By the time I walked through the door it was nearly eleven o'clock, and I was startled to find my parents sitting in the living room, apparently waiting up for me. Taking a look at the blank expressions on their faces, I took it that this was not a good thing. Something told me I wasn't going to like whatever was going on.
"It's late," said my father, and I sat down in the recliner chair across from the sofa.
I sighed. "I know. I'm sorry."
"Where were you?"
"I needed to go talk to Kevyn. She was upset about something," was all I told them, trying not to go into any detail, and also trying hard to hide the grin that wanted to break out at the thought of her. Damn. That wouldn't look good when I was attempting to look appropriately regretful.
"You've been missing a lot of time here on the ranch. A lot of meals."
I frowned slightly. "I know… but, she's new around here. I've just been showing her around, trying to be a friend." Yeah, that was good. This wasn't so bad, after all.
"We think you've been spending too much time with her."
"What?"
My father took a deep breath, folding his hands into a steeple, placing the tips of his fingers at the bridge of his nose, a posture I noticed Bastiaan copied often when he was thinking hard about what to say. That did not bode well.
His deep verdant gaze found mine. "I ran into her father, Patrick, at the feed store last week, buying food for their dogs. We talked for a while. Kevyn happened to come up in the conversation." I tried not to look as on edge as that statement made me feel. "He mentioned some interesting things. They lived in San Francisco, which is apparently a more… liberal city in California. He said she'd had some trouble with a few of her… girlfriends, or whatever they're called, and hoped Montana would be good for her, too. 'Help her meet nicer people', he said. Kevyn is a lesbian." My father spat out the word as though it tasted horrible, and it was then that I realized with a sinking sensation in my heart that my own father, the man who raised me to be understanding and tolerant of others, the man I'd looked up to for my entire life, was prejudiced.
Forcing myself not to react, I still tried to look casual. "Okay…"
"You being with someone… like that… so often… We're afraid it's not good for you, Annika." Oh god, this came from my mother. I had told Bastiaan just the week before that they came from a different school of thought, and that was true, but oh, it hurt so much when I discovered I was right. I had to warn my brother that it was best not to tell them he was gay. It wouldn't go over well. We would both have to live our lives in secret, never being able to tell our parents about our triumphs and our sadness; the people who had brought us into the world would never truly understand us.
I was suddenly very, very sad.
I looked at my parents as though I had never seen them before.
"You should find more people your age," my mother was still speaking, and I tried hard to concentrate on her words. "It's good that you're making friends, but you have to be careful, AJ. Go out with Stacey, let her introduce you to some of her friends; I'm sure she wouldn't mind that. And you should meet her boyfriend. I'm sure Bastiaan knows some nice kids from school. We'll invite them over for dinner some night, and have them bring some people they know. Would you like that?"
Busy fighting back tears and nausea, I could only nod. If you only knew, I thought. I knew they wanted me to meet more people because they were worried about Kevyn 'turning' me into a lesbian by being around her so much. Oh, if they knew the truth…
If they knew the truth, I somehow don't think their words would still be this calm. I sighed. If this was what Bastiaan had lived with for however many years, this fear, this knowledge, he was far stronger than I was.
My dad smiled thinly. "Good. We'll have them over Friday night, then."
I stood on shaking legs. "Can I go to bed now? I'm tired."
"One more thing," continued my father. "I think it might be a good idea if you stayed away from Kevyn for a while. A week, maybe. That will give you a chance to meet some other people."
"I… you can't do that! She's my friend."
"AJ…"
I refused to listen. "No. She needs a friend. She doesn't know anyone here, her mom is sick…" I clenched my jaw. "I won't leave her alone."
My parents exchanged glances which I couldn't quite decipher.
After a long, tense minute, my dad got to his feet. His body language told me he was going to tell me something, and there would be no negotiating. This was final. He gave the impression that he was the boss, and I would listen and obey, because he said so. I hated it when he got like that, which wasn't very often.
"You will not see her before the dinner on Friday night," he stated, leaving no room for discussion.
"But…"
My mother shook her head. "No, AJ. Trust us on this. It's for your own good, sweetheart. We're just doing what's best."
I felt my nostrils flare as I began losing the battle with my emotions, and tears brimmed in my eyes. "Fine," I breathed, trying hard not to growl, knowing that would only get me into trouble for being disrespectful. "Can I go now?"
Justin nodded. "Yes. We'll see you in the morning."
I ran up the stairs, but never made it to my room. I knew it was late, but I had to see Bastiaan. There was no way I'd be able to talk, not right away, but if I went to my room I was afraid I'd break something. I had so much anger, so much pain, so much sadness, so much feeling, I wasn't sure what I'd do. Not bothering to knock, I opened the door, and went to his bedside.
"Bastiaan," I choked.
He sat up, slowly, rubbing at his eyes. "AJ? What's wrong?"
I fell into his arms, sobbing into his shoulder. He put his arms around me, moving so I could curl up beside him, and held me securely.
"What's going on, Annika?" he asked, softly, after the flow had ebbed a bit.
I was hiccupping so much I didn't think I'd be able to say anything, but I tried. "Mom and… Dad. They said… they said I can't see Kevyn. Patrick told Dad and… he doesn't… they don't think it's good. Oh, Bastiaan... we can't tell them, we can't ever tell. I can't see her until Friday night. They want me to… meet more people." I wasn't making sense, but I kept talking. "They think it's for my own good. But it's not. She is. And I want to be with her but they won't, they won't let me. We can't ever tell."
My brother rubbed my back, sighing gently. "I'm sorry, Annika. I'm so sorry."
"For what?"
"I thought they were acting strangely tonight, but I didn't think anything of it. I should have known something was up when I didn't hear them go to bed before I did."
I shook my head. "You didn't know. This is how you feel all the time, isn't it?"
"If I think I know how you're feeling, then yes."
"I can't do it. I can't."
"What do you mean?"
I looked at him, carefully. "I'm so mad, Bastiaan. Why are they doing this? How can they think like that? And it hurts so much… You were right, I told Kevyn the truth, and we talked. She kissed me again. I kissed her. I was so happy tonight, and I can't even tell mom or dad," I said, heavily. "We've always been able to share everything with them, but tonight they made it sound like it was so disgusting, so horrible…"
"Like you said, Annika, they come from a different generation, a different way of thinking. They don't understand. And what people don't understand, they fear. Fear can give way to anger," he explained. "I know it hurts. It's very hard not to tell them everything, because we want them to be as happy as we are." I nodded. "But sometimes that doesn't always work. That's why I started telling them Bobby was a girl a few months ago. Just change a few pronouns and they never know."
I climbed under the covers with him, something I hadn't done since I'd had bad dreams in my childhood. He just moved over so I could share the pillow.
"I don't want to lie to them, Bastiaan. I don't want to have to lie about who I am and what makes me smile."
"I know."
"But I have to."
He nodded, and said again, "Yes. I know."
I rubbed my eyes as they began to ache with dried tears. "I hate this. How can I be so happy about one thing and then so angry about another? I never thought I'd be this mad at mom and dad, Bastiaan."
"You're not mad at them," he corrected, "you're mad at how they're acting. It might be all they know, AJ. They were probably raised to believe this way."
"But dad always taught us to be so open-minded. He's one of the funniest and most easy-going people I know." Granted, I didn't know many people, but Bastiaan agreed.
"I'd say the same thing about him," my brother stated. "And if you didn't know Kevyn, he might not have cared at all what Patrick told him. It can be different when it affects his daughter, or he is afraid it will."
Having said enough on this subject for my stomach to handle for one night, we fell into silence for a while, as I tried to steady my breathing and get a grip on my emotions. Much of what Bastiaan said made sense, and gave me a lot to think about.
"What does GLBT stand for?" I asked, suddenly remembering the letters that Kevyn had mentioned.
"Gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender," elaborated my sibling, easily. I was quiet again, and he kissed my forehead, biting back a large yawn. "Get some sleep, AJ. No, you can stay here," he said, when I made a move to get up, "you're okay. If you want to talk any more, just wake me up, all right?"
I nodded, and put my head against his arm as I took a deep breath.
It took me a long time to fall asleep.
* * * * *
Breakfast was difficult, and I thought it would never end. I refused to say a single word, determined to show my parents just how unfairly they were treating me. My brother said little, chatting with our folks as if he didn't know anything, but was only dimly aware of the tension at the table. My father kept looking at me sternly, as if to tell me he wasn't going back on the sentence. Mother, on the other hand, didn't look at much of anything besides her plate.
I cleared the table and went to the door to pull on my boots so I could go riding.
My dad stopped me. "No, AJ."
I looked up. He had to be joking. "I can't go riding?"
He shook his head.
"But, I'm just… I just want to see the mustangs. I swear that's all." It was raining off and on, but I figured they would still be at the Point, and I needed to get out of the house.
"No. You can spend the day in the house."
I stood quickly, angry. "I don't believe this. I'm being punished for making friends." With that, I stormed up to my room, not giving him a chance to respond. I turned on my stereo and tried to drown out my anger with music, singing along with Avril Lavigne and Alanis Morrisette. I needed kick-ass-and-take-names music. Those ladies were good for it.
That's probably why I didn't hear the phone ring, and didn't realize Bastiaan was knocking at the door until it swung open.
I turned down the volume enough to hear what he had to say. He pointed to the phone and mouthed, "Kevyn". I turned my stereo down some more and picked up the phone, waiting until I heard him hang up to speak.
"Hey."
Kevyn was cheerful, so apparently Bastiaan hadn't told her anything. "Hi there, beautiful. I just thought I'd call to see what you were up to."
"Nothing."
"Want to go riding?"
I leaned my forehead against the wall above my bed, before letting myself fall back against the pillows. "I can't," I sighed.
She paused. "What's wrong, Nikka?"
"My parents said I can't see you for a while."
"They know?"
"No. But your dad told my dad, and now they think it's not good that I hang around you so much," I told her. "At first they said a week, but then my dad said I can't see you before tomorrow night, and they have some dinner planned with a bunch of kids my age."
I heard a gentle sigh. "I'm sorry, Nikka. Usually my dad is very careful; he knows not to say anything. He probably just slipped. I'll talk to him."
I shrugged. "I just miss you."
"And I miss you," she echoed. "So you can't go out at all?"
"Nope. I already tried just going out to Mustang Point, and my dad said I couldn't. It's so horrible, Kevyn. How can they be so angry about something they don't even understand?"
She told me the same thing as Bastiaan, about how that was exactly why they were upset, because they didn't understand.
"My parents were always supportive, but it took them a while to accept that their daughter is a lesbian," she said. "Your parents are probably just worried." I wasn't so sure about that. They seemed angry to me. Not worried. Repulsed. "Most people know it's not an easy thing, to be different, and all parents want is for their children to be safe and happy. Something that makes them stand out has a tendency to hurt them, and that worries them, sometimes beyond a point of being rational."
I didn't think I understood all that, but it was another view, I supposed.
"So it wouldn't be a good idea for me to put this letter in your mailbox, huh?"
My shoulders sagged. "Probably not," I sighed. "I'm sorry they're being so difficult."
"Hey," she said, gently, "don't apologize. It's not your fault, Nikka. I understand."
"At least somebody does."
"Annika, don't be so hard on them, or yourself, please. Your parents are only trying to protect you. They think that if you hang around with me that you'll get hurt by who I am," that was ridiculous, "and it's not the first time I've had something like this happen. We'll talk on the phone, and get through this until we can see each other again, all right?"
She sounded so sure that everything would work out. "Okay."
A smile. "Good. Thank you. Oh, and let me tell you, thank you for last night."
Even I had to smile, now. "You're welcome."
"I still have your shirt, you know."
"Keep it," I chuckled. "I've got plenty more, believe me."
"Well, good, I didn't want to give it back. It smells like you."
I blinked. "It smells like me?"
"Yes. In fact, I'm wearing it now."
I grinned. Why did that make me feel so good?
Suddenly, my door swung open again, but this time, it wasn't Bastiaan. It was my father. He must have wondered why I'd suddenly turned down the volume on my stereo… but had he heard me talking?
Oh, this was bad. My smile faded instantly.
"Who are you talking to?"
Kevyn fell quiet as she heard his voice.
I got to my feet slowly. What did I tell him? If I lied and he found out, he'd probably be even angrier with me.
"Kevyn."
His eyes narrowed. "Did you call her?"
If I told him that she'd called me, he'd probably never let me have a phone in my room again, and make me dial all my calls from the phone in the kitchen.
I nodded. "Yeah. I called her."
"Nikka!" came from the other end of the line, but I didn't respond.
"Hang up."
I swallowed. "I've got to go," I told Kevyn, and hit the button that turned the phone off, replacing it on its base. My father and I stared at each other for a while, neither of us moving.
Finally, he shook his head. "We're doing what is best for you, Annika. Why can't you just listen? I said no contact with that girl until after tomorrow night."
I frowned. "No, you said I couldn't see her. I'm not. We were just talking on the phone."
"Don't get technical with me, Annika."
"You set the rules."
My father set his jaw. "Watch your tone, young lady."
I looked down.
I could smell his aftershave as he came closer, reaching around me to pull the phone cord out of the wall, wrapping it around the phone and walking towards the door. I was too stunned by his actions to say a word.
"You will ask permission if you need to make a phone call, and call from the kitchen phone." Damn, I'd told the truth and I still got this treatment. "I don't like doing this to you, AJ, but… it's obvious that this girl isn't good for you. You're already breaking rules." Whether or not I had truly broken any rules was a gray area that I decided not to bring up.
Suddenly, my mother was there, too, and he gave her the phone. "What is it about her that has you disobeying us, AJ? Has she…" I could tell she was having trouble forming the words, "done anything to you? Has she made you do anything to her? Anything at all, baby? You can tell us if she has, we'll take care of it."
My stomach turned as I realized what my mother was referring to. My God, she was asking me if Kevyn had molested me, touched me in a way I didn't want her to… Well, I could answer that one easily and honestly, with a single word, even.
"No. She would never hurt me," I added, feeling sick. How could the people in front of me making these implications be my parents?
"Are you sure? You know, sometimes these people, they…"
I couldn't hear anymore. "No! Kevyn would never hurt me. I called her on the phone to let her know that I wouldn't be able to see her for the next few days, all right? You want me to meet new people, and then I get in trouble when I do. You were perfectly happy with me hanging around with her before you found out she's a lesbian, and now, suddenly, she has some sort of disease and I can't be around her? What happened to not judging people, letting God do that?" I snapped.
None of us were extremely religious, but we went to Easter and Christmas services at the local church, and my father's view had always been that it was God's place to judge. We humans just made friends where we could, with tolerance and respect.
So much for that.
"God won't judge them, AJ, they aren't of His kingdom. They have no place, they shouldn't be here," said my mother, as evenly as though she was telling me the weather. She truly believed that.
Now I knew I was going to throw up.
"I'm going to go spend some time with Hamlet," I said, abruptly, and walked past them. I couldn't take any more of that. I ran into the bathroom on my way downstairs and closed the door behind me, bracing my hands on the sink, hanging my head as I fought to keep my breakfast in my stomach. My world was spinning around me and my parents were blurring more and more and I had no idea how to stop it.
I spent the next day and a half in my room. Sometimes I brought Hamlet up with me, sometimes Rhett or one of the dogs, and sometimes I was just by myself. I stared at the ceiling, rambling to my pets or my brother, who came in once and then left me to sulk.
"They hate me, Hamlet," I told the bird, once; some time Thursday night, I believe. "They're telling me all these things, and they don't even realize that they're saying they hate me."
"Pretty Hamlet."
"Yes, I know. But that doesn't help me any. Much as I would like to just take you and your beautiful feathers on the road, I don't think it would do any good about my current situation, you know?" He walked across my bed carefully, and began tugging on a thread on my shirt. "Hey, quit that." I gently tapped his beak, and he blinked at me, shaking his head.
"Good bird."
I scratched the back of his neck, and he fluffed up, kissing my wrist. Stepping up on my thigh, he walked up my torso until he stood on my chest, and I raised an eyebrow at him as he tilted his head to look at me.
"Can I help you with something, Hamlet?"
He kissed my nose.
"You're a silly bird."
Seeing that my mood wasn't improving, he bent his head to scratch under his wing, and then straightened back up. Tasting the skin on my cheek, he began preening my hair, and meowed.
I laughed in spite of myself. "Thanks, Hamlet. You knew I needed that, didn't you?" I took him back to his cage a few minutes later, managing to avoid seeing either of my parents on the way. Patting Rhett, who was sprawled out on the couch in the perfect position to make faces at Hamlet, I returned to my room and finished a few drawings. Then came a silent dinner, and I listened to music before falling asleep, greatly missing what had become my nightly conversations with Kevyn.
Stacey arrived at six o'clock on Friday night, as my parents had dictated, with her boyfriend in tow. He had brought two of his football buddies, it seemed, and Stacey said that the friend she had invited along would be coming in a few minutes. The next knock on the door was Bobby, the 'friend' Bastiaan had claimed to want to introduce me to, and while I was glad they would get to spend some time together, I was a little aggravated that I didn't get to see Kevyn.
Bastiaan introduced him as Robert.
Tad, Stacey's boyfriend, was nice. He treated Stacey kindly, as far as I could tell, and was quite respectful, though his friends - Buck and Henry, as it were - left much to be desired. They were polite with my parents, but sent leers in my and Stacey's direction every chance they got. At any given time, one of them was undressing me with his eyes, and the other was smiling obnoxiously. I rolled my eyes. Great. This was going to be a long night.
I answered the next knock at six-thirty, and my jaw dropped. There, wearing boot-cut black jeans with a light blue shirt, tucked-in, and a tan jacket, was my girlfriend.
"Kevyn? What are you doing here?" I pulled the door half-shut, afraid my parents would see her and kick her out or something.
Stacey came up beside me and put her hand on my arm. "I invited her, sweet cheeks. AJ, meet Kevyn. Kevyn, this is my best friend, AJ." I hugged her tightly, whispering a fierce "thank you", and her eyes were twinkling as she pulled back.
I smiled brightly at the redhead, and opened the door all the way to let her in. I wanted nothing more than to throw my arms around her and keep her right next to me for the whole evening, but I saw my parents coming from the kitchen, and tensed.
"Justin, Susan, this is my friend, Kevyn." Stacey didn't have time to turn the introductions around before my mother took a step back. I saw the hurt flash across Kevyn's eyes, which seemed to be mostly gold tonight as they blended with her outfit, and I winced.
"It's nice to meet you," said Kevyn, softly, offering her hand, hiding her pain well. Neither of my parents took it, so she dropped it back to her side after a moment. Every one else watched the exchanged with interest, Buck and Henry whispering to themselves. They were discussing football plays, I was sure, since that seemed to be about the only words in their vocabulary. Well, football issues and idiotic one-liners that I believe were meant to be followed by something other than laughter… but so far, that was the only response I could come up with.
My mom went back into the kitchen to finish setting the table, my dad went to clean the den, Bastiaan and Bobby were chatting politely on the couch, and I was left with the rest of my company.
Henry sniggered, his brown crop of hair falling into his eyes. "Who's the dyke?" he asked, and Buck elbowed him, sharing in the joke. I growled, making a move towards them, but Kevyn shot me a look that could not be misread: don't. I didn't understand. They were being rude and mean, and to her… how did she expect me to let that go?
Stacey whispered something into Tad's ear, and he nodded. Grabbing his friends by the backs of their thick necks, he led them aside, speaking lowly. My friend came up and put an arm around my shoulders, casually telling me, "It wouldn't look good if you did something to defend Kevyn. Tad's taking care of it. Be careful, sweetie."
I nodded, and she went to meet her boyfriend, kissing him gently in thanks for his help. Henry and Buck looked properly chastised, and though I was tempted to throw an evil glare in their direction, Kevyn walked up beside me and mentioned in a voice that carried to the other guests that we had a nice house.
I smiled, realizing what she was doing. "Thank you. How about I give you all a tour?" I offered, and everyone nodded. Stacey, of course, knew our house inside and out, but she went along, hand-in-hand with Tad, keeping an eye on Tweedle-Dumb and Tweedle-Dumber while giving Kevyn a chance to walk up front with me. We walked close together, but made sure to keep an appropriate distance between us.
The inside of the house came first, and I told my dad we were going outside so I could show them the horses and such, and he agreed, sending Bastiaan and Bobby along. They took up the rear, and my little group of tourists followed along dutifully. It didn't take long, though Tad seemed interested by the cattle, and Henry and Buck thought it necessary to ask about what was on the rest of our land. I told them we had part of Spring Creek running through the property, some vegetation, and wild mustangs. I think I confused them on the "vegetation" part, because then they said they thought Stacey's mom was the only vet, and with a sigh, I led everyone back into the house for dinner.
My mother instructed everyone on where to sit. My father was at the head, with Bastiaan on one side and me on the other. Bobby sat next to my brother, then Tad and Stacey. My mother sat beside me, then came Henry and Buck and, finally, at the opposite end of the table from my father, sat Kevyn. She was about as far away from me as she could be, and I noticed. I was sure that was deliberate.
We kept a silent conversation going throughout dinner, Kevyn and I. I'd glance at her if Stacey made an amusing comment, and saw her eyes light up a bit to tell me she was laughing, since it had quickly been discovered that a smile in my direction, even because of laughter, caused my parents to exchange a wary glance. My father kept shooting her glances of his own, and our eyes would meet shortly after so I could convey my apologies. She raised an eyebrow at me each time, and I knew she didn't want me to feel bad, but I couldn't help it. Here she was, sitting in my home, sharing a meal, and feeling unwanted. I felt terrible.
Kevyn contributed to conversation where she could, Stacey doing her best to keep her involved as much as possible, asking questions about California and college. Either my mom or dad would deftly change the subject after a few minutes, to something like the local football team or whether Stacey would be following in her mother's footsteps and become a veterinarian… things which had nothing to do with Kevyn. She knew a bit about football, and tried to put in a few of her own comments, but my dad looked to Henry pointedly and asked how it was looking for the local high school team to take the playoffs.
"That was wonderful, honey," said my father, when we had all finished eating, and murmurs of the same sort were heard from around the table, everyone complimenting my mother on her culinary skills. She smiled with the praise, and Bastiaan and I helped clear the table quickly, going back to our guests as soon as we were given the okay.
"I'm sorry," I mouthed to Kevyn, and she just gave me a small smile. We all chatted for a little while, before dad came into the living room and said it was getting late, and everyone took that as their cue to leave. He cast a disapproving look in my direction when he saw that I was sitting beside Kevyn, and I just met his gaze until he walked back into the den with my mother.
Stacey and Tad said their goodbyes first, Stacey giving me a strong hug before they left. I kissed her cheek and promised to call her the next day if I had the chance. Tad got a quick hug, too, and then they drug Henry and Buck out the door before either of them had an opportunity to come near me. Kevyn left, then, whispering quietly that she didn't want to be seen as the last to leave, and turned before I could draw her to me. That was probably for the best. Bobby left not long after, giving me a hug, and I patted his back, glad he was able to see the ranch as he'd wanted.
"I'm going to bed," I called, walking up the stairs just behind Bastiaan, after seeing Bobby to his car, but my dad called me back. I sighed. Bastiaan sent me a smile of encouragement before retreating to his room. I turned and walked into the kitchen, sinking into a chair when it was motioned that I should do so.
"See, now that wasn't so bad, was it? You got to meet some nice people," said my mother, and I shrugged.
"Yeah, it was fine." The only person I'd really gotten to "meet" that would come close to qualifying as nice was Tad, but I wasn't going to tell them that.
My dad shook his head. "I don't see why you had to make such a big deal out of this, AJ."
I looked at him, easily. "You didn't know Kevyn was coming, did you?"
"Of course not."
"And she wasn't so bad, now was she?" I mocked.
My mother frowned at me. "AJ," she scolded, and I mumbled an apology.
"The only reason we let her stay was because she was a guest of Stacey's," came the cold response from my father. "You weren't supposed to be around her influence tonight, but you were. You won't have any contact with her until next weekend."
I stood, quickly. "That's not fair! It's not like I planned for her to come over. Stacey invited her, not me. You said I'd only have to stay away until tomorrow," I reminded, anger lacing my voice.
My dad also got to his feet, towering over me with his presence, though he was only slightly taller than me physically. "I changed my mind."
"You can't do that!" I cried. This wasn't fair at all!
Mom looked at me, pleading with me to calm down. "This is for your own good, AJ. Trust us. She's not good for you to be around." Was that all she could say? 'For my own good'? What the hell did she know about it?
"Don't give me that! There's no reason for you not to like her. You're just afraid of her. Just because she's a lesbian doesn't mean she's evil, or that she's going to hurt me or get me in trouble. She's my friend! You can invite whoever you want to come eat dinner, but you will never find someone who cares about me like she and Stacey do." I knew I had to throw Stacey in there, or they'd get really suspicious. "Henry and Buck were just thinking of the quickest way to get me into bed, in case you didn't notice, but you'd rather have me hang around them than Kevyn!"
"Annika Justine! That's enough," roared my dad, and I bit my lip. I hadn't meant to shout. "Go to your room. Your mother and I will let you know exactly what we're going to do in the morning."
With a heavy sigh, I trudged up to my room. This was very bad.
* * * * *
I awoke the next morning to a feeling of dread. What if my parents were going to tell me that I couldn't see Kevyn for a whole two weeks, or longer, because of what I'd said? I'd have to call and tell her it was all my fault; I'd talked back and got myself in a whole heap of trouble. She'd probably never want to talk to me again. And I would have no reason to blame her if she felt that way… I couldn't even keep myself out of trouble long enough to see her for a whole day.
I went down to breakfast with the depressing thought that not only had I angered my parents, but I'd angered Kevyn, and those few kisses would be all I'd ever get from her. My mother must have taken pity on my dejected expression, because as I was helping her with the omelets, she gently kissed the side of my head and whispered, "It'll be all right, AJ. You'll see."
Somehow, I managed to make it through breakfast, and waited as patiently as I could at the table afterward. My mom asked Bastiaan to clear the table, and he did, and then went up to his room, squeezing my shoulder gently as he walked past. My dad waited until my mom sat back down beside him to speak.
"It was my idea to ground you even longer. To keep you away from that girl at all costs. I don't like her, and I won't pretend otherwise," he said, and I hung my head. "However, your mother reminded me that you'll be eighteen soon, and very much an adult, and we would have little say over everything that you do, much less who you choose to spend your time with.
"I'll keep warning you against her, because what she does is unnatural and wrong," I felt my heart break as I knew for sure that my father would never be made happy by my own happiness, "but I will not forbid you from seeing her. Your place is outside of these walls, AJ, and once you are on the land, I can't watch your every move. Keeping you from that girl would mean keeping you from the horses and the land, your life."
I gave my mom an extremely grateful look for all the convincing I was sure she'd had to do to get my father to believe what he was telling me.
"You won't neglect this family," he was saying, and I faced him again. "Get permission if you're going to skip meals, and call if you're going to be late. You can see her, but she's not welcome in my home; do not bring her here."
I nodded. "Okay."
He closed his eyes briefly. "That's it."
"Can… can I have my phone back now?" I ventured, carefully, and he nodded, rising from his chair to retrieve it. I practically leapt over the table and gave my mom a strong hug.
"Thank you for talking to him," I murmured, and she returned the embrace.
"I want to see you happy, sweetheart. Just promise me you'll be careful…"
I promised. I knew she had nothing to worry about, but it seemed to make her feel better, so I promised. My dad came in with my phone, then, and I thanked him too as I took it from his hand. He said he only wanted me to be safe, but didn't offer an embrace; honestly, I don't think I expected one.
I turned and went to my room, reconnecting my phone and quickly dialing Kevyn's number to tell her the good news, and to see what she was doing in, oh… five minutes.
I was surprised when Diane answered.
"Hi, Diane… how are you feeling?"
"It's a good day, AJ. Thank you for asking. Here's Kevyn, dear," she said, calling for her daughter and giving her the phone.
"Hey, you. I didn't think I'd be hearing from you today."
I smiled. "Me neither. But my dad said he's not going to do anything to keep me from seeing you," I told her, and she was as excited as I'd hoped.
"Really?" I affirmed it. "That's great, Nikka!"
"Want to go riding?"
She was quiet for a second. "I do, baby, it's just… Mom doesn't have very many good days any more. I told her I'd spend the day inside with her."
"No problem. That sounds good. You two have fun," I grinned, feeling quite thrilled by the pet name she'd let slip.
I heard Diane's voice in the background, and then Kevyn asked, "Why don't you come join us, Nikka? I think mom just wants somebody else to beat in Scrabble, but I wouldn't mind seeing you myself."
Was I going to give up a chance to see her? Not on your life! Yes, I missed being outside, and even when it was raining I loved the outdoors, and I had been hoping to take Shannon out to Mustang Point and spend some time out there… but if Kevyn told me she was spending time in a submarine where we wouldn't see the surface for days on end, I'd figure out if I'd need to learn how to swim first, and join her in a heartbeat.
"That'd be great. If you're sure I won't intrude, Kevyn." She assured me that I wouldn't. Her dad was out talking with an aspiring artist about how to market his work, so it would be a day for just us girls. "All right. I'll be over in just a few minutes then."
"See you soon, baby."
I told my mom that I was going to see Kevyn and spend time with her mom, so I wasn't sure when I'd be back, but probably not before lunch. She told me to call if I was going to miss dinner, too, and I said I would, rushing out the door.
Today is going to be a good day, I thought, as I drove down the road, happily singing along with the radio. Then, I swallowed. Scrabble?
Kevyn greeted me at my truck; actually, she was waiting out front when I pulled up. I had scarcely put my foot out the door when she ran into my arms. I smiled and pulled her close, managing to get out of my truck with her still wrapped around me.
I chuckled against her, and kissed the top of her head. "I missed you too, honey, but I can't walk."
"Complaining?" She laughed, and kissed my cheek.
"Not at all," I said, quickly. "I'd stand here all day with you, but I thought I was coming over to see your mom, too." Finally, she stepped away, taking my hand securely and walking me towards the house. It appeared that she was going to keep hold of me all day, in one way or another. Good. That sounded like a wonderful idea to me.
Diane was sitting in a chair leaning against a few pillows, and did seem to be having a better day than the first time we'd met.
"Morning, AJ," she greeted, and I smiled, taking my hat off as I walked into the house.
"Good morning, Diane," I replied, politely. Seeing all the games stacked on the coffee table near Diane's chair, I felt my throat go dry. Scrabble, Boggle, Balderdash, Pictionary… they all involved reading… a lot of reading, for some of them. The only ones I saw that I could possibly get away with playing were Chinese Checkers, Dominoes, and what seemed to be a matching game with pictures. Anything else and my dyslexia stood to get in the way. I could read some, but if I tried for a long time it gave me a headache, and games where you had to make words, such as in Scrabble, had a tendency to truly stress me out. I'd think of a word, but when I put down the letters, they'd never turn out in the right order.
A tug on my hand brought me down on the couch beside Kevyn, and when I realized we were still holding hands, I had to remind myself that her parents knew about us. I think I had a built-in panic button or something. It was almost an instinct for me, to worry about anyone seeing Kevyn and I being affectionate or acting like a couple.
I blinked. A couple? I grinned. Yeah, works for me.
"What would you like to play first?"
I smiled as easily as possible and requested Chinese Checkers. We played two rounds of that, both of which I won, and then moved on to Dominoes at Kevyn's vote. Each of us won a play of that, and then it was Diane's turn to choose.
I could have kissed that woman when she looked to Kevyn and said, "Why don't you go put a movie in, sweetheart? That way we can all relax for a bit." Kevyn agreed, and led me over to the entertainment center on the other side of the room, calling out titles until Diane just told us to pick one ourselves. We decided on Sister Act, and made sure Diane was settled and comfortable on the sofa. Kevyn got another blanket from a closet in the hall, and I found my way around the kitchen well enough to fill a glass of water. When we were assured that she had everything she needed, Kevyn pressed the play button on the remote.
The best position to see the television was from the couch, and, since Diane was resting there, I decided to take the next best seat. Kevyn had brought some extra pillows along with the blanket for her mom, so I fluffed a few under my head and stretched out on the floor in front of the sofa. The small redhead wasted no time in claiming a spot right next to me, head on my shoulder and hand in mine, a position we kept throughout the movie.
I've always been rather fond of movies; as are most people, but I didn't really have the alternative option of reading. My choices of entertainment were the radio or the T.V., basically. I'd never been to a play, though theater had always sounded interesting. As I was normally outside as much as possible, I turned to nature to keep me occupied, and the animals were certainly a source of amusement. Rabbits and squirrels were fine characters for a comedy, horses were good for drama if there was an argument in the herd, and a fierce wind could kick up an amazing dust devil for the perfect thrill.
Lying there with Kevyn, however, I enjoyed every moment. I knew in a sudden instant that no matter what we were doing, whether we were inside watching T.V, outside on horseback, or just going for a walk, as long as it was 'we', I couldn't think of anything or anywhere better.
I blinked, no longer seeing the movie that was close to its end. What was this I was feeling? Why did I suddenly have a one-track mind, devoted wholly to Kevyn? I gathered that we were together now, and I knew that certain things were expected of me, being in a relationship and all. But I'd never been in a relationship before… what if I did something wrong? What if I didn't know what to do? Kevyn told me that we'd follow my pace, doing whatever I was comfortable with, but what was I comfortable with? I didn't have the slightest clue where to begin. Looks like I'd have a lot to talk about with my brother.
Kevyn's hand moved across my stomach, patting gently. I guess my emotions had come to the surface enough for her to notice my tension.
"You okay?" she asked, quietly.
"Sure," I said, forcing a small smile to the front and thoughts to the back.
There was that slight eyebrow raise again. "Uh-huh." She sounded anything but convinced, so I tried donning a more honest grin. No change in her expression, but she did settle back against my shoulder, absently rubbing my side through my shirt.
Diane's voice interrupted any attempt at an explanation I may have offered. "Kevyn, I think I'm going to head back to bed and get some rest, dear. AJ is welcome to stay as long as she likes." Kevyn was up in a flash and helping her mother to her feet. I followed suit, and we led her down the hall carefully, the redhead spending a good ten minutes fussing over her once she was lying in bed, before Diane promised she was only a little tired and urged Kevyn not to leave me standing in the doorway, as it was.
Kevyn walked over to me and led me back out into the living room, giving me a sheepish grin as she apologized. "I didn't forget about you, honest," she promised, "I just get a little protective, and…"
I held up my hand, stopping her from apologizing any further. "It's okay, Kevyn. Don't worry so much." I smiled gently, telling her I hadn't felt neglected in any way, and that I would never expect her to put me before her mother.
She tilted her head at me. "Really?"
"Of course." A smile spread across her face and she placed a brief kiss on my lips, resting her hands on my shoulders to balance herself as she stood on her tiptoes, before pulling me into a warm hug. I was a little startled, but returned the embrace tightly. Sometimes I just didn't understand her, I decided, but as long as whatever I'd done or said made her happy, then that was all right.
"Hey, you didn't have any plans for today, are you sure?" she asked, and I threaded my fingers through hers as we sat back on the couch.
I shook my head. "I should probably call Stacey, but other than that, not a thing."
Reaching across my lap, she retrieved the phone from the coffee table where it was setting and handed it to me. "Call."
"Oh, I can wait until I get home."
The phone was pressed into my hand with a half-grin. "Nikka, call Stacey. And then, if you want, call your parents and ask if you can skip dinner tonight. If everything goes the way I hope, you won't be back until late." My eyes widened, and she laughed, patting my knee comfortingly. "Take a deep breath, baby. I want to take you out to dinner. I promise that's all."
"Oh." I smiled easily, and dialed Stacey's number by heart.
"Hello?"
"Hey, muffin."
My friend chuckled. "AJ, what are you doing, honey? How's it going? Are you off restriction now?"
I laughed. "Well, considering that I'm sitting beside Kevyn at her house right this second…"
"Good! That's great, doll."
"Thanks… for all your help, Stacey. I really appreciate it."
"Aw, you know nothing's too much for you, sweet cheeks. You just take care of that girl and make my work worthwhile, hm?"
I grinned, and gently squeezed Kevyn's hand. "Promise. Well, I just wanted to call and say thanks. I'll call you in the next couple days, all right, cupcake?"
Stacey seemed pleased with that offer. "Sure thing, darling. Have fun." Her tone was deep and suggestive, but before I could comment, she hung up. I rolled my eyes, and then dialed my parents to tell them I wouldn't be home until late. Luckily, mom answered the phone and said that was fine, and for me to be careful, though I could hear dad grumbling in the background.
When I hung up again, and gave the phone back to Kevyn, she raised an eyebrow at me. "Cupcake?"
I laughed, and then gentled it when I realized she was indeed a little jealous.
"I've known Stacey for as long as I can remember," I explained, "and we've always had this nickname thing. Muffin, cupcake, sweet cheeks, on and on. It's all in fun," I assured her, and Kevyn took this with a small smile. Seeing that she was still mulling it over, I leaned towards her and kissed the crown of her head, feeling her move closer to me. I pulled back and she was smiling brightly now, emerald eyes shining.
"Stacey's my best friend," I said, "as close to me as Bastiaan. But nothing else."
Kevyn nodded, and settled against me. "I know, I don't even have a reason for thinking that. From what you told me, you've never had a girlfriend before, so it's ridiculous for me to worry. But I can't help it," she admitted, patting my knee again, this time more for her comfort than mine, I think. "You're just so damn sexy it's hard to believe no other woman ever snatched you up."
I debated with myself for a moment, before making the decision not to tell her that no man had, either, and simply said, "No, just you."
Again, I must have said something right, because she kissed my cheek.
"I thought you wanted to spend the day with your mother," I said quietly, after silence had fallen for a few minutes, and she sighed.
"When she gets fatigued like that, she sleeps for a long time. And I'll make sure dad is home before we go anywhere, just in case she wakes up and needs something, but I'd bet she'll sleep for the next fifteen hours or so."
I tried not to let my surprise show.
Either I didn't hide it very well, or Kevyn already knew. "Fighting takes a lot out of her. A good day is if she can be up and around for more than two or three hours. She hasn't had a lot of those lately, and sometimes I just wonder if it'll be the last time… She wants to be strong for me and dad, I know," her voice trembled, "and I want to be strong enough to let her go. But I can't. I just… can't…"
I pulled her tight against me when the first tear fell, and she wrapped her arms around my waist, burying her head in my shoulder as if I could hide her from the painful thought of losing her mother that would, at some time, become reality. I wished I could do that, I didn't want her to be sad; I didn't want her to hurt. I kissed the top of her head, trying to soothe her. If there were any way for me to take away the hurt, I would. But I knew I couldn't, all I could offer was my help and a place to turn if she ever needed it; so that's what I did, over and over again.
"All right, honey, it's all right," I murmured, rubbing her back as she trembled in my arms. "Hey, you said she was a teacher, right?" I felt her nod. "She's done a lot of good, then, for a lot of kids. Teachers are special. And you can enjoy the time you have with her now… It doesn't have to be about losing her, Kevyn, just being glad for the times you've had together. More of celebrating her life," I said, wondering if my attempt at calming her had made any sense at all.
She raised her head until shimmering gold-green eyes met mine, and a slow smile found its way to her tear-stained face.
"You're amazing," she said, and the pure honesty in her voice made me blush. She tipped my chin back up with her finger and placed a soft kiss on my lips. "Thank you, Nikka."
I smiled, glad that something I said seemed to help her feel better, and asked her what she had in mind for the rest of the afternoon, until dinner. Her response was to put in another movie and curl up beside me on the couch. With our fingers intertwined and our bodies as familiar with each other's nearness as though we'd been together for years, the next few hours went by on a cloud of soft laughter and gentle words.
We munched on snack foods during the movie, which qualified as lunch, and when dinner time rolled around, she asked me where I wanted to go. I said I didn't mind, to which she laughed and suggested McDonald's. I agreed, and she laughed again.
"Baby, we're going to a nice dinner. What do you know that's around here?"
After some thought, I suggested an Olive Garden in the nearest town, and it was decided that's where we would eat. That was safe for me, I knew, because I ordered the same thing there every time and wouldn't have to struggle with a menu. Plus, it clearly checked as 'nice' according to Kevyn.
Coming to the conclusion that neither of us would change clothes, if only for the fact that would mean me returning home and possibly running into my father who might change his mind about letting me go out again, it seemed that the nice dinner in the nice restaurant was to be under a casual dress-code. That didn't seem to bother Kevyn's idea of the night out, and it was perfectly all right with me.
Patrick came home a few minutes later, greeting his daughter with a kiss on the cheek and sending a broad smile in my direction.
"Hello, AJ. Nice to see you again."
"Thank you," I replied, and Kevyn asked how his day had gone.
"It went well, sweetheart. Mr. Barnes, that's the man I went to see, looks like he has some good work. Sculptures, mainly, but with a little more developing his canvas skills could be just as good. I told him if I can make a few calls and get back to him next week, I should be able to line something up. Is your mother asleep?" We both nodded, and the man smiled softly. "I'm going to go check on her, then. I'll be right back, girls."
Kevyn turned to me as he made his way down the hall. "Maybe dad can get some good work out here, and the move will be relaxing for him, too. He worked a lot when we were in California; too much, I think."
I nodded, and kissed her forehead. "Hopefully Montana will be good for all of you," I said, with a gentle smile, and Kevyn agreed.
"I know it's already been wonderful for me."
She volunteered to drive to dinner, and we climbed into her car twenty minutes later. We spent the thirty mile drive singing along with the radio, although when I realized how beautiful her voice was, I subtly starting singing less and less and turning the radio down more and more, until it was almost solely her voice floating through the car.
She blushed, and playfully slapped my hand away from the knob, turning the volume back up. She refused to sing again, and when I apologized, for I thought perhaps I had truly embarrassed her, she squeezed my hand. I was surprised and, all right, a little pleased, that I had found something that would make her blush.
I'll bet if I asked, she'd sing again, I thought. She is cute when her cheeks get red, and she sings beautifully.
Arriving at the Olive Garden, we'd only been waiting in line for a few moments, when I heard Kevyn sigh. Without a word, she turned and walked away. We'd been talking idly about her life back in San Francisco, and she was telling me about her old house, and she just left. I panicked as I started after her, wondering what I'd said.
"Kevyn?"
She turned when I called, and, seeing the fear in my eyes, she gently rubbed my shoulder for a second; as long as she dared.
"I'm sorry, Nikka, looks like dinner is a no-go tonight."
I was confused. "Why? What happened?"
She nodded her head to something behind me, and I turned, rolling my eyes. Buck and Henry were heading towards us. Kevyn had apparently seen them in line and decided their presence wouldn't be conducive to our night out together.
"Hey, AJ," called Buck, "wait up."
I took a deep breath. "What?"
"Come on, now," said Henry, the two approaching just before we reached Kevyn's car in the parking lot, "we just want to ask your friend something."
I had a response for them, but Kevyn put her hand on my arm lightly, stepping beside me, so I stayed quiet. She was telling me to let her handle the situation, and I would try, though I wasn't sure I could remain silent if they were rude to her again.
"What do you want?" Her tone was steady and controlled, as though nothing they could say would shake her. I hoped that was true, because I got a bad feeling from their tough stances and dark eyes.
"We know you're new 'round here, and just figured maybe we could show you around. What do you think?" questioned Henry, with fake sincerity, placing his hand on her cheek. I clenched my jaw as she turned her head away from his touch.
"No, thanks," was her reply.
"Come on," chuckled Buck, "if it's about what we said last night… we didn't mean it, did we, Henry?" Henry shook his head in agreement, flashing a charming smile. "Just having a little fun, was all. No hard feelings, right? I mean, maybe we can help you out…"
I could think of nothing that Kevyn needed help with that required Buck and Henry… then it dawned on me what they must have meant, and my eyes narrowed. My hands were clenched, and I was about to step in, when Kevyn made her move.
Without warning, Kevyn stepped closer to Buck, so close that he would have only needed to take a deep breath for his chest to touch hers, and I wondered what she was thinking. Trailing a finger up his arm, she reached his shoulder just as her mouth came close to his ear, whispering loud enough for both me and Henry to hear, "Well, now… I don't know. That all depends."
Buck swallowed at her breath on his neck. So did I. Henry's eyes were as wide as his friend's, and I growled under my breath. I wanted to shove them both away from my girlfriend and beat them senseless, and then ask Kevyn what the hell she was thinking, because I wasn't sure I could figure it out. All I knew was that I didn't like it.
"O-on?" stammered Buck, all his bravado suddenly gone.
"Um…" gulped Henry.
He was closer to her as well, now.
"Tell me, boys," she purred, "do you practice safe sex?"
I felt a headache coming on. Trust her. She knows what she's doing, just trust her, I kept repeating to myself, shoving my hands deep in my pockets to keep from doing something the jocks would regret.
They nodded dumbly. Henry began fumbling around in his wallet, for a condom, I assumed, to prove it to her, as Buck leaned closer.
"Good." In the same fluid movement, she grabbed Henry's pinky finger and bent it back as far as she could until he was nearly on the ground, and kneed Buck right in his 'hard feelings', putting him in much the same position as his buddy. "Then go fuck yourselves. I'm not going to take any crap from assholes like you. Go lick your wounds and leave me alone."
"This isn't over, bitch," hissed Henry, cradling his left hand against his side as he dragged Buck to their truck, the two exchanging whimpers of pain.
Kevyn walked towards me, and put her hand on my arm, but when I didn't move, she dropped it. "Come on, baby," she said, softly, unlocking the door of her car and waiting patiently for me to join her. I did, slowly, and climbed into the passenger seat. She put the keys in the ignition but didn't start the car, and the silence was deafening. I'd always heard people use that phrase but didn't really understand what it meant. But it was quite accurate.
I didn't know what to say. I was guessing neither did Kevyn. I wasn't sure if I was mad at her for seemingly flirting with them, proud of her, or just plain scared. I'd never seen her so angry, and whether my adrenaline was pumping from sensing her own violence or from feeling that she was in danger, I didn't know.
Finally, I swallowed all of that and just asked, "Are you okay?"
She nodded. "I'm fine. I'm sorry about that, Nikka. You're mad at me." It wasn't a question, it was a statement, but I treated it as though she had expected an answer.
"No," I said, "I thought you were going to get hurt. I didn't know what you were doing. And I've never… you were really angry."
I felt her hand on mine, and I instantly turned my palm up so she could grasp my fingers. "I've dealt with people like Buck and Henry for a long time, baby. They never learn. And I knew they'd cause nothing but trouble for us tonight, that's why I tried to leave, but they'd already seen us. I'm sorry I worried you, but I can take care of myself, baby. I'm all right."
"But…" I looked over at her, and frowned slightly. "The way you talked… I thought, you know, maybe you wanted…"
"Annika." Her eyes were deep and more gray than green, anxious for me to understand. "Nikka, listen to me. I can promise that you will never have to worry about that, all right? There will be no other woman when we're together, and never a man; men don't stand a chance. I had to get the upper hand with them, baby, that was the only way to deal with them.
"There is just you," she said, firmly, and I nodded. Her hand cupped my chin and now, in the privacy of the car, she leaned across the seat and kissed the corner of my mouth. I pulled her close and dropped my head to her shoulder, nuzzling the short red hair and soft neck, feeling her arms go around me. I kissed the skin I found there, and heard her gasp, and when she didn't pull away, I assumed it was a good thing. Perhaps my lips on her neck gave her the same warm feeling as it did me, not to mention the jump my heart made at her gasp.
She placed a gentle kiss on my temple and pulled away before I could try again, offering me a crooked grin. "Let's find somewhere for dinner, what do you say?" I agreed, and kissed her once more before releasing her hand so she could drive.
Dinner ended up being McDonald's that night after all, which was fine with me, although I think Kevyn was a little disappointed that her initial plan had been ruined. We ate inside the restaurant, which meant we had little privacy and had to restrain our affections, a habit I found I didn't like to curb. I liked it better at Kevyn's house or out on the ranch, where we could hold hands and I could steal a quick kiss without worrying about other people. I wondered if she knew about the coffee shop where I had met Bobby. I'd have to take her there, definitely.
A few tables were occupied, and there were seven or eight people standing in line. I watched customers walk in and out with idle interest, wondering where they were all going. A man with two children walked out the door with three kids' meals, and I wondered if perhaps there was another child waiting at home, or maybe he wanted one for himself. The toys were amusing at times, although they were distributed on a rather sexist basis. When I was younger I often fought my brother for his toy car, because the only thing the employees would put in my Happy Meal was the doll, the toys 'designed' for the little girls. I wanted the car, damn it.
Kevyn lifted the bun of her cheeseburger, and raised an eyebrow. "I said no onions. I didn't mean no onions, no ketchup, and no pickles. I'm surprised they gave me any bread. I'll be right back," she said, and got up to take her sandwich up to the front counter. A woman came in through the back entrance, bare foot, just behind a man and three kids. I couldn't tell if they were together, but what caught my attention, besides the fact that neither the lady nor any of the kids wore shoes, was that she was drunk. Not fall-down drunk, but she was certainly a little toasted.
I shifted in my seat a little when I saw her approach Kevyn, the tall blonde starting a conversation of small talk with my girlfriend, eyeing her necklace appreciatively. It was a small charm of a Greek letter, which Kevyn had told me often stood for lesbianism, on a gold chain. It had been a joint gift from her parents; she had expressed an interest in the necklace one day after having seen it in a store, and they remembered, giving it to her as a graduation present. She said she rarely took it off.
The woman reached out and hefted the charm in her hand as Kevyn smiled uneasily.
In just five steps, I reached them, and stood behind the tiny redhead with all the protective aura I could fathom.
"Ready to go?" I asked, saying the first thing that came to my mind, shooting daggers at the intoxicated blonde, whose cloudy brown eyes stared at me.
Kevyn looked relieved to see me, and took the new sandwich they had made for her, stepping away from the stranger as she said, "Sure. Let's go."
"Nice to meet you," grinned the woman, and I put my hand on Kevyn's arm.
"Come on."
We didn't even bother to throw away the trash that was left at our table, we just walked directly to her car and drove off.
"Are you okay?" I asked, and Kevyn nodded.
"Thank you." She smiled. "My hero."
I managed not to blush, and simply returned the smile.
"Kevyn?"
She turned to me as we pulled onto her property. "What is it?"
"I'm sorry tonight didn't work out the way you planned."
The engine was turned off before she removed the keys, and faced me. "Nikka, did we spend the night together?" I nodded. Her smile was gentle, as was the kiss she placed on the edge of my jaw. "Then I loved it. Any time spent with you is wonderful, baby."
I couldn't help the smile that spread when I heard her say the same thing I'd been thinking earlier, and leaned across the seat to kiss her lips. I cupped her cheek with my hand as she often did with me, and then let my tongue sneak past my lips, as I had seen in the movies. Her reaction was not what I had expected, but more than I hoped for. She parted her lips and welcomed me easily, sliding her own tongue past to join in on a slow waltz that was softer than I had imagined, nothing like the battle for dominance that seemed to be shown on the screen. There was no roughness; nothing was quick or fierce, just slow, gentle, and tender. I followed her lead, then, softly exploring her mouth and sometimes teasing.
If I thought my heart had been pounding the first time she kissed me, now I was having trouble breathing.
She pulled back slowly, and I took a deep breath of cool air, smiling softly when I noticed that she was flushed, as well.
"Very nice," she hummed, and my grin widened at the praise.
I kissed her cheek, and then looked at my watch. "I should go," I said, reluctantly.
She reached out and tucked my hair behind my ear, a gesture I found I liked, and amended, "No, you shouldn't, but you have to," and kissed my nose, laughing when I made a funny face. "Go on, before your parents get worried, baby. I'll call you tomorrow?"
"Yeah," I nodded. "I might spend a little time with my brother, but I'll be around tomorrow night, I'm sure."
I went to open the door, but she stopped me with one more kiss, and then said, "Oh, I almost forgot!" She pulled an envelope from the backseat and handed it to me. "This is that letter I was going to give you the other day. I hope it's not too late."
I smiled. "Of course not. Good night, honey." I refused to leave until she let me walk her into the house and tuck her into bed. At first she argued, telling me I needed to get home, but I crossed my arms and told her I wasn't going anywhere. Finally, she changed clothes and climbed under the covers. I kissed her forehead, and then the bridge of her nose, and at last her lips, whispering "Sweet dreams" as I closed her bedroom door.
The first stop I made after arriving home was my brother's room, with only a passing "I'm home" to my dad, who was in the den doing some paperwork. Bastiaan called for me as I knocked, and I handed him the letter as I closed the door behind me.
"What's up?"
"Kevyn wrote another letter but couldn't give it to me until now," I explained, sitting cross-legged on his bed, pushing his knees up to make room.
He chuckled. "Well, help yourself, sis. All right, let's see what we've got," he said, clearing his throat and opening the envelope. He grinned at me right away, and I raised an eyebrow at him. "She wrote "Nikka" on the front and dotted the "I" with a heart," he teased, showing it to me as he spoke.
"This girl's got it bad for you, AJ."
I rolled my eyes and punched him in the shoulder. "Cut it out, Bastiaan. What'd she write?"
"Ooh, and she gets defensive, too. Okay, okay. This one's not quite as long as the other one…
"Nikka, I hope you're resting well. Once again, you've got me unable to sleep, although considering the reason, I can't complain too much. Before I continue, I want to say again that I'm sorry for being upset with you these past few days. Yes, I was, and I'm sure you noticed it. I shouldn't have been. I'll admit that I just had this idea in my head from day one of us being together, my imagination doesn't usually take wild leaps like that, and I'd about convinced myself that you felt the same way. I only set myself up for that fall, and I had no reason to be angry with you for it.
"At any rate… my imagination had nothing on tonight. I nearly didn't want to believe what you were telling me, but when I did… well, I didn't want to let you go. I missed talking to you and being near you and just seeing you. And I have a confession to make. I know I offered to give your shirt back to you tonight, but I really didn't have any intentions of actually following through. I slept with it wrapped around me both nights, and in fact, it's resting on my lap under this pad of paper as I write. Tell anyone that and I'll be forced to deny it.
"And another little smiley face," teased Bastiaan, showing me the small drawing. I rolled my eyes at him, and he chuckled. "Head over heels, definitely," he muttered, before clearing his throat and finishing the letter.
"I can't wait to see you again. Like I said tonight, baby, we're going at your pace. Just tell me if I do something that's too fast for you, anything that makes you uncomfortable. That includes if you start thinking maybe I'm smothering you just a bit, spending too much time together. I know that can happen, and it's okay if you want to be alone for a while, have some time to yourself. Don't ever be afraid to talk to me, Nikka, tell me whatever is on your mind. Good or bad, I'll listen, and we'll talk it through, okay? I promise.
"You seemed a little worried tonight whenever my father was around. We're safe in my house, and on our property. I won't ask you to tell or not to tell your parents about anything, baby, I'll only say that I'm here for you, with whatever you decide to do.
"Hope you get some sleep. I don't think I'll walk this one out to your mailbox, if only because I've been sitting here with your shirt over my shoulders the past little while and now, with your smell around me, I'm ready for bed." Bastiaan blinked at me, raising an eyebrow at the several ways he could take that statement, but didn't say anything as I fought a blush. "Talk to you soon. Sweet dreams, baby. Good night.
"I'd say she's definitely got it bad for you, AJ."
I said nothing as I folded the letter and put it back in the envelope, thoughtful.
"Bastiaan?" I began, at last, and my brother raised an eyebrow at me with a grunt to continue. "She really likes me."
The tone of my voice told him this was not time to tease. "I'd say so," he replied, with the same seriousness. "What's wrong?"
"She's really smart."
He nodded, indicating he was in no position to dispute that.
"I really like her." Another nod from my sibling. "She doesn't know I'm dyslexic, I haven't told her. What do I do when she finds out, Bastiaan?"
"What you should always do, AJ, be honest. She'll find out soon enough from someone if she doesn't catch on herself. I think you should tell her. She probably won't like it if she finds out you kept it from her, and it's not something you have to hide, Annika; I doubt she'll think any less of you for it, if the admiration in this letter gives us any idea."
I sighed. "Be honest, be myself? Is that all you can tell me?"
My twin chuckled, and brought me into a brief hug. "That's the best advice I've got, little sis. And it's not always easy, believe me, but it's the right thing to do."
"I kissed her tonight," I said, after a moment. "We actually kissed, for real. It was just like… wow."
Bastiaan grinned. "I'm proud of you, AJ," came the light response, and I rolled my eyes at him. "No, really, it's great. But, listen. You know you can talk to me about anything, Annika, whenever you need. But Kevyn might not be so happy if she knows you're telling me all this; kiss and tell, as it were." I felt his hand on my arm. "Okay?"
I nodded. "So I can still talk to you, though, right? I mean, if I have a problem or something?"
"That will never change, and I'm not saying you have to change what you're doing now. Only warning you that if Kevyn hears that I know all the private details of your relationship, well… some people take offense to that, you know?"
I guess I could understand that.
"I have a question, then." I think he finally realized that this was not going to be a short conversation, and moved his book, giving us both room to stretch out on his bed so we were more comfortable. "I really like being around her. I mean, I was thinking today, that I would rather be with her than outside with the horses, or the dogs, or anywhere with anyone else! Why would I think like that, Bastiaan? I love the ranch, I love being outside, I've never liked being inside much, especially in the rain. But I spent all day inside with Kevyn and never once missed being out on the land," I said, finishing with, "What does that mean?"
"Hmm… that certainly is a deep thought. I'd say you like her as much as she seems to like you," deduced my brother, and I bit back another sigh. I can say now for certain that he wanted to say "love", but didn't want to frighten me, and would rather me to figure that out on my own. "I can't explain your own feelings to you, sis. All I can say is that I think your heart must be pretty serious to be thinking like that, and quick, for only having known each other for two weeks."
Nothing I couldn't have figured out myself. Great. Some help he was.
I stood, and was about to go, when I remembered that the next day was his anniversary with Bobby. I'd had an idea of what I wanted to do for a gift, but needed a few things from my brother, first.
"Hey, Bastiaan, what's Bobby's favorite color?"
He blinked at me, startled by the sudden question. "Green, why?"
"Do you have a picture of him around?"
His gaze narrowed slightly. "Why?"
I punched his arm. "Because I want to light some candles and do some voodoo, and I need something to burn in the circle. For crying out loud, Bastiaan, do you have a picture of him or not?"
Taking his wallet from his dresser drawer, he opened it and quickly retrieved a photo, warning me not to leave it lying around or anything. There, seated casually on a bench in Yosemite, I believe, was the object of my brother's affection. He had been in the middle of reading a map of the park, it seemed, and Basitaan had called his name, snapping the picture soon after. Still, although it had been spontaneous, Bobby was well-poised with a wide smile, the sincere happiness in his features almost reaching out to me from the photograph.
"When did you guys get the chance to go to Yosemite?"
Bastiaan blushed a little, and admitted, "It was our first date. I told mom and dad I was camping with a few friends from school…"
I gave my brother a small grin, not quite sure if I should be pleased at the information or saddened that the lie was necessary.
I flipped it over and saw a message that Bobby had written on the back, raising an eyebrow as it became readily apparent why my brother didn't want it left out where anyone could find it; hearts adorned the corners. From the hard look I gave the writing, I could tell it was signed "Love, Robert". You just didn't use that many flowing lines and hearts to write "See you later".
"Thanks," I grinned, giving my brother a hug good night and walking down the hall to my room, photo from Bastiaan in my left hand and envelope from Kevyn in the other. I put the letter from Kevyn in a box in my closet, as I had the previous one, where my mother would never have a reason to look. Then, setting the photo of Bobby on my desk, I readied my pencils and prepared to make an anniversary gift.
* * * * *
I stayed up until nearly one-thirty in the morning putting the final touches on the present for my brother and Bobby, and presented it to my sibling when he got up the next morning.
"Annika," he smiled, "this is wonderful." In heavy outlines and light color shadings, I'd drawn a picture montage of the couple. Bobby was on the bench as he had been in the photo, but I placed my brother standing just behind him, near his shoulder. The richest color was the green of the grass and the light green hue I spread in a mist-like fashion around the edges of the paper, giving Bastiaan a soft blue for his shirt and a mixed gray for Bobby. If either of them cared to look close enough, I had scrawled the date on one part of the bench, as though someone had carved it there.
I was glad he liked it, and said I hoped Bobby would, too.
"What are you guys doing for the day, or don't I want to know?"
He grinned, eyes so much like mine shining brightly. "Bobby says he has a reservation for a hotel tonight, but the rest of it is a surprise."
"Please, spare me the details." I laughed at his blush. "All right, then, I won't ask to tag along. You two crazy kids have fun. Lovebirds," I snorted, catching the rather dreamy smile that told me my brother was thinking of Bobby. Or had heard his name. Or thought he'd heard his name.
I shook my head. It was sad, really.
"I could say the same about you with Kevyn," he returned, and I blinked, snapping my jaw shut. He was right. Damn. I didn't look that goofy when I thought about her, did I?
"Aw, come on, bro," I protested, "I'm not that bad."
An arm was slung across my shoulders and I received an affectionate squeeze. "No," my brother agreed, much too easily, "you're worse. Trust me, little sister, you've got it just as bad as she does."
I rolled my eyes, and stepped away from his grasp. "Go on. Have fun, and tell Bobby I said 'hey'." Bastiaan smiled and practically flew out the door, my parents chuckling, as they believed he was off to see his girlfriend.
I spent some time with the horses, grooming them and checking on the pregnant mares. They all seemed to be doing fine, and I glanced up when Shannon snorted and the dogs began to bark, Ramya racing past. Then, I heard it, too. Someone was coming up on foot.
Exiting the barn, my jaw hit the ground when I saw Kevyn walking towards me, Ramya bounding along beside her. Then, my joyous surprise turned into a ball of fear.
Oh god, if Dad sees her out here, it won't be pretty.
"Kevyn, what are you doing here?" I questioned, pulling her into the barn and out of sight of the house, praying neither of my parents would wonder about the curious barking of the dogs, nor the fact that Ramya was prancing happily just outside the barn door.
If my movements startled her, she didn't show it. "I just thought I'd stop by and surprise you," she smiled, kissing my cheek. "I called and your mom told me you were out in the barn, and that she'd have you call when you were done, but I wanted more than just your voice."
At that, any thoughts of my parents spying her were gone, but, thankfully, I was too nervous to blush. "Is something wrong?" I asked, wondering if she was in need of a hug or something.
"Does something have to be wrong for me to want to see you?" she asked softly, sounding a little hurt, and I scolded myself.
"Well, no," I sputtered, "of course not. I just wasn't expecting you."
"That's why they call it a surprise, baby."
I cast a glance toward the house, and agreed absently, "Yeah, you're right."
Strikingly beautiful green eyes gave me a sharp look. "Is this a bad time, Nikka?"
I turned my focus back to her, quickly. "No! No, I'm glad to see you, it's just... my dad…" I was trying to figure out how to say that my father had forbidden her to be around our house in a way that wouldn't hurt her. Was there a nice way to tell someone that your father hated them?
I couldn't think of anything.
"Your father…?" she drawled, prompting me to continue, raising an eyebrow at my behavior.
"Is coming!" I squeaked, seeing the front door open, my dad walking towards the barn with long strides. I thought quickly, and opened the door to the tack room.
Kevyn just stared at me, arms going across her chest in disbelief.
"Please, Kevyn. Just for a minute. You have to hide," I begged. "He can't see you here. Please."
With a sigh, she walked in, and I felt my heart flinch as I shut the door, none too gently in my rush.
"AJ," my dad called, and I tried not to tremble as he walked in, patting Ramya on the head, "how are you doing out here?"
"Everyone's fine," I said, quickly. Was it just me, or was he giving me a look that said he knew I was lying?
"Your mother and I wondered when we heard the dogs bark."
I shrugged as casually as I could. "Probably a rabbit," I guessed, wondering if it was my heartbeat I heard or Kevyn's, hoping with all my might that my dad couldn't hear it. Wasn't that some sort of Poe tale? I think I remember my brother reading that to me once, when he had a play for school or something.
He nodded, chuckling. "Probably. Well, your mother wants to go Christmas shopping, I think, so don't wait up. She said she'd leave something in the oven for you for dinner."
My smile was forced and I kept my eyes trained on my dad instead of darting to the tack shed. Any minute now I would start shouting about how I was sorry, I had made her hide in the tack room, and it would all be over… wasn't that how it went? I was praying for two things - one, that my dad would leave soon, and two, that Kevyn would forgive me.
I heard the car door close and knew my mom had already gotten in. They were leaving right away, then. Good.
"Okay," I replied, concentrating on keeping my voice even. "I'll take care of everything here tonight."
"Give the dogs a bath some time tonight, too," he added.
"Sure."
"That's going to keep you busy all night, so no need to go see that girl. You stay here, got me?" His eyes bore into mine, and I nodded, swallowing.
"Yeah. Got it."
"Good. If we stay until closing, like I'm sure your mom will want, we won't be back until late. See you in the morning, then."
He walked out, and I was poised by the door, waiting until I was sure they had driven off to pull it open and start groveling.
"Kevyn, honey, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't want to just - "
Her hand was over my mouth, and I froze, confused. I didn't even get to explain, before she started in on me? Oh, that was bad.
"It's okay."
I blinked.
"I understand, baby. Your father still doesn't want me around, does he?"
I shook my head, slowly.
"And if he would have seen me, you would have gotten into trouble, right?"
I nodded.
"I'm sorry, baby. I'll just wait for your call next time."
Placing a kiss against the fingers that covered my mouth, I moved her hand so I could speak.
"I'm glad you're here, Kevyn, and it's not your fault. I should have told you, but I didn't want to hurt you."
There was that eyebrow again. She took a few steps forward, before turning back to face me with her hands on her hips. "And having me hide in the tack room didn't?"
I hung my head, and then felt her hand against my cheek.
"Remember how I said you could talk to me about anything, Nikka?" I nodded, still looking down at my feet, feeling lower than the dirt I was scuffing up with my boot. "I meant that, even about things that you think I won't like or might hurt my feelings, okay?" Her voice was soft and honest, and I breathed in relief that she wasn't mad.
Pulling her to me, I nodded again, holding her tightly. "I promise." I kissed her temple, and then, knowing no one was home, moved to her lips, feeling her hands clasp behind my neck, heart pounding as I felt the full length of her body pressed against mine. My hands went to her waist and held her close, my right hand moving slowly up her side, completely of its own accord - I swear. I didn't realize what I was doing until I heard her gasp into the kiss, and noticed with a shock that the tips of my fingers were brushing the side of her breast.
I snatched my hand away like I'd been burned and stepped back, tripping as I fell through the open door of the tack room, landing on the hard dirt. As if my first action wasn't enough to warrant a dark blush, now I'd fallen on my ass in front of her. I felt my cheeks flush hotly as I waited for her to laugh.
"Are you all right?" she asked, coming to my side and kneeling down, showing no signs of laughing at my fall.
"Fine," I said, not looking at her as I stammered, "I… I'm sorry, Kevyn. I didn't know I was… I mean, I didn't mean to… I shouldn't have… I mean… I'm sorry."
Now she chuckled, but it was gentle, and she offered her hand to help me to my feet. I took it, and she hauled me upwards, saying as I brushed myself off, "There's a sentence in there somewhere just dying to get out, I know it." I looked down again, embarrassed, and she tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear, leaving her hand against my cheek. "I didn't mean to embarrass you, sweetheart. I know you didn't realize what you were doing, but even if you did, it's really okay. Really."
I smiled a little. Were her eyes a little darker, or was it the poor light coming into the barn? Maybe it truly was all right.
"There's that beautiful smile." Of course, my smile grew at that, and she squeezed my hand. "You never have to apologize for being affectionate, baby. Okay? If you want to show me how much you care, or how much you want me, it's a pretty safe bet that it's more than all right with me."
Intertwining our fingers, I began leading her towards the house. "Thank you." She was so understanding, I wasn't quite sure what I'd done to deserve someone as patient as her, but I wasn't about to question it. "Come on."
She paused. "Nikka, your dad said…"
I raised an eyebrow at her, and she smirked. "No one's home right now, and they won't be back until late tonight. I know I already showed you the house at the dinner, but I really want you to meet our animals. I think you'll like Hamlet," I urged, and she gave in, following me easily as I closed the door behind us.
I gave her a more detailed tour, and introduced her properly to Hamlet, whom she liked. He fluffed up and strutted around for her, showing off, and I laughed at his antics. I let him out, and she was a little hesitant at first about holding him.
"He's a little heavy, but he won't hurt you," I assured her. "Here, put your arm out like this," I instructed, taking her hand and showing her. Hamlet walked from my arm to Kevyn's easily, settling on her shoulder and tasting her hair. She smiled, and walked slowly until she got used to his weight.
The spoiled bird rode up there on her shoulder for the rest of the tour, alternating "Pretty bird" and "Good Hamlet" with "AJ" and "Bastiaan", as though he was trying to get a feel for this new guest's name. I decided I'd have to take the time to teach him to say "Kevyn", and surprise her the next chance I had. I thought she'd probably like that.
Noticing the drawing table in my room, she asked to see some of my work, and I pulled my portfolio out of my closet, showing it to her. I couldn't watch her as she looked over it, I just couldn't stand to see if she disliked the pictures, so I busied myself with Rhett, who was curled up on my pillow, eyeing Hamlet with mild interest.
"Nikka," she said, at last, looking over at me, "these are really good. Have you ever thought of getting them published anywhere?"
I shook my head, and put them away. "It's nothing," I protested, "just a hobby. Nothing to take serious, you know."
"Nothing to take serious?" she repeated, and stood to face me. "Nikka, you are a very talented artist, and you obviously enjoy it. That makes it something to be serious about right there, and I believe you can definitely go far with your work."
"I…" I was about to protest again, but decided against it when she put her hands on her hips. "Thank you." What could I do? I wasn't going to argue with her, I knew I'd never win, and I wasn't sure I wanted to. She believed in me… I just smiled and soaked up the faith and praise as long as I could, and kissed her forehead. I bent closer to kiss her lips, but just as I did, Hamlet reached out and bit my ear.
"Ow!"
Kevyn chuckled softly, stroking the bird. "I think somebody's jealous," she teased, and I glared at the Macaw.
"Thanks a lot, buddy."
He squawked at me, and shook his head.
Drawing my hand back, and although relieved that he hadn't broken the skin, I frowned at him.
"All right, you, back in your cage. You know better than that." He sulked the whole way back, and almost refused to go onto my arm when I opened the cage, but I coaxed him in and shut the door, muttering a quick good night.
There was a slightly awkward silence for a moment as we stood, looking at Hamlet, until the sound of Kevyn's stomach growling reached my ears. I grinned at her.
"Hungry?"
"Yeah, I didn't eat lunch before I came over, and I should probably get back for dinner, anyways."
My heart fell at the thought of her leaving. "Can't you stay?"
"Baby, I'd love to, and I appreciate the offer, but if I heard correctly, your mom left dinner for you. I'm sure that…"
"Mom always makes plenty," I jumped in, quickly, taking her hand and gently leading her to the kitchen. "And even if she didn't, I could make you something."
She smiled, and squeezed my hand. "Well, with an offer like that, how can I refuse?" I put my arms around her in a quick hug. "So, what's for dinner?"
"I have to see what mom left," I replied. "Hopefully some of the vegetable lasagna from last night." Seeing that was indeed what she'd saved for me to eat, and there was more than enough for Kevyn and I to share, and probably still have enough left over for each of the dogs, a sudden thought struck me, and I glanced up.
Kevyn was eyeing the meal with interest, and I wondered if she'd ever had it before. Maybe she wanted meat for dinner. Damn. I should have asked.
"Um, is this okay?" I questioned, biting my lip. "We're all vegetarians, but if you would rather have something else, I can…"
"No," she said, cutting me off by putting her hand over my mouth, "this is fine, Nikka. It looks wonderful. And I'm always up for trying something new." The eyebrow raise she accompanied with that statement brought a flush to my cheeks for some reason, and she chuckled, moving her hand and asking me where the dishes were so she could set the table.
Dinner went well. She liked the lasagna, and then asked how it came that our whole family was vegetarian.
"When my mom was younger, she found out she had Hepatitis C," I began. "It affects the liver, you know, and the doctors she went to see said that it wasn't too bad, but in order to keep her liver healthy a change in diet would be good. So they said she couldn't drink any alcohol, and that too much caffeine and sugar were bad, and meat was hard for the body to digest so might be good to avoid, and processed foods often brought too many preservatives and things like that into the body. She says it took her like a year to totally change her diet, but she did, and when she met my dad, he didn't want to make it any harder on her, and started eating what she did. Then, when my brother and I were born, we were just raised that way. It's not that we can't eat meat, but we've gone so long without it, it usually doesn't taste that good."
Kevyn nodded. "But your mom's okay?"
I smiled at her concern. "Yeah," I assured her. "She doesn't drink, and she's real good about what she eats. She still gets blood tests every year and everything, but everything is at the level it's supposed to be, she says. Her liver is still healthy."
She helped me clear the table, and tried to start dishes, but I waved her away. "I'll get to them later," I told her, not wanting her to spend her first time in my house doing chores.
"Didn't your dad ask you to bathe the dogs?" she questioned, and I nodded, only then remembering.
Hm… how was I going to handle this one? I didn't want her to leave, but hanging around while I washed the dogs probably wasn't high on her list of things to do for the evening.
She answered before I could come to a conclusion. "Why don't you call them in, baby? I'll help."
"Well," I paused, "you don't have to…"
"I want to. It'll go faster with both of us, right?" I nodded. "Okay, then. Come on. I don't even know their names yet. Now is a good a time as any to get to know them," she smiled, and I returned the grin, leaving her in the living room as I went to the front door and stuck my head out, whistling softly. They were all sleeping on the front porch, staying out of the light snow that had started to fall. I shook my head at them, chuckling to myself. They had a doghouse with blankets inside, it had taken my brother and I two months to get it all done just the way we wanted, and they rarely slept in it.
Hearing my call, they bounded inside happily, jumping over each other to get to me, trying to be the one that got most of my attention. I laughed as they ran around my legs, nearly tripping me, petting them all for a few minutes until they calmed down.
Walking back to the living room, I found Kevyn standing with her back to me, looking up at the pictures on the mantle of the fireplace. There were photos of my brother and I when we were younger, and a few when we were older, though once I left school they weren't taken as frequently. My parents had their wedding picture up there, and of course, a few grade-school projects we'd made for them, such as the plaster mold of our hands.
The one she was looking at right then, as far as I could tell, was the most recent picture of me. It was about a year old, I estimated, back when I still competed in the local rodeo. I was sitting atop a beautiful roan gelding named High Standard, and we'd done very well together in the younger division of barrel racing. He was also a wonderful horse to have on the ranch, and herded cattle with the dogs as often as he could, with movements that were sharp and controlled. We still had him, but I'd gotten too busy for the competitions, and he spent his time now talking with the cattle across the fence, herding only if my father took him out.
Seeing her there, in the low light, oblivious to my presence behind her, I felt that urge again; only this time there was no rain to change my mind. I walked up quietly and wrapped my arms around her stomach, leaning down and nuzzling her neck, kissing just beneath her ear. She leaned into me and put her hands over mine, keeping me where I was, and tilted her head a little. I took this as a sign to continue, and kissed her neck again, feeling her pulse beat against my lips, rapid and strong.
She turned slowly in my arms, and my lips never left her throat. I heard a slight gasp escape from her mouth, and I wasn't quite sure where the sudden heat in the room had come from, nor the intense tingling I felt in my gut, but that soft sound only increased it all. I kissed her lips, then, and pulled her closer, feeling her pressed against me for the second time that day.
The gasp that came this time was mine, when her hip made contact with the front of my jeans. Before I could wonder about the sensation that sent everywhere, I realized I was moving against her, intensifying the pressure, and went to kiss her again.
She pulled back, and I tried again, but she put a gentle hand on my chest and took a half-step away from me.
I swallowed, afraid I had done something wrong, and my eyes grew wide. The rush of fear I felt at that thought pushed the pleasure from moments ago to the back of my mind, though I still burned where her hip had touched.
"I…"
I didn't get a chance to even begin apologizing, because she kissed me quickly, effectively keeping me quiet.
"Don't think of telling me you're sorry," she said, and I frowned slightly, confused. If she wasn't upset, why did she pull away from me? As though reading the question in my eyes, Kevyn continued, "Because you didn't do anything wrong. Believe me, sweetheart, I would love to keep going, but it's a little fast. I don't want to rush into something you might regret."
"I wouldn't regret it!" I protested, immediately, and she chuckled softly.
"There'll be time," she promised, kissing the corner of my mouth and walking over to the dogs, and I took a deep breath, feeling slightly drunk.
When I joined her, groaning inwardly when I felt her against me with every step, I told her their names, and she smiled.
"They're all unique names," she said, laughing when Ramya bumped into her legs, requesting more attention.
I nodded, scratching Shanahan's belly. "They are. Ramya means beautiful, Kelman means merciful, Shanahan means clever, and Duke, of course, means leader. My parents have a thing for names and their meanings," I grinned.
Glancing at her watch, she said, "Well, we should probably start getting these guys clean."
"Let me start a fire, so they can get warm after we're done," I said, moving to get a starter log and some kindling from the stack by the fireplace. It took only a few minutes, and soon the flame was strong and heating the entire room. I knew it wouldn't be long before I could turn the furnace down.
"We can take Shanahan in the sink in my parents' room, they have a big bathroom and she's small enough, but I'll have to get the tub for the others," I explained, and took the Corgi in my arms, Kevyn laughing when she kept licking my chin, despite my attempts at getting her to quit.
Kevyn held the small dog still and kept her distracted while I washed her clean, and rinsed her off, and then retrieved a towel. I think she offered to do that on purpose, leaving me to get soaked when Shanahan shook herself, judging by the bright laugh I heard. I turned to see her standing in the doorway, towel clutched in one hand, supporting herself on the door frame with the other, laughing all the harder when the dog leapt into my arms, drenching me.
I gave her a mock growl, and then turned it to Kevyn, pouting, "Some help you are."
She chuckled, and kissed my chin. I wasn't able to keep my pout then, and smiled, giving Shanahan to her when she held open the towel. Shanahan wriggled happily under all the attention. We took her out to the living room, then, and set her down in front of the fire. The others sniffed her interestedly, and Kelman gave me a wary look, knowing that he was going to have to get washed, too. He was the only one who didn't like water very much.
I figured I could give him a break, and bathe him last.
I dug out the tub from the garage, then, and began to fill it with water. When there were a few inches of warm water in the bottom of what used to be a swimming pool for my brother and I when we were little, I called for Ramya. She bounded over, and I had to stop her before she jumped into the pool, sending water everywhere. I led her in slowly, and Kevyn again held her still, stroking her forehead and scratching her ears, telling her she was being a very good and patient dog, the wagging of her tail making it difficult for me to wash the wolfhound without getting splashed.
Finally, she was rinsed, and I rubbed a towel over her, though she still shook and managed to spray me. Kevyn had remained relatively dry through it all, and grinned at me, sweetly. I shook my head, and asked her to take Ramya into the living room and bring Duke into the kitchen, where we were bathing them, for the sake of the tile, which mopped up much easier than carpet. We'd moved the table to the far end of the room, so the center was open, and no furniture would get wet, the floor would just need to be dried with a few towels when we were done.
No, I was only one soaked in this endeavor.
The redhead returned in a moment, Duke in tow, and waited until I had changed the water out before she led him into the tub easily. He was good for me, and sat when I asked him to, so I could reach his chest and front feet with ease. Kevyn barely had to hang on to him, but then again, he was used to this by now. He was the oldest dog we had, at eight years, and had been through dozens of baths at my hands.
Then Duke was done, and it was time for Kelman. I had changed out the water, which was done by simply dumping it out the back door into the yard, when Kevyn called to me from the living room, "Nikka, Kelman won't come with me."
Shaking my head a bit, I walked up next to where he was lying, refusing to get to his feet when Kevyn asked. I knelt down and gently scratched his shoulder.
"Come on, Kel, you've got to get up for me. Dad says I've got to wash all of you, and that means you, too. I know you don't like water, buddy, but I promise to make it quick as I can," I said, rubbing his nose. He snorted at me, and gave me a pleading look that almost made me decide to just let him lay there.
"All right, buddy. I'm sorry about this," I said, as I picked him up into my arms and, standing slowly, carried him into the kitchen and set him into the pool of warm water. He sat instantly, and began shaking, though I knew it was from his dislike of water than being cold. My heart broke, and I asked Kevyn if she would try to calm him, while I finished as quickly as possible. She spoke softly to the Shepherd, telling him it would be all right, that there was no reason to be scared, and in just a few minutes, I was done. I hadn't done as thorough of a job as I had on the rest, but he was clean enough.
I dried him off with the towel, let him shake a bit, and then took him into the living room, adding a little more wood to the fire. The other dogs were all huddled in a pile, keeping themselves warm, and Kelman joined them, curling up beside Ramya.
Kevyn chuckled softly at the sight, and walked up beside me, wrapping an arm around my waist. She stepped away after a moment, laughing, "Your shirt's a little wet, baby. And you smell like dog."
I rolled my eyes. "I just washed four dogs and somebody managed to avoid getting shook on every time," I said, and started to walk towards her. She turned and headed away from me, though I'm still not sure if she just didn't know her way around very well or if she meant to, but either way, we ended up in the kitchen. She was out of my sight for just a second, and when I rounded the corner, I saw her kneeling beside the tub, head down. My instant thought was that she'd been hurt.
"Kevyn?" I asked, approaching her quickly, concerned.
She spun around suddenly and splashed me with water.
"Oh, no you don't," I laughed, when it registered that she was okay, and quickly bent down to splash her back. Her laugh filled the kitchen, and it didn't take long before there was water all over the floor, and Kevyn was about as soaked as I was. I gave up and admitted defeat, sprawling out across the tile, making her chuckle. My eyes were closed, but I felt her beside me as she kneeled, and I sat up smoothly, pressing my lips to hers in a deep kiss which she easily returned.
She followed my movements when I lay back down, and there we were, lying in the middle of my kitchen floor involved in a heated kissing session, when I heard the front door open.
I froze and opened my eyes, and judging by the wide emerald gaze that was staring back at me, Kevyn had heard the sound, too. Now there came heavy footfalls, and I realized that whoever had come in hadn't taken their shoes off.
That was strange…
I had started to sit up again, to do what I don't know, but when Bastiaan's form filled the kitchen doorway, I collapsed to the floor once more, in relief. Kevyn took a deep breath, and chuckled at my expression, while my brother raised an eyebrow at us.
"AJ…" he began, to warn me, I'm sure, but I waved him away without looking up.
"Mom and dad still won't be home for a while, Kevyn just helped me wash the dogs. But, damn, Bastiaan, you scared the living daylights out of us," I accused.
"I only came home for a second. I told Bobby I was just running to the store… I rushed out so fast this morning I forgot his gift," came the admission, and while I normally would have laughed at his sheepish expression, I still felt Kevyn's lips on mine and just wanted him to leave again.
"Hi, Kevyn."
Kevyn smiled at him, and nodded. "Hello, Bastiaan."
My twin grinned broadly. "I can see what's got my sister so head-over-heels," he said, and I blushed a little, flicking some water at him to no effect.
"Go away," I growled, and he laughed, deciding he had chatted long enough, and went to his room. Moments later, the front door closed again, and he was gone.
I began laughing, as my nerves began to calm, and Kevyn joined me, and though I sat up to kiss her again, she didn't lay beside me this time.
"I should go, before your parents come home," she said, reluctantly, and I did the only thing I could think of. I pouted. She smiled gently, and kissed the bridge of my nose, saying, "Baby, you know I'd love to stay. But I don't want to get you in trouble. I'll talk to you tomorrow, all right?"
I knew she was right, and being reasonable, but damn it, I didn't have to like it. My pout disappeared, however, as I helped her to her feet. I tugged on her hand until she was in the living room again, and kissed her cheek. "Stay here and get warm," I told her, "and I'll find you a shirt you can change into. Then I'll drive you back." There was no way I was going to let her walk back in the snow, which I'd noticed every time I changed the water for the dogs, and it hadn't lessened any since it began earlier that evening.
She stood by the fire and nodded, giving me no argument. I knew she was cold, then, and hurried upstairs to my room. Digging through my drawers, I found a shirt I had outgrown that I figured might be a little big, but would fit. Then I took my warmest hooded sweatshirt, hoping it would keep her warm, and went back downstairs.
She'd been standing when I left, but now she was seated beside the dogs, absently stroking their fur as they all kept close to the heat of the fire. Ramya, who seemed especially taken with her, licked her hand, earnestly pleading for more attention.
I cleared my throat softly so as not to startle her, and she smiled up at me, warming me more than the strongest fire.
"These should fit," I said, offering them to her, and she got up to take them from me, making her way to the bathroom to change. I started cleaning the kitchen, and by the time I came in from the garage, having put the tub back where it belonged, she was downstairs and dressed. The shirt she must have tucked into her jeans, and the sweatshirt was big, almost ridiculously so. The sleeves were bunched up to her shoulder, almost, in order for her hands to be seen, and the waist went down to her mid-thigh, but as long as she was warm, I don't think she was about to complain.
Besides, I thought she looked adorable.
Turning her head to the side, she took a deep breath into the fabric, and then smiled pointedly at me, making me blush. I knew she was inhaling my scent from the clothes, as she had with my shirt.
"I'll help you move the table back," she said, and in a few minutes, she'd done all the help that I'd allow, and said it was time for her to go. I sighed at that, but had to agree, checking my watch. Some of the stores kept later hours during the few weeks before Christmas, and I knew my mom would haul my dad around until they closed, but it was already nearly eight-thirty. I guessed they'd be home no later than ten, but it could be any time before then.
Donning my jacket and pulling up the hood, I fastened her hood as well, and she stood patiently, enduring my fussing with ease. We made our way out to the truck, Kevyn laughing delightedly the whole time at the white flakes that were falling, watching her breath freeze every time she laughed, and laughing all the more. I was glad not much had fallen and stuck, however, so it wouldn't be too difficult to drive.
I started the engine and let it warm up for a little while, before calling my girlfriend in from the snow. She was dancing around, enjoying it, and while I hated to end her fun, I didn't want her catching cold, either. She climbed in beside me, and even driving slowly in accordance to the weather, we arrived at her house in less than ten minutes.
She unbuckled her seat belt and kissed my cheek softly before putting her hand on the door handle to leave, but I called her name. She turned, giving me a gentle look as she waited for me to continue.
"I… thanks, for coming by."
I got a smile for that, and a brief kiss. "My pleasure, sweetheart, believe me. Now, you go on home before you get in trouble, and I'll talk to you tomorrow. Sweet dreams." Since I knew she wouldn't let me walk with her and tuck her in this time, I settled for a deep kiss that didn't last quite as long as I had hoped, before she pulled away and winked, closing the door firmly behind her as she stepped out. I waited until I was sure she was safely in the house before turning and driving in the opposite direction.
My parents weren't back yet when I returned, which was a good thing, as I'd realized I still had dishes from a two-person dinner sitting in the sink. I supposed I could have lied and said that Bastiaan came home for dinner, but I didn't have to, and quickly set to washing them clean. I dried them off and was putting them away when I heard my parents drive up.
"AJ, are you up?" called my mom, smiling and cooing to the dogs how clean they all looked.
"Yeah," I replied, throwing the dish towel on the counter as I headed for the front door to meet her.
My dad came in behind her, and they both set a few shopping bags on the floor of the living room. "Come help us unload, will you?" I agreed, but even with all three of us, it took quite a while before everything was in and put away. My dad had added even more wood to the fire, so it was plenty warm now, and I walked upstairs to put my shirt in the clothes hamper, startled when I found Kevyn's shirt still in the bathroom.
She must have forgotten it, I thought, and took it before either of my parents could find it, wrapping it in my own shirt and putting them both in my closet. I would wash them myself the next day, and make sure to get it back to her.
"Your mother wore me out, carrying bags around all night, stopping at every shop in sight," said my dad, teasing my mom, who laughed and lightly slapped his arm, "so we're going on to bed. The dogs look fine."
I nodded. "No problems," I assured him, and gave them both a quick kiss on the cheek as they entered their room and closed the door. I let out a breath of relief I didn't know I'd been holding. There was something in the back of my mind that had been nagging since they'd come home, sure I was forgetting something that would give away Kevyn's presence, but now the night was over, and they had no clue.
I smiled to myself, and made sure the dogs were dry before letting them back out for the night, secure in the thought that all was right. I'd had Kevyn over for hours on end, but they didn't have any idea, and what they didn't know couldn't hurt me. I was sure my mom would have at least one more shopping trip before Christmas, thinking of a few things she'd forgotten to buy the first time, and was already planning on inviting Kevyn. I wasn't so sure what Bastiaan had been worried about, so elated was I at the time. Keeping my relationship with Kevyn a secret wasn't turning out to be as hard as I thought.
The ten days until Christmas passed by quickly, as time always seems to do around the holidays. I helped out around the ranch in the mornings, and then spent most of my evenings with Kevyn. Since I was still taking care of all my chores, my dad couldn't complain, though I knew he wasn't pleased. I didn't care. All the new bravado I felt around the beautiful woman went right to my head, leaving me slightly dizzy and able to focus solely on her. We spent nearly as much time kissing as we did talking or anything else.
We still rode double, although Frances was doing much better, and nearly completely healed. If the snow wasn't too bad, we went out to Mustang Point for lunch, although the sightings of the wild horses weren't quite as frequent as they had been at first. I wondered where they spent the winter, but didn't worry.
Every few days, I'd find another letter in the mailbox for me, and with the weather the way it was, Kevyn had actually started sending them rather than walking them over. I couldn't help but chuckle at the fact that she'd rather spend thirty-seven cents to give me something in the mail than simply hand it to me when I was at her house. Bastiaan dutifully read them to me every time, enjoying the opportunity to tease me, but also coming to the realization that my feelings were deeper than I understood, and trying to help where he could.
When it was snowing too hard or just too cold to go outside, we'd stay warm in her house, usually curled up together on the sofa. I no longer panicked when her parents came around, and in fact felt like I had a second home. I helped Patrick with dinner, and actually cooked for them all on my own once, a meal they all exclaimed was wonderful, Diane giving me a warm look throughout the dinner.
She asked Kevyn and Patrick to leave us in the kitchen, as I was clearing the table, and I wondered if I was in trouble. The wink Kevyn gave me as she walked into the den with her father was reassuring, but, still… I was a little nervous.
"Come sit," she requested, motioning to the chair at her side. I did as she asked, my knee immediately starting to bounce. She noticed, and chuckled, patting my hand. "It's all right, AJ, you're not in any trouble. I just wanted to thank you, for being here with Kevyn. I know my getting sick has been very hard on her, but she doesn't like to show it, and I know she tries to be strong for me, and for Patrick, as well. You let her know she doesn't have to be strong, and that's just what she needs. You're just what she needs.
"You've been so good to my whole family, AJ," now there were tears in both of our eyes, "and it means so much to me to know that you'll take care of her."
I clutched at her hand, albeit gently. "Of course I will, Diane, but don't talk like this," I pleaded, frightened at the implication I had gotten from her tone.
"Oh, AJ…" Her fingers squeezed mine. "The doctor said it's not improving, and it won't improve. In fact, it's beginning to spread again." I felt my stomach drop. "I don't want to worry them, dear, please don't say anything. But Kevyn's going to need you, more than ever. Please, tell me you'll be there for her."
"Always," I promised. "Always." Then I embraced her, and felt her thin frame in my arms, even through the layers of clothes she wore, and started to cry. In that instant, I understood a fraction of what Kevyn must have felt every day, knowing that in time, she was going to lose the wonderful woman I was hugging, and I admired her bravery and strength. It was a long time before I was able to pull away and wipe at my eyes, and when Diane kissed my forehead, I almost broke down again.
That was just three days before Christmas, when Diane and I talked in the kitchen. I told Kevyn, regretfully, (once I had washed my face and forced myself to walk with a lighter step) that I wouldn't be able to see her until the day after Christmas, because my parents not only wanted my help setting up the decorations around the house, but were planning a birthday party for me and my brother.
I didn't realize until she nudged me that I'd never mentioned my birthday before.
"You sure don't give a girl much warning," she teased, and I chuckled. "You know this means I have to think of something to give you for your birthday and Christmas."
I shook my head. "Honey, you don't have to buy me anything." When she was going to insist, I kissed her softly, and admitted, "All I want or need is right here." The kiss she replied with was enough to curl my toes, which of course led to more kisses, and soon the only thing on my mind was the warm body next to mine and her gentle caresses.
* * * * *
"You can see it from a mile away," I decided, wiping my hands as the last of the Christmas lights were put up around the house. We worried it would be too cold for the bulbs to be outside, as the snow was increasing, so all the strings were inside. I was tempted to dig out my sunglasses every time dad turned on the lights for the Christmas tree. Mom had her Christmas CDs in the player, Bastiaan had hung all the stockings on the mantle… we were ready for Christmas, all right.
Hell, I was afraid we would scare it away.
This was even before the birthday decorations went up.
We got everything finished, when my mom announced she was going to go pick up the cake that night, before the weather got too bad, and before everyone else emptied the shelves. I knew that would mean she'd have to stop in at least three other shops, just to see what they had, and buy much more than a single cake. I guessed they'd be gone for no less than three hours, four with the snow.
The first thing I did when I heard them drive away was dial Kevyn's number.
"Hello?" she answered on the second ring.
"Hey," I said, unable to keep the excitement from my voice, "what are you doing tonight?"
I felt her smile. That sensation hadn't dulled in our time together. "I don't know, I was hoping on spending some time with the dogs, letting them help me wrap presents and such. But I suppose you'll do, too," she teased, and I laughed.
"My parents just went out for a last minute shopping trip. Do you want to come over for a little while?"
"That sounds good, Nikka. I think my dad's been trying to get me out of the house so he can wrap my Christmas gifts, anyhow."
I grinned, told her I'd be over in just a few minutes to pick her up, and set the phone back on the base as my sibling cleared his throat. I looked up at him, and the gaze he offered was kind but cautious.
"Be careful, AJ," he warned.
I shrugged him off. "It's fine, Bastiaan. Mom and dad won't be back for hours, and I'll have Kevyn back long before that. We've done it before. Don't worry so much," I chuckled, rushing to throw my jacket on. My brother said nothing more, but it was his silence that I should have listened to.
* * * * *
I had to assure Kevyn three times before we even got back to my house that it was okay, that I was sure my parents were gone and would be out for a few hours, and that I was sure my brother didn't care, before she seemed to calm down. She was worried that we would be caught, I knew, and that I would get in trouble for it. I had no such concerns, thinking back to how easy it had been the first time.
Bastiaan was up in his room, most likely on the phone with Bobby, so I took Kevyn directly to the living room. We sat near the fire, and I pulled out a bag of marshmallows and some pokers. We laughed when they dropped into the fire, and as I was the first one to have a marshmallow come back charred but intact, I offered it to her on a graham cracker along with some chocolate. My mom couldn't eat it, but she had bought it for me and my brother, anyhow.
She took it from my hand with a smile, and then gave me hers. We continued like that for a short while, until we had both had enough of the sweets to eat any more, and then I put them away. When I returned to the living room, Kevyn had stretched out on the blanket near the fireplace, and I joined her, lying beside her, holding her in my arms.
"Nikka?"
"Yeah?" I replied, softly, pleasantly relaxed, stroking her hair.
Her eyes were closed, and she snuggled deeper into my side. "Thank you."
I blinked. "For what?"
"For being here… for being you."
I smiled. "I can't be anyone else."
I meant it as a slight joke, but she didn't laugh. She kissed my shoulder, and murmured into my ear, "I'm glad," before placing soft kisses on my neck. We had yet to go any further than we had the last time she was in my house, and I was beginning to feel what one might call frustrated. Granted, I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted, I only knew that I was craving more, whatever that meant. Every time I had the chance, I took it, so it wasn't long before I raised my knee so my thigh settled between hers, still loving the gasp that caused.
She moved against me for a moment, which of course meant I felt her thigh against me as well, and moaned into the long kiss we were sharing.
Then, she pulled back, and I bit back a sigh. Wasn't I the one that was supposed to be unsure, the one that kept stopping us? At least, that was what I had gathered from Bastiaan, the nights I'd stayed up with him, asking him to read some of the books he had. Despite the blush it caused, usually for both of us, he didn't skip any parts. It was always the inexperienced one who stood in the way, who pulled away and made the other partner wait. I was sure she couldn't be misinterpreting my actions… so what was going on, here?
Oh, no… she doesn't want me. That's what it is, I knew, at once. She doesn't want to and can't figure out how to tell me.
"Not here, baby," she said, gently, bringing me out of my thoughts just a little. "I don't want our time together spent worrying about getting caught by your parents."
I couldn't help myself. "There's always some excuse," I frowned. "You don't want to rush things, you say I have to go home soon, you're worried about my parents coming home… It doesn't make any sense to me."
She looked at me, carefully, the gold in her eyes reflected by the jumping firelight. I had never spoken to her in such a tone, and she looked hurt. Her quiet just made me sulk even more, and when she didn't respond, I spoke up, again.
"I don't understand why you keep stopping us," I told her, firmly, and saw her look up briefly to locate her jacket. "You're leaving?"
"I think I'd better," she said, in a voice I couldn't recognize, and got to her feet. I sat, still, my back to her as she walked away. It didn't appear to dawn on either of us that I would need to take her home.
When I heard her footsteps near the door, I said in a small voice that I honestly didn't mean for her to hear, "You don't want me, do you?"
The footsteps stopped, and I heard her jacket fall as she threw it on the couch again, coming back into the living room. She knelt beside me, and when I looked at her, I knew what I'd said still hurt, but there was concern and surprise there, too.
"Is that what you think?" she asked, and I nodded, even though I hadn't meant to tell her. She took my hand in hers and kissed my palm. "Oh, Nikka, that's the farthest thing from the truth, and I'm sorry you have to ask.
"I want you, Annika, very much." With her eyes dark and her breath against my fingers, I could do nothing less than believe her. "But I don't want to rush you, you're right. I know this is new to you, and I promised we'd go at your pace. I don't want to think that I'm pushing you, but I'm afraid if we start more than we have, I won't be able to stop…
"And, baby, I want it to be perfect. I want us to be together when we won't have any interruptions, when we don't have to worry about anything, when there is only us. Do you understand, sweetheart?"
I nodded, and she pulled me against her in a tight hug. "I'm sorry I got mad at you," I muttered into her shoulder, wrapping my arms around her. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I never want to hurt you."
I felt her kiss the top of my head. "I know, Nikka. I think we're both a little frustrated, and I forgot that you might not understand what I meant. I'm sorry you felt like I was just making excuses. Trust me, I do want you." Another kiss, at my temple this time. "And when it happens, it will be worth the wait."
I drove her home not long after that, because she decided she didn't want to chance my parents coming back early. I think she was still hurt by what I had said, and we drove back in silence, though I kept hold of her hand as often as I could. We pulled up, and I leaned forward to kiss her cheek.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, again.
She shook her head, kissing my chin gently. "Stop apologizing, baby. I understand and it's all right, okay? Don't worry." I nodded, though I knew I would, still. Long fingers threaded through my own and she squeezed my hand. "We're okay," she assured me, and it was as though that was what I'd been waiting to hear all along. I smiled warmly, and dropped a kiss on her lips before she left the truck and hurried into the house, avoiding the cold snow as much as possible.
Once again, I was able to return home and clean everything up in plenty of time, so my parents would have no reason to think anything was amiss. Bastiaan came downstairs not long after I returned, and was silent, only throwing an occasional glance my way.
"What?" I sighed, at last.
He shook his head slightly. "I just don't think you should be taking chances like that, AJ. You need to be careful. You already know it won't be good if dad finds her here, especially if they catch you together." He was speaking to me gently, as a friend giving advice, but it annoyed me.
"We're fine. You take chances every time you talk about Bobby," I returned, "if you slip up and say "he" instead of "she", that's all it's going to take." I couldn't figure out why I was being so short with everyone just then. "Mom and dad don't suspect anything."
"I hope you're right," was all he said before climbing the stairs again, spending the rest of the night in his room.
My parents came back just over an hour later, and I went to bed right away, telling them I was tired from all the decorating and I'd see them in the morning, I just wanted to make sure they got home safely. I stopped by Bastiaan's door, my hand poised to knock, but then I dropped it. It was late. I'd just have to talk to him in the morning.
* * * * *
Christmas Eve rolled around, and I snuck in a call to Kevyn as I was getting dressed, finding nice clothes to wear to church. Christmas Eve was one of the days we went to the local Methodist church, and I wanted to find out what Kevyn was doing.
She chuckled when I asked, and countered with, "Well, what are you doing, baby?"
I held the phone against my ear with my shoulder as I buttoned my black jeans, and replied, "Going to church."
"So are we, honey. My dad went last weekend, to the Methodist church near Livingston, I guess, and he said it was nice. We always go to a service at least on Christmas Eve. It used to be every Sunday, but we haven't really had a chance to visit any churches since we moved out here."
I grinned. "We're going to the same church," I told her, "maybe we'll see each other there." I had thoughts of even sitting next to her or her family, but no great hopes, so kept it to myself.
"Maybe. Well I'd better finish getting dressed, baby. If I don't see you before tomorrow, Merry Christmas."
"You too, honey," I said, trusting that my parents were both in their room getting ready and wouldn't hear my conversation. We hung up, then, and I finished getting dressed, wearing a nice sweater although I knew I'd probably have my jacket on most of the evening. It was snowing, albeit lightly, and was quite cold outside. I doubted the church would be much warmer, and dressed accordingly.
There were two services, one at seven and another one later at ten-thirty. We usually went to the earlier service, and this time was no exception, for even as I pulled on my boots, my dad called that it was time to go.
We found a pew in the middle of the church, and took our seats, scanning the program for the evening as we waited for the rest of the congregation to arrive. I was sitting nearest the aisle, and glanced up when I felt someone bump against me. I grinned when I saw Kevyn slide in to the pew across from us. She winked at me, and then turned to make sure her mom was comfortable.
The service started shortly thereafter, with the lighting of the candles, and singing of a few hymns. I was standing close enough to Kevyn that I could pick her voice out of the crowd, and was thrilled. I got to hear the beautiful voice of a wonderful woman off and on for nearly an hour, and though my dad kept glancing at me, I don't think he could figure out why I had a goofy grin plastered across my face.
Neither of my parents noticed that Kevyn was attending the service until the time came to light our candles. As it went, the ushers lit the candle of the person at the end of every row, and then the flame was passed down, everyone tilting their unlit wicks towards the flame of their neighbor. Lighted candles were not tilted, that was the rule.
My candle was lit before Kevyn's, so I leaned towards her and she was able to reach out and light her own small candle. When I moved back into my seat, I could feel my dad's eyes boring past me, and the sudden downcast shift of sea green eyes told me Kevyn had been the object of his stare.
I sighed under my breath, and everyone looked up when the pastor called for us to begin the singing of "Silent Night". The lights were dimmed, so all that was left was the light of the moon through the stained-glass windows and the flickering dance of our candles. I'll admit the heartfelt singing of the entire church combined with the intimate lighting gave me a chill. The energy was so thick it was almost tangible.
With one bright smile after the interior lights were brought back to their full strength, the candles were extinguished and Kevyn and her family left. I wasn't able to follow after them, as I had no excuse to leave my parents and brother behind. Watching her leave, I knew I had never hated seeing someone walk away from me and enjoyed the view at the same time.
My dad put his hand on my shoulder, and the thought was gone.
"Let's go," he said, a little gruffly, and I wondered if he noticed who I'd been staring at. Nothing else was said, however, and we each greeted the pastor and his wife for a few moments, and made our way back home.
I slept fairly well, and before I knew it, it was Christmas, and my birthday. I took Bastiaan's gifts down with me as I made my way downstairs, placing them in front of the tree or off to the side, accordingly. With the money dad gave me for an allowance, since I helped with the ranch, I'd saved enough to get presents for everyone, Kevyn included, though hers was still up in my room, waiting for the next day when I could give it to her. I was the first one up, and smiled to myself when I realized my parents had been up during the night, adding some last minute birthday decorations.
I threw on my warmest jacket and pulled on my boots, hurrying outside to feed the horses. I would go out on the truck with my dad later on to check on the cattle and make sure they were fed. The horses' winter coats kept them warm, not to mention the blankets we draped across them, and they snorted at me when I hurried back to the house to escape the cold.
Bastiaan was awake next, and sat in the living room. I made two cups of hot chocolate, and offered him one, giving him the one with the biggest marshmallow. I hadn't talked to him since I'd brushed him off.
He took the mug with a small smile, but then turned back to the fire.
"I'm sorry, Bastiaan," I sighed, and he glanced at me. "I shouldn't have talked to you like that, and I don't know why I did. You were only trying to help. I'm just… I don't know. Kevyn and I kind of had an argument, and maybe I was still upset about that. Anyway, it doesn't matter. I'm sorry. Merry Christmas, and happy birthday, and I don't want to be mad at you anymore," I finished, and he set his cup on the table as he hugged me.
"It's all right, AJ," he said, patting my back. "I wasn't mad at you, just worried about you, you know. And happy birthday to you, too, sis."
And my day started out just like that - wonderful.
Our parents woke up about an hour later, and we already had breakfast made. After eating at the table, we all went into the living room, where the tree had been set up, and opened the Christmas presents first. Mom liked the new watch I got her, because her old one broke a few months before, and dad smiled a little when he saw the warm gloves I'd gotten him. He was always complaining about how thin his old pair was. Bastiaan hugged me tightly, unwrapping the book, sort of a study guide for the BAR exam, which the man at the bookstore said was the entrance exam for lawyers. I had to trust him on it, but apparently, it was right.
Mom got me clothes, as I think is written somewhere in small print in the Mother's Manual. "Must give clothes for special occasions, especially Christmas. Birthdays are okay, too." I swear. Every year, I got a sweater, long underwear… at least socks. I thanked her for the sweat pants, as it was that year, and she smiled.
From Bastiaan came a necklace, which I suspected Bobby helped him pick out, as I'd never known my brother to buy jewelry a day in his life. It was a small sunburst pendant made of emerald, on a gold chain, and we shared a small smile when I realized why he'd chosen that stone. It was deep and beautiful, like Kevyn's eyes.
Maybe he'd chosen it himself, after all.
Then came my dad's present. He looked at me carefully for a moment, and then handed me the box, which was rather heavy. I unwrapped it with ease, and paused when I saw it was the box for the starter logs for the fireplace. He laughed, and promised that wasn't what was inside, so I shook my head and opened the box. There, stacked neatly, were no less than a dozen CDs, and as I scanned the front brochures, Bastiaan reading them as I pulled them out, I recognized them all to be from artists that I had mentioned in passing but hadn't thought anyone noticed. Names that I knew my dad didn't approve of me listening to, but he'd bought them anyhow, knowing I liked them.
I glanced at him, seeing the love in his eyes, and hugged him fiercely. We may have fought, he didn't like who I hung around with, and he was afraid I was going to get hurt, Bastiaan and Kevyn were right. But, still, I loved him, and he loved me. It might not always seem like it, but I knew it was true. For all the punishments I'd received and the times I didn't think he liked me, under it all, I was sure he had always loved me.
"Thanks, Dad," I said, and he kissed my cheek.
"I love you, AJ." See? I told you. "Merry Christmas."
"Love you, too, Dad." I squeezed him harder.
The birthday gifts brought a matching sweatshirt from mom, a sketching book from Bastiaan - though I wouldn't be able to read it all, I could still go by the pictures - and a bit of paperwork from Dad. This, I had been expecting. All the little "x"s that my dad had highlighted were places I needed to sign, or initial, or have him read to me and then sign. This would put me on as joint owner to the land, along with my parents. We would spend even more time together, I knew, going over the land and the boundaries, ways to handle this and that. He would help me through it all, taking me with him if he went to talk to people about more land, about selling land, or anything about the stock. I would be even more involved, but that was fine with me.
I looked at the stack of papers with satisfaction, once they'd all been signed. Dad had already dated them all for me. I couldn't have imagined a better birthday.
The rest of the day passed with loads of food and cake and ice cream, which my mom splurged and ate a small amount of. I was thrilled to have her celebrate with us. Then came the gifts for the dogs, cats, and Hamlet - yes, don't laugh, we got them all gifts, too - and laughed as we watched Hamlet talk to his reflection in the new mirrored-toy, or the dogs enjoy the chew bones as they laid next to our feet in the living room, too distracted to worry about the cats as they batted the ball around.
It was the first time in a long time that the whole house felt happy and relaxed, I think, and I wish now that I would have soaked up every moment of it, and locked it away somewhere.
* * * * *
I stopped by Stacey's for a few minutes later that night, and we exchanged our gifts. I laughed at the small stuffed animal she'd given me - that was about as predictable from her as clothes were from my mom - and she seemed to like the key chain. She collected key chains, as well as stuffed animals, and coins, and stamps. I always told her she had too many hobbies, but she never agreed.
"So, how are things going with Kevyn, muffin?" she asked, adding the trinket to her collection, as I held the small bear on my lap.
I smiled. "Good. Hey, cupcake, can I ask a favor from you?" Stacey nodded, and helped me work on Kevyn's Christmas gift, asking for more details about how my first relationship was going. "Everything's fine," I said when we'd finished, and then told her a little of how I'd been stupid and hurt her, but she just patted my knee.
"Everyone has their moments, sweetie. I know you feel bad, but don't worry about it too much if she doesn't, all right?" I nodded that I would try. "She's a wonderful girl, AJ, I'm sure she's already forgiven you." She hugged me as I walked to the door. "You just take care of her, and have fun!"
There was that damned suggestive tone again, though she saw me blush this time, and laughed. I left her, then, and promised to call before New Year's. Then it was back to my house, where I slept for a few hours, unable to wait until the next day when I would be able to see Kevyn.
Bastiaan was gone when I got back; mom said he wanted to spend the night with his girlfriend, and I simply nodded. I wished I could claim a boyfriend, and go stay with Kevyn. But, I resigned myself to sleeping alone in my room, and climbed the stairs, wondering what the redhead was doing just then, if she was thinking about me, as I was her.
My sleep that night was filled again with dreams, where I found myself on the same bridge as before. I wasn't quite sure why it was in the middle of Montana, with no water to cover, but it was a dream, and you don't question things in a dream. They just are.
Kevyn was on the opposite side, once more, and though I called her name, she didn't come any closer. I walked towards her, and the bridge began to shake and sway, and I gripped at the sides, frightened. Her voice drifted to me, then, telling me not to be afraid. She wouldn't let me fall. All I had to do was trust her. It would be all right.
I trusted her. I knew I did. But taking another step only made the bridge seem even more unstable, and I refused to take any more. She would have to come to me, and then we could walk across together, I called to her. This offer seemed to surprise her, but before she could answer, the shaking became so fierce that I turned and left. When my feet were back on solid ground, I turned around, but the bridge, and Kevyn, were gone.
I cried out, in my dream or in my sleep I don't know, but she didn't come back. The bridge didn't reappear, and she didn't reply to my shouts. There was nothing, then, but me and the open land, just the way I used to like it.
Only now, I felt terribly alone and empty.
I woke up, trembling, and realized my pillow was damp. I thought perhaps I'd worked myself into a cold sweat, but it was then that I realized I'd been crying in my sleep. I took a shaky breath, but didn't fall back asleep for quite a while.
Continued in Part 3