Part 12
Vulnerably Dangerous
Andy stood silently and watched as Miranda's car faded into traffic. She, Andy Sachs, had just had lunch with Miranda Priestly. She felt as if she was having an out of body experience. Miranda had been cordial and borderline friendly. It was almost as if Miranda was actually entertaining the idea of them becoming friends.
It all just seemed so impossibly unrealistic, and Andy had no idea how she should react. She had never considered what it would mean to be friends with Miranda. She wasn't even sure she wanted to be friends with Miranda, all she knew was that she wanted Miranda in her life because it felt...good to have Miranda around, even though Miranda made her hands sweat and made her want to fidget like a preschooler being asked to sit still.
Andy hadn't been lying when she had confessed to Miranda that she was scared of her. She never knew how Miranda would respond to something she said or did or wore. Miranda's blue eyes would turn to her and convey an entire paragraph of words even though her mouth never moved. Andy thought that it was a neat trick to watch, as long as Miranda's eyes no longer looked at her, because Andy didn't know how to handle the force of Miranda's glare now. Before, she would just do her best to not say anything stupid and would make a point to keep her eyes open and focused on Miranda.
Now, she was afraid that if she met Miranda's eyes for just a fraction too long then Miranda would see that Andy had somehow fallen in...to some kind of infatuation with her and she couldn't even imagine what Miranda's reaction to that would be. Although, Andy now realized that Miranda's reaction might surprise her. Miranda had certainly thrown her off kilter when she accepted the lunch invitation.
As soon as Andy had hung up the phone earlier that morning, she started hyperventilating and Aquarius had spent the better part of an hour trying to calm her down. Miranda had not only answered the phone, she had forced Andy to carry out a conversation about personal identity and happiness, and had for some obscure reason accepted a lunch invitation. Andy thought her reaction was appropriate since it had definitely been a freak out worthy moment.
Aquarius hadn't known what was going on, she still had no idea who Miranda even was, but she stayed by Andy's side reminding her that having lunch didn't have to mean anything more than eating food and talking about the weather.
"So." Aquarius's voice made Andy jump. "That was Miranda Priestly."
Andy's eyes broke away from the streets. "Yeah, that's Miranda."
Aquarius had agreed to ignore the no loitering signs and hung out waiting for Andy to finish lunch since Andy hadn't wanted to be left alone. She had passed the time by asking the manager about job openings and did her best to remain out of Miranda's line of sight. "She's...not what I expected."
"What were you expecting?"
Aquarius shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe twenty years younger, a little more approachable, and taller."
Andy smirked. "Taller?"
"Yeah, I mean every time someone says her name they say it like they're talking about someone ten feet tall. It's almost like her name should have a 'the' in front of it like: The Grand Canyon, it should be The Miranda Priestly."
"God," Andy laughed, "don't let Miranda hear you say that."
Aquarius scrunched up her brow. "When would I get a chance to say anything to her? I'm not the one who's playing the 'let's be friends' card so that I can get closer to her naked body."
"Aquarius!" Andy took a quick look around them, trying to see if anyone was paying attention to what either one of them were saying.
"I'm sorry, that was out of line," Aquarius softly apologized. "I shouldn't be talking about your girlfriend's naked body. That's disrespectful."
Andy's mouth fell open. "I can't believe you just said that."
"Well, I'm sure there's a part of me that can't believe that I said that either. So," Aquarius clapped her hands together, "when is your next friendly date?"
Andy shook her head. "This wasn't a date."
"Hey, whatever. I understand; I hyperventilate all the time before I go out and have lunch with my friends in a non-date-like capacity. " The small smile that had been covering Aquarius's face disappeared. "Just be careful okay, Andy?"
Andy sighed and rolled her eyes. "Now you're starting to sound like Lily."
"Good. Because I may not agree with how Lily is acting right now, but I'm not going to just dismiss the way she feels about this Miranda person."
"I'm not going to defend myself to you," Andy turned away from Aquarius.
Aquarius shoved her hands into the front pockets of her jeans. "Great, because I don't want you to defend yourself. All I'm sayin', and I'm only saying it because if I don't and you come back at me ten years from now asking me why I didn't say anything I can tell you that I did," she took a deep breath. "So, all I'm sayin' is that you should be careful because like two seconds ago you ended a relationship that lasted for, I don't know how many years, and granted, I know next to nothing about Miranda Priestly, but she looks dangerous and you look vulnerable." Her hands fell out of her pockets. "And I think it would probably be best if you were careful, because if you're not then you might lose any chance you have with the Cougar lady. So," her hand wiped at her face, "that's all I'm sayin'."
Andy stood blinking absently in front of Aquarius trying to translate the rush of words her friend's cousin had spoken. "Did you just call Miranda a Cougar?"
"Let me guess," Aquarius smiled. "I shouldn't let Miranda hear me say that either?"
Andy couldn't help but laugh. There was something about Aquarius that made Andy want to smile. Aquarius's hazel eyes didn't look at her like they were judging her. When Aquarius looked at her, Andy felt like Aquarius was just existing in the moment, never completely present but always engaged. She didn't remind Andy of Lily, not really. They didn't even look too physically similar. Aquarius was taller and skinnier, her skin was a shade lighter and her hair was longer. Lily had always said that Aquarius favored the sickeningly beautiful, talented, intelligent side of the family. Looking at Aquarius now, Andy had to agree with Lily. Aquarius wasn't like the geeky little kid Andy remembered that hardly spoke and always looked like she was trying to decipher the secrets to the universe between the moments she blinked her eyes.
Aquarius hadn't grown up in Cincinnati with Lily and her. Aquarius's mother had moved them to Atlanta after Aquarius's father had died, so she wasn't around very often and, when she had been, Andy hadn't spent a lot of time with her. Even when Aquarius had shown up to look at colleges in New York, Andy hadn't hung out with her. She and Nate had just gotten their first apartment and Andy was busy trying to find a job. She had been too busy to notice the kind of person Aquarius had grown up to be. And now, Andy was starting to regret having never stopped to take notice of the cousin Lily had always been so vocal about.
"Have you spoken to Lily?" Andy asked. She suddenly felt bad that Aquarius was following her around the city instead of spending time with Lily. She remembered that Aquarius's father had been Lily's favorite uncle, and that after his death Lily had become very overprotective of her cousin. She decided to take it as a good sign that Lily still trusted Andy enough to look after Aquarius, even though Aquarius was an adult and the only looking after she had needed was to be given a toothbrush and a clean t-shirt.
Aquarius nodded. "She's busy canceling the party."
"Is she still angry?"
"With me?" Aquarius pointed to herself. "Not so much. I think she's working her way into feeling remorse over the way she acted with you, though. She uh...offered to pick your parents up from the airport."
Despite knowing that there was going to be no engagement party, Andy's parents had decided to make the trip anyway. Andy hadn't talked to them, she let Aquarius make that phone call, but even if she had she was sure she couldn't have talked them out of coming. They were worried about her and wanted to make sure she was okay. Andy wasn't completely convinced that they weren't coming to talk her into rethinking her relationship with Nate.
They had always liked him, and Andy suspected they had been secretly relieved when she had started dating Nate. Her parents had been supportive of her previous relationship, but she knew they preferred she date men instead of women. They had never said it aloud, but Andy could just tell by the way they acted and the words they said that they rather she be with a man.
Andy sometimes wondered if Lily felt the same way her parents did, if that was the real reason Lily had always defended Nate even when Nate didn't need to be defended. Lily had always been open-minded, but she also had been raised in Ohio just like Andy had been. Neither of them had really been too exposed to gay or bisexual people growing up, and they hadn't ever really discussed Andy's own bisexuality. Lily had only ever said that she wanted Andy to be happy.
"Do you mind if I ask you something personal?" Andy asked.
Aquarius blew out a long breath. "Is this something I'm going to need to sit down for?"
"I don't know," Andy laughed softly. "I hope not."
"Okay." Aquarius nodded. "Then ask what you want."
"Does, does Lily have a...problem with my..." Andy rested her hand on her stomach. "Sexuality?"
Aquarius reached out and then rested her hand on Andy's shoulder. "That's something you need to talk to Lily about."
Andy's head bowed. "So that means she does."
"Hey," Aquarius's hand fell off of Andy's shoulder. "Lily loves you."
Andy raised her gaze and looked directly into Aquarius's eyes. "Do you have a problem with it?"
Aquarius held Andy's stare. "Does it really matter what I think?"
"I know..." Andy sighed. "I know it shouldn't."
"Let's head back to your place." Aquarius started walking. Once Andy caught up with her she looked over at her and started talking again. "You know my family, Andy. Our Faith is very important to us, and our Faith says the way you've chosen to live your life is a sin."
Andy stopped walking. "Are you serious?"
Aquarius turned around; she didn't look like she was making a joke. "I'm trying to explain something to you; so, please just listen, okay?"
"Fine." Andy began walking again and Aquarius joined her.
"If it makes you feel any better," Aquarius continued on after a few moments, "I don't believe that, but I do know that Lily does, at least a part of Lily does. I know that she wants you to be happy, but..." she shrugged helplessly.
"So, you don't have a problem with it?"
Aquarius shook her head. "No, I don't. I take after my mom in that way. She always butted heads with my dad's side of the family over religion and other...stuff."
"I um..." Andy cleared her throat. "I didn't know that."
"Yeah well," Aquarius rolled her eyes, "now you know why Mom never came with me to visit the family in Ohio, and why you've never met my stepfather or my baby sister."
"Oh my God." Andy's hand moved to cover her mouth. "I completely forgot you had a sister."
" Yeah, it's weird sometimes," Aquarius confessed. "I feel like I'm split in half. There's my mom's half and my dad's half and they never overlap, but since my mom raised me, I think I'm more like her than my dad; I just look more like my father."
They continued walking until Andy eventually asked, "So, why didn't you talk about any of this last night?"
"Because you didn't need to hear about it last night," Aquarius easily answered. "You didn't even really need to hear about it now, but since you asked about Lily..." She brushed her hand through her hair.
"Have you ever talked to Lily about the way you feel?"
"Have you?"
"Uh..." Andy dipped her head. "Okay, I see your point."
"Lily always told me she wanted me to talk to her about everything but..." Aquarius laughed softly. "She doesn't really want to know everything."
"So..." Andy playfully bumped Aquarius's shoulder. "What's something you can tell me that Lily doesn't want to know?"
Aquarius stopped walking. "I'm gay."
Andy stumbled to a stop. "What?"
"Lily knows, she just never wants to talk to me about it. She's not completely comfortable with it." Aquarius's hands found their way back to her pockets. "She wants me to be happy, but she doesn't want to know about my...personal life."
"Oh." Andy didn't know what to say. Lily had never talked to her about any of this before.
Aquarius pulled her right hand out of her pocket so she could look at her watch. "We need to get to your apartment."
"Why?"
Aquarius bit at her bottom lip. "Well, your parents are probably on their way there."
"What?"
"Do you remember that conversation we were having before you asked me if my cousin was a homophobe?"
Andy dropped her head into her hands. "Lily picked up my parents."
"I didn't want to interrupt your lunch with Miranda," Aquarius explained. "It seemed like something you needed to do, and I trust Lily to pick up your parents from the airport."
"Did you tell Lily I was at lunch with Miranda?" Andy didn't bother to look up. She had started to feel better about her life after having lunch with Miranda and the conversation with Aquarius that followed, but the dread was now coming back.
"No, I told her that we were out having lunch. Like I said," Aquarius put her free hand back into her pocket, "there's some things my cousin doesn't want to know.
"
"I thought my parents were coming in this evening?"
"They were worried about you; they got an earlier flight."
Andy turned and started back towards her apartment. She knew she shouldn't be angry at Aquarius for not saying anything sooner, but she wanted to be angry at someone and she was too stubborn to be angry at herself. She wouldn't have known what to do if Aquarius had interrupted her lunch with Miranda to tell her that Lily was on the way to the airport. She didn't know what Miranda would have done, and Aquarius was right; Andy needed that uninterrupted time with Miranda.
She needed to hear about Miranda's dissatisfaction with the Sephora shoot, and she needed to talk to Miranda about her tentative plans to find another job since she had quit
The New York Mirror without really thinking about anything else. No matter how abnormal having lunch with Miranda had been, Miranda's presence had felt...normal, and that had been something important; it was something Andy had needed and Aquarius had recognized and respected that.
Andy then realized, that she owed Aquarius an apology. She owed Aquarius a lot more than an apology, but she could a least start out with saying, "I'm sorry, Aquarius. I'm not really angry with you."
"I know," Aquarius softly replied. "Just don't make a habit of taking your anger out on me."
"Okay," Andy forced herself to smile. "I won't."
***
Andy walked up to her apartment, not completely surprised that her parents and Lily were waiting for her outside of her door. As soon as she stepped into the hallway, they all turned to look at her. She wanted to turn around and start walking in the opposite direction, but the hand Aquarius placed on the small of her back stopped her from running away.
So instead of turning to retreat, she smiled awkwardly and when she reached her door she fumbled with her keys and eventually got the door unlocked. Lily immediately dismissed herself and Aquarius tried to do the same, but stopped when Andy dug her fingernails into Aquarius's forearm. So, Lily, once again, left without her cousin and Aquarius pushed aside any plans she might have had so that she could sit awkwardly on Andy's floor while Andy stared at her parents and her parents stared back at her.
"I'm going to the bathroom," Aquarius got up off the floor and then walked out of the room. Andy watched her go, knowing that it hadn't been fair to have asked Aquarius to stay, but she really didn't want to be left alone with her parents, not if it meant talking to them about an engagement she hadn't even known about.
"So," Andy's mother said as soon as Aquarius had left the room, "Lily tells us that Nate is on his way back to Boston."
"Really?" Andy feigned interest. She really didn't want to hear anything about Nate. She wasn't ready to hear about how he was doing or what he was doing. It was easier to not think about him since she still didn't know exactly how she felt about their breakup. She hadn't had time to figure anything out, and she certainly hadn't had time to figure out what she was going to tell her parents.
"Do you want..." Her mother's voice lowered. "Do you want to talk about what happened?"
"No," Andy shook her head. "I don't, not really."
"Well can you at least try?" Her father asked. "So that we can understand what's going on?"
Andy looked down at her hands and tried to fish out from her overwhelmed brain what she could possibly say to her parents that would satisfy their curiosity. "It's kind of hard to explain, Dad. Nate and I just..." She sighed. "We...I mean I...no, we, we decided we couldn't be together anymore."
"Oh Andy," Her mother reached out and placed a warm hand on Andy's knee. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay, Mom," Andy refused to start crying again. She didn't want to start up again after she had finally gotten it under control. "It was...we were..." Andy couldn't understand why it was so much harder to explain this to her parents than it had been to explain to Miranda. "I don't love him anymore."
Andy's mother scooted closer to her daughter and then wrapped Andy up in her arms. "It's okay, sweetie. We know."
"You know?" Andy pulled away from her mom. "You know what?"
Andy's father leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. "Lily told us that you and Nate have been having some problems since you quit
Runway."
Andy wiped at her face. "What else did she say?" She didn't think that Lily would tell her parents about Miranda, but she wasn't entirely certain Lily wouldn't say something otherwise incriminating.
"Well," her dad clasped his hands together, "she said that Nate moving to Boston caused a lot of problems between you two, and that she and Doug sort of jumped the gun by planning this party for you."
"Lily said that?" Andy couldn't keep the surprise out of her voice. "Really?"
"Don't be angry at her for talking to us," her Mom said, clearly misreading the reason why Andy was so surprised by what Lily had told them. "We asked her what was going on, and she feels just awful about this whole thing, Andy."
"Oh, wow."
Aquarius walked back into the room then, looking just as uncomfortable as she had when she left. She sat back down on the floor, since there were not enough places to sit to accommodate them all. "I feel like the elephant in the room," she said after the moments of silence that followed as soon as she had re-entered. "I don't mind leaving."
"Oh don't worry about it," Andy's mother waved an arm in Aquarius's direction. "We don't want to kick you out."
"I don't mind being kicked." Aquarius leaned back and rested part of her weight on her hands.
"No, it's not necessary." Andy's father offered Aquarius a weak smile. "So, tell us how you've been. The last time we saw you, you were just about ready to graduate from high school."
"I'm good," Aquarius answered. "I'm a Junior at Cornell."
"Oh, do you like it there?"
"It's different than Atlanta, but yeah, I like it." Aquarius looked around and then bit at her bottom lip. "I think I need to go to the bathroom again." She got up and then walked away.
"I think we're making her uncomfortable," Andy's mother said as the bathroom door shut.
Andy laughed. "Yeah, I think so."
"We should go check into our hotel," Andy's father stood up. "We just wanted to stop by and see you first."
"Do you want me to go with you?" Andy didn't want to go anywhere with them, but she at least thought she should make the offer.
"No, don't worry about it, honey." Her mother stood up as well. "But let's get dinner later, okay?"
"Okay." Andy walked her parents to the door and hugged each of them goodbye. As soon as she shut the front door the bathroom door opened.
"I'm going to start making a list," Aquarius said, "of all the things you'll need to pay me back for."
"Thank you for staying." Andy walked up to Aquarius. "I think they would have stayed longer if you weren't here."
Aquarius nodded and then made her way back over to the now empty couch. "I'm going to sleep." She fell onto the old piece of furniture and then closed her eyes. "I'm catching a ride back to Cornell in a few hours."
Sleep suddenly sounded very appealing to Andy. She couldn't remember the last time she had slept, although she was sure that it hadn't been that long ago. "We can share the bed," Andy offered. Aquarius's legs were hanging over the edge of the couch, reminding her that Nate hadn't ever fit the couch comfortably either. It was too short for him, and Aquarius was at least as tall as him.
Aquarius sat up. "I'm going to accept that offer because I'm so freakin' tired." She stood up and immediately went to the bedroom, kicking off her shoes as she went. Andy followed her and slid into the side of the bed that Aquarius hadn't fallen onto.
She realized that it would be a little weird to sleep next to someone that wasn't Nate. She knew sleeping next to Aquarius was completely different than sharing a bed with Nate, but still...Andy wasn't quite sure she was ready for his side of the bed to be occupied by anyone else. She tried to imagine what it would be like if Miranda were sleeping next to her, but she couldn't even imagine Miranda being in her apartment let alone in her bedroom on her bed.
Andy sighed as she curled her body up and closed her eyes. Aquarius had been right. Andy did need to be careful how she handled her evolving friendship with Miranda. Andy wasn't feeling particularly vulnerable, but she knew that she wasn't feeling completely okay. Her head was full of fuzzy feelings that she couldn't make any sense of, and she didn't know when everything would start making sense again. She suspected that it never would, not while she still craved Miranda's company over everyone else's, not while she called Miranda in the middle of the night and engaged in conversation about happiness.
Andy rubbed her hands over her face. She couldn't believe that she was lying in bed with Aquarius, having just finished seeing her parents, and was thinking about Miranda Priestly. She should be occupied with trying to figure out what she was going to say to Lily when they finally spoke again or what she was going to say to her parents when they had dinner that night. She shouldn't be thinking about a possible friendship with Miranda that probably wouldn't even happen.
Her hands fell down to her stomach, and she silently laughed. Her life had spun completely out of control and for some insane reason she still wanted to pick up the phone and call Miranda just to hear her voice. She wanted Miranda to force her to stay on the phone so that they could talk about the possibilities of happiness.
Maybe Andy couldn't imagine Miranda ever stepping foot into her apartment, but she could imagine Miranda being part of her life. So, what Aquarius said about Miranda was true as well. Miranda was dangerous.
Continued