After All This Time
By Bella Taggart
Part 14
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You didn't break me, you shattered me.
Long after Erica left, Callie-frozen into place in the suddenly gloomy on call room, staring at the bleak white door that had shut on her face with a force that had shaken her deep down- could still hear the words echo in her head.
And later when she was home and she got out of the shower and wiped the mist off the mirror to see her own miserable reflection, and she traced her lips with her fingers- her mind getting lost in where they had touched before- she could still hear her.
shattered me.
She fell asleep with it and woke up with it.
And when she walked through the corridors of the hospital and later, after much circling, when she found herself standing in front of Erica's office she could still hear it.
Callie had to talk with Erica. Leaving things as they had...it was...painful. Literally, physically painful. She didn't think that a single free breath had entered her body since the night before.
The only sliver of hope she had, the only thing that pushed her forward was that Erica had said, "you still can." That had to mean that Erica still cared. Cared enough to hurt. And if Callie still had the power to hurt Erica then she had to believe that she might have the power to mend her as well. She could mend her, and herself. She could mend 'them' and maybe become an 'us' again. If Erica gave her half a chance, if only...
Callie took a deep breath and, saying a silent prayer, knocked on the door.
There was no answer.
She tried again, "Erica?" Cracking the door open, she poked her head into the room to see it empty.
Come on.
Her heart falling, she closed the door and leaned against it. Sighing, she checked her watch; it was 7.00 am. Perhaps coming to her door first thing in the morning hadn't been the best idea. Who knew when Erica would be arriving.
Still, she couldn't bring herself to walk away. Five minutes turned into ten and ten into twenty before she could convince herself to move. And when she did push off the wall and made her way to the bridge, she was distracted enough not to notice her surroundings for a few steps. But then she heard a startled intake of breath and looked up. Straight into Erica's eyes.
By the looks of it, Erica had just arrived in the hospital. She was wearing her beige coat still, her leather bag was hanging over her shoulder. A briefcase in one hand and a coffee in the other, she looked down for a moment and started walking towards her.
Callie took a few steps forwards as well and they stopped in front of each other.
"Hi." She croaked.
"Hi." Erica said, sounding soft and sad at the same time, the tone piercing at Callie's heart.
"I was...I was looking for you." Callie said, motioning towards Erica's office.
"You were?"
"Can we..." she checked her watch, she was already late for an appointment and at this rate she was going to be late for a surgery as well. She didn't have enough time to say all the things she wanted to say. But still she had to say some of them. "Can we talk?"
Erica nodded. "Sure." She bent down resting the briefcase on the floor. "Of course."
So they were going to this here, in the middle of the bridge.
Great. Callie gave her a strained smile. "Great", she whispered. "Ahm.. I... About last night-"
Erica straightened and cut her off with a hand. "Callie. Before you say anything, I want you to know that I'm very sorry about last night."
Callie looked up and blinked, "You are?"
"Yes, very much so. I don't know what came over me, I just...I want you to know that whatever it was, it's gone now."
"It is?" Callie asked weakly.
"Yes, so you don't have to worry." Erica assured.
"Worry." Callie repeated, feeling her stomach drop, taking her resolve down with it. This wasn't the conversation she'd thought they were going to have.
"It won't happen again," Erica promised, unknowingly sucking the wind out of Callie's sails even more.
"Oh," Callie croaked, nodding. "Right."
"So," Erica smiled politely, nervously. "Are we okay?"
Callie knew it was her turn to say something, but she found that she couldn't say a thing. Her mouth wasn't cooperating with her mind, or rather her mind hadn't caught up with Erica's line of thought enough to give her mouth the necessary signal for speech. So she just stood there, her eyes wide, gently moving her head up and down-though not enough for it to be counted as nodding.
Erica continued speaking through her silence.
"I know that we were making progress, before this whole thing and...I really would like us to be friends again."
"Friends..." Callie repeated, feeling the blood drain from her face.
"Let's just forget about last night, okay? Can we do that?"
Callie looked up into Erica's eyes, not knowing what to say. Trying to decipher the meaning of her words. Erica often put a front on, saying things she might not necessarily mean out of one reason or another. And for the life of her, Callie was praying that this was one of those times. She looked into her eyes long and hard, searching for something-anything- that would let her know that this was one of those times. Because surely she couldn't mean what she was saying. She couldn't really want to be just her friend. She couldn't want to forget the night before; The touch of their lips, the scent of their skin, the fit of their bodies against each other. She couldn't want to forget those things, could she?
Before she could find an answer to her own question or answer Erica's, the vibration of her beeper pulled her out of the debts of Erica's eyes. This was the second time it was beeping, there had to be some kind of an emergency. She pulled it out of her scrub pants and read the screen. It really was an emergency. Holding up the gadget, she shrugged and shaking her head-frustrated- met Erica's eyes. "I'm sorry, I have to go."
* * * * * * * * * *
"You did good work in there, Torres." Derek Shephard praised, untying her back, helping her take off the yellow plastic overall.
"Thanks, you too." She said, helping him in return.
Throwing the plastic gloves into the trash, she leaned forward and started the process of washing up. Her eyes kept on wandering back over to the patient lying on the operating table, on the other side of the window. Meredith was putting the final touches on him.
It was incredible really-Him being alive.
After five hours of standing over the man, her hands deep in his body, fearing that at any moment his heart was going to give up, she couldn't help but feel awed by his resilience.
The chances of him making it through the surgery had been at the very most abysmal and yet here he was alive and closed up and looking like he was going to make a full recovery.
If that wasn't proof that impossible cases could be made possible, she didn't know what was.
Drying her hands, she sighed and with her new breath felt herself fill with a new sense of resolve. If a guy could drive his car under a truck, get dragged for hundreds of meters, crunched in a steel accordion- breaking most of his bones- and still survive then she could survive whatever Erica threw her way. Callie decided then and there, she wasn't going to give up without a fight. No matter whom she had to fight, Erica or herself.
She pulled off her lucky cap, put it in her pocket and walked out of the O.R.
Taking her steps two at a time, she rushed through the corridors. Spotting Lexie by a nurse's station, she quickly made her way towards her. "Hey Lex,"
"Hey, pretty lady."
"Have you seen Hahn?"
"Nope, sorry."
"Kay, thanks," she said, turning to move away.
"Cal,"
"Hmm?"
"Mark was looking for you."
"Oh yeah?"
"I think he wants to talk to you about my party."
"Hah," Callie chuckled, "isn't that supposed to be a surprise?"
Lexie wiggled her eyebrows mischievously. Callie patted her shoulder, shaking her head. "I'll see you later." she said and walked on.
Her search of the cafeteria proved to be fruitless. Erica wasn't in her office.
Neither was she in the lobby. And as far as Callie knew, she wasn't scrubbing in on any surgeries either. Callie felt her frustration grow by the minute and then just as she was about to give up, she spotted her in the clinic talking to Christina.
She took a deep breath, reminded herself to be cool and started to move forward. She walked up to the pair and cleared her throat.
"Excuse me." She said, "Hey," she acknowledged Christina with a nod and turned towards Erica. "Dr. Hahn, can I talk to you for a minute?"
"What is it?" she asked, professionally.
"Privately." Callie urged.
"I'm in the middle of something Dr. Torres."
"I know, I'm sorry, but it'll just be a minute...You don't mind Christina, do you?"
"No, go ahead." Christina said, taking a step back.
"Excuuuse me?" Erica exclaimed incredulously.
"Thank you." Callie smiled at Christina, and taking a hold of Erica's arm, moved her towards the stairs.
"What are you doing?" Erica asked, trying to keep up with Callie's steps.
Callie pushed through the door that let them out to the stairs and let go of her arm. The door shut behind them, leaving them alone on the wide steps.
"Have you lost your mind?" Erica cried, trying to regain her composure.
"Possibly." Callie said under her breath, and took a deep breath. "We need to talk."
"What? What is so important?"
"You asked me a question, and I want to give you an answer. And I couldn't wait any longer."
"Huh?"
"No. My answer is no."
"What are you talking about?" Erica asked, clearly not following.
Callie swallowed, and blew out a frustrated breath. "This morning," she clarified.
Erica looked like she had just been slapped. "Oh," she croaked.
"You asked me if we could forget about last night, if we could be friends and my answer is no."
Erica looked at her for a long moment, and than her anger at being handled visibly drained out of her face to be replaced with an expression of hurt. And then, she looked down in defeat, her brows knitting together, her lips thinning into a white line.
"We can't be friends." Callie declared, firmly. "Not after last night."
Erica, her eyes fixed on a spot on the floor, fidgeted, her voice taking a broken quality, "Callie..." she began, and then stopped, seemingly at a loss for words.
"Look at me," Callie ordered softly. Erica didn't comply, keeping her head hanging low, her eyes hidden from view.
Callie took a step forward and reached out to gently touch Erica's chin, "Please.." she whispered. Erica looked surprised, more than anything, by her touch- by her tone. And finally raised her eyes to meet Callie's, confusion clearly written all over her face.
"The way you taste, the way you feel in my hands when I touch you, the way I feel when you touch me...These aren't things I can forget, Erica." Callie breathed leaning close enough to breath her in. "I don't want to forget. I don't want to be your friend."
"What do you want from me Callie?" Erica gasped, sounding desperate.
"Everything." Callie breathed, closing the final distance between them and resting her forehead against Erica's. Putting her hands on her arms. They both sighed at the contact. Standing still for a long silent moment. "But I'll take a date...for starters."
"Huh?"
Callie pulled back to look into her eyes, "Go out with me. Tonight. Food, drinks whatever you want. Just so long as we can be together and we can talk."
Erica stared at her with wide eyes. Questioningly, confusedly. Looking like she was trying to figure out if Callie was serious or not.
Callie looked back, unblinking. Confidently, unwaveringly. She had never been so serious in her life.
After a long moment, Erica's eyes softened a little bit and she lowered her face shyly, "I can't tonight. There's a conference..."
"Tomorrow then." Callie jumped in quickly, feeling her heart start summersaults in her chest.
Be cool, be cool.
Erica looked up again, and let her lips curl up into a tiny smile at Callie's enthusiasm. And then, just like that, the most amazing thing happened; she nodded. "Okay."
Callie felt herself smiling, "Okay?" she asked, making sure that she heard her right.
"Okay." Erica repeated, blushing.
"Okay. Good." Callie said, feeling light and charged with a sudden burst of energy. "Great. Excellent."
Erica smiled back, full-fledgedly now.
Callie's face mirrored hers all the way. "So we'll talk. Make arrangements?" she asked shyly.
"Uhm hum." Erica confirmed.
"Okay, good." She took a step back. "Ah...I'll see you later then?"
"Uhm hmm."
Callie smiled again, feeling like a kid. She looked at the door and then, before she could stop herself, leaned forward and kissed Erica on the cheek. And, of all things she said, "Thank you."
As the words left her mouth, she heard them and cringed inwardly.
Thank you? So un-cool.
But Erica gasped in surprise and giggled. She actually giggled, which was worth all the embarrassment
thank you caused.
She stood there for a while just watching Erica's smile, taking it all in, this sense of cautious beginning. Awed by the incredibility of feeling shy again, after all that they had been through, after all they had put each other through.
Feeling great about having taken a chance and even better about Erica not leaving her hanging, Callie took a step back. "Okay, bye" she said after another stolen moment, moved towards the door and waved on her way out. Actually waved. She was turning into an adolescent. There was nothing she could do about it.
Oh hell, who cared...She had a date with Erica freaking Hahn.
Continued...