~ The Official Guide to Rescuing and Maintaining Damsels in Distress ~
by K. Alexander

DISCLAIMER
Though the characters in this tale may physically remind you of people that you know, they are in no way affiliated with, or based upon, the characters of Xena and Gabrielle as used in Xena: Warrior Princess. It may shock you; nay, disgust you to know that I have watched barely three episodes of your favourite TV series (perhaps four years ago?) and so would not be able to draw upon those characters even if I wanted to. Not my fault, mind you, but that of the broadcasting authorities in my country. However, I am aware of certain physical similarities and therefore invite you to employ your own wild imagination to make the leap.

SEX/VIOLENCE/A WHOLE LOT OF LEISURE GOING ON WARNING
After all the wildly exciting things that happened, I�m taking a moment, and you�re taking it with me, seeing as you have no say. So let�s sit back, relax, enjoy a calm and docile episode, and think about fed-exing me money. Still no sex L I told you, didn�t I?

COMMENTS
You are most welcome to share them with me, as long as you adore me madly. No, but really. Constructive criticism will be welcomed with open arms. As will foreign coinage, a Spanish dictionary, a partridge and a pear tree. Scrap the last two. Find me at: kalexy@webmail.co.za

AND FINALLY
Deep breath.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

�I simply don�t understand how you could just let him go like that!� Helena picked irritably at a dubious-looking sandwich, her brow furrowed as she attempted to get Crispin�s attention. The knight, on the other hand, was poking a small stick into her ear with a contemplative expression. �You�ve been at that for the last three days! Stop it!�

Proceeding to not even think about stopping, Crispin twirled the little branch with intense concentration. �Do you know how difficult it is to get candle wax out of your ears?� she questioned, her voice prickly. �And I didn�t let him go � he is an adult, after all, and can make his own decisions.�

Finally accepting the bits she didn�t like as vastly overriding the bits that she did, Helena sighed and tossed the sandwich into the small fire between them, where it spluttered and hissed in outrage. �That does not mean that his decisions are always very brilliant, Crispin. If you had told him not to he wouldn�t have. That�s how he feels about you, heaven knows why.� Picking up a small stone she tossed it into the fire, trying to hit the rapidly toasting sandwich. She missed. �Oh, and by the by�� she pouted much too innocently, �getting wax out of your ears is probably not nearly as difficult as it was to save you from the Sirens.� Silence. A silence filled with big letters spelling �I won� across the night sky in very bright colours.

Studying the princess with a sidelong glance and a measure of grudging amusement Crispin pitched the small stick into the fire, where it fell neatly on top of the now useless sandwich, and pulled her knees up to wrap her arms around them. �Gloating is not an attractive trait for somebody of your standing, you know,� she remarked conversationally.

�Standing schmanding.� Helena leaned back on her hands and gazed into the sky with satisfaction. �I do not care to hear your views on rank and status, oh knight woman. I only care that, this time, I am the hero.�

�Yes, yes, and thank you for it. Again.�

�No you don�t.� Sitting bolt upright Helena raised a finger in Crispin�s direction. �Don�t thank me. You have managed to make that sound like a disease the last twenty times or so.� The knight presented a smug smile. �And don�t imagine that you�ve been given leave on the whole Eric matter either.�

Heaving a massive sigh Crispin plunged her forehead down onto her forearms. �What more is there to say, Helena?� she demanded, her voice a tad muffled. �I can understand that you would not exactly be keen on the idea of him returning to free Philip from the Sirens, but it is, after all, his choice.�

�His choice is a fine thing,� the blonde was slightly belligerent, �but why? Why would he go back?�

�Well,� Crispin lifted one hand in a bemused gesture, �according to Eric it was only the humanitarian thing to do.� Catching a glimpse of Helena�s cynical expression she nodded. �You don�t have to tell me. We were less than � charitable� when we threatened to throw Claude off the roof, or last season when we tied that messenger to a thorn tree naked, or a few years ago when we pretended to Thisby that we�d been converted to Thisbyism�� Shrugging her broad shoulders loosely she shook her head. �What it comes down to is that Eric has seen a quality in Philip that we did not.�

�Philip has no qualities!� the princess insisted sullenly.

�Nevertheless. Look, Helena, I think it�s as simple as that he likes him.�

�But what is there to like? And liking is definitely not enough to make such a major decision!�

�You must have liked me enough to come back and rescue me from the Sirens,� Crispin declared cheekily, her tongue pressed into one cheek.

Shooting an evil glance in her direction Helena glowered. �I can always take you back. They wouldn�t mind.�

�They wanted Eric right from the beginning, princess, so I might be an unwelcome guest. It�s a pity, for I think I would rather have been ravished than done �� she gave a mock shudder, �� embroidery. I shall probably have macabre visions of needles and thread in the night for the rest of my life.�

Helena sat bolt upright. �You really would have preferred that��

�Erm.� Clearing her throat a tad uncomfortably Crispin began to twiddle her thumbs. �It would have been much more entertaining than embroidery, is all I�m saying.�

�Oh.� Leaning back onto her arms again the blonde continued to study the stars. �Embroidery is not that horrible. I�ve always thought it an enjoyable pastime myself.�

Crispin cocked her head to one side. �Even more so that being ravished?� Her tone of voice portrayed incredulity, scepticism, and just a smidgeon of horror at the thought of somebody actually enjoying needlework.

�I wouldn�t know,� the princess replied dismissively.

�Oh, you have been in that tower for a long time.� Crispin glanced upwards too, more to hide her small smile than to look at the stars. She could feel Helena�s eyes on her suspiciously, though luckily the light from the flames did not reach as far as her face, and she could hide her quiet amusement in the dark. They sat companionably (which usually meant that they were not tearing each other�s hair out at that very time) for a moment, both upturned faces revelling in the profusion of stars above them, before Helena felt it necessary to continue in a different � and less precarious - vein.

�So it was just that Eric liked him, huh?�

�Well,� Crispin scratched her cheek with one hand to hide the slight grin which was apparently not ready to go anywhere, �it would almost certainly be fair to say that he really really�� really� liked him. Really.�

Shaking her head Helena lifted her shoulders. �Yeah, but I still don�t understand.�

Knitting her fingers together Crispin beamed at her over the small fire. �You have been in that tower for a very long time.�

A pleasant breeze, a warm balmy day, Toby sauntering lazily through the sparse trees behind his favourite princess.

�Crispin?�

A knight extracting a small stick from her ear guiltily. �Yes, Helena?�

�I wonder why the Sirens� singing did not enchant me as it did you?�

�Well,� an awkward clearing of throat, �didn�t ��

�I know they told Eric that they couldn�t captivate him because he was tone deaf. I am just pondering what the reason would have been for me. Seeing as I am not. Tone deaf, that is.�

A substantial silence as the knight weighs up the many, many, ways to make a mess of the situation.

�Crispin?�

�Uh. Yes?�

�Are you listening to me?�

�Um. No. No. Look, I�m poking a stick into my ear!�

�Crispin! Stop doing that! I am trying to have a conversation with you! Can you behave as if you are a civilised being for once?�

�Sorry.�

�Now what were we talking about?�

The knight considers her options, and then tries in a tentative tone. �Embroidery?�

�Oh.� The blonde frowns. �I could have sworn� Nevertheless. So which type of design is your favourite, Crispin? I prefer birds and flowers.�

A pleasant breeze, a balmy day, a long-suffering sigh.

Another temperate day, another agreeable breeze, birds singing cheerfully in the few branches overhead as Toby ambled languidly after his favourite knight, who was for once not in the saddle. Having taken off the heavy armour and the plates that covered her shins, she was taking great joy in the slight gust that tugged at her white shirt. On Toby�s back Helena was industriously braiding his mane, causing a black ear to flick every now and then.

�Crispin?�

The knight glanced over her shoulder, smirking at a placid Toby. �Yes, Helena?�

Her hands pausing for a moment, the blonde princess leaned to the side a little to catch Crispin�s eye. �What�s Thespyism?�

�Thes�� the dark woman frowned before comprehension set in. �Thisbyism?� Helena nodded. �You see, Thisby the Almost Martyr was born in the same village as I was, a few years earlier. His kin were sheep dealers, as most there were, and so the young Thisby spent his formative years up in the hills surrounding the village, tending to the family sheep. It was a lonely existence for a young boy. One day he was chasing an errant sheep on a cliff when both his and the beast�s feet slipped. He ended up hanging onto a branch for dear life, and the poor sheep fell head first into a vine extending from the cliff face and ended up hanging from a bush upside down.�

Helena chuckled merrily, a cheerful sound that Crispin found immensely pleasant. �You are making this up, Crispin!�

�Would I?� Turning around to look at the princess Crispin walked backwards with a melodramatically serious stare and placed her hand over her heart. �Me? Never!� Smiling at the light mirth this produced she turned around and continued. �It�s true. The sheep � Edmund, I think he was called � was hanging upside down from a vine with his minder alongside him in the direst of situations. Oh, by the by, I did make up the bit about his name.�

Helena snorted. �I knew that. Edmund is no name for a sheep.� Toby nickered in agreement.

�In any case, it was then that the dangling Thisby had a vision.�

�Ooh.� The princess shifted a little forward in the saddle. �Now it is getting interesting.�

�It will when you stop interrupting.� Waiting for the rude noise behind her to subside Crispin continued once again. �Thisby must have been about twelve years old at that time, by all accounts. What he saw in the sheep�s fleece, or at least said that he did, was a revelation calling him to martyrdom. Of course his family attempted to keep him in the family business for a length of time, but after six years they had to bow to his greater determination. The only problem was that all martyrs had standpoints that conflicted with those of the ruling parties, but Thisby was an extremely likeable fellow with very sensible morals, as sheepherders often are. He started off by proclaiming love and compassion to all, and though it was a lovely point of view he was shattered when people in the surrounding areas took to his proclamations with nary a thought for his vision. In retaliation he took to praising the virtue of materialism, but it came at a time when the trading price of sheep suddenly elevated beyond expectation, and so Thisby once again became the unwilling prophet of a new trend. This happened to him with mind-numbing regularity, and I think old Thisby lost his mind a little somewhere in the middle, because in desperation he started to advocate strange trends like naming yourself for fruit, and wearing your pants on your head.�

Helena burst into laughter. �Oh, you must be making this up!�

�Definitely not.� Shaking her head solemnly Crispin threw up her hands in mock exasperation. �If you want to you can ask his main � or only � prophet, Pear. But I have to warn you, he will be bare-bottomed.�

The princess let loose another peal of laughter. �And so what happened to Thisby?�

�Well, he burned his name into a wooden placard and carries it with him. When people ask whether it�s his name he says no. It�s a small measure of insurgence but unfortunately for him he�s so nice that his opinions will never be received with the shock he desires. At least in this way he is his own personal martyr.�

�That is rather sad.� Helena wiped off a tear, though one of mirth rather than grief. �And how did you and Eric pretend to convert to Thisbyism?�

The knight smirked. �I spent an entire day with my pants on my head. It was � draughty.�

The image that brought to Helena�s mind was too much, and with a hiccup she started to laugh again. Smiling, Crispin looped a hand into Toby�s bridle and led him off the road. They were not too far from a small grove covered in sweet-smelling flowers. To one side a narrow waterfall dropped into a small clear pond. Taking a careful look around Crispin stepped up to the left stirrup and grinned up at Helena. �Let�s stop here and swim. It�s beautiful!�

With a furtive glance around her the blonde raised her eyebrows. �What if someone comes upon us?�

�Nobody will.�

�But if somebody does?�

�Then I shall cut them up with my sword and bury the bits throughout the forest.�

�Grim. I like it.� The princess lifted her leg over the horse�s neck, demurely taking care not to flash anything unbecoming, and slid down into Crispin�s arms. Catching her solidly around the waist the knight set her down carefully before she began to unsaddle Toby.

�You might as well have a good time too, eh, boy?�

While Crispin stacked the saddlebags neatly against the thick trunk of a nearby tree, Helena ducked behind a shrub and undressed, hanging her dress over the shrub before she peered around the foliage. The knight had her back turned to the blonde, and with a slight giggle to herself Helena tore down to the pond and splashed into it. Turning around in amused surprise the knight grinned. �How is the water?�

�It�s cold! Come on in!� The princess drifted on her back for a moment before she turned around and swam towards the waterfall with an unexpectedly strong stroke. �Are you coming?�

�Don�t be so impatient!� Crispin slipped out of her clothing and patted Toby on the butt before she ran into the water, gritting her teeth at the sting. �It�s freezing!�

Turning on her back again Helena wiped her hair away from her face and studied the dark knight with a smirk. �That�s what I told you.�

�No, you said it was cold. There is a difference.�

�You knights are so lily-livered. Really.� With a lazy stroke Helena neared the waterfall and broke through it, disappearing from view. Struck with abrupt alarm at the realisation that, when out of sight, the princess was much more dangerous than most short attractive blonde women, Crispin powered herself through the water and past the waterfall. Beyond it, nestled neatly under an extruding rock face, lay a little cove with a semi-circular ledge just below shoulder height. Helena had her arms propped and folded on it, her face resting on her forearms as she sneaked a sly peek at the approaching knight. �Waterfall not too cold for you?�

Snorting, Crispin splashed her with water before she swam around to where she was at a right angle to the blonde, and draped her arms over the ledge. Closing her eyes for a moment she thanked whomever was responsible (she did not think it was Bibelot, patron saint of knights, considering her recent luck) for the peace and quiet. When she opened her eyes Helena was studying her inquisitively, only her large green eyes visible over her arms. The droplets on her long light lashes made for a charming picture.

�What?�

�What are you thinking? You seemed so peaceful for a moment there.�

�Well,� Crispin smoothed her hair away from her face before she mirrored Helena�s pose, �I am peaceful for a moment here. Considering that I have no rash on my stomach, that I have skin covering my entire body, that there is nobody around who knows your version of events� Yeah, I�m a happy knight.� Her crinkling eyes took any sting that there might have been out of the words. Helena�s eyes crinkled too.

�You must have been very bored without me.�

�Safe, solid, calm, peaceable � but maybe just a li-ttle bored.� Smiling at Helena�s obvious surprise Crispin shrugged. �Hey, I know when it�s the ugly truth.�

�Well, good for you.� The princess beamed. �At least I�ve improved your perception of reality.� Grinning a little at the raised eyebrow she blinked innocently.

They were quiet for a while, the undisturbed and beautiful surroundings lulling them into a state of tranquility. Crispin had closed her eyes and was just drifting off on a good daydream when the blonde�s voice disturbed her.

�Crispin?�

�Yes?�

�What will you do when you�ve taken me back?�

The knight thought about it for a time. �I don�t know, Helena.� Lifting her shoulders in a lazy shrug she tilted her head. �I�ve been thinking about travelling � not just roving around the countryside searching for quests, but actual exploration of the world. Maybe I�ll get on a boat and see those wild places where they eat you if they don�t like you. And I�ll come back and tell you all about it if they don�t have me for lunch.�

�If it depends on your likeability then I�d rather say goodbye right now.� Very pleased with herself Helena presented the spluttering knight with a smirk.

Leaning back Crispin stretched out her long arms and rolled her shoulders. �You can be very thankful that I�m resting, princess.�

�Otherwise?�

�Don�t make me threaten you.�

�There�s nothing you can threaten me with. So there.�

One dark eyebrow arched wickedly. �Helena, I could get out of the water and sit on this rock between us in all my glorious nakedness.� Patting the rock she sniggered � and almost swallowed a bucket of water � when she saw Helena�s face redden swiftly. The princess coughed a little before she cleared her throat.

�Maybe there is that one thing.�

�Yeah. Maybe.�

Closing her eyes again Crispin listened to the clear sound of the waterfall behind them. Helena took the reprieve to regroup the part of her brain that had suddenly shut down and moved to Penginbrook. Using the knight�s shut eyes to her advantage she studied the sleek black head, the long black eyelashes that lay on the bronzed cheeks, the broad shoulders that just protruded from the water.

I�m going to miss her. She made my world exciting.

In part to dislodge the unwelcome thought she glanced around. �Why is it so quiet? By all rights I should be in some odd sort of trouble by now.�

Crispin�s eyes shot open and her head lifted rapidly. �Oh no�� She looked around wildly. �You just had to tempt fate, didn�t you?�

 

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN...