After All This Time
By Bella Taggart
Part 10/?
It had been hours; hours of sitting in silent agony, trying to look strong for her father. Hours of waiting to hear any news, her breath catching in her throat each and every time someone walked down the hallway towards her; hours of trying to catch a word in the hushed voices of nurses, of trying to decipher what a doctor's raised eyebrow or tilt of his head might mean in regards to Maria.
She hated it; every single minute of it.
She was the doctor; she was the one who was supposed to deliver news on a patient, not the other way around.
The few times that a scrub nurse did come to give her an update, she felt like her heart was going to beat right out of her chest.
Waiting rooms were no place for a doctor.
Her dad hadn't said more than a few words to her this whole time. He simply sat by the far corner of the room, his head held low, as though he was waiting for the guillotine to drop at any moment; silent, and already mourning, despite all her efforts to assure him that everything would be fine.
True, it might have worked better, had she believed that herself. She didn't, and yet, she couldn't not believe it either. Stuck somewhere between dread and hope, she sat alone in the very seat that started the waiting room, having long given up on the notion of trying to engage her father in conversation, and kept watch of the corridor.
Working through things by talking was definitely not a trait she had inherited from him. He was more the solitary; throw it all inside kind of person. Though he didn't know it, this was something he shared with Erica.
Erica, whose strings of control had been wound so tight she looked liked she could spring at any moment. Callie had never seen her look quite so serious or angry before. Then again, she had never faced off with Dr. Erica Hahn the chief of surgery before. So goddamn principled, she was; everything-so damn black and white.
It must be an easier life, Callie thought, seeing everything so clearly, definitely, with the conviction of right and wrong. Dr. Hahn was unaffected by uncertainties and immune to hesitation that came with living to those of ordinary flesh and blood.
The Erica she knew had always been strong too, but she had also been soft and warm. The rest of the hospital might not have agreed with her, but to her, she had been. Callie remembered her softness, like she remembered the feel of her breast against her cheek. Like she remembered the feel of her tongue in her mouth, wet and slippery; like she remembered the scent of her peach shampoo, the same one she had inhaled only hours before, standing shoulder to shoulder, staring into her eyes, fighting the urge to push her out of her way.
So cold, she had been, ordering her out, stubborn and unbending. And yet, to her great dismay, Callie realized, so hot too.
That she should realize the fact that she still desperately, indisputably wanted Erica, in the height of her hurt and anger, at a time when she felt sick with worry, made her believe once more in the cruel sense of humor of the divine deity above.
She snorted, shaking her head. And then, took her head in her palms and closed her eyes.
This was not the time to be dissing God; she took in a deep breath and decided, this was the time to pray.
She tried remembering prayers she had learned as a little girl. The ones her mother had taught her. But found that she couldn't. The holy words had slipped out of her mind in time, inconspicuously and quietly. She didn't recall a single whole prayer.
She shook her head again, and making up her mind, bowed her head and covered her eyes once more. Any god that was worth praying to would understand her words no matter what form or language they came in. Talking would have to do.
"Dear God" she started internally, "Please, save her…"
She had been at it a while, when she heard quick footsteps coming closer. She looked up nervously. It was Christina.
"I was in surgery, I just heard. Are you ok?"
Callie shrugged, helplessly. "They won't let me in."
"What can I do?"
"Go. Just go inside, help them."
Christina nodded, and rushed off, leaving Callie to do the only thing she was allowed to do; watch.
When she took the seat next to her father, he didn't even notice her.
"Dad?" She asked.
There wasn't a reply. He just kept on staring out the window, his mind far away. She put her hand on his arm, "Daddy?"
"Hmm?" He looked up, startled. "Is there news?"
"No. Christina just got here; she's gone in to help. She's really good dad. One of the best I know. She'll-it'll be ok."
Her father looked back at her blankly, which made her all the more convinced that she had to persuade him into believing that everything would really be all right. He had heart problems. Ten years ago he had had a heart attack. Things looked fine now- thanks to Maria's insistence of a healthy diet-but any kid on the street could tell you that stress was not a good thing for the heart. So she kept talking.
"And Dr. Bailey is in there, she's a great pediatrician."
At her father's raised eyebrows, she quickly added, "She has an extensive background in general surgery, so you don't have to worry. And Dr. Shephard is in there. He's the guy that has the method, remember, for treating malignant gliomas? The one that was in the medical journal, you sent me?"
"Hmm". He nodded.
"She's in good hands; great hands. Erica is- Dr. Hahn is leading them, and she's- she's very good…She's actually the best surgeon I know." As she said it, she realized, despite whatever else, that fact was absolutely true. "And she's the chief of surgery…She's got very good hands. Steady, and confidant and excellent technique" Her words were coming out without effort now, in a stream of consciousness. Staring into space, she continued speaking and for the first time that day really believed what she was saying. "Maria's gonna be just fine. Erica will do everything that's humanly possible to save her. She knows how important Maria is…She won't let anything happen to her. I know it. I'm sure of it."
When she finished, she noticed that her father was looking at her curiously with an expression of awe across his face.
"What?" She asked after a moment, smiling.
He shook his head, dismissing the question. Pulled her towards him and kissed the top of her head. She rested her head on his shoulder, like she used to do when she was a little girl and literally felt it become a little easier to breath.
They stayed that way a while, both lost in their own thoughts. Then very quietly her father whispered, "Calliope?"
"Hmm?"
"Maria and I…"
"Yes?"
He was silent for a long moment, and then, very gently, he confessed, "I love her."
She looked up at him and met his sad eyes knowingly, she smiled and nodded, "I know."
He looked surprised for a moment, and then chuckled, like he should have known that she would know. She nodded again smiling genuinely, and he shrugged as in silent explanation of why he hadn't told her before. Then, she squeezed his arm and settled back against his shoulder. He rested his chin back on her forehead, and sighed like he had been holding that breath in forever.
Not long after that Sadie and Sloan arrived, and then Lexie, and eventually Meredith as well.
Her friends had come in to keep her company, give her support. There were already too many hands in the OR as it was, but at least they were able to take turns in keeping her and her father updated.
They sat with her, throughout the whole miserable night, bringing her coffee or food to her father, holding her hand or providing a shoulder to lean on and then, when the news that there were complication came their way, assuring and re-assuring her that everything would be fine. And despite her insistence on saying things like "You should go home." and "There's nothing you can do." and "It's Thanksgiving." nobody left, they simply stayed and carried her through.
Sloan did scrub in, in the final stages, when the time for closing the incisions were at hand, he went in and made sure that Maria came out with the smallest scar possible.
Maria's surgery had started at 5 pm. And after almost 9 hours of intensive work, at 1.45 a.m. it ended.
Christina came out first, and the first thing out of her mouth was what Callie was desperately hoping to hear "She's ok."
The rest were details about how the surgery had gone, about repairing the lung, and stopping the bleeding. About the complication- how they had closed her up to see that she had started hemorrhaging again and so they had to open her up a second time- and so on and so forth.
But those were not important. The most important thing now was that she was ok. She would have to rest and it would take her a few weeks to get back to normal, but barring post op. complications, she'd be fine.
She'd be fine.
Callie felt her eyes fill in relief as she got up to hug her father. His face mirrored hers.
After a long moment, she pulled back and put her arms around Christina. "Thank you, thank you."
Christina held her, "It's ok, she's ok." She whispered, against her ear while the others patted her back and made triumphant comments. Each in their own way, were letting out a breath of relief.
Sloan came out and called her over, "She's in the recovery room, if you wanna see her Cal."
And then she was standing over Maria, silent tears running down her cheeks, as she looked at her bruised face. The surgery was a success, her vitals were steady, she was going to be fine.
So what if she had to repeat that a few times, to believe it.
* * * * *
She had stood vigil by Maria's bed until morning; sitting, standing, pacing along the room, watching everything from Maria's breathing, her fever, her fluctuating pulse and blood pressure-rising as she went through a patch of pain and falling again when she fell back asleep- to the color of the liquid that filled her urine bag.
Callie had stood guard against any malady that might steal Maria away.
And Maria, coming into and out of consciousness, moaning in pain or discomfort in irregular intervals, dripping tears of sweat one minute and shaking in chills the next, had made it till morning.
It had been one of the longest nights of Callie's life. But morning had come and with it had brought light and hope. Some color had returned to Maria's face and more importantly her vitals had settled into a stable steady line for the last three hours and counting.
At 8.30, only five hours after she had finally been able to convince her father to go home and get some sleep, he returned.
"Good morning," He whispered, tiptoeing into the room.
She left her post by the window and walking up to him, kissed his cheeks. "Hey, Dad."
"How is she?"
"Good. She's doing well."
"How did she pass the night?" he asked, settling into the chair next to the bed.
Callie looked at her father's worried face and smiled as reassuringly as possible. "Fine. She was fine."
There was no reason to tell him that she had been scared a few times.
"Good."
"Santos?" Maria croaked, opening an eye.
"Maria, you're awake." He sighed, taking hold of her hand.
She licked her cracked lips. And then, looking at his face, her eyes went wide and she croaked, "You haven't shaved."
Callie had realized that her father looked tired but she hadn't pinpointed what exactly made him look so different. Once Maria said it, it was all Callie could see. Santos Torres not shaving was an unheard of occurrence. Even in his mother's funeral he had shaved first thing in the morning. This was definitely a sign of how much he was actually affected by Maria's accident.
"Oh." He gasped, as though he was noticing it for the first time.
"I'm fine." Maria said gently.
Callie was the one to break the long silence that followed after.
"You will be."
* * * * * *
The first time Erica came to check on Maria collided with the only break Callie had allowed herself all day. When Callie came back at 4.00 in the afternoon, fifteen minutes after she had left, her father told her that she had just missed Dr. Hahn. She felt a sting of disappointment at the timing, having looked forward to seeing her the whole day.
As time passed and her worry lessened, she felt worse and worse about how she'd handled the situation. It hadn't been professional to say the least. Erica's look of anger kept on flashing in her mind, leaving an unrest-ful feeling in the pit of her stomach. And she strongly suspected that rest would not be coming her way until she was able to clear the air with her.
The next morning, as she was dozing off on the couch by Maria's bed, such a chance presented itself when Erica walked into the room.
"Good morning."
Callie automatically straightened in her seat and was just about to get up to greet her when her father beat her to it.
"Morning, Doctor." He said, standing up from his now usual seat by the bedside.
"How's everything?" Erica asked, addressing Maria who'd just opened her eyes.
"Fine." She said sleepily.
"How did you sleep? Okay?" she asked picking up her chart and flipping through the pages.
"Yes, okay."
"Good."
"I have some pain in my stomach."
"Aha" Erica said hanging the folder back by the foot of the bed. She walked up to Maria, "Can you show me where it hurts?"
Maria pointed towards her lower belly. When Erica pressed two fingers around the area, she gasped in pain. She moved her fingers and pressed again. "Here as well?"
"Yeah, it comes and goes. But-ooh, right there."
"Right." Erica nodded. "Let me just check your incision."
She rolled back the blanket, and very softly lifted the bandage. "Great, very good." She said re-closing the pads. She covered her with her blanket once again.
"What's causing the pain in your lower abdominal region is…" at Maria's worried look, she smiled and started again. "Basically, you have gas."
"Oh?"
"Yes, it's common after surgeries. I'm going to prescribe something for it, it should pass relatively quickly, don't worry."
"Oh, good."
"Other than that, any complaints?"
"No. That's it. You're all taking very good care of me and my Callie is not leaving my side."
Erica followed Maria's gaze and came eye to eye with Callie for the first time since she had entered the room, nodding quickly, she averted her eyes and looking back down at Maria, gave a strained smile. "That's good."
"Shouldn't she go back to work though? I'm sure there are other patients that need her as well. She won't listen to me; maybe you could tell her that I'm fine."
Callie got up to stand by the foot of the bed, and squeezed the toes of Maria's socked foot that were peaking out of the covers.
"Ria, I know you're fine. Haven't I been saying that? I just want to be here. How often do I get a chance to see you?"
"Yes, well, if Dr. Hahn thinks it's all right."
"Of course." Erica tipped her head,"You don't have to worry Ms. Sanchez; they'll page Dr. Torres if there's an emergency."
"See? I told you."
After a moment of silence Erica cleared her throat.
"All right, you're doing very nicely, everything looks as it should. Just try to rest and your body will do the healing for you. Sleeping is not a bad idea."
"Well that's good, cause that's all I seem to be doing."
"Excellent."
"Thank you." Maria croaked from the bed.
"Thank you, Doctor." Callie's father moved up to shake her hand.
"She's doing great, don't worry." She said, reassuringly.
"When do you think we can go home?"
Erica smiled at his impatience, understandingly.
"Let's just see how she is in a few days, shall we?"
He nodded. "Of course."
Erica turned back towards Maria.
"I'll see you later." She said and walked out.
Callie followed her out and called after her.
"Doctor Hahn?"
Erica halted her steps and slowly turned towards her.
"Yes?"
"Thanks, I mean, I wanted to thank you for taking care of her."
Erica nodded. They hadn't spoken since before the surgery.
"Just doing my job." She said in a clipped voice.
"I know that, I know, but thanks anyway. I…she's family and you did what you did and you saved her. So, thank you."
She really meant it, if nothing else, that had to be obvious.
After a moment Erica replied with a single nod of her head.
"You're welcome."
Erica turned to walk away when Callie's voice stopped her once again.
"Dr. Hahn?"
"What is it Dr. Torres?" She asked, still sounding hard and cold.
"About before…"
"What about it?"
"I-I'm sorry."
Erica wasn't expecting that. The sudden change in her guarded face left no doubt in Callie's mind; she was expecting a fight, not an apology.
"You want to talk about this now?" She asked incredulously after a moment.
"I do." Callie nodded, hesitantly.
Erica took a deep breath and looked away.
"I know that I was wrong." Callie interjected quickly before Erica got a chance to get lost in why she was so angry with her.
Erica met her eyes and blinked once.
"You can't intervene in a surgery, the way you did, no matter who it is."
"I know."
"You endangered her, the way you acted, you're a doctor and you should know this."
Callie nodded, bowing her head, guilt filling her once again. She was right, of course she was right. If Erica had not stopped her, she could have seriously hurt Maria, despite all her good intentions; she had been in no condition to operate.
"You can't try to stop me from doing what I know to be right. I'm the chief of surgery,"
"I know-"
"I have earned that title. And just because you don't like me or because you don't want me around does not change the fact that I'm your boss."
"That's not true."
"What?"
"That I don't want you around."
"No?"
"No."
Erica shook her head, and blew out a long frustrated breath.
"The way you spoke-"
"I'm sorry."
Another long silence passed, while Erica contemplated how to respond. Then having made up her mind, she sighed and softly-clearly delivered her verdict.
"This will be the only time I allow something like this Callie, because of the extraordinary circumstances. Because it was your family and you were so worried that you weren't yourself."
"Right." Callie agreed, nodding.
"The only time." Erica repeated almost to herself.
Callie swallowed once and weakly said, "It won't happen again."
"Alright." Erica nodded sadly, and motioned Callie towards the room. "Go ahead."
Callie smiled tightly, turned around and walked into the room.
The air was cleared, though she didn't know if she felt better or worse.
Continued...