Disclaimer: The characters used in this story belong to Universal Studios. I have borrowed them and quotes from past episodes to write this story. Since it takes place in the Elysian Fields and the dead can hear your thoughts, all thoughts that the dead hear are in italics. Memories of the living are in italics and quotations. Warning: Do not read this story before you have watched Maternal Instinct. The story contains spoilers and will not make sense if you have not seen that episode.

So this is the Elysian Fields, the young boy thought, looking around him. Lush, green trees and bright meadows full of colorful flowers surrounded him. He saw two people in the distance and started walking toward them. He knew he was dead and those people must also be. He remembered being sent to his uncle's hut and told of the demoness who was after the children of his village. He just never expected the demoness to be so young. He didn't realize when that girl walked into his room. . . . The boy pushed the memory of his death away with a shudder, but that didn't keep the girl's voice from ringing in his ears, "The safest place there is."

Solan? Oh, Gods, no! Solan. Hey, Solan.

The boy's head shot up when he heard his name. Where had that come from? "The dead can hear your thoughts." Solan remembered his uncle telling him that. Not his real uncle, of course, but the centaur who took him in after his father, Borias, and his mother had died years ago. Solan was hearing someone else's thoughts, but whose?

No, Solan. Please. I'm here now. Your mom is here now. Just like you've always wanted.

Xena? There was so much heartache in that voice. Could the voice he was hearing, so vulnerability and hurt, possible belong to the tough, proud warrior princess?

Noo! Noo!! Nooo!!!

Involuntarily, Solan covered his ears. The scream of anguish was so loud that he thought for sure everyone else must have heard it too. But when he looked back across the meadow the strollers didn't seem to even notice.

Oh, Gods. My son, my son.

My son? Solan thought. Xena doesn't even have a son. My mother's dead. Xena doesn't have a son. She can't be -- She -- No, she couldn't be my mother, could she?

Solan remembered the time when he broke his arm and she held him while he was hurting. He had felt safe in her arms. So safe. He remembered that last day when he was nine when Xena left. She had come down to the river to talk to him. She talked about not knowing what's right and wrong until much later and regretting choices. She had such an uncertain look in her eyes as if she was in the middle of making one of those tough choices. He thought she had been about to tell him something. . . . Oh Gods, he thought. Could Xena actually be my mother? Your mom is here now, she had said (or thought) just now. The scene at the lake played back in his mind.

"Your mother would be proud of you."

"You think so?"

"I know so."

"Let him go, Xena. He's not your son anymore." Not my son anymore. . . .My son.

It was Kaleipus' voice but Xena's memory. Then Solan heard Gabrielle's voice.

"How could you walk out on your own child?" "You're going to tell him, right? Right?" I never told you. . . .

Do you know what it's like to be a mother without her son? a small voice asked herself.

The voices stopped briefly, leaving Solan with many unanswered questions. He looked up and realized how far he had wandered. He was already across the meadow. He scanned the area around him, searching for the couple he had seen before. They had disappeared, but his eyes fell on a very familiar-looking centaur.

"Uncle?!"

Kaleipus turned to see Solan rushing toward him. The centaur was tackled by an overjoyed young boy and they hugged. It felt so good for Kaleipus to hold Solan again, the boy whom he had always thought of as a son, though Solan called him "Uncle." He had wished when he died that this moment wouldn't happen for a very long time, when Solan was an old, old man. But he wasn't surprised. He had "felt" his son die, and before he did, Solan had mentally cried out to the only father he knew. . . and to Xena.

The father-son reunion was broken when Solan pulled away, his questioning eyes searching Kaleipus', asking for the truth.

"Uncle, who is Xena, you know, to me?"

"Xena is your friend, of course. . . ." Kaleipus said, then sighed. "I guess it's time you heard the truth. Let me tell you a story. I've always said that it was Borias, your real father, who stopped Xena from attacking our village. Well, there's more to the story. Xena came to me one night and said--"

"I'm willing to withdraw my army." Xena stood before Kaleipus, her expression hiding some deep emotion. It seemed cold, but more than that, defeated, almost grievous. Not something that he would expect from the warrior princess. Neither was what had just come out of her mouth.

"Xena, Destroyer of Nations, isn't known to bargain," he said to her.

"Take this child," she said, pulling back the blanket of the little bundle she carried to reveal the face of a baby. "He's my son. And the son of Borias. If he stays with me, the boy will become a target for all who hate me. And he'll learn things that a child should never know. He'll. . . .he'll become like me."

Kaleipus took the child from her arms and said, "The son of Borias will be raised as my own."

"And so," Kaleipus said, concluding his story, "I took the baby and named him Solan, and I couldn't love him more if he was my own son." Kaleipus reached down and put a hand on the boy's shoulder. Solan looked up at him, tears in his eyes threatening to spill over.

"Why didn't you tell me before?"

Something Kaleipus had said to Xena a year ago rang in his ears.

"Let him go, Xena. He's got a family and a home here. He's not your son anymore."

"Are you telling me this for my good. . . .or yours?"

"For his. . . .And mine. For the last nine years, Solan has been my son. I love him more than my very life. And the thought of losing him. . . ."

"I didn't want to lose you."

"Lose me? What do you mean?"

"I thought maybe if you knew you had a real, flesh and blood relative out there, you would go off and leave me. Also, you can understand how dangerous it is for Xena's enemies to know you're her son. That's why you were kidnapped by the warlord Dagnine last year. She loves you very much and she didn't want you hurt because of her."

Solan nodded, accepting this. "I understand. I just need to think about this. It's kind of a shock, learning who my mother is." But as the words came out of his mouth, Solan knew they were a lie. Somehow, he'd always known. Ever since that time he broke his arm. After Xena set the bone and released the pinch that kept him from feeling anything, a red hot wave of pain came at him. As soon as he cried out, Xena scooped him up in her arms and held him close as he cried. Just like a real mother would. Because she was his real mother. He'd known that somehow, deep down inside. He had just never accepted it or even thought about it. Until now. "Xena's my mother." All the missing pieces fell into place with those words.

Solan thought back on the last conversation he and Xena had had, when he had just learned of Kaleipus' death.

"Why does everyone I love die? Is it me?" Solan had asked her.

"No. No, of course not," Xena assured him.

"Then why are they dead? Everyone who ever loved me." Solan looked up at her, his eyes troubled and sad.

"They're not. You still have m--. . . many, many friends, and they've all said how much they love you and want you to come live with them," Xena said.

Solan now saw that when she had faltered with the last thing she said, she had been really about to say "me" instead of the "many friends" she had said. Solan heart swelled with love for the woman who had had to struggle with not being able to tell her own son who she was. He understood her finally.

Solan? Solan, if you can hear me, I'm sorry I never told you I'm your mother. So sorry. I missed so much of your life. I should have been there when you took your first steps, and I should have heard your first words. You deserved a better mother than me, but I love you more than I thought possible to love anyone or anything. Please forgive me. Don't hate me.

"I forgive you, mother. I love you," Solan said quietly, willing Xena to be able to hear him as he could hear her. "I forgive you."

Gods, Solan, you shouldn't be there. You should still be alive, with Kaleipus and me, playing with your friends. If only. . . .If only Gabrielle had just done what I told her. Hope, Callisto. . . It's her fault. This never would have happened if it weren't for her.

Solan winced at the sudden bitterness and anger in her words. He could feel the rage and betrayal. It scared him. And it was directed at Gabrielle. Why Gabrielle?

Oh, Solan, it's my fault. My daughter did this. If I hadn't saved her, none of this would have happened. How can Xena ever forgive me? She's hurting so much and she wouldn't let me in. It's all my fault. Will she ever forgive me?

It was Gabrielle's voice this time. Solan couldn't make sense of it. How could my death be her fault? Gabrielle has a daughter? Wait. That girl. No, she couldn't be Gabrielle's daughter. Nothing so evil could come from Gabrielle, and, besides that, she's too old. But somehow, whatever it was, it was splitting them apart.

If. . . .if I had just done what you said when you told me to do it, then they would still be alive. Kaleipus and Solan.

No! Don't you even speak his name!

Xena.

No! No, you lied to me! I trusted you and you lied to me. And now Solan is dead. My son is dead. . . . because of you.

I love you, Xena.

Cold silence followed.

Suddenly, Solan knew what to do. It would take some work and a lot of help, but he would get them to forgive each other. Somehow. . . .

The End

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