Chapter 7
I awake to the sound of a sliding glass door opening and shutting and a loud, breathless "Jesus, Sarah." I'm disoriented for a moment and then recall why I'm laying on the chaise lounge in my childhood home's backyard.
"Oh shit. Hey Cole. Sorry. I..." I stop there not sure what kind of explanation I can give that doesn't sound utterly stupid. I look beyond him and into the very relieved faces of my sister-in-law and Kate and some guy I don't recognize. With the presence of Kate, I know I've caused a bit of panic and I'm overcome with embarrassment for my now apparent silly actions.
Looking back and forth between Kate and my brother I say, "I, uh, left early and didn't want to wake you guys." I then stand up and scrub my face. "What time is it?" I ask.
"It's ten thirty. We had an appointment with John at ten." Cole says, sounding very much like a disappointed older brother. "We've been spending the last half hour looking for you."
I begin to look to Kate for help, but the awkward situation is all my doing and I just want to move past it as quickly as possible. I give her a helpless grin instead and say to the group, "Well, here I am." I look at the stranger, assuming he is Kate's realtor friend. "Hi, I'm Sarah. Normally I sleep indoors in a bed. Has Cole shown the house to you yet?"
We all head into the house, me trailing behind a bit, trying to gather my wits about me. I want to talk to Kate, but she and Mary have moved on into the living room. I follow John and Cole from room to room, answering questions when I'm asked.
We all end up in the living room and John gives a final look around, seemingly impressed. "Well, you guys did a great job. Everything looks completely renovated and updated. Very nice craftsmanship." He says.
I duck my head as inevitably, my brother gives me most of the credit. "I was merely some of the muscle behind the brains and skill, Sarah did most of the work," he says with a proud smile.
There is a few seconds of silence before John clears his throat and begins to speak gently, "It is my understanding that the owner died on the property." The statement shouldn't surprise me, but it does. I look to my brother to explain further.
"Yes. Our mother. She committed suicide. Single gunshot to the head, in the master bedroom." His jaw clenches and then unclenches. I didn't think he would give that detail, but I suppose it had to be answered. I caution a look at Kate who's valiantly trying not to look shocked. In all the ways I'd envisioned her hearing about this, this wasn't one of them.
"I'm sorry I had to ask, but with disclosure..." John explains apologetically.
Cole nods in understanding. "Of course. I imagine it will make selling the place a little bit more of a challenge." Cole says as he begins to step to the front door. We all follow and I fall in step with Kate as we make our way back to Cole and Mary's house to finish up with John. The few moments it takes to walk there is in silence.
"I have to get back to clean house and pack. I'll call you later, okay?" Kate says as we reach the front of Cole's house.
I can't read her at all, but I can imagine she isn't too happy with my disappearing act. Here I thought I was trying to save face and I end up looking like some emotional infant, running away in the wee hours of the morning leaving stupid little notes. And then for her to hear the way my mother 'passed away.'
"Okay." I say lamely. The word is barely out of my mouth before she is sliding into the driver's seat of her car and buckling her seatbelt.
Yeah, I'd be running too.
As the day wears on, I figure she isn't going to call. But about an hour before she is scheduled to leave, my phone rings. We exchange stilted greetings and when no apparent invitation comes from her I ask if I can come over.
"I have to leave in an hour." She says and I'm not sure if I should take it as information or a brush off. It doesn't matter. I have to see her. I can't leave this like it is.
"I'll be over in a few minutes. I won't take up much of your time." I say, wincing at how petulant that sounds.
I ask to borrow Mary's sedan. "You scared the hell out of us Sarah, especially Kate." She says with rare strong emotion and hands me the keys. I'm left staring at her as she heads back to the kitchen.
I ponder Mary's words on the way to Kate's. Surely they couldn't have been that worried.
What did they think I'd done? I'm an adult for Christ's sake.
I reach Kate's house, suddenly nervous. I know what I want to say to her, but I don't know what questions she may have for me. I want to talk about what was in my letter, but I'll let her guide the conversation.
I knock on her door and she opens it, ushering me in without a word. I bend to pet the excited dogs and then head over to the couch, not looking to see if she's following or not. I hear the door click shut and then feel her sit next to me on the couch. My attention is still focused on the dogs, waiting for her to start.
"Why didn't you tell me about your mother?" She asks after a few seconds.
Even though I expected her to ask, I'm not sure what exactly to say. I take a deep breath. "Well, it isn't something you just bring up. When I met you that second time in the bar, I'd just been to her funeral... I'm actually surprised you or your father hadn't heard about it. My mother frequented that bar quite a bit."
"I thought you said she'd quit drinking." Kate says evenly.
"She did. At least that's what my brother told me. He has no reason to lie. But the town is small. I mean, even the Goddamned car rental lady had heard." I say, shame and exasperation evident in my voice.
The hard look she'd had since I walked in the door vanishes. "Do you know why she did it?" She asks quietly
"I honestly don't. She left no note." I say simply.
"Christ, Sarah," she says solemnly.
"Yeah." I don't know what else to respond with. We sit in silence for a bit and I can hear the minutes with her ticking away. I know she's angry at me. I also know I only have a short time to figure out why exactly and salvage what I can before she goes.
"Why are mad at me? Is it about that letter I left you? The fact I didn't tell you about my mother?" I ask.
"I guess I don't like being blindsided. Here I thought your mom died of breast cancer or something." She shakes her head slowly. "I had no idea, and it was more shock than anger, I think."
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth. It is hard for me to take in too." I say honestly.
She looks at me compassionately. "I guess it would be." She pauses for a moment and then brings her eyes up to mine. "I am pretty mad about you leaving in the middle of the night with nothing but a letter on the last night I get to spend with you." She takes a deep breath and I already know I'm not going to like what is coming next. "Sarah, I'm glad that I was part of the positive experience of your visit and I enjoyed our time together. But I know for me, I'm just not ready to pursue anything further. Even if I don't think I'd be making the same mistake, I just don't think it would work. You don't live here, I'm starting a new job, we are in such different places in our lives..."
I sit in silence, digesting what she's saying. "So, you don't see me as one aching mess with more baggage than an international airport claim area?" I ask, half jokingly.
She smiles at me and the brightness in her eyes makes my heart clinch. "Oh, Sarah, I do like you. A lot. I also know I've met you at a pretty emotional time in your life. Hell, I'm still licking my wounds after a failed relationship. As cliche as this is going to sound, I think you can chalk this whole thing up to bad timing."
"So, if we'd met at a different time... say months from now?" I prod. I need to know that maybe down the road, a chance.
"I don't know, Sarah, perhaps things could have been different." I see her glance at her watch and I know my time is up.
Before she has to prompt me to leave, I stand up and she quickly follows suit. "I wish we had more time." She says with a sigh and I'm left to wonder if she's measuring minutes or more.
"Yeah, me too." I say,
knowing I mean more than minutes. There is an awkward silence as I study my shoes, waiting for a clue on how our goodbye will be.
"Listen, I want to thank you for these last couple of weeks. I've had a great time." She closes in and kisses me soundly and I feel my arms go around her. We kiss for longer than she intended, I'm sure. Finally, I pull away and touch her face.
"If you ever need to vent about your dad, or just need to talk..." I say lamely.
"I have your number programmed into my phone." She says coyly. I guess that is as much of an 'I'll call' as I'm going to get.
"Alright then. Have fun at your conference. Travel safe." I say, giving her another tight hug which she returns just as tight.
"You too." She says warmly. I smile and pull away and with a quick pet to the dogs, I make my way to the door. As I touch the nob, I hear, "Sarah? When you find happiness, don't be afraid of it."
In response, I just give her a quick nod, thinking as I walk out the door,
I think we could find it together, but only one of us is afraid.
As I drive back to my brother's house, I reflect on what Kate's parting words were to me. Then I think about Cole, Mary and Elise. Feeling the connection with them being repaired and strengthened each day I've been here has been more than I could have ever hoped for when I stepped off the train weeks ago. Looking at that reconnection now, I see it as a first step in reclaiming my life back. I would like to think meeting Kate is my second. As for my next step, I have one more thing to do here and I hope I can accomplish it before I leave.
No, Kate, it isn't me who is afraid anymore.
Chapter 8
As I sit in Cole's truck, looking across the street at an ordinary house, with an ordinary yard, I'm not sure I'm glad at all that he was so easy to find. He still lives in the house he grew up in, according to the website I did a search on. I wonder idly if his parents died, divorced or just gave him the house, maybe he bought it from them. I suppose I could have found him in the phone book instead of spending the $29.95 for a background search, but I needed to know as much as I could about him. Like it would put me at an advantage or something. Seems he is married with two kids. No bankruptcies.
No criminal record.
I think back to the weeks ago when I saw his picture in the yearbook and the reaction that I had. Now, I'm ready to confront the memory. I'm a different person now than I was that night.
I know he's in there with his family. Probably having dinner. I take a bit of satisfaction in knowing I'll be interrupting his life, if only for a few moments. Above all, I'm coming to confront him about that letter. When did he send it and why. More than the act itself, I want to know what drove him to write it.
I suddenly wish Cole was here with me. At least to sit in the car as I went to the door. I debated telling him about where I was going, but when it got down to it, I just couldn't. I know what he'd want to do and I couldn't put him in that position. So, I'd simply asked to borrow his truck for a few hours. He handed over the keys with no questions, only a 'be careful'.
I'm actually a bit relieved when it is Kyle's wife who answers the door. She's not particularly attractive, but she is not ugly either. Her shoulder length ash blond hair is pushed back behind her ears and I can see I've caught her while cooking dinner.
"Hello. Can I help you?" She asks, obviously a bit perturbed at the unannounced visitor.
"Yes, is Kyle home?" I ask as if I am a casual acquaintance. She looks at me puzzled for a moment.
"May I ask what this is regarding?" She probes.
"I used to work with him many years ago." I say as if that explains the reason for my visit. When she senses that is all I'm going to say, she leaves me on the doorstep and I hear her call for him. I step back a bit as I hear heavy footsteps in the entryway.
His face, creased into a quizzical scowl at first, falls into shock. Apparently he recognizes me instantly. "Uh, Sarah." he says dumbly.
I'm emboldened by his reaction and I look him straight in the eye. I feel the anger come to the surface that has always been overshadowed by shame. "I found your letter in my mother's dresser. When did you send it? After the statute of limitations was over, I'm sure."
He continues looking at me as if I'm some sort of apparition. It takes him a moment to realize I've spoken. He steps further out of the door and closes it gently behind him. I watch him swallow hard. "When... did you find it?" He asks finally.
"I found it last week. I was cleaning out her drawers and closet. It had been opened."
Again, I see him swallow hard and his eyes widen in realization to what I just said. I assume he's heard about what happened. I look at him closely, noticing the deep creases in his forehead, mouth and around his sunken, spiritless eyes. The premature gray in his thinning hair. I know he's only a year older than me, but he looks at least ten. If I didn't hate him so much I might feel sorry for him.
I ignore his statement and ask again. "When did you send it?"
He looks down at his feet. "You know, I wrote that letter years ago, in my head. Not a day goes by that I don't..." He looks up then and must have seen the hard look in my eyes. He stops mid-sentence and takes a deep breath, letting it out in a sigh. "I brought it over to your mother's about six months ago. I asked if she could give it to you."
"It's been 16 years. Why even send it?"
"I started AA. It's part of the program. To make amends."
"So you were drunk when you raped me?" I ask, aware of the 12 step program he spoke of through co-workers.
"No, but it had a lot to do with me becoming an alcoholic." He says, looking at me as if I should give him some quarter.
"Am I the only one you have ever raped?" I ask pointedly.
"I've never done... that... to anyone since." He says quietly.
"Rape, Kyle, that's what you did. It's called rape." I say vehemently. His eyes slide to the closed door nervously and then down to the ground.
"And your wife, does she know?"
"No." He says. He looks up at me and I can see a bit of fear in his eyes.
"Good. Now, I have something I can hold over your head." I turn to leave, but I stop and look at him once more. "Oh, and fuck you and your letter, you pathetic coward. You destroyed my innocence and I let it destroy a good portion of my life. You live with what you did. If you can't pay for it with your freedom, pay for it with your conscience. I have to live with the fact that I let you get away with it."
I think to tell him about the abortion, but at this point, all I want is to be done with this conversation and with him.
I get into the car and grip the steering wheel so hard I hear it creak. The anger feels a lot better than pain and shame. I'm not exactly sure what I wanted to accomplish by seeking him out, only that I had to. Facing him, standing in front of him and having him hear me say that he raped me felt strangely cathartic. Knowing it tortured him too was a bit of vindication as well. Despite his apparent contriteness, the only thing I feel remotely sorry about is that his wife and kids don't know what kind of monster he truly is.
~~~~
Cole is sitting on the couch when I get back and I can tell he has something on his mind. I sit next to him wordlessly and wait.
"So, you all packed?" He asks. I nod. He looks ahead, staring at the fireplace mantel intently for a few seconds. "What happened with Kate?"
His question catches me by surprise and I find myself answering a little more candidly than I normally would have. "Well, not what I really wanted to happen. I guess what we had was all we are going to have. She says we met at the wrong time."
"Do you think so?" He asks, turning his head to face me.
"I don't know. I mean, it's true, I don't live here anymore. There's the reason I left, what I'm still dealing with. She's still dealing with the aftermath of a bad break up too." I feel weird explaining this to Cole, but hell, it feels good to talk about it to someone.
"Sounds like excuses to me." He says. I smile at him, a bit surprised by his response. He looks a bit embarrassed for a moment and then continues. "Distance can be overcome pretty easily and there is no better way to get over a nasty break up than to start fresh with a new one. And you're making strides everyday, Sarah."
"That simple, Dr. Phil?" I chide. We both share a laugh.
He sobers. "Like I've said before, I think she's good for you. I think you'd be good for each other. I know I haven't seen a lot of you two together, but what I have seen, it seems that there is something there. Something worth pursuing." He reasons.
"I had no idea you were that observant. Don't take this the wrong way, it's just that, well, you are a guy." I say honestly.
"You forget that I'm a guy who lives with two women. Plus, I was born in March, you know. Very intuitive." He says lightly, tapping his temple, then continuing seriously says, "And you didn't see how worried she was when we couldn't find you this morning." I drop my head for a moment, again feeling foolish for what happened.
"Yeah. Mary told me." I say ruefully.
"At the risk of sounding like a romantic idiot, I don't think you should give up." Cole says sincerely.
"It isn't up to me." I say simply. "She was pretty damaged by this other person. She was manipulated, made to feel completely inadequate and untrusted. This other woman had serious issues that she just couldn't get past. Didn't want to get past, by the sounds of it. Kate's afraid that I'll be the same way."
"You know you could solve one of those obstacles. Move back here. What do you have up there that you don't have here?"
My first impulse is to say 'no bad memories', but I know those memories have less of a hold on me than they did even yesterday. Hell even fifteen moments ago. Still, something keeps me from saying he's right.
"I don't have a job here. A place to live. You know, little things like that." I say, more to play devil's advocate than to give any real reasons. I'm still working that out in my head.
"All easily remedied. Welding jobs are beyond easy to find in this town. You can live with us until you get an apartment. You can even go to school if you want. I hear there are excellent teachers at the community college here." He says with a wide grin. "Then you can work on your issues, together. Or apart, but in the same town, at least."
I smile at him warmly. He makes it sound so easy. After all this time, it can't possibly be that easy.
He looks at me expectantly, confident in the presentation of his case. I feel pressed to give him an answer and as I draw breath to tell him I'll think about it, the reason I've been searching for comes out. "She's not ready." I say simply.
He looks at me quizzically and I smile at him. "If I am going to have any chance at happiness, I have to wait until she is no longer afraid. When she's ready for me to come home, I will."
As soon as I realize what I've just said, I know it to be true. I may not know a thing about being in a relationship, but I do know that what I want with Kate goes beyond friendship. She touches something in me that no one has before. Hell, she's the only one I've ever allowed to try, and she doesn't even know that.
"A word of advice?" Cole ventures and I can tell this is definitely uncharted territory for him as it is for me. I nod. "Lay all of your cards on the table. Don't hold anything back. Tell her everything. It is important for her to know about all that has made you the way you are."
"You make it sound like I'm completely defective." I say lightly. He shakes his head.
"We are all a bit defective. It is how we deal with it. You're learning. But she needs to know how far you've come. Perhaps with hearing your entire story, she won't be afraid anymore."
"Perhaps, Cole. Perhaps."
Continued...