Author's Note: So far I have written this story in episodes and only posted them on my own site, but since I occasionally have had problems with it, I decided to post this story other places as well. However, here Iīll wait until I have material enough for 5 episodes before posting, so if you think itīs too long between updates, check out my own site where Iīm posting an episode as soon as itīs been written. Which doesnīt mean it canīt take some time now and then, I might add. <s> Before I forget, thereīll be both sex and hurt feelings in this one.

Comments are welcome at: dayze11@hotmail.com

Copyright (c) 1999 by Day

Part 6

Episode 26

Two days before my twenty-eighth birthday, I had the unusual and powerful experience of seeing Terri jealous for the first time.

It was all perfectly innocent. One of my co-workers, a very pretty but down-to-earth woman named Paula, and I were staying late to prepare her for her first appearance in court which would take place the next day. I never went to court myself, but Paula valued my opinion and had asked me to listen to her opening.

It was getting late and most people had left the office hours ago. We had been rehearsing and re-phrasing her speech again and again, and I was beginning to feel my concentration slip. I was now finding it a lot more entertaining trying to make Paula lose it in the middle of the sentence - a payback for all the awful jokes she had sent me through our intranet system - and in the end it was enough for me to meet her eyes and she would crack up, throwing her papers at me in exasperation.

It was during one of those bursts of laughter that Terri suddenly appeared in the doorway of my office. I immediately stopped laughing, mainly because I was so surprised to see her. We hadnīt planned to do anything together tonight, let alone see each other, because Iīd had no idea when Paula and I would be done practising.

Standing with her back turned, Paula didnīt see her right away, but then she noticed I was looking at something behind her and turned around.

"Oh, hi…" She gave Terri a friendly, questioning smile. "Can we help you?"

"Terri!" I exclaimed before she could answer. "What are you doing here?"

Without looking at Paula, she asked evenly, "I thought you were working?"

"I am," I answered, sliding down from my desk where I had been sitting. "We have been going through Paulaīs opening in court tomorrow."

"Oh…" Only now did Terri take a moment to look at the woman in question. "You didnīt say anything about that, I thought you were just doing paperwork."

Pale blue eyes studied Paula from head to toe for a long moment, and I think she was starting to feel uncomfortable under the thorough study because she extended her hand and said pleasantly, "I donīt believe weīve met, Iīm Paula Martinez."

"Terri," Terri offered almost reluctantly. "Terri Cavanagh."

Silence fell and the three of us stood uncomfortably before each other. I had been caught off guard by Terriīs sudden appearance and was trying not to panic while frantically searching my brain for something to say. There was absolutely no reason for Paula to guess the true nature of our relationship. Hell, right now she didnīt even know how Terri even knew me. However, that changed when Paula, unnerved by the continuing silence, asked, "So… Youīre a friend of Sarahīs?"

Terri looked at her, appearing as if she was contemplating whether she should actually bother to answer, then said, "Yes." She paused, then added, almost as an afterthought and her voice displaying no emotion whatsoever as her eyes searched out mine, "We sleep together occasionally."

My heart stopped beating and I kept telling myself that this couldnīt be happening, while Paula stared at Terri, her face looking like one big question mark. Terriīs gaze never left my face, her expression oddly challenging like she was waiting for me to contradict her.

But before I could gather my wits enough to do anything at all, Paula suddenly laughed out loud, giving Terri a friendly slap on the shoulder, "Ah, thatīs not fair so late in the evening! You nearly had me going there for a minute. Okay, Sarah…" she walked over to collect her papers from my desk. "I guess thatīs my clue to go home for tonight. Thank you very much for helping me out with this. If you ever need a favour, donīt hesitate to ask."

She gave me a little parting wave, smiling fleetingly at Terri before she left and chuckling quietly to herself on the way to the lift. For a very long moment, Terri and I stared at each other before her eyes darted away. Without a word I went over to close the door, then turned around to face her. As calmly as possible, I crossed my arms in front of my chest and inquired tonelessly, "What the hell do you think you were just doing?"

Still looking away, Terri shrugged, "Nothing. She asked if we were friends, I said yes."

"You did a damn lot more than that." I was slowly becoming angry. "What in the world were you thinking saying something like that? Do you have any idea how difficult my life could get if anybody at work knew that-" I trailed off abruptly, not really sure how to formulate the sentence.

Terri slowly raised her head to look at me, her eyes cold, "That what? That youīre a fucking queer?"

The words felt like a slap in the face and I flinched involuntarily, then my eyes grew hard. "Donīt ever call me that again, do you hear me, Terri? I donīt know what the hell is wrong with you tonight, but I never want to hear that word again. Got that? Never!"

"Wrong with me?!" Terri stared at me in angry disbelief. "Iīm not the one lying, saying she has to work late when in truth sheīs doing something completely else."

"What?!" At that moment I had absolutely no idea what was going on in her head. "What are you talking about?"

"I heard you," she pointed at finger accusingly at me, her eyes blazing. "You and Paula. I heard you laughing and fooling around. I saw you! What do you think I am? A total idiot? I can put two and two together."

"Terri…" I held up a hand, subconsciously trying to take some kind of timeout and to get my own simmering anger under control. "Paula and I are just friends. We were just working. Whatever you thought you heard or saw is wrong."

Terriīs jaw clenched, then she smiled derisively, stating flatly, "Youīre lying."

"What?"

"Youīre lying," she repeated impassively, almost like I hadnīt spoken. "Iīve seen this before, you know. Iīm not stupid. People say they have to be somewhere, do something, when in fact theyīre with someone else, screwing their brains out."

Something about the way she said it caused me to pause for a moment, my eyes searching her now immobile and veiled face. With a thought gradually forming in my mind, I went with my instincts and said softly, "I would never do that to you."

Terri snorted in contempt, "Everybody says that until theyīre actually caught doing it."

"True, but I happen to be telling you the truth. I would never do anything like that to you, Terri. I love you. Even…" I hesitated, speaking the next words with utmost care. "Even if I should meet someone else, which isnīt going to happen mind you, but if it did, do you honestly think I would just lie to you and start an affair? That I wouldnīt have the guts to tell you I was falling in love with someone else?"

Shoulders slumping ever so slightly, Terri shrugged again, averting her eyes as she spoke almost inaudibly, "Stuff like thatīs been known to happen. Sometimes people keep their mouths shut in order not to hurt the other person involved."

"I donīt care what other people do." I stepped over to her, placing a hand under her chin and forcing her to look up. "Thatīs not what Iīm asking. Iīm asking whether you think I would sleep around and not tell you about it? Tell me, Terri…" my voice softened of its own volition as I saw the quiet despair in her eyes. "Do you really think I would do that to you?"

She didnīt answer, but just looked at me, and I decided to try another approach. "Okay, Terri, then answer me this, would you do that to me?" My heart beat a little faster asking that question. "Would you go ahead and cheat on me without admitting to something being wrong with our relationship first?"

She swallowed, then whispered hoarsely, "No, I wouldnīt… I donīt play games. Iīve told you that before."

I nodded, meeting her eyes without wavering, "Then why do you expect anything less from me?"

Terri was silent for a long time, clearly struggling with herself, then she smiled weakly, trying to appear nonchalant and not even coming close to fooling me, "If you donīt expect too much, youīre less likely to get disappointed."

Deciding to take the bull by the horns and get to the root of the problem, I said seriously, watching Terriīs face closely for her reaction, "Iīm not Nicola, Terri. I want you to expect as much of me as you expect of yourself. Nothing more, nothing less."

To her credit, only a slight widening of her eyes indicated how surprised Terri was to hear me speak those words. I wasnīt sure whether it was because I had mentioned Nicola so openly, or because she hadnīt known I was aware of the fact they had been more than friends. However, I never got my answer to that question because all Terri did was to say, "I loved her, Sarah."

"I know," I spoke gently, ignoring the knife slowly twisting in my heart.

"She lied to me." Terriīs voice was so full of pain that it took me a moment before I had collected myself enough to be able to answer. "Yes."

"She said she loved me and then she slept with someone else."

This time I could only nod, simply not trusting my voice to speak.

Looking into my eyes, Terri placed a hand on my cheek as she spoke quietly, "If you ever fall in love with someone else, Sarah, then I want you to tell me. I donīt want to go through all that again." She exhaled slowly, then continued, "I believe you when you say you would never cheat on me, but-" she placed a finger on my lips to prevent me from speaking, "but should it happen then… then itīs over. I love you, but I canīt… I canīt forgive something like that… I wonīt…"

"Youīll never have to." I looked at her, inwardly vowing that no matter what happened, no matter what the future had in store, Terri would never be forced to deal with any infidelity from my side. "I promise."

Spoken out loud, my reassurance sounded terribly inadequate, but maybe it was all Terri needed to hear; or maybe she was just too drained to discuss anything further, in any case, she smiled palely, pulled me into her arms and whispered softly into my ear, "Then thatīs enough for me."

And in that moment, it was enough for me, too.

That night Terri showed me she loved me.

She never let go of my hand from the moment we stepped out of the car till we reached my apartment, and if I hadnīt needed both hands to find my key she probably wouldnīt have let go there either. Inside she took my hand again and without a word led me into the bedroom.

She took her time undressing me, pausing to linger over each new piece of exposed skin, and although her touch was reverent, almost worshipping, her eyes devoured me with a silent fire I hadnīt witnessed before. Occasionally our gazes would meet and she smiled at me, causing a shiver to run down my back and bringing a flush to my cheeks.

Fully clothed herself, she leaned over me on the bed, stroking my face with her fingers, gently tracing my lips. As I took her finger into my mouth, she smiled again, letting out a small sigh of contentment. She didnīt let me play for long, though, slowly withdrawing her finger again before I could get too carried away.

I whispered to her I wanted to feel her naked against me, but she shook her head, her eyes already trailing over my skin. "Not yet," she murmured as she bent her head to kiss my shoulder. "Not yet."

She spent almost an hour kissing every inch of my body, gently but firmly resisting all my attempts to touch her or to get her to move faster. In the novels my mother indulged herself in from time to time, I had often read the expression `her body was played like a finely tuned instrumentī and suddenly I knew exactly how it felt. And I couldnīt have wanted a better musician than the woman holding my heart, determined to bring me pleasure.

Placing one final kiss on my hip, she rose from the bed, leaving me breathless and nearly trembling with pent up desire. Looking into my eyes she began to remove her clothes, a small, secretive smile on her lips. When the last item of clothing lay discarded on the floor, she waited, patiently giving me the opportunity to look at her without any hurry.

The one thing that came to my mind as I studied her standing in front of me was strength. Strength in the subtle muscle tone visible on her arms and legs, strength in the manner she stood before me without moving, without embarrassment, and strength in the way her eyes never left my face, silently taking in the expressions they read there.

When finally I was able to tear my eyes away to meet her gaze, I was surprised to see a brief flicker of uncertainty, maybe even fear, and I quickly smiled at her, holding my hand out to beckon her closer.

"Come here before you steal my breath away for good."

My words made her blush, but she gave me a smile of her own, walking over to join me in the bed. The rest of the night we spent almost like one single being, unable to be separated. Terri alternated between pleading with me to let her have me, and demanding that I give myself to her without conditions. She would growl so low in her throat it made my stomach clench in anticipation, ordering me to wrap my legs around her, yet at the same time almost surrendering herself when my hands touched her back.

She whispered my name into my ear and against my lips, asking me to never leave her, and she pinned me down, saying I was hers and that she would never let me go. My skin was roughly marked by her mouth and teeth, a testament to all the world to whom I belonged to, and then she offered me her body for me to do the same. When she came she called out my name, and that one word nearly made me cry. It was the first time, in the four months we had been lovers, that she had ever done that.

Afterwards I held her in my arms, gently stroking her damp and tousled hair while she tried to catch her breath. Raising her head from my shoulder, she looked into my eyes and spoke quietly, "I want it to always be like this."

I had to swallow a few times before I could answer, "So do I."

She smiled at me like I had presented her with the greatest gift on earth, "Then nothing bad is going to happen, weīll be together forever."

"Is that what you want?" I managed to choke out, intently searching her face.

"Yes." She leaned down to kiss me, her tongue briefly brushing over my lips. "Thatīs what I want."

Then she put her head back down on my shoulder and closed her eyes, and for the second time within twenty-four hours I made a vow. This time promising myself, and her, that no matter what, no matter what happened, she and I would be together.

Always.

Episode 27

The Thursday after my twenty-eighth birthday became a day I will never forget and, as I think back now, I more or less pinpoint that day as the moment the world went insane and my life was turned upside down. I know now that everything that escalated from then on had been a long time coming, but to me that Thursday will always be the day I started to lose my innocence in regard to Terri.

Fittingly enough, the day had a less than promising beginning. I woke up to the sound of heavy rain hitting the windows and clouds so black nothing short of a nuclear bomb could have penetrated the darkness. Then I realized that, for one reason or another, my alarm clock hadnīt been set and I had subsequently overslept. I was half a mind to stay in bed and call in sick, but my conscience got the better of me. Regretfully, I dragged myself out of bed and stumbled out into the kitchen to make some very hot and very black coffee before hitting the shower.

As I stood under the showerhead, trying to persuade myself to adjust the water to be just a little colder in order to more efficiently wake me up, I began to think of the delayed birthday party my parents had planned later that night. It would only be a small crowd, or so they said, a few friends and family members, and although I normally disliked those functions, I found myself actually looking forward to this one. However, I was also wary because it would also be the first real test of Terriīs promise to be there for me.

I had come to understand from my father that by now most of my closest family knew about my "preferences," and that they had been told about Terriīs existence as well, and I was already fearing the looks and comments she and I might be subjected to once the alcohol began to loosen peopleīs tongues. I knew I could handle it, but from experience I wasnīt sure Terri could. I desperately didnīt want her to bail on me in the middle of the party, or worse, deck someone for saying one word too much.

Usually that wouldnīt have been a concern of mine because Terri wasnīt the belligerent or violent type, - except when playing soccer that is, - but the last week she had been in a terrible mood, tense and fidgeting, snapping at me for no reason. It had surprised me, and to be perfectly honest, hurt me too because of the night we had just shared, but then by piecing together the bits of information Terri grudgingly supplied me with, I realized she had had her last exam and that things hadnīt gone well.

Due to her attitude I hadnīt been in one of my most compassionate moods and had been irritated enough to tell her she had nobody but herself to blame. My remark made impact, but not the way I expected. Instead of becoming angry or defensive, she grew silent and looked away, and I could practically feel her distance herself from me mentally, if not emotionally. Then after a few moments of uneasy silence, she quietly told me that her mother had said the same thing when she had spoken to her earlier on the phone, and that she had continued to say that she was tired of her always being so difficult and irresponsible. That because of her selfishness all she did was cause trouble and hurt people.

The conversation had ended in a big row with Terri yanking the phone off the wall when her mother ordered her to grow up and start behaving like a respectable adult, and now Terri wasnīt sure if she and her mother were still talking. I could tell there had to be more to it than that because Terri had refused to look me in the eye during the entire retelling of the event, but when I attempted to find out she brushed it off and shortly after excused herself, saying she had to be somewhere.

When I walked her to the door, I noticed a strange expression in her eyes. It wasnīt the usual dreamy or faraway look I had seen so often. Instead I saw a quiet resignation and fatigue I didnīt understand and most certainly didnīt like. As she kissed me goodnight, she held me, whispering she would always love me no matter what anyone said. Before I could ask what she meant, she was gone.

That was the last I heard or saw of her for almost a week. However, a small bouquet of flowers had been delivered at my doorstep a couple of days before, accompanied by a little note saying they were from her, and I suspected that was Terriīs way of saying she was just cooling off and would be back soon. I had meant to call her to say thank you, but due to increased stress at work and maybe a little childish stubbornness hadnīt gotten around to it. Somehow, I felt she should be the first one to call, if only to find out it wasnīt going to kill her.

Several hours later my birthday party was well on its way, with Terri having yet to show up. Everybody was doing a fine job of pretending they werenīt aware that the one person they all had been looking forward to meeting wasnīt present, and that all my replies to their subtle questioning were vague and apologetic.

To say I was furious would be putting it mildly. Standing me up was one thing, but standing me up knowing all my family and friends would be there was an entirely different matter, and she would have to have one hell of a good excuse once she did appear.

Two hours later she still hadnīt arrived and, after having endured one curious and sympathetic look too many, I excused myself and retreated into my bedroom, heading directly for the phone.

To my annoyance the line appeared to be dead, but when I remembered the treatment Terri said she had given her phone when talking to her mother it began to make sense. Searching my purse, I finally fished out her cell phone number, which she had given me only a few weeks before. Apparently, she hated the thing and only used it now because her employer down at the bar occasionally called to get her to take an extra shift at nights. Otherwise she would keep it in a drawer, never bothering to take it anywhere.

After a couple of rings, the phone was picked up and a sullen voice answered, "Yes?"

Out of sheer surprise it took me a couple of seconds to gather my thoughts and say, "Alison?"

"Yeah. Who is this?"

"Itīs me, Sarah."

"Oh hi," I could hear Alison sigh deeply at the other end. "Look, Iīve already been through this with Nicola, I donīt know where Terri is. I havenīt seen her since she stayed at my place and thatīs several nights ago."

"At your place?" I frowned in incomprehension, not sure I was hearing her correctly. "Terri stayed with you?"

"Yeah well, she had to, didnīt she?" Alisonīs voice sounded exasperated now, like she was explaining something to a backward child. "She was kicked out of her apartment, remember? I couldnīt have her living on the street, you know."

"What?!" For some reason I found myself staring at the receiver like it could supply me with a proper explanation for what I couldnīt be hearing. Bringing it back to my ear, I asked, feeling just a little peeved, "What the heck are you talking about?"

"Duh! What do you think Iīm talking about?! Terri failed her exams and she had to go, thatīs how it works here. Didnīt you know that?"

"Well, yes…" I replied slowly as my mind frantically tried to digest the information. Terri had been kicked out? For how long and why hadnīt she said anything? "Where is she now?"

This time Alison sighed so deeply I was afraid she might burst, "For crying out, I just told you, didnīt I?! I have no idea! She left here a couple of days ago, didnīt say a word as usual. I thought you knew."

"No… no, I didnīt…"

"Oh…" Alison suddenly seemed to realize that things might not be as they should be. "Well, I guess I just thought she told you. I mean, youīre her girlfriend after all…"

The last sentence lingered awkwardly between us, almost like an accusation.

"I…" I swallowed, trying not to give in to the fear I felt beginning to built in my stomach. "I havenīt heard from her in almost a week. She sent me flowers, but that company exists everywhere. She could-"

"Look, Sarah," Alison spoke quickly, probably hearing the growing worry in my voice. "I know Terri, she pulls stunts like these occasionally, you must know that, too. Sheīs most likely staying with some friend, trying to figure out what to do next, finding the courage to tell her parents and stuff like that. I bet it wonīt be long before you hear from her."

"You said Nicola didnīt know where she was either…"

"Yeah well…" Alison paused uncertainly before continuing with renewed strength. "I know thatīs a bit odd, Nicola usually knows what Terriīs up to, but Iīm sure thereīs nothing to worry about. Terriīs a big girl, she knows how to look out for herself."

"Yes, Iīm sure youīre right," I agreed with absolutely no conviction. "When exactly did you see her the last time?"

"Um… that must be about three, no, four days ago."

"And she didnīt say where she was going?"

"No, I donīt think it was planned. I mean, she left her clothes here and everything."

It was as if we both realized the implications of the statement at the same time, and both ends of the phone fell deadly silent. Alison recovered first, clearing her throat softly, "Sarah, Iīm sure sheīs all right. In fact I know she is. She sent you flowers, didnīt she? Thatīs not something you would do if you were in trouble. Just because Nicola doesnīt know anything doesnīt mean somethingīs wrong."

"Maybe not…" I swallowed again, then asked quietly, "Do you think she might be home?"

"Ah, no…" Alison answered with unwavering certainty. "Iīm pretty sure thatīs not where she is. Terri doesnīt go home unless she has to. Her mum always drives her crazy and I know Alan isnīt there to bear the brunt, and her dadīs always been too much of a coward to get in between."

I frowned, "What do you mean by that? I know that their-"

"Sorry," Alison interrupted, sounding as if she was already putting the phone away. "Iīve got to go now, my dateīs here. Iīll call you if I hear something, okay? Bye." And then the line went silent.

"You okay?" Paige asked me a few moments later as I had recovered enough to go back out to my guests. "You look a little pale."

"I…" I stared at her, still trying to get things to make sense. "I think Terriīs missing…"

"Missing?" Paige regarded me sceptically, clearly interpreting it as some kind of lame excuse as to why Terri hadnīt showed up. "What do you mean, missing?"

"Well," my brow furrowed in bewilderment, "apparently she was forced to leave her apartment after failing her exams and she stayed with a friend for awhile, but then she just… well, left."

"Left?"

"Yes, and nobody seems to know where she is."

"Oh…" Paigeīs face suddenly became serious. "That doesnīt sound good."

"No," I answered, feeling how the absurdity of the situation and not knowing what was going on was slowly making me angry. Angry and afraid. "And she didnīt even tell me sheīd been kicked out. If it hadnīt been for a friend telling me, I would have had no idea!"

"Well, maybe she didnīt want to bother you," Paige spoke thoughtfully, adding quickly when she noticed my expression, "I mean, you know how self-reliant Terri is. If I were her, I doubt I would have told you before I had found another place to live."

"I donīt care!" I exclaimed loudly, instantly regretting it when several people around us shot us curious looks. Nearly whispering, I continued, "This isnīt about self-reliance, Paige, she canīt keep something like this from me. If it hadnīt been for Alison she would have been on the street, and God only knows where the hell she is now. I canīt…" I took a deep breath, getting my suddenly shaky voice under control. "I canīt believe she would do this to me. Doesnīt she know I canīt help but be scared something might have happened to her?"

Paige stepped closer and put her arm around me, speaking gently, "I donīt know, hon, I really donīt know Terri that well. But if you want my honest opinion, I can say that in spite of everything, Iīm convinced she loves you. Itīs just…"

I looked at her, "Just what?"

"Well…" Paige grimaced lightly. "Donīt take this the wrong way, but Terri is still pretty young and Iīm not sure sheīs ready for this serious relationship stuff yet. I canīt know for sure, but I get the distinct feeling she still needs to sort out her life, and until thatīs taken care of, there wonīt be much room for you, if any. And if you try to fit in, Iīm afraid youīll only get hurt. Not that sheīs going to do it on purpose, but it will happen, Iīm sure of it. Just look at how upset you are now."

"Considering the circumstances, I think I have a goddamn reason to be upset," I replied heatedly, not caring who might hear me now. "Sheīs been missing for days and nobody seems to know where the hell she is. Not even her ex., who otherwise seems to be fully informed about everything that goes on."

Paige looked like a big question mark, "Her ex.?"

"Forget it," I waved dismissively, definitely not wanting to get into that now. "Long and boring story. So, what do you think I should do? Wait? Call her parents?" I hesitated for just a heartbeat, "The police?"

Paige scratched her cheek, absently looking at the people conversing quietly around us, all pretending not to be looking our way, "You say nobodyīs heard from her for days, right? Normally, I guess calling the police wouldnīt hurt, but in this case… It is Terri weīre talking about, after all. Iīm not sure she would appreciate that."

"She could be hurt," I pointed out angrily. "In danger."

"Yes, or she could just be hiding out somewhere, not giving a shit that people worry about her."

Before things could turn into a big argument, my father wisely chose that moment to come over and tell me he and my mother had to leave. Paige used the opportunity to slip away as well, which probably was a good idea as she knew only too well she had been telling me all the things I didnīt want to hear. Just like a good friend should. However, she also knew me well enough to realize it might be a little before I would appreciate the sentiment. It was hard enough having to defend Terri to myself - defending her to others was more than I wanted to deal with right now. Once she showed up it would be another matter, though. Then I would tell her exactly what I thought of that kind of behaviour.

If she showed up…

That night I didnīt get any sleep. I lay awake, staring blindly at the ceiling, alternating between feeling terribly angry and terribly afraid. Every time I thought I had decided what to do, I would change my mind and decide on something completely different. I thought of calling everybody from Nicola to the National Guard and her parents. But if Nicola indeed didnīt know anything it would be a waste of time, and I didnīt want to upset Terriīs parents in case they didnīt even know she was missing. And I seriously doubted the National Guard would be interested in my problems.

At seven a.m. I couldnīt take it anymore and called her parents. I let the phone ring fifteen times before I would admit to myself there was no one to pick up. For the next thirty minutes I circled the phone like a hungry tiger, willing it to ring by just staring at it. It didnīt.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, I began to feel really afraid. I had been worried, deeply worried until then, but now I was afraid. Something could have happened to her. This was a big city with a lot of unpleasant inhabitants and Terri was an attractive woman...

I didnīt dare to finish the thought, but slowly sank down onto the couch, oblivious to the fact that I had to be at work soon and that I was still in my pyjamas. Taking deep breaths, I fought the panic I felt lurking just around the corner and the irrational urge I had to call my father and ask for help. This was something I would have to handle on my own, this wasnīt a monster he could defeat by switching on the lights.

This was real.

And I didnīt know what to do about it.

Almost eleven hours later I received the call I had been waiting for.

A young man cleared his voice and spoke softly, "Miss Kingston? This is Alan Cavanagh, Terriīs brother. I…" He hesitated and I held my breath, my heart having stopped beating the moment I heard his name. "I donīt know if I should be telling you this, but Terriīs here… with me."

"With you?" I whispered, so weak with relief I could cry. "Sheīs with you?"

"Yes. I donīt think she wants you to know, but I thought you had a-"

"Is she all right?" I interrupted almost frantically. "Please say sheīs all right?"

"Yes, sheīs fine. Sheīs sleeping right now. The time differenceīs still bothering her."

"Time difference?" I repeated, momentarily thrown off track. "What time difference?" Not being in the mood for riddles, I continued impatiently, "Where the hell are you?"

"Well, London," Alan sounded confused. "Didnīt I say?"

"No…" I closed my eyes, suddenly feeling very tired. "No, you didnīt."

Episode 28

The dream began the way most of my dreams do, in the middle of everything, without any proper beginning or explanation to tell me where I was or what was going on. I was walking along a beautiful sandy beach, the splashing surf bluer than Terriīs eyes. A scenery taken right out from a Bounty commercial, and even in my dream I kept expecting some gorgeous guy to come running, offering me a juicy coconut. The only problem was, I had never liked coconut.

In my dream, everything made perfect sense as the beach suddenly faded away beneath my feet and I found myself standing on a mouldy path, covered with wet leaves that circled tortuously through a dense and dark jungle. Feeling a little apprehensive, I continued, somehow knowing I couldnīt go back. Turning a corner, I nearly walked headfirst into my father who was standing in the middle of the path, playing a banjo. He gave me a heartfelt smile, then began to play Greensleeves, taping his foot merrily to the rhythm.

"Hello, sweetie, where are you going?"

"I didnīt know you played the banjo?" Even in a dream, that struck me as odd.

"I have many hidden talents, my sweet," my father replied cheerfully, changing the tune to Garbageīs Queer."So, where are you going?"

"Iīm looking for Terri," I answered without thought, not realizing until this very moment that that was what I had been doing. "Have you seen her?"

"Hmm…" My father hummed the chorus to himself, headbanging lightly. "Iīm not sure, sugar, maybe I have, maybe I havenīt. Would you think I have seen her?"

"Gee, Dad," I shook my head, "what a time to get deep. Canīt you just tell me?"

My father stopped playing. He looked at me for a moment then gave me a gentle smile, pointing down the path, "She went that way. If you hurry you might catch her."

As I started to run in the direction he had indicated, I heard him shout after me, "And tell her I want my Lord of the Rings first edition back in one piece! No bullet holes like the last time!"

Bullet holes? I thought in confusion. What does Terri do in her spare time?

However, before I could give the matter any further thought, I was practically scared to death when out of nowhere, the Village Peopleīs YMCA blasted out from speakers apparently hidden in the trees around me. Protecting my ears with my hands, I ran until the sound volume became a little more bearable. Sighing in relief I slowed down, then got another fright when I heard a voice behind me.

"Hi, Sarah."

I spun around, standing face to face with Jeremy Sallinger, the last boyfriend I had ever had. He was a blond, handsome man with sparkling green/grey eyes, a real mouthful as Paige would say, but the fact that he was wearing a gown taken directly out of Gone with the Wind served to ruin the whole picture a little.

"Um… Jeremy?"

"Hello, Sarah," he smiled at me before pirouetting gracefully around himself. "What do you think?"

"Itīs nice," I spoke doubtfully, trying to reconcile the memory of the butch, sports-loving young man I knew from college with the embroidered vision before me. "You look… well, nice."

"I do, donīt I?" He smiled coquettishly, lifting up his skirts and swirling around another time. "I always did think turquoise would look good on me."

I was surprised that he even knew the word "turquoise," but refrained from commenting. Just as I was about to ask him whether he had seen Terri, he spoke quietly, his face suddenly serious, "It hurts, doesnīt it?"

I looked at him questioningly, waiting for him to elaborate.

"To have your heart broken."

I opened my mouth to speak, but then closed it again, not knowing what to say.

"You broke mine, you know…"

"Yes," I finally managed to say. "I know." I was silent for a moment, then added softly, "Iīm sorry. It wasnīt your fault."

He nodded, then spoke with feigned indifference, "You could have told me, Sarah. You could have told me why you had to break up with me the day before the most important game in my life. You could have told me instead of leaving me a note, saying that it was over, but not giving me any reason except some lame excuses."

"I know," I answered, feeling all the guilt I had managed to push behind me years ago return tenfold. "Iīm sorry. I… I didnīt know what to do, Jeremy. I was so confused."

He snorted, "Donīt give me that, Sarah, you knew. Deep down you knew. You just had to admit it to yourself."

"That was easier said than done."

He sighed, staring at the ground for a few seconds, then looked up, giving me a little smile, "Yeah, I know. Itīs okay, Iīm not mad at you anymore. I just wanted you to know how it feels, and now you do."

"Yes," I swallowed, trying to smile in return. "Now I do."

"So…" He took a couple of playful and disturbingly skilled dance steps. "Do you think youīre going to find her?"

I just shrugged, "I have to."

"But what if you donīt?"

"Then… then… I…" I faltered, the implication of his question stealing my words away.

"Itīs tough, isnīt it?" Jeremy looked me straight in the eye. "Not knowing what to do if you donīt."

I had no answer for him and he didnīt seem to expect one. Instead he pointed down the path, "She passed here about five minutes ago. She didnīt appear to be in a hurry so I think you should be able to catch up with her."

"Thank you," I whispered, walking over to place a gentle kiss on his cheek. "Iīm sorry I hurt you, you deserved better than that."

He smiled dismissively, ushering me along, "Itīs okay. Now go find her, I want a happy ending to tell my grandchildren about."

I paused in mid-step, turning around to face him, "Speaking of that, Jeremy… Um… the dress youīre wearing…"

"Yes?" He looked innocently at me. "What about it?"

"I um…" I grimaced, trying to be delicate. "I didnīt cause that, did I? I mean, my dumping you and all. I didnīt-."

"Hey!" He interrupted indignantly. "This is your subconsciousness, not mine. Iīm not to blame for your sick and twisted fantasies." He hoisted up his skirts and sashayed angrily away.

I watched him for a moment, then shook my head, and quickly headed down the opposite direction.

I had walked for less than a minute, or something like that because who knows if they measure time in dreams, when again the scenery changed around me. This time I found myself on a grassy cliff above the ocean and there, standing precariously close to the edge, was Terri. She was leaning forward, looking down at the suddenly rough surf, the strong wind making her hair flutter erratically around her face. She was wearing nothing but a t-shirt and jeans, and I suddenly thought that she ought to be cold. Personally, I was already shivering, but the cold didnīt seem to affect Terri, who remained absolutely still, staring intently down at the waves crashing hard against the cliff over and over again.

I tentatively took a few steps toward her, terrified what would happen if I startled her, "Terri?"

She turned her head slowly and when she saw it was me smiled brightly, "Hey Sarah."

"Terri, what are you doing?"

"Nothing," she stared back down into the abyss. "Just having a look. Itīs a pretty sight."

"Yeah well…" I moved closer. "I think it would be a lot prettier if you would just step away from the edge a little."

"Donīt worry." She looked up briefly to smile at me again. "Nothingīs going to happen. Iīm just gonna watch the waves for awhile."

"Terri, sweetheart," I reached my hand out toward her. "You would really make me very happy if you would come over here. Iīm not really comfortable with you standing so close, itīs rather a big drop."

She tilted her head thoughtfully, but didnīt step away and even leaner a little closer to have a better look down, "It is, isnīt it? But you see, Sarah…" She looked at me again, smiling enigmatically, "Thatīs the attraction of it all." She was silent for a moment, staring out toward the horizon, then spoke, more to herself than me, "I have always wondered how far I could go before I would fall…"

I quickly measured the distance between her and the edge. There wasnīt any.

"Terri…" I was getting slightly desperate, not liking her fascination with the view below her. "There isnīt any room, you canīt step any further. Please come back here before anything happens."

She turned around to face me, but didnīt move toward me, her back now turned toward the crashing surf and the wind tearing in her clothes and hair. Frowning, she asked, as if the realization had just hit her, "Are you afraid for me?"

"Yes," I whispered, keeping my hand extended toward her, slowly edging closer. "I donīt want you to get hurt."

"Oh…" She was quiet for a few seconds, then smiled at me, "Thatīs very nice of you."

"It has nothing to do with being nice, Terri." I was almost close enough to touch her. "I love you and I donīt want to lose you. Itīs that simple."

Terri stared at me, then spoke sadly, "Itīs never that simple." And then she spun on her heels and jumped.

In my dream I screamed the entire, seemingly endless, moment it took Terri to hit the waves and disappear beneath the surface. Fortunately, I didnīt scream for real, but as my eyes snapped open, my heart beating frantically in my chest and my hand clutching the armrest between me and my fellow passenger, I couldnīt help but shoot him a furtive look, wondering if he had noticed anything odd. It didnīt seem like it as he was sound asleep the way I had been myself a couple of seconds earlier. Trying to get my breathing under control, I stared out of the dark window, attempting to recall what had woken me up so effectively. But the dream was fading quickly and all I was left with was an uneasy feeling of dread.

Perhaps I dreamt the plane was going to crash?

Shaking my head slowly, I made myself as comfortable as possible in my seat, pulling the flimsy blanket all the way up to my chin. I knew what I was doing was crazy, taking off like that. Terriīs brother had been diplomatic and subtle on the phone, but still hadnīt been able to hide the fact that Terri didnīt want to see me, but as I told him then, it wasnīt a matter of what Terri wanted anymore. I couldnīt just let her run out on me like this, I couldnīt let her get away with it. I had to meet with her face to face at least one more time.

If only to tell her it was over.

Feeling the tears I had been able to suppress for so long finally begin to run down my cheeks, I pulled the blanket all the way over my head. I didnīt want the people dozing quietly around me to see me cry.

Episode 29

Heathrow Airport is big, noisy and confusing, especially if youīre half asleep, stumbling through customs and doing your best to keep your eyes open. Fortunately for me, there was someone waiting for me.

How he knew it was me Iīll never know, but barely had I retrieved the one bag I brought with me and begun to look questioningly around when Alan Cavanagh materialized in front of me, giving me a friendly smile.

"Ms. Kingston, please let me take care of that one for you." Without waiting for my answer he took the bag from my hand, giving me another smile as he gestured ahead of him, "If youīll come with me, the trains are this way."

"Trains?" I dutifully trailed after him, too tired to decide whether I was charmed by his gentlemanly behaviour or not.

"Yes, Iīm sorry to rush, but itīs almost seven and Iīm meeting my girlfriend in an hour. Iīm late as it is already." He held a door open, waiting for me to pass through, "Iīll go as far as Holborn with you and from there you can take a train to St. Paulīs. Terri promised she would be there to meet you before she has to go to work."

"Work?" I narrowly missed a trolley that abruptly appeared in my path. Shooting the woman pushing it a nasty look, I caught up with Alan who didnīt seem to have noticed I had fallen behind. Apparently, having a "selective" attention span ran in the family. "Terriīs working?"

"Yes. Jenny, thatīs my girlfriend, her father owns a small pub close to where we live and I arranged for him to give Terri a job. She has to pay off her plane ticket one way or the other and London isnīt cheap."

"No… no, it isnīt," I replied, more to myself than him, absently wondering whether that meant Terri was planning to stay for awhile. For some reason that thought had never crossed my mind until now. Not that it was going to influence my plans in anyway, I had made up my mind about what I would do. There was no question about that. It was just…

I spent the ride from Heathrow to Holborn getting to know Terriīs brother. He was very much like I had expected him to be after having seen his picture. He was friendly and calm, very mild-mannered, and acting so grownup and mature that I began to feel like I was the younger of the two of us. Occasionally I did detect a slight tendency of his to fall quiet and become lost in thought for a minute or two, but compared to Terri it was nothing, and I soon forgot about it. He told me about the hospital where he was doing his internship and how he had met Jenny, running headfirst into her as he was chasing a little boy who didnīt want a tetanus shot down the hall. The story made me laugh, something I hadnīt done for a long time, and I quickly felt relaxed and at ease in his company, which was probably what he had wanted to achieve in the first place.

The only thing that disturbed me, and was the reason why I looked out of the window so much, staring intently at darkened fields and houses, was his eyes. Every time I looked into them, I was painfully reminded of my reason for coming to London and why it was my heart was feeling so heavy.

I think he must have sensed my dark mood because gradually he fell silent, the oh-so-familiar blue eyes studying me pensively. After a long moment of silence, he cleared his throat and said quietly, "In case youīre wondering, it wasnīt because Terri didnīt want to pick you up at the airport, she just couldnīt make it."

I turned to look him, giving him a brief smile before staring back out the window. I could sense he expected some kind of reply from me, but I didnīt have any and I was afraid what might happen to my composure if we began to talk about Terri.

Truth be told, I had been wondering why he was there and not Terri. I had been wondering what had been going on in Terriīs mind the moment she heard I was coming. And I had been wondering what she would say once she saw me again. In fact, all I had been doing the long hours on the plane and now here in the train was wonder. Wonder if I would be able to stay as strong as I knew I needed to be when we were face to face. Wonder if I could keep myself from throwing my arms around her and begging her to come back once I looked into her eyes.

Wonder if she would be happy to see me at all.

The ride from Heathrow to Holborn was relatively short and as soon as we had left the train, Alan explained to me which line to take, shook my hand, wished me a safe trip to St. Paulīs and then hurried away. I easily found the right train and even managed to secure a place to sit. As we began to move, I leaned back into my seat and stretched my aching back when I noticed Alan through the window, making his way toward the escalators. Subconsciously I began comparing his lanky frame to Terriīs more balanced build. In spite of their difference, I had no difficulties telling they were related, but what it was exactly that linked them so strongly together kept eluding me. As the train increased its speed, I closed my eyes, exhaling slowly. In a very short time I would be face to face with Terri and even though I tried to deny it to myself my heart rhythm was already picking up.

By the time the train arrived at my destination, I had managed to completely convince myself it had been a grave mistake to come and that I should have stayed at home, leaving Terri to sort out herself and giving up ever getting an explanation for her odd behaviour. However, it was too late to go back now and deep down I knew that I would never have found any rest had I not gone. I needed an explanation, no matter how lame, and I needed to hear it from her lips. And then, once she had told me everything I needed to know, she would have to listen to what I had come to say.

Taking a deep breath, I grabbed my bag and waited for the doors to slide away and then, minding the gap, stepped out onto the platform. For about a minute everything was obscured as people rushed past me, heading to and from the trains and escalators, then gradually the mass of bodies lessened and I started to look around. Spotting the sign reading īExitī I hitched up my bag and tiredly began to trot into that direction. Without thought, I let the escalator carry me up, absently studying the countless ads for musicals, some more familiar to me than others, plastered on the walls.

When at last I arrived at the highest level, I joined the lines of people pushing themselves through the turnstiles and then quickly sought out a quiet corner to allow myself a moment of peace to orientate myself.

Looking around, noticing the various stairs leading up and outside I searched for Terri, my eyes lingering on anybody who had just the slightest resemblance to her. Just as I was about to give up and find the way to the address Alan had given me myself, I noticed movement out of the corner of my eyes. Turning my head to look toward the exit furthest away from me, I smiled involuntarily. Running down the stairs, taking two or three steps at a time, and looking the absolute epitome of being late, was Terri. Skidding to a halt, she looked around, her gaze almost missing me in her hurry.

Hesitating for just a second, she smiled automatically and in a few long strides came over to stand before me.

"Hi." She smiled again, her eyes not quite comfortable meeting mine, but seemingly unable to fully look away.

"Hi," I responded immediately, all other words and phrases momentarily having left my mind.

A very long silence followed with both of us unsure where to look and what to say. I took advantage of it to blatantly study her, regardless of the fact that I could tell my scrutiny was making her a little uneasy. Aside from being drenched, the tousled black hair slicked to her forehead and tiny streams of water running down her jacket, she looked herself - which for some reason surprised me. Although I knew it wasnīt that long since we had last seen each other, I had expected it to show somehow. Expected her to look different in a way. However, before I could fully examine the thought, Terri bit her lip lightly and spoke hesitantly, "I hope you didnīt have any problems getting here."

"No, no," I answered. "No problems whatsoever."

Once more silence fell, but before it could become too awkward Terri spoke again, "Alan was there to meet you in Heathrow, wasnīt he?"

"Yes, he was there." I smiled briefly. "Heīs very nice, by the way."

She returned my smile, answering almost absentmindedly as her gaze appeared to search my face, "Yeah, he is." Shaking her head imperceptibly, she gestured toward the exit she had come from, "Letīs get out of here. If weīre lucky, the rain might have stopped."

It hadnīt.

Standing in the entrance to the underground, we watched the pouring rain for a moment, then Terri turned to me and said, "Thereīs only about ten minutes from here to where I live, but since itīs raining so much we can take a cab if you like."

"Well, what do you want?"

Terri shrugged, giving me a little grin, "Iīm completely soaked already, I canīt get any wetter, so to me it makes no difference."

I contemplated her words for a couple seconds, then grinned myself, "Oh, what the heck, a little rain never hurt anybody. Letīs walk."

Terri was right, it didnīt take very long to get to the apartment her brother shared with his girlfriend and, at least temporarily, his sister, but by the time we arrived I was just as soaked as she. She showed me to the small room she was staying in, a slightly awkward moment arising as she almost under her breath added that she would leave me the room and sleep on the couch in the main room so I could have my privacy. Not until then did I realize that she was expecting me to stay with them, and thankfully we both forgot about the silent implication of Terriīs statement as I quickly objected, telling her I would stay at a hotel. She replied that Jenny wouldnīt mind, she was never home during the day anyway, but I repeated my objections, also pointing out that there was hardly room for three people in the apartment, let alone four.

Ultimately, Terri relented, but only after I had agreed to stay for the night due to the late hour and the horrid weather, and wait checking into a hotel till the next day. Locking myself into the bathroom, I changed into a dry set of clothes, trying to get the mess that was my hair into some semblance of order. Exiting, I nearly bumped into Terri who was on her way out again, over her shoulder telling me she had to go to work, but should be back a little after midnight.

"Terri, wait!" I called out, stopping her just before she disappeared out of the door.

"What?" she stuck her head back in, regarding me impatiently.

"I… I…" My mouth moved a couple of more times, but nothing came out. I wasnīt sure what I had expected would happen once I saw her again, but I knew this wasnīt it. I had surprised myself by how calm and in control of my emotions I had been during our meeting at the station and the walk to the apartment, but that didnīt mean I wanted to prolong my stay in London indefinitely just because Terri was too busy to talk to me. I had come here to see her, not Big Ben or Buckingham Palace. There was so much I wanted to know, so much we had to talk about, and I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible so I could go back to living a normal life.

"We have to talk."

Terri looked at me, her eyes suddenly wary. Trying to smile, she said quietly, "Why do I have the feeling Iīm not going to like what you have to say?"

I didnīt even attempt to return her feeble smile, but just said, "When will you have time?"

She looked away and was silent for a moment, then spoke, "Tomorrow afternoon both Alan and Jenny will be out and I wonīt have to be at work until seven. We can talk then if you want."

"I do." I waited until she met my eyes, having known she would sooner or later and then continued tonelessly, "We have a lot to talk about… You know that."

"Yeah…" She licked her lips. "I know."

Feeling slightly uncomfortable staying in a foreign apartment without having received a direct invitation from the owner, I moved around restlessly, waiting for someone to arrive and trying not to think too much of Terri. To no avail of course. Around eleven Alan and Jenny showed up, both of them to my great relief expecting to find me there. We had a very late but nice dinner, talking pleasantly with each other about nothing substantial before they excused themselves and went to bed.

I was beginning to feel tired, too, but was reluctant to go to bed, debating with myself whether I should stay up until Terri returned. I wasnīt sure if she was counting on me to be awake when she got back, but I soon realized it didnīt really matter what she thought as I was too exhausted to keep my eyes open much longer and just wanted to sleep.

After finishing in the bathroom, I went into Terriīs room, closing the door behind me and then quietly started to undress. The room was small and oblong, with just a bed and a dresser, and the eggshell coloured walls were nearly bare with only a few pictures of flowers and landscapes and it was clear to me that Terri hadnīt done the decorating. Shivering lightly in the cold air, I slipped beneath the covers and switched off the light.

As I lay in the darkness, listening to the sounds of the city, I thought about my situation, trying to determine what I wanted and what I was hoping to achieve. The big problem was that the two things werenīt easy, if at all possible, to reconcile. With every fibre of my being I knew I wanted Terri, had known it all along, and I wasnīt even going to fool myself and try to pretend that it wasnīt the case. Unfortunately that didnīt mix very well with the fact that the sensible and clear-thinking side of me wanted to put an end to this, wanted to find some kind of closure that would allow me to move on and let me live my life without the continuous emotional turmoil Terri subjected me to.

Eventually, I began speculating what Terri wanted, what she was thinking about it all, but as so many times before I came up empty handed and decided to drop the subject before my mind began racing too much for me to be able to fall asleep. Without caring about the few treacherous tears running down my cheeks, I slowly drifted into sleep.

"Sail away with me, honey, I put my heart in your hand. Sail away with me, honey, now… now… now… Sail away with me, what will be will be. I wanna hold you now…"

Blinking the sleep from my eyes, I sat up halfway in the bed, listening in confusion to what had woken me up.

"Crazy skies are wild above me now, winter howling at my face. And everything I held so dear, disappeared without a trace. Oh, all the times I tasted love, never knew quite what I had. Little darling if you hear me now, never needed you so bad… spinning round inside my head.

Sail away with me, honey… I put my heart in your hand. Sail away with me, honey, now… now… now…"

Sitting absolutely still, I listened to Terri half sing, half whistle the rest of the to me unknown song as she moved around out in the kitchen, her voice low and soft. Then she fell silent and I heard her sit down at the table, drawing the chair closer. For some reason that prompted me to get out of bed and without really knowing why I walked to the door, nearly getting a heart attack as the shrill sound of a phone ringing suddenly cut through the night. The noise elicited a deep sigh from Terri and I smiled to myself as I heard her pick up, seeing in my mind the exasperated expression on her face. Deciding on going back to bed and back to sleep, I found myself hesitating instead, my brow furrowing lightly as Terriīs part of the conversation carried into my room. Uncertain of what to do I remained at the door, trying to convince myself that I wasnīt really eavesdropping since I would still be able to hear her from the bed.

"No… no, you canīt. Heīs sleeping." Another sigh sounded from Terri, a little more contained, but still exasperated. "No, Mum, Iīm not going to wake him, you can speak to him tomorrow… Yes… Yes… Mum, I know that! Iīm not stupid."

A low thump followed and I guessed Terri had slumped against the wall, leaning her back against it. With my hand edging ever so slowly toward the door handle, I continued to listen.

"Mum…" Terriīs voice seemed to lose strength. "Mum, please donīt say that. Mum, I-" She was silent for a long time, and in spite of feeling terribly guilty I held my breath, straining to hear what was being said at the other end of the line.

"Mum," Terri suddenly spoke again, sounding slightly desperate. "You donīt mean that. You know I-" As she was seemingly cut off again, I felt an almost irresistible urge to go out there and hold her, but I stayed where I was, somehow knowing this wasnīt a conversation Terri wanted me to overhear.

"Mum, Iīm gonna hang up now." Almost before the last word had left Terriīs lips, she slammed the receiver down, the sound so loud I feared she had broken the phone. After that there was only silence, but then I could hear her slide down the wall to the floor. Without taking time to think, or even wonder if it was a good idea, I opened the door and stepped outside. Terri was sitting a few feet to the right of me, her legs pulled up and her arms wrapped tightly around them as she stared straight ahead.

"Terri…?"

"What?" she answered without looking up, her tone of voice incredibly cold and harsh.

"Are you okay?" I asked, fully aware that by asking that question I was giving away the fact that I had been listening.

However, Terri didnīt seem to care either way and just shrugged before answering dismissively, "Iīm fine."

Although I knew better, I waited for her to elaborate, but naturally she didnīt. I was about to kneel down before her to be able to see her face when abruptly she wiped her eyes and rose from the floor. Too stunned by the thought that Terri might actually have been crying I could only stare at her, waiting for her to say something. But she didnīt speak and only stared at me intensely, her face completely unreadable and showing no trace of either tears or distress. Then suddenly she moved toward me, slowly enough for me to be able to realize her intent and avoid it, but too fast for me to do so without having to move away in a rather abrupt manner. And before I could make up my mind about what to do, she was kissing me as if we had never been apart.

Her lips were soft and inviting, and before I knew what was happening, my tongue had found its way into her mouth, slowly searching out hers. Terriīs body trembled and a hoarse, almost strangled sound I couldnīt identify escaped her throat. Her hands left my face, sliding down my back before coming to rest gently on my hips, and for a second I could swear they were shaking. Then, before my racing mind had decided on whether to go further or pull back, I tasted blood.

"Terri…" I spoke breathlessly, finally managing to break the kiss. "Terri, your lip is bleeding."

She looked at me uncomprehendingly, then slowly raised her hand and gingerly touched her lower lip with two fingers, holding them up before her face to study the faint smear of blood evident there. "I…" she spoke slowly and distractedly, staring at the blood. "I must have bitten myself earlier when…"

She met my eyes, then suddenly rushed past me, disappearing out into the bathroom.

"Terri?" I paused uneasily outside the door, not wanting to intrude. "Is… is everything okay?"

"Iīm fine," came Terriīs answer instantly. "Just go to bed, Sarah, Iīll see you tomorrow."

"Are you sure?" I asked without any real interest, feeling too exhausted and too resigned to argue. I had experienced situations like this countless times since I first met Terri and I was sick and tired of it. And in that very moment I promised myself I wasnīt going to ask anymore; if something was wrong, she would have to tell me.

"Yes, just go to bed. Weīll talk later."

"Okay. Goodnight, Terri."

And with that, I turned around and walked away.

Authorīs Note: The song referred to is "Sail Away," by David Gray from the brilliant album "White Ladder." Highly recommended.

Episode 30

"Hey…"

I blinked, then smiled uncertainly, trying to see her face in the feeble daylight, "Hey."

"Slept well?"

"Um… yes, thank you."

Terri nodded, gave me a little smile and then continued to look at me in silence from her spot near the wall where I had noticed her sitting when I woke up only seconds earlier. When she had come into my room and for how long she had been watching I had no idea, but I vaguely recalled her wearing pretty much the same clothes the day before so it was possible she had been there all night. Not wanting to think about that, I sat up, suddenly feeling oddly self-conscious.

"What time is it?"

Terri glanced at her watch, "A little past seven, Alan and Jenny just left."

In the ensuing silence, our eyes met, but for once it was me who wasnīt comfortable holding her gaze and quickly looked away. Terri sighed softly, then pushed herself over to sit on the floor beside my bed. We both stared straight ahead at the wall for a long moment, then she asked quietly, "Are you very mad at me?"

I hesitated lightly, still looking ahead, then asked, "Why did you leave?"

"Leave… I didnīt…" Terri tasted the word, her voice pensive. "I guess I just… kinda ran away."

I turned to look at her while she kept staring at the wall, "Why?"

"I just needed to get away."

"From me?"

"No…" I could see a little, resigned smile flicker across her face then she finally raised her head to meet my eyes. "Not you. It didnīt have anything to do with you… I was just tired…"

I exhaled slowly, absorbing her words and feeling somewhat tired myself, then said, "Of what? School? Your mother? What?"

Terri smiled bitterly, "Myself." She shrugged, looking away, "Life… Things just get so complicated sometimes. I donīt know what to do. I…" She sighed, shrugging again, "I donīt know what I want anymore. Iīm not sure I ever did."

"Why didnīt you tell me something was wrong?" Although I hadnīt intended it, the hurt was still evident in my words and Terri grimaced, her fingers restlessly playing with her sleeve. "I didnīt want to… I mean, there wasnīt really anything I could say. You see…" She looked at me, her brow furrowing, "Itīs not something definite, something I can pinpoint, itīs… itīs more of a feeling. I donīt feel…"

"Happy?" I offered quietly.

"Yeah… happy…" Terri spoke the word like it was something vile.

We were silent for a very long time as I tried to understand what she was saying, doing my utmost not to take it personally. When I at last had gathered my thoughts enough to think of something to say, Terri beat me to it, her speech coming unsure and hesitant, "When… when I feel that way, I just want to be alone… I just want people to go away. I donīt want them around because I… Iīm not the most considerate person then, Iīm… I donīt really care about anything… or anybody. I know that I hurt people when Iīm like that, I know that Iīm being selfish and unreasonable, I know that they donīt understand because I never say anything, or give a reason. But…" She rubbed her forehead angrily, closing her eyes, "But how can I give a reason when I donīt know it myself? Sometimes Iīd wish that…"

"That what?"

At first I didnīt think she would answer, then she spoke almost inaudibly, "That I could be a little more the way I want to be. And not the way I am…"

I smiled faintly, reaching out to touch her hair with my right hand before absently beginning to massage her neck, "We all feel that way at times. We all want to be somebody else, but that isnīt a reason to run away."

"Maybe not…" Terri replied absently, bending her head to give my fingers better access. "But thatīs what I do. Itīs what Iīve always done."

"Has it ever solved anything?"

She let out a low laugh, shaking her head almost imperceptibly, "No, not really…"

I smiled wryly myself, continuing my massage, "Then perhaps you should consider adopting a different approach."

"Perhaps."

After a moment of silence, Terri eased herself away from my touch and got to her feet, "Well, Iīll leave you to get dressed. Iīll go prepare some breakfast in the meantime."

"Okay, but Terri…"

She turned around in the door, "Yeah?"

I looked at her, suddenly not knowing what to say. In lack of anything better I just smiled helplessly and said, "Iīm still mad at you. I still feel like I could strangle you. Iīm going to stay in London for a day or two to sort things out, and then Iīll go back home. What you do then is up to you."

Terri regarded me without speaking for a moment, then she nodded slowly, "I understand."

"What?" I responded immediately before she could walk away, eager to know what she was thinking. "What do you understand?"

She looked away for a second, then sighed and gave me a little sad smile, "That I blew it." She paused, then straightened up slightly, speaking impassively, "Well, Iīll go make tea. Take your time dressing, thereīs no hurry."

As she closed the door behind her, I was as motionless as I had been when I heard her answer to my question, three little words running through my brain again and again.

This is it… This is it… This is it…

I leaned back against the wall, pulling the covers up to my chin, my vision blurring slightly, then I closed my eyes.

Itīs over…

By the time I had finished in the bathroom and joined Terri at the breakfast table, a strange sense of calm, mixed with not a little resignation, had suffused me and the atmosphere between us was relaxed, albeit a little quiet. We were both lost in thought, eating our food without really tasting it, and what she was thinking I couldnīt tell, but I was beginning to wonder if Terri had meant what I thought she meant or if I had jumped to conclusions. To make matters worse, I wasnīt sure what I wanted her to have said. Did she think it was over? Did she expect to work things out? Did she think I believed it to be over, or what? Was she even thinking about us at all? The nagging questions were slowly driving me crazy and every time I thought I had reached a conclusion, found an answer that would satisfy me, I changed my mind and started all over.

I had come to London with the clear intention of getting an explanation from Terri and then reacting accordingly; a reaction I had halfway come to accept would mean the end of our relationship. But now I wasnīt so certain anymore, mainly because I didnīt know what I wanted. I knew I couldnīt, wouldnīt, continue down the rather bumpy road we had been heading almost from the day we met, but at the same time I was also painfully aware that in spite of all my sound reasoning, there was one minor factor I had left out of the equation. My heart.

My heart and my mind didnīt agree. And as much as each attempted to overrule the other it just wasnīt working, and it left me feeling more and more confused and unsure of myself and my feelings. Not to mention Terri. How did she fit into it all, and didnīt she have a say in the matter? Or did she lose that when she just up and left with no regard for me?

"Terri?"

She raised her head slowly, her eyes distant as they met mine. "What?"

"Why didnīt you tell me where you were? Why didnīt you at least contact me to tell you were all right?"

A pensive, troubled, slightly confused expression appeared on her face and her brow furrowed before she spoke slowly, giving me the impression that the words were barely thoughts before she uttered them, "I was afraid… how… how you would react. I knew that… that you would be angry and I didnīt know how to deal with that…"

"So you took the easy way out?" I commented, trying not to sound too sarcastic, but the anger I had believed more or less gone had begun to simmer and by the way Terri squirmed I could tell she knew it, too. "Let your brother do the dirty work for you?"

"No!" Anger flared in her eyes as they narrowed rapidly. "I never asked Alan to do anything, I never told him to interfere, he did that all by himself. In fact," she rose so quickly the chair almost toppled over, her voice growing hard, "that happens all the time, people make decisions over my head, think they know whatīs best for me. Alan, my parents, Nicola, even you!" Icy cold blue eyes bored into mine. "You come over here and donīt care whether I want you to or not, you donīt even ask me, but just announce your intentions and expect me to accept that and be happy about it."

I stared at her, rendered speechless by her outburst. Then my own anger suddenly flared and I felt adrenaline rush through me as my body prepared itself for the imminent confrontation, but then something happened and a strange, tired indifference came over me, chasing all other feelings away. "If thatīs how you really feel," I spoke very quietly, rising from the chair, "then we have nothing left to talk about, thereīs no point."

In a cool and frightfully nonchalant manner that surprised even myself, I swallowed the rest of my tea, put the cup back down on the table and spoke in a calm but firm tone, "Iīll go pack my things and be on my way. I shanīt bother you anymore. Goodbye, Terri."

I could see the shock in her eyes as I walked past her and knew she was just as stunned by the development as I, but I was wrapped up in my own hurt and couldnīt bring myself to care. She was the one who had brought this on, she was the one who had turned this into a disaster and now she would have to live with the consequences.

As I quickly closed the door behind me to escape the gaze burning into my back, I suddenly realized that she wasnīt the only one who would have to live with the consequences.

When I exited the room, Terri was gone, just as I had expected she would be. Taking a moment to write a small note to Jenny and Alan thanking them for their hospitality, I went outside and with heavy steps began to walk down the pavement towards the nearest Underground. I was halfway there, my eyes absently taking in the sight of St. Paulīs Cathedral towering at the end of the street, when I heard running footsteps behind me. Without turning around, or even slowing down, I continued until my path was blocked by Terri abruptly cutting in in front of me.

"Sarah!" she gasped, trying to catch her breath. "Where are you going?"

I looked at her, my feelings alternating wildly between anger and hopelessness, then I just shook my head slowly and walked around her, speaking over my shoulder, "Iīm going home, Terri, I told you I would as soon as a few things had been cleared up. And now they have."

"But…" She remained standing where she was for a second, then quickly caught up with me again, coming to walk beside me. "Look, Sarah, Iīm really sorry about what I said, I didnīt mean it like that. I was just in a bad mood. Please come back to the apartment with me, we still have a lot to talk about."

I paused mid step, giving her an incredulous look, "Now you want to talk? Gee, Terri, are you sure youīre feeling all right?"

Without waiting for an answer I picked up my pace and resumed my walk to the Underground. However, the Fates werenīt on my side that day and at the next traffic lights I had to wait, giving Terri plenty of opportunity to reach me again, even putting her hand on my shoulder to hold me back should the lights change before she was done.

"Sarah, please…" she spoke behind me, standing so close I could feel the heat from her body. "Iīm sorry for the way Iīve acted, for all Iīve done. Please donīt go yet, give me a chance to make it up to you."

In spite of all my good intentions and set mind, her softly spoken words brought tears to my eyes as the hurt inside me increased tenfold. I forced myself to keep staring straight ahead, ignoring all the curious looks from people walking past us, knowing that if I turned around I wouldnīt be able to walk away.

"Itīs too late, Terri."

"But I love you!" she objected almost petulantly, the grip on my shoulder tightening ever so slightly. "And you love me, at least thatīs what youīve said, but maybe that was just a lie."

That did it. Whatever Terri might have been able to achieve was lost now as the angry accusation in her voice tore through my heart, leaving it barren and cold. Turning around I met her eyes and spoke harshly, "This isnīt about love anymore, Terri, itīs about whatīs best for me. You know very well that I love you and I canīt believe you have the guts to suggest anything else. If it was-"

"But if you love me," Terri interrupted before I could finish my sentence, her eyes growing desperate as she began to realize that this time there wouldnīt be a happy outcome, "then why wonīt you give me a second chance? I know I screwed up, both when I left and this morning, but I promise I wonīt do it again. Please, Sarah, donīt go, I wonīt-"

"Terri," this time it was my turn to interrupt, "youīre missing the point." I reached up to the hand still clamped down on my shoulder and gently, but firmly removed it. "I know youīre sorry, I know that you mean it when you say that youīll never do anything like this again, but…" I faltered, but then continued, the words nearly falling over each other in their hurry to leave my lips, "Terri, youīre not good for me. I love you, but I canīt be with you anymore. I know you love me, but I canīt do this. I… I donīt know, maybe I need more stability, less second-guessing."

"I can change!" Terriīs hands moved restlessly as though she didnīt know what to do with them. "Iīll be different from now on."

I looked into the beautiful blue eyes I loved so much, my chest feeling like it was about to explode from the pressure inside it. Clearing my throat, I spoke hoarsely, having to use all my strength not to look away, but knowing I owed her that much, "Terri, how can I make you understand… itīs over. I donīt want you in my life anymore, it hurts too much. And I donīt…" I swallowed, my heart beating so frantically I was afraid it would burst, my already feeble voice fading away as I spoke the last few words, "I donīt want you… not anymore…"

Terri took a step back as if there had been a physical force in my last statement, her eyes wide open in shock and her face draining of all colour. "You… you donīt mean that… You canīt mean that, youīre different…"

"Iīm sorry, Terri," I choked out, fully aware that I had lost the battle and tears were running down my face. "But thatīs how itīs going to be, Iīm not going to change my mind. Iīm sorry." I spun around and ran away as fast as I could, incapable of looking at her for a moment longer. But as I fled, stumbling over streets and curbs, I knew, without a doubt, that I would never be able to forget the look of pain and despair I had seen in her eyes.

And the betrayal.

How the journey home was I donīt recall. At the time I hardly remembered anything except the final scene with Terri on a cold and wet March day with one of the biggest cathedrals in the world as our silent and dispassionate witness. The only reason why I managed to stay composed and calm in the plane and on the ride home in a cab was that I didnīt have the strength to cry. Or maybe I just didnīt have any tears left to shed.

By the time I locked myself into my apartment I was so exhausted and numb that I just let the bag slip from my fingers, barely making it to the couch where I fell down, curling up like a wounded animal. How long I lay like that I donīt know, but the living room had become dark and cold before I slowly sat up, bringing my aching body into the bathroom. I turned on the hot water as high as it would go and spent a minute watching the water flow furiously from the showerhead, steam rapidly filling the cabinet shower. Then, fully clothed, I stepped inside, the instant pain from the scalding water hitting my senses like a steamroller and washing the numbness away. Just as the pain became unbearable, I added the cold water, then sank down to the bottom of the shower, wrapping my arms around myself and starting to cry quietly.

Three hours later, Paige came knocking on my door. Or maybe banging is more accurately. And she didnīt relent until I had dragged myself over and let her in. One look at my face told her all she needed to know and without a word she opened her arms, and I gratefully accepted the invitation, burying my face in her shoulder.

"Shh… hon, itīs okay… itīs okay," Paige cooed softly as she stroked my back. "Just let it out."

"Itīs over," I managed to squeeze out between sobs, my voice sounding like a strangerīs. "I told her I couldnīt do it anymore, I told her I didnīt want her in my life."

Paige only nodded, apparently fully capable of deciphering my rushed and frantic speech. As my crying started to cease, she gently led me over to the couch, pulling me down to sit beside her. Putting an arm around me, she reached into her pocket with the other and pulled out a couple of Kleenex, handing me one.

"Thanks," I said, smiling through tears. "Youīre a lifesaver."

Paige smiled faintly in return, commenting softly as she resumed the stroking of my back, "I seem to remember you doing the same for me on several occasions, itīs about time I return the favour."

"Yeah, well," I wiped my eyes, slowly starting to get my emotions under control. "This is one favour I could have done without. No offence," I smiled at her. "None taken," she returned my smile, giving me a fresh Kleenex. "This isnīt exactly something Iīve been counting the days to get to do. I always hoped itīd never be necessary."

"I should have listened to you, you saw it coming all along, but I was too blind! And too damn stupid!" Abruptly I rose from the couch, walking out into the kitchen.

"You werenīt stupid, Sarah, or blind," Paige spoke wearily from the living room as I opened the fridge to take out a bottle of wine. "You were in love and wanted things to work out."

Her words made me pause, then I put the bottle down on the counter and walked over to stand in the kitchen door. Meeting Paigeīs questioning gaze, I said quietly, "Iīm still in love, Paige."

She smiled sadly, suddenly looking a lot older than her thirty-two years, "I know, sweetie, trust me, I know."

"It hurts so much…" The hitch in my voice and moistening of my eyes were more than enough to tell Paige that I needed another hug, and she quickly got to her feet and walked over to put her arms around me. "I donīt know what to do," I whispered into her hair. "I hurt so much… I miss her… I donīt want it to be over."

"I know, I know…" Paige listened patiently to my ramblings until I had calmed down, then asked softly, "How did Terri take it?"

I sniffed a little, leaning back to see her face, "Not well. She was pretty upset."

"What did she say?"

"Well, she didnīt really have time to say anything," I spoke dryly, gently easing myself out of Paigeīs embrace to return to the kitchen. "Because I turned on my heels and fled like a coward the second I had told her."

"You-" Paige stopped herself, watching in silence as I walked past her to the couch, bringing the wine and two glasses. She continued to watch as I poured us each a glass of wine, then spoke thoughtfully, "Thatīs not like you, Sarah, youīre one of the bravest people I know."

I smiled bitterly to no one in particular, taking a small sip of the wine, "Maybe… just not this time. This time I bailed out."

"The way Terri usually does…?"

"Yeah…" The smile was gone, but the bitterness was still evident in my voice. "I guess for once I beat her to it…"

Paige sighed deeply, then came over to sit down beside me. Taking her glass, she emptied it in one big gulp, then poured herself another. Leaning back in the couch, she studied me for a moment then said, "I know it hurts right now, Sarah, and I know this isnīt what you want to hear, but itīll pass. Itīll get worse and then itīll get better. And…" She hesitated, then concluded gently, "And maybe itīs for the best. Maybe itīs good it ended before it got any worse."

I let out a humourless laugh, "I think itīs a little late for that, Paige, I donīt think it can get any worse than this."

Paige was about to respond, but was interrupted by the ringing of the phone. We both looked at each other, then at our watches. It was long past midnight. The prospect of talking with anybody now was more than I could bear and Paige, recognizing the reluctance on my face, got to her feet and went over to answer it.

"If itīs Terri," I spoke quickly before she raised the receiver to her ear, "tell her Iīm sleeping - no wait…" I interrupted myself, not wanting Paige to lie and knowing that Terri would see right through it anyway. "Just tell her that I donīt want to talk to her. Not tonight."

Paige nodded, then spoke into the phone, "Hello? No, Iīm sorry she canīt come to the phone right now…"

Whoever was on the other end apparently wasnīt going to take no for an answer and Paige was silent for a very long time, listening. Then slowly she covered the mouthpiece with her hand and turned around to look at me, the expression on her face very odd. "Sarah," she said quietly, holding the receiver out towards me. "I think you should take this call after all."

"Why?" I rose uncertainly, puzzled and alarmed by the sound of her voice. "Who is it?"

"Itīs… itīs Terriīs brother." Paige was staring intensely at the receiver, looking like she could drop it any second.

"Alan?" I took a step forward, conflicting emotions running through me. "What does he want?"

"Itīs about Terri, sheīs in the hospital."

"The hospital?" I stared at Paige in confusion, not having expected that answer at all and unsure what to do. "Why?"

Paige raised her head a little, meeting my eyes again, then said quietly, "Terriīs in the intensive care unit, Sarah… She… she tried to kill herself. If it hadnīt been for her brother she would have succeeded…"

Continued in Part 7.