her, but also to teach her how to be close. It was like the dancing. If she gave up control, Jordan would guide her and it would be beautiful. It was a little frightening, but it was also comforting to know that she didn't have to have all the answers.

It turned out that snuggling wasn't hard at all. Sarah fit into Jordan's side like she had always belonged there. It took her a moment to really relax, but when she did, it felt better than anything she'd ever felt before. Jordan wasn't wearing her vest and there was no doubt that Sarah was holding a woman. With her ear pressed to Jordan's shoulder, Sarah smiled. "Your heart is racing."

"You have that effect on me." The television came on and Jordan flipped through several channels. Jordan settled herself a bit and then began to rub Sarah's arm where it lay across her middle. "This is so much better than chess."

Sarah felt so happy she didn't know whether to laugh or cry. She did neither, electing instead to crawl inside of the feeling and let it consume her. The drone of the television was far away and inconsequential. People did this all the time like it meant nothing. They were fools. How could anyone take this feeling for granted? Sliding an arm behind Jordan's waist, Sarah pulled her knees up and let them fall over Jordan's thighs. If she could spend the rest of her life just like this, she would die feeling like she had not wasted a single moment.

Without meaning to, Sarah snoozed for a while. She woke up with Jordan's arms around her, holding her securely. Taking a deep breath to let Jordan know that she was awake, Sarah apologized. "Sorry. I didn't mean to fall asleep."

Jordan pressed a kiss to Sarah's temple. "I don't mind one bit, little one. Holding you while you sleep is my new favorite thing in the whole world."

Sarah tipped her head back and smiled up at the woman holding her. "Do you practice being charming?"

"Yes, ma'am, I do," Jordan answered without missing a beat. "I've got this big mirror and I practice for an hour every morning."

"You probably do," Sarah giggled. "You're such a nut."

Jordan smiled and ran her hand through Sarah's hair. "You're so beautiful."

Sarah blushed. She'd heard it before, but this was the first time it really meant anything. It was hard to accept. "There's a million girls who look just like me."

Jordan cocked her head thoughtfully. "Maybe, but there's something about the way you animate yourself that makes you stand out from the crowd. In spite of everything you've been subjected to, there's a vitality and intelligence that shines out of your eyes that makes you different. Not to mention that you have the most amazing smile in all of human history. Just looking at you makes me weak in the knees."

Sarah hid her face in Jordan's shoulder. "You're embarrassing me."

Jordan cupped Sarah's head gently. "I'll try to keep it to a minimum, but sometimes I just have to say it or I'll bust."

Unable to think of anything to say, Sarah tightened her arms and heard Jordan sigh. It was hard sometimes to believe that Jordan really wanted to be with her like this. It was not something she had ever expected. Knowing how to accept the goodness of it was beyond her.

Jordan sighed again. "I should probably get going. I've got some things to take care of and I know you need to study."

It hurt to let go, but Sarah forced herself to do it. Jordan's hands prevented her from moving away entirely and Sarah looked at the handsome woman to see what she wanted.

"May I have a kiss before I go?"

Leaning closer felt awkward until their lips touched. The rightness of it drew Sarah in and she forgot everything else. She always did. Uncertainty and insecurity plagued her frequently, but when she was touching and kissing Jordan, everything made sense. Sarah ended the kiss with a caress of her hand on the angled features and smiled. "When will I see you again?"

"When do you want to see me again?"

"Well," she began bashfully, "I'll be home by 4:30 tomorrow."

Jordan gave her a quirky grin. "Then I guess I'll see you tomorrow."

Sarah gave her another kiss and let her go. She put the chess set away in the closet and got her books out, but she just couldn't concentrate on her studies. There wasn't anything on television that grabbed her. She wandered from room to room for a bit and then decided it might be time to read the books Maggie had given her about the BDSM lifestyle. The four slim paperbacks had been hidden under her mattress since she'd gotten them. Sarah dug them out and sat down on the bed. Maybe it was about time she learned a little about what Jordan did in the dungeon. It was part of who Jordan was and not something Sarah could hide from for much longer.

Tossing pillows against the head of the bed, she settled back to read.

~***~

Sarah was up well before dawn on Saturday. The wind was howling outside and she dressed warmly for the trek up to the big house. It was time to go back to work and she was actually looking forward to being back in the dungeon. Reading the BDSM books had been a real eye-opener for her. Without ever really being conscious of it, she had believed that the dungeon was all about torment and despair and degradation. It just wasn't true. Oh, it could be, if that was what the players mutually agreed on, but it was really all just an illusion. It was about living out your fantasies in safety.

What had surprised her the most was the idea that the submissive partner had the real control. You might choose to pretend that you didn't, but if you could say stop and expect to be obeyed, how much control had you really given up? It was an intriguing question.

The thing that made her most uncomfortable was that she was looking at her life differently now. Sarah's sexual history could very easily be seen within the BDSM context. Having sex with strangers with carefully delineated limits and expectations was very much like what the books described as playing. Sarah was both excited and disturbed by that comparison. She wanted very much to talk to Jordan about it, but was afraid if she said it out loud, it would be true with no possibility of turning back. She didn't want to find out she was a player; she wanted a choice.

Sarah had it in her head that being in the dungeon might help her figure it out. It didn't seem an unreasonable idea. Except for the first couple of minutes she had been in the dungeon, she had always felt comfortable there. Now, with all of the new information she had, she wanted to know how the large room felt to her in context. Maybe she would find answers there.

The kitchen was dark and quiet. Even Maggie wasn't up yet. Sarah left her winter gear by the back door and made herself some instant coffee. Cradling the hot mug in chilled hands, she walked through the still house and up the stairs.

The dungeon was more disheveled than usual and the odor of sex was strong. An unfocused desire swept through her like a tornado. Sarah lifted a shaky hand and licked off the hot coffee that had spilled. She could not deny her excitement. She had often felt excited in this room and was only now able to admit it to herself. Maybe it's true. Maybe this is part of me, too. It would certainly be convenient considering my feelings for Jordan, but is this really the kind of life I want? If it's part of me, do I have a choice? The books say I do, but they also say that it's not something a person can just give up. Oh God, I have so many questions.

Sarah looked at everything with new eyes. The books had been quite specific about nearly everything. She looked at the different striking implements and knew which ones would sting and which ones would thud. The basket of used toys made her wonder about how those things would actually feel during use. She imagined herself bound on the different mounts and how her body would be used.

Part of her mind wanted to run away. It didn't want to consider such things. It was tempting to give into that feeling, but that wasn't how Sarah lived her life. She attacked things. She picked a goal and went after it with every part of herself. If BDSM was going to be a part of her life, she would commit to it with every resource. Sarah reminded herself that she didn't have to choose in that instant. She would be wise to learn more about the lifestyle and herself before she made that decision. For the moment, all she had to do was be aware of the possibility. With that thought firmly in the front of her mind, she went to work.

The more she cleaned, the more she saw that needed cleaning. From the look of things, it had been a free-for-all the night before. Every mount needed detailed attention. Sarah privately thanked Jordan for insisting on condoms. It would have been too disgusting otherwise. Sure, she found traces of sperm here and there (and that was disgusting enough), but by and large it was probably sweat, lube and the fluids of women.

She was halfway through the mounts and on the second dishwasher load of toys when Maggie came in and invited her down to breakfast. Glancing at a clock, Sarah realized she'd already been at it for a bit more than four hours. She was hungry. Washing up, she hurried downstairs.

Maggie had a king's feast laid out: bacon, sausage, scrambled eggs, hash browns, French toast, biscuits and gravy. It smelled wonderful. "Who else is coming for breakfast?"

"Just the three of us. Coffee?"

"Sure. This is a lot of food, Maggie."

"You need your strength, dear. I can't believe you're back to work so soon after that horrible accident. I just don't know what the Master is thinking."

Sarah reached out for a sausage link and bit into it. "I got a doctor's note. I'm fine now. This is really good."

"Don't talk with your mouth full," Maggie admonished. "Get a plate, dear. If you eat over the sink, you'll get fat."

Sarah grinned. It sounded just like something a real grandmother would say. "Yes, ma'am."

Jordan came in as Sarah loaded up a plate. Half awake, her hair was tousled and little pink panthers frolicked over her pajamas. Smiling ear to ear, Sarah said, "Good morning."

"Unh. Coffee."

Sarah waited until Jordan had taken a sip of the mug Maggie gave her. She had never seen Jordan like this before and she couldn't help wanting to tease her. "Rough night?"

"You've no idea."

"Love the 'jammies."

Jordan glanced down at herself and then fixed Sarah with a sinister glare. "If you tell anyone, you're fired."

"Grump."

"Brat."

"Grouch."

"Wench."

"Enough," Maggie barked, not unkindly. "Eat. I didn't go to all this work just to have a cat fight in the middle of it."

Sarah shared a look of amusement with her employer and dug into her eggs. She couldn't help watching Jordan out of the corner of her eye. She was just so sexy like this. Kind of vulnerable and defenseless, without being any less imposing and powerful. Part of it was that she had come to breakfast as a woman, probably for the first time in years. A lot of it was that Sarah had never seen her less than fully dressed. The hair was a nice touch, too. The way it went every which way made her want to run her hands through it. Of course, she felt like that a lot lately, but the feeling was stronger now. Maybe it was because Maggie was right there and there was nothing Sarah could do to satisfy that itch.

Jordan was on her second cup of coffee and her third slice of French toast when she broke the silence. "The dungeon is a mess today, Sarah. I'll give you a hand with it."

"I'm actually about half done. I got an early start."

Jordan nodded in surprise and rubbed at one eye. "I should have warned you. Every time I close the house and then open it back up, it's like they all go nuts. I had to throw five people out for misbehaving."

"Was anyone hurt?" Maggie asked.

"No. I would never let it get that bad. Two of them showed up drunk and I sent them packing right away. The other three were just insensitive."

"They take you for granted," Maggie said tightly. "You give them so much and they forget that you don't have to. I still say you should make them pay to come."

"You know I can't do that. The minute one penny changes hands, I'm in business and subject to all kinds of laws prohibiting such behavior. They couldn't do a tenth of what they do if I open that door."

Sarah was watching the conversation avidly. This was the first time since she'd been hired that Jordan had talked about what went on upstairs.

"It's not right," Maggie insisted.

"Maybe not, but I don't see any reasonable alternatives."

"You should be more selective."

"I am. I already interview every prospective player and they have to have a sponsor."

"That's not what I mean. Maybe you should make playing by invitation only. You shouldn't let them just wander in whenever they feel like it. It's your house, your dungeon. They have too much control and they don't appreciate you."

"Some of them do."

"Then let them play here. Send the others packing."

Sarah got an idea and blurted it out. "What if they didn't pay you with money?" Both women looked at her as if just remembering she was there.

"Any type of barter or trade would be considered income," Jordan explained.

"Only if you're the one profiting from it."

Jordan looked interested. "What do you have in mind?"

"Community service." Sarah could see that she had their attention. "What if you required every player to contribute ten hours a month to whatever community service interests them in order to be considered for playing upstairs? Not only would it make the community a better place to live, they wouldn't be able to take playing here for granted. They would have to think about meeting their obligations before they could avail themselves of your generosity."

Maggie smiled immodestly. "She's a genius."

Jordan was rubbing her chin thoughtfully. "You may have something there, Sarah. Remember how excited they were about the blood drive the other night? And I couldn't believe how they jumped on the Fireman's Fund thing. Maybe they're wanting more organization and structure as a group."

A warm glow of pride spread throughout her body. "How much did they donate?"

Jordan shrugged. "I had to write a check for just over sixty thousand."

Her mouth felt right open. "Are you serious?"

Jordan grinned. "That's what I said."

"Holy crap."

"I think I said that, too."

"You know," Maggie interjected, "maybe what you need to do is set up some kind of organization like the Elks or the Lions. Not a legal one with charters and non-profit status, of course. I doubt you could get recognition for that, but something along those lines might be a good idea. The players could have a hand in deciding what community projects the group would endorse."

Sarah put aside the Fireman's Fund for the moment and considered it. "If they worked together on projects, you'd have a better idea of who was actually meeting their obligations. Keeping track of what they did on their own might be difficult."

"I see yard sales, car washes and bake sales," Maggie said with enthusiasm. "Or helping families whose homes have burned down. There's a million things that could be done. I may not want be one of your players, Jordan, but I'd be interested in being a part of that."

"So would I," Sarah chimed in.

Jordan put her hands up. "Sounds like we have a consensus. I'll run it by a few players and see what they think. It'll take some work, but it certainly sounds plausible."

Sarah had another burst of creativity. "You could call it the Beaver Lodge."

For one brief moment, all was still, and then they were shrieking with uncontrollable laughter.

~***~

She was nearly done vacuuming when Jordan came in wearing black leather pants and a blue Polo shirt. Sarah turned the machine off. "Hey."

"When you're done, could I see you in my office? There's something I want to show you."

"Sure. It'll be about ten minutes."

"Take your time. I'll wait."

She finished cleaning while trying to imagine what it could be. It was probably something to do with what they had talked about over breakfast. Sarah stopped for a final look at the dungeon. She felt good about the job she had done. If she had reason to think that a criminal forensics team was coming in, she had confidence that they would find very little. It gave her a good feeling.

The door to Jordan's office was open and she stepped inside expectantly. "Here I am."

Jordan smiled. "Right on time. Close the door." Sarah shut the door as Jordan stood up from her leather chair. "Come sit down for a second."

The whole scene seemed a little strange, but Sarah obeyed. "Now what?"

"Reach under the desk on the left side." She put her finger on the blotter. "Right about there."

Sarah put her hand up under the desk and felt around. Her fingers slipped over a protrusion. "What is it?"

"Push it and hold it for a few seconds."

After a few moments, Sarah heard the office door lock on its own and then there was a mechanical sound to her right. Turning her head, she saw a bookcase recede into the wall and then slide to one side.

"That'll do it," Jordan said. "You can let it go now."

Sarah stood up in awe of the mystery. "What is it?"

"My room. Come on."

"Cool." Sarah followed Jordan into the opening and down a stairway. At the bottom of the stairs, Jordan pushed a button on the wall and the bookcase quietly moved back into place above them. "Very cool," Sarah said approvingly.

Jordan smiled and opened the door.

Except for the lack of windows, it could have been any middle class living room. It was a little larger and the furniture was worn, but it seemed pretty normal. Except for the sofa. It was the ugliest combination of orange, green and yellow Sarah had ever seen, not to mention that it was probably older than she was.

"Feel free to look around. I've been cleaning it up for the better part of a week, but don't judge me by those efforts. I'm much better at other things."

Sarah grinned at Jordan. "So I've noticed."

Jordan raised an eyebrow playfully and pointed off to her right. "The kitchen is through there. Down that hallway are the bedroom, bathroom, library, exercise room and my real office."

"Your real office?"

"Upstairs is for show. I do my real work down here."

Sarah looked around, trying to capture details. "Is it okay now to ask what your real work is?"

"I'm a writer."

That got her attention. "Really? What do you write?"

Jordan took a deep breath, folded her arms and dug one toe into the worn carpet. "Do you remember that day you were reading in the gazebo and I brought you lemonade?"

The memory came back to her clearly. "Yes."

Another deep breath. "I wrote that."

Sarah's mind blanked for a moment. "You are Trey Halvorsen?"

"I know it sounds crazy, but I can easily prove it."

Her hand flew to her mouth in horror.

"What is it?" Jordan asked with concern.

"I called it trash," she whispered through her fingers.

Jordan laughed comfortably. "As I recall, you said it was fun trash. You also said I didn't let you take much for granted and my imagery was good. All in all, it was the best review I've ever had. Certainly, it was the most honest. For that, I thank you."

Sarah felt sick to her stomach. "You're thanking me for calling what you do trash?"

"It is trash, Sarah. We both know it. I sit down here writing unrealistic romances for lonely straight women. There's nothing noble or glamorous about it." Jordan ran a hand through her hair as if searching for the right thing to say. "It doesn't really mean anything, Sarah. I'm exactly the same person you knew a couple of minutes ago. It's not like I'm famous. Sure, Trey Halvorsen is well known in a who-is-she kind of way, but I'm not. Don't let this intimidate you. Don't disappoint me."

The words were a definite command, harsh and decisive, but the pleading of Jordan's eyes said something else all together. She looked scared. Sarah stepped back mentally. Jordan was the same person. The only thing that was different was Sarah's perception of her.

An incident of several years before went through Sarah's mind. There had been a girl in her dorm that she had started to become close to. It was her first real exposure to the idea of having a friend. They were getting along quite well and then the girl found out that Sarah was a lesbian. She had been completely unable to handle it and had transferred to another dorm to get away from her. Sarah clearly remembered arguing that she was the same person she had been all along. It was the same thing Jordan had just said to her. Was it true? She supposed it was, but the fact remained that her perceptions were different now. Was it fair? Probably not. Did she want to be like the girl she had known so briefly?

Sarah wasted a moment trying to remember the name of that girl. It wouldn't come and she supposed it didn't really matter anymore. So what if Jordan was an accomplished writer? Trey Halvorsen had an impressive list of novels to her credit, but she was no Danielle Steel. Hollywood wasn't making the books into movies and fans weren't camping at the gates. Jordan was just Jordan. True, she was wealthy and powerful, but she was just as neurotic and odd as everyone else in the world. The only real difference between Sarah and Jordan was that Jordan had lived longer. She'd had more time to achieve the things she'd done. It was impossible to say whether or not Sarah would do as well financially given the same amount of time to work with, but that didn't necessarily mean she wouldn't be a success.

"Please, Sarah. Don't let this ruin how you are with me."

Looking into the dark blue eyes, Sarah saw a childlike fear of rejection. It was so unlike Jordan to be so vulnerable and all she could think of was easing that fear. Taking two steps, she reached for Jordan's hand. "I have to say this one thing, Jordan."

The tall woman seemed to brace herself mentally. "Yes?"

Sarah gazed deeply into her eyes and said, "That is the ugliest piece of shit couch I've ever seen."

Jordan blinked and the fear was gone. She frowned. "You don't like my couch?"

"It's pathetic. I hope you don't think I'm going to let you snuggle me on that old thing. I'm surprised you don't have scabies from it."

A trace of a smile flitted over the handsome face. "Couches are heavy. I can't manage switching this one out by myself. It was already down here, so I left it."

"I'll help you move it."

Jordan reached out to capture Sarah's face and kissed her. "Thank you, little one."

She knew Jordan was thanking her for more than the offer of help. And, since reading the books, she knew that little one was a term of endearment from the dungeon. On impulse, she answered, "You're welcome, Master."

Jordan hesitated, eyes searching, and then she smiled. "Shall we continue the tour?"

The exercise room contained a treadmill, a work out machine she'd seen on infomercials and a poster of Xena, Warrior Princess. Sarah looked at Jordan askance and got an embarrassed shrug. She didn't say a word.

The office had clearly been straightened up, but it was still cluttered. Old fashioned maps of coastlines and islands covered the walls. She supposed that Jordan used them to chart the travels of her characters. Eleven first edition Trey Halvorsen books were lined up on a shelf and Sarah hid her insecurity. There were authors who spent their whole lives trying to get one book published and Jordan had eleven. It was hard not to be intimidated by that.

The library was interesting. Half of it was resource material for Jordan's writing. Focusing on the 16th to 19th centuries, the subjects covered every aspect of life that Sarah could imagine: animal husbandry, crafts, cooking, politics, weaving, medicine, coinage, religion, slavery, ship-building, education, metallurgy, farming, fashion, biographies, law, navigation, philosophy. For the first time, Sarah saw beyond the image of the writer and saw how much work went into crafting a book. It really was work.

The rest of the library was devoted to the BDSM lifestyle. It was a surprise to Sarah that there were so many books on the subject. Maybe that was naive, but it still shocked her. Jordan had the books divided into fiction, non-fiction and technique. Sarah wanted to sit down and read it all. Seeing all of the books, however, gave her the courage to open the subject to discussion.

"I have a tiny confession to make," she began.

Jordan cocked her head.

Nervous, Sarah put her hands behind her back and twisted them together. "Do you remember when Maggie first came here? You gave her some books to read about upstairs?"

"I remember. How do you know about that?"

"Well, she gave them to me and I read them."

Jordan grew quite serious. "Why did she give them to you?"

Sarah looked away. "I was . . . curious."

"You could have come to me, Sarah."

"I know, but . . . at the time, well, it just sort of came up. I wasn't asking her about it really. It was before Christmas break. I only just read them last Tuesday."

"Are you all right?"

"I don't know," she admitted. "I want to talk about it, but I don't."

"I understand."

Sarah felt a little desperate as she looked at Jordan. "Do you?"

Jordan smiled gently. "Believe me, I do. When you're ready to talk about it, I'll tell you anything you want to know. But, I want you to understand one thing. It's very important. You don't have to be a player to be with me. It's not a requirement. I applaud your curiosity. Few people have the courage it takes to even read about the lifestyle, but I have no expectations of you in that regard. None at all. Do you hear what I am saying?"

Sarah bit her lip. "But, what if it turns out that I'm . . . that I . . ?"

"We'll deal with that if it happens," Jordan said with a shrug. "It doesn't matter to me one way or the other."

"Are you just trying to be supportive or do you really mean that?"

Jordan grinned. "Both?"

The attempt at humor eased Sarah's nerves. "Well, then, can you recommend another book I should read?"

"What do you want to know?"

"Everything."

Jordan turned to the books and looked rapidly through the spines. Her long fingers pulled one free. "It's been a while since I gave Maggie those books. Was this one of them?"

Sarah looked at the cover. "No."

"When you're done with that one, let me know. As you can see, I can keep you busy reading for some time."

"Thanks."

"Anytime."

The tour ended in Jordan's bedroom. Sarah blinked twice. "Pink?"

"I like pink," Jordan said in a careful tone.

It was like being inside cotton candy. Everything was pink. The walls, the floor, the furniture, the bedspread. It was more pink than Sarah had ever seen in one place. It was almost psychotic in its pinkness. It was Barbie on steroids. It was all the Pepto-Bismol in the world. Sarah closed her eyes and the pinkness was burned on her retinas. "Jordan?"

"Don't say it."

"It's pink."

"I think we've established that."

Sarah opened her mouth to elaborate and was struck with an epiphany. "This is the only place you get to be a girl."

"You understand?"

Sarah slid her hand into Jordan's and laced their fingers together. "Yes."

"I hoped you would."

"Jordan?"

"Hmm?"

"You suck at decorating." She yelped in surprise as Jordan picked her up and tossed her on the wide bed. In the next instant, Jordan was leaning over her with a huge smile. Sarah's heart hammered wildly as their bodies came together and she ran her hands over the strong back. "Not the reaction I was expecting."

"Should I stop?"

The husky tone of Jordan's voice only drove her desire higher. "No." She gasped as a lean thigh fit itself against her groin. It was not supposed to feel that good. Propped up on her elbows, Jordan was watching her closely. Sarah felt naked and exposed.

"Let's fool around, little one. Let's make each other crazy."

"Oh, God."

Jordan's eyes burned with passion. "Say yes."

Sarah lifted her own leg into the vee of Jordan's thighs and was rewarded with a soft groan. It was the sexiest thing she'd ever heard. "Yes."

~***~

Over the next three weeks, Sarah was busier than she had ever been in her whole life. Every moment was taken up. School and studying took up the largest portion of her time. The study group over lunch on Fridays had taken on two more girls and was going well. Sarah still had a hard time participating in the social aspect of it though. Her personal life was not the sort of thing she could discuss with casual friends. She just didn't have a common frame of reference for talking with them. Still, it was nice to kind of feel like part of a group.

Sarah asked Jordan about bringing people over to her house for studying and Jordan had reassured her that it was fine. So far, Sarah had not wanted to cross that line with the girls. She considered it every Friday, but the moment never seemed right.

The absolute best parts of her life were when she was working in the dungeon and being with Jordan. Every day when she got home from school, Jordan was waiting on her couch. At first, Jordan had waited on the porch, but it was just so cold out that Sarah had insisted she go inside. Jordan very scrupulously only stayed for an hour so as not to interfere with her studies, but it was an hour filled with talking, kissing and snuggling. Sarah didn't understand why Jordan wasn't pressing for more, but she raced home every day to be with her.

Sunday's were developing into their date days. After working, Sarah went home to take a shower and Jordan would pick her up. So far, they had gone to a late lunch, seen a movie and played miniature golf. Jordan was a good date. She was protective and solicitous without being controlling or inflexible. The dates were fun. They laughed and talked and just enjoyed each other.

After reading another half dozen of Jordan's BDSM books, Sarah had stopped. They all pretty much said the same thing and she was letting all of the information percolate for a while. She still didn't have any concrete answers about her own nature, but the books had given her some fascinating insights into Jordan's character.

Jordan liked to be in charge and have control. Being in command made Jordan feel safe and relaxed. Sarah suspected that being dominant was how Jordan handled feelings of vulnerability and uncertainty. It was a protective mechanism. Sarah had no problem understanding that. What the books made clear to her was that Jordan's dominance existed in conjunction with a submissive's belief in that dominance. Jordan needed positive reinforcement of her authority.

Sarah found herself wanting to provide that reinforcement, but she had few ideas on how to go about it without being obvious or foolish. One way she came up with was to stop arguing with Jordan over who paid for what on their dates. Jordan liked to pay for everything. When Sarah stopped insisting on paying her share, Jordan puffed up like a rooster. Sarah came to understand that Jordan's generosity wasn't about having more money. It made her feel good about herself. Sarah made a point of saying a genuine Thank You every time and it would invariably bring a beaming smile to Jordan's face. It didn't seem right to make someone feel good by letting them spend money, but Sarah was working on not feeling guilty about it.

Nothing was ever said, but Maggie knew about them. It was clear from the way she watched them. Sarah was glad she knew, but was grateful that Maggie was respecting their desire for privacy. She didn't think she could handle being teased about it. The feelings were too new and strong for teasing. It wouldn't be funny; it would just hurt.

Juggling her coat, sweater and backpack, Sarah left her first class on Wensday only to find Jordan lounging against the wall in the hallway. It was very strange to see her out of context. Sarah stepped closer to get out of the way of students. "What are you doing here?"

"I missed you."

Her heart melted with the sweetness of it. "You did?"

"May I walk you to your next class?"

"It's not for two and a half hours."

Jordan smiled and reached for Sarah's pack. "Can I carry your books and keep you company?"

Sarah smiled as the pack was slung over one broad shoulder. "I have a better idea. I still have to buy a dress for Pete's wedding. Do you want to help me pick one out?"

"It would be my pleasure."

Their ideas of shopping were very different. Sarah was a perfect size four and left to her own devices, she would have taken a dress off the rack, trusting that it would fit. Jordan wanted to see her in everything. Sarah ended up in a dressing room in her underwear while Jordan brought her dresses to try on. She had to model each one. Jordan might not be any good at decorating a house, but she had a knack for clothes. Every time Sarah tried something on that she didn't like, Jordan would grimace. It was a relief to find their tastes so in sync.

Sarah wasn't sure about the slinky green dress that Jordan tossed over the dressing room door until it slithered over her hips. Not only did it feel good, it looked great. It left one shoulder bare and had a slanted hem that accented her legs nicely. Sarah resisted looking at the price tag and stepped out for Jordan's opinion.

Jordan's eyes widened and she tossed aside the dresses she had in her hand. "Wow."

Sarah blushed with pleasure. "I like it."

"Me, too. My God. You look fabulous."

Facing the mirror, Sarah caressed the fabric over her belly. "Is it wedding appropriate?"

"Oh, yeah. With the right shoes . . . wow."

Sarah took advantage of the fact that they had the dressing rooms to themselves. Feeling completely wanton, she sidled up to Jordan and ran her hands over the vested chest. It was a risque move, but Jordan looked like a man and such a caress was quite commonplace among straight couples. "Do you think I'm sexy?"

Jordan gave her a breathless moan. "God, yes."

Sarah rubbed her hips against Jordan with an amorous purr. "Do you want me?"

Jordan's hands stayed at her sides, but her voice was a low growl, her eyes hard. "Be careful, little one. I'm already on the edge."

The power of Jordan's desire was breathtaking. Never had she seen such intensity and need directed at her. "You aren't alone," she whispered daringly. Hands slid over her hips as Jordan's mouth claimed her. There was a new ferocity in the kiss and Sarah welcomed it.

A throat cleared behind her and Sarah pulled back. "Oops."

"Go change," Jordan ordered softly.

Sarah couldn't look at the saleswoman as she ducked into the tiny room. She'd never been caught before and it was embarrassing. She changed quickly and put the green dress back on the hanger. Jordan was leaning against one wall with a smirk and the saleswoman looked on discouragingly. "I'm ready."

Jordan put an elbow out. "Shoes, My Lady?"

Sarah hid a grin. Looping her hand through Jordan's arm, she answered, "Yes, My Lord."

Proceeding to the shoe department, Jordan insisted on fitting Sarah herself. The large hands were gentle and Sarah found the whole process very erotic. The heels that went with the dress were quite high, but Jordan's look of approval decided it for Sarah.

It came to nearly three hundred dollars at the register. In the not too distant past, it would have been impossible for Sarah to splurge so extravagantly, but now she had the means. It barely hurt at all.

"Your boyfriend is awfully sweet."

Sarah looked at the cashier in momentary confusion and then understood. She hadn't thought of Jordan that way before, but maybe she was her boyfriend. And her girlfriend, too. It was an exciting thought. "Yes, he is."

"It's easy to see that he's totally gone on you."

Sarah looked over at Jordan where she was looking at winter gloves. "I'm pretty gone on him, too."

"Doesn't hurt that he's so hot."

"No," she mused aloud, "it doesn't hurt a bit."

Once outside, Sarah had to share the exchange with Jordan. To her surprise, Jordan didn't think it was funny. "I'm sorry. I thought you'd be amused. I was."

"They think you're straight," Jordan said tightly.

"So?"

Jordan stopped. "Don't you get it? When you're out with me, it's not just me pretending. You have to pretend, too. Every time you go out with me, people will assume we're a straight couple. You can't be what you are when you're with me. I hate that."

"I don't."

"You should."

"But, I don't care what you are."

"That's easy to say when you know the truth."

Sarah got angry. "You're the one who doesn't get it, Jordan. I decided it didn't matter before I knew for certain. At this point, all I have is your word for what you really are. For all I know, you're waiting to take me to bed because you're worried my being a lesbian means that I won't like your penis."

"Keep your voice down," Jordan hissed.

Sarah wanted to shout, but Jordan was right. She stepped closer and spoke more softly, but kept the intensity of her anger. "I don't care what you really are. Do you hear me? I don't care. I get the best of both worlds with you. I get a strong, powerful man and a sensitive, gentle woman all wrapped up in one. I want you exactly the way you are, Jordan. I know you love being a woman, but you won't admit that you love being a man, too. Why can't you love being both? You're the best man I know. I want to be with the man you are just as much as I want to be with the woman."

"But, I'm not a man."

"Yes, you are."

"Sarah . . ."

"You're not listening to me."

"You're not making any sense."

"I don't have to make sense, damn it! I love you both!" Sarah clapped a hand to her mouth in horror.

"You love me?"

"I didn't say that."

Jordan was grinning. "You most certainly did."

Sarah hurried for the car as fast as the icy pavement would let her. "I have to get back to school. I don't want to be late for class."

"Sarah."

She had to get away and think. A hand grabbed her by the arm as she was slipping on the ice. Jordan stopped her fall and held her firmly by the arms. "Please, let me go."

"Hold on a second, Sarah. I don't want you to fall and get hurt."

"Take me back to school."

"I will. Just let me say one thing."

"No," she pleaded.

"I love you, too, Sarah."

"Don't say that."

"I love you."

It took a tremendous effort not to give into her panic. Sarah stood very still and tried to be calm. "Please take me back to school."

Jordan hesitated. "All right. I'm going to let go of you. Don't run. I don't want you to fall on the ice. We'll get in the car and I'll drive you back to school."

It was a tense, silent drive. Sarah kept her eyes out the side window, blind to anything but her pain. She'd been having such a good day and then she'd gone and ruined it. Why had she said that? Where had it come from? Shouldn't a person know they were in love before they blurted it out like that? How had this happened?

"Sarah?"

Jordan was pulling up to the curb and Sarah reached for the door latch. "Thank you for shopping with me."

"Wait."

The command made her pause. "Please, Jordan. Just let me go."

"We need to talk."

"I don't want to talk right now."

"All right. I'll drop your dress and shoes off at your house. We can talk later."

Sarah forced herself to look at Jordan and hated herself for the confusion she saw in the blue eyes. "I need some time."

The rugged face went blank. "You want me to leave you alone?"

"Please?"

Jordan nodded slowly and faced forward. "You know how to find me when you're ready."

It hurt so bad to see the pain she was causing. Her natural instinct was to fix it, but she just couldn't. Sarah lifted her pack from the back seat and got out of the car. As Jordan drove away, Sarah started to cry.

~***~

Sarah pulled the pillow over her head to muffle the sound of knocking on her front door. She didn't want to see anyone. She just wanted to lie in bed until it stopped hurting. Sarah knew she should be studying, but she just didn't care anymore. Nothing mattered except this aching torment.

"Are you sick?"

Sarah cringed at the sound of Maggie's voice from the foot of her bed. "Go away."

"Answer me. Are you sick?"

"No." She felt Maggie's weight as she sat on the edge of the bed and allowed the pillow to be taken away. Fighting for it might hurt the old woman and she didn't want that.

"All right then. I want you to tell me what's gotten into the two of you. Neither of you are eating enough to keep a rat alive. Jordan hardly comes out at all and you're dragging around like you're on the edge of death. What's wrong?"

Sarah hadn't thought she had any tears left in her, but they came anyway. "I don't want to talk about it."

"What has the Master done?"

"Nothing. I'm fine."

"Of course you are. You're lying in bed on a Sunday afternoon with tears in your eyes like you always do. Are you under the impression that I'm stupid? Something has happened and I'm not leaving you alone until you tell me what it is. You might as well tell me now because I'll nag you until you do. What's wrong?"

Sarah began to cry in earnest and she was taken into Maggie's embrace. She cried until she was sick. Maggie held her hair back while she dry heaved over the toilet and gave Sarah a cool wet cloth when it was over.

"This isn't good for you, dear. Whatever is eating you up inside has to come out or you will make yourself sick. Tell me what happened."

Sarah pressed the wet cloth against her face with shaky hands. "I'm so tired," she said weakly. "I just can't do this anymore."

"Back into bed, dear."

She had no choice but to let Maggie help her. She couldn't have done it on her own even if she wanted to. Once between the sheets, she heard Maggie in the kitchen and numbly listened to the sound of cupboard doors and the microwave. Never in her whole life had she felt so drained and helpless.

"Here's some broth, honey. You need something in your stomach. Being dehydrated will only make you feel worse."

The smell of the broth was tempting. Sarah was quickly propped up with pillows and she held the warm liquid under her nose. It tasted wonderful and the warmth was welcoming.

"Now," Maggie said as she sat down on the bed. "Tell me what's troubling you."

It was odd to feel like she was crying and yet have dry eyes. "I think I need to find another job."

Maggie frowned. "Why?"

Sarah put her head back and closed her eyes. "Because I'm in love with Jordan."

"Isn't he in love with you?"

Her throat was tight with grief. "That's the problem."

"Being in love is a problem? I don't understand, dear."

"I can't be in love, Maggie. Not now. Not with Jordan. I just can't."

"Why ever not? If he loves you and you love him, where's the problem?"

Afraid she was going to spill the broth, Sarah shakily moved it to the nightstand and collapsed into her pillows. "I'm not ready, Maggie. I don't know anything about how to love someone. I don't know if I can be what Jordan needs."

"Ah. You're worried about meeting his needs in the dungeon. Have you talked to him about that? Do you know what it is that he needs?"

"She doesn't need me there," Sarah admitted. "She's got all of the players to keep her satisfied."

"Oh, for God's sake," Maggie grumbled. "How could the two of you not have talked about this before now? Do you really not know what Jordan does up there?"

"It's none of my business," Sarah said sadly.

"Of course it is! You love him!"

The last thing she wanted to handle was Maggie angry. Sarah reached out to take her hand. "I can't ask her to give up her other lovers and I don't think I can share her. I've tried not to think about it and I never wanted to change her. Maybe I should just go while I still can."

"Let me get this straight. You want monogamy, but you don't think Jordan is capable of it and you're afraid to ask for it. If I know you at all, you're still under the impression that you aren't good enough for Jordan under any circumstances. On top of that, you're scared to death that Jordan will want things of you in the dungeon that you just can't give. Is that all of it? Did I miss anything?"

"Isn't that enough?"

Maggie chuckled fondly and smoothed Sarah's hair from her face. "As a matter of fact, it's too much. You are laboring under some big misconceptions, dear. Most of what you're suffering from is either self-inflicted or the result of very poor communication. You really need to talk to Jordan. Nothing is as impossible as it seems."

"I can't talk to her right now."

"I've got something to say to you, and you'd better listen real hard. You are the only one who thinks you aren't good enough for Jordan. I've heard the logic and the excuses and it's all hogwash. Your fear isn't about the money or the dungeon or age. You're still listening to your parents. Stop it. Stop it right now. The two of you need each other. You gentle him and he strengthens you. I'm not saying there won't be problems and issues, but you can work them out together. You may never have another chance at the kind of love you offer each other. Don't throw it away over things that don't matter. If you've done your best and it just isn't working out, that's one thing, but to sabotage it before it begins is just stupid. You don't strike me as a stupid woman. Talk to him. Tell him everything you think and feel. Make him tell you everything in his heart. The way you feel right now, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain."

Sarah closed her eyes and began to drift. "I'm so tired."

"All right, dear. You get some sleep. This will all work out. You'll see."

It was an odd sort of sleep; hazy and unclear. She thought about getting up to turn off the television, but the drone of voices was rather familiar and somehow comforting. At one point, she was aware that someone was touching her hair. It felt really nice and she wanted to say thank you, but she just couldn't find the energy.

The weight of an arm across her middle finally roused her from the misty doze. She knew at once that it was Jordan and guilt prompted her to speak. "Oh, Jordan. I'm so sor . . ."

"Don't. Do not apologize to me, Sarah. You did nothing wrong. In fact, I should be the one apologizing to you."

Sarah went over the parking lot disaster in her mind. She turned under Jordan's arm so she could see her face. "For what?"

A smile of irony appeared briefly. "It took four days and Maggie reaming me but good to realize that I've done you a grave disservice. But first, how are you feeling? Maggie called and said you were sick."

"I just cried too much I think." Sarah frowned. "What do you mean about Maggie? What did she say to you?"

"In a nutshell? I'm a jackass. What did she say to you?"

Sarah was too happy to see Jordan to censor her words. "That I'm the only one who doesn't think I'm good enough for you. And something about being stupid, but I'm not sure if she meant that I was or wasn't. You aren't a jackass."

"Actually, I am. And you are."

Sarah pulled back in surprise. "I'm a jackass?"

Jordan smiled and pulled Sarah closer. "No. You're only one who thinks I deserve better than you."

Sarah doubted that sentiment, but she said nothing as Jordan rose up on an elbow to lean over her.

"I love you, Sarah Wylie."

Embarrassed, she looked away, but Jordan moved into her line of sight and she was captured by the intense blue eyes.

Jordan's voice was soft, but riveting. "There isn't room in me to feel anything else, little one. I love you. I am completely adrift within my love for you. I love everything about you. It is beyond my ability to imagine ever feeling even a fraction of what I feel for anyone else, even were I to live a thousand years. I love you."

Her instinct was to say something funny to ease the tension of the moment, but she couldn't think of a single thing to say. Jordan was serious. It took her a second to hear the words that came out of her mouth. "Why me?"

"I don't know, baby. I could write volumes on what I love about you, but why? I just don't know. All I know is that I do love you. Something in you touches me in a way I've never known before. It's not because you're so beautiful or smart or funny (though I love those things beyond measure). It just is. You don't have to be or do anything to deserve it. I love you precisely the way you are."

Sarah was afraid she was going to start crying again. Her fingers crept up to touch Jordan's perfect mouth and she felt the gentle kisses within her bones. "I'm not ready, Jordan."

"Well," Jordan remarked dryly, "if you think I'm going to let you go off and practice love with someone else, you can just forget it. We can learn together." She frowned abruptly. "By the way, just what is it you think I do upstairs?"

"I don't know," she admitted. "I assume you play."

Jordan sighed. "I'm the Dungeon Master, little one. Do you remember from the books what it is that DM's do?"

Sarah thought for a moment and the information came to her. "They watch everyone to make sure they are safe?"

"Exactly."

It didn't make any sense. "You don't play?"

"No," Jordan said firmly.

"Then, you aren't a player?"

"I am, but I don't play in my dungeon." Jordan shifted on her elbow to get more comfortable and rubbed Sarah's arm. "I make the rounds and check on everyone. Every once in a while, someone will ask me to evaluate their technique with a tool or device, or give them advice on how to make a binding more effective or comfortable, but for the most part, I make sure no one is being harmed, either deliberately or accidentally. Part of my duties as DM require me to occasionally touch people in sexual ways, but it's really no more sexual than a gynecological exam to a gynecologist. I'm not a participant. I'm the host. I should have explained that to you a long time ago. I'm sorry I failed to do so."

Sarah felt a profound relief mingled with sadness at the loneliness of Jordan's life. "I thought you were playing up there."

"I admit that I often get excited by what I see, but I handle that on my own after the players are gone. The only playing I've done in my dungeon has been by myself."

"It sounds lonely," Sarah said quietly.

Jordan nodded thoughtfully. "It has been, yes. I want to talk to you about this in depth, but there are other things I don't want to forget to say. First of all, you were right about me. I've had a lot of time to think these last four interminable days. I do love being a man. I love it just as much as I love being a woman. Instead of embracing that about myself, I've been resenting it because I felt it kept anyone from really knowing me, which is really stupid because it was a choice I made consciously. I've justified that choice by saying that it made other people more comfortable with me. I've come to see that I used it to keep people away. I've used it to hide from the possibility of love. Better to be unknown and unloved than to risk heartache. And then you came into my life. Not only do you see past my defenses, you seem to enjoy them. You really don't care what I am, do you?"

"No," Sarah said softly. "Or maybe it's not that I don't care, but that I like how different you are. You transcend gender and make it unimportant."

Jordan licked her lips and took a deep breath. "I want to be a man for you and a woman with you. Does that make sense?"

It sounded perfect. "Yes."

"And you're okay with me being so bizarre?"

Sarah couldn't help a smile. "It might creep me out if it were anyone else, but on you it works."

"Thank you." Jordan caressed Sarah's face and then laid back so they were face to face. "Can you tell me what happened the other day? How you were feeling?"

Sarah moved fully into Jordan's arms and laid her cheek against the smooth chest. "I think I scared myself. I didn't know I was going to say that. About . . . you know."

"That pesky four-letter L word."

"Yeah. I just couldn't talk about it then."

"All right. I understand."

The guilt was still there and Sarah had to do something to alleviate it. "I know I hurt you, Jordan. I could see it in your face."

"Don't, little one."

Sarah pulled back a little so she could look into Jordan's eyes. "I never intended to hurt you. Knowing that I did made me feel terrible, but all I could think of was getting away. I had to get away. I'm so sorry about that."

"Hush, baby. There's nothing to forgive. You had every right to ask for space and I handled it with pitiful grace. I'm the one who needs to apologize for letting you down. You always have the right to demand what you need to be healthy and happy. Always."

Sarah put her head back to Jordan's chest. "I didn't do so well this time, did I? I've missed you so much. I've been miserable."

"I've missed you, too, baby."

Jordan's hands were rubbing her back in long, slow strokes and it felt wonderful. Sarah twined a leg with Jordan's and held on. A single question burned until she had to ask it. "Am I your girlfriend?"

"Yes, baby."

It was a little frightening, but it felt good, too. "I've never been anybody's girlfriend before." Jordan began a rhythmic rocking motion with their bodies and Sarah relaxed completely. "How long until you have to go back to the house for the party?"

"I don't," Jordan answered. "I taped a sign to the front gate that it was cancelled."

"I don't have to work in the morning?"

"No."

"Thanks," she said gratefully.

"You're welcome."

Sarah's belly unexpectedly rumbled. "Sorry."

Jordan chuckled. "I think you're hungry."

"I am, but I don't want to move."

"How about I make us something to eat and you can stay right here?"

"I don't want you to move either," Sarah mumbled into her shirt. "I want to stay like this forever."

"So do I, baby, but we have to eat sometime. I'd rather do it now than have to get up in the middle of the night."

Sarah's heart beat faster and her skin prickled deliciously. "Are you going to sleep here?"

"Yes, I am."

The fact that Jordan was telling her instead of asking made her shiver with excitement. One thought jumped to the forefront. "I need to take a shower and brush my teeth."

Jordan chuckled. "All right, little one. You shower and I'll cook. Are you hungry for anything in particular?"

"Anything sounds fine."

Sarah tried to hurry, but she'd been somewhat careless in her hygiene the last few days. She had to shave her legs and armpits, and her hair really needed conditioning. She wanted to be clean for Jordan. Anticipation made her skin so sensitive it almost hurt. Her hands trembled as she brushed her teeth and blew her hair dry. Sarah hardly recognized herself in the mirror.

Wearing her robe, she stepped into the bedroom and halted. The living room coffee table was in her bedroom and was arranged with candles, soup in coffee mugs and grilled sandwiches. Jordan was a woman now, clad only in socks, boxers and her shirt. The sleeves were rolled up to reveal her forearms, but it was the long, lean legs that Sarah stared at. They went on for days. She wanted to start at Jordan's toes and work her way up.

"Food first," Jordan said in a husky voice. "Eat, before I forget myself completely."

Sarah now knew beyond a doubt that they were going to make love. The air hummed with tension and her stomach was tied in a knot. She couldn't possibly eat while she was this aroused. Reaching back, she turned off the bathroom light. The flicker of the candles was like a promise.

Sitting on pillows across from each other, Sarah forced herself to take a bite of the warm cheese sandwich. Hunger instantly overrode everything else. "Oh, my god. This is good." Jordan grinned and began to eat. Sarah could hardly eat fast enough. The tomato soup had a flavor she'd never noticed before. "This tastes different."

"Butter."

"You put butter in it?"

"Good, huh?"

"Delicious."

"Glad you like it."

Sarah reached for a second sandwich. "Do you like to cook?"

"Sometimes. I make a mean stroganoff."

"I love stroganoff."

Jordan wiped her mouth with a napkin. "Then I suggest that next Sunday, you come to my place for dinner and afterward we'll watch a movie in my theater. I have a nice selection of lesbian films and if we make out in the back row, the manager won't mind."

Sarah laughed. "I just bet he won't."

"He owes me a favor."

"I'll just bet he does."

"More soup?"

"Just a little, please."

Jordan finished eating first and left the bedroom. A few minutes later, music softly drifted into the room. It was a new age guitar CD that Sarah sometimes did her yoga to. Romance gently took center stage. Sarah put the rest of her sandwich down and carefully wiped her hands and mouth clean. Fear made her arousal quiver.

"Have you had enough to eat?"

Sarah looked up to see Jordan in the doorway, one hand unhurriedly unbuttoning the dark shirt. Her collarbones dissolved at the raw eroticism of it. "I'm a little scared."

Jordan moved closer and reached down for Sarah's hand. "Me, too, baby."

Sarah let herself be pulled to her feet and followed Jordan to the bed. The tall woman sat on the edge of it and guided Sarah between her knees. It felt strange to be taller and Sarah put her hands on Jordan's shoulders for balance. "Why are you scared?"

"I don't want to disappoint you. I want it to be perfect and I'm afraid that I won't be good enough for you."

Sarah's hands moved inside the collar of Jordan's shirt of their own volition. "That's how I feel." Warm, soft skin came alive under her fingers and Sarah sighed. "You're so soft."

"Kiss me, baby."

Kissing made the fear go away. It made vulnerability desirable and desire an aching torment. Sarah hardly noticed when her robe was opened. She was already as naked as it was possible to be. There was something graceful about the slowness with which Jordan slid her robe off and Sarah shuddered.

"It's okay, little one," Jordan whispered into her mouth.

Sarah could hardly breathe as strong hands began to gently explore her. Up her legs to cup her backside; feather touches in the small of her back; a slow caress over her belly; fanning out over her shoulder blades; sliding over her shoulders to gently cradle her breasts. Sarah was usually quiet during sex, but she moaned as Jordan's thumbs brushed her nipples and unhinged her knees. "I need to lay down."

"Not yet, baby."

Not one to give up easily, Sarah opted to sit. Kneeling on either side of Jordan's hips, she sat on the long legs and tried to ignore the electric touch on her breasts as her hands pushed the cotton shirt over Jordan's shoulders. She was not at all disappointed in what she revealed. Jordan's breasts were smaller than her own, but they had a nice full shape and the erect nipples were more brown than pink. She could almost taste them. "Beautiful," she said reverently.

Jordan's hands lowered to Sarah's hips and pulled her closer, her mouth recapturing Sarah's in a hungry kiss. The feel of skin on skin was almost unbearable. Sarah wrapped her arms around the broad shoulders and pressed herself into the silken warmth. Nothing had ever felt quite like this.

Distracted by the delicious mouth claiming her own, Sarah wasn't aware that she was being moved until she found herself on her back. Jordan pulled away from their kiss and brushed Sarah's hair from her face.

"If there's anything you don't want, don't be afraid to tell me. I'll stop if you ask me to."

Sarah ran her fingers through the dark hair above her. "I don't want you to stop."

"If you change your mind..."

Smiling, Sarah ran her fingertips over Jordan's full lips. They begged for more kisses. "Come here."

Kissing Jordan always made her feel a bit delirious. The feel of Jordan's soft skin along her length made it even more intense. Sarah couldn't get enough. Her hands stroked, pulled and kneaded everything she could reach as she licked and sucked at Jordan's mouth. The need for air became secondary to her need to crawl inside of Jordan and become a part of her.

Sarah groaned in protest as Jordan's mouth left hers. She groaned again as Jordan kissed down her throat. It felt like butterfly kisses and made her shiver from the inside out.

"Relax, baby. This is going to take a while."

"No, now. I want you."

Jordan chuckled deep in her throat and continued her torturous pace. It was driving Sarah mad. Her nipples were so hard they felt like they would shatter and Jordan was kissing around them. Sarah shifted her breast to Jordan's mouth only to have Jordan move away.

"Jordan...I need you."

"I know."

"Please?"

Jordan lifted her head, fingers softly teasing the undersides of Sarah's breasts. "Are you even aware of how perfect you are?"

The husky depth of Jordan's voice gave her goosebumps.

"Let me love you, baby. Let me show you how you make me feel."

Sarah melted at the love she saw shining in her lover's eyes. "If this is how I make you feel, it's a wonder you haven't gone mad."

Jordan smiled. "Just relax, little one. Feel me."

Sarah closed her eyes and reveled in sensation. Gentle fingers stroked, teased and tickled her in places she'd never noticed before. Fingers were followed by hot kisses and tender bites. The inside of her elbows, the back of her knees, the center of her back, behind her ears, the back of her neck; Jordan brought them to life for her.

By the time Jordan's lips found her nipples, Sarah was awash in ecstacy. She clutched at the dark head, curling around it as icy fire streamed through her body. "Oh God, yes. A little harder...ooooh."

To Sarah's delight, Jordan loved her breasts and nipples until it felt like she was going to come. Her entire body was tense and trembling. "Please, Jordan...oh God. Please."

"Anything, baby."

Sarah watched as Jordan kissed down her belly, breathless with need. She laid her head back and prepared herself for the first touch of Jordan's mouth on her sex. To her surprise, she felt a brief kiss on her furred lips and then Jordan was beside her. Sarah surprised herself with a shuddering moan as Jordan's large hand slid between her legs.

"Is this what you want?"

Sarah nodded desperately.

"Open up for me, baby. Give me some room to play."

Sarah threw one leg over Jordan's hip, letting the other fall wide. Long fingers slid over her clit and Sarah rose to them.

"That's it, baby," Jordan crooned. "You feel so good. So wet and hot. Is this for me?"

Sarah could hardly breathe. Talking was out of the question. Threading her fingers through Jordan's hair, she opened her eyes to her lover, hoping that Jordan would see how strong her feelings were.

Jordan hummed, a smile resting on her lips. "I love your clitoris. I can feel her, rising to me, hard and slick. Is this what you like?"

Sarah rocked her hips against the maddening touch. She wanted to come and she wanted it to never end. Sarah held on as a single finger slipped inside of her, curled up behind her clit, then pulled out to stroke the sensitive tip.

She could feel her orgasm coming and she gasped for air.

"Let go, baby. I'm right here. I've got you. So beautiful..."

Sarah squeezed her thighs together, trapping Jordan's hand as she shuddered to a warm and comforting release.

It was not the most powerful or most intense orgasm she had ever experienced, but it was the only one to ever bring Sarah to tears. No one had ever taken so much time giving her pleasure or looked at her with such love as she dissolved into bliss. She cried for a few minutes within the circle of Jordan's strong arms.

"Thank you," Jordan purred.

"I think I should be thanking you. You're going to get pretty tired of me crying on you."

"Not when it's the result of making love, little one. It's the greatest compliment of all. You're so responsive. I loved how you were and how soft you are now. You're so incredibly lovely."

Needing a moment to recover, Sarah curled into the safety of Jordan's chest. "It's like you knew how to touch me."

"You made it easy, baby. Your breath, the little sounds you made, your hands; I just listened to your responses. They told me what to do."

She knew what Jordan was saying. It was something she had done herself. She just hadn't known that she was so easy to read. There was one thing she wasn't sure about though. "When you started to go down on me, why did you stop?"

"You started to tense up. I got the impression that you don't like that. Was I wrong?"

This was Sarah's shameful secret; the one she had never shared with another lover. It felt okay to tell Jordan about it now. "I want to like it, but I never do. I like doing it, but it doesn't work for me."

"Can you tell me why?"

Sarah took a deep breath. "It hurts."

"Ah. Lesbian myth number one strikes again."

Sarah lay back so she was face to face with Jordan. "What is it?"

Jordan's smile was tender. "That lesbians automatically know how to do cunnilingus. That it's somehow second nature to us. It is so not true."

"Do you know how?"

"I've done it, but I don't instinctively know how your body likes it. Everyone is different. It sounds to me like you might need a slower approach and a gentler touch. Someday, if you want to experiment, I'd be happy to work with you on it. I take instruction very well and I promise it won't bruise my ego if you hate it. But, if you don't want to try it, that's okay, too."

Reassured, Sarah could clearly see that Jordan was aroused. Slipping a thigh between the long legs, she smiled at the hitch in Jordan's breathing. Maybe now she would finally get a chance to do some exploring of her own. All of her previous attempts had been subverted. "Do you like having it done to you?"

"Very much," Jordan moaned as her hips began to gently rock.

Sarah was enjoying the moment. "And how do you like it?"

"I like to be sucked. Soft at first, then harder. And licking the tip."

She was surprised to be receiving such explicit instructions. It was nice to know right from the start what would please her lover. Sarah tentatively pushed at Jordan's shoulder to lay her back on the bed and was pleased that there was no resistance. Running her fingertips over a dark nipple, she was rewarded with a breathless moan.

"I like that," Jordan whispered, her eyes dark with desire.

Smiling, Sarah began tracing circles on the pale flesh. Jordan was watching her raptly. "Maybe I'll take my time with you. Like you did with me."

"I'm all yours, baby."

Sarah took Jordan at her word. The wonder of having Jordan open and naked to her touch consumed her. Jordan was responsive to her like no one had ever been. She was very verbal about what she liked, offering suggestions and praise equally. Jordan guided Sarah's lovemaking freely with her hands, her voice and her body. Sarah felt like she was losing herself in the journey. The pleasure she gave came back to her with shocking intensity. She could not have said who was experiencing the greater pleasure. When she finally settled between Jordan's long legs with her mouth, it was like coming home. The taste, the texture, the sounds Jordan was making; it had been years since she had done this without a latex barrier and it completely overwhelmed her. Jordan's orgasm took Sarah along for the ride.

"Stop, baby, stop."

Spent, Sarah lay her head on one quivering thigh. Never had she felt so much a part of someone. Giving pleasure had never made her come before. Sarah placed her hand over the thick curls and could feel the spasms continuing in the hot flesh. "That was amazing."

"Oh, God," Jordan panted. "Come up here, little one. I need to hold you."

It took an effort she didn't think she had to spare, but Sarah wormed her way into Jordan's embrace. They held each other tightly, only gradually relaxing.

"I didn't expect that," Jordan finally said. "You wiped me out."

Sarah smiled proudly. "Not for good, I hope."

Jordan chuckled warmly. "Almost. You have the sweetest mouth. Has anyone ever told you that?"

Her smile faltered as she remembered. "I'm usually getting dressed by now. If they thought so, I wasn't there to hear it."

"Good."

"What?"

"I'm glad you weren't like this with anyone else. None of them had with you what I'm feeling right now."

Sarah pushed herself up on an elbow and stared down at Jordan. "Does it bother you that I was with so many women?"

"No. I've been with quite a few myself."

It looked like Jordan was telling the truth and it pulled honesty from deep within Sarah. "It bothers me. It seems so . . . indiscriminate."

"A lot of my past feels the same way to me. I'm not proud of it. But, I'm proud of this. Of us. It's a start."

Sarah put her hand to Jordan's face in a slow caress. "You are so beautiful."

"I'm glad you think so."

Sarah laid her head down on Jordan's shoulder. "I've always thought so. From the very first moment we met. I sure never thought we'd ever be like this though. Did you?"

"Not consciously, no." Jordan's arms tightened for a moment and then her hands began to stroke Sarah's back. "You know what surprised me? You're a virgin."

"No, I'm not."

"You've never been with a man."

"True," she conceded.

"I like that. I like it a lot."

"Why?"

"I'm not sure. Maybe I feel like you're somehow cleaner. More pure."

Sarah rolled her eyes privately. "Have you been with a man?"

"Yes."

"What's it like?"

Jordan was silent for nearly a minute. "It usually made me feel superfluous. I'm not talking strictly about the act, but the attitude with which it is done. Even when they tried to focus on giving me pleasure, it was for their own purposes. Men don't just give pleasure. They take it at the same time. The glut of medications on the market for impotency prove that a man won't give pleasure unless there's pleasure in it for him. I didn't like feeling like my ultimate function was to be used like that. Besides which, they smell funny, their skin is too hard and they can't kiss for shit."

Sarah laughed. "I just can't picture you with a man."

"It wasn't pretty. Have you ever been tempted?"

"Only by you." Jordan's caresses hesitated briefly and then continued. Sarah waited for a verbal response that didn't come. Gathering her courage, she added, "I think about it a lot. What it would feel like with you. To have you inside of me like that."

Jordan smoothly rolled Sarah to her back and looked at her through serious eyes. Her mouth opened, closed, and opened again. "Taking your virginity...I don't know if I could do it."

Sarah spread her legs and shifted Jordan between them. Lifting her hips with a hiss of enjoyment, she whispered, "Even if I begged you to?"

Jordan responded immediately, pushing back into Sarah. She nodded slowly, her breath deepening. "I'll think about it."

Sarah arched her back into the body that hovered over her. Desire swarmed under her skin like bees on a hot summer's day. Pulling her knees up, she wrapped her legs around the slender waist. "Make me come, Jordan."

The powerful woman took her with a growl.

~***~

Sarah raced home from school on Monday, straight into Jordan's arms. "It's a good thing I recorded my lectures," she said after they made love. "All I thought about all day was you. I don't remember anything."

Jordan smiled lazily, her hand tracing random designs on Sarah's belly. "I took a shower. That was about it."

"Is it supposed to be like this? Feeling like I can't ever get enough of you?"

"Yes."

"For how long?"

"It's hard to say. Months or years at least."

Sarah pulled Jordan's leg into her center with a satisfied groan. "I'm going to flunk out of school. I just know it."

Jordan propped her head on her hand. "No, you won't. I won't let you."

Sarah raised an eyebrow. "You won't let me?"

Grinning, Jordan twiddled an imaginary moustache. "I am the Master, you know. I have ways of making you study."

"Oh, I can't wait to hear this. What's this brilliant plan of yours?"

"If you don't study, I'll spank you."

Stunned, Sarah sat up and pushed Jordan's leg off of her. "You wouldn't dare."

Jordan lay back on the bed and put her hands behind her head. "Relax, baby. I was just kidding."

"It wasn't funny."

"You're right. I'm sorry. I would never spank you as a punishment."

"What's that supposed to mean?" she demanded indignantly.

"Spanking should be a reward. If it's given in response to bad behavior, it's just thinly veiled violence. Most tops would disagree with me, but that's how I feel about it."

Sarah's outrage took a back seat to her curiosity. "How do you handle bad behavior then?"

"Meaningless chores. Writing sentences. Time outs. Worst case scenario, the cold shoulder. Giving any sort of attention to a misbehaving submissive is a slippery slope. I prefer instead to consistently reward good behavior. I can do the 'you've been a very bad girl' routine in a scene of limited duration, but it's not really my style."

Sarah crossed her legs and pulled a corner of the sheet over her lap. "Do you think of me as your submissive?"

"I would hardly call you submissive," Jordan said with a smile. "Deliciously yielding, at times, yes, but not submissive."

Lowering her eyes, she picked at the edge of the sheet. "Do you wish I was more submissive?"

"Not particularly. There are moments with you when I can feel you surrendering control to me. Those moments are doubly precious because of their rarity and they fulfill my needs in that area. As exciting as those moments are to me, I prefer you strong and feisty."

Propping her elbows on her knees, Sarah put her chin in her hands. "I figured you for the type that would want a slave."

Jordan sighed comfortably. "I admit that the idea holds some appeal for me, but I'd much rather have a woman who calls me a dope and a pig. When a woman like that temporarily surrenders even a little bit of her power into my keeping, it's a beautiful thing."

"Is it enough for you?"

"It's more than I had reason to hope for, baby."

Sarah dropped one hand to Jordan's thigh. It was easier to talk when she was touching her. "I read those books. They said that playing wasn't something you could give up. I worry that you're giving up too much for me."

Jordan reached down with one hand to lace fingers with Sarah. "I gave most of it up a long time ago, Sarah. You aren't taking me away from anything. You're giving me my dreams. Please don't worry that you aren't giving me what I need. It's just not true."

Sarah couldn't quite accept that as final. "You wouldn't have the dungeon if you didn't have needs centered around it."

"Are you asking if I want to play with you there?"

"Maybe I am."

"What if I said I did? How would you feel about that?"

"I'm not sure. I guess it would depend on what you wanted to do there."

Jordan sat up and crossed her legs so they were knee to knee. "There's a huge difference between fantasy and reality. You can have fantasies that give you a lot of satisfaction and never want to live them out. Do I have fantasies of you and I in the dungeon? Of course I do. They're fun to think about, but I don't have to do them to enjoy the fantasy. Maybe, if I'm very lucky, we'll eventually live out a few of those fantasies in private, but I don't require an audience for them. The intensity of what I feel with you would make me feel more vulnerable in front of the players than I think I want to endure. I trust you with my heart, but I don't want to put it on display. However, just because we may not play at one of the parties, doesn't mean that we can't enjoy them together. Do you have any desire at all just to watch one of the parties?"

"You would let me do that?"

Jordan nodded. "I would love to have you with me at a party. There's usually dancing, you know. We'd have to get you set up with some sort of costume, but you might really like it."

"What kind of things can I expect to see?"

"I can pretty much guarantee that someone will be having sex. Maybe even several couples. You can watch or not. Partial and even complete nudity is a given. Odds are good that someone will get spanked before the night is over, but only if the sub requested it earlier. You might even get to see some slaves."

Sarah took a deep breath. "I have a couple of concerns."

"Okay. Let's talk about them."

"Mostly I'm afraid that someone will touch me or ask me to play with them."

Jordan shook her head in denial. "It won't happen. No one will try to touch you without your express verbal consent. As for asking you to play, that won't happen if I keep you close to me. The players will automatically assume that you belong to me for the night. Dungeon etiquette is such that any inquiries about you will have to go through me. It would be an affront for one of them to speak to you without my permission. You would not even have to act particularly submissive for the courtesy to stand. And if you want to join in a conversation, I'll just smile and they'll think I'm indulging you."

That didn't sound so bad to her. "The other thing is that don't most of them sort of know who I am? What are they going to think if you show up with the cleaning girl?"

Jordan smiled with wry amusement. "It would probably make my reputation for the next year."

"Be serious. What will they think? Will it cause problems for you?"

Jordan shrugged. "I would imagine surprise would be the main thing. They'll be very curious about you. After all, I've been the reclusive, celibate bachelor all the time they've known me. I expect that by dawn the next day, all of the players will be talking about it."

"What will they say?"

"If they know what's good for them, they'll be happy for me. Better yet, they won't say anything at all. Ultimately, I don't care. The only opinion I care about is yours. Are you seriously considering coming to a party?"

Sarah bit her lip uneasily. "Yes."

"Is it to watch me or is there another reason?"

She felt almost sick with nerves. "Maggie said I should tell you everything I think and feel."

"You must know that I want to hear anything you've a mind to say."

"I'm kind of afraid to hear myself say it."

"Come here, baby." Jordan pulled Sarah's legs around her hips and lifted her into her lap. "Talk to me."

Sarah put her arms around Jordan and let the blessed feeling of connection fill her. She could do anything when she felt this. "I want you to do things to me."

Jordan began to rock slowly. "What things?"

"Things from the books," she admitted. "I filled out one of those lists."

"A play list?"

Sarah could almost see the list of dungeon activities in her mind's eye. "Yes."

"All right. Do you want to show it to me?"

Burying her face in Jordan's hair, she nodded. "But, I'm afraid."

Jordan's arms tightened. "I know, baby, but you don't need to be. Whatever it is you want me to do, I want you to enjoy it. I'll do everything I can to make it good for you. The last thing I want is for you to be afraid to ask for what you want. I'm glad you told me."

"Jordan?"

"Yes, baby?"

"What do you want to do to me?"

"Hmm. Is bondage on your list?"

Sarah's entire body tightened with need. Sucking air through her teeth, she pressed her groin into Jordan's belly. "Yes," she hissed.

"Ahh," Jordan groaned. Her hands kneaded Sarah's back roughly. "That's what I want. To tie you to the bed and torment you with ecstacy."

Sarah tilted Jordan's head back and kissed her hungrily. She sucked at the generous mouth as her body was lowered to the bed and Jordan covered her. Her hands were forced over her head and Jordan held them there with one hand. Sarah cried out her pleasure as Jordan's other hand slipped between her legs. It was so good. More quickly than she would have thought possible, Sarah slipped into ecstacy.

"You're mine," Jordan growled possessively. "Mine."

Sarah's hands were released and she moved them to the dark head, holding Jordan close. The feelings inside of her were too brilliant to verbalize. Sarah could only hold onto her lover and let her emotions sing.

~***~

"I've got good news and bad news."

Sarah dropped her pack by the door and started to remove her winter layers. Jordan was sitting on the couch with the play list Sarah had left with her that morning. "What's the bad news?"

Jordan dropped her head back on the sofa. "I want a kiss first."

Sarah leaned over intending to give her a quick kiss, but it wasn't that simple. Her lips lingered until her toes began to tingle. Tangling her fingers in the short hair, Sarah indulged herself. If she was going to hear bad news, she wanted the memory of that kiss to buffer her.

"Welcome home, little one," Jordan murmured with a smile.

Sarah smiled back and pulled her sweater off. "So, what's the bad news?"

"You need to redo your list. Or at least, clarify a few things."

The sweatshirt was next. "Why?"

"For starters, you put down a yes on cunnilingus. If you don't like it, but you're willing to try it at some point, you should have put a maybe."

"Why? I'm not against it. I just don't usually enjoy it."

"Then, you should say that. My concern is that you have things on here that you'll let me do, but not because you necessarily want them. The point of the list is to tell me what you like, what you won't do and what you might do under the right circumstances. If I didn't know you, I would assume that you wanted me to go down on you without discussion first. This list isn't about what I want. It's about what you want."

Sarah kicked off her shoes and brushed her hair back with her fingers. "Okay. This conversation is a little strange for just having walked in the door. I need something to drink. Do you want anything?"

"No, thank you."

Picking up a scrunchy off the kitchen counter, Sarah tied her hair back and opened the fridge. Her belly asked for orange juice, but she grabbed a wine cooler instead. She hadn't been thinking much of anything when she had opened the front door, but jumping right into a discussion on playing had thrown her off kilter.

"Sorry about that."

Sarah jumped. Jordan was right behind her. "Don't sneak up on me like that."

Jordan cocked her head thoughtfully. "Did you have a bad day at school?"

"No."

"Do you want me to come back later?"

Sarah moved to the other side of the kitchen and leaned back against the counter. She was half tempted to say yes. "No."

Looking confused, Jordan ran a hand through her hair. "Are you angry with me?"

"Should I be?"

The rugged face shut down. "I don't want to play this game. If you're mad, say so. I can handle you being upset, but don't mock me with it."

Sarah's heart hurt, but she couldn't stop herself. "Maybe you should go. I've got a lot of studying to do."

Jordan nodded. "All right. Call me later if you want to talk."

Sarah consoled herself with her drink while she listened to Jordan dress for the cold and walk out the front door. She wasn't sure what had just happened and she didn't want to think about it. Retrieving her pack, she sat down at her desk and opened her books.

It took over three hours for her mad to dissipate and then she realized that what she felt was hurt. Another hour passed before she felt ready to talk about it. Clicking on the Messenger icon on the computers Start bar, she saw that Jordan was online. Sarah opened the text box and started to type.

Littleone777: Are you mad at me?

The response came back right away.

Mastercrisp99: I'm confused.

Littleone777: You hurt my feelings.

Mastercrisp99: That wasn't my intention. What did I do?

Sarah brushed a tear from her cheek before explaining.

Littleone777: Admitting all of that stuff to you and to myself was like ripping my heart out and then I walk in the door and you tell me I did it wrong. Making that list was really hard. Giving it to you was even harder. I know that you didn't mean to hurt my feelings, but you did. Maybe I'm being too sensitive, but I'm doing the best I can. I'm sorry if I'm acting like a baby.

Hitting Send, Sarah waited anxiously for a response.

Mastercrisp99: I'm so sorry, Sarah. You're not being too sensitive and you're not acting like a baby. I'm a jerk. I've seen so many lists over the years and I forgot that you aren't one of my players. I dived into it as the DM and not as your lover. You have every right to be mad at me. What can I do to make it up to you?

Sarah felt a little bit better now.

Littleone777: I'm not mad anymore.

Mastercrisp99: Would it help if I came over and groveled for your forgiveness?

The image made Sarah smile a little.

Littleone777: You don't need to do that. If you come down, you'll kiss me or touch me and make everything all right.

Mastercrisp99: And that would be bad?

Littleone777: No, but I don't think I'm done pouting yet. Maybe tomorrow?

Mastercrisp99: It's a date.

Littleone777: By the way, what was the good news?

Mastercrisp99: We have a high degree of compatibility.

Littleone777: That sounds good.

Mastercrisp99: It is, if I can get my head out of my ass.

Sarah laughed out loud. Even from a distance, Jordan had a knack for making everything all right.

Littleone777: Do you have any special instructions on how to fix the list? I'm done studying and there's nothing to watch on TV so I'm going to go over it.

It was several minutes before Jordan answered her.

Mastercrisp99: I just emailed you my list. Note that all of the things we both said we don't want to do are at the end. If you print it out, you can delete my remarks and write your own, then send it back to me when you're done. I cannot stress enough that my list should not influence yours. The whole point is to be honest about what we want and then compare the lists to see where we're in sync. You can, however, tell me on your list how you felt about mine. The better I understand how you think and feel, the better I can be for you.

Sarah opened her mailbox and found Jordan's list. She chewed absently on a thumbnail as she read the first few lines.

Age play: I do much better playing daddy to an infant than a juvenile. This is not my strong suit in role-playing games, though it can be interesting. I should mention that if you want to do this, I will not include sex in the scene. It gives me the creeps.

Anal play: I love this. There is nothing more intimate or personal. Very intense both to give and receive. I'm very good at this.

Animal play: I never really understood the desire to feel like an animal or to treat someone like one. I can do it, but I don't really get anything out of it. Ditto on the sex restriction from Age Play.

Bisexual play: I'm kind of a unique case, don't you think? I've been with men and don't want to do it again. While I can't tell you what to do with your life or your body, I can't be a part of you being with one.

Mastercrisp99: Sarah?

Blinking at the window, Sarah realized she'd forgotten Jordan was waiting.

Littleone777: Sorry. I was reading your list. I think I understand what you want me to do.

Mastercrisp99: Good. I'm going to work for a while. If you have any questions or just want to talk, I'll be here.

Littleone777: Thanks.

Minimizing the Messenger window, Sarah went back to reading.

Body modification: For the most part, this is a big NO. Exceptions: tattoos can be sexy, though I would not ask you to get one. If you do it on your own, don't do my name. It would upset me. Also, you should know that I am licensed by the State as a piercer. I do all the players. If it's something that interests you, I'll negotiate what I'm willing to pierce. For myself? Big needle phobia. No tats or holes in this body.

Sarah opened the window to Jordan.

Littleone777: Will you pierce my ears? I've always wanted to do it. First I couldn't afford it and lately I haven't gotten around to it.

Mastercrisp99: Sure.

Littleone777: When?

Mastercrisp99: Tomorrow after school?

Littleone777: Cool.

Body worship: I'm all over this one.

Bondage: Probably my very favorite thing in the whole world of BDSM. I've studied it extensively and enjoy both movement restriction and purely decorative bondage. I'm willing to discuss this with you at length.

Clips and Clamps: I enjoy using these. I am even willing to let you use them on me within reason. I find they generally enhance the sensual experience.

Corsets: Basically a form of breath control which I do not normally endorse. Overuse is something I find very unattractive, but I think I'd enjoy seeing you in one from time to time for purely visual reasons.

Cross dressing: I will not wear a dress. This is not negotiable. You'd look cute as a boy though. We could do the gay bars. Might be fun.

Sarah had to smile at the thought of Jordan in a dress. A stranger image was hard to come up with and she didn't think she'd be believable as a boy.

Daddy/Daddy's girl: this one goes hand in hand with Mommy/Mommy's girl. It's a sexual game and I'm not fond of it. Minus the sexual connotations, it's doable.

Discipline: This is a large category. I like spanking-either with my hand or with a tool. It makes me very excited to spank a woman who enjoys it. I'm cheating here because I read your list earlier. You put a maybe by it. The possibility that you might let me do it is a turn on for me. On the other hand, I worry that you'll hate it and hate me for doing it. I'd like to suggest tabling this for a while. The other part of discipline relates to Slave Training. I'll write more later.

Exhibitionism: When I was younger, I enjoyed this. There is a special fear to baring your body in front of others that is exquisitely arousing. In order to protect my cover, I've not savored this for years. When I think about playing in the dungeon, this is the part I miss the most. As for you, if it's something you someday want to do, I'd very much enjoy being there. I would love the opportunity to display you.

Sarah took a deep breath. It wasn't something she thought she could do in real life, but she did fantasize about it. She could picture Jordan in her tuxedo and herself-very naked-on Jordan's arm. Maybe wearing high heels and some modest jewelry, but nothing else. Sarah thought she might understand the 'special fear' that Jordan mentioned. Just thinking about that fantasy brought it on. The fact that Jordan could very easily arrange to have that fantasy come true only made the feeling stronger.

Fantasies: I'm totally flexible in this area. Tell me what you want and I'll do it.

Fisting: I understand why this was on your NO list, but it's something I've always wanted to experience. Your hands are quite small and I think, with some practice, I could take one inside of me. I was uncertain if your NO was just for you or if it was for me, too. I'd like to talk about it sometime.

Making a fist, Sarah imagined what it would be like. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt Jordan in the process, but if it could be done, she was willing.

Furniture training: I already have furniture and it didn't need any training.

Sarah laughed. She'd put a maybe beside it only because it didn't sound all that dangerous. Knowing how Jordan felt about it made it possible to admit that it hadn't interested her at all.

Group scenes: In front of a group? Possibly. With a group? Not if it means I have to suffer anyone else touching you. (I probably should have mentioned that I don't want to share you with anyone. I'm feeling very possessive about you.)

Hot wax: It can be fun if you don't mind cleaning up afterwards. The same goes for food and sex.

Leather: As you've probably noticed, I love leather. I like the way it smells and feels and looks. I'm curious as to how you feel about it. Would love to get you some leather clothes. Maybe one of those short skirts and a leather jacket. Grrr.

Lingerie: Do boxers count if they're made of silk or satin? I do love a woman in lingerie though. Another thing I'd like to fill your closet with.

Masturbation: Yum! I'd love to watch you and would love to watch you watching me.

Pain: This is another category I suggest we table for a while. There are so many fun things we can do. If we play with clips and clamps and you enjoy it, we'll revisit this subject.

Safe words: I know you've read about these. You need to choose one. It can be used at any time and I will stop whatever we are doing. Don't ever be afraid to stop me. In the dungeon, the safe word is RED. My personal safe word is PHOENIX.

Shaving: Fun, fun, fun. Shave or be shaved, that is the question. I've got a straight razor and I know how to use it. I'd love to prove it.

Slave training: We talked about this the other day, but I've been holding back some. While I do not desire a 24/7 slave at this point in my life, I would be interested in giving you some training. (Do I need to remind you that even this is negotiable?) For me, slave training is about control. I would occasionally like to feel that I have the right to control you. I'd like to be able to give you an order and have you carry it out. I'd like to have you kneel at my feet now and then. I'd like to have you in the dungeon as my slave for the night. The fact that you are so strong and brave would make your willing submission almost unbearably exciting. More so because I am so completely unable to do it myself. I can not bend my knee to anyone. I've never been able to do it. I can open my heart to you without reservation, but don't ask me to kneel. Maybe that's why I find submission so erotic. As for discipline in training, it is necessary. I'm not one for punishment with the strap, but during a training session, discipline is crucial to making the 'slave' understand what the Master wants and expects. It's about getting the slave's mind into the proper space. I can not tell you what the slave gets out of it. I've read the books, too, but it's not something I understand in my gut. If it's something you want to do with me, you'll either experience it or you won't. If not, then it's not for us. As I believe I mentioned before, there are moments when I can feel your surrender of control to me and those moments are all I require from you in this area. If we explore this further, it will be to satisfy a need within you.

Toys: I've got just about every toy devised. If you want to play with one, let me know. I would occasionally be willing to be on the receiving end as well. Remember that it's not about the toy. It's about making each other feel good.

Other: As you have no doubt noticed, my list is considerably shorter than yours was. There are about 50 subcategories for bondage alone. It's not strictly necessary for you to answer every single one. We are not strangers negotiating a scene in the dungeon. We're lovers. If I tie you up, be assured that you'll have a say in every step of it. I eliminated a lot of the pain categories. I'm very uneasy about initiating pain into our love life at this point. We'll talk about it when and if you ever feel like you need it. Feel free to add anything I've left out that you want to talk about. Keep in mind that as time goes by, we may add or subtract things on our lists. Nothing is carved in stone. We're just establishing a starting point. Talking about all of this doesn't commit you to anything, even if it's something you want to do.

Sarah had only glanced at the NO list tagged onto the end. Now, she printed a copy and re-read the whole thing. Not knowing what Jordan felt about these things had been a difficulty she was only now aware of. Rather than feeling that she was going to be influenced by Jordan's list, she felt freed by it.

Littleone777: Thank you for your list. It's helped me a lot. I think I needed to know your answers before I could be honest about my own.

Mastercrisp99: Glad to be of help. About earlier. I was terribly insensitive. I'm really sorry about that. Can you forgive me?

Smiling, Sarah replied.

Littleone777: Of course. I think I'm over my pout. I'm sorry it took so long for me to figure out what I was feeling. Can you forgive me?

Mastercrisp99: Done.

Littleone777: Is this the part where we kiss and make up?

Mastercrisp99: I would very much like it to be.

Happy again, Sarah typed in a response and sent it.

Littleone777: I'll be naked by the time you get here. Don't knock.

Mastercrisp99: I wasn't going to.

Laughing, Sarah turned off her computer and raced for the bedroom.

~***~

"Do they sting at all?"

"No. They just feel warm." Sarah could feel the weight of the studs in her ears. It wasn't much, but she was very conscious of them. The first one had made her jump because of the sound of the gun going off, but it hadn't really hurt at all.

"If they start to sting, tell me right away. These are hypo-allergenic, but stinging could mean an infection. Once they're healed, you can try other metals. Some people are allergic to gold or silver. If you are, they'll start to sting right away."

A strange feeling was growing in Sarah. "I feel like I've been . . . tagged as yours."

Jordan took off her latex gloves with a snap and a smile. "I feel a little like that, too."

"I like it," she admitted.

"So do I."

"How much do I owe you for the studs?"

"A kiss ought to cover it."

Sarah made it worth Jordan's investment and then went to a mirror to see the results. Sure enough, she had earrings. Turning her head this way and that, she studied them. "I have to leave them in for a month?"

"About that. I'll keep an eye on them and let you know when you can start changing them."

Sarah turned and smiled at Jordan. "Thank you."

"You're welcome, baby."

"I want to show Maggie. I'll be right back."

As their cottages were so close together, Sarah didn't bother to dress for the weather. Running lightly through the snow, she knocked on Maggie's door. It was opened in moments. "Look what Jordan did," she said as she stepped inside the warm house.

Maggie peered closely. "How pretty. You have nice ears for earrings."

Sarah fingered her lobes gingerly. "I always wanted to get my ears pierced. It's cool that Jordan can do it. Getting it done at the mall always seemed kind of weird."

"Do you have earrings?"

"Only these."

Maggie smiled. "Then I've got a pair for you to start your collection."

"You don't have to do that."

"Heavens, dear, I know that. Don't be silly."

Maggie fetched a jewelry box from her bedroom and they sat on the couch to go through it. The contents were not organized at all, but Sarah was surprised at how much there was. "Wow. You've got some really nice stuff, Maggie." She lifted a strand free of the tangle. "Are these real pearls?"

"Cultured ones, yes. They were grown. Now, this one is the real thing."

She lifted a strand free and laid it over her hand. It was beautiful.

"This was my grandmother's," Maggie explained. "It was given to her on her 16th birthday by her parents. She gave it to my mother on her wedding day and it came to me after she died. Someday, it will be yours."

"No," Sarah breathed. "You can't give that away."

"Not just yet, dear, but it's a family heirloom. It's meant to be passed along. Someday you'll pass it on, too."

Sarah thought she might cry. "I'd rather have you than a necklace."

Maggie put a hand to Sarah's cheek. "Aren't you sweet."

"Don't die, okay?"

Maggie made a rude noise. "Every one does it, dear, but I'm good for another ten or fifteen years. There's plenty of time to worry about that later." Putting the necklace back in the box, she searched through the precious metals and gems.

Sarah forced herself to let go of her fear for Maggie's eventual demise. There wasn't a lot she could do about it right now.

"I love these."

The tear drop opals were exquisite. The more Sarah looked at them, the more alive they seemed inside. "These are gorgeous."

"I got them a few years ago on a trip to Australia. They cost an arm and a leg, but I just couldn't leave without them."

Between Maggie's memories and appreciating the beautiful jewelry, Sarah lost track of time. Two hours passed in a blink of the eye. With her new antique diamond earrings in her hand, Sarah pressed Maggie to come over for dinner. It was the least she could do for the gift of jewelry and Maggie had been left out a lot lately. Inviting her for dinner made Sarah feel better.

The radio was on and Jordan was sound asleep on the sofa.

"Isn't he cute?" Maggie crooned.

Sarah thought so, too, but said nothing.

"Looks like you've worn him out."

"Maggie," she hissed in embarrassment.

The old woman chuckled knowingly. "I think it's wonderful, dear. Can I help you cook?"

Sarah decided on stir-fry. She had a lot of individual ingredients, but not enough to serve three people separately. Maggie sat at the counter to chop vegetables while Sarah started the chicken and rice. An old Stevie Wonder song came on and Sarah started to dance. Only a little, but she felt too much happiness to hold it in and the dancing helped. Maggie was smiling at her and Jordan was sleeping in the living room. It just didn't get any better.

The dancing was addictive. Sarah incorporated it into her cooking, feeling sexy and free and playful. Her inhibitions evaporated and she gyrated to the beat. Maggie's head began to bob and Sarah laughed. Maggie liked Prince!

Putting the rice on simmer, Sarah reached for Maggie's hand. "Dance with me?"

Maggie set the knife aside with a grin. "I'd love to."

Prince segued into Def Leppard and Sarah turned it on, her hips and shoulders getting into it with abandon. And then, Jordan was there with her, their bodies flirting and enticing. Jordan could move! They danced all the time, but not like this. Ballroom dancing was terribly erotic in its fluid precision, but this was raw passion and it drank Sarah in. The fact that Maggie was watching only fueled Sarah's wantonness. She wanted to be seen with Jordan like this. Having a witness made it real.

The song ended as Jordan kissed her and Sarah melted under the eager lips. Now she was embarrassed. Sarah pulled back with a shy smile. "I need to check the rice."

Jordan let her go with a smile and turned to Maggie. "I saw you making the moves on my girl."

"You snooze, you lose," Maggie shrugged.

Jordan threw her head back with a laugh and reached for Maggie. "Let's dance, old woman."

Sarah watched them happily. They were doing some old fifties dance step to Eric Clapton and Jordan oozed gentleness in the way she handled the fragile woman. There was love in the room and Sarah ached with it. Was this what family was supposed to mean? How did people take this for granted? It was marvelous!

Continued...