Disclimer: Xena and all her friends (except Marty) are owned by rich and powerful people from Renissance Pictures, and NOT me. I am making NO MONEY from this. I would greatly apreciate it if those rich and powerful people would not sue me. Thank you. 

If Dr. Seus Wrote Xena: Warrior Princess

Gabrielle: Where are we going to today? Some place that's close or far away? Will we stop evil on our way? Or find a quiet place to stay?

Xena: Dear Gabrielle, you stress me out. You know what this trip's all about. How did you get here anyway? I thought you'd died and gone away.

Gabrielle: Yes, it was cool how I returned. Still in one piece, but slightly burned.

Xena: Yeah, you told me during the credits, a part cut out by those dumb edits. And they cut off a kiss in Quest!

Gabrielle: I'm sure that it was for the best. But I must protest this green top! It's shedding and it just wont stop.

Xena: Let's stop this silly poem now. We're where we're going anyhow.

Gabrielle: The isle of Lesbos in the sea? They won't let you go there with me!

Xena: Gabrielle, my dear you're wrong. They still owe us for King Con!

Gabrielle: But, Xena love, we have no boat! And I don't think Argo will float!

Xena: Not to worry, gal of mine! I'll build a boat from twigs and vines!

But just as Xena starts to build, some thugs show up from the Robbers Guild!

Gabrielle: Xena! They have swords and knives!

Robber: Run I say, run for your lives! I'm a good shot I rarely miss!

Xena: We really don't have time for this!

Gabrielle: I don't really wanna get cut? it's time to kick some robber butt!

So Xena fights with sword and whip, (all the while, building her ship.)

And with the robbers scared away, our heros now have won the day.

Xena: There Gabrielle, I've built a boat.

Gabrielle: Oh dear Gods, I hope it floats.

Xena: You an' me, an' Argo too! Sailing is the thing to do!

So they sail on and on, arriving by the purple dawn?

Xena: We've traversed the waters wide!

Gabrielle: But I left my scrolls on the other side!

Xena: Why did you leave your scrolls behind? Are you mad? Are you loosing your mind?

Gabrielle: I guess I just forgot them there, left them behind without a care. Well I suppose we should go back? a pity those thugs had to attack.

Xena: Hey Gab! I know what's happening here! This event has made it clear!

Gabrielle: Your just paranoid. Now let's go!

Xena: It's the writers ruining the show!

Gabrielle: What do you mean ruining the show? Pssst you should be more careful you know. What if they heard you say things like that? Do you want to get cancelled, fade to black?

Xena: They wont cancel us, this I know. Lesbians always watch this show!

Gabrielle: What to do with this information? It puts a damper on our vacation.

Xena: Let's just ignore them and go on. What else could possibly go wrong?

But just as our heros were drawing near, another obstacle did appear.

Gabrielle: Look! It's Callisto, back from the dead!

Xena: Hey! No more living! That's what I said!

Callisto: Well hello Xena and Gabrielle, you'll see that I've escaped from hell. Don?t worry, I don't plan to stay. I've just come to scare you away.

Gabrielle: We'll take you with us on our quest.

Xena: C'mon Cally, you need a rest.

Callisto: Well? I suppose that I could go? better be sunny, I don't like snow.

Our heros, our villain, and our horse, charge on and on of course.

Gabrielle: Um? that sign says "Emerald City!"

Xena: We took a wrong turn!

Callisto: Such a pity.

Emerald city! Not the isle! It makes those evil writers smile!

Xena: I curse this Isle and this sea! And I curse you!

Callisto: And I curse me!

Gabrielle: Surely there is another way!

Xena: I think we're lost for good now?

Argo: Neigh!!

Callisto: Well this vacation really bites! Why didn't I stay home tonight?

Xena: Say, I know what to do right now! I know just when we'll win and how. Do you still have your magic scroll?

Gabrielle: I left it with the others.

Xena: Oh.

Gabrielle: But I have a nice fresh new one!

Callisto: Have you a pink one? Or a blue one?

Xena: That nice new scroll might just do it. Write an ending! And get to it!

So Gabrielle slaves away, from purple dawn until mid-day.

Gabrielle: Okay team I've got it done.

Callisto: Oooh! This looks like lots of fun.

Gabrielle: Ahem? Xena, Gab, and Cally too, found the isle on the waters blue. They traveled on through day and night, without a single soul to fight. When at Emerald City they arrived, a clever plan they contrived. They changed the sign to say Lesbo's Center, and then they all were free to enter!

So Gabs and Xena changed the sign, and went in with Cally right behind? and joined in the Lesbo party!

Callisto: Hey look, there's a guy named Marty!

And they met up with all their buddies, with Meg, and Ephiny?

Xena: Ain't she cuddly?

And so they did party all night and all day, and so they did shimmy and disco and sway, with all the guest stars from previous shows, and too many people to count on ones toes?

And they danced without ratings, they danced without writers, they danced without production or cigarette lighters.

On the isle of Lesbos out in the sea, in this Xena episode written by me.