Who Saves the Hero by Kudara

Who Saves the Hero - Chapter 20

Normandy - Deck 5 Workout Area

Shepard stepped out of the elevator and headed toward the stairwell going down to the hanger bay where the interior left corner was set up with exercise equipment. It was actually rather ingenious what the Cerberus engineers had done to create a multi-use space. The exercise machines in the back corner of the bay all folded up neatly into the bulkhead walls in case more cargo space was needed and the metal flooring was covered with a durable foam mat that could be folded up and stored out of the way. Three were multi-exercise, resistance based, fitness gyms, two were treadmills, and the last was a stomach/back exercise machine for doing sit-ups and back lifts.

She wondered if she would find Samara there as she had yesterday morning. The justicar had lost no time familiarizing herself with the ship, and it had been a welcome surprise to find the asari already working out the previous morning. She knew that Samara was up, when she had went to the mess hall for a light snack and energy drink Rupert had informed her that the asari had asked for the same thing about fifteen minutes ago and then departed as soon as she had finished them. From the sound of it Samara ate like Shepard, preferring to have several smaller meals over the day rather than three larger meals. Creating mass effect fields used more than just biotic energy, and biotics had a substantially higher daily caloric requirement than non-biotics.

As she stepped into the hanger bay, Shepard heard the sound of a weight machine being used. "Good morning," she greeted Samara as soon as she came around a stack of crates and caught sight of the asari, who was wearing black leggings and a dark blue tank top and was currently doing lateral pulldown exercises at one of the machines. As the previous morning, the asari was not wearing the metallic symbols denoting that she was a justicar. Shepard had asked about them yesterday as they worked out together. Samara had confirmed that the symbols were a visible mark that she was a justicar, and that yes, they also symbolized the justicar's ancient roots as an order dedicated to the service of the asari Goddess, Athame. Samara had been surprised that Shepard had been able to make that connection until the Spectre mentioned that she had noticed their similarity to the headdress Matriarch Benezia had worn during their confrontation, and that she had known Lady Benezia was a priestess of Athame.

The justicar glanced over at her, the asari's pale blue eyes examining her closely for a second before Samara returned the greeting, "Good morning Shepard. You did not have a restful sleep?"

Shepard guessed that was the justicar's way of saying she looked tired this morning, no great surprise considering her restless sleep. "Late night and some pretty strange dreams," she paused, and then admitted, "at least I think they were strange. I can't say I really remember much of them morning. You'd think with those drell neurochemicals floating around in my brain I would, but dreams don't seem to work that way. I do feel as though I made some progress with my meditation assignment, however," she said on a more upbeat note, "enough to make me feel like maybe I'm getting somewhere with it."

Samara motioned for her to come closer with an elegant wave of her hand. Considering that the asari was currently dressed in workout clothing and sitting astraddle an exercise bench, Shepard found it rather interesting that the justicar managed to still be so regal. Shepard obediently closed the distance between them, moving from the edge of the mat to take a seat on the exercise machine bench next to Samara. "You are correct your aura has shifted back towards what it was before we found the prothean memory," the asari confirmed after a moment.

"But it's not all the way back," Shepard sighed, finishing what had been left unsaid.

Samara gave her a slightly reproving look, "No, but it is an encouraging sign given that you have only spent one evening in meditation." The justicar's gaze narrowed on her for a long moment, "Shepard, you will do yourself or us no good if you exhaust yourself attempting to accomplish this in only a few days," her tone was stern.

Shepard straightened in a sharp move and then clenched her jaw on her instinctive reply. Stopping herself from retorting that Samara was not the one in command here and shouldn't be trying to tell her what was important and worth her time and what wasn't. She could see that Samara noticed her reaction, not surprising given the obviousness of it. The asari simply regarded her calmly, apparently quite willing to patiently wait until she decided how she was going to respond. Damn if this wasn't an example of what a few centuries of experience could do for your equanimity, thought Shepard ruefully. If she hadn't been so tired....but then that proved the justicar's point didn't it? With her dreams and memories still waking her at least two to three times a week, which was thankfully much less than they had in the beginning, she had gotten used to operating on a less than an optimal amount of sleep. While that was fine for a short period of time, it wasn't the best habit for a commander to get into, especially not with a mission this critical.

As for the nature of the relationship between Samara and her, so much had happened between them in the two days since the justicar had agreed to join her mission that it was already more than just one of commander and subordinate. In fact, in many ways it felt quite the opposite. The justicar was the experienced one helping her find the prothean memories locked away within her mind, and teaching her how to meditate so that she didn't lose her identity to them.

From the very beginning, the balance of power between them had been more one of two equals than anything else. Shepard didn't feel as if she could suddenly throw on her command mask and tell Samara she was out of line for daring to point out that Shepard was tired, and honestly she didn't want to. It felt good to have someone else besides Dr. Chakwas who could remind her of these things without actually challenging her authority. Samara didn't need Shepard to be her commander, not like Garrus and Tali needed it. She could occasionally be weak around them, but overall Garrus and Tali needed her to be the strong and confident commander for them. Even Dr. Chakwas needed it, what was it the doctor had called her? Their immovable center, that didn't leave her a lot of freedom to show more than a certain amount of weakness and doubt before it started impacting on the doctor's confidence in her leadership.

Really, out of everyone on the ship only Samara and perhaps Mordin didn't need her to be their commander in order to follow her. Samara would follow because she believed the Reapers existed and like Shepard knew they had to be stopped. Mordin would follow because he was doing something necessary, and because he had interesting scientific puzzles to solve and a well equipped lab to solve them in. With Garrus, Tali, Dr. Chakwas, and Joker she was both friend and commander, all four of them looked to her for leadership and support and in return she had their loyalty and support. Miranda, Jacob, the two former Alliance engineers Ken and Gabby, and the colonial Cerberus crewmembers required her to consistently be the commander with them, their loyalties were divided and she had to prove to them that her way was better than the Illusive Man's. Grunt both looked to her for guidance and watched her to judge how strong she was as his leader. Jack and Zaeed required her to be the commander in order for them to follow her. Zaeed would give her grief and began disobeying her if she faltered, and Jack would probably just jump ship and disappear. As for Thane, she didn't know him well enough yet to even guess what he needed of her if anything.

No, Samara didn't need her to be the commander, and that was so very valuable when so many seemed to need so much from her that she barely had enough hours in the day to do what she needed to do for them and herself, as well as devote enough time to prepare to take on the Collectors and figure out how to counter the Illusive Man.

Shepard realized she was absentmindedly studying the traction marks embossed into the top of the dark grey foam flooring, sometime during her moment of introspective reflection her gaze had dropped to the floor. Shepard raised her head, her light grey eyes meeting Samara's pale blue ones, "You're right, thank you," she said quietly. There was a flicker of surprise there; apparently the asari had expected her react negatively even after thinking her response over.

"Shepard, I would not have spoken if it was not important," Samara explained, matching the human's quiet tone. "If you are tired, your meditations will not be as beneficial to you as they would be otherwise. And I would not have mentioned it if there were other crew-members with us."

Shepard nodded, "I appreciate your concern and honesty as well as your discretion."

Samara inclined her head in an elegant movement, and then after a moment when the human didn't say anything else reached up for the bar above her head and began her exercises once again. Shepard watched her for a few seconds and then turned her attention to her omni-tool, activating it. True to her word Miranda had sent her the exercise program the Cerberus operative had developed last night. Shepard wanted to try it out this morning, see what she could learn about the limits of her new body.

Shepard hadn't only explored her own memories last night; she had also explored Eriathwen's memories of her coming to acceptance of her cybernetic hand. The prothean had been right in assuming she would adapt quickly. A few months more and Eriathwen was barely thinking about it any longer. The prothean woman had developed her new body image, one which included her cybernetic hand. Shepard suspected that if she weren't continually reminded of how different both her body and her mind were now, as opposed to the way she had been before her death, that she would be closer to accepting her new body as well. Still, it seemed reasonable to assume that eventually she would get used to the new her and everything would stop feeling strange. Instead it would simply be her new normal... her new body image. Shepard hoped that if she could define exactly what her new normal was, if she knew what the limits were of her new body, it might make getting to that point easier for her. Even if it didn't, then at least if she knew what those limit's were her new physical abilities wouldn't keep surprising her.

She interfaced her omni-tool with the exercise machine's onboard programming and input the parameters of the exercise program. Shepard hadn't ever been into bodybuilding, strength training yes, but what marine wasn't, hardsuits took a lot of strength to move around in easily. She sat down on the bench and looked at the display, arm curls. She punched the controls and then waited as the exercise machine changed its configuration to the desired exercise. Before she had died, she had regularly curled 11.5 kilograms in three repetitions of ten. That wasn't where she was starting out now though she noticed as soon as the machine stopped moving and the display flashed ready and the weight set at 13.5 kilograms. She stared at it for a moment and then nodded once, given what she had noticed about her body that did seem like a good place to start even if seeing the number was a bit of a surprise.

Shepard scooted all the way back on the bench, settled the back of her upper arms against the padding there and then reached down and wrapped her hands around the weight grips. The placement of the padding and grips were set up correctly for her specific arm length, Shepard noticed. It was a nice touch, and a sign of the attention to detail Miranda had put into the exercise program. She began doing bicep curls, raising the weights until they were almost a hands length from her shoulders and then slowly lowering them. The weight felt light, like she was actually doing 7 or 8 kilograms and not the 13.5 kg that she knew she was doing. After three repetitions the display flashed pause at her, she stopped and the weights incremented up a kilogram to 14.5 kg. Alright, that was a jump, but given how light the weights had seemed it was probably reasonable. She easily lifted the weights again, she could feel the increased weight but it was nothing she couldn't readily lift. Shepard continued lifting and every three reps, the weight machine would request for her to pause and increase the weight. At 19.5 kilograms the weight felt about right, it was an effort to lift, but not impossible if she concentrated on her form, technique and breathing. That was a full eight kilograms more than she had regularly lifted before her death, and it clearly wasn't the heaviest she could lift. She had been avoiding asking exactly what had been done to her body, but now her curiosity had been stirred. She was going to have to find out from either Miranda or Dr. Chakwas how she could lift so much weight and not feel any strain in her muscles or joints.

"Shepard," Garrus' voice over her omni-tool broke her concentration on her lifting, "that upgrade you put in a request about two days ago, it's come in early. I think you might want to come to the Main Trading Floor and take a look at it."

Shepard frowned; she hadn't put in a request for... her light grey eyes widened, she straightened abruptly and released the weight grips letting them return to their starting position, Rayna. She hadn't expected that the asari could be back with an answer this soon, but that was the only possibility that fit with what Garrus was saying. She glanced over at Samara; the justicar was staring at her with a questioning expression. She slapped the controls, turning off the exercise machine which then began to quietly re-position itself into its default configuration. She tapped her omni-tool, replying to the communication, "That's good news," she looked back over at the justicar, "Samara and I were working out, but we can finish up later. Give us twenty minutes and we'll be there."

The asari's eyes widened briefly in surprise at this, but Samara didn't say anything she simply turned off her own exercise machine and rose from the bench. "Meet you at the dock entrance in fifteen?" Shepard said to the justicar keeping her tone light even though she knew that the asari had already noticed that Garrus' message had wound her up. Shepard had no idea if there were any listening devices in here, but she did know there were a few surveillance cameras keeping track of the equipment and cargo, so she didn't want to mention anything about the rachni right now.

The justicar studied her for a second, the asari's pale blue eyes intent, and then Samara replied with a single graceful nod, "I will meet you there, Shepard."

Shepard knew her current expression had to be conveying a silent thank you to the asari for catching on so quickly and not asking any questions as they headed toward the stairs together. She didn't know if this easy understanding between them was due to their melding or not, but she was definitely appreciating the feeling of working together so smoothly with the justicar. Shepard would have simply assumed it was the melding except that Samara had shown she was a keen observer from the first moments of their initial meeting in the alleyway. The justicar hadn't missed even the slightest reaction from Shepard, and had shown she was able to accurately interpret them as well with her responses.

Shepard took a very quick shower and changed into armor for the excursion. Given the number of Eclipse mercenaries she had killed here, there was too much of a chance that the ones that were left might want some revenge. She had ordered that none of the crew go out into the town alone as well for that same reason. When she stepped out onto the second deck and started around the Normandy's CIC, Shepard wasn't surprised to see Samara already waiting for her. The justicar was wearing her usual ornate red and gold armor. Shepard liked the looks of it, but she did wish there was more protective coverage over the asari's chest area. She hadn't said anything though, she figured if Samara was wearing it then the asari either really liked it or it was the Justicar Order's traditional armor.

She waited until they had exited the ship and were headed out onto the main trading floor before saying anything to the asari walking beside her, "I didn't expect a reply for another couple of weeks or I would have definitely gone over this at the temple." Samara glanced briefly over at her, the asari's gaze questioning. Shepard grimaced; this was going to come as a rather big surprise to the justicar. Hopefully it would come as a pleasant one. "With any luck, this will be who I'm suspecting it is back with a positive answer from a friend of mine and we will have some allies against Cerberus that the Illusive Man won't have anticipated." Only the briefest flash of surprise disturbed the usual serene and slightly aloof countenance that Samara adopted in public in response to Shepard's statement.

Shepard paused and looked over the trading floor for any sign of Garrus, Tali or Rayna. She forced herself to only briefly gaze at the window overlooking the trading floor where Liara's office was located. Not that she could see in, but she didn't want to think of her former lover staring out of it and watching her. Two days was not nearly enough time for the pain of their breakup to heal. It didn't take her very long to spot the turian, quarian and asari standing all together next to the entryway off the trading floor leading to the transportation hub. She drew in a sharp breath at the sight, were her hopes of having allies against Cerberus about to be fulfilled or destroyed? What did it mean that Rayna was back so soon? She quietly said to the justicar, "It's her," and started walking that way, Samara keeping up with her easily as the people around them cleared out of their way.

That was about the time she realized just how much attention the two of them were drawing from those around them. She had drawn attention before today, but that had been because she was in armor and heavily armed and stood out like a sore thumb amongst the business suit clad crowd. What she was seeing now though was a lot more and a different type of attention than they had drawn yesterday. This was not good; she didn't want to draw notice to their meeting with Rayna.

"Our actions yesterday drew the attention of the news media," said Samara. Shepard looked over at her inquiringly, waiting for the asari to tell her more. She knew this, it had been the reason Detective Anaya had given them a lift from the Dantius towers back to the Normandy. She hadn't bothered to pay any particular attention to the local news reports though, figuring that something more interesting would happen soon enough and draw interest away from their actions. "A Spectre and a Justicar have never worked together before to anyone's knowledge," Samara continued in a dry tone, "that is causing a great deal of interest in us and speculation about why we are working together."

Shepard frowned, now annoyed with herself and concerned about how this would impact their ability to discreetly meet with Rayna. Why hadn't she been more circumspect in mentioning she was a Spectre? She knew that simply being one drew attention to her. Not to mention the fact that she was supposed to have been dead for two years and now here she was again, with no official explanation given for her disappearance. Well, nothing to do about it now other than to figure out how in the hell to work around the situation. "Wonderful," she finally responded to Samara, "are any of these speculations even close to the truth?" Their mission wasn't common knowledge, but she knew it wasn't exactly a secret either. An enterprising news reporter could start digging and figure it out, and that would just increase the level of interest in their activities.

"No," the justicar replied succinctly. Something about the way Samara said it, startled an amused snort from Shepard, lightening her mood. It gave her the distinct impression that the news reporters were making up some very interesting stories. She glanced over at Samara; the edges of the asari's lips had just the slightest up curve to them. The justicar was amused. Well that settled it; she would definitely have to take the time to find out what strange things they were saying about them.

In the meantime though, all this attention was still the last thing they needed, Shepard thought, her anxious mood returning as they drew closer to the trio waiting for them. She looked toward Garrus questioningly, wondering how she should greet them. "Shepard," Garrus called out to her, settling the question, "The Serrice representative just got some new items in, one of which is an omni-tool upgrade that I thought we might be interested in purchasing." The turian indicated the kiosk just a few meters away and the blue-hued asari with very light blue markings on her face standing next to it. He turned towards Tali and Rayna, "And Tali met someone who might be willing to sell us some spare T6 FBA couplers just in case something happens to the one's we're using now."

Oh very clever, thought Shepard, that was quick thinking on either Garrus or Tali's part. It gave them a perfectly good reason to accompany Rayna to her ship so they could discuss the Queens reply without worrying about being overheard.

"Shepard," Tali said, "this is Rayna." The quarian introduced the lavender hued asari as if none of them had met her before.

Shepard nodded politely to the asari, "Pleased to meet you Rayna." Hopefully there was no one here today who remembered them speaking with the asari three days ago or this would look very suspicious. "If you will give us a moment," she motioned with her hand toward the Serrice display and kiosk, "to look at this upgrade, and then we can look at the couplers you have for sale."

"They're on my ship," Rayna replied, doing a very good job at keeping up the deception. "I'm docked over at the commercial spaceport."

Shepard nodded, "If you don't mind we can accompany you there." Rayna inclined her head in agreement, their eyes met and Shepard knew from the gentle, reassurance in the lavender hued asari's grey eyes that the Queen's answer had been positive. The rachni would help them.

Shepard had to pause for a second as a powerful wave of relief swept through her. As confident as she had acted in front of Garrus and Tali, before now she had no idea how she would be able to do anything other than wait and hope that the Illusive Man betrayed his true intentions in enough time for her to do something to thwart them. In the back of her mind though, she had been afraid that he would somehow trap her into cooperating with him much like he had trapped her into accepting his help if she wanted to stop the Collectors. She had no doubt that the Illusive Man had contingency plans within contingency plans to ensure her cooperation. Any means necessary would certainly include threatening the lives of anyone she cared about to get his way, so she had to consider the possibility that the Illusive Man had always known Archangel's true identity and a secondary reason for Garrus' presence was that the turian could be used as a hostage. And then, because she was selfish and needed people she could trust around her, she had dragged Tali into this and now Samara, giving him even more potential leverage against her. If she had read Rayna's expression correctly and the Queen had agreed to help, now at least she might have a chance to find out what he intended before it was too late to do anything about it, and a chance to perhaps learn the extent of Cerberus' current activities.

Now though was not the time to betray her relief, not when there were so many curious eyes upon them. She controlled her expression, masking her feelings as she continued on towards the Serrice kiosk as if nothing unusual was happening. A few minutes later they climbed into an aircab and were on their way to Rayna's ship, the Illara Waverunner. Their purchase would be forwarded to the Normandy within the hour.

"Rayna, this is Justicar Samara. Samara this is Rayna Vallan," Shepard made the introductions as soon as they were all seated around the small table in the galley of Rayna's ship. She turned toward the lavender complexioned asari, who was seated opposite her at the table, "Samara joined us a few hours after we spoke and I haven't had time to fill her in yet about...all the events on Noveria."

Rayna's grey eyes widened and she glanced uncertainly toward the justicar, "Oh."

"This should be interesting," Garrus observed from beside her as he leaned back in his chair. Tali, seated in the chair across from him and next to Rayna, fidgeted nervously with her hands.

Shepard turned and gave him a look, though she really couldn't blame him for being smirkingly satisfied that he wasn't the one who had to explain this. She looked over at the justicar, who was seated at the end of the table. Samara was observing all of them with admirable sereneness, letting none of the curiosity she had to be feeling, given their behavior, show. Shepard took a moment to gather her thoughts. Where to begin, she wondered, with the truth of the war that had occurred over two millennia ago or with the events on Noveria? "I told you about what happened on Feros, Virmire and Ilos," she said to the justicar, "but I didn't mention what happened on Noveria when I confronted Matriarch Benezia."

Movement drew Shepard's attention to Rayna and for the first time she saw something other than an expression of gentle calmness on the asari's face. There was instead anger and condemnation there, and it didn't take long for Shepard to guess why. "Rayna, Benezia didn't do what she did of her own will, that was Sovereign not her," she explained to the lavender hued asari, her voice firm with her conviction that what she was saying was true. "Indoctrination is a terrible thing; the Reapers used it to make prothean refugees betray their own people to them. Sovereign used it to make Saren believe the lie that by working with the Reapers he could save some of us instead of all of us being wiped out." She paused a second and then forced herself to say it, "And Sovereign used it to make Matriarch Benezia forcibly violate another's mind and get the information that it wanted, the location of the Mu Relay." Rayna's hands clenched on the table, and Shepard reached over and covered them with her own. If she had any questions about whether the asari cared personally for the rachni Queen, they had just been answered.

Shepard stared for a moment at their joined hands as she thought about what to say, noticing absently how the black of the ballistic weave covering her palm and the dark grey of the armor plates on the back of her hand contrasted with the lavender of Rayna's skin. "Indoctrination is a violation of the mind as well," Shepard finally continued after a few seconds of silence. "It's being forced to think and do things that you would never do without its influence. Lady Benezia thought to turn Saren's path, to bring him back to reason, instead she found herself facing a foe she could not defeat, a Reaper. She was forced into retreating into her own mind. Forced to watch, unable to stop herself as she did things she abhorred. When she finally saw her chance to strike a blow against the ones who had done this to her, she managed to free herself for only a few minutes and give me the information before falling under Sovereign's control once again. And then I had to fight her a second time." Shepard closed her eyes for a moment, allowing herself a flash of memory of the asari matriarch ordering her not to heal her, Benezia's blue eyes demanding that Shepard allow her to make this decision when all others since she joined Saren had been denied her. "Lady Benezia knew that her mind had been damaged by Sovereign, that she would never be herself or free of Sovereign's control again. When presented with a choice of living like that or dying, she chose to die while her mind was still her own."

Shepard opened her eyes, met Rayna's now troubled gaze, "There were only victims of Sovereign there, Rayna. Liara finding out that her mother was not a traitor, and freeing her," she said referring to the rachni Queen, "were the only good and decent things that I managed to accomplish in that entire mission. Otherwise I just killed people who were indoctrinated slaves and not in control over their own actions, and children whose only real crime was that the terror from being raised in complete silence, from being separated from their mother, shattered their minds and caused them to become insane," she said with bitter regret.

"Oh, Amanda," Rayna said softly, turning her hands underneath Shepard's so that she could grip them in return, "you know she doesn't blame you for that. It had to be done, there was nothing you or she could do for them at that point. They would only continue killing if you hadn't stopped them."

The use of her first name startled Shepard; she stared into the asari's grey eyes. Somehow they seemed warmer, more understanding, and more knowing of her than they had before. "The Queen shared my song with you," she said in uneasy surprise. She didn't know quite how she felt about that, parts of what she had shared with the rachni had been very personal as was what the Queen had shared with her.

Rayna's hands squeezed hers, "Not all of it," the asari hastened to reassure her, "and only what I needed to understand what happened between you on Noveria. Though she does not have the same concept of privacy as we, she holds your song close to her and values it. She did not share your song with me lightly, and I would never share it with another without your permission," Rayna promised seriously.

Shepard looked into the asari's grey eyes, only slightly darker in hue to her own, and saw only sincerity. "Alright, I trust you," she replied, her concerns eased and gently squeezed Rayna's hands reassuringly, letting her know she wasn't upset with what the Queen had done. Obviously the Queen trusted Rayna, and undoubtedly the rachni had good reason for doing so. Shepard already trusted Rayna with helping them against Cerberus; she could extend that trust farther to include trusting Rayna with protecting what the asari now knew about her personally as well.

"I didn't realize that what happened on Noveria bothered you like that Shepard," Garrus said somberly, looking back and forth between Rayna and her, "I mean other than Liara being with you when you fought her mother."

Shepard nodded, "It wasn't a good mission as far as I was concerned, and then of course it was capped off by Councilor Metellus accusing me of having doomed the entire galaxy with my recklessness while Valern and Tevos didn't say a damn thing either way. No surprise there, I pretty much expected it to go that way. Considering that he had never agreed with anything I had done before, I think I would have fallen over from shock if he had told me I made the right decision."

Her gaze fell on Samara, seated at the end of the table next to Garrus and Tali, the justicar hadn't said anything yet even though all of this had to be confusing to her. The asari was watching everyone intently, doubtless waiting patiently for Shepard to finish speaking with Rayna before informing her why they were here and what allies they had that the justicar didn't know about. Meanwhile everyone else was dancing around naming exactly who they were talking about because no one felt comfortable just blurting out that they were talking about a rachni and not just any rachni, but a rachni Queen. However understandable that was, they were also being rude to Samara and that couldn't continue.

Sometimes there was nothing like just laying the facts out on the table, Shepard decided. "A few years ago Binary Helix found a derelict rachni ship that had been adrift in space for two thousand years." Shepard could see from the way Samara stiffened and her pale blue eyes widened that the earlier conversation was suddenly making sense to the justicar. "Inside it they found rachni eggs in cryogenic suspension. Saren, who was a major investor in the company, found out about it and had them attempt to recover the eggs. They only managed to recover one, which they transported to their lab on Noveria. His plan was for them to clone the rachni and create an army of obedient soldiers for Sovereign to use, but once the egg hatched the researchers realized they had a rachni Queen."

Samara looked a little less tense now and more intrigued with what Shepard was telling her. That was a good sign, the Spectre decided. "When she grew to maturity and began laying eggs of her own, the researchers took them away, thinking they could raise the rachni soldiers to be obedient to them if they separated them from her." Shepard still didn't know how she felt about the researchers. Granted, the Council had kept the fact that Saren was a traitor under wraps for as long as possible, but the researchers had known were raising an army of rachni for him. Did it not occur to them to stop what they were doing to question whether they should be doing it in the first place? Then there was the fact that they had held a sentient race captive and experimented upon them for the sole purpose of creating a slave army, something they knew was ethically wrong. Honestly, part of her felt that they deserved what had happened to them for being involved in such a project. What their actions had created had destroyed them in return; it had a certain karmic symmetry to it.

Realizing that she had fallen silent while pondering the researchers' degree of guilt, Shepard began speaking once again. "Not understanding how all rachni except for the queens mature, the researchers put the rachni young into an environment that was profoundly neglectful of their basic needs by taking them away from their mother. Without the Queens song to form their minds and teach them what they needed to know as they grew, her young were unable to understand the world around them. Without her song to soothe their fears, the silence left them trapped in terror and confusion. They became insane and dangerous, attacking everyone around them." Shepard glanced briefly over at Samara, noting the frown curving the justicar's lips slightly downward, the stern expression on her face. She knew her own expression probably showed her own disapproval of the researcher's actions. She then glanced over at Rayna, "Anything to add to that, or any corrections?" she asked the lavender hued asari.

"No," Rayna responded softly, shaking her head, "you explained it very well."

Shepard nodded, "That was the situation I found when I arrived at the Peak 15 research labs. The rachni had gotten free and were attacking the researchers and their security force. Matriarch Benezia, a group of indoctrinated asari commandoes, and quite a few geth were also around. We asked questions, managed to find out part of the story behind the rachni, and finally tracked down Matriarch Benezia. She was the one who told us about Saren's plans for the rachni and that rachni Queens were born with all the knowledge of their mothers, which was how the Queen knew the location of the Mu Relay. After Lady Benezia died, I went over to the tank they had holding the rachni Queen, mostly out of curiosity at that point," Shepard admitted.

"It startled the hell out of me when the Queen pressed her...hand I guess you would say, up against the plexiglass. And then backing into one of the commandoes coming up to the tank startled me even more since I thought they were all dead," Shepard commented with a slight wry smile, remembering that moment that had been like a scene out of some thriller movie where the supposedly dead guy jumps up and attacks you. "Because the commando was unconscious and near death, the rachni Queen was able to use her telepathy to control the asari's body and use her voice to speak to us. The rachni Queen explained what was wrong with her children that they been taken from her before they could learn to sing." Shepard bowed her head, remembering what came next, "Then she asked us to end their suffering because nothing could be done for them and they would only continue harming others if they were allowed to live. I agreed, as she said it was lamentable but necessary." After communicating with the Queen, it had been a harder task than before. She had an idea of how the rachni could have been, had the researchers not separated them from the Queen. Rayna squeezed her hands, bringing her out of her unhappy thoughts. She looked up and over at the asari seated across from her. Rayna's grey eyed gaze was gentle and understanding, it soothed her.

Shepard drew in a breath, straightened up a little and squared her shoulders. Her hands were still clasped in Rayna's. She made no effort to remove them. "Then she asked me whether or not I would free her or kill her. I asked her a few questions, if she was a survivor of the war and what she would do if I freed her. To the first she could only tell me what she heard from within her egg. That a tone from space silenced her mother's voices one by one and forced the singers to resonate with its own sour yellow note. Then she woke in the researches lab. As for my second question, she assured me that if I freed her she would not war with us again, instead she would seek a hidden place to teach her children harmony and that if they understood then perhaps they would return."

"It was such an important decision," she turned her head to look at Samara. "Trust that she wasn't lying and free her, risking the rachni going to war with us in the future and killing hundreds of thousands if I was wrong, or murder someone who was completely innocent of any wrongdoing out of fear that she might do something in the future as well as committing genocide." Their eyes met, and Shepard could see by the seriousness of the asari's expression that the justicar did appreciate the difficulty of it. "I chose a third option," the Spectre stated. Samara's head tilted slightly to the side in curiosity. "If she could communicate with the asari telepathically, then perhaps she could communicate with me as well." The justicar's eyes widened just slightly for a fraction of a second. Shepard knew she wouldn't have noticed it if she hadn't been staring at the asari, and then Samara nodded once.

Shepard had no idea if that was a nod of agreement or just acknowledgement. "The rachni communicate through a mixture of telepathic communications, sound and scent. The joining of our minds together was...amazing." She clearly remembered that moment and there was really no other word for the experience. "It was like being immersed in the world, and I found the rush of sensation overwhelming until the Queen quickly toned it down enough for me to deal with it. Then she sang of what little she knew of the war to me. I heard the discordant note she had spoken of, saw and felt the yellowness of it, tasted the horrible sourness of it. I couldn't swear one hundred percent that it was indoctrination, but I could tell that the rachni's aggression during the war and their refusal to communicate with us wasn't natural to them. It was forced upon them by something that was not rachni, for while it is in their nature to protect the Queen and their burrows by driving off intruders, it is not in their nature to attack first or to kill without provocation."

Neither Garrus nor Tali, even though she was there, had ever had a chance to hear what exactly had happened during the telepathic communication between the Queen and Shepard. Thus the Spectre had three sets of intent eyes upon her as she paused a moment to compose her thoughts and decide how what to say next. Even Rayna, who presumably knew what had happened, appeared raptly interested in what she was saying. "That was all I needed to make the decision to free her," Shepard continued. "I let her know that I considered what had been done to her and her children to be wrong. She asked me if I would share my song with her so that she could know me as I now knew her and the rachni. I agreed. It did after all only seem fair." That had been the first time in very many years that she had shared with someone exactly what had happened on Mindoir, the death of her father, her teachers, her friends, and then her mother. They had both suffered grievous loss; the Queen had understood the grief and pain she still felt even after nearly fifteen years. Shepard smiled, what had happened next was a pleasant memory, "And then we sang together."

"You sang together?" Garrus said his voice disbelieving. Shepard looked over at him puzzled, and then she remembered. That had been her standard line whenever he or Wrex had mentioned her visit with Sha'ira, which seemed to simultaneously irk, because she had spent so much time with the Consort, and fascinate, again because she had spent so much time with the Consort, both males. Shepard had never been one to kiss and tell, and certainly not about what had passed between her and the asari that afternoon. It had been special and meaningful to her. Even if nothing else ever occurred between the Consort and she, she would always treasure her memories of those hours they had spent together. The turian shook his head, "What is this with you and singing?"

With a last squeeze, she released Rayna's hands and leaned back in her chair, crossing her arms over her chest as she mock glared at the turian. "You know I have a decent singing voice," she protested, fighting her grin.

"You do," he agreed readily, staring at her. Finally, he questioned teasingly, "So, was it anything like the entire afternoon you sang with the Consort?" with a particular emphasis on the word entire.

Shepard had been expecting the question; in fact it took him longer to say it than she had thought he would take. She raised her eyebrow at him, "Consort Sha'ira has a well trained voice and an impressive vocal range, it was quite pleasant singing with her," she replied, making sure to keep her tone both proper and respectful. She was careful to make sure there was absolutely no hint of innuendo in her voice, even though the words she had chosen easily lent themselves to that.

Vivid memories of her time with the Consort filled her mind, reminding her of how, after they had been intimate, Sha'ira had carefully and skillfully drawn out Shepard's languishing artistic side. Coaxing her to sing, play a few piano pieces on the asari's synthesizer, and even dance for the Consort who had admired her gracefulness. In doing so, Sha'ira had reminded Amanda of the totality of herself, that she was more than just a marine or Special Forces officer and in the process reminding her of why she had made the choices in her life that she had made. Shepard hadn't fully appreciated until many weeks later how healing her time with Sha'ira had been for her. Cleansing her mind of the sight and smell of burnt bodies and replacing it with the scent of sweetly perfumed blue skin; the memory of bodies grotesquely suspended on spikes with the feel of the asari's supple body arching beneath her touch; and the horrible moaning of the husks, which had once been human, with the soft cries of shared pleasure. Their time together had even given her a few days respite from the nightmarish images that had stalked her sleep nightly since her contact with the prothean beacon, for even without the Cipher she had been subconsciously aware that the prothean message had been a warning of impending death and destruction.

Until Garrus had commented on it Shepard hadn't known how unusual it was for the Consort to spend more than an hour with any one person, let alone the four hours they had spent together, and Sha'ira had never requested any payment of her for those hours. It had been as if the Consort had somehow known that Shepard needed to recover from how much Eden Prime had reminded her of Mindoir and Elysium before she could focus on stopping Saren, and how important stopping Saren would be to all of them.

"You really expected any other answer?" Tali teased Garrus, breaking Shepard out of her memories.

He shook his head, "No, not really," he admitted to the quarian. "I was hoping that this time I could tell if she was being facetious or not."

Shepard shook her head to clear it. As truly pleasant as those hours were to recall, this really wasn't the time or place to remember them. Not to mention that sex and the rachni Queen, or any rachni actually, simply did not go together in her mind. It would be extremely hypocritical of her to be narrow-minded about relationships between different races considering her own past, and she usually wasn't, but some hypothetical pairings just made her brain stutter to a halt in rebellion. Like a salarian and an elcor... She forced that thought right out of her mind before it could get much further and possibly include Mordin, and refocused on the turian next to her. She shook her head at him. "Garrus, if you knew exactly how motherish the rachni Queen's mental voice sounded, you would have never thought that much less said it. Absolutely nothing the remotest bit sexual occurred between the Queen and me," Shepard said firmly.

His mandibles flared for a second in an expression of surprise and then he said, "Oh." Now there was understanding and a look of apology. "You know I didn't really mean..."

Shepard couldn't keep up the seriousness; she chuckled, interrupting his apology, "I know you didn't," she reassured him. "It's just that thinking about her that way seems really..." she waved her hand trying to come up with something intelligible to explain her feelings, but finally just settled on, "wrong to me."

Glancing around the table, Shepard had the distinct feeling that she had just amused both asari, though of the two of them, Rayna was the only one actually smiling. "Well then you will be reassured to know that the Queen regards you in much the same way Amanda."

"That's the second time you've used my first name," Shepard commented curiously. She didn't know yet quite what she thought about the asari's use of it. It was certainly a change from their meeting just a few days ago when Rayna had called her Shepard the entire time. Right now though she was more interested in understanding why Rayna was using it than deciding if she liked the asari using it.

Rayna regarded her uncertainly. "I am sorry," the lavender hued asari apologized, "I did not mean to presume. That is just how the Queen thinks of you."

"As Amanda?" Shepard questioned bemusedly. "I didn't realize that, in her earlier message she called me Shepard." She decided she was actually pleased with that, sometimes it felt like somewhere along the way she had lost her first name.

Rayna hesitated a second, her grey eyes taking in the human across from her, before responding, "I believe your message to her allowed her to clarify her thoughts about you and your relationship with her and her children within her mind."

Shepard didn't know how quite to take that, "Ok," she responded uncertainly not quite sure what Rayna meant by that.

"If you would prefer, I will call you Shepard," Rayna immediately offered, though the Spectre thought she looked a little disappointed.

She considered the lavender colored asari across from her for a moment. Everything about Rayna, from her manner to her voice, spoke of gentle femininity to Shepard. Though she had no doubt Rayna could defend herself, the asari was not a warrior, and it was highly doubtful their relationship would ever be one of commander and subordinate. "No that's alright," she assured Rayna. "I don't mind you calling me by my first name. It's..." she hesitated realizing that the last person to regularly refer to her that way had been Liara. "Very few people use it," Shepard cut her explanation short. It was time for a change in subject. "I was surprised to hear that you were back already, I expected it to take you a few weeks at best to get my message to the Queen."

"I did as well," Rayna admitted, "However, after you left, I realized that I did know where the rachni were located. Apparently one of the triggers to allow me to recall the information was a great enough need to contact them. When the port lockdown was lifted, I headed there immediately and gave your message to the Queen. In return she gave me two messages for you, one of which is for you alone."

Shepard stared at her bemused, wondering what the Queen had to say to her privately. In any case, the first message should be the Queens response to her request for aid. "What's the first message then?"

Rayna stilled and then her head tilted back slightly and her eyes rolled upward until only the whites showed. Out of the corner of her eye Shepard noticed Garrus and Tali start a little at this strange display and realized that the asari had been standing so close to her the other day that neither of them had seen this occur. Samara, seated at the far end of the table, didn't appear startled, but Shepard did notice that the justicar leaned to the side just a little so that she could see around Tali better.

"Amanda," the lavender hued asari began speaking the Queen's message, "two years ago we heard musics that you had died, and we sang songs of mourning. Then two months ago we heard quiet echoes that you were alive and we began to search for you." Shepard's eyes widened in surprise, recalling the news reports she had heard on Omega and Illium of rachni scout ships being sighted. Had they been looking for her? "When news was brought to us that you lived, we sang of our joy that you composed anew." Shepard's expression softened, that went straight to her heart; it was good to know that the rachni Queen had missed her.

Rayna paused for a second before continuing, "Amanda, know that you are as one of my sister's daughters to me and to my children." Shepard's eyes widened in surprise at the Queens words. Her sister's daughter... what? "When you shared your song with me, you sang of your belief in a great Mother whose song brought the universe into being out of silence. You sang of how we are all her children and that there should be harmony between us because of this. Then you joined your voice with mine and wove our musics together into one song with your voice and soul. It was harmony, and it was beautiful. As long as there are rachni, it will be remembered by us. Because of what you shared with me, I was able to teach my children harmony. Because of you Amanda, the rachni will one day come forth and we will join our voice with the voices of her other children."

Shepard felt her jaw dropping, oh Goddess. She bit back what would have undoubtedly been a rather stressed sounding laugh at that thought, literally oh Goddess. Never had it been her intention to convert the rachni Queen to her beliefs, she had just shared the things in her life that were important to her. However, that seemed to have been exactly what had happened, intent or no intent. Not only that, but it sounded as if the Queen's embrace of her belief in the Goddess had brought about a profound change on the rachni. Even if that change had benefited the rachni, the fact that they had changed because of her, troubled her.

"We have heard your plea for our aid," Rayna continued the Queen's message, "this Illusive Man seeks to silence your song and force you to resonate with his own. He believes that he has caged you for use as his beast of war, as claws for his own purpose just as the needle-men sought to use my children." Shepard drew in a sharp breath, that was an unexpected comparison, but she certainly couldn't say it was inaccurate. "We will not allow this, we will hunt for his hidden burrows and when we find them we will listen. His song will not remain hidden from us. We will discover what he intends for you. You do not need to fear for us, the rachni well know how to remain hidden when we desire. If this Illusive Man means you harm then we will do what is necessary to protect you. If you need shelter, you may come to us. You and those with you who resonate with your song are welcome in our burrows. The rachni will protect you as they would protect any of my daughters; you are as one of us."

Shepard just stared at Rayna as she finished speaking. There were so many questions she wanted to ask that she wasn't sure where to start first and her emotions were all over the place. She was still greatly troubled by the fact that she had apparently converted the Queen, and yet she was also tremendously relieved and grateful for the Queen's assurance that the rachni would aid her against Cerberus. That had been more than just agreement to listen, it had also been an assurance that the rachni would act against the terrorist organization as well if it proved necessary. And, if all else failed, a promise of a place for her to retreat to and regroup.

The lavender hued asari lowered her head and blinked rapidly a few times, coming out of the trance she had been in while relating the Queens message to them. Shepard glanced around the table; Garrus and Tali were staring at Rayna and her in obvious astonishment. Samara's astonishment wasn't so noticeable, but it was evident that the justicar was surprised by the message as well. She turned back to Rayna, "But I just...she asked for me to share my song with her. She had just shared hers with me so it only seemed fair. I didn't have any intentions of converting the rachni to my beliefs." Shepard finally got herself together enough to protest. The enormity of what she had unintentionally done was daunting.

"Oh Amanda," Rayna said in gentle understanding, "Because of the unique way the rachni's senses immerse them in the world around them, they have always known they were a part of everything. Your song only further shaped what the Queen already knew to be true. She felt the purity and strength of your love for the Goddess. She knew the depth of your conviction that to truly love our Creator you must love her creations as well, because they are hers and she finds them worthy. She understood that was what drives your passionate belief that there should be harmony between the races." The asari's expression was warmly approving as Rayna regarded her. "The Queen remembered your belief that there are as many different ways to seek enlightenment and to know our Creator as there are seekers and that all ways are valid if the seeker's heart is true," Rayna continued. "Out of your beliefs and what the rachni already knew to be true, the Queen shaped a way for her children to understand the Goddess as a great Mother of all Creation. That also allowed her to teach her children to understand that through the Goddess they were connected to the other races in a way similar to how the Queens connected all the different rachni hives together before the Rachni Wars. The rachni have always felt empathy toward other rachni, but were unable to comprehend that they should also show empathy to beings that did not resonate with the Queen's song or smell or taste like rachni."

The lavender hued asari reached out and placed her hand on Shepard's armored forearm. "I did not understand until the Queen shared with me what had happened on Noveria, that you were the reason the rachni helped me. If you had not shared yourself with her, and she had not taught her children of your song and the Goddess, the rachni would not have attacked me, as I was no threat to the Queen or themselves, but neither would they have approached my ship or, once they realized I was badly injured, saved my life." Rayna paused for a second, her gaze emphasizing her sincerity as her eyes met the Spectre's, "But you did share your song, and the Queen taught her children that we are all connected through the Goddess. When they found me badly injured and near death, I recognized what they were and believed that they would kill me. I was frightened. Instead of attacking me however, they sang reassurances that they would not harm me and began healing me."

Shepard found herself at a loss for words. Given what she had learned from the Queen's song, she knew that Rayna was correct. At best, the rachni should have simply avoided her ship and never even known the injured asari was inside. Shepard had assumed that the Queen had specifically intervened and ordered her children to help. Rayna wasn't saying that however, she was saying that the rachni had sought her out within the wreckage of her ship and helped her on their initiative. "Then I am glad that it did," she finally found her voice, "it's just that I don't believe in proselytizing. It's strongly discouraged by the military, and I was raised to respect other people's individual beliefs, so it wasn't encouraged by my mother or father either." Shepard tried to explain why she was having such an issue with this, even though it seemed as if it had been very beneficial to the rachni. "A person's faith is their faith. As long as its life affirming and respects the rights of others, then as you said, as far as I'm concerned we're seeking the same thing. It's just that being responsible for an entire race believing in a certain way..." her voice trailed off, saying it aloud only seemed to make her responsibility for it more real.

"You are not," Samara's melodious voice interrupted their conversation.

Shepard turned her head to look at the justicar, "What?" She questioned Samara with a frown.

"You are not responsible for the rachni Queen's choice to believe in the Goddess," Samara stated calmly. Shepard was confused, how could the justicar make that statement when it was obvious that, although she hadn't meant for it to happen, she had converted the Queen to her own beliefs? Samara spoke again, questioning her, "Did you make the Queen's choice for the rachni to believe in the Goddess for her?"

"No, of course not," Shepard protested, and then paused, realizing what the justicar was getting at. She eyed the justicar respectfully, really she should have realized that herself. It wasn't as if she didn't know that she had no control over other people's decisions. If she did, then the Council wouldn't be convinced that Sovereign was a geth creation and that she had been duped by Saren. Samara didn't say anything further, but then the asari didn't need to, she knew she had made her point.

Rayna glanced back and forth between Shepard and the justicar and then when it was obvious that the other asari was done, turned back Shepard, "The rachni Queen knows you did not intend anything other than sharing who you were with her as she had shared the same with you," she reassured the Spectre. "She made this decision because she felt that what you believed was true. Your belief in the Goddess, in a being that created all things, sang to her."

Even if Samara's words hadn't already been enough, those would have silenced Shepard's protests. She regarded the lavender hued asari solemnly; given what songs meant to the rachni those three words were actually a very powerful statement. If that were true, then who was she to protest that the Queen shouldn't believe in the Goddess when the rachni had immediately felt drawn to her? She inclined her head to Rayna in acceptance, it was the Queen's right to believe as the rachni chose and she would just have to get over her discomfort with the fact that she played a part in it. "The Queen said that I was as her sister's daughter to her?" she asked, letting the subject of the rachni's new beliefs drop.

"Before the Rachni Wars, when the rachni claimed an entire sector of space it was common for Queens to exchange their daughters with their far away sister's to make sure their songs didn't diverge from one another," Rayna explained. "The daughters brought with them their mother's songs and the Queen of the hive wove their song into her own. The rachni Queen wove your song into hers in the same way as she would have if you had been one of her sister's daughters'."

"So it's a traditional role among the rachni?" Shepard asked, struggling to understand exactly what the Queen meant by her statement. It seemed as if it was much more than just a way for the Queen to say she felt close to Shepard. It seemed as if it were an acknowledgement of the fact that the rachni Queen had woven elements of Amanda's song into her own. The song of the rachni that the Queen had shared with her had given her a basic understanding of what the rachni were, but no particular detail about the finer points of their culture or history.

Rayna nodded, "It is a highly respected and traditional role among the rachni. Even though they did not lay eggs, these daughter's songs were incorporated into the Queens own song and thus became part of all the future rachni of that hive. They were a Queen of the hive with all the rights and responsibilities of one, save the duty of being a Mother." Shepard's eyes widened and she drew in a sharp breath of surprise as she realized what the asari was telling her. Upon seeing her reaction, Rayna hesitated for a moment before she dipped her head once in a nod, confirming Shepard's suspicions, and continued, "As the Queen said in her message to you, you are as one of her sister's daughters to her. You are one of the Queens of her hive."

For a second time in less than ten minutes Shepard was struck speechless. This wasn't just an honorary title; this was an acknowledgement of her role within the rachni's hierarchy due to the Queen incorporating parts of her song within the Queen's own song. How... all she had meant to do was discern the truth of the Queen's words and now she was a rachni? She would have been fine with just the songs about her forgiveness of them. Then incongruously she thought about the Council, she hadn't ever mentioned that she had telepathically communicated with the rachni Queen to them. Wait until they learned about this. Shepard snorted in amusement. Maybe two years ago she would have given a damn, now she just didn't care and the thought of the look on their faces when she informed them she was a rachni Queen was actually quite funny.

"What are you laughing about?" asked Tali, confused. She was just the one who asked, Garrus and Rayna were staring at her in confusion as well. Even Samara looked puzzled at her reaction.

Shepard looked at them; she hadn't ever told Garrus or Tali that the Council didn't know about this, much less her reasons for not telling them. "I never told the Council that I spoke telepathically with the Queen, they just think I spoke with her through that asari commando," she admitted. "So if they ever learn about this it will come as quite a shock to them." She shrugged, "I was thinking about the looks on their faces if I ever informed them that I was now a rachni Queen. It amused me; Councilor Metellus will probably pop a cork."

"You never told them!" Garrus exclaimed, looking dismayed. "Why?"

She turned and looked him in the eye, "Because Councilor Metellus used his position to get access to the medical reports Dr. Chakwas filed on me and found out that the nightmares from the beacon message were disturbing my sleep so badly that I asked her for medication to allow me to sleep through them. He used that and my continuing insistence that the Reapers weren't just a myth to attempt to prove the other Councilors and to Udina that I was unstable and should be removed from the mission and as a Spectre." Garrus still looked dismayed, but now Shepard had the feeling that it was at what she was telling him and not what she had done. She shrugged, "I didn't want to give him more ammunition against me, so I simply left that part of it out of my report. I knew that no matter what I said he was going to disagree with my decision anyway, and if he knew about the telepathic joining he would just claim that the Queen had manipulated me into freeing her. You know he didn't agree with the idea of there being a human Spectre in the first place, and the entire time I was chasing Saren he was trying to persuade the other Councilors they had made a mistake in making me one." She laid it out flatly. She had suspected it the entire time she had been chasing Saren. The files the Illusive Man had sent her only confirmed her suspicions.

Garrus shook his head, looking frustrated, "I knew that he was making things difficult for you, but I had no idea it was to that extent or that he was actively trying to get you removed as a Spectre. You always did everything in the most right way possible, what more did he expect of you?" he asked her angrily.

His shoulders slumped and she reached over and put her hand on his shoulder, "Garrus, it really had nothing to do with what I did or didn't do, I'm a human and I was the one who proved that Saren had gone rogue. That's why he was after me; it really wasn't about me or what I was actually doing. And you're not responsible for his dishonorable actions." Shepard caught Samara's sharp glance at her use of the word dishonorable. She hadn't thought of the turian Councilor in any flattering way before her death, he had consistently made his prejudices against all humans and especially against her too obvious for her to have much respect for him. Samara was right though to suspect that the prothean memories were exacerbating her anger and outrage at his behavior. She hadn't felt like challenging him to an honor duel before unearthing them, now it almost seemed like a reasonable response to his continued honorless baiting of her. Garrus didn't look convinced, "His actions reflect only upon his honor, not yours. As Samara just reminded me," Shepard glanced over briefly toward the justicar, "the responsibility for an action lies within the person making the decision."

Samara inquired, "How do you know that the Councilor did this?"

Shepard removed her hand from Garrus' shoulder as she looked over at the justicar, "The Illusive Man sent me my Alliance personnel record and several Council documents discussing me. And yes, I'm aware that it could all be fake, but what I read in them fits too well with the things I was aware of before my death. Udina was never reticent about letting me know whenever I did something that he didn't like, and that ended up being a frequent occurrence. He also wasn't shy about letting me know he was forwarding his opinion to my superiors in the Alliance. I believe he kept thinking I would toe his party line if I knew I was jeopardizing my military career by continuing to follow my own way. But that wasn't happening, I could have never made the decisions he wanted me to make." Shepard briefly lowered her gaze to the table's metal surface before meeting Samara's eyes once again, "Even then I'd have rather lost my commission than lost myself." Shepard couldn't quite keep the bitterness out of her voice. She had once held out hope that the majority of her superiors would ignore his political ranting and appreciate the tactical soundness of her decisions. Now she knew just how naive that hope had been.

"I heard about Ambassador Udina giving you a lot of trouble," Garrus admitted, shifting in his seat uneasily. "I never understood why the Council let you remain in the Alliance Military. I thought Spectre's had to give up any prior allegiances when they became a Spectre."

"It does seem strange," Samara agreed, after Garrus finished speaking. "Your loyalties would always be divided."

Shepard nodded, looking back on it she had to wonder the same thing. "I didn't think about it at first, but later on, as it became harder to keep both the Alliance and the Council happy, I did wonder if I should resign my commission even though the thought of letting go of that part of my life wasn't easy. But there simply wasn't the time to go through all the paperwork while I was chasing after Saren, and after the Citadel battle I was working with the Alliance out in the Terminus Systems trying to track down geth outposts. It wasn't an issue then, so I let it slide thinking I could address it later." She left unsaid the 'and then I died'. Shepard glanced over at Rayna for a second before turning back to the others; they had gotten way off the topic of the Queens message. "But as interesting as this topic is, it's not why we're here, and we don't really have the time to go into it. Examining salvaged F6 couplers can only explain away so much time."

Shepard turned back to Rayna, "I should have said right off how grateful I am for the Queens promise of aid." She bowed her head for a moment, weighing whether or not to admit her fears in front of the others. She raised her head, maybe not all of them, but the main one, yes she should share that. "I was afraid that the Illusive Man might have a plan already in place to manipulate me into doing exactly what he wanted, just like he did with arranging things with the Council and Alliance so that I had to work with Cerberus if I wanted to stop the Collectors. If the rachni can find out why he really wants me to go after them that would be a great help to me. It would give me a chance to figure out how to stop him before he has me boxed into doing what he wants." Rayna, her expression quite serious, nodded in response to this.

"As for learning that the rachni see me as one of their Queen's," Shepard paused, trying to form something coherent out of her whirling thoughts. Finally she just admitted, "Honestly, I'm not quite certain how I feel about it." Shepard let out an audible breath and then ruefully admitted, "I certainly never expected this outcome from what happened between us on Noveria." That earned her amused chuckles from both Garrus and Tali, a faint look of amusement from Samara, and an understanding smile from Rayna.

"Perhaps before you make up your mind, I should give you the Queen's other message," Rayna commented, reminding Shepard of the second message the lavender hued asari had for her from the Queen. That did sound like a good idea, though she wondered what the Queen had to tell her that was personal enough that Rayna wanted to deliver it through a meld.

"Alright," Shepard agreed. Rayna rose from the table, and looked at Shepard expectantly. Of course, they needed to be closer, Shepard realized, getting up from her chair. She stopped a few feet away from Rayna, and waited for the asari to indicate exactly how she wanted to proceed.

Rayna stepped closer, reached out and took Shepard's hands in hers. That was a little different, but nice considering what they were about to do. Rayna smiled at her, "I know you know how to do this Amanda." Shepard nodded and closed her eyes. She slowed her breaths, and then lowered her mental barriers enough so that Rayna could meld with her while reaching out mentally toward the asari. "Embrace eternity," Rayna said softly and initiated the meld.

First Shepard felt Rayna's gentle mental touch within her mind and then it was replaced by the rachni Queen's distinctive mental presence. Strong and ancient feeling with all the memories of the rachni Queen's mother's, and undeniably mother-like, just as Shepard had remembered. There was the sense of the Queen greeting her, similar to when their musics had first touched during their telepathic communication on Noveria. And then there was a rush of sensations, feelings and song that, while they had no direct analogy to anything Amanda had felt before, were still very familiar to her and stirred up bits and pieces of memories that felt very similar. A warm blanked wrapped around you by caring hands when it was cold, a kiss upon a scrapped knee to make it feel better, a song at bedtime to soothe you to sleep, and a warm hug that enveloped you and held you close when you felt lost and alone. It was the countless small ways in which someone who loved you showed that they cared for you and would take care of you whenever you were injured or hurt, or just weary and burdened. It was the song of a Mother, and it was directed at Amanda and broke wide open the dam she had built to hold back all of the hurt and pain that had been building in her since she woke up on a Cerberus station just over two months ago.

There was the pain and loneliness of her death, and the dismaying ease with which it had seized and claimed her. The inescapable knowledge that Shepard now carried within her that she had been defeated, and that she could be again. Then there was the confusion and struggle to accept that she had been dead for almost two years and then brought back to life, and the question she didn't want to ask or even think about...where exactly her soul had been during that time. The nagging questioning in her mind of how human she was now with the extensively rebuilding of her body and the differences in her mind due to her drell like memories as well as the prothean memories from the cipher.

Shepard wasn't aware of the pain filled sob that left her lips or Rayna dropping her hands to reach up and steady her by holding onto her arms. She wasn't aware of Tali and Garrus getting up from the table in alarm, or of Samara firmly stopping them from interfering with the meld.

There was the pain of her rejected request to the Council and Anderson for their support instead of Cerberus' against the Collectors. Their accusation that she was committing treason, while they didn't even bother to ask her what had happened to her during the past two years and instead accepted whatever lies the Illusive Man had created for them. Their complete dismissal of the deadly threat the galaxy faced, the return of the Reapers, telling her instead that she had been deceived by Saren and it was all just in her head. The Illusive Man hadn't won her to his side by sending her the information about what the Alliance and Council had said about her, but he had certainly damaged the loyalty she felt toward both organizations. Learning what they had said had hurt her in ways she hadn't expected, deep raw wounds that her loyalty, courage, honor, and honesty seemingly hadn't been valued by either the Alliance or the Council.

Shepard wasn't consciously aware of reaching out and pulling Rayna into a tight embrace or of the asari attempting to do the same around her armor and weapons while Garrus and Tali looked on in shocked surprise. She wasn't even aware of when Samara carefully removed the weapons pack from her back so that Rayna could finally wrap her arms around Amanda in return, and handed it to Garrus who laid it carefully on the table while staring at his Commander and the asari holding her in confusion. Shepard certainly wasn't aware of when Samara turned to the turian and quarian who were clearly looking to her for guidance in this situation.

There was the pain and guilt that had torn through her when she heard the tears in Liara's voice as the asari told her that she couldn't take losing her again. That it had hurt too much and that Liara had only gotten back some of her life recently from the grief of loosing her. Before Amanda had died, she had begun to dream that, should they defeat the Reapers, they might spend the rest of their lives together, and that one day Liara and she might have a beautiful asari child. One who called her their second mother and that she would hold and love for as long as possible. That dream though had withered and faded when she died, and just like her old life it had drifted away out of her reach forever.

She wasn't aware of burying her head in Rayna's neck or the heartbroken sobs that escaped. She wasn't aware of her knees buckling or that Rayna helped her slowly kneel until they were both sitting on the floor, Rayna holding her and stroking her hair as she cried. She wasn't aware of Samara regarding the two of them, in a rare moment of openly shown emotion, with understanding and compassion in her pale blue eyes before turning away to usher Garrus and Tali toward the cargo bay. Allowing the two of them some privacy while Amanda finally allowed herself to do what Samara knew the human sorely needed and had been denying herself, to grieve.

When the Queen's song faded from her mind, Rayna's mental touch lingered for a few moments longer, the asari adding her own soothing mental touch to the rachni's before finally that faded as well and the mental connection between them ended. Amanda became aware that she was sitting on the floor and clinging to Rayna as if her life depended on it, her head buried in the asari's shoulder, and the fabric her cheek rested upon damp from her tears. Rayna was holding onto her as well, the asari's arm around her back and one hand cupping the back of her head.

They stayed like that for a few seconds longer, and Amanda had the feeling that Rayna was willing to hold her for as long as she needed. She felt drained and emptied, as if all of the pain that she had been carrying around inside her had been poured out. In its place was a diffuse sense of peace, and the feeling that perhaps some of the things that had been troubling her would do so less in the future. As for how she felt physically, her eyes were swollen and her nose was stuffed up, nothing surprising about that. Amanda stirred and Rayna's arms around her loosened allowing her to straighten and look around as she very carefully wiped the tears from her eyes. Armored hands definitely weren't the best for this. How long had they been in the meld? And where were Samara, Garrus and Tali? They weren't in the galley. She did notice her weapons pack on the table and wondered with shock how she hadn't noticed someone removing it.

Embarrassment stirred and Amanda had a hard time meeting the asari's eyes until a lavender colored hand cupped her chin and gently but firmly lifted her head, surprising her. Rayna's grey eyes were gentle and understanding, there was no censure or judgment for her breakdown in them. "We all need someone to hold and care for us when we are hurting, asari or human... or rachni." Amanda gave her a questioning look at the last. "The Queen felt the unspoken depth of your loss and pain in your message to her. That was when she realized that you were as one of her sister's daughters to her, even though you were not rachni. The strength of the need she felt to come to you, soothe away your pain with her song and protect you from harm, was as strong as if you were one of her own daughters."

Before their meld, Amanda would have likely been surprised by that information, now though, she merely nodded. The meld and the Queen's song had made it unquestionably clear that the rachni Queen saw her as a daughter. What she wasn't certain of was exactly how she felt towards the rachni Queen in return. Yes, she had been able to see the rachni as person and as a good friend after they sang together, but as a mother figure? That was a big jump from friend, and there was a big difference between interacting with the rachni Queen in person and interacting with Rayna carrying the rachni Queen's song in her mind.

Rayna leaned back a little, her gaze taking in Amanda's face, "Would you like to clean up?"

That was definitely a good idea, the last thing she needed was to walk though Nos Astra and onto the Normandy looking like she had just had a good cry, even if she had. "Yes, I'd like that." They got up off the floor and Rayna lead her to a washroom just off the asari's cabin. There Shepard took off her gauntlets, washed her face with cold water, blew her nose, and then examined her appearance in the mirror. Her eyes still looked a little red, but otherwise there wasn't any remaining evidence of what had just happened. She was still a little stunned that she had broken down and cried upon hearing the Queen's song. A mother's touch had been all it took; she hadn't even realized how much hurt she had held inside and tried to deny she felt until it all rose up and overwhelmed her.

Lindariel had cried herself to sleep on many a lonely night, and wished that her mother was still alive for her to talk to about how to deal with her pain. And Eriathwen had cried in her husband's arms for the loss of her hand and in relief that she was still alive after being so sure that she was going to die during the crash. Perhaps instead of being embarrassed that she had cried, and had needed to cry, she should just be grateful that the Queen had somehow realized exactly what she needed to let those emotions out and freely provided it. That thought had fresh tears ready to well and Amanda reached up and pinched the bridge of her nose as she took a few deep breaths to let her feelings ease. Maybe it wasn't that impossible to think of the Queen as a mother figure after all, but she just didn't know. It just didn't seem like something she could decide right now.

Shepard dropped her hand back to the countertop and looked her reflection in the eye. She looked alright she decided. That was one thing about having new skin, it erased the little wrinkle lines and imperfections that one picked up in thirty years of life. To her eyes, she looked a few years younger than her actual age now. That was if one missed the years that showed in her eyes. Privately she thought she was starting to get the look she had previously associated with asari, young looking faces but experienced eyes, at least the ones who hadn't sleepwalked through a few centuries.

She turned away from her reflection and uneasy thoughts, put back on her gauntlets and left the washroom. Rayna waited for her outside, and they started back toward the galley. "You'll make sure the Queen knows how much I appreciate her help with Cerberus?" Shepard asked as they entered the room. She knew she was repeating herself, but it was very important to her that the Queen know how thankful she was for the rachni's promise of aid against Cerberus.

"I will," the lavender hued asari reassured her.

Shepard paused by the table with her weapons pack upon it, she would need help getting it properly placed on her hardsuit and she didn't know if Rayna was familiar with them. "Any idea where Samara and the others went?"

"I would guess the cargo bay," the lavender hued asari responded.

Shepard nodded, that did seem like a reasonable deduction. She met Rayna's grey eyed gaze solemnly, there was one other thing for which she needed to thank the Queen and the asari. "In addition to my thanks for her aid, would you tell her thank you for her song, I..." she paused, uncertain of how to covey her feelings to the Queen. She hadn't realized how much hurt she had been holding in until she heard the song and then every painful thing had risen in a rush to overwhelm her. A large part of being able to let go and give into those feelings had been the Queens song, but she knew a part of it was also the fact that she felt safe enough on Rayna's ship, and with the asari, to let her guard down. Here she hadn't had to worry about her breakdown being recorded by a missed a surveillance bug for the Illusive Man's or Miranda's later perusal or EDI popping up to ask what was wrong with her. She realized that Rayna was waiting patiently for her to finish her thought, "I think you know how much it meant to me. Tell her, please." She paused for a moment, "And Rayna, thank you."

The lavender hued asari smiled, reached up and brushed her fingers across Shepard's cheek, "There is no need to thank me, Amanda. And yes, I will let the Queen know that she was right." Rayna tilted her head to the side a little before remarking, "She knows you well."

Shepard blinked and frowned a little as she absorbed that statement. "You didn't know I would do that?"

"I didn't doubt that it would help you," Rayna replied softly, "but no, I didn't realize how much you needed her song and a place you felt safe enough to show your pain."

Shepard nodded, "Rayna I...." She drew in a breath, "I still don't know quite what I think about being a rachni Queen..." she admitted. "I'll have to give it some serious thought. I don't want to make a snap decision on something so important to both of us. Ideally I'd like to meet with her in person," she shook her head and frowned, "but with everything that's going on who knows when it will be safe for that to happen."

She locked gazes with Rayna as the asari gave her a searching look. "I understand," the lavender hued asari assured her after a moment.

An awareness of time passing was starting to press on Shepard; she knew they had already spent too much time here to easily explain away if anyone asked about it. She needed to wrap this up and get the team moving back to the Trading floor or one of the hubs where there were shopping vendors. That was probably the best idea; they could claim they had spent the extra time looking for new items. She reached down and opened one of the utility pockets on her belt, pulled out an OSD, and handed it to Rayna. "What is this?" the asari inquired, giving her a curious look.

"Information on Normandy's stealth systems," Shepard responded, "I strongly recommend that the rachni develop their own version of it. It should help them remain unnoticed while their collecting intelligence on Cerberus." The Council would probably have a collective cow about it, but oh well, Shepard needed outside help and the rachni had just stepped up to the plate. Now she had to make sure they had what they needed to get the job done, and they needed for their activities to go undetected. This was the best way she could think of to help them with that.

The asari's expression turned solemn as she reached out and accepted the disk, "I'm sure they will be able to make good use of this information."

Amanda looked at the asari, and then before she could second guess herself she wrapped Rayna in a hug, "I know you said you didn't need thanks, but thank you anyway," she whispered.

"You are welcome," the lavender hued asari responded, hugging her in return.

Continued...