Willow sat reading Bleak House in the student center looking up nervously every few seconds. She knew Tara's Art History class was over at two and that the blonde frequently passed through the Student Center before returning to her dorm. Unless she went to the library, but on Thursdays Art History was her last class of the day so she should definitely come here for a snack and not to the library.
And then it occurred to her that it might be a bit strange that she had memorized her friend's schedules and habits so quickly. They had only been friends for a couple of weeks.
What's up with that? You don't even know where Xander works but you've calculated the statistical probability of Tara's appearance in the Student Center at 2:00 on a Thursday?
Which made her feel uncomfortable sitting there waiting so she tried to even harder to look non-chalant which just made her more nervous.
Oh my god. You are so stalking her.
And that begged the obvious question: Why?
Because she's a powerful witch! It's a witchy bonding thing. Well, that and the fact that she's cute and shy and has those incredible lips? and okay, so not ready to go there yet?
With a loud sigh Willow looked at her watch for the fifteenth time. 2:11. Tara was late. According to all of her careful calculations the blonde should have walked by already.
Maybe she ran into someone? Or maybe she's not coming. Or maybe I missed her.
Willow looked up from her book with mounting panic and peered nervously through the crowd. Still no sign of the blonde witch. She sighed again heavily and went back through the possible alternatives. She could try to 'bump into' Tara at the library or just happen to be in the dining center when Tara normally went, which would be sometime between 5:25 and 6:05.
She stuffed the unread Dickens into her bookbag and mumbled irritably to herself, "Give it up, she's not coming."
"Who's not coming?" Willow jumped at the sound of the familiar voice behind her. Tara. Who was now smiling and ducking her head in that devestatingly cute way. "S-sorry. I didn't mean to scare you Willow."
The redhead felt a ridiculous smile spread across her face. "It's okay, it's just?I thought?don't you have Art History in Gates on Thursday?"
The blonde looked confused. "Yeah, but it was cancelled."
"Oh!" Which meant that her calculations had been correct.
"So, who's not coming?" Tara asked again.
Willow stood up abruptly to face her, fumbling awkwardly for a response.
"Um, uh, I was supposed to meet Professor Blalock, but I guess she's tied up or something. I mean, not, like, in a kidnapped for ransom way or anything?sorry. Willow babble."
"I like Willow babble," Tara smiled again and looked around nervously as if she was embarrassed by her admission. "So, um, do you want to get a c-coffee or something?"
"Yeah!" Okay, that was a little too big with the yeah! But Tara was beaming happily. As they made their way through the tables and chairs toward the coffeemakers, Willow began to feel guilty about lying. But it wasn't a big lie. It was a tiny little white lie. Yeah, but it's still a lie and this is the Hellmouth and you know about that old road to hell?.
As the internal moral struggle raged, Willow felt Tara's hand rest lightly on her arm and looked up to find the blonde's face full of concern.
"Willow are you okay?"
I can't lie to her. Besides the whole Hellmouth issue there's the what-if-professor-Blalock-actually-shows-up thing.
"Um, yeah, I just?" she sighed dramatically and looked down at the ground. "It's just that I wasn't really here to meet Professor Blalock, I was here to?um, well you always walk through here around two on Tuesdays and Thursdays so I always try to be here then, but you weren't here so I thought?." She trailed off and continued to study the scuffed marble tiles, afraid to meet Tara's eyes. Great. Now she's gonna think you're a complete weirdo. "Sorry. It's really not as I'm-stalking-you as it sounds."
There were several moments of awkward silence before Tara spoke. "S- so you were here to s-see me?"
Willow felt her stomach turn over. "Um, yeah. Is that okay? 'Cause if it isn't I can totally not be here, y'know if that's what you wan." After several more moments of terrible silence she looked up to find the blonde blushing. The heat exploded in her own face at the sight.
"That's why I'm here too. C-cause you're always here after my Art History class?or usually?and I was hoping we could get c-coffee maybe?" Tara admitted.
Willow knew she should say something. Tara was staring at her expectantly
"Oh." Which obviously was not the response Tara needed because she was staring at the ground again, her hair falling into her face.
"Sorry. I guess that sounds a little weird?" Tara trailed off wistfully, her forehead furrowing deeply.
And then it just seemed ridiculous. Both of them arranging to be here on the same day hoping to run into each other. Ridiculous, but not odd considering the obvious connection they both shared.
"No! I mean, it doesn't sound weird? well, maybe a little, but I mean it's kinda cool. You know, both of us sneaking around to see each other here on the same day. Like we were both thinking the same thing at the same time -- synchronicity and all?." And then she stopped abruptly. "Sorry, I'm rambling again."
Tara was thoughtful for a moment, a small smile playing over her lips."Yeah it's cool, but you know, I've heard there's this nifty new invention called a phone that you can use to actually arrange to meet someone at a certain place in time."
Willow laughed, "I'll have to try that?.some other time when I'm not being all sneaky. Smartypants."
They sat down to drink their coffees and Willow found it harder and harder to concentrate on the conversation. Her thoughts kept wandering along with her eyes to the witch's lips, her blonde hair, her deep blue eyes. What's wrong with you?
There was a long awkward silence as the two of them smiled shyly down at their coffees. Willow stirred slowly and wondered if it had been long enough. Could she ask now? Would it seem rehearsed?
"Hey, um, I thought maybe we could get together later. Do some spells or whatever. I'll bring the pizza!"
She glanced up cautiously from her coffee expecting the blonde's shy smile and a quick 'yes'. But Tara was bent over her coffee, biting her lip, her forehead lined as she studied the contents of the cup.
Willow backtracked immediately, "But I mean, we don't have to?'cause you probably have better things to do on a Friday night and we can do it some other time if you don't want to?"
"No. I want to, it's just?" the blonde interrupted her and then trailed off looking down at her hands uncomfortably.
Willow tried to suppress the panic that threatened to overwhelm her. She had counted on a quick 'yes.' Tara had always made time for her before. At all hours.
"It's okay. Really. I shouldn't have assumed?"
"No. I mean, yes, you should have. It's just?I have a, um, a d-date."
"Oh." Willow felt as if she had been physically struck. The wind knocked out of her in one terrifying blow. But that wasn't right. Tara was her friend. She should be happy for her. Right? "Oh. Really? That's, that's great! That's so cool Tara." Willow managed to put some degree of sincerity in her voice to put the blonde at ease. She touched the blonde's soft hand and then pulled back as the strong electric shock arced between them.
Tara gasped at the contact, her eyes locking with the redhead's for what seemed like hours and then she forced her eyes away, a deep frown on her face. "No, it's n-not. A friend of mine set it up. I d-don't even want to g-go. It's g-going to be awful." Willow felt herself melt at the sight of the other girl's discomfort. Her stutter just made her more endearing. Tara was so special. She deserved to be happy. More than anyone.
Willow's voice, when she finally found it was gentle and certain,
"No it's not gonna be awful." She took the blonde's hand gently in her own, ignoring the powerful surge that ran through her. "You are going to have an amazing time. Who knows. Maybe he'll turn out to be the man of your dreams!"
Tara gave her a sad smile and squeezed Willow's hand before withdrawing her own.
****
"Wow! Who died?"
Willow looked up to find her best friend standing over her. The room was dark and she hadn't even heard Buffy come in. When Willow didn't respond right away, Buffy's mind began to race to the obvious Sunnydale conclusion."Oh, wait. God. Did someone die?"
"No!" Willow managed. "No dying here. Or elsewhere. Sorry."
"Can I turn on a light or will that break the depressing mood you were going for here?"
"Sure. Sorry. Guess I didn't notice."
Buffy turned on the overhead light and Willow squinted painfully as the Slayer made her way over to sit next to the redhead on the bed.
"You okay?"
Willow nodded and gave her friend a brave smile.
"Yeah. Sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me?.." All she could think about was Tara. Tara on her date. Where were they? What were they doing? And that brought a series of disturbing images: the blonde making out with someone, the blonde in some state of semi-naked?. She felt herself heat up at the thought and nervously searched for a distraction. "but I'm okay. How's Riley?"
Yes, Buffy's Riley chatter she had discovered recently was the exact equivalent of a cold shower. Especially when paired with the image of her best friend.
Buffy gave her a suspicious look before letting out a long sigh.
"The usual. Busy with Initiative stuff." She got up abruptly and stood facing the hunched form of the hacker. "You know what? I think it's time for us to have a girl's night. You, me and lot's of coffee. Which leads to lots of talking about what's going on in WillowWorld."
Willow gave her another sheepish grin. "Thanks Buffy, but it's okay. I'm sure Riley'll be by soon."
Buffy studied her with a worried look and then grabbed her arm, dragging the slim witch up to face her.
"He can wait. It's been too long since we had a best friend night."
"Really? Well, I'm good with the coffees, but I'm not so sure about the whole talking thing. It's just? I don't even know what's wrong you know?"
"Well, then it's time for Buffy research mode to get to the bottom of this mystery? minus the stuffy British guy and with lots of chocolate."
Part II
Willow had already cheered up measurably by the time they entered the crowded coffeehouse. It had been so long since she and Buffy had spent time together. She hadn't realized how much she missed her best friend until they slipped back into the comfortable banter.
So that's what all of that weirdness with Tara was all about. You're just lonely. You needed a friend. That's why you feel all jealous and with the warm and tingly, and? okay so maybe not exactly the same as Buffy. 'Cause, well, just 'ew'!
As they made their way through the tables toward the bar, Buffy chattered excitedly about recent Slayage while Willow laughed in all the right places at her friend's adventures.
"?you should have been there Will, it was just like that time in the morgue when?" but Willow didn't hear another word, her world frozen around a single point in the room. Tara. She was sitting at a table talking to another girl, a shy smile on her face. Which meant that she wasn't on a date, which meant that she had lied about her plans for the night. Why? She could have just said she didn't want to hang out with me. That she'd rather hang out with her hipper-than-me friends.
"Will?"
Buffy had finally realized that she was talking to herself and returned to find her friend frozen with a look of shock on her face. She followed her line of sight to find Tara sitting at a table near the back.
"Hey, isn't that Tara? Cool! She has a table." She said happily and walked toward the blonde witch.
"No. wait Buffy." But it was too late. The Slayer had already made her way to the blonde's table. Willow briefly considered sneaking out while Buffy's back was turned, but that would only make things more awkward in the long run. She willed herself to follow the Slayer.
"Hey Tara, do you mind if we sit with you guys? There's like a serious table imbalance happening tonight."
Tara looked absolutely terrified and Willow watched in horror as the blonde looked from her face to Buffy's to the anonymous girl.
"Um, h-hey B-Buffy." Tara's face was crimson with embarrassment, but Buffy seemed oblivious. "I-Is that okay with you R-Rachel?"
"Um, sure."
"Cool! Then I'll go get the coffees." Which left Willow standing beside the table wishing she could crawl under the floorboards.
Tara was still blushing furiously and Rachel was smiling, but obviously irritated by the intrusion.
Rachel. She knew this girl. They had English Comp together. She was a Junior, pretty with short-cropped black hair and a hip leather jacket. Willow suddenly felt awkward and foolish in her silly pink hello kitty t-shirt and cargo pants. So this was one of Tara's real friends. And she was cool. Not some hacker geek in a stupid fuzzy sweater. No wonder she kept Willow separated from her other friends. I'm not cool enough.
"Hi Rachel," Willow finally managed. The other girl smiled back.
"Hey. Willow right?"
"Yeah. Um, look, I'm sorry Tara. Buffy's just?." But she couldn't think of anything to say. "We've got to go anyway. You know, the whole patrol thing. I mean?" she groaned in embarrassment. "Whatever. I'll see you later." She turned abruptly and walked toward the counter muttering to herself, but was stopped by a hand on her arm.
"Willow."
It was Tara. Willow looked down at the girl's graceful hand on her arm. She couldn't bear to look into those blue eyes.
"Oh, hey Tara."
"Y-you don't have to go. You can sit with us. Really." Tara released her arm and Willow looked down at the floor. Still unable to meet her friend's gaze.
"No. We're good, really. We're all with the slayage tonight. Well, I mean, Buffy's with the slayage, I'm more with the 'go Buffy's," she raised her arms in a mock cheer, "and, well, more the staying-out-of-the-wayage."
The blonde's smile was pained.
"Willow?"
"Hey, it's okay. Really?" but then suddenly she was frustrated and embarrassed and almost angry. Which was strange because she had never felt anything like anger around the blonde. So, maybe it was more like hurt. Yes, definitely hurt. "But I just? I thought you were going on a date. I mean, if you wanted to hang out with your cool other friends you could have told me?"
Tara looked at her for a few moments in confusion as if she was trying to decide what to do. Or what to say. Willow watched with mounting panic as the blonde blinked slowly and took a deep breath.
"I-I am on a d-date Willow. With Rachel." she finally managed, her hand reaching out to gently clasp the redhead's arm once more.
"But?"
Willow turned the statement over and over in her mind trying to make sense of it. Everything around her slowing to a stop until with an excruciating click it all fell into place.
"Oh!" she backed up abruptly pulling her arm away from Tara without meaning to. "Oh." And that was all that she could seem to say. Her brain locked in an infinite loop on Tara's last statement. She's on a date. With a girl. Date. Girl. She dates girls. Tara dates girls. Like a complicated equation she had been working on subconsciously for weeks and maybe months and well, probably years that had suddenly arrived at one simple solution. "Oh."
Stop saying that!
Tara looked as if she was going to burst into tears.
"I'm sorry Willow, I was g-going to tell you, but it never seemed like the right t-time what with all the d-demons and everything and?"
"Hey guys, got the mochas!" Buffy appeared beside her with the two drinks. At least they're in to-go cups. This is definitely a to-go moment if ever a to-go moment there was.
"Um, hey Buff, maybe we should make with the patrol," Willow danced nervously between the two women unable to look at the blonde. "You know, kind of a best friends night to go. I mean seeing as how it's kinda late and all."
The Slayer gave her a suspicious but amused glance, "M'okay Will. Whatever you want, Best Friend." She ended with a broad smile for the redheaded witch and then turned to Tara. "guess we'll see you later then Tara."
The blonde witch managed a shy, painful smile as the Slayer turned to walk out.
"Willow?"
But Willow couldn't bear to hear it. Whatever Tara had to say. It was all too much. She felt embarrassed enough as it was. And she wasn't even sure why.
"Hey, um, I'm sorry if we ruined your, uh, date or whatever. 'Cause, um, she seems nice and everything and cool, I mean much cooler than?" me, she thought and somehow managed not to say out loud. "Sorry again for the babble. Um, I'll see you? later. I guess." And then she turned to leave because she couldn't bear another second of this. But she heard it as she walked away, her name softly like a whisper, like a dream. "Be safe Willow."
****
Their mochas were cold. Her feet were cold. The tombstone she sat on was cold, which made her butt cold. Everything was cold. They had been sitting in the graveyard for over an hour and no action, no sign of anything strange or even interesting. And Buffy was getting edgy, pacing impatiently and rambling about Riley while Willow's own thoughts wandered.
Okay, so she was on a date. With a girl. With Rachel. I wonder if Rachel's a witch. Maybe they do spells together. Oh god, what if they do spells together? Powerful spells? Willow blushed furiously at the memory of casting with the blonde witch. The intensity of it, the strength of the connection. What if they're doing a spell right now? Tara doing a spell without me. With someone else.
"?and Riley was all with the 'I'm gonna give birth to a three-headed demon baby?'"
"Uh-huh," came the redhead's distracted reply.
But they're on a date so they're probably not doing spells. Which was some consolation for a few moments.
"Will?"
Yeah, they're probably not doing spells at all. They're probably doing something date-like. Something smoochie or? and she felt the world catch fire at the thought of Tara kissing another girl. Tara kissing anyone with those lips-
"Will!"
"Huh?" The hacker pulled herself back from Tara-land to find the Slayer standing over her, hands on hips. "Oh, sorry, Buffy."
The Slayer sat down with a long sigh beside her best friend on the tombstone. Willow felt guilty immediately. They had spent so little time together in recent months and now that Buffy had finally made time for her, she was too distracted to enjoy it.
"It's okay, all this Riley babble is boring even me." She put her arm around the redhead. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I just?I don't know." She sighed heavily and looked down at her hands. How could she explain what she didn't even understand.
"Is it Oz?"
"What? Oh. No." Which was strange. Willow realized that she hadn't thought about him in weeks. Since she had begun to hang out with Tara. In fact she hadn't really thought about anything at all. Except Tara. And she had been happier than she had ever felt in her life. Just thought of the blonde's shy smile made her feel warmer despite the chill.
"Well, that's good. So what's going on in Willow World?"
Yeah, what is up Rosenburg? What's wrong with you? You see Tara on a date with some other girl and you go all wiggy?
"Hey Buffy, sorry I'm late. Oh, hey Willow." Willow was surprised to find that she wasn't annoyed by Riley's intrusion. For the first time ever she felt relieved.
"Oh, hey Riley!" She averted her eyes as the Slayer greeted him with a passionate kiss and then took advantage of the moment to hop off the tombstone and pick up her bag. "I think I'm gonna head back to the room if that's okay."
"Oh, yeah. Do you want us to walk you back?"
"No. I'm okay. Really."
Buffy freed herself from her boyfriend's grip and walked over to the redhead.
"Are you sure you're okay?"
"Yep. Fine. Really. You two have slayage and smoochies and you know, the good stuff in life."
The redhead gave her a reassuring squeeze and then turned to leave, immediately dropping back into her reverie. A walk would be good. She needed time to think.
****
Part III
Okay, time for research girl. What's the problem here? Well number one would be why do I care so much that Tara was on a date with a girl? Hmmm. Well maybe it's that you're homophobic? Willow's forehead furrowed at her own internal suggestion. She liked to think she was open-minded. After all, her best friend had dated a vampire who tried to kill them all and her own doppelganger had been pretty, well, polysexual at least and that hadn't wigged her out. Well, not that much anyway except for the licking her neck part and that only because of the confusing mix of arousal and disgust it elicited. So, we can rule out homophobic. Well, maybe it's just that girl. Yeah, she seemed so haughty and all with the cooler-than-thou attitude and?. Okay Rosenburg you don't even know Rachel. She could be totally perfect for Tara. No, that's not possible because I'm perfect for Tara and there can't be two people who are perfect for?.
Willow froze in the middle of the quad. Her mind was overwhelmed by a sudden electrical storm of activity - a huge, earth-shattering epiphany - all of the resources of her powerful psyche focusing on one overwhelming realization: I'm in love with her. That's what this is. I'm in love with that girl. That perfect shy, quiet, sweet beautiful girl. Tara.
And without a conscious thought she was running. She wasn't even sure where she was running until she arrived out of breath at Tara's dorm. It wasn't until she was standing outside of Tara's room, breathless and sweating that she began to have doubts. What if Rachel's there? What if they're?. And that brought images of the blonde witch kissing? kissing Willow. Tara's soft lips moving over her own. Hands on her hips. And that turned the hallway into a furnace. Whoa, down girl. You don't want to scare her to death. Just because you're in love with her and she likes girls does not mean she'd be in love with a geek like you. But then her thoughts drifted back to the curve of the blonde's breast under the tight blue shirt she was wearing earlier. Oh my god! Stop! Stop with the naughtiness already!
How did I not notice this before? God! Denial much?
Willow forced herself to take a series of cleansing breaths and tried to relax. What if she's in there with Rachel? What if she doesn't like me that way? Maybe I should just call her tomorrow.
The redhead took a few steps away from Tara's door and then clenched her fists.
"No! you're gonna do this right now." Cause you're never gonna be able to sleep again if you don't.
Another deep breath and she took a step toward the door. Okay carpe diem ?without all of the vampire nastiness this time.
She knocked but there was no response. Maybe she's not back yet. Or maybe she's at Rachel's? She felt her entire body slump at the thought. She had just decided to go back to her room and map the entire confrontation out with charts and graphs when the door opened slightly.
"Willow?"
She felt a warm rush at the sound of her name on the other girl's lips. The soft way she said it, like a love song. And then she realized that she had not responded.
"Hi Tara. Sorry I came by so late I just?" The door opened slightly and she looked at the floor in embarrassment. And then it hit her. That maybe Rachel was there. Why else would Tara not let her in immediately? She always had before. "?I can?I'm sorry. You're probably busy with post-date whatever?. And, uh, I'll just talk to you tomorrow." She waved weakly and began to walk away.
"Willow wait."
And she heard it then and knew before she even turned around. The break in Tara's soft voice. She had been crying. Willow turned in one quick movement. The thought of Tara in pain made her desperate. Panicked.
"Tara are you okay? What happened? Are you hurt?"
The door was now open and Willow could see the blonde's red-rimmed, swollen eyes.
"No, I'm okay Willow." Tara looked around the hall uncomfortably and then moved aside. "Do you want to come in?"
Willow put down a sudden fear that she would find Rachel in the room and walked past Tara. The room was dark, lit only by a few candles. And Rachel wasn't there. But there was still the fact that Tara was crying. She put her hand on the blonde's arm gently.
"Tara what's wrong?"
But the blonde wouldn't speak. Wouldn't look at her.
"Did somebody hurt you?" A weak nod. Willow felt anger boiling up inside of her at the thought of someone, anyone hurting the vulnerable, perfect girl.
"Who?"
"You." And that seemed to pull all of the air out of the room. Tara moved away from her grip and walked across the room to sit down on the bed. "At the c-coffeehouse. The way you looked at me?like I was s-some kind of f-freak, or m-monster or something. I just?I thought you?" the blonde trailed off and Willow found that she didn't have the strength to face her. Just stood there studying the door, her back to Tara trying to decide how to explain this.
I hurt her.
"I'm sorry Tara. I didn't? I mean?." She exhaled slowly and turned to face the blonde. "I know I acted weird, I mean, okay stupid would probably be a better word, but it's not what you think. I mean, it's not cause I think you're a freak or a monster. I could never think that."
"Then what was it?" the blonde sniffed weakly.
Willow paused unsure of what to say. This had to be just right. Perfect. And this was so not the moment.
"Um, I can't tell you right now."
"Why? Is it some top secret Scooby thing?" It was so tempting to just say 'yes' but she knew she couldn't lie to Tara. Not about this.
"No." She took a few more steps toward Tara and knelt at her feet by the bed. "I can't tell you 'cause I don't know how to say it yet. But I will in a few minutes so if you can wait I promise I'll tell you as soon as the processor in the back of my brain finally works it out. Is that okay?"
Tara actually managed a smile and nodded but stayed silent. After what seemed like an impossibly long time Willow broke the silence.
"So, uh, how was your date?"
"You can talk while you process?" The blonde gave her a teasing smile and Willow found herself beaming in response.
"Yes, smartie. It's an in-the-background kinda thing. So how was it?" Tara's smile faded and she looked down.
"It w-was fine."
"Just fine? Come on she was pretty cute." Tara's head snapped up in surprise at Willow's remark. "And she seemed like she was into you, but then who wouldn't be." And now she was bright red hiding behind her hair in that way that melted Willow's heart.
"Um, I-I d-don't know?"
"Do you?like her?"
Tara's face contorted in an uncharacteristic frown.
"Willow this is w-weird. Can't w-we t-talk about something else?"
"No. You want me to be cool with it and I am. Isn't this what friends are supposed to do? I mean, all with the girl talk?.so to speak."
"Yeah, I g-guess."
"So? Do you like the girl or not?"
"Yeah ?" Tara replied weakly and Willow's heart sank. "I mean, I used to l-like her?but I'm not sure anymore. Aren't you, uh, done p-processing yet?"
"Not quite," she admonished playfully, "and stop trying to change the subject. So you don't like her."
"N-no. I mean I used to have this giant crush on her, but now I'm k-kinda in love with someone else."
And this was something she hadn't really considered. Whether Tara was in love with her. It hadn't been important at the time of her I'm-in-love-with-Tara epiphany, but now it was. But how would I know? I mean she blushes around me all the time and she goes to the student center just to bump into me. But that doesn't prove anything.
"Oh. Who?"
Please let it be me?
Tara crossed her arms and frowned. "I d-don't think I want to talk about this anymore."
"Why? I'm not gonna tell anyone."
"It's just?why do you want to know all of a sudden? I mean, you never asked before. We usually just talk about magic or demons or Scooby stuff and now s-suddenly?"
"Yeah, but maybe we should talk about other stuff sometimes. You know, friends stuff or whatever."
"W-willow you don't have to prove to me that you're okay with the whole g-gay thing. It's okay if it freaks you out."
"It doesn't. I mean, okay, maybe it did for like a nanosecond, but it doesn't," she reached to tuck a strand of the blonde's hair behind one ear. "So not freaked now. Really. And that's not why I'm asking anyway."
"Then w-w-why?" The blonde asked quietly and closed in on herself. But Willow found she couldn't focus any longer, she found that she was mesmerized by Tara's lips.
"Because," she managed to mumble.
"Willow that's n-not an answer."
But Willow couldn't focus, lost in a world of possible soft kisses.
"Willow?"
"Hmm."
And then suddenly the lips were gone and Tara was up and moving away from her, her arms crossed defensively across her chest.
"I think m-m-maybe I just w-want to be alone right now...." And something else, something terrible and gut-wrenching. Tara was crying. Again. Oh great! I made her cry again. Great going Rosenburg!
"No, wait! I'm sorry! I did it again didn't I?" Willow closed the distance between them placing her hands on the other girls arms. Tara flinched and shrank from the contact and Willow felt her panic mounting.
"I j-just?w-why are you acting so?. I mean why is e-everything d-different all of a sudden?" Willow watched in horror as a lone tear rolled slowly down Tara's cheek. "I mean, I-I'm not any different. I'm the same person y'know ?"
"I know!" Willow groaned in frustration, "and that's kinda the point, because you're a really cool and smart and beautiful person?and did I mention beautiful?" Tara nodded slightly so Willow continued, "Cause that's an important one. Beautiful. And you're sweet and thoughtful and well, I just didn't know this one thing about you. You know, the gay thing so it is a little different, but in a totally good and maybe even better way?" Willow took a deep breath and tried to regain her original line of thought.
"So, I am different? to you," Tara said softly with a look of utter defeat.
"Well yeah! I mean, hello, gay being not what I assumed you are, not that I would assume you were anything because that would make an ass?okay, I'm not saying this right because see it's more that you're different and I'm different because? and it's so cool 'cause maybe we're different in the same way?well, see." Willow took a breath and checked the blonde's reaction to find that she was near tears again. What are you saying you idiot! You're making it worse and? for once in your life just say it! " Okay! I'm in love with her!" Willow yelled at herself and then realized that somehow the words had made the quantum leap from the utter turmoil of her brain the air between them. "With you I mean," she added weakly with a thin smile and then looked quickly down at the ground. This wasn't working out the way she had hoped. She should have gathered more evidence, mapped out a plan. But it was too late now. And what if she doesn't like me? Can we even be friends after something like that? That was, in the words of her grandfather, quite a matzoh ball hanging between them. "And if you'd let me finish processing that would have come out a lot better without the matzoh ball and probably with more appropriate timing and maybe even flowers or something?"
"What?" the blonde managed finally.
"I'm in love with you?" she repeated carefully, worried that she would upset her friend again.
"No. No you're not," Tara said and shook her head emphatically.
"What?" Willow was stunned by the response. She was expecting either happiness or horror. Or maybe even disgust, but not this whole bzzz wrong answer thing. "Yes I am!"
"N-No, you're not. You're Willow. You have a b-boyfriend you're still in love with, a best friend who's a Slayer and you're not. In love with me!"
Willow stood in shock before the blonde. Tara had never raised her voice to Willow. Oh god this is bad. Now what do I do? And is she saying that because she doesn't want it to be true? Or because she does? Okay, way too many variables here, I told you you should have planned this out. Carpe diem my?foot!
The redhead took a deep breath and prepared to claw her way out of the giant hole she had somehow managed to dig between herself and Tara. Okay, stay calm, use your debate team skills and don't scare her. "Yes. I am Willow. I had a boyfriend. I'm not still in love with him. My best friend is the Slayer and I just realized that I'm in love with this gorgeous witch named Tara, but apparently she's not in love with me and I now feel like a total idiot and I don't know why I thought?."
"It's not possible, it's not possible, this isn't happening?" Willow could barely make out the blonde's sobbing litany.
Tara was staring at the floor now shaking her head and Willow felt the entire world grow heavier pulling all of her internal organs toward the floor. As the atmosphere crushed down around her slim frame, breathing became an issue, her lungs working in excruciating gasps to supply her body and more importantly, her brain with much-needed oxygen. Willow was sure she was going to pass out. It was all too much. The epiphany, the run over to Tara's room, the panic. And now Tara wouldn't even look at her. She had managed to ruin everything in a matter of minutes.
"Oh god, I'm sorry Tara?" the redhead squeaked and then realized that there simply wasn't enough oxygen in the room to continue speaking so she did the only thing left, the one thing every Scooby was trained to do in a no-win situation - she backed out of the room carefully and ran.
****
Willow managed to hold back the hurricane of tears until she got back to the dorm room, but as soon as the door closed behind her it all came pouring out of her in huge racking sobs. For the first time in weeks she was grateful that her roommate was still out with Riley. How could she possibly explain this? Oh, yeah, no big Buffy. I just realized that I'm not just kinda gay I'm in love with Tara, but, hey, small problem, she's totally not in love with me! Which really shouldn't be such a surprise.... since, hello, I can't even make things work with the boys and girls are so much smarter...
"Hey Will, I'm so glad you're here!" Oh perfect! Willow raged internally while trying with kleenex and shirt sleeves to return her face to something resembling normal. At least the light was dim. "Ohmygod, are you okay?" Damn slayer senses! "Did something hurt you? 'Cause we got jumped by these three?"
"No! No jumped here, just having a bad night," Willow weakly reassured her best friend.
"Oz?" the Slayer asked with a look of serious concern as she stroked the redhead's back in a comforting gesture.
"Uh, yeah," Willow lied. Coward! "So you got jumped?" she asked weakly hoping to change the subject.
"Oh yeah! These three vamps and a demon which is no big really, but they had this," Buffy pulled a small wooden box out of her coat pocket and set it on the bed between them. "It's got some kind of funky little metal thingy inside. Riley and I had like the biggest fight over it. He wanted to take it to the Initiative for testing, but it totally gave me the wiggins so I thought we should take a look at it first before they make with the experimenting?"
Willow nudged it absently with her foot. This was the last thing she wanted to do tonight. She just wanted to listen to sad CDs and cry and hopefully think of some way to salvage whatever she could of her friendship with Tara. "I thought maybe you and Tara could take a look at it before we show it to Giles at the Scooby meeting tomorrow," the Slayer asked expectantly. Okay, this is the second to last thing I wanted to do tonight, first being the shame and humiliation of facing Tara again.
"Um, I think Tara's kinda busy right now, but I'll take a look at it if you want," Willow offered half-heartedly.
"Great!" Buffy jumped up from the bed and began to collect her things.
"Going out?" Willow asked hopefully.
"Yeah, unless you need to talk, 'cause I can put off making up with Riley 'til tomorrow if you need the best friend thing." Willow thought about how much she wanted to talk to her best friend, needed to talk to her best friend. But she couldn't. Buffy would definitely freak over this one and she wasn't even sure that there was something to freak about.
Willow shook her head and forced a smile. "No, it's okay. You should go have makeup smoochies. I'll just work on the wiggins box. Who knows? Maybe it'll take my mind off of? things."
Buffy stood in the open doorway staring at her best friend with a distracted, but concerned expression.
"Okay, but we will talk tomorrow right? I want full disclosure, like, a three mocha disclosure.."
"Yes sir," Willow saluted as Buffy rolled her eyes and closed the door behind her.
Finally! Willow thought and eyed the box with mounting irritation. Stupid box. I just want to be alone with my self-pity and I should be darn it. I've earned it! She nudged the box again with a sneakered foot and rose with a sigh. Okay, shower then continue with the crying. Or maybe cry in the shower? 'Cause that would be a much more efficient use of time. Willow rambled internally as she collected her towel and shower kit and trudged toward the hall.