EN SUITE - A Musical Oddity
by Lela Kaunitz

DISCLAIMER:  
All characters belong to MCA/Renaissance Pictures. 
All actors, wedding rings pinned to their underwear notwithstanding, 
presumably belong to themselves.
All events portrayed in this story are not only fictional, but are 
also exceedingly unlikely.

SUBTEXT: Well, more like maintext.



This shooting script was discovered during cleanup operations following a
recent Xena/Hercules fan convention.

Some sections of the text were badly damaged, others poorly photocopied, 
but I have managed to reconstruct the majority of the document.
 
It is duplicated below for your perusal.



FAIRLY RECENTLY, IN A CONVENTION CENTRE NOT ALL THAT FAR AWAY...


HUDSON
Lucy be warned, Lucy beware
Hundreds of your rabid fans are out there.
They dissect your life, your looks and your show -
That blue kaftan, dear, has just got to go!

(gives Lucy an appraising look, then holds up a long, sheer black dress)

Try on this gown, it will reveal
Far more of you than it will conceal.

She whirls LUCY around, and, thanks to the magic of television, Lucy is instantly - 
barely - dressed in this semi-opaque figure-hugging outfit. 
HUDSON looks inordinately pleased with herself.
In the background, several FANS begin panting, and one faints outright.

LUCY
You're acting so strangely that I hardly know ya,
But if I could walk in this dress I would show ya.

HUDSON
If only you knew me so well as I'd like.
But you married Rob Tapert, so you're not a...

LUCY
(interrupting)
Robert! My husband! Is he at this con?

HUDSON
I'm not keeping tabs, dear,
On what's going on.
If you want to know more ...
(gestures towards the stage)
... go on.


CUT TO:

In the foreground, TED RAIMI stands talking to a few fans.

In the background, RENEÉ is reading a script, conspicuously labelled 
"FINS, FEMMES AND GEMS".

TED:
Hi I'm Ted Raimi.
Can you really blame me
For taking a part in this?

RENEÉ
(reading from script)
You want me to fist a fish?

TED
Sure I am a goofy dude,
And my armour's slightly screwed -
But would you rather see me nude?

RENEÉ looks at FFG script, looks at TED, screams in horror.


CUT TO:

A crowd of impatient Xena fans. They begin chanting and clapping.

FANS
Lucy! Lucy! Lucy! Lucy! Lucy! Lucy! Lucy!

We've been waiting in this queue,
We drove hours just for you,
We're obsessive, that is true ... for Xena!

We watch Xena every night,
Now our partners live in fright,
They?ve begun to loathe the sight of Xena.

Now her rating points have soared.
She's fanatically adored.
We will never become bored with Xena.

FAN #1
She's the warrior princess with a bard by her side -

FAN #2
And just how close they are, no one can quite decide...

FAN #3
(in Xena outfit)
Her accent is fantastic!

FAN #4
(to Fan #3)
Is your chakram made of plastic?

ALL FANS
Bring her on! Lucy! Bring her on!

CUT TO:

LUCY, backstage, is ripping up the sides of her black dress so she 
can walk in it.

HUDSON
(reading the horoscope and raising an eyebrow)
Aries! I thought as much. 

LUCY
So why the big seduction outfit? What's the point?

(breaks into song)
This dress is far too tight and far too scandalous,
I'm worried that my fans might be alarmed.

HUDSON
Since that shoot for Esquire,
They're accustomed to your charms.

CUT TO:

KEVIN SORBO and MICHAEL HURST have wandered in to see what all the 
fuss is about. 

KEVIN, dumbfounded by the legions of screaming fans, turns to MICHAEL 
for explanation.

MICHAEL
Carrying a show takes personality.

FANS
Lucy!

MICHAEL
Lucy's got charisma down in spades.

FANS
LUCY!

MICHAEL
Kevin, she's the one that all these women came to see.

CUT TO:

FANS
It is such a farce - 
Ulysses was so miscast!
It was glimpsed in "The Quest" - us subtexters know best!
Why act so appalled?
They are lovers, is all!

HUDSON
What would all the censors say?

LUCY
(struck by a happy thought)
Then I'd get to kiss Reneé...

FANS
Lucy, how long must we call?!

CUT TO:

A pack of eager Gabfans, waving their staffs. Two are prominent in that 
they both have immaculate Gabby hair.

GABFANS
Gabrielle ... Gabrielle ... Gabrielle...
She's a mountain-climbing lass,
And she's got a perfect ass ...

GABFAN #1
Guys, I think you're getting crass ...

GABFAN #2
What the hell.

GABFANS
Though an innocent she's been,
When her perfect abs we've seen,
We can't keep our minds quite clean, Gabrielle.

GABFAN #1
No guys can get near her now Xena's in the way -

GABFAN #2
And all the men she likes seem to die anyway.

GABFAN #3
Look how quickly they axed "Ellen".

GABFAN #4
Safer simply never telling!

ALL GABFANS
Where's Reneé? Bring her out! Where's Reneé?

WILLA O'NEILL wanders out onto the stage, holds up her hands for silence.

WILLA
I accept that Lilla's hardly popular,
Still that doesn't really bother me -
I take heart in knowing I'm not Shiri Appleby!

CUT TO:

The Gabby Hair Twins. One has bandaged fingers - evidently from practising 
her staff fighting.

THE GABBY HAIR TWINS
We both love Reneé,
That is all we have to say.
We can think she's hot, we don't need to be gay.
We adore her abs,
That is why we think she's fab - 

GABFAN #1
The BGSB's got small -

OTHER GABFANS
Yeah, but we don't mind at all.

ALL GABFANS
We've come here to see Reneé!

As if on cue, RENEÉ emerges onto stage, waves to the crowd.

The Gabfans go ballistic - the unbandaged Twin starts clawing at the 
nearest inanimate object.


CUT TO:

RJ STEWART, in the audience among the FANS.

RJ STEWART
Keeping ratings up requires violence -
Xena swinging swords is all the go.
One Against An Army - 
I think fighting makes the show.

FANS
We just love subtext
Never mind special effects!

FAN #6
Will we see them kiss again?

RJ STEWART
No! Of course not! They like men!

FANS
We want subtext! More! More! More!

LUCY appears on the other side of the stage, still wearing the black dress. 
She is quite obviously checking RENEÉ out. 
WILLA raises an eyebrow.
LUCY notices WILLA's raised eyebrow and gives her THE LOOK. 
The FANS cheer madly.

WILLA
Gabrielle and Xena are far more than friends;
Ren and Luce are nothing of the kind - 
Hey Blue Eyes! I'm sure you're checking out Reneé's behind.

LUCY
Looking at Reneé?
All I wanted was to say -

WILLA
(to Reneé)
Lucy wants into your skirt.

RENEÉ
Well, one fling could hardly hurt.

She turns.

GABFANS
We just want to see Reneé!

LUCY and RENEÉ look at each other from across the stage. Sparks fly.

FANS
We want more!

GABFANS
God that girl is really built,
Lust like this does not feel guilt...

The convention degenerates into a brawl, with attempts to forcibly remove 
the non-subtexters.

NON-SUBTEXTERS
Don't misread the way you're feeling!
Lucy was MRS New Zealand!

SUBTEXTERS
Can you blame her for wanting to kiss you?

NON-SUBTEXTERS
Friends!

SUBTEXTERS
More!

NON-SUBTEXTERS
Friends!

SUBTEXTERS
More!

LUCY and RENEÉ reach the centre of the stage, wrap their arms around one another, 
and kiss passionately.

DISSOLVE TO:

RENEÉ, obviously overcome by exertion, is lying on the floor. 

TED, holding a candle, bends to look at her neck.

TED
(to Lucy)
Is that a hickey?

LUCY turns quickly away - and bumps into KEVIN SMITH. 

He draws her into a tango pose.

KEVIN SMITH
You're out-rating Herc, but I understand.
Your once spin-off show has been far better planned.
From cartoonish plots, you have made a shift,
Descending to darkness by starting The Rift.

Now I play a god as a plot device.
As a god I am feeble, but God I look nice.
//
//

From episodes shown overseas they have cut
Most of the violence and some of the smut
We're so disappointed, all that we can say
Is send season four out from the USA...

//
Imagine how ticked off the network must be.
So leave Ren alone ... and make out with me.

He lowers LUCY to the floor, beside the still-unconscious RENEÉ.

HUDSON
How did it feel to kiss your little friend?
Did that ease your tension or bring it to an end?
All your frustration will burden you yet -
Until you can just get laid.

KEVIN SMITH and HUDSON fade out.

RENEÉ opens her eyes, sits up, stares at LUCY.

RENEÉ
You kissed me?

LUCY
I - yeah, I kissed you. It was the confusion!

RENEÉ
And that's supposed to make me feel better?

(a beat)

LUCY
(channelling Meg)
Well, it made me feel better.

The sounds of the struggle offstage have begun to intrude. 

...

A FAN  wearing a "Xena and Gabrielle - Just Friends!" t-shirt comes soaring 
across the stage. LUCY has to duck to avoid being hit.

The crowd of brawling fans breaks onto the stage, and RENEÉ is swept away. 
LUCY lunges, trying to grab her hand.

Dramatic music, in the style of "The Exorcist", rises above the roar - 

CUT TO:

HUDSON, by the stereo, with a wicked grin.

CUT TO:

LUCY and RENEÉ, running through the convention centre, trying to get away 
from the hordes of fans. They burst through a door, and find...

RENEÉ
(staring)
The hot tub! This is where it started!

...

An ominous shadow rises, the silhouette of a man - THE PRODUCER. 
Behind him: RJ STEWART, STEVE SEARS, LIZ FRIEDMAN, SAM RAIMI.

PRODUCER
It begins nothing much
Just an inadvertent touch,
And a look just a little too long.
But the subtext is there,
And before you're quite aware,
You will find yourself playing along.

Lucy the star? Ain't it strange? How bizarre.
This show needs a higher rating
For what you're contemplating.

...

Being straight is an art
Even people who are smart
Can be turned, can be bent, can be swayed.
But her skin is so sweet -
Should you just admit defeat?
Or else wait for the feelings to fade?

The temptation grows greater, you can't quite resist -
Till one day at a con, we find out you have kissed!

...



[The rest of the manuscript is missing. The end section seems 
to have been roughly torn out, for reasons unknown.]