"You think you can take me on big boy, huh, you think you can take on Xena (hic) the mighty warrior princess. Well let me tell you something, I was cutting down boys like you, before you were old enough to pick up a sword." Xena glared formidably at her opponent, sure he was big, but size wasn't everything, she was quick, strong, fearless, attractive and besides he was an inanimate object. He was armed only with a large wooden club and she was sure she could beat him. She lunged headlong into battle??.
 
Gabrielle emerged from the tavern just in time to see Xena emerced in battle, her unfortunate opponent, a large tree. "Oh Zeus" she muttered, pocketing what little change she had left after paying off Xena's bar tab. "Oh Xena" Gabrielle called sweetly walking over to the inebriated warrior, "Xena"?? "XENA".
"How many times do I have to tell you Gabrielle, don't interrupt me when I'm fighting"
"But Xena its a tree, I don't think it poses us any threat "
"Look I wear the breastplate in this relationship, and I say this monstrosity is a threat, not only to us but to all of mankind", Xena yells lopping off a few more branches, "take that, ya no good lump of wood".
Finally, Xena ceased her battle with the tree, and took a few gulps of ale from flagon at her waist. "Xena" Gabrielle said walking up to her and reaching for the flagon "I think you've had enough". Xena backs away clutching the flagon to her chest "its my ale".
"Come on Xena, I don't want to have to drag you back to the inn again"
Xena glares at her, "Whacha mean again?"
"Don't you remember last night" Gabrielle asks.
"nup"
"Figures" Gabrielle mutters, trying unobtrusively to grab Xena's sword. Suddenly Xena stiffens, her eyes widening as she notices the forest behind them. "Oh Zeus, there's a whole army of them, quick Gabrielle go for reinforcements, I'll hold them off until you get back" with that Xena runs toward the forest waving her sword. Gabrielle sighs and heads back to the village to inform its inhabitants of the new supply of firewood.
 
??A whole forest later??
 
"Whatdaya mean she was illegally parked. I'm Xena (hic) the warrior princess and I'll park my goddam horse wherever the hell I want". Xena stood hands on hips glaring down at the royal representative parking officer who had been just a minute ago tying a yellow parking ticket to Argo's reigns. "I'm sorry your highness, but there is no warrior princess exemption clause in the province's parking laws, please pay your fine to our local office or we will be forced to impound your horse."
"Impound my ass, I'm not paying no fine." Xena muttered, her eyes boring holes into the back of the retreating parking officer.
 
"Gabrielle we're leaving". Gabrielle put down her bread (nut variety) and cheese and stared out the previously non-existent door that Xena's entrance had created. "Gab come on, we gotta go", Xena repeated tugging at the bard's arm.
"Xena I thought we were staying here tonight"
"Change of plans"
"So where are we going?"
"Haven't decided yet"
"Xena are you in some sort of trouble?", Gabrielle asked looking directly into the warrior's eyes.
"No" Xena said, emphatically shaking her head but not meeting Gabrielle's gaze. The bard grabbed Xena's chin and pulled it down so their eyes met "Did you get another parking fine?".
"yes" Xena answered angrily "but it wasn't my fault, the space was tiny, there were other horses all around me and you know how much I hate parallel parking".
"OK Xena" Gabrielle said in a resigned tone, "I'll pack, you just grab Argo and meet me out front."
 
"Xena would you please stop singing" Gabrielle looked up at the swaying warrior princess mounted on Argo. " Things are bad enough with this rain and freezing weather I really don't want to have to listen to you singing about the joys of rape and pillaging".
"Ah lighten up Gabrielle, look on the bright side, the air is fresh, the night is young and the trees have stopped attacking us."
"That tree did not attack you Xena, you rode into it"
"Whatever"
And so they continued Gabrielle the bard and Xena the slightly inebriated warrior princess.
 
"Wahoo, shelter and a nice warm place to drink". Xena cried heading towards crudely constructed black stone building.
"Xena I am beginning to think those AA meetings were a waste of time", Gabrielle muttered, following Xena towards the structure. "Hey Xena, isn't this a temple or something".
"Yep, welcome to chateau Ares."
"This is a shrine to Ares, we shouldn't be here Xena, lets go."
"Gab I'm a warrior, Ares is my patron God, besides I have a score to settle with the big, fat jerk of a God." Xena strode (unevenly) to the alter and pounded her fist in its center. "Hey Ares come out and play, you pathetic excuse for a God".
From out of the corner of the temple came a strange whirring sound, followed by a sharp click and then????????
"Hi you have reached the personal line of Ares God of War, I busy with world domination right now, but please leave your name and sacrifice after the beep"
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
It died.
The small flashing parts still screamed, as Gabrielle gently picked them up and placed them in a basket beside the alter.
"Xena why did you kill it?"
"It was a threat"
"To what"
"World peace?"
"Yeah, sure, fine whatever" Gabrielle muttered, "listen Xena why don't we try and get some sleep."
"Xena" Gabrielle looked over her shoulder just in time to see the Xena topple and fall backwards over the alter. She strode over to the unconscious warrior princess and poked her, HARD. "Xena" No reply "XENA"
"Its no use Gabrielle, believe me I have seen her like this before, she won't be awake for another 8 hours or so, and you wont be able to go near her without endangering your life for about 4 hours after that!" Ares smiled sauntering over to the corner of the room. "Now excuse me while I check my messages". Gabrielle backed slowed towards the door giving Xena an ungentle kick as she went "Xena get up, get up! XENA GET UP NOW!!
Meanwhile Ares had found the mangled remains of his beloved 'message taker thingy'. "Xeeena! Get your Warrior Princess ass over here right this second" Ares ranted. Xena muttered something incoherent thing about tree's but otherwise retained her present state of unconsciousness. Ares stormed over to the slumbering warrior and shook her roughly, not managing to wake Xena but causing her breast plate to slip, revealing??. Ares reached his hand out to lovingly cup her?? CRACK "Ouch" Ares cried rubbing the part of his head that had just been brutally clobbered by Gabrielle's staff. "Damn subtext, what is modern society coming to when a ravishingly handsome all mighty deity such as myself, can't have his way with an unconscious, leather clad, curvaceous warrior princess without having to fend off another scantily clad, irritating blonde, bard/Amazon Queen.". Ares screamed raising his flaming sword ready to give Gabrielle the smoteing of a lifetime, when suddenly he caught sight of the temple's hour glass, "damn, now I've missed the start of this weeks war. Bloody Hell looked like it was going to be a good one too." Preoccupied with guessing the likelihood of one of the other Gods taping it, Ares zapped himself back to Mount Olympus.
Gabrielle sighed and started to lay out some blankets. The floor was cold and that ever present rock had just made its self known to her, "ugh what are the chances that I would manage to lie on the only rock in the temple", she searched through her bedroll until she finally found the culprit and hurled the first sized rock out the temple door. Settling down once more she began to think???.
By the Gods I'm tired (yawn). It was so exhausting traveling from place to place all the time, sometimes I think it would be nice if I could just live in a nice warm cozy little cottage, or maybe even a farm, yep definitely a farm. I could make my living by writing cheap trashy love scrolls and reciting poetry in tavern, it would have to be on ladies night I guess. Hmmm and after a hard day reciting I'd come to a nice warm dinner already cooked for me by my husband?? Nahh who am I kidding?.. the image of a tall handsome man was replaced by one of Xena, garbed in her usual array of leather and metal and holding a steaming plate of food??Ahh that's better, maybe a little more appropriately dressed?? Xena outfit suddenly changed into a racy little French maids outfit?? (Giggle) she looked so funny in the little black and white number, good though, very good. Gabrielle sat down in one of the plump easy chairs and eyed Xena. "Aren't you going to ask me if I want dinner now?" Xena cast her eyes down demurely and apologized profusely for her slowness, kneeling she placed the plate of food in Gabrielle's lap and looked at her expectantly "Is there anything else I can do for you " she whispered. Gabrielle's body tingled as she thought over the possibilities, she had to be careful it may only be a dream but she wanted it to be prefect??????
"Gabrielle, Gabrielle"
Gabrielle looked up at Xena, she seemed impatient, well maybe she was just thinking of what was to come, better not keep her in suspense?? "first I want you to clean up after dinner (Gabrielle hated doing that and though it was about time Xena tried some of her chores) and then I want you to draw a bath and then take off your??"
"Gabrielle what in the Gods are you talking about"
Gabrielle looking up at Xena, damn she was back in her warrior leathers and they were both still in the temple of Ares.
"Damn Xena why did you wake me, I was having the best dream!"
"oh yeah, what about"
"Ahhh, never mind, what did you want again?"
"Do you have any of those berries left?"
"What Berries"
"You know, the red ones"
"Oh the Berroca berries, yeah I'll get them for you", she said as she fumbled through the pack looking for the red berries.
"Here they are" and she handed two to Xena.
"Can't I have a few more?" She moaned holding her head and looking pretty damn awful.
"Any more and they'll make you sick, you'll just have to let it wear off"
Xena didn't look to happy at that, and she sunk to the floor collapsing in a tangle of leather and weapons. Gabrielle walked over to her and took her head in her lap stroking her hair like a child. "Poor Xena" she crooned "but you know",
"don't say it, Gabby please don't say it" Xena pleaded looking into her eyes.
"Its your own fault"
"humph" Xena huffed turning on her side.
 
A few minutes later they heard a scream from just outside the temple, followed by the sharp clash of metal on metal. Xena jumped to her feet, swayed, and grabbed her sword heading towards the door. "Xena no wait, you can't, your still under the influence"
"So, whatdya think they're going to breathalyze me?"
"Well no, but it's too dangerous, your not at you best right now"
"Gabrielle, even half sloshed I can kick the ass of any man alive and you know it! Now wait here" Xena smirked and swaggered outside idly swinging her sword.
????????? five minutes later?????????????.
"Honey I'm home" Xena brushed off the blood, hung up her sword and sauntered over to where Gabrielle was waiting. She waited for a reaction from Gabrielle, but she was too distracted, she was staring at her. "Gab what's up?"
Gabrielle's voice was husky "uh Xena did you notice anything strange about that fight?"
"Actually, as a matter of fact I did, they laughed when I came out and several of them were strangely distracted during the fight, oh and one guy stared at me for a while and then said Ohh yeah, Xena baby come to papa, but you know I've gotten used to that." Xena drawled nonchalantly massaging a muscle in her shoulder. Gabrielle was still staring at her. "What Gabrielle, I got my breast plate on backwards again?" With that she looked down to see that one side of her breast plate had slipped leaving her left breast completely exposed.
"How the fuck??" Xena spluttered pushing the offending flesh back in and adjusting her breastplate.
"Um, Ares was shaking you and it kinda slipped" Gabrielle said faintly still blushing and looking furiously at the ground.
"Well why in the Gods didn't you tell me" Xena asked her voice full of exasperation
"Well last night I was so busy fending off Ares, and this morning I must have been half a sleep and didn't notice it".
"Gab, they're pretty damn noticeable!"
"I know" Gabrielle replied miserably "look I'm really sorry".
"It's OK I guess" Xena said packing up her things and heading towards the temple door, she turned as she reached the threshold "What exactly was Ares trying to do to me Gabrielle?"
"Ummm" Gabrielle was blushing again "well when your breastplate slipped he tried to ummm, well his hand was going to?.." Gabrielle stuttered looking quite embarrassed.
"Its OK Gabrielle I get the picture" Xena turned and walked out the temple. Gabrielle grabbed her stuff and ran after her. "Hey Xena your not mad at me are you?"
Xena looked back "nah not really".
"Can I ask you something then".
"Maybe" Xena's voice sounded ominous.
"How could you not notice, I mean wouldn't you feel it or something".
"Nooo I could not feeeel it" she sounded annoyed "the only way I could have know is if SOMEONE told me I was about expose myself in front of half the population of Medira (the nearby village)".
"Come on Xena don't exaggerate I truly doubt that was half the population of Medira."
"Well it was more people than I wanted to see my breasts"
"BreasT Xena it was only one of them".
"Its still going to damage my reputation, just think of it 'Xena, she can't fight without exposing herself, Warrior Princess'.
"Xena I hardly think people are going to call you that ?.. well at least not to your face."
"Gabrielle" Xena growled
"Come on look on the bright side, it could have been worse."
"How?"
"Well it could have been on national television"
Xena growled again and checked her breastplate.
 
And so they continued Gabrielle the bard and Xena the slowly sobering warrior princess
 
That's All Folks
 
Sooo, What did you think?? Its my first effort at fan fiction (and I mean ever, not just the first I posted). Well I guess its not much but darn it I tried and it was fun?.
Comments, suggestions, general corespondance all welcome at lbasch@surf.its.bond.edu.au