~ Inner Peace ~
by Eveh
Part 10
Chapter 19
Lindsey fell asleep shortly after our conversation. I don't think she's been able to get a lot of sleep lately, since she seems so dead to the world right now. Someone could come barging into the room with a sledgehammer and I'm almost certain that Lindsey would stay asleep. She's curled up against my body, trusting me to look out for her. I'm starting to get the feeling that she wants me to protect her. She's chosen me to be the one to turn to for support. She must be desperate.
I'd like to sit here and wait for her to wake up, but my body feels like moving. I haven't gotten a lot of sleep lately either, but I'm not feeling tired. I feel more like pacing back and forth for a while or taking a long run. My knee is still sore from its war with the tree yesterday, so running around and moving too much is still out. I don't want to damage myself further. Now wouldn't be the time to ask someone to drive me to the hospital, again.
Carefully, I remove Lindsey from my body, holding my breath the entire time. She curls up against a pillow, not waking and my body is finally free again to move around as much as it wants to. Since Nikki hasn't come back yet from going after Catherine, I guess I could try and chase her down to make sure that they survived their scene unscathed. I'm reluctant to leave Lindsey again, but I do need to know what's going on with everyone else. Hopefully, I'll be back before Lindsey wakes up.
I make my way down the hotel hallway, trying to remember what room number my parents are supposed to be staying in. My brain doesn't come up with the number, but it doesn't need to because the yelling I hear through one particular door lets me know where they are. The yelling is also something I don't want to involve myself in right now, so I position myself outside of the door and slide down the wall to the floor. I'll knock when the voices don't sound so angry.
"Fuck your way, Catherine," I hear Nikki's voice scream, "it's not working." I don't think I've ever heard Nikki yell at Catherine like that. I know that I've never yelled at Catherine like that. It seems like everyone has found a backbone to stand up to Catherine with, except me.
"How would you even know?" Catherine's voice rejoins.
"I have eyes and a brain to think with." I can barely hear Nikki's response. She's apparently decided not to yell anymore. She sounds tired. "I know this is hard for you, but you've got to let Mel and me deal with this on our own."
"So you're just ready to risk her completely losing it again?" Catherine doesn't seem to want to stop the yelling. "You weren't around for the first time when it happened, Nikki. You can't even imagine what that's like."
Fighting about me again, I see. This seems to be a common theme with the people who hang around me for any extended amount of time. They always see me as being on the brink of losing my sanity, but I think I've done a pretty good job of holding onto it thus far, and surprisingly I don't feel it slipping through my fingers now.
Nikki says something, but I can't quite catch it since she's still keeping her voice down. The only part I can catch is, "If it's going to happen then it's going to happen. Neither of us would be strong enough to stop it."
"You may not care if you lose her," Catherine sounds like she's crying now, "but I do. I always have and I'm not just going to let go because you think it would be a good idea."
I bring my knees up to my chest, drop my head back against the wall and close my eyes. I can still hear the sounds of their voices, but I don't bother to try and decipher the words. This argument may be about me, but I don't want to be involved in it.
The feeling of someone sliding down the wall next to me rips my eyes open and has me jumping away. When my eyes focus, I see my mother chuckling down at me. "You could have given me some warning," I tell her retaking my position against the wall.
"I thought you would have heard me coming down the hall." She joins me on the floor; I guess not too willing to walk inside the room with Nikki and Catherine either.
I grunt out something that sounds like it's trying to be a laugh. "You're overestimating my powers of observation."
Mom nods but doesn't say anything. We maintain silence as Catherine's voice yells out, "I've already lost so much of her and I don't want to lose anymore."
Mom and I look at each other. I can tell she's working the words through her brain like I am. It was an odd thing for Catherine to say about me. She hasn't lost me at all. I'd like to think that we're relatively close considering all the factors that go into our relationship.
I focus on Mom's eyes, and she looks almost severely unhappy. Nikki and Catherine aren't fighting over me. I did not inspire them to have this argument. The fact I feel happy about this probably isn't something I should mention to my mother, since it would seem they're arguing over her. "So, why aren't you in there with them?" I try and ask casually, keeping my voice low so that neither of the women inside realizes they are being overheard. Although, they should at least expect that some people would have overheard them since they are screaming so loud and the walls don't really seem to be that thick.
"I left before it started," our eyes stay locked on one another. Not even breaking contact as Nikki accuses Catherine of letting fear control her.
"Do you want me to starting offering my personal observations about your behavior or should I keep quiet?"
"If I felt like fighting," Mom releases a sigh, "then I'd be in there with them."
"Good," I lean my head back against the wall and close my eyes again.
I hear movement next to me, but don't open my eyes to see what my mother is doing. "I already know I've been an ass."
I chuckle a bit. "Don't be so hard on yourself," I open my eyes, but only to seek out my mother's shoulder so that I can lean my head against it. "I've had a few moments of ass-ness myself."
Mom puts an arm around me so that I'm balanced against her body and don't fall over. "But you were out with Nikki all night. Catherine and I didn't stay in the same room together for more than two hours."
"Did you try talking?" I ask, closing my eyes again. Seeking what comfort I can manage while sitting in the middle of a hallway against a hotel room's door.
"It didn't work." Her fingers brush against my face and I feel her tuck a few strands of my hair behind my ear.
"Did you try drinking alcohol before you started talking?" I ask, trying to hold back the yawn that is trying to force itself out of me.
"Is that what I was doing wrong?" Mom sounds amused.
"I recommend Vodka." I move closer to her body. "You need ambiance too, but be prepared to agree to things others might highly object to, like taking a midnight drive out to Catherine's parents."
"You went out to see Nikki's parents?" I guess Mom doesn't think I'm speaking solely in the hypothetical.
"Yeah," My arm goes across Mom's waist. "They're really fucked up people," I say softly.
"Why'd you do that alone, Mel?" Mom gently asks me.
I try to shrug but only succeed in pushing my cheek uncomfortably against Mom's shoulder bone. "Nikki needed me to."
"Are you doing okay?" Mom tightens her hold on me.
"When I got back Catherine yelled at me for it and then I think I got in an argument with Lindsey." I don't know why I'm telling her all of this, but I guess she'll find out about it all eventually. "Lindsey wants me to fix everything. She thinks I can."
My eyes are closed but that doesn't mean my tears can't escape. I can feel them drop onto mom's black t-shirt. I'm almost compelled to push off the responsibility Lindsey has tried to hand down to me over to my mother. I want to tell her that she should be the one to fix everything. She needs to be the one to go back to Lindsey and be the protector that Lindsey wants me to be.
"I've realized something, Mel," Mom's voice sounds strained. "Baby, we've just got to keep working on our problems even if they never get solved."
I don't think those words are making me feel better. They're not curing me of the sudden weight of responsibility that has been handed down to me by a girl who only became my sister a few years ago. That just means that we're all alone, trying to seek out a single ray of hope that things might get better. That's depressing.
"We're just a fraction in the world, Mel." Is she trying to explain to me some mathematical problem? I don't want to do math problems about my weight in the world or the universe. I'm not into thinking about higher meaning or higher power. I just need to know that I'm not supposed to do this on my own. "I don't know what's going to happen between Catherine and me. I can't offer any promises."
I raise my head and open my eyes. "But you're going to try the Vodka, right?" It's a joke, a bad joke but it's all I have. I can't offer her any promises either. I can just try and make her smile since we're obviously so depressed.
"For some reason," Mom smirks, "I don't think Catherine would enjoy me drinking Vodka."
"Oh? Is that whole alcoholism thing still bothering her?" I can't believe we're even joking about this. We must have finally lost our minds. Who jokes about their mother being an alcoholic?
"Yeah, can you believe she didn't forget about that? You'd think me making out with someone else would make her forget." Who jokes about kind of cheating on their partner? What kind of people even try and have a conversation like this as their lovers are fighting in the room behind them? We are so going to Hell. I'm pretty sure that the hand basket is already made and ready with our names on it.
"Then I guess you're just stuck with trying to sacrifice yourself by talking." I can only hope that talking doesn't end up being the death of her, well the death of them both actually. It doesn't seem like it worked out so well for them last night.
"Is that what worked for you and Nikki?" Mom asks and the hint of trying to make a joke has been removed from her voice. This is a genuine question. She wants to know how to make things better. She's asking me to help her fix things much like Lindsey did.
"Nikki and I aren't better yet," I slide around on the floor so that my body is facing my mother's. "We're talking to each other, we're even saying things that mean something as we talk, but we're not better."
"You can stay in the same room with each other." Mom looks at the door next to us. The voices inside have calmed, I can hardly hear anything they're saying anymore.
"We don't explode like you and Cath, Mom. Nikki and I implode into each other. We're never smart enough to try and run away." We can't seem to bring ourselves to fight each other face to face. At least I'm too much of a coward to try. We carry on with our pain in silence, too afraid of losing each other to address the piles of problems that surround us. Talking about it is actually a step forward for us.
"I shouldn't be talking to you about this," Mom starts staring at the door across from us. Hopefully, whoever is staying in that room isn't in there now or, at the very least, can sleep through an earthquake. Although, I'm sure if someone was irritated by all the yelling they would have made a call to the front desk by now.
"Maybe you shouldn't be." I'm pretty sure that she shouldn't be, but I am an adult. The time for her to protect me and act like there really isn't so much evil in the world is pretty much over. It ended before I even got a chance to meet her. "I think we went about our relationship the wrong way when I came to Las Vegas."
Talking about this with her is a risk. I don't know if she's ready to talk about this. I don't know if it's even important to mention anymore. We're trying to build something new, that's what we've been doing this whole trip. At least, I think that's been part of this trip.
"I think we went about a lot of things wrong when you came to live with me." She doesn't sound upset. That's good.
"We should have tried to become friends first."
A burst of laughter tears itself out of her at my admission, and I can't find it in me to be offended by her reaction. If she had said that to me, I probably would have laughed too. "I'm sorry," she apologizes, her eyes showing her regret at her outburst.
"No," I shake my head, "don't apologize because the concept is funny. I can't really imagine what my response would have been if you had suddenly sat me down and said you wanted for us to be friends."
Mom looks confused. "Then what made you come up with the idea?"
"Because I think it would have eventually worked. We've been trying to jump into a relationship neither of us is ready for." The bridges that might have been built between us have long since been flooded by the continued contention that rests between us. We never tried building something; we just tried to continue a relationship that didn't really exist in the first place.
"We did the best we could, Mel." Mom doesn't seem too upset about my admission. She looks like she might even agree with me.
"I know and we did a damn good job at it too," I smile, letting her know that the way I think things should have been doesn't mean I regret what we've managed to accomplish. "But let's be real, you weren't ready for me to suddenly come live with you. You weren't ready for a full-time daughter."
"Was it that obvious?"
"When you came out to California and brought me back, you looked like a frightened bunny rabbit facing off with a wolf and I was the wolf."
Mom starts laughing again, and this time I join her. If anyone came walking down the hallway right now and saw us, they probably would assume we've been drinking. This is so surreal. Usually, conversation doesn't come so easy when it comes to us. We struggle through our sentences and pay careful attention to our words so that nothing unexpected comes out. We're very careful around each other.
"So what is it you want now?" Mom asks me as our laughter subsides.
"You're my mother," of course she already knows that because she was there for my birth, "that's never going to change and I don't want it to change." She looks a little shocked by my admission. Maybe she was expecting me to tell her that I did want it to change, although I'm not sure how that can happen. I can't change my DNA. "So, now that we've got that relationship down a little, I'd like to try and be your friend."
Mom looks like I've just turned into a penguin that suddenly gained the ability to speak English. "You okay, Mom?"
"Yeah," Mom manages to say, "I just didn't expect that. I never even thought you'd ever forgive me enough to ask me something like that."
Is that a sign of my forgiveness? I never thought that it would be. It just makes sense to me for us to try and be something a little different for a while. She's always going to be my mother; neither of us is ever going to be able to change that. I'm always going to be her daughter and she's always going to be my mother. That's just the way biology and DNA works. We have to choose to hang out enough together to try and be friends.
"Well, I am asking it and it's something that I want." It's too late for her to try and raise me. I'm pretty much raised. I don't need a mother for that, and honestly, Catherine pretty much fills up most of the maternal looking after that I require. I don't have a lot of friends though; don't really have any anymore actually. I've sort of been a little bit of a recluse lately, more focused on my studies than on the other people around me.
"Does that mean you're going to stop calling me, Mom?"
"Pretty sure it won't work out like that." I haven't called her Sara in a while, and just calling her that in my head sounds strange now. "You're always going to be Mom."
She takes in a deep breath. "Okay," she breathes out, "we can try this friend idea you have."
"Good," I smile at her trying to show her that I'm enthused by this new direction we've decided to take in our relationship, but I think I'm just accomplishing looking a little bit like an idiot because Mom's starting to laugh at me. "Why are you laughing?"
"You don't look comfortable trying to be enthusiastic," she doesn't hesitate to tell me.
"Yeah well," the smile drops from my face. I lean my body back against the door, now completely unable to hear anything Nikki and Catherine might be saying to each other.
Mom leans back next to me. "Mel, I don't think your theory about Vodka actually works," she tells me as she settles her body next to mine, once again offering me a shoulder to rest my head on. "We managed an entire conversation without drinking alcohol."
My head goes back on her shoulder and I position my body comfortably against hers. "Maybe it's not universal."
"No," she whispers, "I think it's just you that makes the difference."
"Okay," it's not an agreement, but I'm not in the mood to outright disagree with her right now, because there's no way she's right about that. I'm not good at talking with people. I get angry quickly and I usually don't care to listen to what other people have to say. I never even know what the right thing to say is half of the time.
I don't think I'm ever really right. I just keep on going, convinced that if I stop then everyone else will too. Maybe that isn't right of me or them, but it's the way things are for now. So, for now I'll keep on moving forward, because Mom was right: we have to keep on working on our problems and risk the chance of never being able to solve them. Maybe, I've just come in contact with some form of a constant human condition…whatever that means.
Chapter 20
By the time Nikki comes storming outside of my parents' hotel room, Mom and I have grown so bored with waiting that we're on our thirtieth match of Rock-Paper-Scissors, already having given up on Thumb War since Mom claimed the game was unfair because I had a bigger hand and therefore had an unfair advantage. Nikki manages to stop her forward movement before she barrels over me, but I've still managed to ruin the effect of her dramatic exit.
"What are you doing?" She asks her voice firm.
"Just waiting for you and Cath to settle things." I drop my hand away from the Rock position it's been in.
Nikki gives me a disapproving look and I can tell she thinks we were sitting out here intentionally listening in on their conversation, not that their conversation was exactly private since I'm pretty sure that every person staying on this floor got let in on more than a few of the words that were passing between them.
"I didn't want to interrupt," I defend myself against Nikki's unvoiced reprimand. "Plus, Mom and I were just out here talking about some things." Our talking almost made it so that I wasn't paying attention to the conversation Nik was having with Catherine, anyway. I guess I'm not so good at having sensitive conversations with my mother while covertly listening in on another sensitive chat. I'm just not talented in that way.
Before Nikki can respond, Catherine comes over to us with her arms crossed in front of her, not looking any happier than she did when she stormed away from me the last time. I guess I should be thankful that her attention is focused on Mom instead of me. "So," Catherine's voice is a lot calmer than her body language suggests it should be, "you finally decided to come back."
Mom shoots a quick look at me and while I wish I could help her out, I just can't. Catherine and I still have some unsettled emotions between us and I wouldn't even know how to go about letting those be expressed right now. The coward's way would be to just go and bring Lindsey back out to try and settle it for me, but I'm honest enough with myself to know that I won't allow Lindsey to act as my shield. She doesn't deserve to be put into that sort of situation…again.
"I don't want to argue about this right now," Mom tells Catherine but she's still looking at me. So, I look away because I'm not going to be talked through. My attention goes to Nikki because I'm feeling the most comfortable with her right now. She might yell at me later for sitting outside this hotel room but at least I know she's not going to get in a yelling match with me about emotional stuff right now. She's too wiped out for that sort of conversation.
Catherine ignores my mother. "Where's your sister?" She asks me, almost like she's accusing me of something heinous and foul. It makes me wonder if she's talking about Lindsey or some other person she might call my sister that I don't know about.
"Lindsey?" I make a guess since she's the only sister that I have, even though it's not legally recognized. I probably have more legal say in the life of the biological sister my non-father is parent to than I do when it comes to Lindsey. I wonder if there's some way we can rectify that.
"Melinda," the way my name falls from Catherine's lips lets me know that there's plenty of disappointment being directed at me right now.
"She was taking a nap." I hurry to explain even though I should probably try and at least stand up for myself. I'm not quite sure what I'd be standing up for, though. "I may be wrong, but I don't think she got a lot of sleep last night."
I'm not necessarily blaming Catherine for that, but I'm pretty sure that Catherine could be at least partially blamed for it. She's the one that went into Lindsey's room after some fight supposedly happened with Mom. I can't pretend to know everything that happened after Nikki and I left, but I do know that Lindsey was crying to me about it. I do know that Lindsey was begging me to fix everything like I have some sort of magical powers to make everything better again.
Before Catherine can direct any more anger or disappointment my way, Nikki reaches down, grabs my arm then lifts me up; all the while making sure Catherine knows that she and I are going to go check in on Lindsey. I let Nikki pull me away and try not to notice the resigned look Mom is giving to the wall directly across from her.
As soon as we turn the corner Nikki stops our forward movement. "Do you really want to pick a fight with her right now?"
My body deflates and whatever anger I was trying to dredge up on Lindsey's behalf, or on my own. just fizzles out of existence. "No," I respond through a heavy sigh. "I think I'm just really tired right now." Perhaps I didn't notice how tired until I was confronted with something that didn't include my mother playing a silly game with me.
"You need to give her some slack, Mel," Nikki's hand slips from around my arm and down to my waist.
I wasn't aware that I wasn't giving any slack. "You're probably right." I step away from her and move back down the hall towards the way we came from. Nikki calls out to me but I don't bother to immediately respond. I go back to Mom's and Catherine's room.
The door is now closed and I can hear whispered murmurs coming from inside. I don't try to decipher what any of them are before I knock on the metal door. I'm not going to listen in on this conversation. It's between them.
Catherine opens the door and she's not looking any happier now than she did when Nikki dragged me away from her. A quick look behind her lets me know that Mom isn't looking her best at the moment either. There's enough tension between them that most likely has nothing to do with me. I'm just not completely sure all of what it does involve.
"Is Lindsey okay?" Catherine asks me with clear concern. She's probably silently praying that I'm not about to tell her that something else has fallen into her lap for her to try and make better. There's already so much stuff she needs to deal with hanging about.
"Lindsey's fine," I brush my hand through my hair and then take in a deep breath. I came back here to say something that was important and I'm going to say it despite the lack of nerve that has suddenly come upon me. "I just forgot to tell you something earlier."
"What?" Catherine doesn't look like she's ready to keep her patience with me and since no one seems to have gotten any sleep lately, and everyone's temper is already beyond running thin, I can understand her current frustration.
I force my hands to stop fidgeting at my sides. I bow my head for a second then bring my eyes back up to hers. "Thank you," I whisper. "Thanks for even caring to come out here."
She was looking ready for a fight, but I'm not going to fight with her. I don't have a reason to fight with her. The only reason she's even here is because she cares so much about Mom and me. I probably should have bothered to remember that when she was yelling at me earlier.
"I'm glad you're here," I add before she can come up with anything to say back to me. I take a small step forward and wrap my arms around her. It takes her a moment before she begins to return my hug.
When we pull apart, I take a quick look at Mom who is standing behind Catherine looking at me with what looks like jealousy, and I don't think she's jealous at the fact that I hugged Catherine; she's probably more upset that Catherine bothered to hug me. Just thinking over these last couple of days, I can't help but wonder when the last time was my parents spent any time together alone without fighting. The distance that is obviously between them right now couldn't have just sprung up into existence the moment my mother was knocking on my front door needing a place to sleep off the alcohol she had consumed.
"If you need anything, let us know." It's the best thing that I can offer right now and it's almost an empty offer at that. If Catherine needs anything, I doubt that I can give it to her. I'm truthful enough with myself to realize that I'm not currently all put together right now. But, I can do my best to try and help out a little. I can do my best to try and not be selfish right now.
I've proven that I can focus on more than myself. I proved it to myself when I went with Nikki to see her family. I proved it by maintaining my silence and not going crazy when the police officers had me in cuffs. And if I can do that for Nikki then I better be able to do the same for Catherine and the same for my mother. They deserve that from me. Well, they deserve more than just that from me, but that's what I know I'll be able to give.
My whole family is here now, and I think they just might need me to be there for them just about as much as I need them to stand by my side. Lindsey fell asleep in my arms earlier, looking at me to protect her from the pain that is consuming her right now. She wants me to be her big sister, and that's important.
"I'm going to go back to Lindsey." I give a pathetic wave to both of them and then start on making my way back down the hallway doing my best to ignore the fact that Catherine is now crying. I'm pretty sure that I have something to do with that, but I don't know how to make it better right now so I'm just going to leave her alone. I'm not completely comfortable with watching her cry, considering I've only actually seen her do it maybe a handful of times.
Nikki steps in next to me as I walk back down the hallway towards our room. "You know," she clears her throat, "I wasn't expecting you to do that."
I nod. "I know, but it was probably overdue."
We reach our room and from the sound of the television coming through the door, I'd bet that Lindsey has already woken up.
"Did you get all the fighting out of the way?" Lindsey asks me as soon as I step through the door.
"All the fighting?" I can't help but smile a bit. "I think that's wishful thinking."
Lindsey lets out a long breath and throws herself back onto the bed. "I just want to go home."
"You just got here," Nikki tells her.
"And here sucks," Lindsey's quick to respond. "Nothing about this is fun."
I don't think I'm in a position to argue with her right now. This hasn't been all that much fun. It's been good for Mom and me, and Nikki might have even gained something from it, but overall this experience hasn't been drowning in fun.
"Well," Nikki offers, "maybe we can find something to do that is fun."
Nikki and I went to a bar to get away and unwind and somehow, I don't think Catherine would want me to take Lindsey out for a drink. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure Catherine wouldn't want me taking Lindsey back to any of the places I used to hang out at when I lived in the area. Nikki didn't hang out in the best of places either. Plus, the only place I had really planned on visiting is my grandparents' grave site, and that probably wouldn't be fun for Lindsey either.
"What is it you do to unwind when you're stressed?" I ask, somewhat disappointed in myself that I don't already know the answer. I should know these things about Lindsey.
"I don't know," Lindsey shrugs. "Usually, I go out with my friends." She looks down at the carpeted floor. "Or I'd draw or somethin'."
"Well, I'm not all that artistic." I haven't taken a single art class at all and the last time I tried to draw something it ended up looking more like a rabid animal than a labeled diagram of the human heart. "So, how about we make a trip to the nearest mall?"
"Aren't you tired?" Lindsey asks me with a skeptical look on her face. "You haven't slept yet, right?"
I wave away her concern. "Sleep's only for the very old and the very young." It would probably do me some good right now as well, but Lindsey is more important than sleep. Someone has to pay some attention to her and I'm volunteering myself since I honestly don't think my parents are in any shape to pay attention to their youngest right now. "We should get some breakfast first, though."
Lindsey noticeably perks up. "Food sounds good."
I turn my attention to Nikki. "Why don't you stay here and get some sleep? If Mom or Catherine stops by you can let them know what's up."
Nikki probably doesn't want to let me out of her sight right now, but I'm sure she'll recognize that me spending some alone time with Lindsey is important. "Call me to let me know where you two end up?"
"Of course," I give Nikki a brief hug then lead Lindsey out of the hotel room. We make our way down to the lobby only to discover that we're too late to partake in the complimentary breakfast. So, I hand over my car keys to Lindsey and tell her to find us the nearest place that serves breakfast. She hasn't had her driver's license for too long now, but I trust her driving more than I do my own.
During the drive, Lindsey begins talking incessantly about her friends and their boyfriends. I try to keep up with everyone's name and what it is Lindsey has to say about them, but she loses me rather quickly. She might have had a good point when she mentioned that I might need sleep. I'm not quite sure exactly when I fell asleep during Lindsey's rant, but when I wake up the car is parked and Lindsey is eating a breakfast taco.
"I got you one, too." She must notice me staring at her taco because she reaches into the backseat and pulls out a paper bag that has grease spots staining it.
I take the bag away from her then take out my taco. "Where did you pick these up?" I ask as I peel back the aluminum foil on my unhealthy breakfast.
Lindsey shrugs. "Some place called Papa's or Mama's something or other." She takes another bite of her taco. "It's good."
"Where are we?" She's taken us away from wherever she picked up the food because we're in a parking lot facing a baseball field.
"It's a park," she answers me like I've just asked the stupidest question known to humankind.
"Yeah, I figured that one out. Do you happen to remember which park?" I don't recognize this place and I thought that I managed to go to most of the places near my former residence. I used to play basketball at the parks all the time. It gave me a lot of practice with the added benefit of not being at home.
"I don't remember." Lindsey crumples up the aluminum foil that had been covering her now eaten taco. She throws it in the bag that is still resting on my lap, then leans back in her seat and stares out the front window.
Not wanting to really fight about where we've ended up, I start eating the taco Lindsey got for me and make sure to thank her for getting the food. She gives me some kind of a grunt but doesn't indicate that she's capable of saying actual words. I'm not quite sure how long I was asleep, but I'm pretty sure it's not possible for one person's talkative demeanor to change this quickly. Or maybe, since she's finally silent that means that she's actually filling the silent void with her anxious thoughts instead of her rambling words.
I guess getting a little sleep makes me a bit more insightful. Unfortunately, this new wave of insightfulness isn't accompanied by insightful words. All I can think of saying to her is asking her how she's doing and that's probably the stupidest question ever. So, since I have no words to offer her, I maintain the silence and finish my taco.
It seems like I've been spending a lot of time in cars lately, a lot of silent time spent in cars with a family member. Mom wasn't all that talkative during our long-ass drive from Nevada. Sure, we got in some good meaningful conversation, but I recall a conversation about forming a band as well. Maybe Lindsey would like to form a band. Music is a form of art and she's into the artistic stuff.
It doesn't take a lot of imagination on my part to picture Lindsey in some kind of rock band. It doesn't take much imagination for me to visualize Catherine's reaction to that either. She would probably try and talk Lindsey into joining the high school band instead. Maybe she'd try to get Lindsey to play the clarinet instead of becoming a drummer, because for some reason I think Lindsey would choose to be a drummer. She'd get to beat out all of her anger on the drums, and then when her band reached fame she could give interviews about how her stressful family life is to blame for her success. Then, of course, as everyone knows it's just one long downward spiral after that, what with all the drugs and alcohol she would eventually consume, not to mention the sexual depravity she would fall into.
"You shouldn't be a drummer," I blurt out and quickly realize that I probably should have gotten more sleep. In conjunction with the greater insight apparently my imagination has grown quite a bit as well.
Lindsey looks over at me like I've suddenly grown a third arm. "What?"
"Have you ever thought about joining a band?" It's a good and valid question, I think.
"No," Lindsey draws out the word. "Have you?" She asks me uncertainly.
"Mom and I talked about it, but I don't think anything's going to come of it."
"Are you okay?" She's still looking at me like I'm loony.
I think it's time to change the subject. "Do you remember when we went to the park right before those basketball scouts came to watch me play? I tried to get you and Mom to play basketball, unsuccessfully."
Lindsey chuckles. "That seems like it happened a long time ago."
"Yeah," I sigh. "It was like a lifetime ago."
"Do you want to try and teach me to play again?" She asks with a slight smile.
Neither of us is dressed for it, but that day so long ago was a good day. I wouldn't mind going back to that day for a little while. "I'm willing to give it a try."
We get out of the car and walk over to the basketball courts. There are already a couple of games going on, but it doesn't take much for me to talk the players into letting Lindsey and me into their game. It doesn't take too long before Lindsey and I are just concentrating on the game we're playing. I've long since forgotten how much simpler my life is when I have a basketball in my hand. Basketball has always been easy to me.
So, even if I can't draw worth anything, I'm glad that I can give Lindsey something that will take her mind off of the craziness of our family. I'm glad we can make this new memory; because I know it'll be something that each of us can hold onto once we make our way back to Las Vegas. When we reminisce about this experience, we can always bring up that time we went to that park we can't even remember the name of, ate some tacos in the car and played basketball with some guys we never would see again. This is the only magic I have in me to give to Lindsey, and it has to be enough because I don't think I can magically fix our parents or our lives.
To Be Continued...