Part 7

When we last left our story Joxer went into the kitchen to say hi to Lila and Gabrielle had kissed all thoughts of Joxer out of Xena's head.



Xena: You know Gabrielle your kisses are the cure to all my ills.

Gabrielle: Yours are the cure for mine as well.

Xena: What can I cure for you right now?

Gabrielle: You can cure my lips' loneliness.

Xena: My pleasure.

{Xena begins to administer the cure but is interrupted by a shout by Lila from the kitchen.}

Lila: Joxer! Would you just sit down please?

{Gabrielle and Xena stop kissing and let out a groan.}

Gabrielle: I sent him in there, so I guess I better help Lila out with him.

{Xena gets up out of the chair with Gabrielle in her arms.}

Gabrielle: Are you going to carry me into the kitchen?

Xena: That's up to you.

{Suddenly the sound of breaking glass comes from the kitchen.}

Gabrielle: I guess not!

{Xena quickly lets Gabrielle down from her arms and they both race into the kitchen. On the floor are pieces of tea cups.}

Xena: Are you two alright?

Lila: Yes, we're fine.

Gabrielle: What happened?

{Before Lila could answer Lyceus and Eli came running into the kitchen.}

Eli: Is everyone alright?

{No one answers Eli as all are staring at Lyceus.}

Lyceus: What?

Xena Did you forget something brother?

{Lyceus suddenly realizes he is standing there only in his underwear and boots.}

Lyceus: Uh, I was in a hurry to see if everyone was alright.

Xena: Everyone's fine but the teacups I got mother from Chin aren't.

Joxer: I'm sorry Xena.

Xena: That's ok Joxer they can be replaced.

Gabrielle: What exactly happened?

Lila: Joxer was showing me how he could juggle three of them.

Gabrielle: Joxer I didn't know you knew how to juggle.

Joxer: I don't, but Jace does and it always looks so easy.

{Xena took three of the teacups that were left and began to juggle.}

Xena: You mean like this?

Joxer: Uh, yea just like that.

{Xena juggles a little longer then one by one quickly sets each cup on the counter.}

Joxer: Wow Xena! You really do have many skills. You think you could teach me how to do that?

{Joxer quickly grabs the cups off the counter and just as quickly they all slip out of his hands and fall to the floor.}

Joxer: Oops!

Xena: Joxer?

Joxer: Yes?

Xena: If you don't want me picking up pieces of you from the floor I suggest you head on home.

Joxer: At least let me clean up the mess I made.

Xena: That's ok we'll do it.

Joxer: But….

Xena: Joxer you don't want to make me mad do you?

Joxer: No.

Xena: Good answer.

Joxer: I need to get home anyway. I'll see you guys later.

{Joxer leaves through the kitchen door.}

Lyceus: I'll be back.

{Eli follows Lyceus out of the kitchen. Gabrielle gets the broom and Xena gets the dustpan from next to the pantry door. Gabrielle begins to sweep the pieces into the dustpan.}

Lila: I can do that.

Gabrielle: That's ok. I feel partly responsible.

Lila: Why is that?

Gabrielle: I encouraged him to come in here and say hello to you. The juggling bit was him trying to impress you.

Lila: Well, he didn't do a very good job of that.

Gabrielle: No, but Joxer has a good heart even if he does some stupid things.

{Gabrielle and Xena take care of the mess on the floor. After they finish Xena takes the broom from Gabrielle.}

Gabrielle: Thanks Xena.

Xena: You're welcome.

Gabrielle: I'm going to get the dirty dishes from the dining room.

{Gabrielle goes out to the dining room and Xena puts the broom and dustpan back. Lyceus and Eli walk back into the kitchen.}

Lila: I'm going to take a break. Xena would you peel some apples for me?

Xena: Sure, how many should I peel?

Lila: I need enough for five pies.

Xena: You got it.

{Xena goes down to the cellar to get the apples. Lila makes a cup of tea and sits down at the kitchen table. Lyceus walks to the pot of chicken soup and takes off the lid. He takes a spoon off the counter and stirs.}

Lyceus: The soup should be done shortly.

{Lyceus puts the cover back on the soup and sets down the spoon on the counter. Eli walks over to Lyceus and puts his hand on Lyceus's shoulder.}

Eli: I've got some heavenly business to attend to but I will be back for some of your soup.

{Lyceus turns toward Eli and they kiss goodbye.}

Lyceus: Don't be too long.

Eli: I won't.

{Eli pops out of the kitchen. Lyceus stands with a smile on his face. Xena comes back with the apples and Gabrielle comes back into the kitchen with a stack of dirty dishes she puts on the counter next to the sink.}

Xena: Where did Eli go?

Lyceus: He left to care of some business but he will be back.

Xena: You two seem to be moving a bit quickly.

Gabrielle: Xena!

Xena: What?

Lyceus: When it feels right, you don't want to wait.

Xena: Yea, well you never could wait to open your presents on Solstice either.

{Lyceus and Xena both laugh.}

Xena: I'm glad to see you happy brother and you can't get a better guy than Eli.

Lyceus: Thanks Xena.

{Xena takes out her knife to peel the apples.}

Lyceus: Here Xena try this instead.

{Lyceus opens a drawer and takes out a metal tool. He hands it to Xena.

Xena: What's this?

Lila: It's a peeler. It's a lot easier than using a knife.

{Xena begins to use it, and sends peels flying everywhere.}

Xena: I'd rather use my knife.

Lila: Suit yourself. After you get done peeling there's another gadget we have that you can try.

Xena: What does that do?

Lyceus: See for yourself.

{Lyceus goes into the cupboard and brings down a round metal item. It has a small hole in the middle and ten diagonal blades. He takes one of the apples Xena has peeled and puts it on the counter. He pushes down on the apple with the gadget. When he finishes he has 10 apple wedges and the core of the apple.}

Xena: Let me try that.

{Xena takes it from Lyceus and tries it out.}

Xena: Not bad!

Gabrielle: Where did that come from?

Lila: Salmoneus brought it by one day. He got it in Athens. It's a big time-saver.

{Xena smiles as she takes the apples she has peeled and uses the gadget on them.}

Gabrielle: I think Xena has got a new toy to play with.

Xena: I think you're right.

Lyceus: Now we only need apples for five pies so don't go overboard with your new toy.

Xena: Would I do that?

Gabrielle and Lyceus: Yes!

Xena: When you find a good toy it's hard to stop playing with it.

{Xena winks at Gabrielle.}

Lyceus: I really don't want to know about those kinds of toys!

Lila: What kind of toys?

Lyceus: Trust me Lila you don't want to know.

Lila: With those two I can only imagine.

Gabrielle: Lila!

Lila: Well, you always were the adventurous one in the family.

{Xena laughs.}

Gabrielle: Xena!

Xena: What?

Gabrielle: You're not helping.

Xena: I'm sorry.

{Xena tries to stop laughing but isn't doing a very good job.}

Lyceus: You two are so cute!

Xena: Hey! Don't call me that! You can call Gabrielle cute but not me! How would you like it if I said you and Eli were cute?

Lyceus: Eli and I are both men enough to be called cute. Aren't you woman enough?

Gabrielle: Oh she's more than woman enough and I get to call her cute whenever I want.

Lila: Xena, you let Gabrielle call you cute?

Xena: Sure, whatever Gabrielle wants Gabrielle gets!

Lyceus: So, do you think Eli and me are cute together?

Xena: I don't know. Gabrielle's the expert on those things

Gabrielle: Oh you two are just adorable!

Lyceus: Now adorable is a little much. Adorable sounds like you're talking about a kitten or something.

Gabrielle: Ok, I'll stick to cute.

Lyceus: Thanks! That's a relief!

Xena: Yea, I can't have my brother called adorable. It just wouldn't be right.

Lila: Unless maybe if Eli called him that.

Gabrielle: They say there are exceptions to every rule.

Lyceus: And they would be right.

{Lila looks a little sad.}

Gabrielle: Lila what's wrong?

Lila: When am I going to find my exception?

Gabrielle: Give it time. You'll find yours.

Lila: I hope so.

{Just then the kitchen door opens.}

Salmoneus: Greetings all!

Lyceus: Salmoneus one of these days it would be nice if you came in through the front door for a change.

Xena: That'll never happen.

Lyceus: No?

Xena: Salmoneus is a back door kind of guy.

Salmoneus: Front doors are for customers and back doors are for family.

Lila: I didn't realize you were family.

Salmoneus: Honey I'm as "family" as they come!

Lila: What does that mean?

Gabrielle: It's just an expression.

Lila: Oh, ok.

Salmoneus: Is Hercuba and Cyrene around?

Xena: No, they're taking the day off today. Can we help you?

Salmoneus: I have a business proposal for them.

Xena: I know about your business propositions and the answer is no.

Salmoneus: You haven't even heard what it is.

Xena: I don't have to if it's coming from you.

Lyceus: I'd kind of like to hear what it is.

Salmoneus: See someone in your family knows a good thing when they hear me say it.

Xena: Right and I bet you've got some land to sell on Mt Olympus too.

Salmoneus: How did you know?

Xena: Just a lucky guess.



Coning up next: Salmoneus explains it all for you.