Warnings: This story is a parody. This story also alludes to a relationship between two women. There is an utterly gross scene at the end. I won't say what it is because that will give it away, but consider yourself warned.
Claire's Boring Bits: Thanks to Laura for helping with the bard block and for writing the funny bits in this story. Thanks to those brave people who dared to beta read this.
Laura's Boring BitsWarnings: What do you mean boring? I'll just ignore that and say…Claire; will you have my love child? Oh, and if you people are still reading this, anything vile and/or disgusting you might read…I tried to stop her, really I did.
Historian's Note: This story takes place in an alternate Xenaverse.
Note: This is a sequel to "Part 1: It's A Dirty Job, But Someone's Got To Do It." In which Gabrielle has been hired to write the imaginary adventures of Xena.
Xena stood in the entrance to the tavern, ice blue eyes scanning the patrons for the most important person in her life. She found her; the blonde bard smiled and waved at the warrior. A smile crept across the features of the normally stoical war-
"Stoykal? What's stoykal?" asked Xena, dropping the parchment to look at Gabrielle. "And what's this business about 'most important person in her life'?"
"It's pronounced, stow-ick-al," said the bard, a flush started creeping up her cheeks. "And I thought it would be nice to have a certain something special between us."
"Between us?"
"In the stories, I mean."
"I'm not sure how Cally will take that?"
"It's only in the story," protested Gabrielle.
"Still," said Xena, she gave the bard a look which made it clear that she thought the idea was ridiculous.
"You can't have the hero being in love with her arch rival," Gabrielle persisted.
"Why not?" countered Xena.
"You just can't!" insisted the bard.
"It'd make a great story. Imagine the tension. The hero would always think twice about fighting her in case she got hurt," Xena's eyes glazed over as she stared into the distance. "Yeah. I think that would work."
"What about the tender moments? At the end of the day, after defeating the forces of evil, the warrior would want to relax. And who better to relax with than her trusty sidekick and lover."
"A threesome!" the warrior came out of her reverie and stared in shock at the blonde.
"No, her sidekick and lover are one and the same."
"Nah, that'd never work," said Xena dismissively. "And what does this stoykal mean?"
"Stow-ick-al. It means sort of proud, hard, unfeeling…."
"Unfeeling?"
"Sorry, one who doesn't show their feelings in public."
"No, no. You'll have to write it again."
Dejected, Gabrielle picked up the scroll and put it in her bag.
"Time to move on; we've got to meet Callisto. You can write it later."
The two set about breaking camp. Unseen by the warrior, Gabrielle nervously stuffed some bread into her mouth. Xena jumped onto the back of her horse and nudged it into a walk. Gabrielle walked behind.
"Why can't I ride?" she whined.
"Gabrielle doesn't like horses, remember."
"In the stories, yes, but I don't mind them. I have no problem riding."
"Call it research."
"I call it a pain in the butt," muttered Gabrielle
"What was that?"
"Nothing."
The bard stood on the headland and looked at the two women standing with her.
"How about here?" asked Xena.
Callisto removed the hair that was blowing in her face as she surveyed the beach. "Yeah. Perfect."
"Make it so," Xena said to Gabrielle.
"And make sure I get the one with the spikes on the wheels," Callisto reminded her.
Gabrielle pulled out her scroll and started writing.
The evil Callisto ran onto the beach and leapt into the chariot and yanked the reins, Xena, a little way behind leapt into the other chariot and set off in pursuit.
"The spikes! The spikes! Don't forget the spikes!" cried Callisto.
Gabrielle sighed.
The evil Callisto ran onto the beach and leapt into the chariot with spikes on the wheels and yanked the reins, Xena, a little way behind, leapt into the other chariot and set off in pursuit.
"That's better," Callisto giggled hysterically. "You're going to get your ass whipped," she teased Xena.
The spikes on Callisto's chariot ripped the spokes from Xena's wheels and sent the dark-haired warrior's chariot out of control.
Callisto clapped her hands and jumped up and down with glee as she read over Gabrielle's shoulder. Her smile soon plummeted off her face as Gabrielle continued writing the scene.
"Wait a minute," she said. "No. No. You can't write that! Xena! She's killing me. Make her stop," she pleaded tearfully to the would-be warrior.
Xena strode over, snatched the scroll from the trembling bard, and read the scene. She cast a dark look at Gabrielle who had her head dipped. "Look at me! Look at me!" she demanded.
The bard raised her eyes hesitantly to look at her.
"How can you look at me after writing this?" asked Xena. "Re-write it," she tossed the scroll back at Gabrielle. "You're not indispensable you know." Xena took Callisto in her arms to comfort her and led her away.
"She's not really dead," said Gabrielle.
"What?"
"I mean, she's dead, but she's not gone. I thought I could bring her back as an immortal or... or a god," said Gabrielle thinking on her feet.
"A god?" queried Callisto hopefully, wiping away a tear. A small smile curled her lips. "I like that. Can I be a god, Xe? Huh, please?"
"After all," said Gabrielle. "It'd take a god to challenge the might of Xena: Warrior Princess."
"Yeah," said Xena, nodding. "Yeah, you're right."
Gabrielle let out her breath in relief.
"Oh, one more thing. I'm having second thoughts about that Warrior Princess title. Do you think I should be a queen?"
The scene was idyllic: a babbling brook with sun dappled, tree lined banks; butterflies and bees, fluttering and buzzing among the flowers; birds singing sweet melodies; a warrior calling for her bard.
"Gabrielle! Where are you now?"
Totally exasperated, and none too happy, the warrior yelled into the surrounding wood.
The birds fell silent and small animals cowered in their burrows at the intimidating and almost unnatural bellowing abilities of the 'princess'.
"You best get your bardly butt out here and give me what I want!"
A slight rustling in the undergrowth could be heard accompanied by a bit of moaning and maybe an unseemly word or two. Xena, foot tapping, arms crossed, waited impatiently as a small woman carrying a scroll stumbled forth in a state of disarray, leaves and small branches hanging from her.
"Well it's about time. What could you possibly be doing in there for so long? Didn't you hear me calling you? Nevermind. Give me that," she snatched the scroll from the bard's grasp, barely taking note of the woman's condition.
Xena had been waiting for this scroll for some time. She held it up and looked upon it expectantly; a befuddled expression appeared on her face. Turning the scroll over, she sought the words that eluded her. Unrolling the parchment further, she still could not locate the inked words.
"Um, Gabrielle, is this the scroll you've been working on for the past two weeks?"
Not making eye contact, the nervous woman barely acknowledged her with a nod.
Xena straightened up to her full height, struck a fearsome, intimidating warrior stance and began to speak in a low tone, "It would seem that you-"
"Hold that thought," interrupted the bard, and without hesitation she darted back into the wood.
The groaning and a moaning that ensued kind of reminded the warrior of the time somebody she knew somewhere who once was possessed by something or other. It was truly an unpleasant experience, yet she doubted this was the cause for the current wailing and gnashing of teeth she now heard.
"Gabrielle? You okay in there?" Xena ventured with something approaching concern. That's approaching concern from the wrong side in a large chariot with 'stern annoyance' painted on the side, in case you were wondering.
"Maybe she's being attacked?" the tall, dark woman wondered aloud. She blinked in surprise at the voiced concern. "I could... I mean... I'm supposed to be a warrior."
She reached for her chakram, then dropped it.
"Damn, that's sharp," she muttered and drew her sword instead. "Er, Gabrielle! I'm coming to help you," she called out, hoping she had conveyed the menace convincingly.
She took a deep breath and was about to venture forth bravely into the undergrowth, when Gabrielle reappeared looking only slightly better than death warmed over. It was then that the acutely observant warrior noted the mess Gabrielle had become and the thought crossed her mind to ask a question.
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
"I've got a bit of a problem," replied the bard irritably.
"No shit."
"Yeah, that's it exactly!"
"Huh…what's it?"
"I'm constipated and its all your fault!" wailed the formerly cute bard, and crumpled onto the ground sobbing.
"My fault you're constipated? How'd ya figure that?"
"Oh Xena…" the convulsive sniffling got in the way of the rest of her words.
Not knowing what else to do, Xena handed Gabrielle a scroll and told her to put it to good use and blow. Gabrielle did as she was told and with the reduction of pressure in her head some of her faculties returned to where she could once again speak and actually make sense.
"Okay," said Xena, patiently. "Try telling me again without the histrionics as to how your bowel problems are my fault."
"Well, you see, I kept writing and each time I showed you something... well... you can be pretty demanding you know?"
"Hey babe, you don't get as far as I have without some skills in that department."
"Uh, yeah, I guess so... but I thought my being the best scribe and bard from my home town."
"You mean Podunk?"
"Poteidaia," corrected the bard with a scowl.
"Whatever."
Gabrielle took a moment to stifle the reply she wanted to give, then continued. "Anyway, I thought I would do a good job with your stories, but each time you..." the sniffling began again, "let's just say it made me nervous and I began to have bard's block."
"Uh-huh. And?"
"When I get nervous I kind of eat more, and my mother always made this most delicious nutbread-"
"Nutbread?"
"Yes, nutbread. And that last village we were in had the same kind of nutbread my mother made. I just love the stuff and it always makes me feel so good... so I ate some."
"So exactly how much is 'some'?"
"The more you demanded, the more nervous I got and couldn't write, and then the more I ate until I finished off... three loaves!"
"Don't you know that nuts can cause constipation and three loaves... it's a wonder you aren't dead by now!"
"I didn't, but I do now, and I don't know what to do, do you?" she asked hopefully around a final sniff.
"Let me think a minute, I always get this confused. We either need to go to the healer Immodius or to his mother Magnesia. One of them has the herbs to cure what ails you but which is which?"
"Which healer?"
"No, no witchcraft! We're sticking to good, old fashioned proven medicines and if all else fails, there are always the leeches."
"You know, I think I'm feeling much better already thank you very much," the bedraggled bard tried to slink away.
"Oh no you don't... let's go," Xena dragged the protesting Gabrielle away.
"Well don't look at me!" Xena said to the paling bard who now had a green hue to her pallor. Xena then looked beseechingly over at Callisto.
"You hired her," Callisto said in reply to the warrior's look.
Then in unison, they both looked at the pasty and dejected bard.
"What?" said Gabrielle, noticing them staring at her. "I can't do it," she informed them. "It's impossible."
All three looked at Immodius. He smiled, shrugged. "I just dispense it, I don't administer it."
Nervously, Xena coughed. "Are you sure… there has got to be another way?"
"Positive. It's the only way."
"How about-"
"Nope," Immodius said emphatically. "It's the only way. Tried and tested."
Gabrielle started whimpering.
"We could pay you," continued the warrior.
Callisto leapt to her feet. "And I'll pay you if I can watch," she giggled and grinned evilly at the bard.
Gabrielle groaned and thumped her head against the table.
"If you want to watch, you can do it," said Xena.
"From a distance! I don't want to have that close a view. Not of that," she twisted her mouth in disgust.
"Is there any other option? What if we let nature take its course?"
"Then your friend will have continued discomfort, and it could lead to some other illness if it isn't treated soon," said Immodius.
Xena looked at the pathetic bard. It was heart rending to see the poor young woman in distress. Knowing that she could relieve the discomfort there was only one thing for it. The warrior took a deep breath and spoke.
"Is there a hospice anywhere nearby where they could administer it?"
Immodius shook his head.
"Bugger," muttered the warrior.
Immodius chuckled. "I guess it is a form of bug-"
He shut up on seeing the look Xena directed at him.
"That's it," the warrior picked up the suppository that was on the table. "Everyone out. I don't want an audience for this," she said solemnly.
There was mute shuffling as they started to leave.
"Not you, Gabrielle. You need to stay here."
Gabrielle whimpered and sat back down.
Xena picked up a foot long hollow tube and pushed the enema in one end. "I'm not going to enjoy this," she declared.
"And you think I am?" asked the bard, incredulously.
"Bend over," Xena ordered, ignoring the question. Gabrielle obeyed.
Okay, we have tube with a suppository in it and a warrior with a large lung capacity; do we have to draw you a diagram explaining the method of administration?
We do? Oh, you are so sick! Here goes...
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(A more graphic ending was written for this, but the general consensus among the beta readers was, "Eurgh!!" So we'll just leave you with the last line.)
The funny thing about nature is that it will take its course when you least expect it.
THE END (to be continued... if you'll forgive us)