I sit here again looking out the window as I have been doing for weeks now. I am thinking back to my life and the way I wanted it to be and to the way it actually was. I am still not a lawyer or a veterinarian. No. What I am is a mother and now a writer.
I look back at how depressed my life was such a short time ago. I thought my life was over, this is it. I did what my family wanted me to do. I became the best wife and mother that I knew how to be. I lived my life for them and not me because that was the way I was taught to do. I was always told to make sure I did everything my husband wanted to do and forego my own needs. My family came first, they were to always be my first priority. They are my life now. In essence, I was made to believe that all of my joy would come from supplying their needs. My parents never told me that in doing this I would have to deny myself. That I would lose me.
As time wore on, I forgot who I was and who I had always wanted to become. I once had dreams and aspirations. Now, I no longer dream. I no longer hope. After my children grew up and moved on, I didn't know what to do. Was the rest of my life going to be an endless cycle of waiting on my husband, acting as his slave?
I felt my life was over. That there was nothing more I could offer, to anyone. Not even me.
Then it happened. I didn't plan it. I met the most important person in my life and she taught me to start thinking for myself again. I grew to believe that I was valuable and that my wants and desires were valid. She made me realize that I had a reason to live. I started taking control of my life and began making changes. It was not easy, for the lessons I learned so long ago stayed firm. It felt as if for every step I took, I slid back two. It took time, and wasn't easy. It was painful and many tears were shed. I didn't wake up just one morning and decide today is the day for the rest of my life. I didn't decide today I am going to change it. No, it took time, one day at a time, step by step. There was much heartache involved in trying to get my life back. It was not easy but I did it. Finally, I reached a point where I was free to be myself.
I decided that I would no longer live my life for another. I would not lose my soul or life trying to cater to another human being. I learned that life, even mine, is too precious to give up for another. I am no longer with my husband. We parted our ways. I made an honest effort to find myself with him but he didn't like the changes or the fact I started thinking for myself. He wanted things to remain as they were.
He didn't want a wife, a partner. He wanted a slave. He wanted someone he could call the little woman, someone he could blame and abuse for his misgivings. He wanted someone he could rule over and he wanted to leave me no other choices. He wanted me to feel I had to do it or else I would end up with nothing. However, my special person helped me and became the love of my life. With her, I learned I can be myself. I don't have to ever give up any part of myself in order to have that love returned.
Finding someone else was as much as a shock to me as anything. I was not looking for someone else. It was not planed. It is something that just happened. I was always the good wife and never strayed or looked at another. I never would have thought there would have been any feelings left to even give to anyone else. It started out so innocent. Believe me it did. I was not a person that would cheat on my husband no matter how bad things got. I was taught to always be the good wife no matter what. My feelings never counted. This was not planned. I just needed to have something for myself or I know I would have gone crazy.
So each evening when my husband was at work I would sign into the computer. At first it was just playing games. Then, I looked around and found chat rooms where others like me would gather to talk. It was not much. I mostly stayed in the background. It was something of my own, something that was just for me. I was not obligated to share this time with anyone. I wasn't being told by anyone in this chat room that I was not good enough to be there.
Then it happened. I started chatting with just one-person time after time. It got to where we were not in the chat room at all but in a private chat by ourselves. I will just call her, my special person, only because I do not want to give up any part of her too anyone else by saying her name. She told me I was not just a wife and mother of my husband's children. She let me know time and time again that I was someone, that I as an individual, I mattered. She emphasized that I had a right to think for myself and a right to want happiness in my life.
I learned I did not have to live my life through someone else. I needed to be myself and to live my life for me. It took time, oh God did it take time, to finally get me to understand what she was saying. It took even longer to start believing it. But, I finally did. Little by little, I started feeling and living again. I started dreaming again. I dreamed about becoming the person I knew I could become. I dreamed about living my life over again, but this time for me.
So here I sit. Still looking out of the window but no longer do I have a sense of dread or despair. Now I have a sense of happiness, true happiness. I am waiting for my special person to come home to me. I learned I am someone. I am a person that has the right to be herself and not feel guilty about it. I learned I can be a good mother and lover without losing myself, without having to bury myself and become what others want me to be. I have learned I am me, mother, lover and yes, now writer. I am me, a person who has only began to live again. For I am not living my life through others anymore, I am finally living my life for me.