Warning: Appreciating this is going to require a twisted...or at least warped...sense of humor. Hope somebody besides me finds this to be at least mildly amusing. Let me know if you do. On the other hand, if you don't, believe me when I tell you that there is nothing you can say to me that I haven't already said to myself! :)
1999
"Gabrielle! How many times do I have to tell you? That's Hershey's, not herpes!," the warrior snapped and handed the clerk twenty dollars. Griping quietly to herself, she picked up the box full of candy and stomped toward the door.
The indifferent blond reached into the box and retrieved one of the items inside. Ever so daintily, she peeled back the foil wrapper and sank her teeth into her new love...milk chocolate from Pennsylvania. "Well..." She shrugged her shoulders. "It's hard to keep all these new words straight. And besides, you know I'm on the rag."
"Ohhh! That word you can remember!," Xena grumbled. "Well, you're going to have to try to learn the lingo around here because you just told that man you wanted the biggest case of herpes he could find!" She glared at her companion, rolled her eyes, and began to follow the grayish paved path. "Come on."
Gabrielle quickly found herself being pulled down the street by her arm. "What are you looking at?!," she yelled, scowling when she noticed a group of construction workers ogling them. "Xena?" The warrior tried to ignore her as she continued to drag her across the cluttered sidewalk. "Did you see a cat back there because they said something about the best looking pus..."
"Gabrielle!" Xena clamped her hand over her friend's mouth before she could get the word out. "They weren't talking about cats! Now be quiet and stay close," she ordered, growing more and more exasperated by their predicament. She didn't know where they were or how they got there. But, even worse, she didn't know how she was going to manage to get the bard and herself back to Greece.
"Hand over the box." A voice came from behind the warrior and she felt a pointed object pressing against the small of her back.
"Not on your life, dough boy," she growled and reached for her chakram. Within moments, the would-be mugger was running down a nearby alley, the warrior having tossed his gun into the sewer. Meanwhile, Gabrielle continued to munch away on the chocolate, not the least bit phased by the incident.
"Thanks, Xena. For not letting him take my herp... Hershey bars." Her teeth sparkled when she grinned and took another bite. "Xena?" She suddenly looked perplexed. "Did you just call that guy dough boy? What's a dough boy?"
"A dough boy is this little white thing that comes on that annoying picture box and talks about biscuits until somebody finally gets fed up and jabs him in the gut."
"How do you know so much about this place?," the bard asked.
"Even here...where ever this is...I have many skills, Gabrielle." She wiggled her eyebrows, her ego boosted by the fact that, even though she didn't know which end was up in this strange new world, she had still managed to impress her companion.
The bard's eyes wandered, taking in the sights. "Oh Xenaaa," she sang and pointed to a candy shop across the street. "Pleeeasse!" She folded her hands under her chin and tried to look as pitiful as possible.
"Oh, all right, but I can't carry much more." The warrior caved at the sight of big green eyes and followed her across the street, lugging the box of chocolate.
The bard licked her lips as she surveyed the items in the clear plastic bins. "I could really go for some nuts!," she announced. "Remember Talikar's nuts, Xena? He had the biggest, saltiest nuts! Oh gods! I used to dip them in cider and suck on them for hours!"
"Gabrielle!" The warrior abruptly silenced her before any more heads turned their way.
"What? What did I say this time?" Gabrielle's confusion was obvious.
"Gab...you...Oh! Let's just go." She threw her hands in the air pushed her out the door.
The two women stood on the busy corner, waiting for the traffic to subside long enough for them to make it across the street. The officer in the middle of the intersection gestured with his arms and the bard was certain to wave every time he did. "Gabrielle?" Xena shook her head.
"Huh?" She kept smiling and waving at the uniformed man.
"He's not waving at you, Gabrielle. He's directing traffic," she explained through clenched teeth and the bard stopped waving.
"Oh," she muttered, a little embarrassed.
Finally, the cars halted and the officer gave them the signal to cross. The bard, wanting to make up for her faux pas, walked up to the officer and blurted out, "Hi, pig. I'm Gabrielle. How's it hangin'?"
"Gabrielllle!" Xena jerked her away from the stunned man.
"What?! I thought everyone here called them pig!"
The officer stared, unable to miss their unusual attire. "Step onto the sidewalk," he instructed. With a wave of his hand, the traffic started moving again and he approached the two women waiting on the curb. "I.D.?," he requested and held out his hand. The bard reached out and slapped his palm exclaiming, "I'm down with that!" Smiling from ear to ear, she added, "See, Xena! He's friendly. Nothing to worry about."
"Do you ladies have any identification?," the officer repeated.
"Uhhh...errr...no. But my name is Xena and hers, like she said, is Gabrielle."
"Xena, huh? And do you have a last name?," he asked through a disgusted frown.
"Well, some people call her warrior princess, so that would make her name Xena Princess. But then again, others call her the destroyer of nations, making her last name Nations. Therefore, her first and last name would be Xena Nations..." The bard rambled on and on until Xena gave her a look that forced her into silence. Within seconds, the two women found themselves being assisted into the back seat of a black and white car. When they arrived downtown, the officer escorted them into the station house, booked them, and locked them away for safe keeping.
"Xena? Why are we being held in the prisoner's hut?," Gabrielle asked, peering through the steel bars.
"Nice outfit, honey." A tall blond wearing fishnet stockings, a halter top, and a very short skirt approached the bard. "I'm Rhonda." The blond introduced herself and politely shook the woman's hand. "So, Gabrielle, you a lady of the evening too?," the woman asked.
"Well, yes and no. I mean...I like the evening, but I find that I'm more alert during the day."
"In broad daylight?," the woman gasped.
"Yep. The brighter the sun, the more I manage to do." She smiled.
"Well, no wonder business has been so slow lately. You're wearing all of my customers out before lunch!," Rhonda squealed and gave the bard a slap on the back.
"Wearing them out? Customers?," Gabrielle mumbled to herself. "Oh! You...you think I'm a...you don't understand. I'm not...," she tried to explain.
"Let it go, Gabrielle," Xena grumbled and the bard decided it was best if she stopped talking.
Having spent the majority of the day behind bars, Xena was in no mood to walk the streets. Kicking at the rubbish scattered over the sidewalk, she suggested they find some place to rest and grab a bite to eat. Gabrielle, not one to turn down a meal, readily agreed. "Xena, do you suppose that pig...uhh I mean...bounty hunter will come looking for us?," the bard asked as they shuffled down the crowded street.
"I'm planning on getting us out of here before he finds us." The warrior had waited for a peaceful solution to their unfortunate incarceration and, when it didn't come, she and the bard escaped in the usual fashion. She did indeed have many skills and busting out of the joint was certainly one of them.
Gabrielle stared up at the neon lights flashing on the building just ahead. She pondered the letters on the sign which read "J. Foster's" and, though she couldn't decipher the words, suggested they check it out. "Looks like they have food to me." She stared through the window, her face pressed against the glass.
The warrior mumbled something under her breath and opened the door, holding it open until the bard was inside. Following closely behind her friend, she inspected the room for signs of trouble. Both women instantly noticed that there were no men in the establishment and that most of the women present were paired off. "Xennaaa...," Gabrielle purred in her companion's ear.
"What is it, Gabrielle?" She tried to pretend she hadn't noticed the seductive ring in her companion's voice.
Without further warning, the bard grabbed her friend by her leathers and spun her around until they were face to face. "Oh my...ohhmyyggods," the warrior groaned when the little blond began to nibble on her neck, her hands quickly finding their way to her breasts.
"Xena? Xena?" The bard shook the sleeping warrior. "Wake up."
Xena's body shifted when she opened her eyes. Still groggy, she gazed up at her companion. "What were you dreaming about?," Gabrielle asked. "The way you were moaning and groaning and tossing and turning, I thought I'd better wake you up."
"Gabrielle?" The warrior gave her a look of disapproval. "From now on, if I'm moaning and groaning like that, don't you dare wake me." And with that, she rolled over and disappeared beneath her blanket, hoping to sink back into the dream and pick up where she had left off.
THE END (Oh stop clapping!)