City of Ghosts by Kamouraskan

Chapter One

Godsbedamnit, I thought as I leapt up onto the rail. This isn't a dream! This is real! GET FOCUSSED! NOW!

I wouldn't even be in this spot if I'd remembered just a bit of what she'd taught me. Been focussed. Concentrated on something else other than the anger. My grief. I'd been so caught up in my own roiling feelings that when Aphrodite gave me that little bit of a chance that it could all be fixed, I'd never considered what the crew of the ship might do when I changed our course.

This was hardly the time for recriminations, though. Not while I was balancing precariously on a slippery railing, giving my, her, best glare at the few men still standing. I was exultant to see their swarthy skin was finally sweating and their grotty clothes were torn from the mêlée, as they waited, uncertain. I knew I was winning; most of the men were ready to back off and the rest were strewn about the deck. Then, from somewhere deep inside, I heard a distant scream warning me to duck, just before I was hit by darts. I reached up, too late, to pull them out. The pain and fear were enough to nearly knock me backwards, but I fought it and managed to fall forward, crashing onto my knees. Whatever was in the darts was fast, because I couldn't feel the pain of my landing. I tried to stand up on my now wobbly knees, but they swarmed over me, laughing, and too many to handle. There was a painful blow to my face and then, oh Gods, a sword, sliding steel, tearing up into my belly from the side. Now I could feel the pain, and it was beyond screaming. But that wasn't the defeat. All of my agony was nothing compared to the shame I felt as I dropped the one thing I swore would never leave my hands. My last, dying view was of that small urn, falling from my hands, rolling away just in advance of my own blood pouring out from me across the deck. Then panting, still in my death throes?

I fell out of the cot, onto the floor, and woke up.

As the last echoes of the nightmare faded, I slowly raised myself on one arm on the cot and brushed away the long blonde strands to look about the spartan room. The only sounds, other than my rapid breathing, were the outside street noises and the metronome of the cheap nightstand clock. The only personal possessions I still had were in the unpacked suitcase by the bed; except for the stack of rice paper I'd bought for calligraphy, neatly stacked on the dresser. I shook my head, pulled myself up onto the bed, and wondered again at how I had come to this.

Some people had hopes and hopeful dreams. I had a room in a battered woman's shelter and two recurring nightmares that had haunted me all of my life. At least the pirate dream, as I thought of it, wasn't as bad as The Other. I don't think I could have handled it at this moment. No, please God, if you have any mercy left for me, not that. Not now.

At least I was fighting back in the pirate dream. And fighting back was something that the real Jennifer seldom did.

And what was my reward for my uncharacteristic bravery in the dream? A sword in the gut. I obviously didn't have a subtle subconscious. And it wasn't that clear, painful death that hurt the most each time I'd wake up. It was the overwhelming sense of having failed. I knew that feeling far too well in real life. In the dark, on nights like these, it seemed I'd failed everyone, at one time or another. My parents, my husband. My unborn child.

Dammit, the bloody tears were starting again. It had been four months and six days and it still wasn't any easier. I missed her. I missed a baby I'd never known; certainly more than I missed my husband. Just the day before yesterday, I'd taken a bus past the hospital and seen that great smokestack indicating where she would have been cremated. Two days later, I still wanted a drink or meds, just so I could stop thinking.

I wasn't stupid. It had never been a good relationship with Rick; it was just so wonderful to feel loved. What I thought was love. What I so very much wanted to be love. Until I lost the baby.

Rick couldn't handle it. And I couldn't handle the guilt. The first time he'd hit me, it was almost a relief. And it wasn't like TV. There were no apologies after the beatings. No tear-filled regrets, promises it would never happen again. It was what I expected; what I figured I deserved. After all, Rick was right. Even in my dreams I was either a victim or a screw-up. This room and I deserved each other.

Yes, I knew all that made me a cliché and that was just as depressing. I was officially able to label myself clinically depressed and still too embarrassed to let anyone know that I was a great big huge cliché of a battered housewife. If it hadn't been for Dot?

Dot. Who'd pushed me and cajoled me and finally gotten me to leave Rick. If it weren't for her, well, assuming I was still alive, I wouldn't even have this shelter. A place I could hide. Where I could try to heal.

That's what I was trying to do now. Trying. It had been a bit of a bust so far. I knew what my life had become, better than the counsellors and the well-meaning people I'd met. They'd all told me what I was feeling was characteristic of depression, yadda yadda? and they'd just gone on and on. They didn't know. If I hadn't had Dot, if Dot hadn't been there for me, I knew I would have made sure all the dreams ended permanently.

So who was Dot? I still wasn't sure. She was a bit of a flake, sure, a big zaftig blonde. First impression, you'd think she was just this whirlwind of fluff, but she was tougher than she looked. God, I wished I could be that strong. And, let's face it; she was all I had left now. I'd known what Rick was doing when he started cutting me off from everyone. That was my fault too, because I had known. But Dot, Dot just ignored him. When Rick cancelled going out for a girl's night say, because, oh, he needed me for something or there was no money or maybe I had a bruise I didn't want anyone to see, Dot would blithely bring dinner to me. And when Rick insulted Dot when she arrived, Dot clearly took pleasure in showing her contempt for him. And giving him as good as he gave.

Yes, there were some things I kept to myself. I'd never told Dot about the Other. It wasn't just cowardice. To talk of it, was to think of it. To feel it, on me, touching? I just couldn't.

I'd told Dot about the pirate dream. I'd described the whole thing, which was easy in one way, as it hadn't changed in 20 years. And of course, Dotty had to try to come up with a remedy. She always had some idea, a solution for every problem, that was her. Even if they seldom worked.

Once Dot had gotten all the details out of me, she suggested that I take self-defence courses. Her reasoning was that if I practiced the right combination of moves to get out of being killed on the imaginary boat, then the dream would stop reoccurring. It seemed to make a weird kind of sense, like most of the things Dot suggested. So I'd worked out in the community centre every Thursday night. Duck, back kick, thrust, until my arms had ached. And I thought, for a moment there in the nightmare, I'd almost ducked, hadn't I?

So what now? I couldn't go back to Rick, but I couldn't hide from him or life for much longer. Alone in the small dark room, I found myself asking, 'where do I go now?'

**********

"China."

"What?"

"Come to China with me."

We were sitting in the coffee shop across from the Shelter, and I had barely gotten a sip from my teacup when Dot had put it to me.

"China," I repeated flatly.

"Yes! It's perfect! You remember Suzie? My friend with the zillions from up north?"

I couldn't keep track of half the people Dotty habitually mentioned, but for simplicities sake, I simply nodded. It still amazed me that I had somehow earned the friendship of this crazy woman. It amazed me even more that it had only been two years since Dotty had seemingly dropped out of the sky to become my closest friend and wannabe lifestyle guru. I'd never even figured out exactly what Dot did for a living. She called herself at various times a freelancer, a buyer or an organiser, but I was never quite sure if those were jobs or simply her way of life.

Dot was saying, "Well, you know Suzie, well, not like I know Suzie?"

"Oh, oh, oh, what a girl?"

"Exactly." Caught out in mid flow, Dot looked across the table sharply. "What?"

Though Dot was the only person that I felt enough confidence in to needle, I hid a grin while waving my teaspoon in encouragement. "Go on, Dot."

"Hmmm. Oh yes, well she and I were going on this trip to China, right? Everything's all paid up and she just called out of the blue to tell me about this welding accident."

I nearly choked. "A welding accident? One of YOUR friends? Was welding?"

"Of course not, Honey. She doesn't WORK for a living. A welder FELL on her. Well, not on her, on her car. Anyway she took him in a cab to the nearest clinic, and while waiting for her family to send another?"

"Another welder?"

"NO! Oh, stop that." Dot flicked her fingers in annoyance at me.

"Just pretending to be a part of the conversation." I didn't hide my grin this time.

"ANY-ways, She happened to see this new plastic clinic was opening up with the most charming surgeon, and before she left, she'd signed up for a completely new butt. She swears it was only when she got home that she realised that the dates were conflicting and she just knows I'll find someone to take her tickets."

"Well, there's your problem. I don't have the money!"

"You're not listening. Everything's already paid for, Suzie's family have an ORCHARD of money trees and she's written the whole thing off. If you want to pay your share, AND so I know you're committed, all you need to pay is the cost of having the tickets put in your name. I already checked and that's about £180, which I know you have."

Yes, Dot knew exactly how much I had because it'd been at her insistence that we'd cleared out my bank account after I'd left home.

"I need time to think," I managed.

"I'd love to give you the time, love, but China isn't like going to Brighton. You have to have a special visa to enter the bloody country, and they take a few weeks. We leave in three!"

Dot took another sip of her tea before continuing, her enthusiasm, as usual, unquenched. "Think of it! China! It's perfect. You need a change and China certainly would be it. Meals are included, so it'll actually cost you less to go, than stay here and grocery shop. AND, Rick is hardly about to walk in on you in a restaurant in China, so you won't have that twitch looking at the door all the time."

I may have mumbled a denial into my tea, but she was still too busy listing reasons to hear.

"When are you going to ever have a chance like this? The trip of a lifetime for almost nothing!"

She was right, it WAS perfect. Why was I even hesitating? How many people did I know that had been to China? Just for once, for a change people might be envying me.

I gave a sigh and said, "Where would we go?"

Dot made a victorious movement with her hand and grinned. "Well. Everywhere! I have something I need to do first, but after that, we go to Shanghai, Beijing, the Great Wall, Xi'an, Terracotta warriors, a trip down the Yangtze, everything!"

Some gnawing instinct told me that Dot was sidestepping something. "What have you got to do first?"

Dot began examining her salad just a bit too carefully. "Well, it's just I didn't want to, you know, freak you out a bit. But there's this place, it's not too hard to get to, but?"

I had to stop her before she meandered any further. "Spill."

"Well, it's a sort of shrine. Tao and Buddhist. One of the few places that you have this combination, very special."

I was still waiting. "Uh huh."

"Well, it's the name. It's a bit odd. It's really just a tourist trap and the name doesn't mean anything."

"Yeeessss??"

"It's called? the City of Ghosts."

There was a pause while Dot tried her best to look ingenuous. I cleared my throat and asked, "Is it just my imagination or did a cloud just come over this conversation?"

Dotty just ignored that and worked on me for the rest of the meal, eventually overwhelming my misgivings. Before I could change my mind, she had me fill in the visa application. Which she just happened to have. Then it was on to the mall, where we found a photo booth to take the picture for it. Before dropping me off at the shelter, Dot gave me the itinerary and I rushed upstairs to pore over it. Yes, the trip was everything that Dot had promised, but it started off with what looked like several connections just to get to this City of Ghosts first. I went down to the common room where there was an internet connection and did a quick google.

A search for City of Ghosts brought up a film with Matt Dillon, but nothing to do with China. Then I tried City of Ghosts China. And there it was.

The town of Fengdu, once said to be the abode of devils, is also known as the City of Ghosts.

Situated on the northern bank of the Yangtze River between Zhongxian and Fuling, the city was depicted as the 'City of Ghosts' in two ancient, classic Chinese works - "Monkey King" and "Strange Stories from a Chinese Studio". The origin of the town's extraordinary reputation can be traced back to the Han Dynasty (206 B.C. - 220 A.D.) when two officials, Yin and Wang, became Taoist recluses here and eventually Immortals. Later in the Tang Dynasty, their names were combined to mean "King of the Underworld".

Thereafter, Mt. Mingshan gained its reputation as the 'City of Ghosts' where the King of Ghosts resided, where he would judge the dead.

Today, the town throngs with many tourists who come to visit temples and shrines dedicated to the gods of the underworld. Landmarks bear horrific names - and contain the three tests for ghosts who wanted to enter the nether world.

There were other sites, but with no more information except a couple of photos of tourists wandering about the site. Nothing that should create this sense of dread, or add to the worry I was beginning to have. So like a lot of things in my life just then, I pushed it down and ignored it.

Until that night.

It felt like I had just fallen asleep for a minute when I was being awakened. At first, I kept my eyes closed, even as my body cringed, assuming that this was another visit from the Other. Instead, when I opened my eyes, I found myself lying on the ground, somehow clad in a light coloured kimono, in the dark, in some great hall. Towering over me in the gloom were four giant figures in ornate and multi-coloured robes. Each carried a scroll of some form, which was furled in their massive hands.

The tallest one spoke in a voice like muffled thunder. "THIS IS A WARNING TO YOU, NOTHING MORE. BE GRATEFUL THAT WE HAVE DISCOVERED YOUR PLAN AND ARE GRACIOUS ENOUGH TO GIVE YOU THIS CHANCE TO TURN BACK."

My mouth hung open in shock and I looked about me for some explanation. "What have I, what am I supposed to have done?"

"YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO CHALLENGE THE WILL OF THE GODS, AND WILL BE FOUND GUILTY IF YOU SHOULD CONTINUE THIS BLASPHEMY," he answered.

"I don't, I wouldn't?"

"SILENCE! YOU WILL BE TAKEN FROM THIS PLACE AND SHOWN WHAT YOUR SENTENCE FOR ETERNITY CAN BE. THEN GIVEN THE TIME TO THINK OVER YOUR EVIL AND FOOLISH PLANS."

I was seized from behind and lifted by what appeared to be two massive sumu wrestlers, but like one of the judges, their skin was entirely blue. Their faces were painted with grotesque frowns and their costumes would have seemed ludicrous if not for my terror.

Without a word, they hauled me, screaming at the top of my lungs, through corridor after corridor as I squirmed helplessly in their grasp. Finally we arrived at a door where my shrieks were drowned out by even louder screams from the other side. "Please wake up, Please wake up," I pleaded with myself. The doors were pushed open and I found myself looking at a scene direct from hell. Amid a stifling heat, tortures, the most inconceivable torments were occurring all around me, suffering that shook me to my soul. "How can I be dreaming this? What part of my mind would ever, could ever, imagine this?"

Kicking uselessly in their grip, I was carried past a man being forced, head first, into a vat of boiling oil. They flipped me over and raised me up by my feet. My kimono dropped and the heated air struck my bare legs and bottom. Holding my feet high above the ground, the two creatures pulled apart my legs. With greater and mounting disbelief, I could see two more men approaching with a large bow-shaped crosscut saw. They lifted it to rest the blade of the saw almost gently between my legs. In my hysteria, I almost giggled that my asscheeks were being used as the saw guide. It was all too real. I could feel the tangs of the saw just touching my pubis and the muscles on the men began to tense for the first stroke. I screamed and?

Woke up.

******

"I don't care about the money, I don't care about anything other than something is very wrong with all this and I am not going."

Once again we were in the coffee shop, and once again, Dot was being her most reasonable. "Sweetie. It was just a dream. You know how nervous you are and that was just your fear trying to stop you from taking a chance. And," as a thought struck her, "the whole thing about the bum was probably from hearing about Suzie's op! Right? It's your mind playing up your irrational fears. All the more reason you need to do this. You know you really want to go. I swear to you, when this is over, you'll be so grateful that you went! Honestly, I wouldn't lie about this. When we get back, I'll bet you, you'll be a stronger person, with new skills and confidence. You'll see I was right. I swear, I promise you."

As Dot seemed to be making some sort of sense, and largely just overwhelmed again, soon I was making out the cheques for the ticket transfers. Once again ignoring the qualms, I began to plan for our great adventure.

"I can't believe we're doing this! Finally!" Dotty's enthusiasm for the trip had seemed to grow greater each day and once we were in the line-up at Heathrow security, it seemed to be radiating off of her. I, on the other hand, had more and more misgivings whether this was a good idea or not. My nightmares had been absent for several days. Not even a visit from the Other, thank God, I thought, but my doubts meant that Dotty seemed to have to pull and even drag me along, right up to the passport check.

Getting to China was not as hard as it had been during Marco Polo's day, but it was still fairly exhausting. I had never travelled first class before, but on an eleven hour flight, even that paled soon enough, despite Dotty trying to make the entire trip into some sort of faux sleepover party.

We finally landed in Beijing, and before I could even appreciate the thrill of being in China, Dot had us racing to catch a second flight on a much less luxurious plane. More check-ins, more views of brand new buildings built in time for the Olympics, and nothing of old architecture or the ancient China I'd hoped to see. That wasn't the end of the transfers either. Once we landed, got our luggage once more, we were immediately in a cab from the airport, speeding along even more bright new highways, to make the cruise ship.

As I stumbled onto the ship, still being pulled along by the inexhaustible Dot, I looked at my watch finally demanded, "Eight hours in China, and so far all I've seen is roads and airports! When does this fabulous journey of a lifetime begin?" Dot shushed me and reminded me that once we'd been to Fengdu, we were free to see everything I'd been promised. "Two days and you'll be on the Great Wall of China. What's a couple of days?"

Put that way, I did feel a bit mean-spirited, and once we were given our keys, I collapsed in the cabin suite, grateful for the comfort. Grateful as well, that there were no dreams that night.

The next day was so sunny that I began to feel foolish about those forebodings. The City of Fengdu would be my first chance to explore ancient Chinese culture and the weather was perfect for wandering. As we waited with the rest of the passengers to disembark, we could see high above us, a massive white stone face carved into the rock. "The largest stone face in the world, it represents the Ghost King," Dot quoted from her now-omnipresent guidebook.

As soon as we stepped off the gangplank, vendors came running from their stalls, immediately surrounding all of the tourists. "Hello! Hat?" "Hello!" "Hello, Map?" Each clutched some sample of their wares, a Little Red Book, kites, or a map of China. Others carried sun hats that they thrust in our faces, often blocking our way. Eventually we managed to pay our entrance fee and get through the turnstiles leaving them behind. "Quite the gauntlet, wasn't it?" I commented. Dotty gave me an odd look.

"What?" I asked.

"Oh, nothing. Just thinking about someone else."

I would have pressed her on that but all conversation stopped when I turned the corner and saw the transportation that awaited us. "Now, sweetie?" began Dot.

I didn't want to hear it. "The guide book said it was a gondola. I was almost ready for that, but this?"

In front of us, an ancient red chairlift cranked and groaned its way up the mountain.

"Look, love. I know you have a bit of a fear of heights, but you must have been skiing."

A bit of a fear of heights? "When did you ever see me ski? I'm British!"

"Brits ski. You have teams in the Olympics." Dot tried tugging me but I was doing my impression of a pillar.

"Yes, and we probably get beaten by Grenada."

"Look. You read that there are these little tests. Well, here's one you can pass because I am NOT going to get all sweaty walking up some massive hill in the hot sun just because you can't use a perfectly safe, ummm, time-tested, transport."

I hesitated.

In a softer tone, Dotty added, "Don't worry. I'll make sure you get up without any problems. Just hold onto me and look to the side. We'll be fine."

Clutching my friend, but still trembling slightly, I stood in the required spot and was scooped up by the chair. I began to breathe a bit more evenly once the safety bar was secured and our feet were resting on it but nearly lost everything when my eyes strayed downward.

"Oh God, Oh God?"

"Look at the wonderful topiary," Dotty said calmingly, as I forced my eyes to look only at the landscaped hillside passing by.

I nodded convulsively. "Yes, it is nice and look at all the bamboo."

The chair lurched and swayed and I could feel that we were now well out over the cliffside. "Lovely bamboo. Lovely bamboo," I muttered as a mantra.

What seemed like years later, we reached the top. Long past where the signs indicated we should lift up the safety bar, I allowed Dotty to raise it. As I staggered off, I glared at my friend and gasped, "When we leave, I am walking back down."

"Okay. Down is okay," she agreed easily.

Now that we were there, I was a bit disappointed that the aging temples were hard to see through the mobs of even more vendors who blocked us and besieged the newcomers. Beyond them, there were throngs of tourists. Like flocks of pigeons, their babble filled the space, as they swirled about in various groups from one corner of the site to the next.

Dotty quickly led us through the crowds and the maze of buildings and I hardly had time to admire the gorgeously decorated roofs when we were inside an ancient courtyard where three stone bridges crossed over a small pond.

"Now, you read about the tests? This is the fun part. This is the first one."

"I thought the chairlift was the first test?" I grumbled.

"Shhh. We have to find a tour guide who will explain in English what you, what we, have to do."

We sidled up to a group of Americans who were listening raptly to their local government tourist guide. "This is first of tests."

"I still say it was the chairlift," I whispered. Dotty shushed me.

The guide continued in lightly accented English. "This is River of Blood, and to cross you must choose Bridge of No Way Out. Ghost who stride across in three steps, considered virtuous man. Or woman, of course." He paused as the group obligingly chuckled. "Those who cannot, considered villains. They drop down into river below, and forever more be deprived choosing new life."

"Ladies start with right foot, gentlemen with left, and you cross with three steps only to be judged. You ready?"

Dot and I dropped behind and waited until the entire group had crossed and been congratulated by their guide.

We traversed according to the instructions, and though my short legs were hard pressed to cross in only three steps, I managed it. On the other side, I shrugged and asked, "That was a test?"

"Told you!" Dot said, laughing.

We caught up to the tour group at the Celestial Being Road, or the Stairway to Heaven as the guide laughingly referred to it. They were to climb each of the 33 steps without taking a breath, and neither the tour group or I and Dotty found it too difficult. Once up at the top, we walked through a long, open-air avenue, guarded on each side by dozens of hideous, carved statues. We stopped in front of another sumptuous gate, with the scent of incense drifting from its entrance. At the base, there was a small square of blocks enclosing a well-worn stone.

The tour guide intoned, "This is last test of netherworld. You must stand on stone, balancing one leg with chest out, and stare at words on wall. They mean God's Eyes Like Lightning, and if you fail to maintain balance and do not stand properly at attention, it means you have pleaded guilt. But you succeed, you are good person with good deeds."

I turned to Dotty, shaking my head. "You dragged us all this way. 5,000 miles, two plane trips, cars, boats and trains, for this?"

"It's just a metaphor, and you wouldn't believe what I've been through to get you, to get this far."

At her strange phrasing, I gave my friend a glance, but Dot buried her face in the guidebook until I looked away.

We both practiced a bit, and I found that thanks to my martial arts training, I could balance without any difficulty.

The last test completed, we moved away from the crowd and congratulated each other. "So welcome to heaven," I said with a grin.

"D'you think heaven has better market stalls?" Dot said, pointing to another series of shops.

"I think I'm ready for a heavenly reward about now!"

Once again, there was that attempt at ingenuousness by Dot. "Why not. We need to kill a little time."

I ventured, "Kill a little time until??"

Dot shrugged and looked anywhere but at me. All of the minor suspicions, all the odd comments and behaviour, began to coalesce in my mind.

"What's really going on here?" I asked, quietly.

Dot continued to avoid looking at me. "What have I ever done to deserve such a suspicious friend?"

"Well," I began hesitantly. "I'm beginning to think?I know it's crazy but, did you basically lured me to China? To here? To one of the oddest places on the planet, for reasons you won't tell me?"

"Maybe." Dot admitted. "But, I'd trust you if you'd done that to me!" she proclaimed self-righteously.

"But I wouldn't ever do that to you!" I defended.

"Exactly! That's the reason we're here."

"What?"

But no matter what I did, Dotty refused to say any more, and for the next few hours, we both sulked about under the hot sun, drinking from our bottles of mineral water, looking through the various temples and poking at the trinkets in the stalls.

Until we entered the temple labelled The Emperor Hall.

There was no forewarning. It was just another temple as far as I was concerned. I entered as the guides had instructed, right foot over the threshold, and there they were. Directly in front of me. Swathed in the incense of the darkened Hall, four brightly coloured figures identified as The Four Great Judges, and they were all too familiar to me. As I backed away, eyes widening, I became aware of two even more frightening statues behind me. Blue, with painted, contorted mouths. I froze, my heart pounding, before grabbing Dot's arm.

"Those are the guys," I managed to whisper.

"Hmmm?" said Dot, distracted for once from her guidebook. She was even more distracted when I dragged her outside and stared at her with what I'm sure were terrified eyes.

"Look, Dotty. I have never been here before. I never saw any pictures online about these guys, SUZIE'S ASS sure as hell never mentioned them, but those are the guys in my dream who?"

"Shhh." Dot shushed me. "You're attracting attention?"

I felt the urge to strangle my best friend. "DOT! I'll attract even more attention if those guys grab me and start sawing my?bum, in half. Now what is going ON?"

Once again, there was that pathetic attempt at ingenuousness. "Nothing! I mean, why would I know anything?"

"Dot?"

"I can see you're upset, but what's the worry? Technically, you're in heaven. You passed all the tests."

"What am I really doing here? Tell me. Please. Tell me." I was hyperventilating now. "Those guys, well, in my dream they said I was doing something against the will of the gods. Now I don't think that they were referring to running up a flight of stairs holding my breath."

Dot didn't seem fazed by the atypical sarcasm coming from me. "Well, I have to admit, there is something I was planning to bring up, eventually? but I didn't want to ruin the? surprise."

"SURPRISE?" Dot made more shushing noises. Now barely under control, I began enunciating each word very carefully. "I think. That I'm not thrilled. With the surprise element." I closed my eyes for a moment before beginning again. "Tell me what is going on. Please!"

Dotty looked at her watch and then gestured for me to follow her. She led me out of the Hall and off the path into the wooded hillside. Despite my mounting frustration, I followed.

Once we were in the brush, shielded from the buildings, Dot began. "Now, I know this is all very strange, but I swear that everything is fine. Right on schedule," she added brightly. At my disbelieving eyes, she made another of those calming gestures with her hands that made me want to grab them tightly. "Now, everything is going to be very clear to you in just a little while. I promised you this trip would make all sorts of positive changes in you but first you have to give me a minute. Here." She handed me a bottle of water and urged me, "have a drink and calm down while I figure out what to say." Sceptically, I gripped the water bottle and took a long swallow. I was about to take another when Dotty suddenly pulled the bottle away from me. "Why are you taking it back now?" I demanded, angrily.

"You don't need anymore. I calculated exactly the dose according to your body weight."

"Calculated what?" Suddenly it seemed very hard to swallow and I felt faint.

She stared at me as if I had once again missed a very important point. "Well, exactly how much it would take to kill you."

I slumped slowly to the ground, a buzzing sound pulsing in my ears. This isn't a dream, I told myself. This is real.

"Dotty? But?why?" I managed before collapsing completely. The last thing I heard before dying was my best, my only friend in the world, calmly saying, "Because it's for your own good."

Chapter Two

I was myself. Something more, but somehow something less. There was a loud roaring in my ears and I tensed, knowing, fearing, that in a moment I would once again be in the Hall of the Emperor, before the Four Judges. The roar grew louder, then thunderous, then deafening and then?

I was standing in front of an all too ordinary looking reception desk. Absolutely normal and ordinary except for the massive horned gargoyle that was sitting behind it. The gargoyle looked up from her, his, its, typing and growled at me, "Nammmmme?"

I blinked. Put my hand to my forehead and rubbed it hard. The gargoyle was still there when I took my hand away. And still waiting for an answer. I swallowed and managed, "I'm sorry?"

The beast-thing growled again, and turned about on the swivel chair to face me. "I'm asssssuming you had an appointmmmment?"

Now even more taken aback at these standard receptionist responses coming from a snarling beast, I stuttered, "I, I don't know. I just, well, I think I just was killed and?"

"You wouldn't be here if you didn't have ssssome sssssort of appointmmmment." The entity grumbled and picked up a clipboard. "Nammmme of lasssst incarnnnnation?"

Last incarnation? "Ummm, Jennifer Hampton?"

"Yessss, here you are. You're to ssssee the Goddessssss in a few mommmmentssss. If you would pleasssse, wait in here??"

I was directed to a small waiting room where several other quite ordinary people sat quietly, none even looking up at me. Most of them were reading magazines, and there was a small stack of periodicals on the Formica table in the centre of the room. Shaking my head in astonishment, I carefully took a seat in one of the plastic chairs, touching it several times before using it, to see if it was real. Wafting from a hidden speaker, I heard a Muzak playing, and realised that it was The Girl from Ipanema.

After a few moments of unsuccessfully trying to catch the eye of any the others waiting with me, I gave up. I was reaching for one of the magazines, wondering what the heck heaven might keep in stock, when the gargoyle's voice interrupted the Muzak.

"Jenniffffer Hammmmmptonnnn?"

"Ummm, yes?" There was only one door out of the waiting room, so I ventured back to the desk.

"The Goddessss will ssssee you now," the gargoyle rumbled and raised a gnarled arm to point to what also looked like an ordinary office door. "Jussst go through therrrre."

Feeling more and more like Alice in Wonderland, I walked cautiously to the indicated door and stepped inside. Once through the doorway, I found myself in a massive, darkened barn of a building, possibly a really old church. There were huge beams across the ceilings and what something told me were Renaissance era paintings and sculpture in every alcove. What was even odder, if odd was still something I could register, was that it all seemed somehow familiar.

There were several hundred people in the church, many in a variety of costumes, but I knew I was meant to see the sumptuously red-robed woman clearly waiting for me at the rear. Tentatively, I approached her. The veil that cascaded down from the jewelled headband was parted to reveal a Chinese woman of unknown age, who asked me in perfect English. "This is rather nice, did you come here often at one time?"

I thought for a moment. "I'm not sure. I think?" and I moved to stand in the centre aisle to see the painting dominating the altar, perfectly framed from my perspective, within the wooden choir screen. "That's Titian, ummm?. The Ascension. Then this is the Friari. In Venice!"

"Quite lovely."

"Yes, I used to come here from Milan when I was doing my novitiate." I blinked, as memories like bubbles, popped open in my mind. "When my name was Maria?"

I had never been a believer in reincarnation. It didn't matter now. I couldn't deny my own memories. It wasn't as if my past lives were clear, more like when you try to remember some childhood memory. Like those early recollections, the ones that had somehow been added, were fogged and splintered, but they were there. A cavalcade of pasts that I knew were all my lives up to this point.

The Goddess was still admiring the painting. "Your friend said you had good taste. This is quite lovely."

Finding myself strangely calm despite the continuing series of shocks, I replied, "Thank you. May I ask, are all these people here to see you? For the same reason?"

Her kimono shook ever so lightly with her gentle shrug. "Some are waiting to see me in my role as advocate. But they aren't truly here. Anymore than you are here. This place is simply somewhere that your mind chose as being appropriate."

A young man joined us and was staring raptly towards the altar, as words seemed to slip through his lips. "Wonderful," he whispered, "This IS heaven."

Feeling the emotions of that long dead nun, I could only agree with him as we both stared forward in admiration. The young man continued by saying, "I mean, unlimited Happy Meals and like, all the Coke I can drink! It's so cool!"

The Goddess pulled me away, commenting dryly, "As you can see, I do appreciate your good taste in bringing us here, but good taste is not a requirement to meet with me."

I was feeling a bit claustrophobic in the crowds, and as I thought that, suddenly, the Friari vanished. We were high on a frosted hillside looking down towards a snow-covered landscape, broken only by sinuous lakes miles away on either side of us. "The Kirkstone Pass," I answered the unspoken question. "I don't know how? I think I wanted us to be somewhere less busy." As I pointed towards the lakes, snowflakes drifted across my arms. "That's Ullswater and over on the other side is Windemere. My parents used to bring us up here."

The Goddess pulled her veils closer to herself as the wind cut through them. "Charming, but a trifle chilly. Do you think??"

"Oh, of course." And still not knowing quite how, something in my mind clicked and selected, and my companion and I were immediately in the same spot, but in the midst of a glorious summer day.

The Goddess took to admiring the greenery, while I tried to think through my many questions. "So what am I supposed to start with? What do you ask a Goddess? I mean 'why am I here' seems a bit abrupt, even rude. Maybe some casual conversation. I could try asking if She's seeing anyone lately?"

She turned back to smile at me. The Spirit Eating Ghost and I occasionally have a meal together but there's no one serious at the moment."

I laughed. "Did I say that out loud? I was just? it's what I would ask a friend and it?"

The Goddess was still smiling, I was glad to see. "You have no unspoken thoughts separate from your being, dear child."

"Why do I feel so calm, considering??"

The Goddess said, "Because you are yourself, nothing more and nothing less. You are the whole of yourself and the origin of yourself, with few of the earthly weights of specific identity or trauma to weigh you down."

"The Scientologists would be so happy for me."

Her gentle face changed swiftly. "Now that, is exactly the sort of thing you should not say when you are presented to the judges." She saw my eyes grow wide, and she gently took my hand. "The dream you had was a warning, but this stage does not challenge them or any God. You are here only to correct an event which was the fault of man, though its correction will help us in the final phase."

I was brimming with questions, starting with how many stages, but instead I seized upon the one comforting word. "We?"

Again there was that wise smile. "Yes, I have agreed to act as your advocate, should you choose to go forward."

The Goddess looked above to something I could not see and motioned for me to come closer. "But there is not much time if you wish to return to your body before it actually expires."

"You mean, I'm not? I'm not really dead?" I asked.

"I suppose it depends on what you mean by really dead. But no. Whatever gave you that impression, Young One?"

I tried to reply but the Goddess shook her head and said, "Perhaps we can discuss this further if you are able to continue with your quest. But for now?"

"Quest?"

"Yes, my dear. I thought you understood. You are not the being you were supposed to be and we are going to try to help you. So the first thing, is to get a bit of the stain that you've carried, removed."

"Stain?" Was my Goddess actually a Chinese soul laundry?

The Goddess ignored me to look pointedly towards my feet, and I followed her eyes to see a large hole of? nothing, beneath me. Like Wile E. Coyote, I hung there for a moment, with eyes about to pop out of my head, before beginning a sharp descent. As I hurtled downward, I heard far above me, the Goddess say, "Oh, and good luck!"

In my own mind, what I was thinking certainly rhymed with 'luck'.

The fall ended abruptly as I fell into my own body like it was a suit of clothes. My confusion became fusion, and then I was leaping onto the railing of a deteriorating ancient ship. I was balancing precariously on a slippery railing, giving my, her, best glare at the few men still standing. I was exultant to see their swarthy skin was finally sweating and their grotty clothes were torn from the mêlée, as they waited, uncertain. I knew I was winning; most of the men were ready to back off and the rest were strewn about the deck. Then, from somewhere deep inside, I heard a distant scream warning me to duck and I did, feeling the air part as two darts flew past and fell harmlessly into the sea.

The three months of training for this moment were completely ignored, or more like, overridden, as I used the railing as a springboard to leap behind the man with the sword and yank his weapon away with my sais. A high kick and he joined the crew on the deck. The dart thrower fell a second later as I reached up to catch the returning chakrum. I turned to face the remainder of the crew who were withdrawing, defeat and fear the only emotion showing.

"Are you guys crazy?" I asked rhetorically, keeping my breathing under control. "We're going to Chin. Afterwards, we'll head to Egypt as originally planned and you guys will make a fortune on the goods we pick up. But if I see one of you dogs, even LOOKING at me the wrong way, he's overboard. If I have to pilot this ship myself. Is that finally understood"? I checked to see if the urn was still safe. I felt it nestling, still secured, and then the bottom fell out again and I was falling, falling?

And I was lying in the grass on the hillside of the City of Ghosts. Dot was forcing some fluid down my throat and I pushed it away, coughing and choking.

"So?" Dot demanded impatiently.

I looked about. Blinked and looked about again. There was a rush of, I don't know, adrenaline, confidence, things I was completely unfamiliar with. Despite having just been dead, I shot up and whirled about. "Holy bloody COW!" Turning to Dot, I punched the air twice. "I kicked ass! I mean, I literally kicked ass. After all these years, I bashed?" I suddenly remembered exactly how I'd gotten into this mess in the first place and glared at Dot. "You killed me!"

Dot was completely unrepentant. "Took me long enough, too. I mean, you wouldn't BELIEVE how long, and as I said, it was for your own good."

"My own good???" My voice was definitely louder now. "You're not supposed to kill your friends! That's GOT to be a rule?"

Dot smiled. A pleased and smug smile that I thought just a bit out of place. "Look at you," she said. "Just a little bit feistier, maybe? Hmmm? How do you feel?"

I paused and considered. Yes, I felt stronger, more confident, I felt? "I do! I feel like I could, in fact, I think I?" I stopped dead. There were more memories, but these were from another life, but not a past life, my own. Things had changed. I saw myself, and Rick. And he was yelling and hitting and I, I hit back. I'd never hit back. And I'd done more when he came at me the second time. With fear and a bit of wonder, I whispered, "Oh, my God. I think I killed Rick."

Dot was completely satisfied with the news and replied, "That's right! I think you did!"

"How can you??" I fell to my knees, back to the ground, trying to sort out all the information loading into my overworked brain. "The past, it's changed somehow. Instead of running away, when Rick was beating on me, I fought back, and he?fell." I looked up at Dot with frightened eyes. "He's dead! And I killed him!"

Dot contentedly patted the grass about her. "Well, I did tell you this trip would make you more self-confident."

More pictures streamed into my mind. "I forged our documents! We're here on false visas I made!"

Clearly this was all wonderful news, because Dot clapped her hands in delight. "See, new skills too!"

I was getting royally pissed off. I glared at my friend. "My new ?feistiness, is telling me to strangle you."

Dot just batted away my anger with one hand. "It's not like any of this is permanent. This is all temporary. We're not finished."

I laughed but there was no humour in it. "I'm finished. For some reason I'm not as impressed as you are with how well this is all working out so far." The new images seemed to have stopped but there was definitely something that didn't make sense. "If I killed him," I said, thinking out loud, "why did I come to China afterwards? I should have stayed. Gone to trial and pleaded self-defence! Instead, in this new timeline, I ran away, making things ten times worse!"

Dot's enthusiasm didn't wane, but seemed to grow for some reason. "You know, you're right. It doesn't make any sense. Why would you run? Why would we come here, when you should have surrendered to the police to plead self-defence?"

By George, she's got it. "Yes, tell me why," I challenged.

Dot's smile grew. "If we hadn't come here, you wouldn't have resolved the dream. If you hadn't come here, you wouldn't have killed Rick. But once you killed Rick, you shouldn't have come here. This is wonderful!"

A line from one of my favourite books jumped to my lips with a bit of paraphrasing. "Clearly this is a new definition of wonderful I wasn't previously aware of."

"Don't you get it? There's another paradox in time. That's just what we wanted!"

"We did?"

Dot rose from the grass and gestured to me to stand as well. "Yes! You see, now, when we challenge the will of the Gods?"

I nearly choked. I grabbed her arm tightly and stopped her right there. "But we don't want to do that. *I* really don't want to do that. You know what happens if we do that."

Ignoring my panic, Dot sauntered downwards to the path leading back to the ship. "You don't get it. It's a paradox and that can't be allowed to exist. Our friend upstairs and I were hoping to create just one and by fluke, we have two! Now, instead of being impartial or even unhelpful, the Powers have to help us to resolve them. This temporary timeline makes no sense so they'll be forced to be on our side to fix things."

I stumbled to catch up with her. "What if they decide having my ass sawn in half fixes things?"

"Sweetie," Dot said in a tone I was thinking might lead to her death at my hands very soon, "Everyone knows that ass sawing never solved anything."

Apparently oblivious to the clenching of my fists, she added, " The good news is that I can finally answer your questions. But, I have to warn you, what I have to say might require a bit of? suspension of disbelief. You might find it complicated."

I shook my head. "No."

Dot stopped abruptly. "What do you mean, no?"

I came about to face her. "I mean 'no' as in go away, 'no' as in right now I don't want to hear any of this, no. I mean as in, I've had a bit of a busy day already, no. I died. What else? I've apparently had my personality changed, found out I'm a fugitive from justice, met God, been to Italy and the Lake District, fought pirates? that sort of NO! The sort of, gee, maybe I overdid my first day of my VACATION, NO!"

"Why are you yelling at me? It's not like it's all my fault."

"Ahhhrgghhhhhh!!!" I threw up my hands and stalked off down the hill.

Dot followed me all the way down the darkened mountain, her longer legs barely being able to keep up with this rapidly stalking blonde. It was well past midnight, and even the few hopeful vendors camped outside the ship, pulled back in fear as I thundered past them. I boarded the ship and slammed the door of the cabin. I could hear Dotty sighing with relief when I opened it again, only to thrust the do not disturb sign onto the knob, and then slamming it shut again.

"Fine. I see you might need a bit of a lie down. Later!"

Of course, having stomped my way into my bed, after all I had been through, sleep was not about to come quickly. I picked up my chick lit by the bed, but for some reason, comic romance was not interesting to me. It took a long while, but finally the fatigue that had seeped into my bones won out, and I began to drift off.

The exhaustion was so great that the tingling, the gradual paralysis, wasn't noticed at first. If I'd been less tired, I might have done what I usually tried to do; to somehow get out of the bed before I blacked out. But it was too late. I was a captive in my own body once again.

It was the Other.

The prickling immobility seized the rest of my limbs, defying the pure panic that I knew only too well. It progressively slithered past my shoulders and finally crept into my mind. There was time for one involuntary shiver, before my thoughts stopped and I fell into complete blackness.

When I began to regain some consciousness, I knew, at a terrified feral level, that the Other was there in the room. Still completely frozen in place by both the fear and paralysis, I could barely see it. It was only the slightest shadow perceived in the corner of one terrified eye. It was hardly even a shape, more of an outline of a figure. The upper portion of its form leaned over me, as I lay petrified, trapped in my own body. And then, I could feel the hands, fingers, touching me. Caressing me. Gliding over me intimately, causing an all too familiar nausea to rise.

How could I have hoped that this horror would end once the pirate dream was resolved? Any confidence I might have gained, dropped away, falling into a vacuum of my helplessness as the thing continued to fondle me, its hands slipping all over my horrified body. The molestation, as always, seemed to go on and on and yet there were no sounds except for my strangled breathing. The creature, the succubus, whatever it was, always made me feel as though some slug-like creature was using me, its almost shapeless form keening over me in some love-starved fashion that made me sick. But the touch was not slug-like; it was that of dry flesh touching fear-sweat skin.

I began to rock back and forth, even though that action only pushed more of my cowering body into the creature's molesting hands. My mind shrieked for something, anything to wake me from this horror. As in all nightmares, I was unable to scream, hardly able to make any sound, but I struggled, fought, to do it anyway. Despite all my efforts, little more than a small gasping noise escaped. Swallowing hard, I continued to rock and pant until a pitifully small 'help' emerged. More rocking and the sound became louder. The thing, the creature, seemed to realise that I was now freeing myself and it began to leave as it always did, by drifting slowly up, up to the ceiling, and passing away through it.

Its disappearance freed me and I found myself in a foetal position, crying hysterically. The locked door of my cabin was somehow opened and Dot stood in the doorway, clearly frightened and upset.

"What's wrong? What's happening?" She caught me as I collapsed, sobbing.

A long cry and many hugs later we were outside, up top, on the deck of the ship. The sky was beginning to brighten, but there was no one and nothing else on the deck but the scattered chairs and ashtrays. Above us, the mountains extended for miles, enclosing the Yangtze. We'd brought some Tsingtao beer from the minibar up with us, and still suspicious, I was keeping my own recently opened bottle, uncontaminated and away from Dot.

Dot, for a change, was pensive. "So, this thing that has scared you more than Rick ever did, you didn't think this was something I should know about?"

I was huddled on the chair, my arms holding my knees against my chest. "I've told you more things about myself than anyone else. Don't? don't make it sound like I was holding out on you. And," I brandished my bottle, "don't act like you can be trusted. Like you weren't keeping secrets."

"True. But I already offered to tell you all the secrets. You want to know why I kept them from you? I think you'll figure out pretty fast why I haven't been?completely honest."

I wearily raised my eyes to Dot. "Why? Why lie to me all this time? Why not tell me what the pirate dream meant? And now, why is? this?Other dream so important?"

"We-ell. This could be a bit hard to believe."

I sighed with frustration. "Look. It's early, I'm exhausted. I'm ready to believe almost anything. I just want to know the truth from the person I thought was my friend."

"I am your friend."

"You murdered me!"

"Are you ever going to let that go?"

We glared at each other before looking away.

I sighed again. It was an impossible situation and ignorance wasn't helping me. "I'll try to trust you. After all, in Through the Looking Glass, the Red Queen told Alice that you should always believe at least six impossible things before breakfast."

Dotty raised her eyebrows in apprehension. "It's a bit more than six."

I took a deep breath and let my legs slide to the ground. "Let's count then."

Dotty shrugged. "Okay. Once upon a time, about 2,000 years ago, there were these two women. One died and left her soulmate, alone."

"Soulmate?"

Dot gave me a look. "If you start counting that one, we're going to run out of numbers."

"Okay. Go on."

"Her lover had left her alone, because she'd been conned through what she thought was an obligation. Her lover was trapped in death by her own choice, her own guilt, and had made her soulmate promise not to rescue her. But I told her?"

"You."

"Yep."

"I'd say that was a one."

Dotty shrugged and took another sip of the Chinese beer. "That one act, that one stupid sacrifice that should never have happened, changed the rest of history. It should not have happened. According to the Fates, it was not supposed to happen."

"Two people, could change the world?"

With vehemence that seemed out of character, Dotty said "Yes!"

"Two," I said remorselessly.

"Whatever. What I told her soulmate, yes, two thousand years ago, was that there was one place in the world that might correct the mistake."

"The Temple in the City of Ghosts."

Dotty nodded. "I told her she could bring the ashes of her lover to the Temple in the City of Ghosts, and they would judge her lover. She might be judged guiltless and maybe her lover would accept the judgement. You know, because it was an impartial court. And maybe everything could be put right again."

Now Dotty looked at me carefully. "But you see, once I had talked to her, her plans had to be changed. So she went and told the crew, the crew of the ship she'd hired?"

"Okay, Kunte Kinte, I have found you." I stood up abruptly and walked away from my chair. Stared at the hillsides. "So, the dots finally connect. This is now all about me, supposedly. Right? And my female lover? And this all actually happened 2,000 year ago? With my female lover?"

Dot smiled. "That would be a yes."

"That would also be three, four and maybe five. And? hold on, the temple wasn't even built 2,000 years ago!"

Dot grinned. "Oh honey, after everything you've been through, haven't you learned anything about temporal balance? Once a temple has been built, a true temple, it's always been there."

"Six," I stated.

Dot shrugged. "Now it gets a bit more complicated."

"No, it can't. Seven."

"You'll take the seven back in a second." Dot gestured to me to retake my chair. I did, grudgingly. "But as you know, at least originally, instead of getting the ashes to the temple, the woman was killed by the crew and the ashes never made it."

"Fine. But now we changed all that, right? So everything is hunky dory now? I mean, aside from the fact I'm a murderer on the run!"

"No, no, no! Thing is, yes, now it is changed. You, or the woman you were, did get her to the temple. But just because the temple is always there, it was only there for people on another plane, like your?friend. Though, it wasn't here for you."

"Eight."

"You were a mortal. You don't have access to things beyond time. And when there finally was a temple, you didn't come for her. And your lover failed the tests."

"Nine! How could anyone fail THOSE tests?"

"You took them on this plane, as a mortal being. The tests are a lot more difficult when you're not, well, alive. Especially when you have the guilt of thousands of deaths on your shoulders. So she stayed here, and your soul went on alone, without her. That wasn't what was supposed to be. You two were supposed to be together. You had lifetimes of acts that you would do together and without her, and with the guilt of failing her, you weren't, well, all that you were supposed to be."

Dot sighed and took my hand. "So we needed you, or at least some incarnation of you, to come here and help her through the tests."

"So why now? Why me? Why this lifetime? Couldn't you get your act together sometime in the last 2,000 years?"

Dotty puffed angrily. "I TRIED! But you kept being born in the west. Do you know how hard it was to get you to China? I tried every explorer from Marco Polo on. Last century, I tried to get your parents to do the missionary thing, but no go. Nothing worked. Until now. See why I was sort of excited about this trip?"

"So there's no Suzie, no welder, no truth to anything we've known together."

For once, Dotty seemed to be near tears. "Don't you dare pull that on me. I've been your friend. Always."

"Friends know each other. You're more of a fairy godmother than a friend. I don't know anything about you."

The soft fluffy Dotty must have finally snapped because she almost spat out, "I always wanted to be more. But what you needed has never been me." She was acutely embarrassed by this admission, but pressed on. "You needed her. Always. And Honey, no one knows as much about love as I do and that means?" there was a heartfelt sigh, "? you needed a friend. So that's what I have been." Dotty gazed at me steadily from her puffy eyes. "So don't you dare tell me what friendship is. You taught me what it was all too well."

I found myself wondering about this sacrifice she had made, but for once she looked like she needed a hug, not me. "I'm sorry, I couldn't, I mean, you know?" I muttered into her shoulder.

She returned the embrace and I could feel her tears on my cheek. "Hey, its okay. As I said, I'm your friend."

Damn it, but now we were both crying. "You could have told me this before I was wanted for murder, you know."

Dot chuckled sadly. "Nope. Now we're both committed, so the secrets can come out and things are going to be set right. If you trust me."

What could I say to that? Nothing made any sense, and her friendship was once again all I had to cling to. "Alright. But no more killing me without asking first, okay?"

At that ludicrous request, we both started laughing. There, in each other's arms, we shared a much-needed cathartic laugh. When we finally broke apart, it was to lie back, almost relaxed, in our deckchairs. The sun was rising ever higher and we both were aware that time was running out. Nevertheless, we both sipped our beers, lost in thought.

I broke the silence first. "Okay, I guess I'm signed up to believe all this, but I still don't get why, well, there's a list of things I don't get, but what does this have to do with the thing that keeps scaring the crap out of me. What is the phantom molester about?"

"You know your dream about the ass sawing?"

I rolled my eyes. "No, I forgot all about that."

Dotty stared straight ahead. "You still go white when you think of that place. Your lover, her name was Xena, she's been there for two thousand years. Two thousand years of torture that freaked you out after two minutes."

I didn't like the way this was going.

Dotty said softly. "Xena's trying to be with you. But whatever is left of her after all these years?" She let out a breath. "She's completely insane."

Chapter 3

Once again I was lying on the ground on the hilltop of the City of Ghosts. This time there was early morning dew on the grass, but that wasn't what was causing the chill I felt. To take my mind off of my apprehension, I stared quizzically at my thirtyish-looking friend and had to ask, "So, you're 2,000 years old?"

"Why, what's wrong?" Dot pulled out a makeup mirror and made a show of scanning anxiously. Feigning relief, she put it down again. "As always, perfection."

"Yes, about that always?"

Dot harrumphed. "Well, you're at least that old too. I just don't have to go through all the? messy bits."

I laughed, relieved that we seemed to be okay, and also because I was a bit drunk. It had taken three more beers and a lot of talk before I was ready to consider a return trip. Thank God it was still early and the chairlift was closed. Even then, I walked up the path like a prisoner being escorted to the gas chamber.

Dot, in contrast, was filled with confidence. "Just keep it simple. Tell them what we discussed, and then get back here for the final stretch."

I nodded. "Okay. Let's do it."

"But are you ready, sweetie?"

"Nope, but let's go ahead anyway." I drank the proffered water and swallowed nervously.

"Any last words?"

"Yes. If these are my last words, I am going to haunt you sooooo?" and the buzzing and the humming began to become a swelling in my head until they swept over me and?

?. I was once again in the receptionist's office. The same demon glowered at me and I managed to blurt, "Jennifer Hampton?"

"I knowwww," the demon spat out. "I have an infinite mmmemmmorrry. Why do you think I am the receptionisssst?

"Because of your charming manner?"

"YOU'RRRRE LATE. You should not keep the Goddesssss waiting. Go rrrright in."

As I walked through the doors I was anticipating the Friari again, but instead I walked into a scene literally from my nightmares. The same grotesque judges loomed in front and I was once again in the Hall of the Emperor.

Once again what I was thinking rhymed with 'luck'.

*********************

When I came to myself again, I could see Dotty checking her watch. She was tapping her nails together nervously, so I managed to give a cough and she turned to see my eyes open and my chest heaving.

She administered more of the antidote and then waited as long as she could for me to recover.

"So?"

"Can I just lie down for a few? years?" I pleaded.

Dot shook her head. "Sorry, but the ship leaves in five hours. And I don't know if you've noticed, but the nice Chinese government expects you to go with it. They don't seem to like it when people are not where they're supposed to be. And people who aren't where they're supposed to be, well, they put them in places for a long time just to make sure they know where they are. And that's if those people are lucky."

I rolled over in the grass onto my back. "Last thing I remember, I was in the Hall of the Emperor." I couldn't control the shudder that ran along my body for a moment. "After that, it's all still really hazy. I'm trying to remember what happened. When I'm up there? I have all these lives to help out and then when I get back, it's like a door closed inside my head"

Dot started squirting water at me, showing no quarter as I tried to cover myself from the assault. "You've been up there for what should have been HOURS! I nearly lost you twice and I've so damned worried that I've been going nuts! In the time you had, Gabrielle would have talked her way right out of hell and heaven with a free meal thrown in! TALK!"

"Who?"

"Never mind that now, tell me what happened? What did they decide?"

"Give me a tissue."

Grudgingly, she pulled a packet from her purse. "Only if you talk!"

"That's all I did up there. I think I argued for hours." I dabbed at my face with the Kleenex.

"Good. No guesses as to who you were channelling."

"What?"

Dot shook my head. "Never mind! Did they go for it?"

"I don't think so."

Dot was outraged. "They had to! There must be some sort of deal. They can't allow the paradoxes."

I waved with my hands. "I think I remember them claiming? what we want, would create thousands more."

"Those don't matter because it would be putting things right."

"Well, you argue next time. What I remember now was worse than traffic court. Bad enough to have four VERY unfriendly judges, but if they don't believe you in traffic court they don't-

"-saw your ass in half?"

I nodded. "Exactly."

"But you did get some sort of deal, right? You are here, with only one ass, after all."

"Remember complicated? Well, add on the fact I can't remember half of it, and you spraying water isn't helping."

Sulking slightly, Dot indicated that I should continue. I took a deep breath and tried to sort out the hazy memories. "Okay. The crux of the problem is that, well, you were right. Whatshername?"

"Xena."

"Xena is my succubus and crazy as a bedbug. It's been thousands of years and at no time did anyone come to help her. SO, there's no previous time I or another version of me, could go back to save her. So they decided we have to deal with her soul the way it is, as it is now. BUT, and this is only after a lot of arguing?" My mind blanked again. I could feel Dot building up her frustration levels again but tried to ignore her and remember the last part. "Okay, I think it was agreed? that if I can get her through the tests, and she passes, they will resolve the paradox by freeing her soul to be reincarnated from when it first arrived and she wouldn't have experienced any of the last 2,000 years." I had no idea what I'd said and even less what it meant. Other than more trouble for me.

Dotty clapped her hands together. "If she gets back the last two thousand years of incarnations, then so will you!"

I goggled at my friend. "You understood that?"

Dotty grasped my hand. "It's great news, better than you know. You did good, honey. I knew you could do it."

"What planet are you from? Don't answer. Please don't answer." I stood up and stared off towards one of the pagodas on the next hillside for a moment, and was grateful that Dot waited. Eventually I spoke. "Look. Forget all the stuff about timelines. I don't understand it and I'm not even sure I ever did. What's really bothering me is?" I started again. "I get that I have to bring Xena in for judgement, but how? I'm supposed to get a figure from my nightmares here? Assuming I manage it, and do it without screaming or vomiting, or? then how do I get," and I shuddered, "a shapeless blob? mindless flesh, to pass those tests? I can't even bear to think of it, her, touching me. It's been bad enough when it was forced on me."

Dot came up from behind me and gently put a hand on my shoulder. "That's the point. You'll be in control for once. It won't be forced on you." I shrugged off the hand and moved away.

Dot sighed and added. "And I was thinking, when you're on the spirit plane, maybe you'll have access to your previous lives. If you can find any of your previous memories of her, maybe you can use them to sort of shape that blob into something close to what she was."

"But."

"But?"

"Dot, That Thing."

"Yes."

"I hate it. I'm scared of it."

"Hey, if I had a succubus drooling all over me since I was a kid, I don't know how I'd handle this, you know?"

"But, how can I??

"Look. You like the person that she was. REALLY, like the person." I coloured at Dotty's heartbreaking grin. "And if it all gets straightened out, right back to where it went wrong, you'll be fine. A lot better than fine."

"So I just lie back and think of England, right?"

"Sorry, kiddo. I wish there was another way, but you have to earn the good stuff." she handed the water bottle over to me, "only half now, and I'll give you the rest once you have her."

I grimaced, stared at the bottle resentfully and then drank from it.

"Honey, Just try to remember the person, try to think of any memory that stayed with you. No one else can do this. Hold onto her. This isn't just about strength or even brains. This is big time God stuff and mortals can't change that without faith. And Love."

"Don't forget stupidity. Why else would I be drinking the Kool-aid right now?"

Dotty showed me an even sadder smile than before. "Because some part of you still does have faith. And definitely there's love."

The drugs were already working as I lay back. Tried to focus on the memory of that first woman, the one on the pirate ship, of the pain when the urn fell from her hand. Part of me did not want to do this, and I struggled with it, closing my mind to anything but the memory of the woman on the ship who fought back.

Then I felt the tingling beginning from my feet. But even in death, I also felt the fear. I struggled not to fight the sensation as it crept slowly, terribly slowly, along my body. I could hear myself panting slightly, hyperventilating really, as it reached my chest and then continued upwards. As it reached my forehead I fought the sleep, fought it until I was aware of a shape drifting down from the trees.

Now came the hardest part. I reached upwards and felt a hand dangling in the sky, and gulping, pulled it down towards myself. Pulled it closer? I felt the sensation of something lying down beside me, felt a body length all along my own body and I almost panicked and released the hand. But I took another breath and then scooped one arm underneath the invisible form and tightened my grip on the hand. There was a moment of struggle, but then the entity turned and almost enveloped me in its malleable flesh. I felt Dotty pouring the last of the water down my throat and I gave a convulsive shudder. Even as I felt my own death once again, as the buzzing grew in my ears, I held on and fell into darkness.

I came to in a greater gloom, still holding onto the creature. I could see nothing and hear only my own breathing.

"If I'm dead," I thought, "How can I still be breathing?"

"BECAUSE," a familiar and frightening voice above me stated, "WHETHER YOU ARE DEAD OR ALIVE, OR ANYTHING ELSE, IS NOW OURS TO DECIDE."

My heart dropped at the tone, only to be slightly relieved when I could somehow see that the Goddess was also with the Four Judges. I was lying in front of the Bridge of No Way Out still being swathed by the creature of my too many lost nights. At a nod from the Goddess, I swivelled the creature over me, and even as it resisted, pulled it up along my upper body and managed to stand. The thing was not light and as I worked its pliable mass, it made a crying sound that set my teeth on edge. My flesh crawled as well, but I was eventually able to hoist it into my arms and then face the bridge.

The judges shook their heads, two with some amusement. "YOU CANNOT CARRY HER OVER THE BRIDGE. SHE MUST STEP THREE TIMES, JUST AS YOU MUST."

The mewling mass of flesh in my arms began to struggle and I could feel myself ready to give up. The painted smiles on two of the judges became even broader and I shoved the helplessness down as far as I could.

There had to be a way.

I thought of Dotty's suggestion and tried again to focus on the memory of the woman this entity had once been, hoping to get it to be more help than the hindrance it was. There was a dark shape forming about the body, but the body itself remained shapeless and inhuman. Something told me that only the soul within could change its actual form, and with nothing left of the person, this was all the soul could be. I concentrated again, seeing the clothing, the leather, the bracers and they began to coalesce about the arms and torso. I reached out, experimentally and found I could touch them, and they seemed real.

That's it!

I closed my eyes and concentrated only on the outfit. The thing struggled even more as it found itself clothed, though the pieces hung on her, loose in every position. I clutched the body with one arm and found I could squeeze my hands and wrists through the bracers and gauntlets. As I'd hoped, the thing was so pliable there was enough room for me to fit.

The thing squirmed uncomfortably as I squeezed into the boots with all the enthusiasm of someone trying out a pair of live squid shoes. That gave me some control over the movement of the thing, but not enough.

Another memory struck me and I imagined a whip attached to where the hips should have been. When the whip obligingly appeared, I took it and wound it tightly around my waist. I still felt like cringing whenever the ghastly form stroked my skin, but I had to focus on the job at hand. Crossing the bridge in three steps.

As soon as the right boot touched the bridge, the pond below came alive and became its namesake, a river of blood. A sickly sweet smell arose from it and the red liquid seemed to swirl hypnotically, drawing me towards it. The body I was squeezed against, also seemed to be pulled into it and it took all of my strength to take the first step. Then another. The draw into the water seemed like a kind of gravity, but increased by a dozen times. It was only broken when I felt our boot touch the other side. There we both collapsed. None of the judges seemed satisfied, but we had crossed and I didn't give a damn at that moment about anything else.

I lay down and rested for what seemed like seconds, panting, before the Goddess appeared before me. "You do not have that much time."

Mindful of my body somewhere on another plane, I nodded. "I know."

With Her help, I managed to stand and tighten the whip around our waists once again. The stairway seemed mountains high and the steps far greater than they had been before. I heard my own panting and wondered if perhaps only the succubus had to make it on one breath. The Goddess shook her head, knowing my thoughts. "Both of you must make it to the top on a single breath."

I nodded and began the ascent. The weight of my own body, much less the thing's, seemed to drag on me. Thigh muscles seemed to groan, as well as my lungs. But I pressed on. I slipped once and had to return to the step to ensure we touched each of the thirty-three. At some point, I lost count and it seemed as though we were still less than halfway, though I knew that couldn't be. I was trying to hold my breath, my lungs aching and I knew I was not going to make it. I almost sobbed as I realised that I was never going to be that woman, the one that was unafraid to kick ass, to change the world, when I felt a memory, or was it a thought, one that said to me, 'You can do this, Gabrielle, you can. One step at a time.'

Was it a memory, or was I hearing some small part of the woman who had been my partner so many lives ago? The formless blob in my arms was still just so much dead weight but I held onto those words and pushed myself, pressed myself, one more step and then another and one more and one more and then the last step. The hardest of them all, and I was done. Drawing in wind so quickly it hurt my throat.

The Goddess was there, and she was speaking to one of the judges, the one with the largest scroll. "You have a protest?"

"YES, THIS IS NOT AN ACTION BY THE ONE TO BE JUDGED. THIS IS NOT RIGHT. IT IS A MOCKERY!"

The Goddess looked to me before responding. "There is still one trial to be undergone. You will have your say once it is completed as to whether they have failed."

I gathered my last morsels of strength as we walked along the avenue of the carved figures. Except now they were no longer stone. They hooted and called out to us, mocking our stumbling gait towards the last trial. When we got there, I looked to the stone I had to balance on. It was higher than I remembered and the top was no longer worn but pointed. The succubus chose this moment to thrash about, as if reading my thoughts of the impossibility of this final test. There was no possible way I could balance while clasping this squirming, unthinking thing. Even the slightest tremor and I would fall and we would both have lost. There had to be a way. Something, somehow?

"I can't do this alone. I need, I need??" and I thought back to when I had heard that whisper on the stairway. The thought that came from somewhere and yet was so much from my own heart. Could there be something still inside this shapeless flesh?

The Goddess again heard my thoughts and shook Her head sadly. "2,000 years, little one. No one and nothing could survive that."

I shook my head. "She still came to me. As terrible and awful as those visits were, she still came to me. There has to be? I have to believe, or else?" I gestured at the stone. The Goddess nodded and we once more tightened the whip about the waist.

I concentrated, my eyes shut, speaking as carefully as I could. 'Xena, find me. Listen and be still. Don't move, please stay still.' The creature groaned and tried to shake itself lose from me but I held on tight. I approached the stone and placed my right foot on it. I closed my eyes again and deliberated on the memory. And for a moment I saw a face, eyes of clear blue and a mouth that quirked slightly in a sad smile, and I lifted my left leg from the ground. I continued to concentrate on that smile, those eyes, and then opened my own eyes to stare at the characters on the wall.

Hold on, love. Stay with me.

The count began. "ONE."

Hold me, Xena, hold on tight

"TWO."

It'll be alright, for both of us. Just hold onto me and I will hold onto you and

THREE!

We toppled over and I closed my eyes, feeling the irony that I was now comforting the very thing that had made my life one of fear. Above me, I could hear the Judges arguing. "THIS IS A SHAM!" Another added angrily, "A PUPPET SHOW."

"No," said the Goddess firmly. "You all saw what happened. The spirit within has survived. Somehow, impossibly, it has survived and made this possible. We all saw, and heard. We also know they have earned this. Look at your records, look at their histories and say that these two have not earned this. This is the way it was supposed to be and how it must be."

I held my breath and felt something changing. The figure in my grasp was shifting. It was becoming firmer and there was colouring, veins; muscles were forming and I began to be squeezed out of the boots and bracers but the roaring in my ears began again and it grew so loud I pulled my hands to block it out and?

******************************

I was sitting at a control panel with what seemed like hundreds of complex dials and indicators, LCD's reading out numbers I couldn't begin to understand. The roaring had not diminished, but now it was an engine sound, coming from all around me.

I turned to my left, and seated at the other console, was her. The woman from my memories. Beautiful beyond those memories and brimming with life, but staring at me with the same concern, with the same half smirk on her lips.

We were both wearing pilot's uniforms, but I was completely unfamiliar with anything else about where I was.

"Problem, Love?" my partner asked cheerfully.

Was this the new life Dot had promised? I frantically searched for any memories of this new timeline and there were none. I could only wish that they'd come and my only hope was to stall for time. But first I had to get away from the one person who might know something was not quite right. "Ah, need a bit of air." I gestured to the rear of the cockpit. "That okay?"

"Hey, if you're tired, I'll do the flight check if you want. I'll even do the take off." There was that smirk again.

Looking about the completely foreign control panels, I thought, 'Oh yeah, that would be a good idea.' Outwardly, I shrugged and forced my face to look as nonchalant as I could. "Maybe."

Immediately the expression across the way changed to one of real concern. "You're kidding, aren't you?"

"No, I just thought, maybe you'd like to, this time," I said lamely.

"But you NEVER? are you sure?" my supposed partner said incredulously. Then her expression shifted again. "Unless you think this means you can drive the truck as a trade. 'Cause that's not gonna happen."

"No, look, I just need a bit of air?" I rummaged around my memory for a name, anything, but still came up with nothing.

"You're sure you're okay?"

I tried, "Trust me, I'm just, I just need a little air."

"Okay. Sure, you wanna do the stewardess thing, go ahead. You know where I'll be."

She leaned over to grasp my hand and I almost pulled away, but instead let the warmth of the gesture touch me.

I pushed through the cabin doors and stopped behind the curtains, wondering what I would find behind them. I peered through the gap, racking my brains for what I was doing there. I'm a pilot, but my partner is a woman? What airline hired two women pilots? And this isn't a small plane. Hell, I don't even know the names of the types or sizes. Or was it makes? How could I be a pilot?

Through the curtain I could see that the plane seated over a hundred passengers and all the seats seemed to be occupied. Occupied by women mainly and children, all of whom seemed to be Oriental. As I scanned the faces, I had my first flash of a memory; of painstakingly cutting their photos and placing them in documents I had created. Forged. Oh God, I'm a slave smuggler. This is NOT an improvement, I railed at the Powers That Be. This new Jennifer is NOT getting away with this stuff.

I strode into the aisle wondering how I could turn this nightmare around when all conversation stopped and their eyes turned to me. New Jennifer or not, I wasn't used to this attention and it stopped me cold. One woman ventured to say, "Is there anything wrong?" Seeing the trepidation, I said the first things that came into my head, which incredibly, was, "No, we've received clearance from the tower, we're just doing our check and we'll be in the air in a few minutes. Everything is fine."

Where those words came from I couldn't have told, but as several of the women translated what I had said, a relieved babble broke out. Several of the women stared at me with something in their eyes that I had never seen before. Gratitude, respect and even a little adoration. I was trying to understand what I might have done to deserve this when a small figure ran down the aisle and grabbed me about the hips. "MOMMY! Look!" the little girl yelled into my side, pushing her drawings into my hand. I looked down at the dark head and felt my heartbeat at a rate I'd never felt before and my hand brushed through the hair in wonder. It seemed to be a trigger because I was overwhelmed by memories. A whole panorama played through my mind. Of this child. My daughter. Cassandra. Well, adopted, but definitely mine. And my partner's. Alex. That was her name. Alex. And as the pieces flew together I was filled with more than memories, I became swollen with the purest joy. I quickly hoisted that dear figure into my arms to hide my face as I began to laugh and cry simultaneously. I had turned away from the passengers and was unaware of the person who approached from behind.

"So what do you think of this side of the looking glass, Alice?"

When I turned my head, a familiar face was in front of me and I let her join in a very wet hug. More pieces fit into place in my mind and I whispered into her ear, "Dite?"

She replied in the same manner. "Yeah, well, lately I prefer Aunty Dotty."

I let her go and grinned as she took a tissue and wiped my still falling tears. "Aunty Dotty. Pretty close."

She shrugged. "I prefer to think it's just right. You didn't answer the question, Jen."

"I thought, for a minute, I thought that these women, that we were slavers."

Dot hooted. "You're kidding! Nope, just you trying to help out. Again."

That's right. All these people were dissidents, widows of dissidents, a few reporters, lots of kids who weren't legal in the wonderful New China. Many of whom were going to die until we fabricated a tour of the former Soviet Union. Supposedly going to Bratislava. Of course, none were the people their visas stated and none would remain in Slovakia for long.

So many memories were still flooding my mind, but all of them, I owed this person. "Thank you." I said. "You kept your promise."

"Only seems fair, because you kept yours," she said slyly.

"My promise?" I asked

"The promise of who you were supposed to be."

Cass was tugging at me so I put her down and gave her a stare and glanced meaningfully at her empty seat. She frowned and grumpily headed back. Dot and I followed. I had to know something. "So? do you just leave now? Find someone else to help??"

Dot snorted. "After two thousand years? What d'you think I am? The Incredible Hulk? The Littlest Hobo? I'm Aunty Dotty, your wacky relative who drops in to help and occasionally kid sit."

"But all you've done, how can I?" there was a spell of dizziness, a sense again of that door closing. And I knew what it meant. "I'm not going to remember anything that happened, am I? My other lives, my old life?"

She shook her head, but the smile never left her face. "Your soul will. And that's enough."

The door was almost closed, I could feel it shutting? "Is it? After all you've done, meant to me for all those years, Dotty??"

"Yes, love?"

We were taking Cass back to her seat and I seemed to have lost my train of thought. "What were we just talking about?"

Dot had the strangest expression on her face. A smile of such mixed happiness and sadness that I tried to think who might have died. "The usual. How much you love that nutcase in the cockpit and how you had to get back."

I chuckled because she was probably right, but her expression still worried me. "Did I miss something? Is anything wrong?"

"Nah. Everything's just the way it should be." And she gave me the strangest little kiss on my cheek before sitting down and belting herself in. "Though," she added in a more usual tone of voice, "next time you guys take a vacation, maybe you should actually take a vacation? Not end up transporting an extra hundred and fifty people home with you?"

She was changing the subject, and I shot her a glance to show I knew she was evading something, but I also knew that when Dot didn't want to talk, she wouldn't talk. So I turned to my little monster instead. "Cass, you stay buckled up until when?"

"Until you or Mum or Aunt Dotty says it's okay to open my laptop."

I kissed my sweet baby and said, "I love you."

My daughter kissed me back and said, "I love you too."

Dot interrupted me with a tap on the shoulder. "I think you had a plane to fly."

That's right. And what was I thinking? Alex was about to do my checklist? Alex was about to do the takeoff? She knew better than that! Sure, takeoffs were easy, anyone could do them. Basically all you need is enough space, the right speed, lift the nose and Alex was certainly competent enough to handle it. But no one took my chance to lift off into the sky. Not even the person I loved with more passion than I could sometimes hold in my body.

As I turned to leave, my daughter turned to all the people in the plane and loudly announced, "My mommy has to go because she's the pilot."

The woman on the other side of her aisle said quietly, but firmly, "Your Mommy is also a hero."

Fighting back a very unheroic blush, I left them behind and pushed through the curtains. I unlocked the cabin doors and stared at the love of my life. The perfect yin to my yang. For some reason I thought of the lives we led, the power, the passion and the future. The grin was threatening to break my jaw, so very firmly, I put my hand on the chair and told her, "What the hell do you think you're doing in MY seat?"