Burnt the Fire of Thine Eyes
By Cheaza

*None of Dwayne's 68 dollar sapphire coated diaphragms were harmed during the production of this rather psycho piece of fiction*
(Some description of woman-woman sex)
*The following did not happen. It is based on my own opinions on Hudson Leick and her feelings towards Renee O'Connor. This is, remindly, fiction.*

And remember! Smoking makes you cool! And so does body piercing!

New York City
Trump Towers
October '97

They were waiting in the lounge, Hudson with her regimented Caesar, extra spicy, Renee and her regular Fuzzy Navel. They sat up to the bar in the rather bourgeois room, decorated in deep mahogany wood and dark rich greens and burgundies. An older woman tinkered out light classical melodies on a gorgeous grand piano a few feet from where the two women sat perched on high bar stools, legs crossed.

Hudson caught Renee's eye over the salted rim of her glass and smiled at her. The younger woman was visibly unnerved at being in the ritzy lounge, her body somewhat rigid in it's posture. She tried to pull down her knee length straight skirt, fearing it was riding up and showing too much leg.

"Stop fiddling with yourself, sweetie! With legs like those, you can never show too much." Hudson winked at her, and smiled to herself when a blush crept up onto Renee's rounded cheeks. She reached out a hand and smoothed the back of her fingers against the redden skin and gave her a reassuring smile when Renee looked up slightly startled.

"You're so cute sometimes." It was more of a statement than a silly comment, for it was the truth. Hudson's eyes swept up and down the younger woman's body, looking at the form fitting coffee colored halter-necked top she wore with the matching skirt, and the block heeled Japanese sandals she wore on her feet so poised in front of her.

"I wish you hadn't convinced me to take off my suit jacket, Dodgy, I feel half naked now." Renee ran her hands up over her bare arms with a disgruntled expression.

"Pish-pish, Duch, you look beautiful." she noticed this did little to comfort her companion. "Listen, Luce will be here soon, and then we can leave, promise."

"She's already 20 minutes late. I say we give her ten more then ditch this joint for a Macdonald's. " Renee smiled at her, looking at her from the corner of her eye. Hudson winked at her, then reached behind her to pull a cigarette out of her pack. She lit it up, took a drag and offered it to Renee.

"How come whenever we're together, I always end up smoking like an entire pack in a few short hours?" Renee took the smoke and took a long drag off it, exhaling in a leisurely fashion.

"No, no dear don't you know? They don't actually count when you share them with someone." Hudson smiled at her again, leaning back on her elbows against the bar behind her and stretching out a leg in front of her. "You like the dress? I got it at Barney's today, Luce was positively in love with it on me, gush gush gush you know her."

Renee looked at it a moment, an ankle length black cashmere dress cut on the bias, with long sleeves that hung over her slim hands and a deep v-neck. Truthfully, when Renee had first seen Hudson walk in in the dress her chin had hit the floor; she looked incredible in it. She reached out and felt the fabric lightly.

"Hmm, I love cashmere."

"You didn't answer my question. That means you hate it on me."

"Feal-bert! Csh!" she sat snapping her fingers at her and smiling. "Nappy ship!"

It was their own little language, developed quite unconsciously between Renee, Hudson and Lucy. It was more based on sounds than actual words, and they often reverted to it when in the presence of others to discuss their thoughts on what all was going on.

"Alright! Shep! Skeet!" Hudson took the smoke. "I get it, no more paranoid women things."

"Hmm, is good then." Renee smiled, talking in her little Arabian accent. She watched as Hudson blew smoke rings. "Ah, 'tis woman of. . .many hidden tal-onts!"

"C'est oui." Hudson giggled at the ridiculous turn their conversation had taken. "Dammit where is Ducky?"

"Aw, she's dropping Rob off at the airport, and they probably caught a quickie in the limo on the way there. Not that Rob could give more than a quickie!" she laughed with Hudson, taking the smoke back and taking a drag.

"Oh poor girl. That's what she gets for dating an old fart."

"Whose dating an old fart? Li'l ole' me?"

Both of them looked up to see Lucy herself standing in front of them, smiling like a Cheshire cat. Renee smiled broadly up at her and Hudson gave her a sly grin.

"So Ducky, couldn't Rob get it up?" she said with a cheeky smile, making play fun at their producer being a favorite activity of these three.

Lucy pushed her tongue against her cheek and cocked her head to the side, as if in deep thought. Renee observed this little moment with joy.

"Well only when I started whispering Gertitol ads in his ear." She silently added, without the joking tone. "I suppose I'll be doing that a lot lately."

Hudson had missed it in gather up the things into her purse, but Renee, always very observant around Lucy, caught it. She hopped off her stool and put a hand on her arm.

"What do you mean, Ducky?"

A smile so radiant that it blew Renee away, spread across Lucy's face. Hudson, seeing it aswell, look at her intently.

"Oh Duch, I think someone needs to spill the beans!" Hudson laughed. "Go on Ducky!"

"Oh gals, I'm simply bursting!" Lucy took both their hands and squealed out "Rob asked me to marry him! Today, right here in the lobby!"

Hudson squealed out loud with her and threw her arms around Lucy, giving her a huge bear hug. Renee, for a reason unknown to her, was rooted to the spot in shock. She became suddenly so jealous of Rob, angry at him for taking Lucy, then angry at herself for having these thoughts.

"Duch, aren't you happy for me?" Lucy, now noticing that Renee wasn't reacting at all, looked at her uncertain for a moment.

"Oh," Renee's voice was distant, lost in something, and her eyes were darting about to hide from Lucy's. "Yes, Ducky, I'm happy for you. Um, congratulations."

Lucy looked hurt by her lack of enthusiasm, and Hudson jumped in.

"Oh don't be upset about Duchess here, she's been feeling alittle out of sorts all evening. In fact right before you got here I was gonna take her up to lay down a spell. Right, sweets?" Hudson looked at her a moment as if to say it was alrite, that she understood. Renee read the look right, and then tried to glance up at Lucy when she spoke again.

"Um, yeah, Dodgy's right, I've been a bit icky all day. I think it's cramps or something. Maybe if I go to bed early tonite I'll feel abit better by tomorrow."

"Are you sure Duch? Cause I thought maybe we'd all go out and celebrate, go get pissed outta our trees or something."

"Well, no I better not dear, really. You and Dodgy go, round up some sailors or something, for the bachelorette party." she tried a weak smile, to convince Lucy.

"Oh alright, me and the Plymouth Dodge 'ere will go out, but tomorrow you have to promise to come out and play, after I'm done my matinee!" Luce smiled at the younger woman, putting an arm around her shoulder.

"I promise," Renee smiled slightly at both of them then turned to leave.

"Renee" Hudson stopped her, handing her a pack of cigarettes and whispered "I'll come and see you in a few hours okay? Try to go easy on yourself, and we'll talk about it."

Renee took the smokes and embraced her Dodgy. No matter if she herself didn't know what was wrong, Hudson always did. Watching the young woman leave, Lucy was wrought with concern. She sat up beside Hudson in Renee's former's chair and ordered a pint.

"Are you sure Duch is alright? She looks like she's just seen a ghost or something." Lucy took a smoke from Hudson and lit it.

"Well, yeah, I think she's just alittle overwhelmed, I mean first the convention, then coming here and all. She'll just need abit of time to adjust, don't worry."

"Dodgy, she's okay isn't she?" Lucy eyed Hudson closely.

"Oh yeah, just one of her down days, it's all."

Lucy smiled at the blond, mimicking her sitting position with her elbows against the bar.

"You're so adorable when you talk about Duch, you know that?" Lucy's smile broadened considerably.

"Whattaya mean by that?" Hudson looked at her, a shocked smile on her face.

"You become all protective and lovey when you talk about her. And you get this wee little glint in your eye, with even just a wisp of a smile."

"Sha! Skee-don't!" Hudson found all this very amusing.

"Don't sha me! Tra! Kado! Fer Real!"

"No, you're just imagining it!" she tried to defend herself "It's how we all flirt with one another. Just a form of that."

"No more flirtin' once I'm hitched I'm afraid." Lucy stuck out her lower lip in playful protest.

"Oh pish-sha! You're gonna be so boring, so old fartish, so. . .HETREO!" Hudson yawned at her and lit up another smoke.

"Well, make fun if you must. . .anyways you're trying to get off topic here. We're talking about Duch, remember?"

"Yes, yes, Duchy. Our own little One." Hudson got the smile Lucy had called her on earlier.

"There! There's the grin!" Lucy laughed then leaned into her. "You know Dodgy, I'd say you have a wee crush on our Duchess."

"My Goddess, Ducky, what a shocking and very un-'Rob-duck-and-denial' for you to say! I mean now, now, dear! No lesbian subtext!"

"Don't try and divert me off this, Dodge!" Lucy smiled a huge grin at her. "You like Renee dontcha?"

Hudson went to say something, to retort, but found her body betraying her as all she could do was blush and look away with a smile.

"Oh goody!! I hit it! Now," Lucy leaned into her side, her mouth by her ear "Tell Aunty Duckwick all about it."

"Oh for Christ sake Ducky." Hudson playfully pushed her away and took another drag, her cheeks still red, and uncharacteristically fumbling for words. "Come on now, don't be ridiculous. I mean I hold her in affection, but I mean. ." "Pishy-scof! She bea Tea!"

"Oh Pishy oishy to you too!"

"Okay, okay, I'll lay off now, I'm sorry." Lucy sat back and took a sip of her ale.

"I mean, I think it's safe to say we all have crushes on Renee, I mean you, me, Ted. Bruce loves her to bits, and even Alexandra can't keep her hands off her when she's on set." Hudson blew out a few smoke rings "It's her sweet nature, her innocent little air about her with the fire just under the surface, you just can't help but want to pull her into your arms and protect her, love her to bits. You of all people can attest to that."

"It's true, I'll admit it. Often that's what I find myself doing, you know, trying to shelter her from people. I mean I didn't want her to do the convention, have some freak fan attack her verbally like they do to me with all that S&M lesbianism shit. It scares her half to death! We saw a rather butchy lesbian couple yesterday and she hid behind me, scared shitless that they would see her and I together and think she was a lesbian."

"Yeah but that's more just cultural programming. Cause Sandra is cool with it, but it's kinda like, 'not with my daughter'. Well you know that, all those talks you've had with her and Renee and Rob about it."

"Yeah, Duch is very offish about doing anything that separates her from society's norm. I think that's why she's alittle weird around you and I when we get loving with her. I mean as cute as it is to watch her blush and stammer and hide, it's not really a good thing."

"You don't think she's. . ."

"Dodgy, you know my theory, that we all are bi-sexual, in that we all have the capacity to love, regardless of race or gender or class. I just want Renee to subscribe to this aswell, and not let her fear of homosexuality keep her from the truth."

"You mean , like how Rob's fear of it keeps him from letting any of us admit that you and Gabrielle are gay?" Hudson asked in a high joking 'Valley-girl' voice.

"Um. . .oh okay." Lucy answered in her best Romy & Michelle voice.

"Seriously Ducky, I know you're right. But even if I do have a crush on her, I don't think I'd be the first woman she'd approach. I don't think she feels the same for me."

"Well now, it's hard to say what she feels under all that fear of the unknown. I think she may have an inkling towards ya."

"Maybe, but I think I know who she has a stronger inkling for." Hudson smiled at Lucy for a moment. It took her a bit to catch on to who she meant.

"Oh, oh lordy no!" She laughed, then looked at her seriously. "Really? You think?" "Oh for sure dear! She looks at you like you're a mortal goddess, which, may I say, you are." she said with a wink. "I mean why do you think she left-"

No she thought better not go there.

"Nah, I don't think so Dodgy. I think you may be off on that one. Whenever I flirt with her is when she laughs, but when you do she even responds sometimes." Lucy then laughed out loud. "Look at us! Chattering away like two men in a locker room or something, all about little Duchess."

"Oh it's okay, she's our little cutie, we're allowed."

"Yes, yes, our little cutie." Lucy smiled. "I wish she was coming out with us, what a shame. Cause if she was I could prove to you that she really likes you."

"No, no, no dearest one, I'd prove to you that you're the one she adores!" Hudson poked her in the side and laughed.

"Whatever!" she threw back the last of her drink and hoped off her chair. "Let's get outta here and go party."

"Come on Barbie, let's go party!" Hudson sang to her as they skipped out of the lounge. *

It was around midnight by the time they got back to the hotel. Hudson and Lucy had gone out for a good dinner and a few drinks, but Lucy had decided to head to bed earlier due to her matinee the next morning.

"See, marry an old fart, turn into one!" Hudson had teased as they came home in the limo.

But she was actually glad, for the first thing she did when she parted company with Lucy was head for Renee's room. She knocked quietly on the door a few times.

"Renee, sweetie it's me." When she received no answer, she tried the door and found it unlocked. She opened it slowly to peer into the dark room, now stagnant with cigarette smoke.

"Renee baby where are you?"

The room seemed empty, strewn with clothes, the bed stripped of its sheets and blankets. Finally, after her eyes adjusted to the darkness she saw a figure outside on the patio. She went over and open the glass door to find Renee wrapped up in blankets, a full ashtray in front of her and a few empty bottles of Long Island ice tea around her.

"Oh Duchy." Hudson crouched down beside her and wrapped her arms about her, blankets and all, resting her head on hers, forgetting the bitingly cold winds.

"Hudson, what's the matter with me?" her small, tear strained voice came out from the folds of the blanket.

"There isn't anything wrong with you Duchess," she sat down beside her, her arms still around her. Renee laid her head on Hudson's shoulder as the tears poured down her soft cheeks.

"There is something wrong with me. I think-I think. . .oh it's so wrong." she buried her face into Hudson's shoulder.

"What's so wrong?" she had a bit of an idea what this all was about. "Is this about Lucy? Getting married to Rob?"

"Yes." her answer was quiet, strained.

"I'm not gonna say it for you Renee, you have to say it yourself."

"I-I can't."

"Yes you can."

"I really can't Hudson, you don't understand, it's wrong."

"Renee you listen to me," she sat up so she was facing her. "There is nothing wrong in what is in your heart. Answer me honestly, does it feel wrong?"

"It doesn't matter, it's wrong."

"You didn't answer my question. Does it feel wrong, in your heart?"

"In my heart?"

"Yes, in your heart. Not out in society, not with your mom and stepdad. Not in public around fans. But in your heart. Do you think it's wrong?"

"No." it was a bare whisper, but it was the truth, finally. They sat in silence for a few moments, Renee chewing on her bottom lip like she does when she's nervous. This little unconscious action almost drove Hudson out of her mind, as she tried to stream line her thoughts away from it.

"I can't believe this happened." Renee finally said.

"What do you mean? She's your closest friend. It seems very natural."

"Natural!" she scoffed. "There's nothing natural in two women. . ."

"Oh sweetheart, but that's where you're wrong." she smiled at her, pulling her close. "Two women making love to one another can be the most natural thing in the world."

Renee was silent in thought, then shook her head at herself.

"I suppose, it was a natural course of fate. Cause I've always loved her as a friend. But there is a part of me. . .I mean well something in me. . ."

"You can take that friend love and move it to a higher level quite easily, you know Renee. And part of that is through a sexual love for the person, loving their body as well as them. But that shouldn't ever be the only reason."

"But still. I mean, there's no future in that kinda love!"

"Renee, hello! There are millions of lesbian couples living very happily together! Hunny I have to tell you this in the kindest way possible because it's just something you really need to hear. There are more things to life that are right and okay than what society and your family has taught you. You have the ability to love anyone, regardless of race, sex, class. Don't limit your heart like that."

Renee looked up into her brown eyes intently for a moment, taking in what she was saying. She knew she was right. She knew that it was fear of society's views that kept her from loving fully whom her heart embraced. Renee was mad at herself for not having the courage to let go, to be herself. She needed a first step, something to show herself she had the ability to love. She couldn't with Lucy, so in love with Rob that it broke her own heart. She looked up into Hudson's eyes and smiled at her. There was something in her that clicked when she looked up at her.

"You must be freezing, Dodgy. Come crawl into my little blanket cocoon." she unwrapped herself and helped Hudson get settled in behind her, then swaddled them up again. Hudson encased her arms around the younger woman and smiled down at her.

"There, it's all good now." she said reassuringly.

"Almost." Renee turned in her arms and, after a moment's hesitation, put her lips, slightly parted and whisper soft, to Hudson's. She pulled away after a brief touch and beamed up at her, her cheeks shining. Hudson could help but put her hands on her face and rub her cheeks with her thumbs.

"See? Was that so terrible?" she grinned back at her, placing a kiss on her nose and giggling.

"No, it was nice, very nice. Actually. . ." she wrapped her arms around Hudson's shoulders and kissed her again, this time longer and harder, becoming more brave with each passing moment. She pulled back finally, to catch her breath and calm her heart that was beating wildly in her chest.

"Well, that's certainly a change." Hudson smiled, her lips swollen. Renee looked up at her sheepishly.

"I suppose I am inquisitive about this all. . .inquisitive, but a little scared." She ducked her face down, barely believing that she was even doing this.

"I'll be patient." it was said so quietly, yet hung in the air between them like a reckoning, Hudson not able to even look up to see if it would be accepted. She was asking for her heart's desire, something she didn't do very often, but she knew that it was tonite or never. And even if it was just this once, even if she went to Lucy afterwards, at least she would have this one night, to feel the inexperienced passion of her love.

Renee looked up into Hudson's downturned face, observing her with non- critical, yet blank eyes. She reached out a hand, and ran the backs of her fingers over her flushed cheek.

"You're so beautiful sometimes," she said, mimicking their earlier conversation, then adding "not sometimes, all the time."

Hudson looked up, her brown eyes full of uncertainty, and took in Renee's coquettish smile. Her apprehension melted away and she grinned back, almost unconsciously taking the younger woman's face into her hands and pulling it to her, laying kisses across her cheeks and mouth.

"Sweet, so sweet, my little Sweetest One." she wrapped her arms around her and pulled her to her body, burying her face into her neck and inhaling the smell of her long strawberry blonde hair. Renee settled into her body, hugging her own arms around Hudson's slim waist, and, finding a bare patch of skin on her neck, pressing her lips to it. She left her mouth there, tasting the skin, feeling it under her mouth. It-this-wasn't anything like being with a man. Softness, a sweet enveloping aura of safety, comfort, smooth fragrant skin below her lips. This warmth, so soft all around her; she didn't feel rushed or forced, she felt comforted, cared for, and unbelievably content.

Hudson's fingers combed gently through her hair, lightly scratching her scalp as she did, her lips still sunk into the hollow of her neck, her arms around her. It was warm there in their little nest, so snug, untroubled, restful. No one could come between them there, no one, not Lucy, not Renee's boyfriend now forgotten by both. There had been no one in existence before that point, only this moment mattered. Hudson wrapped her legs about Renee's to bring her in as close as possible. All that meant anything was this moment, with Renee in her embrace and herself in her love's.


The clock by the bed was the only plausible lite in the room, a garish red from it's digital face. It read 4:13 am, the time darkest before the light of dawn. Hudson lay on the bed, her love's nude body pressed up to her side, her face in her neck, her hand over Hudson's bare breast. The sheets enshrouded them in a tangled web about their legs and sides, but mostly their bare skin was left exposed, shining in the dim light from outside.

Hudson lay awake, too exhilarated by the past few hours to sleep. She relaxed there in total complacency, pulling Renee's reddish-gold hair across her face in its silk-like strands. This was where she was meant to be, where she belonged, with her love in her arms, still high off their love making.

In the start it had been very slow as Renee got used to it, but eventually a pattern unconsciously set in. Hudson would do something to Renee, and she would, in turn, do it back, many times, until she was convinced she was good enough at it. Although it was extremely pleasurable, Hudson found herself spending a good deal of the night laying there like jelly from it all, having to beg Renee for a breather.

"You taste so sweet though, please, let me go back, please." Renee would plead, her face wet with Hudson's love.

"A moment my dear, in a moment. You don't want to kill me here my Sweetest One."

But as Hudson thought of the night just past, she felt a bittersweet pang. For it was to be this night only, just one brief moment to feel the completeness she had been searching for her entire life. She tightened her hold on Renee's curved body, that fit so well into hers, refusing to let go.

She knew that Renee had initiated this so she would have some experience in which to use when trying to get Lucy's attentions. She knew that was the main target all along, yet was still willing to go along with it. But that didn't mean her heart would let her go so easily.

She knew as she had held the young woman on the balcony that she loved her, beyond anything she herself even grasped. She knew now that her heart, body and soul belonged to this ethereal beauty who was curled up to her side.

"You know little girl," she whispered softly into her unhearing ear. "I know I love you now, but that doesn't mean I can make you mine. To love someone is to let them go. . . but not right now. Now you're laying in the arms of your lover, and she's all you need, all you know. I could be everything for you, Sweet One, I could be your all."

As if conscious of the truth in the words being spoken about her, Renee stirred slightly, barely opening drowsy eyes to look up at her lover's.

"Shh, sweetest one, shh, go back to sleep. . .shh." Hudson cradled her close and begun to sing a whisper-quiet song in her ear.

"Listen as the wind blows from across the great divide, voices trapped in yearning, memories trapped in time, the night is my companion, and solitude my guide, would I spend forever here and not be satisfied?" She could spend forever here, in her love's arms, and not be satisfied with enough time. "And I would be the one to hold you down kiss you so hard I'll take your breath away and after I wipe away the tears just close your eyes dear. Through this world I stumbled so many times betrayed trying to find an honest word to find the truth enslaved oh I speak to you in riddles and I speak to you in rhymes, my body aches to breath your breath, your words keep me alive." All she wanted was to be with her always, to immerse herself in her being "And I would be the one to hold you down kiss you so hard I'll take your breath away and after I wipe away the tears just close your eyes dear. And through this night I wander, its morning that I dread another day of knowing of the path I fear to tread, oh into the sea of waking dreams I follow with out pride and nothing stands between us here and I won't be denied." This was a waking dream, trapping in her own Nirvana, for no one stood between them here and her love couldn't be denied. "And I would be the one to hold you down kiss you so hard I'll take your breath away and after I wipe away the tears just close your eyes dear, oh just close your eyes. . ."


Renee awoke hours later, the morning sun streaming in over the bodies entangled on the bed. She was slightly startled to find herself wrapped around Hudson, her face in her neck. Memories of the night before came rushing back to her and she found her cheeks redden with the shyness of a maiden the morning after her wedding.

She pulled herself up onto her elbows on either side of her sleeping lover's head and lightly stroked the tangled hair off Hudson's face. She's so lovely, isn't she? She thought as she ran her fingertips across her brow bone. They had fit so well together last night, and Hudson had been so sweet, so patient. Renee doubted she would ever forget her gentle hands on her body as she guided her, showing her what to do. The trust there was incredible in its intensity, and now that she really thought about it, Hudson had to be the first lover she had ever been with that she really trusted, like, really really trusted. Usually with men, she would have her guard up, just in case, even when she was with. . .

Oh shit she thought with a grimace, leaning her forehead on to Hudson's collar bone as she remembered now her boyfriend down in New Zealand. This all, had changed *everything*. She would always care for him, but last night she had finally felt a passion that had always been lacking with her and him, with her and the other men she had been with. Even though she wasn't conscious of it then, she knew now, and there was no going back to the way things were.

Well now, for the matter at hand. The reason that this had all started in the first place. It was Lucy, and her feelings for the dark haired woman that had started this. But as Renee looked up into Hudson's face, she felt her heart responding.

Dear sweet Hudson, allowing her to have her first time with a woman with her. She looked at her in an entirely different light now, but then again she was looking, well, thinking of all the other women in her life in an entirely different light now. What of Alexandra, who when she would pull the younger woman into her arms, against her full breasts, and cover her cheeks with kisses would make her heart beat a hundred times a minute? And Liz, who would always give her this odd, knowing looks, like a wizened old lesbian whose "Gaydar" was as honed as a heat seeking missile.

Renee shook her head at herself, laughing inwardly. She sat up beside Hudson, still wrapped in her long slender arms and lit up a smoke from the bedside. Hudson meanwhile, in her sleep, settled her head in Renee's lap, and Renee began to stroke her blond hair lightly, like a mother would for a sleeping child. Hudson awoke in this position and looked up into her lover's face over hers.

"Hey cool, I can see up your nose from down here!" were her first words to Renee. She giggled with her and took the smoke for a puff.

"You didn't say that last night I hope." Renee joked and they both burst into loud, cantankerous laughter.

"How are you today, love? Everything okay?" Hudson asked once they settled.

"If you mean any regrets," she leaned over her and kissed her lightly "Never. How about you? I dare say I wore you out last night."

"Well," she kissed her once more, with a hand on the back of her neck "you nearly did wipe me out, but I'm definitely not complaining. So I'm assuming you've owned up to your lesbian side now."

"You could say that. You were right, I need to let myself love whoever my heart chooses, regardless of what gender they are."

"And it's Lucy you love." She tried to say it lightheartedly, to not let any of her own hurt seep in, but still her voice wavered ever-so-slightly. "Yes." Renee answered softly, looking down at Hudson's face with a feeling of guilt. "Listen Hudson. . ."

Before she could even start, Hudson was sitting up and looking her eye to eye.

"Renee sweetie, you don't have to explain. I understand that last night was an intro to this world, and that you want to go to Lucy. I knew it then and I know it now, so don't feel guilty about it in the least. Last night was wonderful, and I know I'll never forget it, but we're still friends, and I'm glad I could help you."

Renee smiled at her and kissed her again, with a twinge of something still nagging in her heart. Dear Hudson, who else but her would let her use her to learn, to prepare for. . .

"Lucy." Hudson said through her thoughts. "You want to be with her, no?"

All Renee could do was nod shyly and blush. Hudson smiled at her and stroked the red cheek.

"So cute, so cute. Well, my dear, if you want to be with her, you got to tell her how you feel, show her how strong it is, try to woo her, and then let her decide what she wants. Because you know. . ."

"I know, I know, she loves Rob so much. . .but I think, I mean I'm hoping that maybe she'll want to be with me, I know it's kind of a long shot, but what the hell eh? If anything she'll be proud of me for uh. . .coming out of the closest." She giggled at this, the very thought of being with Lucy making her giddy.

"When in doubt as to how to break big news to someone, I always say go for the highly dramatic route. I think if you and I put out heads together we can think of some nice romantic way to tell her. First off, we need a good setting, somewhere you can feel comfortable telling such news. . .then you need a nice non-threatening, yet dynamic way of actually saying it. . ."


Lucy was sitting in her dressing room, after her matinee had just ended, and was trying to remove her thick stage makeup. She was in her little wife-beater tank and jean cut offs, happy to be in comfy clothes again. And even though they were her grungy wear, they showed off her long, graceful limbs better than any haute couture dress ever could. It was this site, of the barefooted, makeup-free Lucy that Renee saw as she entered the room.

She was as nervous as a long tailed cat in a roomful of rocking chairs when she went in there. Her and Hudson had been organizing and planning and plotting all day now, and this was the first and very definitive step in the carefully laid scheme. She had been drilled and dressed and dolled up, and went in there knowing exactly what had to be said and done. Now all she had to do was stop gaping at Lucy's gorgeous legs long enough to actually do it.

"Hey there, Duchess!" Lucy smiled up at her, then looked her up and down quite shocked at her apparel.

Renee was wearing low-riding baggy pants, trench pants really, in a dark green, with the top waist band rolled over and the top edges of her panties showing. She had a little white halter top with it, cut short and layered over a dark blue crop top with short tight sleeves. Her hair was bone straight, her bangs curled under in a short little fringe that became her face quite well. Even the big heeled knee high "bitch boots" she wore on her feet were new. But the most shocking had to be the small hoop now in her navel.

"Duchy, look at you! You look incredible! When did you get your navel pierced?" Lucy stood up to get a better look at her, bending over to study the body piercing.

"This afternoon. You should see what Hudson got pierced." Renee raised an eyebrow and smiled.

"Oh christ, I don't think I wanna know."

"Trust me, you don't" Renee's grin got larger when she realized how Lucy's eyes were going up and down her body. When the older woman leaned forward and slipped a finger under her panties' waist band, proving to be the entire top of the thin piece of fabric, she felt her whole body quivering with the incredibly sexy look Lucy gave her.

"G-string?" she asked and Renee gave her a wide, seductive smile, with very little joking behind it.

"I can't stay long, but I came to ask you out tonite, just you and I." she dare not go down the g-string discussion route, lest her body be turned totally loose and she attacks Lucy right there and then.

"Oh, okay sure. What about Hudson?" Lucy sat back down, but her eyes stayed trained on Renee's body.

"Oh, um, she's, um, she's already got plans for tonite. So it's a date?"

"Sounds fine to me. Do you have a particular place in mind?"

"Actually, yeah. Meet me at The Blue Angels' at 8, kay? It's on the corner of Jervis and Davie, down stairs."

"Woah, you certainly have all this all planned dontcha?" Lucy grinned at her. Renee blushed, caught off guard at being slightly discovered.

"Let's just say," she said in a low intimate voice, "that something big is going to happen tonite, and leave it at that."

On an impulse, she went over to Lucy and bent down to kiss her soundly on the lips. With a smile and a giggle she was gone, leaving an astonished Lucy behind. Was this the same girl who would bitch and moan days in advance of any scene where she had to kiss Lucy on screen, then blush and stammer like a school girl while they actually filmed it?

"Yes, indeed, dear, I think that something big really is gonna happen tonite." she said to the door, with a small smile on her face.


It was a half hour before 8, and Hudson was just putting the final touches on Renee's makeup and hair. Once she believed she was finished, she stood back and told her to stand up in front of her. When she took in the entire site, a huge grin spread across her face.

"Well? Do I look okay?" Renee asked, smoothing the dress out.

"You, my dear Duchess, live up to your nickname tonite. You look absolutely incredible." Hudson took her hands and squeezed them. "I tell you, I do good work."

Renee laughed, and then sighed from nerves. She couldn't keep from smiling, despite the fact that her stomach was a big ball of knots. She embraced Hudson tightly and kissed her again.

"I know I keep on saying this, but I feel like I can't say it enough. Thank you so much, Dodgy, really and truly."

"Well you're welcome really and truly. Now go on down, the limo is probably waiting for you."

Hudson walked her to the elevator, holding her gloved hand tightly and reassuring her again and again. With a final kiss farewell, Renee got onto the elevator and Hudson smiled at her till the doors closed. Then, and only then, when hidden from her love's sight, did she begin to weep. Big tears poured down her cheeks as she silently walked back to her room, her heart breaking over letting her sweet one go.


Lucy pulled up at the corner of Jervis and Davie, and stepped out of the limo, one long limb at a time. She went into the little door marked "The Blue Angels" and went down a long flight of stairs. She went in the door at the bottom and entered a gorgeous bar.

It was dark and smoke filled, with private booths and a long, dimly lit dance floor. A jazz band played at a small stage, with a beautiful, volumputus black woman singing with all her heart. A hand girl came up to her and took her wrap, and a hostess greeted her.

"I'm supposed to be meeting a friend here."

"Oh yes, she's been expecting you. Right this way, Ms. Lawless." The hostess lead her down the side of the dance floors that were lined with the booths to one in the far corner. As she walked down the room, she noticed that all the patrons here seemed to be women, abet some of them transgender, usually accompanied by a drop-dead gorgeous woman. She sat down at the table and waited for Renee.

She was looking around rather distractedly, not paying any real attention till a figure stood in front of her, a few feet away. Lucy noticed her finally, a lovely, beautiful woman, dressed like a Chinese goddess, doll-like in her perfection. It wasn't until she looked up into the woman's eyes did she realize who it was.

"Re-Renee?" she stuttered in disbelief.

She stood before her, dressed in an ankle length black silk dress, embroidered with Chinese style flowers which became more heavy as they reached the hem, so the bottom of it was encrusted with deep colour. Over her shoulders was a short little red silk jacket, short sleeved with the side buttons of a cheongsam, cut open to show her cleavage above the low cut of the dress. She wore wrist length black lace gloves, her arms laying gracefully about her, her head set high upon her perfect neck. >From her perfectly ringleted hair that hung about her red lipped, dark lidded face to rest upon her shoulders down to her red satin ankle strap heels, she looked like a vision not of this earth.

"Do I look okay Lucy?"she asked with a coy little look under her long lashes.

"My Goddess, Renee." Lucy was speechless as she stood up and went over to her, grasping the gloved hands in her own.

"I'll take that as a yes." she giggled at her gaping expression, and knowing now how to work this "en-som-blaah," gently leaned onto her other leg so that it came out from the high slit. Lucy looked down at the leg, seeing the laced top of her stockings, as well as the garter belt holding it up. Her eyes trailed up from that to Renee's eyes, still with the overwhelmed expression, raised an eyebrow at her, with a definite something burning in her eyes.

"Come sit Lucy, lets order some drinks." Renee lead her back to the table, Lucy still speechless, and sat down across from her, not letting go of her hands. A waitress approached and smiled broadly at them both.

"Pleasure to see you two ladies here. You make as striking of a couple off screen as you do on, let me say." the waitress said with a wink at Renee. Lucy looked over at her, waiting for her to get embarrassed and hide. Instead she saw Renee smiling at her, with no shame whatsoever.

"Thank you very much, I know Lucy and I both take that as a compliment. We'll have two double martinis please." Renee ordered for them.

She sat back and looked Lucy over, smiling giddily to herself. She was trying her hardest to keep this cool exterior, even if inside she was dying of nerves and excitement. When Lucy had looked at her so hungrily, she thought she was going to explode from it all.

Lucy, of course, looked beautiful. She sat like a queen, her long body so poised on the chair, her long legs crossed in front of her driving Renee wild. She was dressed beautifully tonite aswell, in a tight corset of black satin, her breasts sitting high in it, her legs snaking out of the high slit in the form fitting black satin skirt that wrapped itself about her lower half like a second skin. Her shoulders, neck, arms and back were left bare from the shoulderless corset, her hair pulled up on top of her head in big curls which fell in her smoky eyes when she moved slightly. Her shoes were rhinestone encrusted sandals, the ankles wrapped with a continuous rhinestone streak which ended mid-calf. They were beautiful shoes on their own, but on Lucy's sculpted feet and ankles they looked sublime.

"You look beautiful tonight, Lucy, if I may say so." she grinned at her. "Thank you, sweetheart. I must say this is all very overwhelming. I suppose it all leads up to this big 'something' that is supposed to happen?"

"You'll see, you'll see." Renee winked at her, then gave her another sweeping glance. If only her heart would stop beating so wildly! She felt like she was on some kind of high, she was so excited. So far it was going better than she had hoped.

The waitress came back with their drinks, and Renee pulled out a long ivory cigarette holder, and lit the smoke that was in it. Lucy smiled joyously at her, this little accessory being a favorite of hers, especially in how her little Duch would work it so eloquently.

The large black singer was now singing one of Lucy's favorite Luther Vandross songs "Love The One You're With." She brightened up when it started and begun to move a bit to the music in her chair.

"You wanna dance, sweets?" she asked Renee.

It wasn't an unusual request, her and Renee often danced together on set or at cast and crew parties. Renee agreed with an enthusiastic nod and laid down her cigarette holder. She followed Lucy out onto the floor and put her arms around her neck , happy to find herself alittle more even in height to her in her high heels. They twirled and danced through the song, with Lucy singing it to her, both with big smiles on their faces. They started their 'loving dance', where they rotated their hips in unison, and with the beat. Rob would usually leave the room when they started this, but tonite there was no men there to pooh-pooh the sexual undertones in this dance.

They went on to dance to a few other songs, and they were having so much fun that Renee forgot why she was there. It was just the natural synchronization they always had, partly why they could dance so well together. They knew the other's next action, could predict it so well that they flowed very well together.

"Old '55" began, and Lucy took Renee's hand and pulled her into her body, wrapping her long arms about the younger woman's torso. She smiled broadly at her shocked face, and begun to slightly sway the both of them. Renee couldn't contain the blush that crept up onto her cheeks at this intimacy, but as soon as she got her wits together, she tightened her embrace on Lucy and looked deep into her eyes, hoping maybe she could tell her this way, so she wouldn't actually have to use words to express it.

But the song had ended and Lucy pulled away, grinning at her like an old friend, and Renee knew she wouldn't be able to use that route. They went back to their booth, this time Renee made sure she was sitting beside Lucy. She reached over and lit up another cigarette, and smoked it leisurely. When she glanced over, she saw Lucy looking at her intently, with eyes burning with something never there before.

Lucy put her arm around the back of where Renee was sitting and angled her body so they were cut off from view. Her hand reached up and she begun to light stroke one of Renee's perfect ringlets, wrapping it around her finger and bouncing it slightly. It was such an intimate touch, and they were so closed off from everyone. Renee leaned back against her arm and kept her locked gaze with Lucy.

She was so close to her now that she could feel her breath lightly fanning her face. Her heart was beating so fast now, her heart's desire touching her like this. She felt her nerves stand on end when Lucy's hand went to her cheek and lightly caressed it. This was all the incentive she needed, as she sat up, put a hand behind Lucy's long neck and pulled her to her. She kissed her for a few moments, taking in the taste, the feel. By the Gods, she thought, this must be heaven. When she pulled away Lucy smiled at her, slightly surprised.

"Well Gabrielle, what a change!" she said jokingly.

"This isn't Gabrielle, it's me Renee." she answered in all levity, "and, the reason I brought you here. . ."

It was there, the moment, but as she raised her eyes to meet Lucy's, the glint of her engagement ring caught her eye. With that her courage disappeared in one fail swoop. Oh god what was she doing? Like Lucy would leave Rob for her! She was just some nothing, a little girl with a misplaced crush. Oh Jesus Christ, she thought, I have to get the hell out of here.

"Could you excuse me for a moment ?" She mumbled and scooted out the other way of the booth, running away with tears pouring down her face. She was at the door before she was stopped by hands on her shoulders. She looked up into the face of Hudson and broke down against her.

"Oh Hudson, why did you let me think that she would even think of wanting to come to me? She loves Rob, she could never love me." she sobbed.

"Have you even asked her?" Hudson said trying to calm her.

"No, but why bother!"

"You listen to me, dry your face and go on back there, and let Lucy decide that, you here me?" Hudson wiped her face clean. "I'll help okay, I was about to go up and play a little song for you two. You just get her out on the dance floor and tell her to listen to the words of the song. Now go on!"

With that Hudson turned her around and sent her back to the table. By the time she reached Lucy her courage, abet still wavery, was now at least intact. Lucy looked up at her with concerned eyes, and Renee managed her best smile.

"I just had to ask the band for a particular song. Would you like to dance?" she held out a hand to her. Lucy's grin returned and she took the hand, standing up and following her out to the dance floor.

The song begun, with Hudson sitting at the piano, singing into the mic there. Renee pulled Lucy close, wrapping her arms around her neck and smiling broadly.

"Listen to the lyrics, love." she said, holding Lucy eyes.

The words, the song were very familiar to Renee, though she couldn't realize why.

"Listen as the wind blows, from across the great divide, voices trapped in yearning, memories trapped in time. The night is my companion, and solitude my guide. Would I spend forever here and not be satisfied?" Hudson's voice was gorgeous, like warm honey. And these words were exactly it.

"And I would be the one to hold you down kiss you so hard I'll take your breath away and after I wipe away the tears just close your eyes dear." She couldn't figure out why these words were so familiar. . .but as the song went on, she realized that it was really Hudson singing this to her.

"Through this world I stumbled so many times betrayed trying to find an honest word to find the truth enslaved oh I speak to you in riddles and I speak to you in rhymes, my body aches to breath your breath, your words keep me alive." She looked up and into Hudson's eyes, up there on stage. Such love there, such devotion. Renee looked over, to Lucy's eyes and saw the passion, the deep adoration, the love there aswell. Her eyes went back and forth, taking it in, deciding.

"And through this night I wander, its morning that I dread another day of knowing of the path I fear to tread, oh into the sea of waking dreams I follow with out pride and nothing stands between us here and I won't be denied." She looked finally into the eyes of her love, the woman she adored, and knew that this was the woman she was always meant to be with.

"And I would be the one to hold you down kiss you so hard I'll take your breath away and after I wipe away the tears just close your eyes dear, oh just close your eyes. . ."


Oh! Who could it be?? I don't know!! Howse about you telling me! Email me your version of who you think she went to (doesn't even have to be Hudson or Lucy) and post them too, I dare ya!! And if you're Renee, Hudson or Lucy and you're reading this, I sincerely hope you'll give us your suggestions! "Possession" is Goddess Sarah McLachlan's possession. The one used here is the hidden track on "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy" *AWESOME CD!* This was based on some Gaydar inklings from Hudson/Callisto, cause I honestly do think she has a wee crush on Renee/Gabrielle. As for Sandra Wilson's attitude on the lesbian aspect of Xena, it's not my place to say and take no stock in what I think as being right. Props to MommaROC for all she does.