Life, Lesbians, and Liturgy
Vignettes of one woman's life
"First Crush"
by Lisa S.
My first crush was on our youth pastor's wife, Shannon. I must have been around seven or eight when I actually noticed her. She was probably in her mid-twenties. I guess I've always been attracted to older women!
To me, she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen! In my young, obsessive way (not that it really differs from my current, obsessive way!), I did everything possible to get her attention. I even dragged her to my father once and begged him to take out his false teeth. I mean, come on! Who wouldn't be impressed with false teeth!
One time, my best friend Marnie, her younger sister Allison, and I were roller skating near my house (yes, roller skating, not rollerblading!). Allison fell and scraped her knee and I convinced them that Shannon's house - about a half mile away and across two very busy streets - was closer than my own house down the street. In my infinite childlike wisdom, I saw the situation as a chance to show off my skating ability to the girl I was unknowingly courting. The wooden spoon across my bare ass when my father came home did little to disillusion me.
My father was often my unknowing accomplice as I attempted to woo the youth pastor's wife. I remember begging him to stop at the side of the road once to pick wild flowers to deliver, in person, to the object of my affection. If he'd known then what he knows now, I doubt he would have been so willing. In fact, he probably would have sent me for reprogramming at the slightest sign of my blossoming homosexuality.
As it was, until my family moved to Wisconsin from that small town in New Jersey, my crush only grew worse. Twice a year our church youth group would go on trips and I'd always secretly hope that I'd be in Shannon's cabin. Just to bask in her presence. I'd beg her to French braid my hair, which was always my prized possession. Her fingers running through my hair was heaven, even as a youth.
Looking back, having come out of the closet and having been given the opportunity to look back on those annoying and ever present sign posts of my childhood, I see just how precious and innocent that crush was. And yet, it was so significant; Those little pearls of our youth that we can all hold close even as we're jaded and rotted by realities of adulthood. For me my first crush is something to always be remembered, cherishing those simpler times and emotions.
Life, Lesbians, and Liturgy: Vignettes of one woman's life "First Crush"©copyright September 2005
Property of Lisa S.