Author's Note: So far I have written this story in episodes and only posted them on my own site, but since I occasionally have had problems with it, I decided to post this story other places as well. However, here Iīll wait until I have material enough for 5 episodes before posting, so if you think itīs too long between updates, check out my own site where Iīm posting an episode as soon as itīs been written. Which doesnīt mean it canīt take some time now and then, I might add. <s> Before I forget, thereīll be both sex and hurt feelings in this one.
Comments are welcome at: dayze11@hotmail.com
Copyright (c) 1999 by Day
NOTE: This episode hasnīt been beta read yet, so proceed with caution. ;-)
Standing in the crowd of people in the airport all waiting to – hopefully – see their suitcases and rucksacks slowly slide by it was easy to tell who had been on holiday where. Most of them were extremely tan compared to me. Dublin was nice, but didnīt exactly have that much sun, and some arrivals had unusually blondish hair whitened by the sun and then of course there were a few fashion victims wearing clothes you really shouldnīt be wearing once you had returned to civilization. Not that I cared, I was fully occupied thinking of other matters. And then I was so very, very tired. Or maybe it was my mind that was tired, it was hard to tell since it had been too long since I had last had a few decent hours of sleep and my perception of the world around appeared to be getting more blurred by the minute.
When at last my suitcase appeared, as one of the very last Iīm convinced, I pulled it to me with a tired sigh and headed for the exit, hoping to see Paige who had promised to pick me up. She was easy to spot, standing below the clock as we had arranged, chatting to two young men half her age. They were telling her something about certain types of waves when I arrived and she quickly shooed them off, walking over to give me a hug.
“Welcome back, hon! Did you have fun? Not that I can imagine that you would have too much fun without me.”
“God forbid,” I grinned, returning her hug. “I missed you terribly every single day. If the trip had lasted much longer I was sure to have become fully depressed and lonely without your charming self to entertain me.”
“Good,” Paige smiled, despite my objections taking the suitcase from my hand, “thatīs what I thought.”
I was surprised to learn that we werenīt going to use Paigeīs car and go by taxi instead, but decided not to press the matter when Paige, looking away and barely audibly, mumbled something about the parking spaces at our local shopping centre having become a lot smaller and a lot closer to the wall than good was.
“So…” Paige made herself comfortable in the backseat, looking at me expectantly. “How was it? And how come I only got one lousy postcard saying the weather was fine? What was so exciting you couldnīt stop to write me about it? The beer?” She leaned slightly closer, whispering overly dramatically while glancing at our driver who was listening to the radio and seemed oblivious to our presence, “The women?”
I smiled a little nervously, hoping to appear mysterious knowing it wouldnīt work on Paige, “Maybe, maybe not…”
“Hmm…” Paige looked at me searchingly, clearly intrigued and her eyes full of humour and I could tell she was setting herself up for questioning me about every little detail that may or may not have taken place. But then suddenly, and I still donīt know how or why, her brow furrowed and she tilted her head just an inch, now staring at me very closely, “Sarah, is… is there something you want to tell me?”
I met her eyes, sighing inwardly before I spoke softly, “You know me too well.”
“Of course I do,” Paige responded matter-of-factly as if I had just informed her that her eyes were brown. “But thatīs not what I was asking.”
“No, it wasnīt,” I replied, more to myself than her. Then, turning my head to look out of the window because I wasnīt completely sure I wanted to see the next expression on her face, I said quietly, “I ran into Terri in Dublin.”
At first the silence was deafening despite the sound of both the traffic around us and the radio screaming out “Hotel California”, then Paige cleared her throat, “I see… And?”
“And…” I looked back at her, not too surprised to see that her face wasnīt really showing anything at all, she would save that for the grand finale. Searching for words, the best I could come up with was obviously terribly inadequate, “We… we hung out.”
Paige stared at me for a moment before inquiring with a light note of sarcasm in her voice, “Well, since itīs been a while since I attended high school, Sarah, I would appreciate it if you would clarify to “hang out” for me.”
This time sighing out loud, I leaned back in the seat, crossed my arms and stated wearily, “It means exactly what you think it does. It means I ran into Terri again and we spent some time together catching up and reminiscing. It was nice, it was good seeing her again and…”
“And?” Paige nearly jumped onto the word before I had finished the sentence.
“And sheīll be coming to see me in two weeksī time.”
And that was pretty much the end of that conversation and the rest of the ride home was spent in silence with Paige squinting at me, alternating between an accusing and questioning stare sent my way, probably trying to decide whether I had suddenly become masochistic or just sadly misguided. Or just lost my mind. Or perhaps all three options. And parts of me were inclined to agree with her.
It had been a long talk, an emotional talk, not to mention, a tough talk.
It had been so tempting to give in and think to hell with the consequences, but I couldnīt do that and I knew it. The problem wasnīt that I doubted Terriīs love for me, I didnīt, I never really had. Nor was the problem that I questioned my own love for her, I had never really had any doubts there either. No the problem was that I feared it wasnīt enough. That the past history between us, our present lives and all the future obstacles bound to come our way would make this end up in disaster. And frankly I didnīt need that again.
Basically, I guess I was scared. Scared of losing control again, scared of feeling helpless and hurt, scared of Terri doing something that would result in her finally making me unable to forgive her. She kept ensuring she had changed, and I believed her. But just as strong as that belief, if not stronger, were the vivid memories of the anger and frustration she had brought into my life seven years ago. The overwhelming and also so exhausting anger rushing through me when once again she had bailed out of an argument or awkward situation, leaving me to pace my apartment floor for hours in a state of restless distress or helpless anger. An anger it had been so very hard for me to free myself from and could still feel deep inside even long after a particular argument had been over and allegedly solved. I hated myself for it, but had never been able to help feeling somewhat restricted, unable to fully unleash my anger on the person who had caused it, always fearing that if I did I would never see Terri again.
Itīs neither very productive for a relationship nor very promising for its future success when you fear that a wrong word or comment, even if justified, will make you lose the one person you love more than anything. It builds up resentment whether you want it to happen or not, and I realized that back then, of course I did, but didnīt know what to do about it. Or maybe I was just too weak.
I also recalled, only too well, the maddening frustration – and worry – I felt every time I didnīt know where she was or I couldnīt reach her. Whether that happened to be in the literal or more figurative sense didnīt make much of a difference. All this had never been something unforgivable, something we couldnīt recover from, but all these little incidents had left their small, stinging mark. And there had been moments, looking into Terriīs anxious eyes that night in Dublin, when that had been all I could feel and remember.
I knew Terri had never meant to intentionally hurt me. Most of if had been caused by thoughtlessness or ignorance, her youth, and knowing that had enabled me to explain it to myself, rationalize every little new situation in my mind, but it very seldom diminished the pain felt.
It had made it hard for me to love Terri sometimes, and I told her that. Told her that it had put my feelings for her under a lot of strain and there had been times when I thought irrevocably damage had been done. That struck. After that she was silent for a long time and she was noticeably subdued and perplexed for the rest of the night. Nevertheless, after appearing to have digested what I just said, she continued her gentle, if still insistent, argumentation, trying to persuade me in her own unique blend of half thought through thoughts and disorganized but seemingly always heartfelt assurances of love.
Much later, when everything more or less had been said, Terri had been sitting on the edge of the bed, watching me sprawled across the rest of the surface. I was staring intently at the ceiling, wanting nothing more than to close my eyes and get some much needed sleep, but feeling Terriīs gaze on me I turned my head to meet her eyes, giving her a small smile, “If you intended to wear me down, you succeeded.”
Terri smiled absently in return, running a hand through her hair, her gaze already on the way away from mine, “Yeah well, it wasnīt quite the way I had in mind, but I guess beggars canīt be choosers.”
“Hey…” Gathering what was left of my strength, I reached out and grabbed hold of her sleeve, tugging lightly, “Donīt sound so sad, I didnīt say your efforts were in vain, did I?”
“No…” Terri let out a low breath, staring at my hand refusing to let go off her arm. “Iīm just tired. I guess I thought it would be easier… or at least not take so long.” She gestured at the black alarm clock placed on the nightstand; it was showing 4:47 a.m. She grinned wearily, “You always liked talking too much, canīt believe I forgot that.”
“Yeah right,” I responded dryly, throwing a pillow at her. “Like I have been doing much of the talking for the last hours, which is only fair by the way, and besides, itīs you who are desperate to get back together with me, not the other way round.”
For about a second there was no reaction, then Terri abruptly rose from the bed and walked over to the window. “Terri?” I sat up halfway, worry and annoyance racing through me as I stared at her back. “What-”
“Now, if I were a little more sensitive… a little too sensitive…” Terri spoke slowly, turning around to look at me, a badly suppressed grin spreading on her face, “I might have taken what you just said the wrong way. Thank God…” She made a vague but nonetheless somewhat “imperial” gesture in the air with her hand, “That Iīm not… Any more…”
She regarded me expectantly, now grinning openly and obviously very pleased with herself and her little prank. As well as, I assume, the confirmation that she could still get to me just like that even when I had just spent hours convincing myself, and her, otherwise. I decided not to dignify her terribly immature joke with a reply and just threw the remaining pillows on the bed at her, none too gently.
“Does that mean Iīm sleeping on the floor?”
The first couple of days after my return from Dublin, Paige and I were both tied up in work and thus I had a welcome, if only temporary, calm before the storm I knew was brewing and heading my way. Paige was not happy about my decision to see Terri again, and she finally decided to tell me so Saturday night, fuelled by far too much wine and a sudden dislike of love, life and the world in general. She would get like that sometimes, and still does, but usually we would team up together, spending a few pleasant hours discussing and analysing everything and everybody we knew, or didnīt for that matter, but this time she directed all her ammunition at me. And knowing me so well, she knew where it hurt. I managed to stop her before it got too nasty and before I became too angry to remember she was drunk and currently suffering from a slightly bruised heart herself. A man she was seeing had conveniently forgotten to tell her he was married with two kids and a baby on the way, and she hadnīt realized until a week or so ago when his wife suddenly called.
However, I wasnīt going to let Paigeīs own bad luck and serious misgivings about Terri, and her countless but amazingly varied versions of, “get this nonsense out of your head, and you really should know better by now, Sarah” make me start doubting. Mainly because I already had enough doubts and misgivings of my own and they grew steadily every day as the memory of Dublin, and the Terri I had met there, began to fade in the all too unpleasant light of reality. It wasnīt like I was very good with reality in the first place.
At one point, just as Paige had started to become really insistent, the phone rang and she had to shut up but not without giving the phone an evil look as though it had done it on purpose. Picking up, I smirked at her, but instantly forgot about Paige when I heard the familiar voice at the other end, “Hi, itīs me.”
“Hi, Terri,” I answered, remembering Paige long enough to give her a slightly smug look. “We were just talking about you.”
“Oh…” The information didnīt seem to make much impact and from the sound of her voice I could tell she was distracted by something. “Look, Sarah, I know I said I would come see you next week, but somethingīs come up. Iīve got some obligations here I canīt cancel. I hope thatīs okay?”
Paige, who in the meantime had resisted the great temptation to move closer to be able to catch both ends of the conversation, now only needed to take a look at my face to guess what Terri was calling to say. Pointedly turning my back to her, I heard her remarking quietly, probably more to herself than me, “Blowing you off again, is she? Now, thereīs a shocker.”
I purposely overheard the comment, speaking into the phone, “So when will you be able to come?”
“Well… um…” Again the distraction in Terriīs voice was evident and suddenly I detected the faint sound of a mumbled female voice in the background. “Iīm not really sure… Caroline says it may drag out for a few weeks so Iīd rather not give you a specific date if you donīt mind. Canīt I just call you when I have the time and hear if youīre available?”
I stared at the wall in front of me for a moment, breathing quietly as my gaze slowly moved past a floral print and a few framed pictures, disinterestedly taking in the details, and then I heard myself say, “No, Terri, I donīt think you can.” And then I – very calmly - hung up.
Just as calmly I returned to the couch and without a word poured myself a glass of wine, emptying it in one session with a concerned looking Paige watching every swallow intently.
“Did she call to say what I think she did?”
“More or less, “ I shrugged, leaning back in the couch to look up at the ceiling.
Paige moved over to sit closely next to me, handing me her own half-filled glass which I promptly emptied. “Do you want to talk about it?” The sudden kindness in her voice surprised me a little after the hard time she had just given me, but then again, when it really mattered, Paige had always been there for me. Whether she agreed with what I was doing or not.
I sighed, closing my eyes. I wasnīt really certain what I wanted. “Not really. I think I have talked enough about this to last me a lifetime.” I sighed again, then turned my head to look at her and spoke quietly, “I guess some things just arenīt meant to be and this is one of them. I think itīs about time I realize that.”
Paige looked at me for a moment, searching my face, then she said almost awkwardly as she slowly reached out to touch my cheek, “Youīre crying.”
“No, Iīm not,” I sniffled, wiping my eyes. “Itīs a trick of the light.”
Paige didnīt respond and just gave me a hug.
Getting up the next day was hell, not just because I wasnīt exactly feeling peachy emotionally, but because I was suffering from the worst hangover North of the Equator and the sight of empty bottles scattered all over the living room was enough to make me run for the bathroom. It was Paigeīs fault of course, insisting that we taste the whiskey I had bought her while in Dublin. I had been reluctant at first, but after the initial disgust I had been forced to admit she was right. Whiskey did taste less dreadfully the more you drank. However, that recollection only made my stomach turn again as I stared in despair down into the toilet, trying to persuade myself the room wasnīt actually capable of spinning. My only comfort in all this was that judging from the colour of Paigeīs face when getting into the taxi last night, she would be feeling just as lousy as myself. If not worse. And somehow, that cheered me up a little. Not enough to prevent me from going straight back to bed after the worst of the nausea was over though.
But I wasnīt allowed to die in peace that day. Less than half an hour after my first trip into the bathroom, the doorbell rang. The sound, albeit muted through the closed bedroom door, cut through my aching head like a rusty blade and I moaned out loud. I valiantly tried to ignore it, both the chiming and the pain it caused in my head, but after the fourth ring I had no patience left and with a somewhat murderous glint in my eye, dragged myself out of bed to the door.
Dizzy, hung over and mad as hell, I roughly threw the door open, staring straight at Terri whose left eyebrow arched slightly at the sight before her. Regarding her for less than a second, I asked hoarsely, the question sounding more like a demand, “What do you want?”
Terri blinked quickly in surprise, the expression on her face changing from bemusement to puzzlement and back again. “Um…” she hesitated, shifting on her feet. “I was just…” She paused again, tilting her head as she stared at me searchingly, “Are you feeling all right?”
“No,” was all I managed to reply, then I spun on my heels and raced for the bathroom.
This time was the absolute worse yet as my stomach for some sadistic reason still thought it necessary for me to throw up when there was absolutely nothing left and no imminent relief to be found. In my misery, I had completely forgotten about leaving Terri on my doorstep and it wasnīt until I felt a cool cloth on my forehead and an arm slipping around my back that I remembered. Using the cloth to brush the hair away from my eyes and her other arm to keep me steady, Terri knelt patiently beside me until the nausea had receded.
Raising my aching head, that now felt like it had several jackhammers going at it in there, I looked at Terri who gave me a small inscrutable smile, inquiring softly, “Paige was here last night?”
I was about to nod, but instantly regretted it and instead whispered pitifully, “Yes. She wanted to teach me how to drink whiskey.”
“Well, evidently she was successful,” Terri replied noncommittally, but I thought I could detect just the slightest hint of amusement in her voice. “Okay, letīs get you back to bed. You look like you could need it.”
I had no objections whatsoever so after squeezing a few drops of water down my burning throat, I let her help me back to bed. Not that I really needed any help, but it was nice to have someone to lean on for a change and with the way I was feeling I could have been leaning on the devil himself for all I would care. Although to be honest it was probably nicer to have Terri sitting on the edge of the bed watching me settle in than the devil, and before I could stop myself I heard myself say, “Iīm glad youīre here.”
Terri only smiled, then rose, “Iīll get you some aspirin, donīt go anywhere.”
“As if I wanted to,” I groaned into the pillow. “As if I could.”
Absently hearing Terri move around in the bathroom, it struck me there was something strange about the situation, something I needed to ask her, but my thoughts were too muddled and the rest of me too tired find out what it was and before I knew what was happening, I was asleep.
When I awoke the second time it was already early evening and I was surprised that I had managed to sleep for so long without interruption, but apparently I must have needed it. Sitting up carefully, my gaze fell on a glass of water and a couple of tablets on the night table beside me, but after a few seconds of consideration I came to the conclusion that I didnīt really need the painkillers any more. My head wasnīt quite back to normal, but the vague pounding in there wasnīt something a bit of fresh air couldnīt cure and right now I was more interested in finding out what had become of Terri. And as I got out of bed and put on a robe, I was surprised to feel the tiniest pang of panic inside by the thought she might have left. As much as I had wished never to lay eyes on her again the night before, now there was no one else I rather wanted to see.
“Youīre fucking hopeless, you know that,” I mumbled under my breath to myself, gingerly taking a step towards the living room and relieved to find the earth had stopped moving. “You just canīt help yourself, can you? Itīs sad really.”
Shutting up as I reached the living room door – I didnīt want Terri to think me crazy if she was still there – I nonchalantly took a look around inside, crushing disappointment hitting me when she was nowhere to be seen. I didnīt really know what I had expected until that moment, or wanted for that matter, but the sudden lump in my throat was a clear indication that I wasnīt quite as indifferent about the entire situation as I had made myself believe.
I resisted the temptation to rush into the kitchen to see if she was somehow hiding in there and instead stood motionlessly in the doorway, suddenly incapable of deciding what to do next. I donīt know for how long I stood there, staring at nothing while all sorts of thoughts and emotions ran through me, probably not that long but it felt like days, and by the time I finally managed to tear myself loose it was dusk outside and my headache had returned. Without really making a conscious decision, I was about to head back into the bedroom to take the tablets when a faint sound caught my attention. Standing absolutely still for one more second, I suddenly stepped into the living room, walked directly to the couch, hesitated, and then threw a look down. Terri was lying curled up on her side, partly covered by a blanket and completely hidden by the back of the couch from my previous position at the door. She was sound asleep, her breathing barely making a sound.
Not sure whether to laugh or cry, I had the feeling the strangest grimace was showing on my face as I looked at her. But before I could decide on what to feel, Terri moved – almost as though she could sense someone looking at her – and shortly afterwards her eyes fluttered open.
“Oh hi…” she spoke with a yawn, then cleared her throat. “You feeling better?”
I had no answer for her because I wasnīt thinking about that at all, and after a moment of silence I asked quietly, “Why are you here, Terri?”
She pulled herself up into a sitting position, looking confused, “Well, I didnīt want to leave you alone when you were feeling like that. I thought you might need more assistance in the bathroom later on.” She grinned slightly, but the grin faded when she didnīt get a response.
“Thatīs not what I asked,” I spoke with sigh, perching myself on the couchīs armrest. “What are you doing here? I thought you had obligations in London?”
Terri looked away, but not fast enough for me to miss the expression on her face. If I wasnīt quite mistaken, she was feeling embarrassed. “Well…” she fiddled with the blanket and was silent for few moments, then I could almost see her shrug mentally and she looked back at me. “Actually no… I didnīt have any obligations in London. I was here when I called you.”
“I donīt understand.” I stared at her. “You were here?”
“Yeah…” this time she shrugged for real. “I was staying with Nicola. I wanted to surprise you, I was going to pretend I couldnīt make it and then show up unexpectedly.” She attempted a weak smile. “I thought it would be fun.”
“Fun?” was nearly all I could say as I stared at her in disbelief. “You thought it would be fun?”
“Well… yeah…” she said a little defensively, her fingers fiddling with the blanket again. “As I said I wanted to surprise you, but when I spoke to you last night I realized that maybe it wasnīt such a good idea after all. I mean, I could tell you were a bit upset, so I thought Iīd better come see you right away to straighten things out.”
“Terri… Terri, you…” I began, but words failed me and I could only shake my head slowly.
“Well, at least you were surprised.”
And then, finally, I had made up my mind whether to laugh and cry and did
just that; laughed out loud with a very startled Terri watching me suspiciously.