<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Allo, allo, allo! It is moi, Cheaza! Okay boys and gulls, rant time!

Am I the only one around here that thinks that this season has really sucked so far? I mean with the exception of "Been There, Done That" "Warrior. . .Priestess. . .Tramp" "The Quill is Mightier" and the sublime "One Against an Army" the eps have really been lacking, well lacking quality. And I mean like those super-hyped eps like the Chin two, and the Dahok two (which actually hurts me to watch) and like Maternal Instincts and Bitter Suite, well they kinda sucked! There's been way too much a) bare asses, mainly Gabs'! B) violence against aforementioned bard c) wish-washy characterizations of Bard and Warrior. I'm sorry but if the Xena people are so set on winning an Emmy, they better consider getting their sh*t together first. Cause right now, the last thing they need is an award for this season! Sorry RJ and Rob, but put your pipes of crack and wedding plans with Lucy away for awhile, stop living on your laurels and GET THE LEAD OUT! Come on man! You all are losing it, and it's only the third season! And how come such news like return of the Horde, Mel and Janice, ADITL2, and a trip to isle of Lesbos are scheduled for NEXT season! Trust me you all need this stuff now! And as for the return of Per-dick-less, KISS OFF STRAIGHT BOY! We now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfiction, thank you for your time.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

UBER ALERT! This is a way to prove to myself, and hopefully to all of you out there, that I can write a good story that isn't all goth and macabre and angst ridden (what can I say, I read a lot of Anne Rice and listen to too much Nine Inch Nails!) ENJOY!

**My dad and his homophobia was not harmed during the production of this fanfic, but my ass will probably be when he realizes I have been writing fanfic on his 'puter!**

This story is dedicated to MY Gramma and Great Gramma, you may not be Uber Xena and Gabs, but you still kick some serious ass! BIG grannydaughter kiss! <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

When I Grow Up, I Wanna be a Warlord. . .

by Cheaza ( aelshecnametab@hotmail.com )

My name is Xena. I'm 16 years old.

My sister, who's 19, is named Gabrielle.

I know, it's as cheesy as hell. But I swear to god we were named a long time before that dumb show was ever even thought up. And of course they have to use my name for the title, and add on that lame "warrior princess" bull. It's so embarrassing sometimes; the kids at school always ask me where my breastplates and "round killing thingie" are. When I tell my sister and mom this, they giggle and say that a breastplate wouldn't be necessary for me cause I've got nothing to protect. Ha ha.

My grammas, (yeah I said grammas) named me and my sister. Don't even try to mention that Xena show to them though. They think they, like, created it or something. Big Gramma always says that she and "her Janice" found the Xena scrolls a long time ago when they were young, (what ever the hell Xena scrolls are.) And while she's saying this my Little Gramma (the aforementioned "her Janice") swears a blue streak about some New Jersey brush salesman. My sister thinks this means they're going senile, but they've saying it since the start, and they sound like they actually believe it. It's only my mom that can talk enough reason into them to keep them from trying to sue the producers of the show. She tells them that they would lock them up for crazy talk like that. But the thing is, my Big Gramma used to tell me stories about Xena and Gabrielle when I was younger, and I've seen these same stories on this show. Creepy.

I've tried to ask my mom about it, but she always changes the subject, or tries to divert my attention. My mom's name is Roy, short for (get this) Aphrodite. I swear to god, just like the Greek Goddess of love! Like, what were my grammas smoking when they named her? I say "my gramma" cause no one's really sure who exactly named her, I think they both did.

My Big Gramma had my mom, but my sister and I have no idea who our grandpa is, and if my mom knows, she ain't talking. It's actually kinda weird cause my mom looks like my Little Gramma. She has my Little Gramma's copper hair, small body, and, I swear, the exact same face, but with my Big Gramma's really blue eyes. I often wonder if they were smoking the same stuff they were smoking when they named my mom all the way through the pregnancy and kinda lost track of who actually had her. When ever I ask them about this, they usually just smile at me and wink and say it's "one of the great mysteries of life."

Like, thanks Gramma, could you be a little more vague?!

My sister and I don't know our dad. He was my mom's high school boyfriend, and he knocked her up in Grade 12, and they had my sister. He was a real slick one, from what my Little Gramma tells me, a master thief who used to steal their nic-nacs every time he came over. As for my coming into being, my mom tells me that after 2 years of no contact this guy just appeared in her room one night, not all that hard of a feat for this break and entry king, and they, well, you know, and she got pregnant with me. She hasn't heard from him since that night, I guess he's in prison now or something. But I have a hard time believing that.

You see, for having the same father, I don't look anything like my sister. She's very dark, like my Big Gramma, but with olive skin and brown eyes. I look more like my mom and my Little Gramma, light coloured, but with really light blond hair and my mom's blue eyes, but I'm really, really tall, almost 5'11 now and still growing. The only person taller than me in my family is my Big Gramma (thus why we call her Big Gramma.) My mom calls me and her "Amazon children" cause we're both so tall and have really long limbs. But the difference is my Big Gramma, who was raised in charm school in the South, is graceful with her long legs and height, and I tend to be rather gangly and all feet at times.

I do, however, do some modeling cause I'm so tall and bone skinny (with no boobs as my sister, who is very well endowed, loves to remind me) and but I also have a black belt in tae kwan doe. I've also been horse jumping in competitions since I was 10, and riding horses since before I could walk. My Grammas bought me my own horse about 2 years ago, a big golden coloured mare. They wanted me to name it "Argo" but I figured that if they announced "Xena riding on Argo" in competition people would think that the announcer was drunk, so I opted for the name Vega Iona. Big Gramma won't even go near her, but my Little Gramma drives me to every lesson and watches me practice. That dumb show did mess that one thing up-it's the little blond who loves horses.

My sister's big claim to fame is her singing- she's been studying opera since age twelve- and her kleptomania. Little Gramma says the singing is from "her Mel" (my Big Gramma) and the kleptomania is from Gabby's thieving father. But you see, she didn't say "your thieving father." She and my Little Gramma and my mom have made these little slips before, and it just makes me wonder all the more.

Before I go any farther, I should explain about my grammas' relationship, just in case you haven't figured it out yet. They met in the 1940's at some archeological dig in Greece. My Little Gramma ended up leaving that career though to come live with my Big Gramma in New Orleans, Louisiana, where we live now. This is where my Big Gramma was born and raised (pure Creole) and she was all alone when she met my Little Gramma, her father having died and left her the Garden District house that they live in still today. They are, as the P.C. people like to call it, "life partners", but they always refer to and address one another as "my love" which I think is much more romantic. When they are really giddy off spiked punch or from smoking pot with my mom and my sister for a gag, they call one another "best friend" like the Xena and Gabrielle characters on that show. They think it's hilarious when society gets so scared of homosexuality, cause they've lived together for almost 55 years now, and very successfully.

I'll admit I had problem with it briefly when I first went to school and realized it made me different. I had gone in thinking there was nothing wrong with it (so thinking truthfully in other words) and the other kids started to call me "dyke baby." My grammas put a stop to this pretty quick though when I refused to come and visit them, so afraid of being different and made fun of. I still remember them coming over to our house, and up to my room to sit on either side of me on my bed. They talked to me for a long time as I kept my head hidden under the pillow in shame, more upset over hurting two people I loved so much than the fact that I realized now that they were gay. But they stayed there with me, rubbing my back as they spoke in those wonderful gramma voices, telling me that love is the most important thing in the world, and that they loved one another so much, and most importantly, they loved me as well. Since that day on, I have refused to let anyone tell me how to feel about people, or to judge them based on superficial labels. In fact having gay grammas has made me a lot better person.

We're going to my grammas' house today for my mom's birthday. I get woken up early on a Saturday morning, much to my chagrin, but we get to listen to Spice Girls on the way there so that kinda makes up for it. When we get there my grammas are watching that Xena show and are quite agitated. After watching it for a bit I realize the two Xena and Gabrielle actresses, dressed in 1940's garb, are referring to one another as "Mel and Janice."

My mom hears me gasp and, realizing I'm there watching, hisses at them to turn the TV off. I look at them all with eyes as wide as saucers. My Big Gramma, her black hair peppered with streaks of silver pulled back into a chignon, comes around the couch and puts her arm across my shoulders.

"Now do you believe us?" she says, smiling at me, fiddling with my hair like only a gramma does.

My Little Gramma is turned on the couch facing us, her own red hair now gray here and there, a lifetime of smiles for my Big Gramma settling in lines on her face. Her green eyes dance at me, like she has some big secret she's been dying to tell me for years, and I have a feeling that today may be the day she can spill her guts to me.

"Wha-what. . . .they said your names?!!" is all I can muster.

"Quick one, ain't she?" Little Gramma teases, reaching out to squeeze my hand. "Now be a dear and go out to the garage and get your Grandmom a wine spritzer okay? I promise to let you have a sip or two of it if you do!"

"But, but, but they said, on that show, they said your names!" I stumble out looking from my mom, who's shaking her head at us, to my Little Gramma, still slyly smiling, to my Big Gramma who grins back at her from my side.

"We'll explain it okay? Promise, just go get your Little Gramma her drink, so I can have some peace from her alcoholism." Big Gramma laughed and turned me around, gently pushing me towards the garage door, and smacking my butt to get me moving. My sister, who is standing behind me, is grinning at me, and I realize that she knows this little secret too. Dammit!

After having a small nervous breakdown in the garage from pure shock, I returned to the house, and caught them in mid-conversation.

"I wish we could get Xena to come here again." my Big Gramma was saying.

"Oh and what do you suggest we do, Mom? Take her to some god-forsaken Mycenae catacomb and summon up spirits like a coven of witches?" my mom was shaking her head again at them.

"Oh, that won't be necessary." a voice from behind me scared the bajeebees out of me. I turned around to see a leather clad warrior, the spitting image of my Big Gramma standing there with a little redhead who looked a hell of a lot like Little Gramma. The next thing I remember is falling, and blackness.

The ceiling is above me, all I can see is the white stucco ceiling. I turn my head to my right and see two of my Big Grammas.

"Oh my god! I'm seeing double!" I cry out. The two faces both smile down at me, and one talks, with a slight Greek accent.

"No sweetheart, not double." The voice says. I realize that that had been no vision.

"Are you-are you Xena?"

The face nodded.

"And you are too, aren't you?" she asked.

"Xena, for the love of Zeus don't egg her on!" Another voice. Sounds like Little Gramma. But I have a distinct feeling it's not. I turn my head to the left and see double faces again.

"Gabrielle?" I ask them. The tanned one smiles at me, and nods.

"Oh shit." I put my hands over my face.

"Xena, watch your language." Oh I'd recognize that voice anywhere. That's my mom. She stand beside me and helps me stand. I look around at the six figures around me. The two new additions kinda stand out in their leather and natural fiber garb.

"Can I have that wine spritzer?" I ask, half begging.

"You've earned it." My Little Gramma hands me it before my mom can stop her. I sit down at the dining room table and toss it back. I see Xena smiling at me.

"Let's see where she gets her liquor capacity from, me or you." she's smiling at the other Gabrielle, the same smile that my Big Gramma saves for my Little Gramma.

They all sit down at the table around me and my Little Gramma starts talking.

"You know now that your Big Gramma and I are direct descendants of Xena and Gabrielle. And that's where we met, back when we were digging up Gabrielle here's scrolls. Xena paid us a visit back then. But you see, she wasn't the only one to do so. Cause Xena is half-god" I saw Xena grimace slightly "she was able to have children, with the help of the gods, with Gabrielle here, that's how our ancestors came about."

"Oh yeah, pre-Mycenaean test tube babies, okay sure." I took another swig of the wine.

"Go easy on that, love, we want ya sober for this!" My Big Gramma warned.

"Anyways, cause Mel here still had some Xena in her, she had some godhood in her too. So Aphrodite appeared to us about ten years after we met, when we really wanted some children, and offered to give us a little girl."

"But only if they named her after the Goddess." my mom added.

"Oooooh. That explains it! And all this time I thought you were high when you named her!" Gabrielle, like, the original Bard one, laughed at this.

"So ya got all that?" my Little Gramma smiled at me.

"I guess. Are you sure I'm not stoned right now? Or drunk? Cause this is really hard to believe. And does this have anything to do with my dad? Or lack of one?"

"That's what me and Gabrielle are doing right now. It sounds like Ares is behind it" the other Xena said.

"Ares? The god of war?"

"Yes, and my father." This Xena smiled at me.

"Oh eck! That's like incest and stuff!"

"Have you heard about the Greek Gods yet? They're mass into that stuff!" my sister interjected.

"You know I never would have figured that our gene pool would mix with that of the king of thieves." Gabrielle, I mean, the original Gabrielle, said as she looked at my sister with a smile.

"He was quite the charmer," my mom admitted with a fond grin.

"As were his forefathers before him." Xena, like not me but the one in leather over yonder, said with that warrior grimace. She then turned her eyes to me, smiling even. "Xena, Gabrielle and I are doing all we can to help find out who sired you. But until then, be true to yourself, to the goodness that resides in you, and the beauty of both spirit and body you possess. Gifts from your immortal Gramma Bard, no doubt."

She was smiling at her "best friend" and Gabrielle was grinning back.

"Flattery will get nowhere, my warrior." Gabrielle winked at her, "Plus I think that the Amazon height and electric blue eyes can be accredited to you." She turned her attentions back to us, as if to not allow Xena the opportunity to argue. "As for this show, I think the defecation of our collective images has gone on long enough. My suggestion to you all is to get the money you rightly deserve, or say you'll blow their cover."

"Nail that bastard Tapert for all he's worth," Xena said through clenched teeth "Romantically involving me with men! Men like Ulysses and that little shit Rafe." She turned to me with a maniacal grin. "Did you know I actually slit the nuts off both of them? And you don't even want to get me started on what we did to Per-dick-less. . ."

"Xena, sweetheart. . ." it was a soft, yet strong, warning, from the Amazon bard across the table. Xena ceased and desisted, but not until after she'd winked and mock growled to prove her point. The wine spritzer, having gone directly to my head, made me get the giggles over this.

"I think she's had enough now, ladies." My Big Gramma announced, standing "It's time we get the lead out and let her rest for a spell, sleep it off."

I was lead to the front bedroom, and laid down on the huge antique canopy bed. My Big Gramma kissed my forehead and smiled at me.

"Go to sleep dear, it'll make more sense when you wake up I promise." Little Gramma stood by her, smiling.

"I guess this was the big mystery of life revealed, huh?" I grinned weakly up at them.

"Pretty much." She handed me the rest of my wine spritzer and I drank it down and handed her the empty glass. She leaned down and kissed my cheek. "Go to sleep."

***

The figure was shadowed in the darkness of the setting New Orleans sun, straining to stream in through the thick brocade curtains. The light pushing against them filled the room with a reddish hue, like a bath of red over all that lay in there. The figure which slept on the bed was long and sinewy, beautiful by anyone's standards. Young, slim, fit, with blond hair curling down past her elbows. She rested fitfully as the figure encircled her like a hawk on it's prey.

"So pretty, so very pretty my little Xena. Oh but a Xena that is part me, what a treat!" The figure crawled up on the bed beside the sleeping girl, laying an immortal hand on her cheek and kissing her girlish lips lightly.

"You make your mommy Callisto so proud."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

AHHHH!! Did you guess it?! Ah hah! Anyways, if anyone out there would like to continue this on, feel free, just make sure you email your first manuscript so I am sure not to miss it!! This all just came from the thought of how beautiful a child of Xena, Gabrielle and Callisto would be. I hope you like! EMAIL ME at Aeslehcnametab@hotmail.com

"Freud was a man- figure it out." (Do you get it?)

And as an added bonus!!!! A Cheaza fanfic index, in a copy of the much asked about "The Tyger" by William Blake, where I get all (well, 99% of) my titles. Some of these stories are not complete, but if you think that you'd like to see one of them, e-me and tell me to get the lead out and I'll get cracking! (Btw the bracketed words afterwards are my file names, I'm one f*ck-ed up motha, ain't I!)

William Blake's "The Tyger"

Tyger Tyger burning brite,- x files ones

In the forests of the night, -x files (baby)

What immortal hand or eye

Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies

Burnt the fire of thine eyes?- LL/HL/RO'C one (plate chakram)

On wings dare he aspire? - post chin chin (door necklace) uncomplete

What hand dare seize the fire? - post Remember nothing (nutbread)

And what shoulder, & what art,

Could twist the sinews of thy heart?-Armageddon now (shedevil) uncomplete

And when thy heart began to beat, -post necessary evil(blondie)

What dread hand? & and what feet?

What the hammer? What the chain?- necessary evil(necess-evil)

In what furnace was thy brain?- Oddball one (Queen'sGreatestHits)

What the anvil? What dread grasp- blood of the moon(darkmanII)

Dare its deadly terrors grasp?

When the stars threw down there spears,- first time one(trojanelephant)

And water'd heaven with their tears, - post-Doctor in the house(2gether again)

Did he smile his work to see?

Did he who made the Lamb make thee? - post maternal instincts(black coach)

Tyger Tyger burning brite,

In the forests of the night,

What immortal hand or eye

Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?- the Deliver -Satan one(Nenear)

and "Full of Grace"- a Sarah McLachlan song based one, and this one, "When I Grow Up I Wanna be a Warlord. . ." I know it's not part of the poem, but I thought up the line while watching "Comedy of Eros" and I had to use it!

Okay love you bye bye! *BIG KISS*