~ The Fifth Amendment ~
Part 5b (Conclusion)
by Mezzo and godconnie
Disclaimer: All characters from Xena: Warrior Princess are property of StudiosUSA and probably many other people who aren't us. This is an alternative fan fiction--Gabrielle and Xena are in love with no apologies.
Survivor is property of CBS and Mark Burnett. We have borrowed characters, both fictional and real. (and honestly, are any of the characters from Survivor 'real?' or are they figments of Mark Burnett and his editor's imagination?) from these television shows and, because this is a parody, we may not have always treated them kindly, but we truly wish no one involved any harm. This is a non-profit piece of fiction.
e-mail for Mezzo is vkellyian@compuserve.com. E-mail for godconnie is ariesscorpio@yahoo.com
******
Colleen, Gabrielle and Xena were fighting their way through the jungle when the Survivor brunette pulled out the map to check there whereabouts. She stopped, looked up and began to giggle.
The co-ed burst into song "The breasts are aliiiiiive with some deeeeep, deeeep cleeeeaavage…"
Gabrielle and Xena were now used to Colleen's odd musical outbursts and paid her no heed. They did look up and noticed two large, rolling, luscious green hills in the distance. Gabrielle walked over to check the map.
"That's the place, Xena. That's where the map says the Island Goddesses are. They do kind of look like…well, you know…"
"Figures," snickered Xena.
The threesome continued their trek toward the hills when Colleen stopped again. She turned to her friends.
"Listen, these Island Goddesses are really, really smart," began the cuddly co-ed.
"Yeah, yeah, and beautiful and 'rrrrooowwwr…'" said Gabrielle. "We know."
"I'm serious," smiled Colleen sadly. "Maybe they're not watching you right now, but when they try to and they can't find you, trust me, those phat chicks will know something's up."
Xena and Gabrielle exchanged worried glances.
"But I can throw them off your trail," said the co-ed excitedly.
"No. We won't have you endangering yourself," said Xena.
"I won't endanger myself. I swear. Besides, the Island Goddesses don't want to hurt anyone. I'm just going to distract them and keep them busy while you find them."
"How are you going to distract them?" said an unconvinced Gabrielle.
"By being cute," replied Colleen. "It works with them. Really."
"Gabrielle, she's right," said Xena quietly.
"Yeah, cute women seem to be the Island Goddesses' Achilles heel," mused Gabrielle.
"OK, then. It's a plan. I'm gonna head back to camp, throw them off the track and you two can find them and kick some bu…" the co-ed glanced at Gabrielle. "Um, talk. You can talk to them," she finished hastily.
The bard smiled.
"Well, guess I better get going," the young woman said.
"Colleen, wait," began Gabrielle.
The Survivor held her head high and kept walking away from the bard.
"Colleen," said Gabrielle again, hurt by the co-ed's seeming indifference.
The sweet brunette stopped and whirled around. "I'm gonna miss youse guys," she cried, running up to the Warrior Princess and throwing her arms around the tall woman.
"Hey," said Xena, blushing when the co-ed finally let go.
"Play nice," warned Colleen to Xena.
The Survivor then turned to Gabrielle.
"That's an awfully emotional good-bye to people you don't think are real," said Gabrielle, a bittersweet smile on her face.
"Oh, you are real. As real as anything. And so is your love," Colleen said.
Tears sprang to Gabrielle's eyes. "Thank you," she whispered. The co-ed and the bard hugged fiercely.
"Go on, you two. I have a feeling there's not much time," said Colleen, tears in her eyes. She turned and fled back toward camp. When the co-ed thought she was far enough away from the pen's protective covering, she began to yell.
"Island Goddesses! Island Goddesses! Xena and Gabrielle are trying to escape!"
Xena snarled, unhitching her chakram. "She's ratting us out. I'm gonna have to knock her out."
Gabrielle took hold of the warrior's hand. "Wait," she said quietly.
Colleen continued to yell into the skies as she ran.
"They're heading to the south side of the island. They said they have a boat and they're going to sail away! They tied me up but I got away."
Xena breathed a sigh of relief and put her chakram away. The south side of the island was in the opposite direction of where they were headed.
"Clever," murmured Gabrielle.
"She's a good kid," said Xena.
Colleen threw a brief, small smile over her shoulder at Xena and Gabrielle before she disappeared from their view deeper into the jungle.
"Yeah, and cute," smiled the bard.
Xena scowled.
"Juuuuust kidding," said the bard.
"Yeah, well, she hugged me first," said Xena as the dynamic duo as they continued toward the breast hills.
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Sprinting away from Xena and Gabrielle, Colleen hoped the ruse would work. If the Island Goddesses were listening, they would focus their powers on the south side of the island in an attempt to stop the dynamic duo. This would give Xena and Gabrielle enough time to find the goddesses' hide-out.
The comely co-ed was nervous. She understood that the Island Goddesses' wanted to make things right for Xena and Gabrielle. But for Colleen, it was no longer a fan fiction. It was real and she wanted her friends to be able to go home.
Besides, they think I'm cute. They'll forgive me, thought Colleen as she headed toward the south side of the island. I hope.
It suddenly occurred to Colleen that the Island Goddesses were likely to get to the south side of the island long before she could. They might even figure out what was going on…being goddesses and all. She needed a distraction.
The Survivor shortly came upon a small, gently cascading waterfall. Purrrrrfect, she thought, grinning.
"Ooooh, I need a bath," Colleen said loudly. "A nice, naked, soothing bath."
The co-ed stripped down to her boxers and stepped beneath the waterfall, letting the water wash over her. She whipped her head back and forth, flinging water as adorably and sexily as she could. That ought to distract them for a bit, she thought. "Oh, the things I do for love," she sighed and giggled, which only made her appear even sexier.
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Meanwhile, Xena and Gabrielle quickly reached the bottom of the breast hills. They stopped to check the map. Ahead of them was a large formation of rocks. Xena glanced down at the map Gabrielle was holding and then walked toward the rocks. There were no doors and no hidden passageway that the warrior could see.
"It's just the side of the hill," said Xena irritably. "But this is where the map points to."
Gabrielle stood about 30 yards away from Xena looking the map over again to see if they had gone the wrong direction at some point.
Xena sighed and leaned back against the rock. The warrior promptly fell backwards. Gabrielle turned to ask a question, only to see the warrior's eyes widen in shock as she disappeared into the rock.
"Xena!" screamed Gabrielle as she ran and dove after the warrior.
Gabrielle found herself falling and then she landed with a loud "Ooof!" For the distance she fell, the bard's landing was surprisingly soft. But her only thought was the Warrior Princess.
"Xena?" she whispered frantically.
"Yesssss," said the warrior from beneath the bard.
Gabrielle's eyes adjusted to the dark. She glanced down to see that Xena was the reason her landing had been so soft.
"Hey there, gorgeous," the bard said, looking into blue eyes and relieved to see her partner.
"Are you OK?" asked Gabrielle, suddenly realizing that she had landed on top of Xena fairly hard. "Did I hurt you?"
"No, no. Lovin' every minute of it," smiled Xena.
Gabrielle climbed up of her soulmate, extending a hand and helping the warrior up off the ground. The dynamic duo finally took a good look around them.
"Holy Fan Fic Cave," murmured Xena, not quite believing her eyes.
They were in what appeared to be a large, lavender-tinted cave. Nearly every inch of the cave walls and ceiling was plastered with thousands of pictures.
"All these paintings and drawings are of us, Xena," said a surprised Gabrielle.
"That's not quite true," the warrior said testily as she scanned their surroundings. "Almost all of the the drawings are of you. There are a few of you and me together, or Aphrodite…look," she pointed. "There are even some of Callisto. But there are no paintings of just…well, of just me," Xena said. "I knew it. Those Island Goddesses don't like me," the warrior almost, but not quite, broke into a pout.
"Xena, the Island Goddesses do too like you," Gabrielle assured her lover. "Look at that giant painting over there. It's nearly as big as you are and in the same shape as you," the bard exclaimed. She walked over to the life-size Xena flicking her eyes back and forth between Xena the real thing and the picture.
"Could I bring her with us?" she grinned mischievously.
Xena smiled, blushing slightly. Another painting distracted the warrior. Gabrielle frowned.
"Xena, how did these pictures come to be? I don't remember sitting for them," said Gabrielle.
"Maybe an artist read your scrolls and was inspired," smiled Xena, looking at a beautiful picture of the bard on top a white steed.
The two continued to explore the cave, checking for any kind of clue as to where the Island Goddesses might be.
"What's this?" whispered the Warrior Princess, stopping in her tracks.
Gabrielle looked to see what had the warrior's stunned attention and gaped at the sight before her.
On a small, rocky ledge protruding from the cave were dozens of small, blonde and brunette figures. Some figures were about the size of Gabrielle's hand. Others were nearly twice that size.
"They're dolls…but they look just like us!" whispered Gabrielle. "Wow. This is almost as creepy as Meg's Tavern."
Xena began an immediate and thorough study of the figures. "They're much more accurate than that stick figure you made of me," she murmured.
"Hey, I had to make that one out of stuff just laying around," said Gabrielle indignantly.
"Well, I did like where you stored it," grinned Xena. "Wait a minute, Gabrielle, these dolls have weapons," noted a surprised Warrior Princess.
She picked up a tiny knife and stabbed her hand with it. The sword bent like the goo from a rubber tree, causing not even the slightest damage. Xena snorted. She then spied a tiny chakram. The dark warrior picked it up and flung it using her index finger and thumb, a happy grin on her face. The chakram bounced off a rock before it disappeared onto the dark floor of the cave.
"They don't work," frowned Xena and she moved onto one of the tall Gabrielle dolls.
The real Gabrielle, meanwhile, spied two other dolls. All of the other figures were posed holding their weapons, or standing on small pedestals. But she couldn't figure these two out. Their positions were so odd. The bard decided to take a closer look and suddenly clamped a hand over her mouth as a blush rushed up her cheeks.
Xena walked over, peering over the bard's shoulder. She smiled and raised a wicked eyebrow. "Well, at least someone's having fun."
Gabrielle scrunched her nose adorably, giving the warrior a playful shove with her shoulder.
"All these things must belong to the Island Goddesses," said Xena. "You know, I've heard of shamanesses who control people through the use of small dolls like this. Maybe it's how they've been controlling things around here."
"If that were true, well…" Gabrielle nodded toward the XXX Xena and Gabrielle dolls. "And I don't see a doll in the likeness of Tapert."
"You've got a point," said the Warrior Princess.
"This is more like a shrine of some sort. It's almost as if they revere us…even worship us," mused Gabrielle. The blonde looked over to see Xena lifting up a long-haired Gabrielle figure's skirt and peering underneath.
Gabrielle cleared her throat.
"These dolls don't have all their parts," stated Xena matter-of-factly.
"Uh-huh. Um, Xena. The Island Goddesses," said Gabrielle, getting the rarely distracted Warrior Princess back on-track.
"Oh, yeah. Butt-kicking time."
"Sensitive chat time," reminded Gabrielle.
Xena scowled. "Well, whatever we do, we have to find them first."
"They have to be around here somewhere. Maybe there's another secret entrance…if the map's correct and Burnett wasn't lying to us," said Gabrielle.
Xena and Gabrielle continued their sweep of the cave. They came to a stop in front of a large, ornate altar. It was carved out of rock with a tall pillar on either side. On the pillars were intricate carvings of swords, chakrams and sais. To the right of the altar stood two life-sized statues of women warriors. At the top of the temple and carved in stone were the words Xena and Gabrielle 4Ever.
At the middle of the altar they found a door with large chains hanging from it. The dynamic duo heaved on the chains with no luck. The door refused to budge. Xena took her sword and chakram and tried to hack through the chain, but it was too strong even for her mighty chakram. The Greek hotties tugged, prodded, poked and finally threw both of their considerable body strength into trying to open the door. It moved not even a millimeter.
"This has to be the entrance, but how does it open?" said a frustrated Xena.
The hairs on the back of Gabrielle's neck began to tingle.
"I can show you how to open that if you want…"
Gabrielle whirled around. "Aphrodite!!" exclaimed a shocked bard.
"Yup, it's me, Sweet Pea. Come to save the day…yet again." Aphrodite glanced over to Xena. "Hey there tall, dark and stuck in a fan fiction."
"What do you know about all this fan fiction stuff?" said a cranky Warrior Princess.
"It's all about love," smiled the Goddess of Love.
"You knew about this all along, Aphrodite?!" exclaimed Gabrielle
"I should've known you had something to do with this," growled the warrior.
"Well, I've had very little to do with this, actually. But just wait until the sequel!" Aphrodite squealed with anticipation. "Anyway, I've come to help."
"Earlier when you 'popped' in, you didn't seem interested in helping us," challenged Gabrielle. "Why the sudden change?"
"The Island Goddesses have written us all so well and within character, that's why. It's in my character to help you two out, natch."
"So stop yakkin' and start helpin'," said Xena.
Aphrodite sighed and rolled her eyes. She walked over to the two warrior statues. Twirling one hand in the air, the Goddess of Love changed her look from pink and frothy to dark green and Army fatigue-y. Her hair was pulled back from her face in a tight pony-tail. She turned, spread her legs apart and clapsed her hands behind her back, addressing the warrior and the bard.
Xena and Gabrielle raised their eyebrows at this sexy, new, Goddess of Love look.
"Getting into the Island Goddess fan fiction inner sanctum is a two-person job," began Aphrodite tersely. "Each of you must grab the breast of one of these statues. Then you have to hold hands. THEN you have to recite a chant."
"You have got to be joking," said Xena.
"Does this outfit look like I'm joking, sister?" said Aphrodite, keeping to a brusque and terse demeanor. Then she grinned. "And, honestly, do you think the Island Goddesses would make it easy to get into their inner sanctum? Why, Mezzo and godconnie blush head to toe every time they have to grab those statues' breasts," said Aphrodite.
"godconnie and Mezzo?" asked Gabrielle.
"The names of the Island Goddesses are godconnie and Mezzo," said the Goddess of Love. "You didn't know that?!"
"Well…no, we didn't," said Gabrielle sheepishly.
"Slipping a little, there, Warrior Princess," said Aphrodite to Xena.
"I'm gonna be slipping my boot into their butts when I find them," muttered Xena.
"I know the goddesses' actions may seem a bit extreme…but it's all for love," said Aphrodite, turning serious. "Anyway…come on. I'll show you how to get in," continued the Goddess of Love, who once again waved her hand in the air, returning to her usual pink, clingy, flowing gown.
Gabrielle and Xena reluctantly stepped up to the statues and placed a hand on each statue's breast and then clapsed each other's hands.
"This is just not right," muttered Gabrielle, blushing yet again. "I don't even know these women!"
"Now, repeat after me…" said Aphrodite. "One, two three, four, five six, seven, eight."
Xena and Gabrielle sighed and repeated the chant.
"Schlemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated," continued Aphrodite.
"What language is that?" exclaimed Gabrielle.
"I dunno, some ancient, sacred text, I think. The Island Goddesses always do this before they pass through. Now say it. Oh, and you have to do this little sacred dance and hop with it." Aphrodite demonstrated, bending her knees and hopping on the appropriate syllable.
"OK, maybe we should kick their asses," Gabrielle said through gritted teeth as she and Xena repeated the sacred text and did the sacred dance and hop.
The door remained stubbornly, obstinately closed.
"It's not working," exclaimed Xena.
"That's because you haven't sang the sacred goddess song yet," said Aphrodite.
"I'm sure you'll teach it to us," said Gabrielle dryly.
"No more singing!" howled Xena.
"We're going to have to change her title from Warrior Princess to Warrior Whiner," Aphrodite whispered to Gabrielle.
"I heard that," said Xena.
The goddess began teaching the dynamic duo the song.
"Do you think you've got it?" queried Aphrodite a few cacophonous moments later.
"Shouldn't the Goddess of Love's singing voice be…well, lovely?" said Xena to Gabrielle.
The Warrior Princess caught a glare and a flash of angry dimple from Aphrodite.
"I'm gonna ignore the diss, Warrior Sis. Now, did you get the song?" asked Aphrodite.
Xena and Gabrielle nodded.
"Well, go on. Sing it so you can get in there and go home," said the Goddess of Love.
"Can't you just send us home," asked an exasperated Xena.
"No."
"Why not?"
"Too easy…not enough action…because," said the Goddess of Love evasively.
Gabrielle gave Aphrodite her best steely stare-down. Aphrodite crumpled.
"Aiiiight, Boo. For some reason, I have limited power around Mezzo and godconnie. I mean, I can move around and zap in and out, but I can't zap anyone else. However, I can zap body parts in and out," the goddess giggled. "Anyway, you're just going to have to get out of here the old fashioned Xena and Gabrielle kick ass and take names later way, 'kay? Now. Sing the song."
Xena and Gabrielle, still holding each other's hands and clasping the statues' breasts began to sing the song as Aphrodite taught them:
"Give us any chance, we'll take it
Give us any rule, we'll break it.
We're gonna make our dreams come true
And we'll do it our way, yes our way.
Make all our dreams come true
And do it our way, yes our way,
Make all our dreams come true
For all the fans."
As they sang the last words, the slab of rock at the center of the altar began to move up, revealing a cavernous hallway and a light in the distance.
"OK, that's where the goddesses spend most of their time," whispered Aphrodite. "Good luck."
"Thank you for your help, Aphrodite," said the bard. "But we really need to talk sometime about your part in all this."
"Jheesh, you can never just be grateful, can you? My part in all this, Sweet Pea, is love. It's all about love." Aphrodite smiled. "See ya soon." She gave a dramatic flourish with her hand and disappeared in a hail of pink and purple hearts.
Xena shook her head. "Gods…and goddesses," she muttered.
The dynamic duo stepped through the door that then began to lower behind them.
"Xena, we need to be sure Tapert can get through," exclaimed Gabrielle.
"What for?!" exclaimed the Warrior Princess.
"If we get a chance at going home, I want to be sure he gets home as well," explained Gabrielle patiently.
Xena sighed, pulled her sword from her scabbard and ran over to the chains. With a mighty warrior heave, she shoved the sword into the chains, preventing the door from lowering any further. She headed back over to Gabrielle.
*********
Tapert had stumbled to the base of the breast hills. But the trail indicated on the map dead-ended into the side of a hill. He began to walk up to it when he tripped over a small rock and fell head first through the secret entrance.
Rich and DemonRichSpawn watched from the jungle. Rich smiled at his fiendish offspring. "Shhhhooowwwtime." The consultant and the baby demon headed for the side of the hill after Tapert.
Back at the Island Goddesses' inner Sanctum Xena and Gabrielle walked through a long hall of rock and stalactites that led to a small opening. The dynamic duo climbed through separately.
"Wow, kind of a small entrance. Someone could get stuck in there," whispered Xena.
The bard and the warrior now found themselves in a larger cave. The walls were adorned with flaming torches. The light from the torches bounced off thousands of bright, sparkling crystal formations in the room.
Gabrielle looked around. Crumpled paper lay everywhere. She picked one up and noticed there were words on the paper.
"Xena, the words don't look like Greek, but I can understand them," murmured Gabrielle.
"Must be some kinda magical translatin' parchment thingie," replied Xena, checking out the smaller cave.
The wads of paper were in piles and seemed to form a trail toward an especially large group of nearly room-sized crystals.
Gabrielle read one of the papers. She cocked her head and then began quickly picking up and reading the other pieces of crumpled paper.
"Xena, there are words describing some of the things that's happened to us since we arrived on the island…but it's just a little different. Like these were the words they decided not to use," whispered the bard excitedly.
The dynamic duo found themselves closer to the large formation of crystals and they could hear quiet, tapping noises. The bard and the Warrior Princess exchanged glances.
Gabrielle grinned. "In order to have fiction, someone has to write words. I wonder..."
The blonde bard stepped around the large group of crystal rocks and saw two gorgeous and voluptuous women sitting with what appeared to be machines in their laps. Their fingers were dancing along the top of the machines making quick, tapping noises. Falling from the machines into small, wicker baskets were dozens and dozens of papers. Every now and again, one or the other of the women would sigh and mutter, grab a paper as it fell, crumple it into a wad and throw it away from the baskets onto the floor.
The two beautiful women paused for a moment, as if sensing something. They looked up, spying Gabrielle, and gasped in gorgeous unison.
"They're not on the south side of the island," exclaimed a woman with dimples and brown eyes.
"Uhhh, pay no attention to those women," yelled the other woman in a deep voice. "I am the mighty and powerful Oz!" The women began typing again and suddenly, inexplicably, disappeared from sight.
But Gabrielle was onto the goddesses and she wasn't about to let go.
"godconnie! Mezzo! Show yourselves!" roared the mighty blonde.
There was no answer from the goddesses, but Gabrielle and Xena could still hear the strange, quick, tapping noises.
"Xena," whispered Gabrielle. "I'm going to try and draw them out. Be ready. We've got to move fast."
"I mean it!" the bard yelled. "Show yourselves! Right now or....or....." she struggled for something to grab their attention. It was obvious that the love she and Xena shared was important to the goddesses.
Gabrielle smiled. "Show yourselves or I'll go have sex with Joxer!"
Xena blanched in horror. "That's a bit drastic, don't you think?"
"Noooooooooo" screamed the two shocked yet stunning brunettes as they appeared before Xena and Gabrielle in a flash of rainbow colored streamers and confetti.
"Anything. Anything but that," pleaded Mezzo.
godconnie suddenly realized that in the horror of hearing Gabrielle's threat of a gross sexual act, the Island Goddesses had left their computers behind.
"Mezzo, it's a trick to get us away from our computers!" exclaimed godconnie. "We've got to get back and write our way out of this!"
Xena whipped her chakram out. "Can you write faster than I can fling this round killing thing?"
Mezzo and godconnie looked at each other, remembering the chakram toss from Motherhood.
"You get us off of this godsforsaken island now and I might let you live," threatened Xena.
"Xena," began Gabrielle, hoping to avoid a physical confrontation with the goddesses.
"Can we have a moment?" asked the goddess of all things Connie.
Mezzo and godconnie stepped away from Xena and Gabrielle. Xena brandished her chakram as a reminder in case they tried to get back to their machines. The two conferred in hushed tones, glancing back to Xena and Gabrielle every now and again. The goddesses nodded to each other and turned to the Bard and the Warrior Princess.
godconnie spoke first. "I'm sorry, we can't let you leave until everything's been put right."
"The Xena and Gabrielle relationship is more important than our own lives," added Mezzo.
"If we have but one life to give for our beloved show..." said godconnie.
"Then so be it," murmured Mezzo as both women sadly bowed their beautiful heads, awaiting their fate.
Gabrielle looked at Xena and whispered, "Sensitive chat time."
Xena tightened her lips into a thin line, but she put her chakram away.
The bard stepped forward, touching Mezzo lightly on the arm. godconnie barely caught her as Mezzo's legs buckled and threatened to collapse beneath her.
"All right. It's obvious this is of incredible importance to you," sighed Gabrielle.
"Not just to us. We're fighting for the greater good of hundreds of thousands of fans all over the world," said godconnie passionately.
"What do you want?" continued the bard, who appreciated the goddessess' struggle for the greater good. "Maybe we can work this out so you…and the fans…get what you all want, and we get to go home."
godconnie and Mezzo looked at each other.
"Well," said godconnie. "You two are soulmates. And you should be acting like soulmates."
"People believe in you and your love with all their hearts. That's been taken away and we want it back," added Mezzo.
Gabrielle nodded.
"And what about Tapert?" inquired the bard.
"Well, many moons ago, Tapert wrote and produced stories on television of your love. They were beautiful stories of love, right and wrong and redemption…with some inconsistencies," sighed Mezzo.
"And then suddenly this last year he wrote and produced stories that ruined your love and were morally bankrupt," continued godconnie. "We're showing him the error of his ways."
"In the most painful way possible," added Mezzo.
"I understand," said Gabrielle. She turned to Mezzo and then godconnie, looking each directly in the eyes. The Island Goddesses sighed, mesmerized.
"Xena and I had a long talk about what's happened to us lately. You have our promise, godconnie and Mezzo, it won't happen again."
"What she said," noted the Warrior Princess, hoping she was going to get to kick some Island Goddess ass sometime soon.
Mezzo and godconnie looked at each other and then at their favorite, most cherished duo.
"Well?" said Xena.
"We heard that conversation. But we need something, some act, to convince us of your sincerity," said godconnie warily.
"Yessss?" asked the Warrior Princess.
"A hot and heavy, open-mouthed kiss between the two of you would be sufficient," said Mezzo in a rush, wondering if she and godconnie would be able to get behind a rock before Xena started hurling the chakram.
"Is that all?!" exploded Xena. "We've been trying to do that for days! Everytime we got close it was like someone was keeping us apart!"
"That's so easy!" exclaimed Gabrielle.
Xena threw her chakram on the floor and reached for the hooks on her armor.
"A kiss!" squealed a blushing godconnie. "Not sex. What do you think we're writing here, an episode of Queer as Folk?!"
Xena halted her armor stripping, but kept her eyes firmly, lustily, passionately on the bard.
Mezzo threw her hands in the air. "Now look what you did. Thanks a lot, gc."
Xena and Gabrielle ignored the goddesses' bickering as they approached each other, blue eyes blazing into fiery green.
"How should we do this, Xena?" said a breathless Gabrielle, happy to have an intimate moment with her warrior. "Hard and fast, slow and passionate, sweet and tasty, long a....?"
"Hush yo mouf and kiss me," growled the Warrior Princess.
gc and Mezzo came to a bickering screeching halt to watch the long-awaited vision before them.
Gabrielle launched herself into Xena's arms. Jet black hair rained down over Gabrielle as Xena dug her fingers into beautifully thick, short, blonde hair. The bard's large, strong hands rubbed the Warrior's neck moving up to frame her face as the two shared the hottest, heaviest, most open-mouthed kiss in the history of the entire universe.
Mezzo and godconnie burst into tears and applause.
"Absolutely fabulous, darlings," sniffled Mezzo.
"I guess we'll have to vote them off the island," sobbed godconnie.
"Island?" murmured Xena dreamily, enjoying her closeness to the bard. "Oh. Island. Yeah."
Gabrielle noted Mezzo and godconnie looking at each other questioningly.
"What? What now?" said a dazed and perplexed bard. "We gave you the hot and heavy open-mouthed kiss. We want to go home now."
"Well, there was another part of our request," said Mezzo.
"There was?" asked godconnie, Gabrielle and Xena together. Mezzo raised an eyebrow at her partner in crime.
"Oh. Yeah! There was," stammered godconnie.
"We were kind of hoping," Mezzo said shyly "That we could get a kiss, too."
"It doesn't have to be too long or anything" said godconnie. Mezzo elbowed godconnie sharply in the side. "Ooof!"
"Sure, I can do that," smiled Xena.
"Ummm, not that I'd kick you out of bed for eating crackers or anything," said Mezzo to Xena. "Well, actually, I would…but we really want a kiss from Gabrielle."
Gabrielle crinkled her nose and raised her eyebrows at Xena.
"Anything for the cause," said the bard.
"I told you they didn't like me," muttered the warrior.
Gabrielle stepped up to godconnie, placing a brief yet exquisite kiss on her cheek.
The bard then stepped toward Mezzo as godconnie hit the floor in a swoon.
Gabrielle stood on her tiptoes to kiss Mezzo on her cheek. Mezzo began to wrap her arms around the bard when she heard a growl.
"Does the term 'redshirt' mean anything to you?" said the Warrior Princess with her trigger-happy finger on her chakram.
"Zoinks!" cried godconnie who clambered up off the floor. "Let's make like a bakery truck and haul buns outta here!"
"Ruh-roh!" agreed a delirious Mezzo.
The two headed for their machines and began tapping furiously.
"Nothing's happening," said an irritated Xena.
"We're getting to it, we promise," said godconnie. "Mezzo, our timing has to be..."
"Juuussttt right," finished Mezzo.
Suddenly Tapert ran into the cave brandishing the glowing lavender pen above his head.
"Why does everyone keep coming into our inner sanctum from that way?" murmured godconnie to Mezzo, barely looking up from her laptop. "Why didn't they use the shortcut? That way they wouldn't have to sing and hop and," godconnie blushed. "stuff."
"Aphrodite," growled Xena. The Goddess of Love, wisely, refused to appear.
"Aha! I've got you now you fan fic VAMPS!!" he screeched interrupting Mezzo's chance to reply…thank god because she was tired of writing explanations.
He stopped and looked around. He leaned over to Xena. "Are those the Island Goddesses?"
"Yessss," replied Xena.
He ran over to goconnie and Mezzo, waving the pen in front of their faces. "Ha! Now you have no power!!"
Mezzo looked up irritably from her lap-top at Tapert. She licked her index finger and thumb, reached out and snuffed the light from the pen and returned to typing.
Tapert gasped in astonishment. He shook the pen, but the light was gone.
"No, no, no, no," cried the defeated executive. "They really are the power that be," he sobbed.
"What the?!" said Xena.
"Remember, we had to show Tapert the error of his ways," said Mezzo, not looking up from her furiously moving fingers.
"We had to bring him here because we've got to send you all back at the same time or we won't be able to get you back at all," added godconnie.
The cave began shaking and rocks began to tumble.
"Who made up that rule?!" exclaimed Gabrielle.
"The wizard," said godconnie.
"We're breaking up! We're breaking up!" yelled an alarmed Mezzo as more of the cave began to tumble down around them.
Tapert looked about him wildly and spied Xena.
"My hero," he whimpered, throwing himself into the warrior's arms. "Send me home, please, send me home. I've got a DemonRichSpawn for a child, no wife, no friends, no power! Everyone hates me…please, I just wanna go home!"
Xena pointed to Mezzo and godconnie. "Talk to them, Tapert, they're the powers that be in this universe."
"You can only go home if you promise to take care of the mess you made of the past year of our lives," said Gabrielle to Tapert.
"Actually, 26 years…but let's just call it the fifth season," said godconnie who continued tapping away at her lap-top.
"Season five only had a few missed opportunities," whined Tapert. "And it was all the subtexters' faults anyway. They didn't make the ratings go up during the fourth season," he sniffled. "Besides, I have to think about the 2-12-year-old children out there watching the show."
An enormous stalactite crashed to the floor, narrowly missing a chance to impale Tapert.
Suddenly, Richard and the DemonRichSpawn burst into the room, getting stuck in the cave doorway.
"You're mine, Tapert! You're going to have lots and lots of babies with me!" screamed the fearsome Rich.
The DemonRichSpawn cackled in glee. "Daddy, come home!"
Tapert's eyes bulged in fear. He threw himself down on his knees in front of godconnie and Mezzo. "OK! Anything! Just let me go home…pleeeeaaazze!"
Rich and the DemonRichSpawn struggled to get through the cave door. Suddenly an ominous trickling sound began, followed by more boulders falling caused by the wriggling of the gruesome twosome.
"godconnie, will that do?" yelled Mezzo, as she was pitched back and forth by the earthquake, doing her best "Bridge of the Enterprise" impersonation.
godconnie nodded to Mezzo. "Let's do it." And the two gorgeous goddesses began typing even faster.
To Gabrielle and Xena's eyes, it seemed Tapert simply disappeared in a tiny blip of light.
Tapert felt himself falling and suddenly opened his eyes with a snort and a grunt. He found himself alone and behind a set built to look like a small, Greek house.
He stood up shakily, brushing dirt and grime from his clothes.
"I'm home! Home!" Tapert whimpered. "I think."
The executive looked around. "What if this is just another chamber of horrors those Island Goddesses have cooked up for me?" Tears of frustration began to form in his eyes. "I don't think I can take another minute of those no-talent, harlots," he cried.
Tapert gasped and covered his mouth. "Oh dear god! What if they heard me?" he worried.
The executive looked to the skies and ducked his head, frightened that something was about to swoop down upon him and eat his brains…his creative and brilliant brains…for lunch. When nothing happened, Tapert breathed a small sigh of relief.
He gathered his wits about him and finally got up the nerve to peek out from behind the set. Actors and actresses were milling about. Stunt men, under the watchful eye of the stunt director, were warming up for a scene. Everything seemed normal. He decided to test the waters.
Tapert stepped out in front of the set and began walking hesitantly, hands in his pockets, knees wobbling, lips pursed and whistling Whenever I Feel Afraid from The King and I.
The stunt director spotted him and hurried over.
"Mr. Tapert, Mr. Tapert," the man called, catching up with the executive. He began to speak and then stopped, looking at Tapert strangely.
Rob returned the stunt director's look. "Maybe he's going to break into song and insult my creative decisions." The executive waited, eyes wide and wild.
"Mr. Tapert," said the stunt director, looking him up and down.
"Or maybe he just thinks I'm sexy," mused Tapert.
The stunt coordinator shrugged and continued. "We've got this scene coming up and we want Xena to use a new weapon in the fight sequence. But we're unsure about what weapon she should use."
The executive's mind was spinning faster than a stationary bicycle. He called me 'Mister' and was actually asking for advice...and for a decision. Could it be that I'm home after all?
"I think Xena should use...a machine gun." Tapert said out loud, eyeing the man warily. If he were still on the island, then surely the Island Goddesses would punish him for daring to assume he had any power and for flaunting such a gross historical inconsistency.
The stunt director blanched. "But, Mr. Tapert, guns weren't even invented when..."
The executive became braver and more confident. "A. Machine. Gun." Tapert said again, adding a little executive diva-ness to get his point across.
The stunt director gulped.
"Yessir, Mr. Tapert. Anything you want, sir," and he ran off.
The executive grinned. The stunt director had been appropriately subservient. Maybe he was free of those Island Goddesses after all.
Unless it's some sort of trick, he thought furtively. Maybe they're just giving me one nice thing to get me to feel comfortable and then they'll snap me like a twig!
Tapert turned to run back to the safety of the set when Lucy Lawless walked up to him, a plush bath robe thrown over her leather costume and dark glasses on her face. She pulled them off, exposing her baby blues.
"Hey, sweetie," she cooed to the executive, wrapping her arms around him and placing a seductive kiss on his lips.
Tapert stood very still, waiting for the neck pinch to cut the flow of blood off to his brain, killing him and putting him out of his fan fiction misery once and for all.
But Lucy simply hugged him tighter, nibbling on his ear.
"Yee-yee-yeee-yooowww!" exclaimed Tapert and other parts of his anatomy. "I really am home!"
Lawless pulled away, looking at him questioningly, a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.
"Honey, you are not going to believe what happened to me…" said the executive excitedly. And then he stopped.
She really won't believe me. No one would, he thought. Tapert noticed his gorgeous wife looking at him expectantly. He laughed.
"Oh! It's just...I was going over some dialogue I'm writing for an upcoming episode," he said to cover his outburst.
"You know I don't want to hear about that stuff ahead of time," she smiled, absently, rubbing his tummy.
Just then, Renee O'Connor walked up. She was clothed in a blue robe that was open and exposing her gorgeous abs. Tapert flashed back to the island. He stepped away from Lawless abruptly.
"We weren't doing nothin'. Honest!" he cried, turning to run for his life.
Renee laughed and scrunched up her nose.
"Have you been eating mushrooms again?" she asked Tapert mischievously.
Tapert stopped mid-flee, looking back at Renee and Lucy.
Renee turned her attention to Lawless. "Ready for some action?"
"Hey!" yelled an indignant Tapert, thinking he was most definitely back on the island after all.
Renee looked at Tapert strangely. "Fight scene, Rob." she smiled.
"Oh. Ohhhhh. A fight scene," said Tapert as another huge grin made its way across his face.
Lawless chuckled, reaching over and patting the executive on his butt.
Tapert felt all toasty and warm, especially his butt. His wife wasn't acting like a crabby warrior and she wasn't flirting with Gabrielle…er…Renee. People were paying attention to him and treating him as if he had power. Everything seemed normal. The executive producer of Xena Warrior Princess was incredibly, unbelievably relieved.
"It was really just a giant, awful dream after all," he thought. "The dream must have been the result of a momentary lapse in self-confidence… combined with some bad mushrooms. And I didn't fall from the sky. I just fell asleep and woke up all disoriented."
"To hell with that damn island," he growled out loud. "It's back to business as usual."
"Sweetie, are you sure you're OK?" asked a concerned Lawless at her husband's sudden change in demeanor. "Maybe you've been working too hard."
He smiled. "I am right as rain. Just, you know, working on script lines again."
"Places!" yelled the director.
Renee smiled. "Catch you in a minute," she said to her co-star and headed toward the director.
Lucy gave Tapert a warm hug good-bye.
"That's my cue, baby. See you after work and, um, I like that t-shirt. We should see what we can do about that tonight," she gave him a lewdly flirtatious wink and headed off to do her scene.
Tapert cocked his head. He couldn't imagine what Lucy was talking about. "T-shirt?" He looked down to see that his shirt still read Xena's Love Child on Board.
"No, oh…no," he whispered, horrified.
And then Tapert felt a hot white pain in his back. He spun around. No one was there. His forehead broke out in a sweat as he looked down to see the DemonRichSpawn stabbing his leg with a pitchfork.
"Aaaaiiiieeeee!" screamed Tapert, turning around and running toward the set crew and away from his demon offspring.
The crazed executive producer crashed into the center of the crew at full tilt, falling to the ground and then scrambling back up. Everyone stopped their activity, surprised by their normally quiet boss' sudden and strange behavior.
Tapert spun around. Everyone was staring at him.
God, I must look like a crazy man, he thought. The executive was frantically trying to come up with an excuse for his odd behavior when, to the back of the gathered crowd, Tapert spied the DemonRichSpawn. The creature was jumping up and down, brandishing its pitchfork and cackling.
"There!" he screamed, pointing. "Don't you see it? It's some sort of awful, horrible creation of the fans come to life!"
The crewmembers looked around, trying to find what Tapert was motioning toward. But they saw nothing.
"They want to destroy me…or take over the world…well, same thing," cried the executive. He was met with wary and worried glances from the crew. "No. See, you gotta understand. I was trapped on Survivor Island with Xena and Gabrielle. And there were these fans calling themselves 'Island Goddesses' and they were all torturing me and I had sex with Xena…only it turned out to be Rich…and I got pregnant…and then I had a demon for a baby and, and then I thought I had escaped but now it's followed me here," the executive blubbered.
Head writer, R.J. Stewart observed Tapert's apparent breakdown with glee. Exxxccellent. Now I can rule the entire show. Me, me, me! he thought.
"Wow, he did get into some bad mushrooms," whispered O'Connor.
"It's the relationship, stupid," cackled the demon.
"The relationship?" sobbed Tapert.
"Sweetheart," said a concerned Lawless. "There's nothing there. It's just us."
"But…but…" cried the executive as the demon offspring laughed maniacally.
"The relationship," the creature jumped up and down, punching its pitchfork into the ground, red sparks and fire flying from his tiny, baby demon hooves.
And Tapert, despite an ego the size of Montana, finally cracked like the Sahara Desert.
Tapert nodded his head, shifting from foot to foot like he was channeling Dustin Hoffman's Rain Man performance. He ran his hands through his wild, red hair, smoothing it down and taking some time to gather his thoughts.
How can I get out of this? he thought desperately. He had to please the goddesses and keep the crew from thinking he was completely insane. Am I insane? Tapert thought. Yes, you are quite insane, he answered himself. And, besides, R.J.'s just looking for a reason to take over.
Tapert hit upon an idea. It was a long shot, but…
"Got ya!" Tapert laughed raggedly, pointing at Lawless. He then tugged on his own T-shirt. "Just having a little fun with y'all."
And, luckily for the executive, his wife's odd-duck sense of humor kicked in and she began to laugh uproariously. After a moment of bewilderment, the rest of the crew joined in.
"Yeah, that was sooo funny, wasn't it?" said Tapert who had pulled himself back from the brink of insanity, but could see that the yawning abyss was still only a few feet away.
"But, seriously, I have something to tell you all about the show…"
The crowd quieted down, waiting expectantly. And Tapert decided it was time to take control.
"Season Six will be the return of the Xena and Gabrielle we all know and love!"
"What the fuh?" said a startled R.J. Stewart.
"R.J.!" ordered Tapert, pointing to the head writer. "We're going to have Xena save Gabrielle and Gabrielle save Xena. They're gonna bond, reaffirm their soulmate status. We're gonna find the love. Got it?"
"Oooooohkay," said Stewart. "But don't you think we should..."
"Now!" roared the executive producer of Xena: Warrior Princess.
Stewart's eyes widened in surprise. "Right, boss. I'll get right on it."
"No executive coup d'etat today, I guess," muttered Stewart as he headed off to find his lap-top.
"And Lucy!" Tapert turned to Lawless. "No more bad boys for Xena. Just one good girl: Gabrielle. And that 'no touching' gag rule I put into effect last year? It's lifted as of this moment!"
Lawless put her hands on her hips and smiled proudly at her husband. "It's about time, honey."
"Renee!" said an authoritative Tapert. O'Connor stepped forward from the crowd. "We're going to explore what Gabrielle's been going through. She's much more than a sidekick and we're going to start treating her with respect. She's Xena's soulmate. I mean, really, Xena: Warrior Princess is all about the re…re….." The executive stopped and then tried again. "It's all about the re…rrreee" Tapert just couldn't quite spit it out. "I don't know if I can do it," he whispered.
"C'mon Rob, I know you can," urged O'Connor from the sidelines.
"Let's go home to the island! Daddy Rich is waiting!" cried the demon offspring gleefully.
"The Relationship! The Relationship! The Relationship!" screamed Tapert. "It's all about the relationship from now on!"
The cast and crew of Xena: Warrior Princess broke into wild applause and began to surge forward to congratulate the executive. Tapert found his hand grabbed and shaken and his back…and even his butt…patted by ecstatic and happy crew members.
Wow, thought Tapert. Who knew? Even the crew loves the relationship.
Tapert looked to the back of the crowd, searching for his demon offspring. He felt a tugging on his t-shirt and looked down. It was there. Grinning up at him, eyes blue as the sky.
The creature winked at him.
"Remember. It's the Relationship…or I'll be baaaaack. Bye, bye…Daddy!" and poof, the creature disappeared.
Tapert was so relieved that he promptly fainted.
Back in the Fan Fic Cave, as Gabrielle and Xena saw Tapert disappear, they felt the world shift under their feet. Once again, they were plummeting from the sky, yelling at the top of their lungs. But this time as the ground rushed to meet them, their speed slowed until they were floating gently down. Xena chuckled, reaching for Gabrielle's hand. The bard gave a sweet, husky coo of approval. The two soulmates landed softly in a large pile of furs beside a crackling fire on a cool, spring evening as the stars shown brightly above them. Argo II looked over and snorted.
"We're home," whispered Gabrielle.
"Home," replied Xena, looking to Gabrielle.
"Gabrielle," said a worried warrior. "Did you feel anything when you kissed Mezzo and godconnie?"
"I felt...something," Gabrielle said hesitantly.
"Something?!" yelped Xena. "Something?!"
Gabrielle laughed, enjoying Xena's discomfort. "Baby, nothing like I feel for you," relented the mischievous bard.
"That has to be one of our stranger adventures, but I think there was a lot to be learned," said Gabrielle, turning serious.
"Like?" said the warrior whose mind was nowhere near the island but all over Gabrielle.
Gabrielle knew where Xena's mind was and smiled. She cupped Xena's face in her large hands to get the warrior's full attention.
"Xena, I love you more than anything. I can't imagine my life without you. Promise me we'll be true to ourselves and stick together no matter what…promise me, Xena," the bard said with an intensity and passion that rocked the warrior's world.
"I promise with everything I am," replied the warrior with a sincerity that made the bard feel safe, loved and home.
They looked into each other's eyes for a moment longer until Xena began to smile, giving the bard "that look."
"Ummm, Gabrielle," said Xena. "Are you sure Mezzo and godconnie aren't still writing our story because I feel the sudden urge to...."
"Hush yo mouf and kiss me, Warrior" interrupted Gabrielle.
And so they did...and puhhhhhhh-lenty more.
*******
Back on Survivor Island, all returned to normal. Burnett was happy because Tapert, Xena, Gabrielle and the Island Goddesses finally disappeared, leaving him as the ultimate ruler of the island.
Colleen was able to refocus her attention on the competition. But she hoped everyone was safe…even Tapert. She also hoped the Island Goddesses weren't upset with her for helping Xena and Gabrielle find them.
The morning after her friends disappeared from the island, the co-ed was off by herself picking up some firewood when the first snowflake fell. She smiled, looking up to see the snow floating gently down on her face.
"Thank you," came a whisper from all around the Survivor, followed by beautiful, gorgeous, goddess laughter as the snow continued to fall. Colleen broke into a gigantic grin and headed back toward camp.
The End.
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