Disclaimer/Summery: See Part 1
VENGEANCE IS MINE
Now, as he careened spinning through the air end over end like a football being kicked through a goalpost, he decided that he really didn't care for it. It hurt. It hurt very, very much.
It hurt like being hit with a quarter-ton sledgehammer and a bolt of lightning at the same time, which was exactly what Thor's hammer was. All those goblins and trolls and frost giants who had gone up against Thor and been beaten to within an inch of their miserable lives and who had then poured out their misery to Loki over ales in some disreputable tavern in the cold, dreary wastes of Niflheim were exactly right, Loki thought, as he smashed into the upper level of the fort, penetrated straight through seven feet of granite, flew across some vague, shadowy space, and then smashed out the other side of the fort, through another seven feet of granite...
Loki realized, as he belly-flopped into the cold, briny waters of San Pedro Bay with a resounding splash that sent a wave up fifty feet in the air, that all those times he had battled his brother, his brother had been holding back. As Loki plummeted straight down to the bottom of those murky depths like an anchor being dropped, he thought about the fact that Thor had never once hit him with his hammer. He could have, but he didn't...
And Loki knew, as his descent halted abruptly with his body bouncing off the mucky sea bed and floating limp in the dark seventy feet down, that Willow could kill him with that hammer...
He would need a plan. A six-foot long barracuda, streaking through the darkness toward him like a silvery torpedo, agreed.
"What are you doing here, Loki, in this clumsy, unseemly form?" the barracuda said, in its secret language that no one but Loki and other barracudas knew. "You should take my shape. I am graceful, and beautiful, and a mighty hunter. I glide through the depths as a seagull soars through the air."
"I've been hit with Thor's hammer and I'm in rather a lot of pain right now and I don't have time to debate aesthetics with you, barracuda," Loki replied, in the barracuda's language, a series of soft gurgling sounds, as he got his bearings and stood knee-deep in the muck now at the bottom of the bay, and rubbed his throbbing head. "I'm attempting to come up with a plan to save the world from an exasperating female who apparently means to destroy it and if I fail you won't be gliding anywhere for much longer."
"Females want to be wooed," the barracuda said. "Take on a more pleasing shape. Humans are ugly, graceless sacks of hair and bone."
"This female does not want wooing from me now, though upon a time she did," Loki said. "She thought me quite beautiful once, at least as beautiful as any barracuda, but now she spurns me. She's infuriatingly fickle. And she's stronger than me, and she's hunting me."
"Then take her unawares, and strike without mercy," the barracuda said. "Kill her. I enjoy my life, swimming and hunting, and I do not want it to end now because of some female you have angered."
"Alas, I can't kill her," Loki said, as he swam to the surface. "I love the ridiculous wench. She bewitched me, the moment we first met, and ever has she held my heart captive."
"Love?" the barracuda called after him. "What is love?"
"You're better off without it!" Loki shouted back, just before he broke through to the surface, and became a raven. And as he took wing and soared into the cold night air, he came up with his plan. He was a god and he was more intelligent, by his reckoning, than any thousand mortals put together, so it never took him long to come up with plans. Willow, somehow, had gained immense power, and she was stronger than him, unbelievable as it seemed. But Loki had no time for wounded pride; he admitted it to himself, as he swooped back down over the fort toward the battlefield, and saw Willow waiting for him, standing in the dark under the blood-red moon, holding Thor's hammer ready, a corona of lightning crackling about her. The First Evil was there, and apparently the creature found the situation amusing. He stood leaning on the breastwork wall near Willow, watching her like an attentive student, and smiling like a wolf among sheep.
And Death was there, too...sitting placidly atop his black steed, at the top of the hill, looking down upon them all as if he were watching a play being performed.
"Hey, cool, you're alive," Willow said. "That means I get to kick the shit out of you some more. You know I love a big hammer, baby. Fly on down here and gimme a kiss."
Willow pointed the hammer and sent bolts of lightning lancing up at him. But Loki swerved gracefully out of their path, streaking straight down toward Thor and Freyja instead--and the cages of black energy that held them fast like insects trapped in amber. The cages were strong; Loki could smell their power. But Loki knew every lock had a key, and every chain was only as strong as its weakest link, and as he circled the two cages, still dodging and swooping as Willow sent bolt after bolt of lightning sizzling through the air to incinerate him, he found their weakest links and bent all his power to the task of unraveling them...
But he made a mistake. As he concentrated upon the cages, he was too leisurely in his flight, and a bolt of lightning caught him. The world turned white, and Loki felt his feathery flesh burning; then the world turned black, and the ground suddenly rose up to meet him...
When he looked up from the mud, he had been forced back into his human form, and Willow was standing above him. Now that she held Thor's hammer, electrical charges flitted and flashed about her skin like butterflies zig-zagging around a flower patch; the effect was beautiful, Loki thought. Willow was standing in light. But her eyes were absolute black, and she was ugly, as she stood there in the center of that shimmering light, smiling cruelly down at him.
Lightning ran riot in the sky overhead, and thunder bellowed, and the rain came down in icy sheets now, lashed on before the howling wind. As Loki looked up at Willow, she seemed to be in the eye of the storm. The elements were focusing around her...as if she was the pillar that supported the world...Willow's heart was a raging tempest now, and so the storm was, too.
"Y'know, I keep trying to resist the urge to say 'It's hammer time,'" Willow said. "But it's just so tempting."
Willow raised Thor's hammer high above her head and smashed it straight down into Loki's face like she was squashing a bug. Lightning leaped forth from the hammer, and there was a resounding boom, louder than the thunder overhead, that shook the battlefield. The Earth quaked. New fissures erupted in the ground, vomiting out billowing plumes of black smoke and streams of lava which shot up into the stormy sky like hissing geysers of blood, then rained back down, steaming in the cold air, as the battlefield filled with noxious smoke and ash.
"It's you, Loki," Willow said. "All the evil in the world comes right back to you."
Loki tasted blood in his mouth. That had never happened before. Willow raised the hammer again...
It came down with a blinding flash and a deafening burst of thunder against Loki's hastily erected shield, which spat out black sparks to meet the hammer's onslaught. The shield held, but already Loki could see cracks showing, and he knew the shield wouldn't withstand another blow. He got himself up, stumbling a little.
"YOU!" Willow shouted. "It's all because of YOU!"
With a shriek, Willow swung the hammer like a baseball bat. It collided with Loki's shield in a thunderous cacophony of light and sound, collapsing the shield in an explosion of black sparks and sending Loki flying across the battlefield again. "That's gotta hurt," Loki thought he heard the First Evil saying, as he hurtled past him, nearly senseless.
Willow leapt into the air, holding the hammer aloft, and flew after him, swift and unerring as a hawk, soaring on the storm winds. When Loki finally crashed to the ground again, flopping face-first in the mud like a half-dead fish, Willow was already waiting for him there.
When Loki looked up, he saw that he was lying in a muddy road that ended in a cul-de-sac in front of a dilapidated old bait and tackle shop called The Catch. The faded, hand-painted clapboard sign was suspended from the awning with ropes, but one of the ropes had snapped and the sign had become partially dislodged, twisting there in the wind like a hanged man, and it made a creaking sound, like a noose dangling from a tree. Loki could just barely make out the fort behind him in the distance. The blow Willow had struck had sent him miles away.
This was a strange place to die, Loki thought. But he knew now that he would die here.
The cauldron hadn't shown him this...it hadn't shown him his death. He wondered, if the cauldron had showed him his death today, if he would have had the courage to go through with this...if his love for Willow would have been enough. He thought it would have been enough.
Loki knew now that he was going to die...that somehow, the ancient story with which he had been raised, his fated role in Ragnarok, had been changed. Somehow, Willow had changed the story...changed all their stories. He would die here, in this strange, cold, mournful place.
But before he died, he would try to save Willow's soul.
"Human belief made the gods," Willow said. "You're all what we made you. Thor's what we wish we could be. But you're what we know we really are, Loki. Treacherous. Evil. We try to be like Thor but we always end up being like you. This world isn't a bright place, full of hope. It's a place where everything twists upon itself, where everything becomes corrupted and poisoned, where everything withers and dies."
Loki got himself up again. It was harder this time. He nearly collapsed.
He had almost unraveled the cages. He couldn't see them now, but he held them in his mind, and he concentrated upon them, with what power he had left...there wasn't much. It seemed strange to him, that Willow had already nearly managed to kill him, with but a few blows of the hammer. Loki knew Thor's hammer was powerful--more powerful than any weapon in existence, anywhere--but nevertheless, when Willow held the hammer, the strength with which she wielded it beggared the imagination. Loki hadn't ever been hit with the hammer before today, but he had seen Thor wield it...
Somehow, Thor's hammer was even more powerful in Willow's hands.
"You don't...believe that, Willow," Loki said, and spat out blood, and a couple of teeth. "I know...you don't believe that."
"Her mother tried to abort her," Willow said.
"What?" Loki whispered.
"Her mother was raped," Willow said, as Loki felt her black eyes boring holes into him. The lightning and the thunder were still raging through the sky, and Loki saw lava exploding out of the muddy road as it heaved and buckled all around him, as if Midgard itself were in its death-throes. He saw another steam of lava burst through the roof of the bait and tackle shop, collapsing the entire building like some giant had stepped on it, and engulfing it in flames at the same time. The building burned, sinking into the ground now as a hole opened up in the earth beneath it, and the lava flooded the muddy road like a river that had burst its dam. But for some reason, through all the chaos, Willow's voice was always perfectly clear. Willow's voice seemed to cut through the havoc all around. To Loki's keen senses, it seemed that the world reordered itself around her, somehow.
Loki concentrated on the cages of black light that held Thor and Freyja stuck fast. He had nearly managed to unravel them...
"Her mother didn't love her," Willow said. "She didn't want her. She beat her. She beat her, Loki. She...was just a little girl. She was just a beautiful little girl. She didn't hurt anybody."
Tears ran down Willow's cheeks. The icy rain washed them away.
"She beat her and...made her feel worthless and...and never told her she loved her. Faith was afraid all the time. Faith saw other kids with parents who loved them, but no one loved her. So she thought it must be her fault. And she was afraid, Loki. The beatings got worse as the years went by and she grew up always feeling afraid. Wondering when the next beating was coming. Wondering if this time, she might die. But she overcame her fear. Nobody loved her and then she had to live alone on the street, feeling cold all the time and...and people used her. They used her for her body and made her feel worthless. But still she overcame it, because she was always strong. And then you...you..."
Willow raised the hammer. Lightning crackled around it. The air smelled like sulphur.
"Why did you do it?" Willow shouted. "Why did you DO IT?! Why did you make me get there late?! Why did you let him TORTURE HER?!"
His flesh was charred black. He smelled it, burning...melting. The pain was agonizing. But he didn't have the energy to heal himself, not while concentrating on the cages that held Thor and Freyja...Loki still held the cages in his mind. He looked beyond the red veil of pain that filled his every second with torment now, and he saw the cages' patterns, like woven nets of infinite complexity, but he could unravel them...he had almost done it...
Loki knew he couldn't call Willow back to herself, not alone; she had never trusted him. Only Thor could save them all now...if it was even possible to save them...
Willow crouched beside Loki in the mud, and grabbed him by the hair.
And when Loki looked up into Willow's eyes then, into those two wells of black empty of everything save hate, he shuddered.
"Faith was innocent!" Willow screamed, crying now. "She never hurt you! She never did anything to you! And you let him torture her! All because you wanted to hurt me?! All because you wanted to make me your slave?! You said you loved me! And then you did this to me?! How COULD YOU?! You know how important Faith is to me! How could you hurt her?! What ARE you?! What are you that you could DO THAT TO ME?!"
"What?!" Willow shouted in his face.
"You died!" Loki screamed back at her, with tears filling his eyes now. "I did it because you died! You wanted the truth? Now you have it! Without me here to protect you, YOU DIED!"
She smiled, as it all came back to her...as she opened up like a flower inside, and finally knew herself again.
She looked around the weathered old stone room...and saw everything, within it and without it. Then her eyes came back to Rachel.
Willow heard the battle going on outside, raging like a thunderstorm...and she knew who was fighting. She wondered, when she went out to meet her future self, who would she see? What kind of life had she led?
How had the world hurt her this time?
She could know, if she wanted to. She could know everything that had ever happened to that other Willow, just by thinking about it. She could know every single thing that had ever happened to every single person who had ever existed, just by thinking about it.
But for that moment, Willow looked at Rachel, her daughter, and smiled. She threw her arms around her, and held her close.
"Hello again, mother," Rachel said.
"Mmmmmm, I missed you, Rachel," Willow whispered. "I missed you so much, sweetie. That's always the hardest part. Being without my daughter. I love you."
"I love you too," Rachel said. "It's the hardest part for both of us. How do you feel?"
Willow ran her fingers through Rachel's hair, and looked at her...took her in. She stopped seeing everything, for a moment. She let her perspective dwindle...the battle going on outside, the world outside, all the lives, all the souls...she forgot them for a moment, and just focused on her daughter. She knew she couldn't have this moment for very long. But she wanted it, for as long as it could last...this one moment, when the whole world, the whole universe, was just her, and her daughter, and nothing else.
"Well, I just remembered I'm the creator of the universe," Willow said. "Actually it feels a lot like the day the guy from Oxford met with me at school and offered me a scholarship. But the world's ended and everything sorta sucks right now, so that's a downer. But the day I got offered the Oxford scholarship I celebrated with Xander after school and got totally drunk on Cosmopolitans and then I hacked into France's computers and almost started a nuclear war between France and China, so...yeah. I guess this day pretty much feels exactly like that day. But you look tired, sweetie. Are you okay?"
"It's been a little trying," Rachel said. "But I'll be all right. How about you? It's always a little strange for you, when you remember. Does it feel strange now?"
Willow kissed Rachel's cheek.
"Everything feels strange except you," Willow said. "You feel just right. All the craziness that's happened, all the bad stuff...losing people, being tortured in that closet for five days...this moment, right here? Being with my Rachel again? This makes up for all of it."
They walked around the gloomy little stone room together, holding hands.
"So here we are again," Willow said. "It's December third, 1998. Does it always happen on December third, 1998?"
"Yes," Rachel said.
"It's always here? In this dingy little room? Can't it be, I don't know, at a runway show in Paris? Or maybe a beach in Bermuda? Or maybe the pet store at the mall. It would be nice, y'know, with all the puppies."
Rachel smiled. "Unfortunately those places wouldn't be able to hold out very long, if they were overrun by an army of vampire and demons."
"Yeah, I guess not. Vampires slaughtering puppies would be a downer. Plus Bermuda wouldn't be any fun without the sun. How many times have we done this now? Gone through this...time loop thingamabob?"
"You could know, if you thought about it. The only things you don't know are the things you keep from yourself. But you just like hearing me say it, don't you?"
"Yeah. The number's always like, a big number and I like when you surprise me with it. I'm always completely flabbergasted when I hear it, and it's a fun feeling, being flabbergasted."
"We've gone through this time loop, replayed these events, two-hundred and twelve times now," Rachel said.
"Two-hundred and twelve times?!" Willow shouted, giggling. "Seriously?"
Rachel giggled too. "I'm afraid so. Now you know why I look so tired."
"And it's always a little different every time through, right?" Willow said. "Certain things always change...relationships change..."
"Yes. And this time, there will be even more changes...drastic changes."
Willow thought about it.
"Becca," Willow said. "Faith was...in trouble. Raziel found her father, and sent him to her. Faith was gonna kill herself. She needed Becca, only Becca could get her through that. So I brought Becca back, before she was meant to return...and that's gonna change things...a lot."
Willow thought about it some more. She came back to the altar, pushed the Bible aside, sat down atop the altar, and thought about it. Rachel sat next to her.
Willow looked up at the cross.
The cross fell from the wall, and broke into pieces on the floor.
"Bet I always do that," Willow said.
"You do," Rachel said.
Willow shook her head. "It always amazes me, how much they got wrong. They somehow went from a Jewish carpenter telling them they should maybe try honoring and loving each other for a change to some old Italian guy with all the money in the world sitting on a throne in Rome surrounded by priceless art treasures, wearing a goofy hat, ordering people killed for saying the Earth isn't the center of the universe and deciding who gets to be king of France," Willow said. "While a quarter of the world is starving. The Pope could sell Michelangelo's David and feed Africa for a decade."
Rachel took her hand.
"I'd better stop talking about this," Willow said. "Everyone in the world could die today. And talking about this kinda makes me think, why should I give a shit."
"Because you love them," Rachel said. "They've angered you. But you love them."
Willow thought about that. She thought about the people she loved.
"Bringing Becca back is gonna change everything," Willow said. "It's gonna change the whole story...more than the usual changes that happen every time through the loop. She's not supposed to be here yet, she's still supposed to be dead. She wasn't supposed to come back until next year...not until Cordy made that wish and changed the world, and Becca ended up alive again. That's how Becca was supposed to come back. But now...the scales will have to balance. There has to be a sacrifice...someone else will have to die in her place."
"You gave Rebecca back to Faith," Rachel said. "Will you take someone from Faith now, to balance the scales?"
"No," Willow said. "Hurting Faith would break my heart. So I'll hurt me instead. I'll make the sacrifice...I'll lose someone."
Willow stood up, and started pacing around the room.
"I know how this plays out," Willow said. "I'm not letting myself think about it yet, but... I know that pretty soon, I'm gonna go out there and meet my future self. And something's gonna happen...something bad...something that will make her decide to send me back in time, to before the Horsemen were released, so I can stop all this before it starts. That's what always happens, every time we go through this loop...the really bad thing always happens, and then the version of me from the future always sends me back in time to before the Key was used, so I can prevent it, prevent all of this. But...I don't understand. I could wave my hand and restore the world. I could bring all of humanity back, I could even erase their memories of this day. I could fix all this, make everything like it was. Why do I need to send myself back in time?"
"Because fixing the damage isn't enough," Rachel said. "For this one thing, this one terrible thing that's about to happen, you'll want to change history so that it never happened."
Loki tried to stand. He fell back into the mud. He managed to get back up to one knee.
"When I looked in my cauldron I saw this battle!" Loki shouted, every word lancing him with pain, as he kept part of his concentration on the cages holding Thor and Freyja. "I saw you and Thor and Freyja fighting the First Evil and its demons, and I saw you die! Every single time I gazed in that cursed cauldron, Willow! The outcome of the battle never changed! With only Thor and Freyja by your side, the First Evil's demons always killed you! I knew you wouldn't want me to come, so I needed some way to guarantee you would bring me! That's why I altered your time portal in Boston, so you would need me to find Faith, and I could put you in my debt, and force you to let me aid you today!"
"Thor came to the hotel with you! He was there when you told me you couldn't see anything in your cauldron, he even said Odin couldn't see anything in the cauldron either! So you're trying to make me believe Thor lied to me too?!"
"Odin was never there, I merely created an image of Odin to fool my brother. It was only Thor and I looking at the cauldron, and I clouded it on purpose, to prevent my brother seeing it."
"Why?!"
"Because I saw in the cauldron that this was supposed to happen, Willow. Today, your darkness was meant to overtake you."
"Meant to?"
"Time is a loop," Loki said. "I saw that your darkness overtakes you, because of me, and that this is how we win the battle. I saw that I must create the conditions by which your darkness overtakes you. I saw that I could not save you from your darkness...that it must happen, or all Midgard would be undone."
Willow looked down at him, silently, for a long moment. She stood there in the rain, and looked down at him.
"The world's already undone," Willow said. "I'm gonna undo it. Because my Faith never got to be happy, no one else does either. I know you've been working on freeing Thor and Freyja while you and I have our fun. You think I can't multitask, lover? I've been working on my own little pet project too. The life force that holds you together, the power that created the gods, it originated from human belief. But that life force is a physical thing, Loki. It's an energy field. It can be scattered, dispersed. I'm figuring out how. That's how I'm gonna kill the gods today. Every single one of you. Quick and painless. One second you're here, the next...?"
Willow snapped her fingers.
"Dust on the wind," she said.
"And you're going to start with me," Loki said, with a small smile. "I know. But before you do, will you hear this old liar's confession?"
"It's gonna take me a few more minutes to figure out how to dissipate the energy field that holds you guys together," Willow said, and took a few steps away from him, and turned her back, and hugged herself against the rain. She could have created a shield around herself to ward it off, but she didn't want to. The rain seemed appropriate now. "So talk, if you wanna talk."
Willow stood with her back turned to him. Loki sat in a puddle in the mud. The sign went on creaking. This was the place where he would die, Loki thought. A muddy road, and a creaking sign. Sitting in the rain. No glorious battle. No lofty peaks. No crystal spires.
"My cauldron didn't show me the whole puzzle at once," Loki said. "It only revealed the puzzle to me a piece at a time. It would give me a clue, and then I would act upon it, and then it would give me another clue...like a trail of bread crumbs, leading a child through the woods. As if some outside force was controlling it...as if someone wanted to prod me to act in a certain way. I saw that the battle here could not be won by you and Thor and Freyja alone, and that you would die here, so at first I decided to simply tell you and Thor the truth, show you what the cauldron had shown me, so that you would allow me to come and aid you. But the moment I made that decision, the cauldron then showed me the result of that decision: we four, you, Thor, Freyja and I, came down here to fight and we still lost, and you still died. Every time I peered into the cauldron, you died. No matter what new strategy I conceived, you died. So then I decided to keep my own counsel, and not tell you what I had seen in the cauldron, but I resolved to still find a way to ensure that you would bring me along. And the moment I made that decision, the cauldron changed again: this time, the battle here was won, and the world was renewed. But you still died. And that simply wouldn't do. Without you, I wouldn't give a fig for Midgard."
Willow stood with her back turned to him, still hugging herself, and shivering a little now. She felt cold now.
"I caused your time portal to overshoot its mark in Boston, allowing Faith to be captured, so you would need my aid to find her, and I could put you in my debt, and force you to bring me here," Loki continued. "And in the meantime I was trying to find some way to win the battle and save you, as well. I decided this First Evil creature must be the key. He controls these demons, and if I could find a way to destroy him, I thought I might win the battle and save you. But when I gazed into the cauldron after that...every time after that...I saw your darkness overtake you. I saw that I could save your life, but not your soul. I tried, Willow. I tried and tried. I spent weeks stooped over that wretched, stinking cauldron...until I realized I could not save you from this, because it was fated to happen. This darkness is something you are meant to go through."
Loki tried to stand up again. He couldn't.
He crawled through the mud to Willow, and took her hand.
She turned, and looked down at him. He looked up into her eyes. They were still black.
"I destroyed my cauldron out of frustration, when it would not solve the puzzle to my satisfaction, my dove," Loki said. "And I was very fond of that cauldron, too. Like you, I can be reckless. But before I destroyed it, the cauldron gave me the distinct impression that you are going to do something terrible today, Willow. I beg you, do not."
"Aw, that's cute, begging for your life," Willow said, and smiled her ugly smile. "But evil guys are only fun when they're hotties. And right now you look like a burnt sausage."
"I am not begging for my life," Loki said. "The terrible thing you are going to do, you are going to do to yourself, Willow. And, I beg you...do not."
Raziel looked around. He saw Death near the top of the hill, watching him. He saw the fields of black energy holding the gods, Thor and Freyja, in place. He saw the fort, unprotected, a ripe fruit there for the plucking. The future version of Willow and the other god, Loki, were miles away. Raziel was fairly certain that Loki wouldn't be coming back, and he was also fairly certain that the Willow from the future wasn't paying attention to him. She wanted to destroy the world, and stopping him didn't seem to be a priority for her.
Not that she could ever have a hope of stopping him anyway. Raziel was an angel. Willow could hurt him, perhaps--that hammer looked powerful. But it wasn't possible to kill an angel. Raziel was his mother's son, and he knew Her power and Her light were in him...She might have sent him away, She might be angry with him, but Raziel knew his mother loved him.
He considered shedding Angelus' skin, and wearing his true form. It seemed like it might be appropriate, now...at the end of things. Because it was the end: the fort was unprotected, and Raziel meant to go in there and kill everyone, including the Willow who belonged in this time, before the Goddess could be convinced to intervene. Killing Willow would have the extra benefit of eliminating the future version of her from the equation as well, which was important, since she wanted to destroy the entire human race, and Raziel didn't. He simply wanted to start the human race over again...to breed them like the animals they were, and show the Goddess that the souls She had given them were a wasted gift, just pearls cast before swine, and that it was a mistake for her to let these human monkeys into Her heart, and crowd him out.
As he strolled toward the fort, he decided to keep Angelus' form. He knew the Willow in there wouldn't like it.
Raziel strolled right up to the fort's entrance, and bounced off an energy shield. He hadn't seen it before, but now it flared to life at his touch, covering the entire fort in a dome of light that thundered with power and shimmered like diamonds in the darkness: it looked like it was made out of starlight.
Raziel, the first and most powerful of all the angels, more powerful even than a god, hammered at that shield with all his strength, and didn't affect it in the slightest.
"Son of a bitch!" he screamed. "First I gotta deal with people frigging teleporting around all over the place and magically just happening to appear just in time to fuck me over, and then that frigging shield appears outside the mansion, and then Faith's fucking Watcher comes back from the dead, and then a bunch of frigging gods fly down out of the sky, and now this?!"
"FUCK!" he shouted.
"What the hell are you looking at?" Raziel said.
"But it does happen, Rachel," Willow said. "It happens every time. Every time through the loop the same terrible thing happens and instead of just waving my hand and restoring the world to the way it was, my future self sends me back in time to prevent this battle from ever taking place, because the terrible thing she's about to do here, whatever it is, is so bad she can't deal with it...and I succeed for awhile, I hide the Key and this battle doesn't take place. But then I always fail, because in 2009 Warren invents his time machine and changes everything so the Key is used and the battle does take place, and we lose. So what am I even doing any of this for, living these same eleven years over and over again? Okay, this is all making my head hurt."
Willow shook her head, and sighed.
"I may be the creator of the universe but time travel is still confusing so just bear with me here. Let me just...think this through. Okay. The way it went this time through the loop was...I'm born in 1981. I live my life, everything is sort of boring and lame for a long time. James Van Der Beek never once asks me out. Neither does Ricky Martin and damn it I'm realizing now that Tara's right and he was gay. Shit." Willow smiled. "Anyway...then I run into Buffy and I find out about vampires and stuff and life gets interesting in a hurry, but not in a good way. I start helping Buffy out. Angel shows up, broods at everybody and looks hot and we all wonder about his hair. We have whole conversations about his hair. Buffy and I even use Xander as a guinea pig to try to recreate Angel's hair on someone else, but it doesn't work, plus then Xander gets pouty. Buffy dies, then she changes her mind and decides not to, but Kendra is still activated. Buffy and Angel get hot and heavy, and Angel loses his soul. Then Angelus kills a bunch of little kids and sends Buffy the pictures just to get under Buffy's skin, plus he makes Dru give me her memories of what he did to her. Meanwhile Faith is a potential Slayer in Boston being trained by Becca, but once Dru kills Kendra, Faith is activated. Buffy sends Angelus to that hell dimension and then she takes off for L.A. and tries to kill herself. I save her. Everything's sorta quiet for a little while after that. Angel comes back but Buffy doesn't tell me, probably because things were too quiet and she sensed we needed more drama. I find out Angel's back and start getting really pissed, cue the drama. Then Kakistos kicks the drama up a notch when he shows up and goes after Faith in Boston. He kills Becca and a whole bunch of other people in that restaurant at the top of the Prudential Building, he kicks Faith out a window and..."
Willow stopped pacing. She looked at Rachel.
"Faith died," Willow said. "I just realized...when Kakistos kicked Faith out of the restaurant...it was like, a fifty-two story fall. Faith died from that fall."
"Yes," Rachel said.
"I saved her," Willow said. "I brought her back. When those three vampires attacked me in the alley near the Magic Box, I prayed for help...and I sent Faith to help me. The thing at the Prudential Building happened the week before that, but...I reached back through time and brought her back to life. I sent her to me. I was scared in the alley and Faith always protects me and...even though I didn't know who I was, didn't know the things I could do...I was scared and the first thing I thought of was Faith even though I wasn't conscious of it. I brought her back to life and sent her to the alley to save me."
"Yes," Rachel said.
Willow stood there, in the dark. She reached out...
Her eyes filled with tears.
"Faith's dead out there," Willow said. "My baby's dead."
"Yes," Rachel said. "I'm sorry, mother."
"She died protecting me," Willow said. "She always protects me."
Willow was quiet for awhile. Then she wiped her tears away, and started pacing again.
"She's gonna be alive again," Willow said. "She's gonna be alive and happy. I'm gonna see to it. So Becca died at the Prudential Building, but I brought Faith back to life. Faith comes to Sunnydale looking for Buffy, because Kakistos told her he's going after Buffy next, and she loses Evan. Does that always happen? Do we always have to lose Evan?"
"Not always," Rachel said. "But if you don't lose him, Kakistos kills someone else."
"Buffy," Willow said. "Somehow, I know...that sometimes Kakistos kills her instead of Evan. Sometimes, when Faith comes to Sunnydale, she brings Evan instead of leaving him behind...and then Kakistos kills Buffy. Kakistos always kills one of them...he always takes one of them away from me."
"Some things can't be changed," Rachel said.
"Yeah. Even though they break my heart. Okay, so...Faith comes to Sunnydale and saves me in the alley, she meets Buffy, they kill Kakistos. Then Buffy and Faith become a couple, and Xander and I become a couple. Buffy and Faith do their usual thing where they fight and make up like thirty times. During one of their thirty fights Faith got it into her head that Buffy doesn't care about her and she decides to kill herself. Tara saves her. Tara's magic tarot cards told her to go to the lighthouse that night and she meets Faith there and saves her. Faith spends a week with Tara, and Tara shows her people can care. Then, on November 13th, Giles tells us about the Key. We go after it, and we nearly all get killed by the Vigil of Saint Vigeous. We come away with what we think is the Key, but it's a fake because Spike has not only stolen the Key and is offering it to the highest bidder even though he has no idea what it can do because he's an idiot, but he's also double-dealing. The next night, Faith's birthday, the Vigil of Saint Vigeous comes after me at the Bronze, because Raziel's controlling them and they've found out that I'm the one who can save the world. Faith almost dies protecting me, but I call her back from it. I revive her and even though she's really hurt she refuses to go to a hospital because hospitals scare her. So I reach out to her mind to see how badly she's hurt, and that's when I get her memories..."
Willow stopped pacing again.
"And it wasn't an accident," Willow said. "I did that on purpose, without even realizing it. I wanted her memories...I've been watching over her since she was born but I wanted even more, I wanted to...experience her life."
"Yes," Rachel said. "You do that every time you replay these events. Some things change, but some things are always the same. Faith always saves you in the alley. You always lose either Evan or Buffy. And at some point, you always absorb Faith's memories...you always share her life."
Willow smiled. "Yeah. I don't ever want Faith to feel alone. Okay...so I get Faith's memories. Buffy asks Angel to help us and I nearly kill him, and then Buffy nearly kills him, when I tell her what he did to me. We sort of compromise and agree to just be really really rude to Angel all the time but not kill him. We tell Faith about Angel and somehow get her to agree not to kill him too, which she sticks to for about three days. But at least Tara never tries to kill him. Meanwhile Raziel's coming after us, taking our forms so he can absorb our memories just like I absorbed Faith's...and he uses them against us. On November seventeenth he tells Xander the secret we've been keeping from him, what Angelus did to me. Xander gets all male on our asses and takes off and makes me leave with him. By this point Angel's figured out that Spike is in this Key business so Buffy and Faith go looking for Spike. Xander and I have a fight and he dumps me because he can't deal with what Angelus did to me and...and because maybe he never really loved me."
"He loved you, mother," Rachel said. "He loved you."
"Didn't always feel like it. He wanted me to be someone else. But maybe it serves me right, huh? I mean, I'm doing the same thing with humanity that Xander did with me. Here I am judging the human race because I want them to be something that maybe they're not... something that maybe they can't ever be. But as long as you love me, sweetie, I'm fine. Just need my Rachel and I'm fine."
"I love you," Rachel said. "I'll always be here to annoy you."
"Cool," Willow said, and smiled. "Okay, so...Xander dumps me and I decide all men suck, probably even James Van Der Beek. Tara shows up at the house, she sees the Key is a fake, she locates Spike. Buffy and Faith go after the Key and just miss, cue the apocalypse, for the two-hundred and twelfth time. If that isn't bad enough Cordy like, follows us home and now I'm dealing with the apocalypse and Cordy and what's even worse, Cordy turns out to be sorta not entirely evil after all. So I grit my teeth while Cordy does her thing where she keeps saying blunt, insulting, annoyingly true stuff to all of us, and meanwhile Raziel keeps coming after us, attacking us, keeping us off-guard, trying to force us into accepting his offer to lead a human slave race. After losing Xander to the Vigil of Saint Vigeous, losing Joyce to Dru and losing Giles to the Mayor, we're about to say yes when War shows up with my Annabelle. The one child I left in the world...the one I left for me. Like Oz, Annabelle shows me the good in human beings...the beauty in them. War brings my Annabelle to me, and when I look into her eyes I know I can't accept Raziel's offer...I can't let her grow up in that world. I take care of her, and we all decide to reject Raziel's offer and keep fighting. We all decided Faith should be the leader so Raziel goes after Faith next, appearing to her as Becca, and then he sends Faith's father to her, and Faith's father tells her the things I didn't want her to know. Faith's about to kill herself when she finds out...so I bring Becca back."
"Which has never happened before," Rachel said. "That's the change to the story."
"Raziel never sent Faith's father to her any of the other times?"
"No. But the key wasn't her father, it was the records from the abortion clinic."
Willow thought about it.
"They weren't computerized before," Willow said. "All the other times we've gone through this loop, that abortion clinic had mostly paper records until early 1999. This time, they finished converting all their records into digital files a few months early."
"And Raziel's priests had people doing research into you and all your friends, looking for anything they could use," Rachel said. "When they did a computer search on Faith's mother they stumbled upon the records of the abortion clinic, and that led them to the police report about the rape...and Faith's father. Raziel knows the minds and memories of all the vampires in the world, but Faith's father never knew the full name of the woman he raped, he never knew she was Faith's mother."
"But once Raziel had the records from the abortion clinic and the police report, he was able to put it all together," Willow said. "He figured out who Faith's father was, and he had an extra stroke of luck because it turned out the guy was a vampire now. So he sent him to see Faith, and it almost killed her."
"And you sent Rebecca back, and Rebecca saved her," Rachel said. "But now the story has been changed."
"Yeah. Okay...let me just finish getting all this stuff straight in my head before I think about the changes. Since Raziel can see a little bit of the future he's foreseen that he would've gotten away with it if it weren't for these darn kids so he fakes that book to get me to deliver myself right into his hands because, y'know, I can be kinda dumb sometimes. Also because it's what I wanted to happen. It happens every time through the loop, because I allow it to happen. I want to see the worst of humanity, before I have to make my decision to save it. People beat me and torture me in the closet for five days. But Oz doesn't. Meanwhile the gods are taking an interest. Tara calls on Loki to save me because Athena wouldn't help, because Athena knew I didn't want her to help. But Athena won't let Loki have Tara so she royally kicks his ass and then helps find me anyway, by using Oz. Which means I become close to Oz earlier than I was supposed to, because now we take Oz back to the mansion with us instead of the Initiative picking him up, and I decide maybe all men don't suck after all and Oz and I go on a date. Which stresses Tara out. But that's a whole other thing and my head already hurts. So we come here to fight the battle at the fort. I'm inside down here and I don't know how it goes, how we win, but somehow I get sent back in time to just before the Key got used, so I can prevent all this. But once I get sent back I can't remember who sent me back or how it happened, because the Willow from the future is gonna erase my memory of most of this stuff. I hide the Key, this battle never takes place, and we all go on with our lives. There's lots more bad guys coming up, lots of boyfriends going bad and making me think maybe all guys suck again. Plus a really weird few days when everyone in town just starts singing all the time. Plus I start hanging out with Thor. And Loki, speaking of boyfriends going bad. Buffy and Faith end up together, Xander runs his own construction company and ends up marrying that annoying ex-vengeance demon, I buy into some really questionable fashion trends, end up going to Harvard for my graduate degree, get all politically correct for a year until I snap out of it and get over myself. I have a few relationships, at least one disastrous hair style, and I end up falling in love with Tara. By 2009, when Warren screws everything up with his frigging time machine, Tara and I are committed to each other. Do I always fall in love with Tara? Do I always end up with her?"
"No," Rachel said.
"Um...oh. Okay...anyway..."
Willow started pacing again.
Willow stopped pacing again.
"No, wait," Willow said. "Who do I usually end up with? I mean...we've done this more than two-hundred times now, so who do I usually end up with? Y'know...romantically. Gimme like, the percentage breakdown."
Rachel smiled. "The percentage breakdown?"
"You're really asking me this question."
"Yeah. I mean...you could give me an answer, right?"
"It's simple math. But do you want an answer?"
"Um...okay, you have a point there. How's this. Throw me a bone at least. At least tell me something. How about...okay, who's the person I ended up with the least? Like, the person I'd be most surprised I ended up with."
"The most surprising person isn't the person you end up with the least. And you could know all of this if you simply thought about it."
"I like it better when you tell me stuff. Tell me the most surprising person, and then tell me who I end up with the least."
"Well, I suppose the most surprising person would be James Van Der Beek. Out of the two-hundred and twelve times you've gone through the time loop, you've ended up married to him six times."
Willow's jaw dropped. Her eyes lit up. "Really?! GET OUT!"
Willow started giggling uncontrollably. She ran back to Rachel, and grabbed her by the shoulders.
"Really?!" Willow squealed.
"Yes," Rachel said.
"REALLY?!" Willow squealed again, louder.
"No," Rachel said. "I made that up."
Willow looked like someone had just stolen her lunch money. Her smile took a nosedive and crashed like someone had shot it out of the sky over Germany.
Rachel laughed.
"You...made it up?" Willow said.
"I inherited your quirky sense of humor," Rachel said.
Willow pouted at her.
"This is completely karmic retribution for selling all those elevator passes at school," Willow said. "It's also your cute way of saying you're not gonna answer my question."
"You don't really want me to. The reason you won't just let yourself know the answer is that you can sense you don't want to know. Right now your loves are infinite possibilities. Every answer I give you would narrow them down...take away some of the wonder."
"Ignorance is bliss?"
"Sometimes."
"You're really annoying when you're bein' all, y'know, logical and stuff."
"You love when I annoy you."
Willow smiled, despite herself.
"Yeah," Willow said. "So okay, where was I...so Warren invents his time machine in 2009 and screws up the time line by attacking people I love in the past. He goes after Becca first, and he succeeds in killing her, in 1972. But that creates a domino effect. Without Becca, Faith died in Boston in 1997 because Becca wasn't there to save her. Without Faith, I died in 1998 when those three vampires jumped me near the Magic Box. Without me to do this ceremony today, the world was never saved, humanity either eventually became extinct by 2001 or frigging Warren ended up running things for the First, because a second version of Warren from farther on in the time line was running around too, just to be doubly annoying, and he created sort of a side branch in the time line for a little while until he comes after me in 1972 and then I kill him. But anyway, before I run into him in 1972, back in 2009 everyone dies retroactively. One second everything's fine in 2009, next thing I know, bang, everyone starts disappearing around me. I barely manage to create a portal and escape into the past. I figure out what Warren's up to and the first thing I do is find Tara when she's a little girl and hide her from him. I give her that necklace, plus a spell book and a deck of magic tarot cards that I got in Asgard. That gets her into magic. And because I know Warren's trying to alter our futures I also put it in Tara's head that she has to come to Sunnydale in 1998. And she does. And she saves Faith's life in 1998, because the tarot cards I gave her send her to the lighthouse."
"Time is a loop," Rachel said.
"Yeah," Willow said. "An annoyingly complicated one. I save Becca in 1972 next, with Thor's help, and I prove to her that magic is real and I tell her she has to pick Faith, when the Watchers give her a choice of potential Slayers. And she does, because I told her to. Also I kill one of the Warrens, so no more being king of the human race and boinking supermodels for him, and the little side path he created in the time line is destroyed with him. Then the other Warren goes after Faith in Boston. I save her from him and then Faith and I stay together, because it's winter and I just can't deal with sending her back on to the street. When Thor and Loki tell me that stopping Warren hasn't fixed the time line I sorta go a little crazy. Eventually, Faith and I fall in love, the way we both always wanted to...and then you told me I had to leave."
Rachel took her hand.
"I wish I didn't have to," Rachel said. "But the loop had to be completed. If not, all of your creation would have come undone."
Willow kissed Rachel's forehead.
"Yeah, sweetie," Willow said. "I know. So even though I fixed all the damage Warren did, the world was still gone in 2009 anyway because Warren's screwing around changed things so that the Key was used, and we lost the battle here today. And then I mope around in Asgard being pissed at Loki for awhile, what else is new, until I finally figure it out--that I was the reason we won the battle here. The Willow from 2009 came back here and won the battle, that's the way the battle is always won. So she comes back here, and she's out there right now, and here we are. All that's left is the terrible thing she's gonna do, whatever it is, it's gonna happen any minute now, and then she's gonna send me back to before the Key was used, and then the loop starts again...if I allow it. Right now the loop is complete. I could let this world end now, instead of starting the loop again. I can feel it...she's done something...she's set something in motion that will destroy this planet. It's gonna happen minutes from now...but just before it does, she sends me back, and the loop starts again...if I allow it."
"Yes," Rachel said. "Though there have been changes every time."
"Sending myself back to before the Key gets used is the reason things change a little every time we go through the loop, right? I mean, if I just fixed the world and went on from here, I'd grow to become the Willow out there now, and nothing would change--the life I lead would be the exact life she led. But sending myself back to before the Key gets used, that means things change. I get there and I change things."
"If you didn't send yourself back and prevent the Key from being used, if instead you restored the world today, brought the sun back, returned all the dead to life, and then moved forward from this day, your life would never change," Rachel said. "You would become the woman outside, and meet your younger self here today, and then in eleven years she would become the woman outside, and meet her younger self here today...not a single nuance of your life would ever change, no matter how many times the loop played out."
"If that was the case I can't see why I'd even bother allowing this time loop to exist. I guess I'd just end it. I'm allowing this to play out over and over again, two-hundred and twelve times so far now, because I want the changes, don't I? I want it to be different every time."
"Yes."
"And Becca being here early will make the changes even bigger this time. When I send myself back, it will be to a little before the Key was used. But Becca died way back in September, and the Key was used on November seventeenth. I didn't bring Becca back until November twenty-third. So when the other me sends me back in time...Becca will be dead again. The only way Becca can be alive when I get back, the only way I can let Faith keep her, is if I make a change...and it will mean a sacrifice."
"What change will you make?"
"The day Becca died, she invited Faith to come with her and her boyfriend Trevor to the Top of the Hub restaurant in the Prudential Building. Faith wanted to go, but she was a little angry at Becca because of the vampire they took down the night before, a girl who had a boyfriend she loved, and Faith had to kill them both, and it freaked her out. Faith didn't know vampires could have feelings. She felt like Becca had kept stuff from her, she felt angry, confused. And so she told Becca no when Becca invited her to dinner. Faith had plans with Evan and his friends anyway and she went out with them instead, but she didn't like feeling angry at Becca so she cut that short and went to the restaurant after all...and she was too late. This time, Faith will have another chance to say yes when Becca invites her out for dinner. And she will say yes. With Faith there right from the start of the fight, Kakistos won't be able to hurt Becca. Trevor will still die, and a lot of other people will die too, but Becca won't. This time when Faith comes to Sunnydale to warn Buffy about Kakistos, she'll have Becca with her. And that will change everything. This time when Faith and Buffy meet and have that first fight, Buffy doesn't take us to find Faith the next morning and apologize because she feels guilty about Faith's Watcher dying. Because this time Faith's Watcher didn't die. And the way it goes this time, even though Becca wants us all to work together, Buffy's stubborn, and jealous because I like Faith and she thinks I'm taking Faith's side...and so Buffy refuses to work with Becca and Faith, and she goes on patrol with Xander...and before me and Becca and Faith can find her, Kakistos finds her...and Xander...Xander..."
Willow started to cry.
"Xander..." she whispered.
"I've figured it out, Loki," Willow said. "I know how to kill you all now."
Loki nodded. He knelt in the mud, and waited. This wasn't how he had envisioned himself dying. But in a way, he thought it was perversely appropriate. He was cheating...he wasn't dying the way the Sagas had foretold. He rather liked that.
He had finally unraveled the cages. Thor and Freyja had just been freed, and were getting their bearings. He knew they would arrive too late to save him, but that wasn't why he had freed them. He hoped they wouldn't be too late to save Willow. Loki didn't know what the terrible thing was that she would do today, but he knew it would shatter her.
He knelt there, burned, exhausted, half-dead, without the strength even to heal himself. He had spent all his strength unraveling the cages. He thought he must look hideous now. Loki had always been rather vain and it annoyed him, that he had to look ugly in his last moments. He wished he could change into a raven. He liked ravens. He thought they were beautiful, noble creatures, with the most penetrating eyes...but Loki didn't have the strength to change to a raven. So he knelt there in the mud, a god, waiting to die.
"Can you tell the truth for me, just once?" Willow said.
"Aye," Loki said.
"Did you ever really love me?" Willow said. "Or was I just some girl you fucked?"
"I have loved you from the moment I set eyes upon you, Willow," Loki said, looking straight up into Willow's black eyes, not at all disconcerted by what he saw there, now...because this was her too, he realized. This darkness was part of Willow...it always had been. And Loki thought it no less beautiful. Willow's black eyes were more beautiful than any raven's.
"You shouldn't have done that to Faith. Even if I believe you, that you did it to save my life. You shouldn't have. You should've let me die. Do you know how it makes me feel, being alive because you let her be tortured? How it makes me feel, knowing she died here today, and I was too late to save her, again? I held her dead body in my arms a little while ago. Life never gave her a chance. She felt cold all the time, she felt scared all the time, she felt worthless all the time, she felt alone all the time. And then you fixed things so that she had to spend hours being tortured and pissed on. The fact you did it for me just makes me feel worse about it. You should've let me die, Loki, instead of letting my Faith be tortured for me. I'd die for Faith. Me for her? That's a trade I'd be happy to make. But you never gave me a choice. You never gave her a choice."
"Choice? You speak of choice to me, who has never had one? The play's the thing, Willow, and I am but an actor upon the stage. I play the role human beings created for me, even now, even today. This darkness in you needed a spark to ignite it, and I was that spark, because I love you. But I did not expect to love you...you were a beautiful surprise. Alas, love is a hard taskmaster. I could not let you die, because I love you, and yet I did a despicable thing to save you, and I regret it. I regret that I caused that child pain. I...humbly apologize."
"It's funny. You were always the one who was supposed to cause the end of the world in the Sagas, the one who kills the gods during Ragnarok. And you did cause the end of the world, Loki. Not the way the Sagas say, but you still did. All this world is, is pain. The kind of place where a beautiful girl like Faith has to spend her life beaten down? That's the world the Goddess gives us to live in? Fuck that. It's time for this world to end. If I ever met the Goddess I'd spit in Her fucking face. Did you lie when you said you loved me?"
"I did not lie. I've always cherished you. Do not be reckless today, my dove. Do not hurt yourself. I could not bear it, if the pain I foresaw for you came to pass."
"Pain's ending soon, for all of us. Faith loved me, Tara loved me, Buffy loved me, Becca loved me. Now they're all dead. Everyone who loves me dies. Now it's your turn. Don't worry. It won't hurt."
Willow crouched down beside him. She ran her fingers through what was left of his hair; a few burned, straggling tufts sticking up out of a charred skull.
"I love you too," Willow whispered, and kissed his black, shriveled lips...a kiss goodbye.
And the ancient energies binding Loki together dispersed...they lit up the black sky, like a rainbow...
...And then they faded away...and Loki was gone.
Willow stood up. She nearly broke down crying. It took her unawares: tears ran down her cheeks before she could stop them.
She wiped them away. There was too much to do. She had made her decision. She wouldn't go back now...there was no turning back now.
She thought of Faith, dead on the battlefield, so young...
Willow steeled herself. She felt her rage, like a steady flame inside her, giving her power, purpose. Compelling her forward like a train barreling down a track and picking up speed...
Willow raised Thor's hammer, and summoned the storm winds to her. They bore her into the sky, back toward the fort...
A second later, she saw Freyja, streaking straight toward her, like a hawk after a fieldmouse. Willow raised her hand, and Freyja disappeared in an explosion of rainbow light. The light hung in the air a moment, like streamers, and then it faded away, leaving only darkness in its wake.
Willow held Thor's hammer aloft, and flew on through the darkness, and the storm came with her...
They sat in silence for awhile, after that. Rachel held Willow in her arms, and Willow cried, silently.
After awhile, Willow went into her book bag, and pulled out her last two Sprites. She handed one to Rachel. They sat together on the altar, holding hands, and sipped them in the candlelight.
"You don't have to lose Xander," Rachel said. "You could let Rebecca stay dead."
"No," Willow said. "Faith needs her. And Xander died anyway...he died on November seventeenth. It's not fair, that I go back in time and get to have Xander alive again, and Buffy gets to have Joyce alive again, but Faith gets nothing. I want Faith to have something too. I want her to have Becca. So I'll sacrifice. I'll lose Xander."
"He did love you, you know."
"Yeah. As much as he could. And I just realized why I'm doing this. Why I'm allowing this time loop to keep recurring, why I'm living these eleven years over and over again. It isn't that I can't make up my mind about humanity and so I need to keep on living these years repeatedly. It's Raziel, isn't it? I'm doing this for him."
"Yes," Rachel said.
"I want him to live these years over and over again...to see every aspect of human beings, every aspect of love, courage, sacrifice...empathy," Willow said. "When he takes their forms, every time he takes their forms, he learns a little more. That's why I've designed this loop so that there are changes every time we go through it. So that things will go a little differently each time...so Raziel can have different experiences each time...so he can learn new things each time. I want him to keep repeating this loop until he's learned."
"Yes," Rachel said. "And he's learning. He could've killed you when he first captured you, but he had taken Buffy's form then and he couldn't bring himself to do it. Then he could've killed you when you walked into his trap, but he had taken Xander's form, and again he couldn't bring himself to do it. In fact he nearly freed you from that closet, and repented of all this. He came very close this time, mother."
"Not close enough," Willow said. "We're gonna have to go through the loop again. We're gonna go through it until he learns. If I have to let him lock me in that fucking closet another thousand times, then...then..."
Willow's eyes filled with tears again. Rachel hugged her.
"Then that's what I'll do for my son," Willow said. "That's what I'll do."
"He loves you, mother," Rachel whispered. "You know he does. He just doesn't understand why we have to share you."
Willow smiled. "I can be like that too. I was an only child...I mean, y'know...Willow was. So...I'm not really so great with sharing. The whole thing with me and Cordy all started because I lent her one of my crayons back in kindergarten and she broke it."
"It did, didn't it? That really is what happened between you two."
"I had a complete set of these totally awesome crayons and they were all like perfectly sharpened and perfectly organized by color! And then she took the best color, aquamarine, and just, bang, breaks it. And she didn't even think it was a big deal! I remember her telling me to get over myself. She was like four and she's already all, oh, get over yourself, Willow. What kind of four-year old kid says get over yourself? And I remember looking at Cordy at that moment and thinking, you and I must now be enemies forever."
Rachel laughed. "Of course the thing you never let yourself realize until now is, you've actually always been very fond of her."
"Yeah," Willow said, and smiled. "She's honest. So, let's see. I just found out I'm the Goddess. I just found out I'm in like this Star Trek repeating time loop thingamabob and I've already done all this stuff two-hundred and twelve times." Willow sighed. "And I just admitted to myself that I'm very fond of Cordy."
Willow was afraid, suddenly. She knew something was coming. Something so terrible, she didn't know what it was, because she was afraid to know...
Willow looked down at the remnants of the cross on the floor.
"Y'know, the one saving grace of Catholicism is the Spanish Inquisition," Willow said. "I don't mean the actual Spanish Inquisition, that sucked. I mean the Monty Python skit. If there was no Catholic Church there'd be no Spanish Inquisition skit, and that would just be sad. No one expects the Spanish Inquisition! I think I'm gonna keep making us go through this time loop until Raziel learns about empathy and admits Monty Python is awesome."
Rachel laughed.
"I swear, next time through this loop I'm gonna insert like a hypnotic suggestion in my own head to make me ask for a Comfy Chair I can sit in down here. And I want it to look exactly like the one in the Spanish Inquisition skit. Plus soft cushions, so if the vamp army makes it down here I can poke them."
"I'm not sure the vampires will appreciate your quirky sense of humor the way I do."
"Your sense of humor is totally quirky too," Willow said. "It's like completely as quirky as mine. I'm not sure I want to save the world, Rachel. I'm not sure I want to save them this time. But I probably say that every time, don't I?"
"Yes," Rachel said.
Willow held on tight to Rachel's hand. Whatever the terrible thing was that frightened her, it was coming closer.
"Raziel needs to learn," Willow said. "So I'll save the world. I'll send us all through the time loop again. I'll go into that closet and be tortured again. As many times as I have to."
Willow reached out. She knew it was almost time to do the thing she had come there to do...so before she did, she reached out...to everyone, everywhere.
She knew them all, their thoughts, their memories, their hopes, their fears... she knew every part of them, in an instant. At the mansion, Annabelle was playing Hungry Hungry Hippos with Cordy and Sol. Willow smiled. Watching Annabelle made Willow less afraid. A terrible thing was coming, but Annabelle was there in the world too. So maybe the world wasn't so terrible...Willow let her mind glide through the world, touching everything, everywhere...
In Rwanda, women of the Tutsi caste were being raped by Hutu soldiers as part of a military strategy. The world may have been ending but the Hutu had their own genocide to concentrate on and they wanted to make sure they completed it. The women who had been raped were considered dishonorable by their families, and cast out, and sometimes killed. Sometimes their husbands killed themselves too. The Hutu soldiers took care of the rest. Beheaded bodies lined the dirt roads of the squalid little village like fields of cabbage. Willow saw them right in front of her as if she was standing there beside them. Her smile faded.
In South Boston, Janet Lehane sat in her little kitchen, in the dark. A bottle of peppermint schnapps was on the table in front of her, and a wine glass. Next to that, there was a framed photograph.
In the photograph, she and Faith were at the beach, building sandcastles...Faith was seven. They were both smiling, and the sun was shining down like it would always be there... like the rest of their lives would be a golden morning...
"I'm sorry," Janet whispered. "I hope you found your way out there. I hope you're okay out there, someplace...that maybe someone better than me found you, and took care of you."
Janet started to cry.
"I know why I'm still alive," she whispered. "Why the monsters never got me. God's angry with me. God wants me to live, so I can suffer for what I did. I haven't had a drink in two weeks, Faith. I know that don't matter to you now. But I just wanted you to know. There ain't any meetings I can go to because damn near everybody in the city's dead but me. So I have my own meeting. Right here. My name's Janet Lehane, and I'm an alcoholic. I haven't had a drink in two weeks."
She ran her finger over the framed photograph...she traced Faith's hair.
"I lost my little girl because I was weak," Janet said. "Because I couldn't get past what happened to me in that bar. I took it out on her, but it wasn't her fault. She was just a little girl. My beautiful little girl. And now my little girl's gone. You don't realize how special stuff is...not until it's gone..."
Janet tried wiping her tears away, but they were coming too fast. Finally she gave up, and let herself cry.
"I know you're keeping me alive because you want me to suffer, Lord," Janet said. "I know you're angry with me, and I can't ever make it right. And I ain't complainin' about that. I made my bed, I'll lie in it. I deserve to suffer. But, please, please...if you're a merciful God, if you haven't abandoned us...watch over my little girl. Watch over my little girl."
"I will," Willow said.
"I saw her too," Rachel said. "Faith's mother. She's the only person left alive in that entire town. Have you been keeping her alive so that she'll suffer?"
"Yeah," Willow said. "I hid her from the vampires, and I made sure she could find food. Because she needs to feel what she lost. She needs to understand just what a precious, beautiful thing she trampled on and threw away."
"She hasn't had a drink," Rachel said. "She's trying to be strong...to repent."
"The damage has been done. But let's not talk about that anymore. It hurts too much. Does Evan always have to die? Is there a way I could save him? The other Willow is gonna send me back to before the Key was used. Can't I save Evan then?"
"The Willow from the future doesn't send you back far enough. You'd have to go all the way back to the day after Faith left for Sunnydale. She won't send you back that far."
"I could do it myself then. I could change my destination when she sends me back, I could send myself the rest of the way, all the way back to September instead of November. Then I could save him, right? And Becca too...and then...maybe I wouldn't have to lose Xander."
"Yes. But why stop there? You could travel back to May, and save Kendra too. Or you could travel back to March, and save those eighteen little girls, or February, and save Jenny Calendar. You could travel back to 1860, and save Drusilla and her family. You could travel back to 1609 and save Darla from the Master. You could prevent Hitler's rise to power. You could eradicate the Black Plague. You could prevent Islam, which has enslaved women for more than a thousand years, from ever spreading. You could save Jesus Christ from being crucified. Prevent Atlantis from sinking beneath the waves. You could stop the very first murder ever committed by a human being. You could reveal yourself to the human race in all your power and glory and demand that they obey your will, and they would. You could do all those things. But they wouldn't be human beings anymore, if you did. The world wouldn't be free anymore...the story would end. All the stories would end."
"Have I told you how annoying you are when you're logical?"
"Yes."
Willow looked down at the fragments of the cross on the floor.
"So Evan dies too this time, and there's nothing I can do about it," Willow said. "Everyone I love always leaves."
"Not forever, mother," Rachel said, and kissed her cheek. Willow leaned her head on her shoulder.
"Sometimes, human beings do things that make me remember why I love them," Willow said. "But then, sometimes..."
Willow was still connected to them all...to everyone in the world. She knew all the beautiful things they held inside them...and the ugly things.
"About five years ago, there was this little boy in Boston who got kidnapped," Willow said. "I knew about it because I got Faith's memories, and Faith heard about it on the news out there. The boy was six. Two guys kidnapped him, beat him, raped him repeatedly, and when they were done with him, they locked him in an oil drum and let him suffocate to death."
"Sometimes I think, I should right all the wrongs," Rachel said. "That I should stop those things from happening. I could. But then...what would be the point? Would I set myself up as their ruler? Forcing them to act a certain way, taking away their choice, what would be the point of their lives?"
"But that happens eventually, doesn't it?" Willow said. "I just like, got a flash of it. I'm not gonna do it, you're not gonna do it, but one of the Powers is. She's gonna come down here in 2002 and claim to be me and try to take over. She connects everybody psychically to each other and they all start worshipping her and it becomes like this big Invasion of the Body Snatchers thing. Everybody's happy, there's no more war, no more violence, but no one has any freedom. All they can do is worship her. What was her name? Which one of the Powers was it?"
"Omniel," Rachel said. "She meant well, but she became prideful. After she was overthrown, you sent me to punish her."
"She sinned against me, when she tried to control them. But I understand why she did it. I didn't create human beings, not exactly. Not the way I created you. I set in motion the process that created them. The process works on random chance. Some of them disappoint me. But that's all part of the story...good and evil, existing together. When I got Faith's memories a few weeks ago, I thought about that boy. I wondered why we ever bothered trying to save the world. I wondered what the point was. And even though I know what the point is now, even though I know why evil is important to the story, sometimes...sometimes I just want to end it."
"I know you love them, mother," Rachel said. "Hold on to that."
Willow got up and walked away from her. She stood there, looking into the dark.
The battlefield was quiet. Willow wondered what that meant.
"For every Faith, who overcame the hardships the world threw at her, there's someone out there who didn't overcome them, and started hurting people," Willow said. "For every Faith, there's someone like Janet. Or someone like me."
When Willow arrived back at the battlefield, gliding through the black sky on the storm winds in a crackling halo of lightning, Thor was waiting for her.
"I gotta say, lover...this hammer? Rocking my world," Willow said, as she glided down to the cratered, blasted, corpse-strewn field, directly in front of him. She noticed Death watching her, from atop the hill near the fort, but she paid him no heed. She would destroy him soon; it would be easy. She noticed the First out of the corner of her eye, too...he was skulking around in the dark, wearing Angelus' skin, watching her just as closely as Death was. Willow realized now that she had put a shield up around the fort without being consciously aware of it. It was a good thing, too, she thought, because if she hadn't, the First would have gotten in and tried to kill everyone in there...including her...the one from this time...the one who was still foolish enough to have hope. And it wasn't time for that Willow to die yet, it would have wrecked everything. Willow knew that if the version of herself from the past died, she herself would instantly cease to exist too, and then she wouldn't be able to follow through with her plan. Willow intended to die, but she would take the whole world with her when she did, and all the gods too...and the First.
The First would be harder to destroy than the others...but now that Loki had rendered him solid, Willow thought she could do it. And she intended to. She wouldn't destroy the world and leave the First alive to gloat about it. But before she did all that, she needed to speak with Thor... Thor was special.
"I just feel..." Willow murmured, and closed her eyes, and smiled, and licked her lips. "Mmmmmm...all tingly. If I wasn't on a schedule here, with, y'know, the killing you all? I'd totally jump your bones right now, handsome. I've been bi-curious for a long time but hey, I still love a big hammer."
They faced each other, at the heart of the storm. Lightning flashed overhead, and the rain, icy cold, pelted them relentlessly. Thor towered over Willow; she looked like a child next to him. She smiled up at him, unafraid. He couldn't hurt her...nothing could, she was starting to realize. She didn't know how, but this power she had discovered made her impervious to harm.
Willow knew she was the most powerful being who had ever lived. She thought it was a shame that it would only last another eleven minutes.
She felt cold, as she stared up at Thor, pleased with herself, and he stared back down at her, his expression strangely placid. But Willow liked the cold, now...it was exhilarating. Every few seconds the lightning seared everything pure white and the thunder roared like bombs bursting through the sky, and the ground shook with Willow's rage, vomiting up lava from miles beneath the earth like a body in its death throes, coughing up blood. The rain was so cold it numbed Willow's skin, and the wind was so powerful she thought it might pick her up like a newborn baby and carry her away, and she loved this feeling and wished it could last forever, she wished she could take off all her clothes and soar naked and laughing into the sky and run riot there amidst the lightning and the thunder...
But this wasn't about her. It wasn't about feeling good. It was about Faith...and it was about fairness. If Faith couldn't be happy, Willow had decided no one ever would be again... including herself. She would have liked to soar through the sky, a terrible black Goddess, shining like a supernova star...instead, she stood there, and looked straight up into Thor's eyes, and smiled, and waited to die.
She had begun dispersing the energy fields that held the gods, and their realms, together... it would only take another few minutes until they were all dead. But she wouldn't kill Thor yet...not yet. She was saving him for last...because she loved him. When he died, she wanted to die at the exact same moment, because even one moment without him would be too much.
When the gods died they would take the Earth, and humanity, with them...Willow had just arranged it. It would be elegant, she thought.
"Where are Loki and Freyja?" Thor said.
"Dead," Willow said.
Thor nodded. He still seemed strangely calm. It was getting annoying now. Willow wanted a reaction out of him...she wanted him, before they all died, to acknowledge her power... and to feel the terrible tragedy of her. She wanted his heart to break for her, for them, for the love they had once...she wanted that, before they died.
"No reaction?" Willow said. "After I just killed your brother, your cousin? You're just gonna be all, stiff upper lip?"
"They died in battle," Thor said. "They died well. They are in Valhalla."
Willow nodded. She loved him too much to tell him Valhalla was about to cease to exist, too. She let him have his certainty, for awhile.
"I kicked the shit out of Loki before I killed him, because of what he did to Faith," Willow said. "But I didn't hurt Freyja. I'm a bitch but I'm not a bitch. Her death was painless. I just...unraveled her. Like that old Stones song."
Willow stood on her tiptoes, and rested her hands on Thor's chest, and smiled up at him, and sang...
"She comes in colors everywhere...she's like a raaaaaaiiiiiiiinbooooowww..."
"This is unseemly," he said. "It is beneath you. I know Faith is dead. I know you loved her...adored her. And I grieve with you, Willow. But she would not have wanted this. I only knew her for a short time, but I know she would not have wanted this."
Willow turned, and took a few steps away from him, and looked up at the sky...she saw a shooting star. She knew what it was...she had caused it.
"You're right," she said. "Faith wouldn't have wanted this. She was better than this... better than me. A hero. But she deserved to have a shot at happiness and she didn't get it so now everybody fucking dies. Don't blame me. Blame the bitch who made this piece of shit world."
"The world is what it is," Thor said. "We cannot control the battlefield, only what we do in the battle. I would call you back to yourself. I would plead with you, to remember who you are...and to remember that what you are doing now mocks the sacrifice Faith made here today... the sacrifice all your friends made. They fought, for life, not death. For hope, not despair."
"You never were as good as your brother with the speeches," Willow said, as she watched the shooting star...it would be there in seconds. "I'm not saying you're not smart, that's not what I mean. Right after I met you I figured out pretty quick that you are smart. You're just not cunning...you just don't know how to lie. And to be good with speeches, you have to have a little bit of dishonesty in you...you have to be a little bit of a manipulator. We lie with words. Our actions are what tell the truth. I spent my whole life talking about fighting the good fight. But in the end, here I am...the villain. Destroying the world. And, y'know, I'm comfortable with that. I'm like, totally owning my choice here. Because I get it now...I get what it's about, why the bad guys do what they do. It's all about love, Thor. Everything's about love. You have it or you don't...you manage to hold on to it, or you lose it. This world is set up like a game...or maybe a story. It's set up to pit people against each other. The bad guys aren't so bad. They just want something they can't have...or maybe something they lost, and can never get back."
Willow turned back to him.
"And the good guys aren't so good," she said, as the shooting star broke through the storm clouds...
"No," Thor whispered, as he saw it...and realized what it was...
"Yup," Willow said.
And a god fell to Earth, trailing flame like a comet...
His jeweled silver and steel battle armor glittering and flashing in the light of the fire, the god tumbled out of the sky like an ornament falling from a Christmas tree...
"Willow, what...what have you done?" Thor whispered.
And Odin, the Father of the Gods, plummeted to Earth, straight down toward the battlefield...
He came in at an angle and struck the top of the fort with a shrieking crash like cymbals being hammered, shearing the fort's west wall clean off like a knife through butter, the trail of flame that came on behind him actually melting the granite in his wake, and then he bounced off the fort like a ping pong ball, spinning wildly through the air, engulfed fully in flame now, as his body began shooting off sparks of rainbow light...
"I just killed your father," Willow said.
As Odin tumbled the rest of the way down, the flames engulfing him suddenly extinguished themselves, as the sparks of light grew brighter and brighter...became blinding...
Finally, a rainbow crashed to the Earth.
For a moment, as Willow and Thor watched, it filled up that black sky like a new sun rising...
Then it faded away, and the darkness returned.
Willow and Rachel were on their feet, looking up toward the roof.
"That explosion we heard...that was...Odin," Willow said. "She killed him. She's killing the gods."
"Yes," Rachel said.
"I can feel her...I can feel her rage," Willow said. "My Faith is dead, and it's shattered her...shattered me. The Willow out there doesn't know who she is, how she has this power, she can't see two feet in front of her now...she can't see anything but her own anguish."
"She's dispersing the ancient energies that gave the gods substance," Rachel said. "They'll all be dead, very soon."
Willow concentrated. "Who's out there? Thor...I can feel him..."
"Raziel's out there too, along with the last of the Horsemen."
"At least Raziel's safe," Willow said. "Nothing can affect him here. But I wonder... what's she going to do? I'm trying to remember...but...I can't. I can't remember what she does... what I do."
Willow thought about it. She stood very still, and concentrated...and tried to know...and still, she couldn't.
"What can she do that's so terrible I won't even let myself know it?" Willow whispered.
Thor knelt on the muddy ground, in tears, on the spot where his father died.
Willow watched him for a moment. But it became hard to watch him. She wanted to go to him, comfort him. She turned her back instead, and thought about Faith.
She saw Death, sitting atop his black steed, looking straight at her. He should have been destroyed by now. The same energies, born of human belief, that created the gods had created him, and all the gods but Thor were dead now. Willow's will had traveled through the dimensions like an unstoppable wave, overwhelming everything in its path...dispersing the ancient energies that created the gods, killing them all, except for Thor...Death should have been destroyed too.
Thor was crying. Willow had seen Thor cry before...he wasn't vain, he showed his emotions freely. She had seen him cry for lost comrades, for heroes who had gone on to Valhalla. But today was different...today he had lost his father.
Willow turned back to him. As she did, she saw another shooting star...a bright light, approaching quickly. She knew what it was. It was the end. The ending she had devised.
"It's not like he was real, y'know," Willow said, as she looked down at him, this god who could lift mountains, who could command the elements, who had saved her life so many times before...but he couldn't save her today.
"You guys were created from human belief," Willow said. "We created you. Y'know, like Santa Claus. We've created a lot of ridiculous stuff. Should I get all teary-eyed because the Easter Bunny's gone too?"
Thor didn't look back at her. He looked down at the ground, and wept.
"I'm not gonna apologize," Willow said. "All this despair, this fucking black hole of a world, I'm gonna end it. It needs to end. Asgard's on the way here." She pointed up toward the shooting star...toward the light, growing larger in the sky every second. "See that light? That's Asgard. It's falling from the sky. Asgard is twice the size of Texas."
Willow looked back at Thor. He didn't look up.
"I'm bringing it down fast," Willow said. "It's gonna hit the Pacific Ocean at more than sixty-thousand miles an hour and when it does it will knock this planet out of orbit like a big blue eight-ball. It'll create a tsunami bigger than anything in history but everyone will be dead before the tsunami even has a chance to reach them. Everyone will be dead in seconds. It'll be painless. And it's gonna happen in less than nine minutes. Got anything to say about that?"
Thor didn't look up at her.
"What, no plan?" Willow said. "Not gonna rally the troops? Not even gonna try to fight?"
Willow tried to smile. But she couldn't bring herself to do it.
She marched back toward him.
"What's wrong with you?!" she screamed. "The world's about to be destroyed! Look!"
"The worst villain you've ever faced is about to destroy the world!" Willow screamed, waving the hammer around. "You're Thor! Do something! FIGHT!"
Thor stood up. He looked up at the sky, at the light, growing larger every second.
"You are not a villain," Thor said.
"That's it?" Willow said. "You're just gonna stand here and die?"
"With you," Thor said. "I would not have you die alone...and in truth, I would welcome the company."
"Asgard," Willow said. "She's bringing it down to destroy the world. Okay...that's kind of...epic. It's like a Jerry Bruckheimer movie."
"It will penetrate the atmosphere in eight minutes and knock the Earth out of its orbit," Rachel said. "When it does, all life on this planet will be destroyed in seconds."
"Maybe...the next time we do all this...Raziel will figure it out," Willow said. "Maybe he'll finally understand. Maybe...he'll finally come back to me. He's out there now, with her... with me. He's been lost for so long...but he wants to find his way back to me. I know he does."
"He's learning," Rachel said. "But he's still being a selfish fool, mother. Still hurting people."
"But he learns a little more every time we do this. I haven't given up on him. No matter how far he wanders, no matter how lost he becomes, I'll always find him. If I gotta keep going in that closet and being tortured for him to finally be healed, to finally see, then that's what I'll do... over and over and over again, that's what I'll do. He'll overcome this sickness infecting him... he'll come back to me again someday."
"Are you sure? Are you sure he'll come back? He's made some strides but...we've done this...many times."
Willow shook her head.
"I'm his mother," Willow said. "He'll...he'll come back to me. I gotta believe that. If I don't believe that, I'll...I'll just...fall apart."
Willow had tears in her eyes now.
"Not easy being a mom, y'know?" Willow said, as her tears fell down her cheeks. "It's not...it's not easy."
Rachel hugged her. Willow buried her head against Rachel's chest, and cried.
"He puts you in that closet every time," Rachel said.
Willow nodded.
"Maybe you should give up on him," Rachel said. "Stop sending the world through this time loop, stop replaying these events."
Willow shook her head.
After a moment, Willow looked up at her.
"Have you?" Willow said. "Have you given up on your brother?"
"I want to say yes," Rachel said. "But..." She sighed. "No. But he makes it hard. He makes it so damned hard to keep loving him."
Rachel had tears in her eyes now, too.
"Love is hard," Willow said. "I meant it to be hard. It has to be hard, even for us."
"Love is hard," Willow said. "I've always loved you, Thor. But I love Faith more. And after what happened to her...it just...it wasn't fair. The world isn't fair. It should just end."
Thor watched her. But he didn't respond to her.
"Not gonna argue the point?" Willow said. "Not gonna try to talk me out of it?"
"If anyone has the right to decide, it is you," Thor said. "If you decree today must be my Ragnarok, so be it."
"I don't like this. I don't like you just...just giving up."
"Would you rather I fought you?"
"No."
Willow turned away from him, and hugged herself. The cold and the rain didn't feel exhilarating anymore. They just felt cold. She made the storm stop. Things became quiet. She saw Death again, watching her from atop his steed...
She left Thor, and flew up the hill to meet him, gliding on the wind she created to bear her. More than anything she had done today, this felt truly exhilarating: gliding through the air like a bird. For a few seconds, she abandoned herself to it, let herself feel it. The wind, bracing but gentle now, kissing her flesh as it gently lifted her up, the feeling of weightlessness, of being part of the world in a brand new way...there was so much more to the world than the two dimensions she was used to. The air was an undiscovered country. But there was no time left for new things now.
Willow stood in the sky now, borne up by the wind, and looked down at Death. The sky wasn't dark anymore. Asgard was coming down like a setting sun and it filled nearly half the sky now. If Death found the prospect disturbing, he was doing a good job hiding it, Willow thought.
"Why are you still here?" Willow said, as she hovered in the sky above Death's horse.
"Why do you think?" Death said.
"Oh, good, you're just like my shrink," Willow said. "Awesome. Well y'see doc, it's like this. Life just always got me down. And then there was this whole thing with all my friends dying, that was a drag..."
Death watched her, his bright, shining eyes penetrating straight into her dull, bottomless black ones.
"Maybe I'm not dead yet because there's more killing to be done," Death said.
Willow noticed the First again, out of the corner of her eye...skulking in the dark by the fort, testing the energy shield...wearing Angelus' skin like a thousand-dollar suit.
"Y'know, I think there is," Willow said. "Hey. HEY! Yoo-hoo, Mister Evil Pants?"
Raziel looked back at her. He knew he only had minutes now. He didn't think it was possible to stop this Willow directly, but if he could get to the one in the fort, and kill her, this Willow would cease to exist...right now, that was humanity's only hope.
The terrible light in the sky was so close now that details of the land mass could be made out. Asgard had been a paradise once, a land of crystal palaces, of great lush forests and golden fields, and thousands of rushing rivers, and mountains that soared into the sky, and at the center of it all, Yggdrasil, the World Tree, the Pillar of Creation...but now the tree was withered and dead. It could be seen even at this distance, for it was so giant that it was nearly infinite, but now it was a bare gray husk bisecting Asgard like a huntsman's spear, its roots hanging limp out Asgard's underside, falling away to ashes, as Asgard burned, and all the crystal palaces fell...
"Y'know what's funny?" Raziel said, and chuckled as Willow approached, gliding through the air toward him. He chuckled just like Angelus used to chuckle, Willow thought. "I'm humanity's last hope. Me. Actually it's not funny. It's ridiculous. Frigging tragic is what it is."
"That is kinda funny," Willow said, as she alighted in front of him. "Let me guess. You wanna try to kill the adorable lil' seventeen-year old me in there before your time's up, right?"
"Yeah. Thought I could just teleport right through any energy shield. But not this one. Annoying. You're pretty tough, managing a shield like this. I'm assuming it was you?"
"It was. And since we've got exactly six minutes and one second before Asgard gets here let's make the rest of this conversation meaningful. You wanna know what I think is funny? I keep remembering stuff, stuff I totally forgot about for years. Big stuff, stuff I can't believe I forgot. Like right now I seem to recall you locking me in a closet, eleven years ago... locking me in there and bringing in people to beat me and choke me and piss on me. I don't know how I forgot it for so long but now that I'm remembering, I just gotta say, I really didn't like that. And now here we are, and I have Thor's hammer, the most powerful weapon in like, the entire history of everything...and Loki, bless his sneaky, underhanded heart, made it so you're all touchable now. You see where I'm going with this?"
"Don't get too excited, strawberry girl. That hammer's a neat toy, and yeah, it stung a little when Viking guy back there hit me with it, but I'm pretty tough. But hey, here's a wacky idea. How about instead of destroying the world, you let some people live. Yeah, sure, life sucks. Because human beings live at odds with their natural instincts. Instead of exterminating them for that, let's show them a better way. Let's start over. We'll start small, a hundred-thousand people. You can run it, I know you love organizing stuff. You can make all kinds of color-coded charts and diagrams and stuff. You love making charts and diagrams. We can make the world better."
"Except none of my friends would be there, because they're all dead," Willow said. "Because you killed them. So now you're dead too, motherfucker. And by the way, if you didn't want me to kill you right now, then, y'know, dressing up as Angelus? Not your smartest move."
Willow saw Thor, soaring through the air toward her. She knew him; she could tell he wasn't here to fight.
"Know what else I just remembered, Mister Evil Pants?" Willow said. "I remember back when I was seventeen years old, the first time you kidnapped me, I swore that if there was a way to kill you I'd see you dead."
Thor descended to the ground, and stood beside Willow, and watched the First.
"You here for a front row seat?" Willow said.
"That creature, whatever it is, is dangerous," Thor said. "I am here to protect you, if it attacks."
Willow almost stopped, when Thor said that. That one act of kindness, born not only out of his love for her, but out of his generosity of spirit, the simple decency that was at the core of him, broke her heart then, and it nearly made her stop. Willow almost sent Asgard back into the sky. She almost brought the gods back...the energy was still there, energy couldn't be destroyed. It had just been dispersed. Willow could collect it, knit it back together...she could restore Asgard, Olympus...Odin, Loki, Athena, Apollo...they could all live again...
But Faith would still be dead. So Willow didn't stop. She let Asgard keep falling...in less than five minutes it would crash through the atmosphere and kill the world.
Willow kissed Thor's cheek. "Thank you," she whispered. She couldn't think of anything else to say. She had killed his father, and he wanted to protect her.
She didn't deserve him. She had always known that.
"You can't kill me, Willow," Raziel said. "It's not possible. I'm an angel."
"A what?" Willow said.
"The first thing ever created, remember?" Raziel said. "Wasn't making that up. I'm an angel. I'm the Goddess' firstborn son."
Thor's face went pale.
"Willow," Thor said, and put his hand on her arm...the one holding the hammer. "Do not attack him. Let him live. If we are all to die today, let your last act be one of mercy."
"Mercy, to this asshole?" Willow said. "After everything he's done to us, to the people I care about, to me? He's lying anyway, all he does is fucking lie."
"No lie, sweet cheeks," Raziel said. "Hammer away if you want, but pretty soon I'm gonna be the only thing left alive here. Before you take your shot though, think about this. I'm not humanity's biggest fan. But don't you think it's...wasteful, killing them all? The Goddess created them. There must be some good in them somewhere. And I know She loves them. I've been taking the forms of your friends. I get their memories, their feelings, when I take their forms. And I've learned some things."
"Awwwwww, you learned a life lesson?" Willow said, and giggled. "That's so cute! C'mon, share with the class."
"I learned that every single human being is unique," Raziel said. "Once a person is gone, something special is gone from the universe. And it's not coming back."
"Like my Faith," Willow said. "Special, beautiful. Dead. Not coming back."
"The Goddess wouldn't want you to do this, Willow," Raziel said. "I know She's angry with humanity, She's been angry for a long time. She's been angry with me for a long time too. But even though it seems like She's abandoned us, She's my mother...I know She wouldn't abandon us, not forever. I know She still loves me, even though I've been a lousy son. I know She still loves me. And I know She still loves humanity too."
"Then where is She?" Willow said. "Why isn't She here saving them? Three minutes twenty-three seconds by the way."
Raziel didn't have an answer for that.
Willow looked up at the sky. She raised the hammer, and the storm came again.
"HOW ABOUT IT, BITCH?" Willow screamed, as the thunder boomed, and the rain came down, and her face twisted, and became ugly. "I'M ABOUT TO WRECK ALL YOUR FUCKING TOYS! YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT? DO YOU EVEN CARE? THEN COME DOWN AND FACE ME! FUCKING FACE ME!"
"Going once, going twice...?" Willow said. "Gone."
"Just because She isn't here, that doesn't mean She doesn't give a shit, Willow," Raziel said. "She works through us. It's like that old proverb. Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime. The Goddess wants us to solve our own problems. But She gives us the tools we need to do it. You can stop this."
"Or hey, here's a plan, I can kill you," Willow said. "Which sounds like a lot more fun."
"Willow!" Thor shouted. "Do not!"
"Sometimes...I wonder if it wouldn't just be easier to end it all," Willow said. "To destroy everything but my angels, and start again. Raziel would come back to me then, if I destroyed it all...if he knew he wouldn't have to share me with anyone but his brothers and sisters. If I showed my love for him by letting this world end, he would come back to me. Maybe I should just let it all end today."
"You think about this every time," Rachel said. "Every time you and I have sat in this room together, you've wondered if you shouldn't just let it all end. You'd get Raziel back. We'd all be a happy family again. You wouldn't have to try to understand human beings anymore... they couldn't hurt you anymore. But we've sat in this room together two-hundred and twelve times now, mother... and every time we've been here, you decided to save the world...because Raziel and I aren't the only ones you love."
"Faith's dead out there," Willow said. "Tara's dead upstairs. Becca, Buffy, Xander, Angel...all dead. Everyone I love is dead."
"Not everyone, mother," Rachel said, and squeezed her hand.
Willow nodded. "I have you. And even though we're apart, I have Raziel."
Willow smiled.
"Do you remember, when you two were young, how you'd go exploring together?" Willow said. "And then you'd always end up fighting about--"
Something happened. Willow felt it, like a knife of cold, burrowing into her heart...
Something was wrong...terribly wrong...
Willow stood up.
"Raziel," she whispered. "He...somehow he has form here now...things can touch him..."
Willow raised the hammer. Lightning flashed, and thunder marched through the sky, and the rain came on like a flood sent to drown the world...
"Willow, no!" Thor shouted, and grabbed her arm now, and held it still. "Do not, I beg thee! DO NOT!"
"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" Willow screamed. "It all ends in two minutes! This guy right here? The most evil thing in the universe! If you think I'm gonna let him survive after Faith died, after you die, you're fucking crazy! LET GO OF ME!"
"Willow! There are things I know, that you do not!"
"What things? What are you talking about?"
"I think...if you were meant to know...you already would know," Thor said. "I think I am not supposed to tell you...you are not meant to find out from me."
He took her in his arms.
"But you have always trusted me," he said. "Trust me again now. There are things you do not know, and though it pains me, I cannot tell you. Just trust me when I say, that if you knew what I knew, you would not want to do this."
"What are you, Loki now, with the bullshit talk? Let go of me! Let go!"
She pushed him away. She noticed Death, still watching her...
"See him?" she said. "Mister skeleton guy over there? He's still here because he knows there's more killing that has to be done. You know what killing is, right Thor? You've killed thousands of people! Maybe millions! Because you're a god! That's what gods do, right? Like that line in the Bible! Vengeance is mine, I will repay, saith the Lord! Yeah, it's all noble and necessary when you do it, even when you do it for revenge. But when I do it, suddenly it's wrong and I'm this fucking lowlife you're ashamed of. Whatever. I'm not a fucking kid anymore. I'm not your fucking porcelain doll, I'm not fucking Saint Willow! I'm doing this! That motherfucker over there killed the people I love and now he's gonna FUCKING DIE!"
Willow raised the hammer again. Thor tried to grab her arm again. This time, a wall of energy thundered into life just in front of him and spat black, hissing sparks at him, blistering his flesh. Thor winced, as the black energy burned him like acid.
"Willow! Do not, DO NOT!" Thor screamed. "HE IS YOUR--"
"SHUT UP!"
She looked back at the First. The First wasn't trying to defend itself. It stood there, in Angelus' skin, perfectly at ease...mocking her.
"You can't kill me," Raziel said. "That hammer can't kill me."
Willow started swinging the hammer around above her head, letting it pick up momentum. In the sky directly above her, the lightning flashed so bright it was blinding, and the thunder exploded in her ears, and the rain came down in icy sheets again, numbing her skin.
"It's not the size of the bat, Angelus," Willow said. "It's how you swing it."
Willow hurled the hammer of Thor...the most powerful weapon in existence...
It streaked through the air with all her hate behind it, faster than a lightning bolt, so fast it was invisible to the naked eye...
It struck Raziel in the chest, like a spear through his heart.
"Raziel," Willow whispered, again...as she felt the revelation like a spear through her heart. "She...oh, no. NooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Willow wrenched herself away from Rachel, and ran for the door in a blind panic. As she approached the door, it disappeared, turning to vapor in front of her, but she didn't even notice. She didn't notice the two guards outside the door who tried to grab her and bounced off an energy shield that flared around her like starlight, she didn't notice the soldiers shouting to her, running after her...
She was the Goddess. She could have simply appeared on the battlefield in an instant, but she wasn't thinking now, she was acting on instinct, like a panicked animal...and all her instincts told the Goddess that she was a human girl named Willow Rosenberg...so she ran.
She just ran...
Raziel suddenly felt strange...
He could no longer maintain the form he was wearing, as he fell to his knees, and everything suddenly became dark. The last thing he saw was Willow, with tears falling from her black eyes...and in that moment, he finally knew her.
"Mother?" Raziel whispered, as he felt all the warmth leaving him, and a strange cold filling him up...and he saw those black eyes turn to a beautiful green, like spring after winter. But they were filled with tears.
"Don't cry," he whispered...as the form he was wearing melted away, and he fell to the ground, and died...an angel.
The hammer flew back to Willow's hand. When she had taken it from Thor, she had somehow claimed its magic for herself, too...it only flew to her now. It was hers now.
She looked down at it. It was an old, terrible gray stone, and Willow could see the magical energies pulsing around it...the energies which gave the hammer its power. It had killed thousands... hundreds of thousands...maybe millions. It snuffed lives out like candles in a storm. When Willow held that hammer, she held death in her hand.
Willow threw it away. It sank into the mud.
She looked down at the being she had just killed. He was an angel.
He was indescribably beautiful, like a man made of light. But there was something else about him...there was a beauty in him that Willow thought was familiar, somehow...as if she had seen it before, many times. Like the sun rising in the morning.
Willow moved closer to him. She looked into his dead eyes...traced his beautiful, perfect features...
And then Willow knew him...
And then she knew herself.
And then she froze. Her knees buckled.
She collapsed in the mud. She didn't notice. She still hadn't taken her eyes off him...she knelt there in the mud, looking at him.
She took his hand, and kissed it. He was dead. He was beautiful, and he was hers, but now he was dead...she had killed him. She had killed her own son.
She held his hand against her cheek, and wept, as she knelt there in the mud, on a battlefield at the end of the world.
She wasn't sure how much time passed. Eventually, a shadow fell over her. She felt it, without seeing it. She felt the Horseman looking down at her, without seeing him.
"Kill me," Willow whispered, as she looked up at the Horseman with tears running down her cheeks. "Please. Please kill me. I can't...I can't live anymore. My baby's dead and I killed him and I can't live anymore."
"I can't kill you," Death said. "You're the Creator. You can never die."
Willow looked back at the angel...at her son...he was full of light. But his light was fading now. Soon it would be gone, and night would come, forever.
"I'm sorry, baby," Willow whispered, and fell down on top of Raziel's chest, and cried. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."
Willow heard a scream then, and she knew it was her...but it didn't come from her. It came from the fort...
And she saw Asgard, filling the sky with fire. It was seconds away from entering the planet's gravitational field and knocking it out of orbit...
Willow didn't care. She turned back to Raziel. His light was fading. She knew it would be gone forever soon. And part of her would be gone too.
Willow watched her son's dead body, as it was pelted by the rain, as it became cold, and its light faded...she watched as her son drifted away from her.
"Sandcastles," Willow whispered.
Willow felt the other Willow, kneeling beside her now. She heard her, screaming and screaming and screaming...
She looked at her. She looked young. Willow was amazed, that she had ever looked so young.
The other Willow was crying hysterically now, and she was trembling from head to toe.
The light all around them became blinding, as Asgard streaked ever closer, ready to doom the world. Willow knew in exactly thirteen seconds it would hit Earth's gravitational field and then it would be too late...in thirteen seconds. She didn't care.
She was aware of things, peripherally. Death, standing above her. The soldiers, flooding out of the fort now, running toward them, pointing up at the sky...screaming. The other Willow, crying beside her...
Willow looked up at Death.
"I know how I can die," Willow said.
She took the other Willow in her arms, and hugged her.
"My baby's gone," the other Willow whispered, as the soldiers screamed, and the sky filled with fire, and Raziel laid there in the rain, becoming cold. "My baby's gone..."
Willow wiped the other Willow's tears away, and caressed her hair, and looked her in the eyes.
Willow thought it was ironic, that she was going to save the world after all...but only so that she could die.
"Willow," Willow said. "Don't let yourself become me."
When Willow opened her eyes, she was looking up into a beautiful golden light. Someone was stroking her hair.
"Rise and shine, fairy godmother," a voice said...
Willow sat up. For one strange, disconcerting moment, she had no idea where she was, or who was speaking...or where that golden light was coming from...
She looked around. She was sitting on a couch, in a dark room, and there was a television playing. The couch was nice, a big, comfy antique mahogany Victorian with a curvy, art nouveau frame that reminded Willow of ocean waves, and maroon velvet fabric in a floral pattern. The room was nice, too. It was a spacious room with big bay windows, hardwood floors, antique Persian rugs, a grand piano in the corner, and real paintings on the walls, not prints. It smelled like the ocean.
There was a huge television playing cartoons: Beavis and Butthead. The boys had just visited a fortune-teller named Madame Blavatsky, a woman with a crystal ball and a gypsy outfit and a fake cheesy gypsy accent that sounded like she picked it up from a Dracula movie, and Beavis had become convinced that he could see the future because he could see the news broadcast on the television screen behind him reflected in the crystal ball.
I didn't know you were a psychic! Butthead said.
Don't you remember all those tests the school nurses made me take? Beavis said.
No, Beavis! They said you were a psycho.
Oh yeah.
Hey Beavis,
"You okay, honey?" Faith said. "You look a little bamboozled."
Faith was wearing a necklace...a golden necklace, with a golden crystal pendant. The light was coming from the crystal. Willow knew that crystal pulsed with light sometimes, like a beating heart. Faith always wore it. Willow had never seen her without it. The crystal was plainly magical, and when Willow had asked Faith where she'd gotten it, Faith had told her someone special gave it to her when she was a little girl.
"Faith?" Willow whispered. "Um...we were...watchin' cartoons?"
"The Beavis and Butthead marathon," Faith said. "Remember? You kinda zoned out during the one where they go to the poetry slam and Beavis drinks a crapload of coffee and goes nuts. Too bad, 'cuz that was a good one."
Willow felt like she was coming out of a dream...but she was remembering things now. She was in Rebecca's mansion in Sunnydale. Rebecca had bought it soon after she and Faith arrived, and she decided they would be staying permanently. It was on the rich side of town and it had a private beach. Willow had been staying there, ever since the fight at the Bronze on Faith's birthday...she and Faith had gone to the Bronze together, it was the first time Willow had gone there since they lost Xander...
Faith and Buffy had fought the night they all first met, back in September; it almost came to blows. Faith had saved Willow's life that night, when vampires tried to kill Willow near the Magic Box. Willow and Faith and Rebecca went looking for Buffy together after that, and Willow had started crying in the car, because of what the vampires had nearly done to her...and then Faith hugged her in the backseat, and made her feel safe.
When they finally found Buffy, she was sitting in a cemetery with two vampires who had apparently been professors before they were turned, and they were helping her study for a history test. Faith killed them both, despite Buffy's protests, and Rebecca had looked at Buffy like she was out of her mind. Faith and Buffy argued after that, and Buffy thought Willow was taking Faith's side, and that made it worse. But Buffy had been acting nearly irrational; it was as if she decided she didn't like Faith the moment she saw her, and Willow had no idea why. Willow had never seen Buffy act that way before. The argument spilled over until Willow was involved too, screaming at Buffy at the top of her lungs in a cemetery at eleven o'clock at night that she knew Angel was alive and that Buffy had been keeping it a secret from her all along...and then Willow let it slip that Angel was Angelus...and Rebecca knew all about Angelus...
"Already got a fucking Watcher," Buffy said. "And he and I deal with tough vamps all the time. This isn't Boston, this is Sunnydale. The Hellmouth. The big leagues. Out here we don't let people get killed on our watch. But hey, don't worry, we'll clean up your mess." As she turned her back on them and walked away, Rebecca had to restrain Faith to keep her from going after Buffy right there.
Willow didn't go with Buffy. She accepted a ride from Rebecca and Faith, and spent the rest of the night, against her better judgment, convincing them not to immediately attempt to kill Angel. After a very long meeting with Giles which seemed to Willow more like an interrogation than a conversation--with Rebecca doing the interrogating--Rebecca grudgingly agreed to hold off on going after Angel...for the moment.
And then Kakistos killed Xander the next night, and, just like that, everything changed... Willow's whole life changed...
Buffy had gone looking for Kakistos, and Xander had tagged along, because patrolling was fun...but Kakistos found them first. Willow managed to track Buffy with a locator spell, and Rebecca and Faith came with her, and together they all managed to destroy Kakistos and his followers. But Xander was dead...and everything had changed.
Buffy seemed to withdraw into herself after that...she just seemed to stop caring. Willow had hardly seen Buffy since then. At Xander's funeral, Buffy didn't say a word. After that Buffy started missing classes, she didn't make time for Giles, she ignored Joyce, she barely said two words to Willow...
But Faith always made sure Willow wasn't alone, she always made time for her...she knew Willow didn't have anyone else. Willow had practically been living at Rebecca's mansion since Xander died. October had been warm, and they had cookouts on the veranda and they went swimming on the private beach together...but Buffy was never around. On November thirteenth, the day before Faith's birthday, when Rebecca and Giles had informed them all about the Key, they had gone to King's Park cemetery to intercept it together: Buffy, Faith, Rebecca, Willow, and Giles. It was the first time Willow had seen Buffy in awhile, and she tried to talk to her, but Buffy hardly said a word. Faith tried to apologize to Buffy, saying maybe they all needed to just start fresh, that they were stronger working together rather than apart, but Buffy ignored her. When they had managed to take the Key, just barely escaping with their skins intact from hundreds of wolf-like vampires who were part of a group called the Vigil of Saint Vigeous according to Rebecca, Buffy had gone home with Giles without even saying goodbye. Willow had gone out for pizza with Faith and Rebecca.
The next day had been Faith's birthday, and that night, Willow and Faith had danced together at the Bronze, and for the first time since she lost Xander, Willow actually felt good... like she was part of the world again, like she could breathe again...and then twenty vampires from the Vigil of Saint Vigeous had arrived looking for her. Faith fought them off, but she had been hurt. Badly.
Buffy wasn't there. Faith had invited her because she knew Willow missed her, but Buffy had said no. So Faith and Willow had to try to fight those twenty vampires alone...and if Angel hadn't arrived at the Bronze when he did, Faith would have been killed, and Willow would have been captured...
Faith was scared of hospitals, so Willow and Angel took Faith back to Rebecca's mansion in his car after the attack at the Bronze, and Rebecca worked healing magic on her, and Willow used her power to go into Faith's mind and find out how badly she was hurt, so Rebecca could direct her healing magic more precisely...but something went wrong with the spell...
Willow received Faith's memories...all of them...as if she had lived her life.
She hadn't told anyone yet.
But now Willow knew who gave Faith that necklace she always wore...
Willow hadn't spoken to Buffy since the attack at the Bronze. Buffy had called the mansion, after she heard what had happened. Willow hung up on her.
"What time is it?" Willow said.
"Almost nine," Faith said.
"And I...fell asleep?"
"Becca says you two were up all night last night. How's the healing magic coming?"
"What?"
Faith smiled. "Earth to Will. Come in, Will. Remember last night? You wanted Becca to start teaching you healing magic?"
It was all coming back to Willow now...but there was something else...she'd had a strange dream, but she couldn't remember it. For some reason, Willow thought it was important that she remember the dream...
"Where's Tara?" Willow suddenly said, and had no idea why she said it.
"Where's who?" Faith said.
"Wait," Willow said. "Um...what did I just say?"
Faith touched Willow's cheek. She searched her eyes.
"You were asking about someone named Tara," Faith said. "You sure you're okay, girlfriend?"
"Yeah, just...had a weird dream. Um...and I guess there must have been someone named Tara in it, because I have no idea who that is either."
"Weird dream, huh? I'm thinkin' this town is the only place in the world where real life is weirder than dreams. I've been here two months and already I've had run-ins with Kakistos, Angelus, vamps who look like wolves, about a hundred zombies, a buncha drunk demons gettin' loaded in a bar, and a glove that shoots lightning. Oh yeah, plus Angelus, baddest vamp in the world, is a good guy now and he even saved my life. And he's hot too."
"It gets weirder. Just wait 'til you run into your first giant snake. And let's not even talk about leprechauns. Um...what day is it? Just humor me."
"Monday. You ask me what year it is and I'm gonna start to worry."
Willow thought about it. Faith's birthday had been Saturday...
"Monday...November sixteenth," Willow said.
"You know the year, right?" Faith said.
Willow giggled. "Of course I know the year. I'm always a little goofy when I wake up, but I'm not that goofy. It's 1941. Wait, no. 1860? 1776! Is this Philadelphia? We gotta sign the Declaration of Independence, right?"
Faith smiled, and grabbed Willow's arms, and pinned her down on the couch.
"You desperately need coffee, one of those big super mocha cappuccinos with sugar and cocoa sprinkles you like," Faith said. "Remember how we decided that you're Butthead and I'm Beavis? Thinkin' maybe you're Beavis, the way you're a total caffeine junkie."
"You're Beavis," Willow said, and struggled, to no avail, against Faith's grip. "You're totally Beavis."
"You're Beavis," Faith said, and held Willow pinned with one hand, and started tickling her stomach with the other.
"You're Beavis!" Willow screamed, as she flailed around, laughing hysterically. "You're totally utterly Beavis!"
"Okay, I give, I give!" Willow said. Faith put her mouth against her ear.
"Say 'Beeeeeeeeeaaaaaavis'..." Faith sang in her ear.
"Beavis," Willow said.
"Say, 'I'm totally Beavis.'"
Faith was lying on top of Willow now, grinning down at her with a raised eyebrow. Willow was red-faced, and out of breath. Faith wasn't out of breath. Willow knew Faith never got out of breath. Her grip was gentle but firm around Willow's wrists. It didn't hurt, but Willow knew that if Faith wanted to hold her there, she wouldn't be getting up anytime soon...
Faith was very close to her now. Willow could feel her breath, warm against her cheek. She could smell her hair. Rebecca liked expensive things. The expensive shampoo she kept in the house smelled like coconut. Willow loved coconut.
Faith's necklace hung down between them. Willow could feel it pulsing, like a beating heart...she could feel its warmth against her chest...
For a second, Willow was tempted to kiss Faith. She had never felt this way about a girl before...she had no idea why she was feeling this way now...
She wondered if it was Faith's memories that caused it. Faith and Buffy hadn't ever gotten along, they had fought every time Willow had seen them together, but Willow knew there was one night they hadn't fought...
Willow put the thought out of her mind. She refused to even consider the idea that she was jealous.
"Why are we fighting about which one of us is Beavis?" Willow said. "They're both dumbasses. Not like it makes a difference."
"Because we like fighting," Faith said. "Plus maybe we're both a little goofy."
"You always win when we fight. Splash fights, tickle fights, pillow fights...you're a Slayer, you always win. Totally not fair."
"Say, 'I'm totally Beavis.'"
"You're totally Beavis."
Faith started tickling her again. Willow screeched with laughter, tried to be resolute, then gave up again.
"I'm Beavis, I'm Beavis!" Willow shouted.
"I can be Beavis if you want," Faith said, and smiled, and let go of Willow's hands, and got up off of her.
"You just love kickin' my butt," Willow said.
"Yup," Faith said.
"Wait, what year is this again? And who are you? Are you my daughter Tabitha? My crazy cousin Serena? My goofy Aunt Clara?"
"I'm your cross-dressing uncle Arthur."
"Okay...gross. And Arthur never cross-dressed on the show. Wait...did he?"
"Bet he did in real life."
"Got a point."
Willow looked at Faith again. Faith's left arm, her right leg and her stomach were all bandaged, and she had a deep bite wound on her neck. Willow caressed her hand. "How you feelin', sweetie? Is the pain okay? Can I get you anything?"
"I'm good," Faith said. "I'm off the morphine today. Bandages are mostly just for show now. Becca says I'm not a hundred percent, but maybe like eighty-five percent. She says I heal up pretty quick, even for a Slayer. Figure she's right, considering Kakistos kicked me off a damn skyscraper back in Boston and I still survived the fall."
Willow kissed Faith's forehead. "I still can't believe that. Sweetie, you gotta promise to stop scaring me. You fall off buildings, you fight twenty vampires to save me...you've saved my life how many times already? Three? At least? And I haven't even known you two months."
"You saved me too, lightning girl. You fried Kakistos and his guys up good. Plus there was that energy shield Friday night. You didn't do that shield, we'd have all been toast."
"But then I fainted, so, zero style points. And now you're all trying to heal up and I've been totally using you as my pillow. Sorry."
"I like being your pillow. With everything going on, these new wolf vamps plus all this Key stuff now, we're all pretty beat. I can be your pillow anytime, fairy godmother."
"The Key," Willow said.
She stood up.
"The Key," Willow said, again...
And then she remembered part of the dream...
But she knew it wasn't a dream.
Faith jumped off the couch. Willow's scent had changed...for some reason, Willow was afraid, suddenly.
"Oh, Goddess," Willow whispered.
Faith took Willow's hand.
"Will, what is it?" Faith said. "What's wrong?"
"The world's gonna end tomorrow," Willow whispered.
The bar wasn't very busy on a Monday night, but that suited Buffy fine. She didn't want to be around people. She just wanted to drink.
So she sat on the perfectly comfortable little couch she had discovered in a dark, cozy little corner of the balcony, as far away from the thumping dance music as she could get while still being physically in the bar, watching the people on the dance floor below her, and she tried not to think about things. The apple martinis helped.
Buffy finished her apple martini, walked downstairs to the bar, ordered another one, brought it back up to the balcony with her, sat back down on the perfectly comfortable little couch, drank half of it in two gulps, leaned back, and tried to relax. It wasn't easy, relaxing in a dance club, but Buffy managed it. The trick was not to think about things. Things like dead friends, or the reasons they were dead...
Now that she wasn't thinking about things, she kept thinking about other things. There were only so many things you could make yourself not think about. She had built a wall around her mind, and it kept Xander and Willow and Giles and her mother out.
But sometimes Faith tunneled under...
Buffy looked down at the dance floor, and remembered the way Faith looked when she danced...how beautiful she looked that sultry October night, when the moon was full, and then Buffy suddenly came upon her, dancing at the Bronze...
When Faith danced, she looked like the moon putting all the stars to flight, until it was alone, the night's crown jewel, dazzling and infinite and forever...
Buffy had just watched her, for awhile.
They were both Slayers: they experienced the world through their noses. Buffy knew Faith was aware of her...she knew Faith could smell her there...
But Faith just smiled, and closed her eyes, and danced for her...
Oh, good, Buffy had said, when she walked on to the dance floor. She hadn't had her fill yet of watching Faith moving to music, but she wanted to be closer to her. Now you're taking over my club, too.
Look what the cat dragged in,
What the fuck are you doing here?
Dancing,
They danced.
You fight as well as you dance? Buffy had said.
Sure do, Faith had said. You lookin' to find out?
Maybe I am.
Nah, that's not what you wanna know.
Hey, cool, you're psychic too. You're like, the best Slayer ever. I should just retire. Okay, what do I wanna know?
How this tastes, Faith whispered, and kissed her...and everything in the room seemed to stop. The music, the people, all the smells and the sounds seemed to recede, until Faith was the only thing there...her smells...her sounds...
Her taste...
Buffy let herself go limp in Faith's arms, and she tasted her, as Faith took her time...
When the kiss was over, everything came back. The music, all the other people, the world...its expectations, and its demands...when it was just her and Faith, Buffy thought she could let herself go...lose herself. But when everyone else was there...watching them together...
Buffy became afraid.
I gotta...I got...homework, Buffy whispered, as she blushed like a fire engine.
Buffy, Faith said, and took her hand. You wanna maybe...go out? Like...get coffee or...somethin' to eat maybe?
I...I gotta get home," Buffy said...
And then she ran away, and left Faith alone on the dance floor.
They hadn't been together since that night. Buffy had avoided Faith, and tried to forget the night ever happened...tried to forget how Faith looked when she danced...
She tried to forget how good she smelled...like peaches, with just a hint of muskiness underneath...
But Buffy thought about that night sometimes...she thought about what might have happened, if she hadn't become afraid...
She put it out of her mind. She drank her apple martini, and went back to watching the dance floor. But no one at the New Moon Bar that night danced like Faith...
Now that the Bronze was closed for repairs, the New Moon Bar was the only game in town--at least, if you wanted a bar without demons. Sunnydale had bars with demons, but Buffy wanted a bar without demons. She wanted a bar without demons, vampires, werewolves, zombies, giant snakes, leprechauns, or, in fact, Slayers. Or Watchers. Buffy thought the best thing would have been a bar without any people at all. She wanted to drink, and she wanted to do it without anyone she knew asking her if she was okay and telling her it wasn't her fault and that being the Slayer was a tough gig and she was doing her best, really she was, but she was only human and no one was blaming her for getting her friend killed, really, they weren't...
Buffy liked this place better than the Bronze. For one thing, she didn't know anybody here, and right now, she didn't want to know anybody.
Buffy just wanted to drink, and since her mother was home and she couldn't drink there, and the Bronze had been wrecked and wouldn't be reopening for awhile, the New Moon Bar was the only game in town, so she went there with the utterly perfect fake ID Willow had made for her, and she drank. She drank apple martinis. Two so far, but she was just getting started.
Calling the New Moon Bar the only game in town wasn't precisely true--it was actually just outside of town, and it was properly part of Montecito, not Sunnydale. But as Buffy leaned back on the perfectly comfy little couch in the dark, cozy corner of the balcony, watching the miniscule Monday night crowd moving around on the giant dance floor below her like little boats adrift at night on an endless moonlit ocean, she was okay with that. The New Moon Bar was a lot nicer than the Bronze. It was bigger, cleaner, more comfortable and just generally spiffier, with a crowd that was thankfully light on idiot high school boys and a bar that served a million different kinds of drinks. The drinks menu at the New Moon Bar was practically an encyclopedia and a lot of the drinks had cute, weird or perverted names. Buffy could have ordered a Blowjob, a Cum Shot, a Piece of Ass, Liquid Cocaine, a Slippery Slide Through A Muddy Chicken Coop, a Fuzzy Navel, a Sex With the Bartender, an Absolut Royal Fuck, or a Bar Slut. Buffy had noticed a few girls ordering Sex With the Bartenders on a dare. Buffy considered ordering a Bar Slut, but she settled on apple martinis.
The New Moon Bar also had a better sound system than the Bronze, and a bigger dance floor, and flashier lights with cooler colors, and a ladies room with working doors on every stall. There was a sort of slick, black, shiny art deco feel to the decor, which Buffy preferred to the Bronze's haphazard warehouse feel. The Bronze's warehouse feel might have been a daring design choice if it had actually been a design choice, but the Bronze really was a converted warehouse, so Buffy didn't give it points for creativity. And besides, the Bronze had roaches. Buffy hadn't noticed a single roach at the New Moon Bar yet, and she found that refreshing. The Bronze actually closed for a few days every year to fumigate, and when you turned in a roach, you got a free drink.
Buffy remembered how she and Willow and Xander went on roach hunts at the Bronze sometimes, and made a game out of it. Somehow, the three of them had managed to have fun together looking for roaches.
She remembered how they all used to dance...Willow didn't really know how to dance, now that Buffy thought about it. Willow looked cute doing it, but what she did couldn't really be properly called dancing. She looked more like a flightless bird flapping its wings trying to achieve liftoff and failing over and over again. And Xander definitely never knew how to dance, but unlike Willow, he never bothered trying to fake it. He just sort of shuffled around amiably...
Buffy had always meant to teach Xander how to dance. She just hadn't ever gotten around to it.
"Too late now," Buffy said, as she watched the dance floor, and didn't see it...
Instead, she saw three children laughing and dancing together at the Bronze, blissfully unaware of what was coming...unaware that happiness was a fleeting thing, just a matter of random luck, and that misfortune always caught up to you eventually...unaware that their time was running out...
And now their time was gone.
She raised her glass.
"To the Scooby Gang," Buffy whispered, and finished her drink.
They sat in the living room together drinking coffee, and Willow told them the story.
She couldn't remember it all...she felt like she had forgotten parts of it. But Willow told Rebecca and Faith almost every single thing she could remember about how their lives went in the world that was gone...almost.
She left some things out. She didn't mention how Buffy and Faith had been a couple. She wasn't sure why...she just didn't want to mention that part. She left other parts out too, for other reasons.
Faith had tried calling Buffy's house, but she wasn't home. Buffy was never around anymore...
"Well...that's certainly quite a story," Rebecca said with a smile, after Willow had finished. "Let me make sure I've gotten all the salient points. The Key we have is a fake, a brick with a glamour on it, and Spike, who is in town now, has the real one. He's going to sell it to those priests tomorrow afternoon, and the world is going to end. In fact the world did end, and a great many people died, and the sun disappeared, and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse were freed, and the world was thrown into chaos as vampires and demons roamed about, burning and pillaging and killing at will, all at the command of the First Evil, a formless, ghost-like being who can adopt the identities of people who have died. Governments fell, civilization teetered on the brink of collapse, until we discovered that you, Willow, are the one who was meant to pray for the world this time, just like that Sumerian priest did six-thousand years ago. And you did pray for the world, after you all had a few skirmishes with the First and its demons, and when your prayers were answered, you were somehow sent back in time to today, specifically so you can prevent the apocalypse from happening. And, oh yes, I was dead. I died in the Prudential Building back in September, but then Faith was in some sort of trouble, and somehow I was returned to life to get her out of it."
Faith was sitting on the couch next to Rebecca, holding her hand, and looking down at the floor. She hadn't spoken since Willow started telling the story.
"Yeah," Willow said, and finished her coffee. "I know...it all sounds kinda crazy, but..."
"I believe you," Rebecca said.
"You...you do?" Willow said.
"Of course, darling," Rebecca said. "You'd never lie to us. So, fantastic as it all sounds, I suppose it must be the truth. What kind of trouble was Faith in, that only I could get her out of? You said she had you and Buffy and Angel here with her? And you said you three girls decided that you would be a team, and you and Buffy voted Faith the leader, after Xander died. So Faith had a witch, a vampire, and another Slayer to help her. So what did she need me for?"
"I always need you," Faith said, and kissed Rebecca's cheek, and leaned her head on her shoulder.
"Faith was just...just kinda depressed, y'know...about everything that was going on," Willow said. "And then you just...kinda showed up, and...kinda gave her a pep talk."
Rebecca nodded. She knew Willow was holding something back, but she realized now that she was doing it to protect Faith somehow, so she let it pass. "I see. Well it must have been one hell of a pep talk I suppose, to warrant bringing me back from the dead, but I always did give a ripping good speech. I have a few other questions, actually closer to a hundred more, but I'm afraid they'll have to wait until we're in the car. Spike's in town and Drusilla might be getting here too from what you said, so we need to find Buffy and warn her, right now. Since Mr. Giles never knows where the hell the girl is let's just skip over him tonight and cut to the chase. We'll do a locator spell. Do you have something of Buffy's?"
"Um...but a locator spell will take me awhile though," Willow said. "Two or three hours. Maybe we should get Giles and Angel to help us look?"
"Two or three hours?" Rebecca said. "I thought you told me Giles used to dabble in magic. And he never told you the shortcut for doing locator spells?"
"There's a shortcut?"
"First, do you have anything of Buffy's?"
"Um...no. I guess we should go to her house and get something?"
"Let's go, and we'll bring all our gear," Rebecca said, and stood up. Willow and Faith stood up with her. "Faith, you're driving, I'll do the locator spell in the jeep. And when we find Buffy this time, we're not letting her out of our sight. The Vigil of Saint Vigeous is gunning for all of us and we can't be separated now, it's too dangerous. If Buffy would stop feeling sorry for herself long enough to get her goddamned head out of her arse, she'd know that. I thought Giles could handle her, obviously I was wrong. But I'm going to knock some sense into that girl if I have to use a sledgehammer to do it. There are going to be changes around here. Starting tonight."
Willow didn't want to worry Joyce. So instead of ringing the bell and trying to come up with an excuse to borrow something of Buffy's, they had Faith sneak on to the porch, silent as a cat, and steal General Paddington.
"What the hell is this thing?" Faith said, when she took it back to the jeep. It was Faith's jeep, fire engine red with a convertible roof and the most expensive sound system they could add in; Rebecca had bought it for her the month before. Faith always took Willow on little trips with it, exploring the town. It was great for off-roading too, and Faith and Willow took the jeep into the desert sometimes and jumped the sand dunes, and brought a picnic lunch.
"General Paddington," Willow said, as she climbed in back with Rebecca. "Buffy's had him since she was a little girl. He sorta guards the house."
"Buffy has stuffed animals?" Faith said, as she pulled away, and Rebecca took the stuffed bear and got her magic powder ready. "Here I thought she was all hardcore and now it turns out she's got like a girly side. Girl just keeps on surprising me."
"Buffy's...complicated," Willow said.
"That's one word for it," Faith said, as she glanced back at the bear. "Bitchy's another. And that bear keeps eyeballin' me. Thinkin' he doesn't like me much."
"I think you'll win him over," Rebecca said. "Willow, hold these candles steady once I light them. The spell should only take a couple of minutes but I need these candles to stay lit. Faith, call Angel, tell him what's going on."
Faith smiled, dug the cell phone Rebecca had bought her out of her coat pocket, and dialed the number. Rebecca had bought them all cell phones; Willow had one now too. "See?" Faith said. "Told you, Will. Becca's warmin' up to GQ already."
"It's the hair," Willow said, as Rebecca lit the candles, and began the locator spell. "Girls can't resist the hair. I think maybe he's got magic hair."
"I am most certainly not warming up to him," Rebecca muttered.
Willow held the candles still, and looked out the window into the peculiar darkness of Sunnydale, a darkness that seemed to swallow up light. The jeep's headlights could barely cut through it. Willow watched the road pass by as they moved through the darkness, and she wondered what the world would be like without the sun...
What if they failed, and they never saw the sun again? What if all their lives were about to end?
Willow looked over at Rebecca, concentrating intently over her magic powder beside her. She had liked Rebecca immediately when she first met her, but now her feelings were different... deeper. She had Faith's memories now...and even though Willow knew the memories weren't hers, they still felt like hers...and when Willow looked at Rebecca now, she saw someone she loved dearly. Someone she'd die for.
Willow looked at Faith, holding the cell phone to her ear, but watching the road too, and focused in on a hundred other things besides, things that only a Slayer could sense...and Willow thought about one of the things she hadn't told her, about the way the world had gone before...
She thought about their kiss, in the Wal-Mart. Willow didn't remember everything, and she didn't know exactly why she and Faith had been in a Wal-Mart together, or what they had talked about in there. But she remembered that kiss...
If they were all about to die soon, Willow thought she should kiss Faith, before she died. She had Faith's memories, and she knew Faith was attracted to girls...to Buffy...and to her. Willow had never thought about girls that way, and she wondered if Faith's memories were changing her...
She thought about her life, as the jeep plunged further into the darkness...she was heading away from the life she had lived, all the familiar things she had known, and the road ahead couldn't be seen now...she was with two people she had only known for two months and she felt as close to both of them as she had ever felt to anyone in her life. Xander was gone, Buffy seemed to have given up on her...everything was different now...
She remembered Annabelle. She decided she would fly to Minnesota to visit her, the first chance she got. She needed to be able to see her sometimes.
She thought about her life. The good parts...and the bad parts. She thought about Buffy, in that bathtub in Los Angeles, her wrists slit, bleeding to death...she thought about what Angel had done to her...to all of them...when he lost his soul...
Willow hadn't told anyone about what Angel had done to her...that he had given her Drusilla's memories of being tortured and raped, made Drusilla force them into her head. She hadn't told anyone she was afraid of small, enclosed spaces now...that sometimes she had panic attacks now, and she felt like she might suffocate...
Ever since she'd learned that Angel was alive, she'd felt her rage simmering. She had been planning to confront him. She had been thinking about killing him. She thought he'd let her kill him.
But then the Vigil of Saint Vigeous had attacked them at the Bronze, and Angel had saved Faith's life...
When she and Faith had danced together at the Bronze that night, Willow had realized she loved Faith. It had sneaked up on her somehow, but she loved her...and she knew she always would. Receiving Faith's memories later on, and realizing that she was the one who had given Faith the necklace, had just confirmed what Willow already knew.
When Angel saved Faith's life that night, Willow let her rage go.
"Next thing we know, she'll be inviting him into the mansion," Faith said, as Angel picked up. "Hey, GQ. It's the emergency backup Slayer." Faith chuckled. "Yeah, I'm healin' up quick. Listen, heads up. Your old pal Spike's in town..."
Willow and Rebecca heard a string of expletives roaring out of the cell phone. Faith winced, and held the phone away from her ear.
"Damn, dude," she said, when the torrent had subsided. "Becca says I'm not old enough to hear that kinda talk. Guess you really don't like the guy. Well it gets worse. The Key we got is a fake, Spike's got the real one, and we got less than twenty-four hours to find him before the world ends. We're on our way to grab Queen B now...nah, we got that covered too. Will says she knows this place Spike squats at, we'll get there after we find Buffy and run a locator spell on his junk. You can meet us there, then we can go after him together. 342 Bleeker...hey, sounds like a party. Yeah, Will's good, she's staying with us, believe me, we aren't letting her out of our sight. Becca? She's cool as a cucumber. Nah, she still wants to kill you about the usual amount. Will thinks she's holdin' back 'cuz of your hair. Sure, it does it on its own. Why wouldn't we believe that? You run into Spike, don't you let him get your 'do all mussed. That would be like, a national tragedy. I'd cry." Faith chuckled again. "Yeah, guess I'm done raggin' on you for now. I'll rag on you some more later. Ciao."
"Buffy's at a nightclub, someplace called the New Moon Bar," Rebecca said, and blew out the candles. "She's up in the balcony, sitting alone and getting pissed. The place is in Montecito, so turn around and head east."
"What's Buffy pissed at?" Willow said. "I mean, besides everything in the world."
"Drunk," Faith said, and turned the jeep around. "Thought you hung out with Giles. Don't you know all the British words yet?"
"Giles uses different British words, goofy words like 'berk'. And mostly Buffy hung out with him. I just sorta did my computer stuff and my magic stuff and hung with Xander eating donuts during the meetings."
"Well Buffy's not hanging out with Giles now," Faith said. "Becca's right about how there's gotta be changes. This thing isn't working. It's time we all got on the same page, became a team. I don't know what the hell Giles is doing just letting Buffy run around blowin' us all off. I get that she's hurtin', I get that it's hard for her after Xander, hell, I even get that she doesn't like me..."
"I'm certain she likes you," Rebecca said. "Just give her time."
"Coulda fooled me," Faith said, and wondered how much Rebecca had picked up on between her and Buffy. She and Buffy had only kissed once, they had only really hung out together that one night, and that was only for a little while, dancing at the Bronze...but on the rare occasions that she and Buffy had been together slaying after that--never voluntarily and always at the behest of their Watchers--there had been tension between them, as Faith wanted to explore what they had discovered when they danced that night, and Buffy wanted to hide from it. And Faith knew Rebecca was an excellent judge of people...had she and Buffy been that obvious? "Well anyway, Giles is still handling her all wrong. He's giving her space when space is the last thing she needs. She needs friends. She needs to be part of a team again, she needs to know she's not alone out there. She needs..."
"A Scooby Gang?" Willow said. "Xander's dead. Scoobies died with him."
"A new gang," Faith said. "I'm sorry about Xander. But life keeps going whether we want it to or not. You either get back on the horse or you lay down in the dirt. Me, you, Becca, Buffy, Angel. A new gang."
"Not Angel," Rebecca said. "He saved your life. So I won't kill him. But that's all he gets. We'll work with him, he's too valuable for us not to, but I won't invite him into the house."
"Kinda harsh, y'think?" Faith said.
"No," Willow said.
"Remember I'm the expert on Angelus," Rebecca said. "He has his soul now, and after everything I've seen here I trust him not to try to hurt us when he has his soul. But he lost it before and he could lose it again. For all we know Buffy is still seeing him, and that isn't the only way he could lose his soul. Perfect happiness doesn't have to mean perfect shagging. There's a reason I insisted on buying a house made of stone out here. It's our safe place. Vampires can't get in and they can't burn us out either. Angel doesn't ever get invited in."
"What about Giles?" Willow said. "I mean, in this hypothetical new gang."
"Consultant," Faith said. "It's what he always did with you guys anyway. Becca and I read all his reports, it's not like he was ever out there in the field with you guys. He stays home, reads his books, comes up with a game plan and Buffy chucks it out the window half the time. And I got one Watcher, not two. Becca runs the show, Giles can consult. You good with that? I want you in the gang, Will. Becca and I both do. We've talked about it."
Faith turned around in her seat.
"You're real important to me, Willow," Faith said. "I want you with me. You in?"
Willow took Faith's hand.
"Yeah," Willow said. "But you really think Buffy will go for this?"
"No," Faith said. "So we'll draft her."
Buffy had finished her third apple martini, and she was feeling nicely buzzed now and looking for a fourth, but an annoying drunk girl kept shouting. When you'd had three apple martinis you tended to notice annoying things more.
As Buffy stood in a crowd at the bar trying to flag down the bartender, the annoying drunk girl with the big nose and the size fourteen thunder thighs stuffed into size eight cargo pants kept shouting, 'I want Sex With The Bartender! Make it a double!' in a voice like an air raid siren, and then she kept laughing after she said it in a high-pitched squeal. Her goth friend kept trying to shush her, to no avail. It was giving Buffy a headache. The fourth time the girl said it, Buffy tapped her on the shoulder.
The drunk girl turned around. The goth girl turned around with her.
"Hey, what's up?" the drunk girl said, giggling.
"Excuse me, Henrietta Hippo?" Buffy said.
People at the bar laughed. The girl's smile collapsed in on itself. "What...what did you call me?" she said.
"Henrietta Hippo," Buffy said. "Y'know, because you're fat. I was just kinda wondering if you could maybe please shut the hell up? You're giving me a headache."
The girl turned pale. Her eyes teared up.
People at the bar laughed again. The bartender laughed too. A couple of people clapped.
The girl blushed, and slunk away.
"Cassidy, wait!" her goth friend said, and went after her, and Buffy finally managed to order her fourth apple martini. She was taking it back to the balcony a couple of minutes later when the goth girl came out of the ladies room and marched right up to her. She was pretty, Buffy noticed, now that she was looking at her. Her face seemed exotic; Buffy couldn't really place her ethnicity. She had beautiful almond eyes that made Buffy think she might be part Asian, but she also had very pale skin, and a few freckles too. She wore heavy black eyeliner and mascara, and her dark auburn hair was done in a longish pixie cut with spiky bangs that called attention to her face. The girl wore a black crop top that showed off her toned stomach, a choker collar, a black miniskirt with diamond fishnets, black velvet gloves that stopped at the knuckles, stiletto heels, an amethyst ring, silver earrings in a pentagram design, and a diamond piercing in her nose, and although Buffy didn't really care for goth style personally, she thought this girl was pulling it off fabulously. And she definitely had the legs for those fishnets...
"What?" Buffy said.
"She was drunk," the goth girl said. "Yeah, she was being a little loud, a little obnoxious. But she didn't mean any harm. She's not like you. You're pretty, you practically live in places like this. Guys probably throw themselves at you. Cassidy doesn't go out much. She's got kind of a complex about the way she looks so she never wants to go anywhere and she never comes to places like this. She's really shy too. But Cassidy's the sweetest girl you'd ever wanna meet. And you just embarrassed her and made her feel like shit about herself. She's hiding in the bathroom now. Congratulations, Miss America. Does it feel good, making someone else feel miserable?"
"Whatever," Buffy said, and walked away from her. "Lose the outfit, you look like frigging Morticia Addams."
"Go fuck yourself," the girl called after her.
"Already did," Buffy said, and walked back up to the balcony.
The fourth apple martini had come and gone and Buffy was working on her fifth, and she was thinking about things. She had decided not to think about things, but the incident with the annoying drunk girl--Cassidy, Buffy recalled her name was--kept coming back into her mind. Buffy kept replaying it in her head, as she watched the dance floor. Every time she replayed it in her head, she got to the part where she insulted the girl, and she couldn't believe it was her saying the words. It was the kind of thing Cordelia would say. In fact it was worse. It was worse than anything Cordelia had ever said to Willow, in all the time Buffy had known her.
Buffy didn't know what happened. She didn't know how she had lost herself...or if there was a way to get herself back...
She watched Cassidy, while she drank her apple martini. The girl had been quiet after Buffy insulted her. She had stayed in the ladies room a long time, and when her friend had finally managed to convince her to come out, they had found a table in a quiet corner. Now they were leaving. It was still early. It wasn't even ten o'clock.
Buffy thought she had only closed her eyes for a second. But suddenly there were screams...
When she opened her eyes, no one was dancing. No one was laughing. No one was drinking. No one was speaking.
Spike was waving up at her.
Buffy had no idea how she hadn't noticed him, how she hadn't picked up his scent...she thought it might have been the alcohol. She stopped thinking about it. She made herself focus.
Spike had his vamp face on. And he had Cassidy and her friend...
He had his claws around their necks.
Buffy jumped off the couch. She felt the apple martinis, when she did it.
"I was wondering when you'd notice me," Spike said. "A little knackered, are we? Can the Slayer come out to play?"
Buffy leaped over the balcony railing and landed in an awkward crouch on the dance floor, to the gasps of the crowd. But she landed wrong, and she twisted her ankle when she did.
Spike shook his head. "Well that looked rather amateurish," he said. "Drinking on the job. Tsk tsk, Slayer. What would Mr. Jeeves say?"
Buffy smiled, and pulled her stake out of her purse, and flung the purse to the floor. This was just what she needed, she thought. No one was moving, but the music was still playing. It seemed strange...
Buffy realized she was drunk. It was hard to concentrate on what Spike was saying. It was hard keeping her balance, hard to focus, hard to think, she kept getting distracted by things. Her senses were confused, she couldn't lock in on anything. The music was too loud, there were too many lights, too many scents, and her stomach felt queasy now and she couldn't focus...
Cassidy was trembling, and tears were running down her cheeks. But she didn't struggle. Her friend was fighting against Spike's grip, trying to pry his fingers from her neck, but it was no use. Neither of them could move. He had them.
"Thought we had a deal," Buffy said. "Thought you were gonna stay away."
"Oh, I get it," Spike said, and chuckled. "This is the banter part, before we fight. But there's been a change of plans, Slayer. We're throwing out the old rulebook."
"I'm thinking we're gonna keep the rule where I kick your ass though," Buffy said.
"Nope," Spike said. "For one thing you're pissed. Usually you and me are about an even match but now I think I could beat you to death easy if I wanted to. But why bruise my knuckles when I've got a foolproof plan to kill you?"
"A foolproof plan to kill me," Buffy said, and giggled. "This should be good. You gonna talk me to death? Because you've tried that plan before, and it never works."
Spike let go of Cassidy, and shoved her down on to her knees, and pulled a handgun from an inside pocket of his long, black leather coat while he kept his other claw gripped tight around her friend's neck. "Stay there," he said, and waved the gun in Cassidy' face. Cassidy didn't move. She knelt there, trembling.
"Please don't hurt Gertrude," Cassidy whispered.
"Gertrude," Spike said, and looked at Cassidy's friend. "Pretty shite name mum and dad saddled you with."
"Fuck...you," Gertrude rasped, still struggling to pry Spike's fingers from her neck.
"I like this one," Spike said, and chuckled. Then he aimed the gun at Buffy's head.
Buffy flinched, about to jump. She thought maybe she could make it across the room to him before he pulled the trigger...maybe.
"Don't think so, Slayer," Spike said. "I know you're in love with yourself but you're not faster than a speeding bullet."
Buffy giggled. "In love with myself? Yeah, right."
"I know you're a little tipsy right now too, so I'll talk slowly," Spike said. "I have these two girls here..." He lifted Gertrude off the floor by her neck. She made a gurgling noise.
"Stop it!" Cassidy screamed, and started sobbing.
"She'll live, if the Slayer plays her cards right," Spike said, and put Gertrude down. But he kept his claw around her neck, giving her only just enough air to stay conscious.
Cassidy and Buffy's eyes met. Cassidy blushed a little, when she looked at Buffy.
Buffy wished she hadn't insulted her.
"Have I got your attention now, Slayer?" Spike said. "Good. So here's the foolproof plan. Simple, really. You're going to stay perfectly still and let me shoot you in the head. If you don't, I'll start killing people. Starting with these two birds, and then I'm gonna work my way around the bar."
"You're...gonna...kill them?" Buffy said, as she stared down the barrel of the gun.
This wasn't how it was supposed to work. These weren't the rules...vampires weren't supposed to use guns. They weren't supposed to take hostages...
They weren't supposed to kill Xander.
"Yup," Spike said. "What's it gonna be?" He looked at Gertrude, and smiled. "You have ten seconds before things get...sticky."
"FUCK YOU!" Gertrude rasped, and tried to elbow Spike in the face. He held her up off the floor again, and tightened his grip on her neck. She winced, gasping for air.
"You're just...just afraid to fight me," Buffy said. "Let them go. Fight me. I'm the one you want, unless you're just...just a fucking coward!"
Buffy thought she might have been able to throw her stake through the barrel of the gun from this distance if she was sober. But not now.
Spike laughed. "Sticks and stones. You are the one I want. I just don't see why I should have to fight you when I can just kill you instead. I appreciate a good scrap, and we've gone round and round, you and me. But you've been a pain in my backside for too long now. It's causing problems for me and Dru. You and I had some laughs, it was fun for awhile, but Dru's my woman and I want her back. So I've decided you and I are gonna have to finish up, for Dru's sake. Tonight our game ends. One of us had to win eventually, Slayer. Anyway, time's up. What's it gonna be? Do what I say or I start killing people."
"But..." Buffy said. "But...this isn't...this isn't how it's supposed to be! It isn't fair!"
Gertrude screamed. Everyone screamed. Spike laughed.
"I warned you, Slayer," Spike said.
But Buffy didn't scream. She just froze.
"Buffy," Spike said, and went on laughing, as Gertrude went on screaming. He held her at arm's length, a foot off the ground, and tightened his grip on her neck again. She gasped for air now, but she kept trying to scratch him. "All the things you've seen, all the people you've watched die...what ever gave you the impression that life is fair? Silly girl." He held his gun to Gertrude's temple. "Should I kill Siouxsie Sioux next?"
Gertrude was still gasping for breath, struggling futilely against Spike's grip. But tears ran down her cheeks now.
"WAIT!" Buffy screamed. "Okay. Okay, I'll...I'll do it. Just...don't kill anyone else."
There was no way out of this, Buffy realized. If she had Willow with her, she could have gotten out of this. Willow could have put up a shield, or she could have tried to take his gun away telekinetically...
But she didn't have Willow anymore. And there was no way out of this.
Buffy always knew Slayers died young...she thought she had been prepared for this.
Buffy realized she was crying now. She realized she wasn't prepared for this. She had tried to kill herself six months before...but now she realized she wanted to live. And she couldn't. Her time was up. It wasn't fair...
But it hadn't been fair for Xander either. Buffy wanted to live, but she knew she deserved to die.
She dropped her stake. It clattered to the floor, loud in the silence, and rolled to a stop.
"You're just...you're just gonna kill her?!" Gertrude rasped.
"Well...yeah," Spike said. "I'm a vampire. I'm evil. Don't worry, there's gonna be another one where she came from. Slayers are fun that way. Put your hands on your head, Slayer. Then turn your back to me, and get down on your knees on the floor. Don't worry, you won't even feel this."
"How do I know...you'll let her go...after...?" Buffy said.
"You don't," Spike said. "Nothing but bad choices for you tonight, luv. But once I bag you, I figure that'll top off my night nicely. Going on to this one next would be anticlimactic."
"Gertrude," Buffy said. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was mean to Cassidy."
Buffy put her hands on her head, turned around, and knelt down on the floor...
She thought about Willow, as she did it. She wished, more than anything else right now, that she could take back the past two months...that, instead of shutting Willow out, she could've spent time with her. Not so she could get out of this. But because she missed her. Because she knew Willow was hurting just as badly as she was, and Buffy had only made it worse...when Willow needed a friend, she hadn't been there...
When Buffy tried to kill herself in Los Angeles, Willow had been there for her. She moved out there and lived with Buffy in that crummy little one-room apartment and didn't let her out of her sight. She saved her life, not just on that first day, when she hauled her out of that bathtub and tied wet towels around her wrists and got her to the hospital. She saved her life every day after that, too...
As Buffy knelt down on the floor and waited to die, she wished she could see Willow, more than anything else in the world just then, just one last time before she died. She wished she could see Willow, and tell her how much she loved her.
Willow walked into the bar. Rebecca walked in beside her.
"Well this is a surprise," Spike said. "If it isn't my old squeeze, Becky Greer. Small world, innit? Plus the witch. Now the gang's all here." Spike smirked. "What's left of the gang anyway. Scuttlebutt around town says you lost the boy. You really should've kept him home, Buffy. He wasn't cut out for this."
"You still like to hear yourself talk, I see," Rebecca said. "And don't flatter yourself about you and me, by the way. I was going through a phase. And you were convenient."
"Hey!" Spike shouted. "No call to be getting rude. Oh, and I fancy watching myself kill Slayers too."
Quick as lightning, Spike aimed the gun at the back of Buffy's head, and pulled the trigger...
Buffy gasped, as the bullet bounced off an energy shield that flared to life in an explosion of yellow sparks. Spike could see that the shield covered Buffy, Rebecca and Willow.
"Get up, Buffy," Rebecca said. "No one else is dying today. No one who isn't already dead at least."
Buffy stood up. She felt a little less drunk now. She focused in on her senses...
She smelled peaches, with a hint of muskiness underneath.
"Neat trick," Spike said. "The witch is making strides. But it doesn't change anything. If I don't get to kill Buffy I'm sure as hell gonna kill everyone else in here. You look good by the way, Becky. Maybe after I kill your Slayer we can have a drink, catch up on old times. Tell the witch to drop the shield or Siouxsie Sioux loses her face."
Rebecca pulled a gun from a hip holster under her coat. She aimed it at Spike's head, and looked him in the eyes.
"And once Willow drops the shield, we can find out who's a better shot," Rebecca said. "I like my chances, William."
"That can't kill me," Spike said.
"But it will put you down long enough for me to shove a stake so far up your arse you'll be chewing on splinters," Rebecca said. "That girl there is your last victim."
Spike smiled.
"I always liked you," he said. "You've got style. Looks like we've got a standoff here."
"Is that what you think this is, William?" Rebecca said. "A standoff?"
A dagger suddenly burst through Spike's right eye. He stumbled forward, dropped his gun, dropped Gertrude, collapsed to the floor on his face, and didn't move.
"It was a diversion, you moron," Rebecca said. She looked back at Willow, and then she looked up at the balcony. "Nicely done, girls."
Buffy saw Faith standing in the balcony.
"I do love my knives," Faith said, and leapt down to the floor, graceful as a cat.
Rebecca knelt by Gertrude, and took her hand.
"Are you all right?" Rebecca said.
"No," Gertrude rasped. Her neck looked like someone had tried to twist it off, and her face was streaked with tears. When she glanced at what was left of Cassidy, she whimpered.
The bar was emptying out: now that people saw an opportunity to get away they were running out of there like the building was on fire. But Gertrude knelt by Cassidy, and cried.
Rebecca picked up Spike's gun, and shoved it in her belt. There was no reason to bother feeling for Cassidy's pulse. Spike's gun was a .357 magnum. Cassidy's face had a six-inch hole in it. Rebecca took off her coat, and draped it over Cassidy's body.
"I'm sorry about your friend," Rebecca said, and squeezed Gertrude's hand.
Buffy picked up her stake. She saw Rebecca pull off Spike's coat, and start rifling through it. Rebecca came up with a smooth, flat stone, about the size of a deck of cards. She tossed it to Willow.
"Is that the Key?" Rebecca said.
"Yeah," Willow said. "This will just take a sec."
Willow let herself remember who she was. She knew it was the last time she could let herself remember...after this, she couldn't remember again for eleven years...
"Here we are again," Athena said.
Willow stood in Athena's throne room, on a soft carpet of white flowers, under the giant, silvery-green olive tree that was sacred to Athena, and that marble room was filled with sunlight, and flowers drifting gently down to the marble floor, and birds that flew to and fro around Willow, serenading her with their songs. And the goddess stood in front of her throne before her, in her flowing white robe, and her battle armor and her helmet, with her sword girded around her waist, and her shield upon her back: ready for battle, as always. Athena was tall and cold and perilous as an icy mountain peak, and beautiful as a spring morning, and wise as the ages.
"Do you ever take off that armor?" Willow said, and smiled. "Doesn't it get itchy?"
Athena smiled too.
"Hello, Willow," she said, and left her throne, and met Willow under the olive tree.
Willow hugged her.
"Hi, sweetie," Willow said. "Here we are again. Um...sorry about killing you."
"You always say that," Athena said.
"And what do you always say when I say it?"
Athena knelt in front of her, and took her hand, and kissed it.
"I always say, my life is yours, Goddess, to do with as you will," Athena said.
Willow raised Athena back up, and looked down at herself, and giggled. "You're all tall and beautiful and perfect and like, completely Wonder Woman wearing battle armor while here I am in my Hello Kitty tee-shirt and my polka dot sneakers," Willow said. "I'm thinking you're definitely more the Goddess type."
"Looks can be deceiving," Athena said, and looked down at the Key in Willow's hand. "I see you came bearing a gift."
"Same gift as always," Willow said, and handed the Key to her. "You're the only one I can trust to keep this safe."
"Thor I would trust to keep it safe, though I suppose his ridiculous jackass of a brother might find some way to trick him out of it," Athena said, as they walked together to the cedar trunk sitting on the floor in the corner.
"Yeah," Willow said. "I love them both, but they're already too caught up in all this stuff, I don't want the Key anywhere near Asgard. Too much craziness in Asgard."
Athena smiled. "Are you saying we Greeks are dull?"
"Civilized, sweetie, civilized. Though you guys could learn a thing or two about how to throw a party in Asgard. Asgard throws the best parties."
Athena opened the cedar trunk.
"Can't you like, have a lock on it or something?" Willow said. "I mean it only contains like, the most dangerous thing in existence. Wait, I bet I always say this, don't I?"
"Yes," Athena said. "And then I always say, this is a magical trunk, cunningly designed by Hephaestus himself, and only I may open it. A legion of men could not pry it open. Heracles himself could not, though he wrestled with it for a century."
"Okay, I'm sold," Willow said.
The trunk was full of Keys.
"This is number two-hundred and twelve," Athena said, as she placed the Key in the trunk with all the other Keys, and closed it. "I wonder how many more I shall be entrusted to guard, before these events stop repeating."
"That's up to my son," Willow said. "Maybe...just one more. Maybe things will be different this time."
"Things will be different," Athena said. "The story has changed. Tara changed it, when she summoned Loki, and I changed it, when I circumvented your will to find you for her."
"And I changed it when I brought Becca back," Willow said. "Yeah. There are always changes, but this time they're gonna be major."
Athena nodded. She sat down on top of the chest, and looked down at the flowers.
"I lost Tara," Athena said. "She was my special one...she's gone now. She doesn't even know me anymore."
Willow bent down and kissed Athena's cheek.
"We'll find her," Willow said. "I promise, sweetie. I won't let her be lost forever."
Willow stood in the catacombs beneath King's Park cemetery, and waited in the dark.
The catacombs were a centuries-old maze full of secret passages and hidden traps. It was why the Vigil had chosen that place as their lair, Willow knew. And she sensed them now...they were all here, every last one of them...the four priests were here too.
The vampires had picked up her scent...some of them were converging on her now.
Willow stood in a little drafty tunnel with limestone walls and cobblestone floors, looking straight ahead into the dark by the flickering light of the sandalwood torches lining the walls, and she concentrated, as she felt more than two-hundred vampires streaming toward her like a swarm of cockroaches...
She raised the temperature throughout the entire length and breadth of the catacombs to more than eight-thousand degrees in an instant. Darkness became terrible white light...
The Vigil of Saint Vigeous, every last one of them, incinerated down to nothing in a split-second. The four priests were instantly reduced to a puff of carbon molecules. The catacombs melted, becoming a great, rushing river of super-heated molten rock that engulfed Willow like a riptide, and had absolutely no effect on her. All the oxygen burned away too, but that had no effect on Willow either. King's Park cemetery became a sinkhole.
"You're not from around here, are you?" the bartender said, as Willow walked into the L Street Tavern in South Boston in her Hello Kitty tee-shirt and her red jeans with the little hearts embroidered on the pockets, and her polka-dot sneakers, and looked around the bar. It was a warm, cluttered little place, the walls painted an earthy red and decorated with scores of little antiques rescued from garage sales and flea markets and people's attics over the years--old street signs and magazines and newspaper front pages and team pennants. There were two big televisions hung up in the corners at opposite ends of the bar, but the volume was turned down low, and there was a general hush over the place. Quiet conversation seemed to be the norm here. All the tables and chairs were old oak wood, and they looked rather magisterial, sitting there in the gloom. Unfortunately, the tavern smelled like stale beer, and the floor was sticky. But there was a pinball machine in the corner. Willow liked pinball machines.
"No," Willow said, as her eyes finally settled on the person she was looking for. He was playing the pinball machine in the corner. "Can I have a Sprite?"
"Sprite?" the bartender said.
Willow looked at him.
"Sprite," she said.
"We've got ginger ale," the bartender said.
"It's not the same," Willow said. "Forget it, I'll just be a second anyway. I'm here to meet someone."
She walked down the bar toward the pinball machine. At the end of the bar she stopped, and put her hand on a man's shoulder. The man wasn't having a quiet conversation with anyone. He was concentrating on his drinks. A shot and a beer.
"Joe, your wife is worried about you, and your daughter misses you," Willow said. "They need you. Get up. Go home and be a husband and a father."
The man turned around and looked at her incredulously. He needed a shave. His face had deep lines, haggard from a lifetime of cares. He sat slumped on his stool, like he had been beaten down, like he carried an invisible weight on his shoulders. But his eyes still looked young. Willow saw them sparkling there in the dark.
"Things aren't so bad," Willow said. "You've got Rose and Kelly. That puts you two up on a lot of people."
The man's expression changed.
"Yeah," he said, and smiled.
Then he dug a twenty dollar bill out of his wallet, put it on the bar, got up, put on his coat, and walked out. Willow walked over to the pinball machine.
"Shawn Brennan," she said.
"Who wants to know," Shawn Brennan said, and concentrated on his game. He turned and gave her an appraising once-over, and then he grinned at her.
"You ain't my type, honey," he said. "Cute, nice rack, but I don't date arty girls."
"Give me your knife," Willow said.
Shawn took his pearl-handled folding knife from his leather coat, and gave it to her. Willow slipped it into her jeans pocket.
"Wait a minute," Shawn said, and let the pinball roll into the gutter. "Why the hell did I just give you my lucky knife?"
"Your daughter might want it someday," Willow said.
"My...hold on, what?" Shawn said. "My daughter?"
But Willow was already walking away from him.
"You should carry Sprite," Willow said, as she passed the bartender. "And wash the floor, it's all sticky."
"Okay," the bartender said.
Willow walked out into the night, and Shawn Brennan turned to dust.
The cramped little room couldn't really be called a parlor; it was too small. But Janet kept a couple of old recliners in there, and a television set, and she sat there all day, most days, watching soap operas and talk shows, and drinking. The room smelled like cigarette smoke and booze, and the windows looked out on to a courtyard littered with used condoms.
Willow stood in that room now, looking up at a cheap little framed portrait of Jesus Christ on the mantle above the television, the painting you saw in a lot of Catholic houses. Head of Christ, the painting was called; it was done by Warner Sallman in 1935 and it had sold over five-hundred million copies over the years. It was a profile view, with Jesus, his eyes gazing serenely upward, surrounded by a halo of light. Willow studied the painting.
Janet was sitting in one of the recliners, drinking peppermint schnapps straight from the bottle and watching television; an old repeat of The Brady Bunch on cable. Carol and the girls didn't understand why the girls couldn't share the boys' clubhouse, and Mike just couldn't get them to understand. So Carol and the girls tried to build their own clubhouse, but they were girls from the 1960's and they didn't understand how to build things, and one of the walls fell down and Cindy almost got hurt. After that, Mike called a halt to the feud, corralled the boys, and he and the boys built the girls a splendid clubhouse.
Willow had her back turned to Janet. Janet was drunk enough that it took her a moment to notice Willow standing by the mantle, even though Willow was standing directly in her line of sight. When she did finally notice her, she jumped, and nearly dropped her bottle.
"Who the fuck are you?" Janet said, and stumbled out of the chair. "How'd you...how'd you fuckin' get in here?"
"I'm God," Willow said.
Janet snorted, and laughed. But Willow kept looking at her...
Janet's expression changed: she became afraid.
She dropped her bottle. It spilled out on the cheap, dirty rug.
A man came out of the little bedroom that was separated from the parlor by a bead curtain. He was tall and rawboned with a hawk nose and a big, droopy moustache underneath it like Yosemite Sam. He was bleary-eyed in his stained tee-shirt and boxer shorts, and he smelled like sweat and cheap cigars.
"Who the fuck is this girl?" he said.
Willow looked at him.
"Turn around, pack your things," Willow said. "Leave here and never come back."
The man turned around, and walked back into the bedroom.
Janet was shaking now as she stood there, Willow noticed; she was shaking so badly she looked like a volcano about to erupt. She tried, twice, to pick up her bottle from the floor with her shaking hands, and she couldn't manage it either time.
Willow went back to looking at the little portrait of Christ.
"He didn't look like this, y'know," Willow said. "He looks like some frigging Irish guy in this picture, they even gave him a reddish beard. This wasn't how he looked."
Janet stood there, looking down at the floor, shaking.
"I'm angry with you, Janet," Willow said.
Willow looked at her again. Janet started to cry.
"You were raped," Willow said. "I'm sorry about that. Contrary to what you all believe, I don't orchestrate everything that happens in your lives. I'm not some mad scientist experimenting with new ways to screw with people. I didn't cause you to be raped. But I felt bad about it anyway. So I gave you a gift, to make up for what happened: a gift of love. A precious, beautiful little girl, who loved you, who would've loved you every single day, and filled your life with joy. And you threw her away."
The man came out of the bedroom, dressed and carrying a suitcase. He walked right past Willow without looking at her or Janet, and continued on out the door.
"You hurt her," Willow said. "You beat her, made her feel scared, made her feel worthless. Like your rapist did to you. Did it make you feel better, hurting a defenseless girl? Did it make you feel strong, after what happened to you? Did you do it because you needed to feel strong? I'm trying to understand, Janet. Make me understand."
"I don't know," Janet said. "I wasn't...wasn't given a choice. I was angry for a long time. I felt like...she was forced on me."
"How do you think Faith felt? She never asked to have you for a mother. None of you choose who you're born to, it's all just random chance. Did you ever think about that?"
Janet shook her head.
"But...but I loved her," Janet said. "I loved her as best I could. I miss her. Is she...is she okay? Is my girl okay?"
"Yeah," Willow said. "I love her and I'm taking care of her. I heard your prayer. I'll always watch over her. But I'm still angry with you. So now I'm punishing you."
Janet's face turned even paler.
"There's no Hell," Willow said. "And I don't turn people into pillars of salt either. Your punishment is, to spend the rest of your life realizing what you threw away. You can't ever see her again, you can't ever tell her the things you know. I don't ever want Faith to know that you tried to abort her. Don't ever try to see her, Janet. You forfeited that right. Faith's got a mother who loves her now, seeing you would only hurt her again. Do you understand?"
Janet nodded, and sat back down in her chair, and held her head in her hands, and cried.
"Faith's happy and safe now, Janet," Willow said. "She's loved. If you really care about her, that should be all you need."
Janet nodded. Willow picked up a string of rosary beads from the mantle.
"Why do you keep this, when you don't go to church?" Willow said.
"I don't know," Janet said.
"You shouldn't bother going to confession, by the way," Willow said. "I don't care what people say, I care about what they do. You think saying you're sorry could ever make up for what you did to Faith? Say a bunch of Hail Marys and a bunch of Our Fathers and that's supposed to make up for what you did? You really think that's how it works? Human beings have believed a lot of dumb shit over the years. But that's always struck me as the dumbest thing. Thinking words mean anything to me."
"I never confessed it," Janet said. "I've been to confession since she left. But I never confessed what I did to her. I knew it wouldn't be right. I knew...I knew it wasn't right, what I did to my little girl, and I shouldn't be forgiven, so I didn't confess it."
She didn't look up at Willow. She held her head in her hands, and cried...and then she picked up her bottle.
"Your life isn't over," Willow said. "Learn from this. Make things better for yourself. Then maybe someday you can make things better for someone else. Maybe."
Willow took the bottle away from her.
"I don't orchestrate people's lives," Willow said. "It's up to you. I hope you make your life better. I hope you make other people's lives better. I hope you find happiness. But I'm warning you, Janet. I won't tolerate you seeing Faith. I know you're going to be tempted to see her. If you ever try, I'll strike you down dead."
The bar had cleared out. They were alone now. As Rebecca, Faith, Buffy, and Gertrude all watched, the Key disappeared in Willow's hand.
"It's done," Willow said. "The Key's gone. No one can ever use it again."
"Where did it go?" Faith said. "We sure no one can find it again?"
"The angel gave me a spell to get rid of it, and to get rid of the Vigil of Saint Vigeous too," Willow lied. "I can only use the spell once, then I forget it...I've already forgotten it. But I know the Key's gone, and the Vigil is gone too."
"Okay, that's...really convenient," Faith said.
"We'll check on the Vigil to make sure," Rebecca said. "But I see no reason why Willow would be misinformed about them when she already knew about Spike. I suppose we've saved the world tonight."
"Yeah," Faith said, as she looked down at what was left of Cassidy, and at Gertrude crying beside her. "Yippee."
Buffy crouched beside Spike, and held her stake above his chest.
"This is for Cassidy," she said, and plunged the stake into his heart. He turned to dust.
Buffy thought it felt strangely anticlimactic.
"Okay...can someone maybe...maybe just tell me what the fuck's going on?!" Gertrude gasped.
Willow knew there was one more thing to do before she forgot who she was.
She knelt by Gertrude, and put her arm around her.
"Hey, sweetie," Willow said. "I'm Willow. I'm sorry about your friend."
Gertrude nodded, and held on to her.
"You got a cell phone?" Willow said.
"Yeah," Gertrude whispered. "In...in my purse."
Willow looked around. She found a purse on the floor, a few feet away. She didn't let go of Gertrude. Gertrude was still holding on to her.
"This it?" Willow said. Gertrude nodded. Willow pulled a cell phone out of the purse, flipped it open, and added her number to it. "This is my number," Willow said. "If you're ever in trouble, gimme a call, we'll all come running. Or if you ever wanna talk."
"He said...said he was a vampire," Gertrude said. "And...Buffy did that thing with the stick, and now...there are really vampires?"
"Yeah," Willow said. "Magic too. All kinds of crazy stuff. And if you ever wanna talk about it, call me, okay? Or if you just wanna hang out. Finding out about vampires the first time is always tough. I handled it with lotsa, y'know, mopin' around in my nightgown pigging out on ice cream and brownies. But it's easier with a friend."
"Thanks," Gertrude whispered.
Willow knew it was time to forget, now...it was time to be Willow again...
The Key was gone. Willow had no idea how it had happened...but she felt a strong urge to stop thinking about it.
"Thought we already had the Key," Buffy said. "And you're talking about an angel? I need cliff notes here."
"We had a fake Key, then we found out Spike's in town with the real one," Faith said. "We came to warn you."
Buffy nodded. She was still kneeling by the pile of dust that was all that was left of Spike. She looked at Cassidy, under Rebecca's coat, a pool of blood slowly spreading around her on the floor. It seeped into the cracks.
"Buffy Summers, Slayer extraordinaire," Buffy said, and got up, and headed for the door.
"Where are you going?" Rebecca said.
"No fucking idea," Buffy said.
"Come back with us," Rebecca said. "I want to talk to you."
Buffy giggled. She turned around, and looked at them all.
She was crying.
"I get it, okay?" Buffy said. "I suck! I got one friend killed and I blew off the other one when she was hurting. I get innocent people killed when it's my job to protect them. My Watcher got tortured because of me, did you know that? My vampire boyfriend tortured him when he lost his soul. Plus he killed eighteen little kids. And oh yeah, my vampire boyfriend raped Willow too. He had Drusilla go into her head and give Willow her memories of how he tortured her and raped her and locked her in a fucking closet for four months and finally turned her, so Willow remembers all that like she lived it now. Angel told me about it after he got back from the hell dimension, I guess he felt guilty. I almost killed him when he told me, the way I should've done in the fucking first place. But I still couldn't make myself do it. I kicked the shit out of him but I couldn't bring myself to stake him. Cool, huh? A Slayer who can't stake a vampire. Yeah, I'm a frigging awesome Slayer. So I get it, Rebecca. You don't have to bother giving me a lecture. I'm done. Done with all this."
She dropped her stake.
"You and Faith can have it," Buffy said, and walked out the door.
CONNECTIONS
Faith didn't move. She stood there in the middle of the bar, staring down at Willow.
She tried to speak, a few times. The third time, she managed to say something.
"That...that...really happened to you?" Faith whispered. "Angel, he...made you...?"
Willow looked up at Faith, as the memories came back...of Angel--Angelus--taking her. She remembered what he tasted like, in her mouth. She remembered how he felt, between her legs. He had been gentle, with her...he had been gentle, when he raped her.
Willow blushed, as she looked up at Faith, and remembered Angelus touching her, gently, in all the places she realized now she wanted Faith to touch her. She looked down at the floor again.
"Yeah," Willow said. "Look...can we, um...can we just maybe...talk about this later?"
She remembered there was a dead body next to her, under Rebecca's coat. She wished she didn't feel so casual about it. She wished she felt outraged, or disgusted, or even scared. But she didn't. She tried to summon those feelings up, but they just weren't there. She felt like a car whose motor wouldn't start on a winter morning. Her battery was dead. She didn't have a spark anymore. She was cold.
This was all just another day at the office now, Willow thought. It was banal, routine. The Willow who would have felt revulsion just being in that place, sitting on the floor next to a dead girl with a gunshot wound in her face and her blood trickling out over the floorboards and beginning to congeal as it filled up all the cracks like maple syrup, was gone now. That Willow had been gone for a very long time, and Willow realized, as she sat there with her arm around Gertrude, that she was never coming back. The girl she had been, was gone--as irrevocably as the girl lying dead on the floor under Rebecca's coat with a hole in her face was gone.
Willow decided at that moment to accept the early admission scholarship she had been offered to Oxford. They had told her she could start at the end of her junior year. She had put them off, because she thought she wanted to stay in Sunnydale. She had been thinking about going to U.C. Sunnydale, so she could stay and help Buffy...the Hellmouth was here, and Buffy needed help. She had told Buffy that U.C. Sunnydale was a great school, and she could design her own curriculum, so it would be the perfect place for her. But it was a lie: a lie she told Buffy to make her feel better. U.C. Sunnydale would be a step down for Willow--several steps down--and she knew it would hurt her, if she ever wanted to have a career besides hunting vampires. Oxford, Harvard, Yale--those were her best choices and they were all open to her. Oxford was her favorite, because she had always wanted to live in England. England was romantic...
The Oxford recruiter had made it very clear that they wanted Willow and would do whatever it took to convince her. The scholarship was a full ride, room and board, everything. Willow knew she could call Oxford tomorrow and be on a plane to England tomorrow night. No more Hellmouth. No more vampires. No more monsters. No more dead bodies. No more Angel. She could leave town and put all this behind her...
Willow looked up at Faith again. She saw that Faith was blinking a lot, and her lips were beginning to tremble.
Willow knew Faith: and now that she had Faith's memories, she knew her better than anyone in the world. She knew Faith was trying very hard right now not to cry, trying very hard to be strong...to be a Slayer.
When she looked up at Faith then, Willow decided not to call Oxford.
Rebecca took Willow's hand.
"We'll talk about it," Rebecca said. "Faith, go after Buffy and bring her back to the mansion. Throw a bloody net over her if you have to, just get her there. I'll handle things here."
Faith didn't move. She was biting her lip, trying very hard not to cry...
She knelt beside Willow, and threw her arms around her, and cried.
"It's okay," Willow whispered, and hugged her. "It's okay, sweetie."
"It's not okay!" Faith shouted, her voice cracking. Willow could feel Faith's tears on her face. Her hair still smelled like coconut. She was trembling a little, now. The thing that had struck Willow the most when she received Faith's memories was discovering how fragile Faith really was...how vulnerable. Faith's life had left her damaged. Cracked right down the middle. Willow knew Faith wanted--needed--someone to take care of her.
Willow felt a spark, when she hugged Faith then. She didn't feel cold anymore.
She wanted to take care of Faith.
"I..." Willow whispered in Faith's ear, before she caught herself.
"What?" Faith whispered.
I love you, Willow thought.
Faith was looking at her now...searching her eyes. Willow could never endure Faith's stare for long.
Faith's eyes had a golden light sometimes...it was there now. It was beautiful. Faith was beautiful.
I want us to be together, Willow thought.
But part of her was scared, when she thought it...
Did she really like girls? How could she, all of a sudden, when she never had before? Was this just Faith's memories confusing her, making her lose herself? Since she had somehow absorbed Faith's memories two nights before, she had gotten confused sometimes...there were moments she had to remind herself that she was Willow. Was that all this was?
"I want..." Willow whispered, and then caught herself.
Do you wanna hear my philosophy? Willow remembered Buffy saying, a few days after they first met, one night when Willow was sitting alone at the Bronze, afraid to talk to anyone... Willow the Wisp.
Life is short, Buffy had said. Okay, not original, but it's true. Why waste time being shy and worrying about what people think. Seize the moment. Because tomorrow you might be dead.
What if this wasn't real? What if these feelings faded away?
Willow had Faith's memories, so she knew Faith liked girls...she knew Faith was attracted to her, and to Buffy. But if Willow led her on and then suddenly changed her mind about how she felt, it would hurt Faith...and Willow couldn't do that to her.
"What is it, honey?" Faith whispered. "Tell me."
"I want..." Willow started to say again, and found herself caressing Faith's cheek, wiping her tears away.
It would be safer to wait. She needed time to figure out these feelings...to figure out who she was now...to find Willow again, buried underneath it all, if she was even still in there...
There was time. She could wait.
I want us to be together, Willow thought.
"You better go after Buffy," Willow said.
Willow felt Rebecca watching her. Rebecca was still holding Gertrude's hand, but all her focus was on Willow now.
"Go on, Faith," Rebecca said. "Get Buffy and meet us back at the mansion. Then we'll figure out our next move."
"Yeah," Faith said.
But she waited a moment, before she got up again. She looked into Willow's eyes...took in her scent. Heard her heart beating. She felt her crystal pendant, pulsing between them and warming the air like a little rising sun. Faith had been wearing the pendant since she was nine years old and she had become accustomed to it; she hardly ever noticed it anymore. But she was always more aware of it when she was around Willow. She touched the pendant, held it in her hand...felt its warmth.
Faith waited, but she didn't know why she was waiting...
She knew she had to go.
She kissed Willow's cheek, and ran out the door.
Buffy didn't know where she was going.
The moment she left the bar, she had started running...running like she was being hunted. She was sprinting like a cheetah now, running flat out down the dark, empty, unfamiliar streets, her heart racing in her chest like it was about to burst, and as she ran she felt herself desperately trying to escape from something...trying to outpace some unseen enemy. Part of her felt afraid, but she didn't know what she was afraid of. She felt her fear, like a steady, insistent tingling at the bottom of her stomach, a spark that compelled her forward. She felt her blood in her veins, and she felt the wind on her skin, and she felt all her senses reaching out, straining to pick up some smell, some sound, that she couldn't imagine yet, as her pounding footfalls echoed down the street ahead of her, seeming loud in that stillness, and she began to sweat. The sweat was good. It helped get her into a rhythm as she ran, it made her feel connected to herself again. Buffy wanted to rip off her clothes, as she felt the Slayer in her taking control.
The Slayer knew things Buffy didn't. The Slayer knew she was being hunted, but Buffy didn't know how she knew, or who it was that was hunting her...
Buffy's shoes made running awkward. She stopped for a moment, kicked them off, and started sprinting again, barefoot: it felt better. She wanted to take the rest of her clothes off too. She felt the Slayer inside her, insisting. But there was enough of Buffy left in control to consider that running naked through the streets could lead to complications if anyone saw her. She compromised: she tore off her sweater, and she ripped a slit in her skirt all the way up to her waist, to make it easier to stretch her legs. She ran in her camisole and her ripped miniskirt through the silent, empty streets, and reached out with her senses...searching for something... something she was afraid to find...
The street smelled like flowers now. Buffy realized she had come a long way from the bar already; she noticed she was on a residential block, and she ran past houses that stood a little back from the road, with gardens in front. The flowers smelled pretty, but still her senses reached out, searching for another scent...Buffy didn't know what scent she was searching for. She didn't know where she was going...
As she ran, her breathing steady, her sweat flowing, that electric spark at the bottom of her stomach sending her rocketing forward like she had touched a live wire, she felt like she was falling. She felt like her whole life, from the moment she became the Slayer, had been a freefall.
It wasn't as dark here in Montecito as it usually seemed in Sunnydale. As Buffy's course took her in and out of the glare of the streetlamps, her shadow looming large ahead of her as if it had a life and will of it own and then fading again, like a ghost moving in and out of the world, she noticed that the streetlamps actually managed to cut through the darkness here. In Sunnydale you usually couldn't see more than ten feet in front of you at night. It was different here...here, things were the way they were supposed to be. Buffy wished she lived here. But she didn't.
She saw the highway onramp ahead of her, just as the wind shifted, and she caught a scent coming from behind her...peaches, with a hint of muskiness underneath.
Buffy felt the little spark at the bottom of her stomach, and started running faster.
She knew she was quicker than Faith, but not by much. And Faith had just as much stamina as she did. If Faith wanted to run her down, Buffy knew she'd manage it eventually.
Buffy felt her fear, and part of her thrilled to it. She didn't just feel it in her stomach now. She felt it everywhere, like a caress against her skin...she felt it between her legs. Part of her wanted to howl.
As Buffy sprinted on to the highway and made her way back to Sunnydale with inhuman speed, she knew she was being hunted now, and she knew that strong, relentless, implacable hunter would just keep coming...that she would catch her eventually...
All Buffy had to decide was where she would make her stand.
Faith was locked on to Buffy's scent now. It was easy to pick up: Buffy's scent was always strong to Faith's nose, and now Buffy was sweating. Her sweet jasmine smell stood out against all the other smells like a bolt of lightning in the dark. Faith came across Buffy's shoes and her sweater, and smiled. But she didn't pick them up. She kept running. She knew Buffy was quick, and this would be a long hunt.
But even as she tore after Buffy, all her senses locked on to her, the Slayer in her relishing the hunt, her sweat flowing, her heart pounding with the anticipation of cornering her prey and bringing her down, Faith found her thoughts drifting...
The Slayer in her was hunting Buffy. But Faith was thinking about Willow.
Willow had acted strange in the bar, just before Faith left...as if she wanted to tell her something, but she was afraid to...and Faith didn't know what it could be. Willow's behavior had been erratic since Xander died, and it had been even more erratic since the fight with the Vigil of Saint Vigeous at the Bronze two days before. Faith knew Willow was still trying to put herself back together after losing Xander, and it would take time, and Faith intended to be there for her, and help her through it. But there was something else...something Faith couldn't put her finger on, but she thought it was right in front of her. Willow was different, since the fight at the Bronze...sometimes she seemed more confident, but that confidence seemed like a pose. And sometimes she seemed much more uncertain than Faith had ever seen her...as if she didn't even know herself anymore...
Sometimes Willow didn't talk like herself. Sometimes, she talked like girls Faith had known in South Boston. Tough girls. And Willow had started swearing, the past couple of days, when Faith had never heard her swear even once before...at least, not this Willow...
Faith kept replaying Willow's words at the bar in her mind, as her crystal pendant lit the way ahead of her now, blazing with rainbow light. She thought she was missing something...
Faith touched the crystal. It was warm, and she could feel it pulsing with power. Its light was strong now, as she sprinted through the dark, deserted streets, following Buffy's sweet jasmine trail. Its light had started out as a simple golden phosphorescence when she left the bar, blazing straight ahead and lighting her way like it was punching a hole in the night, but now the crystal's light was a profusion of radiant colors, scattered and diffused like fireworks, illuminating the entire street, and it made the world seem somehow unreal...like a dream place. Faith felt like she was running through a dream...
As she replayed her conversation with Willow in her mind, Faith found herself ignoring Willow's words, and instead focusing on her heartbeat...her scent...her eyes...
Faith considered Willow's eyes, lovely, radiant, sea-green...as she followed the path of shimmering rainbow light her pendant created for her...
And she found her thoughts drifting, to another Willow...and her black eyes...
Nine years ago.
Faith sat on the little cot in the living room, her eyes red from crying, and held a tissue to her nose. It had been bleeding. Her mother had beaten her before she went out...punched her in the face.
The beatings had been getting worse lately. Faith was scared now, that her mother might not be able to stop herself someday, and she might actually kill her...
Today was Faith's birthday. She was nine years old.
There was leftover cake on the coffee table. Vanilla with fruit in the middle. Faith liked chocolate but her mother said the supermarket was out.
"Happy birthday to me," Faith whispered. Her mouth hurt when she talked. Her lips were swollen and puffy.
Faith stared out the window, into the darkness. At the far end of the little alley across from the courtyard outside, Faith saw a prostitute kneel down in front of a fat man in the shadows. A Cadillac drove by, blasting hip hop music loud enough that the echoes lingered after it long after the car passed. The wind rattled the windows: it was November, and it was cold. Somewhere, a cat cried. Faith thought it sounded sad...like it was alone in the world, and scared, because no one cared about it.
Faith got tired of staring into the darkness after awhile. It made her start thinking about her life, and she didn't want to think about her life. She turned on the television.
The house was cold, even though Faith had two sweaters on. Her mother was behind on their heating bills, but the heat in the D Street projects was never reliable anyway. Faith wrapped a blanket around herself.
Her mother had gone out with her new boyfriend. That was why she had beaten her: her mother's new boyfriend was an old guy with a pot belly and a bald spot and Faith had giggled at him that afternoon. When her mother slapped her for it, Faith started crying, and then she told her mother that it was her birthday and her mother should have been spending the day with her instead of him, and then she ran into her room and came back out with the Nintendo game her mother had bought her as a birthday present, and threw it at her and told her she hated her. Her mother dragged her into her room by the hair and beat her after that, and then she went out.
Faith didn't want to think about it anymore. She watched television. A repeat of Bewitched was on. Faith always wondered how Samantha did that thing with her nose.
The cat cried again. For a second Faith considered finding the cat and taking it in. It sounded afraid, like it needed someone to take care of it. Faith would have liked having a cat to take care of, to feed and keep warm. But she knew her mother wouldn't let her keep it.
Faith's head hurt, everywhere her mother hit her. She had already taken two Excedrin but it still hurt. She tried not to think about it. She watched television. Samantha and her mother were arguing about Darren. Faith was on Samantha's mother's side. Darren was lame. Samantha was pretty, she could do a lot better...
There was a knock on the door.
It wasn't her mother. Her mother would have used the key, and besides, it was too early. Her mother never came home from dates until really late...sometimes she didn't come back until the next day.
Faith went to the peephole, and looked out. She saw a woman standing there. She had long, dark hair, and green eyes...her green eyes seemed to catch the light, somehow. They gleamed like little stars. The woman wore a purple beret to go with her vintage purple tweed wool coat, and she carried a big, bulky leather handbag.
Faith didn't know who the woman was, but she knew she wasn't from around here.
Faith opened the door a crack. She stood behind it, so the woman couldn't see the bruises on her face. Sometimes Social Services sent people over to ask her questions about her mother, and Faith had to lie. But this woman didn't look like them. For one thing, Social Services people didn't wear berets...
The handbag the woman carried smelled strange...like spices.
"Hi, sweetie," the woman said, and smiled down at her. She had big front teeth that made her look like a chipmunk when she smiled.
"Hi," Faith said. She didn't open the door any further. She didn't know what else to say, so she left it at 'hi'.
"I'm Willow," the woman said. "Um...okay, so I know you don't know me. And you really shouldn't ever let strangers in your house, but...um...okay, I probably should've thought this through a little better, but I was in a hurry. I wanna talk to you, sweetie. Is it okay if I come in, and we talk? I know we don't know each other, but..."
"Talk about what?" Faith said, instead of shutting the door in the woman's face, which was what Faith knew she should've done. She didn't know this woman, for all she knew she could be a crazy person. But for some reason, Faith felt like she could trust her. She seemed nice. But Faith didn't open the door any further. Instead, she peeked out from behind the door, and waited, and considered her options...
Willow suddenly stopped smiling.
"You're bleeding," Willow whispered.
Faith touched her nose, just above her lip. She felt her blood. Her nose was bleeding again.
"It's...uh...I tripped," Faith stammered, trying to come up with an excuse. This woman had caught her off-guard, and her lie wasn't as good as usual. "I tripped, and...fell against--"
Willow knelt down in front of her, and looked her in the eyes.
"She hit you, didn't she?" Willow said.
"No one hit me," Faith said, looking down at the floor, and shivering a little, now that the cold was coming in. "I gotta go."
Before Faith could shut the door, Willow took her hand. With her other hand, she gently wiped the blood away from Faith's nose.
"What are you doing...?" Faith whispered, as she felt something...like a warmth, flowing through her...like a caress, in her mind.
"It hurts," Willow whispered. "I'm gonna take the pain away, okay sweetie?"
"You're gonna...what?" Faith said...and then, instantly, the pain was gone. Her nose, her jaw, her left eye, her lip...everywhere her mother had hit her, it didn't hurt anymore. Faith didn't feel any pain whatsoever. All she felt was warmth...she felt warm now, all over. Like she was in her bed, under the blankets...like someone was holding her.
She touched her finger to her nose again. It wasn't bleeding anymore. She touched her lips. They didn't feel swollen anymore.
Willow smiled. "All better," she said.
Faith didn't know why she did it, especially in front of this woman she had never met...
But she cried. She burst into tears and stood there in the doorway, crying, in front of a woman she had known for two minutes.
"C'mere, sweetie," Willow whispered, and held out her arms...
Faith opened the door, and let herself fall into them.
They sat on the cot together, and Willow held Faith in her arms with the blanket wrapped around her, and neither of them said anything for a long time. Bewitched was still playing, but neither of them paid attention. Faith noticed Willow had tears in her eyes, sometimes.
Faith didn't understand why she was doing this. When this woman held her, Faith felt safe...
It just felt right. No one had ever held Faith this way before, and it felt right.
"So what's your name?" Willow eventually said. Faith noticed her smile when she said it, the way people do when they're showing you a card trick and they ask you to pick a card.
"Faith," Faith said. She was curled up against Willow's bosom, and Willow was stroking her hair now. Faith liked the way Willow smelled, and she liked how warm she was, and she liked the way Willow stroked her hair.
"That's a pretty name," Willow said. "Is today your birthday?"
"Yeah. How'd you know?"
"Leftover cake on the coffee table. How old are you?"
"Nine. You want some cake? It's kinda sucky cake, but..."
"Nah, I'm a chocolate girl. Plus cake shouldn't have fruit in it. Kinda defeats the purpose of cake."
"What's up with that weird hat?"
Willow giggled, and took off her beret. "You're just a lil' fashion plate already, aren't you? A lil' nine-year old fashion plate."
"Nobody wears hats like that."
Willow put the beret on Faith's head.
"You're a rebel, sweetie," Willow said.
They laughed...
They ran for more than ten miles in the dark, straight down the highway and back into Sunnydale, straight through downtown, all the way back to Sunnydale High. Buffy never saw Faith behind her, but she felt her, a predator, chasing relentlessly after her like a hungry lion... and sometimes, she saw flashes of light in the distance. She knew they came from the pendant Faith always wore. Buffy had asked her once where she'd gotten it, but Faith had suddenly become coy, and changed the subject.
When Buffy reached the high school, she raced across the lawn, until she came to a tall willow tree. She always liked that tree. It was her favorite spot to sit in between classes, on sunny days. She and Willow used to sit there all the time, and talk...back when they used to talk.
Buffy remembered Xander asked her to the prom under this tree. She told him no. After she rejected him, he asked Willow. Willow didn't talk to him for months after that. She avoided him that entire summer...
Buffy had rejected Xander because Willow was the one she wanted, and Willow had never even noticed. It was funny, she thought, how ridiculous their lives were. Buffy wanted Willow and couldn't have her, and Willow wanted Xander and couldn't have him, and Xander wanted Buffy and couldn't have her. It was like they were all trapped in some sort of absurd play. Buffy never told Willow how she felt...how she had fallen in love with her...
Things had heated up with Angel after that, and Buffy put her feelings for Willow aside. When she was with Angel, Buffy thought maybe she could be a normal girl after all...at least, as normal as a Slayer could be, especially when the aforementioned Slayer was dating a vampire. But at least he was a male vampire. Buffy had thought then that maybe her feelings for Willow were an aberration...that maybe, in this one way at least, she could be normal. The daughter her mother wanted. And things were good for awhile, when she and Angel were together. When Buffy thought about Willow, she didn't cry herself to sleep anymore.
And then Angel lost his soul...
Buffy sat down under the tree, and waited for Faith to catch up to her.
She remembered the way Faith looked, moving to music...
She knew her feelings for Willow weren't an aberration.
"I'm gay," Buffy said.
Tears ran down her cheeks.
"Because my life wasn't fucked up enough, right?" Buffy said. "Because being the Slayer didn't make me enough of a fucking freak."
She caught Faith's scent. It was a beautiful scent...
She waited.
A moment later, Buffy saw her: stalking out of the shadows.
Faith stood there, at the other end of the lawn, watching her. Buffy saw her eyes, glowing golden in the light of the pendant she wore.
As Faith stalked toward her, Buffy wondered how it would go. Would they fight? If they did, she knew Faith would win. She had watched Faith fight, the few times they had patrolled together: she was sure Faith was stronger than her, and she was also sure she was better trained. Faith had moves Buffy had never seen before. She was a better Slayer. She deserved to be the Slayer...she deserved to take it away from Buffy.
Buffy saw herself, bloody, beaten, on the ground underneath Faith, submitting to her...
That woke something in Buffy. Buffy felt a growl, starting in her stomach...
She stood up. Buffy might have wanted to give up, but the Slayer in her didn't...
The Slayer in her wanted to teach this upstart a thing or two.
Growling, Buffy watched Faith approach. The pendant annoyed her. Its light cut through the shadows, took away Buffy's hiding places. She wanted to rip it off Faith...
Faith was sweating. Buffy could smell it, as she approached. And Faith's scent was sweet...
Buffy sprang at her. She leapt thirty feet straight through the air and brought Faith down like a lion bringing down a gazelle...
Faith saw Buffy spring at her. She had a second to dodge, but she didn't. She could have used Buffy's momentum against her, flipped her over her shoulder, but she didn't. Instead, she let Buffy bring her down...
They fell to the grass together. Faith laid beneath Buffy, and didn't struggle.
Buffy snarled down at Faith, pinning one of her wrists and showing Faith her teeth, saliva dripping down her lips. Faith waited. She knew Buffy wanted a fight. She wasn't going to give her one.
If they fought, Faith knew Buffy would lose. So she laid beneath her, and looked her in the eyes, and waited...
Buffy's eyes blazed like two diamonds in the dark.
Buffy roared her challenge. Her saliva dripped on to Faith's face. Faith felt the Slayer inside her, scratching at her, impatient to respond. The Slayer in her wanted to roar back at Buffy, throw her off, fight her. Faith didn't let the Slayer have her way. With her free hand, she caressed Buffy's hair.
Buffy snarled again, and knocked Faith's hand away, scratching it. Faith winced, and bled. The Slayer in her became more insistent. But Faith controlled her. She didn't fight Buffy. She waited.
Faith could hear Buffy's heart pounding. She could smell her sweat. It smelled sweet.
Buffy looked down into Faith's eyes, as they laid together on the grass in the dark, and Faith bled for her. It was a deep scratch, and Faith's blood was dripping down her fingers now.
Buffy took Faith's bleeding hand in hers, and licked the blood from it. She licked the gouge she had made, until it stopped bleeding.
Faith caressed Buffy's hair again. Buffy moved her nose against Faith's neck, just behind her ear, and took in her scent...
Then Buffy looked down into Faith's eyes again.
She pinned Faith's wrists, and held her still. She growled at her.
Buffy kissed her, softly. Faith's lips trembled, when Buffy kissed her.
Faith was wearing red lipstick; her lips tasted like cherries. She smelled like peaches. She was still sweating, and her scent was strong.
Her pussy was wet; Buffy could smell that, too. Buffy felt Faith's scent, physically; it was as if Faith's scent flipped a switch in her.
Buffy kissed Faith again, ferociously now, jamming her tongue into Faith's mouth. Faith whimpered beneath her, a prey animal brought to ground.
Buffy kissed Faith for awhile, holding her down and looking into her eyes the whole time, and luxuriating in her peach scent. She licked Faith's neck, just below her ear where her scent was always strong. She put her teeth on Faith's neck sometimes, and growled at her whenever she did.
Eventually, Faith said, "We gotta...gotta talk, Buffy. A lot of stuff we gotta talk out."
Buffy released Faith's hands. Buffy felt like she was swimming to the surface. The Slayer in her had been in complete control for awhile, but now Buffy felt like she was regaining her equilibrium...swimming back to herself.
"You mean about how I'm a sucky Slayer who gets her friends killed?" Buffy heard herself saying. It sounded strange, for a second, to hear herself talking.
"How about, how you saved the world," Faith said.
"Saved the world. Lost Xander. Lost Willow."
"I'm sorry about Xander, honey. I never got a chance to tell you. I'm sorry."
Tears ran down Buffy's cheeks.
"My fault," Buffy said, her face wet with tears. "He never should've been out there. I got him killed because...because I'm arrogant. Because I'm so fucking full of myself."
"It wasn't your fault, Buffy," Faith said. "You couldn't know--"
Buffy got up, and turned away from her, and hugged herself. Faith got up with her, and put her hand on her shoulder.
"That first night...the night we met, when I was a complete bitch to you?" Buffy said. "You and Rebecca and Willow all went to see Giles after I took off. I called him the next day, just before I went out looking for Kakistos. Giles told me what you guys talked about."
"We talked about Angel," Faith said. "Becca and I didn't understand about Angel then. Becca spent years researching Angelus for the Watchers, she knew him better than anyone. But she didn't know he has his soul now, because he kinda went AWOL for a long time after he got it. Then he pops up here last year but Giles didn't mention him in any of his reports to the Watchers Council, so none of the Watchers knew he was back. Anyway Will and Giles sorta convinced us not to kill him. Actually I think Becca mostly just listened to Will. She trusts Will. Lucky thing, or both me and Will would be dead now."
Buffy still had her back turned to Faith. She still wouldn't face her. Faith put her arms around her waist. Buffy noticed Faith's hands trembled a little, as she did it.
Buffy realized then that Faith was a little afraid of her. That Faith always had been. Buffy thought that was ironic.
"You guys talked about Xander too," Buffy said. "When Willow brought him up, Rebecca couldn't believe I let him come out on patrols with me, some civilian kid with no powers. She thought it's bad enough I bring Willow, but at least Willow knows magic. Xander didn't even know how to throw a punch."
"Yeah," Faith said.
"Giles told me the first thing Rebecca said when Willow brought Xander up was that I should leave him home. It was the first thing she said."
"Yeah," Faith said.
"And now he's dead. Because of me."
"Can I tell you something you don't wanna hear? Something that's gonna sound mean?"
Buffy didn't say anything. She felt Faith's arms around her...she contemplated them. She thought back to the first time Angel had held her...she had felt like she was at the beginning of something, then...a new chapter in her life. She felt like she might be at the beginning of something now...or at the end of something.
"It wasn't your fault Xander died," Faith said. "It was Xander's fault."
Buffy wrenched Faith's hands away from her waist.
"Goodbye," she said, and walked away without looking at her.
Faith ran after her, and grabbed her arm. Buffy whirled around and tried to yank herself away. Faith held on to her.
"Fucking let go of me!" Buffy screamed.
"Not until you hear what I have to say," Faith said. "All of it."
Buffy was looking at her, her eyes filled again with that diamond light...her body was taut, her muscles tensed...like she was about to spring.
Faith stood her ground.
"Or we could fight," Faith said. "I know you're kinda curious about which of us would win. But when the fight's over, we're still gonna talk. I didn't chase you all the way here to just let you walk away. And after all the shit I've been through the past couple months, you owe it to me to hear me out. Stop fucking running from me, Buffy. You've been running from me since I got here."
"Why is it that I always wanna either kiss you or fight you," Buffy said. "Like there's never any middle ground with us."
"Because you never talk to me."
Buffy walked back to the willow tree, and sat down underneath it.
"Talk," she said.
Faith sat down beside her.
"Will told me about how it was with you guys," Faith said. "The Scooby Gang thing. Your first time together, you remember that? The Master was trying to get outta the Hellmouth, he had his vamps collecting people up here for him to snack on."
"I just arrived in town, hoping I could leave all the frigging vamps in L.A.," Buffy said. "Then the Master's goons kidnapped Xander's friend Jessie and I'm off to the races again."
"Yeah. And you told Xander and Will to stay put while you dealt with it. And what happened?"
"Willow did her computer thing, found out some stuff for me. Xander followed me down to the entrance to the Hellmouth."
"And almost got himself killed. You told him to stay out of it and he followed you anyway. And he kept following you after that. It started out because he had a crush on you, he wanted to like, impress you. But then you guys got close, became friends. Even after you rejected him for the prom and he knew he could never be with you that way, you stayed friends. By then he was coming out with you because he wanted to watch your back...because he cared about you. He had balls, and he was always there for you when trouble came, backing you up."
"So did Willow tell you my whole life story?"
"Willow and I are friends, Buffy. We talk about stuff. You're just gonna have to deal with that. It doesn't mean I'm trying to take her away from you."
"Xander was there for Willow too. He wasn't just out there for me. He didn't like Willow being out there with me, he thought it was too dangerous."
"It was too dangerous. It was too dangerous for him. He could've got himself trained up, Giles offered to teach him fighting, weapons, get him in shape. Xander never bothered. You kept telling him how dangerous it was out there, but he never listened. After he got those memories of being like an army guy, he got even worse. He started thinking you needed him. But the truth was, you needed Willow, not Xander. First computers, then magic, you always needed Willow out there. But you never needed Xander out there. He was your friend and you talked to him about stuff and you needed that, it helped you. But you didn't need him out in the field. He should've stayed home and you told him that but he wouldn't ever listen. He kept tagging along, trying to prove himself, trying to find a way to be important when he didn't have any powers, when he didn't think he had anything going for him. But he did have something going for him, he had balls. He just didn't have the discipline to go with them. Giles should've kept him home, he was your Watcher, he was supposed to be running you guys. He should've took Xander aside and told him either get some training, learn a weapon, or he wouldn't let him be out there anymore because he was a distraction to you. Bringing him out there put you at a disadvantage in every single fight and you knew it but you never told Xander because he was your friend and it would hurt his feelings. Giles should've stepped up and told Xander for you. But Giles didn't step up, he left you to deal with it. Eventually you got used to Xander being out there and you figured you could protect him. But Xander died because he was too lazy to learn how to protect himself. The way I see it, Giles and Xander let you down, not the other way around."
"Kakistos broke Xander's neck with one punch. Learning how to fight wouldn't have helped him."
"Learning how to fight isn't just fighting, it's tactics, it's knowing what to do when there's trouble. And knowing when you're outmatched. If Xander got trained up right he would've known he couldn't go around fighting vampires hand to hand. But he was too lazy to bother with training and weapons and he wasn't smart enough to know any better. I'm sorry this is tough for you to hear. But it's the truth, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let you drive yourself over a fucking cliff because you don't wanna hear bad stuff about one of your friends. I gotta be the bitch and say this stuff, then I'll be the bitch. Xander wasn't cut out for what we do. Not because he didn't have powers--Watchers don't have powers either. Xander wasn't cut out for this because he didn't have the temperament for it. He wasn't smart enough or patient enough or disciplined enough. Will told me you and her had a rule when you went out patrolling--trouble hits, Will runs. But Xander never followed that rule. Because he was trying to show off for you. Because he wasn't smart. Our line of work, people like him get killed."
"I guess Miss Perfect Fucking Watcher of yours would've kept Xander home from the start, huh? Because she never makes mistakes."
Faith was quiet for a moment. She took a breath.
"This thing you do," she finally said. "Trying to piss people off, trying to get people to abandon you. It won't work with me, because I know why you're doing it. It makes it easier for you if you can push people away, doesn't it? Because you're always afraid you'll lose people... that they'll die like your first Watcher did, or betray you like Angel did, or maybe just take off like your father did. If they're all gonna leave and you're gonna get hurt, might as well make it quick, right? Might as well not ever let anyone new in."
"How do you know about my father?" Buffy said. "Did Willow tell you that?"
"No. I read your file when Becca and I came out here."
"Great. So you like, know everything about me now? Did Willow tell you about what happened in L.A. last summer?"
"L.A.? What happened in L.A.?"
"Forget it. It's like, the second you came out here, you and Willow were suddenly best friends. She practically lives with you and Rebecca now. It's like you guys are putting together your own Scooby Gang, and Giles and I aren't invited."
"Will and I talk a lot. And yeah, she likes Becca too. Will's got no one else to talk to but us, now that you stopped being her friend."
Buffy's face turned red.
"I didn't...I didn't stop being her friend," Buffy said.
"Bullshit," Faith said.
"I didn't. I just...I just needed...some space."
Faith stood up.
"You cut her loose," Faith said. "The second Xander died you stopped talking to her. You wouldn't even talk to her at Xander's funeral. Yeah, he was your friend, and he died. You knew him for what, a year and a half? Willow knew him since she was five. Did you even think about how she was feeling? No. You just cut her loose and moved on."
Buffy got up.
"You'd be the expert on how Willow feels, right? You've been here two months, you've already taken my best friend! Why did you even come after me? I told you, you can have it all! You can have my best friend, you can be the Slayer, I'm done!"
"You think I took your best friend?" Faith said. "She asked me to invite you to the Bronze Saturday night, even though it was my birthday and I didn't fucking want you there because all you've been is a fucking bitch to me since I got here. But I invited you, because Will wanted you there. But you said no. I didn't take your best friend, you threw her away!"
"SHUT UP!" Buffy screamed, and punched Faith in the face. Buffy was quick; Faith barely even saw the punch coming, and it staggered her. But before Buffy could follow up, Faith grabbed her arms and pinned her against the tree. She held Buffy there, and looked her in the eyes. Buffy struggled against Faith's grip, snarling, but Faith was stronger and they both knew it.
"I'm not here to fight you," Faith said.
As Buffy looked into Faith's eyes, the pendant Faith wore around her neck began glowing brighter, pulsing with light like starbursts. Faith's eyes picked up the light, and reflected it back...Faith's eyes were golden in the dark.
"I'm trying, Buffy," Faith said. "I'm trying and trying and you keep making it harder."
"Fuck you," Buffy snarled, still struggling against Faith's grip. But Faith held her still.
"That first night we met, you were a bitch to me right from the jump," Faith said. "Even before I killed those two professor vamps, you didn't like me. I've been trying to figure it out ever since. Now I think I have. It was Will that started us out so bad, wasn't it? You smelled her on me, and you got jealous. When you found out I saved her life, that made you even more jealous. And now that Will and me are friends, you've been jealous ever since."
Buffy was showing Faith her teeth.
"I don't want to fight you, Buffy," Faith said, and let Buffy's hands go. "I just want--"
Buffy punched her in the face again. Faith stumbled backwards, and fell to the ground.
She sat there. She didn't get up. Buffy stood over her, snarling, ready for a fight, but Faith didn't move. Buffy didn't understand it...
Faith started to cry.
"What the hell are you doing?" Buffy said. "Get up."
Faith shook her head. She sat there under the willow tree, and looked down at the ground, and cried.
Buffy stopped snarling. She felt something, in her stomach...a strange feeling. It was a warm feeling, like lying in front of a fireplace, or being under the covers on a winter morning...or feeling safe in someone's arms. She had felt it once before...the night she and Faith first met.
"Are you...hurt?" Buffy said, and knelt beside her. Faith wouldn't look at her.
"I just wanted you to like me," Faith said, her voice cracking, as her tears rolled down her cheeks. "And you're always...you're always mean to me."
Buffy touched Faith's cheek, where she had punched her. She didn't look hurt...Buffy didn't understand it.
Faith was trying to hide from her now...trying not to let Buffy see her face. Buffy held her still, and looked into her eyes.
"You always treat me like shit!" Faith shrieked at her, as her shoulders shook, and she buried her face in her hands, so Buffy couldn't see her. "You always treat me like shit..."
"I'm...I'm sorry," Buffy whispered. Buffy put her hand on Faith's shoulder. Faith moved away from her.
"You always treat me like shit," Faith said, sniffling now, her voice quavering as she talked. "I just wanted you to like me. I thought...we were gonna be friends, y'know? I used to think about it all the time, back in Boston. I thought we'd be friends. But you always treat me like shit."
In that moment, for the first time since Xander died, Buffy saw things clearly.
For the first time since Xander died, Buffy saw things from a new perspective...someone else's. She stopped thinking about herself, how she was hurting, the terrible burden of the guilt she had been carrying with her, every second. Instead, she thought about someone else...how they might be hurting.
Giles had told her about the attack at the Prudential Building. Kakistos had killed more than twenty people that night. For the first time, Buffy actually considered that. She considered the burden Faith might be carrying...she considered how it must feel, to know that someone had killed twenty people, just to get to you...to know that you couldn't save them.
For the first time since Xander died, Buffy thought of someone other than herself.
"You were always my hero," Faith whispered. "When I was a potential in Boston, Becca told me all about the other Slayers, but you were the only one I ever wanted to hear about. You were my hero. You saved the world, and...you were my hero."
Buffy felt tears running down her cheeks.
"I haven't acted very heroic lately," Buffy said. She kept her hand on Faith's shoulder. But Faith was still hiding her face from her.
"Faith," Buffy whispered. "Look at me. Please?"
Faith looked at her. She was still crying. She was trembling, a little.
Her pendant was pulsing with light again...her eyes were gold again...
Buffy realized that she had never really noticed how beautiful Faith was, before. She had noticed how sexy Faith was...she could hardly stop thinking about it. But she had never noticed how beautiful she was.
"I've been selfish, and I'm sorry," Buffy said. "I know sorry doesn't cover it. I've been a bitch to everyone, I've been so wrapped up in myself I haven't paid attention to anything else. All I can do is promise that it's gonna stop. That I'm gonna start being strong for the people I care about, that I'm gonna start being strong, right now."
Buffy wiped Faith's tears away, and kissed her cheek.
"It's not that I don't like you, Faith," Buffy said. "I just haven't paid attention to you at all. I've hardly noticed you or anybody else, the way I've been up my own ass the past two months. But that's gonna change. It's gonna change, starting now. Okay?"
Faith finally looked at her.
"Do you know, you have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen?" Buffy whispered. "So big and brown...full of light."
"Always wanted blue eyes," Faith whispered. "Everybody else in Southie had blue eyes."
"You were special," Buffy whispered, and kissed her, softly.
Faith's lip was bleeding. Buffy covered it with gentle kisses, until the bleeding stopped.
She stroked Faith's hair, and brought her closer, as they sat on the grass together under the willow tree. Faith was still trembling, but not as badly as before; her trembling became less, as Buffy held her.
"What happened back in Boston, at the Prudential Building, that must have been really hard," Buffy said. "I'm glad you're okay, Faith. I'm glad Rebecca's okay."
"Thanks," Faith whispered.
"How many vamps did Kakistos have with him?" Buffy said.
"Eighteen," Faith said. "Becca and I fought them off, but..."
"People died."
Faith nodded.
"I've been obsessing over Xander and I didn't even think about how you might be feeling, about what happened in Boston," Buffy said. "I'm sorry, Faith. It must have been hard for you, carrying all that around, and I've just been making it harder. I'm sorry."
"That's okay," Faith whispered.
Buffy kissed her hand. Sitting there, holding Faith in her arms, kissing her hand, breathing in her peach scent, Buffy was amazed at how natural it all felt...it felt like something she was meant to be doing all along.
"It's not okay," Buffy said. "It's not okay for me to be selfish, it's not okay for me to hurt people. So I'm not gonna do that anymore. You know Cordy? You remember her, at Xander's funeral? I saw you talking with her."
"Yeah. Will says she's kind of a bitch."
"She is, but she's honest. She's always telling me to get over myself. She's right." Buffy looked down at the grass, and shook her head. "I so incredibly need to get over myself."
Faith wasn't shaking anymore. Buffy hugged her. Faith curled up against her.
"You said before that we never talk," Buffy said. "It's a nice night. Can we just...sit here and talk for awhile?"
"Yeah," Faith said, and smiled.
"You understand why we told you to lie?" Rebecca said, as they drove Gertrude home. There had been some arrangements to make at the hospital; it hadn't taken long. Cassidy's family was from Rhode Island. They would be flying out the next morning. In the meantime, there was nothing else for Gertrude to do, except go home and organize Cassidy's things. They had been roommates. Now Gertrude was alone.
Gertrude hadn't spoken much on the ride home. She sat in the back seat of the jeep, with Willow. Rebecca drove. She noticed Gertrude kept looking out the windows, especially whenever they stopped at a light.
"Yeah," Gertrude said. "I guess the world's not ready to hear about vampires. Actually I'm pretty sure I'm not ready to hear about them either. I mean, they come out at night, right? They could jump out at us like, any second."
"By and large, that's not how it works," Rebecca said. "I know you feel vulnerable right now, Gertrude, everyone does when they first find out how the world really works. But you're safer than you think. The vampire you saw tonight was an exception to the rule. And the rule is, vampires try to keep a low profile. They congregate in cemeteries and sewers and abandoned houses, places off the beaten path and shielded from the sun. They attack people when they're alone and far from help. They almost never attack people in public and they almost never try to get in to people's houses. They won't jump out at us while we're driving, and they won't go out of their way to attack you in public. Look at it from their perspective. The whole world is their hunting ground and all the people in it are their prey. Why should they make things harder on themselves by killing people in public places and drawing attention to what they are, when there will always be some poor chap wandering alone at night in a dark alley? Spike went after Buffy at the bar because she's a Slayer and they had a history together. He wouldn't have gone there just to attack a civilian."
"And think about this," Willow said. "This was the first time in your life you ever saw a vampire attack. That's because almost no one ever sees a vampire attack. Vamps are real particular about their victims, they try to catch them alone. Like Becca said, they try to keep it on the down-low."
Gertrude smiled. "Did you just say, 'on the down-low'?"
"Sure," Willow said. "I'm cool. I have street cred."
"'Street cred'?"
"Um...I totally don't have street cred, do I?"
"No. But you're cute as hell. That's gotta count for something. So, Buffy and Faith are Slayers, and it's their job to like, kill vampires and save the world. Tough gig."
"Not so easy being the support team either," Willow said.
Gertrude lived in an apartment building about ten minutes away from the bar. When Rebecca pulled up in front of it, Gertrude thanked Rebecca, and then she asked Willow to walk her to her door. When Willow saw Gertrude by the light of the streetlamp, her red eyes were more obvious. Gertrude had spent most of her time at the hospital crying. Now she seemed spent. And when she talked, she hardly spoke above a whisper...as if she had been drained of all her energy...all her spirit.
"You guys got a number I can reach Buffy at?" Gertrude said. "I wanna thank her."
"Yeah," Willow said. "Gimme your cell phone again, I'll hook you up."
Gertrude dug her cell phone out of her purse, and handed it to Willow.
"Cassidy wanted to watch Ally McBeal," Gertrude said.
"What?" Willow said.
"She didn't want to go to that bar. It's Monday, Ally McBeal's on. She wanted to just stay home and watch TV. I dragged her to the bar."
"Sweetie," Willow said, and took Gertrude's hand. "Feeling guilty's not...it's not gonna help. You know this wasn't your fault."
"I know. It's just...one tiny little thing, y'know? One tiny little thing can decide our lives. One tiny little decision about something that doesn't matter can determine if you live or die. If we stayed home and watched TV. If we went to some other bar instead."
"Yeah," Willow said, as she entered Buffy's phone number into Gertrude's cell phone. Then she remembered Rebecca had bought a cell phone for Buffy too, but Faith hadn't had a chance to give it to her yet. Willow took out her own cell phone, found the number for Buffy's cell phone, and entered that number into Gertrude's phone too. "I try not to think about that stuff. I always end up, y'know, with the brownies and the ice cream and the gaining five pounds. So look, I know me and Becca have asked you like nineteen times? Let's make it an even twenty. Are you sure you don't wanna come back with us to Becca's place? It's a big place, right on the beach, plenty of room. And...I don't think you should be alone tonight."
"I have like, a process, when stuff happens that blows my mind," Gertrude said. "I need to be alone and listen to the Cure and drink red wine and write bleak, soulful poetry in my diary about how life is just unremitting cruelty and love is an illusion."
"Um...okay, well...um...I guess that sounds like a plan too," Willow said.
Gertrude grinned.
"And you're completely kidding me right now, aren't you?" Willow said.
"Believing goth stereotypes," Gertrude said, shaking her head. "Sad. You're being like, totally culturally insensitive to me."
"So what are you really gonna do tonight?"
"Brownies. Ice cream. Probably more crying. I need to think about Cassidy. We weren't friends for too long, we've only been roommates since September, but...I liked her. Her parents will have a wake for her and stuff, but...me, alone, looking through her photo album and just... remembering her. That's the wake I'm gonna have for her. That's how I'm gonna celebrate her life. And actually I'm thinking it's gonna be an Irish wake 'cuz, boy, am I gettin' smashed. But I'm gonna call you guys some time. I'm thinking I'll probably just staple myself to one of you so I don't have to be scared shitless just to walk out my frigging door at night. That sound okay? Having me stapled to you for the rest of your life might get awkward, like when you have to go to the bathroom or whatever, but..."
"Maybe you can scotch tape yourself to me?" Willow said. "Staples sound painful."
Gertrude nodded, and hugged her.
"Thank you, for..." Gertrude whispered, and started to cry. "I mean, you guys saved my life, and...oh crap, and here comes the crying again."
"We've all done our share of crying, Gerty," Willow said.
"If I'm gonna live in this new creepy freaky world of vampires and Slayers and magic and I'm gonna be crying all the time I should probably stop wearing the black mascara. I need to be alone tonight, Willow. With all this stuff you guys told me about vampires and demons, I need to be alone to prove to myself that I'm not afraid to be alone. Does that...make sense?"
"Yeah," Willow said. "Makes perfect sense. But when you've proved it to yourself, gimme a call, okay?"
"Yeah. So L.A.'s really like the demon capital of the world? Rebecca said the demons are like, all loud and proud out there. That they don't hide out there like they do everywhere else."
"I haven't really been to L.A. but I've heard stories. It's sort of a demon town, they have like, an understanding with the authorities out there. The demons out there have like their little turf wars with each other but they don't hurt human beings. They're too interested in making money off us at all the clubs and casinos they run."
"Cassidy's totally from Rhode Island and she used to say we're all freaks out here."
"Pretty much."
"Okay, so, I'm gonna go get all emo now," Gertrude said. "Drunk emo. But...that girl, the other Slayer...Faith? You want some completely nosey, completely unsolicited advice?"
"Um...advice?" Willow said.
"You should tell her how you feel," Gertrude said.
They sat together on the cot under the blanket, and Willow held Faith to her bosom, and kept her warm. Faith wore Willow's purple beret hat.
"Guess what?" Willow said. "It just so happens I brought you a birthday present."
Faith had nearly drifted off to sleep in Willow's arms, but that got her attention. "You did? But how did you know it's my birthday?"
Something happened then, and Faith wasn't sure exactly what it was. She thought that some time had passed...she felt like she had fallen asleep, and was just waking up now. She thought Willow had said things to her...she heard the words, echoing in her mind. She was wearing a golden necklace around her neck now, with a beautiful crystal pendant hanging from it, and she knew that she should never take it off. She knew that the necklace would be invisible whenever she wasn't alone, so that no one would steal it, and her mother wouldn't try to take it from her and sell it.
When Faith looked up, Willow was smiling, and stroking her hair again..
"Your mother will never hit you again," Willow said. "I won't let her."
Willow took the crystal in her hand, and held it up so Faith could see. It blazed to life, when Willow touched it. It was as if Willow held the sun in her hand...
"This will always protect you," Willow said. "It connects us."
A car pulled up. The sound snapped Faith back to reality like someone had thrown ice water in her face. She leapt out of Willow's lap, afraid.
Willow took her in her arms again. Faith was trembling now.
"It's okay, sweetie," Willow said. "I'm gonna make it all better, okay? You're tired. I want you to go in your mother's room and go to sleep."
The moment Willow said that, Faith felt tired...in fact she felt exhausted.
Willow looked Faith in the eyes, and caressed her cheek.
"I love you," Willow whispered. "You're a special girl, Faith. And you're a strong girl, too. You just have to hold on. I know you're strong enough to hold on..."
Faith saw tears in Willow's eyes again.
"You're my special girl," Willow whispered, and kissed her forehead. "Someday we'll find each other again."
Faith realized she was crying too, now...
Willow smiled, and wiped her tears away.
"Go to sleep now, sweetie," Willow said.
Faith scampered off the cot and through the bead curtains, into her mother's room. She yawned. She felt sleep overtaking her, but she resisted the urge to throw herself down on the bed, and she stood behind the bead curtain instead, and peeked out...
"Who the fuck are you?!" her mother said, jumping with fright when she opened the door and saw Willow standing there. "How the fuck did you get in here?"
"Tell your boyfriend to leave, Janet," Willow said. "You and I need to talk."
"I got this," her mother's boyfriend said, pushing his way into the house and grabbing Willow by the collar. Faith gasped. She was about to run to Willow...
"I said leave," Willow said...
And then Faith saw the man fly back out the door and into the courtyard like he had been caught in a tornado. She heard him slam into the chain link fence at the other end of the courtyard, and then she heard him hit the pavement, hard. She didn't hear him get back up.
Janet screamed, and tried to run out the door. But the door slammed in her face, even though no one touched it. Then Janet went flying across the room on to the recliner, as if Willow had thrown her. But Faith didn't see Willow move.
When Willow turned and looked at Janet, Faith got a glimpse of Willow's eyes...
They were pure black.
Faith whimpered when she saw those eyes, and she ran to her mother's bed, and hid under the covers. She still felt tired, even as she laid there trembling. But as she drifted off to sleep, she could hear Willow talking to her mother...Willow was whispering, but Faith caught some of the words...
"You've been hitting your daughter," she heard Willow saying. "That's gonna stop. It's gonna stop today."
And then Faith heard her mother whimper, the same way she herself had whimpered a moment before, when she saw Willow's black eyes...
"You're not going on any more dates while Faith's living in this house," Faith heard Willow say. "No more men. No more spreading your legs for every guy who comes along. Faith doesn't need to see her mother putting out like a fucking slut. And if you EVER hurt her again..."
Willow lowered her voice, then. Faith couldn't hear what she said next. But she heard her mother whimpering, when Willow whispered to her...and after that, she heard her mother make a little stifled scream, as if she was in pain.
"You're bombed, you're not gonna remember me too well, but you're gonna remember not to ever hurt Faith again," Faith heard Willow saying. "You're gonna remember what happens to you if you ever hurt her again. You think this was pain? This was a kiss on the cheek. If I have to come back here I'll show you what pain is. I'll make you wish you were never born."
Faith fell asleep, trembling...
A few hours later, she woke up, and saw Willow sitting on the bed next to her in the dark. But there was a light...a golden light, coming from somewhere... Willow's eyes were green now, and that beautiful golden light was shining in them...
"Hi, sweetie," Willow whispered.
Willow smiled, and stroked Faith's hair.
"You don't ever have to be scared of me," Willow whispered. "Okay?"
Faith nodded. When she looked up at Willow then, and saw that beautiful light in her eyes, she wasn't scared anymore.
"Your mother will never hit you again," Willow said. "You don't have to be scared of that either. Okay?"
Faith nodded again.
Willow kissed her forehead, and Faith felt sleep overtaking her again...she felt like she was drifting away...
"I love you, Faith," Willow whispered. "You're my special girl."
When Faith opened her eyes again, she saw the sun shining in through the window, and she wondered if the previous night had been a dream...
Then she realized she was still wearing the purple beret.
She took it off, and looked at it. She had thought it was goofy the night before, but now she thought it was pretty. She held it to her nose. It smelled like Willow.
She put it back on, and stood up, yawning, and looked in the mirror. She adjusted the beret on her head. It was a little big. But when she wore it at an angle it looked just right.
She saw that the necklace was still around her neck. The crystal shimmered like a golden sunrise...
Her mother plodded into the room, looking haggard and jumpy, her head bowed like a beaten dog. And she had been drinking; Faith could smell it all over her.
"Makin' breakfast," Janet mumbled. "Want eggs?"
"Yeah," Faith said. When she looked in the mirror again, the necklace wasn't there anymore.
She held her hand to her chest. She felt the necklace, in her hand...she just couldn't see it.
"What the hell is that goofy hat you got on?" Janet said.
"It's mine," Faith said. "Bought it for myself for my birthday."
"You look like a fuckin' clown in that thing. You steal it?"
"No. I saved up for it myself. I think it's pretty."
Janet shrugged her shoulders. "Long as you didn't steal it, I don't give a shit what you wear. We better not get no cops comin' round or I'll--"
Janet's face suddenly looked pale.
"I mean...there just...better not be no cops comin' round, that's all," Janet mumbled.
"How'd it go with the guy?" Faith said. "Bald spot dude."
"Dumped him."
They walked into the tiny little kitchen together. Faith still wore the beret. She sat down at the table, and her mother heated up the frying pan and took butter and eggs from the refrigerator.
"What happened to my father?" Faith said.
"Told you a thousand times," Janet said. "He died in Viet Nam. Savin' people's lives in the war. They gave him a medal, whadayacallit...the purple heart. Thieves stole it when they broke into the house looking for jewelry. You were just a baby."
"Yeah, heard it before," Faith said. "Great story. Except you're lying."
Janet put butter in the frying pan, and took out two eggs.
"Scrambled, or sunny side up?" Janet said.
"Sunny side," Faith said.
"You gonna ever take that goofy hat off?" Janet said.
"Nope," Faith said. "I like it."
They didn't say anything else. When the eggs were done, they ate breakfast together in silence.
Faith's mother never hit her again.
"How come even though I've been a Slayer like three times as long as you, you still have all the best stories?" Buffy said, and put her feet up on the long wooden table, and looked around the library in the dark. They hadn't turned on the lights, and only the streetlamp in the parking lot outside mitigated the darkness. They both preferred it that way...they were Slayers, and they liked experiencing the world through their noses. Buffy looked around at the stacks of books looming up out of the shadows all around her...and thought of Giles, and Xander...and Willow. In a way, these books, this room, were a sort of record of her life, Buffy thought. More than her house, this room had been her home. The people who spent time here with her were her family.
There were ghosts, living in here...ghosts of the people they had been.
Buffy looked over at Faith, sitting next to her, eating chocolate ice cream out of a one-gallon tub with a plastic spoon. She seemed shy, now...almost nervous. Like she was sitting in a stranger's house.
They had laid together under the willow tree for hours, just talking...telling each other stories. Buffy couldn't believe how quickly the time had passed. But then it had started getting cold, so they got up, and tried to figure out where to go next. Neither of them had wanted to go home yet...they didn't want the night to end. And then Faith had said she wanted Buffy to take her out for ice cream. Faith was from Boston, and apparently people from Boston liked ice cream all the time, even when it was cold. The problem was, it was past midnight on a Monday and all the ice cream places would be closed. But that wouldn't stop a Slayer.
"My girlfriend wants ice cream, my girlfriend's gonna get ice cream," Buffy had said, and picked Faith up in her arms and kissed her, and broke into the school. It was warm in there, and the cafeteria had ice cream...
Buffy had carried Faith in her arms as she padded barefoot through the dark hallways toward the cafeteria, and Faith had giggled the whole time. The sound was discordant, in there. In that place where Buffy had fought vampires...where she had seen people die...Faith's giggles cavorted up and down the dark, silent corridors like a sudden shift in the wind. Like a cold breeze roaring in from the ocean on a stifling summer day, the sound of Faith's laughter banished the oppressive pall that hung over the school, and left the place changed. As she carried Faith down the corridors, Buffy felt like the world was shifting beneath her feet...like her whole life was changing...like every step carried her a little further into a new world...
They made their way to the cafeteria, and Buffy found ice cream in the freezer behind the counter down there--vanilla for her, chocolate for Faith. And then they went to the library together to eat it. Buffy carried Faith there, and Faith giggled again.
And now they were sitting in the library in the dark, eating ice cream together and telling stories, but Faith seemed shy. She wasn't giggling anymore. Buffy had her feet up on the table, but Faith sat with her hands folded in her lap.
"More like, I got the goofiest stories," Faith said, and looked around the room with her, at the stacks of books looming up out of the darkness. They seemed intimidating. The whole room seemed intimidating to her, for some reason. Buffy had saved the world in this room. Buffy, and Willow, and Giles...and Xander. They were a team...Faith wasn't part of what they had. Faith felt like an intruder in there. And she realized she was letting things go too fast, with Buffy. She needed to slow it down...
"The one where Rebecca found out the bank president was a vampire but you couldn't figure out a way to get to him, and then finally Rebecca just made an appointment to open a huge bank account and you staked him in his office, you weren't making that up?" Buffy said.
"Nope," Faith said. "Guy was a big shot, he had like, private security around him all the time, at his job, at his place out in Marblehead. Goin' straight at him would've meant fightin' a lot of guys with guns. But when Becca was like, I wanna open an account for ten million bucks please, that got her an appointment pretty quick."
"How about the one where you had to pretend to be a groupie to stake the vamp guitarist, you weren't making that up?" Buffy said.
"Nope," Faith said. "I was all undercover like, groupie tramp girl. Then out come the bodacious ta-ta's."
"You didn't even make up the part about his giant penis?"
Faith grinned. "Nope. Don't tell Becca though. She likes me bein' a good girl."
Buffy giggled. "Are you trying to make me jealous?"
"Is it working?"
"Totally. That does it, I'm stealing all your ice cream."
"You better not," Faith said, and giggled like a little girl, and grabbed her tub of ice cream and held it against her chest.
"Can I have a taste then, baby?" Buffy said.
Faith nodded, and took a spoonful of chocolate ice cream, and held it out to Buffy. Buffy ate it off her spoon.
"Not bad," Buffy said.
"How come you like vanilla?" Faith said. "Vanilla's boring."
"Boring, huh? You sure?"
"Chocolate's where it's at."
Buffy took a spoonful of vanilla, and licked some of it off, and held it in her mouth, on her tongue.
She leaned close to Faith, and kissed her...their tongues caressed, and the ice cream melted in their mouths.
"See, baby?" Buffy whispered, and smiled a sexy smile. "Vanilla's not so boring."
"I'm seein' vanilla in a whole new light," Faith whispered.
They looked into each other's eyes. At that moment, they both knew they would make love soon. It seemed inevitable, somehow...like they were traveling down a path that had been prepared for them.
"This...this has been nice, tonight," Buffy said, and leaned her head on Faith's shoulder. "Being with you tonight...it's been nice."
Faith nodded, and put her arm around her. She needed to slow this down...she felt like she was losing herself...like she was being pulled out to sea.
"It's like...you're the first person I've ever really been able to talk to," Buffy said. "Will, Xander, Giles...they know about this stuff but they don't...I don't know, I don't wanna act like it's all about me, that's not what I mean. It's just..."
"Burden's not on them," Faith said. "Burden's on you. On us. They help, they risk their lives, but they volunteered for this. Will, Giles, even Becca, they all volunteered. You and me never had a choice. They can walk away if they want, they can like, retire. But we never can."
"Yeah. Even Angel couldn't really understand. But you...I can talk to you. I wish I hadn't been so stubborn and stupid before. I wish I had been smart enough to see what was right in front of me...the special girl right in front of me."
"We found the middle ground tonight," Faith said.
"Yeah," Buffy said. "It doesn't have to be just fighting and kissing. Talking with you... just hanging out, telling lame jokes, telling stories, laughing? This is the best date I've ever been on in my life. I don't want to push this, to make it physical before we're ready, because it's so much more than just that...you're so much more than that to me. Um...plus there's the slightly awkward fact that I've never been with a girl and, kinda got no idea what to do. But...I want to be with you, Faith. I want to..."
"Yeah," Faith said.
"Tonight, how we've been just talking, just...getting to know you," Buffy said. "There's a lot we still don't know about each other, but...I can tell, already, that you're really special."
Buffy kissed Faith's hand.
"You're my special girl," Buffy whispered.
"Willow..." Faith whispered.
Then she caught herself.
"Willow's...gonna be waitin' for us at my place with Becca, Becca wants to talk with all of us," Faith whispered.
"I don't want tonight to end," Buffy whispered.
Faith stood up, and walked away from her.
"Guys...everybody I ever dated...they all saw one thing, when they looked at me," Faith said. "That's why this middle ground we found tonight is so important to me, Buffy. That's why just talkin' and jokin' and hangin' out and eating ice cream is so important to me. The way those guys looked at me, like I was a piece of meat, I don't ever wanna be looked at that way again."
"I wouldn't ever think of you that way, Faith," Buffy said.
"I know you like girls," Faith said. "I don't think I'm as far over in that direction as you, but...I like some girls. I like you. And I know you like me, I know you want me...you wanna sleep with me. And I wanna sleep with you. I'm so revved up right now I could jump you right here. But we can't do that tonight, Buffy. I can't...I can't be that way anymore. We gotta wait."
"I don't want you to have to be that way, baby," Buffy said. "I like hanging out with you. I like how you make me laugh with your goofy stories. I like eating ice cream with you. I want us to always have that. Always, Faith."
Faith started to cry. Buffy leapt out of her chair, and hugged her.
"What's wrong?" Buffy said. "Tell me what's wrong."
"Guys I dated always used me," Faith said. "They treated me like a hooker. So once I was with Becca, I stopped going out with guys, I went cold turkey. I didn't want to be that person anymore, that person who gets used. I wanted Becca to be proud of me. Then I met this one guy...Evan. He was the DJ at the club I liked to dance at. We were friends for a long time, and he was the only guy in my life who didn't treat me like a fucking blow-up doll. Toward the end we were kissing and stuff, but...then Kakistos came, and I had to leave. And I can't ever be with him now. What we do is too dangerous. I can't...I can't ever let Evan be part of it."
Faith took Buffy's arms off of her, and walked away again. Then she turned, and watched Buffy from the shadows...as if she was hiding from her.
"I don't trust people easy, Buffy," Faith said. "I want you, I want this. I wanna explore this, see where it goes. But people never saw past my tits and my ass and now I'm kinda gun shy. I don't wanna be just some chick with a hot body. I want someone who loves me for me, the way Evan did. Someone who wants to take care of me, not just lay me. I want you, Buffy, I want you like crazy, but I don't really know you yet. I don't know you and...I never really had anything like this and...I'm kind of afraid a little. You want this to work, you think I'm important enough to put in the work, then it'll take time. Lots of talks. Lots of ice cream and tellin' stories. But if you just want a fling, I'm not interested. I've had flings, one night stands, all that shit. I'm done with that."
Buffy approached her, slowly, as if she was afraid Faith might run away. Buffy could hear Faith's heart beating from halfway across the room.
Faith hid from her, in the shadows. As Buffy approached, Faith moved a little further back into the stacks. But Buffy sought her out...hunted her...captured her.
"You're worth the wait, Faith," Buffy said, and smiled, and caressed her cheek. "And hey, can't say no to ice cream."
Faith was nervous...Buffy could smell it on her. Faith kept looking away from her...kept hiding her eyes. And her pendant wasn't shining anymore...as if the pendant wanted to hide Faith from her too. Usually it was bright, even when it wasn't pulsing with light, but now it was so dark it looked like a piece of obsidian stone.
"I'm afraid too," Buffy whispered. "Remember how I've never been with a girl? How about we be afraid together, okay? We'll just be two scaredy cats. Sound good?"
Faith hugged her.
"I'm...I'm a scaredy cat," Faith whispered.
"Me too," Buffy whispered back.
Willow and Rebecca sat together on the antique Victorian couch in the living room, and drank coffee, and waited. Willow had turned the television on, to CNN, but she kept it low. President Gingrich was talking about family values again. The stock market was up. Hillary Clinton was thinking about running for the Senate in 2000. The Lakers had beaten the Celtics in a double overtime game and people in Boston thought the sky was falling. An Islamic terrorist named Bin Laden had co-signed a statement that declared North Americans to be fair targets in the "ongoing fatwa against Jews and Crusaders". The world was still here...for better or worse.
"How long's it been?" Willow said, and yawned. "Think maybe they ran into some kinda situation? Maybe like, a vamp nest?"
"I think they have a lot to talk about," Rebecca said.
"Faith and B," Willow said. "They kinda don't do too good when they talk. Thinkin' maybe those two are a lost cause. B's so stubborn, it's like Faith's just bangin' her head against a damn wall."
Rebecca was looking at her now. Rebecca's stare was even worse than Faith's. Whenever Rebecca stared at her, Willow always thought of the end of The Wizard of Oz. She always felt like she was melting into a little puddle on the floor.
"There's something I want to talk to you about," Rebecca said.
"Uh...sure, shoot," Willow said. "What's up?"
"You've been talking like Faith," Rebecca said. "Not just the words she would use, but even her accent. And this isn't the first time it's happened. It started on Faith's birthday. Ever since Faith's birthday, there have been moments when you seem to...change. Tell me what's going on."
"There's still some stuff we gotta talk out," Faith said.
"I know," Buffy said. "So let's talk it out."
They were still holding each other. Faith broke the embrace, and walked away from her.
As Buffy watched her walk away, she wondered if she would always have to chase her.
She wondered if she would ever really be able to have all of Faith, or if part of her would always be walking away...
Faith walked to Giles' desk, and sat on top of it.
"The night we met, you and me were like oil and water," Faith said. "You didn't like me. I think it was because of Willow. You smelled her on me and you got jealous. But you weren't just jealous that I saved her life, you weren't just jealous that she was my friend too now. It was more than that. You have a thing for her, don't you? You want her the way you want me."
"Loved her from the day I met her," Buffy said, and came out of the shadows, and hopped up next to Faith on the desk. "But she doesn't like girls. I can't ever have her that way."
"She doesn't know," Faith said. "She doesn't know you feel that way about her. She still has no idea why you and me got off to such a rough start. She's got no idea it was her."
"You gonna be weird about this? You have that Evan guy in Boston, I have Willow. We both have...people we can't be with. Loves that aren't...that aren't meant to be."
For a second, Faith was back in the D Street Projects...sitting on the cot in the cold little parlor, under the blanket...but Faith was warm, because Willow was holding her in her arms...
I love you, she remembered Willow whispering...Faith remembered it with perfect clarity. You're my special girl. Someday we'll find each other again.
"I told you, that ship's sailed anyway," Buffy said. "I know Willow doesn't want me like that and I made my peace with it a long time ago. It was hard for me for a long time, especially since I was like, completely in denial about myself. But I can't be in denial anymore. With Willow, I was able to convince myself that maybe...maybe she was the one girl in the world I could feel this way about. And then I met Angel, and I loved him, and that helped...it made me think, maybe I could be normal. But now Angel and I are finished, and you...every time I look at you, every time I kiss you, I know what I am. I'm gay, Faith. You're maybe bi or experimenting or whatever but I'm gay. I realized it tonight...I accepted it tonight. I meant what I said about how I'm gonna get my shit together, how I'm gonna try to be strong from now on. Part of being strong is just dealing instead of running away from stuff. So I'm dealing with this. I'm gay. But Willow's straight, and if she finds out how I feel about her it'll make things...awkward. So...I don't want her to know. Okay?"
"Yeah. But you and her have work to do. You can't just pick up where you left off, Buffy. You hurt her real bad, the way you've been acting since Xander died. Right now, Willow feels like you don't wanna be her friend, and it's gonna take some work for you to fix that. You gonna put in the work? Or are you just gonna leave her hanging out there?"
Faith's pendant started glowing again, gaining power every second now, like a rising sun. Faith sat in a halo of golden light.
"I'm gonna put in the work," Buffy said.
Faith nodded.
"If I said no, you would've dumped me, wouldn't you?" Buffy said. "You would've broken it off with me right here, right now."
"Yup," Faith said.
"You two...it's like you've gotten super close just in two months," Buffy said. "It's like you were close even on that first night..."
"Willow's in my heart, Buffy," Faith said. "She's real important to me and she always will be."
Buffy nodded. They sat there, looking out into the shadows.
"Ask the question," Faith said. "You've been wanting to ask since the night we first met, when you smelled her on me. So ask the question."
"I don't...have the right to ask," Buffy said. "It's...none of my business."
"Thought we were gonna be dating," Faith said. "Doesn't that make it your business?"
"Are we a committed couple now all of a sudden?" Buffy said. "We've been on one date. And it's been an awesome date, but...until we both decide that we're just gonna only see each other, until we have that talk..."
"Ask the question."
Buffy picked up the little stamp Giles used on the rare occasions when someone actually borrowed a book. It was a date stamp. Giles was meticulous about details; he always changed it to the current date, every day, even though he hardly ever used it.
The stamp said November 13, 1998.
That was Friday's date...but today was Monday, and Buffy knew Giles had been at school today. Buffy had skipped school today, but she had called the library and checked in. Giles was there. And every single day he was there, without fail, he adjusted the date on the stamp. It was always the first thing he did, right before he made coffee. Every day, without fail. It was part of his routine, and Giles always stuck to his routine...
The stamp should have said November 16, 1998. Giles hadn't adjusted the date.
It was a little thing, but little things were important to Giles...he was always meticulous...
Buffy filed the thought away. She had other things on her mind right now.
She looked at Faith. Faith was still looking out into the shadows.
"Have you slept with Willow?" Buffy said.
"No," Faith said.
"Do you want to?" Buffy said.
Faith paused before she answered, as if she was considering her answer carefully.
"Will likes guys, you said it yourself," Faith said. "When you smelled her on me that night, it was because I held her for a long time. After those vamps almost did what they did to her, she started getting panicky, crying and shaking, and I held her until she felt safe."
"Okay, so we've definitely determined that I'm a big dumb jealous moron," Buffy said.
"If you knew she only liked guys, why did you think she slept with me?" Faith said.
"Remember the moron part?" Buffy said. "So...you guys are close, huh?"
"Willow's important to me, Buffy. That's just how it is. I don't like how you hurt her and I need you to fix it. And Will and I spend time together, and we always will. You got a problem with any of that, tell me now, 'cuz it's a deal breaker."
Willow took a big gulp of coffee. She would have preferred a Cosmopolitan. Vodka would have helped her nerves, right then.
"Um...I...um...I have Faith's memories," Willow mumbled.
"Faith's memories?" Rebecca said.
"Saturday night, when I did the spell to go into Faith's head and figure out how bad she was hurt...something went wrong."
Rebecca put her hand on Willow's shoulder, and looked her in the eyes. Willow knew this look. Faith had seen it a lot. It was Rebecca's you better not be playing games with me, young lady look.
"Went wrong?" Rebecca said. "Wrong how?"
Willow looked up at Rebecca, then.
"Except I haven't yet," Willow said. "I know you know, I know Faith told you. The night you guys saved me in the alley, Faith told you I was the one who gave her the necklace. But it's something I do in the future. I have Faith's memory of that night, the night I gave her the necklace...I saw it through Faith's eyes. Saw me through her eyes. I was older than I am now, maybe like ten years older. Somehow I traveled back in time, and found Faith when she was nine. The necklace is magical, that's obvious. It has power...a lot of power. But I'm not sure what it's supposed to do...what it means."
"It protects her," Rebecca said. "The night I found her, when those vampires attacked her, you remember that? You remember it clearly?"
"Yeah."
"One of the vampires tried to rip it off her, remember? They couldn't see it, the necklace was always invisible whenever she wasn't alone, it didn't stop doing that until she met me. But the vampires felt it around her neck, and they sensed its power. One of them tried to rip it off..."
"He burned to death," Willow said. "The second he touched it, he burst into flames."
"That necklace belongs to Faith," Rebecca said. "And it won't suffer itself to be taken from her. I was able to find Faith that night, because it led me to her."
"I remember...it sent out like, this giant burst of light straight up into the sky, like a mini Bat-Signal or something."
"Like a what?"
"Um, forget it. I read too many of Xander's comics. It sent a light up into the sky like a beacon...I think because the necklace knew you were nearby."
"Yes. I followed the light, and it led me to her. I think the necklace was waiting for me... waiting for that night. Because the Willow who made it was from the future, and she knew how our lives were supposed to go. Once I convinced Faith to move out of her mother's house and come stay with me, the necklace stopped being invisible...because Faith is safe now. Because that other Willow knew Faith would be safe, once she was with me. Faith's my girl."
Willow smiled. "Yeah," she said. "I'm safe with you."
Then she caught herself. She blushed, and looked down at the floor.
"Um...um...I mean...I mean, Faith's safe with you," Willow whispered.
Rebecca took her hand.
"You're my girl too, Willow," Rebecca said. "All right?"
Willow nodded, and smiled.
"Things just got awkward, didn't they?" Buffy said. "Everything was sort of rolling along and now...things feel awkward."
"Yeah," Faith said.
"Because you're pissed at me," Buffy said. "You've been pissed at me for a long time now...and not just because I've treated you like shit. Because I treated Willow like shit."
"Yeah," Faith said. "You haven't spent time with her, you don't know how bad it hurt her, the way you've been acting. You were her best friend. You guys went through the wars together. Then you walked away."
"I'm gonna fix it. If...if it can be fixed."
"It's gonna take time. She's real pissed at you. She might not let you in at first. I need you to keep trying, okay?"
Buffy nodded, and looked down at the floor.
"I was...so frigging arrogant," Buffy said. "I thought...that I'm the only one who feels this stuff, that I'm the only one who's out there taking the hits, when Willow and Giles and Xander were getting hurt too. The only difference was, they never bitched about it the way I did. So I just thought...I guess I just thought...they were okay. And that they couldn't understand anyway. It was easier just to ignore them sometimes. It was easier just to be alone sometimes. After Xander...it was easier for me to just be alone. I was always so fucking full of myself."
Faith took her hand.
"Being the Slayer kinda screwed you up," Faith said. "You're not full of yourself, Buffy. I mean, you really are separate from everyone else. You save the world and you've got responsibilities regular people can't imagine. Yeah, Will and Xander and Giles were always right there with you but at the end of the day it was still really on your shoulders. You never liked it but you accepted it, you got used to it eventually. And now it's just kinda who you are. You're Buffy and you save the world and you know it, you know you're really important. And you gotta think about life and death all the time, you gotta think like a general because you're in a war. You gotta lead all the time. And the one big thing that separates you and me from everyone else, we got a time limit and we know it. Slayers die young. All that stuff, it screwed you up. It changed you. Made you a little..."
"Cold," Buffy said. "When people might die any second, you...you don't let them in as much. I didn't start out this way. For awhile there, it was good, y'know? Me, Will, Xander and Giles...the Scooby Gang. It was fun. But then...Angel lost his soul and...he killed Jenny Calendar, and all those little kids...and...everything was different after that. I had to send him to that hell dimension. I loved him, Faith. I loved him so much, and then I had to kill him. And then...he had to make it even harder for me by coming back."
"And then he told you how he did that thing to Will. Will never told anyone that."
Buffy shook her head. "She never told me, I don't know why. I tried to kill him again when he told me, but...I couldn't make myself do it. Maybe I should've done it."
"If you killed him, he doesn't save us from those wolf vamps at the Bronze, and Will and me would both be dead now. Plus he saved all you guys a bunch of times before. Not saying he's got a clean slate with me. He's complicated. It's one of the things Becca wants to talk to us about. We gotta figure out what to do about him."
"I told him I want him gone. After he told me what he did to Willow, I told him I want him gone once all this Key stuff is over with. He said he's gonna go to L.A."
"That'll help. Not so far away that we can't give him a call if we need him, but far enough so that you and Will don't have to deal with him every day."
They sat there, in the dark. It was still awkward. It hadn't been, before. Now they both realized this would be hard...it would take work.
Buffy felt like Willow was sitting right there between them...
"Leaving aside me and you for a minute," Faith said. "Becca and I don't like how things are right now, like, two separate groups not working together. We want there to be one group."
"Like a new Scooby Gang?" Buffy said.
"A new gang. It's more efficient, we're stronger together than we are separate. Becca and I already talked to Willow, she's in."
"But Rebecca would be in charge, right? I mean, that's how it is with you. Rebecca's in charge."
"Kinda the way it's supposed to be with Slayers and Watchers. You and Giles were the exception to the rule. Becca's never steered me wrong."
"What about Giles? Where would he fit?"
"I read your file, all of it. Plus I talked to Will. I know how you guys did this stuff. You acted like Giles was in charge but really, you were in charge. He'd come up with plans sometimes but if you didn't like the plan you'd just chuck it. Mostly you did what you wanted to do and if everyone else didn't like it you left them all behind and went off on your own. You always followed your instincts, every time. But it got you in trouble a few times...right hand didn't know what the left hand was doing sometimes with you guys, and it led to secrets. It led you and Will to where you are now."
"So where does Giles fit?"
Faith smiled. "You're loyal to your Watcher. That's cool, I get that. But can you agree with me that Giles hardly ever went out in the field with you guys? That all he really did was the research end of it? He read his books and gave you options. He came up with plans, and sometimes you followed them, but mostly you didn't. He saw himself as the leader, but you didn't treat him that way. You were the leader. He was like an advisor. Can you agree that's how you ran it?"
"Yeah."
"Becca goes out in the field. You've seen her, she can fight. She can fight better than either one of us, she trained me and she can still kick my ass. Giles...he can fight okay, he can defend himself, he can use weapons. But he's nowhere near as good as Becca. I'm not insulting the guy, Buffy, I'm just being honest."
"Yeah."
"Plus, uh, Giles kinda got hit in the head a lot. It's like every other big fight you guys had, whenever he was out there, he'd get hit in the head and knocked out."
Buffy smiled. "Yeah."
"So here's how it goes. Becca's the leader. That's non-negotiable. Giles does his usual thing, reads his books, gives us options. Me, you and Will go out there, usually Becca tags along, especially if it's major..."
"So, what, she's like our drill sergeant out there?"
"The way she always ran it when it was just me and her in Boston, we'd come up with a plan together, and a lot of the time I'd come up with the whole plan myself. We'd go out there, I'd do my thing, Becca would hang back and watch. If I ever needed help she'd jump in, but I never needed help. It's not like she's out there giving me orders every second. You ever watch a basketball game?"
"What? A basketball game? Angel made me watch a few with him."
"Okay. In basketball you got five players on the court, and a coach on the sidelines. There are two kinds of coaches. One kind of coach, every time his team has the ball, he calls a play. He tells them exactly what play he wants them to run and they do it. That way the coach is able to control the game. But there's a downside, the team ends up playing a slow game, they can't take the other team by surprise, they can't use their quickness, their instincts, they can't react to stuff as it's happening. The second kind of coach, he doesn't call plays every time his team has the ball, he only calls plays in special circumstances, like near the end of the game when it's the last play and they're down a bucket. This second kind of coach, he lets his guys play, lets them improvise. The advantage there isn't just that his guys can use their speed and play a kinda fast-break game, it's also that his guys become better players that way. They end up developing better instincts about the game when they're allowed to do most of the stuff themselves. Becca's the second kind of coach. She'll let us do our thing, she'll only call a play when it's a special situation."
Buffy shook her head. "Y'know, I was thinking the upside of being gay and dating girls was that I wouldn't have to deal with sports conversations anymore."
"We'll do plenty of shoe shopping too. But you get what I'm saying?"
"Yeah."
"Does it sound like something you can try?"
"Giles is my Watcher. Not Rebecca. We're out in the field and she wants to call a play, I'll run it. But I'm not gonna be at her beck and call every day, I'm not gonna like report to her and do training with her and stuff. I do that with Giles. Actually I don't really do it with him either, but that's just because I'm intractable."
"You're what?"
"One of his words for me, they all mean stubborn."
"I'm not asking you to give up your Watcher. Becca's not trying to like, move in on you and take over here. You don't have to train with us, you don't have to report to Becca. We just wanna coordinate from now on, that's all. We wanna make sure we're all a team, and that when the big shit comes down, we're all on the same page, all runnin' the same play. Sound good?"
"Well it sure worked tonight. If not for you guys Spike would've killed me. Sending you up to the balcony with a knife while Rebecca and Will distracted Spike and gave you your shot, was that Rebecca's plan?"
"Yeah. End of the game and we were down a bucket, so Becca called a play. But we all did our part, we all worked as a team, me, Will, and Becca. Everyone's important. That's the way we want it to be. And no one's keepin' score, Buffy. Yeah, we saved your pretty little butt tonight. But how many times have you saved the whole world now? Three? Four? I owe you my life, Becca owes you her life, Will, Giles...everyone. You've saved us all, Buffy. So how about instead of being a solo act you give us all a chance to return the favor once in awhile? Cool?"
Buffy felt like the world was shifting beneath her feet...
"Yeah," she said.
"Well," Rebecca said, with a smile and a raised eyebrow, as she opened the door and saw Buffy standing there with Faith. "The prodigal Slayers return."
"Sorry about the prodigalness," Faith said. "We had a lot of stuff to talk out."
"Yes, I would think so," Rebecca said, and held out her hand to Buffy. Buffy took it. "Hello, Buffy. Come in."
"Um...hi," Buffy said, as Rebecca put her hand on her shoulder, and led her into the living room. Buffy had never been there before. The place was fabulous. It wasn't just that it was a mansion, or that it was huge, or that it had paintings and a piano and antique furniture. It was right on the beach. And the beach was a private beach. The mansion came with its own beach.
"You seem to have lost your outfit," Rebecca said.
Buffy had made Faith come with her back to her house so she could shower and change her outfit before they came out to Rebecca's mansion. Buffy had a feeling showing up at Rebecca's place barefoot in a ripped skirt and a camisole wouldn't have gone over well.
Faith had showered too...they had showered together. They hadn't made love...but they had come close...
When you're ready, Buffy had whispered in Faith's ear, as she washed her back, and kissed her neck. Not until you're ready, baby, okay?
She didn't see Willow. Faith had said Willow would be there...
"Would you like some coffee?" Rebecca said, as they all sat down. Rebecca sat on an antique Victorian couch that Buffy thought probably cost more than every single object in her house combined. Faith sat in one of the big leather recliners. Buffy sat across from her, in the rocking chair. There was a fireplace in the room, and Rebecca had a fire going now. The room was dark, and the fire gave it just the right amount of light...not too much. It allowed the room to keep its mystery. Buffy liked the way the firewood smelled, and how warm it was, and she liked the little crackling sound the fire made.
And she liked Rebecca's scent, she suddenly realized. She hadn't really noticed it before, but now she did. Rebecca smelled like flowers...violets. Buffy's mother had some growing in their garden.
"Yeah, coffee's good," Buffy said.
There was a silver tray on the coffee table. Rebecca had everything prepared. Rebecca leaned forward, made a cup of coffee, black, and handed it to Faith. "How do you take yours, Buffy?"
"A little cream, two sugars?" Buffy said.
Rebecca made Buffy her coffee, stood up, and handed her the cup. Buffy noticed it was a bone china cup, and it looked expensive. Then Rebecca sat back down on the couch. And looked Buffy in the eyes.
"I'm sorry about your friend Xander," Rebecca said.
"Thanks," Buffy said.
Rebecca's stare made Buffy uncomfortable. It was as if Rebecca was looking right through her...straight down into her...
Angel used to stare at her that way. Rebecca's eyes had the same power as his. But Angel's eyes were two black, bottomless wells...in the firelight, Rebecca's eyes looked like the sun shimmering on an endless blue sea.
"He shouldn't have been out there," Buffy said, and leaned back in the rocking chair, and sipped her coffee. It was wonderful coffee. Some sort of exotic blend. "That's what you're gonna tell me, right? That he shouldn't have been out there."
"I'm not here to assess your performance, Buffy," Rebecca said. "I'm not your Watcher."
"But you think it was a mistake," Buffy said.
"Yes," Rebecca said.
"What other mistakes have I made?" Buffy said. "I know you're just dying to lecture me about all of them."
Buffy wished she could take it back, the second the words came out of her mouth. She noticed Faith wasn't smiling now.
But Rebecca smiled.
"I'm not, actually," Rebecca said. "That's not why I wanted to talk to you. And you already have a Watcher. Doesn't Mister Giles give you enough lectures?"
"I guess," Buffy said. "Started tuning him out a long time ago. So if you didn't want me here to tell me how much I suck, why did you want me here?"
"You know what I find most trying about you?" Rebecca said. "The thing that would have me pulling my hair out if I was your Watcher?"
"I'm intractable?" Buffy said. "Plus maybe the whole thing about getting my friends raped and killed."
"It's your tendency to feel sorry for yourself," Rebecca said. "It's rather tiresome to have to sit through. So if you wanted me to criticize your virtues as a Slayer, if you wanted a lecture from me, there you go. Stop feeling sorry for yourself."
"Because great Slayers never feel bad about stuff?" Buffy said. "Stake the vamps, save the world, don't look back. Just plunge and move on, right?"
"Because watching you feel sorry for yourself is annoying," Rebecca said. "I'm sorry Xander died. I'm sorry Willow was violated by Angelus and Drusilla, and Giles was tortured, and Ms. Calendar was killed, and all those little girls are dead. I'm sorry about all of that. But I can't change it, and neither can you. Time to pick yourself up and get on with your life."
"Is that what you do when people you love die?" Buffy said. "Just pick yourself up and get on with your life?"
"Buffy," Faith said.
Rebecca held up her hand.
"It's all right, Faith," Rebecca said. "My daughter Gwendolyn died, Buffy. She was killed by vampires when she was six, along with my ex-husband Oliver. I crawled into a bottle and spent a year in a drunken haze after that because I couldn't face my life. I couldn't think of a reason to wake up in the morning. Eventually I picked myself up and got on with my life. Because, what's the alternative?"
Buffy felt her face becoming red. Suddenly, she couldn't meet Rebecca's eyes.
She felt like a heel.
"I'm sorry," Buffy whispered.
"Apology accepted," Rebecca said. "We're in a war, Buffy. You and Faith were drafted, you were never given a choice. I'm sorry about that. I wish you girls could have been given a normal life. But life isn't fair. So you make the best of the hand you're dealt. Dwelling too long on our mistakes only makes things worse. We can end up losing touch with ourselves."
"Tell me my mistakes," Buffy said. "I'm not...not trying to pick a fight. Just...tell me what you think I'm doing wrong, tell me what you think I should be doing. You read my file, right? And Willow's told you all the stories. Where is she, by the way? Is she here? Faith said she'd be here. I'm picking up her scent, but... "
"She's asleep upstairs," Rebecca said. "She waited as long as she could, then she fell asleep on the couch here. I brought her upstairs and put her to bed. You don't need me to tell you what you should be doing, Buffy. You have Giles for that."
"I want to hear it from you. Faith says you never bullshit, you're always honest."
"That's true. I never talk just to talk, and I always mean what I say. I've been told it's one of my most exasperating qualities."
"Nah, it's cute," Faith said.
"So tell me," Buffy said. "Tell me your opinion of me as a Slayer, everything, all of it. Like if you were giving a report on me to that Quentin Travers guy Giles talks about at the Watchers Council. Tell me my mistakes."
"You haven't made any mistakes," Rebecca said.
"What? What do you mean? No, really, I want you to tell me."
"And I'm telling you. You haven't made any mistakes. I've read your complete file, and I've had many, many talks with Willow to fill in the blanks, because Mister Giles hides things. He didn't mention Angelus in your file, for example, which was bloody stupid on his part. But your tactics have always been sound. You've taken down some powerful enemies and come up with some creative solutions to problems. You can think on your feet, and that's the most important quality any Slayer brings to the table. Not every Slayer can, you know. Strength, speed, reflexes, healing, they're all part of the Slayer package. But intelligence isn't. The ability to adjust to changing circumstances and think effectively on your feet isn't. Some girls, like Faith, like you, can do that, and some can't. Kendra couldn't. She was brave and she was strong but she was inflexible. And she died very quickly once she became a Slayer because she thought too rigidly and she couldn't be creative. But you have a wonderfully creative approach to problems, Buffy. You think outside the box."
"What about Xander?"
"He shouldn't have been out there. You told him that, but he wouldn't listen. Since he seemed determined to follow you around out there no matter how many times you told him not to, you eventually accepted it. Giles should have stepped in. Your Watcher is supposed to see to it that you have everything you need to do your job, and Giles should have read Xander the Riot Act and kept him home. But he didn't."
"I let Spike go last summer. He killed that girl tonight."
"You let him go because you had no choice. With his help you were able to defeat Angelus. If you had refused Spike's offer I'm fairly certain you would have died and the world would be gone now. Angelus is hard enough. Angelus, and Spike, and Drusilla would have been an insurmountable challenge for any one Slayer. It isn't your fault Spike was too much of an arsehole to keep his word and stay away. But he's dead now, and good riddance to bad rubbish."
"Falling in love with a vampire isn't a mistake?"
"Love isn't a mistake. We can't help who we love, Buffy. We can't plan it, it isn't part of a strategy. And if you had killed Angel at the beginning we'd all be dead now. Without him you wouldn't have saved the world from the Master or the Sisterhood of Jhe. Not to mention, he saved Faith and Willow's lives two nights ago."
Buffy nodded. But she wasn't smiling. If anything, she looked depressed.
"You never wanted to be a Slayer, did you?" Rebecca said.
"No," Buffy said, softly.
"Seriously?" Faith said.
"Yeah," Buffy said. "I always hated it. I hate it now."
"I love it," Faith said. "It's a sweet gig. Saving the world, being super tough, kickin' butt, goin' out on hunts...damn, B, what's not to like?"
Buffy shrugged her shoulders, and looked into the fire.
"You were hoping I'd tell you that you've made too many mistakes," Rebecca said. "You're looking for excuses to stop doing this. You're looking for a way out."
"Yeah," Buffy said. "Maybe I could be an interior decorator."
"You haven't made mistakes," Rebecca said. "But your temperament leaves a lot to be desired. I won't say you're not cut out for this work--you are cut out for it. I think you're one of the most brilliant Slayers who has ever lived, in fact, and please recall that I don't talk just to talk. If I thought you weren't smart enough or brave enough or strong enough I'd tell you. You're perfectly suited to this. But you're not cut out to lead. Your strategies were brilliant, you won all your battles. But the emotional cost, for you, was too high. It hurt you, having to make decisions that might put people you care about in danger. You couldn't ever separate yourself from the decisions you had to make. You let them weigh on you, eat away at you, even after the battle was over. Xander wasn't your fault, and part of you knows it, but you won't accept it. And you go off on your own when you don't get your way and you haven't the slightest idea how to delegate even the simplest task without obsessing over it. You need to be part of a group. But you're tricky, because although you don't like leading you also don't like the idea of anyone else leading. You know you can get the job done and you aren't so sure anybody else can."
"You mean I'm arrogant."
Rebecca raised her eyebrow. "When an arrogant person happens to be right they aren't arrogant. Let's just say you have a healthy ego. And so do I, as I'm sure you've noticed."
Buffy smiled.
"And bloody hell, girl, you've saved the world three times," Rebecca said. "Actually I'm fairly certain it's four and Giles was just being coy about one of them in his report. How many times do you need to be reminded that you've saved the lives of every single man, woman and child on this planet, including me, including Faith, including Willow, before you stop feeling sorry for yourself?"
"A million?" Buffy said. "And this is really nice, with all the compliments, but I feel a 'but' coming. You've got but face."
Rebecca raised her eyebrow. "I beg your pardon?"
"Buffy's from California," Faith said.
"Yes, and so is Willow," Rebecca said, and sighed. "I'm still getting used to the ridiculous way you all talk out here. The 'but', Buffy, is that your attitude is an impediment to your effectiveness as a leader, so you shouldn't lead. You try to do too many things yourself and you don't let people help you. When things go wrong you get depressed and blame yourself. According to Giles' reports you don't take advice well, and you're stubborn."
"Plus insubordinate, rash and willful," Buffy said. "And intractable."
"They all mean stubborn," Rebecca said. "You need to be in a group, Buffy, a group in which you aren't the leader. But you need to be able to contribute beyond just being a foot soldier, you need to be in on making the plans, you need to help set the course. You're too smart, and if you just followed orders you'd become bored, and then you'd lose interest, and then you'd get sloppy. Most of all, you need the person in charge to be someone you trust to get the job done. And that was always the problem, wasn't it? You might be angry with me for saying this, but I'll never lie to you, Buffy. I'll always say the hard things that you need to hear. And today's hard thing is, Giles should have been the leader of your group, but he wasn't, because you wouldn't let him be. Partly because you didn't trust him to do the job. Partly because he didn't have the will to stand up to you. It's an unfortunate problem with male watchers...they're too dainty with their Slayers. They see their Slayers killing vampires but they still think of them as their little girls."
"So Faith's not your little girl, huh?" Buffy said.
"Actually, she is," Rebecca said, and smiled. "She'll always be my little girl."
"Yup," Faith said. "But Becca isn't dainty with me. Kicks my butt good sometimes."
"The difference between the way I treat Faith and the way Giles treated you, Buffy, is that I see Faith for what she really is," Rebecca said. "She's my girl, and I love her like a daughter. But she's also a Slayer. A hunter. When Faith takes down a kill there's a joyous light in her eyes. Because that's what she's built for. It's what you're built for too, Buffy, but you've lost touch with it...somewhere along the way, you lost touch with yourself...you forgot yourself."
"I never...never liked it," Buffy said. "Killing vamps...it was just...the job. I didn't get all joyous...I never liked it."
"The hell you didn't," Rebecca said, and looked Buffy straight in the eyes. "You're a Slayer, girl. It wasn't something that was forced on you, it's what you are. You want my advice? You want to know what I think about you? I think you lie to yourself. I think you pretend to be someone you're not, because you're worried what people will think...what your mother will think. What Willow will think."
"Willow? What...do you mean?"
"You're worried she'd be scared, if she ever saw what a Slayer really is. Faith told me you hold back when you're out on patrol with Willow. You're afraid to let Willow see the predator in you...the Slayer."
"I took Will on patrol with me," Faith said. "Becca was there, backin' us up, keepin' an eye out. I didn't hold back. I never hold back. I laughed and screamed and growled and danced when I was stakin' those vamps. You wanna know what Will did when she saw me takin' down kills? When she saw me laughin' in the vamps' faces as I dusted 'em? She said, 'wow'. Then she giggled and gave me a big hug. You gotta just trust me here Buffy--you treat Will like she's some little kid who needs to be protected all the time, or maybe like some saint you gotta put up on a pedestal. And it makes her angry, that you think she needs to be treated that way. Makes her think you think she's weak. She's not weak. And she's not a saint either."
Rebecca stood up.
"I have something for you," she said.
"Something...for me?" Buffy said. "You mean...a gift?"
"Not a gift," Rebecca said. "Something that belongs to you. Talk amongst yourselves a moment, girls. Perhaps you can decide how you're going to tell me you two are dating now."
Rebecca walked upstairs. Buffy's jaw dropped. Faith started giggling.
"How did she know...?" Buffy whispered.
"Must've been me," Faith said. "I must be actin' funny around you. Becca knows me, backwards and forwards. I'm her girl."
"You guys...I didn't realize you're this close."
Faith stopped giggling. She stared into the firelight...her pendant reflected the light, and diffused it, painting the room in shades of soft gold.
"When Will told me and Becca how it went before...in the old history," Faith said. "I think she left some stuff out. She told us the big stuff, the stuff we needed to know about the Key and all that, but I can tell she's holdin' back some stuff. But what's interesting to me is the stuff she chose to tell us. She gave us details we didn't need to have to get the job done tonight..."
"Actually I could use some more details," Buffy said. "You told me what she said, but... an angel, time travel, the world actually ending and everyone dying...it's sorta...hard to grasp."
"She told me...Becca died," Faith said, her voice low, and hesitating...as if she was afraid to say the words, afraid to give the words power. "Not after the Key was used, but before...Will told me Becca died at the Prudential Building. Kakistos killed her."
"But...you guys won that fight," Buffy said.
"Last time around we didn't. I wasn't sure at first why Will thought she had to tell me that. Now I think I know. Will's real close to Becca too. You know Will isn't really close to her mom. The last couple months, Becca's kind of been a mom to her. Will stays here a lot, Becca's already told her she can move in if she wants. I think Will told me about how Becca died because she wants me to be extra careful. She wants me to always keep an eye out. To never take Becca for granted again. Becca's strong and tough and smart, but anyone can die, any time...after Xander, I think Will wants to hold on to everyone she can."
"Yeah," Buffy whispered.
"Will's afraid to lose anyone else, Buffy," Faith said. "Now she thinks she lost you too."
"She'll never lose me," Buffy said. "She can hate me forever but I'll always love her."
"She doesn't hate you," Faith said. "But she's real angry."
Rebecca came downstairs.
She was carrying a coat.
"Before we all talk about how you two are dating, and whether or not I approve, and I haven't decided yet whether or not I approve by the way, I wanted to give you this, Buffy," Rebecca said.
It was Spike's leather coat. Buffy would have recognized it anywhere. Even if she didn't, she could smell it.
Buffy stood up.
"Why did you keep Spike's coat?" Buffy said. "And why are you giving it to me?"
"Spike's a big kill," Faith said. "He wasn't some redshirt vamp, he was major league. You took him down, you get his pelt."
"Redshirt?" Buffy said, and grinned.
Faith shrugged her shoulders. "Hang with Will long enough, you start to pick up all her cute talk. Pretty soon I'm gonna start saying 'boink'."
Rebecca threw the coat to Buffy. Buffy caught it. The leather was soft and supple to the touch. Buffy hated the way the coat smelled, but she loved how it felt...
"But you're the one who took him down, Faith," Buffy said. "You did that awesome knife throw."
"Your kill, your trophy, girlfriend," Faith said. "I already got Kakistos and his pal Trick, I'm happy."
"It was an excellent kill and this coat makes an excellent trophy," Rebecca said. "You and Spike had a long history, Buffy, you fought him a good number of times. If anyone deserves this, it's you. But there's another reason I'm giving this to you. This wasn't just Spike's coat. If you recall your history, before Spike wore it, it belonged to a Slayer."
"What?" Buffy said. "A Slayer?"
Rebecca frowned. "Didn't Giles tell you anything, girl? Spike's history is right there in the damned Watchers Chronicles."
"Could be he told me and I just didn't listen," Buffy said. "I'm intractable."
"We're going to have to work on that," Rebecca said. "This coat belonged to Nikki Wood, a very strong, very formidable Slayer whose territory was New York City. Nikki was a friend of mine. I met her when I was a young Watcher, I was a demon expert and after her Watcher was injured the Council sent me to help her with a particularly nasty demon clan that was nesting in the Manhattan subway system. We hit it off immediately, and we had rather a good time taking out the trash together. But even though I was a demon expert, I had never actually met one. That was my first taste of real combat in the field...wetwork, the Council calls it. I acquitted myself well enough, but Nikki did the heavy lifting. I knew how to fight, I did my share, but I was only about half as good as I thought I was in those days and Nikki saved my arse. If it weren't for her I'd be dead. Nikki was a hell of a Slayer, one of the greats. And we kept in touch after our little adventure together. For a few months. Then Spike killed her. He sought her out, specifically because she was the Slayer. Spike liked killing Slayers. After the dirty bastard killed her, he took her coat, as a trophy. Now it's yours. Your trophy."
"I...I...don't know...what to say," Buffy whispered. She looked at the coat, felt it in her hands. She thought of Spike. And a Slayer named Nikki Wood...she felt a connection to her. Somehow, even though she had only just heard of her, Buffy realized she knew her...that she kept part of her inside herself...that they were connected. That they were both part of something.
Buffy looked at Nikki Wood's coat, and felt the connection...
"I don't deserve it," Buffy said.
"Yes you do," Rebecca said. "I knew Nikki, and I know you. You're a hell of a Slayer, just like she was. In fact, you've got something of her style. If you would just stop second-guessing yourself."
"Plunge and move on?" Buffy said.
"No," Rebecca said. "Is that something Giles told you?"
"Yeah."
"Killing vampires and demons isn't a day at the office, Buffy. It isn't busywork. You're a Slayer, not a secretary. Don't plunge and move on. Kill, and savor it."
Buffy looked at the coat...but this time, she concentrated on her nose, not her eyes...the way a Slayer would.
Its smell annoyed her. But that smell did something else, too...it got her blood moving. It made her heart beat faster.
Buffy felt a growl welling up in her stomach.
"Try it on," Rebecca said. "See how it feels."
Buffy put on the coat.
A strange feeling went through her, when she put on that coat.
Buffy felt like she was discovering herself...becoming herself.
The leather felt unexpectedly cool against her skin. It felt sensuous. It fit like it was made for her. It felt so good against her skin that she could have curled up and gone to sleep in it. The coat was substantial, but the leather felt marvelously light and flexible. Buffy didn't think it would impede her movements in a fight at all.
But even though that coat was light, it had weight...the weight of years. The weight of the connection that tied her to Nikki Wood, and all the Slayers who came before...Buffy felt it.
"It's a wee bit long, but I must say you look smashing in it," Rebecca said.
"Smashing," Faith said, and leaned back in her chair, and smiled. "That's the word, B. You look totally smashing in that coat. Like maybe you were always meant to be wearing it."
"How does it feel?" Rebecca said.
Buffy smiled...and showed her teeth. She felt the growl welling up in her stomach again. And it felt...it felt...
"Just right," Buffy said.
LOVE STORIES
Willow woke up in her bedroom at the mansion, to the sound of hushed voices coming from downstairs.
Willow had stayed up with Rebecca as long as she could, but she supposed she had fallen asleep.
Willow liked this bedroom, it had a big window that looked out on the ocean. It was dark outside now. Morning hadn't arrived yet, and the stars were out. She had the window open a crack; she smelled the ocean, and she heard the waves crashing against the shore...and she heard laughter now, coming from downstairs.
She yawned, got out of bed, and plodded a little haphazardly out of the room in her Hello Kitty nightgown, weaving her way through the dark. She hadn't been home in awhile. She supposed she should probably call her house and check in at some point. She wondered if they had even noticed she was gone...
She stopped at the top of the stairs.
She saw Buffy and Faith talking to Rebecca in the living room.
Buffy immediately sensed her. She looked up. Their eyes met.
"Hi," Buffy said. She looked nervous, Willow thought.
"Hi," Willow said.
"Um...can I...talk to you?" Buffy said. "I just really wanted to...apologize for..."
"Kinda tired right now," Willow said, and turned around, and walked away from her.
She went back to bed. She couldn't fall asleep. She looked out the window, and saw the moon...it was a tiny sliver of yellow. It looked like a cat's eye.
Buffy and Faith had been holding hands, as they talked to Rebecca. Willow remembered Faith was sitting in one of the big leather recliners, and Buffy had been sitting on the arm of the recliner, holding her hand...like they were a couple now.
"Seize the moment," Willow whispered, and felt her face becoming red...
And then she felt her tears beginning to come.
When Willow woke up again, the sun was shining in. She squinted at it, and drew the curtains.
She sat on the edge of the bed, and tried to collect her thoughts.
She felt wretched. She felt like she hadn't slept at all. She kept yawning.
The house seemed quiet. She wondered how early it was. She looked at the little antique clock on the bureau...it was six-thirty. She realized she would need to get ready for school soon...if she bothered to go. There really wasn't any reason to bother. She could probably take the rest of the year off if she wanted to and it wouldn't affect her college applications. She had already been accepted everywhere she wanted to go, and a whole bunch of places she didn't want to go. Like U.C. Sunnydale.
She pulled clean clothes out of the bureau, and plodded into the bathroom. One of the many, many wonderful things about Rebecca's mansion was the number of bathrooms: everyone had their own. And the bathrooms were all as big as Willow's bedroom at her parents' house, and they even had bidets...
She took off her nightgown and her socks, her eyes squinting against the light, turned on the water in the shower, waited for it to get hot, and stepped in...
And then she jumped, as she felt hands encircling her waist.
She tried to turn around, but those hands held her still...
"It's okay, honey," Faith whispered in her ear, as her hands moved across Willow's breasts now, and her lips brushed against her neck...
"F-Faith...?" Willow gasped, as the water pelted her, like a hot rushing tide, opening all her pores, making her skin tingle...and Faith kissed her neck, and gently kneaded her nipples between her fingers...
"That's me hon, the emergency backup Slayer," Faith whispered, as she cupped Willow's breasts in her hands.
"What...what are you doin' baby?" Willow whispered, as she found herself moaning for Faith now...
One of Faith's hands took Willow by the hair, and held her still. Willow whimpered. Faith wasn't hurting her...but she couldn't move...
Faith's other hand moved down Willow's stomach...between her legs.
"Don't," Willow whispered.
Faith's fingers brushed against Willow's pussy lips. Willow shuddered.
"Sshhh," Faith whispered in her ear. "I love you."
"I love you too, but...we...we shouldn't, baby," Willow moaned, as Faith's fingers caressed her pussy lips now, up and down, from the bottom all the way to the top...right up to her most sensitive spot...
"Baby..." Willow moaned, as a shudder rocked through her, and Faith's fingers found her clit...and Willow started moving her hips in time to Faith's caresses...
"You always knew this would happen, honey," Faith whispered, as she gently caressed Willow's clit, and dragged her teeth across Willow's neck, and Willow moved her hips. "You always knew we'd be together someday. You always knew you belong to me."
As Faith held her and caressed her clit, and whispered things in her ear, Willow closed her eyes, and felt her orgasm rushing through her like a hot wave...
"Say it," Faith whispered, as she brought her to it...
"Fuck me...baby, fuck me..." Willow moaned...
Willow woke up with a gasp. Her whole body was quaking...she felt the aftershocks of an orgasm galloping through her. Her panties were soaked through. There was a wet spot on her nightgown.
She sat on the edge of the bed, and gradually stopped shaking. She tried to collect her thoughts.
She masturbated often; she was a virgin and she considered herself a world class masturbator. She fingered herself just about every day, and some days two or three times. But she'd never had an orgasm like that one...she still felt it now...little earthquakes were going off inside her.
The sun was shining in. It was too bright. She squinted at it, and drew the curtains.
She felt wretched. She felt like she hadn't slept at all...
And she was desperately horny. And she was a virgin...and she thought dreaming about Faith that way had been almost unfair.
She suddenly realized she was crying.
Willow sat on the edge of the bed in her soaked underwear, and her nightgown with the wet spot, and her tears running down her cheeks...still shaking from her orgasm...still remembering the feel of Faith's strong fingers between her legs, caressing her in her most sensitive place...and knowing that it wasn't real.
"Great," she whispered, her lip trembling, her tears still flowing. "Can my life possibly suck any worse?"
The house seemed quiet. She wondered how early it was. She looked at the little antique clock on the bureau...it was six-thirty.
She realized she would need to get ready for school soon...if she bothered to go. There really wasn't any reason to bother. She could probably take the rest of the year off if she wanted to and it wouldn't affect her college applications. She had already been accepted everywhere she wanted to go, and a whole bunch of places she didn't want to go. Like U.C. Sunnydale.
She wiped her tears away, and stood up.
She pulled clean clothes out of the bureau, and plodded into the bathroom. One of the many, many wonderful things about Rebecca's mansion was the number of bathrooms: everyone had their own. And the bathrooms were all as big as Willow's bedroom at her parents' house...
She took off her nightgown and her socks, her eyes squinting against the light, turned on the water in the shower, waited for it to get hot...
She looked at the shower curtain for a moment.
Finally she said, "If you're in there, Faith, fine, whatever, you can fuck me."
She stepped into the shower. No one was in there.
When she came downstairs, Faith was dressed and waiting for her.
Faith was wearing her purple beret. She wore it most days, regardless of whether or not it matched the outfit she had on. Willow had giggled at her about it a few times...then she had gotten Faith's memories. Now she knew where Faith had gotten the beret from.
"Hi, sweetie," Willow said.
Yeah, so, I had this kinda sex fantasy dream about you, you were making me come in the shower, Willow imagined herself saying. Sweetie, you have heavenly fingers. Any time you want me to return the favor...
Faith was looking at her...the look that meant something serious was going on and Faith wanted to talk about it. Willow was pretty sure she knew what this was about.
"Becca tell you what we talked about last night?" Willow said, and sat down next to her on the couch.
"No," Faith said. "What did you talk about?"
Apparently Rebecca hadn't told Faith about how she had Faith's memories now. But Willow knew Rebecca would expect her to tell Faith...and besides, they were Faith's memories, Faith's life, and Willow knew it wouldn't be fair to Faith to keep this a secret from her...but it would be an awkward conversation. Willow wasn't exactly sure how to tell her.
"First tell me what you wanted to tell me," Willow said.
Faith smiled. "What makes you think I got something to tell you?"
"Because you've got that naughty kitty look," Willow said, and found herself smiling, against her will. Faith always made her smile...even when she was breaking her heart.
Seize the moment, Willow thought.
"What are you doing?" Willow said, between giggles.
Yeah, so, Buffy has this philosophy, Willow thought. She was having two conversations with Faith now. The words she said out loud, and the words she kept to herself...the craven, compromised things she was willing to say, and the secret thoughts she was afraid to reveal. She says we should like, seize the moment, because we could all just die tomorrow...
The thing is, I'm not too good with seizing the moment, Willow thought, as she continued the other conversation. And y'know, Buffy's life is sorta completely screwed up so maybe it's not such a great philosophy. There's definitely an argument to be made that any philosophy of Buffy's has to be suspect, seeing how she's always, y'know, so frigging miserable.
"I'll do anything you want, warden, anything!" Willow shouted. "Maybe I can bribe the guard."
"And I tried the seize the moment thing once, and the one time I tried it I asked this guy at the Bronze to dance and he turned out to be a vampire and he almost killed me. So I'm thinkin', yeah, seizing...maybe not so much with the seizing. Seizing maybe isn't really my thing.
"Please don't tickle me anymore?" Willow pleaded, as she went on giggling. "Anything you want, baby. We're in like a women in prison movie now, right? I'll do your laundry for you...or you can trade me for cigarettes...I'm cute, I bet all the butch chicks would like me."
Faith giggled.
But I can't do this anymore, baby. I love you. I love you, Faith, I love you so much and I want to be with you, I want us to be together and...
Willow's smile faded.
"Where is she?" Willow said. "Is she here?"
"No, she took off last night, she knew Joyce would be worrying. I gave her a ride home after you went back to bed. We talked a lot of stuff out though, me and Buffy and Becca. Buffy's willing to give our new gang a try."
"You guys...you and Buffy..." Willow started to say. Then she felt herself starting to blush. She turned her head away, buried it in the couch cushions, so Faith couldn't see. "I saw you holding hands last night. Are you...like, dating?"
"Yeah. I guess this is as good a time as any to tell you I sorta dig chicks. Not saying I'm like a lesbian or anything, but...uh...I think some girls are pretty."
Do you think I'm pretty?
No, Willow thought.
Because you belong with me. She can't love you the way I do, no one ever can...
"Yeah," Faith said, and grinned. "Happy and scared and pissed off. I need you to let her talk to you, Will. Can you do that for me?"
Willow turned back to Faith, and looked up at her again...looked her in the eyes.
"Can't ever say no to you," Willow said. "Um...I gotta go to school."
"I know," Faith said. "Why else would I be up at this ungodly hour? C'mon, fairy godmother, your carriage awaits. If you're good I'll let you play with the radio."
When they arrived at Sunnydale High in Faith's jeep, Willow looked around outside for Buffy. She didn't see her. She was glad. She didn't want to talk to her.
"I'm kinda jealous," Faith said.
Willow turned to her. Faith was smiling, but it was a wistful smile.
"What?" Willow said. "Jealous?"
"You get to go to school," Faith said.
"Should I count all the millions of ways going to school isn't any fun? Especially on a Hellmouth? Especially with Principal Asshole Snyder running things?"
"I get that. But..."
Faith looked at the school, from across the street. She watched the kids heading in...talking and jostling each other on the lawn, sneaking a cigarette behind a tree, gabbing on their cell phones, holding hands, laughing in the sun...looking forward to their futures.
"I don't know," Faith said. "Just...looks like it might be nice. I kinda dropped outta school...when I was sixteen, the second I could do it legal so that my mother wouldn't be getting letters in the mail, I took off. I hated Southie High. But...I feel like maybe I missed stuff. And Becca says she wants me to get my high school diploma...she says there's like a test..."
"A GED," Willow said. "Sweetie, you want me to help you study for that?"
"Yeah. Becca said she could get me in here if I want...into Sunnydale High. I've been kinda thinking about it. Becca says either I should get my GED or get into school now, she wants me to decide soon."
"You dropped out...what, after tenth grade?" Willow said. "Does that mean you'd have to start here as a junior? That would kinda suck, having you at my school but not being able to be in any classes with you." Willow smiled. "Plus I'd totally make fun of you all day. Y'know...'cuz I'm a senior. Kinda my job, makin' fun of all the cute lil' juniors with their complete lack of off-campus privileges." Willow giggled, and pulled Faith's beret down over her eyes. "And their goofy raspberry berets."
"Purple beret," Faith said, and fixed it. "And I'd kick your little butt."
"The kiiiiiiiind you fiiiiiiiind in a second-hand store," Willow sang.
"Kickin' that little butt."
"And if it was waaaaaaaaaaarm she wouldn't wear much more," Willow sang, shaking her hips now, and snapping her fingers.
"You really wanna be held down and tickled here in front of everybody in the school?" Faith said. "Consider your position carefully."
"Okay, got a point," Willow said. "So if you come to school here will you be all, a big tough Slayer girl and steal my lunch money every day?"
"Nah. I'd steal other people's lunch money and use it to take you out to nice restaurants."
"It's a date."
Faith giggled, like the idea was funny. Willow didn't.
"Besides, Becca did some research, she said based on my age I could start here as a senior, I'd just need to take like, an aptitude test, prove that I knew all my shit," Faith said.
"I'll tutor you if you want," Willow said.
"Thanks, fairy godmother. You better head in. Tell Buffy to wear something nice for me tonight. I'm taking her to this new French restaurant downtown that Becca told us about, Mimosa. And if I'm spending French restaurant money then Buffy's gonna have to a least give me some eye candy."
"Um...yeah," Willow said. "Um...you guys...have fun."
Willow felt her mood plummeting. She opened the door. She wanted to get away quickly...Faith could always tell when she was depressed about something.
"Hey," Faith said, and put her hand on Willow's shoulder. "Something wrong, honey?"
"What?" Willow said, and forced a small smile. "No, just...y'know...school's kind of a drag, that's all. I've already been accepted a bunch of places, it just feels like...I'm kinda spinning my wheels here, I guess. Plus, y'know, with the tiny little asshole principal guy."
"You gotta point that Snyder dude out to me sometime. I'll like give him a wedgie or something for you."
"Sounds like a plan," Willow said, and climbed out of the jeep, and started walking across the street. "Thanks for the ride, sweetie."
Faith waited there until Willow was all the way up the steps and at the front door of the school. She always did...
Willow turned and waved to Faith at the door. She always did...
Faith beeped the horn as she pulled away, trying and failing as always to make it sound exactly like the General Lee's horn on The Dukes of Hazzard, but Willow thought she came pretty close this time.
At a minute before the home room bell on a Tuesday morning, Willow thought the school's main hallway felt like London must have felt during the Blitz. Everyone looked fearfully toward the heavens, and gallows humor abounded. Or at least, trigonometry quiz humor. People shuffled around and talked in hushed tones, showing none of the energy they'd exhibited minutes before when they had walked in. It was as if the school had somehow magically drained them of all their energy in an instant. Which, being on a Hellmouth, wasn't necessarily out of the question, Willow thought.
She kept out of sight, around the corner, far from her locker. She didn't want to see Buffy.
But she knew it was hopeless. If Buffy was there and she wanted to find her, she would... she would find her by scent...
"Will?" Buffy said.
Willow turned around, and saw Buffy standing behind her.
"Can we...I know class is gonna start in a minute but...if you have time, could we...talk?" Buffy said. "The topic is, Let Us Examine In Depth How Buffy Has Been a Jackass."
"Pretty wide-ranging topic," Willow said, and folded her arms across her chest, and leaned against the lockers. "We might not have enough time to cover it all."
"My opening statement will be, I'm sorry," Buffy said. "I'm sorry, Will. I don't have any excuse, I just...I was selfish and arrogant and I treated you like shit and I'm sorry."
Willow saw Buffy's eyes welling up with tears.
"We got the same free period today, right?" Willow said. "Sixth period."
"Yeah," Buffy said.
"Meet me in the lounge," Willow said.
The bell rang.
"Thanks," Buffy said. "Will, you're really...really important to me, and--"
"Gotta get to class," Willow said, and walked away.
Willow didn't go to class. She walked as far away from Buffy as she could in a straight line and she didn't stop walking until she was sure Buffy had gone to class and wasn't following her. She ended up standing at the bottom of a stairwell across from a Coke machine. She sat down on the steps.
She didn't want to go to class. She didn't want to be sitting there on the steps either. What she wanted, she couldn't have. The first period bell rang. She sat there. The halls became noisy, then quiet again.
"Miss Rosenberg," a familiar, mocking voice grated from somewhere behind her, a few minutes later. "Loitering in the halls during class is expressly forbidden."
Willow got up, and turned, and looked Principal Snyder in the eyes.
Snyder was a strident, off-putting little man who strutted around the school like a Marine drill sergeant and somehow managed to intimidate people like one too, even though he was approximately the size of a Ken doll. He ran the school in a relentlessly orderly fashion, and that sense of propriety taken to absurd, even Orwellian heights carried over to his personal grooming habits as well. He was freshly-shaven at all hours of the day, and his hair, what little there was of it, was cut with a razor. His suits were always gray or brown, and his shirts were always white or beige, and starched heavily enough to cut glass. Snyder's ties were so uncreative that Willow thought they were actually fascinating in their mundanity, and his shoes were always so perfectly shined that they could blind you if they caught the angle of the sun just right. His watch could tell you what time it was on every single continent. Snyder was as tidy and inflexible as a military bunk, and you probably could have bounced a quarter off of him.
"You know what's funny?" Willow said. "I've been accepted to like, everywhere in the world already. If I wanted to I could make one single phone call and be on a plane to England tonight and be starting Oxford tomorrow, full ride. I could blow off school every day for the rest of the year and it wouldn't affect my life at all. You could suspend me, send me to detention, write nasty letters to my Mom and I would still be at Harvard or Oxford or Yale or wherever the hell I wanna be on a full scholarship. So if I wanna sit here on the these stairs instead of going to class, just because I know it annoys you, I can do that, and still have a wonderful, fulfilling, all expenses paid college education at the school of my choice. But actually, that's not the funny thing. You wanna know what the funny thing is? You. You're funny. How you strut around like Grumpy the Dwarf and that actually intimidates people? I find that absolutely hilarious."
She walked away from him.
Snyder grabbed her wrist.
"And just where do you think you're--" Snyder started to say, when Willow whirled around, grabbed him by the throat, and slammed him back against the wall. And he shuddered, and started shaking, as she held him there...
Willow's eyes were black.
"This thing you do, grabbing kids by the wrist like we're all fucking five years old?" Willow said. "It's inappropriate touching, Grumpy. My Dad's a lawyer. You see where I'm going with this? But if you ever fucking put your hands on me again, he's not the one you should be afraid of."
Willow left Snyder shaking there, and walked back up the stairs.
She knew what she wanted now. The first period bell had rung, and that meant Ryan would be doing business in the AV Room for the next half hour...
Willow remembered her eyes. She pulled her sunglasses out of her handbag.
She wondered how long her eyes would take to change back, this time...
She wondered if maybe this time, they wouldn't ever change back.
Like Principal Snyder, Ryan Darling was relentlessly neat, but that was where the similarities between them ended. Where Snyder charged around the school like an erupting volcano, Ryan lounged on his favorite couch in the AV Room, placid and still as an iced-over winter lake. While Snyder had the temperament and nervous energy of a yappy poodle, Ryan had the serene, quiet confidence of a Dalai Lama.
Ryan also had a crush on Willow, and that had made things awkward between them for awhile, because Willow didn't want to go out with him, and he kept on asking. But Willow had eventually come to realize that she couldn't really hurt his feelings when she rejected him. Ryan seemed to exist in a sort of constant, effortless Zen state. Nothing ever disturbed him. She had never seen him express a single emotion, with the sole exceptions of curiosity or amusement. So now when he asked her out, they made a game of it. Ryan asked her out every time he saw her, and Willow came up with a new excuse to reject him every time.
Ryan didn't look like a Ryan, or at least, what Willow thought a Ryan should look like. Willow thought a Ryan should be a big, built guy with wild hair and bright eyes and a great smile, and maybe he should surf sometimes. He should at least play football. But Ryan Darling was so bland that you hardly ever noticed him. He was medium height and soft looking, with a face like an accountant. When he spoke, he talked in a hushed, lilting monotone that was difficult to make out. He blended in wherever he went, and you usually didn't even know he had been there. You'd never be able to pick Ryan out of a crowd, and he liked it that way.
There was nothing offensive about his looks--he wasn't ugly, and some girls would even call him cute. But Willow simply wasn't attracted to him, for a couple of reasons. Mostly, because of his strange, serene detachment...he didn't seem to care about anything, or even to be affected by anything. He was the exact opposite of Faith, Willow thought. Where she was unpredictable, he was methodical and unchanging. Where she was full of life, he seemed closed off to the world. Where she was warm, Ryan was cold.
But Ryan was interesting, if you got to know him. He could be funny, in a deadpan sort of way, and he always wore a dress shirt and a tie to school, and he was utterly unflappable. Willow always loved his cologne. She didn't know what the stuff was but Ryan always smelled great. He listened to Frank Sinatra music, and he always looked a little tired, like he'd just gotten back from an awesome party that Willow would never have been able to swing an invitation to. Whenever he asked her out, he did it with perfect confidence, as if he was certain she wouldn't reject him this time, even though she had rejected him a hundred times before. And he drove a hell of a car, a classic red 1967 Mustang convertible. Willow had almost said yes to him a couple of times just to be able to ride in his car.
Ryan Darling didn't look or act like a drug dealer, but he most definitely was. And that was the other reason Willow didn't want to go out with him.
"Oh, Ryan, my darling..." Willow sang, as she strolled through the door, all smiles now. Getting high was just what she needed right now. Ryan was already set up for business. He had his briefcase on the table in front of him, and he was eating his usual breakfast: orange juice and two peanut butter granola bars. Ryan had routines that were unvarying as the orbits of the stars.
"Willow," he said, softly. But he said everything softly. "I was thinking we should go out tonight."
"You were, huh?" Willow said. She had prepared today's lie already. The lies she rejected him with had been getting steadily more outrageous the past few months, and she was waiting to see if he would call her on it.
"Yeah," he said, and motioned for her to sit. She sat on the couch next to him. But not too close. "There's this new French restaurant downtown everybody's talking about, it opened a few months ago and everybody says it's awesome..."
"Mimosa?" Willow said.
"Yeah. Have you been there?"
Willow's smile disappeared. She didn't want to play the game now. She just wanted to do her business and leave.
"No," Willow said. "No one ever took me there."
"I could take you there tonight," Ryan said. "I bet you'd really like it."
"Can't," Willow said. "There's this girl I'm pretty sure I've fallen in love with and she's seeing someone else, so I'm all about the moping."
Ryan blinked.
"Uh...well that's...certainly a new excuse," he said.
"Yeah," Willow said.
"I didn't know you were...I mean...what's the Seinfeld line? 'Not that there's anything wrong with that.' But you could've told me like three years ago and saved me the trouble of getting rejected six-hundred times."
"I'm a bitch," Willow said. "Fill my prescription, doc. Wanna be high."
Ryan glanced at her, in that neutral, ambiguous way he had.
"You're not a bitch," he said. "Sorry about...y'know. The girl."
"Yeah," Willow said. "Thanks."
Ryan opened his briefcase. It was packed full of every imaginable controlled substance. Ryan didn't specialize. Willow had no idea who his supplier was, but he sold everything. He probably had elephant tranquilizer in there somewhere.
Willow realized at that moment that if Ryan hadn't opened the briefcase, if he had refused to sell her drugs today, she would have changed her mind and gone out with him. But he didn't refuse.
Willow had known Ryan for years, and he was a nice enough guy. And she knew he liked her. He just didn't care about her at all. As far as Willow could tell, he didn't care about anyone.
For a second, a memory came back to Willow, from the old history...it was a strange one, and Willow didn't have any frame of reference for it. Willow remembered she had been with Angel, in some sort of big, dark, cluttered room...it looked like a store's stock room. It was full of boxes, piled to the ceiling. There were people there...it looked like there were dozens of them. And Willow knew, somehow, that those people had hurt her. She didn't know what exactly they had done to her, but they had hurt her...
In the memory, she saw Angel crying.
How could you do this? she remembered Angel saying to the crowd of people who stood silently all around her. You're supposed to have souls. You're supposed to have souls!
"I take it you got your usual symptoms?" Ryan said. "Need a refill on weed?"
"Got new symptoms, doc," Willow said, as she looked at everything in the briefcase. "Need like, a new drug regimen." She didn't know what half of the stuff in there was. Pot was her thing; she didn't know much about anything else. But even though Ryan didn't care about her, he was a professional. Willow knew that no matter what she bought from him, it wouldn't be tainted. It would be what he said it was, with no hidden additives, and it would do what he said it would do. Ryan's business was all about repeat customers. He kept them happy and safe.
"What's your symptoms?"
"Acute everything in the world sucking. I need to mellow out. I need to feel good, and I want something stronger than weed. But it's gotta be something that won't have me acting like a zombie or a freak or an idiot, y'know? Nothing people will be able to like, instantly spot. No heroin, no coke, nothing with needles. You got like...a happy pill? Something that can just... make me feel happy for awhile?"
Ryan pulled out a little plastic bag full of blue pills.
"This stuff's called 'E'," he said.
"E?" Willow said. "Does that stand for Ernest, who choked on a peach?"
"It's cute, how you're strange," Ryan said.
"Edward Gorey," Willow said. "I read a lot of weird books."
"I watch ball games. E is for ecstasy."
"Ecstasy? That's like the coolest name for a drug I've ever heard. Is it gonna make me feel ecstasy? Tell me it's gonna make me feel ecstasy."
"Pretty much. Ecstasy's an amphetamine pill, an upper. Kids use 'em at rave parties. First it makes you mellow, then as it takes hold you feel awesome, you're like completely happy and you wanna dance in the street and you love everybody. You want to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony."
"Will I wanna buy the world a Coke, and keep it company?"
"Pretty much. Fair warning, you'll be pretty horny too." He grinned. "We better hide the women."
Willow smiled. "Shut up. It all sounds good so far. How long does it take?"
"Hits you within an hour, you feel like, all warm and tingly and groovy, then it builds, like in waves. You mellow out, then you get real happy. Lasts maybe six to eight hours with a gradual come-down."
"Anything else besides teaching the world to sing in perfect harmony? And horniness?"
"You'll feel seriously relaxed. Some people say their skin gets real sensitive. A lot of people like to use E when they have sex, heightens the sensations."
"What about side-effects? There's gotta be a catch here, right?"
"A few people get a little nauseous or dizzy when it first hits but that passes quick. Sometimes your jaw might get a little tight, like, clenched? Just chew gum. Some people have hallucinations, but that's because they're taking E laced with psychedelics, there's lots of bullshit ecstasy pills out there. My stuff's pure. The great thing about E is, there's basically no risk. Like maybe one in a million people die from it, but not from overdosing. E makes it hard for your body to regulate heat, so sometimes a rave kid ends up dying from like heat exhaustion because they dance all night in these packed warehouse clubs and they don't drink any water. As long as you keep hydrated you'll be fine. You don't need to go crazy with the water. Just drink like a glass an hour. But you should stay away from alcohol when you're on this stuff. This stuff makes you hot, dries your body out, and alcohol just speeds that up. Other than that, you're good to go."
"Still waiting for the catch here. How addictive is this stuff? Am I gonna be like all strung out and selling myself on the street for it in a couple weeks?"
"Nope, that's the best thing about E. It isn't physically addictive. You quit, there's no withdrawal. You might feel a little depressed, a little crabby, but nothing physical. The only downside to E is if you use it a lot you'll need more and more to hit that sweet spot. But if you just use it once in awhile you're golden."
"What's it like coming down? I can't be obvious."
"You'll feel tired, maybe really tired. But most people still feel like, a residual sort of mellowness for a day or two. When you come down, try to be somewhere comfortable, somewhere with lots of munchies, mellow tunes, a place you can just chill. Some people feel a little depressed when they come down, and they can have mood swings. E throws your brain chemicals outta whack for a few days. I tell people to eat chocolate and bananas, it gets you back in balance. But trust me, the come-down's easy and the high you get from this stuff is neat."
"Okay, I'm sold. How much?"
Ryan opened the bag. "Thirty bucks a pill, I'll go twenty for you. And I can give you a lower price if you buy in bulk, I can give you a special Willow rate. My prices are a little higher than some other guys selling this stuff, but that's because there's a lot of watered-down shit out there. My pills are top of the line. 150 milligrams, that's a big dose, plus no bullshit additives. You only need to take one of these to feel happy for a good long time."
Willow fished twenty dollars out of her handbag. "Okay, let me try one, if I like it we'll talk about a bigger order."
Ryan nodded, took her money, and handed her a pill. "Take one and call me in the morning," he said.
"Hey," Willow said, as she looked closely at it. "It's got like, a little dolphin on it."
"Yeah," Ryan said, and grinned. "Isn't that just adorable?"
Willow smiled, took a can of Sprite out of her handbag, popped the pill, and washed it down.
"I'll let you know, doc," she said, and got up and walked out.
Two days later, Willow sat on her favorite little red couch--it was more like a love seat actually--at the Starbucks in a pleasant, dreamy, mellow haze, chewing Bubblicious grape gum and drinking bottled water, and feeling happier than she had ever felt in her life. She felt like dancing. She could have gotten up on one of the tables and started dancing. And she really did want to teach the world to sing.
Ryan had been absolutely right about ecstasy. He was so right, Willow had nearly gone on a date with him just to show him how thankful she was. He was so right, Willow had taken six-hundred and fifty dollars out of her savings account and bought fifty more pills from him for thirteen dollars each, the special bulk rate he said he gave only to his very best customers. He had told her to go slow, or she'd soon find that she couldn't get the same high she was getting now. And Willow was planning on going slow. Eventually. Not today.
The euphoria came in wave after gentle wave, and Willow wanted to float on those waves awhile longer...
Faith and Buffy were dating. Willow didn't think they'd had sex yet. But Faith had said she wanted to take Buffy to Boston...Faith wanted to see Evan. She and Rebecca had left Sunnydale in a hurry when Kakistos attacked and there hadn't been time to say goodbye to Evan. Faith wanted him to know she was okay. And she wanted to tell him about Buffy. She owed him that, she said. She couldn't be with him, because she couldn't ever risk exposing him to her world...but she owed it to him to at least say goodbye.
Today was Thursday. Faith was going to ask Buffy to fly out with her to Boston for the weekend. Rebecca had said she was okay with it, and then she had flown away herself. The Watchers Council wanted a full report on this Key business and Quentin Travers wanted Rebecca to give him the report in person. Rebecca would be arriving in England right about now, and tomorrow night, Faith and Buffy would leave...they would all be gone. Willow would be alone. But she was used to that. She wondered if she would always be alone.
Willow knew that when Faith and Buffy went to Boston together, they would make love...she knew Faith would let Buffy make love to her.
Thinking about that, picturing it in her mind, shattered the beautiful, dreamy haze Willow had been ensconced in. Willow felt a pang, in her stomach. She had been floating on the waves, before...but now she felt like she was sinking.
Willow hadn't been back to school, except to buy more pills. She had spent the past few days downtown, so Faith wouldn't know that she was skipping school. She wandered around in that dreamy haze, feeling, for the first time in her life, like the world was full of opportunities. All you had to do was open your eyes...
At night, Willow came back to the mansion and hung around. Faith wasn't there as much. She had been spending a lot of time with Buffy, the past few days...and they had gone out together the past two nights. Willow assumed they would be going out tonight, too.
And then tomorrow night, they would fly to Boston...and Faith would let Buffy make love to her...
Willow suddenly remembered she was supposed to let Buffy talk to her, on Tuesday... Buffy had wanted to meet her during their free period. It had completely slipped her mind. Willow had taken that first pill, and walked out of school, and hadn't looked back.
Her cell phone rang.
She fished it out of her handbag, and opened it up. Buffy was calling.
She looked at the phone, and let it ring. The ringtone was annoying. Willow decided she would need a better ringtone. Maybe the theme to Bewitched.
"Sorry Buffy, you're just a frigging buzz kill," Willow said, and giggled. All she seemed to do now was giggle. Ecstasy was awesome. Unfortunately it was past four o'clock and she had taken the pill seven hours ago and she knew she would be coming down, soon...she was already starting to feel it. The waves were smaller, less intense. Soon the sea would be calm. But it would be a gentle, gradual come-down, and Willow would still feel wonderful awhile longer.
Willow knew she'd have to talk to Buffy eventually...Faith wanted her to. And she couldn't ever say no to Faith...
For the first time in what seemed a long time, Willow thought about Buffy...about what she would say when she talked to her. She wondered whether she was willing to forgive her.
"Buffy Summers," Willow said. "Pros and cons. I'm a nerd, when in doubt make a list."
Willow leaned back on the love seat, and tried to relax. She felt pretty good again now, despite thinking about Faith and Buffy being together. Willow wasn't sure it was even possible to be in a bad mood on ecstasy anyway, even if she tried to be. She had been smiling so much since Tuesday that she thought her mouth might freeze that way.
"Well let's see, your fucking vampire boyfriend raped me, so I guess that goes in the 'con' column," Willow said. She sat up, grabbed her laptop, opened up a new document in Word Perfect, typed Buffy at the top, and then actually started typing out the list. She created two columns, one titled Pro, the other titled Con. Willow giggled at herself, for actually typing it out.
Raped by her vampire boyfriend, the Con column said.
"You stopped being my friend when Xander died, because of course Xander's death wasn't like, a big thing for me at all, right?" Willow said. She looked around. The Starbucks was busy at this time of day. College kids were sitting around with their laptops and their books, and the people who worked in the office buildings across the street were starting to shuffle in now, glassy-eyed, looking for a pick-me-up. The place was getting noisy, but Willow reminded herself to keep her voice down anyway. One of the side-effects of ecstasy, at least for Willow, was a tendency to laugh and sing and be really loud in public sometimes. "Nope, it was all about you," Willow continued, speaking softly now. "Everything in our lives is all about you. We're all just here to be part of your great, important story. You're the one girl in all the world and all that stuff. You're the star. I'm just the supporting cast. Of course you had to go off by yourself and be all broody and totally frigging ignore me when this guy I loved since I was five died. Because it was all about you, Miss One Girl in All the World." Willow giggled again, even though there was no reason to. "Yeah, callin' that 'con'. Okay, I'm totally talking to myself here. Must make sure the talking to myself doesn't start getting weird. Um, weirder." She giggled again.
Stopped being my friend first, she typed in the Con column.
"And then of course there's the whole thing where you're dating the girl I wanna be with and you're totally gonna fuck her tomorrow night," Willow said. "Con."
Stole Faith from me, she typed in the Con column.
"I gave her that necklace, Buffy," Willow said. "I did. Not you. Me."
Willow had Faith's memories. She knew Faith had never had an orgasm before. She knew Faith was afraid she was frigid...
"Bet you're gonna rock her world, though," Willow said. "The way you rocked Angel's world, right? Faith's gonna come for you."
Willow suddenly wasn't smiling anymore. She closed the laptop, and put it back in her handbag. She leaned back on the love seat, and closed her eyes, and tried to stop thinking about Buffy and Faith, and waited for the waves to come back...
"If I'm so happy, why am I being such a frigging bitch?" Willow whispered.
Her phone rang again. The ringtone was annoying again. She fished the phone out of her handbag again. She didn't recognize the caller.
"What the hell, maybe it's James Van Der Beek," she muttered, and flipped it open. "Hello?"
"Hi," a girl's voice said. "Willow?"
"Yeah. Who's this?"
"Gert. You remember, the goth girl who's petrified of vampires. Gonna scotch tape myself to you one of these days."
Willow smiled.
"Hey, Gerty," Willow said. "I was hoping you'd call. How'd it go with, y'know, the brownies and the moping?"
"It went. How do you take your coffee?"
"How do I take my coffee?"
"Yeah."
"Um, really sweet. Lots of milk, lots of cream, lots of sugar. Why?"
"Because I'm looking at you from ten feet away and now I'm buying you coffee."
Willow looked toward the counter, and saw Gertrude standing there waving at her, with a cell phone pressed to her ear.
Willow thought about asking Gertrude to buy her an extra-large super mocha cappuccino with lots of sugar and cocoa sprinkles, but then she decided she might literally explode if she added all that caffeine and sugar to the ecstasy in her system, so she settled for a coffee, with just a little bit of sugar. Willow could never understand why a "Grande" was the medium size at Starbucks, but it was, so she told Gertrude to get her that.
For herself, Gertrude ordered an extra-large super mocha cappuccino with lots of sugar and cocoa sprinkles. As Willow sat there and watched her drink it, she decided that the Goddess probably just liked to play jokes on people sometimes.
Gertrude wasn't dressed like a goth girl today. Her hair was still done in the pixie cut with the spiky bangs, but she wasn't wearing heavy makeup or a slinky outfit. She wore jeans and a funky sweater, and also some very cool, very retro pink-tinted cat-eye glasses that made Willow very jealous and also made her feel very self-conscious about her ten-dollar sunglasses she'd bought at the drugstore. Gert carried a laptop bag along with her purse. She didn't look like a goth at all now, Willow thought. She looked like a nerd. A pretty one. With awesome glasses.
"So, um...how did it go with Cassidy's parents?" Willow said.
Willow remembered she had been giggling like a maniac and talking to herself for the past few hours and she wondered how much of that Gertrude had noticed. But Willow couldn't think of a way to ask her without admitting she had been giggling like a maniac and talking to herself, so she decided to forget it and act as if she hadn't been giggling like a maniac and talking to herself. It took concentration, because she kept being tempted to jump and shout and dance and run around and giggle like a maniac, and talk to herself. The other problem was that she was horny: ecstasy made Willow incredibly, rabidly horny. It made her toes curl. Her horniness was so out of control she felt like she wanted to hump someone's leg. Willow had spent a lot of time masturbating the past few days...thinking of Faith...she'd rubbed herself raw.
"Disaster," Gertrude said. "But it sort of had to be. They never wanted her to go to school out here."
"Um...when's like, the wake, and the funeral? If it's okay...I'd like to go."
Gertrude squeezed her hand. "You're sweet," she said. "Buffy's sweet too."
When Gertrude squeezed her hand, Willow felt like she had just touched a live wire. And the other end of the wire was connected to her pussy. She remembered Ryan telling her that her skin would be extra sensitive...
Willow wondered how people got through their days without taking ecstasy. What would even be the point? Then she wondered what Gertrude would say if she jumped on top of her and kissed her. Then there was a terrible moment when Willow wondered if she had been wondering these things out loud. Then she realized she hadn't been, and she relaxed. Then she felt horny again. Then she tried to remember what Gertrude had been saying.
"Um...yeah?" Willow said.
"I called her today, she said she wanted to go too. But they're having the services for Cassidy back in Rhode Island. I'm flying out in the morning. I wanted to see you before I left."
Willow smiled, but without mirth this time. "Everyone's leaving," she muttered.
"What?"
"Nothing. How'd you know I was here?"
"I didn't. Buffy didn't know where you were, she told me to tell you to call her, by the way. I just wanted to see this freaky town for myself. And I'm always finding myself in a Starbucks. I've been around the world, and no matter where I go I always end up at a Starbucks. I've been to the Starbucks in Romania for Christ's sake. Did you know there was a Starbucks in Romania? Actually there's like half a dozen of them in Romania. Frigging Starbucks. It's like a black hole. Just keeps on sucking me in."
"Yeah!" Willow said, too loud. "Seriously! I mean this place is all like, completely corporate and it's like totally The Man squeezing out all the nice little Mom and Pop coffee places and we keep on totally coming back! Why is that?"
Gertrude frowned, and sighed. "Because the coffee's frigging awesome," she muttered.
"Yeah," Willow said, and frowned, and sighed.
Then they laughed.
"I mean, almost every little thing about this place is awesome," Willow said. "The music can be a little too...something, I'm not sure, but...the couches, and the coffee, and how the people behind the counter never shoo you away even if you hang around all day long just working on your laptop and you only buy like one little coffee the entire day? And...and the paintings on the walls! They're awesome too! They're not prints, they're real paintings and I know like, art snobs at my school who say they suck, but I like them! Starbucks has good taste. I mean, y'know, the people who buy paintings for Starbucks."
"Yeah," Gertrude said. "I like the paintings too, and I hate the fact that I like them. They have a nice Expressionist feel and I'd love to own one. And I bet if you took one of these paintings out of here and hung it in a gallery instead the art snobs would think it was neat."
"Yeah!" Willow shouted. "Stupid art snobs."
Gertrude smiled. "And actually, maybe it really is Starbucks who buys the paintings. I have this theory that Starbucks gained sentience somewhere around the time it expanded overseas and now it's plotting to enslave us all."
"Plotting? It's already done it. If Starbucks was like, Hey Willow, could ya maybe go overthrow the government for me? I'd be all like, Hokeley-dokeley Mister Starbucks, sir!"
"Willow, you're high as a kite," Gertrude said. "Are you okay?"
"Um...what? I'm not...no I'm not," Willow said.
"I'm not a narc. I'm just a little worried about you. Buffy says you haven't been in school and she says you're supposed to be like, all about school. And now I find you sitting in a Starbucks high on...what, exactly? What did you take? Obviously an upper, whatever it is."
"I didn't take anything," Willow said, and blushed. "I don't...I don't do drugs."
Gertrude caressed her hand.
"I smoked heroin after that vampire killed Cassidy," Gertrude said. "I needed it to get through the night. What did you need to get through today?"
Willow looked down at the table.
"Ecstasy," Willow said. "I wanted to...y'know...feel good. Haven't been feelin' too good lately."
"This thing where you're skipping school," Gertrude said. "Don't you think you're maybe getting your family worried? I know Buffy's worried about you."
"My Mom and Dad don't give a shit about me, never did," Willow said. "I've been practically living at Becca's mansion for two months and my parents haven't said a word. Becca's in England for a few days. I'll get my act together by the time she comes back."
Gertrude nodded. Then she took off Willow's sunglasses.
"Wait!" Willow said, and tried to grab Gertrude's hand, but she had zero coordination right now and she missed. Willow blinked, and looked away from Gertrude, and shaded her eyes with her hand.
"Sorry," Gertrude said, and smiled again. "Just wanted to see your eyes. Wanted to make sure you're okay. You look fine."
"I...I do? My eyes look okay?"
"Yeah. Is ecstasy the only thing you're taking? You taking anything else?"
Willow was relieved that her eyes had gone back to green. But now that she thought about it, it seemed obvious that they would. You couldn't stay angry on ecstasy...
"I smoke some weed sometimes," Willow said. "Other than that, no."
Gertrude was looking carefully at her. She hadn't let go of her hand. Willow loved her caress.
"What?" Willow said. "It's not like, y'know, I'm not in my right mind or something. I'm not like, having an acid trip. I can still think, I'm not wasted. I'm just...feelin' good, that's all."
"I know, I've done ecstasy," Gertrude said. "I do drugs sometimes, so I'm not gonna give you a lecture. Ecstasy is fun, you can't get in too much trouble with it. Just make sure you stay hydrated, don't let yourself get too hot. But be careful, Willow. I don't just mean about ecstasy, I mean drugs in general. It's fun at first but it can turn into a snake pit really quick. There are traps. And you're a sweet, sweet kid, and I wouldn't want to see you get caught up too far in this stuff...I don't think it's for you."
"Sweet kid? How old are you supposed to be?"
"I'm twenty-one. You're, what, maybe like seventeen?"
"Yeah. You're twenty-one? Really?"
Gertrude laughed. "You gonna tell me I don't look it? I'm not at the age yet where that kind of thing is really a compliment."
"Sorry. But..." Willow looked closely at her. Gertrude was beautiful, Willow was realizing. Behind those glasses, she had beautiful almond eyes... "Well...you maybe look nineteen. But you're totally pretty, Gerty."
"And you're totally the cutest thing I've ever seen, Willow, especially when you're high. And if you wanna tell me when I'm thirty that I don't look my age, I'll probably kiss you."
"Hurry up and turn thirty," Willow said, and laughed.
Gertrude paused a moment before she spoke again.
"What happened to Faith?" Gertrude said.
"Dating Buffy," Willow said.
"That sucks," Gertrude said. "Nothing against Buffy, but...I could see how you feel about Faith. Have you told Faith?"
"No."
"Are you going to?"
"Can I tell you some crazy stuff?" Willow said.
"You mean there's more?" Gertrude said.
"Okay," Gertrude said, two hours and two extra-large super mocha cappuccinos with lots of sugar and cocoa sprinkles, one for her and one for Willow, later. "That's...that's...some crazy stuff. Could you maybe add a disclaimer saying that it might not be true because you're high right now?"
"Wish I could, sweetie," Willow said. "Can't. And actually, I'm totally not high anymore, the ecstasy's totally worn off now. So be on the lookout for mood swings and random bitchiness."
"Okay, so...you've got Faith's memories," Gertrude said. "Because of some crazy magic spell thing. Because, oh yeah, you're a witch..."
"Samantha," Willow said. "Not Sabrina."
"Samantha's way hotter. So you remember Faith getting that necklace she wears when she was nine, and you also remember that you were the one who gave it to her. An adult you, older than you are now. Which means...what, time travel?" Gertrude shook her head. "Jesus Christ, I can't believe I'm even saying this shit. I'm starting to think I'm high."
"Plus dark hair," Willow said.
"What?"
"I'm totally a brunette in the future."
"You dye your hair in the future? Or do you dye it now?"
Willow giggled. "You askin' me if there's fire in the hole?"
Gertrude took her hand. "Okay, leaving that question aside for now. So you feel like you've been kinda falling for Faith since she saved your life a couple months ago, and you guys always get along like two peas in a pod even though you're both really different, she's like a tough chick and you're just a total cutie to die for, and then bang, you get her memories, and everything just gets...intense. And you feel like you're just in head over heels, slap-me-silly-and-call-me-Sally love, but part of you isn't sure, because you always thought you were straight, and now you think Faith, who's kinda bi, maybe like, rewired your head a little bit when you got her memories. So you love her but you're wondering if it'll wear off. And you wanna tell her but you can see she's happy with Buffy, and if you tell her and it wears off and you're suddenly Willow the straight girl again, that would totally hurt Faith and you care about her too much to do that. But then there's that necklace...you feel like, if the future version of you gave it to her, maybe you guys are sort of...meant to be. That about cover everything? I mean, about the Faith stuff, and the reasons why you're getting high every day? The stuff about Hellmouths and giant snakes and vampires with souls and cool hair we can get into later."
"Yeah," Willow said. "Plus I'm a virgin and I don't wanna be one anymore."
Willow gasped. She hadn't meant to say that...she had just blurted it out...
"Um...um...I mean..." Willow stuttered, trying to come up with something, some way to take it back. "I mean...that was just...I was just kidding."
Gertrude smiled, as Willow blushed, and hid her face.
"Um...no, really, I'm just...y'know, when it wears off you get like, mood swings and... I'm just...sayin' stupid stuff," Willow said.
"Okay, two things," Gertrude said. "One, there's nothing wrong with being a virgin, and I mean, shit, Willow, you're only seventeen. Relax. Stop and smell the roses. And two, how come you don't wanna be a virgin anymore?"
"I don't know," Willow said. "I just...wanna be with someone, y'know? Someone nice."
Gertrude leaned in closer to her. She caressed Willow's cheek.
"Why the big hurry, honeybunch?" Gertrude whispered. "Plenty of time. Find that special someone. Don't settle for less."
Willow felt warm, when Gertrude leaned against her. And Gertrude's perfume, an earthy, musky mix of woody scents, made Willow's skin tingle...
Willow felt her heart beating faster.
"The world ended a couple days ago," Willow said. "I know, this sounds crazy, just listen. It's a long story, but basically, the bad guys managed to magically get rid of the sun and release the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse on Tuesday. Everything went to hell, without the sun vampires were roaming around everywhere, attacking people in public, trying to kill us all. Billions of people, billions, died. The government fell. President Gingrich was killed, the government moved into like an emergency bunker. The vampires were burning everything in sight, California became a ghost town, there were bodies in the streets, everyone was dead. People I care about were dead. Then we found like this ceremony I could do, where I could pray on behalf of humanity and an angel would come down and listen. I was the only person in the world who could do the ceremony, it was meant for me. And I did it, and the angel came down, and she sent me back in time to Monday, so we could stop the apocalypse before it started. That Key thing Spike had, the one you saw disappear right in the palm of my hand? He was gonna sell it to the bad guys and that would've gotten rid of the sun and released the Horsemen and ended the world. So we stopped the apocalypse, but...I just feel like...like I should stop wasting time. Like I should frigging grow up. I'm tired of being cute. I wanna be..."
Gertrude held her finger against Willow's lip.
"Shush," Gertrude said. "Please? I like, order you to shush until I've processed this."
Gertrude leaned back on the love seat, and processed it. It took her a moment. Willow watched her. She wondered what she would look like without her clothes on. She pictured Gertrude on top of her...making love to her.
Gertrude was still holding her hand. Willow loved the way it felt.
"Okay," Gertrude said. "Okay...okay. Um...damn. God damn."
"Yeah, pretty much," Willow said.
"What are you gonna do about Faith?"
"I don't know. But...she's planning on going to Boston for the weekend with Buffy and...I think...they're gonna...y'know..."
Willow blushed again.
"Weekend trip," Gertrude said. "A girl says yes when you ask her to go away for the weekend and you pretty much know..."
"Yeah," Willow said.
Her eyes filled with tears. Gertrude hugged her.
"How about I make you dinner," Gertrude said. "You can tell me more crazy scary stories about how you're like, Nancy Drew with superpowers. And I can regale you with thrilling tales of all the Starbucks I've visited while I've traveled around the world. Sound good?"
"You wanna...make me dinner?" Willow said.
Gertrude smiled.
"Yeah, Willow, I do," Gertrude said. "I think you're smart and funny and a cutie to die for and I'd love to cook for you tonight. Unless...I mean, you've just come down from being high and maybe you just wanna go home and rest? You want me to drive you home?"
"No," Willow said. "I want...I want you to cook dinner for me."
"You like eggplant parmesan? Plus my awesome home-made double fudge brownies. Ecstasy girls need lots of chocolate."
Willow smiled. "Sounds awesome. And I'm starving."
"Okay, so I have a cat," Gertrude said, as she unlocked the door, and ushered Willow into her apartment. "Lesbian with a cat. Maybe sometimes stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason. But I refuse to drink herbal tea."
The apartment reminded Willow of Giles' house. It was a homey, cluttered little place. The furniture was old and a little scuffed, and pleasantly frumpy. Everything seemed to be done in dark wood, and there were little antique lamps everywhere, that gave the room a warm, golden glow. When Willow walked across the old scuffed wood floor her feet made a clomping sound.
The living room was cluttered, but not disagreeably so; the clutter made it look lived in, and gave it character. The room was packed full of books and exotic knick-knacks. Nearly every wall had a bookshelf, and the bookshelves were full. They weren't full of perfectly arranged leatherbound hardcovers that looked like they had never been read and were only there for show, either. The books on the shelves were tattered old things, well-used.
"You or Cassidy, with all the books?" Willow said.
"Me," Gertrude said. "I'm a total bookie."
"E is for Edward, who choked on a peach," Willow said.
"F is for fanny, sucked dry by a leech," Gertrude said, and grinned.
"Can I marry you right now?" Willow said.
"That might be going a little fast," Gertrude said. "How's this..."
Gertrude kissed her.
It was electric. Willow moaned, and blushed, as Gertrude's tongue gently parted her lips, and came inside...it fit, just right.
"Um...okay...that was...um..." Willow murmured.
"Too fast?" Gertrude whispered, as she held Willow in her arms.
"Too awesome," Willow said, and smiled.
"Can I kiss or what?" Gertrude said, and giggled.
Gertrude was tall, Willow suddenly noticed; when they had been in the Starbucks together they had been sitting. Now, when Gertrude held her in her arms, Willow had to look up slightly. She liked that.
"Need another one to know for sure," Willow said.
"Pervo kid," Gertrude murmured, and kissed her again...and made Willow moan again.
"Yup, you...sure can kiss," Willow whispered, as she blushed.
"So can you, cutie. C'mon, let me give you the nickel tour. Plus maybe I can introduce you to Bill, if he's not feeling too pissy today."
"Bill?"
"The cat."
Willow followed Gertrude through the house. Gertrude kept her arm around Willow's waist, and caressed her there as they walked, gently moving her fingers over Willow's hip. It was one of Willow's most sensitive spots, though Willow hadn't ever realized it before now. Willow felt like they were making love...and maybe they were. Gertrude was always in contact with her. She kept her arm around Willow's waist, and sometimes she held her hand, or caressed her cheek, and sometimes she kissed her. After a little while, Willow leaned her head on Gertrude's shoulder as they walked, and whenever Gertrude took her hand from her waist, Willow brought it back.
"Cutie to die for," Gertrude whispered in Willow's ear sometimes, just before she kissed her. Willow had been shy at first, when they kissed. Gertrude's tongue would seduce her, slip inside her like a stealthy invader. But after awhile Willow started meeting Gertrude's tongue with her own...she met the invader at the gate, and let her inside.
The apartment was all very much the same as the living room, except the books were replaced with other kinds of clutter. The galley kitchen was cluttered with hanging pans and a giant collection of spices and a motley assortment of old liquor bottles arranged in rows on top of the refrigerator like pipes atop an organ, and the cupboard was topped with a collection of antique china cups with Hummel images painted on to them.
"I hate actual Hummels," Gertrude said, as she slipped her hand underneath Willow's blouse, and held it against her waist there. "But I love 'em on cups. Go figure."
The apartment wasn't messy, exactly; the clutter was neat and ordered. It was just that the place was bursting with things. A lot of them were things Gertrude had brought back from her travels; she really had traveled the world. In every room there were paintings and sculptures and little trinkets arranged on the shelves that whispered to Willow of faraway places...a new start.
Gertrude pulled a pitcher of orange juice out of the refrigerator, and she took a big dish wrapped in tinfoil from the table. Then she went to the cabinet and took down a tall glass.
"OJ and brownies," Gertrude said. "This stuff will help you to not crash and burn after the ecstasy. We'll go to my mellow out room and mellow out before dinner."
"Okay," Willow said, and took the pitcher and the glass from Gertrude, and brought her hand back to her waist, under her blouse. They left the kitchen, and passed a little den that was cluttered with maps and atlases and scrimshaw carvings and stacks of old travel magazines.
"Yeah...I kinda have a lot of stuff," Gertrude said. "I'm sort of a pack rat. I guess I just hate parting with things. Even the damned cat. He followed me home and I just couldn't ever make myself get rid of him."
There was another room next to the den, with the door closed.
"Cassidy's room over there," Gertrude said. "They took her stuff."
And then Gertrude took Willow down the hall, into a room with a mountainous stereo system that scraped the ceiling, and piles and piles of records and CD's--thousands of them.
"That's...a lot of music," Willow said.
"Some of it was Cassidy's," Gertrude said. "We both loved music. I couldn't remember what belonged to who though, so I just said screw it and kept it all. Except Corey Hart. I let her parents have those."
"I'm sorry about Cassidy, sweetie," Willow said.
"Thanks," Gertrude said. "But I did my crying. Like I said, I didn't know her very long, but...it's just...such a fucking waste, y'know?"
Gertrude kissed Willow again.
"But I don't want to think about that today, okay?" Gertrude said. "I don't want to think about...about vampires and how we could all die any second. I wanna think about living. Okay?"
"Okay," Willow said.
"What we're headed toward," Gertrude whispered. "If we're heading there too fast, I want you to tell me, okay? You're worth the wait, Willow. I can wait."
"I don't wanna wait," Willow whispered, and took Gertrude's glasses off, and looked up into her beautiful almond eyes, and kissed her. "Today's been like a roller coaster day, but...I really like you a lot, Gerty, and...I want to...I mean, if you want to...if, y'know, you think I'm--"
Gertrude touched her finger to Willow's lips.
"This is my mellow out room," Gertrude said. "Let's mellow out."
"Okay," Willow said. "But, um...I've never been too great at being mellow. Hyper's my thing. I'm sort of always over-caffeinated."
Gertrude kissed Willow's neck.
"Then I guess being mellow is one of the things I'm gonna teach you tonight," Gertrude whispered in her ear, and led her into the room. They put the juice and the brownies on the coffee table, and Gertrude sat on an old, lumpy green couch. She pulled Willow toward her, and took her in her lap. Willow giggled, when Gertrude pulled her down into her lap.
"Better not tickle me, girlfriend," Willow said.
"Ticklish, huh?" Gertrude said. "I'll keep that in mind."
"You better not," Willow said, and giggled again, like a little girl.
Gertrude put her arm around Willow, and rested her other hand on Willow's knee, under her skirt. "You feeling mellow?"
"Kinda like, all revved up," Willow said. "But I ain't complaining."
Willow caught herself. She concentrated...this had happened a few times before. She needed to find herself again...and not panic.
"Are you okay, Willow?" Gertrude said. "You look...a little nervous, all of a sudden."
"Five by five," Willow said. "I...I mean..."
Willow started shaking. Willow couldn't find her...no matter where she looked she couldn't find her now...
She couldn't find Willow.
Gertrude hugged her.
"After you come down from ecstasy things can be strange," Gertrude said. "We'll just hang in here and be mellow, okay? The brownies and juice will help. Have some juice."
"Yeah, uh...you know what?" Willow said. "I just gotta...go to the bathroom real quick."
"End of the hall," Gertrude said. "I bet you're just gonna hide from me and make me come find you."
Willow giggled again, and took Gertrude suddenly by the wrists, and pinned her to the couch, and jumped on top of her like a restless kitten. She smiled down at her...she showed Gertrude her teeth.
"Got it backwards, G," Willow said. "You're not here when I get back, I'm gonna come lookin' for you."
She stopped herself, and got up.
"Uh...be right back," Willow said.
When she got to the bathroom, Willow splashed cold water on her face, and tried not to panic. She did what she always did now when she was afraid...she thought of what Rebecca would do.
She'd think her way out, Willow thought.
Willow sat on the toilet, and thought about things.
She had been looking for Willow, but Willow kept on slipping through her fingers...
One of the most effective problem-solving tools is actually the simplest thing you can imagine, she remembered Rebecca saying to Faith once. If what you're doing isn't working and you find yourself stuck, try the exact opposite approach. Turn the situation around. Turn it inside out, look at it from the other end...
So Willow stopped searching for her. Instead, she just sat there, and relaxed, and didn't think about anything at all. She didn't think about Willow...didn't seek her out...
A moment later, Willow came to her.
When Willow got back to the mellow out room, there was music playing, softly: Tori Amos. Little Earthquakes. And Gertrude had poured her a glass of orange juice, and the tinfoil was off the brownies.
"Eat, drink," Gertrude said. She held out her arms. "And be cuddly."
Willow smiled, and sat back down in Gertrude's lap.
"I've been bad, Santa," Willow said.
"You're getting coal in your stocking, young lady," Gertrude said. "Drink juice now. And maybe I'll reconsider about the coal."
Gertrude took the glass of juice from the coffee table, and held it to Willow's lips. Willow drank it all. She hadn't realized how thirsty she was.
"Being dehydrated sort of sneaks up on you," Gertrude said, and hugged Willow, and brought her to her bosom, and kissed her forehead. "Better?"
"Yeah," Willow said.
"Try some of my awesome brownies," Gertrude said. "Chocolate will help. We'll have dessert before we have dinner, okay, honeybunch? I made up eggplant parmesan and meatballs this morning, all we have to do is throw it in the oven."
"Sounds good," Willow said.
Gertrude took a brownie from the plate, and held it up to Willow's mouth. Willow giggled, and ate it out of her hand.
"You gonna feed me the brownies?" Willow said, smiling with her mouth full.
"I'll peel you a grape if you want, my liege," Gertrude said.
"You're like...totally sweeping me off my feet, Gerty," Willow said. She giggled. "Um...kinda literally actually, right now."
"Makes it easier to feel you up," Gertrude said, and tickled Willow's stomach. Willow screamed with laughter, and tried to pull Gertrude's hand away. Gertrude relented.
Willow curled up against Gertrude's breasts.
"This is...like the kind of thing I fantasize about," Willow whispered. "Okay, it used to be a guy in the fantasies...but it was always like this. Some great-looking guy, like, being totally romantic and taking care of me...I always got swept off my feet."
"Settle for a great-looking girl?" Gertrude said.
Gertrude picked another brownie from the plate, and held it in the palm of her hand. Willow smiled, and ate it out of her palm.
"These really are awesome brownies by the way," Willow said. "And um, how is it that eating brownies is making me incredibly...um..." Willow started laughing.
Gertrude laughed too, and kissed her again.
"You ain't seen nothin' yet," Gertrude said.
"I got...brownie breath," Willow whispered.
"You taste sweet," Gertrude whispered back.
They kissed for a long while after that, as Willow laid in Gertrude's lap, her head curled against Gertrude's bosom, and Gertrude fed her brownies. Gertrude took Willow's shoes off, and caressed Willow from her feet all the way back up to her thighs, and the moans Willow had been trying to hold back since Gertrude had first touched her in the Starbucks all came whispering out of her now, like a long-kept secret she was finally revealing...
Willow kissed Gertrude's breasts, over her sweater.
A framed Gauguin print hung in that room: Willow found herself staring at it sometimes, as Gertrude massaged her legs and her feet. The painting depicted a beautiful, fair-skinned, dark-haired girl sleeping naked, as if she was in a trance, in an autumn landscape rendered in broad, powerful bands of bright color, reds and greens and browns and blues, bounded by dark outlines. The naked girl held a plucked flower in one hand, and with her other hand she embraced a fox, who looked down into her sleeping eyes with his paw resting over her heart, as if he had captured her.
"You like that print?" Gertrude said.
"Love it," Willow said. "Is that...a Gauguin?"
"Yeah. She's my beautiful girl."
"Can I ask you like, some random questions? I mean, I don't know that much about you yet. Great kisser, great brownies, that's about it."
"Mmm-hmm."
It was hard for Willow to concentrate, as she laid in Gertrude's lap...she felt so good that she just wanted to go to sleep in her arms.
"What's your last name?" Willow said.
"Vanderveer," Gertrude said. "You?"
"Rosenberg. And I'm just wondering about...um...your ethnicity I guess? Like, your eyes look Asian, but...you have some freckles, and pale skin, and now your name is Vanderveer. I've never seen anyone who looks like you, it's...exotic, in this completely jump-on-able way."
"Jump-on-able?"
"It's a Willow word. There's lots of Willow words, you're just gonna have to get used to them. Like 'boink'."
Gertrude narrowed her eyes, and grinned. "Boink? What's boink mean?"
"Um...I'll tell you later. So like...I'm gonna take a stab. Japanese-Dutch?"
"Pretty much. My grandma on my mother's side is Japanese, my mother's half Japanese, half Irish. My Dad's Dutch with a little French-Canadian thrown in. I'm sort of a mutt. People talk about this country being a melting pot, my whole family's a melting pot. I guess that's why I got the itch to travel. And you're Jewish?"
"Yeah. Um...Jewish-American. Not, y'know, actually from Israel."
"Okay. But that doesn't really help me with the mystery of whether or not there's fire in the hole, Nancy Drew. Plenty of Jewish redheads around."
"Guess you're just gonna have to keep looking for clues," Willow said.
"I'm gonna solve the mystery," Gertrude whispered, and moved her hand underneath Willow's skirt, to her panties. Willow gasped, and instinctively closed her legs.
But then she opened them.
"I'm just gonna take a little peek, okay honeybunch?" Gertrude said, and began gently pulling Willow's panties down.
"Um...um...o-okay," Willow said, as she felt herself becoming even wetter there...
Gertrude pulled Willow's panties down to her ankles. Willow blushed like a fire engine when Gertrude did it, and she couldn't meet Gertrude's eyes.
Gertrude lifted Willow's skirt, and looked at her there. Willow still couldn't look at Gertrude. But she opened her legs a little wider for her, so Gertrude could see her.
"Brunette," Gertrude whispered.
Willow nodded. She was soaked...she felt like she was melting.
Gertrude lifted Willow's head, and looked down into her eyes. Then she smiled, and kissed her.
Neither of them said anything for a moment. Willow laid in Gertrude's lap, looking up into her eyes, naked for her.
"You're the girl in the painting," Gertrude finally said, and gestured to the Gauguin print.
Willow looked at the Gauguin print. She still had her legs open, as she laid in Gertrude's lap...she was still revealed to her.
Gertrude hiked Willow's skirt up to her waist. Willow opened her legs a little more.
"What's that painting called?" Willow whispered.
"The Loss of Virginity," Gertrude said. "I swear I'm not making that up."
Willow started giggling, naked in Gertrude's lap.
Then she spread her legs wide for Gertrude...let her see how wet she was.
She wanted to come for Gertrude...she wanted Gertrude to make her come.
"No, seriously, you gotta be kidding me," Willow said. "What's it really called?"
"See the little plucked flower she's holding?" Gertrude said, and kissed her again. "The sly fox, with its paw on her heart? I minor in Art History. I know this stuff."
Gertrude brushed her fingers against Willow's pussy lips. Willow moaned, and a shudder went through her.
"Do you want me to stop?" Gertrude whispered.
"No," Willow whispered, and closed her eyes...and surrendered to it...
Like the girl in the painting...
"Such a pretty flower," Gertrude whispered in her ear.
Gertrude moved her fingers up and down Willow's pussy lips, and Willow moved her hips in time to her strokes.
"The painting's...really called...The Loss of Virginity?" Willow gasped, as she felt the first ripples of her orgasm spreading through her, so quickly...
"Now you're my beautiful girl," Gertrude whispered, as Willow came for her.
"Spoiled frigging cat," Gertrude muttered, as she sat naked on the edge of her bed, leaning over and watching Bill eat a plate of eggplant parmesan that she had set down on the floor for him.
Bill was a big, black shorthaired cat of indeterminate breed, with a long, muscular body and striking emerald-green eyes, and Willow thought he was just the prettiest thing. And she was a witch, after all...
"Hi Bill," Willow said, waving down at the cat and practically singing the words. She was lying naked beside Gertrude, kissing the small of her back. Bill ignored her, and concentrated on his eggplant parmesan. But Willow went right on smiling. She had been smiling for hours now.
Having Gertrude's tongue between her legs was better than ecstasy...
Willow looked around the bedroom. She'd hardly noticed the room in that first, frenzied wave of passion, when they practically sprinted in there, tearing each other's clothes off as they ran. Somehow Gertrude had managed to throw the eggplant parmesan in the oven while hopping around on one foot as she tore off her jeans and her socks, and she had laughed while Willow ran after her, like a cat in heat, and yanked her sweater off of her while showering her with kisses...it was like a three-legged sack race as they got naked and then bolted into the bedroom, but somehow they managed not to fall until they reached the bed. Then they fell into each other.
Gertrude's bedroom was cluttered. It was cluttered with shelves of books, and there was a big old antique roll top writing desk in the corner, buried under a mountain of notebooks and papers. A long row of bonsai plants stood in front of the windows, each one in a hand-made folk art style tiled pot with designs created from putting together dozens of fragments from broken pottery and china pieces. Willow thought the pots were interesting. And there was a huge painting on the wall, a Japanese ink painting of pine trees...
Willow giggled, and kissed Gertrude's ass as Gertrude bent over the side of the bed, frowning at Bill.
"Bill will warm up to you eventually," Gertrude said, and laid back down beside her. "Actually I'm totally lying. He probably won't. He's just a rude little bastard. Probably because he's from Texas. He followed me home from Texas."
"He followed you home from Texas?"
"Bill's ornery. And fiendishly clever. And a frigging spoiled cat," she added with emphasis, as she frowned down at Bill again. Bill ignored her.
"I'm a spoiled cat too," Willow said, and giggled, and kissed Gertrude's breasts. Gertrude had an amazing body, a supermodel body, Willow thought. She was tall and leggy, with no fat on her, but she had boobs too...and hips...and beautiful eyes...and a beautiful smile...
And an amazing tongue...
"What did you major in?" Willow said, as Gertrude put her arms around her again, and caressed her hips. "Oh Goddess, it...feels so awesome when you do that, baby..."
"You're really sensitive down around your hips," Gertrude said. "I'm like, drawing a mental Willow map. A map of all your sensitive spots. So far it's your hips, your feet, and your awesome amazing perfectly shaped boobs."
"I think my pussy's kinda sensitive too," Willow said. "Y'know, with how you made me come five-thousand times. Is that what you majored in, pussy-licking? Because I can definitely tell you that if you're still taking classes, you can stop. You don't need any more classes. You should be the one teaching classes."
"I'm a psych major," Gertrude said. "Pussy-licking's just my hobby."
Willow looked up into her eyes.
"Gerty...I wanna take classes," Willow said. "You've done all this stuff for me and...I've hardly done anything to you. It's not that I don't wanna, it's just...I'm worried...y'know...I won't do it right. Give me classes?"
"You've done plenty of stuff, Nancy Drew," Gertrude whispered. "You went looking for clues all over me."
"I haven't solved the mystery yet," Willow said.
Willow's cell phone rang, down beside the bed where her handbag was. Her phone had been ringing a lot, and it was getting annoying. She sighed.
"You really should answer it this time," Gertrude said. "People are probably worried about you, honeybunch. Buffy was worried this morning, imagine how worried she is now that you haven't come home."
"Fuck Buffy," Willow said.
Gertrude went into Willow's handbag, and pulled out her cell phone. It had stopped ringing. She opened it up and looked at it.
"It was Buffy," she said.
"Who else called?" Willow said. "The thing has been ringing like every twenty minutes. Check my recent calls list."
Gertrude pressed some buttons. "Buffy, Faith, Faith, Faith, Faith, Faith, Buffy," Gertrude said. "In that order. You should call them. I know you're pissed at Buffy for how she acted about Xander. I know that, honeybunch. But at least check in with Faith so they don't worry."
"Next time someone calls, I'll answer," Willow said. Then she smiled. "If you promise to enroll me in Pussy Licking 101."
"Deal," Gertrude said.
Willow kissed her way down Gertrude's stomach. She hadn't licked Gertrude's pussy yet because she was afraid: afraid she'd do it wrong, afraid she wouldn't be able to make Gertrude come, afraid she wouldn't like the way a girl tasted...but she knew the only thing she could do was try it and hope for the best...
Willow thought it would break her heart, if she didn't like the way Gertrude tasted.
Gertrude opened her legs for her, and Willow moved down in between them. Gertrude's pussy was small, with thin, delicate-looking pink lips, and it was completely shaven.
Willow didn't mind how it looked at all. In fact, she thought it looked like a little pink rose. She was glad.
"Start with a little kiss," Gertrude whispered.
Willow kissed Gertrude's pussy lips. Gertrude was wet there. Her pussy lips tasted tangy, like lemon...
Willow smiled. They tasted good.
And they smelled good, she suddenly realized...Gertrude's scent was having an effect on her. It was like a sudden sugar rush...
"Lick the outside of the lips, up and down," Gertrude whispered. "Don't go inside yet, just go slow, honeybunch."
"Like this?" Willow whispered, as she started licking Gertrude's pussy lips.
Gertrude closed her eyes, and let out a soft, sweet moan.
"Just like that," Gertrude whispered.
"You're a quick learner," Gertrude said, as she sat on the edge of the bed, and Willow knelt in front of her, and licked her pussy. "Plus you're all about the extra study time."
After Willow made Gertrude come that first time, after she felt Gertrude's orgasm against her lips, felt Gertrude's whole body quiver and spasm beneath her like a great rushing river, after she heard Gertrude squeal, and then scream for her, and she tasted Gertrude's pussy juice, tangy like lemons on her tongue, Willow realized she immediately wanted to do it again. So she did...
"Do I get a gold star, Ms. Vanderveer?" Willow murmured, as she kissed Gertrude's clit, and then gently began sucking on it. Gertrude had small, delicate pussy lips, but her clit was a good size; a perfect size to suck on...
"Absolutely, baby," Gertrude said, and threw her head back, and closed her eyes.
Willow's cell phone rang.
"Remember our deal," Gertrude said.
Willow nodded, and grabbed her cell phone from the floor. She flipped it open...Faith was calling.
Willow looked up at Gertrude, and smiled. She held her finger to her lips.
"Hello?" Willow said. Then she listened, and kissed Gertrude's pussy while she did.
"Oh...I'm somewhere, sweetie," Willow said, and giggled.
Gertrude smiled, and raised her eyebrows. Willow held her finger to her lips again, and began licking her pussy in earnest.
"Well right now I'm kinda just...havin' a snack," Willow said, and suppressed another giggle.
Gertrude leaned forward, and smiled, and held out her hand. Willow gave her the cell phone.
"Hi, um..." Gertrude started to say.
"Faith," Willow whispered.
"Faith?" Gertrude said. "This is Gertrude...y'know, the girl from the bar Monday night? Will's with me, she's fine, we're hanging out at my place. You don't gotta worry, she's just being a cute little goof right now. Hold on a sec?"
Gertrude covered the phone, and looked down at Willow.
"I didn't say stop, y'know," Gertrude said. "Don't you want that gold star?"
"Yes, Ms. Vanderveer," Willow whispered in a sultry tone, and then giggled again, and went back to licking her pussy.
"I'm not a virgin anymore," Willow said, with a sleepy smile, as Gertrude drove her back to the mansion late the next morning in her terrible old green 1977 Chevy Vega. "You like, totally plucked my flower."
Gertrude smiled. "I did, honeybunch," she said. "It was a pretty flower, too."
They hadn't slept. They had made love all night and into the morning...
Gertrude had missed her flight to Rhode Island for her, and had to reschedule for an afternoon flight. But Willow didn't want her to go. So then they had decided to go to Rhode Island together, and make a Thanksgiving vacation out of it after the wake and the funeral. Gertrude had been to Rhode Island before, and she knew a great old bed and breakfast...she had already booked them a room for two weeks.
They were driving back to the mansion to pack Willow's things, and say goodbye.
"I bet this isn't gonna go over well," Gertrude said. "I'm a psych major. Keen student of the human mind over here."
"Think I'm gonna get all bitchy at Buffy?" Willow said, as they bounced around. The Vega made every pothole an adventure. But Gertrude was planning on buying a new car. "Buy something with a nice, big backseat," Willow had said.
"You've had too much great sex to be bitchy at anyone for awhile," Gertrude said. "I think they're gonna be bitchy at you. And most definitely at me."
"I'm not staying to talk," Willow said. "Got a plane to catch. So do they."
Faith and Buffy were waiting for them in the driveway. Willow noticed Faith was wearing her purple beret. She almost always was...
Buffy was wearing a long black leather coat...the same one she had seen Buffy wearing at Rebecca's mansion a few nights before. Willow had been raiding Buffy's closet for a long time, and that coat seemed new...Buffy looked good in it, Willow thought.
"And away we go," Gertrude said.
"Sweetie, you're not gonna be like, embarrassed or anything, right?" Willow said. "I don't want you to feel like..."
"Nah, I'm good," Gertrude said, and smiled. "Stuff bounces off me."
When Gertrude parked the car, Buffy and Faith's jaws practically dropped. They both instantly recovered, and Gertrude didn't seem to notice, as she was struggling with the gearshift and muttering her usual curses at the car at that particular moment. But Willow noticed.
For a second, Willow didn't understand it...
Then she knew.
Willow and Gertrude had showered that morning, but then they had made love one more time just before they left Gertrude's apartment. Willow had wanted to lick Gertrude's pussy again, she wanted to feel Gertrude's delectable body quivering and spasming and coming for her again, and she had gotten down on her knees in front of Gertrude and taken her time. Willow squeezed Gertrude's tangy lemon dry. But Buffy and Faith were Slayers...they would have smelled Gertrude on her now...smelled Gertrude's sex.
It didn't matter, Willow thought. She was about to tell them anyway.
She noticed Faith had a strange look in her eyes. Faith was touching her pendant now, turning it over in her fingers. It wasn't giving off any light. It was dull as a brick.
Might as well get this over with, Willow thought.
She got out of the car, and approached Faith and Buffy. Gertrude got out with her, and leaned against the hood.
"Hi, guys," Gertrude said.
Gertrude looked perfectly at ease, Willow thought. That was helpful. If their situations were reversed, Willow knew she would have been anxious, in Gertrude's place.
"Hi," Buffy said.
"What's up," Faith said. But neither of them were looking at Gertrude.
Willow had thought she was angry with Faith...she thought she would be angry with her now. But she wasn't...she couldn't be. When she approached Faith, she felt herself smiling.
"Hi, sweetie," Willow said. "Sorry, y'know, I've been kinda MIA? And I wish I could stay to talk, but I can't. Gerty and I are going to Rhode Island for a couple weeks, our flight's in an hour and I just came here to grab my stuff..."
"Rhode Island?" Faith said. "You're...leaving?"
"Yeah," Willow said. "For a couple weeks. I need to relax, clear my head."
"Thanks for talking to me on Tuesday," Buffy said.
Willow turned toward her. Buffy's face was red.
"Don't have time for the patented Buffy brand drama," Willow said. "So I'm just gonna say what I'm feeling, no bullshit. I'm angry with you. You cut me loose when Xander died because you were on one of your big fucking ego trips. Actually it was the same ego trip you've been on since the day we met. I wasn't worth your time for two months even though I loved Xander practically my whole life. So, y'know what? Now you have to wait. You have to wait for me to decide to make time to talk to you, the way you made me wait for you. You don't like that, Miss America? Tough shit."
Everyone was quiet for a moment.
"Miss America," Buffy said, and stared at Gertrude. "You can't even get you own insults for me? You gotta let your new frigging girlfriend do the fighting for--"
"Hey!" Gertrude said. "And I was just starting to like you, y'know."
"Buffy, I have no idea what the hell you're talking about, as usual," Willow said. "And Gerty is my girlfriend. So don't fucking insult her."
"I called her Miss America at the bar," Gertrude said.
"Let's all maybe cool out," Faith said. "Buffy, could you just--"
"So, that's it?" Buffy said. "I went through some shit and I handled it bad and I'm sorry, Willow. But now...now you're just gonna go off with some girl you just fucking met and abandon all your friends?"
"Abandon my friends?!" Willow screamed, and marched right up to Buffy, and looked her in the eyes. "Oh, yeah, that's a fucking laugh, coming from you! Who stayed with you in L.A. for three months when you took off?! Who pulled you out of that fucking bathtub?! And what do you do for me? When I need help, when I need someone to talk to, you're nowhere to be seen! Were you off fucking your vampire boyfriend?!"
"EVERYBODY FUCKING COOL IT!"
Everyone stopped talking.
Buffy burst into tears.
Willow turned away from Buffy, and stood there, red-faced. Buffy had a choked, strangled expression on her face now. Faith looked down at the ground. Willow watched her. Faith was being the leader now. She was being strong, because she knew they needed her to be...
"Will, you haven't been in school and we were worried, that's all," Faith said.
"Yeah," Willow said.
"But you're not a little kid," Faith said. "This wasn't about me trying to mind your business, it wasn't me treating you like a little kid. I just thought...with all the stuff the past couple months, the way you were a target for those vamps, I just got worried when I couldn't find you yesterday. Angel checked around for us, those Vigil vamps are gone, their place was demolished, but still...I worried."
"I know, sweetie," Willow said. "I'm sorry."
Faith walked up to Gertrude, and held out her hand. Gertrude took it.
"Gertrude, I don't know you but I've got nothing against you," Faith said. "And Will says you're cool, that's enough for me. You're Will's friend, so you're my friend too."
"The feeling's mutual," Gertrude said.
"Will, you guys are...really going to Rhode Island together, just like that?" Faith said.
"Yeah," Willow said.
"It's just...kinda sudden," Faith said.
Willow thought she should've been angry at that. She knew she would've been, if Buffy had said it. But she wasn't.
"And how long have you and Buffy been dating?" Willow said. "And you're going to Boston together, right? Don't I get to go on a trip?"
"Touché," Faith said. "Sorry. I guess...I just have a hard time not bein' all... overprotective about you, that's all. But it's not fair to you. I'll...try to rein it in."
Willow nodded.
"Gerty, I just need like five minutes with Faith," Willow said. "I'll be right back, okay?"
"Sure, honeybunch," Gertrude said. "I'll be right here."
"Is that okay, Faith?" Willow said. "Can I talk to you alone for a few minutes?"
Faith nodded. They walked back into the house.
"I like when you're overprotective of me," Willow said, when they walked into the living room. "This thing with Gerty...it was really sudden. I'm still sorta processing everything. Part of going to Rhode Island is about...just getting a fresh perspective on everything that's happened lately. When I come back, I'll talk to Buffy, okay?"
"Yeah," Faith said, and sat down on the arm of the couch, and looked down at the floor. "So...didn't know you could go for girls."
Willow turned away from her, and paced around the room.
"There's stuff I need to tell you, and it's totally unfair of me to drop it all in your lap right now but that's the cards we're being dealt here," Willow said. "All I can say is I promise we can talk about it like, totally in-depth when I get back from Rhode Island, but right now I'm just gonna say this stuff. Today's Blunt Willow Day, I guess. Sorta Bitchy Willow Day too."
"Blunt works," Faith said. "Hit me."
Faith was still looking down at the floor, Willow noticed. She looked afraid.
"On your birthday, when you were hurt, I did a spell to go into your head and find out how bad it was, whether you had internal injuries and stuff," Willow said. "I've done it before, it's easy. I did it on Giles once, it worked fine. But...when I did it on you...something happened... something went wrong."
Faith looked up. "Went wrong? Are you okay?"
Willow smiled. Someone else would have asked if the spell's going wrong had affected themselves. But Faith was only concerned about her.
"I'm okay, sweetie," Willow said. "But...well...I got your memories. All of them."
"My...memories?" Faith said. "What do you mean...?"
"I don't know how it happened, Faith," Willow said. "But I have all your memories, every second of your life all the way up until the moment I did the spell on your birthday last week. And not just like, the information. I have your memories as if I'm seeing them through your eyes...seeing them, hearing them, smelling them, feeling everything you felt, when you were happy, when you were sad, when you were scared... as if all those memories happened to me. As if that was my life. I have two sets of memories now, my own Willow memories, and my memories of your life, and the memories of your life feel just as real to me as the memories of mine. Your Mom, Evan, Becca...the night you became the Slayer, Kakistos, kissing Buffy at the Bronze...I remember it all like it was my life. And so, my working theory on me and Gerty? Feeling like your life was my life changed me... made me all kinda...bi-curious."
Faith was quiet.
"Yeah, I know," Willow said. "A lot to deal with. I'm sorry, sweetie."
"I'm the one who should be sorry," Faith said. "Having to feel like you lived my life...I wouldn't wish that on anyone."
Willow took Faith's hand.
"You're strong," Willow said. "Feeling like I lived your life...like I have the best of you inside me...it makes me feel strong too, sweetie. Your memories aren't a burden, they're a gift."
Willow took Faith's pendant in her hand. It had been dull before; now it blazed with light at Willow's touch.
"I know I gave you this," Willow said. "I remember it, through your eyes."
Faith nodded. She couldn't meet Willow's eyes...Willow knew she was afraid.
"I know you love her, Faith," Willow said. "I know you love that other Willow."
Faith nodded again. She had tears in her eyes now.
"I love you too," Willow said.
Willow hugged her. Faith melted in Willow's arms, and Willow held her.
"Someday we'll find each other again," Willow whispered in her ear.
And then she walked away.
"You've been quiet," Buffy said.
"Yeah," Faith said. "Sorry. Just...got stuff on my mind."
"A lot of that going around," Buffy said.
They were sitting on the plane at Sunnydale Airport, waiting for it to take off.
Faith had never been on a plane before. When she and Rebecca had left Boston, they had driven to California. Trick was good with computers...Rebecca didn't want there to be a record of their trip. Kakistos had a network of people working for him, and they had found out everything about Rebecca...Rebecca didn't want to take any chances. She had called ahead, from a payphone, to warn Giles about Kakistos, then she had thrown Faith in the car the moment she was well enough to walk and driven her straight to California with nothing but the money in her purse and the clothes on their backs. Rebecca had made only one stop before they got on their way: she had stopped at a gun shop.
"So...Will's got your memories," Buffy said. "I don't know how I'd feel, if it were me. If I knew someone else had like, lived my life in their head...if they knew everything I knew..."
"How's Joyce?" Faith said. "She okay with this?"
"Yeah. I didn't tell her everything, y'know, about the Key and stuff. She's always been like, the camel with the almost broken back about the whole Slayer thing? I don't wanna add that last straw. I told her we saved the world and I just need to relax for a weekend and we're gonna like, go sightseeing in Boston. Actually, she was kinda relieved. I've been so shitty to everyone lately that she's just happy I'm showing an interest in something again. And she's been wanting to go visit this old college friend of hers out in Glendale, but she was staying around here because she was worried about me. Now she can take a little vacation herself."
"Everyone's taking vacations, huh? Becca's in England, Joyce is hanging with her college bud, Will's going to Rhode Island, we're going to Boston."
The plane began moving down the runway.
"Yeah," Buffy said. "I've dealt with apocalypses before, but...this was different. Feels dumb even calling all that other stuff apocalypses now. The Master, Angel...they tried to end the world but...this was the apocalypse. The real one. And I think it got to us...more than the other ones. Giles is acting weird, Willow's...I don't know, off finding herself I guess. And of course hating me. And I know this thing got to me too. Ever since I found out how the world really did end, how our lives all ended...it's like we've got a reprieve here, a second chance. I keep thinking about Jimmy Stewart in It's a Wonderful Life. Except, y'know...when Jimmy Stewart got back to his life his family didn't hate him."
"Will doesn't hate you," Faith said. She had a funny feeling in her stomach, suddenly. She felt almost afraid, but she didn't know why. She tried to dismiss it. "She's just really angry at you. She told me she'll talk to you when she gets back from Rhode Island."
"That'll be a fun conversation," Buffy said. "But like I said...I'm gonna try to be strong now. No more running away from stuff. I just hope...I haven't lost Will."
The plane left the runway and took to the air, and then something happened...the feeling in Faith's stomach got worse. She felt a pressure in her chest now...she felt like she wasn't getting enough air. Her skin felt tingly and too tight. She looked around the plane. It looked small...it was a metal tube and there were too many people in there, packed too tight, and they were in the sky...they were in the sky and they could fall...
Faith remembered the Prudential Building...she remembered the feel of the air rushing by her, as she fell...
She felt Buffy's arm around her.
"What's wrong?" Buffy said. "Faith...Faith."
Faith was blinking a lot, and swallowing. Her mouth was dry and every time she tried to swallow it felt like maybe she couldn't and maybe she'd start choking...and she didn't feel like she had enough air...and the plane was too small...she was trapped in there...she was in a metal tube in the sky and there was no way out...
"Faith," Buffy said, and took her hand, and ran her fingers through her hair. "Talk to me, baby. Talk to me. Are you a little scared right now? Are you a little scared of planes?"
"I don't know," Faith whispered. Buffy's voice felt like it was coming from far away. Faith felt her breathing speeding up...she started squirming around in her seat. She moved her hands to the seatbelt. She had to get out of there...
She remembered the way the air felt on her skin, as it rushed by her...it had stolen the oxygen from her lungs. As she fell, she hadn't been able to breathe.
Buffy turned Faith's head, so she could look at her.
"I'm right here, baby," Buffy whispered, and hugged her. "You're safe with me, okay?"
"I don't know...I don't know why...why I feel all..." Faith whimpered, and felt tears filling her eyes.
"Some people just don't like flying baby, it's okay," Buffy whispered, and brought Faith to her bosom, and kissed her hair. "I want you to focus on me now. Don't think about anything else. Focus on me, baby. Reach out, focus in on me."
Faith reached out with her senses. Buffy's scent came to her immediately: jasmine. She felt like she was lying in a bed of flowers.
Buffy held Faith to her bosom, and caressed her hair.
"That's it, baby," Buffy whispered. "That's it. I'm right here. I'm right here."
Faith could feel Buffy's heart beating, against her cheek. And Buffy's scent was the only scent she smelled now...she was focused in on it. It was as if the other people on the plane didn't exist anymore.
Buffy pulled the blanket she had brought with her from the overhead compartment. It was an overnight flight, and she liked having a blanket on overnight flights, but from the moment she had become the Slayer she couldn't tolerate the blankets the airlines provided anymore...they were always dirty, and filled with strangers' scents. So now whenever she flew, she brought her own. She spread the blanket out over Faith. Faith was trembling now.
"It's gonna be okay, baby," Buffy whispered. "Just focus in on me. Just me."
Faith nodded. She felt warm, under the blanket. And she liked the way the blanket smelled: it smelled like Buffy. Her scent was concentrated in it.
Buffy moved her hand under Faith's sweater. Faith gasped.
"Sshhh, baby," Buffy whispered in her ear. "It's okay. Everything's okay now."
Buffy began rubbing Faith's belly, under the blanket. Faith let out a little moan.
"You like how this feels, baby?" Buffy whispered.
Faith nodded. Buffy's hand felt warm, on her stomach. Her touch was gentle, soft. It made Faith feel safe...protected.
"Focus in on me," Buffy whispered. "Just me. My scent, my heartbeat, and my hand on your tummy, okay?"
Faith nodded. Buffy rubbed her belly, and they were both quiet. Faith listened to Buffy's heartbeat, and took in her scent, and felt warm. Gradually, her trembling stopped.
"You sleepy, baby?" Buffy whispered. "You wanna go to sleep?"
Faith nodded again, and yawned.
"I'll be right here, okay?" Buffy whispered, and kissed her hair again. "I'll always be right here."
"Rise and shine, baby," someone whispered in Faith's ear.
She opened her eyes. People were filing by her...there was a confusion of scents, too many to sort through...
Then she smelled jasmine. It was stronger than the other scents. Faith's senses instantly focused in on it...reordered themselves around it...
She saw Buffy smiling down at her.
"We're here," Buffy said. "Beantown. Seafood and Cheers and Kennedys."
"And the Celts kickin' the Lakers' butts," Faith said, and smiled, and gave her a little peck on the lips.
"Sorry baby, I'm like, completely immune to that stuff," Buffy said. "Celtics can beat the Lakers all they want. I'm a total chick."
"Seafood and Cheers and Kennedys and freezing weather," Buffy said, as they walked into their hotel room. "My toes are gonna fall off. How do you guys deal with this?"
Faith had booked them a room at the Westin Hotel in Boston with the American Express card Rebecca had given her as one of her birthday presents. The card didn't have a credit limit. "You know I trust you, darling," Rebecca had said. "If you're going to buy a Learjet, give me some notice first."
Their room was on the sixteenth floor, and it had an excellent view of Copley Square through the balcony windows. It was a single, but it was a suite with two rooms, one of which was a pretty nice little living room with a leather couch, a couple of leather chairs, a recliner and a big television set with a VCR hookup. The bedroom contained a little antique writing desk, a king-sized bed, another leather chair, and sliding glass doors that led to the little balcony.
"That damn smelly coat isn't good in the cold, huh?" Faith said.
Buffy was wearing Spike's coat.
"Thought it was," Buffy said. "Boston cold's a whole other category of cold. But looking fabulous is more important than being warm anyway. The coat does kinda have the vamp smell though, doesn't it?"
Faith hugged her.
"It'll just smell like you eventually," Faith said. "It already smells a little different to me. Plus maybe we can boink on it. That'll get the vamp smell out quick."
Buffy giggled. "Yeah. We can totally get busy on the coat. And actually, the leather's really soft. We really could get busy on it."
"Your toes are cold, honey?" Faith whispered.
"Yeah," Buffy whispered back, and leaned her head on her shoulder.
"You want me to make 'em warm again?" Faith whispered.
Buffy nodded her head.
They had been planning for this. They were supposed to make love for the first time today. They had kissed before, and showered together before, and held each other before. But they hadn't made love yet...it was supposed to happen today.
They took off their clothes. It felt awkward, this time. It hadn't felt awkward when they'd done it that first night, when they had showered together.
They didn't talk, as they did it. They both tried to think of something to say, something flirty, something funny, but nothing came to mind. They got undressed, and laid down naked on the bed together, and held hands.
"So I guess...this is it," Buffy said. "We should...y'know."
"Yeah," Faith said.
"You look beautiful, Faith," Buffy said, and kissed her, awkwardly. It hadn't been awkward before.
"So do you, Buffy," Faith said.
They were quiet a moment, after that.
"We're talking like we've just met and we're on a blind date or something," Buffy said. "Like we suddenly don't know what to say to each other. Why are we talking like this?"
"Good question," Faith said.
Buffy sat up on the edge of the bed.
"It feels like...Willow's here with us," Buffy said.
Faith touched her pendant. It was dark now. It hadn't glowed since Willow had left. She wondered if it would ever glow again...or if Willow had taken its magic away, somehow...
"You never take that necklace off, do you?" Buffy said.
"No," Faith said.
Faith sat up next to Buffy.
"Maybe...we're just nervous, y'know?" Faith said. "And I don't know about you, but...I'm feelin' a little bushed from the flight. I know I slept, but...feels like I didn't."
"Yeah," Buffy said. "I'm like totally jet-lagged over here. Maybe...we should just sleep awhile? It's still really early, it's like eight in the morning. We can sleep...I always wanted to sleep with you in the same bed. Maybe that way we can like, ease our way into...y'know."
"Yeah," Faith said.
They turned off the light, and drew the curtain over the balcony doors, and laid back down on the bed. It was awkward, trying to find the right position. They started out on their backs, separate from each other.
Then Buffy took Faith in her arms, and brought her to her bosom.
"This better?" Buffy whispered, as she pulled the covers over them.
Faith nodded, and curled up against her breasts.
She took Buffy's hand, and brought it to her stomach.
"You want me to rub your tummy again, baby?" Buffy whispered.
Faith nodded again.
Buffy held her close, and rubbed her belly, and a few minutes later, Faith was asleep.
Sleeping together was good. It felt natural...like they were a perfect fit.
But things were still awkward when they woke up that night, and tried to make love... they kissed each other for awhile, and touched each other, and then stopped. The kisses didn't feel right...like there was always something missing...
"Feels like...we can't get started," Faith said, as she ran her hands over Buffy's breasts. But she couldn't think about Buffy, couldn't focus on her...she barely even noticed what she was doing. Her thoughts kept coming back to Willow.
Willow was there with them, in the room.
"Yeah," Buffy said. She took Faith's hands from her breasts, and sat up. "I don't know...what's wrong. I loved sleeping with you but...now things feel weird again."
"You goin' straight on me, lover?" Faith said, and smiled, and put her hands around Buffy's waist.
"I wish."
Faith took her hands away from Buffy's waist. Buffy looked up at her.
"I didn't mean that," Buffy said. "Faith...that just...I just meant...this is just all...really weird for me right now."
"Yeah," Faith said. But she wouldn't look at her. Faith was looking down at the floor.
"Faith," Buffy said. "I want this. I want us to be together. It's just...all this has happened so fast...I just admitted this to myself...that this is what I want...that this is what I am...less than a week ago. I guess...I'm still getting used to it."
"Yeah," Faith said.
"You...you want this, right?" Buffy said, and caressed her cheek.
Faith took her pendant in her hand, and rolled it between her fingers. It was still dark.
Faith stood up.
"You know what we need?" Faith said. "We need to frigging relax. We need to chill the hell out. We need to dance."
She took Buffy's hand.
Sometimes you have to say what you know you should say, even when you aren't sure you mean it, she remembered Rebecca telling her once. I was on a mission with those British demon-hunting friends of mine I told you about, and we had a squadron of S.A.S. troops with us for backup. I was team leader this time, and I knew, knew for a fact, that at least half of those S.A.S. men wouldn't be coming back from that mission. I had to give them a pep talk anyway. I had to tell them we were going to win, that we were going to sweep those Fyarl demons away like the cavalry coming over the hill and everything was going to be fine and we were all going to be goddamned heroes. But I didn't know any of that. All I knew was that a lot of good men were going to die. But I said the words they needed me to say. Sometimes that's what you have to do.
"And then we need to tell Evan that I'm with you now," Faith said. "That you and me are a couple. We can kill all those birds with one stone right now. Let's go to the Roxy."
Buffy looked into her eyes. Faith wondered if she sensed it...sensed that she wasn't certain.
"Okay," Buffy said.
"Wow, this place is packed," Buffy said, as they came down the flight of creaky stairs, and the temperature seemed to immediately shoot up thirty degrees. All she could see in any direction were moving bodies, jammed together like they were all in a parade.
"Saturday night, plus Ev's on," Faith said, loud: the music was pounding. The bass was so deafening that Buffy thought the room actually seemed to be vibrating with it.
"Evan's really that great a DJ, huh?" Buffy said, loud.
"Always got my motor revved."
"Um...have you like, given any thought to how we're gonna do this? I mean, Hey, so I'm dating a girl now, but how have things been with you? doesn't sound really...like anything, actually. Should I even meet him at all?"
"Makin' this up as I go along. Let's hit the bar, get something to drink, we'll like, get tactical, come up with a plan."
Buffy took her coat off, and followed Faith to the bar. It was like hiking though a steamy tropical forest. Everywhere she looked there were clumps of people, forming impassable obstacles: people dancing and people laughing and people being loud and drinking and just generally crowding around and being in her way. Buffy couldn't see two feet in front of her and she thought she might need a machete to hack her way through the horde. Buffy was petite, and everyone here seemed taller than her, and when she looked around she felt like she was stuck in the middle of a cornfield. The Bronze could be crowded sometimes, but nothing like this; this was ridiculous. And there were so many scents mixing together, and they were all so strong because people were sweating in there, that it was confusing Buffy's senses: it was impossible for her to focus in on any of them. She was even having trouble focusing on Faith's scent, and Faith was three feet in front of her and holding her hand as she led her toward the bar.
By the time they finally made it to the bar, Buffy felt like she had already been dancing awhile. She had twirled and whirled and spun and bumped her way through the dense, sweaty throng of people swarming around in there. But at least she could see a little better now. Not as many people were at the bar; most everyone was on the dance floor. Faith managed to snag them a couple of wobbly stools, and Buffy finally got a good look around.
It didn't look like much. The Roxy was a wide, dark room that reminded Buffy of a cave, and there were too many people and it was too damned hot. The furniture consisted of marked-up booths, wobbly tables and chairs and stools, and the bar, now that Buffy was looking at it, looked flimsy, like it had been set up there as an afterthought.
"Ladies room sucks too," Faith said, grinning as she noticed Buffy frowning at the general dank, steamy squalor of the place. "The Roxy's all about the dance floor. And Ev."
"So do I get to meet him?" Buffy said. "How do you think he's gonna take this?"
Faith's grin faded. "I don't know. Ev and I were real close for awhile, and we were on our way to being a couple. But things change."
When Evan stepped out of the break room in back and jumped up to his DJ booth, there was a girl waiting for him; there always was. She was pretty. But then they always were.
He turned down the mix tape that had been playing, and a cheer went through the crowd. They knew he was getting ready for his set.
"Uncle Ev will be right with you, kids," he said into the microphone. Then he regarded the girl. He saw things differently these days...he had a new perspective. He felt like he could see to the heart of things, now. But he didn't need to bother seeing into this girl's heart. He knew why she was here. He was a peacock in a cage.
"Hi, the girl said, with a hopeful smile.
"Hey," Evan said.
He thought he'd give her the chance to say something intelligent, or witty, or at least interesting. He waited.
"Yeah, so...I just wanted to tell you I caught your set last night, and you're a really cool DJ," the girl said.
"Thanks," Evan said, and smiled his wolfish smile. "And now you're here because you want me to fuck you, right?"
The girl's smile instantly disappeared. "Wait...what?" she said. "I just..."
"Look, I've had this conversation a thousand times with a thousand little brainless bimbos like you," Evan said. "I get it, I'm hot, you're a high school kid who's at that time in her life when she wants to experiment with being a pig, whatever. But you understand you've got nothing to offer, right? That you're just some stupid slut with nice tits?"
The girl blushed, and tried to turn away.
Evan grabbed her arm. She winced in pain, and tried to get away, but he held her still.
"I mean, how did you think this was gonna go, in your little fantasy?" Evan said. "Did you think I'd be utterly captivated by your completely original and clever Gee Evan, you're a really cool DJ line? And then we'd go on a date, and on the first date I'd kiss you, and on the second date you'd let me feel you up, and on the third date we'd fuck, right? And then maybe I'd take you back to my castle and buy you a pony? I mean, that's how it goes with a girl like you, right? You spread your legs, but first you want the guy to pretend you matter. Problem is, you don't matter. You're not smart, or funny, or interesting. You're just two holes. Three maybe, if you've had a few drinks."
The girl had tears in her eyes now.
"Doesn't mean you can't get to have fun though," Evan said. "How's this. Let's be honest, okay? Let's just skip over the part where I take you out to dinner and spend my hard-earned money on you and pretend to listen to you and lull you into believing you're not fucking worthless. Instead, let's fast-forward to the end of the third date, where you put out for me. You're a brainless whore, why not concentrate on what you're good at. Why don't you come behind the booth here and give me a blowjob."
"Ev," Faith said.
Evan looked up. He saw Faith standing a few feet away, next to a blonde girl he had never seen before.
The blonde girl looked ashen. But Faith had tears in her eyes...
The place had been too crowded. Evan hadn't been able to focus in...he hadn't been able to pick out individual scents...
Now Faith's scent came to him...like peaches, with a hint of muskiness underneath.
And the blonde girl's scent came to him, too...like flowers.
Faith had the blonde girl's scent on her.
"Faith," Evan said, and smiled again. "Long time no see, honeybuns. And you're fucking a girl now. Well this is...surprising."
"Lots of surprises tonight," Faith said, and wiped her tears away. She was thinking about Rebecca. What Rebecca would do now...when Faith was scared, when she felt hopeless and alone, she always thought about what Rebecca would do...
What would Rebecca do, if someone she loved had become a vampire?
"Buffy," Faith said. "Fire alarm's over in the corner back there." Faith nodded toward it. "Pull it, get this place cleared out right now."
Buffy sprinted toward the fire alarm.
Evan and Faith watched each other.
"You gonna let that girl go?" Faith said. "This is between you and me."
"Maybe I'm hungry," Evan said, and yanked the girl toward him like a yo-yo. Then he let himself change...revealed his true face. He felt the muscles in his jaw changing...he felt the ridges appearing in his skull...he felt his teeth growing, becoming fangs that could rend flesh like razors...and he felt all his power, now, coursing through him like an electric current...
All the power of Kakistos, the strongest vampire who had ever lived...
The girl he was holding screamed, at the same moment that the fire alarm went off. People stopped dancing, and looked toward the DJ booth, confused.
"You and me," Faith said, and looked Evan in the eyes...his eyes were a bright, ugly yellow color now, like a wolf's eyes.
"...Are meant to be?" Evan said, and smiled his wolfish smile again, showing Faith his long, canine teeth. "We finally going on that date we promised each other?"
"Yeah," Faith said. "Except you die at the end of it."
Evan chuckled, and turned off the music tape, and leaned over the microphone.
"Okay, Uncle Ev says all you guys need to clear outta here," Evan said. "A fire started in back. Go."
People stampeded toward the doors, practically trampling each other as they ran. Evan chuckled, as he watched them.
"Bugs," he muttered.
Buffy sprinted back to the booth, pushing her way through the panicking crowd. She stood beside Faith, and held her hand.
"Well if you're dumping me for a girl, I should at least know her name, right?" Evan said. "You're being rude, honeybuns."
"Evan, Buffy," Faith said. "Buffy, Evan."
"Hi, Buffy," Evan said. "So you're--"
"A Slayer," Buffy said. "And you're a vampire. Fire, meet gasoline."
Evan's smile grew wider.
"Faith talked about you," Evan said. "When she finally told me about all this stuff, a few weeks before she took off. She said there was another Slayer out in California. You look like California. You have a brain in your head? Dumb girls annoy me."
"I get by," Buffy said.
"How'd this happen?" Faith said.
"Your pal Kakistos," Evan said. "He wanted to send you a message. I'm the message. He told me that, when he killed me."
Faith nodded.
They all stood there. Faith seemed to be in charge, but she didn't seem to know what to do next, Evan thought. Buffy was looking him straight in the eyes, waiting for the crowd to finish clearing out, and waiting, Evan supposed, for a signal from Faith. The girl he held in his clutches whimpered. He had momentarily forgotten she was even there.
Evan thought about Buffy, making love to Faith...he felt something cold, in his stomach. But he made himself keep smiling.
"Y'know, this is actually kind of amusing," Evan said. "You dumped me for a girl. I mean...me, being dumped for a girl? Me? I mean, come on, look at me. Hotness is my curse."
The club had cleared out. Evan knew the fire department would be there, but it would take them awhile. Drunk people pulled the alarm once in awhile and now the fire department took their time getting there. He figured he had about ten minutes. He thought it might take one.
Evan moved out from behind the DJ booth, holding the girl in front of him. He had spent the past two months wanting to die, and he had considered killing himself. Kakistos had spent a few days with him, teaching him what he needed to know. He knew he could kill himself with a stake...or he could just step out into the sun one day...
But now he didn't want to die anymore. He had spent the past two months in a cold, gray haze, unable to feel anything, unable to connect with anything...but now he felt something. Now he felt angry.
"Remember when you said you could love me, that you knew someday you could love me?" Evan said.
"Yeah," Faith said.
"So what happened?"
A tear ran down Faith's cheek.
"We...never had enough time, Ev," Faith said. "The world didn't give us enough time."
"Time," Evan said, and laughed, without amusement now. "I've got all the frigging time in the world. I'm never gonna die. Got all the time in the world to be fucking miserable and alone, to just exist from day to day with no purpose, just...hunting and killing. Like an animal."
"You kill yet?" Faith said. "How have you been getting blood?"
Evan smiled at the girl he held by the arm.
"Bimbo brigade," he said. "I let them have their fun. But then they die." He chuckled. "The dick of doom." The girl whimpered again. Evan liked the sound. It perked him up.
Faith nodded again.
"Tonight it ends," Faith said. "This isn't you. Tonight you can rest."
"Goodbye, cruel world?" Evan said. "Nah, that's okay, honeybuns. See, I have a purpose now. I just discovered it."
"Yeah?" Faith said. "What's that?"
Evan looked at Buffy.
"To hurt her," he said.
"Not gonna happen," Faith said. "This is between you and me, no one else. I'm the one who took off and let Kakistos do this to you. You wanna be angry, be angry with me, not Buffy. Let that girl you're holding go. You wanna take a shot at me, take a shot, but let the girl go so we can do this private."
"Okay," Evan said, and swung the girl around by the arm like a golf club, moving so quickly and swinging the girl with such force that he caught both Buffy and Faith off-guard, even though they thought they were ready. The girl's legs connected with Buffy's face and sent her soaring the length of the room and slamming into the far wall with a sickening crunch.
"Buffy!" Faith shouted, and leaped away and ran to her.
Evan laughed. He still held on to the girl. She was dazed, and muttering annoying things. Evan broke her neck, picked up his long, black leather trenchcoat from behind the booth, and put it on. Then he picked up the girl again. He was hungry...
Faith reached Buffy, and looked her over. She was dazed and bleeding, but she was okay.
"Gotta get up," Faith said, and shook Buffy as she looked over her shoulder, and saw Evan strolling toward them. He wasn't in a hurry. He tore into the dead girl's throat as he walked, taking her blood like he was sucking a milkshake through a straw. When he'd had his fill, he discarded her like a crumpled up cup.
Buffy got to her feet, awkwardly. She pulled her stake from her boot.
"He's...strong," Buffy said.
"Yeah," Faith said. She pulled her stake from the back pocket of her jeans.
"I'm thinking you're not so smart, Buffy," Evan said. "You guys both fought Kakistos, you know how strong he was. I told you he was my sire. And you thought I'd be easy?"
"You got in a good hit," Buffy said. "One. All that counts is who gets in the last one."
"Vamps have ways of getting the word out about stuff, we've got like a grapevine," Evan said. "Actually, you wanna know what's completely ridiculous? There's an internet mailing list too. Seriously, I'm not making that up. There's actually an internet mailing list for vampires. But anyway, yeah, I heard about you and dear old Dad from one of his hired muscle guys who managed to escape the fight out in Sunnydale. I'm like Kakistos' kid, so his people sort of report to me now. He said Kakistos almost killed you with one punch. He said if it wasn't for that witch, you would've died, and so would my honeybuns here. And that would've been tragic. Because, then I wouldn't be able to hurt you, Buffy."
"Yeah, but you're forgetting about your Achilles heel," Buffy said. "The one it seems like all the bad guys have."
"What's that?" Evan said.
"You talk too much," Buffy said, and sprang at him, snarling. At the same moment, Faith ran to attack Evan from his flank...
But Evan smacked Buffy out of the air before she could reach him. She slammed into the wall again, and fell to the floor, unconscious. Before Faith could stake Evan from his left, he spun around and blocked her...he was faster than she thought, too fast...she screamed, and tried to throw a punch. He grabbed her arm, quick as a viper, and held her still.
He squeezed her hand, the one that was holding the stake. She winced, as her stake, the one Rebecca had given her on their second day together, shattered into pieces.
She tried to shift her weight and flip him. But he was too strong...he was as strong as Kakistos, and much, much faster...Evan planted his legs, and Faith couldn't move him.
Faith screamed and roared her outrage in his face, a lion suddenly cheated of her prey, caught, trapped...
Evan smiled, forced her down to the floor, leaped on top of her, and pinned her wrists. Faith kneed him in the balls.
"Okay, ow?" Evan said, and moved a little further up as he pinned her, so Faith couldn't reach him again with her legs. "That was rude, honeybuns."
"FUCK YOU!" Faith screamed, with tears streaming down her cheeks now. "You're NOT Evan! You're not, you're NOT!"
Faith stopped struggling.
"We didn't have enough time," Faith whispered. "We were friends and I needed that... and...when I was ready for more...everything fell apart."
"Yeah," Evan said. "Life sucks, huh?"
"We left because...we had to warn Buffy, Kakistos was coming after her next," Faith said. "And...we thought if we stayed...if you were around all this stuff...you'd get hurt."
"I didn't get hurt," Evan said. "I got killed."
Faith closed her eyes, and wept. Evan let go of her arms, and stood up. But Faith didn't move. She laid there on the floor, weeping.
Evan's vampire face disappeared. He was handsome again...his ugly yellow eyes were brown again. But there was no light in them, anymore.
"You let him get me, Faith," Evan said, with tears in his eyes now. "You let him get me."
He stood there. For a moment, he wanted to kill himself again.
The feeling came and went...
Then he looked at Buffy, on the floor. He let his senses reach out...he heard her heart beating. She was alive.
Now he didn't want to die anymore. He wanted to live, so he could hurt her. He couldn't decide...
"She's not dead, if that's what you're crying over," Evan said. "Her heart's beating, she's breathing, she's okay."
Faith turned over, away from Evan, away from his dead, barren eyes...she curled up into a ball, and wept.
He stood there, and watched her. He had nowhere else to go. He wanted to be with Faith, and this was the only way he could be with her, now.
After a moment, her crying became softer. She stopped crying, and stopped shaking. Finally, she looked up at him.
He held his hand out to her. She took it, and stood up.
"You told me once that glow-in-the-dark necklace of yours killed a vampire, when he touched it," Evan said. "Made him burst into flames, burned him right down to dust."
Faith looked down at her necklace. It was glowing again now, she noticed.
"Yeah," she whispered. "Don't touch it."
"Maybe I just wanna burn," he said, and took the pendant in his hand. It glowed, but it didn't burn him. He waited a moment, holding it in his hand, but it didn't burn him.
"The person who gave it to me...I think maybe she...she...abandoned me," Faith whispered. "This necklace always protected me, since I was a little kid. But maybe it doesn't protect me anymore. Maybe...she gave up on me."
"Like you gave up on me?" Evan said, and turned away from her.
He knew he couldn't keep on wavering. He had to decide to live, or decide to die...he knew he had to decide, once and for all, right now.
"What's the saying, better to have loved and lost?" Evan said. "It's not, actually."
He looked at Buffy, on the floor.
He saw her in his mind, making love to Faith...
He decided.
"I'm not gonna kill her tonight, honeybuns," Evan said. "Not tonight. But someday. After I take everything away from her. Every single thing. She took you away from me."
"Kill me instead," Faith said. "Stay away from Buffy. Hurt me, kill me."
Evan took Faith in his arms, and kissed her.
"The last thing I'm gonna take from her before I kill her is you," he whispered in her ear, and walked away from her without a backward glance, and stalked out into the night, a hunter.
Faith found their coats and their purses and Buffy's stake, and carried Buffy out of there when she heard the fire engines coming. A few blocks from the club, Buffy woke up in her arms. Buffy's nose was bleeding, but she seemed okay.
"What the hell happened?" Buffy whispered, as Faith set her down on a park bench on Commonwealth Avenue. It wasn't far at all from the house she had lived in with Rebecca...the house that always seemed full of sunlight. But that house had burned...that old life had burned.
"Evan kicked the shit out of us and walked away," Faith said. "But he'll be back."
Buffy rubbed the back of her head. It ached. She felt like she had been hit by a bus.
"He's as strong as Kakistos," Buffy said.
"And a hell of a lot faster," Faith said.
"And he hates me," Buffy said. "He'll be coming after me."
"Us," Faith said, and took her hand. "There's somewhere we have to go."
Ten minutes later, they stood on the roof of the Prudential Building, looking out at the city lights. Boston looked beautiful from up here, Buffy thought.
It was a clear, freezing night, and all the stars were out, shining brighter than they ever did in California. Buffy loved looking at the stars, and they glimmered in the black sky now like a river of diamonds. But Spike's coat was no protection against this kind of cold. It would need a lining, for nights like this. Vampires never felt cold. The wind whipped around up there like icy knives, stabbing at her. Buffy hugged herself.
Faith had led her straight here, sprinting like a jackrabbit the entire way, and she hadn't said a word when Buffy asked where they were going. She hadn't said a word when they took the elevator all the way to the fifty-second floor. The roof access was locked off, so Faith had kicked down the door.
She still wasn't talking. She stood near the edge of the roof, looking out into the darkness, her breath turning to frost, and fading away to nothing. Buffy watched her. Faith's pendant was shining bright, now.
Buffy still didn't know Faith very well, but one of the things she knew was that it took awhile for Faith to talk, sometimes. So Buffy stood there in the cold, and hugged herself against the wind, and waited.
"I'm afraid of this place," Faith finally said. She still had her back turned to her.
"You had a big fight here, you could have died," Buffy said.
Faith shook her head. She hopped up onto the edge of the roof. Buffy felt fear lance through her, sharper than the icy knives of the wind...that fear cut straight to her heart.
"What are you doing?" Buffy said, and ran toward her.
Faith turned around, and looked at her.
"I'm not afraid because of the fight," Faith said. "I'm afraid because Kakistos kicked me out the window here. I fell fifty-two stories. Did you know that?"
"You...fell from here?" Buffy said. "But...how...?"
"I don't know how I survived," Faith said. "Becca doesn't know either. After I fell Becca did healing magic on me, but..."
Faith looked down at the street, more than seven-hundred feet below. She was a Slayer; it didn't give her vertigo.
But it still made her afraid...
"Becca saw him kick me out the window," Faith said. "She ran out of the restaurant to go to me. She had to take the elevator down. Fifty-two stories, it would be quicker than taking the stairs. I love Becca, and she loves me. She's my mom, I'm her kid. We said the words, a few months back. Can you imagine how it must have been for her? She sees me fall fifty-two stories, then she has to wait in the elevator?"
"It must have been...horrible," Buffy said.
"She told me about it after," Faith said. "When we were driving to Sunnydale the next night. She told me the elevator was the worst moment of her life. She had to wait a minute for the elevator to arrive, then she had to wait for it to take her down fifty-two stories, because she knew it would still be faster than the stairs. But can you picture that? She figures I'm lying on the ground dead, she's waiting in an elevator? When she got to me she did healing magic, but she did something else too, for the first time in her life. She prayed. Becca's not big on religion, she's seen too much evil shit to really be religious. But she prayed to God to save me, as she did the healing magic. And then...I woke up. I thought I heard a voice...and then I woke up."
"Faith...come down from there?" Buffy said. "Please?"
Faith turned away from her. She looked out at the city lights again.
"But I'm afraid, Buffy," Faith said. "Ever since I took that fall, I've been afraid of this building, and now I'm afraid of heights, afraid of planes...afraid."
Buffy focused in on her. She realized Faith was afraid, standing up there...she could smell it on her.
"Can't go through life being afraid," Faith said.
Buffy realized that she couldn't pull her down from there. If she tried, and Faith struggled, Faith might fall...
"Please...please don't do this, baby," Buffy whispered, and her eyes welled up with tears.
"Becca's always right," Faith said. "You know what she told me to do about fear?"
Faith turned to her again.
"Embrace it," Faith said. "Acknowledge it, face it down, and move on."
Buffy wondered what she would do, if Faith jumped. She wondered if she would jump next.
And then Faith started singing.
"Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream..." Faith sang, slowly, mournfully...and beautifully. Faith had a beautiful singing voice...so beautiful Buffy thought it would break her heart.
"Make her the cutest that I've ever seen..." Faith sang, and started dancing now, on the edge of the roof. She danced, snapping her fingers and moving her hips in slow, graceful turns... and Buffy watched her, entranced, and longed for her, as tears ran down her cheeks.
"You're so beautiful, Faith," Buffy whispered.
Faith held out her hand to her.
Buffy took her hand, and joined her on the edge of the roof.
"Give her two lips like roses and clover... Buffy sang. Then tell her that her lonesome nights are over..."
They danced together in the sky...on the precipice between life and death...
Evan wandered after he left the club. He felt his hatred inside of him, and it sustained him. It gave him direction, purpose...but it was cold. It made him feel cold.
It would be a cold life, with only his hatred inside him...but it would sustain him.
Eventually, he found himself on Commonwealth Avenue...in front of Faith's old house. It had burned...Kakistos had burned it, the night he tried to kill her. There was nothing left of it now. Just an empty, weed-grown lot.
He wandered over to the tree-lined greenway running down the middle of the street, and sat down on a bench, and felt cold. He had sat with Faith here before, in spring, when the trees were bursting with green, and the street looked like a painting, and life seemed like it would be one new adventure after another, a bright, endless day...a wellspring of hope that would never fail...now the trees were barren and gray and dead. Now he felt cold.
He saw a couple stroll by, heading for their car at the end of the block; a middle-aged man and his wife. The woman laughed at something, and kissed the man's cheek, and leaned her head on his shoulder, shivering a little in the wind. The man put his arm around her. Evan watched them, as they got in their car and drove away.
His senses were so acute he could hear the worms burrowing in the earth. He was so strong he could lift a car. He would live forever, if he was careful. Civilization itself could fall, but he would still be here...he would outlive it. He would outlive everything, until he was alone...
But he was alone now. He knew he always would be...
He thought about killing himself. He looked up at the willow tree standing forlornly beside his bench. He could snap a branch off, stick it into his chest, and die...
A beautiful woman stalked out of the shadows.
She had raven hair and cold blue eyes...as if the night itself had taken form.
She smiled, like a wolf. "Such a sad boy," she said.
She had the most beautiful voice...like a cherished song that Evan had known once, but then had forgotten...a dream-voice...
Her voice made him feel warm.
Buffy and Faith stood on the edge of that roof that soared more than seven-hundred feet into the sky, and they looked out into the night, holding hands and standing fast in the teeth of the wind. The wind was freezing, but it was exhilarating, too...it shook them with rough, cold hands and made them experience the world. Buffy and Faith were cold up there, but the Slayers inside them were running hot.
"Can you feel it, Buffy?" Faith said. "Like...forces are gathering against us. Like we're on to a new chapter. Like things are about to get harder."
"Yeah," Buffy said. "Starting with a new vampire guy, as strong as Kakistos, who's gonna be gunning for us."
Faith's pendant was shining even brighter: Faith looked like she was being showered in diamonds. Faith held the pendant in her hand a moment, and rolled it around in her fingers, as she looked up at the sky.
"He won't be the only one," Faith said. "The Master, Spike, Kakistos...they're the past. Now we're fighting the next war. Now things get harder."
"So...what do we do now?" Buffy said.
Faith kissed her.
"You make love to me tonight," Faith whispered.
"Who...are you?" Evan said. "You're like me...I can smell it."
"I am Drusilla Morgan, a lady of high breeding," the woman said. "And you...are Evan. Evan..."
She smiled again, as if she was amused now.
"...Goodman," Drusilla said.
"Ironic, huh?" Evan said. "I'm not good. And I'm not even a man anymore."
Drusilla frowned; she looked like she was pouting all of a sudden. "You're a prince," she said, in her lilting, melodic voice. "Kakistos wanted a prince."
"He's dead," Evan said.
"The king is dead," Drusilla said, and giggled. "Long live the king. I sang outside your window, you know. I snuck away from my Spike, and found you. Do you remember my voice? Do you remember your Drusilla singing to you, when you were only a beautiful, precious little boy, and the night sounds scared you?"
Her voice awoke a memory in him...something that had lain buried, for so long...
"Do you remember your Drusilla singing you to sleep, in the terrible old drafty house in Highland Park, with all its creaks, and its squeaks, and the monsters under the bed?"
She moved her mouth to his ear. Her hair smelled like roses. Her breath smelled like blood.
"Do you remember when you invited me in?" she whispered.
And then he remembered.
He was little...he was five years old, and his parents had just bought the house in Highland Park, and it scared him at night...but Drusilla came and sang beneath his window every night, until he fell asleep...
Eventually, she told him to invite her in, and he did...and she climbed in through his window, and held him in her arms, and rocked him to sleep...every night, until he wasn't afraid anymore.
"You were my little prince, then," Drusilla said. "And now you're my king. Your whole life, you have been mine...and I have been yours. The voices told me I might be your wife, someday...if Red Robin got a do-over, and now she has. The voices told me, in the closet. And so I watched over you...prepared you."
Drusilla hugged him, haltingly, as if she was nervous, Evan thought...as if she was afraid he might not want her. Her body was cold, but she made Evan feel warm...the way she had when he was a boy, and the night shadows and the night sounds scared him. The night shadows and the night sounds didn't scare Evan, anymore...he was part of them now. Night had enveloped him, taken him beneath its cold, black, starry wing, claimed him. And he knew he would be part of it forever. He was the monster under the bed now.
He hugged Drusilla back. He wanted her.
He knew he was cold, like she was...but maybe he could make her feel warm, the way she made him feel warm. As Evan hugged her, Drusilla leaned close against him, and held him tighter.
"I never put you in a closet," Drusilla whispered. "I never put you in a closet. Never, never, never. Your Drusilla would never do that, never. There are voices in closets. I don't ever want you to hear the voices."
Drusilla looked up at him. Her blue eyes penetrated to the heart of him, like diamonds cutting glass.
"You feel cold," Drusilla said. "You worry you'll always feel cold. But I warmed you, in the terrible old house. Your Drusilla held you close underneath the covers, and rocked you to sleep every night. You were my son, for awhile. I think I had a daughter too...but the memories are so terribly confused now...I think my daughter went away. I think she doesn't know me anymore...she's never even met me. I'm sad, Evan. But...so are you..."
She cocked her head on one side, and regarded Evan like she was figuring something out...like the solution to a particularly interesting puzzle was just on the tip of her tongue.
Then she smiled...a sad smile. She touched his cheek.
"So sad," Drusilla said. "The fairy gave them all a do-over, but no do-over for you, no, no. You've lost your love, your precious love is with her now."
Then Drusilla whispered in his ear...
"But I am your true love," she whispered. "You will sit at the head of all tables, and I will sit by your side: your thorny rose, your bloody, beating heart...your blackbird."
"I think I understand about a third of what you just said, Drusilla," Evan said. "But I love you. I think I always have...I think I was made to love you."
"You were," Drusilla said. "You told me, when I rocked you to sleep at night, and sang songs for you, and made you muffins."
Evan grinned. "You made me muffins too?"
She giggled, close to his lips. She licked his lips, playfully.
"Cranberry," she whispered.
"Where were my parents while all this was happening?" Evan said. "I remember you being there, but...you never woke them up."
Drusilla put on a wicked smile. "Because I put them to sleep, with my eyes. I let them have you in the sun. But you were mine under the moon. My Evan."
"Y'know...I think I remember the muffins now," Evan said. "Sometimes I woke up feeling hungry, and whenever I did you took me down to the kitchen and we cooked muffins."
Evan chuckled.
"Muffins," he said. "Cranberry muffins."
Drusilla raised her finger. "Only when you ate all your vegetables at supper," she said, in a chiding tone.
Drusilla touched her lips to Evan's.
"I made the muffins with a dash of orange juice, so they would be sweeter," she whispered, and kissed him.
Her lips tasted like blood...Evan thought they tasted sweet.
"I've spent the past few years surrounded by stupid, vacuous tramps who might as well have been soulless, for all the depth they had," Evan said. "And now I'm talking to a vampire, who is soulless by definition, and she's the most amazing woman I've ever met."
"You're a sweet, precious boy," Drusilla said, and took his hand, and kissed it. "Those girls were blinded by you. You're so bright, you're blinding. You shine like the moon."
"There's a word for you," Evan said. "It's on the tip of my tongue."
"Effulgent?" Drusilla said, and grinned like she was telling herself a joke.
"What? Effulgent? No. What the hell does that mean? Is that even a word?"
"I've never been certain, myself," Drusilla said, and rolled her eyes.
But then Drusilla's lips began to tremble. Tears ran down her cheeks.
"My Spike is gone," Drusilla said. "I'm sad, Evan, I'm so sad, because my little Spike went away. The Slayer captured him in her eyes, and then she killed him."
Evan held her. Drusilla cried on his shoulder.
"Which Slayer?" Evan said.
"Buffy Summers," Drusilla said, spitting out the word. "She's such a rude girl. She doesn't have any manners. I don't like her."
"I don't like her either," Evan said. "How about I kill her for you. After I hurt her a lot first."
Drusilla instantly stopped crying. She laughed, and clapped.
"Oh, Daddy please?" she screeched, giggling now like a girl. "Please can we?"
Evan didn't finish his thought. It was embarrassing now.
"Faith?" Drusilla said, and smiled. "I see it in your mind. Your mind tells me all its secrets, Evan, it always has. No secrets from me. You and I are walking the same moonlit path now, so our destinies intertwine. Faith is my daughter. We'll take her together. We'll love her together...we'll take her into our family, and love her."
Evan smiled. He didn't understand everything she said, but he liked that...he liked deciphering her. He kissed her again, roughly, snarling a little now as he did. He needed her...he felt his need, even more powerful than his hate, surging through him now...
He threw Drusilla down onto her knees. She looked up at him, smiling.
"I've been bad, Daddy," Drusilla whispered.
Evan unzipped his pants, took out his dick, and rammed it into her mouth.
He didn't give her a chance to blow him. He held her by the hair and fucked her mouth until he came, shooting it straight down her throat.
After Drusilla had swallowed it all, she licked her lips. She spent a moment kissing his dick, and licking it clean.
He stopped holding her down. But she stayed there on her knees, smiling up at him.
Then she suddenly looked afraid.
"I'm a good girl, Daddy," Drusilla whispered. "You don't have to. You don't have to put me in the closet."
Evan took her hand, and brought her back to her feet.
"I love you," he said.
"I love you too," she said. "Will you...will you put me in a closet? Will you hurt me?"
"No," he said.
Drusilla hugged him. They stayed that way, not talking, just holding each other quietly, for a long time. Keeping each other warm.
Then Drusilla looked into his eyes again. She wasn't smiling now, and she wasn't pouting, and she wasn't crying...she wasn't a little girl now. She was a woman...and when she looked into his eyes, Evan felt her staring straight through to his heart.
"It's you, Evan," Drusilla said. "You're the most powerful. Tonight, your destiny comes into focus...it lies along a moonlit path, strewn with precious gems, shimmering under the moon...we'll shimmer together, under the moon."
"I've found the word for you," Evan said, and caressed her cheek. "Beguiling. You're beguiling."
"Such a sweet, precious boy, how you dote upon your Drusilla," Drusilla said. "You've found the word, and now you must find the path...tonight, you must set your course, with me. It's your destiny. I've seen it, Evan. The future has always been mine to see, but it's yours to shape. I've seen the world, kneeling at your feet, like I just was. I was only the first, my love, my Evan. You're the most powerful: you have all the power of Kakistos, and others will see your power, and flock to your banner. Someday, everyone in the world will kneel. Someday you'll lead an army to make war upon the sun...and you'll conquer the sun, and elevate the moon, glorify the moon. What do you want to do now? You must decide...you must begin. With me. I'll travel along the path with you always, but the first step is yours to decide. And destiny is impatient...all the night things that have awaited you your whole life, that whisper to me in visions, are impatient. They want the world again, and you were born to give it to them."
When Drusilla said those things, Evan felt like a stick of dynamite. Drusilla was the match.
"I want to hurt Buffy, and take Faith from her, and then kill her," Evan said. "I want Faith to be with us. That's what I know so far. The rest we'll figure out. All this stuff you've said...I don't know if I'm that guy yet. All I know is what I want. I want you. You're mine, and we'll figure the rest out together."
"I'm yours," Drusilla said.
"I want you to make me muffins tonight," Evan said. "We'll go to my place. We'll pick up stuff. I haven't been able to eat food since this happened and...I miss food. I wanna try to eat some food. Cranberry muffins sound just right."
Drusilla smiled. "You're still that little boy I loved, aren't you? I'll sing you to sleep tonight. And then tomorrow, we'll begin. We'll need a new place, to start. My daughter knows you. She's clever. She'll hunt you. She's planning it now."
Evan nodded. "I know. But we can't kill her."
"You can love Faith," Drusilla said. "I don't mind, I love her too. Don't you see, Evan? Your life is a story, a love story. You and Faith, Faith and Buffy, Buffy and Angelus, Angelus and I, me and you...all our lives are love stories, everyone's lives are love stories. The whole world is a love story..."
Drusilla laughed. Her laughter took wing and echoed up and down the cold, silent, deserted street, defiantly...
"But you," she said, "My son, my husband, my love, my precious Evan, you are the one who was born to write..."
She did a ballerina's pirouette, and spun herself into Evan's arms, and looked up into his dark, dead eyes, and felt her heart soar.
"The end," Drusilla whispered.