Part 6
Genuine Gratitude
Andy decided that her life was in the bitter hands of a masochistic fate. She knew it was time she gave up on the world she thought she lived in and stepped into the world Miranda Priestly had already mastered. Her article had been good enough to catch Miranda's interest, but not worth much more than that. Andy knew that it was a good bit of writing, but even as she read over the words for the umpteenth time, she knew that they still weren't great enough.
They were enough to be published in the
Mirror, and perhaps even good enough to be published in another journal or magazine, but they still weren't enough for Miranda Priestly?the woman whose opinion was the only one that mattered. Andy remembered Nigel pointing that out to her after the James Holt showing, and remembered thinking that it was absurd that one person had so much influence. What she hadn't bothered to realize?bother to admit to herself?was that Miranda Priestly's approval and acceptance meant much more to her than anyone's had before.
For reasons she couldn't understand, Andy wanted Miranda to tell her that she was good enough. She wanted it so badly she had went knocking on Miranda's front door in the middle of the night?for a second time?just so Miranda could fuck with her head and then send her back off into the middle of the night with orders to produce a miracle.
Andy stared at the blinking cursor on her computer screen, realizing that its blinking was in sync with the beats of her heart. Her hands were poised over her keyboard, but she hadn't managed to type a single word in the last hour. Morning had already arrived, and Andy could feel her future ticking away.
"What are you so afraid of?" She asked herself and then silently laughed.
Suddenly, her fingers began typing again as she let go and stepped back into Miranda's world, where people's ambition superseded their loyalty, where their families and friends were sacrificed for professional success, where there was no such thing as tenure, and the only thing that mattered was the answer to the question, 'what have you done lately?'. Andy climbed over her wall of naïve self-righteousness so that she could put everything she had within herself to give into the art form she had chosen to try and master. She stopped holding back, and stopped worrying about the very real chance of failure. She forgot about her friends, her boyfriend, her family, and everything else that had distracted her from the words that had always been inside of her begging to come out.
Andy's finger's pounded over the keys as if they were shouting the words upon the electronic page. At long last, she found her unique voice. She found the thing that Miranda couldn't call crap or outright dismiss. There was no more passive voice left inside of her. She knew that in order to change the world, she'd first have to live in it. She'd have to shake away her timidness and open her eyes.
When she was done typing, Andy printed off her article, took a shower and then dressed herself in the proper uniform in which to face off with Miranda. She took one final look at herself in the mirror before she left her small apartment for Elias-Clarke. On her way, she made a quick stop at Starbucks to pick up Miranda's drink of choice, for the first time hoping this wouldn't be the last chance she'd have to buy Miranda a cup of coffee.
It was barely past midday when Andrea sauntered past the assistants' desks. She didn't stop to talk to Emily, nor did she acknowledge the second assistant who she had yet been introduced to. Displaying more bravery than she actually felt, Andrea placed Miranda's cup of coffee on the editor's desk. Once she had Miranda's attention, she dropped her finished article on the desk and then took a seat across from the editor.
Without a single word, Miranda reached out and picked up the paper. Her eyes were locked onto Andrea's, warning the younger woman of the consequences of failure, and then she began reading. Andy focused in on a pen sitting on Miranda's desk, knowing that if she watched Miranda read then she wouldn't manage to contain her fidgeting.
One minute passed, then two, then three, then Andy lost count of the minutes and started counting her heart beats. Her attention still drawn to that ridiculously expensive instrument for writing. She felt like she was starting to go colorblind. All she could see was the black ink of the pen, Miranda's silver hair, the white walls, Miranda's white blouse, the black chairs, Miranda's white skin...
"Congratulations, Andrea." The unexpected sound of Miranda's voice, made Andy jump in her seat and lose any bits of thought her brain had been trying to hold onto.
Congratulations? Andy didn't know what congratulations, when coming from Miranda, actually meant. "Does that mean you're still not hiring me?"
Miranda put Andy's article back down on her desk and then reached out for her coffee. "I will only say this once more, Andrea, so please take notes if you must, but I have no intention of ever hiring you back on staff."
"Then why..." Andy still didn't understand.
"I will, however, accept your submission and pay you accordingly for your work," Miranda continued on as if Andy's words hadn't even come to a stumbling halt.
"My submission?"
Miranda nodded. "It will go well with a new designer we are showcasing in December."
"My submission?" Andy still wasn't sure she was actually sitting across from Miranda Priestly the editor of
Runway. She had an odd feeling that somehow she had been transported into the land of Oz and was sitting in front of the Wizard awaiting the coming torture session from the Munchkins.
"I suggest you start working on other submissions. Once your article appears in
Runway, you'll have less difficulty being published elsewhere." Miranda took a satisfying sip from her coffee. "You will, of course, present all of your articles to me before you submit them to anyone else."
Andy was suddenly reminded of the last conversation she had with Miranda while she was still working at
Runway. "Are you putting my name on your list?" Was she supposed to proclaim undying loyalty to Miranda when Miranda would never bother to do the same? Was she supposed to allow Miranda to use her as cannon fodder in a future power play with Irv Ravitz or whoever else Miranda felt like strong-arming into surrender.
Miranda said nothing, but Andy wasn't really expecting her to. Andy knew that it was kind of funny how she could still look over at Miranda, even now, and see the woman who had thanked her at that stupid banquet, who had cried from the loss of a husband, and who had two daughters she would stop the world for. "Hey," Andy smiled, "do you want to go out and get some lunch? I've just sold my first article and feel like treating someone to a meal."
"Don't be ridiculous, Andrea," Miranda rolled her eyes, but Andy could swear Miranda had almost, just almost smiled. She hadn't expected Miranda to accept her offer, and she blamed her lack of sleep for even attempting it. Miranda simply didn't go out and have lunch with former assistants but... Miranda did have lunch with people whose talent she had discovered, fostered, exposed, and exploited. Sometime, Andy promised herself, sometime soon she would treat Miranda to lunch.
Andy stood up with a self-satisfied smile, knowing that Miranda would be on the verge of dismissing her. "Thank you, Miranda."
"Hm, well yes, that's all." Miranda's stumbling version of 'you're welcome' gave Andy a single moment of pause before she turned to walk out of Miranda's office. She held onto the latest flicker of humanity Miranda had shown, but in all honesty, Andy wasn't surprised that Miranda had difficulty responding to something as simple as genuine gratitude since Miranda was so often faced with people's hatred, jealousy, and fear.
Andy put her mask of bravery back on as she walked past Emily and Emily-Number-Two. Whatever questions Emily had about her presence at
Runway could be directed to Miranda. Besides, Emily would see the article Andy had written floating around and would know soon enough why Andy had ever come back. Andy figured that Miranda wouldn't bother to tell anyone that Andy had originally come back to
Runway expecting to be put back on staff. Andy suspected Miranda's version of the story would be a slant on the truth?Miranda would not let it be known that she accepted house calls in the middle of the night from former employees who demanded to be given a job.
As Andy left Elias-Clarke, she heard her cell phone vibrating from inside of her purse. She pulled it out and looked down at the ID. Part of her had actually expected to see Miranda's name on the display, so was only slightly thrown when she saw Lily's name instead. They had made tentative plans to get together a few days ago, since Nate was coming into town, but Andy had been too busy to confirm anything with her friend.
She took a quick glance towards the building she had just exited as her finger lingered over the Talk button. Andy hadn't told anyone about her meetings with Miranda. She hadn't wanted to, and despite her feelings of overwhelming excitement at satisfying Miranda's demands brought to her, Andy still didn't want to tell anyone about what had just happened.
"Hey Lily," Andrea said after her finger had stopped loitering over a decision.
"I just heard you don't work at the
Mirror anymore, Andy!" Lily's voice excitedly exclaimed. "Josiah just told me you quit."
Josiah was one of the photographers who had worked with Andy at the
Mirror. He only worked part time since he was doing his best to become famous outside of taking pictures for other people's stories. Lily was helping him put together an exhibit, and Andy should have known that he would blabber about her personal decisions to Lily. "I had to Lil," Andy defended herself. "I wanted..." She couldn't tell Lily what she really wanted. "I've decided to do freelance work."
"You can't just do freelance work, Andy," Lily needlessly chided. "People need to know who you are first."
"I know it'll be hard, Lily, I do, but I want to try." Andy explained.
"Okay," Lily sighed. "If it's what you want then I'm behind you all the way. Just let me know if you need me to do anything."
"Thanks." Andy knew that her friends weren't bad friends. Lily was a good person, and so was Doug, but they just weren't always good for her. Lily was stuck inside of a bubble where she had the freedom to help choose which artist was worthy to be shown to the public and Doug would most likely be lost in the wasteland of middle management. "That means a lot."
"Does Nate know?"
Andy had always suspected Lily liked Nate more than she liked Andy. Lily hadn't ever said a bad word about Nate when he had upped and left for Boston leaving Andy with an apartment she couldn't afford on her own, which forced her to ask her father for more money. According to Lily, Nate was always right and Andy was always wrong. "I wanted to tell him in person; I wanted to get a chance to tell everyone in person." She wanted to put it off as long as she possibly could.
Lily continued talking, perhaps acting like the moral compass Andy hadn't asked for, but Andy was no longer listening, her attention was drawn back to the front doors of Elias-Clarke. Miranda was walking out of the building, cell phone in hand, with Emily-The-Second trailing behind her. Her eyes followed Miranda's movements until the editor disappeared into the black town car that had most certainly been called to come pick her up.
"Andy?" Lily's voice called back Andy's attention. "Andy?"
"Yeah?" Miranda had looked right at Andy when she stepped into the vehicle.
"Are you listening to me?"
Andy watched as the black car pulled away from the curb out into New York traffic. "Yeah, um, of course. Why don't we talk more tonight?"
"Where are we going?"
The black car turned the corner and then quickly disappeared from Andy's view. "I'll let you know." She absently wondered where Miranda was going and what she would be doing later. Andy doubted Miranda would welcome another midnight visit. "I've got to go, though. I need to get ready for Nate." Andy hung up her phone, not even realizing she hadn't even waited for Lily to say goodbye.
***
Andy sat with her friends at their standard table in the restaurant Nate used to work at. Nate sat to her left, Lily was to her right, and Doug was sitting right in front of her. They had chosen the restaurant because Nate was still given a discount on the food and every one of them was too broke to afford anything different. Embarrassingly, Andy had walked out of Elias-Clarke without asking how it was she was going to get paid for the article Miranda had bought, so didn't have the money to celebrate. Andy hoped Miranda would take care of that small forgotten detail without Andy having to point out her own stupidity.
Lily was chattering on about the new exhibit she was trying to put together and Andy hadn't found the right time yet to let Doug and Nate in on the fact that she was no longer steadily employed. She was happy not to talk about it?happy to put off not fighting with Nate about the decisions she had unilaterally made. He had recently started talking about marriage and her moving out to Boston to pursue her writing there. She had told him it wasn't a good time for her to leave the
Mirror.
Everyone at the table started laughing, and Andy realized that she had missed the hilarious conclusion Lily's story had been building up to. She started laughing so that no one would notice she hadn't been paying attention. She'd rather have them look at her like she was slow to understanding the joke than disinterested in their company.
The laughter died letting silence fall over the table, giving Andy the perfect chance to fill it in with her own story about quitting her job and pursuing an opportunity to write independently for a change. She wouldn't need to tell anyone that her article would be appearing in
Runway since neither Lily nor Nate would come across it. Doug might, but she could talk to him after the fact.
Andy chose to keep her silence, and Doug began talking about his latest disastrous foray into blind dating. Andy made sure to pay attention this time around, because she didn't want her friends to become offended by her general disinterest in their lives. She wanted to spend time with them, and she wanted to hear about what was going on. These were the people she had stumbled into adulthood with. They were the people she had spent late nights and early mornings with philosophizing about the world and making ridiculously general plans for their futures.
Lily had said she was going to make sure artists that weren't 'sell outs' got a chance to have their work displayed. Doug was going to conquer the business world. Nate was going to become the next Big Thing in the culinary world, and Andy was going to win a Pulitzer Prize for participating in a movement to bring back personal integrity into journalism. They never talked about what starting at the bottom really meant. They never talked about how they would change as they paved their own roads?they made a point of saying that they wouldn't change at all, but they had.
Lily didn't fight quite as hard to get artists only she thought were worthy to be shown featured in the gallery. Sometimes she was forced to compromise and show who was popular over who was more talented. The showings she put together had to make money, because if they didn't then she wouldn't get paid. Doug quickly realized he wasn't quite as brilliant as he thought he was, and didn't really want to become a business mogul. He had only really wanted the money and what the money could do for him, he didn't want the hours upon hours of work. Nate was well on his way up the kitchen hierarchy in a restaurant that he couldn't afford to eat in, and Andy was putting part of her future in the hands of a woman who most people no longer considered entirely human.
The minutes passed into hours, and Andy sat with her friends until last call. They parted ways at the door, and then her and Nate walked off together towards Andy's apartment. They held hands and Nate tried to make conversation, and Andy tried to participate but knew she had failed when Nate finally asked, "What's going on with you, Andy?"
Andy considered denying that there was anything for her to tell, but she couldn't. "I quit my job."
"Okay," Nate shrugged. "So, what does that mean?"
Andy took a deep breath. "It means that I'm going back to Miranda Priestly. I want her to help me become a better writer," she said in a rush.
"Miranda Priestly? You're going back to
Runway?"
"No," Andy shook her head. "I'm going back to Miranda," she clarified. "She's going to publish an article I wrote."
"I don't understand," Nate stopped walking, forcing Andy to stop with him since he still held onto her hand. "I thought you hated Miranda Priestly."
"She can be difficult." That was an understatement and Nate knew that. "But she'll help me with my career."
"Didn't she sell out that guy you liked?" Nate let go of her hand. "For a job she recommended him for?"
For the first time in a long time, Andy wished Nate wasn't as attentive to her and was more like the boyfriend she had during her senior year of high school that didn't hear a word she said because he was too distracted by her breasts. "Despite what she did to him, Nigel is a lot better off having worked for Miranda than he would ever have been otherwise."
"Are you defending her?" Nate took a step away from her.
"No, of course not," Andy impulsively replied before she had a chance to think about what it was she was saying. "I mean..."
"Okay, fine." Nate raised his hands, halting Andrea's defenseless position. "What about Boston, then? I thought you were going to try and move out there with me?"
Andy opened her mouth to reply, but again Nate cut her off. "You know what? Nevermind." He let out a frustrated breath. "Just tell me why you didn't talk to me about this before you quit your job, before you knew Miranda was going to publish your article?and I don't even want to know how you got her to do that."
"I don't," Andy bowed her head, "I don't know."
"Well, I hope you figure it out." Nate turned around and then started walking in the direction they had just come from.
"Where are you going?" Andy called after him, wishing he didn't always walk away from their arguments like a spoiled child that didn't get his way.
Nate didn't stop walking. "I don't know," he called over his shoulder.
Andy watched him walking off for a few moments, already knowing that chasing after him now wouldn't accomplish anything. He was too angry for reasonable conversation. So instead of enacting a scene from a romantic novel, Andy turned her back on Nate's retreating form and then walked away, desperately trying to push away her feelings of deja vu. She knew Nate wouldn't understand , but had already accepted that for a second time she had chosen Miranda over him and she suspected he knew that, too.
Continued...