# Diaries #

"book one"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life can be real funny.

I'm just sitting here in the kitchen, one hand gripping a dead chicken while the other grips a sharp knife making its way through the animal's stomach. Funny, it's nothing unusual for me, now. Not so long ago I wouldn't even kill a chicken, let alone skin it. But I've been doing this for the last few days and I just got used to it, I guess. 18 months on a farm weren't spent in vain.

I haven't written for months, for years in fact, since those days that I spent on roaming over Greece, putting my life in danger almost every day. I'm used to my life now. Long ago there were times when we risked our lives to save people, to help the poor and to make justice where it was necessary. Since it was necessary everywhere, our short lives wouldn't be enough for us to repair the world. Now, one thing that we did was getting involved in countless battles and arguments between murderers and warlords like the one Xena used to be years ago.

Xena. My friend, my soulmate, my whole life. I only wonder at times if I also mean that much to her; now that she's... we are living with Ares. Maybe I'm exaggerating at that.

When I remember my first attempts at writing, I feel like crying. I wanted to be a bard, so badly. I was such a kid then; I know I won the competition at the Academy only thanks to her. She didn't take me seriously when I tried to convince her it was true. But she has been the most precious inspiration I've ever experienced. I should thank god for having her by my side, if there only was one. I always admired her, always. I couldn't have taken out all those immortal and powerful gods; she did. Sometimes I wonder if there is a single thing that she couldn't achieve, and every time I come to the same conclusion. As I wrote in one of my first scrolls: "She is the most brave person I've known in this world." Not because I didn't know many people, it's just that she's one of a kind. The greatest inspiration.

We know each other too well to have any serious secrets and yet there's something on my mind that I'm never going to tell her.





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One week ago

~~

Ares with Horace in his lap. I knew that was a sight I wasn't going to forget for a while. But it's been three months since we left and I'm still seeing the picture. Xena laughed like hell at me when I told her, but it really pissed me off. Ares haunting my dreams isn't what I wish to experience for the rest of my life, really. I told her once something like that and she just grinned. 'It depends what kind of dreams they are.' She's always like that, but why did I blush at her comment? I shrugged it off. She's just missing Ares and that's why her every comment refers to him. Xena missing Ares. I would have never thought such a thing. But it popped into my mind and isn't going to leave soon. As a result, we are going back to the farm.

It's not true actually; but I don't have any other idea why suddenly she wanted to visit him. She joked that she promised him and he's probably dying there waiting for her, if he hasn't died from hunger yet. She's got a point there. He probably can't cook at all. It's just strange for me that suddenly we should start to care. I remember every detail of the past and the question if I accept Ares around us is still left unanswered. Unanswered by both Xena, and me. But, now there are times that I know every word of her answer. All that's left is just to ask her. And I'm going to do this, sooner or later.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

11 days later

~~

It's been a really long time since I was able to watch a sunset lying on the soft grass around something that you can call a house. I discovered a really nice little place here behind the house. I discovered a really nice little place here behind the house. It's quiet enough to count bees that are buzzing around, but it's all beautiful. The signs of late summer are all around me, the sky flashing all the colors of the rainbow. I love sitting here in peace; no fear, no impatient waiting for something unwanted to happen, just revealing in the smells of the warm summer wind.

I chose this place also because of other reasons. I wanted to leave the two of them alone, at least I felt I should; despite the curiosity that was stirring inside me during our trip back here. I don't know why I hoped to see them greet each other. I must have forgotten that in these cases, I usually don't have the guts to watch, just like the time when we were leaving the farm months ago. Ares must have been furious with me for watching their goodbye kiss? or whatever it was.

I'm starting to suspect that now it didn't end just on a hello kiss; they've been gone for a good half an hour and I don't hear them talking inside. I think I should check on them alright.

~~~~~~



Decent meal at least. Delicious, and not only because I cooked it, but I was really starving. I don't know what we would do if I couldn't cook. They are really lucky to have someone who can feed them here. But they don't appreciate it. Xena has been mentally absent, and although it hardly even happens, I sense that she feels uncomfortable. I can see it on her face. Maybe she realized that I saw them and now she's trying to think of a way to explain it to me. Actually, it's none of my business and I know it. But I'm too curious to remind her of that. If she thinks she owes me an explanation, I'm waiting to hear it.

We were still eating and nothing was happening. Xena moved in her seat slightly and her voice finally broke. I was glad that she'd come back to her senses with her old self-confident look, when I heard her voice forming a few simple words.

"Can you pass me the pan, Gabrielle?"

I thought I was either going to curse or to frown at that. I was just about to have a second helping since I still felt hungry when she took it all, putting putting every last bit onto her plate. I know how much she likes to eat but that was way too much for one person. Just as I told her that she was certainly not going to eat all of that, I spotted Ares. The expression on his face was really priceless as he watched Xena. I could see how hungry he still was, watching her eat the last helpings. Pure hunger.

At last I wasn't the only hungry one.

Then I thought that maybe it wasn't the food that he was starving for, as I remembered the scene I witnessed earlier that day. I found them in the kitchen, Xena leaning over a table while he came up behind her back, grabbing her wrists. I knew what would happen next. Without a thought, Xena would turn around and knock him on the floor. She was a professional. My eyes must have widened up in surprise when she didn't do anything like that. Instead, she remained completely still, allowing him to disable her. I thought that it must have been some kind of trick, when after a couple of quiet seconds I realized what was really going on. All I could see was Ares' back, and I then I heard it. One heavy breath followed by a deep sigh. It was Xena's; I saw his head lowering to her neck and he nuzzled it for quite a long time. I didn't know when he let go of her wrists, but his hands started to wrap around her, and she let out a breath one more time. This time much quieter, barely audible. I tried to keep myself from breathing, but I was shocked and upset.

I wanted to turn around and leave, and yet I couldn't move. I recognized this picture from somewhere. I thought for a while trying to recall something. Once in a play I watched, it was called 'lovers embrace', and it was exactly the scene before me. I started to hear quite noises. Panic flooded my mind as I realized there was no way to back off soundlessly. My eyes perked up even more. I couldn't believe he was kissing her, I could have been seeing things, after all. I was too desperate at the moment to discern anything around me. I remember that at one moment I finally took one step backward and that was it. I stopped caring if they could see me. In a few seconds I was outside taking a deep breath, grabbing a boot from under the porch, and rushing back into the house.

"Xena, did you see my...oh," I tried to sound startled at the scene, but didn't need to pretend, actually. She was quick, damn it. Must have heard my steps on the porch, giving them time to regain their senses. When I stepped into the kitchen, they were just pulling away. I entered too late but just enough to notice Xena's hand in Ares'. She immediately shook it off, as if guilty of a crime; but it changed nothing. She was angry now that I saw her with Ares, and when I looked at him, dammit, they were both annoyed. But his reaction I liked more; confusion mixed with lust, making him look more like old Ares.

That's it; that's what I mean - Ares has some effect on Xena that I really don't like. I even had a dream about it. Gods, I'm depressed to think like that. I don't want to believe that anything serious could actually happen between them.

What am I bothered about, really? It's true we came here without any real reason. I don't like thinking that Xena brought me here because she couldn't just get rid of me. But it haunts me sometimes when I look at her; when I notice the way they talk to each other, the way he stares at her. It can be uncomfortable, because everytime I see that, I feel like an intruder. Why would I feel that way after Xena and I have been friends for years? Friendship with the god of isn't my priority. It never was and it never will be, no matter what Xena says about him being mortal. Does losing immortality make a god human? I will never believe that. Mortal or not, I can still see the same bastard we've known for years. A son of a bitch like Xena calls him and that's it. She used to hate him in the past, everything was in the past. Now she forgives his mistakes?! It's funny that she was hurt by him countless times, and now she can tolerate him as a housemate. I could be wrong, but why do I get the feeling she had this planned all along? Moving here and all? Xena, I need to talk to you.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

3 days later

~~

We had a very nice dinner today. For the first time it was different.

Today after we were done with work (Ares was working along with us) Xena found me in the kitchen and then Ares came up, and we started chatting; just like old friends. I still can't believe it when I remember it now. And Ares can be really... like... quite a bearable guy, really. Maybe he isn't that bad after all. Maybe I just didn't see it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A day later

~~

This is crazy. I'm wrong. Hasn't she taught me that the most important thing is a gift of forgiving others? No one is sinless. Neither am I. One reason why I have the life that I do is that Xena was able to forgive the terrible things I did?especially the betrayal. We were hurting each other, and that's what the friendship is about; the capacity to forgive the person you love. I know it's hard, but I never quit trying; yet I can't bring myself to talk to him. Ares is the type of person I can't accept, partly because he rejects me. It's very hard to extend the hand of friendship to someone who doesn't want you around and shows that to you, in one way or another.

Guess it was a tough day today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One week later

~~

Oh my, Gasgar is chasing after us! Well, after Ares, actually. But try to tell Xena that he can take care of himself! She's not going to leave unless they have a serious argument or whatever. They've been arguing every day, but it always ends up the same way. I pretend to be interested in cooking dinner, while they 'make out' somewhere outside. Not that I'm complaining. Truthfully, I would rather Ares quarreled with Xena than with me. But still, they really don't need to tell me these stories about 'making out'. I pretty much know how it looks like.

I'm forgetting about Gasgar.

It's going to sound childish, but I've had my favorite hiding place from the very first day on the farm. Even more childish, it's in the barn. I don't even want to think about Xena finding out about the small incident that took place weeks ago. Although, I'm not certain that she doesn't know about my little secret?

As a kid, I wasn't as good at playing pranks as Lila was, that was until we discovered the possibilities of playing in the barn. We would hide there when parents tried to find us; it was lots of fun. When I was older, I used the barn as a place to isolate from the world when I wanted to jot down some of my thoughts. I wanted to be a bard; but then I met Xena and my life got turned upside down....

Now, I don't need to hide any longer and all these years remind me that I'm not as young as I used to be. However, I just wanted to relive some of those old memories. I headed to the barn, taking some scrolls and a quill with me, not that I hoped to actually write anything, but knowing me, the equipment could be necessary.

I settled myself in the hay, trying to get comfortable, without an effect however. I froze when I heard the noise. I hushed myself promptly. I couldn't figure out what the noises were, but I noticed the barn door opened wider than I remembered leaving it. Then, someone stepped inside, slowly approaching the large block of hay and sitting down with a thud. Xena. Why was she in her underwear? The question remained in my mind and the sight surprised me. She put her face in her hands like she used to do when she was... oh to Tartarus with that. She was wearing only some scant undergarments she used to sleep in. And she was irritated; I could sense it. But what was she doing here? Normally I would just ask her, but not this time. Not when she seemed to be troubled by something, running away from something? or someone. At that moment I heard something outside, steps on the ground, and I lifted my head to see Ares stepping through the doorway.

"Put this on, will you?" he said tossing her something that looked like a piece of clothing. "And don't say I -"

"Get out!"

"Why don't we just talk?!"

"If you're looking for someone to argue with-"

"Hear me out once will you?!"

"So what? You're gonna tell me how you missed a good fuck?!"

"Sometimes when I look at you, I just wanna fuck you." His confession made my heart stop, then beat faster. I always knew. "But it's not what you think, dammit. What's wrong with that? Do you honestly expect me to lie still feeling you breathe next to me? Is something wrong when I want to spend a night with a person that... that means much to me?" he questioned in a weary voice. She was shaking her head in disbelief. So was I.

"You know why I fuckin' came here Ares?" she asked fiercely, brushing her hand against her forehead, "because I couldn't stand steamy dreams and then waking in the morning to find no one around. What should have I said to Gabrielle? That I'm gonna have a break? We had Amphipolis two miles nearer than this valley and I had to explain my decision to Gabrielle. Do you think that's easy?" she paused with a weary expression on her face.

Well well. Looks like Xena wasn't telling me all the truth.

Ares was angry as hell. Frankly, that was maybe the twenty-first argument that I witnessed between them. Why was it so different? Because of the moonlight?

He was really furious when he spoke again. "After that day in Argos... How do you think that made me feel waking up alone after having a good fuck, and left because she was in a hurry?!"

"Did you expect me to marry you after that one night? Sorry but I was too drunk to remember about leaving a damn goodbye note."

Argos...Argos...the inn we stayed in for two days...so that was why I couldn't find Xena in the evening. And she told me she had someone to deal with. Alone, she accented. It didn't take her all night so I didn't question further when she came back to our room. She was gone for two, maybe three hours. And all this time she was fucking Ares... I had no idea he was in Argos actually. If only I had known...dammit they must have been right upstairs from me. I thought it was some drunkards making too much noise.

Xena went on, hearing no reply from him. "I thought we both knew that it was just going to be one lay, without consequences. Just two people getting in bed together," she scratched her hand somewhat nervously, then in an angered tone, she added, "One fuckin' mistake."

Poor justification, Xena. You can do better.

I looked at Ares, and almost shivered at his look, sending daggers her way. I should have felt lucky it wasn't directed at me, but I was too taken aback with the news to pay attention to that. I felt, however, a somehow sudden flow of sympathy for all Ares' former priests.

"But you wanted it. You could have gotten pregnant, am I wrong? Didn't you care about it? When we had a deal, you wouldn't give me one night with you. But when you saw me in the tavern that night, what were you thinking? That you got a chance to have a fuck for free?!" he snapped all of a sudden.

"What the fuck are you talking about?!" she was already shouting now. I started to feel unpleasant tingles in my ears.

"I wanna know why we can't have a normal life? I want to experience some things before I go out of this world." Was he actually talking about death, I pondered, watching him eyeing Xena attentively.

"Like what?" she looked up at him, calming down.

"Like having a family, home, all these things that you mortals make so much fuss about." The last words were spoken in much calmer and quieter tone; and I'm sure he was looking her straight in the eye at that moment. He reached out to stroke her face. My heart melted at that.

"I want you, dammit. I wanna live with you. Why do you think I put up with all this shit out here? It's no fun killing chickens really, being a mortal was the worst thing that ever happened to me over the milleniums. I thought you were finally going to accept me, but damn it, will I ever live to see it?" he asked, voice much higher. He sighed, an exasperated breath leaving his lungs with hearable rush.

"Ares..." she softened a lot at his words. He just did something that not many people are able to. I couldn't help but wonder if he was aware of the influence he had upon her, while I watched him frown in impatience. What truly confused me was the realization that I found him suddenly very handsome when I had my eyes fixed on him. His movements were drawing my attention more than this odd conversation I witnessed.

I was struck with his sincerity. Could it be that all of a sudden he decided to be that very open and trustful? Being a conniving liar, after all these years he comes up to face the woman that he had always hurt countless times, and just opens his mouth to say a few simple words...? 'I want you'. Wasn't it what he just said? Wasn't it what he used to say when he tried to convince her into getting back to him as a warlord?

"Why? Give me one reason! Is it because of Gabrielle? Because your little friend doesn't like me?!"

Oh, that could be right, Mr. God of war. Is it really visible? I tried to like him out here on the farm.

Xena gave him a painful look at that moment; and finally I was able to see Ares as a human now. Furious and bitchy, but still. Mortal as never before, when his chest rose and fell in the moonlight. He was a man like many others. It just took me awhile to get it.

"Tell me now I'm too bad for you; go on, I need to hear it one more time," he snapped, chilling me with the sarcasm in his voice.

When she still stood in silence, he turned around angrily.

"Is this what you really thought back then - I was too bad cause I messed with the amazons? Or was it just a way to get rid of me..."

"If I never wanted to see you again, I would have never come back here." She paused to take a breath. His eyes followed her hand that went up onto her stomach as she winced slightly. "But something that happened months ago changed things. A damn lot."

"It took you long to see it," he retorted sarcastically.

"I'm pregnant."

Whaaat...? I'm not hearing things am I?

I needed some time to recover from shock. My god, my dearest friend, are you kidding me...?!

I was startled, now I'm bewildered. He remained silent, taking a look at her, as if making sure that was all really happening. There was a long silence before he reacted.

"I guess we both drank too much then," he breathed.

"Ares... I came here. Does that mean nothing to you?"

"It means a lot! Depends on what you mean - the fact that you missed your old house or your pity because everyone hates me?" he asked with frustration.

"It's not 'everybody hates me' but 'no one loves me', isn't it?" she spoke, her voice turning into a soft whisper. But then she hardened again. "Pity...? I feel everything except pity now. We deserve everything that is happening to us," and, after a look at him, she added, "gods are no different."

"You didn't seem to keep that in mind when you were slaying them."

"All of you knew what you were doing by taking me on. It's a bit too late for complaints," she retorted sharply.

"You mean I deserve to die."

"We both do, if you look at it that way. As you remarked, I'm not an angel either. But if I was to kill myself, I would do it far away from here."

"So that I would grow old still hoping to meet you again someday." He shook his head in mock sorrow. "Can it get more cruel?"

"So... I guess you would prefer me to die here, in your arms."

He smirked. "I wouldn't mind it."

"I'll keep that in mind," her short reply came as a sudden shock to me.





"It's not a pity. And it wasn't the house that I missed," she paused to take a breath; for a moment I thought she was going to say "it was you." I perked up when she spoke again.

"I missed the life here," she said lowering her head, fixing her eyes onto something next to the door.

"Don't stay just because you wouldn't kill your own child."

"Would you?"

"Hurt your child?"

"Yes," she whispered firmly somehow.

He closed the distance between them. "No," he whispered back softly. "You know that."

All of a sudden he chuckled, but it was rather a sign of disbelief. "Can I... feel it?" he asked hesitantly, his hand finding its way onto her stomach. He glanced at her with what I guess were hopeful eyes, while his hand roamed over her abdomen gently, as if examining. "So little," he uttered. He moved over to reach her lips, and in the next moment he was kissing her.

Very carefully he pulled her close. Oh so damn carefully. With a bit of tenderness.

"Does it feel that bad?" he asked in a low whisper when their lips parted.

"You damn well know how it feels," she retorted in a somewhat muffled voice. "Loving someone ain't easy, is it," she murmured.

"And no matter how hard you try, it always gets fucked up in the end," he added grudgingly.

"Damn right."

"And now?" he questioned in a weary tone.

"What now?" she raised her head to look him in the eye.

"Don't you wanna beat the hell outta my ass for that?"

"How did ya know."

"I love you," he whispered as if that was meant to be an answer. He risked a lot, and he knew that.

"I would like to learn believing you."

She gave in to his touch carelessly; and yet resisting. How was she doing that?

I must have been blind not to see that before. The way she acted when he was near; and all she needed was a bit of tenderness. She longed for someone to love her. And that was why we came here to put up with Ares. So that she could spend cold lonely nights in his arms. I'm not enough for her anymore. Maybe she didn't lie to me about him. Maybe she did that just instinctively.

I never believed in the sincerity of his confessions though. When Xena told me how he had offered her a deal, willing to keep her safe if she gave him a child, my blood boiled, but what I thought was - that is just Ares, I shouldn't have expected anything better of him.

Of course, anytime Xena would decide to trust him, I never showed an objection. And yet now I was the one who was refusing to listen to anyone. Even if he acted like this. Although it was hard not to believe his words now that in such a situation he was confessing Xena that he loved her.

He actually said that. Now I know how Xena wanted to hear him telling her something like that. Dammit, she's falling for Ares...!

"You still don't want me do you?" he finally asked angrily.

"You have no idea." She took a look around in search for a place to sit. She bowed her head as she often did when we were having a serious talk and she was about to make an uncomfortable or painful confession. "Couple of weeks after leaving Argos, Gabrielle started to suspect that something was not right with me; I wanted to kick your ass when I realized what was up. I was determined to abort the pregnancy. When I learned that the herbal drug I was given makes it impossible to get pregnant ever again... I didn't have guts to take it..."

"--- so you decided to give birth and try to be a mother. You can have your unwanted child anywhere you want, just stay out of here."

"It's not unwanted Ares, it's just not planned."

"You already hate it just like you hate me, don't you."

She said nothing. He was drawing deep breaths. "I just don't get it; you came here only to tell me that you had no choice and unfortunately you will have to give birth to my child?"

"You don't think I'm able to care about anyone, do you. But I can care about my child, Xena, I can. You shouldn't have told me anything at all. Just leave before it's too late."

"Ares, I know that you can live on not bothering about your son or daughter living somewhere in this world without a father, but the child won't understand why his dad doesn't want him."

"You don't want it, not me.

"Ares... it was hard for me to figure this out," she disturbed him softly, "but I want to have this child more than anything in the world. We should love it because it's ours."

I found myself letting out a breath of relief as the confession left her lips.

As she spoke the last words, I felt tears forming. I would pay to see Ares' face at the moment. But I think I could imagine his reaction; I thought that just before she stood up and approached him until they were mere inches away from each other. He moved onto his knees, his hand slid onto her stomach again. Gee, she was fat indeed; how come I hadn't noticed by now?

"Our kid," he said, his voice breaking, as if to make sure it was all being true; he nuzzled her belly; it was such a breathtaking caress that my mouth gaped open in awe. Slowly, she ran her hand through his thick dark hair and stopped it there; and they stayed like this for a few moments. It was rare that she acted like this, not even trying to hide her vulnerability in front of Ares. She didn't care or she knew she could be like this, open, trusting him. She had a damn lot of trust in him. Proud, hard warrior like herself with her hands resting on Ares' shoulders. I was wondering what they were thinking about. Partly, I felt guilty for witnessing such moments between them.

Slowly he rose to his full height, and I found myself trembling with impatience to see what was going to happen next. They didn't keep me in dark for too long. Soon I got a full view of their tender embrace, and something about it made me flush with confusion. What could be so unusual about Xena sharing an embrace with Ares? And yet the way he had his face buried in her hair made me realize that I was witnessing something too intimate to be witnessed.

He was whispering something to her. "That's okay..." she replied in a somewhat soothing voice, hugging him so tight that I could hear their stifled breathing.

"...it's just that...you mean so much to me," he uttered clutching her head and pulling her closer.

She comforted Ares (dammit if only he had known I was there...) and yet I knew that this was probably the beginning of something more serious. Somehow I felt that it could turn into something that I wouldn't want to see. They can't do it with me right here, I thought when I remembered that they didn't know I was a few meters away hidden behind a huge mound of hay.

But, the longer I stayed there, the harder it was for me not to stare how hungrily he was kissing her. When I had caught them in uncomfortable situation once or twice in the past, it was never like this; so wild and passionate. That was why I couldn't make myself turn away. When he lifted her up in his arms and carried her to the large mounds of hay that were so close to me, I was afraid that Xena would hear my breathing and then I would be dead. I was lucky that the distance between us reached up to four or five meters. thought I could feel safe.

The one time I've been with a man was the night after marrying Perdicus and I didn't have many experiences in this department. I knew, however, that Xena had had countless numbers of lovers in her life; but what I was seeing now went far beyond my imagination.

Sometimes I wondered what it was like for a warrior like herself to make love, what it looks like. He was kissing her neck, her breasts, and her hands trailed over his torso. He started unlacing her dress and soon she was half-naked; as he pulled the straps of her undergarments off her shoulders, and pulled it down to her waist, leaving her chest completely bare. All so hurriedly; pure chaos. Blind passion.

For the first time I flushed with embarrassment seeing her naked. She looked so vulnerable when he was undressing her, and yet the way he touched her, he stared at her... he was so...gentle, it looked like he lusted after her and at the moment it was apparent how much he loved her...I was watching something that one needs to see to believe it. It was in the way he pulled her close, his hands roaming up her naked back. In the way she buried her hand in his thick black hair. I would never think I would see something like that; but it was... beautiful. Beautiful when he moved down to kiss her neck, and when her hand made its way to his torso in a hungry caress. They looked beautiful? two bodies melted into an intimate embrace, and their lips met again; only this time it was slow, deep, kisses that I heard better that I would have liked. I wasn't waiting for words to leave their lips, but I listened when they started to say something. It was Xena's voice.

"Take this off..." a sultry whisper, but audible. I remember Xena telling me about her 'thing' for bad boys, but hearing the words made my heart beat faster. It was a demanding tone, ordering him to take off his pants. At first he helped her undo them, but she shook him off and freed him from tight leathers on her own. I always wondered if Ares wears anything under those pants, and yet now he moved so quickly on top of Xena that I couldn't see a thing. Maybe my friend, being practical as she is, took off both pants and undergarments at a time. Whatever, I had no time to think at all.

I was still staring as he pushed forward so hard that they both fell down onto another pile of hay. They looked like children playing at that moment, except that he had her pinned down to the ground, positioning himself between her legs with rush and strength that was showing very clearly what he was doing, as much as Xena's heavy breathing.

"Xena...did you miss me, Xena?" he asked in a low whisper, hardly breathing.

"Uhmmm... we really can talk later, Ares," she replied in a stifled voice.

He could hardly speak, too. "Tell me now," he insisted hoarsely, and one loud moan left her lips.

"You will pay for this," she groaned one more time before she caught his lips in a very fierce kiss. In the next moment his lips were on her neck, moving lower with each passionate kiss, until he reached her breasts. He gave her one last look before parting his mouth for one of her beautifully perked nipples.

He was doing it noisily. I could hear him kiss her and it made me blush. The way she enjoyed his caress, letting out a deep groan, left my throat dry. I didn't know what was happening inside me; after some time I felt drops of sweat in a few spots on my body. I couldn't control it, the same as sudden heat in my lower stomach; I felt wetness between my legs. I was becoming wetter and wetter the longer I was watching the erotic scene before me. And I couldn't stop; I realized there was no way back now. My eyes would never tear away from the view.

In one moment I thought that an opportunity like this will never happen to me again and that every minute now was precious. I forgot about the embarrassment, shame, guilt. I just wanted to watch them, to see my best friend writhe in ecstasy when she comes, beneath Ares. I don't know why I thought that actually. I really lost control of myself. I was still losing it with every second as my eyes followed their bodies. They were moving in unison, rushed and passionate rubbing of two bodies, one pressed right against another. There is something about it that is letting that lets you know that the moment will end in no time; just like a storm. It gets heavier and rains faster, when finally thunder hits the ground when the storm reaches its climax. And after that there's a stillness. Just like lovemaking.

After a couple of his hard strokes she was wrapping one leg around him. Their hands met a few times, usually when they weren't on each other's bodies. But mostly she had her both arms wrapped tightly around his neck, and he was either resting his hands on her hips or roaming them up onto her breasts. More moans began to escape her lips as he continued thrusting into her forcefully. It was a damn long time.

She smiled blissfully feeling that the finish is was near, and he joined her in her vocal display. Their groans became more throaty as they brought each other higher and higher. Soon it was over, right after Xena kinda screamed beneath him. I said 'kinda' because I'm not even sure if it was a scream; it was stifled anyway by Ares' mouth as he closed her parted lips hungrily. They were so exhausted.

"Ares," she whispered quietly once her breath returned to normal, "I missed you."

He smiled unconsciously at her words. "I figured that out," he declared casually. Too casually. All of a sudden she let out a snort, "I hate you," she said turning her head aside, accompanied with his chuckle.

"And I thought I loved you," he replied, leaning in to nuzzle her face. Playfully at first, but after a while he kissed her very adoringly. "I think I love you," he repeated, gaining all her attention as she wrapped her hands around his head. "I love you Xena," he uttered once more; sounding so sincerely to me. She kept her arms around him, but I could feel how hard it was for Xena to say a word. As if reading her thoughts, he brought a palm up to her face. "Just say nothing," he said, stroking her messed hair. "I don't want to force you to anything, Xena. Not anymore," he confessed all of a sudden.

Suddenly I was shaking in fever. Actually, truly feeling tired after all I saw that evening.

I wondered if they were still lying there. They were. He between her legs. I turned back immediately; I've seen enough, my mind was screaming. And I closed my eyes as tightly as possible. I tried hard to feel alright, it was just that I couldn't quite block out the sound of Xena's deep throaty moans of pleasure.

















~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Half an hour later

~~

And so was last night. I dreamed a lot.

















~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2 weeks later

~~

I'm trying not to panic. We are preparing some very clever plan to deceive Gasgar's army. Why can't we do like the last time - pretend to be mere peasants? I'm sure it would work out much better than taking on Gasgar and his troops.

Today's the last day spent like this - sitting on the porch, blabbering about nothing.

What the hell are we doing? Talking about weather? I asked her.

"Xena, why do you want us to fight?" And that's when I realized how silly my question sounded. Why wouldn't a warrior princess prefer fighting to hiding?

"If Gasgar sees us as farmers," I continued, "he might be persuaded to think he's mistaken in his suspicions. Why can't we do it that way?"

Still no answer, she just frowned slightly. My patience grew thin. I decided to take a little risk.

"Xena, I don't think it's a good idea. Go fight Gasgar if you want - but do not count on me." I said getting up, shaking the dirt off my skirt, and firmly walking walked away.



























~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

3 weeks later

~~





Guess what she did? She squished the army to the very last one. She didn't tell me about the trap she had planned all along; why was that? Maybe if I had known, I wouldn't have backed off.

But now it's too late for everything. I really want to apologize to her. I feel that I owe her at least that. Especially since there's still some serious conflict between me and Ares. It's gotten much worse than before; now it's hostility that makes me feel helpless in front of him. Mainly when I don't want Xena to see me like this.

Now it seems to matter much less than before the whole battle fuss. Nothing truly important at all, just that Ares got shot with some arrow and acted like a kid. He didn't want to admit he was injured until Xena used one of her skills to make him, and now she's examining the wound.

He didn't even winced wince when the arrow was being pulled out of his stomach; just because I was there. I know how much it hurts, but Xena has a calming effect when the pain rips your insides open.

Things are so messed up. And I'm asking myself - what am I still doing here? They would be better off without me. But would I?

At least Gasgar isn't after us anymore. Xena says that Ares threw his corpse into the flames; but I know that they burned him alive. I cannot be sorry for a vicious killer, and I'm not. But what's bothering me is that I noticed Xena's old self emerge while she was fighting with Ares by her side.

But not now, not when she's sitting on the floor leaning against the bed, slicing an apple and putting a piece in her mouth. Before I have time to say something, there's none of the apple left.

"I won't be eating," Ares stated casually. Oh really? Xena looked like she would willingly feed the damn apple to him, if I wasn't watching from behind her back.

And she got another fruit. I couldn't believe my eyes. Ares would never share his food with anyone, even with Xena. I couldn't help but think that it was so sweet.

I finished my apple before Xena could ask for it.















~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

5 hours later

~~

Is she ever gonna tell me about her pregnancy? Why the hell do I have to bear all of this? I can't say how long I'm gonna be able to hide what I witnessed in the barn.

I was asking myself these pointless questions, while I watched her bandage Ares' chest. She ran out of bandage that I just brought her; and asks asked me to get her more of it. I was rushing, of course, but it was none left. What now, was I supposed to run to the village for more bandages for Ares?

No, she ripped her dress open and wrapped it around the wound. Soon I learned that the arrow was poisoned.

It was poisoned. Ares is poisoned. He's going to die. Is it all being true? The look on her face told me that this was very serious.

She said aloud, "It's chramille."

I didn't know what she was talking about, but Ares seemed to perk up.

"It was made in Chin, out of rare plant mixed with ambrosia." At the sound of 'ambrosia' I shivered.

"Only the maker knows the recipe," Xena stated darkly, throwing him a sideward glance. "Then how come no one in the Greek army uses that?" she says pointing at the arrow's blade.

"That's because they were never given it," he explained in the same dark tone.

"So you gave it to Romans. Livia..." Xena started but cut off when she mentioned her daughter's name. It would be painful if she started to argue with Ares over the past now.

He said nothing. Just bowed his head avoiding looking at her. From the way he pursed his lips I knew that deep inside he had to be hurting now and maybe even regretted the past awfulness he had done. Now it was too late but who would even care...

"When you died I stayed out of Greece for all those 25 years. It reminded me too much of you," he confessed seeking her look. This time it was her who didn't want to look at him. I was beginning to feel sorry for him.

I wonder wondered if their relationship is strong enough to get through this.

His cough was getting worse. I saw how hard it was for her to remain still; and she pretends pretended to examine the scar on his neck. She got so close to him that I left the room. But even from outside the room, I could still see them. His arms around her waist, her head resting on his chest. She pulled him close tenderly, careful not to hurt him.

Now I can believe him, only it's too late. Now it's really visible how much she needs him.

It was dark outside and only the slight blow of the warm wind reminded me of early summer. I found my way to my new bed in the kitchen that I made myself, and that I'm quite proud of. Small and not so comfortable as the one in the bedroom, but entirely mine. Finally, there were no stifled gasps in the night. At least not that loud.

I backed off without a word of protest or whatever. I just left them alone, both lying on that huge bed in the already dark room.











~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day later, early morning

~~







When I woke up today, the house was quiet. I poked my head into the bedroom - they were still sleeping alright. I got back to fixing some breakfast. Someone should feed the hungry lovers.

I looked out through the window. Where are all those days when just sunshine made me smile? I'm tired. And I'm worried about Xena. She should eat a lot to keep the baby healthy, and yet she refuses to touch food. Sometimes I'm about to shout the hell out of her; that's when I remember that never ever have we talked about her pregnancy. It's really hard not to notice her 5-month belly; but if I start talking, she would realize that I was in the barn then. And that is the last thing I need to happen now.

I heard a noise and she walked in, her hair all terribly messed up. I gave her a questioning look, she took a seat and buried her hands in her hair.

"Feeling any better now?...I mean Ares," I asked her, and this made her feel all the worse. How can he possibly feel after a mortal poison?

"Gabrielle, he's got a week," she spat out desperately, badly trying to keep herself calm.

Oh my god. I never thought I would call for help to the gods in such case. Learning that Ares was about to die. Neither did I think that I would be ready to save his life. I was, dammit.

I tried to be helpful. "Do you know the antidote?"

"He does."

"We can go find it, if that's a plant..." but she cut me off in half word, casting me a dark glare.

"It has to be damn far away, Gabrielle. And he's not telling me a word."

"What?"

"He refuses to tell the name of the fuckin' herb," she spat roughly. I was a bit taken aback, but I didn't blame her. She had many reasons to be nervous at the moment.

"Let me talk to him," I squeezed her hand reassuringly. I know she gave me a doubtful look, but at least I felt that my help was necessary anyway.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few moments later

~~



He was lying flat on his back, but hearing my steps he immediately got back to sitting position.

"What the hell are you doing here?" he greeted me politely.

"I'm not here to chat with you. I came to get the name of the antidote to this poison."

"I told her there's no antidote!" he spat out angrily.

That caught me a bit off the guard.

"What do you mean there's-"

"Just get out will you?!"

"No unless you tell me," I wasn't going to give up that easily. He thinks I'm that naive. "You think I'm gonna buy that bullshit?" Dammit, I had enough of that language from him.

"She sent you, didn't she."

"I came myself cause I can't watch her kill herself any more," I burst out for the first time deciding to be sincere without caring about consequences.

At least I caught a glimpse of one worried look he cast towards the kitchen. So he cared after all.

"She eats nothing because of you. She's so damn worried," I was trying to speak to his heart, to get him speak. He only pursed his lips in that cocky, stubborn way.

And shot me one dark glance. "Shut the door, will you?"

Great, I thought, I'm going to get my ass kicked here. I reached the door when I heard his voice.

"And get back here, Gabrielle." He coughed a few times; I was about to choke. Was it actually the first time he called me that? I can't say. I was speechless anyway.

Now I was ready to listen to him.

"Remember what I'm telling you now. Know where Neapolis is?"

I nodded. "Ever heard of Jagged Cave?" I thought for a while.

"It's in the south of the city. That's where it is - they call it advonaile, the white flower... or whatever." He winced in pain as he pressed his hand tightly to the bandage on his lower chest.

He looked up at me again. "I don't care if you find it; just don't let her go anywhere alone. It can be a suicide mission..." that was all he managed to utter before next pang of pain hit him.

"Call her, will you?"

I was out of the room by now. And I was shaking when I thought about what I was going to tell Xena.

"Go to him..." I patted her arm weakly.





















~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 3 days later

~~





I thought that knowing the reason of his silence would help me find the way out of this sick situation. I was damn wrong.

It's been three days since I left and I'm on my way to Neapolis. I hate to think of the lie I told her. We had a short talk about Ares. Officially I decided to go get Eve. Maybe she would be of some help. Her Roman troops surely know the antidote to the charmille, I told Xena.

We had a damn long argument over this and finally in conspiracy with Ares I left in a search for help; the white flower. I still wondered though why possibly could it be a suicide mission as he called it. Was it because of some other kind of danger that I didn't know about?

























~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

4 days later

~~



I met Eve a few days ago. Livia, her troops called her. I saw her back in that silver and red battle outfit and I shivered. She was a warlord again? I didn't know; she just looked very impressive in that armor, with a sword in her hand.

"Eve." I said when I saw her, or should I say Livia? At least she didn't cut me off with 'I'm Livia'. But that's a mere comfort.

"Something in particular you are looking here for, Gabrielle?" she asks asked me in kind of a non-hostile tone of voice. Then added sarcastically, "Where's Mom?"

That little bitch. If only Xena was here...

I pointedly ignored her question. "I'm looking for advonaile."

That got her attention. "You're not gonna find it here then." Suspicion crossed her face, but was instantly replaced with worry. "Something happened to mother? Was she shot with a poisoned arrow?!" I didn't know if she pretended to panic or not. I didn't answer her anyway.

"Do you have it?"

"It's serious isn't it?" she worried aloud, then paused. "She's gonna die in a week." That statement made my heartbeat stop. Damn it I could slit her throat now.

"I need it." I tried to be patient.

"But how did it happen? They didn't attack you did they?" she gestured widely over her army. I didn't know what to answer at that point. I looked away uncomfortably.

"No, it wasn't you...I mean, your men..." I was confused but my words didn't seem to confuse her even a bit. As if reading my thoughts, she turned back to me.

"They're my personal guards," she explained. "We are going to make a peace-tractate with these Amazon tribe out here. That's why I want no one to disturb us." She wrinkled her forehead thoughtfully, then she reached carelessly into her cleavage. She must have gotten it from her mother, I couldn't help thinking.

"Take this, Gabrielle," she handed me a small vial. "Give it to her quickly. Wait, I'll get you a better horse." She whistled loudly, making my ears ring.

I really didn't want to leave my old horse, but I was finally forced to. The one Livia gave me was way faster and importantly, much less exhausted. After that conversation back on the battlefield I both hated her and was grateful for what she did. Whatever she's been doing now, one good thing is that at least she loves her mother. I was moved at her willingness to save Xena's life; however, I'm not gonna be able to tell Xena about meeting her daughter. Not now.

























~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2 days later

~~



I'm home. Finally. For four hours. I got him the antidote I wanted to find so badly.

Yeah, he's going to feel better; although now it doesn't seem like that yet. He's so weak; the days were running out quickly and he was sure that he was going to die before I even reach Rome.

So did Xena. My god gods I couldn't didn't recognize her when I came back. She was all pale, looking weak and miserable; no wonder - she surely didn't leave Ares' side the whole time.

My gods, I completely forgot she can't cook.

I'm getting her another portion of dinner I managed to cook as soon as I got back. "You gotta eat a lot," I looked at her attentively. "You want this little one to grow healthy, don't you?" I asked playfully. She gave me a surprised stare, then a smile turned up on the corners of her mouth.

"Oh, you have no idea Gabrielle."

"Come on mom, gimme a credit," I smiled and we both rose from our seats. "You're a proud mommy aren't you," I said smiling, putting a hand on her stomach. And I felt it; the baby growing inside. My smile grew bigger as I felt it kick. That let me know that there's a little living creature in there; and I know that I'm going to love it. Ares' child...







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

His love was in his arms now. Lying tranquilly, breathing slowly, having fallen asleep long hours ago, she dreamed quietly. It was nothing he could have any idea about. He was quite aware of her presence, snuggling closer by wrapping his arm tightly around her waist, the other hand resting freely on her abdomen. Moving his hand around he felt the substantial fullness of her belly. She continued to sleep, maybe aware of his touch. Her eyelids did not move, and he only felt her breathe when he continued to roam his hand protectively over her swollen stomach. He felt so sleepy that he wondered what it was that actually awoke him. Could it be the little him or her? His eyes fixed on her belly with slight amusement and a hint of disbelief. No, it's way too early for it to kick, he thought while snuggling back to his previous position next to her. It might have been nothing at all, maybe it was just a need to see her that woke him up in the middle of the night. Trying to suppress a yawn he decided that staying awake was impossible. Even twenty months weren't enough for him to get used to mortal's weaknesses. He sighed deeply, occasionally inhaling the rich scent of her hair. The woman in his arms was still asleep.

Is it what he thinks when he's with her? When they lie melted together, when with each breath his nostrils are being filled with the womanly scent of her? The God of War's sleeping form was wrapped around the raven-haired pregnant woman. And their breathing was slow, deep. Calm. I didn't have to be anxious about their hot tempers at the moment. They wouldn't fight, wouldn't argue, wouldn't hurt each other. When they slept in each other's arms it could have looked like they cared about one another, like they were in love. They were entirely in Morpheus' realm throughout that peaceful night. But that was the only time I saw them like that. No other time would I dare to cross the doorway of the room where my friend slept in the God of War's arms.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The last day

~~



Who would think life will give me such an opportunity to make my biggest dream come true? Years ago I dreamed to be a famous bard; now I'm creating one of the best pieces I've ever written.

I would never guess than the biggest, most powerful inspiration for me to write would be Ares. I still can't believe it now. Well, maybe at times like this when he asks me to lull Gab to sleep. Oh I shouldn't have thought that - I see him coming. I can't help but laugh when I think of how envious Xena is of my uncanny, suddenly very precious gift to lull babies to sleep.

It'd be hard for me if I were five years younger; I would cry for sure. And now - not even a single little tear. I got attached to this place, that's true, and I'm going to miss the peaceful moments that the two of us had here, even if they were shared with Ares. But I knew it would end up this way. I had this figured out long before Xena decided to stay here, or should I say - just let me know that she's not going anywhere from that old house. No, I'm not all that mad at her anymore. We have worked that out alright. It's just that I'm overwhelmed with emotions, good and bad ones, all strong and hard to get rid of. Xena had it all planned along - the night in the barn - it was meant to make me understand her. She had known I was there from the very beginning. I was a fool to think that she would not notice my breathing. And despite this knowledge she had let Ares go on. I didn't think she would be so low as to use that nasty way to -- what? 'talk' to me? 'persuade' me? 'Did you really think that it would convince me about your relationship with Ares?' I had asked her. 'Hasn't it?' she answered me with a question, and it startled me. Sometimes I truly wonder if she's the same person that I've known for years.

Xena, I know your sexual life is not my business, but why didn't you tell me that you wanted catch up with Ares?! I would have understood it better that way, instead of those months of waiting for you to tell me the truth yourself. You shouldn't have hesitated to tell me about the pregnancy. Gods, could it be that you were reluctant to see my reaction? I just felt hurt since it was Ares who was told about the baby first. I think you love him, Xena- it's more noticeable than you think, really.

But it's over now. We're leaving.

If I will get a chance to write ever again, I think it would will be in two, three years, if something important happens. Now I'm so busy with taking a rest from my former life that I can hardly free my mind from the sound of the baby crying. Nothing is like I imagined, but a certain part of the past should be locked away once forever. Well, I used to love her. If having a family with Ares makes her happy, what can I do? I guess I'll just live out this life with her, together, like we were destined to be. Eternally. A bard and a warrior.