Jewl opened blue eyes to an almost dark room, slowly looking around at the unfamiliar surroundings. She was confused and slightly disoriented; the darkness was not helping. Sure that she'd had the most horrible dream ever, she sat up slowly. In the dream, Joseph had died, leaving her all alone and pregnant. The last thing in the dream she remembered, was a pain unlike any she'd experienced, and then she woke up. She felt different, lighter somehow, and she reached down with a hand towards her stomach and looked down. Her paunch was practically gone, and her eyes widened in panic. Where is my baby? She thought frantically, her breathing increasingly panicked.

Jewl looked around the room and took in the familiar surroundings. "Hello!" She called out, pulling the covers away from her lap. Trying to stand up, she nearly cried out at the pain on her hips and between her legs. Finally succeeding, she took what felt like baby steps towards the door. Bent over, a hand at her stomach, she reached for the doorknob. Opening the door and using it for support at the same time, she slipped out into the hallway. The sparsely lit hallway lights informed Jewl that it was the middle of the night.

Looking down to the left, Jewl could see the nurses' desk. A nurse sat there, looking down at something in front of her, obviously unaware of Jewl's emergence from her room. Shaking unruly hair away from her eyes, Jewl looked to her right. She was shocked to find Billie sitting on one of the couches in the hallway, her head leaning back against the wall, her hands resting on her thighs. She was obviously sleeping, and the darkness under eyes attested to her tiredness.

Jewl wondered what she was doing here, right outside her room. She and Billie had not had a civilized conversation in as long as she could remember. But she needed to know what happened with her baby, and where Joseph was. Slowly, she walked over to Billie and touched her shoulder. Billie jumped high into the air in surprise, landing back on the couch with a dull thud. She looked around frantically, tired eyes finally coming to rest on Jewl. "What are you doing out here? You should be in bed." She whispered hoarsely, taking a deep calming breath.

Jewl watched as she stood up, her clothes rumpled as if she'd been wearing them for days. "Why am I here? What happened to my baby? How long have I been here?" She whispered, allowing Billie to take her arm and carefully guide her into her room. "Where's Joseph? Where's Lorna?" The questions came like rapid fire, the confusion in her muddled brain forming them. She obeyed when Billie urged her onto the bed.

"One thing at a time." Billie said gently, her tone catching Jewl off-guard. She sat at the foot of the bed, bringing her hands to her face and rubbing the sleep from her eyes. "You gave birth to a baby boy, and you've been here for almost a week. He's fine." She said without preamble, her eyes never leaving Jewl's face.

Jewl's eyes widened, her hands cupping her stomach. She didn't pause to think that Billie was being extremely nice to her, considering their past transgressions. "A boy." She whispered, swallowing hard against the flourishing tightness in her chest. "Why isn't Joseph here instead of you?"

Bewildered, Billie's looked into Jewl's eyes. "You don't remember." She said softly and Jewl shook her head. She swallowed hard, and looked away as tears filled her eyes. "I'm so sorry, Jewl, but Joseph…" She couldn't continue, the lump in her throat forming again. She didn't want to be the one giving this type of news, to anybody.

"He's gone, isn't he?" Jewl whispered; she knew it instinctively. Her heart felt like it was going to explode. It was too much. "It wasn't a bad dream. It was real…" Her hands quivered as she brought them up to her head, each hand closing around a fistful of hair. "Joseph!" She whispered. In her sorrow, she was unaware of gentle arms tentatively slipping around her and pulling her face to a comforting shoulder.



Billie stepped out of the hospital room a long time later, running a trembling hand through her hair as she leaned against the wall. Jewl had finally fallen asleep after hours of tears, small hands clutching at the back of Billie's shirt. Billie never imagined there would be a moment when she'd be holding Jewl in her arms again, with her hair pressing against her face, her scent invading her senses all over again. The fact that Jewl was suffering Joseph's death gave her a new understanding of Jewl's relationship with him. While not exactly romantic, Jewl had come to love Joseph even more in their time together.

The fact they had sex was what confused Billie more. Jewl had never had sex with a man before or during her relationship with Billie, of that Billie was sure. It was obvious that after she and Billie had the break up, the rules had changed. It was hard to comprehend, but she understood why Jewl trusted Joseph enough to sleep with him. He was the sweetest man alive, understanding and gentle, just like his dad. John Marquee had been like a father to Billie, even sticking up for her once in a while when Susan Jordan had taken things too far. He looked after her like he was her father, taking over for the man that had never been there for Billie.

Billie closed her eyes as a tear spilled down her cheek. She wondered what made her volunteer to stay at the hospital in case Jewl woke up. Lorna needed to be at her son's wake and to make the arrangements for his burial at the family plot, and Johanna wanted to keep the despairing mother company. Billie knew that they were both surprised when she said she'd stay with Jewl, but was grateful that they did not make a big deal about it. Billie was even more surprised to realize that whatever animosity she had once felt against Jewl was gone, and the sympathy she felt for her was something new.

Even when Jewl had been hospitalized for overdosing on those pills, a voice inside Billie's head kept telling her that Jewl didn't deserve her worry, or her sympathy. The annoying voice kept telling her that all Jewl deserved was her hate, that Jewl had been selfish in expecting Billie to be with her when she wouldn't even come out to the people that mattered. That thought brought back memories of Jewl before her father died. Jewl had told her many times what her father had said about "fags and dykes", as he'd put it. He had put so much shit in her head those last few months of his life, and Billie had blamed her for being frightened of coming out.

She shook her head and ran a hand through her hair, sighing. She would think about this later. As if on cue to her departing thoughts, Johanna and Lorna appeared down the hallway. Billie looked at her watch, surprised to find that it was already eight o'clock in the morning. Her lover and Lorna looked like they hadn't slept a wink the whole night, and Billie knew it to be true. The town had gone into mourning after the news of Joseph's death had gotten around, and Billie was sure Lorna had gotten many visitors during the night as she waked her son's body.

Lorna went over to Billie and hugged her, placing a kiss on her forehead. Without saying a word, she went into Jewl's room. She had been like that for days, not speaking much. The most she had spoken was to her grandson, welcoming him to the world with tears in her eyes. She had held him close and gently whispered to him that she would never let him grow without knowing about his father. Billie had fought tears as she listened to Lorna, wishing that her mother had talked to her about her father, knowing what it would be like not knowing about him.

Johanna took Billie's hand in hers and squeezed gently, sighing when Billie took her into her arms and hugged her. They held each other for a long time. Billie realized how much she had missed holding Johanna in her arms and she squeezed her gently. "I missed you." She whispered into her ear.

"And I missed you." Johanna returned, her hands cupping Billie's head in her hands as her fingers sifted through the silky hair at her temples. She looked up into her lover's tired eyes. "Did you sleep at all?"

Billie shook her head, looking down at Johanna's sleepy eyes. "Only about a half-hour," She said. At Johanna's questioning look, Billie continued: "Jewl woke up in the middle of the night." She grunted, her eyes closing tiredly, when Johanna's fingers moved to caress the back of her head and neck. "She thought it was all a dream. I don't think she took the truth too well. She cried most of the night and I didn't know what to do."

Johanna was shocked that Billie had been there for Jewl, but she did not show it. "I'm sure you did the right thing. Did you call a doctor?" She asked gently.

Billie shook her head, looking up into Johanna's eyes once again. "I just held her." She said softly, leaning forward and pressing her forehead against Johanna's. "She needed someone to hold her, and I was there."

Johanna smiled gently. "You don't have to explain." She assured her. "I'm glad that you're trying to put the past behind you." She pressed her lips against Billie's, kissing her softly and gently. She felt Billie respond, her strong arms tightening around Johanna. Sighing, she pulled her lips away gently. "I really missed that."

Billie smiled gently at her lover, understanding what she meant. "I did too." She whispered, feeling more tears gathering behind her eyes. After a long moment, she said thickly: "I love you!"

Johanna could tell Billie was about to cry, and she pressed her lips against hers again. "I love you too." She said against Billie's mouth, the salt of Billie's tears mingling with the sweet taste of her mouth.

Chapter Six

She had been a shy ten year old when she had first met Billie and Joseph. Both were the most outgoing kids in school, though the other kids kind of feared them, and at the same time loved them. It wasn't that they were bullies, but upon first looking at them, it was obvious they were a formidable force. Joseph had been big even then, with shoulders larger than any other boy's. Billie had been big too, for a girl; on the skinny side, but strong. Her shoulders were wide too, though not as much as Joseph's and she had legs that could get her anywhere fast.

Bobby Downey had picked on Jewl from the moment he first laid eyes on her, sensing her shyness and loneliness, and his friends provided chorus for him. She remembered the day she, Billie and Joseph had first become friends like it had been just yesterday. She had been watching Billie and Joseph playing a crude version of softball with the other kids, the bright sun reflecting off their blond and light red hair. They were so beautiful even then.

Bobbi had been banned from the game for kicking a second grader in the shin for tagging him out. Kicking at the ground dejectedly, he searched for something to entertain him for the rest of lunch period. His eyes brightened as he caught sight of Jewl, who sat alone against the fence, staring at Billie and Joseph. Her smile widened as Billie hit a fastball. He walked up and flopped down half on top of her.

"Leave me alone!" She exclaimed instantly, pushing him away and moving to get up.

He reached out and grabbed a handful of her hair, pulling her towards him as she squawked. "You have nice hair." He said, a smirk full in place. She cried out as he yanked harder, pulling her closer.

"Let her go." A young voice said.

Jewl looked up to find Billie standing there, staring down at them. She skittered away when Bobby obeyed and let her go. With tearful eyes, she watched Joseph approach and Bobbie walk away, fear in his eyes. From that moment, the three had been inseparable.

?

"She's been like that for three days." Lorna said quietly, holding Jewl's sleeping son in her arms. She couldn't take her eyes away from him or get over the fact that he looked just as Joseph had as a newborn. The nurse had brought him into Jewl's room everyday and Lorna took care of him. Every time, she placed him on the bed next to the impassive Jewl and looked after them.

Johanna sat on a chair by the window, stroking her large stomach, staring into Jewl's eyes. The young woman's blue eyes were open, staring and shiny. Johanna could see some semblance of awareness there, almost as if Jewl was aware of what was happening but was trying to will her mind to go somewhere else. She smiled slightly at her in sympathy, and caught a slight movement of Jewl's eyes as the younger woman seemed to look away.

"Lorna," Johanna said, looking away and struggling to her feet. Out of breath, a hand on her aching lower back, she walked slowly around the bed towards Lorna. "Why don't you go home and rest for a little while?" She asked, looking down at Jewl and Joseph's son. He's so beautiful. "I'll stay here with Jewl and the baby."

Lorna, eyes anguished, looked up at Johanna. "What if she returns from wherever she's gone? I should be here." She asked softly. "What about the baby?"

Johanna smiled down at her friend reassuringly, coughing softly. The past few days had obviously taken their toll on the new grandmother. After her son's burial, Lorna had parked herself at the hospital and hardly ever left. She stayed by her daughter-in-law's side and stubbornly refused to leave, when Billie or Johanna offered to stay in her place. Her hair, usually coiffed and neat, was unfastened around her shoulders, and deeper wrinkles had taken residence over her features. Her skin was pale and her eyes had a blank look most of the time, almost as if she couldn't believe this was happening to her.



"I'll be here, Lorna," Johanna whispered gently, a steadying hand on the older woman's shoulder. "You won't be any good to them if you collapse. At least go and take a shower, lie down for an hour, and then come back."

Lorna looked down at her grandson again, bringing him up slightly and kissing his forehead. She handed the child to Johanna, who cooed gently at him and rocked him as his grandmother got her stuff together. Johanna returned to sit at her chair, rocking the baby gently. He slept on peacefully in her arms, small fist pressed against her chest. Looking up from his beautiful hair, her eyes met Jewl's.

The woman was looking at them blankly, still lying in the same position. Johanna smiled at her again, and was glad when Jewl did not look away. "You know, I absolutely understand how you feel." She whispered, continuing to rock the sleeping infant. "Joseph was such a gentle man, and sweet. You just couldn't help but love him. And he loved you so much, Jewl." She felt a tear slip down her cheek just as Jewl's eyes filled with tears. "He wouldn't want you to suffer, what happened wasn't your fault."

Jewl's eyes closed and the tears slid from them. Johanna could see her throat bob as Jewl eyes' opened again. Struggling to her feet again, careful of the baby, Johanna made her way towards the bed. "This is your son, and he needs you." She whispered gently, laying the baby down on the bed next to his mother.

A soft sob escaped Jewl's lips as she lifted her head and began to kiss her son's forehead repeatedly. Her heart felt the size of the universe at the sight of the delicate little human that was a part of her. She had wanted to be somewhere else, to forget about Joseph and the fact that he was not in this world any longer, but the proximity of her son made it difficult. She felt Johanna's hand on her head pushing her hair back from her forehead soothingly. Jewl looked up at her, tears in her eyes.

Johanna smiled at her again, reassuring her without words. "Just hold him, and love him," She whispered. "That's all he needs."



A while later, sitting up on her bed, Jewl held the baby in her arms, gazing down at him in wonder. She was conscious of Johanna sitting at the foot of the bed, her presence surprising and at the same time comforting. From time to time, she found her eyes lifting from her son and studying the pregnant woman curiously. That Johanna was there in the hospital room with her, comforting her, was shocking to her now that she allowed more thoughts to enter her mind.

Johanna was waiting for her eyes with a ready smile. "What are you going to name him?" She asked gently.

Jewl looked down at her son again, swallowing hard. "Joseph," She whispered, her voice hoarse from being long unused. "Daniel Joseph Marquee."

Johanna's smile grew, and she rubbed her large stomach again. She nodded slowly. "Joseph would have loved that." She assured Jewl. She watched Jewl struggle to contain tears, and fought tears of her own.

She's so beautiful and gentle, Jewl thought somewhat bitterly, no wonder Billie got over me so fast. "I'm surprised you're here," Jewl said in a low voice. "I was surprised Billie was here that night." She wondered if Billie had ever told Johanna about their long-finished affair.

Johanna moved her head from side to side, her eyes never leaving Jewl's. "I know you and I have never had as much as a conversation, and that you and Billie have some unfinished business, but I also know that it has nothing to do with me." She said after a long moment. "I hope that we can become friends now. This is a moment in which you need a friend and I'm willing to be that friend, Jewl. Whatever happened between you and Billie would never have a factor in this."

Jewl was now sure that Johanna knew that she and Billie had once been in love. "Alright," She whispered, nodding slowly. "Won't it bother her?"

Johanna smiled gently. "Billie doesn't dictate my life, just as I don't dictate hers." She assured Jewl.

Jewl couldn't help but smile back at Johanna, even if she felt sad. Daniel began to fuzz in her arms, turning red as he began to search for his mother's breast. At a loss, Jewl stared at Johanna. "I don't know what to do." She whispered, just as the infant began to wail.

Johanna smiled; she recognized the downright scary wail from the many times Daniel had been hungry in the past few days. "He's hungry." She said. "I think he's looking for your breast."

Blushing, Jewl looked down. Sure enough, her son was trying to suck through her hospital gown. Leaning forward, she brought the gown down over her shoulder, cringing at the volume of her son's wails. That someone hadn't come running in, thinking that she was killing him, was a wonder to her. He quieted as soon as he found her nipple, and proceeded to suckle with all his might. Grimacing in pain, Jewl watched him, feeling her heart bloom at the sight of him. "My son," She whispered, closing her eyes to hold his image in her mind forever.



A soft knock on the door made both women look up, and seconds later, the door slipped open. Billie poked her head in, her eyes widening at the sight of Jewl holding her nursing son. She was a mess, her hair all over the place, the bags under her eyes pronounced, but the new mother still looked beautiful. Slipping the rest of her body into the hospital room, she looked over at Johanna, trying not to blush at the sight of Jewl's exposed breast. Walking over, she leaned down, kissing Johanna's lips gently.

She stood back up and looked over at Jewl, who was gazing down at her son as he nursed, a soft smile illuminating classic features. She felt Johanna's hand slip into hers and she squeezed. "Motherhood suits you," Billie said hesitantly, feeling Johanna's hand squeeze back.

Jewl glanced up, eyes luminous with still unshed tears. Taking a deep shaky breath, she nodded slowly. "Thank you," she whispered, quickly returning her attention to her son.

Billie fidgeted uncomfortably. "Where's Lorna?" She asked. She shoved her free hand into her pocket, gazing at the baby. His hair was a deep red, his skin creamy like his father's. His wrinkled forehead and red eyebrows worked as he sucked on his mother's breast, his unfocused blue eyes looking up towards his mother. He was beautiful.

Johanna squeezed her hand again. "I finally convinced her to go home and freshen up. She should be back soon." She answered, her eyes still on the baby. She couldn't wait to have her own baby in her arms. She could see the love in Jewl's eyes, the devotion already evident. The new mother couldn't take her eyes away from her son, her free hand caressing his head, or squeezing his tiny hand gently.

Lorna opened the door to the room, taking in the three women. Her eyes filled with tears at the sight of Jewl holding her son in her arms, and Jewl's eyes filled at the sight of her mother-in-law. Lorna looked drawn, older than she had ever looked, and as if she was missing something important in her soul.

Billie and Johanna watched as Lorna walked to the bed and took her daughter-in-law into her arms. When the women began to cry quietly into each other's shoulders, Johanna stood and pulled Billie out of the room, wanting to give them a little privacy.

Billie stopped Johanna as she made to pull her towards the elevators. "Wait."

Johanna turned to look at her lover, question in her eyes. "Come on, let's go home."

Billie could see that Johanna was tired; the circles under her eyes were more pronounced, her skin pale. "Are you alright?" Billie asked softly, pulling Johanna closer. "Maybe we should go see Terrence, since we're here."

Johanna sighed, looking at her lover. The past week had been hard, and the last thing in Johanna's mind had been going to see Terrence. Johanna had to admit that she had been feeling very tired, and she'd been wondering just what was helping her stay on her feet. "I just want to go home for a little while. I want to rest."

Billie nodded, biting her lower lip. "I know, baby," She said, her voice low. "But we've been very careless with this. For my peace of mind, let's just see him for a few minutes. He's in his office now." She met Johanna's eyes.

Johanna took a deep breath, unable to resist her lover. Billie was number one in her life, and when she was upset, or worried, - as she obviously was now, - Johanna always wanted to make her feel better. She had to admit that when Joseph had offered her the help towards getting pregnant, she'd jumped at the chance, and hadn't worried about potential medical problems. And the fact that she'd waited almost five months before even going to see Terrence had been worrying Billie for quite a bit. Releasing her breath, she nodded. "Okay, let's go."

?

After as thorough a check as he could make at the late hour, Terrence sat back on his chair, looking down at Johanna's file. He waited while Billie helped Johanna get dressed again.

Convincing Johanna to change for the checkup had been a trial. He'd never known her to be so stubborn, and he attributed it to the pregnancy. That she was abnormally large brought some suspicions to him, though he'd seen many a pregnancy that was more water than baby. He would insist she come the next day for a real check up with Tommy Martinez, the OBGYN.

After both women were settled, he studied them both. They seemed to be as tired and sad as he felt, and he noticed the bags under both their eyes. "You both look tired, so I'll be quick." He said, his voice uncharacteristically subdued. It was obvious to both women that loosing their friend was taking a toll on the doctor too.

"Your pressure is a little high," He began, looking at Johanna. At Billie's instant look of concern, he said: "It's an occurrence during pregnancy, don't worry, Billie. We just have to keep an eye on that. I suspect you have anemia too, Johanna." He said firmly, pausing for a beat. "You have to take many precautions to prevent these types of things when you're pregnant."

Johanna nodded, feeling Billie's hand grasp hers. "Okay."

"I want you to come back tomorrow. Bright and early," He said, again firm, his face serious. "You're in charge of that, Billie. A pregnancy is nothing to play with, for the mother, or for the child." Or children…


Continued in part XIV



Katia N. Ruiz


Katia N. Ruiz