~ The Fifth Amendment ~
Part 2b
by Mezzo and godconnie
Disclaimer: All characters from Xena: Warrior Princess are property of StudiosUSA and probably many other people who aren't us. This is an alternative fan fiction--Gabrielle and Xena are in love with no apologies.
Survivor is property of CBS and Mark Burnett. We have borrowed characters, both fictional and real. (and honestly, are any of the characters from Survivor 'real?' or are they figments of Mark Burnett and his editor's imagination?) from these television shows and, because this is a parody, we may not have always treated them kindly, but we truly wish no one involved any harm. This is a non-profit piece of fiction.
e-mail for Mezzo is vkellyian@compuserve.com. E-mail for godconnie is ariesscorpio@yahoo.com
******
"Who da hell is he talkin' to?" Rudy asked as he craned his neck to view Probst engaging in an animated conversation with thin air.
"Maybe he's rehearsing his lines," Jenna suggested.
"Or he could be conversing with the talking rats," submitted Sean.
Talking rats? thought Tapert. What a novel idea! Why, if I can get the studio to finance a Xena movie, I know exactly where I'd put a talking rat! His eyes lowered to the unsuspecting warrior's cleavage, his imagination took over from there...
A good-sized brown rodent popped it's head out above the
top of Xena's copper armor.
"Hey, Xena!" the rat called, sniffing the air that smelled
suspisciously like warrior sweat.
"Yeah?"
"Do you ever miss Gabrielle?" he asked in his nasal rat
voice.
"Sometimes," the warrior said flatly. "But not so
much when I'm with you."
"Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh..." the rat snorted
incessantly.
Tapert's attention was snapped back to reality as he felt the jolt from Gabrielle's open palm to his forehead.
"Ouch!" the redhead exclaimed. "What did you do that for?" He rubbed his sensitive noggin.
"I didn't like the way you were looking at my friend," she responded, a hint of danger in her voice.
"You're a total bitch, you know that?" he whined.
The Amazon sucked in her amazing abs. "Oh, am I?"
"Uh..." The TV exec realized that this well-built woman could beat the living daylights out of him without breaking a sweat. "Just kidding," he giggled nervously.
"I don't think you were," she said firmly, her nose just millimeters from his.
Tapert tried to hold her stare, but didn't last ten seconds. He gulped and ran away like the terrified uber nerd that he was.
"I thought as much," the bard snarled under her breath.
"Hey," Soo yelled. "Looks like Probst is comin' our way."
Gabrielle turned to see the peculiar man walking back toward camp.
"Sorry about the delay," godconnie said to the gathering throng. "We were experiencing some technical difficulties."
"So that's what ya call it, Jeff?" Soo snorted.
"Uh," the writer had no interest in interacting with the truck driver. "Yeah."
"I bet yer girlfriend don't take too kindly to those kinds o' technical difficulties, eh Jeff?" Soo continued.
"Or his boyfriend," murmured Kelly.
"All right!" gc said resolutely and gave them both the evil eye. "It's time for this week's reward challenge." The castaways moved in closer; a strange silence hovered over them. "As has been the case since your two tribes merged, today's challenge is an individual one. This means that only one of you can win."
"Sonofabitch!" Rudy, knowing he didn't stand a chance, shook his head and walked away.
"Now this island is well known for two things: rainbows and coconuts," the writer hoped like Hades that her listeners were buying this bull.
Colleen started to giggle. godconnie cleared her throat and the comely co-ed bit her lip.
"Today's challenge will incorporate both of those things..."
"Excuse me," spoke the bard. gc closed her eyes and collected her thoughts. "Sorry to interrupt again, but are we contestants in this game now?"
The woman-trapped-in-a-sleazy-man's-body looked at each non-castaway and appeared to make a decision.
"Seeing as how one of our regular contestants, Richard Hatch, is currently under medical supervision, we will allow one of you to take his place."
"Hey," Sean said. "Rich isn't here."
"Who's Rich?" asked Gervase.
"What kind o' medical supervision is he under?" questioned the tenacious trucker, Soo.
"I'm not privvy to that particular information," gc improvised. "Mr. Burnett is taking care of it."
"Yah!" Soozin chortled. "I'll bet he is!"
"Rich and Mark have an understanding," Kelly added. "Rich is under and Mark is standing."
"Ha!" roared Soo. "That's a good one!"
"Christ on a cracker!" barked Rudy as he returned to the fold. "Can't you two dames shut yer yaps?"
"Ahhh-bviously not, Grandpa!" snapped Soozin.
"Please," godconnie was beginning to feel an anxiety attack coming on. "I beg of you, just do this reward challenge and then you can go back to your regularly scheduled bitchfest."
Soo and Kelly looked at each other and shrugged. Kelly nodded her head in approval.
"Thank you," gc sighed inwardly. "Now..." she looked back at the bard. "As for the three of you... We flipped a coin earlier and decided that Xena would be the one to participate in this competition."
"Wait a galdarned minute!" Tapert interjected. "I didn't see you flip the coin, so how do I know you're telling the truth?"
"You don't," godconnie said coldly. She noticed this caused a small grin to grace the Amazon's face.
"I demand that you flip the coin here!" the redhead bawled.
"No."
"I've never heard of a three-sided coin anyway!" he looked desperately at Rudy. "Have you?"
"You're as bad as these damn women!" was the Navy Seal's response.
"Calm down, Mr. Tapert," the woman masquerading as the host said.
"How do you know my name?" the TV exec inquired.
"You're legendary in the world of television, of course," gc lied.
"Of course," Tapert agreed. "Sorry about that. I just get a little out of sorts at times when I think my vision isn't being respected."
"Believe me," the author said honestly. "I know all about your vision."
"Does that mean you'll let me compete?"
"No."
"But!" gc put a finger to Tapert's thin, dry lips.
"Hush," the dimpled dramatist directed. "This challenge is very dangerous and there's no way we can, in good conscience, risk injuring one of the greatest visionaries of this, or any, generation."
"Ugh," groaned the bard.
godconnie was pained by the fact that she had momentarily let her heroine down, but she knew that it was for the greater good.
"You're a good man, Jeff," Tapert smiled and patted gc on the back.
The fanfic writer turned her attention back to the crowd. "Okay, Mr. Tapert and Ga..." she turned to the bard. "Gabrielle, is it?"
"Mmm," the disgusted Amazon barely made a sound.
"Mr. Tapert and Gabrielle will stay here while the rest of you follow me to the challenge site."
A few of the castaways grumbled, but they obediently followed their leader into the jungle. Xena, of course, didn't budge.
"You better get going, Xena," Gabrielle said.
"I don't recall signing up to play a game," the warrior responded.
"Xena..." the Amazon reminded. "This might be our ticket out of here. Just go along with it, okay?"
The raven-haired woman looked at Tapert then back to her friend. "Will things be okay here, Gabrielle?"
"I think I can handle Big Red," the bard assured her partner.
"Try not to hurt him," the warrior whispered.
"I won't," Gabrielle said quietly. "But I may scare him just a bit."
Xena grinned and put her hand to Gabrielle's cheek. "Be back soon, 'kay?"
The bard returned the warrior's smile. Rob flinched, as had become a habit when seeing the closeness of the two women. Xena gave him a piercing look for good measure and headed in the direction of the other castaways.
Gabrielle took a moment to admire her departing friend and then directed her attention towards the partially plucked pheasants.
"Why don't you help me with these, Tapert?" she asked as she knelt down beside the lifeless birds, trying her best to be civil.
"Look Renee," the man said seriously. "I know how you and Lucy love to joke around, but, honestly, you've gone too far this time."
Gabrielle rolled her eyes, shook her head, and focused on the task at hand.
"You've done a marvelous job with the set and the actors," he continued. "I'm not so sure about the ethics involved with whatever kind of drug you used to get me here though..."
"Xena and I didn't bring you here, Tapert," the bard informed him.
"Xena and I! Xena and I!" he aped. "You do realize that I can kill your character off at any moment, don't you?"
The blonde stopped removing feathers from her fallen prey and looked up at the self-important TV executive. "Are you threatening me?"
"Are you going to put an end to this game?"
"Believe me," she said solemnly. "If I could put an end to this insanity, I would."
"Dammit, Renee!" Tapert whined. "What is this about? Do you want more screen time? Fine. You got it. Now go tell Lucy that it's 'game over' and we're going home!"
Gabrielle stood to face her antagonist. "I don't know who this Renee is that you speak of, but she must be a stronger woman than me to put up with such relentless stupidity."
"I fail to see the humor in this."
"So much for your vision then," she said condescendingly.
"Oh, that's it!" he scoffed. "You think you can do a better job than me! You want to direct again!" He laughed to himself. "Well, fine. I'll give you another episode."
Internally, his thoughts weren't so gracious. Another episode with a stolen plot that's a logistical nightmare. He smirked. "Can we leave this godforsaken place now?"
The Amazon looked around them. "I don't see anyone keeping you here."
"I'm not leaving without my wife," declared the redhead.
"I don't know what to tell you, Tapert."
"I'm going to go find Lucy," he stated defiantly and took off toward the nearby jungle.
"Happy trails..." the bard mumbled half-heartedly and returned to cleaning her catch.
------------
Xena remained a few paces behind godconnie and the ragtag Survivor contestants as they made their way toward the day's reward challenge area. Her mind was filled with conflicting thoughts and feelings.
For years, the warrior had followed her gut instinct, rarely taking time to contemplate the ramifications of her actions.
Act, don't react, was the philosophy she had always tried to impose upon Gabrielle, whose response was usually a droll, "At times, perhaps, but an unexamined life isn't worth living." And while Xena understood that her personal modus operandi had served her well in most situations and would continue to do so, she could no longer deny the fact that her blind focus on 'results' had caused her to nearly lose the one thing that was most important to her.
The warrior's miracle pregnancy and the responsibilities, as well as the fatal mistakes that came with it, had been so traumatic on so many levels that the complexities were hard to fathom. One thing was absolutely certain - had Gabrielle been an average person, their partnership would have not only been ended, but obliterated beyond all recognition. The bard, however, was an extraordinary woman with the capacity to forgive the most heinous crimes committed against her.
But how can she carry on as if nothing happened? Xena asked herself. I killed her. Killed her... The image of the fatally wounded bard lying in a pool of her own blood played over and over in the warrior's mind. How do I make up for that? 'Sorry I sliced your head open, Gabrielle, but it was the only way'? She scoffed at her own feeble excuse. There were a hundred different things I could have done... So what caused me to aim for her head?
Just then, two small, exotic-looking insects - one with the face of RenPics staff writer, Roberto Orci, the other with the face of his partner, Alex Kurtzman - began buzzing furiously around the dark woman's head. In a flash, Xena had captured them in the palm of her hand.
"You'll pay for this, Tapert!" croaked the Orci bug almost imperceptibly as the warrior crushed the life out of him.
"Oh my God! She killed Orci!," the Kurtzman bug yelped. "You bast..." He was squashed before he could get the last syllable out.
Tapert... she repeated internally.
Xena's concentration was broken by a small hand being waving in front of her face.
"Yesssss?" the warrior exhaled, remarkably controlling her temper.
"Sorry, Xena," Colleen apologized. "You looked like you were out of it for a moment. I thought it might be a repercussion from the bump on your head."
"No," she said thoughtfully. "It's a repercussion from something much more serious."
"Do you need to rest?" asked the co-ed.
"No. I need to make things right," the blue-eyed beauty said firmly.
"Can I help?"
"Yes. You can show me the way to this reward challenge." Xena smiled warmly at the sweet girl who reminded her a bit of Gabrielle when they first met.
"Right this way, milady!" giggled Colleen as she gestured to the path ahead of them.
-------------
Rob Tapert was a man on a mission. He was used to getting his way and, as far as he was concerned, today would be no different. He was wrong, of course, but he didn't know that yet.
He had followed the same jungle passage that Xena and the Survivor contestants had taken earlier, but thanks to the magic of Mezzo who had figured out how to return her own voluptuous she-breasts in a matter of minutes, it was now impossible for him to reach his desired destination.
After passing the same large mandrake plant for the third time, the self-proclaimed genius realized that he was inexplicably going in circles.
"Sonofamotherlovingbacchae!!!" the irritated executive grumbled loudly. "How can I be going in circles if the path is straight?"
"Forward, never straight," uttered a melodic, disembodied voice.
"Huh?" Tapert looked around him with a start. "Who said that?"
He was answered with silence.
"Show yourself!" he bellowed.
Again, silence.
"I was going north the entire time! There is no possible way that I could end up where I started!"
No response.
"It's not like I don't know which way is north! You... You... Blasted pranksters!"
Absolute quiet.
"You're trying to drive me insane, aren't you?!"
Not even a peep.
The executive decided that if he stood perfectly still and concentrated fully, he would, with his exceptional intellect and hearing, decipher where the mysterious voice had come from.
"Pssssst!"
Tapert whirled around to face a seemingly empty jungle. "Who's there?"
"Over here!" a decidedly male voice whispered. Tapert's eyes wandered down to where a scruffy, young blonde man was crouching behind a large palm tree. "Come closer," the blonde implored quietly.
Tapert creeped a few inches nearer.
"I've got something for you," the stranger informed him.
"What could you possibly have for me?" Tapert asked suspisciously.
"A person-to-person call..."
"You have a phone?!" the redhead asked excitedly. This was the most promising news he'd heard in two days.
"Right here..." said the young man as he reached behind him and pulled out a sea shell.
"What the?" Tapert furrowed his rusty brow at the ridiculously offered item.
"Don't keep 'em waiting! It's long distance!" A seemingly sincere smile graced the lad's face as he thrust the crustacean towards the executive.
"Oh hell..." reasoned Tapert. "Nothing else in this place makes sense, so why can't a sea shell be a telephone?" He reached out to take the object from the blonde.
"Hello?" Rob spoke into the hollow shell.
"Hahahahahahahahaha!!!" The stranger howled. Tapert's chapped lips drew into a viscious snarl as it dawned on him that he'd been played for a fool.
"Good Lord, man!" blurted the blonde. "It's a sea shell, not a phone! Any moron can tell the difference!"
"Arrrgh!" yelled the usually more articulate producer.
The towhead continued to chortle.
In an uncharacteristic bout of violence, the executive hurled the shell at the giggling stranger. Luckily for the blonde, and for Tapert's bank account, Rob threw like Joxer. His trajectory was a foot off the mark.
"Whoa there, buddy!" the now sober fair-haired man reprimanded. "Fly off the handle much?"
"Who are you?!!" Tapert demanded.
"The name's Greg," the blonde presented his hand. "Greg Buis."
Rob blatantly ignored the offered appendage.
"I was voted off of the island a couple nights ago," added the young man. "I'm supposed to be kicking it back at the resort, but I thought I might try to catch some unsupervised lovin' with Colleen... Or Jenna." He thought for a moment. "Or Rich."
"You're one of those Survivors?"
"Was. Yep. Now I'm one of the jury," he laughed at himself even though he'd said nothing funny. "How'd you like to depend on me for a million dollar payday?"
Tapert, having determined that Greg was of no use to him, walked away without a word.
"Hey!" the blonde whined. "Where are you going?"
"I'm looking for my wife."
The ex-castaway ran to catch up. "Can I come too?"
"What? No!"
"Pleeeeeeeease!!!" Greg pleaded.
"Are you daft?"
"Yes, I am, actually. Can I come?"
"I'm surrounded by lunatics!" Tapert stopped and spoke to the sky.
"Whaddaya got against lunatics, Skippy?" asked Greg.
"The name is Tapert," the redhead said seriously as he resumed walking.
"Whaddaya got against lunatics, Tippy?" Greg prodded; falling in step with the exasperated producer.
"Don't you have some chicks to bang?" asked a disgusted Tapert.
"Your wife is a chick, isn't she?"
"How dare you?!!!" Tapert's hands were wrung around the blonde's neck in an instant.
"Grrrg! Uggg! Kakkk!" Greg struggled for a few seconds until he got the upper hand on his older attacker. Grabbing Tapert's wrists and wresting his hands free of their chokehold, the Survivor kicked his assailant's feet out from under him and knocked him to the ground.
"You don't play well with others, do you?" asked Greg as he straddled the out-of-breath executive, pinning his arms to the ground.
"Get off of me, you pansy!" Tapert's complexion began to turn redder than usual.
"Now that isn't very PC of you," chastised Greg.
"PC, my ass!"
"I'll beat your ass!" the blonde teased. "You'd like that, wouldn't you, Topper?"
"Get off!" Tapert wailed.
"I'm trying!" Greg replied, half-joking.
"You're working for Renee, aren't you?!" accused the harried executive.
"Renee? Who's Renee?"
"You know damn well!"
"Refresh my memory, Topo Giggio." Greg dug his knees into Tapert's sides.
"Ack!" the redhead's ribs ached. "O'Connor! Renee O'Connor!"
Greg released his grip on Tapert's sides. "The guy who played Archie Bunker?"
"What?"
"I thought he was dead," the blonde scrunched his face in confusion.
"Not Carroll O'Connor, you stooge!" Tapert huffed. "Renee O'Connor! Small, compact, blonde, vengeful actress..."
"Renee O'Connor... Renee O'Connor..." Greg repeated to himself, trying to jog his own memory. As his mind wandered, he loosened his grip on Tapert's wrists. "Oh! I know! She's the really hot chick on Xena: Lesbian Princess!"
The anger that had been broiling inside of Tapert for the past 48 hours finally congealed. His freckled fist met the bottom of Greg's chin before either of them knew what was happening. The blonde fell backward and landed with a resounding thud.
Rob Tapert froze in fear and amazement. Had he really just knocked a guy out? One that was 20 years his junior? Apparently so, he thought proudly as he sat up to take stock of the situation.
The now confident redhead stood and brushed the dirt off of his hands and clothes. "Where was I?" he asked himself. "Oh yes, going to find Lucy."
With that, Tapert headed off into the brush.
-------
After a lengthy walk in the sweltering midday heat, godconnie and her followers finally arrived at the reward challenge area.
The fanfic writer was quickly losing patience with her ill-behaved charges. In fact, if she heard one more grumble from Rudy or one more crude joke from Kelly or Soo she thought her Probst-sized cranium would explode.
"All right, Survivors, listen up," she once again repeated the phrase she'd heard the show's real host use many, many times. "You'll notice that a large section of the jungle has been cleared in order to..."
"Uh..." Colleen interrupted. "Youse guys actually cut down trees for this challenge?"
"Yes, Colleen, we did," gc said firmly. "If you look u..."
"But that's not right," the co-ed broke in again. "You can't go around destroying nature just so we can participate in some stupid reward challenge!"
"We can and we did," gc wondered why she always wrote herself into such precarious situations.
"Well, I'm sitting this challenge out in protest! Tree killer!" The cuddly cutie folded her arms in darling defiance.
The writer knew she had to get herself out of this predicament quickly.
"The trees were diseased and dying. We'll replant as soon as we finish shooting," godconnie rambled off the top of her head.
"For real?" asked Colleen.
"Pinky swear!" gc held her hand in the air, the smallest finger extended. She nearly gasped out loud when she noticed how hairy her knuckle was, but then she remembered that she was not in her own body. Entirely.
"All right then," Colleen conceded. "Count me in!"
"As I was saying..." gc continued. "If you look up, you will see 80 multi-colored coconuts suspended from overhanging branches that extend from the trees that line the perimeter of our playing field." She made quotation marks with her fingers as she said the word, "field," and hoped that she had overexplained enough to continue to pass as the windbag Probst.
"There are ten coconuts per Survivor," the writer explained as if she were talking to a group of 4-year-olds. "They are hung randomly. As you can also see, there is what essentially amounts to a circus net stretched 10 feet below the coconuts. It is there in case you lose your balance and fall."
"If I break a hip, Probst," Rudy threatened. "I'm suing you and Burnett and CBS!"
Not to be pulled into yet another minor squabble with a castaway, godconnie continued her spiel.
"There are rope ladders leading up the length of eight trees - one for each of you. From there on out, you will see more rope ladders and smaller nets strung horizontally in a web-like pattern between the outer trees."
By now, Sean looked like the proverbial deer caught in headlights. Coconuts, rope ladders, and nets? he thought to himself. Why, that's just impossible!
"Your assignment," gc proceeded. "Is to make your way up and across, gathering one of each color coconut."
The pseudo-host paused for dramatic effect.
"The catch, however," she explained. "Is that, even though there are ten colors per Survivor, you are only allowed to collect the ones that represent the colors found in a rainbow."
At that moment, a small vessel burst inside of Sean's head. Luckily, it was of no use to him.
"If you should return to me with too many colors, not enough colors, or the wrong colors..." she droned on as only Probst would. "...you will be eliminated."
"Yo, dude," Gervase spoke up.
"Yes?"
"Once this challenge is over, can I have the circus net?"
"Whatever for?" asked gc.
"It's like a king-sized hammock times infinity!"
godconnie closed her eyes for a moment and wished she were back home in Ohio.
"The first contestant to return to me with the correct number and correctly colored coconuts wins." She looked around at the ragged bunch. "Any questions?"
"I have one," announced Xena.
"Yes?"
"Do we have to climb the ladders?"
"Are you saying that you don't wish to participate?" The author hoped this wasn't true.
"No, I'm asking if it is against the rules to gather the coconuts without climbing the ladders."
"Uh..." gc knew that Xena had more moves than a topless dancer in a Zalman King movie. "No, it's not against the rules. You can get the coconuts any way you want."
Kelly chuckled.
"But you can't take them off of other contestants," the writer quickly added.
Kelly groaned.
"Once the coconut is in a contestant's possession, it must remain there."
"How are we supposed to know which colors are in the rainbow, fer Chrissakes?" Rudy growled.
"Water to drink and fire to live..." gc broke into rhyme. "The colors you seek are Roy G. Biv,"
"What da hell?" asked the old sailor.
"Water to drink and fire to live. The colors you seek are Roy G. Biv," gc repeated, enunciating every word.
Rudy turned to Gervase. "I got no clue what he's yappin' about!"
"Me neither, man," the youngster agreed.
"It's a poem and a clue!" the writer yelled. "Like the ones you find in your tree mail!"
"We didn't get any tree mail this time," stated Colleen. "Are you sure this is on the up and up, Jeff?"
"I'm positive, Colleen." gc chastised herself for agreeing to write such a sharp-witted co-ed.
"So we're supposed to carry a bunch o' loose coconuts while climbing on ladders?" asked the ever-observant Soozin.
"I'm glad you brought that up," said gc. "Hanging on a hook at the bottom of each tree is a burlap sack with each contestant's name on it. Find your name and take the sack. When I say 'go,' start climbing."
The castaways took a few moments to find their respective sacks. Eventually, they were set to compete.
"Survivors ready?" gc asked. "Go!"
And they were off.
godconnie cringed at the sight of Sean accidentally swinging his ladder into a tree. That's a little less skin on the good doctor's right forearm, she thought.
Jenna was determined to win this particular reward challenge. It'll be so nice to have a... Her train of thought was derailed when she realized that Jeff hadn't explained what they would win. Poor, overworked Jeff, she thought. He deserves a reward of his own...
The young mother of twins was unable to postulate any further because Sean, who was now swinging wildly out of control, collided with her mid-air, sending them both hurtling toward the circus net.
"Do you mind?" Gervase barked at the two of them as they landed perilously close to his supine form. "I'm trying to get some rest here!"
It was at this point that gc noticed that Xena hadn't even begun to compete. Instead, the warrior was walking around the perimeter, seemingly gauging the action above her.
Come on, Xena, the writer begged internally. You're supposed to win this one!
Gabrielle had been enjoying her time alone at camp. She was nearly finished cleaning the pheasants when the ground started trembling. Fifteen feet away, the sand began to rise and then fall. The bard's eyes widened in preparation for something big. And bad.
"Or really weird," she considered and decided to remain seated.
A large, rectangular-shaped metal box ascended slowly, coming to a gentle halt as it reached its full height above ground. After a brief pause, what seemed to be doors in the front of the box slid open. Gabrielle gripped the camp knife she'd been using and rested her other hand on the sai that was nestled against her left boot.
An average-looking man in his mid-forties stepped out of the box. He was wearing khaki slacks and a light blue shirt.
"G'day," he said to the wary Amazon as he walked toward her. "Do you mind if I take a seat?"
She eyed him suspisciously, not answering.
"I'll take that as a 'yes,'" he smiled and sat across from her.
The man spoke with an accent that was different from the other Survivors' yet it was familiar to Gabrielle's ears. She had heard comparable inflections during her years of travel and even Xena slipped into similar speech patterns when she was tired.
"Are you Greek?" the bard asked.
"No, mate," he tapped himself on the chest. "I'm a red-blooded Aussie!"
"An Aussie?"
"You know..." he began to sing. "I come from the land Down Under!"
The hair stood on the back of Gabrielle's neck. "You... You were sent from Tartarus, weren't you?"
"I don't know Tartarus from a hole in the ground," he said seriously.
"Funny," she replied, appreciating the irony. After a beat, the bard stiffened. "You're not a demon from Hell, are you?"
"There are some folks who would call me that, I suppose," he smiled again. "But, no, I'm not a demon."
"Are you a god?"
At that, the stranger seemed to lose himself in fantasy.
"Hello?" the bard prodded him back to reality.
"I'm a god in the industry," he informed her.
"The industry?"
"The entertainment industry. Reality television is my specialty," he bragged.
"Television?" the bard's ears perked up. "What do you do in television?"
"I'm the executive producer of Survivor," he said proudly.
"Reallllllllllllllly?" the blonde drawled, the wheels in her mind spinning furiously. "Would you mind answering a few questions for me?"
"I was going to ask you the same thing," he replied. "How about a little give and take?"
"I'm game," said the more relaxed bard.
"Mark, by the way," the man extended his hand.
The Amazon took it. "Gabrielle."
-----------
Back at the reward challenge, Sean had managed to fall seven times without collecting a single coconut in the span of four minutes.
Soozin and Colleen were tied with three coconuts each, but Soo's bounty included a black coconut while Colleen's included a pink one. Neither color could be found in a rainbow.
Jenna was consumed with guilt after clumsily smashing her first coconut into a tree, thus causing a hairline fracture. When the milk began leaking out, she was sure she had injured the poor, defenseless creature. Forgetting about her earlier desire to win the challenge, she swore on her own life that she would nurse the hair-covered pod back to health.
godconnie was thrilled when Xena finally took custody of the burlap sack that had her name printed on it. Still, the warrior did nothing but watch the Survivors scurry overhead.
"Xena," the fanfic writer tried to get her attention.
The warrior put her index finger up to her lips as if to say, "Hush."
In the blink of an eye, Rudy tripped and plummeted head first into the circus net. A split second later, Xena grabbed her chakram and whisked it into the air. It ricocheted from tree to tree. Every so often, a rope was sliced and a coconut would fall into her waiting bag.
gc was startled, not only by the sheer mathematic genius it took to master such a feat, but by the fact that each coconut was small enough to squeeze through the holes in the circus net. And, to top it all off, they fell in colored order: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet.
Xena walked over to godconnie. "You're going to catch flies if you don't shut that," she nodded toward gc's open mouth.
"That was the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my life," the author gushed.
"Haven't seen much, have you?" the warrior said, unimpressed. She handed the bulky sack to gc. "I think you can call the others off now."
godconnie nodded her head in wondrous agreement.
------------
After informing Xena of her prize and directing the contestants back toward camp, godconnie returned to the hidden cave that she had been sharing with Mezzo while on the island. She paused in the entranceway when she spotted the green-eyed beauty rifling through the massive rough draft of their fanfic, muttering to herself.
"I can't believe she wanted to bring Joxer into this story," Mezzo grumbled quietly. "And who gives a flying fig about Joel or Greg or..."
"S'up?" gc interrupted.
"Probst! Ack!" screeched a startled Mezzo.
"Where?!" godconnie looked around her in alarm. It took a few seconds before it occurred to her that she still looked like the Survivor host. "No! Wait! It's me, gc!"
"How do I know that for sure?" asked Mezzo as she made a crucifix with two pencils and held them out to ward off any evil that might come her way.
"You made me!"
"But how do I know you're the one I made?"
gc rolled her eyes. "I dunno. Ask me a question that only I would know the answer to."
"Okay... How many toes was Gabrielle born with?"
"Eleven."
Mezzo squinted and pondered the answer.
"She had six toes on her right foot, five on the left," the dimpled writer proclaimed. "You know I'm right!"
"Yes," the wary woman considered. "But how do I know that Probst doesn't know that too?"
"Why I oughtta!" godconnie lunged for her co-conspirator who nonchalantly stepped out of the way.
"Rage much?"
"Come on," gc begged. "Turn me back into me."
"I don't recall asking you to return my blinding cleavage," she said pointedly.
"And yet you managed..."
"I have many skills."
"Heh," godconnie laughed to herself after hearing that last line, knowing full well that Mezzo had tired of Xena's favorite phrase years ago.
"Egad! I can't believe you got me to say that!" Mezzo squealed.
"Give me my body back or I'll make you quote Meg next!"
"Fine!" The emerald-eyed fanfic goddess pulled her notebook from her back pocket and began writing vigorously with one of her pencils. In a burst of small yellow and red lightning bolts, godconnie returned to her own glorious self. "Happy now?"
"Oh yes," the Scorpio sighed dreamily as she cupped her breasts.
"Okay," Mezzo confessed. "You're really grossing me out there."
godconnie cleared her throat as she came to her senses. "Just making sure everything was back in the right place."
"Right."
"So what's next?" gc asked merrily.
"How about we finish this monster of a story?" suggested Mezzo.
"Oh yeah!" exclaimed godconnie. "I got this awesome idea for a clash between Tapert and Gretchen! I was going to have him accidentally end up at the resort and..."
"Absolutely not!" Mezzo cut her off abruptly. "We have already strayed from our initial goal. There will be no more straying."
"But!"
"No 'buts' about it. This was supposed to be a short story!"
godconnie decided it would be best not to argue with a woman who could trap her in someone else's body. "What was our initial goal, by the way?"
"To show Xena and Gabrielle that they belong together, no matter what The Powers That Be try to make them do," stated Mezzo. "And to teach Tapert that he needs to start respecting the canon of the show as well as the relationship between the warrior and the bard."
"That's right!" said gc. "I knew it was something like that."
"So why don't you help me get these notes in order?" asked a moderately exasperated Mezzo as she motioned toward the seemingly endless stacks of paper lying around their makeshift jungle office.
"Aiiiiight, Boo," godconnie replied casually in her best Original Cindy voice.
Mezzo took a calming breath and wondered, once again, how she got herself into this crazy writing partnership in the first place.
-------------
A magnificent smell wafted through the air as the reward challenge competitors approached their campsite.
"Holy Mother o' Gawd," Soo drawled. "Is that roasted pheasant?"
Xena's pride began to swell when she spotted Gabrielle kneeling beside the spit she had constructed while the rest of them were away.
In a fit of unbridled happiness, Jenna ran toward Gabrielle, who managed to stand just as the castaway dropped to her knees and wrapped her arms around the bard's legs.
"I love you so much!" Jenna cried and pressed her cheek to Gabrielle's stomach. The Amazon froze in place, unsure of the meaning behind the young woman's words and actions.
Jenna felt something cold and metallic-tap her on the shoulder. "Yeah?" she turned slowly, only to realize that the tip of Xena's blade was just inches from her throat. Her eyes doubled in size as she looked from the dour warrior to the rigid bard. "Oh God," she gulped and released her grip. "This isn't what it looks like! I... I just wanted to thank Gabrielle for providing such a wonderful meal!"
"Get up," Xena commanded. Jenna obeyed. "Say, 'Thank you, Gabrielle.'"
"Th... Thank you, Gabrielle."
"You're welcome," the bard smiled sweetly.
"Now go away," instructed the warrior. Jenna made a beeline for the other side of camp.
"That wasn't very nice, Xena," Gabrielle gently scolded.
"S'pose not," she said wryly as she returned her sword to its scabbard. "But I'm so good at being bad."
The bard chuckled. "Tell me about it."
"What's that supposed to mean?" asked a good-natured Xena as they walked toward the delicate waves that were lapping the shore.
"I was just agreeing with you," the bard replied impishly.
"And to think I had a story to share with you when I returned," Xena teased.
"Funny," Gabrielle returned playfully. "I had a story to share with you as well."
"Realllllly?" the warrior stretched the word out for effect.
"Yep," quipped the bard.
Xena pursed her lips and nodded as they fell into a jovial, competitive silence. Gabrielle was the first to break.
"I had the most amazing experience!" she gushed.
Xena grinned at the bard's lack of willpower when it came to refraining from spinning a tale.
"This man appeared from below the earth," the Amazon continued. "He said he was the executive producer of Survivor and he had the most remarkable God Complex I have ever witnessed. Now I know why Tapert is so deluded," she added. "It's required in his profession!"
"This man who rose from the Underworld was mortal?" asked a now very interested Xena.
"Definitely mortal," Gabrielle assured her. "And definitely insane."
The bard moved closer to her partner in a conspiratorial manner. "He believes he controls everything on this island including the weather," whispered the blonde.
"That sea storm sure came out of nowhere when we tried to make our escape," stated Xena.
"Only someone with the power of Poseiden could have done something like that," reasoned the bard incorrectly, having no comprehension of modern science or technology. "This guy... He's no god. You should have seen him break into a sweat when I mentioned Tapert's name."
"Tapert's name made him nervous?"
Gabrielle nodded. "He said that Tapert wouldn't know how to produce a consistent season of television if he were handed exact instructions that had been written by the most gifted scribes in the universe."
Xena smiled, imagining that to be true.
"He thinks that Tapert's presence is going to ruin his 'baby.'"
"So he had no idea that Tapert was here?" asked the warrior.
"Not a clue."
"Did he know that we were here?"
"He did," the blonde nodded. "Said he'd seen us on his television monitors. Whatever that means. But he didn't know why we were here," explained Gabrielle. "That's why he came to talk to me."
"What did you tell him?"
"I was hoping he might be able to help us, Xena," said the bard. "I told him that someone here suggested we were being taught a lesson by a higher power."
"And he said?"
"He said there is no higher power than him," she snorted. "Then his eyes glazed over as if he were remembering some traumatic event. I really feared for his mental health."
"You're sure he wasn't a god?" the warrior asked again. "You know how they like to play games."
"I'm positive," the bard assured her. "He kept slapping at the sand fleas that were nipping his ankles and it looked as though he were beginning to break out in hives."
"What else did you talk about?"
"Well, I asked him if he was familiar with the term, 'fan fiction,' and he said he'd dabbled in a bit of 'slash' in his Trekkie days, but had given it up when he realized his true calling," offered Gabrielle. "I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about, so I asked him to define 'fan fiction,' and he said that sometimes the fans of a particular television show will be so taken with the characters that they will begin writing their own stories about them."
"So if what Colleen says is true," reasoned the warrior. "These goddesses that are trying to 'educate' us are also fans?"
"Yes."
"And if they're fans, that means they like us, right?"
"I would certainly hope so," the blonde agreed.
"So we were right to assume that they are trying to help us," Xena postulated.
"Good call on your part," complimented the bard.
"And if what your 'friend' said about Tapert is true," the warrior rationalized. "He can't be very popular with the fans."
"Personally, I can't see how he would be popular with anybody," stated Gabrielle.
"This could be as much about exacting revenge upon him as showing us how blind we've been," concluded Xena.
Gabrielle contemplated their situation. "Should we go along with this then as we'd planned? Just go with the flow?"
"Is it in our nature to go with the flow?"
"Not really..."
"Then I say we keep a very watchful eye out for these goddesses."
"And if we find them?"
"When we find them," emphasized Xena. "They better have a good explanation for what they've done, no matter how noble their intentions."
Just then, a loud disagreement erupted around the distant fire.
"You cannot have two legs!" Soozin barked at Kelly.
"I can have whatever I can take!" retorted the river guide.
"I told ya we shoulda voted her off da island when we had da chance!" Rudy growled.
"Take my leg," offered Colleen.
"Why do ya always gotta be so sweet?" asked an angry Soo.
"I just thought it would stop the arguing..."
"You just thought it would make us like you more so we'd keep you around longer!"
"No!" exclaimed the generally sweet-natured co-ed. "Fine! I'll keep my leg!"
"Give it to me!" screeched Kelly.
"You leave my girl alone!" yelled a wide-awake Gervase, surprising everyone.
"How have they managed to survive for more than a fortnight without killing each other?" Gabrielle asked Xena as they watched the once peaceful dinner turn into a brawl.
"Lucky for us, I don't care."
"Xena..."
"Don't you want to hear my story?" asked the warrior.
"Of course I do," the bard turned away from the now insignificant battle behind them.
"Well..." the brunette smiled. "We had a reward challenge and a certain Warrior Princess came out on top."
"Now there's a shocker," joked Gabrielle. "What did you win?"
"I won a catered dinner and a relaxing dip in a hot tub," she gently taunted. "I'm to show up at Probst's yacht before nightfall."
"Probst?" The Amazon crinkled her nose. "That sounds more like a punishment than a reward."
"I don't have to share the food or the hot tub with him, Gabrielle."
"Thank the gods."
"I do, however, get to take someone with me..." Xena raised a suggestive eyebrow.
"Gee," the bard played innocent. "Whomever will you choose?"
"Kelly seems awfully hungry," the warrior nodded back toward camp. "And a nice, relaxing soak in a tub might do her a world of good."
"Ha ha."
Xena grinned. "What do you say we make our way to our reward?"
"I'd love to," replied a beaming Gabrielle as she wrapped her hand around her partner's forearm and headed in the direction indicated on the handwritten map that godconnie had given to Xena.
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