Part 2
Chapter 3
When I exit the shower, Mom is asleep on the couch. So, Nikki and I decide to just leave her there. Neither of us can be entirely sure when the last time she got a few hours sleep was, so letting her sleep now doesn't seem to be that bad of an idea. We retreat to our bedroom and close the door so that any noise we make doesn't disturb Mom's slumber.
We settle onto the bed, and since both of us believe that a television should never enter our bedroom we can either sit and stare at each other or chance talking some more. I'd opt for us to do something a little more personal, but I don't think my broken-hearted mother would appreciate overhearing Nikki and me. "So what's up with my Mom and Mr. Grissom?"
Nikki slides her body next to mine. This time it's her resting her head on my shoulder. "There have been rumors about them forever. If there wasn't a little something to it then I don't think it would have lasted this long."
"But Mom and Catherine have been together for a long time." Just picturing Mom and Mr. Grissom having some kind of intimate connection gives me the queasies. I've probably only stood face to face with the guy a total of five times, and he never really made a particularly strong impression on me. In my mind, Mom kissing Sofia would have made so much more sense. Sofia's at least kind of attractive. Maybe in a rough and soul torturing type way, Mr. Grissom could be considered attractive, but if I had a choice between Sofia and him, I'd have to choose Sofia like every time. Then again, if I had a choice between either of them and Catherine then I would choose Catherine with no hesitation whatsoever. Not that I want to sleep with Catherine or anything, but she is an attractive woman. She's just not a woman I would want to be with because she's my mother.
Okay I just figured out how to double the queasy factor.
"You going to try and talk to Catherine?" Nikki asks doing me the favor of making my brain focus on something else.
"I'm not too sure what I would say to her. I don't think I could use our relationship as a reference point."
Nikki props her head up on the center of my chest. "Does that mean you're not going to tell your parents about my infidelity?"
I chuckle softly. "I don't think that would be a good idea. You do still want them to like you, right?"
"You don't think they would understand?"
My hand runs down her back. "Catherine kicked Mom out of the house for kissing someone else. I don't think us bragging about sleeping with other people would be fully understood." My head falls further back into the pillow. "They already think that we are too young to commit to each other."
"Yeah." She sighs heavily. "Sometimes, I think they just tolerate our relationship."
"They love you, Nik."
"I know," Nikki leans down and kisses my sternum. "I think they just love me more when I'm not sleeping with you."
"It's different for them, y'know? Their entire relationship is so much different than ours. It took them, like, years to find each other and then a couple more years after that to actually get along. I'm still not too clear on the specifics of how they got together or what even made them decide to be together."
"You mean you never asked them about it?" Nikki sounds genuinely surprised by this.
I shake my head. "I never really thought to. To me, they were kind of always this package deal. I've never known them to be apart. It's hard for me to even imagine that now." I shift around a little. "Did you ask them about it?"
"Catherine said they had a hate love relationship that eventually led to them fucking like animals in the back of one of their city issued vehicles after a hard case."
"See," I say through a laugh, "Catherine would have never told me that. Thank God."
"You do know that they have sex, right?"
"I've had my suspicions," I say as seriously as I possibly can.
We smile at each other then Nikki moves so that she's covering my body with hers. "I wouldn't be too worried about them, Mel."
"I don't think I really am." I whisper. "I know it's been really hard on them ever since I blew into their lives. Mom's having to face everything that's happened to her and Catherine is facing it, too." My gaze leaves hers. "I haven't made anything easy for them."
Nikki runs her hand down my face then forces me to meet her gaze again. "It's been hard, Mel, but they got you for a daughter and I say that's got to be more than a fair trade."
I smile weakly. "It doesn't take away the pain."
Nikki leans in closer to me. "It's not supposed to." She closes the gap between us but right as our lips touch there's a knock at the front door. Perhaps Nikki and I aren't supposed to be left alone today. She rolls off of me and I jump off the bed and hurry to the door before the pounding wakes Mom up. Although, judging by her dead to the world sleeping, I don't think a rocket explosion could wake her up right now.
I open the door and am a little unsettled to see Catherine standing outside. I step up to her, closing the door softly behind me. We look at each other for a moment and her deep blue gaze is starting to make me feel uncomfortable. A couple of tears fall from her eyes and she doesn't bother to wipe them away. "Is she here?"
I nod. I can't think of anything to say.
"Did she tell you what happened?"
I cross my arms in front of me. "Only the highlights."
Catherine mimics my stance. "God, Mel, I don't know how to help her. I don't even know if I have the strength anymore."
"I'm sorry." My arms drop to my sides and I want to reach out to her but I'm not entirely sure that if I hugged her right now I would be the one offering comfort. I just might turn out to be the person asking for it.
"No," Catherine wipes at her face. "I'm the one that should be sorry. We shouldn't drag you into this."
I shrug. "Maybe, maybe not."
She looks away from me then turns back and her eyes are asking me for help. Catherine really doesn't know what to do this time, and I guess for some reason she expects that I might actually have the answers. Maybe she thinks that I can understand my mother more than she can. Maybe she thinks I can tell her that Mom will get over this whole thing she's doing and everything will go back to the way things were…before.
"I'm going to do the best I can, Cath." I guess that means that I'm going to have to start talking about Laura Sidle again. I guess that means that I'm going to have to hear Mom's stories instead of telling my own. That must mean that I'm going to have to deal with my conception without the anger that usual accompanies the story, because it's Mom's anger that I'll have to work through. It means that I might have to deal with Mom saying she was angry at me just like I was angry at her. "I'll do whatever I have to."
The door opens behind me and by the look on Catherine's face I can tell that it's not Nikki who's standing behind me. Mom stumbles past me, and by just looking at her I can't tell what she's going to do. I can only hope it's not something stupid. She opens her mouth and I feel the sudden urge to interrupt her, because I'm not entirely confident that she's not going to say something that will make things that much worse for her and for me. I know that when I was reaching my lowest point I said a whole lot of things that I wish I hadn't. Sometimes pain talks a lot more loudly than one person can control.
"Did you come here to get her to kick me out too?" See, I knew I should have said something first. "She doesn't have to listen to you. She's my daughter not yours."
"Hey!" I turn to face my mother. "Both of you are my parents, equally." Although, Catherine feels a little more like a mother, but I don't think this would be the time and place to admit that. I probably should never admit that, actually.
"Fine!" Sara spits out at me. "I'll leave."
I grab onto her arm before she can go anywhere. "Go back inside, please."
She looks at me and I know she's contemplating a fight. Lucky for me, I'm taller and stronger than she is. I may have given up playing sports competitively but I still have an athlete's body. I worked too hard for it to just let it wither away.
Mom must sense that I'm not going to back down and that she can't intimidate me, because she turns around and goes back inside. She probably would have done herself a favor if she had at least tried to apologize to Catherine once instead of being all with the attitude.
I turn back to Catherine who looks a lot angrier than she did just a few moments ago. "Was I that bad?" I ask already knowing what her answer will be, but some of the anger has drained away from her features so asking the question was worth it.
"You were worse."
I smirk. "Of course I was." My smirk fades. "Some of this is my fault." I see the protest forming and I speak up so that she doesn't lie to me. "I'm a big girl now, Catherine. I can face the truth that me coming to Vegas didn't make your lives easier."
She lays her hand on my shoulder. "We don't regret anything, and any problems that are between Sara and me were there long before you showed up."
"Okay," I say through a sigh. My left hand runs through my hair and I shift my stance. "I should probably go back inside and make sure that Sara isn't beating up on Nikki."
Catherine nods and her hand falls from my shoulder. "Okay, Sweetie."
Aw hell. I jump at her and wrap my arms around her body. It doesn't matter who is offering who comfort. There isn't a rule that I know of that says that the comfort can't be mutual. Her arms go around me and already I'm starting to feel better and by how Catherine's body has relaxed a little perhaps she's starting to feel a little better too.
"If you need anything you call me," I whisper to her. "I'm not just here for Mom and Nikki isn't either."
She pulls away from me and her tears have returned. I don't wipe them away for her, because I think she needs them right now. I step away from her and as much as I wish that there was some way that I could invite her inside and be with her, I can't. It's not really possible for me to be there for both of them at the exact same time, and right now I think Mom is in need of some tough love. I'm not going to sit down and watch her ruin her life and push away her family because she's got some childhood issues. She wouldn't let me do it, neither of them would.
"I've already forgiven her for this," Catherine tells me as my hand goes to the doorknob.
"I already figured," I tell the door. If she hadn't forgiven Mom then she wouldn't have been standing at my doorstep.
"I can't promise that I always will, though." Her voice sounds a lot…harder when she says that. "I've already been forced to survive through one abusive relationship and I won't suffer through another, not even for Sara."
I know she's not talking about physical abuse. She's talking about the emotional kind, the kind that leaves scars that no one can see. "I wouldn't want you to," I look at her over my shoulder. "Not even for Mom."
We understand each other perfectly. I turn back to the door and I can already hear Catherine's footsteps fading away. I think she just might be the strongest woman that I've ever met, but even she can't be strong forever. I wouldn't even ask her to try. It wouldn't be fair of anyone else to ask that of her.
I take a deep breath then open the door. Mom is waiting for me but she doesn't look nearly as angry as she did when she stepped outside just a few minutes ago. She almost looks like she's realized that she screwed up. Nikki is hanging out in the kitchen, probably doing her best to stay out of Mom's way. "She forgives you." Relief washes over Mom's face. "But that doesn't give you a free pass," I add quickly. "What you did was still wrong."
Mom snorts. "Like you're one to judge," she mutters but I still hear her perfectly.
"I'm the perfect one to judge," I can't hold the anger completely at bay. I don't think that I can actually be neutral. I am so biased right now.
Mom shakes her head. "I shouldn't even be here."
"Well you have to be somewhere," Nikki says from behind her, "and I don't suggest you go to work right now."
"That would be better than being yelled at by my daughter."
This may be completely wrong of me, especially in a moment like this, but hearing Mom call me her daughter still makes me happy. I'm almost completely willing to forget everything she's done just because she's admitted that she's getting yelled at by me, although I'm not yelling at her. My tone might sound a little angry but I haven't raised my voice.
"No it wouldn't," Nikki replies. "Now isn't the best time to see Grissom."
"Despite the rumors of me being madly in love with him, I'm not really that interested."
Thank God. "Then why did you kiss him?"
"He was there." Nikki and I both understand that more than Mom probably knows. "Besides, Nikki," she continues, "you should know not to believe all the rumors."
"What do you mean?" Nikki nervously asks.
"There are rumors about you and some EMT too," Mom explains.
I wonder if it was the EMT who was at the door this morning.
Nikki is looking at me and I'm not quite sure what she expects me to do. Unfortunately, Mom is a lot more observant than Nikki probably wants. She can read body language well enough and her job does require for her to notice things that would probably remain unnoticed by others. "Are they just rumors?" Mom asks Nikki.
Nikki looks to me again, but all she's going to get from me is my silence. I can't defend her because I'm not really involved in these rumors. If Mom is going to get a lie then it has to come from Nikki. "I would never hurt Mel, Sara, you know that."
That's not a lie. It's not exactly the whole truth either. "I trust Nikki, Mom." That's not a lie either, and it must satisfy Mom somewhat because she turns away from studying Nikki and looks down at the floor. I think it's time we take a break from all this. At least I know that I could use a break. "Why don't you just go to the bedroom and rest, Mom? We don't need to do all this in one day."
Mom nods. "Yeah." She walks away from me and goes to the bedroom. She shuts the door behind her. She probably feels like being alone right now. I don't blame her.
I turn my attention to Nikki who is still staring at the bedroom door. I walk up to her and wrap my arms around her. She turns in my embrace and wraps her arms around me too. "Your parents are going to find out about what I've done," she tells me softly.
"Maybe, but it doesn't really matter. We understand each other, Nik." We always have and that's what's really important. We both understand that sometimes we can become overwhelmed and we need someone who is 'there' to help keep us away from whatever dark place we were falling into, and we can't always be there for each other. Sex isn't the best way to handle things, no one needs to tell either of us that, but habits are sometimes hard to break.
"I love you, Mel, and I did make that appointment. It's next Wednesday."
"Okay," I lean further into Nikki's arms. I don't know if I can help Mom enough so that she doesn't lose her relationship, but I at least know that I can work hard enough to keep mine. The real question, I guess, is going to be whether that will be enough for me. "I love you too, Nik."
Chapter 4
Nikki's gone into work, and I called my boss and quit my paid internship at the neuroscience research lab on campus. That's definitely going to leave a bad mark on my record, but I simply don't have the time to do it anymore. Other more important things have come up. Although, I don't think I'm going to admit to either of my parents that I've quit just yet. They were so proud of me getting that opportunity that they'd probably just get back together for however long it took them to nag at me about giving up such an important and prestigious internship. Then, once they're through with me they just might turn on each other blaming the other for making me feel the need to quit. Who knows?
I'm just going to have to tell them that I took a leave of absence. Maybe they'll both be too distracted to bother and ask questions. At least I can hope that they are, although my life probably offers them a good diversion from theirs. I don't exactly like keeping secrets, but I don't necessarily believe that they need to know everything even if that is what they believe.
Before Nikki left, I did get a chance at asking her if the woman who showed up at our doorstep earlier this morning was the EMT Mom was talking about; she promised me that it wasn't the same woman. She said that I've never met the EMT, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I never will. Due to my parents' job and Nikki's job I've often met members of the Las Vegas emergency services.
Nikki and I both know that if I ever do meet this woman, I'm not going to turn the introductions into an Ultimate Fighter match. I won't do anything at all; perhaps that's why Nikki didn't hesitate to tell me her name. I wouldn't hesitate telling Nikki the graduate student's name I had 'relations' with either.
It's not that I'm proud of what either of us has done. I'm not. To a certain extent, I'm disappointed in both of us and am a little disgusted by it, because we actually used other people. We didn't care about their feelings or about what might happen to them after we were through with them. We just used them. I cared a lot less about that when I was younger and in a manic episode. I cared a lot less about a whole lot then, but I can't help but care about it now and think about consequences when before I hardly even knew how to pronounce the word.
So no, if I ever meet that EMT, her name's Justine, I won't try and attack her out of a jealous lover's rage. I'll feel sorry for her and maybe that's just as bad. I don't know. She probably wouldn't want that from me. It's hard to decide how to feel about these things. Sometimes I wish that I could just sit down with Mom and ask her about all this, but I don't think that I actually can because Mom did things differently than I did.
Mom hides herself away and locks herself up. She self-destructs from the inside out while I go about it the other way. I tear myself apart from the outside in. She might start drinking, but at least her first decision isn't to just try and fuck the pain away. I've slept with so many more people than she has, but hey, at least I'm not an alcoholic, right? Mom says that alcohol isn't her problem. I say she didn't need to tell me that. That part is obvious, because sex wasn't my problem either.
When all my doctors put their brains together and figured out that I was bi-polar that wasn't the only thing that was wrong with me. Being bi-polar was just a condition that I could work through and learn to live with. It wasn't the big excuse for all of my behavior, although it did answer for some of the extreme things that I had done. A lot of what I did was a result of what I had been put through as a child. The torture that I endured, and the memories my brain felt the need to suppress really acted as the coal that kept my fire burning out of control. I had to deal with all of that first, then I could focus on being bi-polar.
I don't think Mom is bi-polar. I'm sure that someone would have caught onto that by now, especially since I've been around. I think that she just hasn't completely dealt with what our…her parents have completely done to us, and I don't think I can even begin to understand how she feels about what they did to me. I honestly don't know how she feels now about having left me with them.
I remember that a while ago Catherine was upset at me because I didn't really understand what Mom was going through. I think she just got frustrated with me always taking all my pain and anger out on Mom since she was an easy target. It hadn't fully occurred to me, yet, that Mom and I had actually endured a lot of the same hardships. My brain never really got the fact that my tormentors were hers as well. Maybe, three years ago I wasn't ready to face that, but now I get it. I have no idea how to talk about it with Mom, but at least I understand that my mother didn't walk away from me and her parents without any scars.
"What are you doing?" Mom has finally woken up and realized that I'm sitting on the edge of the bed watching her sleep.
I turn my eyes away from her. "Waiting for you to wake up, I guess."
She props herself up and rubs at her face. "What time is it?"
I'd say that it's time for her to get her shit together, but that may not be too well received and is probably not the way I want to bring up her past. "Sometime in the evening," I tell the bedroom window, still not quit able to turn back and look at my mother lying on the bed. "Nikki has gone to work. She promised to tell Mr. Grissom that you needed a sick day."
"Should I thank you?" I haven't always enjoyed Mom's sarcasm, but I'm sure she hasn't always been a fan of mine either.
Mom and I have always been quick to fight, or maybe it was just me who was quick to fight with her. Either way, I can't let a fight break out now. I guess that means that I'm going to have to acquire some patience. "Only if you really want to. I'm not going to ask for it."
"What are you going to ask for?" I can tell, even though I'm not looking at her, that she's sitting up on the bed now. Hopefully she's not ready to run away, because I don't feel like chasing after her.
"Mom, I just want you to tell me what it is that you're too afraid to share with Catherine." I know I'm not exactly asking for something simple. "I want you to tell me why it is you've decided to act like you are."
"You know what it is."
The coldness in Mom's voice forces me to turn to her. "I can put a name to it, but I'm a little low on all the details of all the emotional shit that comes with it."
The silence that follows my words leads me to believe that Mom isn't going to say anything. I can understand why she doesn't want to. So instead of forcing her to talk I lay myself down next to her and pull her back down with me. I settle my arms across her and the comfort I get from being snuggled up to her almost overwhelms me. We may be more like sisters than mother and daughter, but the few times we've actually been this close I can only ever think of her as my Mommy, no matter how childish that might be. When we're like this, I know that she's mine and that I'm really lucky to have been given the chance to know it.
"I don't think I told you," I whisper into her chest, "but I remembered something the other day."
Her hand starts rubbing circles on my back. "What?"
"I was almost two when you left, right?"
Her hand stills just for a split second. "Yeah."
"I remember leaning against your legs in the kitchen." For a long time I thought I had just made the memory up in a desperate attempt to cling onto something that didn't seem so negative. "I had my arms wrapped around your leg and you were looking down at me. You had your hand on my back. You were smiling, Mom."
She blinks a few times and I can hear her swallow. "Every time I sat down, you would hug my leg," her voice sounds a little coarse. "I would try to sit you down in my lap, but you wanted to stand up on your own."
I find myself blinking away my own tears. "But I didn't want to let you go."
"When I got kicked out, Mel, I thought of taking you with me. I even packed a bag for you." Tears escape from her eyes and it makes my own free themselves as well. "I had everything ready and I had you in my arms, but when I got to the door I realized that I didn't have anywhere to go. I didn't have any money and all I had was four diapers left in your bag. They wouldn't let me stay and I couldn't take you with me."
I close my eyes and take a deep breath then slowly release it. "I know. I-I understand."
"I thought they would kill me if I tried to stay. Worse, I thought they would hurt you to get back at me if I didn't leave. Mom said she would let you drown yourself in the bathtub."
"She must have used me a lot to threaten you."
Mom gives a slight nod. "I tried so hard to be perfect so that you would be safe."
"But perfection didn't exist to her, Mom."
"I know, but I still tried." She lets out a sardonic chuckle. "Then I fucked up."
"I don't think the gay thing was really that big of a deal to her," I tighten my hold on her. "I think it was just something else they could use to make you feel worthless. I think it was just something they knew they could use to kick you out and fuck us both up. They made you think you were too worthless to care for me and made me think that I was too worthless to be cared for."
"It hurts so much, Mel." Mom is sobbing now. Her body is shaking and I think the only thing that is keeping her on the bed is the hold I have on her. "They were able to hurt me so much."
"They were experts at it, Mom." They were bastards that probably deserved a much more painful death than the one they got.
I don't know what else I can say to her. I may have gotten her to talk about one thing that she went through, but I'm sure there's a lot more where that came from. I'm not exactly sure how many stories need to be told before things start getting better. I don't know how many stories I told before I started to feel better. It's hard to compartmentalize the stories into categories of which are the important ones that caused deep torment and which are the ones that caused just regular torment.
Mom doesn't know everything that happened to me while I lived with her parents. Catherine doesn't know and Nikki doesn't either. I doubt any of them will ever know everything. I doubt that even I could remember everything. I doubt that I would even want to remember everything. I have enough waking and sleeping nightmares to deal with already. I don't need to add anything else on, and I doubt that Mom does either.
On some days I remember things better than I do on others. I know that sounds weird, but that's just the way it is. Some days, I can almost completely forget anything has ever happened to me. Then there are those days that all I can think about is what happened. Since I've come to Vegas and have had family around me those days grow further and further apart, but I think also since I've come to Vegas that those days for Mom have grown closer and closer together.
I know that I have to be some kind of big fat neon glowing reminder to Mom of what happened to her. I've got some stories of abuse that match her own, but there's some that just don't match and never will. See, I was never raped. I was never blackmailed into walking away from my child. I never had to deal with my daughter hating me and then try to unknowingly off herself in some stranger's apartment. I never had my homosexuality used against me like it was used against Mom.
Maybe Catherine and Mom are equally the strongest person I've ever met.
"I've already forgiven you for everything." Her sobs have died down and I have finally found some more words to say. "I'm not even sure anymore whether you have anything to be forgiven for. It seems kind of ridiculous now, me forgiving you if you think about it." I pull an arm from around her so that I can wipe at my face. "It's like I'm saying that I forgive you for being raped and giving me life or that I forgive you for being emotionally and physically tortured by your parents."
"Hey!" the passion in her voice startles me and my hand flies from my face and into hers.
"I'm sorry," I blurt out immediately and jump up into a sitting position. "I'm so sorry." I look at where I hit her on the forehead and it looks a little red but not really that severe.
"It's fine." She rubs at her forehead, but her hand quickly drops and I know that whatever had her passionately screaming at me before isn't going to be put off too much longer. "I didn't do everything right, Mel."
"But you didn't do everything wrong either."
"No." She grabs onto my hands, perhaps to prevent me from hitting her again. "I did a lot of things that were wrong. I shouldn't have stayed away from you for so long. Once I had my first stable job I should have come to you and got you away from them. I knew who and what they were and I somehow talked myself into believing they could be different for you when Mom had already threatened you."
Well that is true, sort of. I probably wouldn't have complained if she came in and took me away. It was something I had dreamed of from time to time or my whole life, just whatever.
"As soon as I gathered enough courage to tell Catherine about you, she started planning an entire rescue mission but I stopped her." Her gaze shifts down to our joined hands and I don't think now would be the best time to bring up the fact that I'm starting to lose circulation in them since she's squeezing onto them so hard. "I wasn't ready to deal with any of it, yet, and if they hadn't died then I might never have…" her words stop, but I know what she was going to say.
Personally, I'd like to think that she would have come even if they hadn't died. I don't know if that's really what would have happened though. Their deaths forced us both to do some things that we probably really didn't want to do. It changed a lot of things that I thought would never be changed. I mean, I always had this plan to go to school and play sports and just make an escape from everything. I was going to change my name so that the Sidles would never exist in my world again.
Fast forward just a few years later and I'm in school, but I'm not doing any sports. I might have been good at basketball but I didn't really love the sport. It was just a tool to get me to where I thought I needed to go. My name is still Sidle and I don't see myself ever giving that up. I share the surname with my mother. It's the only thing that never separated us.
"I love you, Mom, no matter what might have happened." It's the only thing I can offer her.
She lets go of my hands and swings her legs off the bed. "Okay." She stands up and walks over to the bathroom. "I love you too." She walks through the doorway and closes and locks the bathroom door behind her. It only takes a few minutes before I can hear her sobbing through the other side of the door, and as much as I would like to run up to the door and pound my fists against it demanding entry, I know that's not the best thing to do. So I lie back down on the bed and close my eyes and, just for a moment, try to focus on something else besides our pain.
Continued...