Refuge by Lisa S

Prologue

She watched as the older girl packed up her car. Biting her lip, she desperately wanted to go to her, to tell her. But she was too afraid. Too afraid of the sting of rejection.

The seniors were all supposed to be on their senior trip. They were going to go camping for a few days before heading to Chicago to catch a plane to Florida. The trip was extravagant, as far as senior trips went, but that was also the perfect word to describe the senior class of 1988. Extravagant.

But the seniors came back early. She'd heard her parents talking about it, the neighbors were talking about it, her friends were talking about it; everyone was talking about it! She didn't understand what the big deal was. They said it was because she was only 15 and couldn't understand what it all meant. But she did. She understood more than any of them.

So what if Kate and Sara had been caught having sex? She'd seen them kissing all the time in the park. She'd even seen Kate's hand under Sara's shirt once. She wasn't too young to understand. What she had never understood was why she always wished she were Sara, kissing Kate with Kate's hand under her shirt?

She looked down at her own flat chest, knowing that Kate would never find anything of interest there. Her mother said that she'd be a late bloomer, just like she was. Sighing, she resumed watching Kate pack up her car. The whole town knew, Kate was leaving, and she just didn't understand why the most interesting person in the entire town had to leave.

Her eyes filled with tears as she watched Kate get into the car and drive away, wishing she could go with her.

Chapter One

Failure was always painful. Then why was the ache within her so surprising? Just a little longer, she kept telling herself, just need to hang on a little bit longer. Then what? What would happen?

Refuge, she thought. Refuge.

She closed her eyes to the onslaught, carefully focusing her energies on the thoughts of refuge, not allowing the despair to swallow her, although the threat was there.

Her office, once her place of peace and control was becoming more foreign by the second as she displaced her own feelings and detached her emotions from what was going on around her.

Outside the door leading into her corner office, she heard Betty, her secretary, raise her voice. "You cannot go barging in there!"

Yes, they can, Kate thought to herself, a smile playing on her lips.

Only brief seconds went by before Kate's office door was thrown open.

"You're time here is up, Kate!" There was no doubt to the joy in the man's voice. He'd done the impossible. He'd knocked the Cougar from her position of power. Thanks to the mega sale of CTI months earlier, he'd found an ally just as eager to see the Cougar fall as he was.

"Thanks, Hal. I'll be out by the end of the day." Kate's calm façade seemed to take some of the power from Hal's storm. Kate started to move things around on her desk. She'd already sorted most into piles. Those she'd take with her, those she'd leave behind, and those that would be shredded before she left. Noticing that Hal was still standing here, she gave him an icy glance. "Anything else, Hal?"

"Jackie wanted you to be escorted out by security." He smirked. "But I told her that not even the Cougar had the balls to take anything from the building."

"Thank you for your vote of confidence," she said dryly, not rising to his bait. No, her famous temper was going to be in check today. The decision wasn't her's. And truthfully, with her position and knowledge of the company, it would make better sense for the escort out. But Hal was right. Not about her lack of chutzpah. No, that she had in abundance. It was simply that she was done. No more fighting it. No more trying to regain what was no longer hers. The Cougar was lying down. Kate was going home.

~~~~~~~~~

"I'm not going with you to your mom's."

Kate turned her head slowly to look at her lover, Abigail, somehow not surprised by her definitive statement. "I wish you would reconsider," she said quietly, resuming packing.

"Why, Kate? Do you really think that anything would change if we left L.A.?" Abigail motioned with her hand. "I mean, if we pack this all up and move, aren't we just packing up the same troubles and problems, only to open them somewhere else?"

"That's very astute of you, Abby," Kate replied dryly. "Were you watching Dr. Phil again?"

Crossing her arms over her chest, Abigail glared at Kate. "Make jokes all you'd like. I know it's a defensive mechanism. Nothing that you say will change the fact that I'm not going with you."

"No, it's obvious you've made your decision." The pretense of packing through what appeared to be their breakup was forgotten as Kate stood up to face Abigail.

Both around the same height, the women glared eye to eye, each of them looking for the other to give just a little. Kate saw little of the woman who'd demanded her attention nearly two years ago. Their relationship hadn't been based on an emotional foundation, but rather on the steaming hot sex that they'd produced during their first encounter. Lust can often feel like love. But now, staring at Abigail, Kate knew it had never been about love for the other woman. A piece of Kate's heart broke off as the realization hit her, leaving her all the more vulnerable.

Defeated, Kate squared herself, refusing to let Abby see into her world. "I'll have the lease put in your name tomorrow then."

There was a fleeting sense of relief visible in Abigail's face. "That won't be necessary. I have somewhere else to stay."

This time, Kate didn't try to hide her surprise. "My, you move fast." She gracefully moved forward, closing the distance between them. The heat that seemed to inevitably surface began its enticing dance. Kate saw in Abigail's eyes that she'd felt it too. Two years hadn't cooled it, but Kate didn't feel herself giving into it as she usually did.

Eyes dimming as the lust filled her, Abigail reached for Kate. Kate allowed herself to be pulled into her embrace, but she made no move to return it. "Why can't you just stay here?" Abigail whispered into her ear, the warmth of her mouth sending shivers down Kate's spine. "We could make everything perfect again." Abigail's hands slid up and down Kate's back in a familiar way, leaving Kate longing for ignorance.

"I can't stay here, Abby. I can't." Abigail's hands stopped their movement. Kate gently pulled away, unable to stand feeling what she'd lost long ago. "Go to your lovers. I'll be gone in the morning."

Abigail watched her, tears in her eyes. "I never thought I'd see you run away from anything. You know, the others call you the hunter. You're the one always going after others, always taking people with you or leaving them in your wake. I never thought I'd see you give up and sulk away."

Shaking her head, Kate smiled sadly. "Sometimes there are wounds too deep to be healed. And sometimes we all need to find refuge."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hours after Abby had gathered the few things in their shared apartment that actually belonged to her, Kate sat in the silence of her home. When had it all gone wrong? Kate believed firmly in creating her own destiny, yet she couldn't put her finger on when she'd taken the turn that had led her to the road she found herself on now. Everyone has defining moments, moments where the decision you make will forever change the direction of your life. When had she made that kind of decision?

Looking around her, Kate felt a weary smile tug at her lips. She'd loved the apartment from the first time she'd seen it, almost ten years before. It had just barely been affordable then, but she'd made the sacrifices necessary and had gotten the apartment, determined to one day be worthy of it. More recently people asked her why she hadn't moved on to something bigger, something more fitting of her station. She would only shake her head and give them a memorable smile and say, "because it's home."

"Not anymore," she said a loud to the empty apartment, sadness vying for attention along with the other emotions that threatened to overwhelm her. Most of her belongings were packed up, ready to be taken to the storage unit she'd rented. Those items that she wanted to take with her were packed in only two suitcases, more than she'd had when she'd arrived.

Walking around one last time, she allowed herself to grieve for her home, but she also allowing herself some closure to this place that so represented her own history. She gently petted the walls, silently saying goodbye as she did.

When she lay down for the last time in a bed that had seen her with many woman, but few repeats, she closed her eyes, thinking that the next day would be easier. And the one after that even easier, and so on. Kate was looking forward to easier. Without a doubt.

Chapter Two

Life is much slower in the Midwestern states. It was like the United States is a giant candle, lit and burning at both ends. On either coast you had hubs of trend setters, the up and coming, the new and improved. Those ideas and concepts slowly faded outward to the middle of the country, like wax slowly being warmed and melted. Eventually touching the people there, subtly changing every day lives, but without the fast pace and electrically startling style of the coasts.

Even still, here and there you had small areas where things rarely changed, and the people liked it that way. On the surface, these small towns and boroughs were almost frightening in their seeming simplicity and innocence. But often, below that were complex relationships of tradition, longevity, and power.

Kate had grown up in a small town just like that, where neighbors still talked and people still left doors unlocked. Having been just 18 when she left, she hadn't seen what was below the surface of her small town. She felt has if she'd been born jaded, born to see the flaws in everything around her, and yet she'd been blind, as most young are, to what was right in front of her.

She seemed to know instinctively for as long as she could remember that life wasn't about being happy, but about power and money. Early in life Kate had value of being the best, or at least better than those around her, and she'd done whatever it took to achieve just that.

Yet, here she was, twenty years after leaving the town that never changed, never aged, returning with her proverbial tail between her legs, looking for asylum.

Jackson, Population 1906 the sign following the welcome sign read. Kate was surprised that the population had actually risen since she'd left. A whole fifty more people. She shook her head, forcing herself to laugh. Was she doing the right thing by coming here?

She could have just booked a flight to any remote destination in the world and have taken cover among strangers rather than returning to a place that remembered her, and not fondly. But when it had all begun to unravel, quickly becoming a mess, her only thought had been of returning home to Jackson. And she'd never questioned that till now.

The house she'd grown up in, like much of the town, had not changed. Most of the houses were built around 1900, each one with its own unique characteristics. Very much unlike the new, modern housing developments being put up around the country, Jackson's houses and their accompanying plots were less organized and more random. There was something more relaxing in that haphazard way, something Kate had never appreciated before.

Down the quiet street she'd grown up on was Jackson Glacier Park, the real reason that the small town of Jackson could be found on any map. The park encompassed where glaciers, during the ice age, had carved out the land, creating various levels of relief in its wake. The park was mainly just trees, but there was a fantastic walking path and a bike path, both of which wound through the trees.

Stopping her maroon colored Lexis in front of a house that was both familiar and alien, Kate took deep breaths to center herself before getting out of the car.

"Mom?" Kate opened the unlocked front door. Smells of her childhood, of things long forgotten, rushed at her, leaving her dizzy and giddy all at once.

"Katie?" Her mother's voice reached her before she actually came into view. "Katie!" Quickly reaching her daughter, Elaine Watson took her child into her arms, holding her tightly. "Oh, Katie! I thought you weren't coming till tomorrow!"

"I can turn around and come back tomorrow if you want?" Kate couldn't help but smile, pleased that her mother seemed to be happy to see her.

Lightly slapping her daughter's arm, Elaine smiled back. "Don't be silly! I'm just glad you're here!" She couldn't stop herself from reaching out and picking at Kate's disheveled clothing, love obvious in each and every gesture. "Is your friend outside?" She tried to look passed her taller daughter, but didn't see anyone.

"Abigail didn't come with me." Betraying no emotion in her voice, Kate didn't meet her mother's searching eyes.

"Is she coming later?"

"No, mom. She's not coming at all." The words came out harsher than she'd intended them to. She forced a smile, taking her mother's hands in hers. "Guess you'll have to put with only me."

But her mother wasn't fooled. With a gentle touch she patted her cheek. "I'm glad you're here, Katie Ann." There was a deep sincerity in her voice that made a lump form in Kate's throat.

"Me too."

Chapter Three

Wisconsin in late March, early April went through a deep thaw. Everything was usually wet or moist as the snow that had lain on the ground since late fall finally succumbed to the sun's warmth and melted. Fields that had been ice patches slowly broke up and became fields again, leaving the ground spongy as it tried to absorb the mounting water. Everyone hoped that the melting snow would provide enough run-off to counter the hot, humid summer, preventing droughts that would threaten vital crops and manicured lawns.

Snow mobiles were put away and snow removal equipment was taken off trucks that had cleared driveways. Cars no longer needed to be plugged in at night to insure their starting in the morning. Slowly people put away their winter gear, never completely trusting that mother-nature wouldn't dump a last minute blizzard on them.

Kate hadn't forgotten the rituals of spring, but having been in California for so long, she had forgotten that spring was a season of planting and weeding. Her mother had already purchased trays of new flowers, ready to be put into the flower beds in the back yard. They sat in the small garage off the side of the house, patiently waiting until the perfect day came along for planting.

Kate had only been at her mother's house when a beautiful, rare, warm day came along. Looking out the window over the kitchen sink, she saw that it was a beautiful morning, and decided that she was going to try some gardening to pass the time. Her mother's annuals were already starting to come up, but with each plant that broke the ground, at least a dozen weeds came as well. Maybe communing with nature would somehow calm the beast that seemed to constantly be pacing through her. She'd heard that there was something peaceful in gardening, working with earth. She was willing to give it a try.

She decided right off that she hated weeds. They seemed to taunt her from their positions right next to the plants. They sometimes intertwined with the plant, like a lover in bed. But just when their lover was climaxing, they choked the life out of them. It reminded Kate of the movie Basic Instinct. She frowned at the dirt that had gotten beneath her short, manicured nails. "Where's Sharon Stone when you need her?"

"You should try using gloves." The voice was undoubtedly sultry, but it didn't sound at all like Sharon Stone. Kate turned around, startled. There was a young woman standing at the gate leading into the fenced in back yard. "Hi, Kate. You're mom told me you were coming back."

The woman looked familiar. Her hair was a light brown with golden highlights which the sun seemed to hit perfectly. Freckles were sprinkled over her fair face, her blue eyes startling wide and clear. Kate felt something clench deep in her stomach. "Uh, hello."

"You don't remember me, do you?" The woman smiled at her, her mouth wide and her lips curved sensually.

"I don't think that anyone could forget you," Kate purred without thinking, reverting automatically to a flirtatious response, but there was more than a little truth in what she said.

The woman looked taken aback for a second, the smile slipping from her face, and a soft pink blush creeping across her cheeks. "Well, it would seem that you have," she said gently, an echo of her previous smile returning.

"I'm sorry," and she was sorry, both for her comment and for not remembering someone that she should. She had a sneaking suspicion that there were quiet a few people in town whom she wouldn't remember, but as a former lover at once told her, she tended to be unforgettable.

"It's okay. It's been awhile and we were never close or anything. I'm Laura." Laura stretched out a hand as she introduced herself.

"Laura Kingston," Kate replied, remembering suddenly. "We used to play when we were kids," she said somewhat hesitantly as the memory came to the forefront of her mind. Like a computer, she needed some reference in order to search for the right file. "You live next door." She reached out to shake Laura's hand, unable to stop her gaze from wandering up and down the woman's lean frame. "You look a lot different from when we were kids eating mud pies."

The laugh that issued from Laura's mouth shivered up and down Kate's spine. That, combined with the intoxicating nearness of Laura herself and the press of her soft hand in Kate's nearly caused her to stumble. The visceral reaction to the other woman was not something that Kate had ever experienced before. Her knees were shaking.

"Are you okay?" Laura had noticed that Kate had gotten pale and that she seemed to be wobbly. She put an arm around Kate's waist to steady her.

Feeling uncharacteristically ashamed of her sudden weakness, Kate took a deep breath and grounded herself. "Sorry, must be too much sun." Realizing that Laura's arm was around her, she stepped back, careful not to trip herself. She forced a smile, but inside she felt completely dismantled. "I guess I should be going inside," she said abruptly.

"Oh, sure." A confused look crossed Laura's face, but she didn't say anything. Something had happened, but she couldn't fathom what. "Do you need help getting in?"

Embarrassed by the concern and feeling silly, Kate shook her head. "No, thank you. I'll be fine."

Laura looked as if she was going to say something, then she stopped herself. She smiled awkwardly. "I guess I'll see you around then."

"Sure." Kate replied, wishing that she could run far, far away and never feel out of control like that again. With a smile, Kate walked steadily, but carefully into the house, never looking back. If she had, she would have seen the confusion on Laura's face that mirrored the confusion in her own body.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Laura watched as Kate left, her own reaction one of joy and anxiety. While Kate hadn't remembered her, there had been seldom a day in which Laura hadn't thought about Kate at one time or another. Kate had been her childhood hero growing up. The older girl had been fearless, never letting anything stop her from getting what she wanted. When Laura had hit puberty her feelings had changed to something more than just hero worship. What some would call a crush, Laura never dismissed her feelings so easily. No, in truth, she'd been in love with Kate growing up and, she now knew just from that one shared moment, she still was.

Chapter Four

The days dragged by slowly for Kate. She found herself feeling bored, not having anything really to do. Her mother tried to encourage her to go with her to the various community meetings she went to, but somehow Kate just couldn't rally enough enthusiasm to listen to the minutes from the last Jackson Library Association meeting, much less sit through a whole new meeting. She was grateful that her mother was so involved, however.

One day Kate woke up to find her mother sitting at a sharp, new looking desk top computer that she hadn't realized was on the desk in the den. Her mother wore her reading classes and was sitting close to the monitor, her fingers virtually flying over the keyboard.

"When you'd get a computer, mom?" She drew closer, realizing from the new text that kept popping up on the screen that her mother was in some kind of chat room.

"When Betsy Manor told me that there was a whole world on the computer that was just waiting to be used!" Elaine didn't even stop her typing as she spoke.

"Who're you chatting with?" Kate couldn't help her curiosity.

"It's my P-FLAG group, dear."

Kate stared at her mother, shocked. "Your-your what?"

"P-FLAG. Paren-"

"I know what P-FLAG is, mom. I just never knew that..." She wasn't sure how to finish the sentence. She was partly embarrassed, partly amused.

"Everyone in my group has said that I have to let you tell me in your own time," Elaine said matter-of-factly, looking over the top of her reading classes at Kate for a brief moment before firing off a reply.

Kate took a deep breath, sensing for once just how lucky she was. She'd never spoken to either of her parents about being gay. After being outed in front of the entire town, school, and nearby population, she didn't know what to say to them. She left almost immediately after anyway, never stopping to think about how her parents would deal with the fall-out. "I...I didn't know what to say, mom, I'm sorry."

"You don't need to apologize, Katie. I joined this group because I wanted to understand you more, not because I needed you to tell me anything." Elaine continued typing, clearly more at ease than Kate. "There's a grocery list by the phone in the kitchen. Would you mind going to the store for me?"

"Of course not." Kate replied immediately, glad that her mother had changed the subject.

"There's money in my purse-"

"Don't worry about it, I've got it." Her savings could handle a trip to the grocery.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The small store was still laid out the same way it had been when Kate was younger. But the color scheme had changed, new signs blaring out sales and new products in harsh, neon colors. Grabbing a cart, Kate quickly familiarized herself with the list, mentally adding some things that she wanted, then began shopping.

As she went up and down the aisles, Kate quickly began to realize that people were staring at her. She recognized a few faces, but couldn't place their names. None of them would look her in the eye, so she just kept on shopping. It felt as though the noise level in the store had dropped since she'd entered, everyone waiting to see what she'd do. One older lady she passed had whispered loudly to another woman standing next to her, and Kate distinctly heard the world homosexual uttered.

When she got to the meat department she felt like she was ready to scream. "Don't let them see you angry, else you'll just give them more to talk about," someone said from behind her. She whirled around, only to see the now familiar face of Laura Kingston standing behind her. She felt the tension easy in her just a bit.

"I had hoped they'd have forgotten by now," Kate said, her clenched teeth causing her jaw to ache.

"I'm sure they had until they saw you again." Laura assured her, pulling her cart next to Kate's.

"I'm surprised they even recognize me."

"This is Wisconsin, Kate, not the artic. We get newspapers and magazines here too, you know. Everyone in town knows about your position at California Technology, Incorporate." Laura leaned closer, as if sharing a secret, and Kate picked up the gentle scent of clean that seemed to emanate from the other woman. "And you want to know something else? When they aren't pretending to still be shocked that you're gay, they actually seem to be proud of you." She straightened up and Kate's eyes followed her every movement. "You are homegrown, after all."

Kate instantly saw herself as a plant in soil, just waiting to be plucked. It was so ridicules, that after a moment she relaxed and began to laugh, Laura laughing with her. "Would you like to have lunch with me, Laura Kingston?"

"I would be delighted, Ms. Cougar. Or is it just Cougar?"

Kate winced. "Just Kate is fine."

"Then I would be delighted, Just Kate." Laura's shit eating grin was too much, and Kate felt herself laughing again.

Chapter Five

Laura had seen Kate in the store as soon as she'd entered. She'd watched discreetly as the other woman quietly shopped, both of them noticing the reaction around them. Laura was all too familiar with how their small town worked, having left her own marks on Jackson and its population. She knew that if Kate allowed people to rouse her to response, then it would take even longer for the attention to die down. Despite her own nerves regarding the other woman, Laura had approached her. She was glad she'd been able to get the other woman to relax, but the lunch invitation had been something totally unexpected.

Now she was sitting across from Kate, trying to keep her nervousness under control as they perused the menus. Kate had insisted on driving to a slightly bigger town which would offer more selection, but Laura knew that Kate had just wanted to get away from the carefully watching eyes. While Wisconsin left things like dinners to the east coast, it did have its share of family restaurants which offered a lunch alternative to fast food.

"Do you two know what you want?" A youngish woman asked them, pen poised over her order pad.

They took turns ordering and then handed the waitress their menus. When she left, silence fell over the table, neither knowing what to say. Kate had to force herself not to look up and just take in the woman sitting across from her. Her memories of Laura Kingston were those of a child, but Laura was no long a child, and neither was she. Something about Laura truly intrigued her, making her want to know more about her. Maybe she could use a friend.

"Are you married, Laura?" Kate finally asked, figuring it was a safe question.

"No, are you?" The side of Laura's mouth lifted in a quirky smile that Kate was already beginning to recognize it. It had come to her at the oddest moments after that day in the garden.

"I'm not involved, if that's what you mean."

"Pretty much. Thank you," Laura said, looking up at the waitress as she delivered their drinks. Kate saw the subtle strength in Laura's jaw. There was a faint scar above Laura's eyebrow, making the woman seem all the more mysterious. When the waitress had once again left, Laura looked at Kate, arching an eyebrow. "I have a daughter, she's ten." A shadow passed over Laura's face when she mentioned her daughter, her blue eyes seemed to cloud suddenly. But just as quick as it had come, it left.

"I don't even have a pet." Kate shrugged, taking a sip of her ice water. She felt as though she were foundering for conversation, something she wasn't used to. Laughing softly, Kate shook her head.

"What?" Laura asked curiously, tipping her head to one side in question.

"I just don't know what to talk about. I...I'm not used to casual conversations that don't involve work."

"Guess you're going to have to work on that."

It was Kate's turn to quirk an eyebrow at Laura's sauciness. "Does the whole town know why I'm home too?" She tried to keep the bitterness out of her voice, but didn't succeed.

Laura covered one of Kate's hands with her own. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring up something so unpleasant."

Kate tried not to stare at Laura's hand on her own, not wanting the woman to know just how uncomfortable the touch made her, and yet not wanting her to remove her hand. "This is...it's all new to me, I guess." Her hand felt hot, the heat slowly creeping up her arm, making her feel as though Laura's touch was going to burn her. Thankfully, Laura removed her hand before the burn started, but as soon as she did, Kate felt cold.

"Which part?" Laura asked softly, wanting desperately to keep her hand on Kate's, wanting to take the other woman's hand in her own.

Thinking about Laura's question, Kate grimaced. "Losing my job, coming back to Jackson." She almost added being alone, but she knew that wasn't true. Just because she had been with Abby hadn't meant she hadn't been alone. She knew what it was to be alone and there was some kind of reassurance in the solidarity she seemed to surround herself with.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Laura asked, her voice still quiet, yet supportive in its steadiness.

Kate looked into her serious blue eyes and felt something strange move through her. It was a sense of longing. She dismissed it as a desire to make friends since she felt so alien in Jackson. "Not now," she relied quietly. "Maybe another time."

With a warm smile, Laura's face seemed to brighten by some kind of inner light. "Well, you know where to find me. I'm right next door."

They smiled at each other as the waitress delivered their food. By the end of the meal, Kate felt as though she'd made a real friend. Someone who didn't want anything more from her than time. That was definitely a new concept for her. If she'd examined her feelings more deeply, she would have found a small bubble of something that she wouldn't have recognized. It was a bud that had been waiting a long time to bloom, a bud that had found refuge deep in Kate's subconscious years ago. And after the lunch with Laura the bud had begun to slowly open.

Chapter Six

That night, Kate tried to slyly question her mother about Laura. She had vague memories of the girl that had lived next door. In her mind she saw a short, skinny, freckled girl with glasses, nothing like the woman she'd had lunch with.

"Do the Kingstons still live next door, mom?" Pretending to glance through a magazine, Kate approached the subject.

"Well, Laura does. Do you remember Laura? She's only a few years younger than you." Elaine smiled fondly. "The two of you used to play when you were in diapers."

"Actually, I had lunch with her today," Kate said casually as she continued to flip through the magazine, feigning indifference. "I vaguely remember Laura. I don't think we ran in the same circles."

Elaine laughed, much to her daughter's chagrin. "Honey, no one ran in your circles. You ran circles around everyone else, if I recall correctly."

Scowling at her mother just made her laugh harder, so Kate huffed and tried to change the subject back. "Does she live with her parents?"

This made Elaine sober quickly. "I guess you wouldn't know. Her parents died about two years back in a car crash. Laura came back and moved into the house after the funeral." She shook her head slowly. "It was so sad to lose both of them all at once. I'm afraid Laura's had a hard life."

Kate, who'd been watching her mother carefully as she spoke, saw the sadness in her mother's faintly lined face. Time had been kind to Elaine, leaving only traces of its passing in her face. Kate hoped she's inherited her mother's ability to age gracefully, but she had a feeling that stress would ravage her face long before time had a chance.

"What happened to her?" Kate put the magazine down, all pretenses gone.

"I guess I should tell you before you find out from someone else," Elaine finally said. Kate almost pointed out that she didn't talk to anyone else, but didn't. "Must have been after you left town. It was definitely the reason that she left town." She seemed to kind of fade off as she spoke, as if she were remembering something in her mind's eye. "About 10 years ago, she was living here in town with her parents. She'd graduated from the University of Chicago and was engaged to Todd Mackey. Do you remember Todd Mackey?"

Kate nodded that she did. His father owned the hardware store in town and Todd had always thought that had made him hot shit. She was having some difficulty seeing Todd Mackey with the woman she'd met earlier.

"Laura was working at some office job a few towns away. One night she didn't come home from work. Finally, she came home early that morning, pretty badly beaten up. She said that she'd been attacked by a stranger as she got into her car after work, but most of us knew it was probably Todd. He'd gotten into a mess of trouble already over some rape charges a few years before." Elaine shrugged.

"Bill, Laura's father, confronted him and Todd acted like he didn't even know Laura, even though they were engaged. Said that she'd probably been sleeping with someone else and had gotten herself into trouble. Well, ended up that Laura was pregnant. Todd publicly denied that the child was his and said there was no way he was going to take care of someone else's brat." Sighing, Elaine looked at her daughter. "All those reasons that you hate this town were all the reasons that Laura left. Most people believed Laura and defended her, but those who didn't were pretty mean. I think she left because she just couldn't stay."

"But she came back," Kate's voice was low, her being filled with anger and disgust. This town, her hometown, seemed to bring out the worst in everyone. It was like there was something black and dirty at the heart of the town that seeped into everyone that touched them, leaving no one safe. "How can people be so hurtful?" But she knew better than anyone how people could be.

Elaine began to see something in her daughter that she hadn't seen since she came back. Spirit. There was fire in Kate's eyes as she stared off into the past, remembering her own pain associated with Jackson. And for a brief moment, Elaine wanted more than anything for her daughter to regain what she'd lost so long ago. Her innocence.

"Why do you think she came back?" Kate wasn't sure if she were asking her mother, or if she were asking herself.

"Todd went to jail a few years back. He finally messed with someone who had more power than he did." Taking a drink, Elaine mused for a moment. "I think that Laura came back here for the same reason you did,. It's home."

Kate knew her mother's answer was right. As much as she'd wanted to deny it, there were ties to this small town that she couldn't fight.

Chapter Seven

Tara Heston looked up when the bell attached to the store's font door tinkled. Her eyes narrowed at the tall woman who came through the door. The woman looked familiar, but Tara couldn't place the younger woman. "Hello," she said cheerfully. "Can I help you?"

The woman looked at her warily, her dark eyes narrowing only slightly. "I think I'll just look around," she replied carefully, satisfied when the woman bent her head over the paperwork in front of her, ignoring Kate. Something had pulled Kate to the hardware store, but she wasn't sure why. The story her mother had told her about Laura and Todd Mackey had made her more and more curious about the woman next door. The hardware store, owned by James Mackey, Todd's father, seemed a good enough place to start.

The aisles were filled with various tools and parts, most of which Kate couldn't figure out. She knew many lesbians who would be disappointed with her lack of interest in tools, but she wasn't one to feign interest just to please those around her.

The bells on the front door tinkled again as Kate perused the store.

"Hello Tara," a weary voice came from the front of the store.

"Hello Mr. Mackey," Tara replied cheerily. Kate wondered if she ever got tired of being cheery. It had to get old eventually. "Did the meeting with the Mayor go well?"

"Not as good as I had hoped."

"I'm sorry to hear that, sir."

Kate moved so that she could see the older man who'd come in as he slowly made his way to the back of the store. His shoulders were bent as though life's burden had permanently bent him forward. He was nothing like the man that Kate had remembered. That man had stood tall and proud, his monetary claim over the town of Jackson firm and seldom forgotten.

"I'll be in my office going over yesterday's invoices if you need anything, Tara." The man shuffled passed the aisle that Kate was in. He looked at her, and Kate was surprised by the sadness in the man's eyes. He only hesitated a moment before continuing his trek to his office.

Kate shook her head, seeing that time had not been kind to James Mackey. She continued to browse the store, ending with the section that was devoted to art supplies. The hardware store and the high school had always had a system where the hardware stocked the items that the art students would need for class and the high school always made sure the students went to the hardware stores to buy their supplies. She surprised herself by grabbing a few medium sized canvases and some oil paint supplies. Having a lot of time on her hands, Kate knew she'd need something to keep her busy until she made a decision as to what to do with the rest of her life. Maybe it was time to revisit some old hobbies.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jackson was like many small towns. It had a main thoroughfare which was the center of commerce. Banks, the florist, a real estate office, the hardware store, and other small mom and pop type stores filled the street. After storing her purchases in the back of the Lexis, Kate decided to walk the street.

She hadn't gotten far when she heard a sharp gasp from behind her. Grinding her teeth, Kate whirled around, ready to confront who ever had decided to take issue with her return to town.

Her reply was instantly halted before it reached her mouth. Hands that had been clenched at her side went slack and she could only stare at the woman who was staring back at her.

"Kate?" The woman whispered.

"Sara?" Kate asked, her own voice decidedly huskier than usual. The last person she'd ever thought she'd run into was Sara. Sara looked older, her face having aged, but her eyes were still the same clear green that Kate remembered. She instantly had a vision of Sara's eyes just before they would make love, how the green would become so vibrant and alive that Kate would drown in them, losing herself to the power of their love-making. Her dark blonde hair also held memories for Kate as she remembered the countless times she'd buried her face in Sara's soft, thick hair. The memories of Sara and the woman herself, standing before her, were mixing without Kate's consent, creating the dizzying sensation of an out-of-control spiral.

"I didn't know...no one told me..." Sara seemed just as disconcerted as Kate felt. Her hand trembled as she held it over her mouth, as if trying to stop whatever wanted to come out.

"I didn't know you still lived here." Kate couldn't wrap her own mind around what was happening.

"I don't. Or, I didn't. I just moved back last year. I was in New York." Sara seemed to regain some of her control as she gave a hesitant smile. "You've hardly changed." She allowed her own eyes to wander over Kate, taking in the dark, wavy hair, her deep brown eyes, the way her skin stretched over her cheekbones and the strong, almost masculine jaw. There were light lines around Kate's eyes and mouth, but if anything, they only made the woman more attractive. Kate's wide shoulders still looked strong and yet, Sara knew from experience, that beyond the strength there was a suppleness to Kate's body.

Kate saw Sara's eyes begin to glow in a familiar way and she couldn't stop the involuntary response her body had. The clenching deep in her abdomen burned intensely. "This is...I don't...Sara, I don't know what to say." There was nothing but the truth of the awkwardness of the moment.

Sara smiled again. "I don't either. I never...well, that's not true, I have...I mean, I never envisioned this moment...like this."

Kate hadn't envisioned meeting Sara again, ever. She had tried for the past twenty years to put Sara behind her, to take away all the pain so that she'd find some freedom from the ache Sara's memory always evoked.

A chirping from the purse Sara carried made them both tense for a moment. Reaching into her purse, Sara pulled out a compact phone. "Hello?" She paused for a moment, a private smile forming on her lips. "Yes, honey. I'll be home in a few minutes and then we can discuss it further, okay?" She paused again, her eyes looking upward. "You can wait till I get home. It'll only be a few minutes. I love you." She pushed the end button then looked at Kate. "I have to get going, I'm sorry."

Kate wanted to ask if it was her husband on the phone, but she bit the inside of her mouth, nodding.

"My daughter wants to go to her first dance. I don't think that's the kind of thing we should discuss over the phone." She held up the instrument in question.

"Probably not."

"I came back to Jackson last year after my divorce. I wanted my daughter to be raised here, not in the middle of the city." The justification seemed automatic to Kate, as though Sara had had to explain her decision many times before. "Kate," she said suddenly, moving a step closer, narrowing the safe distance between them. "I'd like to see you again. To...talk."

"Okay. I'm at my mom's."

The smile on Sara's face used to make Kate melt when they'd been teenagers. Now it just made Kate wish for something long gone.

Chapter Eight

"Promise me we'll leave together, Sara. Promise me." Kate watched her best friend and lover closely, wanting to make sure that they'd always be together. She couldn't imagine her life without Sara. Just the thought of it was more pain than she could bear.

"I promise, Kate, I promise." Sara's eyes still glowed a fiery green after their lovemaking. Her naked body was snuggled into Kate's, their bodies always feeling like they were meant to be together, forming one body that encased both their essences. "I won't ever leave you, Kate, never." She buried her face between Kate's breasts, sighing happily.

The dream had returned. Kate hadn't had them in over fifteen years. It was those first years of college, when she was most broken and alone, that Kate had dreamed of that moment when she had thought everything in the world was perfect. She'd had Sara's love, she'd had their future, and it had all been perfect.

Quick Spring days passed after Kate had run into Sara. She tried to spend each day without thinking about Sara, and most of the time she succeeded. It was always night, in her dreams, that her mind betrayed her, showing her the last moment her heart had felt whole.

Each morning she would awaken with the bittersweet knowledge that it was all gone. Seeing Sara had only proven that. Her feelings for Sara weren't the same. Time and life had changed her innocent, complete love into something that was only dead for her. Love and trust, both out of reach for Kate now. And that, somehow, made Kate all the more sad.

She wished there was someone she could talk to. When she'd been a teenager she'd had only a handful of friends to whom she would confide, and none of them knew about her relationship with Sara. After leaving Jackson, Kate had only ever talked to one of them. She'd run into Jack Shaw just once, during her first year at Berkley. He'd tracked her down and had asked her to marry him.

Even now she regretted her reaction. She'd laughed at him, unable to believe that he knew about Sara and still thought she'd marry him. It had just been too surreal and too much for her brain to process.

Then there was something else that was playing through Kate's mind, as much as she tried to avoid it. Laura. The next door neighbor. How cliché was that? She knew she was being ridicules, but she really wanted to be friends with Laura. There was something she couldn't put her finger on, something that made it important for her to become friends with Laura.

She hadn't seen her since the afternoon they'd had lunch. But she'd wanted to. Sighing, Kate plugged in her laptop, both to the wall socket and to the telephone line. One email in particular made her smile.

Subject: New Life!
Date:5/08/2003 3:54PM Central Time
To: TheCougar@msn.com
From: lesbianwetdream@hotmail.com

How is your "new" life? Things here are the same. Everyone's sleeping with everyone else and pretending they aren't. I think I even slept with someone that I'd already slept with, but I can't be sure cause she got a new haircut. Maybe I should start a new life since I seem to just be caught in a vicious cycle of recycling lovers.

Listen pal, I don't know if you want to hear news about YOU KNOW WHO or not. She's part of the scene, but I can leave her out of the gossip if you want. I know you don't think of yourself as the sensitive type, but I know better. I am older than you, remember?

Take care of yourself, cougar.

Lot 'o love and other unspeakable things,

Emma

Kate couldn't help but grin at her laptop's screen as she read her friend's email. Emma was one of those people that Kate normally didn't like. She was loud, obnoxious, a chain-smoker, and a blatant womanizer. And yet, when they first met they had hit it off right away. To Kate's knowledge, she was the only lesbian that Emma hadn't ever hit on. She'd acknowledged immediately that Kate would make a better friend then ex lover, and somehow, in a world made up of what you see not being what you get, they'd forged a lasting friendship.

Sitting sideways in one of the arm chairs in the living room, Kate began her reply, unconsciously filling it with up beat thoughts. She wasn't about to even let her best friend know that in her deepest of deep thoughts she felt useless. But that was only for her to know, and only when she was willing to admit it to herself. She knew that Emma had been referring to Abigail, but that was a part of Kate's life that she felt no need to revisit. They'd both been what the other needed at the time, and she was not surprised that Abby had moved on. Now, if only Kate could find her footing to move forward in her own life.

A knock at the front door startled Kate as she typed. Putting the computer on the floor, she lifted herself up and answered the door.

It was hard to say who was more startled - Kate, upon seeing Laura at the door, or Laura, seeing Kate answering the door.

"Uh, hi," Laura said, unable to stop herself from staring. Kate's dark, longish hair was loose and tousled around her face, framing the sharp angles there perfectly. Dark eyes that had haunted Laura's teen years stared back at her, leaving her breathless in memories and feelings that she had thought long gone.

"Hi," Kate replied, her voice seeming to fall below its normal range as a visceral sensation rose within her.

The sound of Kate's voice jolted Laura from her momentary free-fall. "Sorry, I wanted to see if your mother needed anything from the mall. I was going, so I thought I'd check."

"She's not here. She's at one of her committee meetings." For some reason, this made Laura smile warmly. "What?" Kate asked, suspiciously.

"Oh, nothing!" The smile remained on Laura's face. "It's just that your mother is so giving of her time. I love that about her."

"Uh, yeah," Kate replied. In truth, she hadn't thought about it one way or the other. Her mother was retired, never really having had a profession. Kate just thought that was what women her age did. Maybe she'd have to reconsider her ideas on that.

"I guess I should be going then," Laura said, wishing she had a reason to stay and talk to the darkly beautiful woman. Then an idea came and before she could think it though, she blurted it out. "Unless you'd like to come with me?"

Kate blinked at her, surprise evident in her expression. Laura felt something fill her at this unguarded, unexpected reaction from the other woman. After a moment that seemed to hang suspended in the air for a lifetime, Laura saw that Kate was looking for a response. "Listen, it's okay if you don't want to go. I just thought-"

"No!" Kate rushed to say, realizing that Laura thought she didn't want to go with her. "Sorry, I just..." Her voice seemed to lose power as she realized that it had been a long time since anyone had just invited her anywhere casually. "I'd love to go with you," she finally came up, not able to explain herself to either of them.

"Great!" Laura fidgeted for a moment, feeling for all the world like she was a teenager, instead of being a thirty-something woman with a child of her own.

"Can you give me a few minutes to go upstairs and get changed?" Kate gestured to her casual clothing. Laura almost told her that she looked great just the way she was, but managed somehow to keep her mouth shut, only nodding in response. "Okay, I'll just a few minutes then, make yourself at home."

It took Kate almost 15 minutes to get ready. When she got upstairs, she couldn't decide what to wear to the mall. She hadn't really been to many malls and didn't know what acceptable mall attire was. Finally, she selected a pair of black Dolce & Gabbana slacks and a loose white blouse. Simple seemed to be a reasonable way to go. Slim, black shoes with just a slight heal completed the look. Her hair refused to sit still, so she just let it go.

When she came back down the stairs, Laura was sitting in the same arm chair that Kate had been in earlier, reading through a magazine. Half way down the stairs, when Kate could finally see Laura sitting there, she stopped. Standing there quietly, she watched the younger woman, appreciating the simple softness of her. Laura radiated a healthiness that came from within. Remembering everything that her mother had shared with her, Kate wondered how someone who'd had such a hard life could project that kind of inner glow. She felt that her own glow had faded long ago, leaving her feeling empty sometimes, like nothing could really touch her deep enough to elicit feeling. It was a coldness that scared her late a night and made her wonder what kind of a human being she'd become.

Unable to break the moment she had to stare unobserved, Kate let her eyes trace the gentle curves of Laura's face, taking in the scar just about her left eyebrow and the fact that her nose looked a little crooked. Just looking at Laura filled her with something she was afraid to think about. And here she was going to the mall with her!

Something made Laura look up finally. Their eyes met and it was as if the entire world vanished from around them, leaving them in a space where all they could see was each other.

Laura rose from the chair, her mouth slack as she took in the sight of the other woman. Her clothes were sexy, but casual and Laura was dying for an instant to rip them off her. She forced herself to take a deep breath and close her eyes, hoping that the world would go back to some semblance of order once she opened them again.

Kate stumbled down the rest of the stairs, barely keeping her balance. She felt as if she was going to pass out, but was determined not to fall on her ass. Grabbing the end of the banister, she righted herself and rested against it for a moment until the lightheadedness passed.

"Ready to go?" Laura said light, trying to dispel the whirlwind of feelings shooting through her body. She wasn't sure if she was regretting asking the other woman to the mall or not. How could something as simple as the mall turn into something so completely complicated?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The closest mall to Jackson was in Janesville, which was almost a twenty minute drive. The mall was small, yet was crowded when Kate and Laura arrived.

"Do you come here a lot?" Kate asked as she tried to keep up with Laura's expert maneuvering through the mall crowd.

Laura laughed, once again sending pleasant little tingles through Kate. She told herself that she needed to do something about that. She was finding that she enjoyed Laura's company, but it could get complicated if she continued to have these physical reactions when she was near her. Normally, Kate wouldn't have hesitated to react to her feelings. She knew that she was attracted to Laura. She'd known that the first time she'd seen her in the backyard. But there was something that made her not want to hunt Laura.

"This is the best place to shop, especially if you have kids," Laura replied. "It's not usually this crowded, but, as you can see," she gestured to the racks and tables of merchandise that was sitting outside the stores, "this week they're having their sidewalk sales."

"Sidewalk sales?" Kate looked around her, confused. "But there aren't any sidewalks?" Her head was spinning. In addition to the confusing, but obvious effects Laura had on her, she was also dealing with the new experience called the mall.

"When was the last time you were at a mall, Kate?" There was a playful smile on Laura's lips as she turned to study the other woman.

"Umm..what year is it?"

"Don't they have malls in L.A.?"

"I'm sure they do, but I never really went there." Unreasonably, her answer embarrassed her, as if she should have made the trek to the mall just to stay humble.

"Where did you shop?"

"Well, for the last 10 years or so, I didn't really. I ordered things through catalogues and lately, over the internet. If I did shop, it was one boutique or another." Kate shrugged. "It wasn't really a priority, I guess." She didn't bring up the calls to personal shoppers she used to make because she couldn't take time to go out and buy gifts herself. She had a feeling that Laura wouldn't understand that.

Laura looked at Kate, seeing more than just her beauty and appeal. The woman was dressed perfectly, her clothing fitting her as if they were made for her. And Laura realized that they probably had been. It only served to remind Laura that even though they were both raised in Jackson, and they both lived there now, in truth, they came from completely different worlds.

Looking at her watch, Laura decided to analyze later. "I need to get Caitlin a new pair of sneakers. Do you want to get something to eat after that?"

"Yes, that would be nice," Kate replied, her stomach flip flopping. Eating meant a chance to talk.

"Is there anything you need to get?"

Kate looked around at the selection of stores and what they had in their windows. "I don't think so," she finally said, a skeptical look on her face. She wasn't sure if she could ever get used to something like shopping at the mall.

Watching the older woman's face, Laura began to laugh.

"What?" Kate asked defensively, which only caused Laura to laugh harder.

"Nothing, nothing at all!"

"Umph," Kate replied, defying her inner urge to cross her arms over her chest and pout.

"Come on, in here." Laura veered into a store, leaving Kate to follow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Caitlin's your daughter?" Kate asked as they ate their lunch. Laura had needed to explain the food court to Kate and then they had gone to their respective counters to get what they want for lunch. Meeting back up, Laura had led them to an empty table.

"Yes. She's ten." Laura seemed hesitant to talk about her daughter, and yet there was some underlying pride in her eyes as she did. "I hope she likes the shoes we picked out."

Kate raised an eyebrow. "What self-respecting ten year old wouldn't like florescent pink shoes that not only glow in the dark, but light up when she walks?"

"Well, hello Laura!" One of the masses stopped at their table, greeting Laura. Kate looked up at the slightly overweight woman who was towering over them. The woman a solid wave of blonde hair and wore too much makeup, reminding Kate of Tammy Faye Baker.

Without turning her head, Kate watching Laura's reaction. The other woman didn't look pleased, but rather resigned. "Hello Jean. You remember Kate Watson." Laura gestured at the woman sitting across from her.

Jean turned her shining face to Kate, her look being one of more than just casual interest. "Of course I do. I did hear word that was coming back." There was a bit of something unpleasant in Jean's tone. "I was surprised that you would ever show your...I mean, come back." Her turquoise eyes narrowed at Kate, her displeasure obvious.

"Aren't you going to ask if I'm still queer, Jean?" Kate asked mildly, although the look in her eyes belayed the quiet anger simmering within her.

"I'm surprised you even remember me, Kate." Jean's full body was turned toward Kate now, and she was using the fact that she was standing to her advantage, trying to intimidate her.

"You never forget those that think they're more than what they are."

"And what would that be?" Jean's hands were balled on her hips in a confrontation stance.

"Hometown rednecks, Jean. Just ignorant peons who don't know any better." Kate lifted a fork full of her Chinese food to her mouth, pretending to chew thoughtfully. "Rather sad, isn't it?" She said after she'd swallowed, her voice lowering in a threatening growl.

"How dare you!" Jean huffed. Anyone around them who hadn't been following the conversation turned now at Jean's raised voice.

"You're making a scene, Jean," Laura said dryly.

Jean shifted her body, facing Laura now. "Stay out of this, you slut!" She hissed. Before she could say more, she felt a hand grip her arm tightly. Surprised, she found herself staring into a pair of eyes that conveyed so much anger and hatred that Jean nearly stumbled as she moved back a step.

"You're done here," Kate growled. She'd stood up and grabbed Jean's bulky arm before she'd even had time to think about it. Her reaction had been automatic. "If you want to fight with me, then that's fine. But leave her alone." She began to steer Jean away from Laura and their table.

"Get off of me, you queer bitch!" Jean jerked her arm away from Kate's hold. Straightening her shirt, she glared at them both. "You think I'm the only one who feels this way?" She gave a triumphant laugh before turning to leave.

Kate watched her go, her hands clenching and unclenching as she fought her urge to take a swing at her. Returning to their table, Kate didn't sit back down. "Let's go," she said forcefully, ignoring her uneaten food. Laura just looked at her and nodded her head. Grabbing her purse, she led the way to the entrance they'd entered through and to the car.

Chapter Nine

The car ride home was quiet. Laura kept her eyes on the road, both hands on the wheel. Kate looked straight ahead, but didn't see anything they passed. Her mind was focused on things that she'd spent her life trying to forget. She knew that being gay wasn't easy for anyone, especially when growing up. But that gave her little comfort.

"I'm really sorry, Kate," Laura finally said quietly. She continued looking at the road, but her hands tightened on the wheel, her knuckles slowly turning white.

Laura's words worked to bring Kate back from her own memories. Shifting slightly in her seat, she watched the woman driving, seeing how tense she was. "It wasn't your fault," she replied, her voice just as soft.

"I was her target, not you. Jean...she was...is, I suppose, Todd's friend. Since I've come back she's gone out of her way to make sure that I don't forget what he told people." Laura looked at the road, hoping that Kate didn't look at her. She didn't want her to see the tears filling her eyes.

Something within Kate jumped at the pain in Laura's voice. She wanted to pull the younger woman into her lap, console her, hold her, tell her that no one would hurt her again.

"I understand if...if you're mad at me." Laura seemed to sit straighter, waiting for the verbal slap that didn't come. Finally, she looked at Kate, her eyes shielded.

"Why would you ever think I would be mad at you?" Kate asked incredulously. She heard the words, but she didn't understand them at all.

"Jean wouldn't have said anything to you if you hadn't been with me."

Kate shook her head. "Jean has hated me since we were kids. She would use any excuse to try to make me feel inferior. What happened in there had nothing to do with you."

Laura was silent, her emotions and her thoughts running deeply through her, threatening to spill over. She pulled slowly into her driveway, not wanting the car ride to end, yet desperately wanting to take refuge in her own home. There were times where she only felt safe at home. She turned the car off and took the keys out of the ignition, but she made no move to exit the car.

"You know why I left." The statement was blunt without any soft edges, reminding Laura of Kate herself. "Everyone knows." This time bitterness crept into Kate's husky voice.

"I had just finished my freshman year when it happened." Laura stared off, remembering the day that the entire town of Jackson was rocked by the scandal during the senior trip.

Kate gave a rough laugh, her own eyes clouded over with memories. It had been twenty years since she'd talked about it. Twenty years spent doing everything to forget. And in one day, the harsh pain of it all was back. "Graduation. Was supposed to be the beginning of a new life. The seniors had been planning the trip all year." Her eyes narrowed at some piece of memory that only she could see.

Laura as following Kate's memories in her own mind, remembering the contagious excitement that had followed that year's graduation. The class of 1980 had been a popular class with most of the school, Kate Watson and her best friend, Sara Connelly, being just two of the class's stars.

Kate shook her head, chasing the memories out of her mind's eye, not yet willing to make that trip again. Just when she thought she'd be swallowed whole, she felt Laura's hand on her own. It was as if someone had physically pinched her, jolting out of her painful remembrances.

"You left right after the trip," Laura said, her voice neutral as she held the other woman's hand tightly. "I watched you pack your car and I watched you leave. I stood outside, watching you until I couldn't see your car anymore." She took a deep breath, her eyes locking with Kate's.

Kate felt suddenly embarrassed, but she didn't pull her hand way. She had no memories of the girl who'd lived next door during her high school years. Her only memories of Laura had been when they'd been much younger, and they were only brief.

Seeing the emotions running across Kate's face, Laura laughed gently. "It's okay, I know you didn't know I existed." Kate looked down at her lap, her face not revealing anything. "But I knew you existed, Kate." She leaned over, using her other hand to lift the older woman's chin, gently seeking the woman's eyes with her own. While Kate's face remained emotionless, her dark eyes were tormented. Unable to resist the pull she felt, Laura leaned into Kate, closing her eyes as her lips found Kate's. Soft and pliable, Kate's mouth hesitated before responding to Laura's touch. Her arms quickly wrapped around Laura, pulling her impossibly closer.

The kiss had started as a means of reassurance, but it quickly grew into something else entirely. Laura marveled at the softness of the other woman's lips and the feel of the Kate's body pressed against her own. Kate. This was Kate! She was kissing Kate and Kate was kissing her back. Dreams she'd long forgotten, fantasies that had only recently been revived, were being fulfilled. And for all her dreaming and fantasizing, she'd never thought that they would ever come true.

Reason and thought left Kate as she held Laura to her. Her mouth felt like it was on fire as she deepened their kiss. She touched the soft skin of Laura's face, sliding her hand around to the younger woman's neck, reassuring her hold on her. Her mind was telling her that she should stop, she should take advantage of this woman, but her body wasn't listening. A series of reactions began inside her, creating friction where there hadn't been any only moments before, making Kate feel desperate with need. She wanted to take Laura inside of her and make love to her, hold her, keep her safe, and most of all, revel in the feelings that Laura created within her.

Just as Kate's hand began to itch with desire to feel skin, she heard in the back of her mind the sound of a large vehicle at the end of the driveway. Both women drew apart reluctantly, but decidedly.

"It's Caitlin's bus," Laura said, her voice husky. Her blue eyes had darkened to something that reminded Kate of a summer storm, and her wide mouth was slightly swollen from their kissing.

Pulling away, Kate let Laura slide back into the driver's seat, their contact broken. "What is happening here?" She asked, her uncertainty clear in her voice, making her cringe. She wasn't sure what she was feeling or experiencing, something that she wasn't not accustom to. Her control seemed to slip away when she was around Laura, and kissing her had not improved upon that. She felt suddenly lost without Laura's touch.

Before Laura could reply, a tow headed girl ran to the car and knocked happily on the driver's side window. She smiled at her daughter, then turned back to Kate. She instantly saw something different in the older woman. It was as if a door had closed, leaving Kate remote and untouchable. She watched, feeling helpless as Kate opened the car door and got out.

Slowly doing the same, Laura gave her daughter a one armed huge. "Hi honey, how was school?"

"Boring, as usual. But guess what? Mrs. Conners told us the most disgusting story about her dog!" Caitlin's face broke into a grin, revealing a gapping hole on the top and bottom where she'd recently lost teeth.

Before she could tell the story, she saw Kate. She studied the woman openly, her smile never fading. Kate clearly saw Laura in Caitlin. Her wide face was open and freckled just as her mother's was. Where Laura's hair was brown with blonde highlights, Caitlin's was blonde with darker highlights. But her eyes were the same as her mother's. A blue so pure that they didn't seem natural.

"Caitlin, this is Kate. She's Mrs. Watson's daughter. Kate, this is my daughter Caitlin." Laura stood behind her daughter, hands on her shoulders, and they both faced Kate. Laura tried desperately to reach behind Kate's obvious mask of indifference, wanting to show her what she'd tried to convey in their kiss, but Kate was ignoring Laura's gaze.

"Hello Caitlin, it's nice to meet you." Kate reached out a long, tapered hand. Caitlin only hesitate a moment before doing the same. The two shook hands while taking each other in.

"Nice to meet you too, Kate. My mom's told me a lot about you." Caitlin gave the standard line, as she knew she was supposed to. "Mom, can I go over to Jessica's until dinner?" She saw her mother was about to say no, so she resorted to a desperation tactic. "Pleaseeee?" She clasped her hands together, clearly begging.

"Be back by 5, okay?" Laura looked at her daughter sternly. "And don't go anywhere else, you got it?"

"Sure, mom." Caitlin called out as she ran passed her own house and down the block.

Once again the two women were alone, but now it seemed as though there were an ocean between them. Laura felt helpless, as if they'd taken a step forward and then suddenly, they were shoved three steps back. Just moments ago, she felt as if her world were finally sliding into place, that her dreams were going to be realized. But now it was clear that wouldn't happen.

"I should get going," Kate said, her face impassible and her body straight with resolve that neither of them understood.

"Kate, we should-"

"Talk?" Kate finished softly for Laura, finally meeting her eyes. For a brief moment Laura saw pain deeper than she'd ever thought possible, but then it was gone and Kate was again hidden. "Why, Laura? What would it do?" When she saw that Laura didn't know what to say, she turned and went to her mother's house, her house. "Goodbye, Laura."

Chapter Ten

Spring will eternally be a time of growth, when the earth unfreezes and life returns to the ground. Buds that stayed unmoving during the winter begin to unfold slowly as part of the never ending cycle of life.

In the days that passed, Kate felt pangs of fear every time she left her mother's house. She wasn't afraid of the world outside her refuge, but she was completely afraid of running into Laura. She was avoiding the other woman, and she was willing to acknowledge that. What she wasn't willing to face was that she was in danger of repeating a mistake that had taken part of her soul.

She began to paint again, something she'd given up in high school when she realized she didn't have a future in it. Back then she'd been too focused to waste time on something that wasn't going to be a way to get out of Jackson. That was all she thought about at that time. Getting out. And she had. But, being practically run out of town because she was gay hadn't been a part of her plan. Leaving Sara behind hadn't either.

Her feelings for Laura, feelings that had come unbidden and unexpected, threatened to destroy her as her feelings for Sara had once done. She kept telling herself that she wasn't that 18 year old girl anymore, but somewhere she still was. Somewhere, deep inside, something had stopped that day after graduation. Something had never continued to grow and develop because it had been too badly hurt. Something that Kate had hoped to never have opened again. And yet, all it took was one, unexpected woman, and Kate's foundations were shaken again.

Every day, Kate looked out her mother's windows at Laura's house, half hoping to see Laura, half hoping not to. When she did get a glimpse of the other woman, Kate's heart ached. When she would see Caitlin, she would see Laura in her. Yet, she continued to look each day. Why?

If Kate could answer that question, maybe she'd be able to walk away, but she couldn't. And until she could, she had to avoid it all and just pretend it didn't exist.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Making herself a cup of coffee, Laura sat down at her kitchen table where Caitlin was quietly doing her homework. Without thinking, she put her hand out and ran her hand through her daughter's silky hair. It was a quiet reassurance for her.

Sipping her coffee slowly, Laura looked over her latest rough draft. She'd started writing stories for children when she was pregnant. After her rape, her father had taken her to see a friend of his who was a psychologist. James Kingston had been a gentle man who loved his daughter fiercely. He'd felt completely helpless after she'd been raped, unable to reach her as she often retreated into long stretches of silent depression. It was with desperation that he'd contacted Dr. Alexander Hoffman, an old friend from college. Alexander had suggested that Laura come in to see him. When she did, she'd found someone that she could talk to without being judged. When they found out she was pregnant, Dr. Hoffman had suggest that she start writing to the baby that was forming in her.

Hesitant at first, Laura started to write stories for her unborn child and found that she actually enjoyed the process. Having a connection at a large publishing house, Dr. Hoffman got her an appointment with an editor, who immediately signed the young, pregnant woman. She wasn't given much for her stories, but it was enough that she was able, with the help of her parents, move away from Jackson. She needed the chance to distance herself from Todd Mackey.

Why had she returned ten years later? Watching her daughter's head, bent over her homework, she knew that she'd finally realized that she just couldn't hide anymore. There were friends and family who lived in or near Jackson and Laura was tired of avoiding the inevitable. Coming home.

"Hey mom?"

Laura didn't even realize that Caitlin was watching her. "Yes, sweetie?" She reached over and tried to straighten the girl's collar, but Caitlin wiggled out of reach. "One side of your collar's standing up, let me fix it."

"Mom! I like it that way!" The girl gave her mother an exasperated look. "Anyway, can I sleep over Jessica's on Friday night? Her parents are gonna rent some movies and we're gonna order pizza and drink lots of pop and stay up all night!" As she spoke, she got more excited, her eyes growing impossibly large.

"Did Jessica's mom say it was okay?" Laura asked, trying to keep her amusement from her face.

"Um, yeah, I think so."

Looking at her daughter with a bit of skepticism, Laura smiled indulgently. "How about if I call Jessica's mother to make sure it's okay?"

"Okay, maybe Jessica didn't ask her mom yet," Caitlin reluctantly confessed.

"Well, then why don't you tell Jessica to ask her mom and then have her mom call me if it's okay?"

"I guess so," Caitlin said, but didn't seem happy about it. "Mom, when I'm a teenager can I do whatever I want?"

"No, honey," Laura said with great patience.

"Why not?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Because, because, that's why." It was an old game with them.

"Mom!" Caitlin dragged out the word in the cringing way that children have. She tried to stick out her bottom lip in a pout, but her mother just smiled at her.

The smile that took over Laura's face was contagious and soon both of them were grinning at each other. Standing up, Laura hugged her daughter tightly to her. She realized for the millionth time that Caitlin was the best part of her, no matter how she'd been conceived and what had happened afterward. Nothing could take that away from her.

Chapter Eleven

"Someone asked me about you today, Katie." Elaine watched her daughter's reaction carefully. In the weeks that she'd been back, Kate had kept to herself. While Elaine always insisted on them eating together at night, during the day Kate seemed to wander restlessly around the house, never leaving for any length of time. She hoped that the news she was going to give Kate would encourage her to renew old acquaintances.

"Is that good, or bad?" Kate was wary. She doubted that anyone in the town had fond memories of her. If they did, they had been tainted long ago. She sat down at the small kitchen table.

"Do you remember Barbara Jones?"

"My old art teacher?" Kate's sculpted eyebrows raised in surprise.

"She said she'd heard you were in town and wanted to get together with you."

Kate envisioned the woman who had formed much of her high school years. Mrs. Jones had been the only person who encouraged Kate's foundling interest in painting and drawing. Most of the people in her school had associated Kate with the debate club and other clubs or groups of academia. None of them knew the artistic side she hid. Even her best friend, Sara, hadn't been aware of Kate's meager abilities.

"Is she still teaching?" Kate asked curiously.

"Yes, she is. She wanted you to come by the school if you could." Unconsciously, Kate thumped her fingers on the table, her eyes far off. "She seemed very excited about seeing you."

"I'll see," was all that Kate said before getting up and abruptly leaving the kitchen.

Elaine sighed, her heart aching for her daughter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

James Mackey knew he was getting old. He felt old. Every morning when he got up, he felt the years that had passed in his lifetime. But it was more than that. His life should have been easy, but instead James Mackey found out just how hard life could really be. His son, his only child, should have been his greatest joy. But Todd had been different. Popular growing up, James saw in him such potential. However, behind that was something cold. Something cruel. Pets never lasted long in the Mackey household, and it took years before James realized why. By the time he had, it was too late. Todd was on a path of violence that could not be altered.

Sighing, James watched the scene in front of him. Clear, green eyes watched as a two young girls chased after each other, laughing. But only one of the girls had his attention. The product of his son's cruelty.

In his withered hand, James held an envelope, a letter he'd received only the day before. His son, his prodigy, was coming home. His release date was set for the end of the summer. And James was afraid. Afraid not only for his son, but also for the little girl he was watching, and for the girl's mother. He knew he had to find some way of telling her. But he didn't know how.

He came weekly to this place, across the street from where his granddaughter lived. More than once, she'd looked directly at him, but she never seemed to mind him. Today, she waved gaily in his direction and he smiled, his heart aching. He only knew her name because he'd heard someone call her by it once. Caitlyn. His granddaughter, Caitlyn.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From a window, Kate also watched Caitlin in her yard. The girl was playing with another girl who seemed to be about her age, but her polar opposite; one blonde, the other dark, one tall and slender, the other shorter and chubbier. She watched as they bounced from place to place, playing some game that only they seemed to understand, and as she watched, she felt pangs of emotions that she had pushed aside long ago.

Any traces that had been left of Kate's innocence had been shattered the day following her high school graduation. She didn't imagine that there had been much of it left, but there must have been. That was the only way she could explain the pain and devastation she'd felt.

She learned, though. Oh yes, she'd learned. Trusting people was overrated. Letting them touch your soul should be a mortal sin. Kate had had other things to think about, goals to accomplish. She realized that emotional attachments were a waste of time. After that, once she'd been installed in the business realm, she had casual relationships with other women. But she never let herself get emotionally invested. The closest she got was with Abby. And, looking back, Kate realized that Abby had reminded her in many ways of Sara. They both had that devil-may-care attitude toward life. They both were capable of making someone feel as though they were the only person in the world. And they both had tried to break Kate's heart. One had succeeded, but Kate had enough barriers in place that the other hadn't. It only proved her right, though. Emotion was a waste of time and energy.

Moving away from the window, Kate tried to strengthen her resolve, but there was a twitch in her chest that made it difficult for her to just let go and forget about the woman next door.

She'd been seeking refuge, coming home, but she found herself in almost more pain than when she'd left L.A. It all made her wonder where her control had gone. How had she let herself be ousted from the company she'd devoted so much time and energy to? How had she allowed herself to be played by Abigail? And most of all, why had she let herself kiss Laura?

Just thinking about the kiss she'd shared with Laura and Kate's lips tingled and something low in her constricted painfully. "Dammit!" She hissed, her teeth clenched tightly.

How could she shut these feelings out?

Grabbing her car keys, Kate quickly headed toward the front door, grabbing her purse as she did. Lately, to find solace, she'd taken to driving for hours, not going anywhere in particular. Driving away from where her heart was directing her, but always returning to her home, her refuge.

She was prepared to do whatever she needed to do to get Laura out of her mind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The difference between the outside and the inside was literally the difference between light and day. Outside, tendrils of the sun's light still gently touched the horizon, but inside, darkness prevails.

Kate had to stop just inside the door and let her eyes adjust to the difference. There seemed to be only one room, the smoke filled air making it seem smaller than it was. Tables were scattered around half the room and the rest was a solid floor that she assumed served as a dance floor. But there wasn't anyone dancing at the moment. The only sound was coming from an old jukebox in the corner.

"What a dive," she muttered softly under her breath as she approached the bar. There were only a few people sitting there, each one seeming to be totally involved in the drink in front of them.

"Well, hellooooo there!" Behind the bar was a skinny man wearing more makeup than Kate was. "You're new here."

"Yes," Kate said as she carefully sat on a barstool, careful not to think about when the stool had last been cleaned.

The man looked at her, grinning. "You're a little early for the action, sugar."

"Am I too early for a drink?" She retorted dryly.

"OOooooo...a hot one!" The bartender snapped a towel into the air. "I love it when they're frisky!" Leaning over the bar across from Kate, he smiled at her, showing perfect white teeth. "What can I get you beautiful?"

"Tequila and a Molson Ice."

"A shot to dull the pain and a beer to chase the taste, you got it." The bartender worked quickly, but neatly. Before she could ask for him to cut the commentary, the shot and beer were in front of her, the lemon and salt neatly on the side. "You just let me know when you're ready for something else," he said before walking away.

Kate smiled to herself. The man might talk a lot, but he knew when to walk away, a sign of an attentive bartender. Quickly, she downed the tequila, feeling its warmth down to her toes even as she put the lemon in her mouth.

Turning on her stool, she looked around the place. She'd found it by searching on the internet for gay or lesbian bars near Jackson. This place, called Hope was the only place within 100 miles. It really was a hole in the wall. Trying to appear inconspicuous, Kate studied the five other patrons at the bar. Two women wearing flannel shirts and baseball hats were starring down at their drinks, ignoring each other. Three men, each of them far from each other, were smoking and drinking, looking around them, but not at each other, seeming to be waiting for something.

"Another shot, dear?" The bartender was back, dishtowel in hand.

"Not yet, thanks." She looked at her watch. It was only 7:30. "What time does it usually start picking up around here?"

"Oh, about 9, or so. It's a week day, so it won't be as busy as it is on the weekend." He gazed at her as if thinking about something. Then he stuck his hand out toward her. "I'm Dean," he said with a smile.

"Kate," she replied, shaking his hand, noting his firm grip.

"Nice to meet you, Kate." He studied her again. "You know, you're a little over dressed for this kind of place." He took careful note of her dark, camel hair slacks and her seemingly soft white blouse.

"There doesn't seem to be many other places to go," she shrugged, taking a sip of her beer.

"True enough. Well, I must warn you. You're bound to get a lot of attention tonight!"

"Just because of the way I dress?" She raised an eyebrow at him.

Dean leaned over the bar again, getting closer to her. "No, honey, cause you're so damn beautiful."

She had the grace to blush at the compliment. "Thank you, Dean."

"I know I'm late, so don't tell me that I am!" Someone whirled passed Kate and Dean, jumping over the bar and landing on the other side. "That moron who lives next door decided to have a crisis just as I was getting ready to leave and blocked the hallway, telling me about her stinking love life, and--" It was a woman, Kate realized as the woman just abruptly stopped talking and stared at Kate, her mouth still open. "Holy shit, you're The Cougar!"

"The who?" Dean said, puzzled.

"You know. That lesbian exec in California? Remember, I showed you that article about her in Girlfriends?" The woman standing on the other side of the bar was short and slender, her dark hair cut in a casual pageboy style. "That's you, isn't it?" She asked Kate.

"Yes." There was no use in lying.

Dean scrunched his eyes up, tilting his head to the left and then the right. "How could you tell? The picture and article were only like this big." He indicated the size with his thumb and forefinger.

"I wouldn't forget a face like that," the woman gazed at Kate, her meaning clear enough to make Kate choke on her sip of beer. "Gina Stein." She held out her hand, an easy smile on her face.

"Kate Watson." They shook hands, Gina letting her hand rest in Kate's a little longer than was necessary. "And how did you get your hands on that article? It must have been at least five years ago. You were probably still in high school."

Gina snorted. "Good guess," she retorted. "The question is what are you doing here, of all places?"

"I grew up in Jackson."

"Really? Wow, we used to play them in soccer! I can't believe the Cougar grew up only a few towns away!" Gina leaned over the bar; completely ignoring Dean's pointed looks. "Are you single?"

"Gina! Have some manners, for Christ's sake!" Dean swatted at her with a towel, which she good naturedly avoided.

"What? Doesn't a girl have the right to ask anymore?" She managed to snag Dean's towel away from him and started snapping it in his direction.

"Girl, I ain't no lesbian's whipping boy!" He laughed with her as they played. Kate watched on in amusement.

Finally, they were laughing too hard to continue and they both leaned against the bar, catching their breath.

"So?" Gina asked.

"Yes, I am." Kate replied. She was, after all, looking for something to take her mind off her attraction to Laura. She eyed Gina frankly, and then smiled, shaking her head. "I think you're a little young to be barking up this old tree."

Leaning in as close as the bar separating them allowed, Gina smiled seductively, slowly looking Kate first up and then down, taking in everything. "There's nothing wrong with being young, Cougar."

Despite herself, Kate felt one side of her mouth slide up in a half smile. The younger woman was attractive; there was no doubt about that. Sliding her hand through her dark, glossy hair, Kate decided that maybe Gina was right. Maybe there wasn't anything wrong with being young.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kate discovered that Dean's prediction about it getting busier, but not too busy was accurate. More people came in after 9 pm and impromptu dancing began in the area without tables. People lined up to take turns playing their favorite tunes to dance to. Gina explain, as she slipped another shot of tequila Kate's way, that on the weekends there was a live DJ.

Many women and men who came in gave Kate a long look. She tried to ignore it when women would elbow their friends and whisper while looking in her direction. None of them approached her though. What she didn't know was that Gina was almost always nearby, giving the new comers a look that clearly indicated she was interested in Kate.

Gina played bar back to Dean's bartender well. They worked together effortlessly, keeping a unceasing dialog between them, as well as conversing with customers. Kate found that has time slowly passed, she felt more and more relaxed in her environment. She knew that the consistent shots of tequila with beer chasers didn't hurt her level of comfort. Not normally a heavy drinker, Kate knew she was over her limit, but she managed to keep herself in control.

Around 11 pm, Gina got a break, coming out from behind the bar. She gestured to an empty table, indicating that she wanted Kate to join her, which Kate did. The table was in an extremely darkened part of the room, being in the farthest corner from the bar itself. Kate sat with her back to the wall, taking comfort in the darkness which surrounded her. She could see the entire bar, but she doubted that many could see her. Sitting across the table from her, Kate watched Gina's mouth closely as she gave her a quick grin.

"So, why are you here and not in L.A.?"

"Don't beat around the bush much, do you?" Kate smiled at the woman across from her, noticing the way her hair seemed to be two different colors, depending on which angle you looked at it. Right now, her hair seemed to have highlights of a magenta color which she hadn't seen before. Nothing like the golden highlights of Laura's hair though, she immediately thought. "Damn," she muttered softly to herself, an image of Laura standing in the sun coming to her mind. "Damn, damn, damn," she repeated as she closed her eyes.

"What is it?" Gina quickly moved, knelling in front of the older woman. "Are you okay?"

Kate opened her eyes to Gina being little more than a hair's breadth away from her. Without thinking, she closed her eyes again, her hand coming up behind Gina's head. She pulled the younger woman into a kiss. This kiss wasn't tentative though, it was possessing and demanding. Her mouth worked roughly at Gina's, as she instinctively knew that this was what Gina wanted. She wanted the Cougar, and that was something Kate knew how to be.

Using her teeth, Kate nipped at Gina's tongue, making the younger woman groan into her mouth. With strong hands, Kate lifted Gina, pulling her into her lap so that she was forced to straddle Kate and the chair. Her hands were steady despite the alcohol in her system as she wrapped one arm around the smaller woman, her other hand slipping under Gina's shirt, feeling warm, soft skin underneath. It only took her a moment to realize that the other woman wasn't wearing a bra.

Their mouths parted finally, Gina moaning low in her throat as Kate swept her hand over her bare back. Leaning forward, Gina's mouth found Kate's slender neck, her lips trailing up, leaving rough kisses in their wake. When she reached Kate's ear lobe, she sucked it into her mouth, her hot mouth causing goose bumps to form on Kate's skin. Pulling back, Kate looked into Gina's dark eyes, and seeing the fire there, she brought her hand to the front of Gina, finally resting on the smaller woman's firm breast.

"What do you want, Gina?" Kate's voice was low and liquid, causing Gina to groan, leaning herself into Kate's touch. "Do you want this?" She pinched Gina's nipple roughly.

"Oh yessss," Gina hissed, her hips raising as Kate's actions caused heat to liquefy between her legs. She grabbed at Kate's hand, forcing it to move lower.

"You want more?" Kate asked softly as her hand deftly unbuttoned Gina's jeans. Whimpering, Gina nodded her head in response. "What if someone sees us?" Kate asked, not really caring about the answer.

"I. Don't. Care." Gina's teeth were clenched as she tried to keep from screaming out loud. She felt Kate's hand slip into her jeans, sliding down her skin, resting between her legs. Her hips began to rock against Kate's hand.

Kate worked her fingers against Gina, enjoying the woman's effort to stay quiet. Her own hips rocked up to meet Gina's each time they moved, her own body reacting to the other woman's pleasure. She felt Gina's body tense and saw Gina's head go back in a silent scream while her body jerked against her harder and harder until she went absolutely still. It was then that Kate entered her, her fingers going smoothly into the woman. She thrust herself completely into her before pulling out and quickly repeating the motion. Each thrust was harder and harder until Gina's body seemed to be singing with tension. When Gina came a second time, Kate felt her close around her fingers and she fought to continue her rhythm. Gina was riding her hand, her hips lifting her up and down, one of her own hands covering her mouth as she fought to stay quiet. Finally, Gina went limp against Kate's body. Carefully, Kate withdrew her hand, using both hands to hold the smaller woman on her lap.

Their surroundings, which had faded away, came back full force and Kate felt instantly aware of the people around them. She fervently checked each person, trying to see if anyone of them knew what was going on in the corner. But everyone that she saw seemed to be oblivious that she'd just fucked Gina before them. A mixture of pride and shame filled her. She fought the urge to dump Gina from her lap and run out of the place.

"That was fantastic, Cougar." Gina finally whispered into her ear, tightening her hold. "But I always knew it would be." Her hot mouth began to kiss Kate's neck, moving down toward where her shirt formed a V above her breasts. While Kate's libido was saying yes, Kate knew that she was not going to allow this woman to touch her here, in public.

Gently, she pulled up Gina's head. "Don't you have to get back to the bar?"

"Don't you want to come?" Gina's small hand was between her legs, moving over Kate's pants.

"Not now, not here." Something in Kate's stomached turned as the full force of what had happened hit her. She'd always been forceful in taking what she'd wanted, but she'd never been into public sex before. There had been some excitement in it, but more than that, Kate realized she just hadn't been thinking. The alcohol in her stomach began to churn faster and faster and Kate fought her urge to vomit.

Helping Gina stand, Kate responded to the younger woman's smile with a ghostly smile of her own. As Gina headed back to the bar, Kate bolted for the bathroom, just making it before the tequila rushed out of her.

Chapter Twelve

Subject: To Dance With the Devil
Date: 4/22/2003 5:16 APM Central Time
To: lesbianwetdream@hotmail.com
From: TheCougar@msn.com

Remind me the next time I have a great idea that a) tequila is so foul that it could only come from hell and therefore is a product of the devil and 2) younger women aren't always the answer.

Yes, I combined the two last night and the result is a vicious hangover that has yet abated. It's a little after 5 AM here. I only got home a few hours ago, not because I was enjoying the wiles of the younger woman, but because the tequila did not agree with my digestive system. Enough said.

I have some options open in my life, Emma, and I think that at this point I'll have to stop avoiding them. Wish me luck. You'd be proud.

Kate

Kate looked over the email, trying not to think about the pounding in her head. Her bedroom felt hot and uncomfortable. The combination of unusually warm spring weather and her hangover making just about every position on her bed unbearable. She'd finally decided to turn on the computer and found herself writing to Emma without giving it a thought. That's what friends were supposed to do, right? She felt a bit uncomfortable at revealing personal information about where'd she'd spent the night. Sighing, she deleted the second paragraph and felt much better afterward. Hitting the send button, Kate closed her eyes and laid her head on the pillow. Squinting at her laptop hadn't been the answer. Powering down the small machine, she put it on the floor, the curled her long frame into a fetus position. Within minutes she was asleep.

Her dreams were filled with faces of people she knew. First there was Abby, looking at her with eyes filled with deceit, telling her what her heart already knew but didn't want to acknowledge. Then she saw Gina, her youth exaggerated in dream style. She was dressed in what appeared to be a soccer uniform, a soccer ball underneath her arm, looking for all the world like a teenager. Kate stared at her as Gina's mouth curled into a sneer. "You're a freak, Katie, just a freak. We don't want freaks here!" Her teeth were pointed and sinister looking.

Just to Gina's left she saw Sara, not as she was today, but as she'd always been in Kate's memory. Sara's arms were outstretched. "I promise, I won't leave you, Kate! Come to me, Kate!" But when Kate moved toward her, she suddenly pulled her arms away, laughing at Kate's confusion.

Kate turned and ran from the sight, trying to escape the realities of her dream world. As she ran and ran everything around her got darker and darker until she was surrounded in darkness. She could hear her own ragged breathing as it was echoed back to her, but she couldn't see or hear anything else. Some part of her told her that she should stop running, but she didn't. Finally she ran into something that stopped her progress. As she hit it, she realized it was soft and warm. Arms came out and grabbed her, pulling her closer to the object.

"Shhh...don't fight me. I'll keep your safe. Don't fight me." The person holding her said, the voice familiar, but unrecognizable to Kate's dream self.

She tried to speak, but wasn't able. She wanted to struggle against the arms that held her, but she was helpless.

"I promise I won't hurt you. Trust me, Kate. Trust me." And something in Kate finally stopped fighting, physically relaxing in the arms around her, leaning back against the soft, but strong body behind her. Some barrier had been breached and Kate felt unable to stop the invisible army storming through her psychological defenses. But rather than feeling violated, Kate sighed deeply, glad to finally have to stop pretending, glad to finally be able to take down the barriers which she'd carried her entire life. There was relief in not having to hide.

Melting into the arms holding her, Kate felt safe. Unreasonably safe.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The draw was more than Kate could handle. Without deciding to, Kate found herself on Laura's doorstep, her hand reaching to ring the door bell. As the faint sound of the bell echoed softly, she looked around her. The front porch held pots of flowers, all looking healthy and strong. There was a swing that Kate remembered having swung on when she was little. The memory of sitting on the swing and looking down at her feet which couldn't reach the ground flashed through her suddenly.

Just then, the door opened. "Hi," Laura said, her eyes showing her wary surprise. She leaned casually against the door frame, her arms crossed. Kate thought suddenly that she looked beautiful, her long legs clad in soft looking jeans, a well worn navy blue shirt with faded writing stretching across her wide shoulders.

"Hi," she responded, feeling suddenly uncharacteristically shy. She'd never been shy with women. Why was this so different?

Laura arched an eyebrow in question as she waited for Kate to say something.

"Sorry." Kate couldn't believe it when she felt her cheeks grow warm. I'm blushing! she thought, completely embarrassed. "I...I think you were right," she finally managed to say.

"About...?" Laura wasn't going to give her an inch.

"About needing to talk about what happened the other day."

Laura narrowed her eyes to the point that Kate couldn't even see the blue irises anymore. "Kate, the other day? Are you talking about us kissing? That was weeks ago!" Throwing up her hands in exasperation, Laura let her frustration be seen. She'd thought of little else since it had happened.

"Does that mean you don't want to talk about it?" Kate's voice had gotten softer and deeper as she felt her own share of frustration. Why was this woman making it so hard?

"I believe you said there was nothing to talk about!" Laura turned and went into the house, leaving the door open behind her. Kate followed her automatically, closing the door behind her. "So, if there's nothing to talk about, what do we need to talk about?"

Right on Laura's heels, Kate put her hand on Laura's shoulder and spun her around. "You're the one who said we should talk. I'm admitting your right!" Kate was almost shouting.

"That would mean you were wrong?" The question was as pointed as a stake being driven through a vampire's heart.

All her anger and frustration drained out of her, leaving Kate feeling childish. "Yes, I suppose I was," she finally said, her eyes revealing raw emotion that made something inside of Laura lurch. Kate lifted a slightly trembling hand, damning her own weakness around this woman. She gently brushed flyaway hair from Laura's face, her fingers lingering on the woman's soft, warm skin. "Please, I would like to talk to you."

Laura leaned into Kate's touch, forgetting what she was upset about, only concentrating on the feeling of the other woman's caress. After a moment, Kate withdrew her touch. Laura almost whimpered in protest, but managed to keep herself quiet. She wanted to ask Kate not to break her heart, but stayed quiet, looking at the other woman expectantly.

Sighing inwardly, Kate looked at her feet as though they would spot mouths and talk for her. She finally forced herself to look at Laura, searching her eyes. "Listen, I'm sorry about the way I acted, Laura." She saw something in Laura's sky blue eyes soften. "I guess...I..." She shut her mouth tightly, fighting her desire to tell Laura everything; tell her how she'd always run away from her own emotions, never staying to deal with things when her heart started to hurt. But she couldn't. Something inside her wouldn't let her say it.

Watching the conflicting emotions as they washed over Kate's face made something in Laura hurt. Then a look of resolve came over the other woman's face and Laura felt as though a door were closing. A sense of urgency passed through her. She leaned forward, her lips finding Kate's.

The softness of Laura's lips ignited Kate. Her hand came up and softly cupped Laura's cheek as she pressed harder against her lips. When Laura's mouth opened to her, she groaned softly, using her other hand to pull Laura against her.

Breaking apart, Kate gasped for air. "I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since then," she confessed, her heart overriding her mind.

Laura pulled back slightly and looked into Kate's dark eyes, a smile playing at the corner of her lips. "Kate, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since I was in seventh grade."

"What?" Kate laughed softly. "What are you saying, Laura?"

Laura's face, already flushed from their kissing, turned a deeper color of pink. "I've...I've...wanted to kiss you since puberty!" She blurted finally, her head bent down as she found herself unable to look into Kate's face, afraid of the ridicule she'd find there.

Firm fingers lifted her head by the chin, forcing her gaze up. When she saw Kate's face she gasped. There was no ridicule there, only an openness that belied the raw need inside Kate. "I think you've waited long enough then," Kate said as she leaned her head forward to once again claim Laura's lips. The feel of their bodies touching thigh to thigh, breast to breast was intoxicating for both women.

"Mooom!" A voice yelled from somewhere in the house as the sound of a door being slammed shut echoed. "I'm home! Can I have a snack?"

Laura pulled away from Kate, her face flushed, but she kept her arms around the other woman. "There are some cookies in the pantry!" She yelled back, her voice shaking only a little. Sounds of Caitlin opening and closing cupboards could be heard in the living room.

"Can I have some coke? Please?"

"No, have milk." Laura turned to Kate, watching her carefully. The other woman seemed to be frozen in her spot.

Kate felt as if she were caught doing something wrong, even though she knew she hadn't been. The idea of a child in the next room was unnerving. She'd never spent much time around kids and wasn't at all sure how to react to them.

"Hey," Laura said softly, bringing a hand up, she caressed Kate's cheek with her thumb.

"Hey," Kate replied huskily. She looked into Laura's eyes and felt herself drowning. Pulling away slowly, she ran her fingers through her hair in an attempt to regain order. "I guess I should be going."

"Like last time?" Laura's voice was filled with uncertainty.

A hint of a smile played across Kate's lips. "No, not like last time. " She took Laura's hand and brought it to her face, first rubbing her cheek over it and finally kissing it gently. "I don't know what's going on with us, Laura, but I know that I'd like to find out."

"I'd like that, too." Laura felt her heart beating in her ears as she took in the implications of Kate's words. It felt as though she'd been waiting a lifetime for this moment and she wanted to keep it forever.

Leaning forward, Kate gave Laura a gentle kiss and then headed to the door. "I'll see you later then."

"Thanks for coming over to talk." Laura watched as Kate left, closing the front door behind her gently.

Chapter Thirteen

Kate look at the dinning room table, then look at her mother curiously. "How'd we go from two people to three people?" She pointed at the extra table setting.

"Didn't I tell you?" Elaine Watson was the image of innocence. "I invited Laura Kingston to come for dinner."

Kate's stomach performed a lopsided flip-flop. Three days had passed since she'd gone over to see Laura. She'd been fighting herself since then, wanting to cross the yard and pull the other woman into her arms, but not wanting to push Laura.

"Caitlin's sleeping over a friend's house and Brent's out of town, so I thought I'd invite her over to eat with us." Kate's mother continued her dinner preparation without stopping.

"Who's Brent?"

"Laura's boyfriend, Brent O'Reily." Elaine smiled. "He's such a nice young man. Great with Caitlin too."

Stifling the desire to scream, Kate clenched her hands into tight balls, trying to contain the fury that filled her.

Unaware of her daughter's reaction, Elaine continued to talk. "I keep telling her that she should marry him. I know he's asked her. But she just says she's not ready for marriage." When silence met her, Elaine looked up and was surprised to see that Kate wasn't there anymore. Shrugging to herself, she checked the temperature on the sauce pan in front of her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Laura rang the doorbell, a bouquet of flowers in her hand. Her palms felt sweaty as she waited for someone to answer the door. Just knowing that she was going to be in the same house as Kate made her both excited and nervous at the same time.

The door finally swung open and Laura's vision was filled with Kate herself. She gasped when she saw the coldness in Kate's dark eyes. Something in her shifted uncomfortably. Kate stood there, staring at her, almost as if she were looking through her. When the older woman didn't say anything, Laura lifted the flowers in her hand. "These are for you," she said softly.

"Did your boyfriend give them to you before he left?" Kate's voice was harsh and her tone was meant to hurt.

Laura flinched as though she'd been physically hit. There was such raw emotion in Kate's face that she thought she'd die on the spot from the pain. "Kate, it's not-"

"You don't have to explain anything to me, Laura. I mean, we're just friends, right. Who you fuck is your own business." Turning on her heel, Kate stalked away, leaving Laura standing there.

"Oh, Laura, you're here! Perfect timing," Elaine's came out of the kitchen, stopping when she saw Laura standing outside, the front door wide open, her daughter no where to be seen. "Forgive my daughter's manners," she said with a smile. "Come on in." She reached Laura and took her elbow, guiding her into the house. "What beautiful flowers. Come, we'll find a vase for them."

Together they went into the kitchen where Elaine found a vase for the flowers. After putting them in water and arranging them, Elaine announced it was time to eat.

When called, Kate came slowly to the table, her face a mask without emotion. She ate her dinner by rote, answering only direct questions, avoiding looking at Laura all together.

After she'd eaten, Kate excused herself from the table and hurried away, not able to sit that close to Laura for a moment longer. She thought about driving to Hope for a drink, but she was afraid of running into Gina there. She'd never called the girl back and felt completely ashamed of her behavior. She was getting too old for those games.

Instead, Kate put a light jacket on and slipped out of the house, walking toward the forest at the end of the street. There was a walking path that ran through the forest. She hoped that the walk would clear her head.

Laura and Elaine heard the soft snick of the front door closing. Dinner had been a disaster. Elaine wasn't sure what was happening, but she was completely angry at her daughter's rude behavior. When she said as much, Laura only shook her head and said it had been her fault.

Excusing herself, Laura thanked Elaine for the dinner, declined taking any desert with her, and left the house.

Rather than heading to her own house, Laura stood outside for a moment, revealing in the feeling of a spring evening. She couldn't understand how things had gotten so out of hand. After a moment, she headed in the direction opposite of her home, something inside her directing her.

When she got to the walking path at Jackson Glacier park, she hesitated. It was dark on the path and she hadn't brought a flashlight with her. Dark places were not friends of hers, but she instinctively knew that Kate had gone this way. Taking a deep breath she moved forward, heading into the dense tress that lined the walking path.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While the park wasn't lit at night, Kate remembered fondly going there after dark, bravely walking the paths alone, or with friends. She and Sara had gone there frequently during their high school years, holding hands and exchanging heated kisses in the quiet refuge the trees provided.

Sara. Why did even the thought of her still hurt? Yes, it had taken away every ounce of innocence Kate had had and it had devastated her to the point that she'd never wanted to look back. But why couldn't she just work passed that hurt? There was a bigger question there, Kate acknowledged to herself. Why couldn't she let herself love again?

Then there was Laura. So very different from anyone Kate had ever felt anything for. She had thought that maybe she could fall in love with Laura. Maybe. But not now. There was already lies and deceit between them.

Sitting on a bench, Kate put her elbows on her knees and rested her head in her hands. The problem was that Kate wanted Laura desperately. Every time she was in Laura's presence, she had to fight the strong urge to just touch her soft skin, feel it under her fingers. The desire that Kate felt for her was more than just lust. It was something so deep and so full that Kate thought she would burst from it, or else die from not allowing it to be free.

There was guilt in those feelings, Kate acknowledged. She hated the self-introspection, but her head was constantly swimming with thoughts that she'd tried so hard to ignore for years. The guilt came from knowing that as much as she loved Sara, and as pure as her love for Sara had been, what she was feeling for Laura was more. And it had hit her so suddenly, so unexpectedly, that Kate felt as though she'd unknowingly gotten into the line for the roller coaster when she wanted to go on the merry-go-round.

Just sitting there thinking about Laura, Kate was filled with the subtle fire that had been growing in her since that first afternoon when Laura had found her in the garden. The fire that had burned her so harshly every time she'd ignored it, only to searingly consume her when she acknowledged it.

The sound of someone approaching fell on Kate and she knew instantly who it was. Laura. The younger woman's form appeared from the path. She stopped when she saw Kate sitting on the bench, the light from the moon putting the woman in relief against the darkness around them.

Kate rose slowly, her face never turning away from Laura. With deliberate steps she closed the distance between them. Long arms wrapped around Laura, pulling her tightly against Kate, as Kate's mouth sought Laura's. Her mouth wasn't gentle as she took Laura's mouth, devouring her soft, warm lips as her tongue darted into Laura's open mouth.

A gasp of surprise from Laura was quickly followed by a moan, both muffled by Kate's mouth. Hands quickly found their way under Laura's sweater, finding the warm skin of her abdomen. Her knees almost gave out when she felt Kate's long fingers close over her breast, gently, but firmly caressing her quickly hardening nipple through her bra.

When Kate's hot mouth moved from her mouth to her neck, Laura sighed in pleasure, pressing her body even harder against Kate's. Cold air hit her skin as Kate lifted her sweater up, but was quickly forgotten as Kate took her nipple into her mouth.

Sucking softly at first, Kate used her teeth to nip at the hard nub in her mouth. Laura's back arched, pressing her breast harder against Kate, leaving the older woman unsure if she could continue to stand. "I want you," she whispered into Laura's breast, receiving a moan in return. "You have only five seconds to decide if you want me to take you right here, or if you want to go back to your house."

"God!" Laura whimpered, her body on fire. "Don't stop, please don't stop." It was all the incentive that Kate needed as she guided Laura to the bench she'd just vacated.

Pushing Laura down onto the bench, Kate knelt on the ground between her legs, ignoring the shock of the hard ground on her knees. Deft fingers quickly unhooked Laura's bra, allowing her more freedom to explore the woman's full breasts. Laura wrapped her fingers in Kate's thick hair, holding the other woman's head to her chest, her own head thrown back in pleasure. She could only murmur "God, Kate, God," over and over again, any other speech beyond her.

As her mouth continued to suckle first one nipple, then the other, Kate used her hands to unbutton Laura's pants. One hand slipped into her pants, sliding against her skin, under her underwear, until Kate felt such heat that she thought her hand would be burned. She groaned into the softness of Laura's breast as she slid a finger between Laura's intimate folds, parting them slowly, searching for and finding the wetness she desired. Her tongue licked the underside of Laura's breast, loving the fullness of them against her mouth, as her finger moved slowly, instinctively knowing where Laura needed to be touched.

She felt almost reverent as she began to stroke Laura. But her need was too great to allow her to move slowly. Laura's hips began to rock back and forth against Kate's invading fingers, her head thrown back, her hands wrapped around Kate's neck. Kate watched as the moonlight played off the highlights in Laura's hair, making her seem ethereal in the realm of the forest around them. For one brief, heady moment, Kate felt as if she were making love to an entity of the forest, the moon smiling on them as they burned in their need and pleasure.

Unbelievably, Kate felt her own body reacting to Laura's, the swell of orgasm filling her. As she felt Laura's body tense in climax, and heard her gasp in pleasure, Kate felt her own body fall over the precipice it had been teetering on, sending her spiraling in a hard climax that made the muscles of her body liquid.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was the chill against her skin that finally made Laura move. Her entire body felt like jelly, her legs impossibly weak. The warmth of Kate's head on her thigh made her desperately not want to move, but realizing that the other woman was on the ground and that the wind seemed to be bringing colder air with it, she knew that moving was going to be necessary.

One hand was still tangled in Kate's hair. She took a minute to run it through the impossibly dark locks, marveling at the silky way the hair slid through her fingers. Many nights had she thought about touching Kate, kissing Kate, loving Kate, but never had she realized just how soft the woman would feel.

"Kate?" She said softly, her hand caressing a cool cheek. The older woman's eyes were closed, a small smile on her lips. "Kate, honey. We should move."

"Why?" Kate murmured, not opening her eyes.

"Because it's cold," she wanted to add darling but bit off the endearment.

Kate quickly lifted her head, wincing at the sudden movement. "Are you cold?" She asked anxiously.

"Only in certain areas. Other areas are very, very hot."

Grinning rakishly, Kate leaned up and kissed Laura's lips gently, taking the time to outline the woman's lips with the tip of her tongue. She felt Laura shiver in response, igniting Kate's desire yet again. "We should get up and go somewhere else."

"My place is free." The warmth was quickly spreading through Laura, pent up desire fighting with Laura's fear of being so exposed to this woman.

Kate rose slowly, her knees numb from being on the ground so long. She grimaced and worked them slowly to regain circulation. "That sounds like an offer I don't want to refuse." Offering Laura her hand, Kate helped the other woman stand, and then wrapped an arm around Laura's waist. She felt almost afraid to let the woman go, fearing that if she did the other woman would vanish and she'd be left alone. Suddenly she realized that she didn't want to be alone.

Chapter Fourteen

A quick call was made to Kate's mother, letting her know that everything was alright, but that she wouldn't be home that night. Elaine wisely did not ask where her daughter was, simply taking reassurance that she was safe.

As Laura took Kate's hand and led her up the stairs, Kate felt an unaccustomed wave of shyness. They'd already done the hard part, right? But in her heart, she knew that of course the hard part was yet to come. Intimacy was never something Kate gave herself to. She always held something back, never allowing anyone the power to hurt her.

But as she followed Laura up the stairs, her eyes on Laura's shapely rear end, her hand tingling where Laura held it, she knew that as much as she wanted to pretend, this was different. She wanted to pull her hand away, turn around, and leave. As if sensing her hesitation, Laura stop mid-stairs and looked at Kate.

"I won't hurt you, Kate. I promise."

The words were simple and yet they inspired both fear and longing in Kate. She was afraid to trust in those words, in the promise that Laura was making. Everyone hurt you at some point, why should Laura be any different. And yet, there was this incredible sense of wonder at how Laura knew what Kate needed to hear, what her biggest fear was without Kate even saying a word. Kate wasn't sure that she could do this, open herself to Laura. In an instant she thought about what would happen if she ran right then. She'd lose Laura forever. Could she live with that?

Laura moved closer on the stairs and, standing taller than Kate, she put her arms around Kate's neck. Slowly she pulled Kate closer, guiding Kate's head to rest on her chest, just holding Kate against her. "Please, trust in me," Laura said softly into Kate's hair.

Leaning into Laura, Kate was amazed by the sense of safety she felt just being held. Taking a deep breath, Kate knew that she couldn't live with herself if she didn't try. Pulling back so that she could look into Laura's eyes, Kate smiled, her normal rakish self showing through. "Take me upstairs, woman."

With a broad smile, Laura did just that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Something was across her legs. Kate realized this as she slowly woke. As her senses came back to her, she had several realizations all at once. She was naked, someone was sleeping on top of her, and it was morning. Almost instantly everything came back to her as her mind began to function properly again. It was Laura's leg that had pinned down her own legs. Opening her eyes to the morning light, she shifted her head slight and saw Laura's sun-kissed brown hair fanned out over her naked skin. Kate's arm was under Laura's body and she carefully pulled Laura closer to her, bending her neck so that she could nuzzle her hair.

Sunlight was streaming in from the window of Laura's room, bathing the room in diffused light. Lifting her free arm, Kate reached over and brushed hair from Laura's face, watching the other woman sleep. Her walls were down, temporarily at least, as she held the sleeping woman in her arms and watched her sleep. Kate had never intended for this to happen, never intended to let anyone beyond her walls ever again. And yet she hadn't even fought Laura, not really, and now Laura was behind her walls, nestling within Kate's heart as though she'd always been there. Kate could feel herself slowly drowning in the essence of Laura and she wasn't sure she wanted to fight it. She was so tired of fighting everyone and everything. Maybe she could just let herself find peace with Laura. Just maybe.

"What are you doing awake?" Kate looked down at the amazingly blue eyes starring back up at her. Laura turned her head and softly kissed the warm, soft skin below Kate's breast. "You should still be sleeping after last night," she complained lightly, her mouth tickling Kate's skin as she spoke.

Smiling, Kate slid down the bed just enough so that her face was even with Laura's, moving in to kiss Laura's full lips even as her body turned in toward the other woman. She wanted to just pull all of Laura into her and hold her warm and safe in her arms. Sleep was clearly the last thing on Laura's mind as her hands began to wander up and down Kate's bare back.

As Kate's eyes met Laura's she saw there was nothing subtle about the look there. Rather than feeling terrified, Kate let her body relax. With firm, but gentle hands, Laura pushed Kate back until Kate was lying with her back on the bed, the momentum bringing Laura on top of her, the weight of the other woman pinning her down.

Laura began to kiss Kate, her mouth insistent and demanding. It was effortless for Kate to respond to Laura's demands, her own mouth opening to Laura's. From the back of her throat a growl began to grow and Kate tried to push up against Laura's hold, wanting to exchange their positions but the woman was stronger than she looked. She opened her eyes and saw Laura's mouth quirked into a seductive smile. "Uh huh," was all Laura said as she began to kiss down the side of Kate's neck, moving in a slow but continuous line, stopping momentarily at Kate's breasts long enough to take each nipple into her mouth before continuing down.

The sensation of Laura's mouth kissing, licking, and biting the length of her body made all thoughts of taking over leave Kate's mind. Her body was alive with sensation. She was completely helpless to stop the moans that escaped her mouth. Her hands moved up to entwine in Laura's hair, holding the other woman's head gently as her body writhed under the woman's knowing touch.

Kate didn't think about it, but if she had she would have realized that she'd never allowed any woman to simply explore her body like this. Sex had always been about control and Kate had never relinquished that control to anyone. Yes, it had been a give and take, but only as much as Kate allowed it to be. Laura was taking her so far beyond her own experience that Kate didn't know if she could find her way back. She wasn't sure that she wanted to.

Laura's mouth reached Kate's hipbone and as she nipped on Kate's smooth skin, her hips moved quickly off the bed. "Laura!" Kate whispered fiercely and Laura knew exactly what her lover needed at that moment. She lowered her mouth between Kate's legs, exploring everything she found until she found the area that needed the most attention. With slow, deliberate strokes of her tongue, Laura caused Kate's whole world to shake until she finally felt the rise of her orgasm wash over her, burning everything in its wake.

With trembling arms Kate pulled Laura back up until she was laying on top of her, their bodies pressed together. Taking Laura's face into her hands, she kissed first her eyelids, then her cheeks, before reaching Laura's lips. With passion she hadn't even known she'd possessed, Kate's mouth explored Laura's as her hands explored her body. She pushed her leg between Laura's and bent her knee, firmly placing her thigh against Laura's center.

"You are amazing," Kate whispered pulling away from Laura's lips, the brief loss of contact causing Laura to moan. Slowly and surely, Kate rolled them both over so that she was on top of Laura, her body melding into Laura's. With her leg still between Laura's, Kate slowly rubbed the length of her entire body against Laura, causing her to writhe against Kate's body.

"God, Kate!" Laura moan, her eyes shut as she allowed her body to simply respond to the other woman's attentions.

Kate dipped her head down, placing her lips against Laura's ear. "Open your eyes for me," Kate whispered just before she nibbled gently down Laura's neck. Lifting her head, Kate's dark eyes searched Laura's open eyes. She could see the need, the desire in Laura's eyes. Adjusting her body so that she was laying on one side of Laura's body, Kate propped her head up with one hand as her other hand began to caress Laura's body. "I want you to watch while I touch you," Kate said, leaning in to kiss Laura's sweet lips. Her tongue lightly traced the other woman's lips before gently sucking them into her mouth. "I want you to watch, Laura. Watch everything I do and know that I'm the one doing it to you." Their eyes met again as Kate's hand cupped Laura's breast, tugging gently on the woman's taunt nipple.

Laura's body responded, her back arching into Kate's touch, her eyes closing automatically as sensations of pleasure travelled through her.

"No, Laura, watch." Kate waited until Laura's blue eyes were once again open, watching and waiting. This time it was Kate's mouth that pulled at Laura's nipple. However, Laura was able to keep her eyes open, watching as the dark-haired woman took her nipple into her mouth and sucked.

Even as she increased the pressure of her mouth, Kate's hand travelled down the other woman's body directly between her legs. Her fingers quickly slid into Laura's wetness. "Yes, Kate, please," Laura begged as Kate explored the wetness to find her clit. "God, don't stop!"

Lifting her head from Laura's breast, Kate's eyes reflected the fierce passion they were both feeling. "Never," she growled softly before lowering her head once again. Kate had absolutely no intention to stop as the movement of their bodies caused waves of pleasure to crash through her own body. As Laura came against her hand, Kate felt herself pushed over the edge completely and even as they convulsed against each other, Kate's fingers slipped into Laura causing her to buck against Kate's hands in quick, deep motions.

Unsure of where one's pleasure ended and the other's began, time seemed to stop, the moment completely lost in the basic connectivity they felt as they opened to the intensity of their physical pleasure. The only sounds around them were the sounds of their hard breathing as they melted into one another and allowed the feelings to consume them. Nothing else mattered in the world and some how that was exactly as it should be.

Only as their bodies began to quiet did Kate settle down beside Laura, kissing the woman's lips softly, before nestling against her body and falling back to sleep.

Chapter Fifteen

It was the phone that woke Kate this time.

"Hello?" Kate heard Laura's voice, hoarse with sleep. "Hi baby."

Something inside Kate clenched when she heard the endearment. Throughout the night and the morning, thoughts of Laura's boyfriend had left Kate's mind. But now it all came tumbling back into focus. She rolled away from the warm, awake woman next to her, earning a frown from Laura as she did. Getting up, she began to look for her clothes.

"Brandy's mom's taking you both to the mall?" Kate felt ashamed of her thoughts. It wasn't the boyfriend, it was the kid. She'd made a fool out of herself assuming that it was the boyfriend, she couldn't just go back to laying in bed with Laura now. She continued to look for her clothes, trying not to listen to the phone conversation. "No..no..that's fine, let me talk to Mrs. Capshaw for a second. Darla? You sure you don't mind taking them both? Okay, that's fine. What time do you think you'll be dropping her off? Uh huh, okay. Sounds good, thanks, Darla." Laura gently hung up the phone. Kate tried to avoid the gaze she knew was focused on her.

"Kate, I really want to explain something to you." Laura's voice was serious, as if she could sense Kate's sudden discomfort.

Pulling her pants out from under the bed, Kate stood up, half-naked, and looked at Laura. She fought a desperate desire to just grab her clothes and run, feeling that she owed Laura to listen to what she had to say. "Okay," she said sitting on the bed carefully.

Looking at the other woman, Laura was instantly distracted by the expanse of skin she saw. Perfect, smooth, and, she knew, incredibly soft skin. She imagined running her hands over that skin, then her mouth. It took all her effort to stay where she was standing on the other side of the bed. Mentally shaking her head, she closed her eyes to clear her mind from the lascivious thoughts she was having. Opening them again, she looked into Kate's face and saw that all emotion had been removed, leaving her face like that of a beautiful, stone statue. "I want to explain about Brent."

If Laura had thought Kate's face had looked like stone before she spoke, she'd been wrong, terribly wrong. Now even Kate's normally expressive and warm brown eyes were empty of anything even resembling emotion or life. Kate gave a short, humorless laugh. "Yes, I guess we should talk about your boyfriend."

"Kate, it's not what you think." Laura moved around the bed, trying to get closer to Kate, but when she reached her, there was such coldness emanating from the other woman that Laura almost didn't touch her. But she had to. Reaching for Kate's hand, Laura almost expected Kate to pull away, but she didn't. She sat there, still as death, even as Laura's warm hand encased her own. "Brent is not my boyfriend. We just let everyone think that. He's...well, he's gay. And he's terrified of people knowing."

Kate felt like she'd been slapped. "Wait a minute...you're his...beard?" Her voice was incredulous.

"Yes, I guess that's what it's called." Laura rushed to explain. "He's terrified of people finding out. We let people thing we're a couple because then they leave him alone. He comes over and stays once or twice a week, in the guest room, and people just assume things."

"So you're not..." Kate fought off a desperate desire to laugh loudly, in relief and other feelings that she didn't have names for.

"No, we're not sleeping together. I guarantee you, that's the last thing either of us think about!" Laura watched as something inside Kate seemed to change and life returned to her face and eyes. And she realized that she never wanted to see that again. "I'm sorry, Kate. I would have explained earlier, but I hadn't thought about it. It's almost become a routine. Caitlyn loves him, but she knows that he and I are just good friends."

Kate leaned in and kissed Laura softly. "I'm sorry, I guess I just..." she couldn't even begin to describe the feelings she'd had, or the hurt she'd felt. There just weren't enough words to describe that panic that set in the moment her mother had mentioned the man's name or when she'd heard Laura on the phone. "I'm sorry."

Softly cupping Kate's face with her hands, Laura kissed Kate, letting her lips tell the woman more than her words ever could. Kate forgot her efforts to get dressed as she let herself get lost in the other woman.

Chapter Sixteen

Kate left Laura's house in the late afternoon, before Caitlyn got there. Laura told her that she didn't have to leave, but Kate felt that she did. She wasn't sure how she felt about Caitlyn coming home and finding her there. Plus, Kate's mind was pushing her to put some space between her and Laura. Around Laura she just couldn't think about anything but being with her, holding her close, kissing her sweet lips. Space, she definitely needed space!

Space to think, space to figure out what the hell she was feeling. No, she knew what she was feeling and that scared the shit out of her. Kate thought about it all as she walked through the backdoor of her mother's house. Her heart was clear about what she was feeling for Laura - she as in love with Laura. But her mind - her mind had blinking red lights posted, warning her to stop and leave before things got more serious. "Ha, like last night wasn't serious," she said under her breath. Who was she fooling?

"Uh huh, there you are." Elaine's voice startled Kate.

"Hi, mom." She avoided looking her mother in the face.

"I hope you know what you're doing."

This startled Kate enough to meet her mother's eyes. "What do you mean?"

"I know you too well, Kate, no matter how hard you've always tried to hide. I know you've spent your life going from one woman to the next and I know you never loved any of them." Crossing her arms in front of her body, Elaine glared at her daughter. Kate wasn't sure she'd ever seen her mother actually glare, at least not at her.

"How do you-"

Elaine interrupted her with a soft snort. "I'm your mother, but I'm not blind. And when you came walking through that door just now, I saw a look on your face I've never seen before."

Kate felt herself beginning to scowl at her mother. "What look was that?"

"Love."

This was not a discussion that Kate wanted to have with her mother. "Mom, listen, I really don't want to talk about this."

"Oh, I know you don't. But someone has to watch out for Laura. Her own parents aren't here to do it."

Kate laughed softly in disbelief. "So you're going to watch out for her?" Maybe the protective nature she'd always had ran in her family. She couldn't' believe her mother was standing here, not only intruding on her love life, but protecting the very woman she loved.

"Don't hurt her, Katie. Don't you dare!"

Kate moved toward her mother and gave her a quick hug. "I'm going to do everything in my power to keep from hurting her, don't you worry."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hey, mom!" Caitlyn screamed as she slammed the front door closed. "Sorry," she said when she realized she'd done the very thing her mother told her not to do a million times.

Laura smiled and just shook her head at her daughter's energy. Even as her lips turned up, she felt how bruised they were. She hadn't kissed anyone in a long time and she knew she'd never before been kissed the way that Kate had kissed her. "Hey baby, I'm glad you're home! How was the sleepover and mall?"

"It was fun! Can we go to the mall later, mom?" Caitlyn hugged her mom carelessly as she continued to talk. "They have the new Bratz doll and I want to get it with my money."

"We'll see," Laura replied, hugging her daughter back.

"Aww, when you say 'we'll see' that means no!" Caitlyn's lower lip drew out and a very cute pout formed on her face.

"No, it means we'll see. I seem to remember someone promised me they'd clear their room when they got home from the sleepover."

"Argh, mom!"

"Go, work on your room and we'll have dinner in a little while."

Caitlyn began to stomp up the stairs and Laura let her. Her daughter probably wouldn't clean her room once she was up there, she was easily distracted from tasks she didn't want to do.

"Stop pouting," Laura called up.

"I'm not pouting!" Caitlyn yelled back down.

Laughing to herself, Laura went back to her office where her latest story was open on her laptop. Once Kate left, Laura had tried to get lost in the story, but just couldn't. Truthfully, all she could think about was Kate. She'd wanted Kate to stay, but she could see the trapped look in the other woman's dark eyes. Instinctively she realized that she couldn't push Kate into staying because it would backfire on her. She had to let Kate leave, hoping that she'd come back. Part of Laura wanted to run after Kate and beg her to come back. But she wasn't going to do that, she wasn't going to beg. She was going to let the other woman realize what Laura had always known.

Starring at the screen, Laura allowed her mind to play over the events of the night before. She was amazed that Kate hadn't run away from her, amazed that Kate had finally allowed herself to just feel and respond. Shivering, Laura's body responded as her mind replayed everything. There were many things she'd imagined, but never something as wonderful as Kate's body under hers or on top of hers or next to hers. It was everything she'd always wanted, always imagined, and yet somehow even more.

Laura knew that she scared Kate - scared her because she made Kate feel more than she wanted to. This made her realize that she would have to be patient with Kate, allowing her to come to her in her own time, allowing her to feel her emotions fully on her own. To push Kate into anything would be to push her away.

Smiling to herself, Laura never felt so confident. She knew exactly what she wanted and she was going to make sure that she did nothing to scare the older woman away. This was a task she could perform and one that she would gladly be patient about. Kate was worth everything that Laura would have to do, including the painful waiting. Most importantly, Laura knew that she wasn't going to let Kate get away from her.

With that thought, Laura got up to make dinner.

Chapter Seventeen

Kate tried to stay away, she really did. She tried to keep her thoughts away from the woman next door, but every other minute her mind was wandering back there, back to Laura. It wasn't even twenty-four hours after she left that she found herself standing at Laura's door, her finger having pressed the doorbell. She really wasn't even aware of the thought that finally took her to Laura's front door, her hand ready to ring the doorbell. Almost as though her mind were working for itself, totally betraying her hard earned dignity.

"Hi," Caitlyn opened the door and smiled up at Kate, a smile that reminded her singularly of the girl's mother.

"Hi yourself," Kate replied, smiling back at the girl. "Is your mom home?" She almost added and can she come out to play, but managed to refrain.

"Mom!!" Caitlyn yelled, turning away from the door completely while running down the hall. "Mom, that lady from next door is here!"

Kate wasn't sure she should step into the house and close to the door, or just stand there and wait.

"Hi, Kate," Laura came out of a room off the hallway and all thoughts left Kate. She just watched as the other woman walked toward her, unable to think or focus. Laura leaned in and kissed Kate gently on the mouth. The kiss acted as a shock to Kate's system, forcing her consciousness back.

"Hi, Laura." Dammit! She was on the verge of blushing just from a kiss! This was becoming too much.

"Come in, it's okay." Laura watched the indecision on Kate's face and secretly loved that her kiss could make the woman so flustered. Pretending not to notice, Laura held the door as Kate walked into the house. Kate seemed uncomfortable as stood in Laura's hall. Taking Kate's hand in hers, Laura led the other woman down the hall into the kitchen. "Want something to drink?"

Kate nodded, not sure if her voice would work.

"Tea, coffee, water, soda?" Laura's voice was light, but Kate knew the woman was teasing her. She really had to regain some composure here.

"Water would be fine, thank you." There! She'd spoken and sounded pretty smooth. At least her voice wasn't quaking as much as her insides were.

"Please, sit down." Laura indicated the kitchen table as she went to fetch the water. Setting the glass down in front of Kate, Laura sat down next to Kate, turning her body so that their knees were touching. "I'm glad you came by."

Taking a sip, Kate felt some of her composure slid back into place. "You are, huh?" She quirked an eyebrow as the looked at the other woman.

"Yes, I am. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you."

Well, there it was. That was really the reason that Kate had come by - she hadn't been able to think of anything other than Laura. This had to get better, right? Eventually she'd be able to focus enough to at least get some work done, right? Leaning into Laura's leg, Kate smiled. She couldn't help it. She was here and she wasn't going to deny the draw. There was simply no point. "I've been having the problem myself."

"I haven't been able to get any work done," Laura's hand reached out and gently took hold of Kate's. "I'm really glad you're here."

Those blue eyes searched Kate's face and Kate found herself just starring for a long moment. Using her thumb, she caressed the back of Laura's hand. "I couldn't stay away any longer." As though in agreement, both women leaned into each other, their mouth's meeting, hesitant at first before giving into the kiss completely.

"Eww, mom!" Caitlyn stood in the doorway, her face scrunched up. Kate felt like she'd been caught in a crime, she pulled away from Laura so fast that Laura had to brace herself to keep from falling forward. "Kissing is so gross!"

"Just wait a few more years, young lady!" Laura stuck out her tongue at her daughter, who returned the gesture.

Kate searched Laura's face to see if they'd done something wrong. She'd never dated anyone with kids, she wasn't sure how this worked.

"Kissing will always be gross!" Caitlyn crossed the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. "I'm hungry."

Laura looked at her watch. "Listen, dinner will be in a few more hours." She got up and stood behind her daughter, gazing into the fridge. "How about some grapes?"

"Can I take them into the family room while I watch tv? Please?"

"Okay, but if you have any runaway grapes, I expect you to chase them down."

"'kay!" Laura helped her daughter get a bunch of grapes onto a plate. Caitlyn grabbed the plate and ran out of the room.

Laura turned her attention to Kate as though sensing the woman's discomfort. "It's okay, Kate."

"She caught us making out like teenagers!" She even sounded horrified to herself.

Laura laughed gently, then sat back down, scooting closer to Kate's chair. "You kind of make me feel like one, but we're not teenagers. We're adults. We can kiss in the kitchen if we want to."

Kate was still trying to process the idea of Laura's daughter catching them. "But...she...we..." She couldn't seem to form completely thoughts to describe what her hang-up was.

"Hey," the back of Laura's hand caressed Kate's cheek. "It really is okay." There was a part of Laura that was begging Kate to relax. This was an important moment. Kate needed to understand that Caitlyn was part of the package that was Laura. She needed Kate to accept Caitlyn's presence.

Relaxing into the feeling of Laura's skin against hers, Kate closed her eyes for a moment. "I'm sorry, I just don't want to...to create something uncomfortable for you, or for her."

"Well, it's not like she caught us in bed!"

Kate's eyes flew open as she gazed in mortified horror at Laura. "Do you have a good lock on your bedroom door?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Laura needed not have worried about Kate accepting that she and Caitlyn were a package. Kate had realized that from the beginning. She also saw, after the scene in the kitchen, that she was going to have the most to learn. Kids were not something she'd ever had to really deal with. It wasn't that she didn't like them or that they didn't like her, but that she simply wasn't used to them. Kate wasn't the kind of person to let the unknown scare her. If she had been, she'd have never left all those years ago, she'd have never worked for an unknown company right after college, and she certainly would have never earned the nickname "the Cougar".

To confront this unknown variable head on, she invited Laura and Caitlyn out to dinner that night. Fear was also something that was foreign to Kate, and Laura recognized the gesture for what it was.

The three of them ended up going to a local family restaurant. The Midwest didn't have the diners of the east, or the sushi bars of the west. But there were those family restaurants that could always be counted on when push came to shove.

Caitlyn insisted that they sit in a booth at the restaurant and neither Laura nor Kate minded. The two women sat together on one side, letting Caitlyn have the other side to herself. She immediately had both legs under her, kneeling on the bench seat. The ten-year old seem to understand that she had full control over both women. When the waitress left, Caitlyn grabbed her menu and stood it in front of her, open so that she could read it. What she didn't see was that Kate did almost the same thing, studying the menu intently so that no one would expect conversation out of her.

"Laura, what are you going to order?" Laura said out loud. "I don't know, Laura, what are you going to order?"

"Mom, stop talking to yourself!" Caitlyn looked around the side of her menu, in full, almost-teenager embarrassment mode.

Kate locked eyes with Caitlyn and together they rolled their eyes. It was all that Laura could do not to laugh out loud. If they wanted to bond through making fun of her, she could definitely handle that.

"She do that a lot?" Kate asked Caitlyn.

"Yes, she does!" Caitlyn's voice contained very adult exasperation. Leaning across the table, she whispered "It's worse when we're at the mall."

Kate leaned toward Caitlyn, whispering back. "I went to the mall with her once, I know what you mean!" They grinned at each other before turning back to their menus. There was a part of Kate that seemed to completely understand the ten year old. Maybe, she mused to herself, it was her inner child. She'd heard the expression before, but had always refused to acknowledge that she could have an inner child. Maybe she did have one and it was just waiting for another child to coax it out.

Chapter Eighteen

Laura woke up and it was dark. She was on her side with an arm across her stomach, holding her tightly against a warm body whose length was pressed against her. Smiling to herself, she turned slowly so that she was on her back then carefully snaked an arm under the neck of the woman sleeping next to her. In her sleep, Kate simply adjusted to the new position, her head nestling into the apex of Laura's shoulder. With her free hand, Laura brushed some of Kate's long dark hair away from her face. There was something absolutely magical about that moment for Laura.

The dinner with Caitlyn had gone better than she could have hoped for. The three of them went back to Laura's house after. They spent the night watching TV, with Laura and Kate on the sofa while Caitlyn bounced around the room from floor, to chair, to sofa. Then ten year old didn't seem phased at all by Kate being there when she went to bed. But then again, Laura hadn't thought her daughter would. Even Kate relaxed into the evening as she acknowledge Caitlyn's simple acceptance of her. And after Caitlyn had gone to bed, she had led Laura up to the master bedroom and carefully locked the door behind them.

For a long moment, Laura just looked at Kate. It had been a very long time since she'd shared her bed with anyone. It should have felt strange to have someone sleeping with her at night, but it didn't. Nothing about Kate seemed foreign to Laura's life. Even the woman being here, in her bed, naked, seemed completely natural.

"Oh hell," she said softly to herself before moving even closer to Kate. With slow, deliberate movements, Laura began to kiss down Kate's jaw line. By the time she got to Kate's lips, the older woman was clearly awake as she reacted to Laura's persistent, but light kisses. It was inevitable that the seemingly innocent kisses would lead to something else as the warmth began to grow in both women, threatening to spill out of them and wash over the entire bed.

Growling softly, Kate's hands began to travel over Laura's body. "Didn't anyone ever tell you to let sleeping creatures lie?" She whispered between kisses.

"I can let you go back to sleep. If you really want to," Laura's voice was that of complete innocence.

"Oh no, little lady, you've already woken the creature. Too late to turn back now!" With a louder growl, Kate began to show Laura just what that meant. Laughter that had bubbled from Laura quickly turned to other sounds as she gave into the pleasure Kate offered without hesitation.

Much later, as they both drifted back to sleep, the haze of their lovemaking settled over them, Laura whispered, "I love you," into the night, hoping that Kate would hear it.

"I love you, too," Kate whispered back, tightening her hold on Laura's body even as she fell asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Love had an interesting affect on Kate. It motivated her like nothing had in a very long time.

When she'd come back to Jackson she hadn't really had a plan, she just knew that she needed to start over. She'd completed both her undergraduate and graduate work in business at UC Berkeley and had been recruited right from school to work for CTI, which had been a small, homegrown company at the time. For twelve years she had work for CTI, developing it, pushing it, and eventually becoming a vice president there. When she left, she really didn't know where she'd end up.

That had been almost three months ago. Kate reflected about the fact that for almost three months she'd done nothing worthwhile, falling in love with Laura being the exception to that. She'd had no plan, only coming home. Falling in love definitely hadn't been part of any plan, but here she was, in love. With the next door neighbor.

That love, that emotion, pushed Kate. She needed to do something, to have some goal in regard to work, to making money, to being useful. Using her mother's internet connection, Kate began to do research and make plans. She finally decided that did not want to return completely to the corporate world, but at the same time she didn't want to leave it behind either. Despite the happenings at CTI, Kate was still a well known name in some circles. It was time to begin to use that name she'd made for herself.

In her bedroom, in her mother's house, Kate knew it was time to move forward. Putting her computer aside, Kate reached for her cell phone. Taking deep breath, she scrolled through her phone numbers, found the one she wanted, and hit send.

"Jamie, this is Kate Watson. I want to talk to you about putting together a website for me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Mom, you didn't put my sandwich in my lunch!"

"Huh?" Laura was pulled from the kitchen window, where'd she'd been staring out, not focusing on anything, just lost in thought. She tried to focus on her daughter.

Holding up a sandwich, Caitlyn waved it at her mother. "You didn't put my sandwich in my lunch."

"Where did I put it then?"

"You put it back in the fridge!"

Laura laughed softly at herself. "Sorry, babe."

"You're just lucky I checked my lunch before I left!" Caitlyn put the offending sandwich into her brown lunch bag. Grabbing her backpack, Caitlyn gave her mother a quick, one armed hug.

"I'm very lucky, indeed! Have a good day at school!" She yelled as her daughter rushed out to meet the bus. Smiling to herself, Laura picked up her coffee cup. She took a drink, making a face when she realized her coffee had gone cold - again. Putting the cup in the microwave, she began to reheat her coffee for the second time that morning.

Just looking around the kitchen, everything seemed to remind her of Kate. She couldn't seem to focus on anything else, which amused her to no end. "So, this is what being in love is like," she mused quietly to herself. Shaking her head, she couldn't keep the smile of her face, no matter how hard she tried. It felt wonderful, even though it was all consuming and she couldn't seem to escape it even for a moment.

She wondered what Kate was doing right at that moment. It wasn't even 8 am. Was she sleeping? Was she awake? What was she doing? Laura wished she could just sneak next door and see. With a sigh, she realized that she had to draw the line somewhere. Taking the now warm coffee cup from the microwave, Laura shuffled to her office, determined to get some work done in the hope that she could spend the evening with Kate.

Chapter Nineteen

Spring made the slow transition into summer. The days and nights grew warmer and more humid. When people think of the Midwest, they don't necessarily think of the heat, but it does get hot in the Midwest, hot enough to cause asphalt to buckle from time to time.

It was an exceptionally hot day and Kate and Caitlyn were sitting outside on Laura's patio in the shade of the house. Kate had come over late in the afternoon after a hard day of working on her new project. Caitlyn had just finished school for the summer the day before and already was begging to be entertained by the adults around her. One thing that Kate realized that she hadn't missed when she'd lived on the west coast was the humidity. The humidity in Wisconsin was sometimes almost painful and there were days when Kate felt like she was swimming through the air. Not to mention all the bugs that seemed to thrive on the humid warmth of both the days and the nights.

"Got one!" She cried triumphantly, holding her fist up in victory.

"Gross!" Caitlyn said, scrunching her nose. "Now you've got bug guts all over your hand!"

Scrunching her own nose, Kate carefully opened her fist. "Shit!" Her eyes grew large as she looked at Caitlyn. "I mean, shoot!"

Caitlyn just laughed. "Don't worry, I've heard mom say that plenty of times."

"Heard mom say what plenty of times?" Laura asked as she came out into the backyard carrying glasses of iced tea. She passed the glasses around, looking from her daughter to her lover in curiosity.

"Nothing!" Kate said, as she tried to wipe one hand on the grass while holding her iced tea in the other. Caitlyn just laughed, doubling over as she did, spilling iced tea on the ground.

"Cat, be careful!" Her mother admonished, grabbing the glass before the girl could spill anymore.

"She's got bug guts on her hand!" Caitlyn wheezed, her laughing fit starting all over again.

Kate narrowed her eyes at the ten year old before surreptitiously wiping the very hand in question on the girl's arm. Caitlyn stopped mid laugh, her eyes large. "Ewww!! Kate! That's SO gross!" Kate started laughing as the girl got up and began doing some kind of weird jiggling dance, as though she could shake the bug guts off her.

"I can't leave you two alone for a minute, I swear!" Laura exclaimed, sitting down carelessly on the patio chair. Two sets of eyes looked at her, both pleading innocence. "You should both go inside and clean off the bug guts." Grumbling, they both did just that and Laura couldn't help but laugh to herself. It was amazing the way Kate acted around Caitlyn. The two of them got along better than Laura could have hoped.

"Mom, is Kate staying for dinner?" Caitlyn asked when she came back out. She accepted her glass of iced tea back from her mother and began to drink.

"If she wants to."

"Cool, can she sit next to me?"

Her mother's instinct was immediately aroused. "Why?" She asked suspiciously.

Caitlyn looked into the back door to make sure that the tall woman wasn't there and then leaned over and whispered to her mother, "I want to see if I can take her fork and spoon when she's not looking."

Raising one eyebrow, Laura looked at her daughter. "And the purpose of that would be?"

"Because it's fun, duh!" Caitlyn leaned back into her chair, swinging her feet in front of her.

Kate came back outside and stood behind Laura, her arms resting on Laura's shoulders. Turning her face, Laura rubbed her check against the other woman's warm arms, enjoying the scent of her and the feel of her skin. "Honey, Caitlyn wants you to stay for dinner. How does that sound?"

"Sounds wonderful," Kate leaned down and nuzzled Laura's neck with her mouth.

"You two are so gross!" Caitlyn gave them a disgusted look, but stayed where she was. She'd already adjusted to the two women showing affecting, and she didn't like it, but at the same time she didn't hate it. Plus, she really liked Kate. She could deal with her mother being gross if that meant Kate was going to stay around.

"Laura! Cait? Anyone home?" A masculine voice came calling around from the front of the house.

"Brent!!!" Caitlyn screeched, tipping over the iced tea that remained in her glass as she hurried out of her chair and flew around the side of the house.

Laura felt Kate stiffen behind her. She patted the other woman's arm in reassurance. Caitlyn came back into view, dragging behind her a youngish man. As Kate got her first glimpse of the infamous Brent, she felt herself getting upset all over again. She knew the story, and she knew she had nothing to be jealous of, but at the same time, the entire town thought that Brent was sleeping with her lover.

When she'd dragged him to the patio area, Caitlyn finally dropped Brent's hand and stood there, smiling at all the adults. Here they were, all her favorite people in one spot. "Mom, can Brent stay for dinner too?"

Laura gave her daughter an exasperated but fond look. "He is more than welcome to stay if he'd like." Kate had moved away from Laura so that they were no longer touching and Laura missed the other woman's touch desperately. But she understood this wasn't going to be easy. "Hi, Brent," she looked up and smiled at him. He gave her a sweet smile in return, his brown eyes as open and honest as always.

"Hey Laura," he said as he sat down in a chair. "Wow, what a hot day, huh?" He turned his smile to Kate. "You must be Kate."

Kate smiled in retune automatically, without realizing the predatory nature of that smile. "Hi, Brent. Yes, I'm Kate." It was almost as though something within her had changed, and even as Laura watched, she saw it. The softness her lover possessed was gone instead everything was smooth angles and edges. It was a total transformation.

"I've been working on getting end of the year grades in, but Laura's told me a lot about you." He kept his gaze on Kate, his face growing serious. "She told me that she told you about me, too."

He was nervous, Kate realized suddenly. And not because of who she was, but because of what she knew. There was a moment when she realized that she could destroy him, destroy his life. That kind of power was addicting and Kate knew that addiction well. Just as she was about to reply, something out of the side of her eye caught her attention. She shifted her gaze and saw Laura looking at her. And instantly, Kate realized that she didn't want to do that. She didn't want to verbally eviscerate this man standing before her, she didn't want that kind of life anymore.

Laura gazed back at her, her eyes full of confidence - confidence in Kate. Kate knew then that Laura had caught her attention on purpose, to remind her of her new life, of her new beginnings. Laura knew that Kate had lost focus and that Kate had forgotten for an instant what she had put behind her. Laura knew her, that's what Kate realized. That thought was almost a physical hit that made Kate want to both run away and cry in relief.

Seeing the emotions running through her lover, Laura stood and held her hand out to her. Kate took her hand, and together they turned to Brent. "You have nothing to fear from me, Brent," Kate said in reassurance, her voice husky with pent up emotion. "Please, stay and have dinner with us."

Chapter Twenty

Not having been prepared for two more for dinner, Laura ended up ordering pizza for everyone. Laura and Kate sat next to each other on one side of the table; their chair's close enough that Laura was able to hook foot around Kate's ankle, loving the touch of the other woman. Brent and Caitlyn sat on the other side. While they ate, Caitlyn really ruled the conversation, drawing each of the adults in with questions and comments. Laura could only shake her head at her daughter's gift to gab. Once she'd finished her pizza, Laura sent Caitlyn upstairs to take a bath and get ready for bed. After the usual protests, Caitlyn went up; making sure that the adults heard her on every stair.

There was an uncomfortable silence after Caitlyn left. Laura took a quick sip of her wine before looking at Brent. "You could just come out, you know."

Having the grace to blush, Brent avoided looking her in the eyes. "I figured this meant we'd have to change our arrangement."

It was really hard, but Kate managed not to make a sound. She just watched the two of them talk.

"The world's different now. You don't have to come out if you don't want to, but you certainly don't have to pretend to be something you're not."

"The world may be different, Laura, but Jackson is still the same." With his glass, he pointed to Kate. "Just look at what's happened since she's come back to town."

"Wait a minute, don't pull me into this!" Kate put up her hands up in protest. "This is about you, not me."

Brent looked at her. "You know, this town either loves to hate you or hates to love you, Kate. Since you've been back in town, I've heard just where Jackson stands when it comes to people who are gay."

"It's not like I'm the only gay person this town has produced!"

"No, but you're the one who left and made a name for herself. You're the one who surprised them all."

Laura snorted quietly in response. "He's right about that."

"What does that mean?" Kate was honestly confused.

"Well, first off, the town had no clue you were a lesbian until you and Sara got into that huge fight and you left town. Then, no one heard from you for forever until all of sudden you were in the financial news, making it big in California." Laura reached out and took Kate's hand in her own, kissing it gently but not releasing it. "It's funny; the only person who wasn't surprised was Jack."

"Jack?" Brent asked.

"Jack Shaw. He and Kate were in the same class in high school." Laura smiled at Kate before turning her attention back to Brent. "I guess you could almost say I'm your Jack Shaw."

It was Kate's turn to laugh. "I was never dating him."

"Maybe not, but the whole town thought you were."

The three of them laughed and the previous tension eased away. For Kate it was Laura's touch that took away the strain. As long as Laura was touching her, no matter where she was touching her, Kate had a hard time being the very person she was used to being around other people. Tucking that thought away, Kate knew it was something to be examined later.

As their laughter died down, Brent look sadly at his glass of wine. "I don't know. I just don't know if I can be out at all and not be looking over my shoulder all the time."

"The school can't fire you for being gay, Brent."

"Kate's right, they can't do that. That would violate their own non-discrimination policy, not to mention give you grounds to sue."

"No, they couldn't out right fire me, but they could start looking for other reasons to get rid of me." He looked up and gave the two women a boyish smile. "But I realize that we're going to have to break up, Laura. I'm sorry, I just cannot be your boyfriend anymore."

"No more pajama parties?"

"Nope."

"No more pillow fights?"

"Nope."

"No more midnight margaritas?"

Brent's smile grew. "Now wait a minute, I never say no to free booze!" They all laughed and together lifted their wine glasses.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Thank you." Her head on Kate's bare chest, Laura could hear the other woman's heart beat as she spoke. She was laying half on Kate, half on the bed.

"Hmmm..." Kate said in reply.

Laura lifted her head so that she could look into Kate's dark eyes. "Really, I know what it took to welcome Brent and to be nice to him. It really means a lot to me."

Getting lost in Laura's eyes, Kate wondered if Laura really did understand what it had taken for her not to crush Brent. Did she know that she was playing with fire, that Kate was not used to curbing herself for anyone?

Lifting a hand, Kate ran her fingers through the hair that framed Laura's face, brushing it back and then watching it as she let it slide against her skin. Internally she took a deep breath and let it out slowly before looking back into Laura's eyes. When she did though she saw something she'd never really noticed before. There was something in Laura's face that told Kate that yes, she knew. She knew exactly what she was dealing with and she knew exactly who Kate was, inside and out. The thought scared Kate, like so much about Laura scared her and she once again fought the desire to just run -- run and not look back. Never had anyone made Kate feel like the deer in the headlights. It was normally the other way around. And Kate wasn't sure how to process it or how to proceed. The only thing she knew was that she was desperate to keep Laura, desperate to trust the woman laying on her, desperate to just give her everything she had.

"I love you."

"I know." Laura replied smartly, ducking her head to gently kiss Kate's chin. "I love you, too."

Chapter Twenty-One

The summer passed by quickly. Laura and Kate spent as much time together, mostly at Laura's house, but Kate continued to keep residence at her mother's house. She worked whenever she could on her website, working long nights with James in California, hoping to be able to launch it by September. There were quite a few nights that she didn't reach Laura's house until well after both mother and daughter were asleep. On those nights, Kate would quickly undress in the darkness of Laura's room and slide silently under the covers until her body was pressed against the ball that was Laura. Upon feeling the other woman, Laura's body would uncurl and, even in her sleep, would reach out for Kate. Those nights were more valuable to Kate than any she'd ever known. Some nights she'd spend a number of moments just watching Laura sleep, enjoying the feeling of the other woman against her. Sleep would slowly claim Kate on those nights and she would fight it, wanting to stay up and just watch over the other woman. Mornings would find them so entangled that it would take long minutes to undo. Summer was blissful because there was almost no use of the alarm clock, but rather the two women would sleep until Caitlyn came knocking on the door, demanding to be fed.

"You know, when school starts, this is all gonna change," Laura said on one such morning, her face against the pillow, muffling her voice.

"Uh huh," Kate mumbled, nestling her head against Laura's back, ignoring Caitlyn's sing-song protest from outside the bedroom door.

Lifting her head as much as she could with the other woman's body pressed against her, Laura yelled, "Caitlyn, go get yourself some cereal!"

"Mom! It's almost 11 o'clock! What about swimming lessons?" Caitlyn yelled back. Even in her sleepy stupor, Kate grinned because mother and daughter sounded so much alike.

"You don't need to know how to swim anymore!" Laura yelled back in futile protest.

"Moooom!!"

She couldn't help herself anymore, Kate began to snicker. Laura turned her cornflower blue eyes on her, glaring. "You hush! Unless you want to take her!"

"Hey munchkin, get ready for swim lessons. We'll hit Dunkin Donuts on the way!" Kate yelled out, leaping out of bed before Laura could swat at her. They could hear the sounds of Caitlyn running around to get ready.

"You are a brat!"

"Yeah, and you love it!" Kate pulled her clothes on quickly. She leaned down to kiss the still sleepy woman. "I love your morning breath, by the way!" She ran out the door to the sounds of Laura's screeching protest.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was early evening of that same day before Kate had a chance to sit down and begin to do some more work with James on her website. Her mother was at one of her various committee meetings and Kate was feeling ultra causal in a pair of cutoffs and a tank top. She padded around the kitchen, her laptop and cell phone on the table, her Bluetooth allowing her to move freely throughout the room without care.

"James, I really hate that picture you've put up. I told you that I wanted a professional looking woman working at a computer and you've given me a casual woman sitting there on her laptop! I can see her bare feet, for Christ's sake!"

James laughed into her ear in response.

"I'm glad you're so tickled about seeing this woman's feet, but I'm not. Change it, please."

She listened as the techno geek verbally talked himself through the paces of changing the picture. Finally he told her to refresh her page. She did and a different picture came up.

"Much better, James. Did you get that new text I sent you? Okay, that sounds good. I'll touch base with you in a few days then. Call if you need anything else. Okay, bye." As her phone hung up, she took the blinking bud out of her ear, glad to be done with it. She both loved and hated modern technology. Sitting at her laptop, she quickly got lost in thought as she surfed through what would soon be her public site. James had actually outdone himself. The site was easy on the eyes, while still looking extremely professional.

After reviewing all of her abilities and assets and weighing them against the kind of time she didn't want to put into her career, she decided that she would offer her services as a consultant. To market herself, she and James had been working on a stellar website. Once it was done and up, she would begin to let former business associates know what she was doing. She knew that there were plenty of companies who would pay for her help. By acting as a consultant she could take the jobs she wanted and reject those she didn't, and she could make her own hours.

Lost in her work, the sound of the doorbell startled her. Looking at the computer's clock, she saw that it was almost 10pm. Her body was a bit stiff after having sat hunched over her laptop for a number of hours. Reaching the front door, her mind briefly fluttered over the thought of who could be at the door. Laura didn't ring the bell, she usually came in the back door. Same with Caitlyn. Opening the front door, she realized she could never have guessed correctly.

"Sara." Something inside Kate tugged softly when she saw the woman she'd thought about for so long standing on her mother's front stoop.

"Hi, Kate. Sorry it's so late." Sara smiled hesitantly, her green eyes searching Kate's face, looking for what, Kate didn't know.

"No, it's okay. Come on in." Kate's manners took over for her surprise. "I was just finishing some work."

"I can come back another time..." Sara let her voice trail off. Apparently her manners were in tact too.

"No, it's okay. Come in. Would you like something to drink? Coffee? Tea?" Kate led them through the living room into the brightly lit kitchen.

"Tea would be wonderful, thank you."

"Go ahead, take a seat. It'll just take a minute to get the water started."

Sara sat down at the table as Kate bustled around, putting a kettle of water on and preparing two cups with tea bags ready for the hot water. Once she'd done everything she could possible think of to ready for the tea, Kate slowly turned around to look at Sara.

She wasn't naive enough to think this was a causal visit, but she wasn't sure of the other woman's purpose either. Leaning against the counter, Kate crossed her long legs. "How have you been, Sara?"

Sara looked at her, her eyes filling with tears as her mouth quirked up in a half smile. "I've been better." She answered softly, looking down at her hands which rested in her lap.

Kate remained silently watching the woman, trying hard to reconcile the picture in her head of the girl she'd loved with the woman in front of her. Both the memory of the girl and the woman here and now were beautiful, but different. This woman had the vestiges of time and heartache all over her, whereas the girl in Kate's memory had been so free of the pain of life. For twenty years she had thought about what Sara had been doing, how she'd changed and aged. And even in all her memories, the woman in front of her was more beautiful than she could have imagined. Maybe it was the difference between the imaginary and the corporeal that allowed Kate feel this, the simple difference between dream and reality. As she looked into Sara's face, she could see the woman's flaws, the traces that age had left on her face, the silvery wisps in her hair, but to Kate that didn't do anything to deter from her beauty.

As Kate thought all of this, Sara had stood up and moved closer until their bodies were practically toughing.

"Ever since I saw you again I haven't been able to get you from my mind, Kate. When I saw you, I realized how stupid I had been when we were kids." Sara's hand came up and tentatively touched Kate's cheek. "How stupid I had been to let you go." She leaned in and began to kiss Kate.

Gently, Kate pulled away from Sara. When Sara reached her hands out for Kate, she gently grasped them, keeping them away from her body. "I'm sorry, Sara."

"It's not too late, Kate! It's never too late for love!" Sara was sobbing now, her arms pushing against Kate's hold on them as she desperately tried to touch the other woman.

Wrapping her long arms around the crying woman, Kate held her tight, rocking her gently. "Sara, you could have had everything. I wanted a life with you so badly. That was all I wanted, just you."

"I'm sorry I was so stupid and selfish, Kate. I was afraid of you, of how passionate and sure you were. I'm sorry, Kate, but I'm ready now. I love you, Kate. I want to be with you now."

Kate laughed, a harsh laugh and pulled herself away from the other woman. "Sara, it is too late." And it really hit Kate that this was the simple truth. "I don't love you anymore. I stopped loving you, Sara, and I had to let you go."

"Why?" Sara cried, putting her hands over her face. "Why does it have to be too late?"

"Because the girl I thought I would love forever was never real. The girl I loved was strong and true, and you were neither of those things." Seeing that her words had hurt Sara, Kate tried to explain. "Please, understand! We were children, Sara! Just kids! And while we loved each other, we each had our own idea of what that love meant."

"But I'm here now, Kate. And I can be strong and I can be true. I can be everything you wanted and needed!"

Kate gave a melancholic smile. "I'm sorry, Sara. It's too late."

Two things happened at once. The tea pot on the stove began to whistle and the backdoor opened. Kate turned to take the water off the stove and heard rather than saw Laura come through the door.

"Hi," Laura said cautiously, taking in the scene of the two women standing very close, Sara still in tears. "Should I come back later?" She asked hesitantly.

Kate looked at Laura, afraid for a moment that Laura might think the wrong thing. But instead, she saw that Laura just looked concerned for Sara. Meeting Laura's eyes with her own, she couldn't help the smile that came to her face.

"Come here," Kate said, reaching out a hand to Laura. She wrapped her arms around her, holding her close, just taking in the feel and smell of her. "I'll be over in a little bit, okay?"

Laura gave her an understanding smile in return. "Take your time," she replied, indicating her full trust, infusing Kate with such wonderment that it was physically painful to release her. With a lingering look, Laura left and the kitchen seemed to grow cold.

Sara sat back down at the kitchen table, finding the tissues that Kate's mother kept by the window. Kate gave her credit for not running away when from the obvious. Pouring the hot water into the two cups she'd prepared earlier, Kate set one down in front of Sara. She brought over the milk and sugar before sitting down with her own steaming cup.

Sara gave a sarcastic laugh. "I guess I'm just too late, huh?" Putting a spoon into her cup, she stirred the darkening liquid.

"I'm sorry, Sara. I didn't mean to cause you any pain." It was ironic to Kate that she was finally discovering she had a sensitive side.

Sara's eyes were dry as she met Kate's. "No, I think I did it all to myself." She reached out and squeezed Kate's hand before rising. "I think I should let myself out. Thank you, Kate, for not throwing me out on my ass."

Kate stood as well, in ways feeling helpless to do anything to assuage Sara's obvious pain. "Maybe we can be friends."

Sara gave her a fleeting smile that held a ghostly trace of the girl she had once been. "I don't know, Kate. Maybe."

Continued in Part 2