Announcer:

*You've seen her in battle. *

Xena: *YIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYI! *

*You've seen her soul mate.*

Xena: *Gabrielle, even in death I'll never leave you. *

*You've seen her shot with a dozen arrows then hung headless like a hunk of beef. *

Scene: *Gabrielle finds her soul mate's body hanging, and is trying hard not to hurl.*

*You've seen Gabrielle take her little pot and go smiling off into the sunset! *

Inside Gabrielle's mind: *You lying ho! You left me for another one of your Asian flings and all I got was this stupid pot and a lousy T-shirt! *

Announcer: *Poor Gabrielle. *

Audience: *Awwwwwwwwwwww!!! *

Announcer: *Now Xena's back! Rebuilt! Better than she was before! Stronger, faster, with a bigger breastplate! *

Announcer private thoughts: *Well, she did pop out another kid, ya know! *

*More pissed off then ever! And Gabrielle too! *

Scene: *Xena and Gabrielle on a hilltop: *

Xena: *Maybe we're in a new land, Gabrielle, but the 'Greater Good' needs us! *

Gabrielle: *Oh yeah? Bite me!!!! *

Announcer: *From the writers of Xena's fifth season… *

Audience: *Oh!!!!! NO!!!!!!!! *

*A land in turmoil cries out for a hero!*

*Da dant da da da! *

*But this time it's a new land.*

Announcer private thoughts: *This isn't Greece anymore, Auntie Em. *

Scene: *Both women with weapons drawn, back-to-back.*

Gabrielle: *What the hell are they?*

Xena: *They look like big Apes to me. *

Announcer: *Yes, folks. The writers from season five thought it would be great to bring Xena back again without explanation on how they did it… again. *

Audience: *Ahhhhh, nooooo! Not another 'Bold Choice!' *

*Just to bring you… Many Happy Returns to the Planet of the Apes! *

Scene: *Bard and Warrior are fighting for their lives. All of the sudden a horn sounds and all fighting stops. Xena and Gabrielle hear the apes around them muttering that the King has arrived. *

Announcer's private thoughts: *No it's not Elvis either! *

Scene: *The Apes part and their king stands before them. *

Both women: *Joxer!!?? *

Announcer: *FIN/Femmes/ and Simians! *

Scene: *One of the Apes guards approaches them *

Guard: *Bow your head! You're in the presence of the great King Attis.*

*Both women are frozen into place with their jaws on the ground as Attis approaches.*

Attis: *Uh! Ooh! Ooh! Uh! Ooh! Uh! Uh!*

*Gabrielle gulps and the king looks her over hungrily. *

Attis: *Zug, zug!*

*He goes after Gabrielle as she squeals and runs leaving Xena standing there. *

Announcer: *Adventures in the Simian Trade?*

Scene: *Xena standing alone on hilltop:*

Xena: *OH ROBBB???? Where the frig are you? I was brought back for this shitty script??? Robbbbbb! Robbbb?? I should have accepted the 'old woman' role and let that kid play Xena, damn it ROBBB! Who cares if her breast implants vibrated too much when she did the battle cry! ROB! I know you can hear me!*

Fan wakes up from bad dream drenched in sweat.

"Last damn time I stay up late eating chili dogs watching a Planet of the Apes and Xena marathons!"

Disclaimer: A few Apes were harmed in this motion picture, and once again Xena dies from the lack of brains cutting the flow of her 'boldness' ruining the show for millions.