"Honestly Jill she's the best person for the job. Hell you had her in mind when you created the character. How can you just say no?" Doug was frustrated; I could tell his normally deep commanding voice cracked like a boy going through puberty.
The problem was I wasn't able to give him an answer. I was being petty and spiteful and all the things I swore I would never be if I finally got to create my own show. I knew I was being unreasonable but this was personal.
"Jesus Dupuis!" He said throwing down his napkin and staring at me. "She's a big star. She may not be the box office draw she once was but having her as female lead could get us the green light before we even shoot the pilot."
It was the truth.
"It's not just your baby anymore Jilly, a lot of us have worked to make this happen and if you don't take this chance you'll be letting all of us down."
That stung.
He looked away and shook his head. I hated this.
I met Doug the spring Leigh and I broke up. I was at the final episode cast party sipping on some really expensive champagne and wondering what I was going to do next when Doug and his wife Lisa walked up to me and introduced themselves. Lisa was poised and classy with her blond hair swept up making her look like Grace Kelly. She was dressed in an elegant black cocktail dress with a matching wrap and killer heels. She was an interior designer who had a show on the lifetime channel. One of those annoying shows you watch when you are too wiped to look for the remote. She always seemed like so perfect you wanted to smack her and say 'no one cares about throw pillows'.
Doug was charming with dark wavy hair and dancing brown eyes. He looked comfortable in his charcoal suit but still seemed like he could put on a sweatshirt and fix the lawnmower. I liked Doug immediately and although it took me a while to warm up to Lisa once I did she proved to be a great friend and ally against Doug.
Doug was working on a new show and basically offered me a job on the spot as one of the writers. That show didn't last long but the next one did. It had been a huge hit and once that series ended Doug and I had decided it was time to create one of our own. I was only thirty-one and even with three series under my belt no one was going to trust me to create and produce without someone with experience guiding me. Doug was in his mid-forties with a string of moneymaking shows to his credit. We were a perfect team. Doug dealt with the suits, the talent and the tyrants. I was in charge of the shows bible and most of the behind the scenes workings. It had worked out perfectly. We had created the most anticipated new series in script form out there. Actors were clamouring for a role, directors that once wouldn't dare answer a phone call from us were suddenly clearing their schedules in case we needed their expertise. We had been flying high.
Then Jack called.
Doug was right I created the female lead with her in mind. It was the kind of role every decent actress would kill for. The lead was expected to be commanding, tough, cynical and just a wee bit bitchy. Jack would be perfect. I never thought she would lower herself to do television. Her call had thrown me for a loop.
I looked over at Doug and sighed. I was going to have to take one for the team.
"Will she read to get the part or would she rather a coronation?" I asked bitterly folding my napkin.
Doug looked back at me surprised I had finally given in. "She'll read. Her handlers just about flipped out when she agreed to it."
I smirked; handlers; the Lamprey of the entertainment world, coasting along attached to the back of their cash cow. Actors wouldn't be so bad if they got rid of the parasites they attracted.
"Fine lets do it then." I said giving in.
"You won't regret this Jilly." Doug smiled for the first time all night, and began attacking his meal.
"Oh I will." I muttered under my breath, no longer interested in dinner.
While Doug ate I picked at my food and drank copious amounts of the expensive wine Doug had selected. The bill was on him and for once I didn't feel bad about leaving him with a large tab. He had cornered me over hiring Jack. It was the best thing for the show, even I could see that, but I knew it would not end well. I felt tense, angry and out of sorts. I couldn't wait for dinner to be over so I could go expel some of that negative energy. That thought made me smile as I absently stroked the rim of my wineglass.
Doug looked at me and frowned. "Jilly?" he stopped unsure of what to say. He had heard the rumours about the potentially unhealthy ways I liked to relieve stress.
I just gave him a cold look. "Don't Doug." I warned.
He just shook his head and sighed. The remainder of dinner was tense. Once Doug had asked for the check I decided I would say goodnight.
"I'll call Keating's handlers and get everything set up." He said standing as I rose.
I just nodded my mind elsewhere.
"Jilly." He said gently taking my hand. "Be careful okay."
I smiled at him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "I'll try. Say hi to Lisa for me."
"I'll call you with the arrangements." He said as I was leaving.
I couldn't help myself I flipped him the bird in the middle of Toronto's classiest restaurant.
I woke up to the smell of sweat, sex and booze. My body hurt all over. I looked over at the back of the woman next to me. Nice tat, I thought absently. She had a screaming eagle wings extended covering her whole upper back and arms. Even in the faint glow of streetlights you could see the muscles play under her skin. I sat up and groaned. It took a nearly Herculean effort for me to get out of bed and find my clothes. Then I searched around for some mail or a magazine anything that had the address printed on it. Once I had found that I slunk into the bathroom to get dressed and call a cab. The first time this happened I was not ready for the reality of logistics. I had wandered up the street until I found a street sign and been accosted by a host of city night dwellers. I learned quickly after that. I locked the door handle of the apartment as I left and gingerly walked down the stairs. I wasn't looking forward to sitting in a cab but I had no other options.
It was always the same thing. I would wake up after a night of debauchery and run back to the loft feeling worse than before. Leigh had signed over the lease to the loft a few weeks after we broke up. She moved to New York City to pursue photography full time. I didn't really change much except turn her old darkroom back into the bedroom. The Japanese screens were gone and that area was now a mini gym. Her old studio workspace was now my writing area. I put a couple of big bookshelves up to keep my work and reference books. I got rid of the old sofa and picked up a futon so Kerry had a place to sleep when she came to visit. I groaned the noise echoing in the lift. Kerry was set to arrive in the morning to stay for the weekend.
The lift lurched as it reached its destination. I felt my stomach drop. It took a few moments of shallow breaths to keep my composure. I knew I should shower and clean up but decided to forget about it until morning. After securing the many locks on the loft door I stumbled to the bedroom tossing my clothes as I walked. I would get to them in the morning. I crawled into bed and hoped Kerry's plane was late.
The buzz woke me. Well the buzz and my phone ringing and the screams from the street. I started to laugh and got up to let Kerry in. I pulled on a robe and hit the button to grant her access to the building. I knew she would be really pissed so I started picking up the clothes I had carelessly discarded the night before. She burst through the door muttering curses as she threw her luggage towards the futon.
"?And if you think I'm sleeping on that medieval torture device you have another thing coming. I get your bed Dupis understand." The she quit yelling and looked at me. "Oh my God Jilly are you okay?"
I had no idea what she was talking about. I mean I felt lousy but considerably better than the night before.
"Your neck. It's all bruised and your legs?" Tears formed in her eyes. "Oh Jilly what happened to you?"
I couldn't face her tears. I walked away and went into the bathroom. I took off the robe and looked at my body. I was basically a giant walking bruise. I had handprints on my arms and marks on my wrists and ankles. My neck did look nasty. I didn't remember that happening. That was never a good sign. Very distinct finger marks covered my windpipe. That scared me enough that I had to sit down on the toilet till I stopped shaking. I wiped an errant tear away and turned the shower on. Once under the scalding water I let the tears come. I tried to remember what happened after I left Doug but was unable to piece together the hazy fragments into anything coherent. That had never happened before. It should have been terrifying but my emotions seemed to be numbed. Once I was showered I limped into the bedroom and got dressed. It was a good day for some baggy drawstring yoga pants and a long sleeved t-shirt. I walked back into the main part of the loft and Kerry handed me a coffee and led me to the futon.
"What happened Jill?" she asked softly touching my knee.
I looked at the coffee in my hand and started to shake. I was losing it. I could handle anger. I could handle disappointment. I couldn't handle compassionate concern.
"I have no idea." I said my voice cracking as the sobs started.
Kerry took the coffee out of my hands and wrapped me in a protective hug. After a long while I calmed down. I told Kerry about my meeting with Doug and how I went out after. She listened and didn't say anything. I had finally told Kerry what happened that summer on the Lake a year or two ago. She had never really liked Jack and that just cemented it. She had really liked Leigh until we broke up. When she finally got the whole story out of me she was less than impressed by my first real love. When I got done telling her what I could remember about the night before she gave me a kiss on the top of the head and let go of me. She took our coffee' back into the kitchen and replaced them with two hot ones. Sitting down on the futon she handed me my fresh cup and slowly sipped on hers. I knew she was trying to find the right words to say to me. Kerry was always very thoughtful when she spoke. It was a trait I admired but could never duplicate.
"Jilly we need to get you to a doctor. You have no idea what that woman did to you and at the very least you need to get checked out for an STD." She said firmly. "Then you need to take a long hard look at your life. Is this what you really want? Running from meaningless rough sexual encounter to the next just because your first attempt at a relationship ended."
I nodded. I had to agree with her. I would be an idiot not to, although my non-idiot status was being seriously questioned.
"Then you need to think about your drinking." Kerry said looking me straight in the eye. "You have a problem kiddo."
I wanted to disagree with her. I wanted to scream no I don't. I wanted to chase her off for even suggesting such a thing. Then I would sit down, have a few drinks and go find someone to help take the edge off. I sagged under that little epiphany. I nodded.
"Come with me?" I asked my voice cracking.
Kerry nodded reaching over to take my hand. "I'll be here for you Jilly."
Kerry stayed for most of the week. I got checked out by a doctor who gave me a stern lecture on safe sex practices, I wanted to tell him that if I can't even remember what happened how can I be sure it wasn't safe. I decided not to go down that path with the angry little man. I went to three AA meetings and was starting to feel pretty good about myself again when Doug called. The meeting was set up for Friday afternoon. Kerry was scheduled to fly out Friday morning. She almost changed her flight plans but I promised I would call her after the read through with Jack then go to a meeting then call her again. It was only after Doug said he would drive me to the meeting that Kerry relented. At first I didn't want to tell Doug but Kerry insisted that I have someone else in my corner when she wasn't there. Doug and Lisa were really supportive of me and in the end I was glad I told them. I didn't tell them about Jack. Some things are best left in the past.
We waited patiently for Miss Keating to arrive. Well Doug waited patiently I paced. When I wasn't pacing I was tapping the table with my pen or jiggling my leg. Finally Doug got tired of it and grabbed my leg and gave me the quintessential fatherly 'cut it out' look. I pouted and slouched in my chair. Not exactly behaviour befitting the creator and co-executive producer of a television show.
Finally an hour late Jacqueline Keating arrived. I was prepared for her to be haughty and expected her to make no mention of her tardiness. I was surprised.
"I am so sorry I am late. I tried to call from the airport but my cell died. Then I got stuck in traffic and I know it's sort of a pathetic 'the dog ate my homework' excuse but I really didn't mean to be late. I appreciate you taking the time out to see me today. I love the script and I think I have what it takes to really nail this role." She was babbling.
Jack Keating didn't babble. She was quiet and cool and quite sparse when it came to words. It was her, or at least someone who looked just like her. Tall, beautiful with eyes like chipped ice. But it couldn't be Jack. Jack was a bitch who only cared about herself. This woman actually seemed?well?nice.
"Think nothing of it Miss Keating." Doug said extending his hand to her. "I'm Doug Walker and this is my partner Jillian Dupis."
She shook his hand then looked nervously over at me. She extended her hand and after a moment of looking into her eyes I shook it.
"Nice to see you again Jack." I said coolly.
She winced.
"Please take a seat." I grinned enjoying the change in dynamics.
Doug looked at me and raised his eyebrows.
"Later." I said smirking.
"Okay." Doug said clearing his throat. "I take it you have a scene ready?"
Jack launched into what was the characters angry tirade at the end of the pilot. She was excellent. She was the character. She was so good I could no longer imagine anyone else playing the role. Deep down I had never wanted anyone else to play the role. I could admit that now. It always came back to Jack. I was thirty-one years old and still paralysed by my crush on her. It was pathetic.
When she was done Doug asked her if she minded waiting outside for just a moment. She nodded gave me a weak smile and left the room looking almost defeated.
"Give her anything she wants. She's our lead. She nailed it." I said standing up.
"What the fuck is going on Jilly?" he snapped at me. "How do you know her?"
I laughed bitterly. "You had better ask her that one. After all she paid me to keep my mouth closed."
Doug looked at me then at the door then back at me.
"I'm a big girl Doug." I said rubbing the bridge of my nose; I was starting to get a nasty headache. "I'll be a professional."
"You owe me more than that." He spat.
I sighed and sat down. "It was a long time ago Doug. We had a fling; she had to make sure it didn't get out. I was insulted and moved on."
"Is that all there is?"
No.
"Yes." I lied.
"Alright Jilly but I am doing this under protest." He grumbled.
I was stunned. "No. You either hire her because she nailed that part or don't. I want nothing to do with it. I won't let my ancient past haunt this show. If you don't think she's right for the role don't hire her. Why do you think I kept saying no when you asked?"
"Well I didn't know you fucked her!" Doug said a little louder then he meant too.
"What your mad that fourteen years ago I slept with our possible leading lady?" I couldn't control my sarcasm. "Or just jealous that I fucked the great Jacqueline Keating."
Doug simmered for a few minutes.
"If we didn't have a past would you hire her for the show?" I asked.
"In a heartbeat she's perfect." He said looking at the table.
"Then do it. It's the past let lie." I said patting his arm. "I'll tell Miss Keating to come back in. I need some air."
"Jilly?" he called to me as I reached the door.
I turned.
He looked like he was about to say something else but then he just shook his head. "Send her in."
I closed my eyes and reached for the door. My headache was growing with every second.
"Go on is Miss Keating. Mr. Walker has some paperwork for you to look at." I said to Jack as I walked away.
"I'm sorry Jilly."
It was so quiet I almost didn't hear it. I wondered what exactly she was sorry about. Was she sorry she used me back when I was just a kid? Or was she sorry she destroyed my relationship with Leigh? Or was she sorry she had managed to harass her way into the lead role on my television show? It didn't matter what she was sorry for it all rang hollow to me.