I don't remember when I realized I was gay but I definitely remember when I realized I was glad to be a girl. It was the summer after my eleventh birthday. School had been out for three weeks and we were doing the kinds of things we usually did during the summer.

"B. J., you go wide right and try to get free. I'll pretend to throw left and then throw to you if you're free. Okay? Everyone got it?" We all nodded and yelled. Bobby leaned behind the center and waited for both teams to be ready.

My younger brother Bobby usually ended up being the quarterback during our summer games. He was tall for his age and could see over the other players. I could throw better than him but I was also a faster runner. And I loved to run. So he preferred throwing to me and letting the others try to catch me. Besides I got to play quarterback on our local Pop Warner football team. That was much more fun because we had a full team. In the summer, we rarely had more than twelve guys playing at any one time.

Bobby barked out the numbers. I looked at the kid huddled across the line from me and smiled, "Don't get in my way, Tommy." He grinned and replied, "Don't get in my way Billie Jean." I hated my name and would have slugged him but I heard Bobby's voice. I feinted to the inside and watched Tommy grab at air as I just as quickly turned outside and began running. Looking over my shoulder I saw the ball coming. I slowed enough to make sure I didn't miss it. There it was in my hands and I knew I was clear. When I turned to begin my run downfield I suddenly saw two girls appear out of nowhere. There was no way I could avoid them.

"Hey, are you alright?" It was Bobby's voice. My head hurt and I was flat on the ground with my legs tangled with someone else's. I still had the football in my hand but it was buried under my body. I heard moans and complaints and felt the bodies above me begin to move. "B.J., can you hear me?" Bobby was panicking.

"Yeah, just get me up."

"Wow, that was some crash." Mark's voice bounced around in my already pained head. He preferred playing line because he got to plow into others. I think that was one reason Bobby preferred throwing the ball to keeping it. To Mark, I had joined the revered.

"Just get me up," I grumbled.

When I finally stood up I noticed that one of the girls was still sitting on the ground and had blood pouring from her nose. She looked up and I saw red rimmed green eyes. "What you staring at?" she got out between sobs. "Can't ya watch where you're going?"

Stupid girls, I thought. "We're playing football! Why weren't you watching?" I started to say more but then I noticed the tears. Why did girls always have to cry? I turned and walked away with my friends. That would be the end of football for the day. "I woulda made a touchdown if they hadn't gotten in my way."

"Yeah," Bobby added. "Dumb girls."

Bobby and I replayed the game and imagined what would have happened if I had scored the touchdown. We were already ahead, but we weren't happy until we ran up the score. It didn't happen today.

"Billie Jean! What happened to your face?" At times I wish my mom wasn't so observant.

"I fell down," I said as I tried to sail through the kitchen.

"Come back here, young lady." I stopped. I hated when she reminded me I was a girl. "Let me look at that shiner. What on earth did you do?"

"We were just playing football, mom. These stupid girls walked right into me."

"B.J. was going to score a touchdown and they just walked right into her," Bobby jumped to my defense. "It wasn't her fault."

My mom shook her head and gently touched around my eye. "Ouch!" I cried and tried to pull away. Mom rubbed Bobby's head as she walked to the freezer and got some ice out.

"Well, if you're going to play with the boys then you better be prepared for a few bruises. At least you don't need stitches this time." She put the ice in a towel and on the swelling threatening to close my eye. "Oh, Billie Jean," her voice softened as she gently held the cold cloth. "You're my only daughter. I just wish you'd be a frilly girl so I can buy you pretty dresses and fix your hair and?." She stopped, recognizing the stubborn stance and glaring expression I usually took every time we had this talk. I hated being a girl and tolerated only my mom calling me Billie Jean. Everyone else called me B. J., even my dad. "Go on upstairs and get cleaned up." Mom's voice usually got sad when she started about buying me dresses. I just didn't see what was so important about wearing a stupid dress.

The next morning my head was much better but I didn't feel much like playing football. My brothers Duane, Bobby, and Ray and I decided to ride our bikes and kind of hang out together. As we rode by the school, my older brother Duane suddenly stopped.

"Whatsa matter? Whatcha stoppin' for?" Ray was always asking questions. He may be the youngest but he sure was the nosiest.

"Be quiet, Ray," Duane hissed. "There's the girl from my class. Isn't she cute?"

"Who?" I whispered back. I wasn't sure why we were talking so soft. The girls were too far away to hear us. Duane always lowered his voice when he was talking about girls. There must be some special reason. I guess that was something you learned in sixth grade.

"There. The one with blonde hair."

We all stared. I realized we were looking at the two girls who had ruined my touchdown run. "Her? She's stupid," I declared and got back on my bike.

"You're the one who's stupid," Duane shouted as he rode up next to me. "She's the cutest girl in my class."

"Yeah, and that's why she's hanging around with some girl and not you, dweeb."

"I'm telling mom you were cussing," Ray threatened.

"I'm not cussing, puke face," I said and took off on my bike, my brothers in hot pursuit.

On July 4th, my family always packed up baskets of food and we headed to the lake with most of the people who lived in our town. While the police kept everyone on one side of the lake, the city set up fireworks on the other side. We usually got there early and staked out a couple of picnic tables so that there would be plenty of room when my parents' friends would show up. Most of my folks' friends had kids that were in high school so my brothers and I still played with each other unless we could round up some of our own gang.

"There she is again," Duane squeaked. We didn't have to look to know who he was talking about. Any time he saw her he let us know she was around. I was getting bored. He even refused to play football with us one day when she was walking by. "She's coming this way. What do I do?" His voice was awful and sounded like chalk scratching on a blackboard. I definitely was not going to hang around.

"Hi," the girl said. A hand touched my shoulder as I tried to turn away. "Look. I'm sorry if we ruined your game. I wanted to apologize sooner but?."

I turned and saw the green eyes. "That's okay. I'm kinda sorry too. I didn't mean to make your nose bleed."

I had never seen anyone turn red before. She looked down at the ground and suddenly seemed unable to talk.

"Hi, Dori."

"Hello, Duane."

"Do you know my sister?" my emboldened brother asked.

"Sorta. We ran into each other." When I looked up she was smiling at me.

I laughed. She was funny. "I'll say. She's the one who gave me the black eye. Remember the day you had to go to summer school and I?." My brother jabbed me in the ribs. "Quit it. Why'd you do that?"

"Dori," Duane began, "ignore my little sister. She's only in fifth grade."

"I'll be in sixth grade in August," I defended.

"Yes, but we will be in junior high," Duane taunted.

"Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm sorry," the green eyes stared me and I could feel my stomach churning. I wondered if I had eaten too many hot dogs. Turning to my older brother, she said, "See you, Duane."

My brother and I watched as she walked away. "Duane has a girlfriend. Duane has a girlfriend." Ray danced around us singing.

Duane tried to push him down. "Shut up, midget, or I'll drown you," Duane threatened and began to chase our youngest brother. Ray was fast but he was only five. Duane easily caught him. Before he could do any damage to Ray my dad grabbed them both and sat them on opposite sides of the picnic table. Ray stuck his tongue out at Duane once my dad turned away to cook some more hot dogs. Duane's glare would have turned Ray into a toad if he could.

As soon as I sat down at the table, Duane immediately began asking questions, "You didn't tell me Dori was the girl you knocked down. Did she say anything about me? Did she know you were my sister?"

I grabbed a hot dog and began to put lots of mustard and relish on it. By the time I reached for the potato chips my brother was practically crawling across the table to get to me. "Chill, Duaney. She didn't even know who I was and didn't stay around long enough to ask. She was too busy bleeding and crying."

"Bleeding? B.J.! She'll never speak to me."

I tried to talk around the hot dog, "She just did, turd head."

"Mom, B.J.'s cussing."

"Shut up, Ray," my brother and I shouted.

My brothers and I managed to round up enough of our gang to get in a game of football before the fireworks. Bobby was the quarterback again for my team. I was heading for another touchdown when I again noticed two girls walking across our field. Not again, I thought. "Look out," I shouted as I tried to avoid the collision.

"Dori, are you okay?" It was Duane's voice.

"B.J., are you okay?" Bobby was still my pal.

"I think so," I answered as I quickly did a check of all my body parts. "Just get everyone off me."

By the time I stood up, Duane was apologizing. I was furious.

"No, it was our fault. Your sister tried to warn us and we just weren't watching where we were walking. Is she okay?" I grinned at my brother and wanted to stick out my tongue but Dori turned around. "I'm sorry again. I don't really know you and I've run you down twice. My name's Dori Hutchins."

"I'm B. J. Guess you know my brother Duane."

"This is my cousin, Susan," Dori added as she introduced the quiet girl with her. "We're sorry."

Dori and Susan walked with us to our picnic tables. Duane kept talking and apologizing. The two girls sat quietly and kept looking at each other. About fifteen minutes later an older version of Dori walked over. There was no mistaken Dori's mother. "There you two are. We were looking for you."

"Mrs. Hutchins, how are you?" My mom recognized the visitor. My mom is a high school teacher and knows just about everybody. That means it's hard for any of us to get away with anything. That hasn't stopped us from trying occasionally.

"Dan, Mrs. Hutchins is new at the high school this year." My dad came up and introduced himself. While the big people talked we ate more hot dogs.

Over the next couple of weeks, Dori and her cousin seemed to be everywhere. Most of the time we just waved and said hi. Sometimes we would talk for a few minutes. A couple of times, when my brothers weren't with me, we actually talked. She seemed nice.

The first of August Susan went back to North Carolina where her family lived. She had been visiting for the summer but had to go back and get ready for school. I was riding my bicycle around the school and saw Dori sitting on one of the swings. She seemed sad. I stopped and sat on a swing next to her. "Hi."

Dori looked up and I noticed she had been crying. "Guess you kinda miss Susan?"

"Yeah, I do. We've lived near each other since we were in kindergarten. It's been hard making friends this year and she's my best friend."

"I'm sorry. Say, you wanna come to my house and we can watch some TV in my room." The smile on her face was amazing. Duane was right. She's cute.

"Hey, mom. Dori came home with me. We're going upstairs."

My mom walked in with the laundry, "Hi, Billie Jean. Hi, Dori. I'm glad you came by. The boys are with Dad and should be home for dinner. Why don't you two go talk or play." I could tell my mom was happy I was doing something with another girl, but did she have to say 'play?' I rolled my eyes and we went up to my bedroom. Adults can be difficult. Often I wonder if they were ever children or just sprouted full grown.

We had a great time and I could talk to her about everything. Well, except football. By the time Dori had to go home, I realized I really liked her.

"Dori," Duane screeched as he walked in the door.

"Hi, Duane," Dori answered as she turned and waved at me. "See you later, Billie Jean."

As we closed the door, Duane pushed me down the hallway away from the rest of the family. "What was Dori doing here?"

"Buzz off," I tried to walk away.

"No way, Jose. Was she looking for me? What did she say?"

"Give me a break! I ran into her at the school yard and she came home with me." Before he could ask another question I ran into the kitchen to see what food my mom had.

The next day I rode around the school several times hoping to see Dori. Around lunch time I gave up and joined Duane and Bobby playing football with a bunch of friends. For the first time I wasn't interested in playing football but I didn't have anything else to do. We had been playing for about an hour when I felt we were being watched. Sitting well away from our playing field was a certain blonde girl.

"Let me be the quarterback, Bobby." Duane had also seen Dori.

"No. It's my ball and this is the only time I get to be quarterback."

"You are always quarterback, twerp. Come on, just a couple of plays."

"No!"

"Bobby, give him the ball," I said. "We're so far ahead they can't beat us anyway."

"Why? It's my ball."

"Come on, Bobby," Duane was practically pleading.

"Here," Bobby pushed the ball at our older brother. Bobby hated to lose and, by the look on his face, he was daring Duane to make a mistake.

Duane lined us up and kept the ball. Unfortunately, he is not as good a player as me or Bobby. He was not only tackled before he gained any yards but fumbled the ball. Bobby may only be eight but he is tall and wiry. As soon as Duane stood up, Bobby pushed him back down and started yelling. Duane was up and the two of them got into one of their famous fights. We managed to pull them apart, but by then Dori was gone.

I was sad but I didn't know why.

School was starting in about ten days and I knew I wouldn't get to see much of Dori. She and Duane would be going to junior high and everyone knew junior high kids didn't hang around the "little" kids at elementary school. I started getting up early and riding my back around the school, around the neighborhood and finally near Dori's house. The third day my efforts were rewarded. Dori was sitting on her porch when I rode by. She waved and I rode my bike up to the porch.

"Hi," Dori smiled as she greeted me.

"Hi, yourself," I answered back.

"Wanna coke?"

"Sure." Dori went into the house and I felt like an idiot. Well, now what? What do I talk about? When Dori returned I still wasn't sure what to say. I just said, "Thanks." I guess I won't be a lawyer. I sat down and stared at the street. Dori sat next to me as we drank our cokes.

After about ten minutes I realized I needed to say something. "Say, you wanna spend the night Friday? We could get some movies and watch them in my room. My brothers won't bother us and I don't have to share a room."

Dori's eyes lit up and she nodded. We ran inside and checked with her mother. Once Mrs. Hutchins said it was okay we planned all the things we wanted to do. I can't remember if I rode my bike home or floated.

Mom and I rode over to the Hutchins' house on Friday to pick up Dori. Dori was invited to come over early enough to have dinner with us. Duane had been running around all day trying to decide what to wear and insisting that we all clean our rooms. He even took a bath twice in the same day. Of course, Dori was staying in my room so I had already cleaned up my room several times in the two days since we had planned the sleepover.

Dori was sitting on the steps waiting for us. "Hi, Billie Jean."

My mom looked at me and then at Dori and smiled. "Hello, Dori. We need to let your mom know we're here. Why don't you and Billie Jean get in the car and I'll let your mom know we're leaving.

We both climbed into the back seat and immediately began chatting. Mom drove back to the house, humming the whole way. I briefly wondered what was wrong with her but forgot about it as Dori and I talked. When we got home, Duane was awful.

"Hi, Dori. Glad you came over."

"Hello, Duane." I realized that Dori tended to get quiet when Duane was around. I suddenly feared that maybe she liked him better than me. Aren't girls supposed to like boys? I like boys but not that way.

"We can go sit out on the porch for awhile, if you want," I offered.

"Yeah," Duane added.

"Duane," my mother interfered, "let the girls go outside. You come help me."

"But, mom," he protested.

"Leave the girls alone. Dori is Billie Jean's guest."

Yeah, she's my guest. I grinned and we walked outside.

After dinner mom sent us up to my room and wished us both a good evening. I knew that she was thrilled that I was hanging around with a girl instead of all the boys. I was just thrilled that I was going to have Dori the rest of the evening.

"Do you mind if I take a shower? I'll be right back." Dori nodded okay and I was off. Ten minutes later, I was clean and in my summer pajamas.

"I'll take a shower if you can get me towel," Dori offered when I walked back in the room. In another half an hour, we were both lying on the bed and watching one of my many videos. "I love this movie. It's so funny when he begins to believe his dog can talk. He keeps looking for someone else."

"I know. And everyone thinks he is making it up."

We watched two more movies and laughed. We also talked. It was easy?and comfortable. I enjoyed being able to lie on the bed with Dori and know we wouldn't be interrupted. Sometime in the evening I heard Ray knock at the door. "Go away," I yelled.

"I wanna come in too."

"No. This is a girl's room and you're not welcome."

"Why not?"

"You're a boy."

"I'll tell momma. Momma, B.J. has a girlfriend."

"Leave me and my friend alone, bird breath."

"Mom, B.J. is cussing and B.J. has a girlfriend in her room and they won't let me in."

I could hear his whining until he was almost to the bottom of the stairs. My mom's voice said something to him but that I couldn't hear. I was just glad he was out of my way.

I turned and looked at Dori, "Sorry, younger brother's can be a pain."

"I only have one sister and she is quite a bit older. He's funny. Does he always go running and telling on you?"

"Always. And he has such big ears."

"You have cute ears."

It was my turn to blush. No one had ever embarrassed me before. I didn't mind that it was Dori. She smiled that wonderful smile and the whole world seemed perfect. We went back to watching movies. While we were watching the third movie, I realized that we couldn't be doing this if I weren't a girl. I'm glad I am a girl.

When the last movie was over, Dori stretched and said she was tired. I turned off the TV and then the light near the bed. We pulled the covers up and talked in a whisper for awhile. There was something special in those moments. I felt really close to Dori. When Dori got silent I said, "Good night, Dori. I'm glad you came over tonight."

"Me too," Dori said. Then she leaned forward and kissed my cheek.

Oh, yeah. I'm glad I'm a girl.