Chapter 8
Clad in the ratty flower printed housecoat, Marsha Nieland puttered around the
sparsely furnished house in an effort to keep her mind off the disaster that
was forming right in front of her eyes. I can’t believe that ungrateful twit
hasn’t come home yet. She put a pot
on the stove to boil for tea. I give her a roof over her head, clothes on
her back, and I taught her about life. This is how she repays me? By
humiliating me in front of those uppity folks. She snorted and got out the
box of lemon zinger from the dingy white cabinets.
I worked my ass off all those weird jobs for years so I’d have something
now. Don’t hurt to have a little more. Now that she’s gone, I wonder if they’ll
stop the payments? She shuffled across the splotched tiled floor and set
the now filled cut on top of the old table. Damn fool woman done ruined it
for everybody. Knew she was too much like that useless father of hers even ran
away like he did for no reason, and I gave him everything a man could want. Dummies just don’t know when they got it
good.
Marsha sat down and pulled her chair up to the table. Now these uppity fools
ain’t doing a thing. Connections my ass, and they haven’t even called me to
tell me what’s goin on. The blonde woman stirred her tea with vehemence. I
have the mind to pick up the phone and give them a piece. . . The older
woman jumped up from the table and went for the phone.
She dialed the St. Jean’s number and waited as it rung three times. Fair brows
bunched in confusion when the phone was picked up with a clatter. “Hello?” She
heard scuffling, but there was no reply. Irritated, she hung up. “Damn people.”
* * *
Beatrice sucked in a breath and prepared herself for another blow. It landed in
her stomach, and she choked down the vomit that threatened to rush upward. She
had become good at that as well as silence. A cry meant a harder blow. The
woman learned that early on.
What had she done to deserve this? She spilled his morning shot of whiskey and
burned his breakfast, which were both punishable crimes in Max Sr.’s eyes. With
eyes hooded in pain, Beatrice peered up at him from the floor, seeing him as a
rabid dog, snarling, drooling, and barking incoherently. She then shrunk deep
inside herself until there was no pain, no light, no sound just an empty dark
place. Her thoughts scattered then united to return to the point that had
distracted her in the first place, Michelle.
In the past few weeks, the calls flooded in. Beatrice had never lied so much in
her entire life, but sometimes a lie promotes a greater truth. That was what
interested her. It’s what pushed her. Her foundation was rattled by a viscous
kick, but it soon righted itself to nothingness. I’m not here anymore.
Haven’t been for a long time. You can’t hurt what’s not there.
Max watched his wife with a snarling smile. I own you just like I own
everything in this house. He would be proud if he could see me right now. “You
have to do what you have to do to keep your women in line.” I remember him
saying that like yesterday. He was right. He had to keep that whore mother of
mine in her place. She cheated. She lied. He told me so. I won’t have that
happen to me, ever. Unless, I tell her to.
“You can’t get shit right can you?! Can you!?” She did not answer, and he did not expect her to. Max knocked the
suddenly ringing phone to the floor and continued his task.
Max Jr. let himself into his parents’ house. The site that greeted him, as he
stepped into the living room stopped him cold. His mother writhed on the floor,
not making a sound, while his father stood above her screaming. Max watched a
kick land and almost lift her off the floor. Still, she barely let out a sound.
He must have made one though because eyes turned to him. He saw one set like
his own lit with anger. The others held everything—agony, sadness, resignation.
Then there was nothing. Max’s insides cringed in reaction, feeling . .
.something. Is this what Michelle looks like when I do this to her. Is that
the way she feels? Max Sr. turned to his son and smiled. The younger St.
Jean blinked at the smile but ignored it to try to grasp onto unidentified
emotions. Before he could, the feeling was gone, and Max Jr. grinned at his
father.
Chapter 9
Bobbi stood tall, despite being knee deep in snow. She pulled the white parka
closer to her zipping it up all the way over the cream-colored sweater, then
wiped away dark tresses the wind blew haphazardly from under the knit cap. Pale
blue tracked the Husky as he pranced in the snow. Because of her lack of fear
concerning the weather at the moment, Bobbi allowed him to play instead of just
taking a quick leg up.
She scanned her yard then the blue-grey sky, knowing they had a long way to go
before a thaw was even contemplated. It was just late January. Come on Spring. I’ll
even consider going to a tractor pull or two. Taz ran in front of her then
around with his tongue lolling and his breath coming out in white clouds. She
smiled at his antics. The brunette did not ask for this duty, but it went along
with bathing the Husky. It just
happened simply because the blonde had yet to step a foot out of the house. She
had yet to do a lot of things like even getting dressed.
She’s entitled to take it as slow as she wants. It had been a little over
three weeks, and she has yelled at me, laughed, read, watched TV, and had
finally played on the computer. All things she probably has never done before,
and I helped without really helping at all, just being there when it all
happened was a revelation. A small smile played on her lips.
She even came to talk to me all excited and a glow. I guess Nora Roberts is
her new favorite author. Bobbi recalled their first conversation centered
around books. The sparkle in the blonde’s eyes made her eager just to be a part
of it.
Bobbi sat at the kitchen table drinking a tall glass of milk and
finishing the last vestiges of a ham and cheese sandwich. The brunette took the
last bite and licked the mayo from her thumb with a contented hum. Scooting the
chair back, she made her way to the sink to wash her dishes.
The sound of the door opening across the hall made her look up to find Michelle
with eyes cast to the ground, a book in her hand, and leaning against the far
wall of the kitchen.
Careful to stay where she was, the doctor turned off the water and completely
turned around to face the blonde. 'I think that she's offering me a chance
here,' Bobbi thought to herself. She didn’t say a word, waiting for the petite
woman to lead. The kitchen was cast in silence until it was broken by a shy
voice.
”H-have you read this one? Hidden Riches ? I started on her other ones
already. Don’t know how I keep track, but they’re all good. I-I just finished
this one.” She looked up slightly when she spoke but stayed against the wall as
if she were a part of it.
To prevent from saying the wrong thing and maybe draw her out a little, Bobbi
simply nodded. 'Gotta take this slow.'
Confused, Michelle asked, “You have read it, or you think they’re all good?”
They were simple questions that required simple answers. The doctor kept that
in mind. “Yes, both.” 'C'mon, it's your
turn Michelle.'
Thrown by the doctor’s lack of response, the blonde moved closer. Small hands
caressed the book cover. “I-I laughed, talked out loud to it, and almost cried
when. . . Izzy got shot.” She frowned and paled as if remembering losing a best
friend. “Never. . .done that before. Do you?”
Having gotten what she wanted and what she figured the blonde needed, Bobbi
started to respond, “Yeah, I do, but not everybody can. It takes a lot of
commitment to lose yourself into a book and actually feel and see what’s going
on. Takes a special person to open herself up like that.” The brunette took the
drying towel from her shoulder and folded it.
Michelle shook her head. “I’m not. . .special. Just never had the chance to. .
.” Her hands fell to the side and she fiddled with the seams of her pajama
pants as she turned away.
Bobbi hesitated almost taking a step closer. She grasped the sink as some type
of anchor to keep her. “You have all the chances to do what you want now.”
'It's up to you to take them.'
The blonde head jerked up and green eyes studied the taller woman as if trying
to read something in her eyes, looking for a secret knowledge. “I don’t
understand. Why?”
”Because everyone should,” Bobbi answered softly.
Jade eyes widened in disbelief. “But, no one ever. . .helped me.” Her voice
trailed off as she turned her head to the side. A second later the blonde
looked back. “Why?”
”Because I want to,” the brunette added with conviction.
Fear and confusion warred in the younger woman’s features. She asked again,
“Why?”
Bobbi paused for only a tick before replying, “Because it’s your turn.”
'Maybe, I'm doing
something right here.' Their gazes
locked for long minutes, asking
questions and looking for answers, before the blonde backed out of the kitchen
to return to the solitude of her room, leaving the doctor wondering if anything
she said was believed.
A gust of frigid air and Taz barking at her brought the brunette back to the
present. She looked down at the dog, who looked back at her curiously. “Do you
think she knows that I know about what happened to her? That I suspect?”
”Wuff?”
”I don’t know, boy that conversation was cutting it pretty close. I don’t want
her to be ashamed of what happened. She hasn’t really talked to me in the past
couple of days. It’s not her fault, ya know?”
”Wuff!”
”Yeah, I know. I guess I can’t stop her from feeling whatever she’s feeling.” I
can’t stop wanting to reach out to her. I know she’s not you, Stevie. I see
that she barely knows who she is at all. I failed you and so many others. I
don’t know if there’s anything inside anymore. Each time, something broke
inside me, and each time she laughs or speaks, something wakes up inside me. I
don’t know how to explain it, but I want to do more, feel more. I may not get
that chance.
Taz nudged her leg. “This could all just end any day now. You know that, boy? I
know Mike said her engine was shot. That’s gonna cost a lot to fix. A couple
hundred I think she said, but you know, boy? She didn’t look too phased by
that. I wonder why?”
”Wuff!”
She bent down to scratch his ears. “Yeah, I guess I’m gonna have to be patient.
Funny. . .that’s something I’ve got a lot of all of a sudden.”
She looked up and around at the sound of her name being called. The brunette
zeroed in on a figure moving toward her and stopping at the bushes, separating
their houses. Bobbi patted Taz’s head, beckoning him to follow as she made her
way over to her neighbor.
”Doc B! Glad I caught ya! Was just about to call when I saw ya out here.” He pulled the plaid scarf away from his
mouth and gave her a pearly grin, showing his pristine white dentures.
Bobbi smiled fondly at him. “What can do for ya, Mr. Crenshaw?”
He paused and yanked the red and blue plaid rabbit-eared hat further down on
his head. Without saying a word, he removed a glove and stuck his index finger
in his mouth. The brunette watched and waited patiently. The old man stepped
back from the bushes then turned right to left, holding his wet finger up.
“Hmm.” He wiped his hand on the blue overalls and reapplied the glove. “Guess
that’s why it’s acting up. More snow coming in a few days from the west.
Arthritis been killing me somethin' awful all night. Twas the same way the last
storm. You gonna be open this morning?”
”Yep, been up and running for the past few weeks or so, not many patients
though. Wanna come on in?”
”Yah, yah wantcha to take a look at it. Usually soakin' helps but it didn’t
this time.”
Bobbi wiped at her chin with a gloved hand. “Well, stop by around ten. Just
come on in, and I’ll be in the office.” She gave him a warm smile. “I’d much
appreciate it if you’d bring me a thermos of you’re wife’s tea.”
”Eh, ya mean the one that tastes like punch?”
”Yeah, Blue Eyes. I think it's
called. It’ll hit the spot.”
Bill Crenshaw nodded his head. “Yah, yah that it would.” He gave her a wink.
“I’ll bring two cups. Not much for fruity drinks, but I’ll join ya.”
”Good thing.” She winked back. “See you at ten.”
He turned to go, but not before saying, “Oh, I’ll be there.”
The doctor watched him limp back to his own house. She glanced down at Taz and
frowned. “See? It’s so easy to give and be nice to them, patients I mean. I
don’t know how to do it with other people. I haven’t in a long time. It hurt
too much. I didn’t want to care about anybody and let them down. What am I
gonna do, boy?”
He looked up at her and whined.
“I can’t believe I’m even admitting it. But the big question here is what am I
gonna do about your mom? She doesn’t need anyone else to let her down.” Bobbi
kneeled down far enough to feel the wet snow brushing the seat of her jeans.
She wrapped an awkward arm around the dog and hugged him, burying her face in
his fur. “I have a fucked up track record, boy. Seemed like it started the day
I was born, thirty-three years. It seems like forever.” The brunette mumbled.
“I hope for all our sakes that I just don’t add to it.”
* * *
Michelle gathered her things for the bath. She looked down at the sleeping Toby
before exiting the bedroom. The blonde left the door cracked to allow Taz’s
re-entry, knowing he would return and watch over the child. She did the same
for the bathroom, allowing him to come get her if something happened.
The petite woman stripped out of her pajamas, while standing in front of the
mirror above the sink. She stepped back, getting as much of her body into the
reflection as possible. The weight gain from the pregnancy still left her
slightly rounded where she was whip thin before. She looked passed the
permanent scars. The bruises that lined her torso had all but faded. There was
only a mild discoloration now, but this morning, the pain had been so real.
Still, it was all a dream. . . a
nightmare really.
She had expected them to come earlier, but for some reason her psyche chose
this morning. She had awakened in a cold sweat with a soft cry as a prelude to
what could have been a bigger one. Hands shook, and breathing rasped. She had
wanted to submerge herself in the familiar smell and warmth of her son but was
reluctant to wake him from a peaceful sleep. Settling, the blonde drew her
knees to her chest, rocking herself until her heart rate proceeded to a normal
rhythm and coherence of the present returned.
Frightened green eyes peered back at her from the mirror. I thought I’d
escaped you Max, but you’re still here aren’t you? Inside somewhere. Now that
I’m doing more than I ever have, feeling more than I ever have, you’re in here
trying to keep me down. I felt everything---the punches and kicks, like it was
real. I expected to see your handprints on my body, but there were none. I can
laugh now Max. I can read, watch TV and talk if I want to. A glint of
determination sparkled in her eye, and the same boldness and bravado that made
her leave in the first place, returned.
Why would I want to go back to being nothing? I’m not going to let you take
me back. It may have been the only way I know, but I’m learning new ways you
bastard. I will be that woman in the mirror no matter how long it takes, and
you’re not gonna stop me no matter where you are. I won Max. She walked up
to the sink and gripped the edges as she examined herself up close. Eyes full
of emotion looked back at her.
I won. I may not have been able to stand up to you in person, but I’m trying
to now. I can’t think or do without second-guessing myself because of you and
momma. Half the time, I don’t know if I’m coming or going, but I’m here dammit.
Her grip tightened. “Now, please, please let me be her, let me become her.
Leave me the hell alone.” Michelle begged softly.
Mentally drained for the moment, the blonde turned to the bathtub and turned on
the water, hoping it would replenish whatever she had lost. The week had been
one of discovery. She had found a whole new world in reading. It was one she
had been to often throughout the week. The Internet was a wonder, taking her to
all new places. She went to China, Australia, Greece, and Italy, getting lost
in the culture and pictures that made her feel like a dyed in the wool tourist.
Michelle had even learned that getting her car fixed was going to cost more
money than she could actually spend. After all, the three thousand was all the
money the blonde had in the world. It had to last. She should have been
disappointed, distressed, or even fearful that she was stuck somewhere some
parts of her didn’t want to be.
But, each morning she woke up, the blonde felt a little safer. It had been a
long time since she felt that so long that it felt like never. This house,
these walls protected her from the whiteness both inside her head and outside
that trapped her many a time. Now, the young woman wished that she could feel
completely safe with the owner.
Michelle turned on the shower head and stepped in, letting the burst of cold
then hot water wash away the last vestiges of the nightmare and the grimy feel
of Max’s hands on her. Taking the cake of Ivory soap from the soap dish, she
built lather until it was thick foam. The blonde scrubbed at her skin, until it
was slightly pink. Letting the water bead down on her head, Michelle slicked
long blonde strands away from her face and down her back.
Can I get used to it? Is it really my turn? Kindness is something that is as
foreign to me as Italy or all those places I looked up. At first, it was as if
it was killing her to be nice to me, but now. . .it’s like she does it without
thought.. What changed? And will it change again? Is that what I’m afraid of?
It’s like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I know it always does.
Would that woman I see in the mirror be so trusting? Would she welcome all this
without a doubt?
I have to wonder if any sane person would. Part of me has to wonder if she’s
doing this all because she feels sorry for me. She knows, at least I think she
does. I guess I’m a walking sign for abused wives with the way I act. I don’t
want her to feel sorry for me. I think I do enough of that every morning when I
wake up.
I haven’t even been able to convince myself to get dressed. My pajamas have
sorta become multi-functional. But, today, I’m gonna try to make all that
change. Today, I’m going outside. Maybe if she sees that I’m not feeling so
sorry for myself, I’ll see who she really is and understand why she’s really
doing this—why anyone would do this. Caught in her thoughts, Michelle stood
directly under the warm stream and rinsed the soap from her body, wishing she
could wash away the confusion and the uncertainty.
They remained.
The petite blonde stepped out of the shower and back in front of the mirror.
For the first time, her body was her own to do with as she pleased. She turned
to the side. All the while wondering if she looked the part of strong and
confident, would it really be that way? Maybe the confusion would be a thing of
the past. Maybe the uncertain wouldn’t look so daunting. It seemed to work for
Bobbi. Michelle had become accustomed to hearing instructions from an exercise
video murmured almost every morning. Would she let me use it? She dried
off with a thick, fluffy towel then wrapped it twice around her body.
Maybe I could. . . maybe. She paused as the reluctance to break from
imposed boundaries returned, convincing her that too much was not safe. Maybe
I’ll do the outside first, and then see what tomorrow brings.
Michelle reached for the blow dryer that she brought from the bedroom and
plugged it into the socket in the light above the sink. She turned it on low in
order to keep one ear on the other room and the cracked door, just in case.
Swallowing down some of her apprehension, she picked up a brush and started her
task, so she could prepare for a more important one. Outside.
It was time to face the whiteness that should have been associated with purity,
but it had only grown to represent pain. Driving and walking in it was a
necessity in this region, but Michelle did it as quickly as possible and with
grudging reluctance. It was only a means to an end.
Each yell from her mother, each punch from her husband had reminded her of
being frostbitten as a child--the burning pain in her arms, legs, and
everywhere then the coldness of nothing.
The yelling made her head ache and skin and insides
burn. As a ten-year-old, it made her thoughts fuzzy, pasty. Michelle wanted to
pull her hair just to feel a different pain, but she did nothing, just stood
there and listened with eyes cast to the ground. 'It hurts so much.
Somebody please make it go away,' she pleaded silently.
“Dontcha ask me to help ya with your homework. You stupid little twit. You
don’t need that stuff anyhow. You’re nothing! I got a math problem for ya.
Nothing plus nothing equals nothing. That’s what you are and always gonna be!”
“Yes, momma.”
“Now get outta my face. I don’t care where ya go just get outta here. That
school can’t teach you as much as I can.”
Michelle stood there waiting for the inevitable, waiting for more. Her head
didn’t hurt anymore. She felt nothing at all.
“I said get out!” Marsha grabbed her daughter by the arm and dragged her
through the living room to the front door. “Stupid girl!” She jerked the thick
wooden door open and pushed the blonde on the doorstep into the frigid cold,
wearing nothing but a light sweater, jeans, and sneakers.
Michelle stood out there for what seemed like hours, watching the other kids
walk in groups to the bus stop. They didn’t look her way. They didn’t speak,
and she watched on when the bus drove by.
A slow burning started in her fingertips and toes and worked its way up, making
her want to scream in pain. Tears fell from her eyes and froze on her face.
Unable to take the burning anymore, she ran from it. 'So cold. So cold inside
and outside,' her mind screamed.
The drifts of white powder made the sun glare
angrily, blinding her. It was everywhere, the whiteness. She ran until houses
turned into stores. Painful breath rattled in her chest and she slowed from
sheer exhaustion. The tears had dried long ago, but she looked down at her
hands, seeing them tinged red.
She looked in a store window to see her face the same color, and her nose ran
like a faucet. The pain was gone. She couldn’t feel her fingers or her toes.
Snow caked her shoes and legs turning the black jeans and a crusty white.
Disoriented and tired, Michelle walked into a busy convenience store and found
a place in the back. The burning returned, and she cried silently as her body
thawed. 'Safe.'
It wasn’t until the tears ran out that she moved
from her corner to look at the clock. It was time to go home. School was out.
Despite strange looks, the blonde girl exited the store and stood at the corner
quietly until a big yellow bus stopped to pick her up. When she got home, the
yelling started again, and so did the burning.
Still, she hated the snow, hated the pain and the numbness it had grown
to represent both inside and out. But now, the blonde knew better. It was all
in her head—the association and the fear. If I can escape you, Max, surely I
can face this. I can try. Without you and momma here to dirty it anymore, maybe
it’ll become pure again. I’m taking everything back day by day. In a while,
I’ll have everything. I’ll have myself.
Now back in the kitchen, Bobbi filled the dog’s water bowl and his food dish
with Purina Dog Chow. She raised a brow when he bypassed it to head straight to
his mistress’ bedroom. He pushed the cracked door open and let himself inside.
The brunette walked to the doorway and stopped to listen. After a few minutes,
she heard nothing and turned to go, when the light under the bathroom door
caught her eye. What are you getting ready to do today, Michelle? Something
new?
Her head turned quickly back to the bedroom at the sound of a soft ‘wuff.’
Assuming the blonde was in the bathroom, Bobbi ventured into the room to make
sure nothing was amiss. Taz hovered over the crib, supporting himself on two,
wet front paws. She looked at him in awe. “You’re really something else, boy.
How do you know to check up on him?” He glanced at her and whined in reply.
The brunette looked down into the bassinet to see blue-green eyes staring back
at her. Toby cooed and moved his arms and legs to the beat of his own drummer.
She smiled and lent him a finger to grasp. “Well, hey there Peanut. Long time
no see. You been good company for your momma?”
Toby responded with a gurgle and drool. The doctor almost awed. “You know you
are the cutest thing I’ve seen in a long time.” She clucked her tongue at him.
“You’re gonna be a real heartbreaker arentcha?” She asked cheerfully. Babies
came a dime a dozen in her practice. Bobbi had delivered a lion’s share of
them, but she was seldom responsible for one no longer than it took for a check
up. Some trusted her more than the new local pediatrician. Still, having one in
her house seemed like a novelty at first.
Now, she did not think he could be treated as such anymore. Bobbi caressed his
cheek. “If your mommy let’s me, you and me need to get acquainted. You two
might be around a while. I can’t just ogle you like you’re under a glass
anymore.” She smirked. “Good thing you don’t know what I’m saying that could
have been insulting.”
She was already unsure how far she could help the blonde, throwing a baby in
the mix made her uncertainty grow. “You can’t need a lot from me, right? Other
than babysitting that is. I’m afraid I don’t know how to do anything else,
Peanut.”
Still wrapped in the towel and with her pajamas draped over her shoulders,
Michelle made her way back to the bedroom. She stopped at the semi-open door,
hearing voices. Tentatively, the blonde moved closer and pushed the door open
completely. Taz moved toward her, but she shook him away.
Green eyes widened in surprise and sudden trepidation. Her first instinct was a
learned one. It was simple. Be still and be quiet. The petite woman sucked in a
breath quietly. No one was going to raise their voice. No one was going to
raise their fist. No one was going to humiliate her. So, just like that, her
first instinct was discarded.
Michelle went with her second one. She watched and analyzed what the brunette
was saying, silently. Is that acceptance I hear in her voice? She doesn’t
sound upset at the fact that we’re stuck here. Does she want to get to know me
as well? I think I was under glass too. Am I finally a person to her?
She’s talking to him like she cares. How could she? She doesn’t know us. The
woman I want to be maybe would’ve given her an invitation by now to see what’s
inside. What will she see if I let her? I wonder what she already sees. All I
have to do is. . . “Um, wha. .?” Was all that came out.
Bobbi turned to peer at the blonde then immediately lowered her eyes upon
seeing her state of dress. Slightly flustered at getting caught, she murmured,
“Uh, sorry. . .I ,um. . . the dog. . .and checked it out. Wasn’t trying to
intrude. . .or anything. Sorry. He was up. . .and I---“ The brunette shrugged
and put her hands deep in her jean pockets. She’s staring at me. She thinks
I’m nuts again. I know it. Okay, I just need to cut my losses and get outta
here. Bobbi began to step to the side, trying to give the blonde a wide berth.
Michelle blinked and stared as she tried to decipher the doctor’s words. She
seems nervous. I don’t understand. I can’t hurt her. I can’t do anything to
her. She sighed inwardly. Where are all my words now? I had so many not too
long ago. I must sound like a stuttering idiot to her most of the time. I know
I’m not. I have something to say. I just need to. . . “Thank you.”
Bobbi stopped mid stride. “You understood all that?” She asked sheepishly.
Feeling a little bolder but not by much, the blonde replied, “Yeah. . .since
you said all that.” She looked away quickly and wrapped her arms around her
torso.
The doctor’s eyes widened. A joke. Did she just make a joke? And at my
expense? She chuckled. “Yeah, I did. Didn’t I? Um, you sorta caught me with
my hand in the cookie jar. I didn’t want to upset ya.”
Michelle shook her head, causing her newly dried hair to move in waves. “No, I
said. . . thank you.” Watching the brunette cautiously, the blonde walked up to
the crib and peered inside. “I think he likes you. I-I think both my boys do.” Am
I doing this, really doing this? Shyness attacked the blonde, and she
looked back down. But it was shyness not fear—a flutter in her chest and heat
in her face. It was something new, something she had never felt, something
normal.
Wow. What’s going on here? Deciding to take a chance and push the
envelope, Bobbi asked, “What about you? ”
It enveloped her, this new emotion, and she was unable to look up. “I-I don’t
know. I don’t know you.” She replied in a small voice.
The doctor nodded even though no one saw it. “I know how you feel. I don’t know
you either. But, maybe. . .” She resisted the urge to take a step forward.
“When you’re ready, maybe we can rectify that. I meant what I said in that
note, Michelle. I don’t want anything from you, and you don’t have to take
anything from me. Just know that you have my help, freely.” She cringed
inwardly. What am I doing offering her something I don’t know if I can
sustain? All I know is that I wanna try.
Bobbi paused waiting for the other woman to look up, say something, do
anything. When it didn’t happen, she added, “I think I’ve been in here long
enough. I’ll let you get dressed, and I’ll start on breakfast.” She began
walking again. The closer she got to the door, the closer Michelle moved toward
the crib. They both stood at opposite ends of the room but not that far from
each other. Bobbi turned in the doorway and said as an afterthought, “We’re
having French toast. You seemed to like that.”
The brunette made it out to the hall, but not before a soft whisper of
“maybe” touched her ears.
* * *
The doctor had been right. It was one of the only breakfast dishes that she ate
completely. She was not an egg and bacon person. Michelle dipped the last piece
of French toast, wrapped around a piece of sausage, in the rich maple syrup and
brought it to her mouth with a delighted hum. She chewed slowly and adjusted
the towel as it started to slip.
Finally finished, the blonde and peaked at the now sleeping and well fed Toby
on her way to the dresser. She pulled open a drawer revealing the large
assortment of perfectly folded t-shirts. She pulled out a cotton tee along with
a long john shirt and threw them toward the bed. Next, she ventured to the
closet and retrieved a pair of Wrangler jeans from their segment of the closet.
Michelle went back to her only friend, the woman in the mirror and let the
towel fall to the floor. She gazed into the eyes looking back at her. “Would
you do it? Would you believe her? She said it was for free, but you know what
she said don’t you? You were there at least for a little while. I know it. I
felt different somehow.” She reached out a hand to touch the reflection. “Thank
you. I just wish I knew what to do about her. I want to believe and I want to
trust her. Teach me how.”
She sighed as silence greeted her.
Michelle turned around to see Taz gazing at her from his position on the floor.
She walked over and sat on the bed. “What do you see in her that I don’t, boy?”
He licked his chops and huffed out a breath. “Is it always gonna be this hard
to believe in someone? They took that away from me, Taz. I want it back.” She
paused wringing her hands nervously. “I’m just scared it’ll steer me wrong
again.” Taz nudged her naked calf with his cold nose then licked at her skin.
Michelle let out an exasperated breath. “I guess I have to take one day at a
time, and I already got a big one for today.” Anxiety inched up her spine. She
swallowed audibly and looked out the window, seeing the brightness that
reflected off the white slush. “I have to try. It’s the only way I can keep you
two from sneaking up on me isn’t it Max? Momma? Every time I see it. I feel you. I have to see if I can feel
something else.”
Long minutes later, Michelle stood in front of the mirror fully dressed
complete with boots. “You’ll be out there with me, right? I don’t know if I can
do this otherwise.” She took a deep breath and headed for the closet to get the
snowsuit and coat.
The blonde pushed the bassinet slowly down the short hall not wanting to wake
the sleeping child. Once in the living room, she listened for signs of
occupancy. There were none. I guess she’s giving me space. Now near the
front door, Michelle moved the crib a little closer to a heating vent. Taz
pranced excitedly beside her. She calmed him by whispering his name. Padded and
hooded in layers of green, she kneeled and beckoned him closer with a wave of
her hand.
“I know I’ve been neglecting you, boy, and I’m sorry for that. I have to do
this by myself right now.” The blonde grasped his head and rubbed him behind
the ears. “I need you to look after Toby for a little bit. Can you do that and
bark at me if he wakes up?”
He licked her face affectionately. “Wuff!”
“Thank you. Good boy.” The petite woman stood up and leaned over the bassinet.
I’m doing this for us, Toby. She kissed her fingertips then placed them softly
on his cheek.
Donning her gloves and scarf, Michelle pulled the door open and peered outside
at the sea of white. Her breath caught and her heart thudded. All the times out
in the snow had been necessity that she swallowed and bared. This time was
vastly different. “I have to try,” she whispered and pushed open the heavy
metal screen door, letting it close quietly behind her.
The young woman shuffled from the porch to the steps. Emotion twisted her gut.
“They made me dirty, made this dirty.” The snow was pristine, except for
branches and the slush in the roads. “I have to try and make it all clean
again.” She took a step forward onto the shoveled walkway. Then, closed her
eyes and took another into the yard filled with cold, white powder.
Her eyes shot open when most of her lower leg was swallowed. Panic ceased her,
making everything sway. Michelle swallowed the bile in her throat, as old pain
and burning rushed into her. She murmured incoherently, knowing it was the only
thing keeping her from disappearing. “No, I can’t let you. I can’t give up.”
Visualizing, the blonde called to the image in the mirror. “Help me. I’ll never
be anything if I let them win now.”
Instead of the white, red flashed in front of her face, bringing with it a well
of emotion. An inner heat suffused her, causing the bone deep, burning chill to
dissipate slowly. A little calmer now, she planted the other foot in the snow
and kneeled down grasping a hand full of it. Michelle rolled it in the palm of
her hand, watching it become a compact ball. With a dramatic ‘hmmph,’ the
blonde hurled it as far as she could. A bolt of satisfaction shot through her. I
have to make it clean again. Now, she knew how.
* * *
Bobbi sipped from the thermos cup with a contented smile as she followed Mr.
Crenshaw into the examining room. She put down the file that she had carried
under her arm and gave him a gown.
“I’ll be right outside. Just knock on the door when you’re ready.”
He nodded. “Will do, Doc B. Good tea wasn’t it?” Bobbi smiled in return.
Pulling at the ponytail that forever got caught in her collar, the brunette
leaned against the wall outside the examining and continued to sip her tea. Her
thoughts turned to the blonde. I wonder if she’ll ever trust me? She snorted. I’m not even sure that
it’s a good idea, but I guess I have to earn it if I want it from her. I got
the feeling it’s gonna be a long road. Pale
eyes closed and the dark head hung, allowing escaped wisps of black silk to
fall past her face. She rubbed the bridge of her nose in contemplation. Can
I take it all the way through and break this cycle? If I do I’ll hopefully have
something I haven’t had in a long, long time, a friend.
Bobbi was startled by the sudden banging. She went back in the office and set
the cup on a nearby counter. Pulling up the rolling chair, she had a seat in
front of the older man. The doctor pushed up the gown to examine the knee.
There was swelling. She applied gentle pressure to the sides. Mr. Crenshaw
jumped. The brunette frowned. “You know I think this maybe more than arthritis.
Did you fall or do you feel like ya pulled something here?” She pointed at his
knee.
“Well, yah. Got outta bed the other mornin and wrenched it. But, I didn’t think
nothin bout it. Used to it hurtin in this kind of weather.”
“Mmm, you got some swelling. It’s probably fluid build up. I think ya got you a
sprain here. But just to make sure, I’m gonna call and order some x-rays and maybe
an MRI to check for ligament damage. You can go right over to Community
Radiology. Gonna wrap this up and give you a script for an anti-inflammatory.
Call me a couple hours after you go over there, and I’ll give you the results.
We’ll go from there.” She patted his other knee.
“Okay, doc.”
Bobbi stood up to move away, but not before she glanced out the window. “What
the hell?” She looked again at the green figure, packing snow.
Mr. Crenshaw leaned to look. “Well now lookey here. Looks like a kid tryin' to
build a snowman.”
Bobbi blinked. “That’s no kid.” What
are you doing, Michelle? She turned
to her patient. “Why don’t you go ahead and get dressed. I’ll get those x-rays
ordered within the hour. I’ve got something I gotta take care of out there.”
The brunette could not get in her gear fast enough. She stumbled out the side
door, pulling on her boot. Trudging through the snow in her yard, she stopped
about three feet in front of the blonde, who was furiously packing snow in a
big ball. Bobbi watched her for a second, seeing her lips move. What’s going
on inside you?
“Michelle?”
The blonde did not look up.
“Michelle!” She said little louder.
The petite woman stopped abruptly and stood up jerkily, making her scarf fall
open. Green eyes were wild. Concerned, Bobbi asked, “Michelle are you okay?”
The blonde head shook. “N-no not right now, but I will be. . .one day.”
“I don’t understand.”
Her arms spread wide and she reached them toward the sky. “Don’t you see? I
don’t either. What he did to me. What they did to me.” The blonde pulled her
arms toward her chest. “They’re inside me, and they won’t let go!” For the
second time in as many weeks, Michelle raised her voice.
Helpless, Bobbi did the only thing that she figured wouldn’t send the other
woman running. She listened. That’s it talk to me.
The younger woman continued, “I-I have to do something to start making them
leave, or I’ll never be anything, just like she said!”
Bobbi held out her hands, palm out, in a peaceful, calming gesture. “Okay, then
you just do what you need to do to get rid of them,” she commented softly.
Michelle through her hands up in exasperation and cried, “It’s not that easy. I
don’t know how. I don’t know anything. I don’t know if what I think, feel or do
is wrong. I don’t know the difference anymore.” She tore feral eyes away from
the blue gaze and stared down at the large ball of snow she had accrued. “I did
this because it felt. . .”
“Go with it. You have the chance to know and learn everything, a chance to be.
Go with what you’re feeling right now and then go from there.”
Indecision and uncertainty fought a war across the blonde’s features. A third
party won. Their gazes met again, and for the first time jade eyes beckoned. In
a voice that was far between childlike and womanly, Michelle asked, “H-help me,
please?” You’re here aren’t you?
She conjured up her own mirror image. I feel you. Stay with me just a
little while longer.
Oh God. Bobbi was taken aback by the request. Here it was, right now.
She could run or attempt to try. She fought her own war. I’m tired of
running. I wanna know what this feels like. I wanna know all of it again. I
wanna feel everything again.
They stood a few feet apart, staring and waiting. Bobbi’s gloved hands clenched
at her sides, forming tight fists. With the help of a light wind, the long
raven ponytail flew around her bare head. Michelle hugged herself, trying to
retain the inner warmth that charged her not long ago. Her lips quivered in the
cold, and her eyes watered due to the slight wind.
Her decision made, Bobbi simply knelt down, and started adding snow to the
already sizeable ball. By the time they were finished, they had fashioned a
crude snowman, consisting of three large balls. He had no face, no hat, no
scarf, and no arms. The women stood on either side of him, studying their
creation.
“What do we do now?”
I try to do what I came out here for. Green eyes scanned the snowy
landscape until she spotted a large branch a few feet away. Walking slowly but
surely, Michelle went to it, picked it up, and weighed it in her hands. The
blonde found it adequate for what she had in mind. Without a look or a word to
the doctor, Michelle moved in front of the snowman.
Bobbi backed away to the middle of her yard. She stood tall and peered
defiantly at the teenagers that moved slowly down the street. She did not care
how they looked. She just did not want the moment disturbed. The brunette
watched the group of kids cautiously until they disappeared down the street.
She turned back to the blonde and saw her heft the stick on her shoulder then
swing it. Do what you need to do, Michelle. Silently, Bobbi found her
way to the house.
Michelle let out a hefty cry as she swung the branch in a high wide arch. It
hit the first section of snow with a satisfying crunch. A lightness infused
her, and she swung again and again until the first two sections were decimated.
Tired and sweating, the blonde threw the branch down and sucked in several deep
breaths. Her shoulders slumped slightly. They’re still here. I can feel
them, but something’s different. You’re in here too. You’re in here to help, to
stay. She titled her head toward the sky and closed her eyes. Thank you.
Michelle kneeled down, and grabbed another hand full of snow with her gloved
hand. Taking off the other glove with her teeth, she placed the snow in her
hand, letting the cold permeate and melt against her skin. Something had
definitely changed. The petite blonde turned waded through the whiteness and
headed back to the house.
Standing by the bassinet, having checked on the baby, Bobbi watched the rest of
the display through the living room window. I think we both passed some kind
of test today, Michelle.
Early the next morning, Michelle found herself with Toby lying in her lap in
front of the TV, giggling yet again at The Golden Girls. Today, Sofia
was her favorite.