Story teaser: A broken mind is helped to mend by a true love.
I live a very boring life. The hospital is mostly my whole life, yet, I'm not happy there. I live alone in my small 3 bed room duplex. Any form of commitment scares the shit out of me. I am not committed neither do I want to be. I have a standing arrangement with my neighbor, who comes around every Tuesdays and Fridays to fuck my brains out after doing some joint - just plain sex, no strings. My neighbor Richard is not totally turn-head handsome, but he is neat; which is exactly what really matters to me. The sex is not exactly great but I usually manage to get off which helps a lot in reducing the stress.
I live a shitty life. I spend most of my time at the hospital. When I do get home late in the evening, I smoke till I get blurry eyed, and then fell into bed and toss around till morning. I don't know what is wrong with me. I feel that I am going gradually insane, rolling down the hill. I even went to see a couple of therapists for awhile, but, I had to stop whenever they started getting too close.
Presently, I concluded my rounds and entered the doctors' lounge. I went straight to the coffee maker and brewed a cup for myself. I turned around and nodded to a few of my colleagues around before taking a seat. Immediately I sat, the door opens and in walks Dr. Bette Grandfield. She waltzed in and bestowed a radiant smile on everyone in the room before grabbing her own coffee.
I sat sipping my coffee, watching Dr. Grandfield chatting up the guys. I watch them silently, almost jealously at the ease with which she could rapport with them. As the guys start leaving, one after the other, Dr. Grandfield turn and start walking towards me. When she got to me, she mumbled something and sat down. I turned my head in her direction and she gave me a radiant smile. She had an easy take on life and why wouldn't she? She is just pure blond with matching blue eyes, a very beautiful face and body to rhyme. And she is tall too but I am an inch taller than her, which will make her 5: 10". So, I'm guessing she should be happy because like me, she is not saddled with a skin color that left you hanging - too white to pass for black and not white enough to belong there, either. All through school, all my black friends never really trusted me. They all viewed me as an outsider and a traitor among them because they believed I can easily claim to be white if any problem arises. It got so bad I decided to stay on my own and that's how I have been since, which is the least of my problems.
I turned away from Dr. Grandfield and concentrate on my coffee.
"How is your morning so far?" she asks.
She has a very deep voice which can still go deeper if she reduced her voice to a whisper which I have seen her done a few times while trying to calm a patient. I don't know why she keeps doing this. This is the third week in a row. She should know by now that I am not interested in chatting with her.
"It went fine," I mumbled at her.
This is how she usually starts her banter and she doesn't stop until I walk out on her. As she chattered on, the room empties out until its remaining just us. I was thinking of a polite way to make my exit without seeming rude.
"Nadia?"
I felt a chill ran through my body. I turned to look at her. This is the first time she is using my name and it felt nice to hear it after such a long time away from home. Even my neighbor Richard calls me "Dr. Brown".
"Yes?'' I answered with one raised brow.
"Why are you so unhappy?" She asked, looking me square in the face.
I blinked at her. Talk of surprises. I thought of evading the question but the stare she fixed on me shows she is prepared, but I still had to try.
"Sorry?"
"You heard me" she said as she cocked her head to one side still staring at me.
"And who told you I am unhappy?" I shot back with a little attitude.
She smiled...
"Nadia, even a blind man can sense the sadness in you. You always keep to yourself; you hardly
talk to anyone except on professional level. Since I've been here, I hardly seen you smile. I don't even know if you know how to. What is it? What is wrong? Tell me."
As she talked, she reached out a hand and touched mine still grasping my mug. I started feeling sorry for myself. I looked at her again. I very much wanted to open up to her. She seems like somebody that will understand, but I can't trust her. I find it quite hard to trust, I just want to run from her.
"I am not unhappy", I told her softly still looking at my hands.
"Yes you are. I've never seen anyone sadder". She reached out a hand towards me and I instinctively jerked back. I hate to be touched when I'm not prepared for it. But notwithstanding my jerking back, she stretched out her hand and touched my face tenderly. And that did it; I snapped.
"And who made you the judge over me? How dare you sit there and think you know me just because your life is perfect? What do you know about my life? Who gave you the right?" I said standing.
I know I am shouting but I couldn't stop. I am so angry I thought I could hit her. From the look on her face, I know she is shocked by my outburst, but I feel so rage. I couldn't remember the last time I felt so enraged -probably before I entered medical school.
"I am not judging you, Nadia. I just want to..." she tried to explain standing too.
"Oh shut up! You want to understand why I am so sad? Ok, I will tell you -do you know how it feels to grow up not knowing where you belong; whether you are black or white? No one group willing to accept you because of fear of the other? To grow up, not having a single friend? To be all alone in the whole world?'' I paused to take a breather.
I could feel the hot tears on my cheeks, but, now I couldn't care less. I just wanted the load off my chest now that I have someone to download them on. I could feel myself shaking all over.
"Do you still want to understand?" I gushed out expelling a shaky breath. She had a sad look on her face which infuriated me even more.
"Nadia..." she started.
"Don't call me that! Don't ever call me that!" I shouted at her, all the while poking a finger in her soft chest.
I whirled around to leave. I felt her grab my arm and flipped me around to face her again. I looked into her eyes, surprised at her strength and an instant later, I felt her lips on mine. She has very soft lips and for an instant, I lost all sense of reasoning and returned the kiss with careless abandon while clinging on her like a life- line.
The kiss lasted for a minute, then, I pushed her off. I could feel my legs shaking. I feel like I will crumble to the floor, but I still manage to look her boldly in the face.
"I am so sorry. I...I ... I'm ... I don't know..." she began.
"Stay away from me", I said in ice cold voice and started walking away from her. I wanted to run but forced myself to take one step at a time until I exited.
All through the week and the next, I managed to avoid Dr. Grandfield as best as I could. I rarely enter the doctors' lounge for morning coffee anymore for fear of meeting her there. Up till now, I could hardly make sense of the kiss. It left me weak- kneed and scared the hell out of me. I have never kissed another girl before, hell! I never even had a friend to kiss and I know that if I hadn't been raped at seventeen, I could still probably be a virgin. That's how great my life is.
3 weeks after my encounter with Dr. Grandfield, I've managed to put the incident behind me and continued with my boring routine.
Friday night saw me sitting on my couch smoking myself to stupor while waiting for my neighbor to come for our standing appointment. I wonder why he is late today. I am on my 15th stick when the door bell rang. I got up and staggered to the door and flung it open thinking it is Richard, but lo! There she stood, Dr. Grandfield in all her glory. My heart accelerated from beating to jumping in my chest as I eyed her suspiciously.
"May I come in?" she asked softly.
"Why?" I asked blocking the door way
"I feel I owe you an apology and I need to explain something to you," she said.
I stepped back a little and she brushed past me and I felt the chill again. I gingerly followed her into my sitting room and sat down across from her. I sit patiently waiting for her to say something. Rather she sat quietly staring at her hands. Minutes later, she looked up to me and smiled.
"Can I have something to drink?" she asked.
"Coffee?" I offered.
She nodded and gave me a tiny smile. I walked into my kitchen and got out a goblet and poured a white wine into it. There is no way I am brewing my de-caffeinated coffee for her. I carried the wine into the sitting room and watch her watch me as I sip from it before handing it to her. She took it and held it, making no attempt to drink it. She looked up at me and I stared down at her daring her to complain.
"Thank you," she said instead
I nodded and went back to my seat.
"I'm sorry about what happened. I shouldn't have drilled you like that. I'm still ashamed at the way I attacked you. I've never done anything like that in my life before, just that you look so cute when you are angry."
As she said that, she stopped and looked at me. I continued staring at her silently. Maybe she is waiting for me to say something. As I didn't do anything, she continued.
"I know it's not an excuse. I very much want to understand you, though I set out doing that on the wrong foot but you're very beautiful to spend your life alone, you need someone in your life."
She stopped again; waiting .She is probably right about me being beautiful - I have a fair skin, almost white but not quite, with big brown eyes which is the only thing my black father ever gave me. My nose is well defined and pointed, sitting proudly on my oval face guarded by high cheek bones. My paternal grandma once described me as having a proud face - which is her way of telling me I'm pretty; considering what she believes about not telling children of their beauty. I know I still look okay after all these years, although I don't care how I look anymore.
"Are you giving me the silent treatment?" she asked. I almost laughed, except I have forgotten how to.
"No," I said shaking my head.
"You said you grew up alone, you never had any friends, but I see a huge wall you fenced around yourself which you refuse to let down for anybody to cross and come close to you." She continued.
"Dr. Grandfield, you don't know anything about my life." I told her quietly.
I don't want a repeat of what happened the last time at the hospital. So, I am working real hard to be calm and control my voice.
"Then, make me know. I've known you for a while now, yet, you are still being so formal with me. Why can't you open...?"
"I think you should leave," I said cutting her off.
She blinked at me several times as it dawned on her that I want her out. Yet, she sat there staring me in the eyes for a while.
"Why?" she asked still making no attempt to get up.
"I don't have time for your idle banter," I said with a straight face.
"Does my presence here distract you?" she asked.
And that did it. I lost it again. What is she trying to prove? Just because I didn't press' sexual harassment' charges on her, she thinks she can do anything? I jumped up from my seat and crossed over to her .I am so angry I couldn't see where I'm going. When I got to her, I grab her hand and pulled her up, knocking the wine out of her hand. I watched her as in a slow motion, holding my breath, but she didn't flinch as the liquid splashed and ran down her chest soaking her pink shirt. I started backing us towards the front door, pulling her along with me. I backed us into the centre table and we went flying. I can feel myself hanging in the air and then I hit the floor on my butt and Dr. Grandfield landed on top of me hard, knocking the breath from my lungs as she pins me to the floor.
Her body feels so soft against mine. I could feel her breathe on my face and the tantalizing smell of her perfume. It feels so good to have her on top of me. She started getting up from me but I pulled her down on top of me again. Her blue eyes stared into my brown ones. Then, she leaned down and took my mouth into hers. This time, I wanted her to and couldn't deny it. I let all my inhibitions down and opened my mouth to her. She drew my tongue into her mouth and started caressing it with her own tongue.
She is a very good kisser; she does all sorts of things with her mouth and tongue. And since I hadn't had much practice in kissing and sex in general, all I could do is to open myself to her and be a willing student. I especially love the way she breathes as she kisses me, almost as if she is choking. She ran her hands all over me, stopping on my breasts, she pinched my nipples and I moaned breaking the kiss. I opened my eyes and pulled away from her. She leaned up a little and looked at me with hooded eyes filled with passion.
"My name is Bette," she said touching my face lovingly.
"I know," I croaked at her.
"I want to hear you say it,'' she continued caressing my face.
I cleared my throat and tried again.
"Bette," I said and she smiled
"Isn't that so easy, Nadia?" She asks.
"Yes, Bette," I replied.
As I looked up at her, she bent down and kissed my forehead tenderly.
"What is happening?" I asked her confused.
"Nothing, just relax and do whatever you feel like." She said caressing my face.
"I still want to kiss you," I respond.
"Then you can." She said and smiled down at me.
I reached up and started pulling her towards me. As our lips touched, my door bell went off. We both jumped at the sound.
"Fuck!" I swore into her mouth. She gave me a quick kiss and got up from my body.
As she stood, she looked down her body and touched the wet wine stain on her blouse.
"I'm sorry about that." I mumbled as I got up from the floor, my t-shirt is wet too.
I wobbled to the door and opened it to my neighbor, Richard. We stood whispering by the door for a long while. He couldn't understand why I couldn't discharge who ever I was with to honor our long standing appointment. I kept explaining to him, over and over again, until I got fed up and shut the door on his face.
"Hope I'm not keeping you from anything?" Bette said as I walked back to the sitting room.
I shook my head 'no' and mumbled my excuse as I walked past her down the hall to my bedroom. I pulled the door close and slid off my wet t- shirt. I got a new one from the drawer and pulled it on. I also pulled another one for Bette so she could change out of her wet shirt. I entered the living room and thrust the t-shirt at her; without taking it from me, Bette, pulled off her wet blouse.
My breath caught in my throat. Her skin is perfect; smooth and supple, with the right color tan. Her breasts are medium sized and I can see the outline of her nipples through her bra. Her breasts rises and falls in rhythm with her breathing. Her stomach is flat and hard, I can see the muscles on her arms and torso as she stood facing me. She looked so much like an athlete that I wonder how her work- out schedule is. As I stood ogling her body, I felt a thug on my arm and looked down; Bette was trying to take the t-shirt from my hand.
"I could have loved nothing more than to stand here and let you eat me up with your eyes, but I'm so cold. So, please, can I have the shirt? Please?" she smiled sweetly at me.
"Of course." I answered stupidly as I released the shirt.
I felt the color rising to my face. I can't believe I am blushing like a teenager. Bette laughed and hit my arm jokingly.
"God, you are so gay!" she said still laughing.
"No, I am not." I replied turning away.
To preserve the little dignity I had left, I grabbed her discarded blouse and start heading to my spare room where my washer is.
"Where are you going?"
''To dump this into the washer. Why?" I asked back.
"You're going to wash it now? I can't go back home naked." She said.
"In this weather? You're planning to leave now?" I asked alarmed.
"It will probably lessen in an hour." She said shrugging
"It looks like it is worsening to me." I said and walked out.
As I stepped out of the room I saw her going towards the windows, probably to check the weather. It saddens me that she wished to leave tonight. I would've really loved it if she could stay over so I could explore this thing I found with her. This ... this feeling. I dump the blouse into the washer and poured in the detergent and hit the start button.
As I exited the room, the light flickered and went off. Everywhere became pitch black. I couldn't see. I can feel the panic rising within me. The demons are coming to get me-the three of them. I need to get to a light. I need to regain control. I can't lose it, no, not while she is here. I started walking towards where I believe is the direction of my sitting room, but I couldn't make it. My legs felt like leads and wouldn't move from the floor. I could feel their hands tearing my legs apart. Tears are pouring down my face and I could feel the darkness enveloping me. I need the light desperately. I need to be in control, maybe she can help. I am beginning to lose my breath. In a few minutes, I could be dead. No!
"Bette!"
She answered. She must have felt the panic in my voice because in the next instant, she was kneeling beside me. She is holding a small light which I'm guessing must be coming from her cell- phone. It couldn't help me because the panic has already set in.
"What is it? Baby, answer me, did you hurt yourself?" she asked wiping the tears from my cheeks.
She ran the tiny light all over my body, probably checking for the wound. I can feel the confusion in her voice and I want to reassure her, but how can I do that when I'm being choked to death by those hands, while the other is dragging me to hell? I clung to her as tight as I could.
"Nadia, it's ok. Just relax."
"They... they...l...light...hurt...light..." I managed to choke out.
"Baby, nobody is hurting you? Just relax; the light will come back on. Just look at me baby. Look at me.'' She said softly cradling my head.
I could feel her soothing voice at the back of my mind and it made me feel a little safe. The attacks started immediately after the rape, then, later the nightmares. But the nightmares and the crawling sensation I get whenever I was touched, stopped later but I still have the attacks once in a while. But, I haven't had them since I finished medical school. This is the worst I've had though, and in her presence too. I've probably spooked her off.
"Nadia, baby look at me. Please." She pleaded with me, pointing the light to her face.
I could hear her voice over the war raging in my head. I managed to focus on her eyes and the understanding there. I felt happy that she is not feeling sorry for me.
"Good, baby you are doing great. Now take a deep breath. Do it with me."
We both took a deep breath and hold it in a little before releasing. When I expelled the breath, I felt a little better, so I took another one and another.
"See? Come." She smiled down at me as she got up.
She pulled me up and I fell against her because I'm still shaking very badly. She half carried and half dragged me into the sitting room. She dumped me into the couch and sat beside me wiping the sweat and tears from my face. I could still feel them circling around trying to grab a hold of me, so, I climbed into her laps and hugged her tight to myself. We sat like that for eternity, her hand stroking my back as she rocked me.
"It's alright, just relax." She said and starts singing for me.
I can't hear a word of what she is singing but hearing her voice soothes me very much. Moments later, the lights flickered back on. I released my hold on her a little and raised my head to search her face to know if she is abhorred by me. But she seems to be enjoying holding me to her. I laid back my head on her shoulder as she continued running her hand all over my back. Soon her touch turned from soothing to caressing. I could feel the heat rushing through my body. I moaned a little and leaned away from her.
"You want to talk about it?" she asked me tenderly. I shook my head 'no'.
"What do you want to do?"
"This..." I replied as I bent down and claimed her lips.
The kiss turned hot and hard immediately. I moaned into her mouth. I have never before in my life felt this way. I've never wanted anyone like I wanted Bette now. It never occurred to me that I could be gay, but here I am enjoying this beautiful woman. She ran her fingers across my chest. I felt her cold fingers touch my hot flesh and claimed my hard nipples... what happened to my bra? I am sure I was wearing one before. I looked down at myself; my t- shirt too is gone. What the hell happened here? I looked up and stared at her suspiciously.
"You pulled them off earlier when the power was off." She told me while laughing softly at the look on my face.
"So, I guess I am the only one over- dressed for this occasion." She continued.
We resumed kissing as Bette tried to undress. I love the way she kiss me, it feels so nice. As we kiss, her hand roamed all over my chest pinching and pulling my nipples while the other one held my neck steady against her. She stooped down my body and took a nipple into her mouth and sucked hard. I moaned loud and held her head to my chest as she starts flicking her tongue on my nipple driving me wild. After awhile, she transferred her attention to my other tit.
She turned me over and I lay on my back on the couch. She resumed sucking and licking my tits. When she starts sliding down my body again, I froze in fear... what if she doesn't like me? I know she thinks I am a freak right now. Not after what she witnessed; my attack. I wonder what she is still doing touching me.
"Bette?"
"Mmmmhh?" she mumbled as she continued kissing my navel. I need to stop her but she's kinda making it difficult with what she is doing to me.
"No, Bette. Wait." I said pulling her head off my stomach.
"What's the matter?"
"I think you should leave." I said
"Why? What's wrong?
"Please? I need you to go" I pleaded with her.
She got up slowly and quietly gathers her bag and coat and walks toward the door. I quickly slid my shirt on and pulled it down as I followed behind, all the while telling myself that I am making a terrible mistake by shutting her out, but I know deep down that I am right. I need some time to think. As we got to the door, I reached out and pulled it open for her to pass. She turned back to me and stares steadily at me for a few minutes.
"I understand what you must be feeling; I know it must be confusing. But I will give you time to sort and figure things out for yourself. Just know you are so ready for this and you deserve to be loved. I know it's hard to understand but I want to love you, if you'll give me a chance."
She stopped talking and caressed my cheeks for a while, and then she puckered up and gave me a soft kiss.
"You drive me crazy. I'll see you. G'night." She whispered as she walked out.
I quietly shut the door behind me and went and sat on my sofa to think. I am so aroused that I can barely think straight. Thirty minutes later, after much tossing and more smoking, I went into my room. I pulled off my t-shirt and my pants and pulled on my long robe and left the house. Few minutes later, Richard opened his door to me. I slowly pulled the belt of my robe and opened it, showing him the outline of my naked body. He stares at me for a while, then pulled me into his house and shut the door behind us.
************* ************** **************
I started seriously avoiding Dr. Grandfield as best I could. I rarely go anywhere that I know she might be at. If I entered the lounge, I'd be sure I left long before she's due to enter. I even ran into nearby rooms few times I noticed her approaching towards me. I was sure that I could ignore what I am feeling if only I had nothing to do with her any longer. Few times, when I hadn't had a chance to dodge her, she will nod or smile as she walked past me. But always, she calls me every night asking me to meet her for a drink, which I always declined.
Few days later, I ran into her at the hospital's garage. I was delayed because one of my patients went into seizure, so I had to stay back to get him stabilized before going. I was approaching the elevator when I saw Bette entering the elevator. I was sure she was leaving, so I snuck back into my office and to be on the safe side, I waited for 20 minutes before leaving again. I rode the elevator to the garage for my car. The garage was a little dark but I know I'll be safely in my car within minutes.
As I opened the car door to enter, I felt a presence behind me. I froze in fear. What if it's them out to hurt me again? I know it can be. It's been long that happened, but still? I willed myself not to panic and remain calm. Slowly, I turned round.
"Dr. Brown. You okay?"
"Yes, I'm fine. Thank you." I breathed a sigh of relief to see it was a paramedic guy. He's sweet on me but I can't for the life of me remember his name; Tom or Sam? I know it's one of those.
"Are you sure?" he asked
"Yes, Sam. I'm okay."
"Um... it's Tom. Goodnight." He said as he entered his car.
"Yes, Tom... sorry." I apologized. "Goodnight." I added as he drove off.
I sigh heavily in relief as I turned to enter my car.
"You've been avoiding me." I froze.
I'd know that deep voice anywhere. If not for anything, then for what it does to me anytime I heard it. As I stood frozen, my breath quickens and I start trembling.
"Why?" she whispered.
"No." I managed to say.
She came closer and circled my waist and hugged me from behind. I felt her breasts pressed into my back as she breathes deeply at the back of my neck. We stood like that for a while, and then she pulled away.
"Will you look at me, please? She pleaded.
I took a huge breath, then, slowly turned round to face her.
"You've been avoiding me."
It was a simple statement not a question or an accusation.
"Why? And don't tell me 'no' again because we both know that you are."
"I...I...um... I've been busy." I gushed out.
"I see. Well, can we grab a drink?"
"Now?" I asked stupidly
"What do you think?" she flashed me a sad smile
"I have to get home. I ... I have things to do."
"Like what?" she stared at me waiting for an answer and I stood looking at the floor; all the while trying to form another lie to tell. I've never been good at lying and from the look on her face; I know she's found me out.
"It's okay. I understand if you don't want to go out with me." She said quietly
"It's not that. I'm busy."
"It's okay. I understand, really. Goodnight." She turned and walked back to her car.
I stood there debating within myself on what to do. After a few seconds I followed her. I saw her leaning her head on the steering wheel of her car. She's probably very tired, I thought. She hadn't noticed me yet, so, I tried the passenger door and it opened. She raised her head as I got in and quickly ran a hand over her face. I thought that those shiny liquid I saw few seconds before she wiped them off could be tears, but it can't be. I don't think anybody could ever cry on my account.
We sat quietly for a few minutes without talking; probably she is waiting for me to talk while I was waiting for her to say something. Then, slowly, she start the car and drove off. I have no idea where she is heading to and I don't want to ask and break the silence. I sat quietly breathing fast and shallowly; I am afraid that my attack might start any moment. I leaned my head back on the head rest and closed my eyes. Moments later I felt her hand on mine. She squeezed mine real tight.
"It's alright. Just relax and you'll be fine."
I relaxed back and closed my eyes and I guess I must have slept off, because moments later, I felt her touch on my face. I startled awake and sat up.
"I'm sorry, didn't mean to alarm you but we are here." Bette said
I stare out the window. Nothing seems familiar.
"Where is this? I thought we are getting a drink?" I asked
"My home, and yes, we are." She replied as she un- buckles her seat belt and stepped out of the car. I sat watching her every movement, forgetting that I too need to leave the car as well. She circled around to the passenger side and knocked on the window. I wind down the window and peered out at her.
"You coming or what?" She asked
"Yes." I replied still making no attempt to get out.
She reached inside the car and unlocked and opened the door.
"Well?" she asked
"Of course." I replied as I scampered out. She chuckled to herself.
I followed her to the elevator and got in. As we rode quietly to her apartment, I kept wondering why she brought me 'here', to her home. She took out her keys and opened the door of her apartment. I entered and stood staring around the big sitting room which was tastefully furnished. I fell in love with her apartment immediately. I love her simple decoration. It made the room seem larger with more spaces to spare. The furniture is pure leather; all different from the other but they still matched with the way they were placed. They are probably antiques.
"Make yourself comfortable. I'll get you a drink. What will you have?" Bette asked as she pulled off her jacket and dumps it along with her bag on the sofa.
"I think I will have coffee. Thank you." I replied as I slumped into the sofa.
"You must be really tired." She said leaving the room.
I got up and walked around the room, peering at framed pictures and some art works. She has a nice collection of arts; although I don't recognize any of the artists. As I made to sit again, I caught the sight of fresh flowers in my peripheral view. I immediately changed course towards it. I've always loved flowers; they drew me like a moth to a flame. I approached the flower and lifted the vase to my face and inhaled deeply. I let the petals brushed my face lightly, then I inhaled again and sneezed.
"You probably shouldn't be doing that, since you're allergic."
I whirled around in surprise.
"Should I remove it from the room?" Bette continued.
''No, it's fine. I always loved doing that. I love flowers. And this one is really lovely with its vibrant yellow. What are they?" I asked
"It's Yellow bush." She answered
"Oh! Well, I've never seen it before but it has such a strong, sweet fragrance." I commented
"It's from Africa."
"Good."I replied
Then I turned and raised a small framed picture of Bette with a gorgeous black woman. They both held each other tightly and I can see the love in their eyes shining through the camera. I turned and held the picture to her. I know the woman could only be one person, but I still want to hear her say it.
"That's my ex."
"I know. Do you have a thing for black women?" I asked daringly
"Excuse me?
I cocked my head to one side giving her my stubborn stance. I know I shouldn't have said it, at least not the way it came out, but I want to see her reaction.
"Why do you say that?" she asked again. I can see the trace of anger in her eyes.
I smiled within myself, I wanted her to crack. I eyed the picture in my hand, then rolled my eyes at myself and then looked back at her. She looked at me for a while, and then she sighed. She walked into my space, leans up and bit my lower lip hard. I felt the electricity raced through my spin. I stood gawking as she placed the coffee in my hand and walked away.
I managed to make it back to the sofa before falling over. I spilled some coffee on myself and the hot liquid helped to revive me a little. I wonder why Bette has this strong effect on me. I could still feel my lips tingling from where she bit me. I know I deserved it but I wasn't expecting her to fight back that way.
Ten minutes later, when I was wondering if maybe I should go, she entered. She has cooled down considerably. She gave me a tiny smirk when she saw me looking at her. She has changed out of her work clothes. She wore a long over-sized t-shirt that got up to her knees. I watched her well shaped legs as they crossed in front of the other as she approached. Then I looked up to watch her breasts sway provocatively as she walks; it's obvious that she has removed her bra because her nipples were poking through and very visible.
I watched her fiddle with the heater and then sway back to the settee and sat. She stretched out and place 2 goblets on the centre table; then proceeded to open the wine she was holding. I hadn't noticed her holding the wine, probably because I was busy noticing other, more fun parts of her. She opened the wine and pour a generous amount into both glasses, then handed one to me. I gingerly set down my coffee and took the glass from her. We sat sipping the wine in silence. I finished mine and set the glass down. The silence is getting too uncomfortable for me; for the second time tonight, I was thinking maybe I should leave. Bette leaned forward to refill my glass again. I thought maybe I should probably tell her that I don't have the head for alcohol. I could feel my eyes getting heavy just from this single glass I had already taken.
"So, how your week been?" She asks refilling my glass
"Fine."
"Good to know." She replied.
She fixed me with a hard stare. I could tell she had something on her mind. I tried to hold her stare but I couldn't. I got nervous and downed my drink in one go and set the glass down again. I looked up and Bette looked at my glass and then back at me with a raised brow. I just sat staring at her. She leaned forward and refilled my glass again.
"So, do you want to talk about it?"
"Talk about what?" I countered
"What happened at your house?"
"I told you I don't want to talk about it." I said as I picked up my drink.
My head is getting so heavy and my eyelids drooping. I don't know why I can't drink. I could smoke anything and feel alright, but when it comes to drink, I can't seem to take more than one glass. I don't even finish the half glass I normally pour during dinner. And here, I've already drunk 2 glasses and armed with the third one.
"We need to talk about it. I know it's the major reason you asked me out of your house."
"That's not true." I replied
"Then, what do you think about us?" She asked
''Nothing." I said trying not to slur my words.
"I left you so you could think on what you want to do about us." Bette said, pronouncing her words carefully.
She is beginning to sound like my high school principal, as if I'm stupid. Maybe she thinks I'm drunk.
"What about us? Why do I have to do anything about us?" I fired back
"You should probably stop drinking that." Bette said leaning forward to hold back my hand.
"Why? You think I'm drunk? My voice rose to almost a shout.
"I don't think, you are." Bette said raising her voice as well.
I stared at her for a while. I could feel my body shaking in anger. She calmly returned my stare.
"So I was at a wrong place at a wrong time. So I got raped by three ass holes, big deal. So, I get the attack every once in a while, big fucking deal. Is that what you want to talk about? I'm not a charity case and I don't need you to rescue me. You know what Dr. Grandfield, I'm gone. Thanks for the drink." I shouted as I got up.
I could hear my voice along with my body shaking. I gathered my bag and coat and straightened to leave. I took a few steps only, and then I feel the blood rushing to my head. The next thing I know, Bette was leaning over me begging me to help her a little by carrying some of my weight because she need to get me back to the sofa. But, why should I help her? She caused this. So I closed my eyes tighter and lay listening to her trying to lift me.
"Please Nadia; I know you can hear me. Help me out. I can't lift you. You are bigger than me." She pleaded
Now, I tried to get up but my limbs felt so heavy. I could feel her drag me on the floor to the sofa, then I willed myself with Bette's help and climbed the sofa. It took all the energy I had left. I guess I must have fainted again, because the next time I opened my eyes, I saw it's almost daylight. I felt disoriented. I looked around before it occurred to me that I never left Bette's house last night. I quickly scampered off the couch, noticed I'm in my underwear. I felt around for my clothes, saw them folded neatly on top of the side stool. I gathered them along with my shoes and bag and ran off. As I pass by the door, I grabbed Bette's keys. I opened her car and got in. I am trembling all- over; I sat there for minutes gathering myself before I drove off.
When I got home, I could hear my phone ringing as I opened the door. I rushed over and picked up.
"It's me. Are you okay?" I froze again at the sound of that voice.
"Yes. I have to go. Bye." I rushed and hang up before she could get another word in.
I went into my room and undressed again, then fell into bed.
************ ************** **************
Two weeks later, I have finally finished fighting the battle and won. I've finally convinced myself that I deserved to be loved, which was what Bette was offering me and also acknowledged what I felt and still feel for Bette. I've made up my mind to give myself another chance and have a go at it. But first, I need to set some things right. I gather all my courage and left the house before I could change my mind. All the time it took me to make the journey, my wuss side tried all it could to convince me that what I'm doing is not wise and to turn back and few times I actually turned back only to whirl around immediately to continue. So, I guess my heart must be stronger.
When I reached my destination, I gingerly climbed the front porch steps and with my heart beating on my bums, I rang the door bell. I waited. It probably took a few minutes for the door to open, but to me, it felt like an eternity. This is the second time I am setting foot in this house since this all started. Finally it opened and I took a huge calming breath before looking up.
"Oh! Hi Dr. Brown, I was just getting ready."
"I know, that's why I came."
"Oh! Are you okay?" my neighbor Richard asked
"Yes, I am fine. Mind if I come in?" I asked
"Of course?" he answered.
He stepped away from the door, allowing me entrance. He looked really worried; I almost start feeling sorry for him. I sat on the sofa and cleared my throat. He went into another room that must have been the kitchen because he came back holding two glasses of wine, of which one was handed to me. I wanted to decline, but what the hell? I gingerly take a sip and placed the glass down. I really want to do this clear headed. I cleared my throat again.
"Richard, I have to tell you something. I don't want you to feel bad, that I have used you. It's just that a lot has happened over the past month that left me wondering and questioning myself. But I'm glad that I am able to sort it out in my own way. I could have ignored this but I owe you an explanation considering we've been doing this for 3 years now." I paused for breath.
I watched Richard waiting anxiously for me to continue.
"I am a lesbian." I said matter of factly.
It amazed me how calm I sound, notwithstanding the tough war waging inside me. Richard stared at me for awhile, and then he burst out laughing.
"Are you kidding? I know something was up when you weren't there for three weeks in a row, but this?" he asked when he managed to gather himself.
"I met someone. And I think I love her."
"You think? He queried
"I've been trying to sort out my feelings. All I know is I respect and adore her and I can't live to see anything happen to her. I know I will love to stare into her eyes as I go to sleep every night and wake up in the morning lying in her arms." I said. I am sure that Richard was as surprised as I am at that.
I am starting to scare myself with what is coming out of my mouth. I've never been the romantic type; have never even paid anybody a real compliment in my life unless in sarcasm.
"Dr. Brown..." Richard started
"Nadia." I said cutting him off
He took and huge breath and sighed loudly, then tried again.
"Nadia, if you are really sure about this, then I wish you luck. You don't have to feel guilty for me, we had an arrangement. It's not like we were dating. I just appreciate you respecting me enough to tell me. I wish you luck in your love life, God knows you need it."
"Thank you." I said as I stood to hug him.
I stayed at Richard's for hours and we talked about everything. He is quite sharp and funny, and has an interesting view to all the topics. I wonder why I never discussed anything with him before. I know he will make some lady very happy one day. Around midnight, I got up to leave; Richard walked me all the way back to my house to make sure I was safe.
Now, I have just few things to do. First I called the hospital and found out that Bette is off on Sunday. So, I guess I have to return her car and keys and then try to convince her that I've decided on what is best, hopefully, she may not have changed her mind. After that, I went to bed and for the first time since, I was at peace with myself and slept all through the night without the help of a pill.
On Saturday, I did some cleaning. I felt so light and chipper. I even caught myself humming a tone twice. It really spooked me out. I just can't wait for Sunday to tell Bette how I feel about her and things between us. At noon, I got a call from the hospital and went in hoping I might run into Bette but not. I even entered the doctor's lounge and waited around, but she didn't appear. Finally around 8: 30 pm, feeling a little disappointed, I left.
I fiddled with my door in an attempt to open it before I noticed that the door was open-nothing unusual there, I used to forget to lock up sometimes. I pushed open the door and entered, shrugging off my coat. It landed on the floor along with my bag. I thought I smelt Bette's perfume but I guess it must be because I want her so much that my subconscious is playing tricks on me. I hurried over and flip on the light. I thought I heard a moan but I ignored it. As I turned back to the couch, I screamed.
"Fuck! What the...? What the hell are you doing here giving me a heart attack?" I screamed
"I just came to..." Bette began
"How the hell do you enter anyway?" I asked cutting her off, breathing hard to control myself.
"The door was unlocked." She looked at me.
"I'm sorry if I scared you. It's just that I need my car and I can't keep waiting for you to return it, knowing that you can't." she continued.
"I was meaning to return it tomorrow." I replied in a small voice
"It's okay. I can take it now. Keys?
I flipped my head to one side and she followed my gaze to see the key on the dining table. I couldn't move from the spot I am standing. I could feel my body trembling. I just hope it doesn't mature into a full blown attack. Bette must have noticed it too because instead of going to take her keys, she came and stood in front of me.
"It's ok. I understand you don't want to see me, but I really need the car. I'll just take it and get out of your face. I just hope we could be friends if not anything else."
I watched Bette and I know she is hurting. I wanted to tell her all the things I planned on saying, but somehow, the words couldn't come out. At last I managed to choke out something.
"No." I was mortified to hear me say this.
Is that all I could do? And obviously she understood it as what it meant. She silently leaned up and gave me a soft wet peck on the cheek. I stood watching as she walked past me to retrieve her keys and then starts making her way to the door. I can't believe she is leaving, our relationship ended long before it had a chance to start. I felt my attack coming. I can't lose her, not after all I have been through; to find the one person I think I love and let her leave like that because of my stupidity and cowardice.
As her hand touched the door knob, I shut my eyes tightly and whispered her name in farewell. It must have carried because she turned and face me with such an expectant look on her face. Her face is wet with tears and I could feel my eyes misting up too. I swallowed the sob in my throat and looked up at her.
"Bette, please don't go."
I couldn't think of anything else to say. We stood looking at each other, she was openly sobbing now. I hated myself for hurting her. Gingerly, I took a step towards her and she did the same, then we completed the rest in a run and fell into each other's arms. I held her tightly as she kissed me all over the face crying.
"I love you. I love you. I love you..." she kept repeating as she kissed me.
I tried my best to return all her kisses and I guessed I passed. After a while, I just held her until she cooled down, then I led her to the sofa and let her sit on my legs as I cradled her head in my arms. I stroked her hair and face, all the while watching her as she tried to control herself. She finally succeeded. I watched her silently like a hawk till she felt self- conscious.
"What? You don't think I cry?" she asked
"No. you are so beautiful. I'm sorry for being so pig-headed, and hurting you in the process."
"I don't mind as long as you come back to your senses." She responded and smiled at me.
"Can I kiss you?" I asked as I ran a finger over her lower lip.
"I will be glad." She whispered already leaning towards me.
The kiss began. At first; she just offered her lips and let me do all the work. I've picked up a few tricks since I started kissing Bette. I let my lips ran across hers lightly, and then I kissed her left cheek like I'm kissing a mouth - with tongue and all. Then I slid up and kissed her lips again and pulled over to her right cheek before she could open her mouth and proceeded to suck it thoroughly like I did the other. I raised again to her lips, and this time, I allowed my tongue to pry apart her lips timidly and met hers. Bette moaned loudly in her throat.
"Yes baby, you are driving me crazy." She said as she took control of the kiss.
She kissed me with such ferocity that it practically took my breath away. I had no doubt that she loves me and I think I love her too, but I never imagined that a kiss can convey so much. She leaned back and stared at me seriously. I could feel her shaking and I know she feels me too. She has a question in her eyes as she looks at me. There is no ambiguity about the question, neither is there any about the answer. I leaned over and kissed her softly and I guess that answered her question because she moaned and start undressing me hurriedly.
In seconds, my chest was bare and my pants opened and pulled a little down than its normal position on my waist. Then without breaking the kiss, she made to start removing her own clothes.
"Let me," I told her steadying her hand with mine.
I got up and pulled her with me towards my bedroom. When we got there, I pushed her into my bed and slid on top of her. Our mouths immediately sought each others in an explosive kiss. Our tongues sought and caressed each others. I love the way she tastes-like hot chocolate. I've never kissed anybody that tastes half as good as she does. &n bsp; "I could kiss you forever.'' I told her breaking away from her. "Then all my worries are gone." She answered smiling up at me.
I could feel unfamiliar muscles stretching and contracting on my face.
"You look so beautiful when you smile; so soft, almost like a baby." She said touching my face.
"How do you know?" I asked puzzled.
"Because I am looking at you do it right now. The first I've seen since I've known you." She replied.
I could still feel my lips stretching and I know my teeth are showing, but I still couldn't stop. The next thing, I laughed: I mean really laughed. It felt wonderful the way the sound passes through your heart and bursts out your mouth. I decided to try it again. I've forgotten how it feels to laugh, to be happy. So, I lay on top of Bette and learned to laugh again. At a stage, I stopped laughing and looked down at her in adoration.
"Thank you," I said as my eyes clouded over with tears of joy.
"Nope, you did it all yourself and you are adorable. Now come down here and start working towards forever". She said
I reached down and pulled her t-shirt over her head as she lifted up to give me access. Then, I slid down and pulled down her black denim and her black lace panties. I paused for a few minutes and stare at her clean shaved pussy, and then I kissed my way up to her mouth again. As we kissed, I opened my bed side drawer and pulled out my pair of scissors. I sat up on her waist and reached up and quickly cut the hands off her bra. I did it so fast; she didn't know what was happening.
"My God! What did you just do? You are so paying for this," she squealed as she reached for me, but I am faster.
I quickly put the scissor on the cleft between her breasts and cut the bra into two. She gave a little cry and try to overturn me from her body, I held on. We wrestled around for domination. Her strength surprised me, but I know I can easily over-power her. But, notwithstanding, I let her pin me down and slid down fast to pull off my pants. She used her fingers to tear my lace panties from my body.
"Jesus!" I screamed
"You want to play rough, right?
"Yes...yes." I gasped
She pushed 3 fingers roughly into my hot pussy. I screamed and came immediately. She continued pushing her fingers in and out of me, while her thumb massaged my swollen clit. Her other hand tweaked and pinched my nipples hard and roughly. I was gasping in pain mixed with pleasure. Few minutes later, I froze in mid-air for a while before convulsing and shaking with my orgasm. I gasped for breath as I came down from the peak of my orgasm. When I regained my breath, she got up from between my legs and landed hard on top of me, temporary knocking the breath out of my lungs again. When I regained my breath again the second time, she put her fingers into my mouth and I taste my cum on them.
"Are you ok?" she asked, cradling my face in her left hand while I sucked her other hand. I shook my head yes.
"I'm sorry I lost control. I lose control around you. "She said
"It's... I am fine. I wanted it hard." I replied.
She stared down at me for a long while and then leaned down to kiss me lovingly.
"You are driving me crazy." She whispers and claimed my lips again.
"Yeah? You keep saying that."
"Because it's true?" she countered
"Well then my dear, allow me to show you crazy."
I flipped her over and start running my hands all over her body. I kissed her mouth, her chin, and cheeks. Then I burrowed into her neck and took a deep breath, inhaling her in; her sweet scent filled my nostrils, I know immediately, that's where I want my head to be if ever I go to sleep this night. I nuzzled on her neck, and then kissed my way down to her chest. I trailed kisses down the centre of her breasts without touching them. As I started kissing her stomach, I felt her tugging on my arm.
"What?" I asked feigning irritation.
"That kiss would have knocked me out if you'd passed through both sides instead of just from the middle. I believe you missed something." She said breathless.
"Ssshhhs!" I hissed at her and continued kissing her stomach. I slid down a little, then instead of going through the middle like I did on her chest; I go through the side; kissing down one leg and then starting up on the other.
"See? I am taking your advice," I said mockingly
"No, come up and go through the middle. Please, it's throbbing and I can't stand it anymore." She begged.
I slowly kissed up the other leg, then go up her body till I got to her lips again. I started kissing down slowly again, when I got to her chest, I passed through the centre again to her stomach. By now, her whole body is shaking uncontrollably. I kissed back up to her breasts; her pink nipples were so distended and pulsing in arousal. I used my tongue to circle around her nipple before claiming it in my mouth. She moaned loudly and starts pushing up from the bed. Her hand slid between her legs but I slapped it away. I suckled her two breasts for a while, and then I continued my downward journey until I got to her pussy again. This time, I parted her lips and stared at her pussy for a while. I felt the panic rising within me. She must have noticed it too because, she reached out her hand and touch my face lovingly.
"It's ok baby. Just relax, you're doing fine."
"I don't know what I'm doing here." I gushed out scared
"Everything you are doing is wonderful. Baby, you're getting me so hot. Come up here."
She pulled me up her body and kissed me ferociously.
"Touch me and feel how wet I am for you." She gasped as she continued kissing me.
She led my hand between her legs and they parted automatically for me. I touched her pussy timidly and she moaned. She was so wet that my hand becomes drenched in her pussy juice almost immediately.
"You see? Now go down and see how wet you make me." She almost begged
I slid down her body again. I leaned down, closed my eyes and boldly planted my whole tongue on her pussy and pushed down hard, her sweet sour taste hit me at once. She started pushing and bucking hard against my tongue. I withdrew my tongue in order to savor the taste for a while, then I flipped it twice on her clit and she came at once against my face, filling my mouth with her cum. I love the way she tastes. I wanted to get every drop that escaped from her honey pot. As I lapped, she kept getting wetter and wetter. As I struggled to get her dry, she started moaning again.
"Baby, you're driving me insane," she whispered as she ran her hand through my hair.
I plunged my tongue inside her hole and she gasped and started pumping up from the bed. I let my left thumb drift to her clit and start rubbing while I wiggle my tongue inside her. She convulsed again and came. She continued shaking while her whole body kept contracting, so, I guess she is still coming. At a point, she screamed and passed out. I quickly licked the juice as much as I could off her, then I slid up her body and burrowed into her neck and slept off.
*********** ************ ************
I woke to a wet kiss on my brows. I opened my eyes and stared up at Dr. Grandfield confused. Then it dawned on me what had happened. I blinked up at her.
"Bette?" I asked
"I am here, honey," she smiled at me and I smiled back
"I'm sorry I passed out. I figured it's either that or a serious coronary. So, I opted for the lesser," she continued
She reached down and claimed my lips. The kiss this time around, was full of tenderness and love. We continued kissing for a while without hurry. She broke up from me:
"Do you want me in your life?" she asked with an expectant look on her face.
"Very much, but you have to want to be in it." I replied
"I want to, but you have to let me." She countered
"I will, but there are some things you need to understand about me. I had a horrible experience growing up. It's very hard for me to trust. So I'm guessing it's going to be hard at first." I said
"And who told you it's going to be hard? She asked smiling
"You've witnessed some of my bad moments a few times. And I promise you that the worst is still to come." I smiled at her and she smiled back.
"What really happened to you?" she asked shaking her head
"A lot, I'm trying to forget,"
"What is the worst thing that happened to you?" she persisted
I took a deep breath before answering. I really don't want to talk about this, but I know that if I want to build a relationship with her, she has to know about me. Though, I am not in the mood of recounting my horrid past at this precise moment. I feel real scared of the way I'm feeling about Bette.
"The worst thing? Mmm... Let's see. All through my life, everything that happened to me, I felt the pain either physically or emotionally. But when I got raped at 17, I felt the pain physically, emotionally and psychologically. So, I guess I'll have to say that is the worst."
As I finished, Bette had tears in her eyes. I didn't tell her the details because I don't want her to start feeling sorry for me. I didn't tell her of the agonizing pain I felt as the first cock tore through my innocent body. I didn't tell her how I wished they could kill me instead of leaving me alive to feel the pain of their rotten pricks going in and out of my every hole. I didn't tell her of how they took turns raping me one after the other or how after I passed out, how I laid there in the cold for hours before I finally got noticed. How horrible I felt when I woke up in the hospital or the humiliation of watching the doctor probe open all the hole in my body too, looking for God knows what, or of all the pills I had to take. And the worst, how nobody noticed I was even gone at home nor cared enough to look for me. I didn't tell her how even when the hospital called them, it still took them a whole day to make it to the hospital. Or how they believed it was my fault because I go around teasing them because I believe no one is good enough for me, therefore, I wanted them to rape me. No, I didn't tell her all this. I didn't because I don't want to hurt her again. But I guess she knows what I'm not telling her. I am not the first rape victim; she is a doctor and surely, she must have treated at least one. So, I guess she knows and that's why she had tears in her gorgeous eyes as I finished. I didn't want to see her cry, so I smiled to show her that I'm not hurting anymore. But the tears still flooded over and ran down her cheeks to my waiting fingers.
"I am so sorry..." she began
"It's ok, honey. It's not your fault. It's been 20 years since it's happened. So you see?" I smiled at her. I tickled her nose till she laughed.
"Okay. What's the best thing that's happened to you?" she asked me again
I scratched my head thinking hard.
"Let's see...um...well, I managed to pull myself through medical school and then..." I paused and look up at her. She is staring at me in expectation. Her blue eyes still wet, and shinny from her recent tears. I reached up and touched her face tenderly.
"...Then, I met you," I finished
She stared at me for a while, and then she burst into laughter which I joined in eagerly.
"God! You are an ultimate heart breaker," she said
"No, I am not!" I screamed and grabbed for her.
We rolled around on the bed until I had her pinned under me. She clasped my face in both her hands as she stared into my face.
"I love you so much, Nadia. You don't have to be alone anymore, you have me now."
"I love you too, Bette," I replied.
It didn't come as a surprise to me how easily it slipped out, but it sure does surprised Bette.
"You ... um... you don't have to say that to be nice, Nadia." She whispered her voice choking.
I twisted my body to the side and had her on top of me easily.
"Do I look like someone that will joke with such a thing?" I asked and she shook her head.
"Now come down here and let me show you how much you mean to me, my lovely Bette." I said as our lips meet again in a lifelong agreement of two hearts.
In my heart, I am scared. I have never been in love before. But I still know that this is it; that no matter what happened, we will sail through. As she held me tight to her, I know this instant that this is what I want. This is where I want to be; beside Bette, under Bette, on top of Bette and inside Bette. I have never felt like this in my whole life, so I know that finally that I've come home and this is definitely it.
THE END...