DISCLAIMER
Though the characters in this tale may physically remind you of people that you know, they are in no way affiliated with, or based upon, the characters of Xena and Gabrielle as used in Xena: Warrior Princess. It may shock you; nay, disgust you to know that I have watched barely three episodes of your favourite TV series (perhaps four years ago?) and so would not be able to draw upon those characters even if I wanted to. Not my fault, mind you, but that of the broadcasting authorities in my country. However, I am aware of certain physical similarities and therefore invite you to employ your own wild imagination to make the leap.

SEX/VIOLENCE/DRAMA/VIDEOTAPE/SNEEZE PARTICLES/RAT POOH/BIG BABY WARNING
I'm being very gentle about it, I'll have you know. They all behave like trolls but they don't swear or have sex while doing so (the rhyming was an accident - I only have poetic learners) Same warning as ever: I'm not writing a Jackie Collins novel, right, so orgies and wild stuff won't be happening here. Unless you count verbal assault as wild. No sex - just stacks and stacks of subtext.

COMMENTS
You are most welcome to share them with me, as long as you adore me madly. No, but really. Please don't waste time with pettiness or snotty comments - karma will pay attention, but I won't. Constructive criticism will be welcomed with open arms. As will credit card details, DVDs, mustard, cheese puffs and Oprah Winfrey. Find me at: kalexy@webmail.co.za

AND FINALLY
I can now identify the call of the red-eyed pigeon. Be glad for me. 

CHAPTER THREE

“This is a bad bad bad idea.”

“Shush. You’re just being a big baby in armor.”

“Am not. It’s a knight’s natural instinct to run away from potentially life-threatening situations rather than towards them.”

“I thought knights were valiant and … what’s that word? Courageous.”

“They’re the same word. And knights aren’t valiant or courageous, they’re acquisitive. That means…”

“I know what that means, thank you. I read. And not all of them are like you, you know. I am very sure there’s a handsome knight out there who would have swooped in and rescued me bravely had you not decided to interfere.”

“I’ve rescued him bravely from you, I think. Besides, your selfless knight would have had a rather nice fortune from you father to console him once he realised that his princess is quite disagreeable.”

“You’re a prime example of rat droppings.”

“Thank you.”

They despised each other amicably for a few minutes. Crispin was wondering what had possessed her to capitulate to Helena’s demands and go in search of the nasty noise. The knight’s reasoning was that the sound was rather more problematic when it wasn’t there to be avoided, and she was trying at all costs to believe that this was her only reasoning. It had absolutely positively completely nothing to do with Helena’s infectious curiosity.

The terrain underfoot had been changing gradually from foliage to granite, and as they neared the edge of a clearing the scenery that unfolded in front of them had Helena gasping in awe. The road split into two sections – one led to the left into a small granite hill from which a ledge protruded near the top, and the other led back into the woods towards the right. Squarely in the middle lay a small lake, its water beautifully clear and reflecting the blue sky, surrounded by emerald green grass. With a squeal and a wiggle Helena managed to throw herself off Toby’s back and into the road.

“Oh look, Crispin! How beautiful!”

She ran towards the little lake, her capacious dress billowing behind her. Spurring Toby on, Crispin set off after Helena. “Princess…” Leaning over, she attempted to haul the errant princess back onto the saddle, but Helena dove headfirst into the lush green grass, evading her grasping fingers neatly. With a sigh Crispin pulled Toby to a halt and rested her forearms on the saddle, looking down at Helena. The princess was lying flat on her back with her arms extended at her sides, a blissful smile on her face. Suddenly she pointed to a spot behind Crispin. 

“Look! A tiger!”

Instinctively the knight ducked down in her saddle, making the young blonde woman giggle.

“In the clouds, silly.” She pointed into the sky again. With a snort Crispin sat up straight and gave the clouds a cursory glance.

“They’re just clouds, Helena.”

The young woman sat up with an incredulous expression on her face. “You called me Helena!”

“My apologies, princess. Now let’s get going, shall we?”

With a grunt Helena rolled over onto her stomach and rested her head on her hands. “You know what your problem is?”

“You?” the knight ventured carefully.

“No.” The princess shook her head categorically. “You. You’re your own problem. We’re in this beautiful area and you won’t even get off your horse to feel the grass under your feet…” eyeing the armour covering the bridge of the knight’s foot, she amended, “shoes."

“I know what grass feels like, thank you very much. What I don’t know is what exactly is sitting behind a boulder on the hill watching its lunch develop grass stains.”

As if on cue a rumble started in the hills, soft and low at first but building until it became a fully fledged roar. Sitting up rapidly, Helena rubbed at the gooseflesh on her arms and looked around anxiously, her green eyes wide. “Where is it coming from?”

“Probably from inside something big with teeth. Now will you get on this horse?”

Standing up, the princess brushed loose grass off her dress, ignoring the square hand that was extended to her. “This was a bad idea, you know.”

“It was YOURS!” The knight’s eyebrows skyrocketed into her hairline.

Shrugging noncommittally Helena took off one shoe and took a small pebble out of it. “I’m not assigning any blame, Crispin.” Tossing the pebble into the lake she slipped the dainty shoe back on her foot. “All I am saying is that a knight should probably have known better.”

“I’m… you… I’m so… YOU MADE ME DO IT!” The knight winced internally at her juvenile choice of words. This girl was definitely bringing out the worst in her. “Maybe I should just take you back.”

Helena looked up at her hopefully, resisting the princess-like urge to flutter her eyelashes. “With my crown?”

“Yes, with that damned crown of yours. You’re more aggravation than it’s worth.”

Suddenly remembering their particular situation, Crispin looked around warily – and unexpectedly catapulted off her horse straight into Helena, pulling her down flat into the grass next to the knight.

“Wha…?’

“Shush. There’s a dragon.” Crispin’s whisper was so soft that Helena could not make out the words.

“What??”

“Shush – there’s a dragon!” The knight’s voice was still soft, but her words were much clearer. As the meaning sank in Helena’s head shot up from the grass, much to Crispin’s dismay. “Where??”

The fat green-blue dragon sat at the top of the granite road leading into the hill, watching Helena with a curious expression on his face. He was reclining on his stubby little arms, which left his massive rabbit-like hind feet to stick into the air rather absurdly.

With a sigh Crispin eyed the golden head next to her that had caught the dragon’s attention.

“Well.”

Jumping to her feet lithely she lunged for the scabbard tied to the saddle and drew her sword, spinning around to face the beast in readiness. After all that frenetic activity his reaction was almost a disappointment. Eyeing the knight’s wild antics the dragon gave a small resigned sigh himself and rolled over onto his stomach, struggling to get to his feet. He rose a little awkwardly, his weight concentrated on one foot. Occasionally he gave a silly little hop to regain his apparently poor balance.

Raising one eyebrow Crispin lowered her sword and leaned on it with a puzzled expression. This was hardly appropriate behaviour. Next to her Helena scrambled to her feet, brow furrowed. “Is it attacking? What’s happening??”

Chewing on the inside of her lip, Crispin shook her head. “I don’t know what it’s doing. Being very undragony.”

“That’s not a word, Crispin.”

“It is now.” Scratching her head thoughtfully the dark woman eyed the dragon, who – deciding that by all appearances the knight was not going to skewer him yet – had sat down promptly again. Daring to let the knight out of his sight for a moment, the dragon peered down at his right foot with his squinty little red eyes in what seemed to be abject misery. Next to Crispin Helena gasped so suddenly that the knight’s arms slipped off the sword, causing the heavy metal to fall solidly on her foot. With a curse Crispin lifted the sword again and leaned on it while she rolled her ankle tenderly. “What now?”

The princess studied the dragon intently, not even glancing at the knight. “I think it’s hurt its foot.”

“Great. Then we should be able to run away quite confidently.”

“What?!” Helena spun around, her expression incredulous. “You want to run away? Again??”

Crispin nodded solemnly.

“We have to help it!” Petulantly Helena folded her arms. With a sigh Crispin studied the profile which was turned prominently towards her.

“Princess. One does not help wounded dragons. It is not the done thing. One says a short thank-you note to whichever deity takes one’s fancy and then one gets on one’s horse.”

“One can go stick one’s leg in one’s…”

Crispin listened to the suggestion quite solemnly. “Princess, apart from the fact that it’s rather rude it’s also physically fairly impossible. Unless I’m not nearly as limber as you?”

“Oh shut it, you pompous skunk.” Huffily the princess gathered her skirt and began to walk towards the granite road. Pulling on her helmet and picking up her sword swiftly Crispin hurried after Helena, stepping in front of her and blocking her way in a potentially hazardous move.

“Princess. You are going to get yourself killed.”

“You think so?” Helena turned up her nose expertly. “Do you care? You get my crown if I do.”

“Hmm.” The knight thought for a moment. “I might have to get it out of a dragon – which means I’d have to have it cleaned - but…” she pondered for another moment, “… okay, fine.” Stepping out of Helena’s way she rested her arms on her sword.

“What?” The princess stared at Crispin, her eyes blazing. “You’re going to let me walk into this and get killed for a crown? What kind of a knight are you, really?? Do you even have legitimate papers and things to be a knight? Disgusting, I tell you...”

The knight let Helena rant and rave until it looked like she could think of nothing more to say.

“Princess?”

“WHAT?”

“You’re supporting my point of view, actually. I’m just trying to let you do as you wish here.”

“Hmf.” Helena snorted and folded her arms. “Fine. If you want to be like that.” She stalked up the granite hill, unmindful of the knight who was following at a decent distance. Crispin kept an eye on the dragon, ready to defend the princess at any moment. The dragon, however, did not seem that interested in the approaching princess. His eyes alternated between the knight and his right foot. Noticing, Helena turned to the trailing knight and held up a hand.

“Crispin.” Her voice was, for once, soft and soothing. “Stop there, please. You’re making him nervous.” Unsure, the knight stood still, sword at the ready, as she watched the princess approach the dragon with cooing sounds. For his part the dragon looked rather unsure too, as he watched the human approach him with outstretched hands. When she reached for his foot he twitched nervously and sat up a little more warily, which caused the knight to drop into a fighting stance. Keeping one hand where it was, Helena waved Crispin down with the other, and as the knight unwillingly lowered her sword again, the dragon relaxed a bit. With a small sigh Helena examined the huge foot. A sharp branch had been caught under one of the scales and was obviously pushing into the dragon’s foot with every step. The small blonde woman tried to manoeuvre the branch out from under the scale, but the beast’s tough hide was not making it easy.

Putting all her energy into a final tug, Helena pulled the branch clear of the dragon’s hide with such force that she fell over backwards. Having gritted his pointy teeth and held his breath for the whole painful exercise, the dragon couldn’t help but exhale in relief. The ensuing fiery blast went right over the princess who was at that moment lying flat on her back on the ground, but its last tendrils caught the momentarily distracted knight full in the chest. 

When Helena pulled the branch clear and toppled over backwards, Crispin dropped the face guard on her helmet and began to run towards the princess, intending to pull her clear of the dragon. With her eyes on the princess she didn’t notice the resolution of the problem and the dragon’s response, so when the flames enveloped her it was a most, most unpleasant surprise. Luckily her armor took most of the force, but as is usual with metal the flames heated it up quite objectionably. Stumbling back from the haze she lost her footing, and that is how Crispin came to be rolling down the hill in blazing metal armor.

CHAPTER FOUR IS ON THE FIRST FLIGHT INBOUND ...