"Thank you for meeting me here."

I keep my life busy or maybe life keeps me busy, either way it's as it is.

"I gave you my number for a reason."

Sometimes I could use a kindred spirit too. Sometimes I need the company of a person who understands.

"Now that I have you here, it's funny but I really don't know what to say."

Words can only be words, but sometimes they really mean something and sometimes they don't.

"Let's not say anything. Let's just sit here and drink our coffee knowing that what's not being said is already understood."

It's hard to feel completely comfortable these days. The opportunities should be taken when presented.

"That sounds fantastic."

It's just a little bit of peace in an otherwise chaotic life.

***

"I don't know how to help you."

They say that the pain is supposed to ease over time. They say that things get easier. They say a lot of things.

"I never asked for your help."

They don't often say how much one event can change your life completely. They don't say that one thing can touch your entire family so deeply that it feels like you're drowning. They forget to mention that there's no door back to the life that existed before. They conveniently forget to mention that that door is shut forever.

"I see you falling apart in front of me. You're not the same person anymore. You seem so distant and cold."

It's funny how indifference to the small things in life can make me seem cold. It's hard to bounce back in the time allotted by those who are completely clueless.

"What do you expect me to do? What can I do to change anything? I have my life to live and I have to take care of my family. I don't have the luxury of stopping to have an emotional breakdown. I don't even want one. It won't make anything better."

I thought it would end with a service. I thought it would be better after I could get back to my life. I thought a lot of things that haven't come true.

"I feel so helpless around you. There's nothing I can offer you to make this better. You won't even talk to me anymore."

Talking doesn't really do anything. It's just conveying information to another so that they don't feel quite so bad about what's going on. So that they think talking is helping you. So that they think talking is more than just the passing of words.

"I'm tired of talking. I'm just telling you things so that you know my life is really hard right now, but that's something you knew before. I'm just sharing words with you that you'll never understand-that I never want you to understand."

It's a double edged sword sometimes. I want people to understand what this feeling inside me is. I want them to know just so that they understand and so that I'm not alone, but I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

"I don't know what to do."

Nobody does. No one ever knows what to do. I don't know what to do except to try and survive.

"I know. It's hard and I'm honest enough to realize that we won't survive this together."

I don't want to survive this together. I can't do it. I don't have time to wonder about how she feels and if I'm hurting her anymore. I can't keep up with it all. I'm tired of trying.

"I knew that when you said you needed time that you were going to break up with me. I just didn't want to hear the truth."

No one ever wants to hear the truth. They don't want to realize how cruel the truth can really be. It's a lot easier living a life of delusions. In the end it hurts less.

"From before and now, I've changed a whole lot. I have a lot different perspectives today than I did when we first got together and, I know we won't last."

It's amazing how quickly perspectives can actually change. It's possible to go to sleep one night thinking you're going to wake up the same person, but you don't. Instead, you have these unbelievably evil dreams. You dream of one sister dead and another dying. You dream of death.

"Okay."

Then, you wake up the next morning. You have to be to work on time. You have to integrate yourself back into the world and something inside of you has changed. Something inside you has become something entirely different.

There were a couple of changes I asked for and a thousand of them that I didn't. I don't have the strength to think too much about the changes I make now. I don't have the strength to do much, except to live and to continue living.

***

I try to remember the last time I saw her alive. I try to remember whether I was happy to see her or not.

I remember that we talked about Garth Brooks. I remember that we talked about my possible future. I remember that we stayed up late into the night and talked about our lives being better.

I remember her getting drunk.

I remember being angry.

But I remember her being alive.

Some things can't truly be buried until things are completely resolved, and nothing inside of me is resolved about her.

I'm still trying to figure out whether her death was her fault or not. I can't really decide.

It was her fault that she got in the situation she did.

But she wasn't the one that pulled the trigger.

It was her fault that she involved herself in drugs.

But she wasn't the one who took her own life.

It was her fault that she abused her own product.

But she wasn't the one who had the gun.

It was her fault that she lied to everyone.

But she didn't really want to die.

I don't know who pulled the trigger. I'll probably never know. I don't even know what happened. All I know is that the word on the street was that she got shot because she was involved with the wrong people. It all had something to do with drugs.

***

"I wasn't sure if you we were going to ever see each other again."

It's hard to keep in touch with everything and everyone. There are moments when I want nothing more than to reach out to everyone I've ever cared for and to tell them how much I care, but then there are moments soon after when reality sets in and I'm just too tired.

"I know it took a while, but there's no way I'm going to ignore you."

Some people are worth dealing with. Some are worth feeling for.

"Thanks for that. I feel like I say that a lot to you."

"Is there something wrong with that?"

"No. I guess I just feel it's unfair. I feel like you've helped me so much more than I've been able to help you. I feel like I've met my Spirit Guide in you."

It's a lot easier to help others than one might think. It's easy to connect with another person once the walls have already been broken.

"You know, I don't believe in coincidence-I can't after the time I've had. I think God probably had something in mind when we met on a day of death."

Now all I need to figure out is what exactly that is.