Spoilers: This occurs part way through season five and refers to incidents from several episodes

Danger! Warning!: Two women in Love! With each other! Horrors! PG 13

Warning: Some very serious stuff intrudes into the humour, including revenge for child molestation, but it's essential to the conclusion.

Basically, Xena and Gabrielle have body swapped again, but Aphrodite left their first season emotions intact. Please read the previous parts first or this will make even less sense.

Mail is always received and answered at Kamouraskan@yahoo.com

A story of impractical jokes; an apology to a certain Webmistress

Part One kamouraskan_npamoawp1.html

Part Two kamouraskan_npamoawp2.html

Part Three kamouraskan_npamoawp3.html

The Conclusion

Let the bells ring out and the banners fly! it's too good to be true but it's here, it's here!

Okay, so are we all together here? Everyone made notes I hope? Sorry. You could have gone to the washroom BEFORE you sat down.

Now I've tried to foreshadow, but this one has some serious stuff.

When last we saw our heroes... Gabrielle (in Xena's body, right?)had just launched an attack on her old friends in a certain local chorale group, and was enjoying herself a little too much...

Still a very nice day. Still birds warbling, animals grazing, Demeter doing her thing.

Still in the root cellar, Seraphin and Xena heard someone's frantic approach that dashed up and stopped outside of the door to the cellar. It seemed that word was being spread that 'Xena' was about to pay a visit, and the traditional welcome was being made.

"Run away! Run away!"

This panic was momentarily halted by Herodatus

"What's wrong? How does the Chorus, uh, the Militia stand?"

"You fool! Xena just tore through the altos and basses like toy lyre strings! We're down to a couple of tenors", the frenzied messenger shrieked, "and after that there's only bloody SOPRANOS between her and us!"

Herodotus' low mutter could be barely heard. "I don't understand. Didn't they tell her who they were?"

"She already knew who they were! She picked up poor Gendle like a toy, and told him how pissed off she was that he used to pull down Gabby's underwear in the village square. Then she sliced off his pants! When she saw he wasn't wearing anything underneath, she told him she'd just have to make do by taking something else off!" The messenger's tone lowered and sounded a tad furtive. "That's when I decided to come back here to ummm, warn you."

Inside, Seraphin turned to Xena with eyes bright with delight. "Sounds like Gabrielle likes attending her school reunion as six feet of kick-ass."

Xena struggled under her cords. "Maybe too much. Look, Sera, this is becoming serious. You've got to let me up to see what's going on. She might do something she'd really regret."

Torn between what she saw as Gabrielle's prospect of justice and a request from her new friend, Seraphin dithered before compromising. "I'm not untying you. But I suppose it wouldn't hurt to prop you up by the window."

Outside, things were getting very somber, so of course, before you could say comedy relief, oh, joy, Joxer was there.

(I have no explanation for where he was until now or where he came from. I base his miraculous appearance entirely on the show. Until someone explains why he was in the Amazon village in Bitter Suite, or at the mountain in Fallen Angel, this makes perfect sense.)

The goofus interposed himself between a now enthusiastic Gabrielle and a one time prom date. "Xena?" he wheedled. "You don't want to hurt these people."

Gabrielle clamped one hand onto his shoulder, and easily shoved him aside. "One of these days, Jox, you're going to be right, but it ain't today. Laughing boy here promised me a dance a while back, and instead I got covered with a bucket of pig's blood. So, I think a jig first, and then I return the favour. And guess..." she smiled cruelly, "...where the pig's blood is coming from?" Her potential victim made a slight peeping sound.

Even as he stumbled backwards, Joxer called to his new confederate, "Arachnia! Now!" (Has it been two chapters already?)

A descending net was sliced in two by Xena's sword before it even touched Gabrielle's shoulders. She changed direction and strode over to Arachnia, who meekly dropped the remains of the netting, stood still, and closed her eyes. Perhaps Gabrielle meant to toss her indiscriminately to one side, but she ended up throwing her straight into Joxer.

Oh. Remember the last time a skull struck Joxer's? That big thwack? This time as the heads of the Anvil of Athena and the Master of Mayhem collided, there came a wondrous bell-like tone that stalled the battle for a brief moment as many Potadaians assumed lunch was being served somewhere. If only to squirrels.

But Gabrielle was ignoring the heaped bodies, because fun time was over. For all of us. But I did warn you.

For the past several heartbeats, Gabrielle's eyes had never moved from one spot.

One man.

One average looking, middle-aged man holding a small sword in front of him. For some reason he remained secure in the belief that he had the words that would stay this beast. He spoke loudly enough for all to hear. "Stand and advance no further, woman. I was Gabrielle's teacher. I taught her to read."

There was a laugh of unpleasant origin, that bubbled up from her chest as Gabrielle continued to move forward. She had known anger before, but this was a pure fury, and she reveled in it, and the sensuous power and physical strength that seemed to be feeding off the wrath. there was a stillness that allowed her words to carry across the square, though her voice was a low purring that grew to a growl.

"Yes. That's right. You did that. You tried to find the one thing that would tempt a young girl into leaving her home at night. The one thing that would make her visit you. The one thing you believed that she would do anything for."

Too late, the man blinked and hesitantly began to retreat. A firm hand shot out and grasped his collar and he was snatched upwards, then flung to the ground.

"Yes, you taught me." Gabrielle continued remorselessly. "You showed me the letters and words I craved. You made knowledge a BRIBE. Something that had to be PAID for. So that you could TOUCH, and SEDUCE, you BASTARD! How many were there? How many children?"

The terrified teacher had managed to get to his feet, and began to back away, screeching in fear. "Get away, you unnatural woman!"

But there was no mercy, only an ugly sneer on the warrior princess's face, and she continued to advance towards him.

"You son of a bitch. You dare to tell me what's abnormal?"

By this time Seraphin had managed to maneuver the cot up against the wall, and Xena was watching in shock through the casement window as her own fist smashed into a middle aged man. Who flew across the courtyard to crash through a drying table.

"No more", he whispered from the wreckage to the tower of anger above him.

"You're damned right no more". And Gabrielle unsheathed the sword to hold it high. Both hands gripped the hilt, her body singing with the anticipation of the thrust into his heart. She spat out, "No more little girls for you."

Xena may have meant to cry 'Gabrielle' but instead, like an echo of so many times past, she screamed to her partner, "XENA! NO!"

I have to wonder. What did Gabrielle think as she heard that cry? Was she thinking of all the deaths she had been responsible for? From Meridian to the latest one only days before? Did she picture herself ever so carefully cleaning that last bit of clotted blood from her sais? Why would this killing make any difference? Sure there was no justification of the greater good, or Eve or Xena to defend. There was the excuse of stopping there from being any future victims.... No. She couldn't fool herself. This was very, very personal.

Xena would understand.

"I trusted you, and you betrayed me," she growled.

Yes, Xena would understand. Once again the sword was raised to thrust and twist inside of his chest.

As she prepared to strike, her eyes were drawn inexorably across the lane to see her partner's face framed in a low window, a silent 'no' on her lips. Pleading like some apparition of her youthful self. Gabrielle faltered under that appeal, and with a sob, dropped the sword to the ground, and fell to her knees, as the school teacher scrambled away.

And Xena? Seeing the blood lust that she had never wanted Gabrielle to experience actually personified in her own figure and face, felt an outburst of horror and fear that Gabrielle had once known watching her in action. The fear that the young farmer's daughter had somehow overcome for the sake of friendship. And another piece of the puzzle finally fit into place for both of them.

So even as Gabrielle knelt in the dirt, there was a rushing of wind, and Aphrodite was there, holding her. Gabrielle thought that there were tears in both of their eyes and she fought her body's negative response to the embrace, needing comfort desperately. She mumbled brokenly, "I don't want to play this game any more."

Holding Gabrielle tenderly, the Goddess said "I'm sorry, Gabster. It's okay. You wanted to know what it was like to be Xena. I thought.... What you've been doing lately... all your doubts about your way and hers. You needed to know..."

The Goddess gathered Herself. "And everybody heard what that scumbucket did. One way or another he's finished, I swear." She lifted Gabrielle's head to look into the tear filled and exhausted eyes, ignoring the mustache and goatee. "It's almost over now. Just one teeny last little thing." She pulled Eve from the backpack, and teased the child with a gentle finger. Seeing her child in the hands of a God brought an unreasoning fear to Gabrielle's heart, but a quick look at the expression on the Goddess' face soothed her. The suspicion hadn't gone unnoticed, but Aphrodite only grinned.

"Hey, if I wanted to, I coulda. Even I can conjure up a fireball, you know. But friends don't do that, do they?"

Gabrielle felt the tears rise again, and she shook her head.

The Goddess continued. "I think this munchkin should be with someone else for a bit while you and the warrior babe finish up. How 'bout if I take the wee one out of the line of fire? You make the call where I take her... Would that be cool with you?"

The part that was Gabrielle in the warrior's body accepted this truth and asked "You can do that? For me? You won't get in any trouble with Family?"

Aphrodite gave the tall woman a punch on the shoulder. "That is so sweet. Worried about me? That's the sweatpea I know and love."

By the way, this exchange wasn't going unnoticed by Xena, still helpless and tied to the now upright cot. No, Xena was definitely glued to the spectacle of the Goddess of Love successfully comforting her soulmate. In fact, Xena was getting a big taste of the jealousy that could drive a woman to travel to Chin about this time.

Unaware of the green eyed watcher, Gabrielle was thinking out loud. "Maybe you could take her to my Mom.... oh God's. That would be an explanation and a half..."

"Hel-loo! Who better to make it than the Goddess of Love?"

"To MY mom? uh..."

"You don't think I can handle it."

"It's just...."

"Come on, Sweetie? This is the Goddess talking. I can do this. Impress a couple of mortals? Give me a break."

"No tricks? Just because we're...?"

"Buds? Yeah. Still trust me?"

Gabrielle nodded. "I'd feel better if you would tell me what this final teeny little thing we have to do to get our own bodies back is, and why Eve can't be there."

"Honey. You two needed to know how it felt to be the other one, soooooo... I'm the Goddess of Love.. What do you think will end it?"

Still feeling only fatigue, Gabrielle looked on without comprehension.

The Goddess sighed. "Ya know, sometimes I think I need to have the University of Illinois Marching Band to spell stuff out for you, but since that body of yours will be sending the brain a message soon... I'll just go and be Goddess like, okay? Later!"

Gabrielle was still puzzling over Aphrodite's remarks when just as predicted, somewhere a little bell went off. One that sounded like: 'Hey Warrior! You've just knocked out fifteen guys, and had to be restrained from killing a child molester. Now it's Miller Time! '

Moments later, (back at the farm), Hecuba came striding in carrying a certain child and set right into slapping her husband about the arms and shoulders. "Hero! They're married!"

By this time, you have to figure Herodotus was getting damned tired of everybody picking on him, and roared, "What?"

Like a proper wife, Hecuba ignored his outburst entirely, and only cooed to the bundle in her arms "Oooji booodgi booodgi!" Finally deciding that the veins in her husband's neck had reached the stage where Scotty would be calling to warn the captain, she said: "Xena. And our Gabrielle. They're married. And we have the cutest little grandchild. Isn't it miraculous?"

Meanwhile Xena was loosening the sphincter muscles that had been tightened ever since she had seen her child disappear with Aphrodite. Gabrielle's sphincter muscles, that is. And realised that the joy she was feeling at seeing Eve and the need to hold her, was as strong as her own would have been. And she hung her head, and cursed herself with a fluency that had Seraphin scurrying to write stuff down.

Hecuba returned her attention to her husband. "Now you tell whatever is left of those silly singing soldiers of yours to stop fighting this instant and let our daughter-in-law in."

Herodatus was nowhere up to speed yet, though. "But they can't be married! They're..."

But Hecuba had received a divine message. "The Goddess herself, the Goddess of Love, Hero! She appeared before me. Handed me this child, told me that this was Xena and Gabrielle's child, and that their union was blessed by her."

Seraphin looked at Xena with interest. "Cool. I hang with a God and he tries to destroy humanity. You hang with one and they try to solve your in-law problems."

Xena grimaced. "Uh huh. Let's just say this is one of their good days."

Hecuba slapped her husband's shoulder again. "Hero, are you going to call off your men?"

Herodotus' indecision was interrupted by a mangled scream, followed by a loud thud, just outside the building. Hecuba cocked an ear and smiled. "I bet that's our daughter-in-law now! XENA! Dear?"

From the exterior there was a silence, and then a hesitant "Momma?"

Hecuba glowed with delight, and turned to face the rest. "She called me Momma!"

Herodotus was now suffering from real information overload. "HOW can they be MARRIED!? And what do you mean grandchild? HOW could there be a GRANDCHILD?"

Xena cleared her throat, but the silky voice interrupted through the door . "Can I say it? Just once? I've always wanted to say it."

Hanging her head, but smiling none the less, Xena called out: "Go ahead."

The voice outside said pompously, "I. Have MANY skills."

This was a final straw. Herodotus' brain nearly exploded. "What the CRAP does that MEAN???"

Hecuba was too happy to worry about such details, of course. "Now the Goddess told me that she has a special and important task for our girls to perform, and to do it they must be completely alone. So, Seraphin? Would you be a dear and cut my daughter loose?" Then tugging on her husband's coat, still bubbling over the child, they exited the cellar, and our story. (Two down. We're getting there I tells ya!)

Seraphin regarded the warrior with amusement as she freed her. "A task, huh? From the Goddess of Love? I bet it's real hard work. Rolled up sleeves kind of stuff, huh?"

Outside they heard a familiar but very serious sounding voice explaining that everyone should be moved to a safe distance from the hut, and that they were to ignore any smashes, crashes, and especially any screams.

At this, Seraphin's eyes grew much wider. "Oh oh.... Xeee-na? Sounds like Gabrielle's gonna wanta be on top this time. At least."

Xena's response was another example of her wide fluency in many languages, and Seraphin quickly exited as well. Darn. I was beginning to like her.

Xena was just getting the circulation going in her arms and wrists when the door opened again. Six feet of barely restrained lust stood in the doorway. Xena swallowed, and raised her hand to give a weak wave. "'Lo Gab."

Gabrielle closed the door and silently began to remove her bracers.

"Need any help?"

Nothing. Boots were next.

"Um. Gab. You know, I've really always tried to be... fair in our relationship. I don't think anyone would accuse me of ALWAYS being, well, let's call it, the dominant one... Certainly, it was never my INTENTION..." Xena continued to babble as the Gabrielle silently and deliberately removed her armor. She did look up briefly, but continued to strip....

Now the author would like to intrude for a moment. (Like you haven't all along? <Quiet, you>)

Now, I promised several individuals that in this story there would be explicit sex, unlike any of my other fanfic. There are two main reasons I have never attempted this before.

One: I honestly believe that by definition the act of love is the most intimate of acts, and I feel uncomfortable writing, or even reading, descriptions of it involving persons I feel I know.

Two: I'm really bad at it.

So far my attempts have hmmm, aroused, very little prurient interest. Instead they've sort of been giggled at.

So I was stuck. But as the Fates would have it, I had the good fortune to be privy to a discussion by several respected authors on this very subject. They claimed that there were only two ways to well, handle, this sort of sequence. One was to describe the sensations of one of the participants, while the other was to describe the action as a sort of play by play.

So seizing the latter method, I return you to our story.

<Theme music with lots of trumpets>

"HELLO FELLOW XENITES, AND ALL THE SHIPS AT SEA!"

"WELL, SALLY, IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE GOING TO HAVE SEX, AND WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY FOR IT, TOO!

"THAT'S RIGHT, BOB! Both players are in position, and it looks like foreplay is about to begin at any moment."

"Tell us about the players, Sal!"

"Well, Bob. At this end we have the statuesque body of Xena, Warrior Princess of Amphipolis which is temporarily housing the essence, or soul, of the Bard of Potadaia, Gabrielle. To make this all just a little less confusing..."

"Good luck with that, Sal..."

"....we 're gong to call her Potadaia. And over here is the height impaired body of the Bard playing hostess to Xena's essence. She will be Amphipolis."

"I think that most of our viewers are assuming that Xena's body certainly has the advantage, especially where 'reach' is concerned."

"Yes, but Gabrielle's body has those surprisingly large hands, which can often be a crucial factor where getting good coverage is concerned."

"Ah, here we go folks. The body of Xena, Warrior Princess, is now completely naked and the crowd is fairly enthusiastic about that!"

"You've certainly got that right, Bob! Now Xena of Amphipolis in Gabrielle's body has moved to a defensive position behind a large oaken table, and apparently is attempting to reason with the opposition. And Yes... Gabrielle appears to be listening... but my oh my! A beautiful move there, Six foot Potadaia has picked up the table and tossed it right across the room! Potadaia looking very strong right now. But Amphipolis ducks around the block and is going for the window!...but oh, no! In what may be an illegal move. she doesn't quite make it!

"By the way, Sally, I'm sure the people at home would be interested to know about that table."

"Yes Bob. The same hand-planed oaken top was last seen as an altar in the episode Chakram, and more recently..."

"Here's the announcement many fans have been waiting for! The Halter top is off! It is official! I think Gabrielle's going all the way!"

"Well, d'uh, Bob."

"I think that's going to count as a first down, advantage Potadaia, "

"You can see here on the replay, there was that moment of hesitation, and Amphipolis pays the price as she is hit HARD!"

"Well, it's definitely a first down and Potadaia has got lots of room..."

"Hold everything folks, Potadaia has called for a time out..."

<"Xena? You're okay with this, aren't you? I mean..."

"Have I ever really been this... aggressive?"

"Well, there was that time..."

"Oh yeah... well I hadn't... seen you in a while, and you had that skirt and started whispering how..."

"Uh huh. But you still never forced me, and I wanted to make sure that I'm not..."

"Gabrielle. You know, if you ever tell anyone about this, I'll deny it. I get enough grief about what an ego I've got. But... I almost came when I, um you... walked in the door. And not only that..."

"Xena? More than I needed to know. Less talk, more action?">

"Okay, play has resumed, and it would appear that Amphipolis has elected to receive!"

"I see that, Sal. I didn't hear any whistle, but it must be the end of the first quarter because they're changing ends."

"I'm a little disappointed, Bob. I think many of the fans are beginning to wonder whether Amphipolis really came here to win."

"But she wins if she comes!"

"Bob. You're a pig."

"Thank you Sal, I think it's all in the amount of playing time the coach gives them."

"What?"

"That's a good question Sal, so we're going to go down to the field of play, and see if we can talk to either of the participants..."

"Well, Sally and Bob, if I can just crawl over the discarded armor pieces to ask Xena and Gabrielle.... it may take me a moment to get their attention, they seem to be completely absorbed in the action, but, yes, I think, yes, Gabrielle? Can we... OH MY GOD'S PLEASE NOT MY ................

Perhaps I should flash a sign saying something about technical difficulties? Nah. They seemed to have everything in hand.

This is page NINE? Let's wrap this Up!

Dum dedum dum

Dum dedum dum DUM!!!

Seraphin was convicted of attempted fraud. Her sentence was commuted when her fiancé was elected Head Reeve for Potadaia. He was reelected three times, and with the help of his adoring wife brought many reforms to the village including woman's shelters, equal education, and free varnishings for seniors.

Lila was convicted of being inconsequential and sentenced to season six.

Drock and the surviving boys escaped and eventually formed the World Wrestling Federation

Tim the Enchanter, under the usual sentence of death for nearly harming a hair on Gabrielle's body, was convinced to leave his bachai bunny/stump blowing operation and told to head to Potadaia where he was told he would find the perfect assistant

(You have to figure that the only thing that would stop Arachnia from continuing to try to be Athena's Chosen would be the opportunity to blow lots of stuff up and hunt for a wascally Wabbitt on the side, right? because:

"The coyote represents Santayana's definition of a fanatic. One who redoubles his effort once he's forgotten his aims."

-Chuck Jones

Just trying to educate the masses. Sorry about that. Won't happen again.

But that was all later. Meanwhile... back in the root cellar? After one last terrifying, but still guttural shriek that had all the villagers cowering in their homes, there was a bright light, and then silence. Then some very soft voices murmured for a while.

Eventually Gabrielle staggered outside with her still dazed partner, and nearly stumbled upon a certain couple of dolts lying on the ground, which seemed to indicate they were still unconscious. They dragged them indoors and began to change out of their somewhat torn and shredded clothes.

"So Eve stays with my Mom for a bit, right? You're okay with that? Shouldn't you feed her first?"

Stifflegged, Xena carried their saddlebags outside to where Argo was waiting. "First time you've ever asked that." She called over her shoulder.

"Well, I didn't know." Gabrielle blurted. "You know, if I could still breast feed, I would."

Holding herself up with the saddlehorn, Xena threw back casually. "Good. I was planning on you doing that anyway with or without Eve. I think you also once told me you'd have the baby, and nice as the thought was..." She shut her mouth quickly. Staggered back inside to her love. "Gabrielle? Umm. You really would, wouldn't you?"

Gabrielle's eyes were clear and open. "Of course I would."

Xena sighed. "Gabrielle, I...I knew that. I really did, but... I'm sorry. For being an ass. I'm still shutting you out, and closing off, and figuring emotions are your job."

Gabrielle reached up and put her hand on her warrior's shoulder. "We're not the same. I don't want to be Xena any more. You do it too well." They both grinned. Gabrielle continued "We are different and I'm glad we are, Love. 'Tis a long road that knows no turning."

"You just make that up?"

"Yup."

They exchanged a long kiss and the hand trailed a little lower. "Xena, about the moustache? Don't read too much into that, okay? I've always seen this body as being completely feminine."

Xena laughed and grabbed the smaller woman in a hug, but while spinning around they almost stumbled over the bodies on the ground. Gabrielle hung her head.

"Oh God's. I almost forgot about Arachnia. And Joxer. What are we supposed to do about them?"

Xena coughed. "We are NOT escorting them anywhere. We're taking time off, remember? You're going to write, and I'm going to be ravished a few more times."

Gabrielle grinned. "I'm just checking. Are you sure it's safe to leave Arachnia with Joxer?"

The warrior had to think for a moment. "OH! You're worried about what Arachnia told you? Athena's curse? You're afraid she might transform into some giant spider and start chewing on his testicles? Hah. That's assuming she could even find them."

"Please. No. The deal with Athena was that Arachnia only did it to her mate, so I guess he's safe enough. Darn it." Gabrielle gritted her teeth and gazed at the face so close to hers. "Xena? The moustache. I want you to know, I really am sorry."

Xena placed both hands on her lover's shoulders. "It's okay, love, It's already wearing off, so I think we should just forget it, and move on."

"REALLY?" Gabrielle said suddenly suspicious. "No paybacks?" She took a step back. "Who are you and what have you done with my Xena?""

Xena replied earnestly. "After all we've just learned, I really think we should try to rise above petty things like paybacks, don't you?"

Gabrielle looked at her partner and placed a hand on her forehead. Xena's expression was bland and open. "Are you sure you're all right?" Gabrielle asked. "You're not feeling feverish..."

Xena answer was disarmingly sweet. "I think that some of your forgiveness has finally rubbed off on me."

Gabrielle saddled up, but continued to look at her partner skeptically.

Joxer continued to pretend to be unconscious (his strong suit, IMHO) until they rode off. He was still picturing Gab's naked bottom poised over him as she had changed. He wondered when Xena had found the time to get someone to write on those perfect cheeks. In two separate columns descending down the buttocks, Gabrielle's butt had read, in permanent ink, and large black letters, "PROPERTY OF.... and beside it, IF FOUND, PLEASE RETURN TO...

His angle hadn't been enough to read the signature he was sure was at the, ah, base. "X really does mark the spot." he drooled. His companion moaned and opened her eyes.

Arachnia looked about her in confusion. "My head....I... What happened? Where am I? Who are you?"

Joxer blinked and then tried to seem concerned. "Don't you recognize me?"

Arachnia looked at him helplessly "I... I don't remember anything! I don't think I know who I am, Nothing!!"

Joxer couldn't believe his good fortune.

"Are you in luck! I just happen to be THE expert in recovering lost memories!"

Arachnia tried to focus on his face. "But who are you?"

A confident and greedy smile split the Joxer's face. "Silly, don't you remember anything? I'm your HUSBAND!"

Arachnia felt a small pain inside her mouth, and grimaced. A strange desire took hold of her, and a smile forced its way onto her face.

"Oh good." Joxer blinked. Her voice seemed lower, and she was changing somehow. She continued to speak as she moved towards him. " Because I think I could really use one right now...."

Xena pulled Argo to a halt and raised her hand. "Did you hear something?"

Gabrielle listened and shook her head. "Like what?"

The warrior shrugged. "I don't know. Screaming, cartilage crunching. That sort of thing."

Gabrielle shook her head after a moment. "Nope."

They rode on. "So why don't you want to stay with these Amazons? And what do you mean by '90210'?"

See? It really was a nice day.

<Hehehe>