~ Of Choices ~
by celticblue
Disclaimer: The characters belong to Universal but the sentiment is mine. No copyright
Infringement is intended. For my mother, and in memory of my father both of whom always
chose to give of their love and themselves.
Thanks for reading.
Of Choices
celticblue
Part I
As the two women approached the village the skies were a pristine blue with clouds dotting an endless expanse like wisps of smoke just out of reach. The air fairly intoxicating with the heady scents of newly budded flowers, fragrant herbs and salt spray always managed to tickle the nose when the winds blew just right. The warrior continued riding and the bard beside her walking in companionable silence. The warrior tall and dark exuded intensity far exceeding the contrast of raven hair and deep blue eyes. There was an aura of power about her, and sadness in equal measure. And no one understood that sadness as did the bard who accompanied her. She knew of the past she was so legendary for and she knew the darkness, but she also knew of all the warrior had done in her quest for redemption; deeds both great and small, instances of consideration as well as acts of bravery. And the endless hours, days and nights of fighting injustice, and of putting everyone's needs above her own even to the point of becoming ill.
She knew of her love of children and the pain she felt everyday for the child she'd left behind. The bard loved children as well and found a special magic in the smiles they lent whenever she'd tell her stories. She thought on this as they continued on. The young ones were always fascinated and would curl up around them both. The children were seldom intimidated by the warrior, well once they relaxed a moment and realized they weren't going to be consumed, and she knew her friend relished the closeness even if she didn't admit it. It gave Gabrielle hope that in time, Xena could someday forgive herself for the person she'd once been. And be at peace with the person she now was.
They had travelled far and battled hard these past several weeks and both women were looking forward to hopefully a good meal and a good night's sleep. It looked to be a peaceful town and as far as the warrior was concerned that would be a welcomed change. But appearances were often deceiving so she maintained a keen awareness, part of an inherent ability that had saved both their lives on too many occasions to count. The village they approached was much the same as many another they had been through. Goats could be seen being led through the streets; craftsmen were out plying their wares. Old and young alike were either busy with the day's activities or engaged in conversation with friends or neighbors. The warrior dismounted leading her golden war-horse alongside her with the bard on her left absorbing the sights and sounds.
Part II
Gabrielle was taken as she always was with the enamor of new places and people and of the discovery of something not yet experienced. It was the consuming desire for travel and adventure that had compelled her to follow Xena what seemed so long ago now, when the warrior first rode through her home village of Poteidaea. And saved her from a fate that could still make the bard cringe to think of at times. Slavery was a terrifying and degrading aspect that no one should be made to endure and if not for Xena... The moment she had looked in her eyes she had felt such a deep sense of purpose yet sadness too. And at that moment she knew. She knew with a certainty beyond reason that she would follow her. And that she would make a difference. I've certainly gotten my money's worth she thought with a small grin. In almost three seasons of traveling there wasn't too much they hadn't seen or done together. She was a bard and had been able to fill her scrolls with the accounts of many great and at times tragic adventures. But she felt so proud to tell those stories. They had both been through a great deal and had both grown as people.
As she thought of the woman beside her, green eyes warmed with affection. So much pain did she carry. Pain over past choices and ones yet to come. And guilt for the consequences of all of them. Leaving her son Solon behind had been one of those excruciating choices and it was not without its mark. The pain reawakened after their last journey to the Centaur village, and a second parting had cost the warrior. The bard saw it everyday in her eyes. It had taken her a good while to understand the depth and dimension of feeling involved with Xena's choice to leave Solon behind. The past several years had helped her to understand herself as well as the warrior and she was beginning to look at things through different eyes and to appreciate the vast complexities of people's perceptions. She had always, and probably would always react from the heart. But she was learning to temper that passion with a richer awareness as well and she was grateful for yet another thing she had learned from a woman who was incredibly strong, but too who could be infinitely gentle.
As they walked along a small group of children was playing in the streets. The warrior's gaze came to rest on them with a look all too familiar to the bard, a bittersweet look of longing and pleasure. Gabrielle smiled. She was glad there were children here. They would do Xena good, and she knew only too well how much they enjoyed new stories, or even old stories given a decidedly new spin by one very imaginative bard.
"Gabrielle" the warrior queried, "I'd like to get Argo stabled and settled, then I'll meet up with you at the inn alright?" With the savory smell of foods permeating the air the bard was having a hard time concentrating. "Huh? I'm sorry Xena I was just thinking about lunch".... And when she wasn't eating she was *thinking* about eating the warrior mused. "I suppose we should get you fed. You are looking a little anemic now that you mention it." Gabrielle looked at her friend and the arched eyebrow in perfect symmetry with the proffered smirk. "Hey", but couldn't hold that mock indignant look and only smiled in the disarming way that was all Gabrielle and never failed to touch something in the warrior. Thinking how much both she and the bard had travelled the last week and knowing the bard was tired, and also knowing that she'd never find her complaining she took heart. "I was saying that why don't you head on over to the inn. I want to get Argo settled then I'll be along, deal?" The bard's gratitude danced in her eyes. "Are you sure? Ok then. I'll find out about getting us a room. Don't be long."
And with that she was off. Xena smiled to herself. So easily pleased. It was one of many engaging qualities that seemed to put things in perspective with the lives they both led. Theirs was a Spartan existence laden with danger and discomfort. The potential for injury was always high as was the other potential she tried not to think of for it frightened her as nothing else ever had. She wasn't worried for herself. She never had been at least until now. But when Gabrielle had come into her life everything changed. Everything. The bard saw every day as something new; the smallest things yielded a joy that was humbling. And she knew how deeply Gabrielle cared and just how committed she was in helping the warrior overcome her struggle with both the past and the future. Looking at the mare with wistful eyes, the warrior stroked the silken mane. "Let's go girl."
Part III
After securing Argo's livery for that day and night, she began rubbing down and currying the animal who promptly butted her mistress when the warrior stopped for a moment to push a strand of ebony hair out of her eyes. "Alright, alright I'll get back to the task at hand." With a small grin she continued to brush and massage from the withers to the fetlocks, taking great care in checking for tenderness or swelling. The mare had been ridden a long distance over rocky and treacherous terrain. She deserved some special attention. After she was finished currying, she leaned down and gently squeezed the hindquarters under the fetlock for the hoof. As Argo raised her leg the warrior took her pick and cleaned first that hoof and the following three. She then applied a warm poultice over each leg as extra relief for the animal. Finally after scratching some favorite spots behind the mare's ears, and then a few more new ones at Argo's urging, and giving her an apple she felt satisfied. "Thank you girl" she said softly stroking the high forehead, "for once again seeing us safely through difficult climbs." The mare nuzzled her cheek and Xena smiled the rare, unguarded beautiful smile she seldom shared.
How she loved this animal, a love borne of loyalty, of trust and of friendship. It's funny she thought. Those were the qualities that defined Gabrielle as little else did. That and a spirit as beautiful as mine is wild. Oh, and tenacious, the warrior thought wryly. Gods, the bard never backed down from anything including her when she felt she was right. The only time she had ever seen Gabrielle frightened was where heights were concerned. It took her some while to realize that her fear in riding was genuine, enhanced by a physical reaction from the effort. She respected her all the more for all the times she had endured. It had taken her a good while to realize many things she reflected sadly. The only time she had ever seen the bard give into fear was when she'd been so greatly injured and the young woman had spent her last reserves trying to save the warrior's life, but to no avail. She had discovered in the painful span that followed the depth of feeling the bard held and it was that knowledge that allowed her to return. Xena had never felt for anyone what she did for Gabrielle. She was everything to the warrior; best friend, partner, champion. Not since Lyceus, who worshipped the ground his sister walked on, and who was butchered on that same ground rather than surrender or run when an entire army surrounded their village, had anyone looked up to her and believed in her with such passion and conviction. And the bond between them could not be defined, but she believed in it, had seen it tested, had seen life taken from her only to see that same courageous heart come back to her because she wasn't ready to leave yet. Gods, she was a fighter, who gave the warrior's life a purpose and filled her with a tenderness she would never have dreamed of. She would never understand how the fates came to weave the threads that would determine people's destinies, nor the lives they would ultimately lead in the process. What she did understand was that Gabrielle was their gift to her and for as long as they were together she would keep her safe. It was a vow she'd made to herself long ago. Giving the mare one last affectionate pat, she left the stable and headed toward the tavern. "And if I don't get there soon, there may not be anything left."
Part IV
As the warrior walked down the busy streets absorbing the people and her surroundings, she saw once again the group of children they'd first spotted. As she watched them play her mind drifted to the last time she'd seen Solon. The joy she felt upon seeing him was pure and abiding. Borias' child. And hers. And she hadn't seen him since leaving him with Kaleipus as a baby. Beyond her greatest imagining was she able to slowly gain his acceptance, then his trust and finally his friendship. And he was a beautiful boy on the outside and within. Holding him in her arms that last day was one of the most wonderful and at the same time one of the most agonizing moments she'd ever endured. She felt as she had when she had said good bye to Gabrielle on her wedding day. As she had stood in the temple holding the bard, part of her wanted nothing more than to keep on holding her and never let go, but she wanted Gabrielle to be happy, as she wanted, as she needed to know Solon would be both happy and safe. Wanting so much to be a part of his life, she also knew it was impossible. She would carry the image of him by the lake with her always. It was something that could never be taken away. She came out of her reverie as a ball landed at her feet. Leaning down and picking it up she looked into their faces one by one. There were five children, two girls and three boys ranging in seasons from four through ten. "And who might this belong to?" she asked soberly.
In the tavern Gabrielle was finishing up what had been a fine lunch of bread, cheese, mutton, several hard boiled eggs, several more olives, figs and amazingly, fresh nut bread. The innkeeper, Jens was a rather large genial man who could appreciate a good appetite. This lass certainly did not disappoint. "Would ya like anything else mistress, perhaps some more milk?" "Oh no, no I couldn't eat another... Where are my manners? Some more milk would be great, thanks." He smiled another smile and nodded to his wife Gerta. "Coming right up." A few moments later, Gabrielle finally pushed back from the small wooden table. She was completely stuffed and pleasantly drowsy. "Thank you Jens. You too Gerta. That's the best meal I've had in, well too long" and grinned. The couple looked at the Bard with amusement. They were very good at judging people and liked this sweet and open young woman. They were looking forward to the stories she'd tell this evening. They had heard tell of the warrior and the bard who travelled with her, and at first were more than a bit apprehensive. Talking with Gabrielle, however, and seeing her face as she spoke with both love and pride for the friendship she felt for the warrior, and the adventures they had shared, they both knew they were looking at someone special. Gabrielle arose somewhat reluctantly. "I'm going to see what's keeping my friend. Could you save some lunch for her?" "I'll see if we've any left " he replied with amusement. "Go on with ya now."
As the bard smiled and turned to leave the innkeeper remembered. "Oh, mistress if you see our grandson could you tell him he's needed here. He'll be with the other children; the goddess only knows why for they are a cruel lot." "I'm sorry" Gabrielle replied, "Is he crippled?" Jens looked sad for a moment before answering. "No mistress. His mother ran off when Saben was born. We've raised him and given him all the love two people could possibly share with another. He is such a sweet lad and gentle as the day is long. It breaks our hearts, Gert's and mine to look at him and see the longing in his face. It's as if he's waiting for her to return. Goddess blest that will never happen. His mother, our Kayla, was a wild one and only too glad to leave here after Saben came along. He's very trusting of everyone and wants very much to feel a part of things, but the children never let him forget his origins or the choice his mother made.
Part V
Gabrielle listened to the kindly couple tell of their grandson and daughter and was saddened to think not only of a child's pain and loss but that of the couple's as well. These were good people and as was her nature her heart went out to any in need. "What does he look like?" the bard asked quietly. Gerta answered with pride and emotion in her voice. "Long blonde hair, blue eyes the color of a summer sky and a smile you twon't soon forget." As she continued listening to the couple she was taken back to a long ago time when she was but a girl herself in Poteidaea and could well remember how much it had meant to be liked and accepted by the other children. She couldn't remember a time she hadn't loved telling stories or capturing the beauty around her in words. And she could never get enough of that beauty. The skies, this land, the sea. Perhaps no where more than the sea. Burgeoning with mystery and life it held marvels great and small; shells no bigger than your palm that housed music in their midst, water so blue she'd only seen it rivaled once in her life and smiled at the thought, and cliffs that rang out in the distance breathtaking and frightening, but so beautiful and sculpted by Poseidon's own hand.
And the children always laughed. They laughed at someone who was different, someone who saw things in a way they couldn't quite understand. They laughed. Until they listened to her voice and the emotion that was always there. And then they understood and the look of understanding is what always made her smile, and be glad she was different so that she might give to others a small part of herself through the words. She came out of her musings with a little shake of her head and came back to the present. "I'll be sure and let him know" the bard replied as the couple finished and left the tavern thinking on all she'd heard and remembering.
The children looked at the warrior in awe. They collectively took a step back as she'd spoken trying not to look as frightened as they felt. They didn't see many visitors in this sleepy little town, and they had never before seen a woman warrior. Xena was well aware of the effect she had on children. It always amused her. The black hair and blue eyes didn't hurt either she reflected. And their discomfiture wasn't lost on her as she held each of their gazes. Then one boy, apart from the rest with blonde hair and sky blue eyes stepped toward the woman before him slowly, but without the fear and even scorn plainly evident in the eyes of the others. As she looked upon him what she did see was a sadness that touched something inside. It was a sadness she recognized intimately. "It's mine" the boy uttered and held the warrior's gaze. "What's your name son?" she asked quietly. "Saben" the boy replied levelly. "Yeah" said one of the other children. "Saben. He doesn't have a real mother or father. His mother didn't love him so she took off without him." For a moment Xena couldn't breathe the words hit her with such force. It took her a moment to regain a sense of balance. Her eyes showed the pain and anger she felt both in the words and the callous way they'd been levelled, and she looked back into the face before her trying very hard to be proud. Leaning down to the boy, her voice softened. "Hello Saben" and held out her hand. The boy, never taking his eyes off the warrior held out his hand slowly in return. The warrior smiled at the young face, once again the smile that was such a special part of her and so rarely seen, and saw muscles relax. "You're very brave Saben. Not everyone would have the courage to approach a warrior." And the boy rewarded her with a hesitant smile. He was a beautiful child she thought, so much like my... Then the softness left her eyes as she rose to her full height.
Turning her gaze on the other children she was seething. But looking at their terrified faces, the anger slowly abated. She really wanted these youngsters to understand. Looking into each face she leaned down once again to be on an equal level. After a moment she began. "Do any of you know how special a gift friendship is? It is something that unites people against enemies. It is also a feeling of respect for yourself and others. The children were losing their fear as the warrior's words started penetrating and although still hesitant they looked curious, as if waiting. "Friendship is knowing that someone believes in you even when you don't believe in yourself. I think that Saben would like to be a friend to each of you if you would allow him to be. I am a warrior and I would like to be a friend as well but I cannot respect anyone who ridicules another simply because that person is different. We are all different in some way. Saben is different than you or I, and I am different than a good many."
As she continued talking she looked to where the boy stood and motioned him over. "Come sit with me Saben." And she sat on a bench with the children gathered around her. "I want to tell you a story if you'll hear it. Would you hear it?" And she looked at each one as she spoke. The children now sat enrapt and nodded at the warrior, who began. "Once there was a warrior who came to lose her way. Through tragedy and grief, she did many bad things and hurt many people. There were many times the warrior came close to death, but it didn't really matter because she felt dead in here." And held her hand over her heart. "She lost a great deal during this dark time; her self respect, her goodness and", and hesitated before continuing, fighting a battle to get the words out, "she lost her son." At this the children registered stunned surprise. "What was her son's name?" came the quiet question. Looking into blue eyes that looked so familiar, she replied "Solon. His name was Solon."
Part VI & Conclusion
As Gabrielle had left the inn she started walking down the street toward the livery area hoping to meet up with Xena. She had caught glimpses of movement and what looked like children in the distance, so she decided to walk on and see if perhaps Xena was somewhere nearby. As she slowly came around the bend she could see the back of the warrior and the children gathered around her. Not wanting to intrude she quietly hung back and waited. As she listened she was overwhelmed by the poignant words spoken simply by the warrior, and shed tears for that which could never be gotten back.
Xena's voice caught as emotions churned within. But then a small hand gently held hers in his, and as she looked into Saben's eyes she knew he understood. And that is was alright. With the other children looking expectantly at her she then continued. "She loved Solon very much but knew he would be in great danger with her, for she was a warrior with many great enemies. So she left him in a small village where she knew he would be raised with all the love he deserved by those who would not look upon him as different but who would care for him, teach him and protect him. This was the hardest thing the warrior had ever done but she knew it was the right choice and the only choice she could make. Afterward, she continued as a warrior for many years becoming more hated and feared with the passing seasons. She reached such a low point she was ready to give up but then she met someone, a young bard who showed her what friendship really was. A bard who had no reason to believe in her or to give of herself yet she did, with every part of who she was. She recognized the good still in the warrior's heart even though the warrior couldn't, and hadn't been able to, for a very long time.
With her friendship the young bard taught the warrior how to believe again, both in herself and in others and to discover how much she could give. Her friendship was a second chance to the warrior and they began fighting for justice together. To this day the warrior owes her life to a young woman who saw something that no one else could." As she looked around her she held each gaze squarely one last time and told each and everyone there. "That is what friendship is about. Consider what I've shared with you and perhaps you might think differently the next time you have the chance to offer it." She rose and gently released the hand in her own. Looking down at eyes that now had a shine within them she raised the boy's chin so his gaze met hers and allowed herself a moment. Softly brushing a lock of blond hair aside she smiled softly, turned and headed in the direction of the inn.
Rounding the corner of the alley where the children had been playing she found the bard seated on the ground, her arms enfolding her knees and her head lowered. "Gabrielle" the warrior asked placing a hand on the girl's shoulder with concern, "Are you alright?" "Oh, Xena. Yeah, I'm good" and she smiled up at the warrior. "You look like you've been crying. Is anything wrong?" "No, no I'm fine, I think I just ate too fast." "Well that's a distinct possibility" Xena quipped with a smile as she tousled the blonde head. "What I'd like to know is there anything left?" "Xena" the bard was suddenly very quiet. "What's wrong Gabrielle?" "I want you to know"..... she hesitated, almost taken once more with the emotion she'd just experienced. "I want you to know that I'm here for you. And nothing will ever change that, nothing." There was a fire in the green eyes Xena seldom saw and she realized then that Gabrielle must have heard what she had told the children. Looking into a gentleness that stilled, she lightly brushed the bard's cheek. "Always". "Come on now" and she helped the bard up.
"So, did you get us a room for later?" Gabrielle looked up with a small grin. "As a matter of fact I did. It wasn't easy mind you," and at this point the warrior looked quite pointedly at the sky for she knew what was coming. "No, it wasn't easy but I negotiated a room for the night for us and a meal for good measure, in exchange for my bardic abilities for an evening."The innkeeper and his wife are very nice Xena. I think you'll like them. "Do they know who I am Gabrielle? Is it going to be a problem? ""Yes, and no. We had a nice talk and I learned quite a bit about them. They have a grandson they're crazy about whom I'm to tell is needed back there. His story is a sad one. His mother left him shortly after she had him. According to Jens and Gerta they don't expect her back. He seems to be a rather sweet boy who the children apparently enjoy ridiculing." "He is a sweet one" the warrior countered. "And there is a strength there that is deceptive. Much like a certain Amazon I know whose bardic abilities are only outdone by her talent at negotiations and the capacity to put away more food than any three warriors combined." Xena waited, expecting the usual return response. She knew how much Gabrielle enjoyed their good-natured sparring. And was surprised when the bard just smiled, gently squeezed her arm and told her to enjoy her lunch, that she'd meet her later back at the inn. She also knew that when Gabrielle was most moved she had no words, but in her eyes was a depth that spoke volumes.
*********
How many times had the bard calmed her spirit, or cut the rage that always seemed capable of exploding, or simply made her smile, and done it with a look, or a word or a simple touch? Or lifted me right out of the saddle with the occasional bawdy humor she enjoys surprising me with? As she walked toward the inn the warrior continued thinking on the boy who had looked at her and held her gaze. Who had dared to ask a question and then beyond all expectation to take her hand in his own and look at her as if he really could see inside, and what he saw didn't frighten him, it only made him look at her with even greater compassion. He deserved if nothing else the respect of the other children. She hoped that having shared what she did with them, those same children would come to see things differently. She really had wanted to reach them and it seemed as if all the emotion held inside for so long had flowed of its own volition this afternoon. It had been a catharsis for her. And although she hadn't ever shared the intensity of her feelings with Gabrielle, the bard had heard and now she knew. And the warrior was glad, very glad that she had.
She smiled at the thought and at how good she could feel sometimes when she least expected it. As Gabrielle was fond of saying, if you give of yourself you'd be surprised at what you may receive in return. That was certainly true she'd found and nowhere more than in the friendship she shared with Gabrielle. Gabrielle and Solon were beacons in her life. She had chosen to leave one behind and to allow the other one to follow. In leaving Solon behind she had lost a part of herself but in Gabrielle she had found another part of herself she had never hoped to see or feel again. The best part she now realized. And there was nothing, nothing more special than the love that both represented. Perhaps it was a part of that light and that love she'd seen in the boy. He was different. The moment she looked at his face she knew. She felt an affinity there. And he looked so much like Solon it took her breath away. Perhaps he can find the peace he seeks. "And perhaps someday I can as well." And as she said the words aloud she realized that for the very first time she actually believed in the possibility. And that the fleeting, trembling barely dreamt of notion was somehow something more now, something indescribably more. As the warrior continued on she held her hand to her chest remembering and was grateful for the feeling of life that beat there. And she smiled again. Just because it felt good and because she could.
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