Part 8
Chapter 15
When I wake up, I don't wake up in my mother's arms. I wake up in Nikki's. I snuggle further into her body before the surprise of her being here with me reaches my brain and the shock pulls me away from her.
"When did you get here?" I wipe at my face, hoping that perhaps the action will clear up my memory or lack thereof. I'm pretty sure that I would remember her showing up.
Nikki leans over and kisses my forehead, then smiles at me. "We just got here actually."
"We?" I sit up further and take a look around me. I'm still in the school's abandoned, isolated, colorless room. The only difference now, is that Nikki is here with me and my mother isn't. It'd probably be awful for me to admit, but I'm glad for the change
"Sara, Catherine and Lindsey are outside." Nikki's hand reaches out for me then caresses my face. "Sara said you had a little bit of a breakdown."
A humorless laugh escapes me. "I guess you could call it that." I remove her hand from my cheek and hold it in my own. "I remember this last day being a bit of a breakdown." I entwine our fingers and pull her closer to me. "Or maybe it's been my whole life that I've been breaking."
"I know that feeling."
The tone of Nikki's voice forces my attention away from our hands to her face. Although my eyes are tired, they manage to see something now that I haven't been able to see in a while; I see Nikki's pain and I can see her fear.
"How did you get here?" I ask her softly.
"Sara called us and told us where you both were." She gives me a pained smile. "She didn't have to give me too many details. I couldn't forget this place."
"Would telling you I'm sorry make up for anything right now?" In my head, I know saying that I'm sorry isn't enough to make anything better at this point. It can't help if I don't even know all what I'm apologizing for. I'm not sure what I'm responsible for at this point, and what I should take responsibility for. Perhaps, I can just be sorry that I don't know everything and I didn't think about what all this would do to all of us.
Nikki removes her hand from mine. "We need to save the apologies for later."
"Why?" It'd be easier to say everything now; at least while I'm still so out of sorts that I'm not quite fully connected to this conversation yet.
Nikki's gaze penetrates me; it's so strong. There's so much I can tell that she's feeling right now, and she's trying to hold it all back, but I'm giving her the opportunity to yell at me right now. I'm giving her this chance to tell me that I did something stupid, and I'm giving her a chance to yell at me about her friend dying and about making her come back to this unpainted and unused place where she left a lot of her pain. I at least know that I should take responsibility for that.
"I don't feel like letting you be selfish right now."
Selfish? Wanting to give her the opportunity to yell at me is being selfish? Maybe we don't use that particular word in the same way. When I say it, I usually mean it in a negative way. "What do you mean?"
"We're not here right now, Mel, because I want to be."
I'm not entirely sure that I want to be here either. It's sort of where my mother and I just ended up. I didn't plan this, and I didn't plan to pass out after crying in my mother's arms only to awaken to this. I haven't made any plans. Everything has been very short-term spur of the moment stuff. I didn't know it was being judged otherwise.
I don't feel like arguing about this now. Sadly, I'm not quite sure how I would defend myself. "We should join everyone else."
Nikki gives me a slight nod, and then stands up. She offers her hand down to me to help me stand, and despite my pain telling me not to take it, I do. She pulls me up and towards her body, but as soon as I have my balance, I take a small step away from her. She notices my action, but she doesn't say anything about it.
I swallow a couple of times before I turn away from her and walk over to the door. When I open it, I feel Nikki's hand on the small of my back. "I'm sorry, Mel."
Although I want to turn around to look at her, I don't. So, she'll be able to call me immature as well as selfish. "Let's go outside." Her hand falls from my back, and I do my best to pretend that I don't feel like I've just kicked myself in the stomach.
We walk through the empty hallways, unafraid of being caught. When we make it to the doors that face the largest parking lot, Nikki grabs onto my waist. She pulls my body to hers and I don't bother to resist. I'm too weak to resist much right now. Maybe now she'll start yelling at me.
"Shit, Mel." Her arms go around my body and she leans her head on my shoulder. It's pure instinct that pushes me to wrap my arms around her as I feel her tears against my shoulder.
"I'm okay Nik," I say, my words also driven by instinct. "I haven't disappeared."
Nikki's grip on me tightens. "Only you can scare me this much, Mel."
For crying so much right now, her voice is surprisingly steady. Even now, she's showing an amount of self-control that I'm almost positive I don't possess. Nikki is a better person than I am. I've always thought that, I think. Some part of me has always known that although Nikki has had her share of problems in life, it's me that doesn't deserve her. Everyone who has thought otherwise is just wrong.
She's opened up her soul to me, and all I seem to do is give her misery back but she continues to hang on to me. It doesn't seem like she wants to let me go. I don't know how long she can continue it, though. I don't know how long she can continue to push her problems and her past away so that she can remain with me.
The last time she broke down in my arms was before I moved to Las Vegas. It was before the car accident that took away my grandparents. It was before all of these things descended down onto my life like a crashing plane with no control over where it finally falls into its destruction. Unfortunately for Nikki, she's in the plane with me and it doesn't seem like she has a parachute.
I feel like telling her that I'm sorry, again, but I know it won't make a difference if the words pass my lips. I'd even like to tell her to run away from me. I'd like to tell her to save herself before…before I make things worse, I guess. Then maybe, after I do that, I can throw myself a nice pity party and beat myself up for telling Nikki to walk away from me.
Pushing her away will make me weaker. I'm smart enough to at least know that much. I'm smart enough to know that I'm being selfish, and smart enough to admit that right now I'm not strong enough not to be.
"I love you, Nikki." I love her selfishly.
She starts to push away from me, but I don't let her. She gives into my resistance and remains in my arms. "I know you do."
She pushes herself away from me again; this time I allow it. I force myself to look into her eyes. I force myself to face her tears and her pain.
"Catherine warned me about losing control in front of you," Nikki wipes at her eyes. "She said I should try and keep it together since you wouldn't be…together." She looks away from me briefly but forces her eyes back to mine. "I guess that advice went to shit."
"Sometimes," I step forward and stop Nikki's hands from continuing to rub at her face, "Catherine's advice isn't good advice." She looks at me confused, knowing how much I respect Catherine. "We're not going to be a carbon copy of their relationship. We can't be. We have to figure us out."
"In this place," Nikki's voice is soft and it pulls me back to the past, "you've always been the stronger one."
I find it in myself to be strong right now. I don't know if that has anything to do with the roles we fulfilled while we were in this place. I don't know if we've just thrown ourselves into the past. I probably can't even begin to understand what coming back here means to Nikki.
"We're different now," I remind her and remind me as well. "We have to remain that way."
"Okay," Nikki nods, and then turns away from me for a brief moment. When she faces me again, she surprises me by grabbing onto my waist. She pushes me against the nearest wall and leans her body against mine. "I'm glad you're okay," she whispers into my ear then starts to kiss my neck.
Her actions throw me off, completely. This isn't exactly normal behavior for her. She's usually a lot more restrained, but I guess that restraint went away the moment she crumbled and cried on my shoulder. If she feels anything like I felt after my journey from Las Vegas, then I'm surprised she didn't fall apart in the room when I woke up.
There were so many emotions tearing at me that I decided to shut down and pretend like I was indifferent. It didn't work, I was stupid to think that it would, but I did manage to get a few hours of sleep. If Nikki had been with me though, I might have found another way to release the emotion that was threatening to burst forth.
Nikki is offering another way right now. I'm not strong enough to resist it or to think about the consequences. I actually don't think that I need to. My love for Nikki is selfish. That doesn't seem so negative to me right now. I don't know if anyone can talk me into believing that it's negative again.
Her lips finally meet mine and I don't hesitate to respond to her. I pull her more tightly to my body. I want her to cover me and release me from the pain that's been knocking me down ever since I stepped foot in this town with my mother, and by the way Nikki's responding to me, I'm pretty sure she wants me to do the same for her.
My hands are making their way up her shirt when I hear someone very loudly clear their throat next to us. Nikki slowly removes herself from me, but manages to keep her hand settled on my waist.
"I never thought I'd catch you here again, Miss Sidle."
A slight blush covers my cheeks, but I have to raise my head and face the body of the voice. My obstinacy demands that I do. "Wasn't trying to be caught."
Nikki squeezes my waist, letting me know she doesn't completely approve of my response. "What Mel meant to say, was that we're sorry for being here."
The man standing across from us laughs softly. "No," he shakes his head, "I'm sure Melinda said what she meant."
I give a slight shrug of my shoulders. "Sorry, Mr. Riley."
He smirks at me. "I'm not sure I believe that apology either." He turns his attention to Nikki and looks her over. "I'm not sure I know you."
Nikki shakes her head. "I didn't go to this school."
He lifts a brow. "Shame," he says although his disappointment doesn't sound entirely genuine. "Do you have a name?"
"Nikki," she offers him her free hand, which he takes even though his attention seems to be on Nikki's hold on my waist.
"Glen Riley," he responds. "I was Melinda's eighth grade science teacher." He releases Nikki's hand. "She was brilliant, but lazy. I trust she's improved seeing as she's still alive."
Well, that was harsh. My lack of enthusiasm for school didn't make me reckless. Although, perhaps if it had kept my attention better then I wouldn't have been as reckless as I was. It's hard to say what would have changed things for me back then.
"You never did like to sugarcoat things," I say as I reach out to Nikki. "I can't remember how many speeches you gave me about actions and consequences." Nikki doesn't hesitate to lean her body partially against mine.
He nods. "Did any of them ever work?" He asks seriously.
"I think I was too far gone to listen at the time." My honesty seems to hurt him as much as his hurt me. I don't derive any satisfaction from that.
"I was always afraid of that."
"Hey Mr. Riley, it wasn't your fault." I almost reach out for him, but decide better than to try. I know I wasn't his favorite student, and I don't think I ever had any favorite teachers.
"We could have done better for you, Melinda." He sounds truly remorseful. "We let you down."
"You did," Nikki tells him after I maintain my silence.
"Nik," I softly admonish her, but she doesn't pay attention to me.
"A lot of you teacher types seem to manage to let a lot of kids down," she continues harshly, no doubt thinking about how the system failed her too. I didn't know she was still angry about it. Then again, I didn't know that I was still angry about it either. I've almost forgotten that I ever held any expectation for my educators at all.
"I won't give you any excuses." He looks at the bit of wall next to me then turns back to me. "All I can do is let you walk out of this school now without having you arrested, and give you the same break that I've given you both before."
Nikki gives me a confused look, not completely understanding his meaning. "He knew that I stayed here sometimes," I explain. "He kept it a secret."
The look she gives him softens considerably, "Thank you."
He clears his throat as he gives us a weak nod. "You look like you grew up okay, Melinda."
I chuckle. "There's not enough time to tell you the story of how that happened."
"You should come back during visiting hours; there are a lot of us that would like to hear it."
I don't know all of who he's talking about. I don't remember that many people seeming too concerned about me during my school days. "Maybe one day I'll do that."
"There are kids like you that walk through these halls everyday," he tells me. "It's good to know that some of them make it."
The way he's talking makes me think that he maybe had a clue about what was going on with me at home, but I don't remember talking to anyone about it. I don't remember the child protective services being called to investigate the situation. I don't clearly remember being offered any hope. Then again, I don't exactly remember being told his side of the story either.
"Yeah," I whisper, "you can just say I got out."
Nikki must see that I'm getting a little emotional again, because she gives me a slight squeeze as she leans downs and whispers, "We should get out of here."
I nod then give my attention back to Mr. Riley. "Thanks for not calling the police," I grin slightly at him. "My step-mother would have freaked out if we got arrested."
His blue-eyes let me know that he wants to ask more questions about my life, but he's not going to. He's going to let me go and wish me the best. I've seen him wear this look before. This whole scene is almost turning into a bit of déjà vu.
Nikki and I start walking away, but he calls after us saying, "At least I know I can get that broken window fixed now you don't need to sneak in through my classroom anymore."
His words just about push me over. "You might want to save it for the other ones like me," I tell him before I push on the door to exit the building.
"We never need to go in there again," Nikki tells me. "We're done with it."
I completely agree with her, but I thought I had been completely done with it before. I guess that doesn't mean that it was completely done with me. "Mr. Riley was pretty cool though. He didn't involve the police."
"What about the police?" I hear Catherine's voice call out to us, and can't help the smile that crosses my face. I turn to her and stop myself from giving her a hug since it seems that she's already got one of us Sidles wrapped around her.
"There are none coming," Nikki answers for me, as she pulls me to her, making up for the hug that I'm not going to get from Catherine.
Catherine gives us a slight nod. "We should get out of here."
"I say we hurry," Nikki replies.
"Where's Lindsey?" I ask, surprised she hasn't already jumped out to either hug me or yell at me.
"She's in the car," Catherine answers me. "She's upset with me right now."
I know better than to ask what about, but if I had to take a guess, I'd say it probably has something to do with Catherine telling Lindsey that Nikki and I needed some time alone. It can't be purely coincidence that she and I got all that time to be together without Lindsey wanting to check in on how things were going. She worries about us, even if she doesn't want to admit it yet, or even if she doesn't quite understand how to admit it.
"Okay," I sigh, "then we should get out of here, but I'm not going back to the B&B." I don't know if I could survive going back there. I don't even want to try. It's not important that I act strong right now. Mom is in Catherine's arms now, not in mine. We're not alone anymore.
"We've already found someplace else," Catherine assures me then turns her attention to Nikki. "Will you take Lindsey with you in Mel's car?" I guess that means that I'm not going to be doing any driving. Catherine's already got that worked out.
"Of course," Nikki answers, and I can tell that she's slightly disappointed that she and I aren't going to be alone for the drive to wherever it is we're going, but we've already gotten our time alone. I guess Mom and Catherine deserve the same. "Tell her to meet us."
Nikki turns away from my parents and leads us to my car. She opens the passenger side door for me and then takes her place behind the wheel. I look out the window to take another look at the school. I need to see it at least one more time. At the end of today, I don't want to pull away from this place just being another day older. I want us to leave with more than that.
I take my gaze away from the school and focus on Nikki. I study her face and suddenly I just know that we are more.
Chapter 16
Catherine was smart enough to call a few hotels before she left Vegas to make sure we had a couple of rooms to stay in that wasn't my grandparents' old bed and breakfast. I guess she didn't want to try and stay the night there any more than I wanted to or probably any more than Mom wanted to either. So, she did something Mom and I failed to do when we left-she thought ahead. She reserved us two rooms in some high-scale hotel, the only one she could find with two rooms free and it must be costing her a small fortune. I was almost tempted to ask Nikki about it, but didn't think it was the best idea I could have come up with.
We ate a very awkward and mostly silent dinner together in Cath and Mom's room; the only one of us brave enough to try for conversation was Lindsey. She told me how she and a friend were fighting because her friend had told a lie about her. She gave extensive details that she probably wouldn't have given under normal circumstances.
I asked her questions about it, and feigned as much interest as I could possibly manage. She was trying, in her own way I think, to make things a little better and I didn't want to make it harder for her. It was hard to tell exactly what was going through her mind, and I was too afraid to ask her about it. I'm not ready to start talking to her about what driving to California means to her, or how she feels about her parents' current emotional state or how she feels about mine.
Someone needs to look after her. She's alone here with all this going on. I at least hope that Catherine recognizes that, and hope that she does something about it. I'd like to be that person for Lindsey. I'd like to try, but I don't think I can do it now. I wouldn't even know how to start doing it.
Nikki and I are, however, letting her stay in our room with us even though we aren't in the room right now. I don't know if we decided to do that more for Lindsey's benefit or more for Mom's and Cath's. Either way, we didn't stay around to hang out with Linds. We got back in my car as soon as we had trudged our way through dinner and we drove away from Tomales Bay. Nikki's taken us to a small bar between Tomales Bay and San Francisco that we used to hang out at before. We didn't really have any negative memories of this place, because it was like our little island between the hurricane behind us and the tornadoes in front of us. This was the calm place between our storms.
"I don't even remember how we found this place." We're sitting in a booth at the darkest corner of our dingy little island of calm. "Never really thought we'd be back here, at least not together."
Nikki's been doing her best to draw me into conversation all night. I know that I should be talking to her, sharing things, and making things just a little bit better, but it's like the part of my brain that forms words and controls my voice isn't listening to the part that's telling me to do something, just anything to make this time Nikki and I have stolen to be together not waste away into pointlessness.
I rub my finger around the top of my already half-empty glass. "Did you come here after I left?' I mutter down to the glass, still not able to force myself to act differently, and not able to rectify whatever it is that's wrong with me.
"I tried not to," Nikki replies, moving her body further away from mine. "I wanted to be able to let you go; wanted to forget everything."
It's her pain, I realize, that has made me become borderline mute. I've forgotten how to deal with her pain since I've been so involved in my own. It used to be that I focused so much on hers so that I'd forget my own. Overcompensation isn't just a word in the dictionary anymore; it's been able to become a new improved curse word with which I can find a way to torture myself. I can add it to the list that has slowly been building already.
Another apology is ready and willing to force itself out of me, but I know that the time for me to apologize has long since run out. I can't apologize for my actions anymore; it's time I am actually forced to face the consequences that saying 'I'm sorry' never quite manages to wash away.
"I'm glad you didn't forget." Finally something semi-meaningful has escaped. Maybe the double-shot of Vodka I asked for in my drink is starting to take effect.
Nikki leans her arms onto the table, her gaze shifts away from me and I realize that my silence was also for my own protection. It was less likely Nikki would say something damaging to me if she had nothing to respond to. "I started using again after you left."
Nikki's words somehow manage to effect the path my finger has been taking around the glass's rim and forces my finger to swing into the liquid below it. Nikki notices my action and smiles. "I guess I can't try and make it look like I actually meant to do that?" I ask as I take my hand out of the cool liquid it's fallen into.
The smile stays on her face. "You could always try." She reaches over and takes my hand in hers. Her eyes question me, wanting to know that it's okay for her to touch me, making sure that my anger won't appear at her confession.
"I love you." That's always better than an apology, right? That always means more.
Her grip on my hand tightens slightly as she brings my hand to her mouth and kisses it. "Thank you."
Suddenly, nothing's wrong with me anymore. The parts of my brain that should be talking to each other are talking to each other again. The odd interlude my brain decided to enter into is over. "When did you stop?"
She knows what I'm asking. "It took a while," she chuckles humorlessly at a joke I haven't been let in on yet. "I felt like I had just covered up a murder; it fucked me up."
Before I manage to make the trip out to Laura's grave, I'm going to figure out a way to blame her for Nikki's pain too. "So you went back to Avery and Bri?"
"To Bri," her voice cracks on her friend's name. "I brought her here." That must mean that she started sleeping with her again, too. That's great in only the fact that it's not great at all. "That's the night I stopped using, Mel."
The night she brought Bri to our haven is when she stopped using again? I'm not sure I want to hear this story.
"When I looked across the table and saw her, really looked at her I mean, it scared the hell out of me." Nikki's hot breath blows against the skin of my hand, the feeling somehow making her words more palatable to me. "I was so fucked up that night, but I could have sworn that when I looked up, to look at Bri, you were standing right next to her looking at us, and you were so angry. You looked at me the same exact way you would look at your mother." I know she's not talking about Sara. Her eyes let me know that she's reliving that moment as she tells me about it, letting me know that Laura has managed to haunt us both.
"That must have been some hate filled look then." It's a crappy joke. I'm ashamed to even admit that it's my small attempt at humor.
"It scared me, Mel," she whispers. "I didn't know you could ever hate me that much."
Could I hate her that much? Could I ever look at her like I looked at Laura Sidle? Could Nikki do something that would make my anger turn on her like that? What couldn't I forgive when it comes to Nikki? "It wasn't me looking at you like that. I wasn't there."
"No," Nikki shakes her head, "it was you." She says it with such certainty that I quickly sift through my memories seeking out a time I haven't been given on a date I'm not even aware of, trying to remember if I had ever walked into this bar while I was supposed to be in Las Vegas. "Somehow, some part of you knew what I was doing, what I had done and you came back to save me like you always did."
I know I was in Las Vegas, probably having another argument with Mom or maybe at that point I was having my flashback episodes that had me losing track of time. I was too messed up after I left to try and pay attention to what Nikki could be up to.
"You don't have to believe it," Nikki must recognize the doubt playing out across my face. "Just accept that it's what I believe."
Accept that she believes I'm her savior? This should probably be easier for me. "If you say I was there, then I must have been there." Some part of me must have been, if she believes it.
Her eyes narrow and scrutinize me. She wants to make sure that I'm not just humoring her. It's important to her that I don't pretend to agree with her. What happened was too important to her for me to make light of it and to not take it seriously.
Whatever she sees must satisfy her, because she leans back and her gaze breaks away from me. She shuffles her body around, somehow pulling me closer to her just by the loose grip she has my hand in. She bends down and places a kiss on my neck. "I want to go see my parents," she whispers in my ear.
I pull away from her, my brain not understanding the words that my ears have heard. "What?"
"I want you to come with me."
Now my ears must not be hearing things properly. "What?"
"It's time we both worked out the past and pushed it away so it stops messing up what we have."
"Are you sure?" My heart is beating so fast right now that I'm not entirely sure it will ever slow down again. A wave of adrenaline shoots through my veins and I feel the sudden urge to start moving around.
"No," Nikki gives me a rueful smile. "I think it might be the worst idea I've ever come up with."
"I know that feeling," some of the best things I've done have been accompanied with that feeling.
"So you'll come with me?"
"I'll try to."
A look of relief washes over her; it's almost like she expected me to refuse her. "Catherine urged me not to do it."
It seems like Catherine's managed to offer a lot of advice about things recently. "So why did you?"
Nikki releases a quick breath. "Mel, you told me we couldn't be like them and you were right. We have to be us. It's not like being them right now is…" her voice trails off, but I know how to fill in the blank that she's left between us.
It's no great secret that Mom's and Catherine's relationship isn't working right now. It's crumbling; perhaps it has been for a while now and I'm just now realizing it, and perhaps the same has been happening between Nikki and me. We've told each other that we're moving forward when we were really just moving sort of…sideways I guess, only intent on seeing progress.
We ignored our inability to completely commit. We ignored this past we're now trying not to drown in, but we've put on a good show for the world to see. Everyone thinks that Nik and I are perfectly happy and envy our relationship. They can't see the flaws in it, and we didn't want to see them either. We desperately wanted to be happy because we had just finished being so desperately miserable. At least, I know that's the way it was for me.
Catherine and Mom did try to warn us. They saw something. Maybe they were living through that something at the time, I don't know. I didn't bother to know. I'm not even sure it was my place to try and find out.
"So, what else did you and Catherine talk about?"
Nikki smirks. "What did you and Sara talk about?"
I give a soft laugh as all the words I exchanged with my mother force their way into my mind at once. "Too much to try and remember right now." Too much for me to try and decipher and recount in an understandable manner. "The most important thing, the thing I'm trying to work out, is that she chose to be my mother and somehow it's me that has been rejecting her." I rub my head with my free hand. "It doesn't make sense to me yet."
Nikki tilts her head and blinks a few times. She looks like she's trying to fill in the blanks of the conversation between Mom and me that she wasn't even there to hear. "She's jealous of Catherine?"
Is she? "I don't know."
"Catherine told me," Nikki pauses, maybe unsure of what she's about to confess, "she said that she's afraid that if she lost Sara that she'd lose you, too. She said she'd find a way to survive losing Sara because she's lost lovers before, but that she wouldn't know how to survive losing a child."
"My head doesn't know how to receive those words right now." I don't know how to receive anything that involves my parents. It's like suddenly I need to quantify my relationship with each of them and I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to add up all the things that make my relationship with Catherine different from the relationship I have with my mother. I don't know how to say that those differences are what theoretically make it better. I'm not even sure it is better; I'm not sure what being better means. I'm not even sure if it's supposed to mean anything at all.
"Be careful about chasing down answers with this, Mel," Nikki warns me. "This is something you might actually need to run from."
"I still need to figure it out for myself, though."
"Then figure it out, but do it without them." Her tone lets me know that she's completely serious about this. There's something more that she knows or something that she sees that's driving her to caution me. There has to be, because she's never told me to walk away from them before, or to run away rather.
"So, when do you want to see your parents?" I won't ask her any questions about the advice she's just given me. If she wanted to give me details for her reasoning, then I'm sure she would have.
"Tonight," Nikki gently urges me off the booth. "If I wait, then I'll never go." Her eyes quickly beg me for forgiveness. She knows I wasn't expecting this, and I'm not entirely sure she expected it either. It's a surprise for us both, and not an entirely welcomed one.
"I'll drive," it's the only thing I can offer her at this moment. It wouldn't be fair for me to promise her that everything will be fine, when I'm more than a little sure that it won't be.
Nikki hasn't seen her parents in at least five or six years. She walked away from her family and decided that she didn't need one. She hasn't told me all of the stories from her youth, but she doesn't need to. I understood it without knowing it, just like she understands mine without me telling her every detail.
We make our way to the car then slide into it, maintaining a determined silence that transforms itself into an anxious one as I start the engine. I can feel Nikki's eyes tearing into me as I slowly maneuver us back onto the vacant street.
"You can tell me to go back to the hotel."
She reaches over and places her hand on my thigh. "I know."
A part of me wishes that she would tell me to turn around and head back to where our family might be waiting for us, but a bigger part of me knows that even if she did tell me to turn back that I shouldn't listen. She needs me to do this for her. It's time for me to be the strong one here. I'm always the strong one in this place. I need to find that place inside of me that managed to handle all of this before and pull it back out.
I brought us back here. I managed to drag everyone to this place. That was my action, and this is part of my consequence. "Why don't you try and get some sleep." My right hand covers the one Nikki has on my thigh. "You've been up all day running around. Get some rest while you can."
"I'm not tired," Nikki responds, obviously trying to hold back a yawn.
"I know where I'm going, Nik. You don't need to keep watch."
"I couldn't sleep now if I tried," she sinks further down into her seat.
"Try, please." She needs to sleep before the waking nightmare she'll encounter with her parents seeps through her psyche into her dreams.
Her hand moves under mine, her fingers wiggle against my thigh. She smiles at me, then leans her head back and closes her eyes. I focus my attention on the road ahead of me and let my mind wander. I think about what the chances are of me being pulled over this late at night, and then grow slightly concerned as to whether or not I'd be able to pass a breathalyzer. I check my speed, making sure that I'm well within the speed limits not willing to risk being arrested.
When I look back over at Nikki, I manage to hold back the envy that wants to wash over me. I'd like to get my chance at sleep, but I think I've given the entire concept up now that I've firmly situated myself into the unknown. It wouldn't have even crossed my mind just a few hours ago that I would be driving Nikki to go see her parents. I'm not sure it would have crossed anyone else's either.
Time starts to fade away from me as I concentrate on how the headlights hit the road ahead of me. I make all the necessary turns to get to my destination but if asked to recall any of the specifics from the drive, I wouldn't be able to recall any except that Nikki looked a lot more comfortable asleep than she had in a while.
I park the car across from Nikki's parents' house, but I don't bother to wake Nikki up. I don't have the heart to do it now. So instead, I lean back in my seat and close my eyes. I promise myself that I'll only rest for a moment and will wake up before Nikki has a chance to.
For now, I just want to rest and not force us into a motion, an action that will propel us towards a relationship we've never bothered to even form. When we knock on that ominous front door that leads straight into Nikki's past, we'll be starting up something new and something we didn't have to look in the face of before. I rather keep us still now, in this bubble we built up with our time in the bar. I rather it be just us together, sharing this sacred time while we are able to take it.
I've brought us to this house. I've looked at the bright green windowless door, and I've measured my will against it. I've looked for movement inside where I knew there would most likely be none. These have all been my actions and I would rather let us sleep than face the consequences of them now.
Continued...