Part 5
Chapter 9
Hindsight tells me that Mom and I probably should have thought of a place to stay that wasn't my grandparents' former bed and breakfast, but we were just so determined to complete the drive I think we forgot to think of some of the details. We passed plenty of hotels on our way here, but didn't once think to stop and get a room. We were focused on getting here, and we have accomplished that; so our original plan can be called a success.
The fact that Mom and I didn't once talk about what we would do once we got into town, not so much a success. I don't think this is something I'm going to want to admit later to Catherine or Nikki, because it might show my lack of foresight. It doesn't speak volumes for Mom's foresight either.
So now we're just stuck, sitting in my little Toyota, looking out at the bed and breakfast that used to be our home. The welcome sign is mocking me and I have the childish compulsion to go outside and start kicking at it until it topples over. Perhaps if my grandparents still owned the place, then I wouldn't hesitate to destroy the welcome sign, but they're dead and destroying the sign would just be me committing vandalism on property that is probably owned by very nice people, or at least owned by people who might have me arrested for destroying their property.
"We need to find someplace else to say," Mom finally says after we've been sitting here staring at this relatively small building for a good fifteen minutes.
"I'm liking that idea." Another urge to smash one of the windows with a rock comes over and me and it's probably best I'm too tired at this point to attempt at throwing anything. At this point, if I could even make the effort I probably couldn't propel the rock hard enough to smash anything. It'd probably just fall right in front of me, making me look like a weak little child.
Mom starts up the car, but before she gets a chance to pull away from the building a woman comes out of it waving at us. She comes up to Mom's window. Mom looks at me and I give her a look letting her know that the nice thing to do would be to roll down her window and greet the woman. Under my breath, I mutter, "Glad she didn't come to my window." I might have had to pretend that I was blind and couldn't see her, and deaf so I couldn't hear her tapping.
Mom gives me a look back and I think she was even able to hear my muttered words, but she does roll down the window, but doesn't offer any form of verbal greeting. She looks a little intimidating right now, actually. I've seen this look on her before and it was while she was working. I remember it so well because the first time I saw it, it's like I actually saw my mother disappear right in front of me. She became this other person whose intents and focuses had evolved into a personality I wasn't used to seeing.
I'm still not completely used to seeing it, but at least I understand it better now. I understand that she puts on a new personality to do her job, so that the one that lies underneath it doesn't get as hurt as it possibly could while doing her day to day work stuff. I understand it because while I did my internship with her and with the rest of the forensics department, I had to put on a new personality too so that everything didn't seep into my psyche. That doesn't mean that the personality that I showed wasn't genuine, because it was. I think all it did-all it was supposed to do-was to hide away some of my more fragile parts.
I've even seen the same change take place with Catherine, and the same with Nikki. This is the first time I've seen it with Mom, though, when there's no work around to demand it. So maybe it's possible that I'm not the only one in this car right now that wants to destroy signs and break windows.
"I saw you ladies sitting out here looking lost and wondered if you need help with anything." The woman tells us as she leans down and braces herself against the top of the driver's side car door. "Did you need a place to stay? If you do then you're in luck because we just had a cancellation this morning."
"We're fine," Mom says and I hold back from informing the stranger that we're not lost at all. We just didn't plan ahead, despite the ten hours worth of time we had to do so. Although, I'll maintain that we did do a lot of positive communicating during that ten hours that might add up to be more important than the positive benefits of planning ahead.
"Are you here for the convention?" The woman asks.
"Convention?" Mom asks taking the words right out of my mouth.
The woman nods. "It's the third annual convention for LGBT parents and their children." I didn't even know such a thing existed. "The convention takes place in San Francisco but a lot of the convention goers make their way out here. Not everyone enjoys vacationing in the city. Tomales Bay has a lot to offer that the city doesn't."
"What are the chances of us finding a room somewhere else at this time?" I ask, knowing that somehow our timing is going to kick us in the ass and make us stay in this place that I'm having urges to physically destroy.
She leans further into the window, invading Mom's personal space a little. "The convention starts tomorrow, so I would say your chances aren't that great."
We could always sleep in the car. Mom and I could make it work. We're very capable women. "This is crazy," Mom mumbles and I couldn't agree more with her at this point. "How much for the room?" she asks the woman, making me perk right up.
"You're not serious." Staying here isn't an option.
Mom turns to me. "What do you suggest, Melinda? We've been on the road for the last ten hours."
"Where did you ladies come from?" the woman asks and I'm almost tempted to tell her to shut up and go away.
"Las Vegas." Mom answers, but her attention is still fully on me. She wants me to tell her that it's okay to do this.
I'm really tired right now. I think I might have been awake for a lot longer than I ever need to be because I'm going to agree to this. I'm going to say that it's okay we stay in my grandparents' former house. I might even okay it if we were put in the same room I stayed in as a child. Who knows what could happen at this point.
If we had brought a third person with us, then they could have driven us back to San Francisco and then driven all around the city until we found a room to stay in that was nowhere near this place. It's just us, though. There's no one else to drive us around while we drool out our exhaustion.
My eyes capture the woman looking over at me through Mom's window. "We'll take the room."
The woman nods and opens the driver's side door for Mom. I kick open my own door and then push myself out of the car. My legs buckle a little when I first stand, but they catch up to what's going on and quickly take my weight. There's a slight ache in my feet and legs so I do my best to stretch out a little.
I stretch out my arms, then my legs. I bounce up and down a couple of times and swing my arms around. Then, I take a few deep breaths and let my lungs fill with the fresh air. I release each breath slowly and am about to start a new round of breathing exercises when Mom calls out my name.
When I look over at her, she and the woman who talked her into this insanity are staring at me from the B&B's entrance. Mom is giving me a look, letting me know she's not amused with the show that I just put on. She's looking at me like she doesn't really believe that I needed to do all the stretching that I did. She must think that I was trying to stall.
I walk up to the both of them and the woman opens the door for us. She starts talking about her business and how much renovating they've done over the years. Then she goes on to talk about the Tomales Bay area and I think I hear the words 'coastal estuary' once or twice.
"We're not going to stay long," Mom finally interrupts the woman. I'm happy she does, because if she hadn't spoken up then I would have and I might not have been as nice about it.
"Well just in case you find yourselves in need of anything at all, just let me know." I think this woman smiles too much. I didn't know that was possible, but she makes me believe that it is.
Eventually a credit card exchanges hands and the woman shows us to our room. She might have thrown in an introduction of herself along the way, but I tuned her out when I realized that Mom was going to take care of everything.
The room we're taken to is not my old one. It's not my parent's old room either. That one is downstairs. So, I can see myself sleeping semi-comfortably in here.
"This is my old room," Mom tells me after I've fallen onto the only bed in the room. Her words are like a hot fire poker stabbing me in the ass so I jump off the bed like it just burnt through the back of my clothes.
"We don't have to stay here," I offer. "I'm good with sleeping in the car. I'll even drive around the entire state until we find someplace else to stay." My heart is in the right place, but realistically I think we both know that I'm not driving anywhere anytime soon. Massive amounts of coffee wouldn't help me out at this point.
Mom sits on the bed and since she does it, I do too. She's looking around which also makes me look around. Thus far, I've really been focused on not thinking about how this place used to look. I've been trying to not remember anything about this place, and my fatigue was helping me out with that until Mom started talking.
I don't remember this room as being hers. By the time I was aware of the space around me, Mom was already gone. My grandmother had long since thrown anything out that was Mom's or that reminded her of Mom…well except me. She didn't throw me out.
This room was just another guestroom to me. I remember the bed was pushed against the wall where that dresser is now. It had a comforter on it that was covered with pictures of sunflowers. I never really liked it much. The one on the bed now is much better. It's just plain blue. I like plain.
They've redone the floors too. When I lived here, the wood wasn't so dark. It looks like it's been refinished. It looks a lot better than it ever did before. It's not buckled in the corner by the closet door anymore. The wallpaper is gone as well. In its place is adobe colored paint.
The room has an entire different feel than it did when I was a child. There's still nothing too personal in it though. That's something I've always remembered about this room. Laura never kept anything personal in here at all. So despite all the stuff that filled it, it always seemed kind of empty.
Mom gets up then walks over to the closet. She opens the door and takes a step inside. "They didn't cover it up," she tells me like I actually know what it is she's talking about.
"What?" I get up off the bed and drag myself over to the closet so I can stand next to her.
"This." She's rubbing her hand over some markings in the wood at the corner of the closet.
The markings don't look like anything to me from where I'm standing, so I bend down to look at them. If I didn't know better then I would say that they were our initials. "Are those our initials?"
She nods then starts pulling on the floorboards. One of them comes loose to reveal a very small space underneath it. Mom bravely reaches inside the space and pulls out a picture then hands it over to me.
I take it from her without thinking and when I look down at it, my legs buckle and I fall down to the closet floor. "I never knew there were any pictures," I whisper. "I thought she destroyed everything."
"I thought one day you would find it."
"I wasn't much of an explorer." I just left everything alone so that I wouldn't get in trouble. I was always very careful with this room since my grandmother seemed to pay the most attention to me while I cleaned this one up after the guests had left.
I turn the picture over and written on the back is words that I never got a chance to hear from my mother until I was sixteen years old: 'I love you, Melinda'.
I turn the picture back around and stare at the image that is the only one that exists. It's Sara holding me as a baby and she's smiling. I never really pictured her smiling before as she held me, but this is proof that she did smile at least once before she was forced out of the house, and it's proof that I smiled back.
"Can I keep this?" I'm careful not to get any fingerprints on the picture. I don't want to smudge it up.
"It's always been yours." She moves so that she's leaning against the closet wall with me. "I wouldn't mind a copy though."
I wipe at my eyes with the back of my forearm. "We can make copies for everyone."
We sit for a while staring down at the picture of us. I want to hold onto this moment, but I'm just too tired to. My body starts to betray me and a yawn rips itself from me. Mom chuckles a bit, and then tells me to go ahead and get ready for bed.
A part of me wants to protest her suggestion, but another yawn forces its way out and any protests I can give at this point would be token at best. So I stand up and offer my hand out to Mom so that I can help her up. She clasps our hands together and her weight makes me topple over a little. I fall a little on top of her causing her to release my hand so she can put up her arms to prevent me from crushing her.
We laugh a little as I get my balance back and as she finally gets a chance to stand up. She wraps an arm around my waist to further steady me then leads me back to the bed. I kick my shoes off into a corner then go ahead and lay back.
There are no clothes for me to change into, since I didn't bother to get my duffel bag out of the car. I still don't harbor any plans to stay here for longer than necessary.
"Are you going to take off your jacket?" Mom asks me. "You might be more comfortable if you do."
"Does that mean I have to sit back up to do it?" I whine.
"Probably."
"Then it's fine." I reach into its pocket and take out my cell phone, though, since it is poking me in the side.
Mom reaches over and takes the phone from me, "I'll call Catherine to tell her we're here."
I give my grunt of approval as I close my eyes and better situate myself on the bed. There're a few quick beeps from my phone, then a moment of silence until Mom whispers, "We're here," to who I can only assume is Catherine.
"Mel is trying to sleep," she continues to whisper and if I had the energy I would turn around and tell her that it doesn't matter if she whispers or not, because we're the only two people in this room and I don't have a problem hearing what it is she's saying.
"Yeah, we're staying at my parents old B&B."
The reminder she's just given my brain gets pushed away. For me, at least right now, we're just in a room, in a place that is completely new and a little foreign to me. Never mind the picture I still hold in my hand of me and my mother that was just recovered from this particular space.
"Cath call Nikki." In my head that started out as a full sentence full of pleases and thank yous.
What feels like a hand covers my shoulder. I'll take that as Sara saying she'll communicate my request to Catherine. So, I roll over and curl up on the bed, no longer concerned with hearing any part of the conversation that is going on right next to me.
Personally, I don't even know how it is that Mom is still sitting up. She must have more stamina than I do, or maybe it's the fact that she slept throughout the day a little-was it yesterday-that she has more energy at the moment to spare. My brain tries to focus on counting the days, but soon gives up. When I wake up and get a chance to look at my cell phone it will give me all the information it is I need to know, and what it doesn't tell me Mom can.
Chapter 10
A long groan escapes me as my mind seeks out consciousness. A rush of aches and pain floods my brain as I force my eyes open. I lift my torso up a little so I can get a better look at my body. My legs are splayed out across the bed in a different position than my chest. One foot is buried under my mother's calf while the other is almost hanging off the edge of the bed.
A small whimper escapes my lips as I straighten up my body. I'm careful with my movement, not just because I hurt, but also because I don't want to wake up my mother. She's sleeping-in what looks like a position that is a lot more comfortable than my own was-with my cell phone placed next to her head.
I reach over for the phone so, that I can check and make sure that there isn't anyone hanging out on the other end waiting for someone to say something. I put the phone to my ear then say a soft hello. When no one responds, I say a louder hello just to make doubly sure that if I hang up I'm not going to be hanging up on anyone.
Some kind of grunt comes from the other end that startles me and I drop the phone. I hurriedly pick it back up and say hello again.
"Mel?" It's Catherine's voice.
"Good morning?" I look around for a clock to try and confirm that my 'guesstimation' of the time is correct. Finding no clock I take a look down at my phone only to see that it's been connected to Cath's phone for a little over three hours. I didn't even know that my cell phone battery could last three hours.
"What time is it?"
"That's a good question," I carefully get up off the bed, still very mindful of my mother's sleeping form. I don't know how long it took her to finally get to sleep so I don't want to be the one responsible for waking her. She deserves her sleep just like I deserved mine.
I shuffle out of the room and as I turn around from softly closing the door behind me, I almost fall over from the waves of memories that submerge my neural pathways into the reality of my past. "It wasn't a nightmare," I say into the phone.
"You had a nightmare?"
Catherine's voice startles me since I wasn't exactly expecting a response to my comment. "No," I eventually answer. "I'm just remembering that I really am staying in one of my childhood homes."
"I think we were hoping for the same dream," she admits to me and I'm surprised by her candor. Maybe she's not fully awake yet.
I give my head a couple of shakes and blink my eyes a few times to wipe away the memories. I need to make it downstairs so that I can get to my car and take my medicine. I'll also need to retrieve my phone charger since the battery is about to die. I don't plan on staying on the phone for much longer, but if my phone dies then that makes Mom and me unreachable and I know a few people who would be very unhappy with that.
"How are you doing, Mel?"
Once again, Catherine's voice startles me. I almost trip on my way down the stairs, but catch myself before I fall like an uncoordinated idiot. "I feel better since I got a chance to sleep." At least my brain feels like it's cleared up a little bit, which means I can start concentrating on Mom and me getting out of here. That's really important at this point.
"But how are you doing?" She asks again, and since my brain is more awake I know what kind of answer she's aiming to get.
I slide past the woman who led me into this place and out the door. I'm not in the mood to be assaulted by the lady's happiness. "I'm a little freaked, but…" I don't have an ending for the sentence. There isn't an ending for it. I've already told Catherine that I'm committed to this, so that's just the way it is. This isn't going to be easy.
My duffel bag is still in the backseat and it seems like Mom didn't remember to lock my car doors, which is a good thing since I forgot to grab my keys. I open the door and reach in for it. When I realize Catherine has been silent for a little longer than I expected, I take a look at my phone and realize that my phone battery has finally given up.
I put my phone in my pocket and sling my duffel bag over my shoulder. I lock the car doors and make my way back to the entrance of the B&B. As I step through the door, the woman-whose name I still don't know-approaches me and starts telling me about food and something she refers to as 'mingling time' with the other guests.
If we're still here when 'mingling time' arrives, then it's quite possible that I might actually explode. As soon as Sara wakes up, we are finding someplace else to stay. I'm not in the mood to socialize right now. I'm hardly ever in the mood to socialize with people, especially people that I don't know. Although, food does sound good.
"Let me check in with my Mom; then we can see what we'll do." I make sure to smile back so that I don't get called rude later.
"Your mother?" She asks, surprised. Hopefully she doesn't think that my mother is my…I can't even think it. "You look so much like sisters." Thank God.
"We get that a lot." My smile this time is genuine, but quickly falls away when my brain catches up to the fact that the picture my mother gave me is no longer in my possession.
Before I run back up stairs to make sure that it still exists, I say a quick goodbye to our hostess. I take the stairs two at a time and practically throw open the door in my hurry. I drop my duffel bag to the floor and make my way back over to the bed.
Mom is still sleeping so I'm still careful not to wake her, but I become less and less careful as my search turns up nothing. I check under the covers that I never bothered to use, but still can't find it. I look to the floor and get on my hands and knees to see if I dropped it in my sleep. There's nothing there either.
When I look back up, I'm met by Mom's eyes and I fall back on my butt. "What are you doing?" She asks me.
"I'm looking for the picture," I do my best to not sound panicked. "I think I might have dropped it while I was sleeping."
Mom's face disappears but, when she returns, she has the picture in hand and is offering it over to me. "When I realized how you practically dislocate your body in your sleep, I took it away so that you wouldn't crush it."
Greedily, I reach out for the picture and immediately look down at it once it's back in my possession. My heartbeat slows back down and I can feel my breathing start to regulate itself. I don't want to say that I was panicking, but maybe I might have been a little close to panicking. I just got this, and I would really hate to lose it now.
"Hey Mel," Mom's voice grabs my attention. "It's okay."
I nod a couple of times. "I know." I stand back up and walk over to my forgotten duffel bag. I bend down and pick it up then carry it back over to the bed. I unzip it and place the picture inside of it. This is a picture that I really don't want to lose.
My cell phone charger catches my eye, and I hurry to pull it out as I realize that Catherine is probably waiting for me to call her back. She may actually be the one who is panicking now. As soon as the charger and phone are plugged in, I turn back on my phone and dial Catherine's number.
She immediately picks up and I immediately start to apologize telling her that my phone died. "It's okay, Mel," she interrupts my apology.
"I'm still sorry. It's just that I got distracted because I thought I lost the picture Mom gave me." I hurry to explain. I know this is hard on Catherine too, and I don't want to make it harder on her. I think she's already shown a lot of patience just by staying in Las Vegas. Whatever Mom said to her-either earlier in the car or while I slept-must have been enough to settle Catherine down a little.
"She told me about that," I can hear the smile in her voice. "I can't wait to see it."
"I wish I would have found it earlier," I easily admit.
"I think it's best you got it now."
Maybe she's right, I don't know. If I had found it earlier, Laura probably wouldn't have let me keep it, but I would have known not to let her see me with it. I would have known not to let her find out that the picture even existed. I would have carried it with me everywhere. Eventually, I could have found a safe place for it at school-could have kept it in one of my athletic lockers or something.
"Did you call Nikki?" I'll make sure to give her a call too, but I just want to make sure they didn't forget.
"Yes, she stayed here when she got off work."
"Did she take Lindsey out?" Hopefully she didn't. Lindsey doesn't need to be spoiled like that.
"It was her choice, Mel." Catherine tells me. "Besides, it's probably good she had something else to focus on for a while. You should call her."
"I'm going to." Mom is standing next to me so I turn to her. "Did you want to continue your never ending conversation with Catherine?" I offer the phone to her and she immediately takes it. "We should have brought your cell phone." I give her some personal space and return to my duffel bag.
I pull out a couple clothing items then zip it back up. Mom keeps on peeking over at me as she talks. I take that as a hint to leave the room, although I guess I could take that as a hint to do something else, but I just don't know what that something else would be. So I gather up the clothes and walk out of the room, closing the door behind me.
Since I don't need directions on where to find anything, I make my way to the bathroom and am happy that I don't have to stand and wait for it to become available. Thus far, I haven't seen any other patrons of this former home of mine, but I know that they're around because I distinctly recall the woman saying that she only had one room left.
The bathroom has changed just as much as the rest of the house. They re-tiled the floor and repainted the walls. There's even a new bathtub and I don't recall a window being in here before. All in all, I like the changes. Although, I'm probably biased because I don't really want to see the exact same home I lived in all those few years ago. The changes make it easier for me to not associate with this place.
Quickly, I clean up and change my clothes. When I exit, I find a woman waiting outside. She looks like she's maybe a few years older than I am and she has a little girl attached to her hip. She tells the girl to go into the bathroom and that she'll be waiting out here for her, then turns back to me and I just know that she's going to start being friendly and talking to me.
"Hello," she offers me her hand, "my name is Erica."
Reluctantly, I take her offered hand and shake it gently. "I'm Melinda." At least this distraction will give Mom more time on the phone with Catherine, though I don't know what else they could talk about at this point. From the way it seemed when I woke up, they didn't stop talking to each other until they passed out.
We release our grips on one another and I let my hand drop back down to my side. "Are you here for the conference?" She asks me.
I shake my head. "Didn't even know that it was going on."
She shrugs. "Well it is only the third one. I think they're still trying to get the word out there about it."
"It's for parents though, right?"
"Yeah, but they welcome anyone with an open mind and a willingness to pay the price for the ticket."
"I'll keep that in mind in case they have a fourth annual conference." I don't see myself ever going to the conference, but I can still keep it in mind as I let it pass me by.
"Do you have any children?"
A nervous laugh escapes from me. "God, I hope not." When I realize what it is I've just said, I immediately try and start to back track. "Not that I'm against kids. Kids are great, in that not mine sort of way."
She laughs and I'm happy that I haven't offended her. "I take it you don't want to be a parent?"
I've never thought about being a parent. Nikki and I haven't even tried to ever broach the subject of parenthood. If I were to decide to be a parent then it's Nikki who I would be a parent with, but honestly the very idea of it makes me feel all kinds of nervous in all kinds of different ways.
Catherine and Mom have been pretty good parents to me over the last few years, but the only models I have for the early formative years are my grandparents and they're not very good models for anything except how to be possibly the worst kind of parents one could be. I mean, just standing in this hallway where I grew up, I can remember all the things that my grandparents did to me. I remember how it was piece by slow piece they helped form my personality and encouraged my bipolar disorder to grow inside of me.
Nikki didn't exactly have it any better than I did either. Her parents were messed up and she's felt the repercussions of that in her adult life. There's still so much she needs to get through and move past. I wouldn't even know how to talk to her about possibly becoming a parent.
Honestly, I don't even know if I could be a parent. I don't know how being bi-polar effects a situation like that. Not to mention, if I decided that I actually wanted to conceive a child. I couldn't stay on the medicine that I'm on now. I'm pretty sure that they would kill any fetus that tried to develop in my womb.
"I didn't mean to freak you out," Erica apologizes.
"No, no. You didn't freak me out." I scratch nervously at my forehead, and then shrug helplessly. "I just never thought of it before."
"My ex-girlfriend hadn't thought of it before, either." She confesses to me. "She wasn't ready for the responsibility. That's kind of how I ended up signing up for the conference. I wanted to find some help on how to be a single mother who happens to also be a lesbian."
I don't know whether I should offer her good luck or tell her I'm sorry. Usually, I don't fraternize with a lot of people who are parents. The only people I really know who have kids are my own parents. I'm not quite sure how things worked out that way, they just did.
She saves me from responding by asking me if I'm here alone. I tell her that I'm here with my mother, and then her little girl finally comes out of the bathroom and spares me from having to continue this conversation. I wish her happy times during the conference then return to the room I'm staying in at the moment.
When I walk in, I see that Mom is no longer on the phone and has changed into some different clothes. They're my clothes, and the cargo pants are a little too long on her but she doesn't look ridiculous in them. We've never shared clothes before, and doing it now is a little weird but all the clothes we have are the ones I brought with me from my apartment.
"I'm going to call Nik," I throw the clothes I just took off onto the bed and then pick up my cell phone. I dial Nikki's number and wait for her to pick up.
We exchange our pleasantries and then she asks me how I'm doing. I tell her about what happened only a few hours ago with Mom giving me the picture, and about the short conversation I had with Catherine. I ask her about her night out with Lindsey and her friends and then remind her that she doesn't have to spoil Lindsey as much as she does.
She's completely thrown when I finally get around to asking her, "Have you ever thought of having kids?"
"What?" I hear Nikki ask in my left ear as I hear Mom scream, "What!" into my right.
I ignore Mom and focus my attention on the conversation I'm trying to have with Nikki. At least during Mom's conversation with Catherine I had the decency to step out of the room. "I'm only asking because I just ran into some woman named Erica who got me thinking about kids." I explain for both Nikki's and Mom's benefit.
"Is this something you're seriously thinking about?" Nikki cautiously asks me.
"No," A sigh of relief is released from behind me. "I'm just sort of surprised that I never thought about it. I was wondering if you had."
Nikki gives my question the consideration it deserves. "I can't imagine having kids, Mel."
So I'm not alone in that. "Then we understand each other perfectly."
Nikki chuckles a little. "Don't we always?"
"Yeah, we're good at that."
"Maybe we should bring this up in a few years," Nikki offers. "Something tells me that you'd make a really good mother."
"What are you smokin'?" I take a look down at myself and try to see whatever it is that Nikki sees. I try to find the part of me that would make a good mother, and I just can't see it.
"In a few years, Mel." She drops her voice. "Trust me."
I've always trusted her. "In a few years then."
Nikki clears her throat. "So, when can the three of us come chase you and Sara down?"
"You'll have to ask Catherine. I think that issue has already been settled without me."
Nikki snorts. "Without me too."
"Would you believe me if I told you that this trip was actually my idea?"
She chuckles in response.
"Yeah, I didn't think so."
"Well, take care of whatever you need to today and call me later."
"Okay."
"Remember to take care of Sara too, Mel."
"You know I will."
"I love you and if you need me, I'll be there no matter what Catherine, or Sara, has to say about it."
That's good to know, although I knew that already. Catherine and Mom may have a lot of influence over us but ultimately they don't control us. We may go to them for advice and guidance. We may hang out at their house, especially when there is no food in ours and neither of us plan on getting any. We may even stay over in my old room from time to time when we're both too lazy to drive the short distance back to our apartment. We might even find our way to their house when we discover that food is being cooked and will be ready by the time we arrive. There actually might be a lot of reasons why we hang out at their house. But when it comes down to it, Catherine and Mom don't completely control us.
"I love you too, Nik."
We say our goodbyes and I hang up the phone. When I turn around to look at Mom, she's staring at me like she wants some kind of explanation from me. Apparently, it's not normal for me to ask about having children. "This is between Nik and me, Mom."
Normally, I don't say stuff like that to her. I don't say stuff like that to either of my parents. We've developed the kind of relationship that allows us to talk about a lot of stuff. We worked hard to be able to communicate with each other, but this isn't something I want to talk about with Mom just yet.
Nikki and I aren't really even talking about it. We just decided that we would talk about it later. I think we both know that there's no way we can be parents right now. We don't even have a pet.
Mom immediately accepts my answer. She's not going to push me about this, because hopefully she knows better than to try. "Let's take a walk outside," she says to me, "I want to show you something."
"Okay."
We leave the room and she asks me to wait while she goes to the bathroom. I prop myself up against the wall and wait. I'm doing my best to try and not think about what she is going to take me to see and am a little surprised that we haven't already jumped into the car and said our goodbyes to this place. If we stay here long enough, then I'm not going to be able to push all the memories away.
Eventually, I'm going to start talking about things that happened here when I was child, things I don't think I'm quite ready to talk about. I'm not too sure I was joking when I asked Nikki if she believed this trip was my idea, because it doesn't really feel like it was anymore. Mom has taken control of things and maybe that's for the best.
I know she told Catherine that she and I need to do this together, so that must mean she has some kind of plan for us. She's seen an opportunity with this and she's taking it. I just have to maintain my strength throughout.
Mom comes out of the bathroom and then we head downstairs. We ignore everyone else around us as we walk to the front door.
"What did you and Catherine talk about? What'd you decide?" I'd like to know what's in store for my immediate future.
"Let's not talk about that right now." Mom takes off to her left and I willingly follow along. We walk in silence and all I'm able to focus on is the sound of the ocean that surrounds us. I've missed these sounds.
"Are we staying here?" I'd at least like to know that. I want to be prepared for that.
"I think we need to." She answers, making my desire to know what she shared with Catherine while I was sleeping grow just a little bit more.
I stuff my hands in my front pockets. "Okay." Suddenly, I feel like a little kid again, walking along the beach, completely uncertain of the life that surrounds me, wishing for something maybe just a little bit different. The memories have finally started to reach the surface. This time, I can only hope that I'm better prepared to handle them.
Continued...