Content for grown-ups warning: There's no actual sex, just some bizarre pillow talk, but it's not for the kiddies. This story has absolutely nothing to do with the episode of the same name.
"Hmmm."
There was consternation in Xena's voice, and her lover did not like the sound of it.
"What do you mean, 'hmmm'?" Autolycus demanded warily.
"Well, I don't think I can get these untied."
"What?! "
"Calm down, calm down! Just let me work on them a little."
"This is getting uncomfortable."
"I don't recall you complaining a little while ago." the warrior commented as she gave the scraps of violet silk a critical look.
"A little while ago I was too distracted to notice my wrists."
"Anyway, you should be able to get yourself out of these. You're the escape artist."
"Yeah, well, this was your idea. Now hurry up, my arms are starting to tingle."
"This isn't working. I'm going to have to cut these."
"You can chew through them for all I care, just get them off."
"You said the same thing about your pants." There was a wicked glint in her blue eyes.
"And I'm just as serious now as I was then."
"It's your own fault, you know."
"My fault? Explain to me, Xena, how this is my fault!"
"Well, I didn't have these scarves tied that tight. You shouldn't have pulled so hard on them. It's next to impossible to get knots out of silk once you've tightened them this much."
"I don't think I need to remind you, my dear, that I had a very good reason for pulling on them." Autolycus said conversationally. "In that respect one might deduce that this in fact your fault. I have the bite marks to prove it."
"Whatever. Just wait while I get my dag--OOFF!" Xena lurched suddenly sideways.
"What did you do?"
"Nothing. My foot slipped."
"Quit playing around and get the damn dagger, will you?"
"I'm working on it!" She wiggled tenaciously for a minute. "Uh-oh."
"What do you mean, 'uh-oh'?"
"I'm stuck."
"Stuck. Stuck how?"
"My ankle is caught between the bed and the wall, Autolycus."
"So get it loose and get on with it!"
"I can't."
"You have to."
"Well, I can't."
"Well, you have to."
Xena made an exasperated noise, flopping over forward with her forehead pressed to Autolycus' chest. When she looked up at him, her face was grim. "I think we're going to need some help."
"Help? Help? As in a third party? Nooooo way, warrior princess!"
"Then what do you suggest we do?"
"We'll think of something."
"Fine. So think." She crossed her arms and glared down at him. "Well, genius?"
"Okay, I can't think of anything. But we're not asking for help."
"Why not?"
He graced her with a fair imitation of The Look. "The fact that you even have to ask that question frightens me."
"Well, we have to do something other than sit here 'til someone finds our dead bodies! I know you wouldn't have a problem with it, but I for one don't want the words 'bondage fantasy mishap' in my eulogy!"
"I'm sure Gabrielle could make it sound poetic." he chuckled, then yelped as the jibe earned him a pinch. "Can't you push against the wall and move the bed out a little?"
She tried. "It's too heavy. I can't get the leverage I need."
"Okay, wait a minute. Let me get turned a little...maybe if we both..."
Two hands, two feet, and one knee shoved against the wall. There was a thud, followed by a clatter, followed by a curse.
"What happened?" Autolycus asked hopefully.
"I bruised my knee and we spilled an entire decanter of massage oil on the floor. Or did you mean other than that?"
"Can you move your foot?"
She gave her let an experimental tug. "Nope." She peered over the edge of the bed. "Bloody Tartarus. The floorboards are soaking that right up. I'll never get the scent out. Mum's going to have my head."
"Xena, could we deal with the problem at hand? Your mother isn't really an issue right now."
There was a rapid knocking at the door, and Cyrene's voice rang out. Autolycus found himself unamused at the irony.
"Xena, what are you doing in there, knocking the walls down?"
"I just bumped something over, Mother. Sorry!" After a moment's painful debate, Xena called out, "Mum, could you please ask Gabrielle to come in here?"
A panicked look flooded Autolycus' eyes, and he began vehemently shaking his head, mouthing "no, no, no, no" as insistently as he could.
"Certainly, dear. Just don't be long."
As the sound of Cyrene's footsteps faded off down the hall, Autolycus freaked.
"Are you nuts? I don't want her in here!"
Xena fixed him with a resigned gaze. "Don't be silly. We are clearly not getting out of this by ourselves. Tell me, Toly m'love, would you prefer it if my mother was the one to help us?"
He stared at her in silence, then closed his eyes with a heavy sigh.
"At least give me some of that sheet."
"Xena?" Gabrielle's voice announced her presence.
"Come in and close the door, Gabrielle."
"Cyrene said you wanted me, but we're supposed to make it quick because breakfast is already on the...oh."
Gabrielle leaned back against the door and raised her eyebrows. Xena gave her a tight-lipped smile.
"Morning, Gabrielle."
"Good morning, Xena."
"Got a little bit of a problem here."
"Yep, you certainly do."
"See, what happened was-"
"Ah, Xena," Gabrielle broke in, shaking her head, a grimace on her face. "I've got it. Suppose you just tell me what you need."
"Right. Could you hand me my dagger, please, Gabrielle?"
Gabrielle fished through Xena's belongings until she located the requested item, carefully sidestepping the mess on the floor.
"Xena, did you know there's a puddle of vanilla-scented something-or-other on the floor?"
"It's massage oil, and of course I know, Gabrielle."
"Oh, good. Would you like me to clean that up for you? It's getting kind of close to your mother's rug."
"Oh, that's okay. I'll get it in a bit."
"Fine."
As soon as Xena had freed one of his arms, Autolycus, who had been exercising the silence of the utterly mortified, yanked the quilt over his head. "You tell anyone about this, Gabrielle, and you'll be found floating face-down in the Euphrates, you understand?" his somewhat muffled voice informed her.
"Morning to you too, Tol."
"Hmmph."
Xena set her teeth, concentrating on the remaining scarf. "You've really got this one wrapped up good, Autolycus. Gabrielle, can you help me with this?"
Gabrielle rolled her eyes, but moved to take a look at the stubborn restraint. "I hope you appreciate my friendship, Xena. Only a true kindred spirit would something like this for someone else."
"I know that, Gabrielle. Believe me, I know it."
"I mean look at us. I've gone to battle beside you, been crucified beside you..."
"You're a good friend, Gabrielle."
"And now I'm helping you and your significant other out of what I can only assume is a botched and potentially humiliating sexual encounter..."
"I owe you a lot, Gabrielle."
"Fingers going numb, does anyone give a damn?" Autolycus piped up, never emerging from beneath the quilt.
"I guess it's just a good thing we're around to take care of each other, huh?" Gabrielle commented, her voice somehow managing to be sunny and malicious at once.
"Okay, I'll buy you a new pair of boots, Gabrielle." Xena said tightly.
"Hmm? Oh, well, if you'd really like to, that would be very nice. Mine have been wearing a little thin in the soles."
"Untie my arm before I chew it off. I'm not kidding."
"Relax, Tol, you're almost free. Then you and Gabrielle get to pull the bed out so my foot doesn't fall off."
"Ahem."
"Bri, I said I would buy you the furking boots, all right?"
"That wasn't me, Xena."
"Ahem."
Autolycus lowered the quilt a little, just enough to peek over the top. Xena and Gabrielle slowly turned wide eyes back to the door, which now stood open and framed the petite, formidable shape of Xena's mother.
"Breakfast is ready, whenever you three decide to join us." Cyrene said, in a tone Xena felt was entirely too normal for the situation.
"I can explain, Mum."
"Oh no, dear. I don't think that would be a good idea at all." Smiling pleasantly, she backed out of the room, pulling the door closed.
"Xena," Autolycus said, "kill me now. Right now. Lay the pinch on me and count to thirty-one."
"She didn't even bat an eye!" Xena said in amazement.
Gabrielle shrugged. "Don't look at me. She's your mother."
"Today has been the single most embarrassing day of my entire life." Autolycus said as he and Xena lounged on the porch. "And that's saying something."
"How do you think I feel? My own mother wasn't the least bit disturbed to find out I was a pervert."
"Gabrielle's going to make us pay for this one for a while, you know."
"Ohhh, yeah."
"That was really the most mortifying experience I've ever had."
"It was pretty bad." Xena agreed.
"I never want to be caught in a position like that again."
"Mmm." Xena nodded in agreement. They were quiet for a while, staring off into the countryside.
"So next time do I get to tie you up?" Autolycus inquired.
"Sure."
"Cool."