The forest was quiet except for the arguing of two Amazons, which was normal. They had just returned to the village only to be sent off on another mission by the Queen and her Regent. They were told that the life of the Nation depended on them to find the sacred holy person. And not to return until they found said person.

"How do I look Oinker?"

"Just as ugly as ya always are!"

"But what about my nose, is it really big?"

"Yep, an ya got black eyes to go with it." Oinker gave her friend a smirk and bit back a chuckle. "Ya look like a raccoon!"

"Shut up ya !"

"You shut up!"

"Pig!"

"Moron!"

"Uuhhmm Pig!"

"Sacramonious jackass!"

"That's it Oinker ya ya...aaahhh PIG!"

"Jack you are so ignorant and lame that I'm not even going to waste my time trading nasty names with you, so SHUT UP!"

They continued on their way until the sky became dark and a heavy rain started to come down, Jack and Oinker pulled an old tarp up over some low hanging branches, and then started a small smoky fire cuz Jack could only find wet wood. The arguing continued.

It's all your fault Jack, if you hadn't promised the Pygmy's what you couldn't deliver and had to tackle Eponin the minute she walked in to her and Ephany's hut then we wouldn't be out looking for what ever the Hades were suppose ta be looking for!" Oinker screamed at her dirty blond Cohort. "But I thought she'd enjoy giving them that little talk and demonstration about the necessity of group bathing! And ta be honest Oinker ya look like ya could use a bath, your kinda dirty looking." She grinned in to brown eyes that soon became vicious. "You are such a moron, I'm black you dumbass not dirty and that can't be the only thing ya promised!" Jack gave her a guilty look.


#########################################


Two soaking wet women huddled together in the trees, shivering uncontrollably from the cold rain dripping down their backs. "Where are we, the last time I looked we were running through the cemetery and then it went all wacky on us, and where's everyone else?" Willow grinned at Buffy. "Babble mode huh?"

"Yep, this is a bad!"

"What are we going to do, that is besides freeze to death?"

"Did you hear that?"

"No."

"Stay here I'm gonna check the sitch."

"Buffy, that's a bad idea, I mean I don't have a stake or..." Buffy had already taken off into the night leaving her friend Willow sitting behind a tree. Buffy crept up behind a bush where she could see two women arguing. All she could see were the flashing fangs of the blond when she leapt.

"Slayers job is never done!" She whispered to herself before she launched over the bush and charged ahead. Landing on top of Jack, her stake out and held over her head, she flipped Jack over, she was about to send her stake home when she heard a scream of "NO!" Oinker threw her body over Jack. "She maybe annoying, demented, a pain in my ass, and numerous other things but if anybody's gonna knock her skinny ass off it's gonna be me!"

"Kay, so you like dead girls huh?"

Oinker looked at Buffy like she was as nutty as Brie's bread. "She ain't dead, she's just ignorant!"

Jack grinned up at Buffy with her jagged pointy teeth. "Hey ya, nice pointy thing." Buffy leaned her head down on Jacks chest to listen for her heartbeat. "Ohhh yes, finally a woman ta play with my tits!" Jack squealed. Buffy raised her head then looked at Oinker.

"Your right, she's wacky and not dead, my bad call."

"Uhhmm Buffy, everything ok?" Asked Willow. Buffy got up off Jack who was still grinning like a lunatic.

"Yep, peachy, listen can you two tell us where we are?"

"Like what state, city, county, cuz the last time we knew we were in Sunnydale and this place does not look like Sunnydale, it's not even sunny here." Willow looked to Buffy. "Quiet would be good."


Oinker and Jack looked at each other then back at the other two. "You're in the Nation."

"Nation?" Willow looked to Buffy. "Dorothy, we're not in Kansas any more."

"Dorothy? I thought Red there just called ya Buffy." Jack was all confused.

"Ahhh yeah, I'm Buffy and she's Willow, got it?"

"Oinker I'm sooo confused, my nose hurts, Poni hates me, it's been years since I've had sex and now we gotta find the holy snipe!" Jack fell back on the wet ground moaning.

Buffy leaned over their little fire rubbing her hands together trying to warm them.

"Who's Snipe?"

"Buffy, snipe as in snipe hunt, remember it's what they send us geeks on at girl scout camp to find, that's not real."

"Oohh gotcha snipe hunt."

Willow being the reality girl sided up to Oinker. "Ok, this is how it goes. You two are looking for something that doesn't exist, it's a fairy tale."

"Nahh ahhh, Poni says!" Jack yelled.

"And Poni would be?" Buffy asked.

Oinker started laughing. "The one who bashed in Jack's face and gave her such a radiant smile."

"Kay, I think we can all discuss this in the morning, I feel like I just crawled out of a tomb and I could use some shut eye."


The four women curled up beside the dwindling fire while back at the village other more interesting things were happening.

********************************

The bathhouse was vacant with the exception of Poni and Eph; Eph had a washcloth covering her eyes as she leaned back against the side. Poni was...well she...ok she was playing with a whole bunch of little yellow rubber duckies, she had tied a string to each one of them, and then she swam in a circle with the duckies trailing behind her.

"Look Eph. look at all my babies, ain't they cute?"

All Eph could do was groan beneath the cloth. She knew she had made a big mistake getting all those damn things from Granny and now she was paying for it! Poni had gone so far as to name all of them and make a little bed for them that sat beside theirs. And to make matters worse she carried them around with her in a leather knapsack. Eph was seriously thinking of taking her to the healer for help.

"Ephy!"

"Poni you need help!" Eph removed the cloth to see Poni sitting in the middle of a corral of duckies. In a quick move, she grabbed one of them, jumped out of the water, and took off running. Poni ran after her screaming.

"Ephy, my babies, bring back my babies!"

The whole village ignored them, after seeing them run naked through the village everyday it wasn't anything special anymore.


#########################################

"Xe can't ya do something with Poni, like take her out ta kill something?"

"Brie, I tried but the whole time she was talking ta those stupid duckies! I even tried ta get her ta spar but NOOO! Elle Mae says fighting is bad and your not suppose ta hurt people or things!"

"What if we steal them and you use them for Chakram practice." Brie's face broke out in a demonic grin. "Little yellow ducky heads all over the place!" Her hands moving at lightning speed as she pretended to cut heads off.

"Are you okay Queenie? I mean you haven't been yourself lately." Xe moved closer to Brie on their bed. "We could have Hot Monkey Sex." That brought a smile to Brie's face.

"Will ya wear the you know?"

"That thing gives me hives; can we just pretend I'm wearing it?"

Brie stuck out her bottom lip and gave her lover the puppy dog eyes. "Please Xe, just one more time and then we'll save it for special occasions?"

Xe groaned, dragging her feet while she walked across to her trunk, wicked things went through her mind as to how to get rid of a certain item that she had the mistake of creating.

The guards outside of the Queens hut groaned and walked off to hide for a few hours, they knew there was no way in Hades that they could keep from laughing at the noises they were sure ta hear coming from the hut.


"Brie can we stop swinging now, my arm is numb?" Both of them were swinging on a rope attached to the ceiling. "Monkey Woman must beg." Said Brie. "Or no zug zug!"

Xe mumbled under her breath things that would curdle milk still in the cow.

"Goddess Gaia, Monkey Woman wishes to worship your body."

"That's not begging but...okay."

Xe dropped to the floor, her right arm numb from the shoulder down, she tried to pick Brie up and carry her to their bed but the dam furry costume she had on made Brie slip from her arms. "Ta Hades with it, this is good." Xe covered Brie's body with her own, running her hands down across where the toga left her creamy skin exposed. Trailing her tongue down along its edges, she kept spitting the loose fur off her tongue. "Sorry Queenie, it's this dam fur." She gave Brie a lopsided grin. Untying the toga Xe licked around her lover's nipple, bringing a moan from her lips. Brie ran her hands up Xe's sides then stopped when she felt something on the palms of her hands, looking at them she noticed that they were covered with fur.

"That's it!" She yelled. "Xe get up!"

Blue eyes grew large with shock; she jumped up and started to back up.

"Come here Xe, we have ta do something with that...thing you have on!" Before Xe knew what happened Brie had stripped her of her monkey costume and tossed it out the window. "Now where were we?"

Xe grinned back at her. "Let's start over Queenie?"

In a split second they were on their bed, Brie flipped Xe over on her back, taking control, she turned around and slipped down her lover's body. Her face resting on Xe's lower stomach just above her patch of dark curly hair. Running her tongue at the very edge, she felt her lovers muscles twitch. Xe not wanting to be left out ran her hands across Brie's rear, caressing her soft skin, using her thumbs she brushed her lovers lower lips then watched them twitch under her thumbs. She knew that if she leaned forward she would be in a painful position. So she flipped them on to their sides then buried her face between Brie's thighs. Lapping up the juices that flowed from her, she moaned deep in her throat. "Gods Brie!" Pushing her face between Xe's open legs Brie started licking. Their bodies twitched and moved together until they reached the very edge where they went over at the same time calling out each other's names.

Two Amazons who were on guard outside their hut laughed at them. "No more field trips for them." One of them said. "I'm still trying ta figure out where the Hades Hollywood is!"


#########################################


Ares was sitting on the floor of his temple surrounded by every kind of fruit, vegetable, hay and sweet grass he could find but to no avail his little fuzzy friend just stood there and made 'baa' noises.

"Please Xena, I know you don't like this but I don't know how to change you back!" Ares stood then paced back and forth in front of his throne, hands locked behind his back he continued to speak. "I tried calling on the fates but all they did was laugh at me, damn Hagsters, Dite is off in Kiwiland for the womens Volleyball something or nother. Arte is Dad only knows where and everyone else I get in here just laughs and starts singing that stupid Joxer song!" Little brown eyes looked up at him then the sheep started baaing again. "I know sweetheart you hate that damn song too." He stopped and smacked his forehead with his hand. "That's it! Joxer's the answer, now where the Hades am I gonna find him?" Ares bent down and placed a gentle kiss on the sheep's head. "Don't go anywhere my Warrior Princess; I'll be back as soon as I find that idiot Joxer!" In a flash he was gone leaving the sheep to fall over and roll on to its back.


#########################################


Oinker woke earlier than everyone else did, looking around she noticed the two strangers were entwined with each other and Jack was sprawled out on her back with a stupid grin on her face. Oinker walked over and kicked Jack in the leg. "Jack get up!"


"Oooohhh Poni, you're such a rough bitch, do it again!"

"Jack get your stupid ass up before I...never mind ya would just enjoy it. Now get up!"

Green eyes opened to look up into exasperated brown. "Oh hiya Oinker, time ta go?"

"As soon as you get your stupid ass moving."

Willow stretched her stiff limbs, groaning deep in her chest at the pull of muscles in her back. That's when she noticed the weight on her left side, peeking out of one eye she looked down to see a blond head nestled against her breast. A smile crossed her face. "I've been wanting this for...well since I...since she...Goddess I even babble in my own head!" She said to herself. "Buffy, time to get up." All she got was a mumbled something and arms wrapped round her tighter. "I'm in Elysia...heaven...I pray for a motel room!" Willow brushed back Buffy's hair from her cheek. "Buffy get your stake there's a Vamp!" Buffy reached between her thighs and whipped out Mr. Pointy.

"Where Wills, where's it at?" Then Buffy looked at how they were laying, a blush colored her face. Willow grinned at her friend.

"And I thought you were just glad to see me...sparkage....I mean Slayage weapon...quiet is good." Buffy jumped to her feet and stretched her arms over her head, images flew through her brain of her and Wills wrapped around each other.

"What is wrong with me?" She thought to herself. "Wills has Oz, a bad, I mean PMS is bad but you can't share that time of the month with a Werewolf! Sure, here's your Midol now let me rip your arms off. NOT!" She came from her meandering at the sight of Oinker raising a log over her head.

THUNK!!

"Take that moron!"

Jack lay sprawled out on her back with a big grin on her face.

"What's the what?" Asked Buffy.

"Ohh, Ahhh Jack needed her medication and she just...never mind."

Willow looked down at Jack with panic clearly showing on her face. "Will she be ok?"

"Oh yeah, give her a few minutes and she be her abnormal self again. I'm going to take you guys back to the Village to the Queen, maybe between her and the Warrior P they can figure out how to get you guys back."

"Are there any Vampires, Demons or any other dead things around here to slay?"

Oinker raised one eyebrow and stared up into the sky. "Nope, I think Xe and Brie took care of all those things." Buffy smiled. "A vacation, I'm having a real vacation! Kay lets get going." They started to leave when Willow remembered Jack. "Oinker what about..."

"Ohhh yeah, look Poni's naked!" She yelled then watched Jack jump up and search around them.

"Where?"

Oinker shook her head. "In the village, now let's go."


Hours later, they were still walking, Oinker had thought about it briefly then it went out of her head.

"Oinker, question shouldn't we be there by now? Or are we just gonna walk in this big circle all day?"

"Circle? We're not walking in a circle; I'm following the trail markers."

"Nope." Buffy shook her head and crossed her arms over her chest.

"What Buffy's trying to say is that Jack is behind us marking ALL the trees with a big X." Willow informed her. Oinker's face turned a neat shade of purple, the veins in her neck and temple bulged. She bellowed so loud that the leaves on the trees were ripped right off the limbs.

"That's it you're dead! When I catch you I'm gonna rip your arms off and beat you to death with them!"

Oinker took off running through the trees after Jack; they wove their way around trees and bushes. Jack was in better shape cuz of all the running she did from the Amazons who wanted her dead, so there was one thing left to do. Oinker stopped running, in between heavy breaths she yelled. "PONI!" Jack looked over her shoulder for Poni; she turned back around and ate tree bark. Jack dropped like a rock to the ground. "I'm gonna kill her! Better yet I'll let Poni kill her!" Oinker walked over, grabbed Jack by her side braid, and dragged her to her feet. Wobbling, Jack scanned the area for Poni.

"Where's Poni?" Oinker slapped her in the back of the head.

"In the village that we can't find, dumbass!"

"Oh. were we going to the village? I can find that, remember we kinda live there?"

Willow and Buffy stood watching in amazement. "They're kinda like Xander and Cordy huh Wills?"

"That's scary, but true."

"Oink, all we gotta do is follow the red feather mark on the trees."

*************************

Buffy was walking next to Oinker while Willow and Jack walked behind them sharing a somewhat senseless conversation on Jacks part.

"Do I look ok, Willow?"

"Uuuhhmmm, yeah except for the swelling, bruises and those two lumps on your forehead. Maybe you should have those looked at?"

"Nah, Oinker says their normal for me." She grinned with her jagged pointy teeth.

Oinker stopped when she seen the no trespassing marker hanging in the tree.

"This is where we stop, just do as I do and the guards will take us to the village."

They all copied Oinker by raising their arms over their heads with the exception of Jack, who took off running through the trees screaming. Four guards dropped down from the trees to stand in front of them. "WOW...Buffy...Giles will never believe this!"

"Wills...is this geeker joy for you?"

"I've read about the Amazons and ...Quiet is good."

All they heard was many women screaming "Oh NO she's back!" and Jack continuing to scream. The guards left them at the edge of the village then retreated to their posts. Buffy scanned the trees looking for Jack. "What about Jack?" Just then, a stoic Amazon ran past them.

"Who was that?" Wills asked.

"That is the quiet time enforcer." Oinker laughed as she walked in to the village square. They heard a very loud scream of Poni then all was quiet and still. "See, all is calm and quiet now, come on I'm starving."

They were sitting at a table eating when Wills had water shoot out of her nose, coughing she wiped her face. "Buffy?" Wills pointed across the room at a tall woman in strange leathers and a smaller woman following behind her with a parchment in her hands, she scribbled continuously as they walked.

"Now make sure you get all this down.

1. No more men in the village, all pregnancies will be done by artificial insemination. It will be known as Baster Day.

2. No samples from the Centaur village, that is too weird, reminds me of Elle Mae.

Buffy stared at them. "Wills that looks like Miss Jane from the Beverly Hillbilly's!

"But who's the trampy thing with her?" Willow snorted. "Cordy would be having a fashion fit over them."

3. This village is to be Joxer and Ares free.

"I like that idea Big J. can we banish some others?"

"Discord, Discord if we banish all of them who would be the sperm donors?"

"Well I was thinking of Hercules, He's sooo pussy whipped!

"I'll think about it. Now where was I?" They continued through the room under the stares of Buffy and Willow.

"EEEWWW Day glow feathers, I bet they went to Rodeo drive for those outfits!"



#########################################


Poni had Jack draped over her shoulder, she was tromping through the village square when Jack came to, a huge grin on her face as she gazed down at Poni's ass. She reached down to cop a feel when she caught movement out of the corner of her blackened eye. "Touch her and I'll break both your arms!" Eph stood with a massive set of Chobo's in her hands.

"Ohh goody it'll go with my broken legs!" Jack piped up with way to much joy.

"Poni you butch thing you, after ya take care of dumbass I need to see you in our hut." Eph winked at her wife. Poni took off running towards the healer's hut, without even stopping, she threw Jack through the unopened door.

"I'm coming Ephy!" A charging Poni mowed anyone who got in the way down; her ducks were forgotten for a while. Amazons froze at the yells coming from the Regents hut, then scattered when contents started coming out of the doors and windows.

********************

"Gods Eph, you are a wicked woman!"

"Just wait, you ain't seen nothing yet!"

Poni was tied to the bed with shackles, her leathers thrown to the winds and any thing that could carry them out of the village since they seemed to have gone out the window. Eph pulled from under their bed a huge bundle of yellow colored feathers, she started at Poni's neck, working her way down she tickled her lover's skin, teasing her to the point of her thrashing against her shackles.

"Ya know what this is called my little Poni?"

"Torture?"

"Nope!" Eph reached under the bed once again, this time pulling out a mask. Pulling it over her face, she climbed on top of her lover. Poni gave her a huge toothy grin.

"Baby Ducky!"

Eph looked through the holes of a yellow duck mask. "Ducky Sutra, Poni. If ya can't bite their heads off, ya join them."



#########################################

Xe and Brie walked in to the food hut holding hands, the W.P. had a goofy grin on her face, and everyone in the village knew how it got there. She had become a different Warrior since their return from Hollywood. The Queens Guard had even seen her out in the fields picking wild flowers for Brie. They were more at ease around her since she didn't seem to want to kill them anymore, but heartbroken that two of the most bodacious women in the village were off the market. But with the news of two new comers in the village every thing looked brighter. And Solari was on her way to introduce herself to them, come Hades or an offspring of Joxer she would have one of them in her bed. Putting on her best leathers, she then headed to where they were last seen. Brie was sitting on Xe's lap feeding her nut bread when Xe saw Solari come through the door.

"I see trouble, Sol is on the move!" Xe chuckled. "No, she can't be going over ta see Oinker," She squinted. "Brie who's that with her?" Brie followed Xe's finger to where Buffy and Willow sat with Oinker.

"Got me Xe, they seem to be like those Californians we saw."

Solari checked out the situation, her eyes fell on Willow; a smirk lifted the corner of her mouth. Leaning over Willow, she ran her fingers up her arms causing goose bumps to rise. And then whispered in her ear, her warm breath sending a chill down her spin. This was not lost to Buffy; Mr. Pointy made an appearance and tapped Solari on her shoulder.

"Cuse, what's the sitch?"

"Huh? Run that by me again."

"What are you doing to Willow?"

Solari puffed out her chest. "If she wants you ta know she'll tell ya. So how about it, Red?"

"Aaahhh...I...let me...." Her scared green eyes looked to Buffy for help.

"How about she let you know later?" Buffy stood to face Solari who towered above her 5ft by a good 8inches.

"Don't be to long about it I may be busy." She ran her fingers across Willows neck as she walked past.

Xe was laughing. "Sol shoots and misses! Newbies 1. Amazons Zilch!"

Buffy noticed the blush on her friends face. "Spill Wills."

"Uuhhmm she...wants to...this is embarrassing...I...."

"Wills!"

"Ok, but I'll whisper it in your ear."

Willow leaned in to Buffy, putting her hand on Buffy's thigh she moved blond hair out of her way with her other hand. She didn't see the reaction her innocent movements caused in her friend. Buffy's heart beat against her ribs, her blood pressure shot through the roof and all that she could think of was turning her head to meet Willow soft lips. "Come on Buff, detour that thought, think of dog boy, dead boy, X-man. To hell with them SO not interested in them!" Her brain was misfiring from her best friends' warm breath against her ear.

"What do you think Buff, is that way gross or what?"

"No not at all!" Buffy had no clue as to what Wills had just told her.

"Buffy she wants to... you know "do it" with me and you don't think that's weird or gross?"

Buffy's eyes changed to a deep blue. She had no idea why but right now, she was jealous. "Wills it's not uncommon, I mean you're...very attractive and I can see why she would want to... You know... because I would...never mind."

Wills was floored. Buffy had never acted like this before, not even when she found out about Oz or even when she had found out about her and Xander. "By the Goddess Hecate, Buffy can't mean she's interested!" Screamed in the little witches head. She reached over and grabbed Buffy's hand. "Thanks Buff, but I'm not interested in her." She smiled at her best friend, not wanting to let go she continued to hold her hand.

"No prob Wills."

Oinker had been watching what was going on with the two women; she shook her head and decided it was time to break up the flirting fest. "Ok guys, I'll show ya to one of the guests huts after we check on Jack."

"How are we going to find her, the last time we seen her was on the way here." Willow questioned.

"That's easy; Poni got her, so she's in the healers hut." Oinker grinned at them.



#########################################

Jack was in her normal spot while in the village, she was here so often that she had her own cot in the healers hut, complete with traction ropes. She was harassing the healer when her friends walked in.

"Thank Artemis your here Oinker, do something with her before I put her mouth in traction!" The healer pleaded.

"Jack, knock it off or I'll go find Bonnie!"

Jacks blackened eyes bulged at that name from her past.

"NO! I'll be good, just don't get Bonnie!"

Buffy and Willow looked at all the splints and bandages covering Jacks body.

"Ouch, who did this to you?" Buffy squinted at the black and blue Amazon.

"My true love, Poni!"

"I think you had better take another look at your relationship with this Poni person, it's not healthy!" Willow shivered with the thought of that much pain.

"That's the problem! Poni's married to the Regent but numskull here just won't give up!"

"Oohh Oinker, who got caught, being a peeping Amazon when the Queen was in the bath house?"

"Shut up Jack! Come on I'll take you guys to your hut."

Jack lay in her cot laughing at the look on Oinker's face when she mentioned her little escapade with her peeping and Jail time with Bonnie.


Oinker and her two friends walked towards the guest huts, on the way they passed Xe and Brie, who just happened to be wrapped around the Warrior P. like a second skin. Their tongues dueling together, hands sliding all over each other's bodies. Willow was the first to notice. "Oinker who's that and does this happen all the time here in the village?"

"Ohh that's just our Queen, Gabrielle and her wife Xena the Warrior Princess, This is an Amazon village, we have no interest in men here, ain't that great?"

"I guess. Buffy what do you think?"

"Uuhhmm," She had no idea what to say since she couldn't get her eyes off Brie and Xe. "Has possibilities!" She shook her head at what she just said. "Did I just say that out loud?" She thought to herself.


"Here ya go, the bath house is behind the hut next to ya and if ya need anything I'm right next door."


They went inside, noticing right off that there was only one bed.

"Wills you can have the bed, I'll sleep on the floor by the fire place."

"Buff, the bed is more than big enough, we can share."

"Are ya sure?"

"Yep, this place Buff...wow...it's so..."

"Gotcha, come on lets get some sleep. Oh wait I have to...no I don't! Wills, no strolls in a cemetery tonight!"

Wills mind fell in to the gutter as to a different kind of strolling that Buffy could do tonight but with her fingers. They turned their backs to each other and stripped down to their underwear. Willow was the first one under the blankets; she laid perfectly still, her eyes closed tightly so that she couldn't see Buffy. She felt the bed dip when she got in. "Wills chill, I won't bite and it's not like we haven't slept in the same bed before." Buffy turned on her side to face the door.

"Sorry Buff, it's kinda weird...ya know with being away from home and all."

"Weird sitch, now sleep."

**********************


Oinker was restless; she tossed and turned in her bed. Finally, she got up and walked through the village. She ended up in front of the bathhouse, peeking inside she saw two bodies through the thick steam; she knew if she stood there, the guards would wonder why. So she crept around to the back, just as she came to her favorite peeping hole she fell over something and landed on her stomach. "What the Hades?"

"Quiet Oink, the guards will get us!"

"Jack you moron, what are you doing outta the healers hut?"

"I wasn't about ta miss this; ya know how the duo and the duoettes hang out here at night."

Jack peeked through the hole in the bathhouse wall, a deep moaning came from her as she pushed her eye further against the hole.

"What are they doing Jack?"

"Nothin"

"Then what are ya moaning about?"

"My eye hurts." She whined. "Ooohhh sweet Artemis!"

"What?"

"Turn just a little...OH YES!"

"Damn it Jack, let me see!"

"Ohh, what I wouldn't give ta be that sponge!"

Jack and Oinker fought over who was going to peep, they thrashed around on the ground, Jack kept yelping.

"I'm gonna break both your arms Jack!"

"Nope, I think that's my job."

Jack and Oinker froze, two sets of eyes rose to take in one pissed of Amazon.

"Hi ya Poni, nice night for ahhh...you're a GODDESS, let me lick you dry!" Jack moaned.

Oinker groaned and covered her head. "We're dead!"


#########################################

Laughing could be heard coming from the bathhouse. Brie was rolling on the floor with tears streaming down her face. "I can't believe you two did that!" In between snorting, she spoke. "But they got their wish!"

Eph fell of the bench she was sitting on, holding her stomach that hurt from laughing. "Yep, now they can peep all they want." Poni gave Xe a high five. "Right Xe?"

Xe gave them a grin "We are such bitches!"

********************************


Oink suspended from her belt thrashed around from her hanging place on the wall next to Jack.

"I hate you Jack!" Her legs flailing in the air as she tried to kick Jack. "We may go blind from seeing all this!"

"How was I supposed ta know that Poni and Xe would put us in here!"

"If I ever get down from here I'm gonna kill you!"

They hung from the wall in the community bathhouse, handing out towels to all the Fugly women that came in. One of which was Bonnie, all 400lbs of her.

"Jack you stud, when I get done were gonna play the whole night." Bonnie trailed her short fat finger down Jacks cheek, then dropped her towel and scared 20 years off Jack and Oinker's demented lives.

"AAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Help Oinker get me down from here!"

Oinker was laughing hysterically. "Not in my lifetime STUD!"


#########################################


Buffy woke to the sounds of screams, jumping out of bed she charged out in to the village center. What she saw scared the life out of her. Jack was slung over this extremely fat Amazon's shoulder, Jack pummeled the woman's back but her hands kept sinking into the blubber. Buffy spun around when she felt a hand touch her shoulder.

"Buffy what is that?"

"Ya know Faiths saying 5X5? Well, that's a new meaning for it!"

They ran after Bonnie and Jack and caught up with ease since Bonnie couldn't move very fast on her short legs.

"Hey, you Jenny Craig flunky, what are ya doing with Jack?" Buffy inquired.

"It's the Studs play time, do you mind."

"Kinda, since she just happens to be my girlfriend."

Willows jaw dropped, her eyebrows shot up in to her hairline.

"Buff...she's...Oooohhh...right, Slayer thing."

"Wanna take her place Blondie?"

"NOT!" Buffy shivered. "Now put her down before I give you a TaeBo lesson."

Willow bit her lip to keep from laughing. "I hear there's an Orgy on the other side of the village, you might want to check that out, after all Jack wouldn't be much for a...ahhh?you." Willow spit out.

"Orgy, ahh? say the other side?"

Buffy looked to Willow with a raised eyebrow.

"Yep, just keep on walking, but you have to say 'here little snipe' it's a password thing."

Bonnie threw Jack at her saviors and took off waddling across the village yelling for the snipe.

"Gods, I thought I was a goner, she would have smashed me, I would have been a flat Jack!"

"Where's Oinker?" They asked.

"Oohh she's hanging around somewhere?" She answered with a big grin.

They helped Jack to their hut and got her settled on the floor by the fireplace where she drifted off to sleep.

"Buff, why did you tell that blob that Jack was...you know?"

"Ohh so I wouldn't have to do the Slayer thing in my underwear." She placed her hand on Willow's shoulder and noticed her friends green eyes deepen in color. "I didn't mean it ya know, she's not my type?"

Willow's hopes deflated, she hung her head letting her hair fall over her eyes.

"Of course I know...it's just...never mind."

Buffy saw the hurt look on her best friends face and was confused but at the same time a small doubt ran through her mind of her friends true feelings.


#########################################


The next morning they saved a pissed off and stiff Oinker from any further scary sights in the bath. After breakfast, they went to the sparring area to watch. Buffy was amazed at how the Amazons fought and knew that she could learn from them. She mentioned this to Jack and Oinker. Jack seeing an opportunity to gawk at Poni hobbled over to the Weapons Master and told her from four foot off the ground through her closed off windpipe. Poni motioned to Buffy to join her in the ring, within moments she was sweating and dogging a set of chobo's. Brie, Xe and Eph watched from the side and that's when Brie saw the look on Willows face as she watched her best friend spar. It was a look that she knew all so well. She leaned up to whisper in Xe's ear then motioned to Buffy. Xe knew exactly what to do and how to do it. Leaving her lovers side she, stopped the sparring then and had Buffy and Poni follow her, she whispered to Poni what they had witnessed and her plans. Brie and Eph joined Jack and the others to start their own plan.

"Sooo does she know?" Brie asked a startled Willow.

"Excuse me?"

"That you want more?"

"More what...Ooohh, I'm window girl aren't I? No she doesn't...how do you."

"We know the symptoms don't we Eph?" Brie chuckled. "Come with us, and Oinker put your tongue back in your mouth or I'll call Xe."

******************************


Ares sat on the floor of his temple with his sheep racking his brain as to what to do. He knew that he couldn't call on either Dite or Artemis or Discord since she had disappeared, Dad was out of the question. Then it hit him. "The Fates!" He could go to them and have them run time back and avoid all this including his carnal knowledge with his leather-clad sheep.

The Fates knew he was coming so they decided to hide. But they couldn't leave the wheel or the threads of so many lives, that's one of the reasons why they wanted a Union, they were tired of no vacations, no paid lunches and the hours sucked! The best they could do was throw a big sheet over the three of them and hope the God of War didn't notice them. Ares popped in to the Fates weaving room and looked around, if it wasn't for the thread running under the sheet Dipshit would have missed them. He snorted at the site.

"Nice try girls, I need a favor and quick!"

"Baaaa!"

"Cute, now are you going to help me or not? Because if you don't I'll call Dad!"

"And tell him what? That you're a sheep fucker...I mean herder!" Giggles came from under the sheet.

"I oughtta! Just forget it, damn witches!" He pondered for a moment. "Shit I forgot about them!" Rubbing his hands together, he leered at the Fates hiding under their sheet. Raising his hand he was about to zap them when he heard his Mom warn him. Instead, he stuck his tongue out at them and left.

The Furies had been given the heads up by the Fates of Ares plan to visit them. They were all hung over and would rather face Ares than try to move.

"Geez! You guys look rough! What did you do hit every bar in Greece?"

"Nope." Electra opened one bloodshot eye. "It was Biker Dyke night at Dite's."

"Damn Lesbians, one woman in the whole world that's not a Dyke, instead she's a sheep!"

"And she gets to stay that way, because the only one who can turn her back is Artemis. And she's still pissed at you!"

Ares temper flared, he knew there was no way that Artemis would reverse her spell. Not after all he had done to her Chosen one. "So what if I shrunk that ugly green top she always wore. It was GROSS!"

News traveled fast on Olympus. All the God and Goddesses started sending gifts to his temple. They sat around and waited for the explosion. Within seconds, a huge mushroom shaped cloud erupted, hovering over his temple. He picked up a leather bound book and read the cover. "Sex. You and your livestock. By Ares God of Herds."


#########################################


Arte and Dite sat around Poni's new pub sipping Granny's special recipe elixir. After a few shots, whether they were immortal or not they were feeling no pain. At this point, they didn't care if Ares found them, they were more concerned with if they would be able to find their way out of the room later. Poni and Xe took Buffy to get her a change of clothes with the intentions of giving Willow heart palpations when she saw her friend. Buffy could care less with clothes since she moved to SunnyHell; she had what she called 'break and enterage' clothes. But after Xe and Poni got done with her, even Cordy would give her a double take along with a snide comment about Biker Dykes on parade.

She ran her hands down the soft black leather pants with black knee high boots, the silk Pirates shirt hung open half way down her chest. "Angel wear, cool. I really like this stuff guys, but can ya tell me why I'm dressed like this?"

"Women like leather! Right Xe?"

"Well I prefer a certain Queen with her leather on the floor." She wiggled her eyebrows at Poni. "Not like some Amazons who throw theirs out the window."

"Eph did that, just wait until tonight though cuz I have on her rabbit fur underwear and there's no way she'll toss them out the door!"


#########################################

Willow was being treated very much the same by Brie and Eph. They had her dressed in a soft brown color; her leathers looked pretty much, like what Brie wore except for the green stones on her gauntlets. "Wow...Geeker Joy...I have never..."

"We know, that's why were helping." Laughed Eph.

"Uuhhmm, is this...gonna you know...work?"

"If it doesn't we can always call on Xe's Aunt Dite." Brie cocked an eyebrow. "Maybe not."

"Aunt Dite?"

"Aphrodite Goddesses of Smut, guarantees you will need handcuffs for your date!" Striking Dite's infamous pose Eph tossed her hair. "Listen Red, one of my spells and the women will be chasing you."

"More like every warlord between here and Thrace!" Brie tossed in. "Don't worry, we'll help you."

*******************

Xe and Poni took Buffy to the Pub; taking the back table, they sat sipping shine while they waited for their wives to bring Willow. Buffy noticed two women passed out on top of one of the tables, she couldn't help but laugh when the blond started snoring loudly, the darker one reached over and grabbed her nose, releasing it when the snoring stopped.

"Who are those two over there?"

"My Ma and Aunt."

"Your Ma and Aunt, but they don't look any older than you; I'm not saying your old but...get it?"

"Well ya see, they're Goddesses." Buffy's blue eyes grew in size. "Arte is her Ma and Dite is Dite."

Buffy was still starring at Poni when Willow came through the door. Poni turned her around; if she hadn't been standing there Buffy would have fallen on the floor from the site of her best friend dressed in leathers with feathers braided in her shoulder length red hair. They slowly walked towards each other, stopping in the middle of the floor to gaze in to each other's eyes.

"Wills...I...wow!"

"Wow yourself."

A few Amazons came in with instruments; soon the pub was filled with sensual music. Couples danced closely together, moving, as they were one. Willow looked into Buffy's blue eyes; tilting her head to the side, she gave her an impish smile. "Buff, can we...you know...but if you don't...I'll understand." Buffy moved closer to Wills, hesitant at first until she felt tingles go through her body from the closeness of her best friend. Putting her arms around Wills waist, she pulled their bodies closer, with out even knowing it they were moving slowly against each other. Buffy nestled her face against Willows neck, the scent that was just Wills caused a flame to shoot downward. Willow was in Elysia, with each of Buffy's movement she felt her tight muscles move under her hands. She knew holding Buffy would be like this.

Four voyeurs sat across the room smiling at another match made in the village.

"Well guys we did good." Poni held her cup up to the others for a toast.

************************

Oinker and Jack snuck in to the pub, keeping to the shadows they made their way to the opposite corner of Brie and her group and closer to the stil. Jack pulled out a small bottle from her leather pouch and dumped it in to the stil.

"What was that?" Oinker asked.

Jack gave her a ragged grin. "Ooohh somethin to liven the place up a bit, Dite gave it ta me."

"Oohh for the love of Gods!"



#########################################


Hours later, everyone in the Pub were having one hell of a time standing, the room was spinning so fast that most of them decided to forgo leaving and just crash where they fell. With the exception of a few who had left the shine to the braver Amazons. Jack was crawling across the floor on her way to Poni's side when Oinker grabbed her by her foot.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm gonna drag Poni outta here and spend the rest of the night in Elysia."

"Yep, that's where you'll be all right, WHEN SHE KILLS YOU!"

Jack picked up Poni's hand and was about to drag her away when Poni wrapped her arm around her neck and pulled her head down to her breast. Oinker didn't know whether to cover her eyes or her ears, instead she just stood stock still waiting for an explosion. Jack lay still not knowing what to do. Glancing to Poni's other breast she seen that Eph was out cold. "Oohh well, I'll share." She thought to herself.

Buffy and Wills were still dancing close together. Buffy pulled back a little to gaze into dark green eyes. She caressed Willow's cheek with her fingertips, then her lower lip. Leaning in, she placed a soft kiss on her lips. Willows heart just about fell out of her chest when Buffy kissed her. Buffy was about to pull back when she felt hands brush through her hair and come to rest on the back of her neck. Willow pulled Buffy in closer to her. Taking the plunge, she deepened their kiss.

"I've wanted to do that for years, Buffy."

"Me too, lets go."

"Where?"

"We have a lot of time to make up for."

"WOW!" Was all Wills could think of to say as she was lead out of the Pub.

Oinker stood off to the side with her hands clutched to her chest watching her young friend's exchange their first kiss then leave for what would be their most memorable night. She was just about to leave when she felt someone grab her ass, thinking it was Jack she spun around to see at a set of the biggest tits she had ever seen. Her eyes kept traveling up the Amazons body to end up looking into green eyes. Before she knew what happened she was thrown over a shoulder and carried out. She pumped her one arm in to the air and yelled "FINALLY!"


#########################################

The hut was dark except for the flames in the fireplace giving off a soft glow. Buffy stood next to it watching the sparks go up the flue. She was battling with her emotions; her feelings for her best friend had finally come to the surface after years of pushing them down for fear of losing their friendship. She knew from the very beginning that her feelings for Willow were different from what she had for her other friends, even for Angel. But coming to this place had changed all that, it was magical and free here with these strange women. They made her feel safe to let down her walls, to show what her heart has been hiding. Willow stopped beside her, leaning against the hearth with the soft glowing flames bringing out the highlights in her hair. "Buffy are you ok?"

"Never better, come here."

Closing the distance between them to less than a foot, Wills looked in to Buffy's blue eyes.

"Wills we need to talk."

"I know." She tipped her head to the side in the way that was most endearing to Buffy; in return, Buffy could deny her nothing. "It can wait." Pulling Wills to her, she picked her up and carried her to their bed, sitting her down on the edge Buffy pulled the pin that was holding her leather top together. She slipped the straps from her shoulders and was not prepared for what was before her eyes. Willow's alabaster skin was warm and soft to her touch. Trailing her fingertips from collarbone to the swell of her breasts, she brushed the pads of her thumbs across taut nipples. Dropping to her knees, she felt Wills push into her hands, leaning forward she gave her a soft kiss on each breast. Wills ran her fingers through Buffy's silky blonde hair at her temples to rest on the sides of her neck. Darkened green eyes locked with blue darkened with emotions. A single tear slipped down Wills cheek to be brushed away by Buffy.

"It's always been you Buffy, when I was with Oz it was your face I saw, your name that came to my lips and when it was over it was you that I wanted to hold against me."

"I didn't know you felt this way."

"And you still wouldn't if it hadn't been for our friends here seeing past our masks. Gods I'm Poetic Girl!"

"Wills, be my girl."

They came together in a soft kiss that deepened with a hunger neither one of them had ever felt before. Fingers caressed virgin flesh soft moans escaped their lips. Each could feel the trembling of their nether lips as their arousal burned like a roaring fire. Clothes having been discarded their bare flesh glided together when they lay upon the bed. Buffy trailed kisses down across Willow's breasts, taking her time, she suckled each nipple until she felt Willow pushing her lower to where her hips were thrusting up to press into Buffy's stomach. She hovered mere inches above Willow's navel, dipping her tongue down she teased the quivering flesh. The scent of her lover's arousal reached her, she wasted no time to move between Willow's thighs. Sliding her fingers through the wetness at first, exploring her lovers secrets for the first time. Wills chest was heaving, her breathing short and ragged then stopped completely when she felt Buffy's tongue slip between her folds. Sliding two fingers inside, Buffy slowly pumped while she flicked Wills swollen nub with her tongue, then pulled it between her lips and gently sucked. Wills was at the verge of climaxing, Buffy could feel the muscles in her body start to tense. Hooking her fingers upward, she sent her lover in to babble mode. "Buff...oohh?yes...Gods....SLAYER!!" Was heard through out the village as her climax crashed over them soaking Buffy with her juices. Wills lay in amazement. "I've never had one of those before." She whispered to her lover who now covered her body with her own.
"Never?" She questioned. "We're talking Oz Sparkage to Slayer Electrocution!"

"Oh, that's a good!"

"Buff, that's a very good!"

Willow flipped Buffy over on to her back, taking control for the first time. "Buff, I'm not...ya know...how?"

"Wills." Buffy spoke in a soothing voice. "Neither did I."

"Oh." Willow started by kissing her lover long and deep, their limbs entangling as they moved against each other. Will's mind ran to pictures she had pulled up on her PC and it hit her as to what to do. Sitting up, she turned so that she was facing Buffy's feet. Straddling Buffy's waist, she bent over and nudged her thighs apart, burying her face in to blond curls, she licked the swollen throbbing nub before her. Buffy's hips shot up to meet her. "Wills...again!" She had the idea now and continued by slipping her tongue in to her lover's warm wet folds. Buffy was going nuts, her one experience with sex never prepared her for this. But she needed to touch Willow. Turning onto her side, she took Willow with her. Throwing Wills leg over her shoulder, she started licking the juices from her lover, both women were moaning in to each other. Their bodies tensed then they went over screaming each other's names in to the night. Still trembling Buffy pulled Wills in to her arms, cradling her head on her shoulder she whispered to her.

"God Wills, I've never felt like this before. I love you, Willow Rosenberg."

Tears flowed down Willows cheeks; she looked up in to the blue eyes of her lover. Placing a soft kiss to her lips, "I love you Elizabeth Summers, forever." Curled around each other they slipped in to the land of dreams.


#########################################


Late that night, Artemis and Dite where coming to after their little bout with the shine, their heads were pounding, mouths full of cotton and they just felt like Centaur Shit! Arte struggled to her feet grabbing on to every surface available to make it over to where the shine was sitting.

"Here ya go Sis, hair of the dog that chomped on us."

Dite took a sip from her cup, her eyebrows drawn down she glanced at the clear liquid then sniffed. "Arte, did you spike this stuff?"

"No why?"

Dite rummaged around in her bodice pulling out little bottles and lining them up on the tabletop. "Shit, I knew it!" Glaring around the room, "My cold medicine is missing!" Then she spotted Jack asleep across the room. "That little shit! She snagged it when she bumped in to me!"

Arte looked at her sisters tits. "She got her hand in there and you didn't know it?"

"Hades, I get grabbed so much I don't even notice anymore. I'll fix her, the dog!"

"Hold on Sis, look at her real close now."

"EEEWWW, she looks like a road after a chariot race!"

"Exactly, my sweet little Weapons Master Poni does that to her every time she gets near her. And when Eph wakes up I have a feeling she's gonna want a piece of her too!"

Dite looked closer at the three women, Poni was on the bottom with Eph and Jack tangled together on top of her.

"All right Sis I'll leave her alone...for now!"

Arte was interrupted by the screaming of her name coming from one of the huts on the other side of the village, giving Dite a big toothy grin. "They just love me." Then Dite's name and other Gods and Goddesses names were screamed as well in the same voice.

"Damn, girlfriend! She must have a wild thing in there with her, who is that anyway?" The proud Goddess of love asked.

They turned at the sound of mumbling coming from Jack. "Shut up, Oinker!"

"That answers that question. Come on Dite lets raid the kitchen."


#########################################


The next morning the sunrise found Amazons passed out everywhere.

Xe cracked open one bloodshot eye to see two blond heads swimming before her. Groaning she grabbed her pounding head. "Son of a bitch." She mumbled. "I'm in Hell, please kill me." Her legs were numb from Brie sitting on her lap all night, her back plate on her armor was digging into her back and her bodice felt kinda funny for some reason.

"Brie, wake up Sweety." She pleaded with her lover who just mumbled against her shoulder. "Wanna eat?" Two green eyes blinked opened to look up in to blue, stretching to get the kinks out and cause some agony for Xe she said. "Food? Nope I'm good to go." She reached down in Xe's bodice and pulled out a chicken leg. "See, all set for breakfast." Waving it in front of a suffering WP.

Jack didn't move, well she couldn't! All she knew that she was gonna pay when Eph woke up but she hoped that it would be much later. Squinting through half open lids, she looked right in to a set of hazel orbs that were so close that her eyes crossed.

"Hiya Eph, sleep good?"

Eph then realized that her arm was draped over Jack's hip and that not only was it Poni's arm that was wrapped around her but Jack's too.

"You're a dead woman, Jack!"

Thinking quick and lying through her jagged teeth, she replied. "Well, last night after...you know, doing it you kept saying 'Jack, I'm in Elysia!' So if ya mean that kind of dead, then, yep I been there." Eph's eyebrows danced over her eyes.

"DID NOT!"

"DID TOO"

"DID NOT!!"

"ASK PONI!"


"What?" Camel colored eyes tried to focus. Jack and Eph went back to their Did too's and not's. Finally, Poni grabbed Eph and kissed her into silence. Jack seeing the opportunity to have the last word continued. "Did too did to DID TOO!!!!" Poni released Eph's lips leaving a gasping Regent. "What the Hell!" She grabbed Jack and kissed her too. Jack risked her life, pulling Poni into a clinch, she kissed her long and deep. When Poni passed out, she laid her back down. "Gods, I love you guys!" Then she gave Eph a sweet kiss and struggled to her feet leaving a shocked Regent and comatose Poni as she hobbled out the door on splinted legs with a huge grin on her face.


#########################################

Oinker heard a commotion in their hut, as she rolled over to face the door, she felt the warm body next to her. Cuddling up to the body she went back to sleep forgetting all about Jack falling through the door.


*******************


Staggering Amazons moved through the village holding on to each other and their throbbing heads trying to make it to the food hut. Xe had finally got Brie off her lap and after spending some time in the little Warriors room she ambled off to get her Queen her nut bread. On her way, she heard a scream come from one of the huts, running towards it she realized that it was Jack and Oinker's hut so she stopped outside to wait and see what happened.

"PONI'S GONNA KILL ME!"

"No she's not Oink, I just left her and Eph a little bit ago."

Oink was hysterical. "Yes she is, I'm in bed with her wife!"

Eph sat up, rubbed the sleep from her eyes, and yawned. In her sexiest voice, she told Oink not to worry about it. Tossing the blankets off, she grabbed her leathers and walked towards the door showing Jack just what she hid under her leathers. Jack's jaw was hanging on her chest, Oink's eyes rolled back in her head. "I'M GONNA DIE!" Oink whined. The Regent stopped and blew them both kisses then was gone.

Xe stood in front of their hut waiting for Eph.

"Eph, what are you doing?"

Dark brows wiggled above darkening eyes. "Jealous Xeeenaaaa?" The blond dragged out Xe's name.

"Oooohhh, Shit!"

"You are sooo good at this!" She said as she walked past and slapped Xe on her ass. She let out a blood-curdling scream than vanished.

Xe shook her head, mumbling to herself she headed to the food hut. "I'm not saying a thing, nope, not, can't, won't, still drunk, Fury Fever, couldn't be her, yes it could!" Memories ran through her head of all the times that Brie seemed extra kinky. "NAH!" But a inkling of doubt was there.



************************


The village was almost back to normal by mid afternoon, Amazons still suffering from hangovers were laying under the trees in the shade praying for quick deaths. The Slayer and Willow sat sharpening stakes under the questioning looks of Xe, Brie and Eph.

"You have Bachai running loose in your time, and you two go out and dust them with wooden stakes?" Brie questioned them.

"Yep, dust buster time, right Wills?"

"It's a little more complicated than that, Buffy likes to down play her role." Brie gave her wife an evil glare. "And you had us fighting those 'things' to get their bones and all I had to do was sharpen my staff!"

Xe tried to hide her sheepish grin by turning her head to stare at the most interesting cloud formation she had ever seen. "How was I to know, I heard it from a Bard!"

"And you believe all the stories that Bards tell? You know that I make up most of the stuff I tell!" Xe's blue eyes bore into her lover, that left eyebrow shot up into her hairline.

"And just what is it that you make up?"

"Open mouth and insert foot, Uuhhmm nothing about you of course, except for one time I told the story about the Titans and gave you credit for waking them." Green eyes twinkled as a grin shot across her face for all of two seconds then disappeared when she saw that Xe was getting up with clenched jaw and fists. "Ohhh Centaur shit! I'm sorry Xe, it was funny, really!" Brie took off at a dead run. "They didn't believe you were a virgin though, at least not for long!" She yelled over her shoulder. Eph remembered when Brie had told the story one night at the village fire when Xe had been out hunting with Poni. The Amazons believed Brie and were determined to deflower the W.P. the healers hut was full that night. And it took hours for the imprint from Brie's staff to disappear from her cheek where she had fallen asleep with it against her face while she stood guard over Xe while she slept.

"So tell me Eph, where's Poni?"

Eph looked at the little red head trying to lose fingers with the huge knife she used on the stake.

"Last time I saw her she was playing with her ducks. Knew it was a big mistake getting those dam things for her." The last part she mumbled. Wills was about to get up when they heard the sentry sound the alarm of attack. Eph jumped up and ran towards her hut yelling out instructions as she went. Poni was lying on her stomach in front of a mud puddle pushing her duckies to the other side to Jack.

"Damn, I knew it!" She yelled. "I never get ta play!" Whining, she got up leaving everything where it was.

Amazons ran to the center waiting for the go ahead from their Queen and Regent when a blood-curdling scream came from the trees. Running for her very life was Oinker and hot on her tail were the Pygmies on their goats.

"JACK YOU ASSHOLE!" She screamed as she ran past everyone. Jack stood starring at the Pygmies in total shock, until the little tubby one came forward.

"Oooohhh sweet Artemis save me!" She wailed. "Poni help!" Falling to her knees, she wrapped her arms around the Weapon Masters legs. "You gotta do something!" The Queen of the Pygmies came forward and stopped in front of them, speaking in a garbled voice to Brie and Eph. Xe started laughing and was soon rolling on the ground.

"Xe, what in Hades is so funny!" Hands planted on her hips Brie bent over her hysterical lover.

"Tubby is here for Jack!" Snorting she tried to continue. "She's betrothed to that!" She pointed to the Pygmy standing next to the Pygmy Queen.

Oinker smacked Jack in the side of her head. "I told you dumbass! Now what are ya gonna do?"

Pleading green eyes went up to Poni. "Please Poni, I'll do anything just help me!" An evil wicked grin came over Poni's face.

"Anything?" Jack nodded her head. Poni grabbed Eph and whispered in to her ear, she then passed it on to Brie who talked to Xe who was the only one who seemed to understand the Pygmies. Casting a quick look to Poni, she was given a nod.

"She's already married and I don't think you wanna fight Poni for her. So sorry about your luck."

More garbled talk between the two Pygmies, and then they pointed to Xe herself. If not for Xe's quick reflexes, the tribe would have been short two after Brie got done with them. Buffy and Wills came up behind Eph to eaves drop on what was happening.

"What's the what?" Ask Buffy.

"I think." Wills whispered. "That we have a sitch, the Pygmies are looking for wives... or slaves... goat herders... sheep fuckers." A blush crept up her neck when she heard Buffy clear her throat. "Did I say that?"

"Do some of your witchy stuff."

"Well, I could do a...no...Maybe...Ohhh I got it!" She tilted her head at an angle and gave Buffy a huge grin. "Guys I think maybe I can help here...before you know there's...a slayerage."

Xe crossed her arms over her chest and gave her that look. "Like what do you have in mind? I still think we should just give them Jack." Poni's legs were still in a death grip not because Jack was scared but because she could look right up Poni's skirt. Wills stood back from the group; raising her hands over her head, she slapped them together making a sharp sound that got every one's attention. She gave them a small grin before she started mumbling the incantation to bring in the guardians of the four corners. As her confidence grew so did her voice. "Hecate Queen of the Witches I call on you to help me out here...please?" A swirling wind raised her red hair blowing it around her face; bright colors flowed through the air around her. "I'm doing this off the top of my head...glamors...would be good...lots of glamour's of Xena." A whole bunch of eyebrows shot up with Xe being named as a glamour. Buffy shrugged her shoulders at Xe. Wills turned in place, extending her arms out making the colors move away from her to hover over the Pygmies. Soon the Pygmies got goofy smiles on their faces and started running off in to the trees. Wills stopped after she couldn't stand up any more from getting dizzy. She dropped to the ground but wobbled where she sat. At a feeling of someone behind her, she tilted her head back to look and ended up flat on her back looking up into silvery blue eyes. "Ohhh shit...I mean Ma'am...Queen...Goddess...ahhh?"

"Hecate will do." The Goddess looked down at the embarrassed little Witch.
"Glamour's huh?"

Wills scrambled to unstable feet. "I wasn't prepared...Giles usually helps...with you know my spells and stuff...but he's...sorry babble mode."

"Hecate walked over to stand in front of Xe looking her up and down. "You know their chasing naked Xena glamour's through the woods?" Brie tried not to laugh at the look on her lover's face. Hecate turned to Brie and grinned. "Well, the Xe glamour's are chasing three naked Gabrielle's with Callisto and Joxer after that." Brie choked on her laughter and went over to stand with her hands planted on her hips to look a long way up at the six foot dark Goddess.

"Hey that's not fair and it's not funny!" Hecate busted up laughing at the small Queen.

"Damn Xe you got your hands full don't you? Relax, or as my sister would say, chill blondie. Their chasing naked Dite's right now and I know when Sis finds out she's gonna be pissed!

******************

Poni sat at the table in the food hut, with an evil grin on her face she watched Jack come over to the table with an armload of trays. She had become the Royal Server as part of her repayment to Poni for saving her skinny ass. Oinker had never even been close to the Queens table let alone sit at it, but there she was right between Eph and Poni grinning like a maniac.

"Oinker, explain to us how Jack managed to get betrothed to that Pygmy," asked Brie.

"Well, it happened like this. We were on one of our travels and we came upon a clearing, thinking we had come upon Queen Cyane's village until we saw this coral all full of mud, that's when I knew something was wrong. Then all these pygmies came charging out of the woods screaming and yelling at us, poking us with those nasty little spears and pushing us until we were inside the coral. We couldn't understand a word they were saying but when the biggest of them came out of a hut heading right for us I knew we were in trouble." The more Oinker talked the bigger her eyes got, her hands gesticulating the fighting. Jack stopped behind her, raised a bowl of stew over her head, and dumped it.

"This is the real story. It all began after our little run in with Bonnie and Brie's nut bread. And since Buffy and Willow will be lost, I'll start at the beginning. It all started like this.

Now I heard through the grapevine that Oinker here was in lockup, which surprised me cuz her stealth feet always kept her out of trouble, well almost always. For once, I'm not in lockup or the stocks. I got lucky...well sorta, I finally got Poni ta bed me. Yep I finally did it, I got through ta that stoic heart of hers, little did I know what lurked back there. So here I am in the healers hut trying ta figure out how I'm gonna get her out before Bonnie gets her. The biggest problem is both of my arms are in splints. Who would have known that your arms can't be twisted around your neck like that!?! And here I thought Poni was teaching me Kama Sutra! I was just about ta get up when Brie came in with a chuckling Warrior Princess. My eyes just about fell outta my head at the condition of our little Queen. And here I thought they were all exaggerating! Anyway so I'm laying there admiring Xe, ok I was drooling down my chin and Brie comes over to me with that sweet smile on her face. My brain stops functioning, who can resist that smile!?! The next thing I know the healer is picking me up and putting this big white-collar thingy on my neck and telling me that the Queen will deal with me later! Hell I thought she already had! So I lay there pondering our big problem, all kinds of things were going on in my little mind...Xe's eyes, Brie's sweet smile, Eph's big tits, Poni's muscles, public bathing, hot tubs, a jackass....? Where the hell did that come from? Ohh I didn't mean ta forget about ya Oinker. But I had my answer! It was Cleutis, so I ran ...NOT! Try running with your arms held up in front of you at right angles! Hell I barely made it through the door! Never mind, I got Cleutis from the barn."

*****************

One Jackass...no make that two, Cleutis wasn't alone. Jack snuck through the back door of the kitchen dragging a huge cloth bag in her teeth. After finding the stash, she swept everything in to the bag and stumbled, crawled and rolled out the door trying (Notice the operative word Trying) to look normal. She managed to get the bag and the jackass to the jail where her friend Oinker was being kept along with Bonnie.

"Oinker, you in there?" A huge shadow came towards the small window.

"Bonnie, nice ta see ya again, where's Oinker?"

A high-pitched voice assaulted her ears and what's worse is she couldn't even protect them.

"You little sweet thing. When I get out of here I'm gonna take good care of you."

Jack cringed at the thought of all 400lbs of Bonnie plus another 15lbs if you counted her beard and mustache, pawing her way across her body. Shivers ran their course leaving Jack a lot jumpy.

"WHERE'S OINKER?!"

Bonnie pointed to the rafters. "Up there."

"Oink get down!" Jack yelled.

"Are you crazy!? Not in your life, it's dangerous down there!"

"Just wait a minute." Pulling the sack off the ground with her teeth by the rope she had attached to the top of it with great difficulty, she motioned to Bonnie to grab the rope through the bars.

"What's in there?" Bonnie asked.

"Your favorite and it's all yours, now pull as hard as ya can."

Jack ran to the side of the jail and watched the behemoth woman put all her weight on that rope. The jackass, Cleutis, started braying his fool head off fighting with the rope that was wrapped around his tail. He started to kick like mad, knocking pieces of the mud and stonewall of the jail down. Bonnie was getting madder by the second. She wanted what ever was in the bag and no one was gonna keep it from her! Bonnie pulled with all her strength and it gave way with a loud crash, dust flew everywhere and when it settled Bonnie was devouring her dust-covered prize. The jackass was charging away and Jack and Oink lay in a heap with what was left of the jail. With all the noise Poni and Brie who had been sparring had come running.

"I should have known!" Brie said standing over them with her green eyes flashing. "Poni, go get Xe!"

Xe got Bonnie in to the stocks using her Warlord intimidation glare while Poni and Brie took care of the other two. Brie was steaming, she handed them over to Eph for their punishment because thoughts of nasty, wicked and very painful acts rushed through her brain. And she knew if acted any of these thoughts her Rep as a goody-goody would be history.

"What the Hades were you thinking!?!" Yelled Oinker.

"Stop complaining, I got ya out didn't I?"

"Gee, thanks but next time leave me there!"

"What did ya get locked up for anyway?" Jack asked her pissed off friend.

"I got caught in the hot tub room without a scrub brush."

"What?"

OK, I'll explain. So here I was in the room by myself hiding in the corner and all of a sudden the Queen comes in. She drops her towel and gets in ta the water, the steam swirling around her body causing water droplets to form at her neck and run down across her breasts. So I'm watching all this, the steam keeps getting thicker, so I crept closer until I'm right next ta the tub. I see Brie start ta look around and I thought damn she caught me. So I ducked, the next thing I know she's stepping on my back, looses her balance and falls into Minya, whose carrying buckets of hot water. It spills all over us, then Joxer comes busting in thinking Minya's hurt. He sees Brie has red marks all over her especially on her breasts. So he starts putting this green gunk on her, Brie starts yelling cuz the gunk burns like Hades. The next thing the Honor Guards are there and asking me what I was doing. The only thing I could come up with was that I was scrubbing the floor. It would have worked to if I had a scrub brush."

Oinker stared at Jack with unblinking brown eyes. "So now ya know, get cracking Jack. And if I ever get locked up again, LEAVE ME THERE!"

They sat there Jack with a bandage on her head, cervical collar and 2 splinted arms and Oinker with numerous bruises a leg in a splint at the bottom of a huge pile of walnuts that needed to be cracked for the Queens nut bread.

"And stay away from Brie's nut bread Jack!"

"We wouldn't be here if ya had stayed away from her nut bread Oinker." Jack said wiggling her dark eyebrows. "Did ya see anything?"

"None of your damn demented business!"


8888888888888888888888888888888888



Wills brows rose to settle in her hairline, and impish grin on her face she looked to Buffy. "Boy am I glad I've never got...never mind." Her eyes rolled as she spun back around to look at Jack.

"Wills, who'd you peep on?" Buffy placed her hands across Wills breasts causing the little red head to gasp. "Come on you can tell me."

"I ahhh...well...you see...oohh ladies help me." Wills pleaded to the Goddesses. "I was peeping on you." Buffy leaned forward and kissed her neck. "I know, remember slayer sense."

"OHH!"

Buffy pulled Wills back against her chest and wrapped her arms around her. "There's got to be more to your story, so out with it."

"Ok, here we go," replied Jack.

Well the healer finally took off our splints, so we're back to normal, well almost. Bonnie is still after my skinny little ass. We've decided to get away for awhile maybe go up north and see Cyane, see what kind of trouble we can get into up there. We know Xe and her companions, not to mention the rest of the village will be happy if we never come back. But they are being really nice to us they're throwing us a going away party can you believe it?

Amazons drums beat, women danced in breach cloths and nothing else but tiny little feathers (Tweedy lost them up at the last hunting party). Jackasseous and Oinker sat side by side at the bon fire watching the dancers, their tongues hanging out and drool dripping off their chins. Every time their wineskins went dry, they were replaced with full ones. Many skins later, everything started to spin the drumbeats waved in and out then darkness and a rocking motion. Jack woke up first to find herself in a small pitch black room, claustrophobia set in, she stood up and fell over something on the floor reaching out she started to feel her way around.

"Ooowwww, damn, get your fingers outta my eyeballs!"

She would recognize that voice anywhere.

"Sorry Oink, it's dark in here, where ever here is."

"No shit, you fucking genius!"

Everything went quiet for a moment.

"What's that noise Jack?" They could hear Leeeee Dough Looooo Deeeee Dough.

"A new tribal song?"

"We don't have any Baritones...Do we?"

Jack shrugged her shoulders not as if Oink could see this. They tossed ideas back and forth until a top hatch was thrown open sunlight pouring in and blinding them. Two hands reached down and jerked them out and put them down oh so gently from about 8ft in the air. Landing on hard wood, they moaned.

"Thank you, you are so very kind." Jack growled. "You stupid son of a bitch". She mumbled under her breath and shot a glare up at their rotten host.

"Where are we?" Asked Oink.

"You're on the Kiane Queen."

They looked at each other and smiled. "We get to see Cyane, YES!" They said in unison. Jack slicked back her thick dark unibrow and Oink fixed her twisted leather top.

"Not now you two don't it's that time of the month!"

"Figures." They said.

"Now come with me it's almost lunch time."

The huge Pirate led them below to the scullery.

"Lunch is in one candle mark."
The pirate laughed hysterically at her. "You're a riot. No you cook down here everyone else eats up topside, so you better get cooking!"

"Oooookay." Jack looked at her friend. "Can you cook?"

"Breakfast, that's it."

For two weeks the pirates and crew had breakfast for all three meals, what they didn't know was that they had run out of bacon and other stuff a while ago.

"Jack I need some more fake bacon, there's not enough here for every one."

"Bitch bitch bitch, should feed them those ugly bugs that crawl across us all night long."

Oink grinned at her. "What do you think those little crunchy things are in the omelets?"

"Ohhh, yuck that's gross!" She looked at Oink. "I ate bugs?" Her face turned green. "I'm gonna be sick!"

Oinker laughed. "Not us, them."

Jack narrowed her eyes. "You sure you didn't feed me bugs?"

"Did your eggs crawl off the plate?" She smiled. "You know they tickle as they go down."

Jack ran her hand down her throat and grimaced.

"Now get me some more fake bacon."

Jack came back with a burlap bag and handed it over, Oink slammed it into the wall, counter, cutting board and jumped up and down on it for good measure then poured the contents in to a pot of boiling oil. After a few minutes, she scooped the fake bacon out.

"Ahhh, Oink hasn't any one asked about why the bacon looks well kinda weird?"

"Yeah but I told them that it was Mickieous Mouseous Brand Bacon." She held up a deep fried mouse by its crispy tail. "Want one?"

"Ahhh no thanks I'm not really hungry."

*******************

Queen Kiane was not to happy when she found out about eating deep fried mice, so the amazons got out of kitchen duty to be put on the oars. Just their luck it was an antique ship. They were separated on opposite sides from each other. When the crew started singing the amazons got carried away.

Leeee dough loooo deeeee dough
Capt. Jaaaaaaacks a little queer.
Oinker can't hold heeeeeeeer beer
Leeee dough looo deeeee dough
Ephiny sucks centaur dicks
Poni thinks there just pricks
Leeee dough looo deee dough
Gabrielle has saggy tits
Xena has lotsa nits
Leeee dough looo deee dough

The ship was spinning in the water, big baldy the ships driver was going nuts, there was only one thing to do.

"Now look at what you've done Dumbass, you and your damned song."

They were mending the sails that had been torn in the last storm. That night the winds picked up.

The deck captain gave the order to hoist the main sail. When it unfurled he screamed for Queen Kiane, who immediately came out of her cabin on to the upper deck.

"Look what they did!"

The main sail read Amazons rule but Xena's a wimp!"

"Where are they?" The Queen asked.

The deck Capt. pointed to where they sat. Oink and Jack looked up at the... well we won't get into what they seen.

"Dam, you are one ugly Drag Queen, they capture you or something?" Jack grimaced.

Queen Kiane's face turned red, he glared down at them with beady little pig eyes, his bright orange hair standing up like he had been hit by lighting.

"Do you have any idea what's so ever who I am?"

"Yeah the ugliest person on the ship!" Oink replied.

"I am Queen Kiane, and this is my ship!"

Oink and Jack's eyes bulged. "No you're not!" They said. "Cyane's got a great ass, firm tits, long blonde hair and she's gorgeous. You are not her!" Jack agreed.

"Dumbass Greek!"

"You have my brother here?" Jack looked around the deck. Kiane groaned. "I am not Queen CYANE the Amazon, I'm Queen KIANE and I thought I was getting a good deal when Xena gave me a king's ransom to take you two on my ship, now I know why she was willing to pay so much!"

"She sold us Oink, to an ugly drag Queen. Oooohhh my Gods were doomed!"

"That's it Capt,. hang them!"

***************************

Later that night the two amazons were just a swinging.

"Nice job you stupidass!"

"Now I know my ma's not here she would get us down!"

"Hey oink watch this!"

Jack threw her arms and legs out in front of her body and started to swing back and forth until she was swinging out a good 30 foot from the main mast.

"Jack knock it off, you keep yanking me around over here, you Dumbass!"

Oink kept being jerked up and down like a yo-yo every time Jack swung, the mast groaning with the movement. The Capt. and Queen Kiane watched as the mast and sail lines pulled with tension from side to side.

"Get them down Capt. before we loose our main mast."

Before her could move the lines started snapping, the sudden force sent Jack spiraling. "Ooohh shit Oooohh shit Oink!" Oink's eyes grew to the size of saucers when she seen Jack heading towards her in a spinning mass of arms and legs. She covered her eyes and waited for impact. Her rope started to bounce with contact, and then it stopped.

"Hey ya Oink, how ya doin?"

Oink peeked from between her fingers to see green eyes smiling at her.

"You idiot! Are you trying to kill us?"

"No!" She gave her friend a big grin. "I just got bored hanging around!"

Jack hung upside down at eye level with Oink, her ankles wrapped with her own rope around Oink's. The Capt. stood scratching his chin at the new problem. The main mast was leaning to one side from the added weight. A huge grin came over his face.

"Cut them down!" The Capt. yelled to one of the deck hands, two sets of eyes closed waiting for the impact. Oink wasn't to worried she'd land on her feet but Jack would do a lot of damage to the deck and probably the hold below with her rock hard head. All of a sudden, there were free falling then nothing. Two foot above the deck Oink's feet dangled, at the hard jerk of the rope she heard all kinds of cracks and pops above her, fearing the lines and the mast were cracking and coming down on top of her she covered her head.

"Gods that felt great!" Jack yelled. "I haven't had my back cracked like that since Xena ran me over with Argo!"

In an instant they were laying on the deck in a heap, deck hands untangled them from the ropes and each other. "Now you did it you ignorant idiot, we'll be walking the plank now!" Oink said in between the punches to Jack's shoulder. "They still do that?"

Oink smacked her up along side her head. "No, but I think for us they'll make an exception!"

Queen Kiane was red faced and heaving as he screamed his orders. "Capt. I don't care what you do with them but put them someplace so that they don't do anymore damage to my ship!"

"Aye aye ma'am!" A huge wicked grin crossed his face. "Tie them together and put them at the front, I have plans for them!" He let out a horrible laugh as he walked off.
***************
Later on that day.
"You know what Jack, if we ever get off this ship alive I'm going to kill you!"

"Ain't there suppose to be a good looking woman up here on the front of this thing?" Jack looked over her shoulder at the prow of the ship and Oink smacked her again.
"They took it off so that you wouldn't drool all over her! And you're gonna clean my leathers when and if we ever see dry land again!"

"But ya look good with all that seaweed hanging off of ya, gives ya that Mermaid look." Brown eyes bored in to green. "Ok ok, I'll do it." They hung from the prow breaking every wave before the ship did, seaweed and little creatures hung from them. As they hung there miserable, they heard someone yell

"Land Ho!" Oink saw the land they had yelled about off to her right.

"Look Jack real land, maybe they'll let us go?" Queen Kiane was never so glad to see land in his entire life; he did little thrusting movements with his hips and screamed yes half a dozen times. Yelling to the deck hands, he ordered one empty barrel and the whale harpoon. Jack and Oink didn't mind the barrel, it was the harpoon that had them worried.

"Oh oh Oink, I think our rides over, I think we just became whale bait!" Her green eyes huge with fear she looked to her grinning friend. "Well I hope they use you first so I can watch!" They heard the boom of a cannon then watched a rope attached to the harpoon shot out over them to land on the shore at the base of a huge tree. "Maybe their Bonnie hunting?" Jack asked. All of a sudden, they were jerked off the prow of the ship and stuffed in to the barrel like sardines. All they felt was the rush of wind going past them as it tilted on the rope, then a hard impact and pieces of wood flying around them. There they lay on the ground amongst what was left of the barrel; Oink sat up and looked around her as she rubbed her forehead where she had head butted Jack when they hit the tree. Jack who lay sprawled out on the ground on her back with a stupid grin on her face chuckled.

"Dam that was fun, ya think they'll let me do it again?" She asked as she sat up, a ferocious snarl came from Oink, she grabbed a huge piece of wood and smacked Jack over the head with it. "Hey why'd ya do that?"

"Just felt like it you simple bitch!" Let's get out of here, our luck they just dropped us off with the Horde!"

"Ain't they the ones who eat people?" Chuckling and with a twinkle in her green eyes she added. "I know who I'd like to eat!"

"Yeah the same one who put you in the healers hut, give it up Jack your never gonna get any of Poni, maybe a pony but never 'the' Poni!"

They walked through the trees until they came to the edge of a clearing, being quiet not to make any noise they looked around to see a dozen or so of very small huts circling a muddy corral, no one seemed to be around so they ventured forward. Before they could turn and run, they found themselves completely circled by mounted Warriors with spears. Oink reached over and smacked Jack in her head.

"Oh great, now look where we're stuck asshole!"

Jack looked around at the Warriors with a cocked eyebrow. "What are they?"

"You never paid attention in class did you?"

Jack gave her a sheepish grin. "Nope, I was to busy staring at Poni."

"Those my idiot friend, are Pygmies!"

"Oh, why they riding those little goats, and look at those little spears ain't they cute?" The Pygmies got off their goats and showed Jack just how cute their spears were every time she slowed down they jabbed her in the ass with one.

"Little shits, they keep that up and I'm gonna make Pygmy pie with the whole bunch of em!"

They were all dressed in tiny little furry pelts, with little leather booties on their feet, all of them had wild looking hair as if old Zeus was having fun and let a couple dozen of his lighting bolts hit their village. They pushed Oink and Jack in to the muddy corral then obviously, the leader of the little group let out a God-awful sound. Within minutes out of one of the huts a thing rolled out, it was three foot tall and weighed around 250lbs, it's beady little black eyes were buried in rolls of flesh.

"Oink, what the hell is that!" Jack pointed at the thing coming towards them.

"Your new girlfriend!" Oink dropped in to the mud laughing hysterically as the little baby Bonnie Pygmy grabbed Jack by the arm and flung her face first in to the mud then jumped on her back. A loud victory scream came from her mouth. Later that night, Jack was cleaned up, dressed in Pygmy furs and tied to a post in the baby Bonnie's hut.


"If ya let me and Oink go I promise that the Amazons will give ya anything ya want." A wicked gleam came to Jacks green eyes. "Ya can have Regent Ephany for your wife!"

Oink had been hiding outside the hut listening to Jack trying to make a deal for their freedom.

"Dumbass bitch." She mumbled to herself. "She's gonna get us killed by somebody!"

Oinker snuck around to the very back of the hut and waited until all was silent. Peeking through the window, she found Jack all alone. She had crawled through the window and cut Jack loose when they heard someone coming. With the agility of someone, scared shitless Oinker flew out the window leaving Jack to struggle. Grabbing Jack by her ears, she yanked her out the window and they took off into the night.

*******************

"So then we started back towards the village and that's when we ran into Willow and Buffy." Jack gave everyone a big grin at the ending until she seen the look on the Amazons faces.

"So I have saggy tits Huh?" Brie asked as her flaming green eyes bore into Jacks.

"And I did not have lice, it was a scalp irritation!" Xe yelled at the cringing idiot.

"Ohhh just marry me off to some short fat pygmy, I have news for you Jack you just got yourself a permanent bed at the healers hut!" Eph jumped up and chased her out the door, screams where heard for miles as Jack ran through each hut trying to find some place to hide from the pissed off Regent.

Poni leaned back in her chair, a huge smile on her face as she wiggled her brows at Brie. "So Brie, ya think Jack would make a good bard?" Brie screamed and jumped over the table tackling Poni.

"I DO NOT HAVE SAGGY TITS!" She screamed as she rubbed food into Poni's face, leathers, hair and places that would be very hard to clean. Xe stood and watched her wife grinning the whole time until she remembered about the lice. A free for all started then. Buffy and Wills ducked as much as they could but to no avail they were caught right in the middle of the food war.

#########################################

"I swear, you all need to be put in a big playpen!" The poor overworked healer scolded at her crowded hut. "I have never in all my 60 years seen so many juvenile delinquents in one village!"

With the last one bandaged up she stood at the door to her quarters with her hands on her hips. "If I hear one peep out of you Amazons I'm coming in here with a club!"

Jack looked with her blackened eyes to the cot next to her and grinned at Poni .

"Hi honey, are ya comfy?"

A whirling was heard then Jack yelping. "Leave my wife alone, you dipshit!" Eph tried to get up off her cot but her sprained ankle wouldn't hold her weight. But that didn't stop her from throwing her boot and hitting Jack in the head.

Everyone was in bad shape including Xe, who was sporting a black eye given to her by her embarrassed wife.

"Uhhmm, Buffy next time we run into...a weird hole...you're going alone!" Wills cocked her head to the side. "I mean...oh the Hell with it!"

"I would rather dust juice mouths than tangle with these Amazons!" She rubbed her sore neck. "I have food in places I don't even want to mention!"

Oinker stood in the door laughing at them just as Xe was about to reach for her Chakram a blue flash appeared.

"Ahhh ahhh aaahhh Xe, be nice or I'll tell Ares where you are!" Callisto gave her a crazy laugh. "Come on Oinker we have a date." Taking Oinker's hand, she screamed and they vanished into thin air.


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Days later after everyone had been released from the healer or thrown out; they went about repairing the damages from the brawl. Only one Amazon was not back to her normal abnormal self. That is after the Ephany Incident. Jack sat on the floor in the corner staring in to space with a stupid grin on her face. Poking the air with her finger, she giggled. "Look at all the pretty colors." Then something caught her eye, a bright blue fluttering. It hovered like a humming bird above a flower. Jack slowly got off the floor and crept towards it with a big stick she had found earlier. Within inches of her prey, she raised the stick over her head.

Buffy's spider sense went off, instinct made her drop to the floor where she spun throwing her leg out swiping Jack off her feet.

"Birdie gone!" She cried out. "Maaa, birdie went bye !"

Buffy shrugged her shoulders at her. "Listen brain wattage, that's the third time today that you've tried to crack my head. Next time I'll play Helen Keller to your problem!" Wills noticed that Buffy had laid Jack out again and went in for the save. Buffy wasn't known for her patience, sure she was action girl but she usually only had to take someone down once and they stayed away from her.

"Buffy?" Wills asked her lover.

"This time its birds! Before it was a... what ever! Wills please just go play with her, amuse her with witchy stuff or something."

Wills helped Jack off the floor and had to grab the stick before she clubbed Buffy. "Buff, the feathers in your hair...birds..." She froze at the look on her lovers face.

"Dust buster!"

"Gotcha, come on Jack lets go look for ...butterflies. I'll get you a big net and you can chase them all day if you want."

*********************

Oink had spent days in her hut. No one saw her but they sure as Hades heard her, all the way to Olympus! Callisto needed a break, her body ached, and she was hungry and just plain wore out. Staggering in to Poni's Pub she found the other Goddesses relaxing and drinking shine. Dropping in to a chair with a loud groan got Dite's attention.

"We've heard that before."

"Ohhh shut up! Those lying bastards! They told me when I became a Goddess that I would be on the I Team." Dite and Arte just gave her a "What the Hell are you talking about" look. "You know, Immortal, invincible, intimidating, INCONTROL! Bullshit. I'm INTROUBLE!"

"Insane!" Hecate threw in.

The Goddess laughed at the bedraggled blonde Psycho. "Another one didn't read the fine print." Hecate grinned at her sisters.

"What small print!?!" Crazed brown eyes drilled in to her.

"At the bottom of your contract, and I quote. 'All above powers will be forfeit if Union Dues are not kept up to date.' You're screwed!"

"What union?"

Thuds were heard through out the pub when Dite leaned forward flashing her cleavage. "The Chariots Union, ya crazy bitch, and non other than Ares god of all farmers, herders and all around animal husbandry is the big Hoopla."

That sheep-fucking freak! He told me the small print was for the orphaned kids of the Hestian virgins!"

Three sets of eyes locked on her. "Calli, think about it. Virgins...and their Orphans...they don't quite go together now do they? Now I know that my kid burned down your village but she left the school house untouched." Arte stated.

"All right I confess. I torched the school, ya happy. She struggled with her temper, pulling her hair out to the sides at weird angles. "I want that impotent bastards...JOB!"

Dite scrunched up her eyes at her. "EEEWWWW you want to fuck sheep?"

"NO you ditz, I wanna be Goddess of war!"

"Oooohhh, ok." Dite grinned.

"What are you doing here?" Callisto asked Hecate.

"Hiding from Hades."

"The Queen of the witches hiding from that little prick?"

"Yep, I sorta had Cerebus neutered; he kept humping my bitches and who the hell would want an ugly three headed puppy?"

"Too true."

"Ok guys, I have an idea." Arte pulled them all together and started whispering. A meeting of all the head honchos was called to discuss the Ares revenge plan. They were all huddled around a table when Callisto felt warm hands run down her arms.

"Oooohhh, please help me!" She pleaded.

"Pookie bear, I missed you this morning." Oinker cooed in her ear.

"Oink, please I need a break. I can barley walk, my back aches and I have carpal tunnel in both wrists!"

"Poor Pookie." Dark fingers massaged her shoulders, within seconds Calli was putty.

"Hey! We need your demented brain here, Calli!" Hecate yelled and pointed a finger at her.

"Oh yeah, sorry."

Xe flashed her chakram at Oink. "Behave yourself, pork chop!"


########################################################################

Brie paced in front of them gesticulating with her hands each word. "Now I've drawn up a map of where everyone will be. I call it ...never mind." Everyone just gave her a blank look. "Discomfort show them their places." Miss Jane smiled at her assistant as Discord stood off to one side of the parchment with a pointer. Mimicking a weather slut, she was about to tell everyone where they would be placed when the parchment went up in flames.

"Damn, so much for my career move."

"I hear the Gladiators are looking for a lion feeder or is that lion food?"

Discord wound up her arm and threw an energy ball at Dite, who returned it with a ball of flames.

"Knock it off you two! I will not have any more weird dreams because of your damn ricochets!"

Discord glared at Dite. "Just you wait, hose bag!"

"Disinfectant!"

"Salami Swallower!"

"Diaphragm!"

In a flash a cart wheelding, back flipping, tornado spinning Slayer landed in the middle of the table.

"Enough already! Calli, Artemis center village. Everyone else of to the side. Xena, you'll find a good place I'm sure. Oinker, hands of Calli! Is everyone clear?"

Wills was beaming up at her irritated lover. All she could think of to say was "WOW!"


"Why that little blonde sluttage, stealing my spotlight by doing all her fancy back flips and shit! Just who the Hell does she think she is and whom was she trying to impress? Because that stuff does not work on me!" Green eyes met crystal blue. "Except for when you do it baby, and she'll never be as good at it as you are Snuggles." Brie commented and prayed to everyone. "I worked my ass off on that parchment and in two seconds poof it's gone! My hands are covered in ink, I wore my quill down to a nub and for WHAT!?! This always..." Xe put a lip lock on her that completely made all her thoughts go right out the window. Picking Brie up Xe carried her all the way to their hut.

"Now I know how she puts up with her!" Remarked Eph.

"It ain't fair Eph!" Poni groaned. "Ya never shut me up that way!"

"Poni, what you just said is a weeks worth of words for you."

"DAMN!" She said as she stomped away.

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The next day the Queen's guards pulled the cotton from their ears just as Xena came trotting out the door. Every morning she ran out to the fields for wild flowers and then over to get Brie her breakfast. So intent on her mission, she never noticed the strange barricade that appeared over night at the edge of the village right behind Oink and Jacks hut. Or the fact that Poni and Jack were hiding in the middle of it and both had the pots on their heads that the cook had been screaming about and accusing every one of stealing all morning.

Oink searched the everywhere; she even made sure that Eph didn't have a clinging appendage. Which got her slapped in the back of the head.

"Has anyone seen Jack?" She questioned. "I know that she's a pain in the ass. But she's...what ever."

Wills had a guilty look on her face. "Well...uuuuuhhhhmmm...well you see...she's not quite...normal anymore. Ok, I said it." Wills sighed then hid behind Buffy.

"I never said she was normal. I just wanna know where she is."

"She's outside playing with Joe."

Oink raised and eyebrow at her. "Who the Hell is Joe?"

"Wills, who is she playing with?" Buffy asked knowing damn well that no men were allowed in the village. Joxer didn't count as a man.

"I'll show you guys, it's easier."

The three of them watched Jack and Poni playing behind their barricade. With stones and twigs, they made it look like a tiny forest. Lying on her belly, she hid behind branches beside Poni.

"Roger, Charley, Delta. Recon patrol mission complete. No enemies sighted.

Buffy whispered in Wills ear so as not to disturb the overgrown children at play.

"What are they doing?"

"Joe, grenade quick! The baby Discords are coming!" Jack tossed a rock from her hiding place. "May day, may day, enemy fire returned! We have injured!" Jack and Poni looked up at the chuckles they heard.

Jack and Poni yelled together. "Titans! The baby Discords brought the Titans! Joe, abandon the mission!"

"Captain Jack!" Wills bellowed scaring the Hell out of Oink and Buffy. "Chow time!"

Jack grabbed her toys and ran for the food hut with Poni not far behind.

Wills stood before her lover with a bright red face. "Buffy, remember when I told you that when I was little Xander stole my Barbie? Well... the truth be known, I traded my Barbie to Xander for his G.I. Joe. But don't say anything to him because he's real sensitive about it and if Cordy knew that he's only dating her for fashion tips she would..."

"Uhhmm Wills, G.I. Joe?"

"With Kung Fu grip!"

Oinker waved a hand at them and then placed them on her hips. "I hate to interrupt your meandering and all but what in the Hell were those little hairy things Jack and Poni where throwing rocks at, cuz if they're alive she's sleeping outside!"

Wills blushed even redder than before. Tilting her head to the side, she gave them an impish grin. "She called them baby Discords but they're my Troll collection."

Buffy pulled on Wills backpack. "What else have you got in there?"

"Later Buff." She grinned at her lover. "Later."

########################################################################


Ares laid on dozens of pillows, lounging beside his sheep that he had just finished brushing and was now tying a blue satin ribbon around its neck.

"You know Xena, I could get you some of those little jackets to wear when it's cold and we're off watching some war being fought in my honor or having a nice walk through my brothers place. Hades really needs to have the place cleaned. The last time we went there, it took me hours to get all the dirt out of your woolly coat.

He was feeding his sheep grapes when he heard the blood curdling scream of Callisto. "Now what does that crazy bitch want?" Then a lower voice came through. "Bring your fuck muffin and I'll restore it."

"Hot damn!" Ares yelled as he jumped up at the last message. Then primped both himself and his sheep for the meeting with his sister Artemis.


########################################################################

"I can't wait to see the look on his face!" Calli snickered.

"Oooohhh, just wait it'll get better!" Grinned Arte.

A blue cloud appeared before them and when it disappeared Ares stood before them with his sheep at his feet.

"All right Sis I'm here, now what do I have to do to have you change Xena back to her human self?"

Arte stood for a few moments staring up in to the sky. Calli covered her mouth to keep from laughing at the possessive way Ares was stroking his sheep.

"Ohh nothing big, just call out her name three times and say there's no place like a nut house and waalaah! She's back!"

After giving her a funny look for the nut house comment, he did as she had instructed and watched for the sheep to change back to Xena.

"Please Xena change! You know I kinda love you!"

A deep throaty purr came to his ear.

"Ares, you are soooo full of shit!"

Still looking at his sheep, he remarked. "All this time together, all these weeks and NOTHING! Not a word! Just BAAA! And now you talk!"

"Over here, sheep boy!"

Ares turned to find Xena standing beside Dite.

"Xena! You're back!"

With her evil smirk in place, she asked. "Ares, who's your friend?" Chuckling at the confused look on the God of wars face. "Go ahead Ma, you promised him."

Arte zapped the sheep and changed it back to Joxer.

"Oooohhh my shriveled little nuts!" He screamed like a woman. "I've been humping Joxer the moron!"

"That's a little too much information. And we really didn't need to know that about your sex life, but can ya tell us. Was it good for you?" Xena asked with her trademark grin.

He was soon surrounded by the entire Amazon Village, all he could hear was a continuous chorus of sheep noises. Joxer ran towards Brie and tried to cover his skinny naked body. Repelling down from a branch above came Jack with G.I. Joe strapped to the front of her. Dropping down in front of Ares she pulled Joe's cord as she held him eye to eye with Ares.

"Old McAres had a farm, eee iii eee iii BAAAA!"

That's all it took for him to loose what little bit of sanity he had left. His screams made Callisto sound like a baritone. Walking away from him Dite and Hecate joined Calli and Arte.

"Hey Sis, I think he needs a good long vacation." Dite remarked as she looked at her brother. "Electra said her and the girls would take him."

"Ohhh boy, this is getting better! Let me do the honor!" Hecate used her fingers and made a loud whistling noise. A shimmering circle appeared and out stepped the three cheaply dressed women. "Hey girls, he's all yours. Do your worst!"

Electra caressed his cheek with the backs of her fingers. "We're gonna have lots of fun. Come on girls lets take sheep boy here to our little chalet in the Swiss Alps." They each grabbed hold of Ares and just before they zapped themselves out of there, Electra whispered in Ares ear. Right before everyone's eyes, he turned into a blubbering idiot.

"What did ya say to him?" Asked Brie.

"Oooohhh, well... I just told him that we're in need of a sheep herder on our farm in the Alps." She giggled at the looks on everyone's faces. "Thanks for the boy toy. C-ya!"

Then they were gone. A loud yell of "Let's party!" Came over the roar of laughter. The Amazons took off to Poni's pub leaving behind the group of friends. Buffy with her hair all messed up and Bachai bites all over her neck, leaned in to her equally disheveled lover.

"Wills, you did witchy stuff to Joe didn't you?"

"I...well...he...Jack...he was boring!"

Buffy kissed her on her bruised lips. "You are sooo bad! But in a good way."

Jack stepped in front of Oink and pulled Joe's string.

"OOOHHH YES YEEEEEEEES CALLIIIISTOOO!"

"THAT'S IT YOU AND JOE ARE DEAD!" She screamed as she chased Jack across the village. Jack not being a complete moron ran for her life looking for her salvation. Catching up to Poni and Eph, she threw herself around their legs and with her teeth, she pulled Joe's string. "Wanna have a threesome?"

"Poni, do something with her before I make her a complete vegetable!"

Poni untangled Jacks arm from around her wives leg because she knew that Eph was not kidding! Then she wondered what kind of vegetable she would make Jack and more importantty, was how.

"Eph, Sweety, cuddle bug. What kinda vegetable? Cuz I was thinking a cucumber would be real useful!" She answered with a toothy grin.

Eph rubbed her temples to try and lesson the threat that pounded there to pummel both of them in to the ground using Joe.

"PONI GO PLAY!"

Poni grabbed Jacks hand and they took off running.

"About damn time I get ta play!" Poni mumbled as they headed for their barricade.


**********************************

Poni's pub was packed with half drunken Amazons, every inch of the place had someone either drunk or passed out. Wills had to much shine to drink and was not being her usual shy self.

"Buff, there is something that I have always wanted to do, and I think now is the time to do it, so that's what I'm gonna do...it. OK?"

Buffy hadn't a clue as to what Wills was talking about but what the hell you're only with the Amazons once.

Wills went up to the band and spoke to each one of the members. Then she grabbed a dozen of the still standing Amazons and formed a line on the dance floor. The band started playing the Macarena song. Then in complete sync, they all started doing the Mac dance. Wills pointed at her lover and motioned for her to join her on the floor. They danced so close that they seemed to be one body. What got everyone's attention was Jack on the bar dancing like the Baby off Alley McBeal.

"Did you teach her that to?"

"I ahhh...well...it's better than what she was doing earlier!" A bright red blush went up her neck.

"Let's have it Wills."

"She was striping."

"And I missed this?"

"Every one did except for Xe, who threw her out the door and said something about playing the Chakram toss game with her. The worse part is, I think Jack would have played!"

The music stopped but Jack continued to dance to the noise in her head. Oinker came in to the pub followed by a dragging Calli.

"Simple bitch, gotta take care of her before she falls of the bar and hurts someone."

Walking over to Brie who she knew would have what she was looking for; Oinker grabbed an apple out of the fruit bowl.

"Ok Jack, nap time." Oinker winked at everyone. "Get ready guys."

Oinker yelled Jacks name over the noise, when she got her attention she showed the object in her hand, took a bite out of it and threw it at Jack while yelling incoming. Jack's green eyes popped wide at the object flying towards her forehead.

"Uuuhh oohh!" SMACK! "Uuugghh!"

Jack fell in slow motion backwards off the bar; all they heard was a loud noise of cups and mugs when she landed. Her booted feet where seen propped up on the edge of the bar.

"Ok, now that's taken care of."

Brie looked at Oink with her brows drawn.

"Why did you do that?"

"Cuz the simple bitch flipped over our beds to make a bunker, and as soon as I walked in to our hut she bombarded me with rotten tomatoes. So that was paybacks." Calli looked at her lover with raised eyebrows. "And they call me crazy!"

"Well we can't let her lay there all night, so who's gonna move her?" Asked Brie.

All eyes turned to Poni.

"Why me? What did I do wrong?"

The bartender yelled over to them that she thought that Jack was dead cuz she wasn't moving. A chorus of 'you check' was heard but no one moved until Poni decided that if her playmate died her days of terrorizing would be over and it would go back to having Xe kick her ass on a daily basis.

"Oooohhh all right I'll do it!" Mumbling as she went. Always Poni do this Poni do that, Poni take out the trash, pick up your boots, get those dam ducks out of our bed, do it or your cut off!" The last thought had her sprinting with enough speed to hurdle the bar. Grabbing Jack by one arm, she threw her over her shoulder. She was on her way out when she heard a worried Oinker ask her if Jack was dead.

Poni growled. "Look for yourself!" Turning around she showed them that Jack was grinning like a maniac and had her hands full of Poni's ass. Xe leaned back in her chair letting Brie, who was sitting on her lap, snuggle closer to her.

"Oinker, what would your mothers say if they saw you two acting like that?"

"I haven't any idea, I was sent here as baby from the Hestian Temple and Queen Mellosa says she found Jack in a squirrel nest. Go figure."

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The next morning everyone gathered in the center of the village to wish Buffy and Willow farewell; Hecate would be taking them back to their own time and to Sunnydale. With the help of Aphrodite, she had some unfinished business on the beach. It was the women's surfing competitions and she made it plain to everyone that there was no way she was coming back until she was ready. With the Amazon's in a loose circle around them, Gabrielle stepped forward and held out her arms. "Good luck back home and if you ever want to visit," she looked to Hecate and winked. "Just call badness there and I'm sure she'll bring you guys for a visit." She hugged both women and ignored the dark eyebrow that was still wavering over Hecate's green eye.

Willow gave the dark Goddess a small smile and then nodded her head. "Thank you for your offer and thank you for everything that you've done for us while we were here." She gave her lover a small bashful grin and took her hand.

"What Wills said," Buffy gave them a small smile and nodded her head. "No one will ever believe this; I don't believe it and I've lived through it. Then again most of the stuff that happens to me I have a hard time believing." She turned to Xena and Poni and gave them a short nod. "You two taught me a lot about battle and what's important," She saw the confusion on their faces and shook her head. "In your warrior ways and how you deal with your life away from the battle field, that's what I mean." She looked over her shoulder at the Goddesses and nodded her head. "Thanks everyone, for everything." She waved her hand as they disappeared in a flash of lights. Gabrielle wrapped her arms around Xena and leaned into her side.

"She thinks the people of her time won't understand, even with Gods and Goddesses popping in all the time, it's hard to believe certain things."

Xena grinned and placed a kiss on her wife's head. "It's all in a day of our whacked out lives, we got it easy, look at Are's the sheep fucker and poor Callisto. If I had known years ago that her downfall would have been Oinker?" She pointed to the psycho Goddess running through the trees with Oinker hot on her heels.

"I got your point Xe; now let's go see about making some more history." She took Xe by her hand and led her to their hut, all the Amazon's rolled their eyes and pulled cotton from their hip pouches.

Poni scratched her head and looked to Ephany. "Can they do that?"

Ephany grabbed Poni by her hand and drug her towards their hut. "Don't worry about it Poni, I know one thing, Jack's rubbing off on you." Just before they got to their hut, Jack jumped out, kissed Ephany and ran off cackling like an idiot. "Or you're rubbing off on her." She shook her head and yanked a grinning Poni into their hut.

The End
The Slayers
By Larisa
Hecate3366@frontiernet.net