<Xena and Gabrielle walk along a scenic trail. They appear to have been arguing for some time. Xena is leading Argo, who is staying out of the argument for now.>
 
GABRIELLE: Xena, all I'm saying is that you should try something new. You can't wear leather forever.
XENA: Why not? You used to like my leather!
G: Oh please, I was only humoring you. Leather went out ages ago. The only people who'd be seen in that kind of getup now are warlords.
X: Warlords, huh? Well, I'm sorry if I've offended your delicate sense of style. We can't all be fashion plates.
G: Hey, it's not as if clothing is the only thing I care about.
X: Then why do you keep changing your costume? Every time I turn around you're dolled up in something new!
G: And every time I turn around you're still wearing the same old thing!
X: At least my clothes are functional.
G: So's a saddle, but that's no reason to wear one.
 
<Argo whinnies in a manner that implies wounded dignity.>
 
X: That's it! Nobody insults my horse!
G: Wait a minute, I didn't mean to -
 
<Xena punches Gabrielle in the face, knocking her to the ground. Xena then grabs a rope that is tied to Argo's very functional saddle and wraps the other end around Gabrielle's legs. She jumps onto Argo's back.>
 
X: YAH!
 
<Argo begins galloping, dragging Gabrielle behind. There is an evil gleam in the horse's eye. There's one of those in Xena's eye, too.>
 
G: No, my clothes are getting messed up!
X: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
G: My hair! My beautiful hair!
 
<Argo, Xena, and Gabrielle approach the edge of a gorgeous white cliff. The ocean lies several hundred feet below.>
 
X: Whoa, girl!
 
<Argo stops. Xena dismounts and picks up Gabrielle. She holds the badly bruised bard over her head.>
 
X: FUNCTION!
 
<Gabrielle opens her eyes.>
 
G: FASHION!
 
<Gabrielle kicks Xena in the head. Xena drops her. Gabrielle stands up, barely controlling her rage.>
 
G: I HATE YOUR CLOTHES!
 
<She rushes at Xena, knocking her over the edge of the cliff. Gabrielle's momentum carries her over the edge as well. Both women fall, screaming. They splash into the water and disappear from sight. For the next few minutes, all that can be seen is the rippling ocean.>
 

CALLISTO <voice-over>: Submitted for your approval, the strange case of a warrior princess and her once-faithful sidekick. They fell into the ocean, and emerged in...the musical zone.
 
<More water. Obscured but definitely nude figures drift by. The camera pulls back, and we see that Xena is lying naked in a puddle. The puddle is in a grimy London gutter. Callisto, dressed in a black leather jacket, black motorcycle cap, fishnets, and a white scarf, stands nearby.>
 
C: Oh goody!
 
<Callisto enthusiastically begins mouth-to-mouth. Xena regains consciousness and sits up, pushing Callisto away.>
 
X: Where. . .where am I?
C: Um, SoHo, I think. Better get some clothes on, or people will get the wrong idea.
X: Hey, aren't you supposed to be singing?
C: Give me a minute. . .do re mi fa so la ti do!
X: Sing, already!
C <singing>:
 
Xena be cross,
Xena be snide,
You're completely nude,
This flesh you must hide.
 
Xena get dressed,
Simply put on these.
They're pretty sharp,
The censors they'll please.
 
<Callisto hands Xena an outfit similar to her own. Xena quickly gets dressed.>
 
X: That was a horrible song.
C: Wait, it gets better.
 
SOUNDTRACK" "The Real Me"
 
<Callisto strikes a few sexy poses, sure to delight her fans, then starts to dance.>
 
C <singing>:
 
I went back to Tartarus,
And boy did it stink.
Nothing to do on the weekend,
Except sit around and think.
 
Can you see the real me Xena, Xena?
Can you see the real me Xena, oh Xena!
 
You killed my mother,
Made me crazy, no help for me,
You must know how it feels, hon,
'Cause of those Furies.
 
Can you see the real me Xena, Xena?
 
<Callisto pushes Xena onto the seat of a convenient motorcycle. The vanity plate on the back reads "ARGO". Callisto hops onto Xena's lap and puts the key in the ignition. I'm talking about the motorcycle, of course.>
 
X: Okay, that's enough singing, we need to work some plot in. Now, why don't you tell me what in Zeus's name is going on?
C: You've been magically transported into the future. I'm here as your guide. It's symbolic and all.
X: Great. Now, where's Gabrielle? I want to finish teaching her to keep her fashion tips to herself.
C: Your wish is my command, warrior babe. Hold on tight!
 
<Callisto turns the key. The motorcycle's engine roars to life. Callisto and Xena speed away into darkness.>
 

<More water and naked bodies>
 
C <voice-over>: Dee dee dee dee, dee dee dee dee. . .
 
<Gabrielle floats down the Thames. Jimmy, a young mod, reaches into the water and pulls her out.>
 
JIMMY: Most of the blokes I know would be thrilled to find a gorgeous naked bird like this. Not me, though.
G: Hey, where's Joxer? He was supposed to meet me here!
J: This is Lamia's first fanfic, and she was nervous about writing for Joxer. He's a controversial character, you know. Finally she decided to play it safe and use me instead, what with me being a character from "Quadrophenia" and all.
G: That makes sense, I guess.
J: Say, don't you want to know why I'm not thrilled to find a gorgeous naked bird like yourself?
G: Why?
J: Because I'm stark raving mad! Ha ha ha! Ho ho ho! I'm a loony, I'm a loony!
G: Ah, well, that's very nice, but I'm kind of naked here.
J: Did I mention that I have four personalities? 'Cause I do. There's the tough guy, the romantic, the -
G: Could you *please* find me some clothes?
 
<Jimmy pops a handful of blue pills into his mouth.>
 
J: Clothes? You want to know about clothes? Well, I'm the man to ask about all things relating to fashion!
 
SOUNDTRACK: "Cut My Hair"
 
J <singing>:
 
Zoot suit, white jacket with side vents
Five inches long.
I'm out on the street again,
And I'm leaping along.
 
G: That's wonderful. Now could you leap yourself to a place with fashionable ladies garments? I'm getting cold.
J: Here, you can wear my anorak.
 
<Jimmy gives Gabrielle his Air Force parka. THE WHO is painted on the back.>
 
J: Now, let's go shopping!
 
<Jimmy helps Gabrielle onto the back of his scooter, resplendent with extra lights, mirrors, and "TOBIAS" vanity plates. They ride off into darkness.>
 

<Callisto and Xena pull up outside a house. There are many motorcycles parked along the street. A loud party is going on within.>
 
C: This is the place!
 
<Callisto skips into the house, pulling Xena along behind her. The leather-clad Rockers inside seem very happy to see Xena.>
 
ROCKERS <singing>:
 
She looks so good in leather,
She sure can tie a tether,
But her name isn't Heather,
It's Xena!
 
She fits right in with our scene,
To some Mods we will be mean,
Won't you be our Rocker queen?
Oh Xena!
 
Just pick out a motorbike,
Please take any one you like,
We don't care if you're a -
 
X: That's enough! I demand to see your leader!
 
<The Rockers move to the sides of the room, revealing Ares, seated in a recliner.>
 
X: Ares, I should have known. You've always had a thing for leather.
 
ARES: I could do a song right now, but it's so much easier for Lamia if I just sit here looking sexy.
X: Fine. Can I sing instead?
A: Sure, if you agree to join my gang of Rockers.
X: Do Rockers fight a lot?
A: You'd better believe it!
X: Great! Gabrielle hates fighting, but I love it. I love it so much, I think I'll sing a song about how I became a warrior.
 
SOUNDTRACK: "The Dirty Jobs"
 
X <singing>:
 
I am a girl who brawls with the thugs,
Usually I get along okay.
When I was little, they made me eat bugs,
Now I'm more careful what I say.
 
I'm getting knocked down,
I'm getting pushed 'round.
I'm being beaten every day.
But my fear is fading,
And things are changing.
I'm not going to sit and weep again.
I'm not going to weep again.
 
I am a girl who likes to fight and cuss,
And practice archery, but the range is all closed today.
It's easy to see that you are one of us.
Ain't it funny how we all seem to look the same?
 
I'm getting knocked down. . .(etc.)
 
My mama told me,
"You've been beat again.
If you let them do it to you,
You've got yourself to blame.
It's you who feels the pain,
It's you who takes the shame."
 
I am a young girl, I ain't done very much.
You men should remember how you used to fight.
To protect Amphipolis, that is my greatest dream,
I'm all mixed up, but I know what's right.
 
I'm getting knocked down. . .(etc.)

 
<Jimmy and Gabrielle pull up outside a Carnaby Street boutique.>
 
G: This street! The shops! It's - nothing like Potedaia! How exciting!
J: Wait until you see the clothes!
 
<Jimmy ushers Gabrielle inside the shop. They are greeted by a number of Mod salesgirls.>
 
SALESGIRLS <singing>:
 
You need some new clothes my dear,
There's nothing for you to fear,
Try these on, be of good cheer,
Gabrielle!
 
Let me fix your pretty hair,
Get you something hip to wear,
You can rest in this nice chair,
Gabrielle!
 
<The Salesgirls work their magic on Gabrielle, trimming her hair, fixing her makeup, and dressing her in the latest Mod styles.>
 
G: You girls are great! I can tell you love clothes as much as I do. Xena, she never understood how important it was for me to look nice.
 
<The Ace Face steps out of a dressing room, straightening his jacket.>
 
ACE FACE: She sounds horrible. You belong with your own kind, the Mods.
G: You're right. I feel so at home here.
AF: Smashing! Now, let's go kill some Rockers!
 
<Jimmy and the Salesgirls cheer.>
 

<Ares addresses Xena and their gang of Rockers>
 
A: Let's go kill some Mods!
 

<The Ace Face leads Gabrielle to a dressing room door.>
 
AF: Behind this door you'll find the Queen of the Rockers - Xena!
G: Let me at her, let me at her!
 
<The Ace Face hands Gabrielle a comb with a pointed handle.>
 
AF: Poke her eyes out!
 
<Gabrielle opens the door.>
 

<Ares leads Xena to a closet door.>
 
A: Behind this door you'll find the Queen of the Mods - Gabrielle!
X: I'll fix her little red wagon!
 
<Ares hands Xena a beer bottle. Xena drains it, then breaks off the bottom.>
 
X: Come and get it, Gabrielle!
 
<Xena throws open the door.>
 

<Xena and Gabrielle stand face to face, weapons upraised.>
 
G: I'll kill you, Xena!
X: No, *I'll* kill *you*! But not before we sing a duet!
 
SOUNDTRACK: "The Punk Meets the Godfather"
 
G <singing>:
 
You declared you would be three inches taller,
You're only as tall as boots made you.
In "Fins, Femmes, and Gems" you had to go fishing,
And I looked way better than you.
I used to care about the way you were dressing,
Now you know that I blame you.
You tried to dress well, but you kept failing,
Now you know that I framed you.
 
X <singing>:
 
I'm the girl with the thighs,
Flowing hair, flashing eyes,
I look great, you tell lies,
I'm super-vixen Xena!
I'm the new pin-up doll,
I get mobbed at the mall,
I'm hotter than Athena!
 
<Xena and Gabrielle fight, with neither woman gaining the upper hand for long. Finally, Xena managed to pin Gabrielle to the ground. She is about to smash the beer bottle down on Gabrielle's head, but stops.>
 
X: Wow, that new haircut is really cute.
G: You think so?
X: Yeah, it looks great on you!
G: Thanks. You know, maybe leather does suit you after all.
X: Really?
G: Very sexy.
X: Aw, shucks. Hey, you wanna get out of here?
G: It's like you read my mind.
 
<Xena grabs Gabrielle's hand and pulls her up. They dash towards the exit of the Mod boutique. Ares and the Rockers as well as the Ace Face and the Mods follow in hot pursuit.>
 
A: You were supposed to kill her, Xena!
AF: Gabrielle, don't go with her! She's a dirty, smelly Rocker!
G: Don't worry, I plan on taking a bath with her soon!
 
<Xena and Gabrielle run into the street. They hop onto Jimmy's scooter and drive away. Assorted Mods and Rockers follow them. Jimmy, his scooter stolen, stays behind. He sits down on the curb.>
 
J: No job, no girl, no scooter. . .what a rotten life I have. But someday maybe someone will write a rock opera about me, and it will touch the hearts of troubled teens for years to come. Isn't that right, my three other personalities?
 
J: Yes!
 
J: Yeah!
 
J: You said it, Jim!
 
J: Thanks, guys, you're the greatest.
 

<Xena and Gabrielle approach the edge of a gorgeous white cliff. The ocean lies several hundred feet below. The angry mob of Mods and Rockers is fast closing in on them.>
 
G: Ever get a funny feeling of déjà vu?
X: Never mind that, they're about to catch us!
G: Xena. . .let's not get caught!
 
<Xena and Gabrielle clasp hands. Xena hits the gas. The scooter shoots off the edge of the cliff. Xena and Gabrielle fall, splash into the water, and disappear from sight.>
 

<Xena and Gabrielle lie on a picturesque beach. Gentle waves lap at their toes.>
 
G: We're alive!
X: In defiance of all natural laws!
G: Oh Xena, since when has our show followed natural laws?
X: You're right, of course. Let's go find a hot tub.
 
<Xena and Gabrielle laugh and hug.>
 
THE END!