~ USS. Argo ~

by Larisa

Disclaimer: Yeahyeahyeah, I know who the look like but these one are al mine.

Sex: Of course

Language and the rest of it: Yeah, my gutter mouth appears here, not realy violent and if you're not old enough go the Hel away!

I wrote this Voyager parody a while ago and since I've been out of commission after reconstructive shoulder surgery, I thought I'd give ya al a laugh or two until I get the use

of my right arm back.

USS. Argo

By Larisa

Hecate3366@frontiernet.net

Captains Log: Star date. "Computer what the Hel day is it? Never mind."

This is Kathryn Waynejay of the USS. Argo. Upon being sent 75 years away from home we came upon the Marquis ship, with the help of Capt. Chata'lot. Short gorgeous

blonde, flashing green eyes. What I wouldn't do to see what is under her Starfleet uniform! SHIT! Computer transfer last remarks to personal log. We retrieved one of my

crew and hers that had been kidnapped by the Caretaker. After she risked her ship, the USS Barney to help us defeat the Caretaker, I have decided to merge everyone into

one Starfleet crew. The only problem is that her engineer is somewhat, how should I say? A PAIN IN MY ASS!!! Computer?. 'I know I know personal log. Ya dense

Amazonian bitch!' the computer screamed at her. The Capt. sat at her desk, her long black hair faling over her shoulders when she leaned back in her chair. Starring up at the

bulkhead, she closed her eyes and watched as a short blonde appeared. She was interrupted when her com badge chirped.

"Chata'lot to Capt., we have a problem."

"Go ahead."

"A blue nebula has encompassed the Argo and something keeps banging on the hul."

"On my way, shields up go to red alert!"

The Capt. jumped over the railing an landed in her command chair, raising her left eyebrow she grinned at Comdr. Chata'lot. "Report."

"No idea what's out there. Sir....Ma'am....Capt."

"Bridge to engine room."

"What!?!" Was screamed through out the ship.

"Lt. B'ligerent, warp 9 at my command."

"Fuck you!"

Crystal blues eyes shot fire at Comdr. Chata'lot. "I'm going to open an air lock and toss her out!" The short blond shrugged her shoulders and grinned at her Capt.

"Chata'lot to B'ligerent."

"What!?!"

"Is there a problem down there?"

"Ya, I'm not puttin the damn warp back on line until my popcorns done!"

"Lt. that is not a microwave," Chata'lot told her.

"Not again!" Six foot of pissed off Capt. stood up from her chair. She was about to storm the engine room when a better thought came to her. "Lt. McCormack, get your ass

down there and get my warp back online!"

A tal blonde with long curly hair ran for the turbo lift. Mumbling under her breath about kiling a certain half Klingfree. "That's it! She's cut off!"

"Capt., the pounding has moved, it's now closer to the front of the ship."

"Activate scans."

The com officer punched buttons on her counsel. "Capt., I'm showing a humanoid life form clinging to the hul?"

"Set transporters, beam them to transporter #2."

The Capt. ran for the transporter and drew back when the thing materialized before her. "What the Hel were you doing outside on the hul LT. Jack?"

"Washing portholes?" The scraggly officer gave Waynejay a grin showing her jagged teeth."

"Doc to Waynejay." "Doc here."

"Come get Jack before I open an airlock and toss her for good!"

"Yes Capt., on my way."

##################################################################

A tal black female Officer dragged Jack by her ear down the corridor towards sickbay. "What were you doing this time?"

"Her porthole was dirty, I couldn't see through it. Soooo I was washing it." She grinned at her friend and cohort. "Come on Oink, what else am I suppose ta do at night? I can't

sweep and swab decks 24 hours a day! And peeping on B'ligerent is al I do."

"And if ya get caught the Capt. or B'ligerent is gonna kil us both! Now knock it off!"

Jack mumbled under her breath as she was dragged through the sickbay door. "At least I don't spend the whole night in the holodeck with Comdr. I'm-not-real Chata'lot!"

###################################################################

Back on the bridge the Capt. was sprawled out in her chair facing Comdr. Chata'lot, her one leg thrown up over the back while the other was braced against the armrest.

Twisting a long strand of black hair around a finger, she kept shooting glances at the blonde in front of her. The Comdr. looked over and caught her with her tongue doing

strange exercises. She blinked her green eyes and shrugged her shoulders as if it was everyday that someone made lewd gestures at her. "Can you be any more obvious?"

Katie's little voice screamed in her head. "Must be a blond thing," she told it.

"Sir...Ma'am...Capt."

"What have ya got Comdr.?" Besides a great pair of tits. The little voice tossed in at the end.

"I'm showing some kind of cube on the scanners, it looks like one of those Rubik thingies."

"Screen it."

Sure enough, it was one of those Rubik cube thingies. A Genius did not work on it from the screwed up scheme.

"Are we showing any kind of shields or weapons on that thing Comdr. Slovak?" The Capt. asked the Tulcan.

"Not as of yet Capt. Perhaps if we send a crew over and they don't get blown to the next Quad we wil know for sure. I think it would be kind of fun to see the body parts

flying off in to space."

She tilted her head back to glance at her, noticing the huge grin on her face and her huge floppy ears wiggling in the air. "OK, sounds like a plan." She tapped her com badge.

"Doc, Lt. Jack to the bridge ASAP."

Doc and Lt. Jack walked off of the turbo lift and approached the grinning Capt.

"I'm sending you two over to that cube." She pointed to the screen. "Once your there recon the area and report back to me."

"Are we taking a runabout?" Doc asked.

"No, we'l beam ya over there. When you're done, just give a yel and we'l beam ya back."

"Yes, Sir."

Jack skipped off towards the teleporter room with Doc dragging her feet behind. "Come on Oink, it can't be that dangerous. After al if it was do ya think the Capt. would

send us?"

Oink smacked Jack in the back of her head. "YES! You idiot, do we ever get ta go to any of the Class M planets? NO!"

Jack scratched her head as she tripped up the stairs to stand on the X with her name on it. "Wel, there was that one time we got ta go."

"Ohhh yeah and that's the time we found out that the Capt. can't read a map and has dyslexia! How do ya think we ended up in the Delta Quad?"

"Uuuhhmmm, but ya gotta admit those little blue smurfs were kinda cute."

"Just shut up and get up there." Oink looked to the Ensign standing behind the control panel. "Energize us." The big pink rabbit pounded on his drum and within seconds, Oink

and Jack were inside the Rubik's cube.

"What a fucked up place!" Oink groaned as she looked at al the creatures attached to extension cords that al plugged into a huge surge bar. They jumped at the chorus of

voices that rang out. "We are Smorg, escape is fertile."

"Oink, can we leave now?"

"You heard the Capt. we have ta look around first."

They worked their way around al the wires that looked like a serious fire hazard, until they came to two of the Smorg's fighting over the one and only empty socket in the

surge bar.

"I must regurgitate!"

"It's mine, I saw it first!" A half of something was screaming as she crawled over the other ones back trying to plug her extension cord in. The larger of the two had bright shiny

metal pieces embedded in its body and one of its arms looked like a huge dril bit. Showing immense strength it tossed the smal one across the room to land at Jack and Oinks

feet. It looked up at them with crossed eyes. "We are Smorg, escape it fertile. I must regurgitate."

"Just not on my boots!" Oink yeled. "Hey wait a minute, how come you don't look like them?" She pointed to the others.

"It's irregular." The Smorg replied.

"Oink, can we leave now?"

"Shut up Jack."

Oink looked closer at the Smorg, noticing that it had a sticker on its forehead that said "Intel Inside Pentium I"

"You're kinda out dated aren't ya?" She asked.

"You wil be facimilated, escape is fertile."

"Yeah, yeah I heard ya. Come on Jack lets go." They started to walk away from the Smorg when Jack felt hands wrap around her ankles.

"HELP OINK IT'S GOT ME!"

"You wil be facimilated, escape is fertile." It repeated.

Jack whipped out what looked like a phaser and pointed it at the Smorg.

"Let go or I'l zap ya!"

Oink grabbed the thing out of her hand. "Jack, how many times do I have ta tel ya ta leave my TV remote alone!"

"Sorry Oink, now wil ya help me here?"

Oink tried to peel of the Smorg's fingers from around Jacks ankles but they seemed to have embedded themselves in to the metal bands on her boots.

"Only one way ta do this Jack"

Jacks eyes bulged at the Swiss army knife Oink had in her hand. "Good idea Oink, cut its hands off!"

"Not its hands Jack, I was gonna cut you off at the ankles."

"Are ya NUTS!?!" Jack tapped her com badge and screamed. "HELP!"

Within seconds, they were standing on the bridge with the Smorg stil holding on to Jack's ankles.

"What the Hel is that?" Asked the Capt.

"It's a Smorg Sir." Oink answered.

Jack was struggling trying to get loose. She reached down, grabbed the dril bit, and puled until it came off in her hand.

"EEEEEWWWW!"

B'ligerent jumped up and ran over to take it out of her hand.

"Hey it's a Black and Decker cordless dril!" Looking down at the Smorg, she gave it a vicious look. "Gimme the batteries?"

"Hey that's.....we are Smorg you wil be facimilated!"

"Gimme the batteries or I'l rip your other arm off!"

"Son of a bitch! I just can't get a break around this damn galaxy!" She got up off the floor and slapped the batteries in to B'ligerent's open hand. "First I paint myself blue and

try ta live with the Smurfs. They found out and sold me ta the Smorg's, then when it came time ta Smorgasbord me they ran outta parts and now I have my dril taken from me.

What's next? I'm probably stuck on a ship ful of undersexed Amazonian bitches during that time of the month!"

"You're close!" Oink grinned at her.

The Capt. gave their new guest a disgusted look. "Doc take the...thing...it...what ever to sickbay and see what you can do for...never mind just do something."

Oink and Jack dragged the Smorg kicking and screaming down the corridor to sickbay.

"Oink, why do her legs seem ta have too many joints? It's not normal"

Oink gave Jack a strange look. "Normal, looks who's talking Lt. Unibrow!"

"Hey!" Jack smoothed her one eyebrow with a moistened fingertip. "It adds ta my mystique."

"Yeah just like the hair on your back! Now shut up and let's get Gumby ta sickbay."

Sweating and gasping for air Jack and Oink threw the Smorg down on a biobed, drugged her and strapped her down. Oink ran a tricorder over her patient and squinted,

shook the tricorder, slammed it on the table and tried again.

"This damn thing ain't working!"

Jack leaned over her shoulder to look, then hit the "on" button.

"Smartass! Now get off of me!" Scanning the Smorg, her eyebrows drew down over her nose. "This thing says she's human, but I don't see anything human about her. At least

not with al that metal and shit covering her body."

Jack once again looked over Oinks shoulder. "Strip her."

"NAAAHHHH AAAHHHH! You do it!"

MEEEE! I'm not a Doc and I don't touch anything that's a funny gray color!"

Oink took a very deep breath, closed her eyes and started to peel the leather shirt off of the unconscious Smorg. Opening one eye half way, she eased the leather open so that

it fel to the sides of what at one time would have been a ribcage. Now it was stripes of metal spanning outward to wrap around towards the back. A thin metal mesh covered

one shoulder with strips running down to burrow under the skin of one bicep.

"Jack would ya look at this?"

Jack was stil behind Oink, with both hands clasped over her eyes and her forehead pressed in to Oinks back. Removing one hand, she peeked out from under Oinks arm.

"EEEWWW RoboCop!"

Using a pair of scissors Oink cut the leather pants away and almost fel on the floor when she took in the Smorg's legs.

"For the love of Gods! Look Jack, that's why her legs were bending funny!"

They both looked at the leg extensions attached to the Smorg's real feet.

"Oink, don't we use those ta reach the ceiling panels?"

"Yep, come on help me get these off of her."

Unlacing the leg stilts and tossing them to the floor they continued to remove al of the tattered leather clothing and external wiring that lead to nowhere. Finding the extension

cord, Oink folowed it to a battery pack held in place by metal bands to the Smorg's left thigh. Using the screwdriver on her Swiss army knife, Oink removed the screws on the

bands on the battery pack. She noticed that the wires branched off under the gray skin.

"I'm gonna leave this thing on her, cuz I don't know what it does. And I'm not taking a chance on shorting out al the other stuff that the tricorder has reported to be connected

to nanoprobes imbedded in her organs. But at least we can get her in the showers and maybe see if she rusts."

Once done with the Smorg, they returned to the bridge to report their findings to the Capt. Oink and Jack walked down the corridor with the Smorg trying to keep up with

them.

"I want my clothes back! This is irregular, undeficient and weird! I wil contact the selective and have you al facimilated. Escape is fertile!" She yeled as they stepped on to the

bridge.

The Capt. looked at the Smorg and bit back a remark that she knew would also piss off Comdr. Chata'lot. Getting out of her command chair, she towered over the Smorg.

"OK, now that you have been cleaned up and look somewhat human, I want ya ta tel me who you are and what the Smorg's are doing in this Quadrant."

"You wil be facimilated, escape is fertile!"

"Yeahyeahyeah, I heard ya the first dozen times." Capt. Waynejay replied. Her blue eyes looked down a good distance to trap the light blue slightly crossed eyes of the Smorg.

"Let's start with your name."

The Smorg gave the Capt. a defiant look. "NO!"

"Ya leave me no choice, B'ligerent zap her!"

Blue eyes grew large at the thought of being zapped. She knew that it would set al her nanoprobes off and cause a great deal of problems. "Wait! I'l tel ya just don't zap me."

B'ligerent stood back with her phaser at the ready. Her caramel colored eyes driling in to the Smorg. "Come on Capt. let me zap her just for fun." She pleaded.

"I'm known as Half of one of 9, adjutant of the idiotic."

The Capt. looked at the three foot Smorg with humor in her eyes.

"Sooo, what do you prefer us ta cal you?"

She clasped her hands behind her back, lifted her chin in arrogance and stared up three foot into the crystal blue eyes of the Capt. "You wil cal me by my ranking in the

selective 'Adjutant Idiotic.' I am fluent in al languages and species that travel this quadrant, my major expertise is in every thing ignorant and the astro."

"Okay, Oink and Jack wil show you to you new deptartment. You can start work in the Astro area planning maps of this area. Dismissed"

Once they were gone, Waynejay took her seat and caled over her shoulder to Ensign Him. "Ensign Him, send out sensors and let me know if ya find anything."

She heard sniffling coming from his direction, turning in her chair, she looked at Ensign Him who was wiping tears from his cheeks.

"What is your problem Ensign?"

He burst into sobs the minute he looked in to her eyes. "Out with it Ensign, I need your ful concentration here."

"It's Lt. Faris, he...he...hurt my feelings last night at Sardines."

Ensign Him broke down into sobs. "Al right, Lt. Faris what the Hel did you do this time?" She belowed towards the helm where Lt. Faris sat.

"Capt.?" He gave her a questioning look.

"What did you do ta Fairy?"

"Ooohh that. Wel sir I've told him a hundred times not ta wear a backless dress and last night he did exactly that!"

"And that's a problem?" She asked.

"Have you ever seen him in a backless cocktail dress?" Faris gave her a horrified look.

"That's it! It's over Tom, I saved al my replicator rations to have that dress and this is how you show me your appreciation!?!" Fairy grabbed his purse and ran towards the

turbo lift. Before the doors closed, they heard him scream 'BITCH!'

"Lt. Slovak, wil you see to Ensign Him. Make sure he's al right."

"Yes Capt." The Tulcan answered. "I'l go check on him right now, but I must say that I find the situation quite hilarious!" Her huge ears were wagging as she walked towards

the turbo lift laughing.

####################################################################

Hours later after Oink and Jack had shown Half, as they had come to cal the three foot tal Smorg to the Astrometrics area, then they broke in to the Holodeck to play. They

were dressed in leathers and running through a forest, yels could be heard coming from behind them. Panting Oink yeled at Jack. "Ya had ta do it didn't ya!?! You and your

damn peeping! Now their gonna kil us when they catch us!"

"But ain't it exciting?" Jack asked as she gasped for air. "Nekkid Amazons everywhere!"

They came to a ledge that dropped off into a deep chasm filed with water.

"Now what Jackass?"

"Uuuhhhmm?"

At that moment, the holodeck program ended and seconds later, the Captains voice was heard coming over their combadges for them to get their asses to the bridge ASAP.

"If they ask, it's al your fault Jack!"

They stepped on to the bridge stil in their leathers to find a pissed off Capt. and crew sitting with only the emergency lighting casting dim light over them. They looked around

at al the scowling faces and wondered which would be worse, suffering the Amazons capturing them or being tossed out an airlock. At that moment, Lt. B'ligerent came

running on to the bridge.

"Capt. I've rerouted the circuits that were blown and my crew is now at this minute trying to bypass the system ta get life support back online. Now show me the fried panel

that caused al of this."

They folowed the Captain's pointing finger to where Half laid on the deck with an ignorant grin on her face.

"It seems that our Smorg has plugged herself in ta the ship."

The Chief engineer walked over and unplugged Half's extension cord from the wal. Sparks shot out and zapped B'ligerent.

"Son of a bitch!" B'ligerent yeled. "What the Hel was she doing plugging in ta the ship!?! Ain't she suppose ta be in the Astrometrics Dept.?"

Al eyes swung to pin Oink and Jack. "Honest Captain, we left her there ta play with al those funny charts and stuff."

Half started ta giggle as she crawled to her knees. Looking up at B'ligerent, she grinned showing straight white teeth. "Most acceptable. Best buzz I've had in a while!"

The Chief engineer grabbed Half by the back of the gray jumpsuit that she wore, picking her up so that her feet were nowhere near the floor, she put her down in front of the

Capt. The jumpsuit being four sizes to large was puled up over her head, the arms flapped at her sides while the legs were roled up and bunching around her bare feet.

"Hey, you're in front of the Capt. So ya better stand at attention, ya half wit!" B'ligerent growled at her.

Half peeked out from where her jumpsuit stil covered her head. Spreading her feet out she placed her hands behind her neck.

The Capt. looked at her with amusement shinning in her crystal blue eyes. Casting a glance over her shoulder, she grinned at her First Officer.

"One of you Marquis must have shown her that position of attention." Looking back to Half, she asked her where she learned the position she now stood in.

"Uuuhhmm, it was in the personnel files that I downloaded in to my idiotic memory. Lt. B'ligerent knows it wel." Tipping her head back to look into the Chief Engineers

caramel colored eyes, she grinned. "Indecent exposure? Explain."

"Son of bitch! Chata'lot I thought ya had that taken outta my records?"

Green eyes twinkled and wrinkles formed at the bridge of her nose when Chata'lot smiled at B'ligerent. "Oh I did, but that one was put in during yours and Lt. McCormack's

little adventure at Sardines."

B'ligerent's face turned a bright red as the memory of her dancing on the piano top and stripping after drinking too much replicated moonshine. She stomped off of the bridge

and headed back to engineering mumbling the whole way.

The Capt. leaned back in her command chair, shooting a look at Chata'lot, she wiggled her eyebrows at her.

"Soooo Commander, Ya done any time in the brig? I can picture ya wearing one of those skin tight jumpsuits, manacles and leg irons keeping ya spread eagle against a cold

concrete wal." She started leaning forward over the arm of her command chair to the point that she was balancing herself on her hands. Moving like a panther, she crept her

way over to Chata'lot. "Your muscles straining against the chains, your head thrown back with your blond hair brushing the bare skin of your neck." Chata'lot gulped at the

predatory look on her Captains' face as she crawled towards her. Crystal blue eyes becoming a raging silver, muscles bunging under her black and red Starfleet uniform as she

puled herself up to mere inches of green eyes. "The warden comes in with a black leather whip snaking down along side her leg, swishing on the floor to snap within a

milimeter of your firm young assets. Making you gasp at the feathery light touch against your nipples." Sweat was starting to run down the sides of Chata'lots temples to soak

in to the colar of her uniform. Kathryn reached out with her tongue to lick away the salty rivulets making Chata'lot suck in a breath and tremble. "So have ya?" Kathryn asked.

"Uuuuuhhhmmmm no." She whispered.

"2200 at Holodeck 2 and wear leather." Kathryn whispered in a husky voice before she ran her tongue around her first Officers smal ear.

When Kathryn returned to her chair, she realized that her crew had sat there and watched her every move and worst yet; they were al eating popcorn.

"Al right back ta work you morons!" She growled as she slapped her com badge to set up her time in the holodeck for that night.

"Damn, I hate when the movie leaves ya hanging off a cliff by your fingernails," replied Oink.

"I missed the cartoons!" Jack whined. "Did they show Pinky and the Brain?"

Grabbing Half by her hands, Jack and Oink left the bridge to head back to Oink's office in sickbay.

"Half, can ya get us a link in ta Holodeck 2 at 2200?" whispered Jack. "Ya know like tap in ta the computer or something?"

"How about if we just hide in there and wait for the program ta start and then blend in and watch?"

"NO WAY! The last time I tried that with B'ligerent and McCormack, I started moaning and they beat me al the way back ta my broom closet!"

Half stood there swinging her head back and forth so fast that she fel over and lay stil.

"Now look what ya done Oink! Ya kiled her!"

"Me? I didn't do anything! I think she just needs ta be plugged in and recharged. I had B'ligerent make her an alcove in cargo bay 2. Let's get her down there and recharged so

that she can get us in for the rest of the movie tonight."

Down in Cargo bay 2 they found the alcove made out of an old metal container, a smal ledge about twelve inches off the deck slanted back at an angle and to the right of it

was a surge protector to plug Half in to. They lifted her up and strapped her down with a bungee cord then plugged her in. As soon as Jack flipped the switch, a huge grin

formed on Half's face. Right before their eyes, her hair started to grow and stand in spikes al over her head.

"How long Oink?"

"I don't know, I guess when she blows a circuit board or something."

About that time, Half's eyes fluttered open. "Escape is fertile, you wil be facimalated!"

"Oink, I know I'm dumb but what the Hel does facimalated mean and how can she do it?"

"You're right, you are dumb!" She smacked Jack up long side her head. "It means make an exact copy and maybe she'l Xerox your ugly mug! Ohh I take that back, one of

you is enough!"

########################################################################

At 2200 hours everyone tuned into their reprogrammed monitors in their quarters and workstations, the crew on the bridge reprogrammed the front viewer to show Holodeck

2. They watched as Kathryn walked into the Holodeck wearing tight black leather pants, knee high engineer boots and a tight low cut black leather vest. Minutes later

Chata'lot walked in wearing a wine colored suede bra and matching skirt, her brown boots laced up the front and reached her knees.

"Computer, activate Waynejay Alpha Omega 69." They were now standing in what looked like an SM Dungeon, complete with the assorted toys, straps, chains and cuffs.

Kathryn approached Chata'lot with a predatory look in her ice blue eyes, her panther like movements sent chils up the Commanders body making her shiver where she stood.

"Scared little one?" Kathryn asked in a low growl like voice. "I can make your body feel things that your mind can't even imagine." Uncoiling a whip, she let it glide along the

floor at Chata'lot's feet. Walking behind her, she let the cool leather brush the backs of muscular thighs. "Can you feel how the leather loves your skin?" Al Chata'lot could do

was give a smal moan and let her head tip back to rest on Kathryn's strong shoulder. Bringing her hands to the front, Kathryn trailed her fingers across the warm skin of

Chata'lot's stomach.

########################################################################

Oink, Jack, Slovak and Half al sat around the much larger quarters that B'ligerent and McCormack shared. Replicated junk food and alcoholic beverages littered every

surface. They sounded like the fans at an XWP Convention with al the holering as they watched their Capt. and first Officer in the Holodeck.

B'ligerent stood up, punching one hand in the air she yeled. "TAKE IT OFF!" Then grunted when a foot belonging to her lover found her ass. "Honey, I meant...never mind."

She sat back down and leaned over to her lover's ear. "Can we use that program?"

"Like what we do isn't wild enough for you?"

"But snuggle muffin, you could tie me up." McCormack's hazel eyes brightened at the thought. "You have a point there." Wiggling her eyebrows. "I'm thinking nipple clips!"

B'ligerent answered her by groaning and faling flat on her back.

########################################################################

Kathryn ran her hands down the front of Chata'lot's stomach to the bottom edge of her skirt, lifting the edge over each thigh, she brushed the trembling inner thighs. She could

feel Chata'lot's heart beat against her ribs and her breath began to come in short bursts with every caress of skin. Dipping her head, Kathryn nibbled on the soft sensitive skin

at the nape of her neck. Working her way up towards a smal ear, with her tongue, she traced its edge then explored the lobe with her teeth.

Kathryn puled Chata'lot tight against her chest and whispered into her ear. "Can you feel the fire running through your veins little one?"

"Oooohhh Gods, you're driving me insane!" Chata'lot turned inside of Kathryn's arms, pressing their breasts together, she attacked the soft lips before her. Puling Kathryn's

bottom lip in to her warm mouth, she bit hard enough to bring a groan from her future lover's throat. Without waiting, she plunged her tongue between straight white teeth. They

kissed deeply for minutes, moaning into each other's mouths as they explored each other's bodies with their hands. With one quick movement of her foot, Chata'lot swept

Kathryn's legs out from under her. As they fel, Chata'lot straddled Kathryn's leather covered hips. Placing Kathryn's hands on her breasts, she ground down with her hips to

show her pleasure. Then her nimble fingers started to unfasten the buttons on Kathryn's vest.

########################################################################

The crew was going wild al over the ship, yels bounced off of the bulkheads like ping pong bals inside a box. The Chief Engineer's Quarters was worst of al! Everyone was

jumping up and down on the furniture and yeling for Chata'lot to take off the Captain's vest. Half stood right in front of the wide screen tilting her head sideways trying to see

around Chata'lots body. Just as the last button came free, Half screamed.

"FACIMILATE HER!"

"So that's what it means!" Jack said as she gave Oink the evil eye. "I wonder if she's fertile?"

Oink leaned over and smacked Jack in the head. "Wel, you'l never know you sick bitch! Cuz if she finds out what you did, the Capt. wil assassinate your ass!"

########################################################################

Chata'lot leaned forward and took one of the Captain's nipples in her mouth and sucking on it as if she were starving to death. Moaning deep in her chest Kathryn threw her

head back and thrust her hips up into Chata'lot. Her eyes opened as she felt her pants being worked down over her hips by anxious hands. Just as she lifted her hips up to help

Chata'lot, she caught a flash of something on the ceiling. Squinting her eyes, she made out the movement of a camera when it panned down to capture a closer look.

"FUCK ME!"

"I'm trying but you're not helping!" Chata'lot groaned as she struggled with the tight leather pants.

"No, not that! Look up at the ceiling!"

Green eyes caught fire as she saw what Kathryn was talking about.

"Son of a bitch!" She stood up and started jumping up and down trying to pul the camera down from the ceiling. "I can't reach it!"

"That's cuz your verticaly chalenged, let me get it." With her vest hanging open Kathryn jumped for the camera and gave the whole ship a good shot of....

########################################################################

"NOTHING!!!!!! I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT! WE SAW NOTHING!!!!! Oink screamed as she jumped up and down throwing a temper tantrum. "AND IT'S ALL

YOUR FAULT JACK!!!! Oink stormed to where Jack was trying to crawl under the bed, grabbing her by her feet, she dragged her out and pounced on her back. Slapping

her in the back of her head, she yeled loud enough for the entire Galaxy to hear.

"YOU WILL DIE A VERY PAINFUL DEATH!"

She stopped her assault when the Captain's voice yeled out for her and Jack to get to the command deck. Bouncing Jack's head off the floor she screamed.

"IT"S ALL YOUR FAULT JACK!"

@@@@@@@@@@@@

Jack holding an ice bag to her forehead looked up into the silvery blue eyes of a very pissed off Capt. Waynejay. Her leather vest was buttoned al wrong and one breast was

in danger of faling out with each deep ragged breath that she sucked in between gritted teeth. Her face a bright red, hands clenched and showing the white knuckles flexing

with restrained anger, she did everything she could not to pummel Jack and Oink to mere bits of goo. Pacing back and forth, she kept casting a glare at Jack and Oink that

guaranteed a very painful death. She spun on her heal when she felt something bump into the back of her legs.

"What the hel is she doing?" She pointed to Half who was moon walking across the floor, she dropped her head and spun on one foot until she fel over and landed on top of

the Capt's feet. Snickering was heard from the crew when Half's headset fel off and Michael Jackson's Thriller blasted from the earphones.

Cmdr. Slovak laughed hystericaly, she wiped the tears from her face and regarded the stoic Captain. "Captain…Ma'am…sir…She hacked into the computer and found your

album colection. And I must say, your taste in music…SUCKS!"

A deep growl rushed from Waynejay's chest, she threw her hands in the air and jumped up and down in a tantrum.

"THAT'S IT! I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE!" Casting a force ten glare at her crew, she pointed at Cmdr Slovak. "Take them to the lower level, I want them in the Jeffrey tubes

for the duration of our time here. When I look in to one of the tubes, I want to be able to see my gorgeous face!"

"Yes Captain…your royal…egotistical…" She decided not continue with her outburst fearing that she would be joining the Cohorts if she did.

@@@@@@@@@@

"Oink who's Jeffrey and how the hel are we supposed to find him in al these tube thingies?" She looked over her shoulder into fuming brown eyes. Shrugging her shoulders,

she grabbed Half by the back of her coverals and slid her down the tube. As the little body shot down the tube, she sprayed the wals with polish. Jack and Oink folowed her

with buffing mittens on their hands.

"Wax on, wax off, wax on wax off, wax OOWWW!"

"Shut the hel up Jack before I wax you!"

Wiggling her unibrow, Jack snickered. "Ain't never been waxed before, wil I like it?"

"Why I ought ta…"

"HELP ITS GOT ME!" Half screamed from where she was trying to crawl backwards up the tube. "IT'S HAIRY AND HAS BIG TEETH!" She scrambled around and came

charging towards them, screaming at the top of her lungs for them to kil it. A high piercing whistle came from behind her and the sound of nails on metal. Half crawled into

Jack's lap and wrapped her arms around her head. "Save me Jack!" Oink looked at the creature that had stopped a few foot away, she couldn't believe her eyes. Blinking them

a few times, she hoped what she saw wasn't realy there.

"Lords have mercy! It's B'ligerent's sex critter! A furry brown and white Gremlin stood there and whistled at them. "Wonder if she'l give us a finder's reward?" Numerous

whistles came to their ears as hundreds of Gremlins came scampering up the tube, the three Cohorts covered their ears and retreated back the way they came. Popping the

hatch open, they fel out onto the deck, got to their feet and ran down the corridor screaming with al the Gremlin's chasing after them. They came to a sliding halt near the

Capt's chair, taking huge gulps of air in, they tried to tel her what they found, but were drowned out by al the whistles.

"What the hel are those?" She asked as the little fur bals filed the room. She looked to her crew and saw a beat red McCormack trying to escape un-noticed. "Don't you dare

sneak out of here!" she commanded in a loud voice. "What are those things?"

McCormack slunk up to her Captain and found her boots in need of polishing. Dropping to her knees, she spit on Waynejay's boot and used her sleeve to shin the toe of her

boot.

"Knock it off and explain those…things!" She pointed to where they were now crawling al over the other crew members, what realy pissed her off was the one with a white

stripe down it's back getting a free feel of Chata'lot's tits.

"You see sir…Ma'am we were having kinky sex one night and it got kind of messy so, we had to get the Virgin olive oil out of its fur. So B'ligerent…who didn't read the

instructions until after we gave her Gremlin a bath…," she shrugged her shoulders and looked up into icy blue eyes. The next thing we knew Waalaahh, we had a dozen of

them."

Silvery eyes driled into McCormack, a low growl rumbled in Waynejay's chest and then burst forth to become a yel.

"GET HER UP HERE NOW!"

@@@@@@@@@@@

B'ligerent, McCormack, Jack, Oink and Half were al locked in one of the shuttlecrafts with al of the Gremlins that they could catch. They prayed to the Ancients that they

had al of them or they would be thrown out of the nearest hatch with out a pressure suit on. McCormack was trying to get them to the M class planet that they had picked up

on a scan, drop off the Gremlins and get back in one piece. She didn't know if any of them would survive the trip. She had Gremlins sitting on her lap, pressing buttons and

flipping switches. She looked to her lover in the co-pilot chair and saw that her hair was being teased with a rattail comb by a pink female Gremlin with cock-sucking red

lipstick on. What got to her was that her lover's face was covered with the stuff and she seemed to be enjoying it way too much.

"B! Get that slut off your lap or you're staying down there with her!"

"But Big Mac, she won't stop!" Her caramel colored eyes begged for understanding.

Oink had one pinned to the floor while three other ones were on her back puling on her hair. Jack and Half sat on the floor playing Jacks wild strip poker with a couple of

Gremlins that were cheating. Oink tried to explain to them that Gremlins didn't wear clothes, but they wouldn't listen.

The shuttlecraft touched down with a bone-jarring thump, popping the rear hatch. Jack and Half ran after the Gremlins who had taken al their clothes. The others started

throwing the others out. McCormack had to pul the pink female off her lover, toss her out the door and keep tossing her until al of them were gone. With a huge grin on her

face, she closed the hatch and waved at a naked Jack and Half as they pounded on the outside of the shuttlecraft.

"Come on guys! Let us in!"

"Why?" Oink yeled back.

"We'l be…your slaves for a week!"

Three sets of eyes looked to each other. Huge grins covered their faces and McCormack opened the door. Jack and Half jumped in and sighed with relief.

"What?" Jack asked three gawking women. She looked to where their eyes had traveled. "Ya like?" She did a little display of the clothing she had on. "We found them outside,

Half says they're species 3121 or Trebles."

@@@@@@@@@@@

Waynejay lay on her stomach, low moans came from her parted lips as nails scratched her back. She was in heaven or would be after Chata'lot got done with her back, and

would take care of the front of her along with some other aching areas.

Her voice deep, she purred. "Harder baby, I like it rough."

Chata'lot came from the smal kitchen and grinned at her lover.

"Do what harder?"

Aroused blue eyes looked up at the naked blonde in front of her, her mouth dropped open when the scratching of her back continued.

"If you're there, then who's scratching my…" She looked over her shoulder at the grinning face of a black Gremlin with a white stripe from it's head al the way down it's back.

"Ohh shit!"

@@@@@@@@@

Jack fel backwards from her broom closet, she was in shock as to how many Trebles had been covering her smal shelf that she used for a bed. She remembered bringing

three onboard amounting to six if she counted Half's. She wondered if Half was having the same problem. Running down the corridor towards the cargo bay where the threefoot Smorg was regurgitating, she hesitated opening the bay door.

"What if she's facimalating someone? I'l watch!" She hit the door at a dead run and ended up lying on her back with a goofy smile on her face. "That felt good." Rubbing the

knot forming above her unibrow, she hit the huge red button that said. "OPEN" in flashing white letters. "Always forget ta hit that damn button." She came to a screeching halt,

hundreds of Trebles covering the deck and Half trying to stuff them into every available container.

"What happened down here?"

"Horny little bitches." Half mumbled. "I was watching the Playboy station and al hel broke loose!"

"You got the Playboy station?" She jumped up and down and waved her hands. "Lemme see lemme see! Ohhh booooy nekkid women's!"

"Irregular! I gotta get rid of these things. They keep jamming up my regurgitater." She grabbed a broom and started pushing them onto a big red X painted on the floor. Jack

started helping otherwise she would never get to see naked bunnies.

"What's the X mean?"

"That's my own personal zapper, I hit a button and poof they're gone."

Jack's unibrow drew down over her crooked nose. "Poof they're gone where?"

Half drew her three-foot stature up against Jack's five foot nine frame, narrowing her crossed blue eyes at her, she growled in her best imitation of Waynejay.

"Who cares, they ain't here no more."

Jack clapped her hands and yeled. "Good answer, good answer!"

Half stumbled and tripped over Trebles, finaly making it over to the counsel on her reguritater, she hit a red button that said "Zapper." A bright blue light appeared over the X

and the Trebles were gone.

"See, poof al gone. Now help me get the rest of the little bitch's outta here."

After an hour, al the Trebles were gone from Half's cargo bay and they were watching Heffner's Bunnies playing around his huge swimming pool.

Captain Waynejay crept silently in to the bathroom to watch her lover shower. She wasn't prepared for the site before her, the Gremlin was shaving her lover's legs. Rage built

up in her blue eyes and a force 20 glare trapped the little hairy creature where he stood.

"Ohhh shit! Little C, he can't get wet!"

"Calm down Katie, I sprayed him with Scotch Guard. He's beyond water proof."

Kathryn stomped over and glared down into brown eyes.

"OUT!" He flipped her off, kicked her in her shin, pinched her ass and ran whistling from the bathroom. "Why was he shaving your legs?"

"Because oh mighty warrior, the last time you did it I had ta have Doc come in and keep me from bleeding to death. Ginsu knives are not for shaving and neither is your damn

Chakram thingie. I could have had an important part cut off!" She emphasized this by grabbing her privates.

"I kissed it and made it better." She stalked her lover until they were pinned up against each other in the shower.

"Wanna kiss it again." Chata'lot wrapped her arms around Kathryn, squeezed her tight ass and ground her center against her tal lover's thigh. "Say for the next 24 hours?"

Kathryn was about to answer when a bright blue light lit up the shower and blinded them.

"What the hel!?" They yeled in unison. Then felt stuff faling on their heads. "Little C, what the hel are these things?" She puled a blue Treble from on top of Chata'lot's head

and showed her.

"Better question, how'd they get in here?"

One name came from their lips.

"JACK!"

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Doc was kicking multi colored Trebles al over her smal sickbay; she knew that she should have forced McCormack to leave Jack and Half on that planet. What she couldn't

figure out was how the lot of the furry little things just appeared in mid air and started dropping al over the damn place. She knew the transporter didn't work that way, and

then a thought hit her. B'ligerent wasn't the only one on the ship that could do mechanical things. Half was behind the mystical appearances, she just knew it! Drop kicking a

Treble so that it went al the way across the room to bounce off the bulkhead with a little squeak, she headed for the door to find the two troublemakers. She stepped in to the

corridor, spun on one heel and returned with a panic-stricken look on her face. Her Captain and Commander where stomping down the halway heading towards Half's cargo

bay, worse they were dripping wet and only covered in towels.

"Not good! NOT GOOD!" She paced the floor trying to think of a way to warn the two idiots before they were kiled. "That's my job and no one is gonna take away my joy

of throwing them out an air-lock!" Tapping her com badge, she said in a disguised voice sounding like Minnie Mouse.

"Sewer Slug to the Queen."

Jack jumped when she heard whom she knew was Doc caling her in code.

"Queen sewer slug here, go ahead."

"Flying Monkey and Trol on Rampage."

Jack's face went pale; she looked to Half with wide green eyes.

"We gotta get outta here! NOW! Use the zapper, use the zapper!" She jumped up and down and waved her arms at the Smorg.

"But it's not safe!" Half yeled back, her crossed blue eyes narrowed.

"I don't give a flying monkey's ass, USE IT!" She jumped on the X and glared at the Smorg. Half hit some buttons, ran over and wrapped her self around Jack's leg.

"What are you doing?"

"Trols scare me!"

A shimmering light enveloped them just as the cargo bay door opened and they disappeared.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@

"Gods B you're such an animal!" McCormack growled to her lover whom was crawling up her glistening body. "I love it when you growl against me."

"You'l love this even better." She reached over the side of the bed and picked up the BD Dril with a ten-inch dildo on the end. "I recharged the batteries today." She hit the

trigger and watched as the dildo spun with a low whine. Lying down across her lover's chest, she nipped at her chin and waited for her to beg.

"Do it or else! And don't give me that you wanting me to beg shit either."

"OK, I'l beg. Lemme lemme, please…ohhh come on Big Mac."

Minutes later with B'ligerent grinding her center against McCormack's muscular thigh and she using every bit of the drils juice, they reached a blinding climax. Their screams

were doubled as one body dropped from the ceiling and landed on them.

"Ohh Gods that was great! Can we do it again?" Jack asked from where she lay across McCormack's chest. "Ooohhh SHIT!" She yelped when caramel colored eyes driled

into her. "Half? Half where the hel are you?" She heard a mumbling then a loud slapping sound.

"OFF!" Came from under Jack, and then another slapping noise. "OFF ME!"

"Ohh I know where you are?" Jack fel of the side of the bed and took B'ligerent and Half with her.

"I need to fix the Zapper, ain't supposed ta drop ya from the damn ceiling." Half straightened her jumpsuit, and then realized where they were. "Hi guys." She grinned at first

until she saw two pairs of eyes promising a whole shit load of pain. "Bye guys!" She ran for the door to B'ligerent and Mac's quarters with a crawling Jack right behind her.

"Where we going?" Jack asked as she ran past Half.

"Where the Trol can't find me!" She ran towards the nearest Jeffries tube, opened it and crawled in leaving Jack to look around the corridor for a hiding place.

"Wait for me!" She screamed, ran for the Jeffries tube and hit the floor when her head bounced off the closed door.

@@@@@@@@@@@@

"Where the Hel did they go? I know damn wel that Jack and probably Half are behind the puff bals." Kathryn searched every square inch of the bay while Chata'lot stood

near the bay door holding onto her towel.

"Trebles Katie, those were Trebles and if we don't get rid of them, they'l take over the ship." Her eyes roled when Kathryn bent over a metal container and flashed her. "Ohhh

Katie! Look what I found!"

Kathryn looked over her shoulder, and fel over the container on to her head. She looked over the container to see Chata'lot waving her towel in the air.

"Come get it big bad warrior!" She strutted forward and ended up standing on the big X. Kathryn struggled over the top of the container, ran forward and dropped to her

knees in front of Chata'lot. Burying her face between her legs, she started licking the wetness from her lover. Fingers gripped the back of her head and puled her closer to

thrusting hips. Deep moans came from Chata'lot, her legs began to tremble as she pushed closer to the edge. When Kathryn's tongue pushed inside of her, she literaly fel over

with a scream. Her arms reached back to stop her fal, one hand hit the button that said Zapper.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@

On the bridge, the crew looked around at the crackling blue light arcing off the ceiling and then screamed when their Captain and First Officer dropped naked to the floor in

front of them. Kathryn's face was stil buried between Chata'lot's thighs and if not for the fingers puling on her ears and her name being yeled repeatedly, she would have

continued with her lapping and slurping.

"For Gods sake Little C, what's the problem? I thought you liked when I made al those noises?" She looked up a bright red body to see an equaly red face. "What?"

"Katie we're on the BRIDGE!"

Kathryn crawled up Chata'lot's body to obscure her crew's eyes from sneaking peeks. "How the Hel did we end up here?"

"However it happened, I must say that I never knew you were soooo affectionate Captain."

"Shut the fuck up Tom!" She got to her feet, puled Chata'lot up and stepped in front of her. "We'l finish this in the PRIVACY of our quarters." As she walked past Fairy, she

grabbed his combadge from his evening gown and caled for B'ligerent and Mac.

"Go ahead Captain."

"Find Jack, Half and Doc. And lock their stupid asses up!"

@@@@@@@@@@

Jack sat at the very end of the Jeffries tube with Half beside her. She kept trying to get a hold of Doc but wasn't getting any answer. She was starting to worry that something

had happened to her or worse, the ship could have been taken over by Trebles.

"Half, we gotta go find Doc."

"I ain't leavin! The Trol wil get me!" Half latched onto Jack's body and held on for dear life.

"The Trol is Chata'lot; I won't let her get you." She crawled back down the tube with Half hanging onto her leg. When she opened the hatch, B'ligerent and Mac were waiting

for them.

"OOHH SHIT! Gotta go, see ya guys!"

"NOT!" B'ligerent aimed her phaser at her and Mac puled them from the tube. "Captain wants you two in the transport room.

"Sorry, gotta find Doc."

"Doc's there waiting for you two, now move it!" B'ligerent kicked her in her ass al the way to the transport room where everyone was eagerly waiting.

"Ain't fair, I thought we had a good hiding place." Jack looked over her shoulder at Mac. "How'd ya know where we were?"

"Tracked Half's battery charger. Glad I'm not you!" She burst out laughing when she thought of what the Captain had planed for them. When the doors opened to the

transport, Doc was trying to keep al the Trebles on the beam-me-up-Scotty platform with a huge broom.

Kathryn stood off to the side with her arms crossed over her chest, the force 20 glare she gave Jack and Half could have disintegrated a normal person but had no effect on

Jack or Half. Pointing a long finger at them, she swung her arm to one broom for Jack and a smal wisp broom for Half.

"I want every single Treble off my ship! Now move it!"

Hours passed with the three of them pushing thousands of Trebles to the transporter. When the last bunch was gone, they dropped to the floor exhausted.

"I hope you two learned your lesson." Doc said as she gazed down at her sore and blistered hands. "Don't either one of you bring anything else on the ship or I'l throw you

two out the nearest hatch!"

"You won't have to worry about that." Chata'lot snickered. "We have the perfect place for the three of you."

@@@@@@@@@@

The ship was quiet for the first time since they started their Journey. Kathryn, Chata'lot, B'ligerent and Mac sat beside a quiet river. A smal fire kept the chil at bay and

reflected golden highlights across their faces. The sound of crickets soothed them as they lay in their partners' arms.

"They can't come back can they?" Chata'lot directed her question to B'ligerent.

"Nope, they're stuck until Kathryn says to let them come back."

Chata'lot snuggled further into Kathryn's body. "Good."

@@@@@@@@@

Outside of the ship, a long cable dragged a runabout behind as it went through space. The smal craft bobbed on the currents or so the crew on board thought.

"Did ya get it Half?" Jack asked from where she was standing over the control panel looking down at Half's feet.

"Al set, hit the button."

Doc sat against one wal with her hands over her eyes moaning. "I don't want to know what you two are doing; it's got to be BAD!"

"Waaaa whoooo! It's working!" Jack jumped up and down and pointed to the USS Argo. "Look it's flashing al kinds of pretty colors!"

@@@@@@@@@@@

The bridge crew covered their ears; the sound of Calypso music blasting through the ship along with the flashing of every light drove them nuts. Above the singers voice, they

heard Half repeating "You wil be facimalated escape is fertile!"

Doc roled over onto the floor and groaned. "How long do we have to listen to that music?"

"Until they either blow us up or the Captain lets us back on board. And if this music doesn't do it, we have Yoko Ono's greatest hits."

It took two minutes after they played Yoko's hits to be brought back on board; they were now stuck in the Holodeck. The Holo program was one that the Captain had

dreamed up with the help of Chata'lot. It was in the Amazon bathing hut and the three idiots had to scrub backs, do pedicures and give ful body massages to al the ancient

women of the Nation.

Jack stood holding on to the very tip of the scrub brush, her eyes closed tightly and her face scrunched up. Doc had shoulder length heavy black rubber gloves on, a five-galon

bucket of Crisco and was giving a woman with more wrinkles than a raisin, a massage. Half wore a welders shield, and huge grinder used to grind steel beams vibrated her

smal arms as she gave a pedicure to an old woman with toenails that looked like they should be on a bears foot.

"I HATE YOU JACK!" Doc screamed.

"I hate me more! Why couldn't they al look like the Captain and her groupies?"

They froze when the computer broadcast overhead that the program would self-destruct in 10 seconds.

"About damn time!" Half turned her grinder off and gave her friends a huge toothy grin. "Playboy bunnies here we come!!!" The ancient women disappeared; bodacious

bunnies appeared al over the bathhouse.

"What the Hel are those?" Doc asked as one bounced past her.

"Uuhmm guess I screwed up a little bit on the program huh?" Half was knocked to the floor as a huge rabbit with bodacious ears hopped past.

"Kil me now!" Doc howled and ran to a corner to bash her head against the wal.

"Uhhmm Half, ya know what rabbits do." She explained when Half shook her head. "THEY MULTIPLY!"

The End

Larisa

The Athenaeum's Scroll Archive