Note: This story takes place after the episode Forget Me Not and contains a good deal of spoiler information. It also follows my two previous stories, A Moment Of Truth, and A Moment Of Faith.

     Gabrielle lay on her back, gazing silently up at the night sky. Her ears picked up the familiar sounds of life in the trees around her. Cocking her head to the side, she could see Joxer moving restlessly under a blanket on the other side of the campfire.

     Xena's blanket lay next to her own. As her eyes drifted over her friend's face, blue eyes opened and met her gaze. For a long moment they lay there watching each other, eyes filled with unspoken questions. She could see the worry in Xena's face, the sadness. But she could also see relief. The last few days must have been difficult for her friend, Gabrielle realized. She caught a hint of a smile playing on Xena's lips, and she found herself smiling in response.

     Taking a deep breath, Gabrielle fought against the urge to roll over and settle herself into Xena's arms. She heard another soft rustle as Joxer shifted again. The sound brought back the control that she had almost lost and she tore her gaze away from her friend and returned to a contemplation of the stars.

     Her life felt so out of control. In a single day, she had come close to losing everything. Letting her mind drift back, she wondered if she had ever really considered giving it all up. Maybe for moment, a terrible moment of weakness, she had been tempted to empty the bowl, to let her life spill away. But then she had been flooded with the good memories, her life and her loves. It was worth it. It had to be.

     The pain was still there, of course. It had settled into her chest like a dull ache. She knew it would lessen in time, become bearable like all the others. But for now she could only feel, and regret.

     She found herself wondering at Xena's strength. Gabrielle knew that Xena had lived with this kind of pain for longer than she could imagine. That was a part of Xena's life Gabrielle had only thought she understood. Now that she had a taste of it herself, Gabrielle realized that she had never really understood it at all. Perhaps she still didn't. But she knew enough to respect the strength it took to simply be, to live with dark memories, to close your eyes every night and face whatever demons might be lurking there.

     With a sigh, she remembered that little girl who left her home in search of adventure. It seemed like a different person, a different world. She was going to be the one to break the cycle of hatred. Looking back, Gabrielle could almost find the heart to laugh at her youthful arrogance.

     Almost.

     She thought too, of a dark cave where she had asked Iolaus what Xena saw in her. A pure heart, he had said. Not anymore, she thought ruefully. But was it true even then? Or had she just convinced herself it was true because it was what she thought Xena wanted her to be? Glancing again at Xena, Gabrielle wondered if those grandiose notions about herself had been some kind of attempt to measure up. A child's need to feel worthy of a hero's friendship.

     But she was no longer a child, and Xena was so much more than just a hero, or a friend. With that thought came, once again, the desire to feel Xena's arms wrapped around her, to feel safe and loved, to find a haven from the pain, if only for a moment. And yet, she knew a moment would never be enough. She wanted more. She needed more.

     Xena was watching her again, and she could feel the longing in her friend's eyes. She felt suddenly grateful for Joxer's presence. If he weren't there, she was afraid that the heat of their emotions might well lead them somewhere they weren't yet prepared to go. Gabrielle knew she couldn't take any chances, not anymore. It was far too important. She needed much more than comfort, or reassurance, or to give it in turn. She'd made that mistake before.

     Her mind drifted to her husband, the sweet, patient boy she had bossed around like a tyrant, the earnest soldier with such pain and sadness in his eyes who had come to her like a lost soul in need of redemption.

     'Oh, Perdicus. I'm so sorry.' Gabrielle closed her eyes, knowing that he could hear her thoughts. 'If only I'd had the courage to tell you why I had to leave in the first place. Then maybe you wouldn't have gone off looking for the answer yourself. I loved you so much. It hurt to see you in such pain, knowing it was my fault. I would have spent the rest of my life trying to make up it up to you. But now, I wonder if maybe that wasn't a mistake too. All those things you needed, that you thought I could give you, they were there in your heart the whole time. You didn't need me. You wanted the girl that you were betrothed to. And that was never really me.' Gabrielle closed her eyes, comforted in the love she felt, would always feel.

     'I wish I'd had the strength to tell you that when I had the chance, the faith in you to believe that you would have found the answer for yourself in time. I hope you can forgive me. I should have loved you enough to let you go.'

     With a sigh, she let her thoughts drift back to the present. Was she making the same mistake again? Confusing her need to atone and make amends for the pain she'd caused with a different kind of love? She didn't think so. What she felt for Xena was so much . . . more. It felt so right. But then, it had felt right with Perdicus too. Hadn't it?

     From across the campfire, the sound of snoring filtered through the air.

     At the noise, Gabrielle saw Xena raise up to look in Joxer's direction. When she turned back she had a soft, almost shy, smile on her lips. Lying back down, she raised the blanket with her arm in silent invitation. Looking in Xena's eyes, Gabrielle saw the same craving for comfort that she felt. Without thinking, she had already begun to move when another loud snore caught her attention. She cast a nervous glance at Joxer's sleeping form.

     "Uh . . . Xena," Gabrielle stammered, feeling suddenly scared. "Can we go for a walk?" She offered finally, her voice shaky. Gabrielle's eyes widened as she saw a, slightly wicked, gleam enter Xena eyes. "A walk." She said more firmly, emphasizing that was all she planned on doing.

     Xena's brow furrowed, but she silently nodded her assent. They got up quietly and stepped out beyond the edge of the camp.

     Walking for a time, close but not touching, Gabrielle could feel a tension building between them. With dismay, she realized that she had absolutely no idea what to say. She cast a furtive glance in Xena's direction, noting the troubled expression on her friend's face. When she finally found her voice, it was filled with regret.

     "Were you here the whole time?" Gabrielle feared she already knew the answer.

     Nodding, Xena replied, "I couldn't help it." Her voice was quiet, somewhat reserved. "I had to know, one way or the other."

     She knew Xena so well, could almost feel the rampaging emotions that hovered just been the surface of that iron-willed calm.

     "It must have been hard on you." Keeping her head down, her voice quiet, Gabrielle tried desperately not to let her own pain show through her voice. Yet she knew that Xena could easily see through her own veneer of calm as well.

     Xena shrugged in response, as if her own pain mattered little to her. Gabrielle suddenly found herself angry, at herself for causing the pain, and at Xena for dismissing it so easily. She felt her emotions boiling toward the surface, closing her eyes and gritting her teeth, she forced it down, smothering it with what was left of her control. After her experience today, she knew all too well what an illusion that control was. But she held firm to it anyway, knowing it was a futile gesture, but fearing the consequences of letting go.

     Soon the silence became uncomfortable for Xena. "I think the hardest part was listening to Joxer revising all your scrolls." She tried to interject a note of humor in her voice.

     Gabrielle forced a slight laugh. "Yeah, actually I think I'm glad I missed that." Again, silence pressed down on them. Finding the courage, Gabrielle couldn't help but give voice to the question that had been nagging at her heart. "Xena, what would you have done . . . if . . . if I hadn't come back?"

     Xena's only response was to close her eyes and sigh heavily.

     "Yeah, that's what I thought." She hung her head, feeling another deep wave of guilt pass through her soul. With it came the anger once again, churning inside of her like an impotent rage. She shook her head in disgust, feeling her own failure, despising her own weakness, knowing that Xena would have lived her whole life carrying the burden alone.

     "Some friend I turn out to be." She laughed bitterly. "It seems like all I've done lately is cause you pain. I'm so . . ."

     "Now, you stop that." Xena's voice was firm as her hand shot out to catch Gabrielle by the arm, stopping them both, and turned her until they were facing one another. Gabrielle was silent for a moment, feeling the anger that had been building slowly dissipate under her friend's intense gaze. Xena seemed to collect herself, her voice softened as she spoke again, though she didn't release her grip on Gabrielle's arm. "You told me that you were here with me because you wanted to be, right?" Her eyes wide, Gabrielle nodded. "Well I'm here with you because I choose to be." Xena's eyes held hers, unrelenting, as she paused for a moment, searching for the right words. "You expect such . . . perfection from yourself. And maybe," Closing her eyes, momentarily releasing Gabrielle from their hold, Xena sighed. "Maybe I've done that too, but . . ."

     Gabrielle started to protest, but Xena's hands moved up to either side of her face. As she bent down slightly, her eyes captured Gabrielle's once again, their faces only a few inches apart. Xena's eyes burned with blue fire.

     "We're in this together, right? No matter what. Together." Xena let her hands fall down to grip Gabrielle's shoulders tightly. "Neither one of us can change what happened. No matter how much we might want to . . . But it's over. All that matters to me is right now, nothing else. And right now I'm exactly where I want to be."

     From somewhere inside herself Gabrielle felt a rush of emotion, like a dam breaking. A sob rocked her body as tears suddenly spilled down her face. She propelled herself forward into Xena's arms with such force that they stumbled backward. Wrapping her arms tightly around Xena's waist, Gabrielle buried her head in her friend's shoulder as she felt sobs rush out of her so powerful that her whole body convulsed. Strong arms circled around her and held her tightly as soft words of comfort were murmured in her ear. Helpless to stop it, she felt the last of her control slip. A cry of pure emotion erupted from her chest as her knees began to buckle, and Gabrielle felt herself sinking to the forest floor. Xena moved with her, never relinquishing her hold.

     She had no idea how long they sat there. All she knew was the warm, steady comfort of Xena's embrace. Eventually the tears subsided, and Gabrielle felt utterly drained.

     Finally, she forced her self to lean back. Looking up into Xena's eyes, she felt the gentle concern she saw there flow through her. Without realizing it, she began to move forward, her gaze focused on soft lips. Only a few inches away, she felt the fear return and she looked uncertainly into clear blue eyes. Her eyes closed as Xena slowly moved forward, closing the distance. She felt warm breath on her face as Xena paused for an agonizing moment before gently brushing their lips together and then slowly pulling back.

     As Gabrielle opened her eyes, she couldn't help but smile at the, almost childlike, shyness that shown on her friend's face. Leaning forward impulsively, Gabrielle wrapped her arms around Xena's neck and buried her face in her shoulder. She felt Xena's arms wrap around her chest and squeeze very tightly as she lay her own head on Gabrielle's shoulder.

     Pulling back, before she could lose her nerve, Gabrielle leaned in quickly to plant a firm kiss on Xena's lips before turning around in the circle of her arms to lean back against her chest. She placed her arms over Xena's, encouraging the firm embrace, and sighed.

     "Thank you." Gabrielle's voice was very soft.

     "For what?" She felt, as much as heard, Xena's confused answer.

     "I don't know." Gabrielle laughed softly. "For being here, for being you. Here I was, afraid of how much I needed you to hold me, afraid of what would happen. And somehow you just made everything all right."

     "Why were you afraid?" She felt Xena's chin rest on her shoulder.

     Gabrielle sighed, not knowing how to explain. She leaned her head back and looked up at Xena sheepishly. "I guess I was afraid we'd get . . . carried away."

     Xena's eyebrow raised slowly and her eyes held amusement. "Gabrielle, Joxer was right there. I wouldn't do . . ."

     Gabrielle cut her off with a laugh. "Oh . . . yes you would." Her eyes danced in sudden amusement as they held Xena's, feeling the recent pain fall away into the background.

     Confusion fell across Xena's face and Gabrielle bit back a smile as she could almost hear Xena's mind racing. Finally, a slow realization began to dawn on her. She glanced quickly at Gabrielle's face, looking for confirmation. Gabrielle smirked in response.

     Marcus.

     She couldn't help but giggle at the slow flush that ran across Xena's face. That giggle quickly turned into all out laughter as Xena began to squirm uncomfortably in embarrassment. Leaning forward, Gabrielle scooting out far enough so she could turn around watch Xena's face.

     Finally, Xena began to laugh softly, although still clearly embarrassed. "I thought you were asleep." Her tone was almost accusing.

     Gabrielle chuckled again with a with a devilish gleam in her eye. "I was. Just . . . not the whole time."

     Xena blushed even harder and let herself fall backwards, covering her eyes.

     Gabrielle laughed so hard she fell over.

     When Xena finally sat back up, Gabrielle couldn't help but grin wickedly at her friend. "You know . . . I've waited over two years to find just the right moment to tell you about that." She paused and laughed again. "It was worth the wait."

     Xena looked positively miserable in her embarrassment, so Gabrielle decided to be nice. "It's all right." Her voice was soothing. "I understood. You loved Marcus, and he was only back for one day, right? People don't get chances like that very often."

     Xena's smile showed she was clearly grateful for the reprieve from teasing.

     "You sleep through entire ambushes," she shook her head in disbelief. "Why did you have pick that night to wake up?"

     Gabrielle shrugged shamelessly. "Just lucky I guess." She couldn't resist such a wonderful opening. "Either that, or it was all the moaning that was going on . . ."

     Xena groaned as she fell back and covered her face again.

     Gabrielle snickered. "Yep, that's pretty close to what I heard." She watched Xena shake her head and groan louder, and bit back her own laughter. "Okay, come on . . . I'm sorry. I'll stop."

     Xena lifted her head and glanced at Gabrielle through slitted eyes. "You're not going to let me forget this, are you?"

     Gabrielle responded with a look of pure innocence. The effect was slightly marred, however, by the fiendish gleam in her eyes.

     Xena paused for a moment, her face growing suddenly serious. "Gabrielle . . . did you really think I would try to do something like that?"

     Gabrielle's face turned serious as well. She took a deep breath, searching for the answer. "Not really." She said finally. "I . . . I guess maybe I was afraid that I wanted you to." She found herself unable to meet her friend's gaze after the admission.

     "Gabrielle?" She looked up, noting a very nervous tone in Xena's voice, to find that Xena wouldn't meet her gaze. "Are you . . . afraid of me?"

     For a moment, Gabrielle was too stunned by the question to respond. She blinked several times, trying to sort her thoughts into an appropriate response. With each moment of silence, Xena's head seemed to dip lower and lower to the ground.

     "Xena, I . . ." Gabrielle tried to meet her friend's eyes. "Xena look at me, please?" She saw Xena take a deep breath before purposefully raising her head and focusing her gaze on Gabrielle, who felt like her heart was breaking at the site of the pain so clear in those eyes. "No . . . I'm not afraid of you." She took a deep breath, praying for the right words. "I know that maybe I should be, but . . . I'm just not. What's funny is . . . I . . . I think I'm afraid of me."

     Gabrielle sighed, knowing that she'd have to explain, but not at all certain that she could. "I . . . Xena, I'm just not sure I know who I am anymore. So much has happened . . . so much has changed. I think I just have to figure out what's going on. Until I'm all right in here," she put her hand to her chest, "nothing else is going to be all right. You know? That wouldn't be fair to you."

     "You're afraid of hurting me?" Xena's voice was tinged with a note of surprise.

     Gabrielle shrugged, feeling weighed down by sadness once again. "I think I'm afraid of hurting both of us."

     "Gabrielle, you told me that you wanted me to think about what was best for me. But you have to do the same. You have to decide what you want."

     "But Xena, you know it's not that easy." Her frustration filled her voice. "I may know what I want . . . Or what I think I want. But right now, I'm not sure I can trust in that." Gabrielle felt suddenly helpless.

     Xena paused for a long moment, when she spoke, her voice was very gentle. "Can you trust in me?"

     Looking into soft blue eyes, Gabrielle felt the truth in her heart. "Yes." Her voice was just above a whisper.

     "Gabrielle . . ." Xena took a long deep breath, and Gabrielle could see her hands shake in the darkness. "Do you . . . want . . . me?"

     When Xena looked into her eyes, Gabrielle's vision blurred with unshed tears. She knew that she owed the truth to both of them. Unable to speak, barely able to breathe, she could only nod.

     For an eternal moment, they simply stared at one another, as if both were trying to decide if this conversation were really happening. Watching Xena's face, Gabrielle could see a myriad of emotions flash through her eyes.

     "Are you sure?" Xena's voice was so soft that Gabrielle had to strain to hear it.

     Was she?

     Gabrielle took a deep breath, forcing herself to calm down. "I think I am." She berated herself for not being able to be more certain. "I mean . . . it feels . . ." She took anther deep breath. "You asked me if that's what I want. And it is. It really is. It's just . . ."

     "You're afraid."

     Laughing softly, Gabrielle had to smirk. "It always seems to come down to that, doesn't it?"

     "There's nothing wrong with being afraid." Gabrielle could tell by Xena's voice that she was trying hard to keep control of her emotions. "I . . . I'm afraid too. I think I'd worry more if you weren't. It just shows that you're taking it seriously."

     Gabrielle found herself chuckling again. "Oh, I'm definitely taking it seriously." Suddenly an idea struck her, and she found herself looking toward Xena somewhat shyly. "Uh, you know, Xena . . . you haven't said . . . I mean . . . uh . . . do you want . . . me?"

     Looking into Xena's face, she saw the answer before she heard the word. "Yes."

     Gabrielle felt suddenly breathless, as if with that one word her life had somehow shifted and was now heading down a totally different course.

     Later, she would realize that she had no real memory of how it happened, only that the found herself suddenly kneeling, with Xena's arms wrapped around her so tightly that she could hardly breathe. And she only knew that she wanted to stay there forever.

     Eventually, Xena pulled back, and Gabrielle felt her strong hands tangle in her hair as she leaned forward until their foreheads were touching.

     "We're going to take this slow, all right? Nothing that we're both not absolutely sure we're ready for." Xena's voice was an throaty whisper. "We've got plenty of time."

     Gabrielle smiled at the words, feeling tendrils of fear begin to unravel in her chest. She nodded, locked in the gaze of clear blue eyes. For a moment, she saw Xena hesitate, her eyes drifting down Gabrielle's face. She licked her lips nervously, suddenly finding herself very aware of the heat coming off Xena's body as it pressed against hers. Xena moved forward with the same agonizing slowness she had before, but when their lips met it wasn't with a gentle brushing, but a slow, soft caress. She responded by pushing back more firmly, deepening the contact, feeling the resulting waves of pure feeling flow through her body. A soft, helpless moan came from within Xena.

     They pulled back, each a little wide-eyed and breathless from the experience, and looked into each other eyes. Gabrielle suddenly felt herself begin to giggle, not out of humor, but out of pure happiness. Soon she heard Xena chuckling as well.

     "Are you okay?" Xena said finally, her voice sounding a bit shy.

     Gabrielle knew that the silly smile covering her face probably answered the question for her, but knowing that Xena was worried, she nodded. "Yes, I . . . I'm a little bit better than okay, actually." Xena released a deep breath. "What about you?"

     "I think I'm a little bit better than okay, too." She couldn't get over how vulnerable Xena looked in moments like these. She felt a surge of protectiveness.

     Gabrielle suddenly looked up at Xena with a wry smile. "Do you have any idea what we're doing?"

     Xena's eyebrow shot up as she smiled. "Nope."

     "Me, neither." Despite her words, Gabrielle felt more sure about what was happening than she had any right to hope for. "Guess we'll just have to figure it out together."

     Xena's face was serious, but amusement twinkled in her eyes. "You're on."

     Gabrielle suddenly felt as though the emotion of the day had caught up with her. "We'd better get back and get some sleep."

     "You're right," Xena smiled. "Otherwise I'll never be able to get you up in the morning."

     Gabrielle grinned suddenly as Xena stood and helped her to her feet. "Well, you know, you could try that moaning thing again, it seemed to work the last time . . ."

     Xena's eyebrow raised very slowly. "Well, you know," she leaned in closely, her voice almost a purr in Gabrielle's ear. "If I really wanted to wake you up that way . . . it wouldn't be me that was moaning." Gabrielle gulped, feeling the hairs on the back of her neck stand up, as well as a few other pleasant sensations.

     "Oh, really?" She tried for a smug tone, but couldn't quite manage it.

     "Mmm hmm." The eyebrow shot up again, this time as if in challenge. Gabrielle shivered, though she wasn't a bit cold.

     Not willing to let Xena get the best of her, she shot back a skeptical look.

     "But why would I want to hear Joxer moan?"

     Gabrielle held a straight face for all of a couple of seconds as both Xena's eyebrows shot up, before turning and sprinting back toward their camp, a silly grin plastered all over her face.

     As she broke through the trees, with Xena right behind her, Gabrielle saw Joxer stir and lift his head up to look at her.

     "What's the matter, Gabby? Are you okay?"

     Gabrielle found herself smiling genuinely back at him. "I'm fine, Joxer." She glanced at Xena realizing, with some surprise, that she was telling the truth. "I'm just fine."